hello I love you

Palace Coup At Your Wonkette

Sexpot Lady Journo Twitter Pic.Weep, weep, Wonkette, for your fallen prince Ken Layne. Okay, that’s enough. Oh, I see I might have scared you, since there is apparently a surfeit of youngish people falling over dead these days. (Davy Jones, you were the girl that I knew somewhere!) No, no, Layne is fine. He is just old and tired and hates all of you, each, individually. And so I am here to bring some laughter and love to your marathon sessions sitting on your couch, “looking” for “work.” (Dope and Cheetos.)

My qualifications for purchasing and running Your Wonkette include a sunny disposition, bountiful compassion, terrific spelling, middling wit, and the fact that I was unhindered by any sort of job that might have impeded my ability to type dick jokes on the Internet.

Haha, I worked in newspapers. That is its own punchline, right? But now that I am a Businesswoman and a Job Creator instead of a filthy Poor, I expect my politics to change some, so don’t expect lots of Socialisty Obamatard posts like I might have offered up when I was a socialisty Obamatard. Where before I might have offered my sad unemployed loser’s widow’s mite to a homeless, or an environmental group, or poor underfunded President Soul Train, I will now probably cleverly kick those same homeless, yell at the environmental groups, and call President Soul Train possibly racist things like “President Soul Train.” Hey, he’s the one who can’t shut up with the Al Green.

As to the rest of the site, all the bloggers you know and love will continue until I have run it into the ground and can’t afford to pay them anymore, which is part of my SECRET PLAN to turn Wonkette into the one thing I’ve always really wanted: a Mommy Blog. Sometimes I will be tender, and occasionally bemused, and when you’re really lucky I will put my fists on my hips and be wryly FED UP! How charmed we shall all be by the sweet antics of and darnedest things said by whichever tyke I have stolen off the bus. Who said Los Angeles has no public transportation?

But until such time as I have properly Ruined Wonkette (shouldn’t take long, here’s hoping), we will continue apace, with the mocking of the Teanuts and the Wingtards (did I get those right?) and Andrew Breitbart. Wait, what? GODDAMNIT.

Courage.

Rebecca Schoenkopf
Editrix

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Welcome to the fold!
    Editrix? Are you all leathery?

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Probably wields her blue pen* like a whip.
      ____________________
      * ancient technique for editing on paper**
      ____________________
      ** part of a newspaper; google it

    • ChernobylSoup

      I do believe "editrix" just earned a permanent place in the Wonkette lexicon. I like it.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Suck up!

      • vtxmcrider

        Becky sounds more like a Domineditrix. And I called her Becky because she probably hates it. She has to accept that it ain't all peaches and cream. But the real question should be: Is she as attached to the buttsecks as Ana-Marie Cox?

        • WunkRocker

          Whatevs. WAKE UP SHE-OPLES! Ken Layne is gone right after Breitbart!!!one
          1) Obviously Ken Layne WAS Ken Lay AND Andy Breitbart
          AND/ALSO
          2) This Becky Shanktopf or whatever is part of Lay/ne/Breitfart's cross-dressing, Sissy Slut training, LA Mafia remake.
          3) Profit
          Also. Well good luck or something. There's no whisky in that bottle in the top desk drawer. But the gin in the bottom drawer is really Everclear.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      *kneeling*

      WE ARE UNWORTHY, GODDESS!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      NOW I remember where we've met this nice young lady before. It was way back in the days of the Topless-Lesbo-Bar scandal.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Like I said, awwwwwwwwwwwwwesome rack

      • Gunner Asch

        I somehow missed that post the first time around. I guess after that welcome Becky/Rebecca knew what to expect from this batch (and chose to come here permanently anyway!!??!!)

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        wow, nice Editrix tits (oops, am I gonna be banned now? or promoted! :)

    • http://dailyworldwatch.wordpress.com/ dailyworldwatch

      Fuck she's smoking hot, isn't she?!!!?

  • Barb

    I like you Rebecca! I can feel our menstrual cycles synchronizing already.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Rebecca – Just do what Barb says and nobody gets hurt. Well nobody we care about anyway.

      • Barb

        Remember how when Ken gave us all a pack of Little Debbies and a pack of Newports for posting our first post? I wonder what Rebecca has in her gift bags for us?

        • MissTaken

          I could really use some tampons and Percocet right about now.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            *crossing legs tightly*

          • Barb

            I'm hoping for a Vajazzler and some Percocet.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Ana Marie (yes, I go back that far) was quite generous with the bourbon, IIRC.

          • UnholyMoses

            And the buttsechs. Don't forget that!

            (And, yes, I go back that far, too, though under a different name.)

          • DustBowlBlues

            I remember. I never posted, I don't think you were allowed to, but got tired of seeing those pictures of famous people I'd never heard of who were spotted on the street in DC and finally quit reading because I was tired of that fucking panda.

            As I recall, I came back in 2004 after the election when I was ready to buy a gun (or borrow a couple of tommy guns from any of my neighbors–2nd Amendment!) and kill every Republitard in town. (Town: pop. 2,000, 1,983 dead).

