sure why not

Herman Cain Watches Girl Torture Goldfish From Mountaintop

Here is a little girl throwing water and mud on top of a goldfish she dumped on the ground. Did you know that it’s also a political ad from Herman Cain, decrying the Stimulus? Of course you did, what else would it be.

The ad doesn’t really explain what’s going on in the ad. There is a girl and she is just stone cold killin’ her fish, and then there is ol’ Herman “Herb” Cain watching it all from atop a mountain in Mordor. But oh, what is this — a description from the YouTube page!

The goldfish is fine, but our economy isn’t. Are you Sick yet? In essence, stimulus has been just like throwing a bucket of water on a fish and expecting him to swim on land. […]

We want Solutions, not more Stimulus coming from Washington D.C.
We the people are Sick of Stimulus!

Ah, got it. Shut up.

[YouTube via The Atlantic]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  • Barb

    That's just fucked up. Santa knows where this little brat lives. And hopefully, Pedobear.

    • CountryClubJihadi

      I'd like to kick her little ass. Evil.

    • Extemporanus

      Too bad Child Protective Services apparently doesn't.

    • redarmyzombie

      As does Krampus.

  • Fox n Fiends

    The hills have eyes.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Everytime I see that title, I want Julie Andrews to start singing…"The hills they have eyes…."

    • MOG2410

      So that's what they were putting on Godfather's pizza?

  • Trannysurprise

    OT ALERT

    Sheriff Joe 'Orly' Arpaio-Taitz to announce results of Obama birth certificate 'investigation' at 3PM.

    WHERE IS MY LIVE BLOG WONKETTE????WHERE???

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      WHAR BIRF CERFICICACK, JOE????

    • MissTaken

      I'm sure it will go something like this:

      "Er, black Kenyan man"
      "No birfy certigicate"
      "Kenyen Aphrica"
      "Dur"

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
        • BaldarTFlagass

          Oh for fuck's sake. Really?

          • redarmyzombie

            To be honest, can we really be surprised at this point?

        • fuflans

          The White House did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

          takes a while to stop laughing.

          • SorosBot

            Why the fuck would they respond to this bullshit rehash of the same long discredited idiotic and racist conspiracy theory that's been run into the ground?

          • WunkRocker

            Can Joe prove he is not a illegal space alien here to suck all the U.S. American donkey cock and bring those vital juices back to him home world of OhFistMyBum? Can he?! The offense rests.

        • Barrelhse

          With the expected intelligent comments from the Washington Times 'readers.'

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I can almost see a scene where Obama steps to a mic and says "Y'know, I've been investigated for four years on these charges, had dozens of experts on both sides validate my birth certificate, but dayum! A small town Arizona sheriff and his half-inbred cousin with bad eyesight sussed me out. I'm resigning! Good luck getting this country back on its feet without me. If you need me, I'll be chairing Al Qaeda meetings"

          • MOG2410

            All six of them.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            AND. ALL. ONE. PERSON.

      • Trannysurprise

        So far it has gone like this:

        Obama is a black Kenyan, so therefore his birth certificate is fake. THAT IS SOME NO BULLSHIT PROOF RIGHT THERE FOLKS!!!!1!!

        Just throw his black ass out of Air Force One as it passes over Gitmo.

        CASE CLOSED.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Or if you live up in Alaska, he's not President because he's mulatto, which is a word people still use, in English apparently.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            In this day and age, I'm surprised they don't think it's something you order at Starbucks.

          • Neoyorquino

            "Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon.' " (Sorry — always enjoy an "Archer" reference whenever I can).

          • redarmyzombie

            Now you see, this is why we can't have nice things!

          • Neoyorquino

            And, while we're at it: sploosh.

  • MissTaken

    Landshark.

    • Bently Thurgrew, III

      Candygram.

    • Crank_Tango

      Candygram, also.

    • UnholyMoses

      Just a dolphin, ma'am …

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Damn! What did that goldfish do to Dakota Fanning?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You got it backwards: the fish committed suicide

      • Fare la Volpe

        Death by Cindy is the new death by cop.

  • bumfug

    Herman Cain ads are like throwing a bucket of shit at the camera and expecting anybody to care.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      SANTORUM LIBEL!

  • LesBontemps

    I thought snuff films went out of style.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Don't mess with the Godfather. And don't ask what's in the pizza, neither.

      • WunkRocker

        Leave the goldfish. Take the canoli.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Here's Herman Cain, throwing gasoline on a pile of dogshit. What will happen? Who knows? Who gives a fuck?

    • Fare la Volpe

      That's not a nice thing to do to Mitt Romney.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I like how it ends with Herman Cain facing his electoral prospects.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Add bedwetting and fire starting, and we have trouble

    • nounverb911

      Herman Cain wets his bed?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        He's getting kind of old. The ejaculate happens hours after the orgasm now.

