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How Will Ghost Andrew Breitbart Haunt Obama From Beyond the Grave?

Prematurely dead Internet pioneer Andrew Breitbart was working on something major before he died, his unpleasant underlings told LA Weekly. Now there’s video from CPAC of Breitbart planning a video (terror) attack that will Bring Down the Obama Presidency! “I’ve got video, from his college days,” Breitbart crows to a rapt yet hooting crowd of geezers. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT COULD BE? This is just like Easter, with Breitbart as Jesus (everyone knows that) rising up and giving us sick-making treats! Does the video show the president smoking while getting it on with white ladies? Is he smoking crack while getting it on with white ladies? Or maybe it’s that colorful felon who has claimed so many times he sexed up Barry in a limousine, for communism?

No, it’s just Barry plotting with boring old Bill and Bernadine Dohrn (not even Bill Ayers!), conspiring with “silver ponytail” college professors to take over the presidency. Well, at least Michelle Malkin will be excited, we guess.

Bonus Easter egg for the superfan: Breitbart spends special scorn on Dohrn and Obama plotting with money from the Annenberg Challenge — “They had real money, from real Capitalists!” said Breitbart, which, yes, “Who gave it on to their children, and their children’s children, who became Communists. We’ve gotta work on that.” Mostly, the Annenbergs these days fund lovely little panels about urban design, and also gigantic journalism schools. You could maybe see why that would have bothered Mr. Breitbart, the man who just moments later delights in cleverly calling Harvard “Beirut on the Charles” and also who, duh, hates journalism.

Related video

We will be very excited to see Mr. Breitbart’s last scoop. We are sure it will be a good one, and not at all a poorly edited smearfest that falls apart at the very first look! [YouTube]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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172 comments

      1. Generation[redacted]

        And he shits his pants when confronted by a college professor.

        No, we need another shouty, mean drunk for this gig.

  1. Callyson

    "They plotted, and they plotted, and they oversaw hundreds of millions of dollars…"
    Yes, the banksters were awful in the W years (and still are), weren't they?
    Wait, you were talking about something else?

  2. memzilla

    Meh. I've got video that proves Andrew Breitfart is an over-exposed, hate- filled, prematurely dead a**hat, and you don't see Drudge Sirens™ going off about that.

  3. Rosie_Scenario

    I hear Vince Foster appears in the video. Also, too. And Obama is shown creating his forged birth certificate. This video is like Einstein's unifying theory of conspiracies.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Wheels within wheels. Obvs Fince Foster faked his own death so he could go around knocking off Barry's critics one by one. Fiendishly clever.

    2. Pat_Pending

      There are cameos by Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and Bigfoot. On a grassy knoll. Also.

    3. Pat_Pending

      OOOH!!! And Natalie Holloway was sacrificially MURDERED BY COMMIES IN ARUBA!!! BAD BARRY!

  4. Ruhe

    “Who gave it on to their children, and their children’s children, who became Communists. We’ve gotta work on that."

    There it is…another whiff of that new American Piety. Not wanting to amass and maintain fortunes is a sin.

  5. MrFizzy

    What's the opposite of an outpouring of emotion? Doesn't seem like anyone really gives a shit about this cretin dying. At least we weren't subjected to a lengthy and disingenuous pre-death apology, a la Lee Atwater.

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      If you can't say anything nice about him, don't say anything; but that's just me. He's been dead a day. Entomologists tell us that his mandibles will grow slack and the six legs will start falling off.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Maybe I missed something, but the MSM has been strangely quiet on the well deserved demise of The Supperating Pusbag.

  6. SexySmurf

    Andy had Obama's college video on his phone, but he had to delete it to make room for more pictures of other dudes' junks.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        That's the way right wing media works. If you want to get to the college photos, you have to go through a lot of dicks first.