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            Heve I ver told you how much I LUVS the DustBowl? cuz I do…btw, it's baaack.. .http://www.businessinsider.com/20-signs-america-is-headed-for-another-dust-bowl-2012-2

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Whatever. It's the percocet that really matters.

        • johnnymeatworth

          A Midol and a Clorets, here's hoping.

        • Biff

          Still waiting on my "iPhone".

        • flamingpdog

          Pack of Little Debbies and a pack of Newports for posting our first post?!?1? All I got for my first post was bounced because I mindlessly included the word "re+arded" in it, right after Riley was getting his ass kicked for the r-word thingie! Fortunately, I suckered our benevolent overLayne into letting me back on by dropping a few names of other Wonketeers (you know who you are). I'd settle for a Little Debbie now. (Do I need to provide her last name?)

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Synchroschmoozing!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Mensies!!

    • ElPinche

      Me, too. My balls are tingly…thats menstrual juice , right?

      • Swampgas_Man

        Funny, I have the weirdest stuff flowing from between my legs, too.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Too far!!

          • not that Dewey

            Ken would have advised him to sit on a towel.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Santorum?

          • ElPinche

            Nah……not today at least .

    • orygoon

      Jesus, Barb, didn't they tell you that they took your monthlies away? And don't you tell me you miss them, because then I will cease to peg you as insanely brilliant, and merely think you are insane.

      • Barb

        I don't miss them, no.

      • UW8316154

        Peg? pegging??

      • DustBowlBlues

        Neither do I, except I wish I hadn't gotten wrinkles, arthritis, thinning hair, and lost my short term memory in exchange.

    • BearNoLike

      I see what you did there.

  • NYNYNYjr

    Wonkette has been hacked. DO not comment!!! It's a virus!

    • Steverino247

      No, no, no! "It's a cookbook!" Get your memes straight, dude.

      • GhostBuggy

        It's people!

        • Doktor Zoom

          It's a floor wax! It's a dessert topping! IT'S BOTH!

          • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

            It's a floor wax! (slap) It's a dessert topping! (slap) It's a floor wax! (slap) It's a dessert topping! (slap) It's a floor wax AND a dessert topping!

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

          Snape Killed Trinity with Rosebud!

      • NYNYNYjr

        Oh My God, it was a cookbook! Come back!! Eat us!!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Wonkette doesn't allow comments.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

      It's a trap!

      • OhNoGuy

        Isn't everything?

  • FNMA

    You had me at "dick jokes."

  • MrFizzy

    First Breitbart, now Layne. I may not make it through the weekend without single malt scotch. Of course I haven't in years. Nevermind.

  • nounverb911

    Just confirming here, Breitbart's still dead?

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      As is Francisco Franco

      • flamingpdog

        But, truthfully, has anyone actually checked lately to see if Franky is still dead?

      • sewollef

        Augusto Pinochet too?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      But who knows. I expect him to show up again in Zombie or vampire form.

      • Nostrildamus

        Zombie-vampire was his last incarnation. I think slime mold is up next. Either that or a kitty.

    • CapeClod

      As Ted Kennedy, who he ridiculed when he learned of his death.

      • sewollef

        Fucker [Brightfart]…. I hope he rots in liberal hell.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hope you get a big tax break, Ms Job Creator!!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      She's bragging about her spelling but she doesn't even know it's spelled J-E-R-B-Z.

  • http://www.wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    I got at least three simultaneous erections reading that post. More!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Show off.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Triphallia????

  • SexySmurf

    Great, a chick editor. Now every post is going to be about either shoes, The Notebook or our feelings.

    • OkieDokieDog

      Oh oh, make-up tips!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Ahem. Recipes.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Or Pinterest…I understand the ladies dig that site. Although, I wonder if Jeremy has shown any Linterest there.

    • Barb

      I can't wait to find out where our G-spot is!

      • HateMachine

        Or the seven tips to drive him wild.

        And by "him" I mean "me." I can't figure this shit out for the life of me.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I'm waiting for the in-depth analysis of how Republicans are like Edward (whiny, bloodsucking, white as the driven snow) and Democrats are like Jacob (hippies, closet cases, always a bridesmaid never a bride).

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Oh! And how the American voters are like Bella; dumb, vapid, clueless, yet somehow desirable, the ultimate prize?

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Yeah, shoes!!! I'd rather have a Louboutin in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

    • BigRadio

      It'll be like the Lifetime Channel of the intertubes.

    • UW8316154

      Kourtney will probably be sent packing, too.

    • DustBowlBlues

      If she has a guest blogger who reviews shit movie like The Vow, it'll be worse than the panda.

  • Barb

    Hey Rebecca? You holdin'? I'm asking for a friend.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Barb has the little kids, but I have the teens meaning that I am now longer a mom which is why I comment here on Wonkette. If you are looking for denizens for a Dickensian workhouse I offer you mine so I can get back to swilling wine and snark.

    • Barb

      My kids are younger and are entitled to those janitorial jobs. Jesus, what is America coming to if we can't exploit the little children?

      • flamingpdog

        Wait til Papist Ricky gets into the White House and prepardons every Catholic priest for whatever he may or may have not done in the past or forever into the future.

      • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

        Mine can pick apart rope! There is plenty of menial work to go around…

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          My birds do that too! Maybe the little bastards can start earning their keep.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Mine are 21 and 25.
      They can be olde-timey overseers!

      Ugh! Teenagers!
      Hang on, Maman! It DOES get better!

  • larryfinexx

    Can we have more Star-Trek topics on Wonkette now?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Nahh, just comparisons of the Ferengi to anti-Semitic caricatures.

      • Biff

        4) Profit!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        ftw.

    • V572 Flambé

      Remember "In the Wink of an Eye," where Kirk banged the beautiful green alien? So hawwtt! Everything was speeded up except her orgasm.

      • sewollef

        You mean 2 minutes isn't the norm?

        What am I missing?

        • GOPCrusher

          Foreplay?

        • OhNoGuy

          58 minutes, at least.

  • TinyDespot

    All hail our new Queen who shall teach us women all how to proper clasp Knee Aspirins.

    Does this mean Ken is free to come live in my basement and please me at my whims?

  • Joshua Norton

    Trucknuts. Don't forget trucknuts.

    (you, like, paid actual monies for this site? I didn't know that was an option. My 401k just isn't losing money fast enough. I could have ponied up a couple of the hundreds of dollars that's left in it.)

    • HateMachine

      Just declare yourself Emperor of the blog already.

      Send our Commie Editrix semi-frequent edicts on your expected editorial direction, and whatnot. Abolish cat photos. All that fun Emperor shit.

  • ChernobylSoup

    I think I'm in love.

    Also, can we have a no "all of them, Katie" rule?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You can have all of them, Katie.

    • Swampgas_Man

      And no moar " _____ Libel!1!1"?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Libel libel!!

        • Extemporanus

          You've torn your dress!

          • gullywompr

            Your face is a mess!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            *pondering*

            How could they know??

          • Extemporanus

            Hot tramps, I fist you so!

    • HateMachine

      I think we ought to keep the regulations out of that one. Every time I'm ready to retire an ancient, awful joke, someone goes and does genuinely good work with it.

    • gullywompr

      You know who else wanted rules about what was allowed to be written?

      • BTWBFDIMHO

        Your 1st grade teacher?

      • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

        Strunk and White? (Both of them)

      • horsedreamer_1

        J. Edgar Hoover?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Hitler!

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      "All of them, Katie"

      WOW! Has it been nearly four years since Sarah Palin™ pointed out her elitist intellectual curiosity had (literally) no boundaries?

      • Geminisunmars

        Time flies – whether you are having fun or not.

        • BarackMyWorld

          Also.

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            T.

  • edgydrifter

    At last, our long internet snark nightmare is over.

  • ttommyunger

    Whatever. Show us your tits or GTFO!

    • V572 Flambé

      This is the kind of tawdry bad taste that makes Our Wonkette our Wonkette. Thank you, kind sir.

      • ttommyunger

        I try. It isn't easy being cheesy.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        I actually did a mandatory "FAP" line and backspaced over it. Now I feel like a pussy.

    • flamingpdog

      We need a hologram so we can kopf a feel, too.

      • ttommyunger

        Fapping furiously……

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      ummm, she did, or did you miss this? (oh, and they are AWESOME!) http://www.myspace.com/meltingpointradio/photos/1

    • ttommyunger

      Waaaay too much clothing!

  • OkieDokieDog

    mmmm… Teanuts and Wingtards. When is lunch?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Do they come with bleu cheese dressing?

      • Geminisunmars

        Too french.

  • fartknocker

    I guess Rebecca is into Koch-blocking. This will be fun.

  • BarackMyWorld

    “President Soul Train.”

    Don Cornelius is dead and General Motors is alive.

    • gullywompr

      Too soon!

  • Data Exactly

    Ladies and gentleman – we have the new big giant face of Wonkette. Not that anybody here remembers her. Or Snorg Girl. Nobody REALLY remembers her. Or my dope and cheetos. I'm always running out of those.

    This welcoming session is OVER!!!

    • SorosBot

      Oh I remember, and miss, the Snorg Girl.

      • Data Exactly

        Snorg Girl forever.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Was she the one w/ the glasses?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          The one with the great knobs. She was kind of a big deal.

        • Data Exactly

          No, the one with the curly hair and the snarcastic t-shirts, circa 2007.

        • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

          The incredibly, painfully cute one with the glasses was Ana Marie Cox, whippersnapper.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    impeded my ability to type dick jokes on the Internet

    What about buttsechs, Rebecca? The Wonkette has a long tradition of being the locus of intertube buttsechs, going back to Wonkette Emeritus Ana Marie Cox.

    • HateMachine

      Back in my day, it wasn't a Wonkette post unless there was some assfucking.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Good times, good times.

      • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

        That and panda babies.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

          The precious Butterstick, who is now working on the Apple Corp assembly line.

      • Geminisunmars

        And we had to trudge 10 miles through snow to get it, too.

  • SexySmurf

    I'll give Becky the same advice I give all fresh meat: Don't make fun of retards.

