GRRR EXERCISE  4:03 pm February 29, 2012

New Dirt Field At Gitmo Is A Lil’ Too Fancy For Fox News’ Taste

by Jim Newell

Fox News is furious about the conditions at Guantanamo Bay, where hundreds of foreigns are held without charges in an extralegal offshore prison forever. Can you, the taxpayer, even believe how good they have it? It turns out that Uncle Sam is spending your hard-earned Ameros to build a “$750,000 soccer field” for these effete terrorists, right down there in their precious gilded fake Cuban palace-prison complex.

As this lovely TPM clip shows, the morning, daytime, and evening Fox News anchors and their glib dimbulb rent-an-analysts from the temp agency have never seen a “country club” with such extravagances as the current Guantanamo Bay.

The “soccer field” appears to be a disgusting dirt field surrounded by high walls and barbed wire, devoid of goals and grass and other such trappings of your typical soccer pitch. But let’s not miss the point! The indefinitely detained, uncharged prisoners of America’s offshore torture prison now have a shitty dirt field on which to stretch their legs every now and then.

[TPM]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 173 comments }

Barb February 29, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Dear Lord, Gitmos is still open, Snooky is pregnant, Davy Jones is dead and Bristol Palin just got another reality show, "Life's a Tripp". (seriously) We are screwed. I hate Leap Day!

Terry February 29, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Poor Davy, he was only in his 60's iirc

I_P February 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

66. Add one more and it's the apocalypse.

memzilla February 29, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Who thought naming Brothel's Bristol's series after her father's hooker was a good idea?

SorosBot February 29, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Snookie is pregnant?! How did I miss this incredibly important bit of non-news that is so completely important and relevant to my life?

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:26 pm

You missed it during your transvaginal examination, I guess.

Loaded_Pants February 29, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Oh god, they're spawning now?!
I wonder what the father is.

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Black and Decker, I hear

Barb February 29, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Once you go Black and Decker you never go back.

not that Dewey February 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Davy Jones — this is how I find out?!?! From Barb, on Wonkette. My entire childhood was centered around this guy. The Universe has really let me down.

Does the fact that he died on Leap Day mean that I have to hoard Jahrzeit candles until 2016? How does that work?

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Leap Day: That quadrennial occasion when we give our employers a free day of work.

chicken_thief February 29, 2012 at 4:28 pm

You don't think it was the shock of no talent baby factory Bristol getting another shot at the teevee stardums that did in Davy, who couldn't get the Monkees back just one mo' time, do you?!

Barb February 29, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Chicken_thief, wasn't it just yesterday that Brisdull was going back home because "Hollywood wasn't for her" Stupid bimbo thinks Maricopa, AZ is Hollywood!

Baconzgood February 29, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Here's another shitty thing about leap day that a client pointed out to me today. If you're salaried (like me)….TODAY YOU ARE WORKING FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

Swampgas_Man February 29, 2012 at 4:56 pm

And the numbnuts CEO of Netflix is trying his damnedest to turn a once-brilliant idea into another overpriced, content-lacking HBO.

GOPCrusher February 29, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I got my free cookie at Subway!

Barb February 29, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Whay flavor cookie, Honey?

BaldarTFlagass February 29, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Who said anything about letting the prisoners have a soccer ball, though? PSYCH!

mrpuma2u February 29, 2012 at 4:34 pm

The ball will be a special "terrorist prufe" ball made by Halliburton and will cost $10,000.00 each, the price fixed in a sealed no-bid contract. GAWD blesh Kapitalizms!!!

Lascauxcaveman February 29, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Seriously, US Military, $750,000? WTF? You couldn't just put a 'dozer blade on a tank and clear off a flat space in one afternoon? If my local school district had 750 grand to spend on a playfield, our local soccer and football teams wouldn't be twisting their ankles on the corrugated swamp full of rocks they're playing on now.

anniegetyerfun February 29, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Oh, it's just like those "Got Milk?" commercials, only it's "Got Balls? You know, to play with?"

Gratuitous World February 29, 2012 at 4:06 pm

They're looking at this the wrong way: The boredom of soccer is just another torture mechanism.