  7. lefty74

    Life was not a valuable gift, but death was. Life was a fever-dream made up of joys embittered by sorrows, pleasure poisoned by pain; a dream that was a nightmare-confusion of spasmodic and fleeting delights, ecstasies, exultations, happinesses, interspersed with long-drawn miseries, griefs, perils, horrors, disappointments, defeats,humiliations, and despairs–the heaviest curse devisable by divine ingenuity; but death was sweet, death was gentle, death was kind; death healed the bruised spirit and the broken heart, and gave them rest and forgetfulness; death was man's best friend; when man could endure life no longer, death came and set him free.
    - Letters from the Earth,,,,Mark Twain

    1. thebeatgoeson

      If there is a God, I don't think s/he will grant ol' Andy any gentle sweet afterlife.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Yeah.. in the wake of this lionized figure's death, we're anything but through with hearing about him.

      "Be he alive / Or be he dead
      He'll grind more bones / to bake his bread Through the rumor mill yet"

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Beirut on the Charles — really? So Breitbart was cribbing from something attributed to Spiro Agnew, who is credited for calling Swarthmore the Kremlin on the Crum? Not that that should surprise anyone — but given the choice, I'd rather be associated with Bill Ayres, whose act of terrorism consisted in blowing up a toilet in the Pentagon.

  9. chascates

    From Breitbart com:
    CNN’s Malveaux Slimes Breitbart Hours After Passing
    CNN’s Kurtz Spews Sherrod Misinformation On Day Of Breitbart’s Death

    Breitbart's comments right after Ted Kennedy's death are, of course, different.

  10. C_R_Eature

    The video will feature Barry hanging around in dorms, classrooms and on the Quad. Heavily intercut with file footage of some Kenyan University.
    Sheriff Joe, take note!

    Oh, also too: Saul Alinsky, Angela Davis, Eldrige Cleaver, Charles Manson, Mao Zedong and the Symbionese Liberation Army will have walk-on Cameos.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      One question: how many months of editing, cutting, and pasting does O'Queef need to turn a stretch of bland, boring video into something preposterous enough to outrage the right-wing mouth-breathers? BrightFart died while waiting for his favorite media manipulator to cook up something good, and now everybody's waiting to see it.

      Maybe they can do a double-feature, with Trump's "you won't believe what we found" report from Hawaii. (Introduction and narration by Sherriff Arpaio.)

      1. C_R_Eature

        From what I've seen of their Work Product, a clever High School AV Geek with a gaming computer and off-the-shelf video editing software could lash it together in about a week, part time. These sad fools spend $50 K on Ghod knows what and toss out an embarrassment of a video in half a year.
        Clearly, there's some things money can't buy.

  11. larryfinexx

    A recorded meeting of Obama and the Elders of Zion was found, and the tape is still clutched in Breitbarts cold, dead hands.

    1. Barrelhse

      donner_, you're SO sentimental! I love how you turn a phrase- just an incurable Romantic, eh?lol

  12. LabRodent

    You have to admit it as rather hard to be an asshole from beyond the grave. Kudos to you Andrew.

  13. freakishlywrong

    Maybe someone has found the footage of Barry in a hipster fedora, sipping a latte.

    1. tessiee

      Aren't you afraid
      a) of scaring all the children and some of the grownups?
      b) that people won't realize it's a mask, and will just think you're some homeless guy?

  14. CivicHoliday

    Breaking news: some liberal-leaning professors and a promising college student once talked about that student possibly running for public office, maybe even the presidency. I am sure this has only happened a few hundred thousand times throughout history, so break out the drudge sirens. (because this time it's different – this time he was BLACK and he actually WON)

  15. WiscDad

    I'll bet it will be James O'Keefe in blackface and his outrageous pimp costume shuckin' and jivin' with actors that look like the Dohrns

  16. fuflans

    hello rebecca.

    i have nothing else to say. this looks like some subplot on 'the borgias' only less relevant.

      1. C_R_Eature

        I did an Image search on "Zombie Breitbart" and This was the very first hit.
        The Miracle of Modern Technology.

        1. Biff

          Zombie, gay Mormon–he's already accomplished more in death than he had any right to expect to in life!

