Joe Arpaio Said Something So Important That CNN Broadcast It Live

Lookin sassy!Top Arizona media whore and pink panty queen Joe Arpaio gave a stupid press conference today! Was it to respond to those allegations that he stole millions and millions of public dollars to persecute his political opponents? To announce a new partnership-initiative with the Pope in covering up reports of child molestation? Or did he decide to finally announce that like Paul Babeu, he too has a preference for illicit gay handjobs from illegal Mexicans? COME ON, WHAT WAS THE MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT, CNN???

OH. What, really? Really, CNN? Just because Joe Arpaio is a wicked lunatic who loves being on camera when only he knows he’s got the pink panties on underneath does not mean you are obligated to help him fulfill his fetishes, CNN. Or maybe they are?


In conclusion, CNN is run by brain-damaged space wombats and Joe Arpaio still thinks that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake, the end.

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    1. Flat_Earther

      You may not have noticed, but there is a negro living in the Whitehouse. That can't be right. Joe is going to fix it for us.

    1. valthemus

      Gasp! I get it! It's all connected!

      Breitbart had proof that the birth certificate was fake so he was silenced by the administration, but brave, pink-panties wearing Joe Arpaio soldiers on! Curse you, liberal devils! Curse you!

      (Seriously, has the internet become saturated with Breitbart conspiracy theories yet? Folks have had all day to work on them.)

        1. BigRadio

          I got a good laugh out of that fpd. First off, my late comment on the Breitbart is Dead post was: I haven't been this upset since Josef Goebbels died. And then I saw this on your link:
          Chancellor of Germany
          In office
          30 April 1945 – 1 May 1945

          Talk about "King for a Day!"

    1. FROTHY

      I'd really like to know. Because I saw him being interviewed on Univision the other night, and he claimed to have lived in Mexico and South America.

  1. Slim_Pickins

    The birth certificate is fake because Hawaii wasn't a state when Joe was born….

  2. Beowoof

    Still think that Arpaio name sounds foreign. Bet he has some Mexican in him, and not the same way Sheriff Babeau has a Mexican in him.

      1. Beowoof

        Forgive my reading his name and pronunciation as of Hispanic origin. Still he is an asshole, just an one with an Italian heritage.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          They appear to come in all sizes, shapes, nationalities, and religions, so it's easy to get confused.A lot of them look alike, too.(See contraception hearing.)

  3. bureaucrap

    Slow news day. It was either that or report on the Syrian Civil War, Russian Elections, Israeli threats against Iran, the Collapse of the Greek, Italian, Spanish and Irish economies, Uganda's persecution of Gays, Egypt's persecution of activists, the continuing failure of the "job creators" to actually create jobs, or a number of other boring stories that nobody cares about.

    However, I bet they devoted mucho air time to Justin Bieber's birthday celebrations!

      1. bureaucrap

        that kind of thing is "inside the beltway". Not important enough. Besides which, Justin's birthday bash features Elvis Impersonators!!!

    1. Steverino247

      Not to mention the fact that our Army is in the field, the Navy is fighting pirates, wounded troops are struggling to recover from wounds that would have killed them ten years ago and the North Koreans appear to be giving up on nukes. But nooooooo.

      The media today is like a lot of police forces: Go cover the easy stuff with ten squad cars and just don't go down certain streets.

      1. V572 Flambé

        They especially appreciate pre-scheduled events like Joe's presser. You've got to have your day planned out, rather than just running around chasing so-called "news." Who'd wanna do that?

        It's why they love elections so much. The candidates feed them doughnuts and drive them around on buses.

    2. SorosBot

      But those are all just the interests of the foreigns; there's no reason for our networks to care about that!

    3. flamingpdog

      Is Snooki stil denying she's pregnant? Maybe Joe Arpiehole can fly back to Vaginia (aka Joisey) to perform the transvaginal ultrasound?

  4. SorosBot

    When is the DOJ gonna arrest this Mexican-hating, Eighth-Amendment-violating dickwad's ass anyway?

    1. redarmyzombie

      Hopefully, they're waiting to catch him snorting Blow off the ass of a gay Mexican prostitute.

  5. JustPixelz

    I investigated Obama's birth certificate. It took me 10 seconds. How long has America's "toughest Sheriff" been at it? (Tough, but apparently not very, um, smart.)