    Or Andy Breitbart's alleged love of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Nicely played

      *golf clap*

      Martini?

  • Fare la Volpe

    He is just old and tired and hates all of you, each, individually

    Yes, Mistress. Now call me a filthy little fox and make me wear the leash.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Ah, ♪ ♫ and the whip comes down.♫♪

    • Barb

      I wonder if she has selected who will be her sex poodle yet?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      *looks forlornly at ball gag*

      Damn. I'm never first.

    • mrpuma2u

      Editrix/Mistress I have a couple floggers and riding crops I would happily loan for disciplining the troops. Naturally, I will want to watch.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Rush Limbaugh? Is that you?

        • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

          Get the IV Viagra, stat.

  • flamingpdog

    Bring Benincasa back??? Even though the slattern had something actually kind of nice to say about Breitfart on her Facebook page yesterday!

    • BarackMyWorld

      I think she's too busy pimping her book to come back.

      • flamingpdog

        She's probably on the Tweeter right now with ReBecca cooking up a deal to sell teh Wonkette a thousand copies of her book to be given away as sign-up bonuses for teh Wonkette so she can drive up her numbers on the best-seller lists.

  • sarah_connor

    Will you be home schoolin all our kids? Sounds good to me.

    • UW8316154

      That's "homeschol" to you, Missy, and don't you forget ut!

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        It's homeSKOOL. Who was your teacher, Karen Santorum?

  • orygoon

    DON'T MAKE YOU STOP THIS CAR!

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    "a Mommy Blog"

    What about my right to not have that kind of material on the internet? Your move, Issa/Blunt/Santorum.

  • Goonemeritus

    Welcome Rebecca I trust Ken gave you detailed care and feeding instruction for us. If I were to emphasize one thing it would be to not let broader Wonkette nation get too optimistic. We need discipline lots and lots of discipline.

    • GOPCrusher

      I'm willing to pay extra for the discipline.

  • Barb

    Groupon.

    • bureaucrap

      Huh? I'm not allowed to ask "how much did you pay for that piece of *&%(#"? Is that question too rude? Is there now a "too rude" at Wonkette? Uh oh, things really have changed…

      • ChernobylSoup

        I think you're on double secret probation.

      • HateMachine

        I think the objection is actually to the notion that it might have been worth anything at all.

      • SexySmurf

        I think they were aiming for my comment and missed. Sorry.

      • HistoriCat

        The editrix is just upset because she was "negotiating to acquire a very well-branded national blog" … and then proprietor died unexpectedly yesterday. So she bought Wonkette instead.

      • NYNYNYjr

        Do you know who else cracked down on her enemies ruthlessly after achieving power? Michelle Obama.

  • Callyson

    I am here to bring some laughter and love to your marathon sessions sitting on your couch, “looking” for “work.”
    Or in my case, doing the above while "studying" for an "accounting" class where the prof can't keep his Republican bias out of the classroom to save his life…save me, Rebecca, save me!
    Seriously, welcome aboard…

  • PubOption

    We need a better photo is see if your kopf is schoen, or nicht mal.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      She has awesome tatas, if Google is accurate. Awesome

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Homeric even.

      • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

        That's a mighty big 'if'.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Thank you for your comment. I'm currently in my bunk and will be unavailable to reply at present. Please leave your messsage and I will respond as soon as I run out of Kleenex.

      • Chichikovovich

        I did your suggested Google search, and I was absolutely delighted to discover that Ms. “Accurately Named" Schoenkopf has an impressive, expansive, compelling and well-rounded pair of intelligence and cutting wit.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Nicht mal, aber nicht nüchtern, vielleicht.

      • Limeylizzie

        Liebling.

  • hagajim

    Editrix – kinky!

  • http://balloon-juice.com mistermix

    You paid money for this shithole?

  • HateMachine

    Meet the new boss, possibly a shit-ton more cheerful than the old boss.

    Not that I won't miss you, Layne. Nobody makes crippling depression funny like you, you bearded bleak-ass motherfucker.

  • Pookums

    So you "bought" Wonkette or just redistributed it to yourself? This is important.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Job Creator? What we need here is more Blow Job Creators.

    • BarackMyWorld
    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Jimmy O'Keefe's has a sudden vacancy

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Schoen = good, nice Kopf = head

      Make of that what you will.

      • BTWBFDIMHO

        OMg!!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Pi Day AKA Steak n' Beej Day is just around the corner.

    • rocktonsam

      hand jobs are jobs too

  • MissTaken

    Yay a female Wonkette! Can we now finally stop with the transvaginal ultrasounds before we hit the "Submit Comment" button?

    Wait, what? I'm the only one who has to do that?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      *shutting off webcam*

      Huh? Why, um, no.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      ur doin it rong

    • Steverino247

      Well, you looked like you enjoyed them, so we kept doing them. Sorry.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Ixnay, man! I'm the one on the hook with the medical supply company….

    • HateMachine

      You were fine with them before, so you certainly don't get to stop now.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Well fartnuggets; there goes my Friday afternoon.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Sorosbot, what have you been telling her?!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I’d like to remind you that as a trusted internet commenter, I can be helpful in rounding up others to…toil in your snark sweatshops.