Barb February 29, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Yes, but they will be waterboarded with Gatorade.

GOPCrusher February 29, 2012 at 5:44 pm

NEEDZ MOAR VUVUZUELAS!

Generation[redacted] February 29, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Those vuvuzuelas yielded valuable intelligence!

Negropolis March 1, 2012 at 1:34 am

Watch your dirty, dirty mouth, young man.

tessiee February 29, 2012 at 10:05 pm

But how else could you decide whether Mexico or Portugal is the greatest country on earth?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK-gUXl7usc

memzilla February 29, 2012 at 4:07 pm

The field with $300 worth of dirt on it cost $750,000 because Halliburton built it — speaking of welfare…

bureaucrap February 29, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Faux News should be cheering!!! "Hoorays! Halliburton winning the war on profiteering!!!"

starfanglednut February 29, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Why do you hate the job creators?

Gratuitous World February 29, 2012 at 4:07 pm

next thing you know, they'll get pepper spray with their daily meal. eh, ms. kelly?

LettucePrey February 29, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Gitmo… it's a free trip to the Caribbean, essentially!

ManchuCandidate February 29, 2012 at 4:08 pm

It's the Liebrul Soccer Islamofacist Complex at work, stupid heads smarty pants wieners.*

*unmentioned by Faux are the military industrial complex muthafuckers who charged 3/4 of a mil to make a dirt field.

DerrickWildcat February 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I heard the Al-Qaeda team just bought Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey.

CapnFatback February 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Waterboard it like Beckham.

MissTaken February 29, 2012 at 4:11 pm

disgusting dirt field surrounded by high walls and barbed wire, devoid of goals and grass and other such trappings of your typical soccer pitch

Weird, I thought they would want grass on the field. Grass must be a better conductor than dirt for the transfer from the car battery to the prisoner's balls.

SorosBot February 29, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Well I for one prefer my fields to be cleared of grass, if you know what I mean.

Steverino247 February 29, 2012 at 4:22 pm

No, no, no. If there's grass on the field, you can play ball. If you know what I mean.

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Only if it's wet.

Steverino247 February 29, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I have that in my skill set, thanks.

Barb February 29, 2012 at 4:13 pm

This is the worst day ever! I have spring allergies so bad that my sinuses sound like Mariah Carey, caught in a freaking bear trap. I can't close the window either.

2161911 February 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm

You ought to be here in Santo Domingo. Everytime I step outside, I start humming the theme song from "Lawrence of Arabia"

Barb February 29, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I'm only familiar with the porn version, Lawrence of a Labia.

prommie February 29, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Have you ever seen the scat-fetish porn film, Larry, the Cable Layer?

MissTaken February 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Ugh, allergies are the worst. Feel better!

prommie February 29, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I have always thought that the greatest cable TV pay-per-view event ever would be to put together two of Las Vegas' greatest stars, Mariah Carey, and Montecore, the tiger that ate Roy, in a no-holds-barred cage match. Can you imagine it? Millions, millions would pay to see her eaten by a tiger, I am sure of it.

justkillmenow February 29, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Can we throw in Celine Dion for good measure?

tessiee February 29, 2012 at 9:57 pm

"the tiger that ate Roy"

From then on, prompting Sigfried to check for tiger on Roy's breath when he's supposedly "working late".

JustPixelz February 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Is "close the window" a euphemism for throw water on Sarah Palin™ to watch her melt? Otherwise, I can come over to help. From Connecticut, I just need to make four left turns to your house, right? I'll bring my special Windows repair kit — Mac OS.

I_P February 29, 2012 at 4:13 pm

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!1!

(am I doing this right?)

MissTaken February 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm

No, you spelled the words "this is an outrage" correctly and elitist-like

Deportably_Jose February 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

College and/or high school-educated snobs!

I_P February 29, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Yeah but I did it in all caps like a frothing 65-year-old.

elviouslyqueer February 29, 2012 at 4:22 pm

THIS AN OUTRAGE all pResident OBUMMER'S fault!!1! IMPEACH!!!!!!!

