oh boy

Your ‘Michigan Mitt & Arizona Too’ Election Night Death Blog

First, a moment of silence for Olympia Snowe, who has delivered a “blow to the GOP” by dying or something. [Takes nap.] Ha ha, Olympia Snowe. Anyway: Michigan! Will hometown football hero Mitt Romney lose it after all the abortionist Democrats show up and vote for their hero, Rick Santorum? Then again, Rick Santorum: Not likable either! Can’t we just declare that gay Mexifucker sheriff out there in Arizona president and “go back” to having meaningful lives again? Here is your liveblog/open thread thing for the next 100 hours.

8:00 — Things are starting; CNN is screaming at its viewers. Can Mitt Romney survive a CRIPPLING LOSS IN HIS HOME STATE? Or is Rick Santorum HITLER? Will Newt Gingrich EAT A LLAMA? Stay tuned for ARI FLEISCHER and GLORIA BORGER live from HELL (Atlanta?)
8:02 — How Things Will Go Tonight: Michigan counting will go on for 40 hours, because it will be so close, and Arizona won’t even have results until 10 p.m. Eastern (American) time. Ron Paul is going to give his victory speech soon, though! Let’s all order food, together.
8:04 — Newt Gingrich is walking out to give his speech at the college he pretended to teach at in the ’70s. His entrance music is the theme music for Hulk Hogan.

That’s enough Newt Gingrich speech coverage.
8:11 — “I’m going to take a couple of minutes, and tell a couple of stories” — Newt Gingrich after already telling stories for five minutes. It’s early, but take that tampon you’ve been vodka-soaking all day and put it up your butt, America.
8:16 — Newt Gingrich’s story about getting head from a tree is touching.
8:19 — ReSuLtS: Poopcum has a couple hundred votes on Mittens with about 1% of precincts reporting. Now let’s all go get cancer.
8:25 — “The votes are already coming in and they will accelerate” — Wolf Blitzer. We have 2% of precincts in and Rick Santorum is winning by four percentage points! Let’s call it for Ron Paul, right now.
8:28 — Former Citigroup/Goldman Sachs executive Erin Burnett suggests that there have been a lot of ad buys in Michigan and then offers to get us all high at the Moon Tower in 45 minutes.
8:35 — Did any of you liberal Michigan(d?)ers go out and vote for Rick Santorum today, and do you have stories/pix? We feel like it’s one of those things that sounds fun until you actually do it, at which point you realize you have no life whatsoever. But how is that news? Anyway, send us your stories/pix to tips@wonkette.com!
8:41 — Ron Paul is talking about the value of the dollar!
8:46 — FLASH: Back in Georgia:

(via McBrewster)

8:57 — Wolf Blitzer promises to jump into a bowl of acid at the top of the hour, so stay tuned. “I uhh I uhh yeah” — Wolf Blitzer.
9:00 — ***DING DING DING DING**** Wolf Blitzer calls Arizona for Mitt Romney, based on the exit polls! BOO! BOO! (Although it does mean this thing ends earlier, so.)
9:01 — Thanks to this no-life-having friendly MichiganDer lady and blogger “THAT’S MRS. BITCH TO YOU!”, who voted for Rick Santorum today:

Now, you know from reading this blog that I’m damn near impossible to embarrass — if there was any doubt left, this picture should have taken care of that — but, I was literally ashamed and embarrassed to have the people manning the voting registration table think that I might be a Republican when I signed for the Republican ballot to vote.

But I did it. I voted for ol’ dreamy, creamy, Frothy. Pardon me now while I go soak in a tub of bleach.

Thanks, MRS. BITCH.
9:11 — Crap! Romney’s up a bit in Michigan and “InTrade has his chances at 85%,” whatever that means. Could Mitt Romney actually win his home state?
9:17 — CNN is going to interview Ron Paul, shortly. Okay? Time for your Wonkette to eat dinner.
9:21 — MSNBC sounds pretty hot right now, via SorosBot: “Romney supporter Thaddeus McCotter, talking with Maddow, keeps talking about how wrong he was on the auto bailout. Great way to support your man Thad!” Remember when Thad McCotter was going to be president? It’s okay if you don’t.
9:25 — Ron Paul is accusing another politician (Rick Santorum) of believing in conspiracy theories.
9:34 — Ugh, this may be your Wonkette’s “transition from bad liveblog to open thread” moment. Via Intrade:

9:46 — Your Wonkette has been reporting! Here is a top-secret Gchat conversation with former Wonkette Character “Roommate Rob,” who now lives in Michigan!

me: Rob give me a QUOTE about “on the ground” conditions in Michigan

Rob: oh hi!
i live next to a polling station. i saw no one enter
walking around earlier there were paultards with cutouts made of plywood, looking like they were gonna go graffiti shit

me: did you make out with any of them?
did you vote for rick santorum?

Rob: well, one was this unattractive 40 year old, so sadly no
boy did i, it was great

me: seriously for serious?

Rob: haha no
i didn’t vote today

me: why do you hate america?

Rob: no one in ann arbor gives a shit about today’s election i think
because i hate white american jesus
and i’ve been indoctrinated in obama’s “colleges”
enjoying the live blog btw

“Roommate Rob” is everything that is wrong with this country.
10:10 — ****DING DING DING DING DING***DING* Romney wins Michigan, according to NBC News/AP. This sucks. Let’s point and laugh at him anyway. Goodnight!
10:28 — Rick Santorum: “Their uniforms were crisp and stiff.” Why is he talking about his bedsheets?

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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      1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

        One to park each of her Cadillacs in. She loves the Cadillacs by the way. They're the perfect size. Just like your trees. I mean our trees. In fact I remember celebrating the centennial of the planting of these trees. Now will you all sing my favorite song with me?

        Hmmm, it appears I may already be drunk, this bodes poorly/well for the evening…

      1. flamingpdog

        Come on up to eastern Colorado and bring your house with you. We can't help you blow your head off, but our wind will be glad to blow the roof of your house off.

  1. MissTaken

    Michigan and Arizona!
    It's like two, yes two, orgasms in one!