  • arduinohacker

    Now don't try to outdo Jean Teasdale right off the bat. Work it up slowly.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I am NOT a stalker!

  • lefty74

    You give good text. Do you own a liquor store and a boat?

  • Mort_Sinclair

    A saucy wench she be. Arg! 'tis a good thing.

    • HistoriCat

      It's the eyepatch, isn't it?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    She bought Wonkette and she will rename it Big Wonkette.

  • Schmannnity

    Just be sure to take your vacation for the two weeks leading up to and including Sarah Palin's youngest child's birthday.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Cool! Ken's finally sold out. This means Ken's a dot com millionaire now!

    Also me likes pretty female editrix'. Me used to work on newspaper, too. Me write good.

    (Also, too, good luck with your future endeavors, Kenny. May you find them much more joyful. BTW, oes this means the Corvids will be touring full time now, or are you just going to sit back and enjoy your internet riches?)

  • SorosBot

    I think the first thing we need to do is offer Rebecca a big, heartfelt preemptive "we're sorry".

    • Swampgas_Man

      "For everything in general."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "I don't know what I'm going to do to piss you off, but I want to offer my sincerest apologies in advance for it, and I'm off to my room to think about what I will have done."

      I still can't figure out why my marriage didn't work…

    • banana_bread

      NEVER!

    • Geminisunmars

      If we say anthing that will offend you, we will be very sorry that you are offended.

    • Chichikovovich

      And more importantly, a preemptive:

      This comment has been deleted by the administrator

  • x111e7thst

    Wait. Will there be baby panda pix?

  • orygoon

    Um, New Lady from SoCal, just exactly where were you night before last, a little after midnight?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ooooh, you think this is like a Crips thing, where you get to drive down a highway with your lights off and then off the first dude that flashes his at you?

      NICE TOUCH! I wanna work here!

  • Oblios_Cap

    What is this Ken Layne of whom you speak?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

      I've already forgotten about that guy. Whoever he is. "Ol' Whashisface", we used to call him, I think.

      • UW8316154

        A ginger, wasn't he?

  • CapeClod

    Did Layne hand over the banhammer to you? That man used it like an artist.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Welcome, Rebecca! I look forward to you being the Augusto Pinochet to Ken's Salvador Allende. I just hope there'll be water cannons.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Maybe she'll be the David Miscavige to Ken's L. Ron Hubbard, did you consider that?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Either way, the beatings will be tremendous.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          I would prefer being locked in a double-wide trailer for seven weeks and forced to prepare a written document of my sins. Thank you.

      • horsedreamer_1

        I can see BACONZGOOD jumping up n' down on Oprah's Ellen's couch.

  • mrpuma2u

    You gotta man?

  • Doktor Zoom

    And she remembered to include alt-text on her inaugural post. This bodes well for the future.

    And you know, not a lot of things bode at all these days. Some people might even say that boding is just not done anymore. But this? This was no boding accident.

    • Chichikovovich

      Some people might even say that boding is just not done anymore

      Not true at all. I had four bodings of disaster just this morning.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I, for one, welcome our new female overlord.

    Ana Marie left some nice cups to fill.

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    It feels so good to finally have an -ette back in charge of Wonkette. The world just got a little better in some way.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Rebecca, you're my kind of girl! Welcome! You take us back to the days of Ana Marie!

  • CrunchyKnee

    MILFy goodness.

  • YouBetcha

    I'd hit that.

  • el_donaldo

    Which eye is the fake one?

    What?!? I'm not being rude. It's on her website.

    • Steverino247

      A one-eyed sex maniac is now the boss around here? Uh, ok.

    • Barrelhse

      Harelip!

      • poncho_pilot

        everyone on Bear Creek if i have to.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Would I?! Would I?!

        • KeepFnThatChicken

          (pussy face!)

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Lol—

    • Fare la Volpe

      She loves when you call her the one-eyed wonder weasel. I bet.

    • Doktor Zoom

      There used to be a punk band called "Sandy Duncan's Glass Eye." Among the Best Band Names Ever, I think. Right up there with my personal favorite, "The Very Idea of Fucking Hitler"

      • DCBloom

        Right now I am wearing a hoodie from the band "Your Momma's Big Fat Booty Band"

        Their music is ok, but their name is fabulous

        • Doktor Zoom

          Current favorite band name: Stew and the Negro Problem

          (and Stew is the only black member of the band)

          • Loaded_Pants

            My favorite band name of all time: The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black.

          • horsedreamer_1

            I want to say my favorite band name is Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments, but it's a bridge too far for an all-white band, snarking as they might be.

            So, instead, the honor remains with GG ALLIN & THE MURDER JUNKIES.

    • SenileAgitation

      Brings to mind the joke about the fellow with the fake eye made of wood who asks the gal with the fake wooden leg if she'd care to dance. Her response of "Wouldn't I!" is countered by "Pegleg!" Sorry.

  • sezme

    I for one welcome our new mommy-blogger overlady.