  17. SorosBot

    When Obama went to college, he talked to some of his professors? Oh my, how horrible! Wait, really, this is all they have, drudging up some obscure college professors of his, vaguely smearing them as "radicals" and then attacking him with guilt by association?

    Oh, and are the colleges radically liberal or are they totalitarian? Because those are, you know, mutually exclusive categories.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Anyone who was in college and didn't march in favor of expanding the Vietnam war and putting all the hippies in internment camps was a dirty anti-American communist, obviously.

      1. tessiee

        Anyone who was in college that didn't have the word "Bible" in its name was a dirty anti-American communist, obviously.

  18. HuddledMass

    What's with the twitchy hand-waving gestures? I'm not surprised this guy kicked it, there is definitely something wrong here.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, between this and Sheriff Joe's game-changing revelations of yesterday, I predict that Obama's impeachment proceedings are totally going to overshadow the remainder of the Republican presidential nomination campaign, as well as the general election, all the way through November.

  20. el_donaldo

    They say if you put out a large pile of blow and five pints of beer and say "Breitbart" three times really quickly, his ghost will appear and scream at you to stop raping.

  21. Arken

    Speaking of Breitbart. Talkingpointsmemo.com has decided that any discussion of him shall be deleted, any discussion of the deletions shall be deleted, and they even banned some of their regulars. Josh Marshall also suspiciously quoted a 'close friend' of his that said Breitbart had a 'huge heart.'

    Hooray, blog bffs!

    1. C_R_Eature

      I'm of the opinion that Josh Marshall's Friend's actual quote was "That Breitbart was a huge Hard on."
      Your Move, Politfact.

    2. SexySmurf

      His heart wasn't so much "huge" as it was "enlarged" from years of obesity and cocaine abuse.

    3. tessiee

      [...] any discussion of him shall be deleted, any discussion of the deletions shall be deleted, anyone engaging in discussions of the discussion shall be kicked by a giant boot, and finally, that making fun of the giant boot is a bootable offense.

  22. Chet Kincaid

    Wow, could this post be any more incoherent? What are you trying to say?

    EDIT: And no, I'm not gonna watch 2:47 of that asshole to figure out what the hell you're talking about.

    EDIT: NO, I DON'T have any clean trousers except my crankypants this morning!! And I watched that asshole anyway, and now I'm REALLY irritated!!

  23. James Michael Curley

    "How Will Ghost Andrew Breitbart Haunt Obama From Beyond the Grave?"

    Very poorly, just like his journalistic endeavors.

  24. Gunner Asch

    Greetings Rebecca! I'll bet you were almost to kindergarten before you wanted to kill the next wiseass who said something about "Don't worry your pretty little head about it". I can sympathize, since I also have a name that can be easily tweaked by random passing dipshits.

  25. LiveToServeYa

    This is all a drink-sodden plot to rule by Breitbart to rule teh Intarnets from beyond the grave. Well, it worked for Bela Lugosi in Plan 9.

  26. Joshua Norton

    Mr. Breitbarts final drunken video of him screaming senseless obscenities at CPAC protesters tells posterity all they need to know about him. Just another deluded, gin-soaked right wing asshole.

    Bomp, bomp,bomp,
    Another one bites the dust
    Another one bites the dust
    And another one gone, and another one gone
    Another one bites the dust

  27. Schmannnity

    Maybe the late Breitbart's footage can be merged with all the shocking findings of Trump's investigators yet unrevealed.

  28. BerkeleyBear

    Gah – the Annenberg shit, again? Really? Which becomes how Barack met Bill 2.0? Because the Annenberg Challenge is also the funding agency of the neighborhood improvement board that Obama and Ayers were both on, well after Obama left college. Why do I suddenly feel like the Tides Foundation, George Soros and Glenn Beck feature prominently in this little film? Along with how Obama wanted to be President in first grade, how there are halos around letters in his long form birth certificate, and long explanations of how only people with tin foil hats can block the rays of the librul media.

    The crazy stupid – it burns so bad hell might feel comfortable to Breitbart.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, but then I realized Breitbart would be there, yelling at us all."