    By orgasms I mean two economically depressed housing tracts, of course.

    1. SorosBot

      And hey, you get to join in on the early liveblogging tonight! That's not as good as two orgasms though.

    2. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      I can't be a depressed housing tantric 100 hour orgasm unless Florida is in it, and they already came. Or maybe Sting.

    3. Nothingisamiss

      Wow! I totally don't mean "two economically depressed housing tracts" when I say orgasm.

      I mean tents. Tents and wine coolers.

  2. arihaya

    we can expect Santorum surge to take Romney by surprise from behind,

    I wonder whether Romney will be able to stay on top with Santorum giving him hard determination like this

      1. C_R_Eature

        Massive Family Party Obligation, out of state. Alleviated by heavy drinking, carousing and sarcastic commentary. Also recovery, yesterday.

        Oh Ghod, that boneheaded Ehrlich in on now. I'll have to switch back to something nicer, like a sinking cruse ship catastrophe.

      2. Loaded_Pants

        FROTHY! *hugs the FROTHY* I have "heard" that you will not be with us for a bit. Hope you can check in, if you can. I should tell you I need my occasional Galas reference fix.
        *Hugs the FROTHY again*
        Much love & the best to you, dahling!

        1. FROTHY

          Oh, sweetie! Now you're making me all snivelly and stuff. (Hugs you so much)

          I'll check in on SuperTuesday for sure (I have to know which one of these idiots gets IT even if it kills me). And I'll try to be home in time to collect a whole bushel of outstanding hugs and hand them all out again. Love you so much, and hugs to the husband and you both. (And tell him NOT to bring back any more germs — I can't have you getting sick while I'm away).

          1. Loaded_Pants

            I seem to be on the mend. This bug has been a nasty one.
            Speaking of my hubs, I'm sure you are aware of the shit that happened at Chardon High School in Ohio. Well, that was the HS he attended. And some of the EMS workers/police officers who responded to the shootings were also former classmates of his. When he heard the news, he said to me: "There's something seriously wrong with this country that something like this happens in Chardon, of all places."

          2. FROTHY

            OMFG. I hope he's handling it OK. WTF is happening? And apparently, the kid in question wasn't even bullied, so they have NO idea why he was shooting at random people. I'm glad you're better. If I pop in for a quick fix I want to be sure I can find you.

      1. C_R_Eature

        I like it. We will make it so.

        I've been shouting "Rrrrrrrrronpaul!!" in a falsetto Felix The Cat voice (pointing up in the air when possible) every time I hear the name, for like a year now. It's like Tourette's.

        It makes life difficult listening to CSPAN's Washington Journal on the road. I get stares. It's truly incredible how many paultards call that show ,for no good reason at all.

        1. Designer_Rants

          It's truly incredible how many re-tards call that show. Period. But I still love it, if not just for the exasperated facial expressions and stern hang-ups of the hosts alone.

          1. C_R_Eature

            I was on the road during the last "Mitt Romney has a Huge Penis" episode and I literally almost got into an accident and had to pull over. I got nasty stares but i was laughing way too hard to care.

            The Perils of Distracted Driving.

      1. V572 Flambé

        She comes pretty close to delivering on godaddy.com, that distinguished high-minded firm with its oh-so-classy marketing strategy, which may be stated as follows: BOOBIES!

          1. Loaded_Pants

            Thou shall not violate the 9th Commandment unless you are doing so for God Jr. You also shall not hate yourself as much as your neighbor. Also, too…as well.
            –Sarah Palin Word Salad Spinner.

      1. flamingpdog

        Goddammit, Barb, I read through all the eleventy brazillion comments above yours saying, nay, praying to myself, "Please, let no one else have made a snark about "no class" at teh Wonkette, please,let no one else have made a snark about "no class" at teh Wonkette". You owe me back those three minutes of my life!

  3. SexySmurf

    I'm going to go ahead and predict a big night for Buddy Roemer.

    Did I mention I just got a new job as a political commentator at CNN?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I don't want no ice cream love,
      That's too cold for me, little girl.
      I don't want no ice cream love, girl can't you see?

      I want a love that's warmer than the summer sunshine,
      I want a love that's as warm as mine,
      Because my love, is warmer than a chocolate fudge.

      (Heard that on the speaker today at Chipotle in Tucson. One love, Jah Rastafari.)

  4. FakaktaSouth

    That's it – I give my self totally to the force of dorkness within me. I swear to God I just squealed "RAAAACHELLLL" at my TV when she started her freaking part of the coverage.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I got AMERICAN Honey and Dr Pepper cause I want diabetes, tooth decay, and a headache after I, um celebrate? Celebrate right? If Mitt loses? Oh my god am I pulling for Santorum?

      1. Nothingisamiss

        "pulling for Santorum." I wish I were quick enough to really give that the joke that it needs. Help me someone…..

    2. V572 Flambé

      Already had the Martini. Will switch to cheap wine soon, as I'm going to have to drink so much there's no point in guzzling the good stuff.

          1. flamingpdog

            How about a decent BLAH wine, huh? Are we not men?

            (I don't know what that last question meant. It just popped into my head, WTF.)

          2. FROTHY

            We are devoid of any reason for living until next Tuesday.

            Oh wait, next Tuesday is the reason for living till next Tuesday. I drunk I'm think.

  5. weej_bain

    Nate the Skate sayz exit polls report over 40% of the Michigan Republican primary voters identify themselves as Demrats. Perhaps Frothy can ride that foam to victory.

        1. LagunaB

          But it was so stupid. Anyone who has been on a boat, no matter what size knows better. I knew by the time I was 9. Geez.

      1. LagunaB

        Lloyd's of London insures most sea going vessels that go to sea. The cost for the insurance is enormous even if you do have a history. The captain was a total idiot. You do not abandon ship of you are the captain. Do not. Lives were needlessly lost. It is a travesty.