    • BearNoLike

      Yeah but if she isn't funny… then I guess we'll just keep coming back here again and again until some commenter makes it funny again.

  • ElPinche

    A wimmins in charge??!?! Oh great, Wonkette is the new political Jezebel . We'll be seeing stories on Michelle O's menstrual cycles, more Kate Middleton, and nancy graces fat nipples. I WUNT MY WONKETT BACK !1!1!

    Update: I just saw her boobs. YAY!!!! Welcome!

  • ThundercatHo

    What, no "Whosbecky-becky-becky-stan" jokes? You guys are already slacking. Welcome Miss S. and I hope you've had all your shots. Keep the barf bags and moist towelettes handy. A well-stocked bar and medicine cabinet couldn't hurt either.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Was the coup bloody or non-bloody? Do we get to see pictures of bodies to make sure that it REALLY happened? How can we be sure?

    Also, I'm sure everyone will dearly miss Ken's uplifting posts that made everyone want to commit suicide – those were the days.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I was unhindered by any sort of job that might have impeded my ability to type dick jokes on the Internet

    Welcome Rebecca, and on behalf of all us Wonkefags, may I say YAY MOAR DICK JOKES!

    • BearNoLike

      They're hilarious. All of them, Katie.

  • GhostBuggy

    If Becks here does turn this into a mommy blog, can we all stay and keep commenting? And if so, can I be the one in charge of taking out the anti-vaxxers my wife sez riddles those types of sites?

  • L188188

    From LinkedIn:

    Specialties
    Efficient manager of staff, money, and time. Expert commentator on politics, art, and pop culture. Versed in web analytics, radio and video production, and all media platforms.

    Oh dear, are you ever in the wrong place.

  • C_R_Eature

    Welcome to Wonkette Rebecca! Be aware that we'll likely just Hijack whatever post you put up and turn it into a Liveblog of whatever the day's developing Outrage is.
    It's just how things roll around here.
    Also, Dick Jokes!

  • chascates

    I went ahead and bought your book on Amazon.

    In Stock.
    Ships from and sold by Amazon.com. Gift-wrap available.
    Only 1 left in stock–order soon (more on the way).
    Want it delivered Saturday, March 3? Order it in the next 6 hours and 46 minutes, and choose One-Day Shipping at checkout. Details

    • UW8316154

      Oh, look at who is trying to be teachers pet already!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Apple polisher

      • Oblios_Cap

        Do you needs some Kleenex to wipe off yer nose?

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Has someone been snorkeling?—

      • vtxmcrider

        An "apple polisher" in the civilized world is called, on Wonkette, an asskisser or a buttlicker.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I for one welcome our drunken and surly looking new overlady.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Can a female really edit a major blog??? I mean think about all the time spent in ditches – it's a matter of anatomy???

    And won't it be a distraction to male commenters??

    • Fare la Volpe

      There are too many emotions involved in buttfucking jokes!

  • revmatty

    Whee! Your first post is hopefully an indicator of the editorial tone you will take. You'll fit in just fine here.

  • Guppy

    The Wonkette is dead sober gone! Long live the Wonkette!

  • UnholyMoses

    I find this post quite easy to masturbate to.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Seems everything is funny to you, Wonket

  • SenileAgitation

    Jesus, Rebecca is positively jolly next to Ken. Good luck with this tragic investment. If nothing else you are surrounded by commenters who appreciate your wits and your tits in about equal measure, tits given a slight edge. Have fun.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    OMG, OMG, OMG, it's Commie Girl!
    I lived in OC (Fullerton) when you were at your peak (and breeding, are you still doing that?) and lived to read your prose in the back of the OC Weekly. Those were the days of mirth and College Republicans for Jesus.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I just had a comment deleted by the administrator for he first time ever. Booooh!

  • Oblios_Cap

    You're not a furry are you? Cause that's one yiffpile I could get into.

  • http://www.counterpunch.org 4TheTurnstiles

    Bring the buttsecks. That's really all it takes.

  • Wonderthing

    Hmmmph. Next thing you know editors will be wanting to marry each other.

  • Ducandy

    Now Israel owns everything.

  • Douché

    First Breitbart and now Layne, this bitch is going to take over the world.

  • http://lovematters-manabouttown.blogspot.com/ UnionAgitator

    Meece to nitecha.

  • WhatTheHeck

    “I worked in newspapers.”

    Puppies also work in newspapers. I hope you break-in period is swift.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    We will see, Rebecca, we will see. The words "mommy blog" do inspire a frisson of trepidation.
    No cat pix, OK??

    • slithytoves

      Fuck off. :)

  • http://archikvetch.blogspot.com/ archikvetch

    Snark from the OC you may ask? Well, I've read Commie Girl, and this is going to be snarkalicious! With dick jokes to boot!

  • BornInATrailer

    Why does this post have a pic of Courtney Love?

    • anniegetyerfun

      I thought it was Christina Applegate.

      • Ducandy

        I thought it was the new bitch.

  • An_Outhouse

    Does a West Coast editor mean no posts before noon NYC time?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      That would work for me.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Oh, god, between Jim getting up at 2PM Hawaiian time and this, my morning are going to be more awash in whiskey than ever before.