  6. Deportably_Jose

    Seriously, though, can anyone come up with a reason why it might be a bad idea to have this guy in charge of asking people for, and verifying, identification papers, under pain of imprisonment for being an immigrant?

    Because, me personally? I can't think of a single reason why you wouldn't want someone who BROUGHT IN JEROME FUCKING CORSI AS AN AUTHENTICATION EXPERT to be the guy in charge of checking, *ahem* "random" residents' IDs.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Any one who had his picture taken with a smiling Dick Nixon in the Oval Office and is still alive is too senile to know any facts beyond; "I think my Depends leaked."

          1. James Michael Curley

            “You do know Elvis is dead, right? No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home”

    1. fuflans

      exactly and why on earth is the sheriff of a county in the state of arizona investigating the birth certificate of the head of the federal government?

      sheriff be wasting some bagger money.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Sheriff be trying to deflect attention from the fact that the Feds are on to his criminal activities. And CNN is helping him. How sweet.

      2. FROTHY

        Taxpayer money. He's already "disappeared" $99 MILLION taxpayer dollars with his bullshit, and now he's going to spend more on this.

        Damn I hope the DoJ takes him down right quick.

      1. flamingpdog

        I vote for involving a six-foot dildo. They're easy to find on the floor of the House of Representatives.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      Holy flaming bags of poo, that discussion board is the most entertaining thing I've seen all day. No, all week.

      All year, to this point, frankly.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        "Its just a shame that the majority of cops and public morgues are masons and in on the act"

        Wow. Just, wow.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Yeah, that one struck me as Highly Trollish, but Poe's Law is workin' overtime at that place.

    2. C_R_Eature

      I saw the post about the orbiting satellite that beams microwaves down to fry your brains. Finally, someone who understands why I wear a Colander as a hat AT ALL TIMES.

      1. FROTHY

        Please tell me you are NOT that fucking dood in the public library who ALWAYS has a fucking colander on his head. Please. It's been ten years now.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Naw, I never go to public libraries. That's where they surreptitiously take pictures of your irises and collect genetic material and fingerprints for the FEMA database. Everyone knows this.
          Plus, all the water is Fluoridated. 'Nuff said.

  7. An_Outhouse

    CNN has a thing for birthers. If its not Arpaio then its Trump. Its like they want to have butt secs with the birth certificate.

  8. redarmyzombie

    Ladies and gentlemen, I've said it before and I'll say it again: is anyone REALLY surprised?

  9. Man bear pig

    Arpaio just proved beyond a doubt that Obama released forged birth documents, several of them. Why does that not bother you?

      1. Man bear pig

        Did you watch the 2 hours of disclosing the evidence he held today?
        How the FU@K would you know if you did not, drone?

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            "You can say FUCK here."
            It's part of the charm of this place, and one of the reasons I keep coming back for more.

        1. lulzmonger

          Pass – I prefer to let others suffer through the bloviations of the child-abuse-enabler so I don't have to. Arpaio's weak-ass case amounts to "Obama's BC was scanned on a fancy printer, ergo it's a FAKE! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!1!1!one!"

          Citing a known bullshit-pimping clown like Corsi as an "authority" tells me exactly what to expect before he even opens his hate-hole: when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel that hard, everyone knows you've got bupkis.

          But surely all the pointing & laughter from libtards only PROVES that Sheriff Joe is onto something! Please, by all means, feel free to encourage everyone you can in the GOP to re-climb the Mount Everest of EPIC FAIL that is Birtherism between now & November, with my sincere blessings.

          1. Iam_Who_Iam

            Is it wrong that my favorite bit of your post was “SHEEPLE!!!!1!1!one!” ? I’m guessing I’ve been out of the loop and missed its birth but this is my new favorite meme. Expect all of my subsequent posts to end like this!!!!1!1!one!

    1. SorosBot

      Yep, he proved that beyond a doubt, with all that evidence he showed like that baseless assertion he pulled out of his ass, and the jack shit in the way of actual evidence for this ridiculous racist conspiracy theory that's been known to be pure bullshit for almost four years now.

      1. Man bear pig

        Really, do you know anything that came up today or do you just bend over like the rest of the Establishment media?

        1. SorosBot

          It's the establishment media that's giving this dipshit air he doesn't deserve; because he's a right winger, and as always the corporate mainstream media is in bed with the conservatives.

        2. glamourdammerung

          It is simply precious to see you insulting people about being gullible because they do not agree with some random idiot that said something they can not back up with facts.