      1. starfanglednut

        I have a friend who's a nurse, and worked for a while on Nantucket. All the EMT's, nurses, doctors etc refer to the rich idiot tourists who get themselves injured as "Chads". As in, "Collision on such and such road, en route with two Chads"

  6. V572 Flambé

    Looks like a good night for us Tamron Hall admirers, if they'd just give her more screen time.

    They kinda owe it to the viewers to balance all the Ed Show and Steve Scott time. Reverend Al isn't a visual delight either.

      1. V572 Flambé

        Blah people can look terrific in colors that make white people look ridiculous, as TH just demonstrated, again.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      I hope for both your sakes that you get to drink heavily towards the end of Sept/Oct. I may shift into alcohol overdrive….which is only, like, 2 drinks for me. Still….getting into the screaming backside of this election might near kill me.

  7. RadioCualquier

    Just think of the time being spent here, we could be helping kidz and oldz instead of wasting it here getting drunk and making fun of teevee and gooper clowns.

          1. FROTHY

            Don't be sadz, Radio. (Hugs the Radio some more) I hope everything will work out, and then I can come home, maybe in a month. Let's hope for the best, dood.

          2. RadioCualquier

            Teach me the words in an Native American language for hugs and kisses.
            BTW, I never told you this — I know you are not a blogwhore — but your reading list is intimidating and beguiling. And I thought I read eclectically.

          3. FROTHY

            Ha! I do not speak any Native American languages. The best I can manage in any Native American language is "Yatahe," which my friends assure me means "Hello" in Navajo. But I don't trust those bastards because they sure do enjoy mocking the shit out of furrnurrs, and even though they thought I might be a member of a different tribe, I know they laughed their fucking asses off when I nearly lost my kidneys from that bumpy ride out to Canyon de Chelly. For all I know, it means "I blow goats."

            You're too kind, Radio. I'm trying to make up for the huge gaps in my knowledge, so I must read. (Hugs the radio)

            So how about I get a look at YOUR reading list?

          4. RadioCualquier

            Finished Winner-Take-All Politics My recommendation to you mein freund. Finishing the A History of the Jews in the Modern World by Howard Sachar. Next is Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman.
            Plus blurbs and essays by Nomad and Matt Taibbi, et.al.
            Rather mundane compared to yours, but that's why I think your mind excels.

          5. FROTHY

            Interesting. You know I'm always trolling for book recommendations, since my mobility is not so great any more, so I definitely will put those three on my list.

            Matt Taibbi is totally my afterbirth separated at birth, or something. He is the curmudgeon I aspire to be. Eh, if I had to work for a living again, I couldn't enjoy to read like I do. Some day you too will be an ancient, crabby immobile fart with an enormous reading list. (Hugs you again)

          6. RadioCualquier

            Likewise, my FROTHY friend, I will be trolling your list for the books that inspire and open the consciousness and even make our existence meaningful. I miss you and you diligence already.

          7. flamingpdog

            Dude, I missed the leaving us nooze. Was it on some other thread I was too busy "working" to comment on?

          8. FROTHY

            Why for you want to do this working shit when there's *important* stuff going on, dood?

            Yes, I'm off to Ozland for an unspecified amount of time. I don't know when I'll be back. Details are on another thread, but you can always look them up on ID if I don't drop another 1,000 comments tonight. I will miss you very much, which is the only thing that really matters. So take good care of yourself for when I come back. If everything goes very well indeed, it may be as little as a month. I will hope for the best.

            I'll check in on SuperTuesday, if the R ranks don't shake out tonight. If they do, then I'll be otherwise occupied. But the main thing is, you stay away from the anxiety and stop making yourself sick with worry. And when I come home, I want at least ONE hug from ya. (Hugs the pdog)

          9. FROTHY

            Eh, not much, just going away for a while, don't know when I'll be back, don't know if I can check in. Just saying bye to everyone and collecting hugs so I don't have to get totally plastered on the flight.

            I leave Friday. So you WILL have me to kick around for — oh, jebus, is it really only two days already? Shit, fuck, piss, and corruption!

            Oh, well.

          10. FROTHY

            I will miss you, and everyone else here very much. You know my e-addie, you can write me there any time at all. I do check for mail. I hope things will go well. I don't really want to go now that it's upon me. But life's like that. It just hands you stuff and you have to cope. I'm sure I'll sneak in here as often as I can, if only to keep my spirits up, love. I hug you with many fond hugs.

          11. FROTHY

            I'll be back for SuperTuesday, and if everything goes OK, I'll be home in PLENTY of time to do some work for Barack's campaign and help get him elected and drink my ass off with all you dear, sweet, wonderful people come the ERECTION!

            (Hugs Nothing most fervently) Don't you worry. I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope and work for the best!

    1. flamingpdog

      What, don't feel bad, Radio, you ARE helping the oldz by posting on Wonkette! Teh Wonkette is like Bill O'Reilly for soshulist Commie libruls.

  8. jtalaska

    I don't know any Arizonans but I have a few friends that own Arizona. Ann runs over brown people in her Cadillacs.

      1. chascates

        All of us in this room know the media loves Barack Obama. They don’t want anyone who has a chance of defeating him,” she [Ann] says.

        Ann, it's because your husband says dumb things!

    1. starfanglednut

      The hilarious thing about that whole fiasco is that mittens probably thought he was being slick by not admitting that in fact, he and Ann don't "drive" anything, but are chauffeured in limos for all distances too short to be realistically covered by private plane. He thought he was cleverly lowering himself to the level of the commoners so that they would vote for him. Even then, he came across as impossibly wealth and tone deaf.

      1. glasspusher

        why does this choice have to be mutually exclusive? Can't he do both? I would prefer he quit _and_ she dumps him. That would be nice, although she does like the shiny objects, and someone has to pay for that helmet hair of hers.

    1. biblioteq_tress

      First, Newt tries to force Thomas More to strongarm the Pope into declaring his marriage to Callista unconsummated, at least post-wedding. When that doesn't work, he connives to have the Pope declare her a witch, pointing to her spare vagina she keeps tucked in a Kate Spade cosmetic case as proof of her truck with the devil. The Pope is all distracted invading Poland & won't let Newt behead the White Queen. Finally, Newt announces that Callista has gone "hiking" on the "Appalachian Trail." Heartbroken, Newt holds a press conference declaring that Callista has left him for a luscious Latina and she is never, ever ever seen again.