/Fixed

Crank_Tango February 29, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Stupid libs, also.

elburritodeluxe February 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

They get to have legs? Doesn't anyone remember the 9/11?

meatlofer February 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Prison sports are so "Raw"

Schmannnity February 29, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Impeachment please.

RedneckMuslin February 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm

It's futbol!

Chillwillard February 29, 2012 at 4:48 pm

"GOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm

$750,000 for dirt!

Hey, this is America! $750,000 is cheaper than dirt!

Sassomatic February 29, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Well let's just hope, for freedom's sake, that the field is strewn with broken glass and they don't get shoes.

Nostrildamus February 29, 2012 at 4:19 pm

That field's as flat as a Fox Anchorbabe reject.

philpjfry February 29, 2012 at 4:20 pm

When the people at fox news go to hell, they will face an eternity of their own vile crap spewing, race baiting, classwarfare nonsense. At least we can change the channel. But the people at fox news will be fucked. All is right with the world.

memzilla February 29, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I am pleased to report that Dante's Nine Circles of Hell provide a gratifying glimpse of what awaits Fox commentators. Each circle has several ditches within it.

Broadly, they would be consigned to Circle VIII — Malebolge — for The Fraudulent.

In Bolge I, the First Evil Ditch, for Panderers and Seducers: "In life these sinners goaded others on to serve their own foul purposes; so in Hell they are driven in their turn. As such the Panderers and Seducers make two files, one along either bank of the Bolge, and are driven at an endless fast walk by horned demons who hurry them along with great lashes. These demons are black-skinned, at least ten feet tall, very ugly, and mock the sinners as they whip them along. The two files are divided by a wall of rock which has occasional gaps in it. Panderers go in one direction along the Bolge, seducers in the other; those who did both get to swap from one side to the other now and again."

In Bolge VI, for Hypocrites: "In this Bolge are the hypocrites, who are 'weighted down by great leaden robes like cloaks with hoods pulled low covering the eyes, weary and defeated, in pain they must walk eternally round and round a narrow track. The robes are brilliantly gilded on the outside and are shaped like a monk's habit, for the hypocrite's outward appearance shines brightly and passes for holiness, but under that show lies the terrible weight of his deceit which the soul must bear through all eternity.' If the sinner stops walking their cloak becomes hotter and hotter."

In Bolge IX, for Sowers of Discord, Scandal, and Schism: "The floor of this Bolge is bloody mud. In it are held those who sowed discord, scandal and schism in life. 'And just as their sin was to rend asunder what God had meant to be united, so are they hacked and torn through all eternity by a great demon with a bloody sword. After each mutilation the souls are compelled to drag their broken bodies around the pit and to return to the demon, for in the course of the circuit their wounds knit in time to be inflicted anew.'"

And in Bolge X, for The Falsifiers: "The Falsifiers of Words (false witnesses) suffer a continual intense fever, so intense that their body continually smokes, as if cooking. Many of them are rabid. 'Hecuba – mourning, wretched, and a slave – having seen Polyxena sacrificed, and Polydorous dead without a grave; lost and alone, beside an alien sea, began to bark and growl like a dog in the mad seizure of her misery. But never in Thebes nor Troy were Furies seen to strike at man or beast in such mad rage as two I saw, pale, naked, and unclean, who suddenly came running toward us the[m], snapping their teeth as they ran, like hungry swine let out to feed after a night in the pen.'"

See you there, Rush, Sean, Roger, Rupert, et al.!

tessiee February 29, 2012 at 10:10 pm

"driven at an endless fast walk by horned demons who hurry them along with great lashes.
*These demons are black-skinned,*
at least ten feet tall, very ugly, and mock the sinners as they whip them along."

Just having a black boss would make it hell for those assholes.

Barrelhse February 29, 2012 at 5:29 pm

They're all so phony- they KNOW there's no "God" or "afterlife" so they can do whatever the fuck they want and never be accountable, while duping the religious rubes.

SorosBot February 29, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Why I bet the government's even spending money on feeding the indefinitely-detained sort-of-prisons, how horrible!

Redhead February 29, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Nah – that's what all the dirt is for. Breakfast, lunch and dinner!