      2. Native_of_SL_UT

        Sorosbot, my friend, I did not know you were part of the Establishment Media.
        Now bend over please.

    2. MissTaken

      The only thing that Arpaio "proved beyond a doubt" is that he's a racist douchebag who wastes his time that should be spent investigating child abuse cases in his county that he was elected to be Sheriff of on witch hunts that lead to nowhere. Why does that not bother you?

        1. Native_of_SL_UT

          Based on the replies up there, he is serious. Which by the way, is really funny.

          1. redarmyzombie

            Hot damn, I think he really is. That is depressing AND hilarious at the same time.

          1. Native_of_SL_UT

            All right guys, we can all just give up today. No way are any of us going to be funnier than this fucker.

          2. SayItWithWookies

            I really can't believe you're trying to create this much discord in a time of war, when our nation really needs to pull together. So what if the president is violating the Constitution? The only way to protect our freedom is to ignore these little momentary blips so that we can be free later. It's like you don't even remember how serious this is. Probably 'cause you're some sort of al-Qaida agent.

          3. redarmyzombie

            Also, would anybody happen to know why some of my longer comments aren't posting here on Wonkette?

          4. redarmyzombie

            Not that I expect this to get through your skull, but if Obama WASN'T a U.S. citizen, don't you think that fact would have been picked up on by, oh, I don't know, the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the Secret Service, the Department of Homeland Security, and not to mention all the other Federal/State law enforcement agencies during the 2008 election?

            But hey, I don't live in Wingnut Land, so what do *I* know?

          5. WunkRocker

            No because that serial librul GW Bush was in charge when they could investigated Barry. Not to mention Dick Cheney just likes black people and Sharia law.

          6. redarmyzombie

            Sad thing is, in Wingnut World, that makes perfect, logical sense in some unfathomable way.

            I'm gonna need a blackboard, guys.

          7. redarmyzombie

            K, sorry, but if Obama wasn't a U.S. citizen, don't you think the FBI, CIA, NSA, Secret Service, AND the Department of Homeland Security would have picked up on that BEFORE he was elected?

        2. SorosBot

          At first, I thought he was being sarcastic; then I realized I didn't recognize him and clicked on his profile; no he's actually that stupid.

          1. flamingpdog

            I'm gonna change my name here to Diane chelly becky, who just happen to be my three favorite fantasy sex objects.

          2. flamingpdog

            Krugman said that Newt Gangrenich is what stupid people think smart people sound like. Trolls come here to hear what actual smart people sound like.

          3. SorosBot

            It comes from a disease common among the backwards wingut morons of the population, which results in them having no life whatsoever; and nothing better to do than troll us with their racist bullshit.

          4. redarmyzombie

            Come for the snark, stay because the wingtards make you catatonically depressed…

    3. C_R_Eature

      I always suspected this, but I really think that Sheriff Joe doesn't have the full document dataset I did a small amount of Web -Based research and found this:

      Better click and download fast, before the government takes the site down. Also, delete all these messages as I will. This is dangerous business.Take it from me.

    4. FROTHY

      Because my standards of proof are a lot higher than "I said so, dammit." He doesn't have the first fucking clue what he's talking about.

  10. An_Outhouse

    Joe, I would can the birth certificate investigation if you know what's good for you. Our friend Andrew found out the hard way.

  11. edgydrifter

    I love the wingnut meme that Nobummer is so incompetent at everything that even with the best technology and most highly-skilled forgers at his disposal he can't produce a document that would pass muster with Arizona's version of Sheriff Buford T. Justice.

    1. TheMightyHaltor

      But to be fair, even the [i]real[/i] birth certificate wouldn't (and hasn't) passed muster with that crowd.

    2. Soylent Green

      And a tip top Secret Service vetting process because he isn't exactly working at Burger King.

      1. FROTHY

        There ya go! Our spy agencies are the best and biggest with the most up-to-date equipment — except, of course, that one time, they let that Moose Lump infiltrator Manchurian communist fascist Islamodoodoo guy in.

    3. tessiee

      And simultaneously such a mastermind/supervillain as to engineer a vast time-traveling conspiracty faking all the details of his life.

    1. flamingpdog

      He's the big hole in the ground where the Messican arborists pulled in the dead ash tree.

  12. Doktor Zoom

    I think it's premature to declare him "America's Toughest Sheriff." A lot depends on how you season, marinade, and baste, so this phrase really should not be used prior to the cookoff.