  9. user-of-owls

    Olympia Snowe's retirement is gonna set up a whale of a catfight over prime acting roles between her and that other Olympia. You know, the Greek one.

  10. C_R_Eature

    "The Concordia is taking on water fast, listing and starting to sink."

    Hey, Mittens, sound familiar?

      1. Extemporanus

        About five years ago, I found myself extraordinarily renditioned to the Chaparral Suites in drrrty Crotchdale for a good friend's wedding. My particular "suite" was almost within jizzing distance of Bob Crane's final shoot. (Really…I tried!)

        It was one hundred-and-hell degrees in the shade, and there was no shade. Every local lady I met sounded like tranny, smelled like Chambord, and looked like the back of a Nicaraguan pole dancer's right knee.

        I was so unsettled by the whole experience that I found it necessary to create a rather elaborate MySpace-based alter-ego for myself ("Mr. Scottsdalian!") in an ultimately unsuccessful effort to disassociate my severely shaken psyche from the Valtrax-snorting hooch-cooches who haunted and hookered every dark, dry, adobe-caked corner of my mind.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Jesus. I've been in Scottsdale a couple of times and it just looked like a flat, wealthy piece of fucking desert.

        1. Barb

          I'm feeling good, thanks Extemporanus. I popped my incision open once and then just had to do it again for good measure. Jeff is getting really good at grabbing Neosporin and making butterfly bandages.

          I was so annoyed with the Wonketeers, talking about post-op stool softeners and stuff that they had no right to say to me as a lady. I was on my knees in the hallway and screamed for Jeff to print out every comment from the last year-in triplicate- and bring it to me quickly. I will only buy bathroom tissue if it is discreetly bagged in both paper AND plastic. I walked into Walgreen's and grabbed a clerk by the collar and screamed, "You, stool softener, me, NOW!" In the bitch slap of a hummingbird, I was eating them like Skittles.

          I went from the lady who runs the water in the sink when I tinkle, even when I am alone, to a tramp who will give Jeff a full frontal lap dance and sink to my knees, wrapping a rubber strap around my arm, tapping my vein, begging Jeff, "give me some stool softeners, I don't have any money, you know I am good for it, I'll do anything for you" as I kiss up his thigh.

          1. Jeffer

            In this country, you gotta get the stool softeners first. Then when you get the stool softeners, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women

          2. Extemporanus

            As you know, you go to defecate with the stool you have—not the stool you might want or wish to have at a later time.

          3. Jeffer

            Okay, true story here. There was a nice Native family that came the same time as during Barb's surgery. The Mom who came in with her daughter stayed there and we ran into each other a number of times during Barb's stay.
            When I brought Barb home, I put her to bed and ran off to the Walgreens down the street to pick up her meds. I was going up and down the aisles looking for things to make her more comfortable. I get a tug on my sleeve and there this older lady was with a armful of stool softeners. We had some nice chit-chat, and I ran off to get my share of them too. That way we could go through check out together.
            The clerk must have thought that there was some sort of massive cheese tasting party in the neighborhood that week. LOL.

          4. FROTHY

            She's my pal! I love her from her nose to her toes and all the way back around to that GREAT BIG BRAIN! Wheredju find such a smart and sexy lady, dood? You haz teh lucky!

          5. Barb

            He found me at the Phoenix airport. I was waiting for a flight and he got off a flight and I was on the cell phone with my sister, Nancy. I told her that I just saw the most mantastic man and he walked up to me. I blurted out, "I love you" and he said, "I love you back" Kiss, kiss, kiss. He's my husband now.

          6. Jeffer

            Okay, I'll tell you this. We started out with a long weekend in Vegas. The story could be a mini-series.

          7. Barb

            I was staying at the Venetian and you were staying at Planet Hollywood. I pointed out that gal who had the incredible knockers. You didn't know whether to shit or go blind. ("is this a trick question?") I still point out the gals with nice boobs. You dazzled me from the first second I laid eyes on you. Thanks for the stool softeners.

          8. Jeffer

            Yes, but now I don't shit or go blind. I just say "Yes, those are some great Ta Ta's".
            I love you.
            And I have to work tomorrow. G'Night everyone, tip you waitress! I love you for the love you've given my honey! Peace out!

          9. Extemporanus

            Your sweet little story has made this whole shit-forsaken thread worthwhile.

            Nothin' but love, you adorably screwy twosome, you…

          10. FROTHY

            Damn, ID keeps hiding your comments from me for HOURS!

            You guys have the saccharinestly cutest love story.

            I bet you're both really good looking too, which would you know, make me complain.

          11. Barb

            Yes, Jeff that story is true and so weird. We live in Bumfuck and you managed to run into a gal's family that was the second surgery after me on that day. I remember her walking by my door in the hospital and giving me a nod. I hope to run into her again one day. She looked like a Disney Princess.

          12. Barb

            Yes, it was Soros. Jeff is ridiculously handsome and people tend to remember him when they see him. The hospital gave me a roommate at 4:00 A.M. and we turned it into a par-tay zone and we were quite um, loud. I was drug-dialing my friends and acting quite chimpish. I kept yelling, "Is this Jello-O?" "It's made of horses, ya know" and people would come by to see what what in our IV drug bags.

            I called by bestie, Bill and was screaming, "I love you man, you still have a uterus, you MADE something of yourself!" Good times!

          13. Barb

            Hobbes, Jeff and I have the most fantastic bathroom in the master bedroom, complete with Jacuzzi, double glass fireplace with a view of the balcony and mountains, shower with nipple jets and I run down the hall to make pee pee. I never thought I would ask Jeff to get stool softeners for me. I've sunk to a new low. LOL

          14. FROTHY

            Not only that, LOLA, but here you are in front of God and everybody joking about this in front of a bunch of total fucking pervs who are losing it with delight.