SorosBot February 29, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Fox would find some way to claim that even dirt was too good for them.

starfanglednut February 29, 2012 at 5:46 pm

It's high in essential minerals.

ShaveTheWhales February 29, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Essentially.

prommie February 29, 2012 at 4:20 pm

If we are going to give them charity, there should be a stigma, dammit. Wait till professor Brion finds out about this!

RedneckMuslin February 29, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Field of Dreams

Chillwillard February 29, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"If you build it, they will bomb."

Generation[redacted] February 29, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Shoeless Johammed? Is it really you?

BaldarTFlagass February 29, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Just don't let Michael Caine or Sly Stallone play on the team and everything should be alright. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escape_to_Victory

imissopus February 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I was thinking another remake of The Longest Yard but that is much better.

DerrickWildcat February 29, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Most horrible movie ever. Word on the street has it that Sly wanted it re-written so he would score the winning goal at the end. However, Sly played Goal Keeper and had to have it explained to him that it would be rather unlikely that a Goal Keeper would score a winning goal and that it went counter to the script.

Generation[redacted] February 29, 2012 at 6:27 pm

A better ending. Sly scores an own-goal and the opposing team carries him away on their shoulders. Everybody cheers.

imissopus February 29, 2012 at 4:21 pm

What's next, intramural cricket? A buzkashi league?

littlebigdaddy February 29, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Bukkake league?–that's the senate minority caucus.

savethispatient February 29, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I played soccer last night. Today, my legs hurt… And to think Obama said he was against torture.

Chillwillard February 29, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Did they also get a Waterboard Boy?

Baconzgood February 29, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Think of all the money they spent at Git-Mo to blare Brittney Spears at 125 decibels 24-7 for 10 years.

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Think of the poor neighbors. Cubans must hate us

Baconzgood February 29, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I know. Say what you will about their politics but they do have the taste in music. Cuban Jazz is real top shelf jazz!

JustPixelz February 29, 2012 at 4:22 pm

As it says in the Declaration of Independence, King George's offenses included

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:
For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:

Chichikovovich February 29, 2012 at 4:46 pm

But that's just the point! George was doing it to them, and they wanted to have it done to other people. And have themselves being the ones doing it.

Generation[redacted] February 29, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Oh sure, everything is all George's fault. Stupid libs.

Steverino247 February 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

it probably cost $700,000 just to do the clearances on the guys operating the grading equipment.

Chillwillard February 29, 2012 at 4:24 pm

At Gitmo, every soccer match ends in sudden death.

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:35 pm

So it's just like Colombia.

Chillwillard February 29, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Minus the blow and the hot girls.

extreme_left March 1, 2012 at 12:03 am

i think the ball is a brick

Jukesgrrl February 29, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Well, really it's a $75,000 soccer field, but it was built by KBR so the price went up.

weej_bain February 29, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Well, really it's a $75.00 soccer field

/ fixed these are people who know how to provide $16 muffins and $600 toilet seats.

Maman February 29, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Plus the import of the equipment and personal from the mainland to build the damn thing

Goonemeritus February 29, 2012 at 4:24 pm

A soccer field is just FEMA’s cover story for the open air detention facility we are building to detain Tea Party types.

Jukesgrrl February 29, 2012 at 4:46 pm

That Kenyan president is so wily.

chicken_thief February 29, 2012 at 4:24 pm

They'll prolly welcome us as heroes for building this.

JustPixelz February 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

President Obama wants every terrorist to play soccer on a dirt field in a Cuban prison. What a snob!

Baconzgood February 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Carefull Faux. A private contractor's (Burns and Roe Services Corp.) building that field and that's why it costs 3/4 mil. If Obama used government workers (gee I wonder where you can find government engineers and labor already on the payroll at an army base?) it would cost about a fifth of that.

EDIT: They've been at our tax $ Teat for a while
http://investing.businessweek.com/research/stocks

sati_demise February 29, 2012 at 5:02 pm

i haz a sick head now baconz, teh sad of infinity

tessiee February 29, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Well, that's $750K that won't get spent on poorz or brownz.