    • MissTaken

      I really hope she doesn't drive a Volkswagon.

    • sharethegrief

      Trouble's already here. She lives with her parents who thought this was o.k. The dog might be next.

  • HelmutNewton

    "I'm Herman Cain. And If you elect me, I'll turn America into this post-apocalyptic Hellscape."

    • WunkRocker

      That's just fucked up. Hey Pizza man, if my wife ever sees this she's gonna stab you with a broken bottle and ask your dumb ass if you have "ANY QUESTIONS?"

  • user-of-owls

    Oh to be a fly on the wall when the unbalanced kiddies at ALF headquarters lay their eyes on this.

    • Barrelhse

      They'd probably pull your wings off.

    • SorosBot

      Alf headquarters? They'll probably wish it involved eating cats instead.

  • MissTaken

    We the people are Sick of Stimulus!

    Speak for yourself, Herman. I for one like to be stimulated. Multiple times, in fact.

    • SorosBot

      And how! :)

    • user-of-owls

      You're dreamy.

    • Not_So_Much

      Careful or he'll be grabbing your Judy Jetson ponytail as a handle…

    • Loaded_Pants

      That's why I'm confused by this, wasn't Herm also a fan of stimulation?

  • nounverb911

    Needs more PETA.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Seriously, I sort of hope that they go after his ass.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Hmm. They could. PETA got all upset when the Pike Place Market fish-thowing guys switched to a rubber fish (to mollify PETA) because it "disrespected" the fish.

        • anniegetyerfun

          No… what? Seriously? I love the rubber fish – especially when they throw it out at the tourists and it flops around on the floor and everyone screams.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Is it as good as Tony Soprano's fish singing "Don't Rock the Boat?"

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Today we are all that godamn goldfish.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Man, those conservatives are recruiting them young. Future Junior League president material right there.

    "No animals were harmed in the making of this commercial."

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    LBJ's daisy petal picker was better. This young lady was far too koi.

    • SayItWithWookies

      She's a gourami of one.

      • LesBontemps

        All right, all right, stop carping about it.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Got a bucket of dirt little girl? Dump salmon on that goldfish and put the poor thing out of it's misery. You look like the kind of kid that tortures small animals just for the halibut. I just hake you little monsters; you make me eel.

          I hope you cod hell from your friends for doing this idiotic ad.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Stop! You're gilling me!

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Wookies you're not far from the truth; gourami include some types known as mouthbrooders.

        Still doesn't give you the right to go actin' uppertii, as if you were one yourself.

    • UnholyMoses

      Stop with the fish puns or I'll kick your bass …

      • Tundra Grifter

        Unholy Moses:

        You are right. Too much floundering around here!

        [I would like some credit for not completely ripping off the great Kip Adotti's "Night in Atlantis" routine; after several beers I can still reel off most of it…]

    • CommieLibunatic

      Ow. Oww… OOOOWWWW!!! I think this post gave me meningitis!

      Have an upvote anyway.

    • gullywompr

      It's un-BEAR-able.

  • user-of-owls

    We the people are Sick of Stimulus!

    I see Herman is trying to claim he's a person again.

  • Ducksworthy

    Pedophishia? That's all I got out of that.

  • SorosBot

    It's too bad the "no animals were harmed in the making of this motion picture" rules apparently don't apply to political ads.

  • cheetojeebus

    In the sequel she plays checkers with Death.
    She kicks his ass.

    • WunkRocker

      I'm pretty sure the Nixon's dog is dead.

      • cheetojeebus

        Exactly. Think about it…is your mind blown yet?

    • Tundra Grifter

      "Death Knocks," by Woody Allen.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    (off camera) "Now, Becky Sue, you throw that bucket of water over that dying fish and recite the script just like we told you, or your kitty gets it *snickick*"

  • Tommmcattt

    Oh, Jesus that is horrible. How could you do something like that? And I'm not at all happy about that fish either.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Show a man an ad about a fish covered in mud and you stupefy him for a day. "Teach" a man to vote constantly against his best interests and the gubbiment will have to feed him for a lifetime until the 1% has enough of it.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …considering that torturing and killing small animals is the first sign of sociopath, I think they just created the next Ted Bundy for a political AD!

  • LesBontemps

    Is Herman Cain now in the lady-growing business? Is that what this is about?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That's what I wondered. My mom used to stick fish heads in the soil when she'd plant a garden. I thought maybe the little girl had roots.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Goldfish are people too, Herman my friend!

  • meatlofer

    That's the way that Fucker rolls!

  • MissTaken

    Dammit Herman, I specifically said "NO anchovies!"

