grrr exercise

New Dirt Field At Gitmo Is A Lil’ Too Fancy For Fox News’ Taste

Fox News is furious about the conditions at Guantanamo Bay, where hundreds of foreigns are held without charges in an extralegal offshore prison forever. Can you, the taxpayer, even believe how good they have it? It turns out that Uncle Sam is spending your hard-earned Ameros to build a “$750,000 soccer field” for these effete terrorists, right down there in their precious gilded fake Cuban palace-prison complex.

As this lovely TPM clip shows, the morning, daytime, and evening Fox News anchors and their glib dimbulb rent-an-analysts from the temp agency have never seen a “country club” with such extravagances as the current Guantanamo Bay.

The “soccer field” appears to be a disgusting dirt field surrounded by high walls and barbed wire, devoid of goals and grass and other such trappings of your typical soccer pitch. But let’s not miss the point! The indefinitely detained, uncharged prisoners of America’s offshore torture prison now have a shitty dirt field on which to stretch their legs every now and then.

[TPM]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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173 comments

  1. Barb

    Dear Lord, Gitmos is still open, Snooky is pregnant, Davy Jones is dead and Bristol Palin just got another reality show, "Life's a Tripp". (seriously) We are screwed. I hate Leap Day!

    1. SorosBot

      Snookie is pregnant?! How did I miss this incredibly important bit of non-news that is so completely important and relevant to my life?

    2. not that Dewey

      Davy Jones — this is how I find out?!?! From Barb, on Wonkette. My entire childhood was centered around this guy. The Universe has really let me down.

      Does the fact that he died on Leap Day mean that I have to hoard Jahrzeit candles until 2016? How does that work?

    3. chicken_thief

      You don't think it was the shock of no talent baby factory Bristol getting another shot at the teevee stardums that did in Davy, who couldn't get the Monkees back just one mo' time, do you?!

      1. Barb

        Chicken_thief, wasn't it just yesterday that Brisdull was going back home because "Hollywood wasn't for her" Stupid bimbo thinks Maricopa, AZ is Hollywood!

    4. Baconzgood

      Here's another shitty thing about leap day that a client pointed out to me today. If you're salaried (like me)….TODAY YOU ARE WORKING FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

    5. Swampgas_Man

      And the numbnuts CEO of Netflix is trying his damnedest to turn a once-brilliant idea into another overpriced, content-lacking HBO.

    1. mrpuma2u

      The ball will be a special "terrorist prufe" ball made by Halliburton and will cost $10,000.00 each, the price fixed in a sealed no-bid contract. GAWD blesh Kapitalizms!!!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Seriously, US Military, $750,000? WTF? You couldn't just put a 'dozer blade on a tank and clear off a flat space in one afternoon? If my local school district had 750 grand to spend on a playfield, our local soccer and football teams wouldn't be twisting their ankles on the corrugated swamp full of rocks they're playing on now.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Oh, it's just like those "Got Milk?" commercials, only it's "Got Balls? You know, to play with?"

  2. memzilla

    The field with $300 worth of dirt on it cost $750,000 because Halliburton built it — speaking of welfare…

  3. ManchuCandidate

    It's the Liebrul Soccer Islamofacist Complex at work, stupid heads smarty pants wieners.*

    *unmentioned by Faux are the military industrial complex muthafuckers who charged 3/4 of a mil to make a dirt field.

  4. MissTaken

    disgusting dirt field surrounded by high walls and barbed wire, devoid of goals and grass and other such trappings of your typical soccer pitch

    Weird, I thought they would want grass on the field. Grass must be a better conductor than dirt for the transfer from the car battery to the prisoner's balls.

  5. Barb

    This is the worst day ever! I have spring allergies so bad that my sinuses sound like Mariah Carey, caught in a freaking bear trap. I can't close the window either.

    1. 2161911

      You ought to be here in Santo Domingo. Everytime I step outside, I start humming the theme song from "Lawrence of Arabia"

    2. prommie

      I have always thought that the greatest cable TV pay-per-view event ever would be to put together two of Las Vegas' greatest stars, Mariah Carey, and Montecore, the tiger that ate Roy, in a no-holds-barred cage match. Can you imagine it? Millions, millions would pay to see her eaten by a tiger, I am sure of it.

      1. tessiee

        "the tiger that ate Roy"

        From then on, prompting Sigfried to check for tiger on Roy's breath when he's supposedly "working late".

    3. JustPixelz

      Is "close the window" a euphemism for throw water on Sarah Palin™ to watch her melt? Otherwise, I can come over to help. From Connecticut, I just need to make four left turns to your house, right? I'll bring my special Windows repair kit — Mac OS.