Barrelhse February 29, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Speaking of Gitmo, Bristol has a new reality shoe w/ Lifetime, "Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp."

Jukesgrrl February 29, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I distinctly remember her saying, mere days ago, she had enough of show business. Apparently she has the same relationship with truth her mother does. I suspect Gov. Grifter is her agent.

tessiee February 29, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Pilot Episode: "Look at me! Look at ME!! Look at ME-ME-MEEEEE!!!"

FakaktaSouth February 29, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Sneering is our business.
Gimme a topic, no matter what there's a way we can sneer at it.
Letting prisoners walk around in the dirt? No prob.
College? Nailed it.
Other people's menstrual cycles? Money.
I think they just like sneering.

elviouslyqueer February 29, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Oh please, Megyn. The only reason why you're "slack-jawed" is because you were busy fellating Greg Gutfeld's boyfriend last night in the Eagle backroom.

not that Dewey February 29, 2012 at 4:28 pm

We Exhort, You Abide

Mumbletypeg February 29, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Rick Santorum just wants you to know this whole separation of smirch and reprobate makes him want to puke, btw.

Redhead February 29, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Why is the talking blonde bobblehead on the left wearing a cocktail dress to discuss the "news"?

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Thats not a cocktail dress, Roger Ailes just took longer than normal.

FakaktaSouth February 29, 2012 at 4:37 pm

She's a HeeHaw honey 2.0. It is THE EXACT SAME THING, same demographic. Makes them old dudes wanna watch it. My Grandaddy could have given a rat's ass about Conway Twitty, but he'd watch whoever on Hee Haw to see those gals in the off the shoulder shirts and cutoff shorts. Same thing with fake blondes on fox. I've had some old men at the ballpark around here think they were complimenting me by saying I look like I could work for Fox (Fake Blonde Hair only I swear, I do not walk around sneering out racist nonsense about how angry you should be about my period)

Blueb4sunrise February 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

So, what are you wearing?

FakaktaSouth February 29, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Now that you mention it, I should probably stop wearing cocktail dresses to the ballpark. That might be confusing them too.

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I agree! Take off the dress at the park! That'll learn 'em

Jukesgrrl February 29, 2012 at 4:53 pm

You must not watch often. They all dress like that. Morning Minx is beginning to follow suit.

DemmeFatale February 29, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I was wondering why she was dressed up as a 20's flapper.
Is this some kind of Jesusween thing?

LesBontemps February 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

The worst part is, these twats clearly know better: It ain't a country club until it has an 18-hole golf course and tennis courts.

Blueb4sunrise February 29, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Looks like Tucson High School.

Not_So_Much February 29, 2012 at 4:33 pm

If you told Fox that the field would be used to stage death matches with gambling profits to go to either News Corp or Koch Industries, there wouldn't be any need for outrage.

LesBontemps February 29, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Also, I can never remember which one is Gretchen and which one is Megyn.

MissTaken February 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

There's two of them?

Fukui-sanYesOta February 29, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Gretchen is the one with the dead eyes, like a doll's eyes.

SayItWithWookies February 29, 2012 at 4:33 pm

If the US had really wanted to torture those detainees, they would've built 'em a hockey rink.

Mumbletypeg February 29, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Just wait til Mitt gets word that in addition to cushy athletic settings, the detainees are issued their very own rain poncho's, lest the weather impede play during those Guantanamo spring showers .

anniegetyerfun February 29, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Nice soccer field you put it there. I see you really sprang for the pricey dirt.

starfanglednut February 29, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I don't follow dirt as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who own the entire planet.

tessiee February 29, 2012 at 10:21 pm

"Well, not that fancy store bought dirt." — Moe the Bartender

extreme_left March 1, 2012 at 12:16 am

mitts friends with prison owners

BornInATrailer February 29, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I would like those 3 on the Fox morning crew to die and I say that without any snark. They are just awful people. They either believe what they spew or, worse, they don't but do it for the coin. Die in a fire you terrible fucks.

Barrelhse February 29, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Hear!Hear!

(where, where?)

RadioCualquier February 29, 2012 at 4:34 pm

What a Gutfield.