            It's a sad day indeed. And I know you LOL with me as I say this.

          15. Extemporanus

            One word: Velcro.

            Lizzie and I were seriously hopin' that Doc would let you bring your hysteria home with you, and that you'd make it your avatard (i.e. "Jarb"). Alas…

            I'm very heartened to hear that the ol' hoohaw foofaraw is mostly behind you. As fart would have it, I read your reply whilst being worked over quite brutally by an OxyContin-corked bat of my own. Fucking pain in the neck…

            Anywizzle, you will always be a lady to me, m'Lady. And your champion Jeffer will always be the shit. Now, you two go get the hell better — I sense movement.

          16. Barb

            You are a sick mo-fo!
            I sent Jeff a late night text that read "%*mhgy#@" and he called the nurses to check on me. LOL

            I couldn't speak after they took out the breathing tube and I kept pulling the oxygen supply out. Nurse Ratched came into scold me and I said, "bitch" and it was aloud. It was a miracle!

          17. Jeffer

            Thank goodness I'm a huge word puzzle fiend. Her text made sense if you moved your hands up one level (kinda). I still called to check on her though…
            And that's not exactly what she texted, but we'll just keep the exact text between the two of us. LOL.

          18. ShaveTheWhales

            A few years ago I did a stupid thing (this is not a sufficiently rare event) and fell off a ladder and broke five ribs. The best I was allowed for painkillers was hydrocodone — if I hadn't been in so much pain I would have tried to negotiate for morphine, but you know how it is.

            Anyhow, they definitely worked better than nothing. A week or ten days later, the ribs didn't hurt so bad, and I stopped taking the painkillers. Somewhere around there, it occurred to me that I hadn't, as they say, voided my bowels for a week or ten days. Shortly thereafter, my body attempted to remedy this situation, but failed miserably. Luckily, at that time I still lived in San Jose, so it was a matter of minutes before my hand was around the throat of some pharmacy employee.

            Gah. It wasn't the worst pain, but it was kind of the most aggravating pain. I think stool softeners could be the basis for a new religion.

          19. FROTHY

            Anybody who's ever had to undergo major surgery and the attendant peristalsis-inhibiting painkillers knows only too well the value of those poop medications of which you speak.

            You never know how important your asshole is until it's out of action. Isn't that the basis of a bazillion folk tales and legends?

          20. Barb

            Shave, been there, done that, bought the stool softener. I started out by bringing a magazine into the bathroom and then the iPad. I graduated to dragging the desktop computer, tower and all and then I got out sock puppets and tried to tell Jeff that I needed an ambulance.

          1. LetUsBray

            I think he's saying he wanted a place to hide his booze. I can see where the back compartment would be unsuitable.

          2. FROTHY

            I was thinking Newt might merit that honour. Santorum's more like the cheap murky red they sell down at the Italian place with the plastic tablecloths and the tomato-sauce stains on the wall.

          1. FROTHY

            I love you too, sweetie.

            I'm still fucking killing myself laughing over some of the stuff you wrote tonight. I read it aloud to my partner who only knows that "Barb" is someone whose comments I INSIST on reading aloud to him right before collapsing into helpless laughter. He must think we're both insane.

  11. Rotundo_

    Let me see here: Spend hours sitting on the edge of my seat in anticipation of either Mittens or Santorum winning an election or turn in early and catch the highlights reel on the "Good God it's sad that you're up early enough to watch this shit!" report tomorrow? I'll just flip the alarm to "on" now. Hey Mitt! Pathetic fucking losers who lose their "Home" state primary are people too! (add best Nelson Muntz laugh: HA HA).

      1. Negropolis

        Bingo. She probably planned this to give the Dem the seat. She was really the only thing standing between the tea party and the Dems taking that seat back.

    1. V572 Flambé

      Diane Rehm should run, so the State of Maine could have two charter members of the slow-talkers club as senators.

      1. LagunaB

        Shelley Adler, wife of John Adler, 3rd District of NJ, is running to unseat Jon Runyan, ex- football player repub. Jon won by only 5,000 votes. Another women democrat for the US house. I stop by the office of Jon to voice my complaints over the repubs attack on women. Well, it is by Whole Foods so no big deal. Repubs. Fail.

  12. Toomush_Infer

    Heh! Heh! Heh! I'm already 3 cuba libres fortified for the fallout – I like to be above the fray (less frothiness)….

  13. C_R_Eature

    "I feel a great disturbance in the Farce – as if hundreds of Republican political consultants cried out in pain and terror"

  14. NYNYNYjr

    Interesting fact: Gingrich's team had their shit together enough to enable him to be on the ballot in both Michigan and Arizona. Currently Paul is ahead of him in Mittagain, hopefully it stays that way.

  15. C_R_Eature

    Newt Gingrich with 7% in Michigan.

    What's it feel like, pissing away millions and millions of dollars, Mr Adelson?

    1. V572 Flambé

      He probably says, "Easy come, easy go," and rejiggers the house percentage on the slots to make it back.

      1. LagunaB

        They do that anyway. And it is posted. My husband likes to gamble. I don't but I watch what is happening. Look on the walls. The odds are posted and changed during the day.

  16. mavenmaven

    Crossover voters? Yeah, right, like someone might actually be able to motivate Democratic voters to do something for their own good.

  17. TheRiverCharley

    I've got $500 that says Newt Gingrich rage-shits all over Mitt Romney's face while Mitt Romney rage-shits all over Rick Santorum's face when they both lose to Rick Santorum – Rick, meanwhile, will be desperately scrubbing at the shit stains all over his favorite sweater vest. And, hey Rick! Everybody knows you dab at stains, not scrub. You fucking idiot.

  18. SorosBot

    CNN.com is currently showing what they say is Gingrich's speech live – did he really start at 8:04, and is still droning on now? Ugh.

    He's promising $2.50/gallon gas, but won't explain how; just says says to go to his website. Bullshit; President's can't control that.

      1. SorosBot

        See I accidentally read that as THROW YOUR MONEY DOWN A HOLE.