  13. annettaj

    Arizona doesn't have enough bullshit already with their crazy
    assed governor and other"busy" sheriff?

  14. MarionNYNY

    So he wanted to let Frothy know that he was a birther in case Frothy wanted to run away from the endorsement, which Frothy didn't. This tells us two things. Frothy is a whore who will accept anyone's endorsement AND even Joe knows his own position looks crazy.

  15. valthemus

    In CNN's defense, they were probably expecting some kind of sane and sensible statement concerning the ongoing investigation of Arpaio's department. SUCKERS!!!

      1. Negropolis

        And, if they were, they are serially fucking stupid to expect such a thing from a cad like Joe.

  16. Extemporanus

    What does that pile of shit he stepped in to the left of him have to say on the matter?

      1. Extemporanus

        Shit no, though I'll admit that it might appear so.

        My avatard actually experienced a brown out shortly before Sir Frothy Mix-a-Lot's recent surge from behind, but(t?) this was due more to Pedobear-replacing, Extemporanus-related inspiration than anything else.

        Check out my unnecessarily long reply to BigRadio (née "RadioTherapy") for the whole sad, sordid, boring-ass story.

  17. Doktor Zoom

    I hope he explained the Honolulu newspaper birth announcements. Because those are my favorite part of the Birther Miracle.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      My favorite part is the American woman who gave birth to him is not his real mother. If she was, there would be no controversy. Miracle birth! No wonder conservatard wing nuts keep calling him the Messiah.

  18. Man bear pig

    Why can't Obama just prove he is who he says he is, McCain, Romney, Santorum, Paul, Newt all have vast proof for the public, but Obama can't be asked for that because he is a half Black half Cracker, with no slaves in his family tree.

    Is it Cracker or Black that is not PC, I do not know any Black folks who like being called African American, but I know plenty of Lib hacks on TV who call white people Crackers.

    1. SorosBot

      But you guys aren't racist. And uh, Obama's been forced to give more information on his background than any one else because of conspiracy theorists like you – he's presented vastly more than McCain, Romney, Santorum, Paul or Newt. And every single detail of his life has been investigated in tiny little detail before he was elected, much more than any other Presidential candidate ever.

      Remember the fake controversy over the Reverend Wright, or Bill Ayers? And the mainstream media would not shut up about them, just kept going on and on about these bullshit guilt-by-association smears that nobody outside of the far right cared about.

    2. James Michael Curley

      Romney has no birth certificate.
      McCain was not born in the United States.
      Republican Candidate Barry Goldwater was born in Mexico.
      Republican Candidate George Romney was born in Mexico.

        1. James Michael Curley

          The bottom line of the Sheriff Arpaio stupidity, or the sheet he wants to pull over everyone’s eyes, is not that whatever they claim proved the long form birth certificate is a forgery it is the issue of What Have You Got to Rebut It? The birthers have produced nothing in the last five years which supports their claims, only assumptions which support their assumptions.

    3. SayItWithWookies

      So President Obama isn't stereotypically black enough for you, is that your problem? First you bitch about black people wanting reparations and equal rights and the ability not to get stopped on the street and asked for their papers, and then you complain about someone not having ancestors who were slaves? Come on, which is it gonna be?

    4. Nostrildamus

      Actually, McCain's "natural born citizen" status is actually questioned by reliable sources. Obama's status is just only questioned racist wingtards and opportunists capitalizing on racist wingtards. I trust you're not the latter.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Yes, and the difference between "naturalized citizen" and "natural born citizen" as raised by the Constitution's qualification for the presidency is further complicated by two facts not mentioned in the Snopes article. The clause in the constitution specifically provides that presidents can meet the qualification if they were 'citizens' when the Constitution is ratified. Additionally, in the 1790's Congress passed a law defining 'natural born citizen' as being born in the United States and repealed it only a few years later. It was not until the 10th president, John Tyler until the US had a 'natural born citizen' who was actually born in the United States after the Union was formed and he became president when Harrison coughed it up and died.

    5. axmxz

      Yes. Why can't Obama give extra super-duper proofs no one else was asked for, and also, bitter butthurt, also.

    6. 40 or 50 % McShineys

      Is it Cracker or Black that is not PC

      Oh, wow! Why are you pretending to be concerned about being "PC"? What's the matter, worried that everyday society might be repulsed by you, and ostracize you? Do you really think anyone believes you actually strive to not offend people in your everyday life? Come on now.