  6. Sassomatic

    Well let's just hope, for freedom's sake, that the field is strewn with broken glass and they don't get shoes.

  7. philpjfry

    When the people at fox news go to hell, they will face an eternity of their own vile crap spewing, race baiting, classwarfare nonsense. At least we can change the channel. But the people at fox news will be fucked. All is right with the world.

    1. memzilla

      I am pleased to report that Dante's Nine Circles of Hell provide a gratifying glimpse of what awaits Fox commentators. Each circle has several ditches within it.

      Broadly, they would be consigned to Circle VIII — Malebolge — for The Fraudulent.

      In Bolge I, the First Evil Ditch, for Panderers and Seducers: "In life these sinners goaded others on to serve their own foul purposes; so in Hell they are driven in their turn. As such the Panderers and Seducers make two files, one along either bank of the Bolge, and are driven at an endless fast walk by horned demons who hurry them along with great lashes. These demons are black-skinned, at least ten feet tall, very ugly, and mock the sinners as they whip them along. The two files are divided by a wall of rock which has occasional gaps in it. Panderers go in one direction along the Bolge, seducers in the other; those who did both get to swap from one side to the other now and again."

      In Bolge VI, for Hypocrites: "In this Bolge are the hypocrites, who are 'weighted down by great leaden robes like cloaks with hoods pulled low covering the eyes, weary and defeated, in pain they must walk eternally round and round a narrow track. The robes are brilliantly gilded on the outside and are shaped like a monk's habit, for the hypocrite's outward appearance shines brightly and passes for holiness, but under that show lies the terrible weight of his deceit which the soul must bear through all eternity.' If the sinner stops walking their cloak becomes hotter and hotter."

      In Bolge IX, for Sowers of Discord, Scandal, and Schism: "The floor of this Bolge is bloody mud. In it are held those who sowed discord, scandal and schism in life. 'And just as their sin was to rend asunder what God had meant to be united, so are they hacked and torn through all eternity by a great demon with a bloody sword. After each mutilation the souls are compelled to drag their broken bodies around the pit and to return to the demon, for in the course of the circuit their wounds knit in time to be inflicted anew.'"

      And in Bolge X, for The Falsifiers: "The Falsifiers of Words (false witnesses) suffer a continual intense fever, so intense that their body continually smokes, as if cooking. Many of them are rabid. 'Hecuba – mourning, wretched, and a slave – having seen Polyxena sacrificed, and Polydorous dead without a grave; lost and alone, beside an alien sea, began to bark and growl like a dog in the mad seizure of her misery. But never in Thebes nor Troy were Furies seen to strike at man or beast in such mad rage as two I saw, pale, naked, and unclean, who suddenly came running toward us the[m], snapping their teeth as they ran, like hungry swine let out to feed after a night in the pen.'"

      See you there, Rush, Sean, Roger, Rupert, et al.!

      1. tessiee

        "driven at an endless fast walk by horned demons who hurry them along with great lashes.
        *These demons are black-skinned,*
        at least ten feet tall, very ugly, and mock the sinners as they whip them along."

        Just having a black boss would make it hell for those assholes.

    2. Barrelhse

      They're all so phony- they KNOW there's no "God" or "afterlife" so they can do whatever the fuck they want and never be accountable, while duping the religious rubes.

  8. SorosBot

    Why I bet the government's even spending money on feeding the indefinitely-detained sort-of-prisons, how horrible!

  9. prommie

    If we are going to give them charity, there should be a stigma, dammit. Wait till professor Brion finds out about this!

      1. DerrickWildcat

        Most horrible movie ever. Word on the street has it that Sly wanted it re-written so he would score the winning goal at the end. However, Sly played Goal Keeper and had to have it explained to him that it would be rather unlikely that a Goal Keeper would score a winning goal and that it went counter to the script.

        1. Generation[redacted]

          A better ending. Sly scores an own-goal and the opposing team carries him away on their shoulders. Everybody cheers.

  10. savethispatient

    I played soccer last night. Today, my legs hurt… And to think Obama said he was against torture.

  11. Baconzgood

    Think of all the money they spent at Git-Mo to blare Brittney Spears at 125 decibels 24-7 for 10 years.

      1. Baconzgood

        I know. Say what you will about their politics but they do have the taste in music. Cuban Jazz is real top shelf jazz!

  12. JustPixelz

    As it says in the Declaration of Independence, King George's offenses included

    For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:
    For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:

    1. Chichikovovich

      But that's just the point! George was doing it to them, and they wanted to have it done to other people. And have themselves being the ones doing it.