DerrickWildcat February 29, 2012 at 4:38 pm

WOOOOOHOOOO! USA USA USA USA!
The U.S. National Soccer team has just defeated the Italian National Team 1-0
The first ever U.S win against Italy in 82 years!
USA USA USA.
Man, did Klinsmann ever need this one.

north_of_moscow February 29, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Deuce!

RadioCualquier February 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I never, ever, ever thought I would ever hear, much less see anything worse than a Morning Zoo. What a bunch of Füx.

SoBeach February 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

"We are SLACK-JAWED!"

No shit.

proudgrampa February 29, 2012 at 4:42 pm

In an age of $200 government hammers, $750,000 soccer fields don't seem so outrageous.

BornInATrailer February 29, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Don't go read the comments on the Fox story for this. Just don't.

BigDumbRedDog February 29, 2012 at 4:50 pm

They should just make the terrorists do windsprints all day. Way more effective than waterboarding, so says my old soccer coach.

FakaktaSouth February 29, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I need a blog, I'm just trying to decide between moderatelylessrapey.com or carnivorousvulvajackals.org . . .

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Try transvaginaljackals.us

GOPCrusher February 29, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Per Godaddy.com carnivorousvulvajackals.org is available.

TheGyrus February 29, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Well, if we can't give them due process, at least we can give them soccer.

Jukesgrrl February 29, 2012 at 4:57 pm

You know, if one of them turns out to be really good, some agent will be shopping him to Major League Soccer. Suddenly he will not be a scary terrorist anymore.

Nostrildamus February 29, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Reading Fox comments is like squeezing zits, essentially.

CapnFatback February 29, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Coming to theaters in Summer 2015:

(Cue ominous drums, shots of Guantanamo Bay prison, prisoners, guards)
V.O.: In a world fraught with terror and uncertainty, people are increasingly feeling like prisoners in their own skin. This was never more true than for the denizens of Guantanamo Bay Prison. Trapped between countries with no contact with loved ones, these men might as well not exist.

(Cue The Beatles's "Nowhere Man"; cut to waterboard scene)
Ahmed: "I'm innocent, I tell you! inno-GLUG-GLUG!!"

(cut to Hasid and Mohamed huddled in cell)
Hasid (through tears): "Pray? To what god? It is very easy to lose your faith when nobody–nobody–has faith in you!"

V.O.: For these are the forgotten men.

(cut to prisoner support group)
Mohamed: "Sometimes, I confess to things I've never done, just to see my torturer's tender smile."

(cue Scandal's "The Warrior")
V.O.: In the middle of confusion, a lone voice cries out.

Abdul: "I matter! You matter."
(grabs soccer ball)
Abdul: "And soccer matters!" (other men stare blankly at ball)

(cut to Gerald McRaney as head of prison)
McRaney (to Abdul): "What do you mean, you wanna play soccer? These men can barely walk, let alone kick a damned ball!"

V.O.: These forgotten men have forgotten what it means to be alive.
Abdul: "I think I know someone who could help."

(cut to shot of Danny Devito getting off boat)
V.O.: But perhaps they just need . . . a little coaching.

(cue Rusted Root's "Send Me on My Way")
(cut to shots of team flailing at first, but then finding themselves, then Devito's pep talk)
Devito: "You can beat the team of guards tonight. Abdul believes in you, I believe in you . . . America's tax dollars believe in you."

(cut to shot of ball going in goal, Hasid stretching his arms skyward in the rain)
Hasid: "I'm alive. . . I'M HUMAN!!!"

V.O.: Because even the presumed guilty deserve a real life sentence.

(cut to movie title)
V.O.:
WE ARE GITMO.

tessiee February 29, 2012 at 10:25 pm

The most genius thing in this genius post was casting Danny DeVito as a soccer ball.

Callyson February 29, 2012 at 5:02 pm

"Did you kid have a soccer program cut because of budget cuts?"
My neighbor's kids did, and you FOX assholes supported those cuts because government waste–give the money to the productive classes–government waste–the government should not be doing the job of the parents–government waste…

widestanceromance February 29, 2012 at 5:10 pm

As long as my tax dollars bought plenty of bibles to use instead of balls, I'm cool with this.

anniegetyerfun February 29, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Luxury! Why, in my day, we had to play soccer on a tiny field comprised entirely of rusty nails, in our bare feet, and we LIKED it.