  • WeHaveIssues

    Who are you? Whom? Who? Whatever… west coast political satire-lite? Oh Hell.

    Unless you are willing to drag your bikini waxed hoo-ha inside the beltway, we will not be amused. Somebody get me the Russert boy!

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

    So Rebecca: will you be providing health insurance for your newfound employees? Or will you be continuing Ken's policy of requiring them to post sex tapes? In lieu of insurance?

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Oh, yeah, We'll Come

    NO I MEANT "WELCOME," IT WAS A PUNCTUATION ACCIDENT, HONEST

    • Biff

      Damn you, autocorrect!

  • BigRadio

    I like any girl whose name is NiceHead –especially if Rebecca means giving.

  • rocktonsam

    so this new new dick joke lady will get teh wonket women birth controlz?

  • Manhattan123

    Just put an aspirin between your knees the next time you feel like posting, missy.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Typical Laynestream media lies!

    No? Okay then, welcome.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Ken who?

    No, seriously, welcome aboard.

    Ken, godspeed — coming from an atheist.

  • Extemporanus

    JEWZ DID KEN LANE!!

    3/02/2012 — NEVAR FORGET!!1

  • Extemporanus

    Welcome to the island, Rebecca…we promise to eat you last.

    • UnholyMoses

      Must … resist … cunnilingus … jokes …

      • Extemporanus

        Why? I didn't…

    • Doktor Zoom

      She's the new Number Two?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    I worked in newspapers.

    Where, in London?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Yeah, she thought we wouldn't notice if she just started spelling Rebekah with two cc's. I say, comb your hair, grrl.

  • thatsmrfresh

    you don't mind if we share your phone number with the Paultards, do you?

  • Mr Pre-Press

    I'm bitterly clinging to my guns and religion, thank you.

  • DoktorThompson

    It's only alleged, sure, but has Glenn Beck denied that he raped and murdered Breitbart? I'm not saying he did it, I'm just saying he hasn't denied it.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Ken, I'll just leave my thanks on the dresser like always. Good luck to ya.

    /snark
    I woke up around three with a splitting headache…so while waiting for the meds to kick in, I looked about online. Since my 'net feet always bring me to Wonkette, I took a peek. Nothing happening that early in the morning so I thought I would look at old comments. That was fun…there's a lot of uproarious snark in these parts, this little corner of snarky sanity on the web.

    Thanks again.

  • mavenmaven

    Rush Limbaugh thinks if you are a woman receiving any kind of funding or salary for any purpose, you need to show naked videos on the internet.

  • CivicHoliday

    Welcome from the heartland! Not all of us are coasters, and we from the sad sad "real America" parts of America need ye olde Wonkette most of all. My illustrious senator Roy Blunt just tried to outlaw my functioning lady parts, for example. So yes…please grab the baton and run with it, for we need you now more than ever as the culture war spins out of control.

    • UnholyMoses

      He's your Senator, too?

      Condolences from a fellow Misserian (KC-side).

      • CivicHoliday

        UGH yes, I'm in the Lou. Other than the Carnahans and Claire McCaskill, we don't have much good going for us politically. (And even those guys are not far left of Ben Nelson. Sigh…)

  • Extemporanus

    For a little insight into Rebecca and Ken's sick & twisted (i.e. "sweet & supportive"") relationship, I highly recommend that you read her lovely review of his fine novel Dignity.

    (Also, perhaps, this old post about OC GOP lesbo bondage strippers…)

    We're in very good hands, you guys. And with Wonkette finally behind him, Ken Layne, at long last, is too.

    (At least until his wife and kids escape from his doomsday cult desert compound…)

    • bikerlaureate

      Very helpful, tnx.

      I guess she can be permitted to overlord.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    I heard Rebecca say Newell is getting a raise. Pass it on. (Maybe he can stop eating cat food.)

    • savethispatient

      You think Jim's diet is related to his pay? I thought he liked succulent meaty chunks of real rabbit!

  • bringmeanaxe

    Welcome, Rebecca! I am so excited…..your column in the OC Weekly kept me sane when I worked in Irvine, CA. I also bought your book just to reread all your great writing.

    • Ducandy

      She's a Democrat from Orange County? Not possible.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Is this the line were we all kiss up to our new overlord and accrue brownie points?

  • rambone

    Welcome Rebecca!

    Deletions by the administratrix? Looks like we're in for some discipline! My safe word is "president's santorum."

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    Wanna bone?

  • Biff

    Welcome, Commie Girl. Is there any way you can slow down the exodus of Orange County Olds to my adopted state of confusion Nevada? They're stinking up the place something terrible!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    A hot, one-eyed, hyper-literate editrix!

    What more could a man want?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Tequila and cocaine.

      Oh, and a vasectomy.

    • Ducandy

      "What more could a man want? "

      Sara Benincasa?

  • Neoyorquino

    Nice pic. She gives great scowl.

  • James Michael Curley

    Now I get it. Layne was Man Bear Pig driving up the comments and page hits to sell this Corvair at Corvette prices.