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Please tell me your looks aren't as good as your snark. That would be pretty dangerous, in combo.

      • SorosBot

        Oh they most certainly are.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    What the fuck?!

    • elfgoldsackring

      Exactly. No-one said they couldn't be rhetorical questions.

      • LesBontemps

        No matter how many times I click, it only lets me upfist you once.

  • proudgrampa

    Please, help me understand. What is wrong with these people?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      That's what happens one lacks a basic understanding of how government works, science, math, psychology, any advancement of the 20th/21st century, the basics of US America history and are suffering from some sort of mental and emotional arrested development as well throw an attitude of entitlement, a touch of racism/regionalism/jingoism/nationalism mixed in a tub of fat and corn syrup.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Here's a book that will help

    • Loaded_Pants

      Everything.

      • proudgrampa

        Well, THAT says it all!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Simple – the banality of evil.

    • fuflans

      dude spent a goodly portion of his adult life making crappy pizza and chasing white tail.

  • WiscDad

    However we are NOT sick of condoms

  • Bently Thurgrew, III

    I wish to annouce my run for the Republican nomination. I am sure most would consider the timing of my bid to be eleventh hour but I am the only candidate with the business experience and steadfast Conservative values to win the election in November.

    Now, I want to extend my hand and a welcome to all of America's little people. Join me as we move forward. Forward for America. Just don't stand to close. You smell a bit.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Feel the momentum-herman!

    Oh wait, he's not in the running anymore. So what's the fucking point, pizza goblin?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Need a fish abused? Cain is able, no carping, and. as long as he doesn't flounder like his campaign, he will kick bass and roughy up the competition.

    I'd a felt better if he was throwing himself on a lava flow. "Air"-boarding a goldfish is uncool.

    • gullywompr

      Airboarding FTW!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      From my perch, you seem to want to skate past the real question: Are Herman Cain's dating prospects so bad now that he's hanging out in schoolyards?

      • Barrelhse

        He's a spineless jellyfish who only thinks about getting scrod, but his wife says she has a haddock.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          So you're saying she's an alewife?

          He could just go workout on the barbels until she gets betta. Wobbegong is the husband who tries to ram his sexy time down her trout! He might try to snapper head off!

  • Sue4466

    Given the success of the GOP's reliance on a 12 year old Grover Norquist to draft their tax policy, why wouldn't the GOP listen to the economic insights of a child too young to pronounce the word "economy" or to recognize she's killing her pet?

  • mavenmaven

    Was that his Breitbart eulogy?

  • anniegetyerfun

    Needless capitalization of nouns = sure sign of a nut.

    Or Hitler.

    • elfgoldsackring

      Not Just Nouns, Everythings!

  • gullywompr

    Filmed on location in George W. Bush National Wildlife Area.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

    That analogy is as tortured as Herb Cain wishes every single Muslim was.

  • Goonemeritus

    Well to reach is target demographic you need to bite the heads off a few chickens.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Bats work better.

  • Not_So_Much

    I don't think they're really committed if they're not willing to do a kitty crush video.

  • BarackMyWorld
  • anniegetyerfun
    • HistoriCat

      And that is why I try to change the subject whenever one of my kids expresses an interest in fishing.

  • Lucidamente1

    First Bretibart, now this.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    He's just parroting Newt's party line, because Cain is "his blubber's keeper."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They cut off the end where Herman casts a bunch of fireballs from his staff, turns to the camera, and says "There are some who call me… Herm."

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Mutherfucking fucker…I would punch Cain in the throat for this ad. Seriously…you had to torture a fish to make a non-point. You fucking prick…you unutterable shitheel. THIS is precisely why I like animals more than people.

    • Fare la Volpe

      In Herman's defense, the fish would have done the same thing if it were Herman on the ground. So would most Americans for that matter.

      • WunkRocker

        I support DBBuddha punching Cain in the throat/My wife stabbing him with a broken bottle 2012. Also

    • BlueStateLibel

      As I commented about the Romney brat with his goldfish, I see a shark in Cain's future come to deliver karma.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    He could totally get President Romney to appoint him to the President of the Army.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      He just wants to hang out with all the Secretaries.

      • WunkRocker

        Then they strap a dolphin to the roof of the Presidential Limo and take the family to DickMe Land.

  • Mahousu

    Yeah, I'm sick of stimulus, too. Total economic collapse is so much better. Just ask any Greek.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Herm doesn’t realize what great ideas this gives to the remaining GOP preznit campaigns:

    Santorum: flush the fish down the toilet <<>> wasteful gov’t spending
    Ron Paul: tie 2 fish’s tails together and leave ‘em to duke it out in their Freedom Fishbowl
    Newt: put the fishbowl w/ fish still inside into the freezer for the slow death panel salute
    Romney: fish trapped in water bottle <> – Already done: FISH TORTURE LIBEL Mitt! You’d better act fast~

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Metaphor fail.

  • MissTaken

    I guess the goldfish didn't want the job either?

    • Fare la Volpe

      You are filthy today. I approve oh so heartily.

  • JackDempsey1

    I love the absolute faith in Minimalism.
    I get the feeling that Cain believes you could truly understand the essence of the the energy crisis (or anything else) using an empty egg crate, a cabbage, and a garden hose.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Should have been toppings on a Pizza, not mud on a goldfish!

    We want solutions not Stimulus – Except on our Pizza! Extra toppings are free this week only!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Cain has released the next chapter of this video:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtHvetGnOdM

    (I know, more dignity in his left front toe than Herman…)

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Yelly Breitbart spawn is yelly

  • JackDempsey1

    My avatar is writing his congressman.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Future serial killer right there. Puppies are next.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "It's a good thing little Jenny likes these 'pet funerals' so much."
      -Old Gahan Wilson cartoon.

  • SpiderCrab

    That young lady wasn't spanked enough when it still could have helped.

  • YasserArraFeck

    What else are you going to do, standing above a huge canyon, but yell "I. AM. HERMAN. CAIN!!!" and listen to the echoed "cain….cain…..cain….ain….ain….in….in….n…..n" fade away, leaving only zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Everyone here is totally misinterpreting this ad. See, the goldfish represents the 1%, and the water she pours on it represents more tax cuts.

  • Extemporanus

    Dude, that was fucking EPIC!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Cain wants it all but he can't have it.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I'm kind of hoping that the creator of Hyperbole and a Half sues him for painfully unfunny copyright infringement.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "Cut! Dammit, she's supposed to light a cigarette at the end. What do I hire you people for?"

  • fuflans

    demon sheep would have kicked that little girl's ass.

  • Doktor Zoom

    A Fish Names Whaaaaaa?

  • Limeylizzie
    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Not one word from Obama about Jesus, at this Easter event?! Typical!!

      • Limeylizzie

        You know they will have something to say about this.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Rolling away stones on the White House lawn looking for empty shrouds wouldn't have the same "kid-appeal."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Cain: "I have been to the mountaintop!!!"

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I's rather read a letter of his from the Birmingham jail.

  • YouBetcha

    Flopping goldfish is my favorite pizza topping.

  • Neoyorquino

    Just one question – what the fucking fuck was that? Or, http://youtu.be/TM-G0bkl8MQ

  • hagajim

    Did Herman ask the little girl if she wanted a "job" afterward?

  • mormos

    Incidentally, Dark Lord is what Hermain Cain would make women call him while he sexual harassed them.

  • SenileAgitation

    Well, little psycho girl, yes, my question is what the fuck are you thinking? You dump your fish out then pour water on it to, what, taunt it? That's messed up. And misguided. Nobody cares about the 3 year old stimulus that saved the economy. Except your lecherous master Herman, the dude standing behind you on that mountain talking to nobody? You should stay away from him. And next time Mom and Dad say it's OK to go with him and just say what he tells you to? Run away from home. Hell, you can stay here. The Wonketeers will take care of you until CPS arranges a nice foster family for you.

  • Troglodeity

    I liked Romney's ad better: you know, the one with the Irish Setter strapped on top of a station wagon.

    • Generation[redacted]

      "This is the economy strapped to the roof of an auto bailout moving down the freeway at 70mph"

  • redarmyzombie

    So, who else here is familiar with the Macdonald Triad?

  • Tundra Grifter

    You say "goldfish," I say "sushi."

    This is just a logical extention of the Chinese woman in the yellow shirt commercial. "Yellowtail," I believe it was…

  • lochnessmonster

    PETA is going to be all over this!

  • FlexPerks

    Give an asshole a sweater vest and he thinks he owns the world.

  • MinAgain

    Sick of stimulus? Obviously, this ad was not made by a 16 year old boy.

  • ttommyunger

    Herman who?

  • ClydeMydia

    I've been waiting YEARS for the next Ingmar Bergman flick……………….moor please!

  • Negropolis

    You see what President Obama did to that precious, little white girl and her precious pet goldfish? He stole her innocence; he's corrupting our lil' snowflakes with stimulus, y'all!

    Herman, you are one vile motherfucker with your dog-whistle imagery. All that's missing is a strung-out Playboy bunny.

  • bhobg

    Is it wrong if this ad turns me on?

    Oh, wait, never mind, that's easy – yes, that's very wrong, I need to get that checked out sooner rather than later.

    In other topics, why tf is Herman Cain still making commercials?