      You should just own your racism. Seriously. I mean, to paraphrase YOU, just prove you are who you say you are, you know?

      You ought to stop trying to mask the fact that you are an abhorrent fuckstick. People really need to know this up front.

      1. James Michael Curley

        I have after hearing this term "Politically Correct" (created by that phony William F. Buckley) for thirty years and never uncounted a term which was "Politically Correct" to be anything other than common courtesy. Prove me wrong.

        Its a bogus claim created by a bogus, self inflated, whining, bigoted pundit who used it to deny legitimacy to people asking for the common courtesy that others recognize them as equals.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Actually, as I recall, "Politically Correct" originated among student lefties, largely as a sort of in-joke about who was being Liberal Enough and who wasn't–the Maoist connotations of the term as used in the early 80's were deliberate, and satirical, as in, "Sharon's not sure that dating a guy who owns a Buick is Politically Correct"

          1. James Michael Curley

            Interesting and I can see where you are coming from. I’m quite sure it predates the 1980’s. A bunch of us used to sit around the dorm and laugh at Bill Buckley’s pretense in 1970.

    7. lulzmonger

      Because no doubt the US Electoral Commission & Secret Service were also "too PC" to have thoroughly vetted President Obama long before he was even chosen as the Democratic nominee … which means THEY'RE ALL IN ON IT TOGETHER ZOMG!

      Time for you to toddle back to one or another tentacle of the BigFAIL franchise so you can preach to the choir all about what kinds of terrible things the liberal queers are doing to the soil – your work here is done.

    8. tessiee

      Why can't YOU just accept the fact that Obama won the Presidency fair and square (unlike a certain Duhbya Bush I could name), even though he's black?

      If anybody ever took this birth certificate horseshit seriously to begin with, they don't anymore. Either admit that there's no proof on earth that will satisfy you (like anyone gives a damn anyway); or get over it, stop trying to overturn a legal election almost four years after the fact, and move on.

    9. James Michael Curley

      As of February 24, 2012 Rick Santorum has yet to produce a copy of his birth certificate. He states he was born in Virginia. That is all. In 2006 it was discovered his father was born in Italy and never applied for citizenship.

        1. James Michael Curley

          Additionally, although his mother says she was born in the US; he can’t, or won’t, produce a birth certificate for her.

  19. Sassomatic

    Someone call CNN! I have an important announcement regarding the so-called moon landing. I would also like to announce that I am the Lindburg baby. WHY AREN'T THEY HERE YET?!?

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Because you're not a "celebrity", Sass. I eagerly look forward to Sheriff Joe's debut on Dancing W/ The Starz.

  20. Steverino247

    Once more, with feeling:

    Obama could have been born on Pluto, but as long as his mother was a U.S. citizen, so was he. The two newspapers of record for Hawai'i printed birth notices, even. Who the hell really believes that some guy in Kenya has the resources to get two rival newspapers on the other side of the planet to print a lie just to support a run for President 40 years later by a black kid, who, at the time of his birth had exactly ZERO chance of drinking from the same water fountain as whites, let alone becoming President. On August 4, 1961, his parents couldn't have even gotten married in much of the United States, let alone think about having a kid make it to the White House as something other than a servant or cook. Stupidity alone does not explain this belief system. The belief that cutting your balls off and then drinking poison so you could catch a ride on a passing comet is an MIT Ph.D. dissertation by comparison to the birther belief system. Anyone who espouses this stupidity should not be allowed near a pair of Nikes.

    And fuck you, Man bear pig, you troll.

    1. Man bear pig

      I do not care where Obamao was born, he released several forged documents, and fights like hell to make sure no one can see the real ones. Obama will be vetted, weather he wants to be or not.

      This means jail time.

      1. LesBontemps

        This means jail time.

        Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Whew.

        Hell, if W, Cheney, David Addington, Jay Bybee and John Yoo aren't serving life sentences for actual crimes against the United States specifically and humanity generally, do you really think there is going to be some whacked out prosecution of Barack Obama because of some wingnut fantasy? Hasn't Orly Taitz been laughed out of court/sanctioned for frivolous pleadings enough yet?

      2. MissTaken

        Obama has been vetted, over and over and over. Do you honestly think that Hillary and McCain let him campaign against them in 08 without scouring every single piece of Obama's existence?