    • fuflans

      !!!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Rebecca, welcome! This place better not change! I hate change! Seriously, I'm also an Angeleno so if you ever need someone to run to Starbucks or clear palm fronds out of your driveway after a particularly heavy Santa Ana day, I'm your penguin.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Cheetos makes my pipe all sticky. Munchos are better.

  • proudgrampa

    OMG KEN LAYNE IS GONE. I TOLD YOU THAT THESE THINGS HAPPEN IN THREES!!!!1!!!!!

    DAVY JONES
    ANDREW BREITBART
    KEN LAYNE

    What? Oh. Well, that's a relief!

    Never mind.

  • notreelyhelping

    This is news…but it's not bad news. Give us a little time to used to such an idea.

  • CapnFatback

    Smart, I get it. Fire Layne on a Friday so he'll take the weekend to calm down/get blackout drunk and be less likely to come back and shoot up the internets with his semi-automatic snark gun.

    Anyhoo, it's about time the patriarchy was tossed on its ear. I can only assume that this change means a shift to v-points, which is cool cuz when it comes to the lady parts, I could use all the pointers I can get.

  • crybabyboehner

    Why don't you slip out of those mom jeans and into something comfortable?

  • http://www.blogula-rasa.com GinnehRED57

    Chee-tohs, Wingtards, and Teanuts; The cocktail snack mix of the new millennium!

    I sense that "rag" jokes will shortly become au courant. There is much potential amusement in making the menfolk cross their legs and grimace.

  • Loaded_Pants

    Welcome, Rebecca! I must warn you that I am fluent in both English & American Hillbilly & I often mix them up.

  • owhatever

    Hello. Is it just a coincidence that Andrew Breitbulb swooned away just a day before YOU show up claiming to be our new leader and Electrolux? Are you just Andy's reincarnation because he got to the Heaven and the God said, "Hell no, boy," and sent him to the Hell, where the Devil said, "Heavens no, you asshole," so they compromised and sent him back to earth in the form of a shapely she-devil-angel to run the Wonkette transit system and write nothing but liberal shit all the time now? Also.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    This is what happens, apparently, when you drop out for one day to reflect upon the death of a very bad person.

    Welcome, Rebecca, to a different kind of hell than the newspaper world.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Do U Like Birds?
    Yes or No?

  • HelmutNewton

    Welcome Rebecca! To you AND your awesome rack!
    http://wonkette.com/414509/is-erik-brown-micheal-

  • lowaltflier

    Oh! What a wonderful life. Commie Girl was the only reason I picked up a copy of OC Weekly. Haven't read it since you left.

    And Good Luck to you Ken.

  • vulpes82

    Just tell us that Jim is okay. It's always hard when Daddy goes away; I just don't want him to think it's his fault. He's sensitive, poor thing.

  • fuflans

    welcome rebecca!

    can i have a job?

  • I_P

    Will there be buttsecks? I was promised buttsecks.

  • GortRay

    Hail, new Wonkette-trix! We bow to your superior beingness and will follow you through the Hell-gates to the election year slimefest.

  • Rotundo_

    Welcome aboard oh Goddess of Snark! We shall miss the relentlessly upbeat and perky posts of Mr Layne and hopefully Ken will drop us a line from time to time from his desert survival bunker, but we are ready for a new keyholder to the asylum.

  • ImmigrationGirl

    So you've ruined my image of blogger as those who live in their parents' basement and recycle cans to pay for their beer and cigarettes.

  • Beetagger

    Can you write the alt text captions in French?

  • ShreditorsDesk

    Yeh and all that, but can you cook?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Does this mean more buttsex stuff?

  • horsedreamer_1

    So, does this vindicate Nick Denton selling this place in the first place, or prove the folly as the site persists?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Rebecca–This is the most exciting news, ever. Your mom is a big, fat liberal in OK–and so am I! Since I'm an old, and could be your mother, you have to be nice to me and laugh at my jokes. haha. I'd love to know who she is, but since that's too personal, just do this: give me a clue what city your mother lives in and come election time, I'll drive around it and look for the Obama sign.

  • charitablearm

    Hooray! I, like Bonzos_Bed_Time, have fond OC Weekly memories – you are perhaps the first person I knew of who would call themselves a commie. I'm very excited. No dick jokes but posting on a Saturday night seems sadly wonkette enough!

  • kitchenmudge

    It's spelled "Goddammit".

  • V572 Flambé

    Just saying, "schoenkopf" = beautiful head auf Deutsch.

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Hey, New Person.

    Any chance of you working weekends?

  • jervix

    Must figure out how to hide massive Star Trek chest tattoo at Wonkette beach celebrations.

  • erekose2112

    Like.

  • thefrontpage

    Good luck and best wishes! As long this doesn't become The Huffington Post or Politico, or the Drudge Report, that's good. In fact, dont' change a thing here.

  • sezme

    Well, if you're curious about Sara B, you could perhaps search for her name in the googles and learn that she just published a book and is on a book tour. Or sure, you could just ask Rebecca.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    The book is good, too. Especially around the chapter "Om Mani Padme Fuck You" and forward from there~