Uh oh, some blowhard who’s written a book called The Politically Incorrect Guide to the Founding Fathers recently saw a lady using food stamps at the Wal-Mart — just like Ronald Reagan warned us they would! She was buying necessaries with her big government EBT card, and then using her own cash to buy beer and cigarettes. Was this fellow encountering the actual Satan, in the flesh? Fortunately he lived to tell about it, in an opinion column in the Daily Caller. What further steps should the government take to ensure poor people are humiliated as much as possible — if there’s anything? He’s got some ideas, oh he’s got ’em.

He bases his food stamp reform on the television show Lost, just in case you were worried about the seriousness of these proposals. The basic idea is to force food stamp recipients to spend their welfare cash at second-tier government stores with poor-quality food, designed to humiliate the lowly consumer as much as possible and scare away the strapping young bucks determined to purchase T-bone steaks:

Dharma-style food stamp reform would have four basic components. First, the federal government would create a government “brand” of essential food items such as milk, cheese, meat, cereal, vegetables, bread, peanut butter, beans, juice, soup, baby formula, diapers, etc., and would package the items with simple black-and-white labels and basic descriptions. The word “Government” would be stamped across the top in bold letters so everyone would know it was a welfare item. These items could be manufactured by major companies through government contracts, thus not creating a net loss to private industry. Because competition is not an issue, taste and quality, with the exception of the baby formula and baby food, would not be a top priority. Snacks, soda, cigarettes and beer would not be available through the program.

Second, the government would lease existing store fronts and set up “government stores.” There are typically several grocery store locations that have gone out of business in any given area; these would make ideal settings for the new government stores. The number of store locations would be chosen based on the size of the area and its number of food stamp recipients. The stores would be placed on public transportation routes for convenience.

Third, and most importantly, all food stamp recipients would be required to spend their government dollars at these stores.

And so on. A tobacco and drug test would, of course, be administered too. And why not throw this in for good measure: “People on government aid would also lose the privilege of voting.” Did you see that, too? “The privilege of voting.”

Wrap it all up, friend!

There should be humiliation and pain in government assistance. Every time someone accepts food stamps, they are spitting on the principles of independence, and they, not the taxpayers who fund the program, should be reminded of that fact.

What exciting adventure will this choad have at the Wal-Mart next time? Maybe a poor person will ask for a quarter! Let’s hope it ends in a citizen’s arrest and Gitmo murder.

[Daily Caller]

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  • Barb

    Wait until he finds out about Mexican fortune cookies- a taco with a food stamp in it.

    • I've got the perfect solution for our "food stamp" problem.


      No, not for the back of the food stamps. For the wingnuts.

  • Make the poors wear garbage bag ponchos…even when it's sunny!

    • What, and shell out the big bucks????

    • Negropolis

      Ponchos?! Those are for Mexicans. If we even decide that the poor shouldn't be wet during a storm we will give them Freedom Slickers.

  • FNMA

    Government stores?

    • I thought the same as reading this:

      "um…how is this not socialism?"

    • Callyson

      This guy will probably find a way to shovel government funds to some "private" sector grocery store conglomerate to "manage" these stores. Corporate welfare and crony capitalism at its finest!

      • emmelemm

        Yes, he points out it will still benefit private industry through "government contracts". AKA socialism for corporations.

      • tessiee

        For example, a labor-unfriendly chain of sweatshop goods that rhymes with "wal-fart", that our taxes could subsidize? They could issue "walfart bucks", too, which would in no way devalue the dollar.

    • mrpuma2u

      Government cheese indeed. Holy craps, what a big government RINO loser this chump is!

      Of course the government stores would be stocked with Koch bros and Monsanto products, who would be overpaid in the no bid sealed contracts they secured.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I voted in the GOP primary here in Michigan yesterday, and let me assure you, once one scanned the list of candidates, it did not feel like a "privilege."

    • GOPCrusher

      Did you vote for Santorum, for the lulz?

      • Enquiring minds want to know.

        • PuckStopsHere

          Yes, voted for Santorum. For shits and giggles and because who doesn't want this guy to win the nominatio?. Still felt like I needed a shower afterwards.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think food-stamp users should be made to wear a yellow star, or maybe get some kind of tattoo so we can identify them and humiliate them in public.

    • FNMA

      Too subtle.

    • Schmannnity

      Maybe the tattoo could be a number, just for record-keeping purposes.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Bar code — let's move with technology.

    • littlebigdaddy

      It would be for their own protection.

    • Baconzgood

      Work will set them free of food stamps.

    • Also, make them wear the same clothing…I hear stripes can be flattering!

      • GOPCrusher

        Orange jump suits.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Damn it! I made the same remark later, less eloquently! Damn!

  • MissTaken

    YES, the return of Government Cheese!

    • Sassomatic

      Seriously, ever since the cheese got privatized and made by Land O Lakes, it has not been the same at all. : (

      • MissTaken

        My mom tried to make my favorite snack that my grandma used to make me when I was little, Sausage Balls. Mom knew to use Jimmy Dean Sausage, but the cheese wasn't quite right. I told her it's because grandma always used government cheese. Mmm, those little sausage balls held together with globs of government cheese were the shit!

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Damn, that looks tasty. My Catholic wife and daughters gave up meat for lent, so I went along with it. It's only been a week, but I'm already Jonesing for some fatty fat pig fat food. I'm going to use the spicy kind of pork sausage and throw in in some garlic and chopped serranos for extra zip.

          Fortunately, I have an oven at work so I can do this on the sly.

          • MissTaken

            Seriously, they are freaking awesome. Enjoy!

          • tessiee

            A wiser man than I once said, "No matter how hungry you are, do NOT cut up spam into little pieces and mix it into your macaroni and cheese".
            This advice has stood me in good stead over the years.

        • Advn2rgirl

          When we first got engaged, my mother-in-law gave me a family cookbook that includes this recipe. It is my husband's favorite food EVAH! We make them for Christmas and for his birthday. Too easy and yummy.

      • Negropolis

        Yeah, no shit. The old stuff was the bomb.

    • SorosBot

      Mmm, I'd love some government cheese. It would be a nice break from unemployment Ramen diet.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Needs Mo' "Government Cheese!"

      • DCBloom

        Thank you for the linky. Love me some Keb Mo!

    • Baconzgood

      I have to agree Government Cheese was the BOMB. My shut in neighbor used to get it but wasn't allowed to eat cheese. She'd give it to us and it made the best grilled cheese sandwiches.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Me & my folks got the GC during the lean times. I was such a brat in thinking it wasn't that good (I should have been grateful for it). Then I tasted the shit made by Kraft and Velveeta. GC beats that garbage anytime.

      • ChuckieJesus

        I must admit my little withered black heart is perking up at all these fond memories of the gubbmint cheese…

        Who knew so many Wokett skum were poors as kids?

        • heathenette

          “Were poors”? I still AM poor! But that’s probably why we ARE Wonkette skum.

  • Schmannnity

    Obviously we need a law requiring transvaginal ultrasounds before the use of food stamps.

    • Omophagist

      Nonsense. We need transcolon ultrasounds before the use of food stamps to ensure they haven't been eating t-bones, escargot, caviar, and 10-year aged brie with their food stamps. We know what snobs these government moochers are after all.

      • Generation[redacted]

        I think we can combine the best ideas of this brainstorm. Tattoo bar codes inside their colons, and have the cashier use the hand-held scanner. Genius!

        • GOPCrusher

          Drop your trousers and spread em!

  • Sassomatic

    Also, kids who get free lunch at school should be made to wear orange jump suits to school, and mop the floors between classes.

  • larryfinexx

    Food stamps should only be allowed to purchase lima beans and turnips.

    • proudgrampa

      Hate to say it, but we would probably all be healthier for that lifestyle.

    • No hobo beans?

    • chicken_thief

      Until, that is, corporate lobbyists prime the pump with enough cash, coke or rentboys to pass legislation allowing their products on the shelves of said soshulist food banks.

  • Wilcoxyz

    I have a similar plan for the executives of companies that accept tax breaks, incentives and no-bid government contracts. Only with more shame, humiliation and medically unnecessary rapey exams to make sure they are not syphilitic parasites causing harm to decent, honest citizens.

    • nonbeliever7

      Good start…and anyone who claims a mortgage deduction has to allow a random government employee to live in their basement.

  • memzilla

    I'll bet this troglodyte calls himself a Christian, too.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Probably one of those toads who say the Gͮͣ͒̆͏̛̝̩͢o̡̞̜͔̙͕̱͚͒̆ͭ͌ͦ̚̕v̺͓̩͓͓̞̟̌͂ę̤̰̟͖͍ͥ̈̊͒ͮ͡r̦̺̱̻̳̻̗͎ͪ̏́͜͞n̵̺̣͉ͦͩ̄̍ͧ̅̊ͥͬ̀m̢͇̲͎̥͚̲̉̆è̴̟̹̖̖̜̣̙̺͛̕͡n̷̢̗̱̘̗͕͙͍̑͂̋̋̔̄̂͛ͅͅt̞̺́̏̾ͣ̈̌̉̚͢͟͠ has to get out of our personal lives.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Um, how did you get the word "Government" to bleed like that?

      • tessiee

        What the hell was that???

      • heathenette

        Probably own a fucking “skooter” too.

    • Prov. 22:9 Happy is the generous man, the one who feeds the poor.

      Isa. 58:10 "Feed the hungry! Help those in trouble! Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you shall be as bright as day.

      James 2:14 Dear brothers, what's the use of saying that you have faith and are Christians if you aren't proving it by helping others? Will that kind of faith save anyone?

      • Nothingisamiss

        Many thumbs up.

    • GOPCrusher

      Jesus was a liberal socialist.

      • Negropolis

        One might even say that he was radical.

  • It's equivalency time! Everyone using the carried-interest exemption has to wear a big green dollar sign on all clothing.

    We'll save the rounding-up-and-confining part for later.

  • prommie

    There should be humiliation and pain in being a sadistic prick.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Personally, I have no problem with this as long as the shelves are stocked with nutritious food in a good variety, and for reasonable prices. At the same time, it sure would make sense to force corporations getting government subsidies to buy American and employ only Americans, no?

    • chicken_thief

      Corporations are people, too, my friend. But they are rich white people. So don't be silly.

  • MissTaken

    Those guys on Lost seemed to really enjoy the Dharma Beer. I sure hope we can get some of that, too.

    • Negropolis

      I miss that show something wicked. There will never be another show like it; it's not something that can be recreated or done again, and I say this as someone both pleased and maddened by how the creators ended it.


  • JudasPeckerwood

    "There should be humiliation and pain in government assistance."

    Ooooh! S&M-themed superstores for the poorz. Me like!

    • CommieLibunatic

      I… I think I had a dream like that once…

    • Clearly this jackwagon has never actually had to *apply* for any subsidies for food, or unemployment or what have you…

      • Geminisunmars

        Methinks he is using his bootstraps to hoist himself onto his own petard.

    • GOPCrusher

      A dominatrix to assist you by cracking you on the ass with her riding crop every time you reach for something you shouldn't have, could be a real money maker.

  • Isn't one daily post about a GOP Nazi enough?

    • Schmannnity


    • Tundra Grifter


      All of them, Katie.

  • savethispatient

    Perhaps they can also create some Government brand healthcare, with doctors employed by the Federal government, in hospitals built by the Federal government? I'd accept that 'shame'.

  • SorosBot

    Calling voting a "privilege" tells us all how this guy is an authoritarian aristocrat who hates democracy and America, the sick fuck.

    • CommieLibunatic

      "All men are created equal… except for THOSE underprivileged horsefuckers."

      • Beowoof

        Many fine Christian Gentlemen fuck horses in Georgia. Why just check out this old wonkette story from the archives.

        Ah the appropriately named Neal Horsley.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Thank you for this link. In 2005, I had no idea that the wonderful wonkette existed.
          My favorite bit:
          COLMES: “Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?”

          HORSLEY: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality…Welcome to domestic life on the farm…If it’s warm and it’s damp and it vibrates, you might in fact have sex with it.”

          I grew up on a Virginia farm & my first boyfriend wasn't a horse, sheep, or even a rooster. So I don't know what the fuck was going on on farms in Georgia. Guess we were just as far removed from reality as liberal city-livin' folk.

    • Critical Thinking is a privilege too, and this asshole doesn't have it

    • Swampgas_Man

      He LOVES America– he just wants to keep it for the "special" people.

  • Slim_Pickins

    A wingtard proposing more government? Oh wait, it is meant to govern those people so its allowed.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Don't you mean "govern those people?"

  • sharethegrief

    A trip to a government store would have less humiliation and pain than shopping at Wal-Mart.

    • GOPCrusher

      If you go to the store with back tits, I don't think you understand the meaning of the word "humiliation".

    • Isyaignert

      True 'dat – check out:

  • littlebigdaddy

    Way to pander to the base here…wait a second…aren't those obese people buying crap at Wal-Mart usually Republicans, at least judging by the idiotic stickers on their pickup trucks? I haz a confused.

    • It's perfectly possible that the cigarette-buying offender who outraged the author votes exactly the same way he does. That voting-against-your-own-economic-interest thing seems to be quite the rage among the poorz. Until the author proves that all food stamp recipients are liberals, I'll just assume he's a tea-bagging whiner.

      • SorosBot

        But see, in wingnut land there's no such thing as white people on food stamps.

        • GOPCrusher

          Those are described as victims. Because the Mesicans took their jerbs.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They should also be made to line up for hours to get their foodstuffs. Outdoors. In the rain. Like back in the commie days, in Russia. You think they give a damn about their bills in Russia!?!?!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      This was my thought as well. I never visited the Soviet Union, but the "Babushkas standing in line to get their pittance of dreck while the Party members cruise the hard-money store" was a pervasive Cold War meme. Theoretically, that was what we were against.

  • MissTaken

    taste and quality, with the exception of the baby formula and baby food, would not be a top priority.

    Fuck the babies. All that yummy formula will just encourage those poor babies to have poor babies of their own.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Shouldn't that be zygote formula from Placentas-R-Us?

    • No no! You need to fatten the babbies up so they can be served at lavish dinners for the one percent!

    • SorosBot

      Just like free birth control, free baby formula will just encourage those poor people to have the sex, and we can't have that! A poor woman's existence should be pleasure free.

      • tessiee

        Although it's probably better than having those whores breast-feed their bastards.

  • SayItWithWookies

    There should be humiliation and pain in government assistance. Every time someone accepts food stamps, they are spitting on the principles of independence, and they, not the taxpayers who fund the program, should be reminded of that fact.

    Excellent — I'm all for it. Get in line, Exxon executives!

    • SorosBot

      And if people one government assistance shouldn't be allowed to vote, corporations on government assistance shouldn't be allowed to lobby!

    • chicken_thief

      I think the Walton family might wanna have a chat with this dumb fuck.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        No shit. John-Boy would have never got off Walton's Mountain if it hadn't been for some of FDR's public assistance programs back during the Depression.

  • edgydrifter

    Behold, another Small Government idea from the Tea Party.

  • Baconzgood

    These items could be manufactured by major companies through government contracts, thus costing taxpayers more….the government would lease existing store fronts and set up “government stores", thus costing taxpayers more…The stores would be placed on public transportation routes for convenience, but only after we cut public transportation routes….There should be humiliation and pain in government assistance, the negros and messicans should walk on their knees on broken glass in order to get it only after they kiss my ass. In conclusion I'm a big fat douche bag who cares nothing about helping people in this country and Baconz should come to my house at 3 am, stinking drunk, and box my ears in front of my wife, kids, and cat.


    • prommie

      Box his ears WITH his wife, children, and fucking cat.

      • Baconzgood


      • tessiee

        His wife, children, and cat have undoubtedly suffered enough. Let them have a turn at boxing the guy's ears, too.

    • Baconz, you can pick up your Pulitzer Prize now.

      • Baconzgood

        I don't do it for the accolades. I do it because it needs to be said.

  • Eve8Apples

    Every corporation which received a bailout should have to change their name to include the phrase "TOO STUPID TO BE TRUSTED WITH MONEY – BAILED OUT BY THE US TAXPAYER." For example, JP Morgan Chase would be known as "TOO STUPID TO BE TRUSTED WITH MONEY – BAILED OUT BY THE US TAXPAYER JP Morgan Chase." Corporations are welfare people too, ya know.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I'm assuming this includes all farmers and grocery store owners (the actual intended subsidiaries of all Food Stamp legislation), those on Medicare, Social Security recipients, receivers of Wall Street bailouts, those with government jobs, and those driving on public roads…..Hey, wait…..that's…..that's…..socialism (shudder!!!)….

  • memzilla

    Here's the topper: the author of this regressive piece of tardturdity "holds a Ph.D. in American history from the University of South Carolina."

    Which would be like a sociologist having a Ph.D. in the humanities from Pol Pot University in Cambodia.

    • nounverb911

      Once a gamecock always a gamecock.

    • sharethegrief

      American history is a short course in South Carolina. It ends around 1860.

    • littlebigdaddy

      USC: The "other" Carolina.

      • tessiee

        They WISH!!

        • littlebigdaddy

          I meant those as scare quotes. Very scare quotes.

    • Catabite

      It's so good to know that I live in a country where, if my career working to answer Important Science Questions (aka "what happens if we poke it?") ever withers on the vine (probably due to government cuts to federally funded research), I can dick my way through four more years of college, spout racist bullshit, and end up with a couple of published books. Ordinarily it takes our lab years to get enough data to come up with a conclusion we can write about, but books like these? Shit, I can knock a couple of those out in a week or two.

    • Negropolis

      A Ph.D. from the University of South Carolina? That's like a GED in Normal America, right?

  • proudgrampa

    “People on government aid would also lose the privilege of voting.”

    So does this mean that government employees lose the franchise? Frankly, I am all for that.

    • Baconzgood

      He didn't say that. I'm not going to click the link because I read enough. But he didn't say that….PLLLLLLEASE tell me he didn't say that.

      • proudgrampa

        Hey, Baconz. I was just "quoting the quote." But it looks like that's what he said.

  • MozakiBlocks

    The University of South Carolina must be so proud of its alumnae. <—-May actually be a factual statement given the fact that it is South Carolina.

  • Ah, another doofus with a PhD in history who teaches at a backwater community college in the rural south. Color me shocked. Also, he has a face made for punchin':

    • prommie

      Brion? What a Douchey McFuckstic Dickety-Douchetard Asshole name. Makes his livin' from a gubmint institution, does he, off the people's taxes? Maybe his students, what with benefitting from gubmint largesse and subsidies, should also be drug-tested, humiliated, and forced to wear uniforms and such? Douche-fuck-shitbag-dickstick-fuckface-asswipe-motherfucking shitbag fuckwad fuckstick shitfucker.

      • tessiee

        It's probably a misspelling of "prion", as in Mad Cow disease.

    • prommie

      He's got a name made for kicking in the motherfucking balls.

    • GOPCrusher

      Brion? That's gay.

  • Tundra Grifter

    So, once again, a so-called "conservative" who rants about the government being too big wants to make the Federal government bigger.

    I grew up in Ohio with state liquor stores. What a pain in the rear – and nothing was ever on sale, either!

  • a_pink_poodle

    Great idea! We'll fight big government by growing government to set up state stores!

    *head explodes*

    • chicken_thief

      In his defense, we could have booths in the government stores that have the transvaginal ultrasound equipment so we can kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

      Hmmm, maybe even piss test facilities, too. Also.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I'm OK with this, as long as there's a separate "Whites Only entrance to teh government food stores.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, according to the current crop of Republican presidential candidates, that door would never even be used.

  • Ah, I see. So this solution requires we transform ourselves into early 20th century England. Brilliant, as they say over there.

    • SorosBot

      It's time to bring back the workhouses!

      Actually it wouldn't surprise me if some right-wing fucknut has already proposed just that.

      • Newt Gingrich?

        • GOPCrusher

          Except he calls them "public schools".

  • Tundra Grifter

    Apparently this jerk wrote a book titled "Forgotten Conservatives in American History."

    Well, I've got one more name to add to his list.

    • Geminisunmars

      What was that name again?

      • Tundra Grifter


        Not to mention, it's pretty hard to write a book about people who have been forgotten.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Humiliation and pain, in government assistance…

    …ever been to the DMV?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Or assumed "The Taxpayer's Position" on April 15th?

  • jjdaddyo

    I think we should make all those Medicare moochers get their free gubmint healthcare at THE BARBER COLLEGE! That'll teach them!
    "Short back and sides and a kidney transplant with that?

  • MMathS

    "The stores would be placed on public transportation routes for convenience."

    Thank god you pointed this out in your proposal, to be thorough. This isn't a racist dog whistle…I can't emphasize that enough.

    • chicken_thief

      That's a fucking dumb idea. Better would be to have plenty of parking for their Cadillacs.

    • Nothingisamiss

      It's racist of you to talk about racism. That must mean YOU'RE the racist, henghhh?!

    • real_dc_native

      So this means he supports public transit. How Socialist of him.

  • qwerty42

    From the article:
    Brion McClanahan holds a Ph.D. in American history from the University of South Carolina. He is the author of The Politically Incorrect Guide to the Founding Fathers (Regnery, 2009) and The Founding Fathers Guide to the Constitution (Regnery History, 2012), as well as the forthcoming Forgotten Conservatives in American History with Clyde Wilson (Pelican, 2012). You can find his Facebook fan page here.

    He's from from Univ South Carolina (the cocks!), is published by Regnery, and seems to be all about self-pitty. So what – exactly – is he doing with his PhD from USC? <a href=",or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=d876ffafd7c19c2&biw=1306&bih=743">Well he is undermining soshuliszm! Obviously.

    • Baconzgood

      Did he all so write "I'm a Heartless Cock Sucker that Should Be Taken Out Back and And Have The Shit Kicked Out of Me"?

      • No, he's the one who answers his phone, "It's a great day to teach at the University of South Carolina!"

      • prommie

        yes, he did, its quoted liberally at the top of the post.

    • Nothing says "opposed to soshulizm" like a degree from a state university, just like nothing says "opposed to welfare" like being published through Regnery.

  • MissTaken

    Not sure taking governing advice from the Dharma Initiative is such a good idea. I'm sure our own little Ben Linus would be very happy to poison everyone the first chance he gets.

  • WhatTheHeck

    I was recently on Capitol Hill and saw the Government handing out “Tax-Avoidance Stamps” to the oil companies and I was so happy. Iy made me feel so proud we could help out these corporations in need. So happy, that I wrote a book.

  • Baconzgood

    Somthing tells me that he wouldn't quite understand what Jonathan Swift was saying with A Modest Proposal.

  • Guppy

    "second-tier (…) stores with poor-quality food"

    As opposed to, say, Walmart.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I believe that we should put the poor in government sponsored death camps. And then, you know, kill them.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It's the only way to be sure.

    • chicken_thief

      Jerb creation!

    • tessiee

      "Away with excess enemy
      But no less value to property
      No sense in war but perfect sense at home:

      The sun beams down on a brand new day
      No more welfare tax to pay
      Unsightly slums gone up in flashing light
      Jobless millions whisked away
      At last we have more room to play
      All systems go to kill the poor tonight "

  • Callyson

    There should be humiliation and pain in government assistance.
    Snark off…
    My mom was on food stamps when I was a kid and I *still* remember the shame and pain I felt when people glared at her at the store. You really want more kids–who should not feel any shame or blame at all–to be humiliated to make you feel better about the fact that you can't get it up without medication and can't find a partner even if you could?!?

    • SorosBot

      But tell us how you really feel.

      (Really, that was awesome).

    • Nothingisamiss

      Excellent fucking rant.

    • mrpuma2u

      And the fucking horse that he fucking road in on

  • Limeylizzie

    When I was born I was premature and a sickly little runt and had innumerable stomach issues up to and including projectile vomiting-my crazy father used to say that he could point me at any object and aim me and I was very accurate-anyway, I digress, I was unable to keep down any milk or formula until some nutty relative found a stash of this -it was years old and I was amazed I wasn't poisoned, but it did the trick, so don't knock Government Food..

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Can you still do the projectile vomit thing?

    • prommie

      I once had a flatulent cat, and I could pick it up, put it under my arm, and play it like the bagpipes, by squeezing it, though it did have a better tone than bagpipes.

      • Limeylizzie

        Another reason as to why I love you.

      • GOPCrusher

        And now the Boston Pops will play Prommie's March With Flatulent Cat in D Minor.

    • Tundra Grifter


      My grandmother was one of the first women in Cook County, Illinois, to become a medical doctor.

      She never practiced medicine. She did work with many new mothers explaining how formula worked.

      When my Mom died and I returned to her home town, a number of people came up to me and said "Your Grandmother saved my life! She taught my mother about formula when I was a baby."

      That was pretty neat!

      • Limeylizzie

        That is lovely TG.

  • mormos


  • The word “Government” would be stamped across the top in bold letters so everyone would know it was a welfare item.

    Perhaps we could ask the purchasers to wear, ohhh, I don't know? Little yellow stars?, on their clothes to make identification easier.

    • BarackMyWorld

      The Nazis had little pieces of flair they made the Jews wear.

    • "Welfare Recipient" would be visible on state-issued IDs.

  • MissTaken

    Third, and most importantly, all food stamp recipients would be required to spend their government dollars at these stores.

    Will the government store have a travel department so I can buy my monthly vacations to Hawaii with my food stamps?

    • tessiee

      No, but if you pay for ten abortions at Abortionplex, you get the eleventh for free.

  • Nothingisamiss

    Maybe we could get them to wear a yellow "P" on their clothing so we would be able to identify the poor immediately.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    …Will Fix For Our Food Stamp Epidemic
    Is this a typo, or will the guy really tie-off and shoot?

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’

    Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'

    And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'"
    (Matthew 25.35-40 ESV)

    That's some funny shit right there.

    • PubOption

      Obviously not in the Republican bible.

  • BarackMyWorld

    The Politically Incorrect Selective Presentation of Information Guide to the Founding Fathers


  • Nostrildamus

    Also, those getting government assistance will be required to post bond for eventual repayment. Should the amount of indenture exceed a given threshold, the government can then compel labor to assuage the debt. To keep taxes low, the goverment may elect to privatize such "bondage" to corporations or other citizens of financial means who can make use of said labor, such as those with large agricultural plantations…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Isn't that how we ended up with Georgia?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I say we take the ten poorest people in town every week and make them fight to the death! Oh, and non-running vehicles on your front lawn do not count towards your net worth.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    We need to expand the government. US department of humiliating poor people. This guy can be the Secretary of being a douche to the poorz.

    • chicken_thief

      Oh, great. Another Obummer czar…

  • I'm sure Noonington would agree, because she is sick and tired of having to say "God bless you" to these freeloading mothers occupying her personal space in public, especially those of the Mexican (or is she Indian? forsooth, she could be both!) persuasion.

  • hagajim

    Here's my solution. Anyone on food stamps or EBT cards as they now call them, would be allowed to buy anything they want at any store, as long as they submit to anal dildoing first.

    • MissTaken

      But it says "do not fold or spindle".

    • Count me in!

  • gout

    …and any rich guy who gets a government subsidy should have to wear a poor person around his neck.

  • And the bread they get should have mold spores.

    • tessiee

      Especially if it was ergot.

  • prommie

    South Carolinians have a congenital longing for the peculiar institution of slavery, and if they can't have the old school kind, well dammit, they will find some way to degrade some class of people in similar fashion, so as to achieve the same effect. The energy that you get from hate, and the ego-boost from humiliating and degrading people.

    • Yes. I think it is a kind of addiction. Give a hit to the dopamine receptors, then leaves them craving more.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Brion McClanahan holds a Ph.D. in American history from the University of South Carolina.

    Say, you know who else was a worthless mouthy racist choad with a Ph.D. in American history?

    • chicken_thief

      If he's so smart, why the fuck can't he spell "Brian" correctly?!

    • BarackMyWorld

      Woodrow Wilson?

    • SorosBot


  • elburritodeluxe

    There's a very politically incorrect word for this kind of system: socialism. Good idea, Comrade!

  • Feed the poor??? Why not go to the next logical step and just EAT the poor!

    Soylent Green is Poor People!!!

  • Wonderthing

    Why is this man not running for President? Surely with his Spanish Inquisition style and his plantation overseer demeanor he could at least swing the debate so far to the right that it would eat its own tail. I tell you, these people are wasted writing columns. Actually, they probably ARE wasted, while writing columns. I know for sure they're a waste.

  • vodkamuppet

    "You know what the problem with poor people is? They're just not being humiliated enough."

  • PhilippePetain

    Hm, yes, this lean and cost effective idea will stop various cretins from utilizing $7 of government funds to purchase their ill-gotten goods! TO THE BARRICADES

  • widestanceromance

    Add an amendment that all government food be tainted with drugs so no one can pass the drug tests, and I'd swear this guy was Newt's idea.

  • Redhead

    Why is a conservative Repugnicant advocating for setting up government stores and a government brand of food?

    Or is it the same logic that says that government mandating the ultrasound procedure isn't somehow government intruding on medicine?

  • prommie

    is this that Christian "charity" thing I have read about? I heard about the giving to the poor thing, but I don't recall the taunting, torturing, and spiteful humiliation part.

    God, I bet he teases his dog, and smacks it around first, makes it beg, before feeding it.

  • HelmutNewton

    "There should be humiliation and pain in government assistance."

    Agreed! So every Wall Street exec that's part of a firm that received got govt. money should be forced to bend over naked (in public) while every citizen who wants to can spank the Hell out of them with the paddle of their choice.

    • …every citizen who wants to can apply transrectal ultrasound with the chainsaw of their choice.


  • I know one group that welcomes food stamp recipients with open arms: supermarkets. Most supermarket OWNERS are smart enough to know their bottom lines would be a lot different if they didn't have food stamp recipients as customers. An EBT card goes through the card reader exactly the same way an American Express gold card does.

    You food stamp users who get glares from clerks might consider reporting them. According to the 1% it's fun to fire people.

  • BarackMyWorld

    That way they couldn’t vote for greater benefits or easier terms (most of them don’t vote, but now they couldn’t).


  • I'm thinking about this, and actually instead of opening government stores, just run the program through the Post Office – and deliver the food right to the poor people. This keeps postal workers employed and reduces the cost of the program. Then add a "gourmet priority meal" menu and "express meals from the Post Office – order anything that can fit into this box – up to 70 pounds" – and turn it into a money making operation.

  • owhatever

    I think there may be too much flouride in the water in South Carolina. Something is making them batshit crazy.

    • tessiee

      400 years of inbreeding?

  • real_dc_native

    Welcome to the Soviet Union everyone. Only there everyone, except party officials had to shop in stores like this.

    I guess in the new US style Bolshevism the 1% will have their own stores and everyone in the foreign service will bring home appliances from Germany, Japan or China. The rest of us will be watched.

    Before long they'll be building border fences to keep us in.

    • wolvenwood13

      At least in the Soviet Union they had free health care; I was there in 1977 and had my appendix removed, it was even free for me. And the medical care was very good and up-to-date; which is more than I can say for the U.S.

  • wolvenwood13

    Why are people calling me Alice and why am I in a place called Wonderland?

  • L188188

    I knew it! Starving is a proper American value!

  • UnholyMoses

    The GOP doesn't want true "smaller government" (e.g., one that is just big enough to do its job efficiently and with the least amount of waste).

    They want a government small enough to fit inside a woman's uterus and a poor person's wallet.

    Fucking fuckhole fucks.

  • "Brion McClanahan" anagrams very nicely.

    Cannibal monarch
    Anal Birch conman

  • Tundra Grifter

    From Amazon:

    "BRION MCCLANAHAN is a history professor at Chattahoochee Valley Community College and a faculty member at Tom Woods' Liberty Classroom. He has written for,,, and

    "CLYDE N. WILSON is a retired distinguished professor of history emeritus from the University of South Carolina. He is a recipient of the Bostick Prize for Contributions to South Carolina Letters and of the first annual Randolph Society Lifetime Achievement Award. He is also the M.E. Bradford distinguished chair of the Abbeville Institute."

    Chattahoochee Valley Community College? The Bostick Prize?

    Man – some days the jokes just write themselves!

    • littlebigdaddy

      I once took a trip up the Chattahoochee Valley, if you get my drift.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Are any of these things real things in real places with real people involved?

  • elfgoldsackring

    And 'supplement' all the food with contraceptives! No religious objections allowed, cause, hey, those are for paying consumervoters only.

  • poorgradstudent

    I also spend my federally backed student loans on things other than food. Oh my God, welfare queens are so sneaky you can even be one without realizing it!!!!!11!!!11!!

  • Another teatard with no idea about what is in the Constitution.

    I am trying really hard to act surprised.

  • orygoon

    Why not cut to the chase and just drown all the food stamp recipients in some bathtubs?

    • tessiee

      Don't be silly. Poor people, even though they live in luxury with microwaves and stuff, don't have bathtubs. It would keep them from smelling so bad.

    • bikerlaureate

      Including the military dependents?

  • You know, I have this totally crazy idea for how we could fix America's Food Stamp Epidemic, too:

    Less Poverty

  • SpeedoFart

    "These items could be manufactured by major companies through government contracts, thus not creating a net loss to private industry. Because competition is not an issue, taste and quality, with the exception of the baby formula and baby food, would not be a top priority."

    So, this guy has found a way to screw the poor AND give a big fucking handout to multi-national corporations! What a fucking genius!

    • Loaded_Pants

      I would love to sit in one of this guy's classes. Betcha he tells the young 'uns that the South actually won the Civil War.

  • fuflans

    god. the rest of the world must just laugh and laugh when they read crap like this.

    or weep. weeping could happen too.

    • tessiee

      I feel sorry for my friends and relatives who live on the East Coast, because they can hear everyone in Europe laughing at us.
      Also, because Chris Christie is their governor.

  • Ansnarkist

    What an asshole.

  • tessiee

    So, at exactly what point in the process are food stamp applicants given mandatory hoo-hah ultrasounds?

    • Whenever the feeling hits them…

  • tessiee

    "Second, the government would lease existing store fronts and set up “government stores.” There are typically several grocery store locations that have gone out of business in any given area; these would make ideal settings for the new government stores.

    You load sixteen tons, whattya get?
    another day older and deeper in debt.
    St. Peter don't call me, cause I can't go,
    I owe my soul to the government store.

    Also, notice how this insufferable prick says, "There are typically several grocery store locations that have gone out of business in any given area", like that ain't no big thang?

  • tessiee

    Not bad, but it doesn't go far enough.
    Isn't there some Halliburton crony who we can pay with tax dollars to microchip these lazy bums? We could tell them it would enhance their dignity.

  • GregComlish

    "The stores would be placed on public transportation routes for convenience"

    Hilariously, this would only be convenient for black people who live near public transportation. For the poor-as-fuck white people living in fucksville, they are just shit out of luck unless they can hitch a ride to Tulsa. Like most racist dipshits, this guy doesn't even realize that the vast majority of food stamp recipients are white.

  • tessiee

    Why do I feel as though Paul Piff is reading this and chuckling to himself?

  • Come here a minute

    "Humiliation and pain," well, it's only fair, as these are the main ingredients of the author's adolescence. And we can see how well that worked out.

  • tessiee

    Is there some way to do this while also calling the people on food stamps fat?

  • ttommyunger

    Miserable little prick, much?

  • Negropolis

    The stores would be placed on public transportation routes for convenience.

    How considerate of you!

    Honestly, I can't snark much at this. Governor Snyder here in Michigan spent his entire first few months in office humilitating people on food assistance via the state health and human services department. A federally-funded program, and he's fucking around with it not for any real savings, but just to make access more difficult because, well…because. I guess the only silver lining is that there are so many "new poor" here in Michigan, people formerly of some means that voted Republican, that they might finally be learning — in the very hardest of ways — that that party doesn't give a flying fuck about 'em.

    What goes around comes around. Fucking sadists, the lot of them.

  • Negropolis

    How much you want to bet that this bastard-sumabitch is on SS and Medicare?

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