        1. SorosBot

          No, THE TRUTH could only be discovered by a group of troglodyte racists living in their parents' basements obsessing over their silly conspiracy theories, then spread by several disingenuous famewhores like Trump and Arpaio who are just looking for attention.

          1. MissTaken

            Thank goodness there's still 50 year old virgins who only break from furious masturbating with their Cheetos covered pinky fingers to expose the TRUTH.

          2. SorosBot

            THE TRUTH is so important, they even had to neglect their normal activity of saving the World …

            … of Warcraft.

          3. C_R_Eature

            Just wanted to step in and say what an admirable job all of you are doing in shredding today's Troll. I knew they'd be here today.
            Gold Stars all around!

          4. MissTaken

            I have the little people to thank for it.

            Literally. I have a team of Ewoks that sit around just upfisting me all day. And believe me, it tickles.

          5. Steverino247

            Actually, I'm more Wookie sized, but fisting you is something I enjoy doing. Wait! UPfisting you is something I enjoy doing. (Whew!)

          6. Doktor Zoom

            I think that both of you are making a big mistake in ignoring the CHEMTRAILS and HAARP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          7. C_R_Eature

            I think, personally that the practice of hospitals breeding Pig-Men is much more disturbing. I did a small amount of Web-Based research and found this to be true.

      3. SayItWithWookies

        Jail time — for the entire state of Hawaii, including the governor, the registrar and that Goddess Pele, whom we've allowed to live in our Christian nation while she does nothing but spout lava and endanger lives! Where's the outrage, people?!

      4. Steverino247

        No, the Republican Governor of the State of Hawai'i said the documents were valid and then her replacement released the "long form" (which turned out to be shorter than the "Certificate of Live Birth" that all states issue these days) birth certificate but none of that matters to those who cannot fathom how a black man got into the White House. Have you any idea how many people would be "in on this" by now if any fraud had been committed? Probably in the tens of thousands and involving pretty much the entire intelligence community in the United States and abroad. Wouldn't Iran or North Korea be talking smack about Obama's documents, too? They have a LOT more to gain than you do, Man bear pig. What about Putin or some other folks who might like to embarrass the President? Deal with it. Enjoy the next 11 months or so, especially the Inauguration in January of Barack Obama as President of the United States.

      5. e_z

        "weather he wants, like thunderstorms and lightening and biblical diasters type weather? That doesn't make much sense, but then…oh WTF, later Mbp.

      6. James Michael Curley

        Even if the documents were 'forged' as you, Sheriff Arpaio and that fraud Jerome Corsi represent, what crimes are you or they identifying?

    2. 40 or 50 % McShineys

      The upfist doesn't do this comment enough justice! Well fucking done!

      and then dropped on a troll.

  21. MinAgain

    I couldn't be bothered to watch the clip. Was Joe Arpaio announcing that he would like to buy another vowel?

  22. fitley


  23. Generation[redacted]

    This is the most important story of our time, so it's important that the whole world tune in to listen to —- HEY! A SQUIRREL!

  24. Nostrildamus

    Only 2 logos in that screen grab? That just shows the sorry state of journalism today.

    1. banana_bread

      The 1980s called and asked if they could just leave you here. I told them they'd owe us $50 in overtime nanny pay.

    2. 40 or 50 % McShineys

      I think you need to rephrase your war cry, dude.

      Try this one to put some real fear into liberal elitists:

      "Smart people will be outbred by idiots!"

      1. Doktor Zoom

        No, no we didn't, my precious, you see, actually, we are apparently all communists, committed to the re-imposition of a Soviet Nazi Muslim Atheist dictatorship in which everyone will be aborted and forced to worship trees.

        Oh no, I said that aloud…here come the black helicopters!

        1. redarmyzombie

          No, you see, it's a Soviet Nazi GAY Muslim Atheist dictatorship.

          And the helicopters are rainbow colored.

    3. redarmyzombie

      "Listen, Manbear, this is Christopher Walken. I just want you to know, that your penis isn't as small as you think it is. You're not alone, in this world; consider me. I got this firm, supple body, and these smooth, graceful hands. You can meet me behind the dumpster. I take payment in kittens."

      1. tessiee

        Anything is better when it's spoken in the voice of Christopher Walken.
        William Shatner and Adam West would be acceptable, too.

    4. fuflans

      you know dude, if communism = china and socializms = canada, well, red blooded american capitalism isn't looking too perky by comparison.

      course, that statement requires actual knowledge of geopolitics and economics.

      so yeah, let's just go with 'communism will be crushed'.