        And we're all supposed to push "Gingrich means $2.50 gas" on Facebook and that Twittery thing.

          1. SorosBot

            I'm old, but not that old, but have never seen the point of the Twitter. Is there any use for it if you're not trying to promote yourself?

          2. FROTHY

            Rapid communication; political activism. Occupy is using it to organize. I use it to (mostly) Tweet political stuff — news, meetings, things people can or should be doing. I use it when we have earthquakes, or riots, or exciting shit like that, where the news is too slow. I'm sure lots of people use it as a marketing tool, but I don't have any contact with such people (you can isolate yourself surprisingly easily in Twitter).

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        This is completely unrelated to the thread, but every time I see a post from you I wonder if your handle is related to "Creature Features". Eh?

        1. C_R_Eature

          Actually, no, but that's a good one! I couldn't come up with anything clever so it's just a play on an obscure book, its author and a word that makes me laugh.

          I was a big fan of Creature Features as a kid and "Chiller Theater" with the awesome claymation six-fingered hand rising out of the swamp. Who didn't like that, Eh?

      1. C_R_Eature

        Oh, we cater to all kinds here. You'd be surprised.

        I still say that as a catch phrase, sometimes, without thinking.

  19. Negropolis

    Damnit, Frothball. The vote I took with great scarifice better count, you howdy-doody-looking' motherfucker.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      This is the first time I have ever been able to say these words to someone who voted for Santorum – HEY! GOOD JOB! I am pleased and excited by your vote!

    2. fuflans

      meh. two days from now, ricky will be declared victor b/c 7433 votes were lost in grand rapids or something.

      you did good man. kisses from a chicago lass.

    3. ShaveTheWhales

      However it turns (turned? I'm a little late here) out, I think you made the right effort.

      The Founders left us a political system (due to their unfortunate inability to see the future) that is biased in favor of low-population-density, predominantly-rural, low-tolerance-for-diversity voters.

      Taking advantage of a legal loophole in the primary process is but a small counter to the overall bias.

      And, Michigan is not winner-take-all, so your vote counts no matter what.

  20. bflrtsplk

    Just finished recovering my computer from a major league system crash and all I get is the Mittster – again. Isn't this where I left off.

  21. Negropolis

    Santorum is sweeping the UP, which, while bad, is good for Yoopers in that Santorum stinks less when it's frozen solid.

    1. Chichikovovich

      You would think that being so close to the sensible, reasonable, intelligent people of Northern Ontario might rub off on the Youpers. But nooooo…..

      (Edit: and I forgot to add: scary – socialist NDP voters)

        1. flamingpdog

          I married a man from Nantucket.
          Who carried his balls in a bucket.
          And often was said,
          As he pulled out his head,

          … oh, never mind.

  22. V572 Flambé

    Oh man only 8 minutes to go until they declare a winner (UPers don't count). LA Times has S'torum up by 2.5%. Go, Li'l Ricky!

  23. BklynIlluminati

    So who is the first GOP party head to throw Mittens under the bus tomorrow after he loses his home state? DeMint? Boehner? I bet Palin

  24. RadioCualquier

    Wolf is watching the poll closing clock. What a dolt.
    Now he says that Mitt is struggling in his state of fetus.

  25. BarackMyWorld

    Quick question:
    Is ANYONE in the press calling this thing "The Showdown in Motown"?

    Because, really, how can these hacks possibly resist a line like that???

    1. Doktor Zoom

      The Man-Harmer in Ann Arbor?

      The Queer Porn in Dearborn?

      The Battle in Battle Creek?

      The god-knows-what in Ypsilanti?

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Not in a while. I love her as a person and a pretend-girlfriend, but her show is boring as hell.

        1. Jeffer

          Poor Barb has to put up with me watching Jennifer and following Nate Silver on election nights. Well for 50 more minutes then it's on to Hockey!

          1. FROTHY

            Aw, you so sweet. (Hugs you and Barb both)

            You all better? Got rid of that nasty sore throat? Barb puts the fear of gawd in me pulling out her stitches and then I heard you were sick too.

          2. Jeffer

            I'm doing much better. Antibiotics are doing the trick. I'm keeping an eye on Barb and her incision looks much better. 95% healed. Rest assured, I'll drag her cute butt right back to the doctor if there's a problem.

  26. SorosBot

    I've got MSNBC's live feed working, and they're already calling Arizona for Mittens, but the Michigan difference is now 233 votes.

      1. flamingpdog

        I don't think it was that kind of "pole" and that kind of "entertainment" that Radio was talking about.

  27. Doktor Zoom

    Maine Sen. Olympia Snowe to retire in blow to GOP

    But really, who WOULDN'T want to retire in blow? Even if you have to take the GOP with you.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I hope Frothy Catholic wins, just to see Karl's head explode. The Rs have been working on creating Frankenstein since the days of the Southern Strategy right through the Christian Conservatives to the Kock brothers astroturfed teabaggers. Interesting to see how they react when the monster of their creation won't do their bidding.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Their Monster is eating them this year. They all know it, hate it and are absolutely powerless to do anything about it.
        It's a fine thing to watch, as long as none of us get Eaten too.

  28. C_R_Eature

    That is the most Horrendous, Disturbing animated Gingrich .gif I have ever seen. Now I will have nightmares.

    Thank you very much. I will cherish it.

  29. PuckStopsHere

    The shocking things was to see all those names: Santorum, Romny, Gingrich, Cain, Bachmann, et. al., on an actual ballot in front of me and realizing that there were people who were going to vote for one of them because they believed they were capable of being President of the United States. Voted for Santorum. Will probably go to Hell for it.

  30. BarackMyWorld

    The way Tweety keeps talking about the Reagan Democrats and Catholic voters and everything other 30 year old thing that comes out of his mouth, did he ever leave the 80s?

    1. Negropolis

      I'm so damned tired of hearing about Reagan Democrats. They'd largely switched parties or went back to be just regular, ole Democrats by the time of Bush the Elder. They haven't been resurrected in two fucking decades. Gah! They simply aren't a factor in Michigan presidential politics, anymore.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      It was the McCain endorsement and the last minute Jan Brewer endorsement, I'm sure.