  13. Goonemeritus

    A soccer field is just FEMA’s cover story for the open air detention facility we are building to detain Tea Party types.

  14. Baconzgood

    Carefull Faux. A private contractor's (Burns and Roe Services Corp.) building that field and that's why it costs 3/4 mil. If Obama used government workers (gee I wonder where you can find government engineers and labor already on the payroll at an army base?) it would cost about a fifth of that.

    EDIT: They've been at our tax $ Teat for a while
    http://investing.businessweek.com/research/stocks

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I distinctly remember her saying, mere days ago, she had enough of show business. Apparently she has the same relationship with truth her mother does. I suspect Gov. Grifter is her agent.

  15. FakaktaSouth

    Sneering is our business.
    Gimme a topic, no matter what there's a way we can sneer at it.
    Letting prisoners walk around in the dirt? No prob.
    College? Nailed it.
    Other people's menstrual cycles? Money.
    I think they just like sneering.

  16. elviouslyqueer

    Oh please, Megyn. The only reason why you're "slack-jawed" is because you were busy fellating Greg Gutfeld's boyfriend last night in the Eagle backroom.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      She's a HeeHaw honey 2.0. It is THE EXACT SAME THING, same demographic. Makes them old dudes wanna watch it. My Grandaddy could have given a rat's ass about Conway Twitty, but he'd watch whoever on Hee Haw to see those gals in the off the shoulder shirts and cutoff shorts. Same thing with fake blondes on fox. I've had some old men at the ballpark around here think they were complimenting me by saying I look like I could work for Fox (Fake Blonde Hair only I swear, I do not walk around sneering out racist nonsense about how angry you should be about my period)

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Now that you mention it, I should probably stop wearing cocktail dresses to the ballpark. That might be confusing them too.

  17. LesBontemps

    The worst part is, these twats clearly know better: It ain't a country club until it has an 18-hole golf course and tennis courts.

  18. Not_So_Much

    If you told Fox that the field would be used to stage death matches with gambling profits to go to either News Corp or Koch Industries, there wouldn't be any need for outrage.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    If the US had really wanted to torture those detainees, they would've built 'em a hockey rink.

  20. Mumbletypeg

    Just wait til Mitt gets word that in addition to cushy athletic settings, the detainees are issued their very own rain poncho's, lest the weather impede play during those Guantanamo spring showers .

  21. BornInATrailer

    I would like those 3 on the Fox morning crew to die and I say that without any snark. They are just awful people. They either believe what they spew or, worse, they don't but do it for the coin. Die in a fire you terrible fucks.

  22. DerrickWildcat

    WOOOOOHOOOO! USA USA USA USA!
    The U.S. National Soccer team has just defeated the Italian National Team 1-0
    The first ever U.S win against Italy in 82 years!
    USA USA USA.
    Man, did Klinsmann ever need this one.

  23. RadioCualquier

    I never, ever, ever thought I would ever hear, much less see anything worse than a Morning Zoo. What a bunch of Füx.

  24. BigDumbRedDog

    They should just make the terrorists do windsprints all day. Way more effective than waterboarding, so says my old soccer coach.

  25. FakaktaSouth

    I need a blog, I'm just trying to decide between moderatelylessrapey.com or carnivorousvulvajackals.org . . .

  26. Jukesgrrl

    You know, if one of them turns out to be really good, some agent will be shopping him to Major League Soccer. Suddenly he will not be a scary terrorist anymore.

  27. CapnFatback

    Coming to theaters in Summer 2015:

    (Cue ominous drums, shots of Guantanamo Bay prison, prisoners, guards)
    V.O.: In a world fraught with terror and uncertainty, people are increasingly feeling like prisoners in their own skin. This was never more true than for the denizens of Guantanamo Bay Prison. Trapped between countries with no contact with loved ones, these men might as well not exist.

    (Cue The Beatles's "Nowhere Man"; cut to waterboard scene)
    Ahmed: "I'm innocent, I tell you! inno-GLUG-GLUG!!"

    (cut to Hasid and Mohamed huddled in cell)
    Hasid (through tears): "Pray? To what god? It is very easy to lose your faith when nobody–nobody–has faith in you!"

    V.O.: For these are the forgotten men.

    (cut to prisoner support group)
    Mohamed: "Sometimes, I confess to things I've never done, just to see my torturer's tender smile."

    (cue Scandal's "The Warrior")
    V.O.: In the middle of confusion, a lone voice cries out.