    5. Steverino247

      Really? And tell us what heroic feats you've done to make this happen. How long did you spend in the Army overseas patrolling DMZ's, observing the Iron Curtain from a foxhole in the snow or maybe even shooting at the Commies in Vietnam?

      Didn't think so.

    6. lulzmonger

      Not fucking likely.

      Corporate communism laughs itself to sleep on a big bag of your money every night, sunshine. Knowing that Dunning-Kruger-afflicted dipshits like you will defend it to the death if they just call it "the Free Market" & equate it with the patriotism they despise is merely the sweet sweet schadenfreude cherry on their Grand Theft Sundae.

      PS: Remember to vote for its GOP Komissars this fall – they won't screw you over NEXT time, they promise*!
      * ( some conditions may apply )

    7. tessiee

      You guys, I'm trying to think whether I've ever been called a "pinko" before, and I actually never have.
      It's so… so *retro*!
      What's next? Will he tell us all to "23 skiddoo"?

    8. James Michael Curley

      Rock and Roll killed communism. Ronald Reagan prolonged its life so he could get reelected.

    1. Pithaughn

      Don't worry. the economy is swirling around the drain as it is. Every single business park is surrounded with real estate for lease or sale signs. Only Intel and the Apache helicopter factory are expanding. Won't be long before the water dries up and the price of AC finishes this stucco burb off.

  25. MRjonz

    And you just know that when Sheriff Joe and Orly Taitz finally cosumated their union, it will involve handcuffs and pink undies. And wait till I describe what Ms. Taitz will be wearing…

    1. C_R_Eature

      "I love how the supposedly empathetic bleeding heart LIEBERALS are really a bunch of nasty intolerant SOB's and cowerdly too also you lieing Obot Skum!!11!!!1"

      How was that? I have a Wingnut Rosetta Stone disk on loan.

    2. tessiee

      Well, celebrity deaths come in threes. There's already Breitbart and Davy Jones, so we can all keep our fingers crossed.

  26. DaRooster

    That Arizona sheriff guy is gay… huh? That is a different sheriff? I wouldn't put it by this guy being an angry "let me suck it or I will deport you" kinda guy.

  27. ttommyunger

    Nope, not even Joe R. Piehole can ruin my day: Andrew Fucking Breitbart is dead. ;)

        1. Doktor Zoom

          OK, so who did the voiceover for "The President's Speech"? Pretty dead-on Don LaFontaine impersonation…

          1. not that Dewey

            He had already died by then, no? Google won't give up its secrets. That's a mystery for the ages.

            "I've never seen so many damn insurance commissioners"

            What kills me is that after that, Obama pretty much owned the teleprompter joke, but that didn't stop the CPAC clowns from reading leleprompter jokes off teleprompters.

  28. onemoretime79

    Your'e doing a heck of a job, CNN – pronouncing; miss-pronouncing.
    Either or = the kiss of death for Jojo. And you.

  29. Pithaughn

    Joe is very popular in AZ. So the local network newsers have to play this like a major news story. Some of the talking heads can't keep a straight face though. I'm here for a class and was amazed at the time devoted to cover what to me is a blatantly politcally motivated investigation. The sherriff claims that 250 citiezens asked him to investigate. 250 out of 4 million residents. so what? 10 x -5 percent. I wonder if 500 concerned citizens demanded he investigate rumors that he likes to torture little boys and then dump them headless in the desert if that investigation would get the same resources. Seems just as likely to me , as likely as a conspiracy to cover up the President of the United States of America having a fake birth certificate. Joe.

  30. Pat_Pending

    I dream of a world where self-hating homos don't get free press for trying to bring down the President, and Snooki's pregnancy doesn't get more coverage than Davy Jones' death.

    Oh, and Man-Bear-Pig = big hairy guy with his mouth open, begging for more shit to be rammed down it. Hey, I didn't come up with this definition; it's been out there for decades! What, he didn't know? Oh, he knew…

  31. redarmyzombie

    It's rather astounding, considering this has been going on for nigh on four years now…good god, I'm 22 and already I feel old and cynical. -_-

    Anyhoo, I doubt I'll be up in the morning, so here's to wishing you a merry-and SHORT-trip.

  32. James Michael Curley

    No need to apologize I grew up in a neighborhood where everybody’s family name ended in a vowel and in the summer they moved down to the basement ‘kitchen’ to keep cool.

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