      (It wasn't.)

        1. Negropolis

          Yep. I figured that since the state is paying for this, I might as well play. Plus, we get our own Dem caucus for Obama in a few months.

          1. Negropolis

            Nope. But, a black guy requesting a Republican ballot with a smile he could not hide got some surprised looks, nonetheless.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        You know, I'd love it if chance caused me to be introduced to Ari Fleisher. Unfortunately, this is not as likely as it might once have been. Or maybe it's not unfortunate, as I am really too old to go to prison for aggravated battery.

  31. BarackMyWorld

    Thad McCotter on MSNBC defending the auto bail-out, while supporting Mitt Romney…
    So much for keeping his surrogates on message.

  32. SorosBot

    Romney supporter Thaddeus McCotter, talking with Maddow, keeps talking about how wrong he was on the auto bailout. Great way to support your man Thad!

  33. Negropolis

    We've all seen Santorum pull facts out of his ass. Tonight, I hope he finds a few extra votes, up there, to bridge the gap.

  34. ttommyunger

    Early Primary voting all week here in Dumfuckistan. Torn between which total asshole to vote for. Finally decided: tomorrow I will cast my vote for the Newtster, hee, hee. Really. I feel it is my civic duty, and the best I can do for Barry so far, not being a gazillionaire and all.

      1. ttommyunger

        I will have a difficult time suppressing a massive boner while doing so, I fear. May have to fap in the booth…A first!

          1. ttommyunger

            No danger of that, the RepubliKlan Majorities here have done away with such insidious things as ballots or other vote-verifying devices (whimper).

    1. Negropolis

      Make sure Gingrich wins, and that he wins huge. I say this to anyone voting from here on out: vote for the guy that's most competitive with Romney in your state, and if that guy is actually way up in the polls, just add to it.

      Romney is going to be the nominee, regardless, so we might as well bloody him as much as we can before he reaches the convention. Couldn't happen to a better guy if you ask me.

  35. BklynIlluminati

    After today i demand a Newt Paul thunderdome deathmatch. Two crazy geezers enter, one crazy geezer leaves time to cull the herd

  36. Barb

    I just noticed that Michigan is shaped like a mitten.
    (I'm so high right now)
    I keep looking and I can't quite put my finger on what Florida is shaped like.

    1. Mojopo

      I'm so glad you're feeling good, Barb!

      EDIT: I am feeling awesome because my nieces are paying attention to politics this year. One is voting for the first time ever.

      1. Barb

        Thanks for the well wishes.
        I am proud of your nieces for being excellent citizens and doing their civic duty.

    2. Angry_Marmot

      I was tending bar (in Michigan) and showing someone where something is on the back of my hand (as one does) and an old bar fly at the end muttered, "I wonder what people in Florida use?"

    3. FROTHY

      You DO know that Mookie called in a tip to Wonketz and it got credited, right? WTF is your uterus doing bringing the snark? Do I have to deal with TWO snarkyBarbs now?

    4. flamingpdog

      Um, Barb, if you can't put a finger on what Florida is shaped like, maybe we Wonketeers better all get togther and have a talk with Jeffer and see what the problem is.

        1. Barb

          Oh, that's what he means when he is screaming, "Oh baby, don't forget the Keys, they aren't orphans, you know!"

    5. ShaveTheWhales

      I'm happy you're high, but Michigan (sans UP) has looked like a mitten for some time now. Sorry, but I grew up in Wisconsin (hand), and now live in California (use your imagination).

  37. orygoon

    So, not long ago The Spare was arguing with me (actually, he always argues, with everybody–it's endearing when you're used to it, which takes, what, 26 years?) about whether Illinois was the fourth-biggest state or something (by population), and as usual, I decided to end the argument by looking this kind of stuff up, which is easier (but apparently less satisfying) and I was gobsmacked to see that Michigan is in the top 10! It's number 8! I thought, you know, that everyone except my weird cousin Bob (who never goes anywhere, according to his way-more-normal sister Dawn, who got the hell out and lives in Minneapolis) had left! But no! It's still just chock-full of people, or "electoral votes"? (And I wonder who Cousin Bob voted for?)

    1. Barb

      Up his nose with a rubber hose! (attached to the exhaust pipe of one of Mrs. Romney's plethora of Cadillacs.)

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      Why do I have the feeling that "Republican voters are split on what to do about the issue of illegal immigration" is the question of whether illegals should be hanged or given the electric chair if caught.

      1. Blueb4sunrise

        Yeah, not sure what percentage of the voting R's it is…..but at least some of them don't want anybody messing with their illegals. It's difficult enough as it is doctoring paperwork and sneaking them around.

        1. FROTHY

          Well, it's *Paul* Babeu, for sure, and I coulda sworn I heard Joe R. Piehole say today that Latinos LOVE him, so there's at least two right there.

        2. starfanglednut

          The repubs are really in a bind. They have to sound rabidly xenophobic enough to appeal to their base (or, ironically, what they imagine their base to be), yet still appeal to the donors to their superpacs who depend on teh illegalz for cheap, exploitable labor.

        3. MilwaukeeKent

          Maybe that's some good old Western States "Live and let live/mind your own business" values creeping back in? Or growers and furniture store owners feeling the economic loss….

          1. flamingpdog

            Um, don't overestimate the good old Western State "Live and let live/mind your own business" values in this case. I will forever remember my mother telling me as I was growing up (in heavily blah SE D. C.) about the signs she saw in store windows growing up in Colorado that said "No dogs or Mexicans allowed".

          2. FROTHY

            Hey! Those signs existed in my country also! In front of all the exclusive spots. "Natives and dogs not allowed," they said.

            It was really nice to tear them out and burn them after Independence.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Republican voters are split on what to do about the issue of illegal immigration."