    1. Gunner Asch

      Flashie-backie! My platoon in Basic in '67 had twin brothers who lurved that song. They usually marched in front of me and be-bopped up and down singing it under their breaths. I often ended up bouncing up and down a bit too. The DI's hollered a bit when they caught them.

    1. SorosBot

      You're over 24 hours too late for that, dude; they started almost as soon they heard he was dead.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Yeah. And it makes even more conspiracier when you stop to think that he had videos that were about to be released of the Kenyan Muslim Socialist Usurper.
        Obviously, Andrew Breitbart is the first victim of the Obama Space Based Death Ray!

  29. ttommyunger

    Wonderful day today! Dreamt last night that Andrew Breitbart had died. Woke up this morning to find it was still true. Life is good! OT: my Facebook friends here in Dumfukistan are posting energetic defenses of this lying, disgusting worm and condemning my gleeful posts about his demise. I fucking love it.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      I hope you posted his screamy rant at the protestors, and his tweets about Ted Kennedy.

      1. ttommyunger

        Too many indiscretions to post, just labeled him the Asshole's Asshole that he is. You can check it on fb (ttommyunger). Hilarious!

        1. Generation[redacted]

          Luckily, my facebook friends from redneckistan have been mercifully quiet about this whole thing. Just the usual posts about how liberals are responsible for their trucks suddenly costing $100 to fill with gasoline and getting 8mpg.

        2. tessiee

          My facebook isn't returning any results for ttommyunger. There's a guy called Thomas Unger in Georgia, but judging by the pictures, he's obviously not you, since your stated age is "over 70".

          1. ttommyunger

            People tell me I look about 40-50, go figure. Biker with 'tash and clit tickler is me. Wish I could say it was clean living.

  30. Biff

    Totally. We should just appoint santorum now and save the drama of a convention and/or election.

    1. C_R_Eature

      No, he's Ayatollah Ruhollah Santorum. Religious Leader of the Nation. We'll still need a bearded, mouthy, stupid President. Grover?

  31. SorosBot

    However, let us remember that there are tragic innocent victims in all deaths, even that of a hateful bigot like Breitbart; I hear that both the bar and liquor store closest to his house saw their profits drop in half yesterday, and feel sad for them.

  32. jolpaj

    It's like somebody edited out all the parts of his life with the decency in them, creating a misleading vision of him as a despicable racist. If only it weren't for that last sharp cut, we might have seen the part of his life that had the redemption in it

  33. Tundra Grifter

    A year after Walt Disney died, the senior corporate managers were told to meet in a conference room with a large screen.

    Seats were assigned to each person.

    A movie of Walt started where he pointed to each executive and he asked specific questions about the business operations.

  34. Tommy1733

    Please Wonkettes – you must – MUST – be sure to read the article that is linked "sexed up Barry in a limousine". You will probably spit your food, so please be careful.

  35. C_R_Eature

    Breitbart's Ghost will appear next Christmas Eve, in the persona of Krampus.

    He will appear to all the bad Liberal Occupy Children, when they're on mushrooms and yell "BEHAAAAVE YOURSELVES!" and "STOP RAPING PEOPLE! STOP RAPING PEOPLE! STOP RAPING THE PEOPLE!" until everyone stops having fun.

    It will be horrible.

  36. OneYieldRegular

    For contextual purposes, I'll be needing videos of everyone's college days before I'll watch Barry's.

  37. arihaya

    oh man,, the wingnuts REALLY seem to believe the Breitbart murder conspiracy theory

    this will be jackpot for comedy writers everywhere

  38. voodooeconomics

    Someone dressed as an Acorn did his ass in. Whacked this stupid prick before the tapes comes out with Obama making out with the White Girls of Harvard.

  39. Larry McAwful

    This is such bullshit. I don't believe that Andrew Breitbart is actually dead. No one should! Not until he produces his long-form death certificate. It's a hoax.

  40. C_R_Eature

    For lunch, they're serving 12" flaming spiked Demon penises and Ham Sandwiches.

    Oh, shucks, they just ran out of Ham Sandwiches!

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