    Abdul: "I matter! You matter."
    (grabs soccer ball)
    Abdul: "And soccer matters!" (other men stare blankly at ball)

    (cut to Gerald McRaney as head of prison)
    McRaney (to Abdul): "What do you mean, you wanna play soccer? These men can barely walk, let alone kick a damned ball!"

    V.O.: These forgotten men have forgotten what it means to be alive.
    Abdul: "I think I know someone who could help."

    (cut to shot of Danny Devito getting off boat)
    V.O.: But perhaps they just need . . . a little coaching.

    (cue Rusted Root's "Send Me on My Way")
    (cut to shots of team flailing at first, but then finding themselves, then Devito's pep talk)
    Devito: "You can beat the team of guards tonight. Abdul believes in you, I believe in you . . . America's tax dollars believe in you."

    (cut to shot of ball going in goal, Hasid stretching his arms skyward in the rain)
    Hasid: "I'm alive. . . I'M HUMAN!!!"

    V.O.: Because even the presumed guilty deserve a real life sentence.

    (cut to movie title)
    V.O.:
    WE ARE GITMO.

  28. Callyson

    "Did you kid have a soccer program cut because of budget cuts?"
    My neighbor's kids did, and you FOX assholes supported those cuts because government waste–give the money to the productive classes–government waste–the government should not be doing the job of the parents–government waste…

  29. widestanceromance

    As long as my tax dollars bought plenty of bibles to use instead of balls, I'm cool with this.

  30. anniegetyerfun

    Luxury! Why, in my day, we had to play soccer on a tiny field comprised entirely of rusty nails, in our bare feet, and we LIKED it.

    1. extreme_left

      You had it easy, in my day we had a soccer field that was underwater, with broken beer bottles for grass, the goals were made from asbestos, the ball was a fetus and we LOVED it.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        That sounds divine! A fetus would at least be soft and easy to kick! We were forced to use a cement block, wrapped in barbed wire. But we were a proud people, from humble beginnings, so we were happy.

  31. poorgradstudent

    Let's see…we have an institution whose mere existence is an insult and contradiction to any American pretense of democracy and liberty; that embodies single-handedly our continuing "evolution" into a police state; and which remains something that anyone, even conservatives, can legitimately criticize Obama for, and they focus on a PATCH OF DIRT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE COST WHAT WE SPEND ON THE PENTAGON IN ONE HOUR AND WHICH GIVES THE TORTURED, DUE PROCESS-DEPRIVED PRISONERS MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF EXTREMELY BASIC RECREATION?!?!?!?! Why?!?!?!?!? Because muzlins? Because being "conservative" nowadays just means that the Constitution doesn't mean shit unless it's about guns and why the poors don't deserve a modern welfare state like the rest of the Western world?

    Oh my God, I've said this before but…I'm done. I don't even know what I mean, but just…I'm fucking done.

  32. HarryButtle

    So…FUCKING! RELEASE! THEM! ALL!

    Jeezus, it'd be cheaper to house them here in the states, but NOOOO! We can't do that or they might kill us all in our beds. We could have, you know, NOT had stupid wars and NOT built secret torture prisons, but then, you know, TERRISTS!

    I'm really sorry you fucking bed-wetters don't like the cost of YOUR OWN fucking wars, so how's about we just let the Democrats run things for a while so we can have (relatively) cheap, (relatively) successful wars (the Balkans and Libya come to mind) and you guys can just go play soldier in the fucking woods behind your double-wide, m-kay?

  33. barto

    What better way to win hearts and minds than with a nice friendly intramural match of Orangies vs Camous?

    (Orangies to remain in leg chains as a handicap…)

  34. Swampay

    I'm guessing that the $750k went to guard towers and fencing. You know, the important parts of a football pitch

  35. rocktonsam

    Does O'Really make Ms. Kelly dress up like a slutty clown or does she actually dress like that when serving coffee to the boys at Fox Newz ?

  36. Come here a minute

    The kicker is that the prisoners are permitted to choose which of their fellow inmates' heads is to be used as the game ball.

  37. Data Exactly

    Guantanimo Bay clears out a shitty "soccer field" for inmates. Woww!!! I've seen EVERYTHING now!!!1!!1!!!

  38. PrimlyStable

    If it were a baseball diamond or even a Nascar track, Fox would be cool with it. But soccer? That's for Europeans and liberals and so forth. Cue outrage.

  39. MinAgain

    Every single person on that panel should spend the rest of their hateful, smug lives in the "country club" that is Gitmo. I'd totally watch that show.

Comments are closed.