Barrelhse February 29, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Uphill both ways, too.

extreme_left March 1, 2012 at 12:09 am

You had it easy, in my day we had a soccer field that was underwater, with broken beer bottles for grass, the goals were made from asbestos, the ball was a fetus and we LOVED it.

anniegetyerfun March 1, 2012 at 12:25 am

That sounds divine! A fetus would at least be soft and easy to kick! We were forced to use a cement block, wrapped in barbed wire. But we were a proud people, from humble beginnings, so we were happy.

poorgradstudent February 29, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Let's see…we have an institution whose mere existence is an insult and contradiction to any American pretense of democracy and liberty; that embodies single-handedly our continuing "evolution" into a police state; and which remains something that anyone, even conservatives, can legitimately criticize Obama for, and they focus on a PATCH OF DIRT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE COST WHAT WE SPEND ON THE PENTAGON IN ONE HOUR AND WHICH GIVES THE TORTURED, DUE PROCESS-DEPRIVED PRISONERS MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF EXTREMELY BASIC RECREATION?!?!?!?! Why?!?!?!?!? Because muzlins? Because being "conservative" nowadays just means that the Constitution doesn't mean shit unless it's about guns and why the poors don't deserve a modern welfare state like the rest of the Western world?

Oh my God, I've said this before but…I'm done. I don't even know what I mean, but just…I'm fucking done.

HarryButtle February 29, 2012 at 5:33 pm

So…FUCKING! RELEASE! THEM! ALL!

Jeezus, it'd be cheaper to house them here in the states, but NOOOO! We can't do that or they might kill us all in our beds. We could have, you know, NOT had stupid wars and NOT built secret torture prisons, but then, you know, TERRISTS!

I'm really sorry you fucking bed-wetters don't like the cost of YOUR OWN fucking wars, so how's about we just let the Democrats run things for a while so we can have (relatively) cheap, (relatively) successful wars (the Balkans and Libya come to mind) and you guys can just go play soldier in the fucking woods behind your double-wide, m-kay?

barto February 29, 2012 at 5:33 pm

What better way to win hearts and minds than with a nice friendly intramural match of Orangies vs Camous?

(Orangies to remain in leg chains as a handicap…)

fuflans February 29, 2012 at 5:53 pm

i hate those wenches.

Swampay February 29, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I'm guessing that the $750k went to guard towers and fencing. You know, the important parts of a football pitch

rocktonsam February 29, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Does O'Really make Ms. Kelly dress up like a slutty clown or does she actually dress like that when serving coffee to the boys at Fox Newz ?

owhatever February 29, 2012 at 7:48 pm

You broke it, you own it.

Come here a minute February 29, 2012 at 8:51 pm

The kicker is that the prisoners are permitted to choose which of their fellow inmates' heads is to be used as the game ball.

Data Exactly February 29, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Guantanimo Bay clears out a shitty "soccer field" for inmates. Woww!!! I've seen EVERYTHING now!!!1!!1!!!

valgal2342 February 29, 2012 at 10:27 pm

These Fox News gals dress more slutty by the day. Pretty soon they'll be babbling away in the nude.

ttommyunger February 29, 2012 at 10:35 pm

I found this easy to fap to, but I feel strangely unclean….

PrimlyStable March 1, 2012 at 12:07 am

If it were a baseball diamond or even a Nascar track, Fox would be cool with it. But soccer? That's for Europeans and liberals and so forth. Cue outrage.

MinAgain March 1, 2012 at 12:10 am

Every single person on that panel should spend the rest of their hateful, smug lives in the "country club" that is Gitmo. I'd totally watch that show.

Negropolis March 1, 2012 at 1:11 am

A soccer field? It's an execution ground, essentially.

MissTaken February 29, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Unless you're Rihanna.

actor212 February 29, 2012 at 4:47 pm

That was Brown and Deck Her

SorosBot February 29, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Ouch (to quote her).

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: