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Such a nice Aryan young man.
In a pleasant twist, Godwin’s Law has been turned on its concern-trolling old head: Yes, GOP crank Arthur Jones is an actual Nazi! Jones is a terribly sane old white insurance salesman who likes to run around Lyons, Ill., denying the Holocaust, goosestepping with the Grand Old National Socialist Party while they march on Marquette Park, and calling his opponents Jews*. And hooray! He is running for Congress!

A thing called the “Oaklawn Patch” has done wonderful work in reporting quotes like this one, for larfs:

A member of the Nationalist Socialist Party in his younger days, Jones took part in the Nazis’ march on Chicago’s Marquette Park in 1978. While he doesn’t deny nor repudiate his “past affiliations,” he says he votes Republican “90 percent of the time.”

Perfect.

But of course, sometimes even horrifying Nazi insurance salesmen are right twice a day? And thus you have “nuanced” policy positions like so: “These war-mongering fools in congress like Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney—we can’t let Iran have one nuclear weapon but we let Israel have all the nuclear weapons they want,” Jones said. “This is ridiculous.” So expect some of your more dearly deluded #Occupy brethren (the kinds whose signs excoriate the Rothschilds, because of how it is 1884) to get all Ron Paul ReLOVEution up on him.

Illinois’s Third District includes the Mau Maus of Barry’s South Side. Also some Poles and Russians and such, some of whom are conceivably … well, you know. Other.

Does that scare Art Jones? It does not. Herr Jones has “skirmished” with “leftists” before, because he is not a goddamn pansy like the rest of your far-too-fucking-moderate-sellout-establishment GOP, which, unaccountably, is against curb-stomping, at least out loud.

*Art Jones’s hopeful eventual opponent, Rep. Frank Wolf, is actually a Presbyterian, which is only in a Jew in the John Schmitz sense of the word, that “Jews are just like everyone else, only more so.”

[Oaklawn Patch]

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  • Dashboard Buddha

    Say what you will about long term life, at least it's an ethos.

    • cheetojeebus

      This is what happens Larry when you find a stranger in the Alps!!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      That no-fault auto coverage really tied the garage together, did it not?

    • LettucePrey

      No, DB, these men are insurance salesmen, there's nothing to be afraid of.

    • DonnyKerabotsos

      Are these the Nazis, Walter?

  • freakishlywrong

    The only way this could be any more fun awful is if he were running against fascist cornhole and deadbeat dad, Joe Walsh.

  • banana_bread

    This is not my district but it is terrifyingly close. SIGH. Note to self: Do not venture east of the zoo, for some deranged chimps have clearly escaped Tropic World.

    • mrpuma2u

      I am just to the north of Herr Skrewball, I wonder what he thinks of all those messicans in Berwyn. I am sure that Lipinski (current kinda blue doggy incumbent) will not have to run against this joker.

  • SorosBot

    I hate Illinois Nazis.

    • prommie

      I'm on a mission from God.

      • SorosBot

        It was the obvious joke, but someone had to say it.

        • prommie

          I can never resist.

        • DCBloom

          It's always a good time for a Blues Bros reference!

    • HarryButtle

      Henry Gibson libel!

    • tessiee

      Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

    • IonaTrailer

      This dude must not remember what happened to George Lincoln Rockwell….

      Retro-active abortion needed here…

  • An actual Illinois Nazi!

    • Arken

      I hate Illinois Nazis.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Shoo-in!…

  • Barb

    Meh, he won't last long before some rent-boy admits that he likes to dress up as Poland and Arthur likes to invade him.

    • prommie

      Gimp in the basement.

    • flamingpdog

      You forgot POLAND!!!

      Oh, wait, you didn't. Never mind.

    • IonaTrailer

      Well played, Sweetie

  • YouBetcha

    Gay. Definitely gay. Also, gay.

  • orygoon

    CBS-Saint Louis headline: "Congressional Candidate Calls Holocaust ‘Biggest, Blackest Lie In History’"

    because, of course, white lies are just dandy.

    • mermera

      White lies are not, as you say, just dandy…George W. Bush IS a dandy!!

    • tessiee

      Evolution and the moon landing are Healous Jealous.

  • Pragmatist2

    And how, pray tell, do we distinguish "actual Nazis" from, say, the Tea Party ones?

    • freakishlywrong

      Nazis-sidecars.
      Teatards-scooters.

    • Actual Nazis come mit schlag.

    • Nazis -> helmets

      Teabaggers -> Tricorn hats

    • OkieDokieDog

      Nazis – SS flags (and some US Marines – oops!)
      TeaTards – Confederate flags

    • PhilippePetain

      Nazis – Schadenfreude
      Teapers – Odd / Annoyed

      … you see it's a real stretch of a sounds-like joke.

      • MoeDeLawn

        I had my odd/annoyed removed and I now have a very nasal voice.

    • widestanceromance

      The Tea Nazis never stop talking about Nazis, while the real Nazis are more 'Fight Club' about it.

    • HarryButtle

      By what they're WEARING, darling. The Nazis may have been genocidal murderers, but they had fashion sense! Teatards? Not so much.

      • tessiee

        You gotta love those SS uniforms designed by Hugo Boss (truly!):
        http://www.cracked.com/article_15767_third-reich-

        "Speaking of stern, closeted white men, Hugo Boss manufactured the sleek all-black uniforms for the Schultzstaffel, better known as the SS."

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Wonderful typo in that article: "Schultzstaffel"*. The writer had to have been thinking of Hogan's Heroes while writing it.

          * Actually "Schutzstaffel".

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      'Baggers want the government out of their Medicare.

      Nazis' want Czechoslovakia out of the Sudetenland.

    • doloras

      The actual Nazis believe that the Jews are using the blahs as muscle against the white man. The Tea Party credit the blahs with the ability to come up with their own evil anti-colonialist dreams.

    • flamingpdog

      Nazis = Aryan race.
      Teatards = Republican base.

  • chicken_thief

    Lew Rockwell going to edit his political pamphlets?

  • freakishlywrong

    Per Fux: Arthur Jones (Nazi)(D-Illinois).

  • At this point Ron Paul is in the Special Olympics. Winning isn't the point, his heart is bursting with joy just because he's competing. Even though he's been lapped 3 times, Paul just keeps running his hardest around the track as fans clap, cheer and exclaim, "Awwww, well bless his little heart."

    • OkieDokieDog

      I got a doodilly in the mail from Ron Paul. It gave me great pleasure to draw Hitlerstashes on all the photos of him.

    • prommie

      Its like the Special Olympics, all Libertarian candidates are like Special Olympics participants; they may be total fucktards, but look, they got 3% of the vote, isn't that great! Here's a juicebox, you're a real winner, Mr. Libertarian, no matter how fucking stupid you are.

      • IonaTrailer

        And arguing with people on the Internet is just like being in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you're still a retard.

  • chitrade

    Hahaha, yes. He is the Nazi in the republican primary for the 3rd district. Richard Grabowski is the "Santorum Republican" in the primary, and Jim Falvey is the one that appears sane.

    It's no coincidence that the sane one "happens to be" (wink wink) the incumbent (D) representative's neighbor, and suddenly entered the race a month ago.

    Welcome to Illinois, where political positions change hands the old-fashioned way, they are passed down from father to son.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Herr Jones would actually be running against Dan Lipinski — Frank Wolf is in there 'cause Jones cited him as "a Jewish congressman from Virginia, Frank Wolf," with whom Lipinski is working on something in conjunction with AIPAC. Wolf is a Republican.

  • Generation[redacted]

    "Nazis’ march on Chicago’s Marquette Park in 1978."

    If I have my dates right, he would be in the group that fell into the river.

  • Trannysurprise

    If a Nazi can get elected Pope surely one could win a congressional district.

    • Guppy

      Only if that district is populated exclusively by aging, "chaste" pedophiles.

    • RedneckMuslin

      You kill some jews and you get labelled for life.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Unfortunately, his objection to Israel's possession of a nuclear weapon has nothing to do with the worry that they might use it, but just the concern that Jews anywhere are allowed to live and do stuff.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    You know who else was a Nazi?

    • meatlofer

      Colonel Klink?

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Wait a minute, I know this one….it's on the tip of my tongue…

    • LabRodent

      My third grade math teacher Mrs Rosenkratz. She was also deported in 1970.

      • anniegetyerfun

        My ballet teacher Mrs. Patridge, too! But they never deported her.

      • SorosBot

        My parents' old neighbor Inga; she was never deported though. She always seemed like a sweet old lady – until she started ranting about "the Jews", then she got scary.

    • LesBontemps

      All of 'em, Katie.

    • GOPCrusher

      Pope Benedict?

      • Geminisunmars

        Ratzi the nazi?

    • Extemporanus

      Ron Paul's #2 man in Illinois?

    • Lincoln Rockwell?

    • chicken_thief

      THAT KENYAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!!

    • PhilippePetain

      Ilsa, the She-Wolf of the SS?

      • gullywompr

        Too soon!

    • orygoon

      As Dr. Goon sez: before 8 May 1945, a great many people in the Fatherland. After 8 May 1945, nobody.

    • Guppy

      Glenn Beck?

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        He just plays one on TV and book covers.

    • Chichikovovich

      Well, since Arthur Jones is from Lyons, Illinois, I guess I've got to be saying Klaus Barbie here, Baldar.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Kurt Waldheim?

      Hugo Boss?

    • prommie

      Best "You know who else . . ." ever!

    • RedneckMuslin

      John Demjanjuk ?

    • RadioCualquier

      The petty tyrant, middle managers here at work?

    • MissTaken

      Coco Chanel's boy-toy?

    • RadioCualquier

      Muscular Jesus?

    • Ian McKellan?

    • flamingpdog

      23 replies and nobody said Hitler? Is this really teh Wonkette or have I been scammed onto another lousy porn site?

      • So you're saying "Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me, but…."?

      • widestanceromance

        'I'd hitler it.' may help to ease your concerns.

    • tessiee
    • tessiee

      Henry Ford?
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Ford

      Really, all you have to do is look at the picture that goes with the article to know that something was off with that man.

    • SorosBot

      Prince Harry?

      • This is what I get for reading replies. I was two minutes too late to beat you to this.

    • fuflans

      damn you balder i was totally going to write that but got a pedicure instead and you went and did it.

      still, my toes look fabulous.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So this puts both the unreformed Confederates and the neo-Nazis in the party of Lincoln, right? Now if only someone could explain to me why the blacks, hispanics, gays and Gypsies aren't flocking to the GOP, I'd really appreciate it.

    • GOPCrusher

      DEMOCRATIC PLANTATION LIBEL!!!!1!11!

    • sharethegrief

      9 out of 10 Republicans are non-Hispanic white, the only kind that matter.

    • Gunner Asch

      Because, belonging to inferior races, they are unable to perceive the sheer awesomeness of the Reps.

  • Baconzgood

    FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK!

    • prommie

      You speak Jersey?

    • DCBloom

      can't beat the classics

  • Toomush_Infer

    Also, Arthur Jones is just like everyone else….only more so!…too much more so…

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Finally! Change we can believe in!

  • To be fair, a Republican Nazi is still a Republican.

  • Oy, what a meshugana.

  • Baconzgood

    He should have timed his announcement to run so it coincided with Passover. That way he wouldn't look so bad. See, I'm a political genius.

    • tessiee

      Compared to pantload and frothy, you actually are.

  • freakishlywrong

    Has anyone told Jonah Goldberg yet?

    • widestanceromance

      His M4M profile said, 'Uncut' which made Jonah suspicious.

  • Goonemeritus

    I will concede that all Republicans are not Nazi’s when Republicans concede that all Nazi’s are in fact Republican.

  • chitrade

    This year is fun, because usually The Machine only has one republican entered in as a ringer to face Lipinski. In addition to the ringer, there's two honest-to-god actual crazy people on the republican ticket.

    Jones is the craziest, of course.

  • Baconzgood

    At least he's forthright.

    • flamingpdog

      Or Fourth Reich?

      • Baconzgood

        HEEEEEY-OOOOOO

  • Y'know, some of his ideas are interesting, but I'm not sure about these "boncentration bamps"….

    • bagofmice

      Boncentration blimps?

  • Schmegeg

    Who does he vote for the other 10% of the time?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    So, if we take Mr. Jones, run him through a meat grinder, and smear the the ground goop on a canvas, is it still "Art"?

    • kissawookiee

      Woodchipper would create more interesting textures. But conceptually, it's spot-on.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If this guy wins, I'd like to be a fly on the wall when he has his first meeting with the AIPAC lobbyist.

  • Trannysurprise

    Arthur Jones, 64, a Lyons, IL, insurance salesman who organizes family-friendly, neo-Nazi events around Adolf Hitler’s birthday…

    Are these events like "Pin the tail on the Jew" or "Spin the Bottle and then burn a Jew for Jesus"? Will there be clowns?

    • MissTaken

      I'm hope they do a sing-a-long of "Throw the Jew Down the Well So My Country Can Be Free". That's how my family always celebrated Hitler Day.

    • They play Hot Potato with a canister of Zyklon gas.

      And Musical Electric Chairs.

      Also.

    • SayItWithWookies

      There'll be a lot of people in funny costumes all getting out of one car, if that counts.

    • flamingpdog

      Only graduates of the John Wayne Gacy Clown College.

    • tessiee

      "Will there be clowns?"

      Nothing else but.

  • crybabyboehner

    Maybe this guy just likes Mel Brooks movies.

  • Ron Love ReLOVEution

    Worst. Disco band. Ever.

    (I think you meant Ron Paul, Jr. RON PAUL)

  • On hiz web page, and in the Photoshopped photog above, dear Artie appears to be claiming a CIB from Vietnam. Perhaps we should check on that since there is now a feral law against claiming you got medals you didn't really get.

    • tessiee

      "a feral law"

      Is a feral law part of the law of the jungle? Does it include the right to bare claws?

      I try not to be *too* much of a spelling Nazi (hee, you see what I did there?), but this is too good.

      • Teh use of feral law was deliberate since you earn a Combat Infantryman Badge by becoming wholly part of the law of the jungle. Still Infantryman until the womenz can get an 11 or 18, infantry or special forces, MOS.

        Since my spelling is often off by a mile, and my postings shipped with little or no editing, please, please be good enough to point out those cases where my spelling is to boldly go to the street where the split infinitives live.

    • MoeDeLawn

      holy crap – I thought that was Tim McVeigh!

  • RadioCualquier

    At least he doesn't have to answer first to the pontiff.

    • flamingpdog

      At least not until the current pontiff.

    • widestanceromance

      At least he doesn't work for Jews.

      [this IS a Monty Python reference. I got flak for using it without a disclaimer once, and do not want to repeat that]

      • GOPCrusher

        There is something wrong with someone who hasn't seen The Meaning Of Life.

        • widestanceromance

          Totes agree, and they liked to comment at Gawker many years ago.

  • owhatever

    How in the world did the Democrats let such an outstanding candidate slip through their fingers? Why do the good ones like Arthur Jones always go to the Republicans?

  • prommie

    He'll do alright in Illinois, though he would do better in Indiana. But he just could ride the Dunning-Kroeger-American racism effect to a victory. Unless the Gimp gets out, if the Gimp escapes, all bets are off.

  • Troglodeity

    What? He's a Republican?

    This is an outrage up with which the Party of Lincoln will not put!

    • GOPCrusher

      Obviously a Democratic plant. Because of that whole National Socialist thingy.

    • IonaTrailer

      The party of George LINCOLN (Rockwell) ?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Say, you know who else gave a so-called unifying speech in a park, after stealing an election from an old war hero?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Barack HUSSEIN Obama?

    • Neville Chamberlain?

    • RadioCualquier

      LBJ?

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        and when you reference "stealing", do you mean "shooting your fucking boss in the head"?

  • Tundra Grifter

    I say we hang him on the wall and call him Art.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Well, that certainly takes a great deal of chootspah!

  • Nostrildamus

    His next step?
    1) CPAC keynote speaker
    2) GOP national committee chairman
    3) Romney running mate
    4) Fox News color commentator

    • flamingpdog

      I doubt he will want anything to do with any "color" commentatoring.

  • Mahousu

    Jones hopes three’s a charm after blowing his retirement savings on two prior congressional runs.

    Finally, an argument for cutting Social Security that I can get behind.

  • widestanceromance

    Can he be appointed ambassador to Israel instead?

  • SorosBot

    He should get the coveted Ron Paul endorsement.

  • chitrade

    C'mon, this guy has no chance. Even the DuPage Republicans, the "nuke a gay whale for christ" crowd hates Illinois Nazis.

    We've all seen the Blues Brothers out here.

    The funnier one is Grabowski. He's sorta-sane, as in not claiming any glorious nazi past. He sure does hate The Machine, though! Woo! There's lots of confusion in his political screeds. I think he thinks he's running against Boss Madigan, not Lipinski's Son.

    I wonder if Grabowski is even his real name, or if he got it changed so he could win the Ditka Republican vote.

    • GOPCrusher

      If that was his plan, why didn't he change it to Walter Payton?

  • Doktor Zoom

    It seems to me that there's a relevant line from some movie that would refer to this gentleman's geographic area and his political affiliation, but I can't for the life of me remember what that would be.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Want to bet he's circumcised?

    • tessiee

      I find your comment extremely difficult to masturbate to.

  • proudgrampa

    Jesus. Fucking. Christ. The crazy keeps getting crazier.

    I can't even imagine the disconnect from reality it takes to have a position like this.

  • littlebigdaddy

    He was one of the ones who thought Borat was a documentary.

  • SayItWithWookies

    But we won't hold that against him.

  • LettucePrey

    Rep. Frank Wolf, is actually a Presbyterian, which is only in a Jew in the John Schmitz sense of the word

    Mary Kay LeTourneau LIBEL!!

    • flamingpdog

      Everybody knows Mary Kay LeTourneau is just a Catholic priest in drag.

  • His opponent, Frank Wolf is actually a wolf. Nobody knows exactly how he got on the ballot.

    • flamingpdog

      He couldn't stay off the ballot after he saw who else was running in Virginia.

      • SorosBot

        Who's afraid of Virginian Wolf?

    • tessiee

      What's even stranger is that Frank Wolf was a human until a passer-by mooned him.

    • Negropolis

      He got on the ballot 'cause this is Chicagoland. The Machine wants what it wants, and gets what it gets. I hear they put up a ham sandwich on the northside.

  • Lack of support for Israel is as big a non-starter in the GOP as not memorizing the starting grid at NASCAR.

    He's toast.

    • tessiee

      I agree, but I don't get.

      The GOP in general can barely unstrap the Bibles from their faces long enough to blow their corporate masters, yet in the middle of christian values this, and america is a christian nation that, they're rah-rah for Israel?

      I don't get it.

      • MosesInvests

        They're rah-rah for the Israeli right wing, for one very simple reason. They want WWIII to start in Israel so Jebus will come back. They love Israel and want it incinerated in a nuclear war. The money wing of the GOP likes the Israeli right wing because war in the Middle East drives up oil prices.
        Most of us Joos are on to them.

        • tessiee

          "They love Israel and want it incinerated in a nuclear war."

          Well, I gotta say, that doesn't sound like they even *like* it very much.

  • I hear he's pro-farm – he wants to extend Wisconsin's dairyland further north – into Manitoba.

  • While he doesn’t deny nor repudiate his “past affiliations,” he says he votes Republican “90 percent of the time.”

    I almost feel like someone could read some sort of significance in the fact that the Republican party platform evidently overlaps with the views fo a Nazi, 90% of the time. Not sure what, though, hmm.

    • widestanceromance

      Clearly most of those Nazis are in fact patriots, with only 10% having gone rogue.

    • tessiee

      Both of them also overlap 90% with the 1%.

  • OT, but apparently our best pal, Feloneous Sex-Pervert James O'Keefe is suing David Shuster and Current TV, for calling him a feloneous sex-pervert.

    Followed, one can only assume, by suing the entire world, for the same.

    • Loaded_Pants

      "O'Keefe was not and is not a 'felon.'" Not yet anyway. It's inevitable.

      • He was charged with a felony and pled out to lesser charges, which seems to be a distinction, but somewhat short of a difference.

    • GOPCrusher

      What, is that sweet Brietbart caysh flow starting to dry up?

  • BornInATrailer

    ♪♫ It's springtime for Arthur and GOP.. ♫♪

  • tessiee

    And this affects the fetusi, how?

  • tessiee

    I don't think these Schiesses will be civilized in my lifetime.

  • Callyson

    While he doesn’t deny nor repudiate his “past affiliations,” he says he votes Republican “90 percent of the time.”
    Sounds like he is re – affirming his past affiliations every time he goes to the voting booth…

  • hagajim

    This shit just keeps getting better and better. GOP=Nazi? HA!

  • Redhead

    Nazi viewpoints and Republican policies line up 90-percent of the time, is what I'm getting from this.

  • Midway117

    I wish I could upfist the lot of you. My week is made. All I have to add is that Lyons, IL once had a large concentration (HA!) of titty bars.

  • Hey, Art? Burn any good books lately?

  • DahBoner

    They don't need no Jew boys down in Skokie…

  • Well, someone had to replace Ron Paul in the House.

  • CapnFatback

    While he doesn’t deny nor repudiate his “past affiliations,” he says he votes Republican “90 percent of the time.”

    The other 10 percent of the time, he stabs a Jewish kitten.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    But wait! I always here from Republicans that Nazism/Fascism is a leftist ideology – National Socialism. It's right there in the name?

    Oh wait, they're idiots. Never mind.

    • Not all Republicans are idiots. Some are simply serial liars.

  • Come here a minute

    He's what my Granny "Here a minute" would call a Real Nazi.

  • noitzie

    Yo! Wonketeers! Ya smoke ya breakfast? Lyons Ill. is in the 3rd district, Lipinski — a Dem — represents it. Wolf is from VIRGINIA’S 10TH CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT.

    I met Wolf once. He told an acquaintance that I needed a haircut.

  • ttommyunger

    Nazi? Insurance Agent? Republican Politician? The Perfect Trifecta from Hell.

  • Negropolis

    While he doesn’t deny nor repudiate his “past affiliations,” he says he votes Republican “90 percent of the time.”

    Wait. Strange word choice. These things aren't mutually exclusively. In fact, I'd have started off the sentence with "because" instead of "while."

    Poles, Russians and Blahs, you say? You couldn't build a more perfect electorate to reject a Nazi if you tried.

  • DahBoner

    Is it "natural" for a 43 year old Nazi scumbag to collapse and die or is that "God's Will"????

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