      Because there are only two things that could be done? Actually, for these folks, it's probably remarkable that they're able to think about two whole options. Even if, as Milwaukee suggests, it's a debate about whether to use a .38 or a .45 when picking them off at the border.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      "The humans are really strange, but sort of touching." "I compliment their trees, and still they don't like me!" Probably not good advice.

      1. Gunner Asch

        When I was stationed in Korea in the '60s my GF was telling me about the hard times right after the war. Americans donated American rice, which the Koreans took one taste of and traded it as fast as they could for expensive black market Chinese rice.

          1. Jeffer

            I think we used all our checks yesterday at the post office applying for passports. However, we still have some gift certificates for the Hungry Whistler somewhere….

          2. Barb

            Remember how I told you that Jeff got me the entire series of Boston Legal to watch while I recover? It was a reference in one of the court cases, lol. "I was employee of the month and got a gift card from the Hungry Whistler" It just made us laugh like goobers.

          3. FROTHY

            You guys must have more fun than two-year-olds, you're both so snarky and so fucking fast.

            But don't EVER let Jeff take you to the Hungry Whistler. Whatever it is.

          4. Barb

            Starfanglednut, I didn't even see the show until after it was no longer in production. Jeff got me the whole series and we love watching it together.
            Denny Crane!

          5. SorosBot

            Here I just assumed it was one of those West Coast only chains that Westerners like to brag about, like In-n-Out burger or Carl Jr.

  38. Negropolis

    If Romney pulls out Michigan, tonight, it will be the saddest "win" of the season, a win you'd almost have rather had a loss with considering how close it is and how much money you had to spend.

    1. FROTHY

      68% of the votes are in, and Romney is now running at 42% vs 38% for Frothy. Romney takes Michigan. Santorum drops out. (No, I said that, not the talking heads)

          1. E_Tx_Pines

            What does the daughter with the doll look like these days?

            Gawd, I loved that picture. Shattered dreams.

  39. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Thad McCotter throws in with MItt? It's over.
    Too bad FrothyBoy couldn't keep his insanity under wraps for just a few more days.

    Looks like Repugnants are willing to hold their noses and give it to Mitt. Can we stop paying attention now?

    1. BklynIlluminati

      Nah he has Captain Ahab in his blood, he wants to hurt Romney more. I'm thinking Khan from Star Trek too

          1. Steverino247


            As for being a sick fuck, it's an occupational hazard. I have a reputation for taking jokes straight to the bottom, because I've been to the bottom of human existence more times that Cousteau has been to the bottom of the ocean.

    2. bikerlaureate

      He said clearly and repeatedly that he's in it 'til Tampa.

      Are you suggesting he's not a man of his word?

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        I read that as "he's in it 'til Tampax." Didn't someone suggest soaking a Tampax in some alcoholic beverage and then inserting it in Gingrich's ass? I was hoping that it fell out during his last speech. If it was in Santorum's ass then I hope it fell (or was propelled forcefully) out during any speech. Romney? I hope it stays in until he explodes.

        Now I find out it is "Tampa" and not "Tampax." Is there difference?

  40. C_R_Eature

    I predict that Romney will "Win" Michigan by 128 votes. However, the blissfully incompetent Republican primary election machine will suddenly find a bag of mostly Santorum votes in Drunk Uncle Fred's closet next week that will swing the state to Frothy by 56 votes.

    Sound reasonable?

      1. flamingpdog

        Now I haz the sadz. You're even older than me, but I have to watch this on the Spice Channel for 20 minutes before I can have an orgasm.

  41. Negropolis

    BTW, kind of only tangentially related, but anti-PA-4 voters (the "Emergency Manager Law" that take over municipality and school districts) will be delivering well over 200,000 signatures to the state capitol, tomorrow, which will suspend the current law until November. They will be marched up from a neighboring church known for its social justice teachings.

    Lest we forget, Obama is well on track to win by nearly 20% come November, the state Dems are leading on a generic ballot by 14% meaning we'll probably get back the state house, and we'll probably end up with the state supreme court, again. Stack on top of that that auto suppliers literally can't get out their products fast enough, and tonight remains a good night for Obama and every Democratic politician in this state even with the rising gas prices.

    1. biblioteq_tress

      Thank you, my head is out of the oven now.

      Not that this makes the next few months any easier to tolerate.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      You gave me a real smile. And since I exist in a hidden corner of the USA's most dumbass states that, not coincidentally also the country's reddest state.

    3. ShaveTheWhales

      Y'all can suspend a law just by presenting signatures?

      Fuck yeah.

      Hail to the motherfucking victors.

  42. C_R_Eature

    If Mitt does win Michigan tonight, will the Alien Brain Lizard exercise better or worse control over his language center?

  43. FakaktaSouth

    David Gregory reminds me of the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, if they gave the Abominable Snowman a hair cut and a lobotomy.

      1. flamingpdog

        No, I DIDN'T! Why did I have to read your comment??? You're just trying to get even before you go on vacation, or whatever it is you're doing.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I heard him give a talk a Jewish temple here in Tucson (he started his TV "career" here … you're welcome). He was so dickish. Claiming to be very religious, yet simultaneously sounding materialistic and egocentric. Not blaming his upbringing — those characteristics co-exist in many religions (see tonight's presidential candidates).

      1. FROTHY

        It's the new flavour of religion, apparently. You don't have to give a fuck about anyone but yourself, and making money is GOOD. And fuck everybody else. Literally, if you can get away with it.

  44. BarackMyWorld

    Super Tuesday is a week away. Anyone think that'll be the end of this thing?
    Me neither. **sigh**

        1. C_R_Eature

          Ha! Okay:

          My prediction is that it will go on and on and on and many of us will be very, very drunk never be sober again.


  45. chascates

    So are we guessing (and hoping) Gingrich will slink away after next week's Super Bluesday? Callista has to be getting tired of traveling around and being stared at by hicks.

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      The last traveling Freak Show shut down in 2006, Bill T. Hall's –I think he still had Pop Eye in his employ, probably Howard Huge and somebody with a third leg who "can kick a football the length of this tent! With his third leg!". The Gingriches have a long season of state and county fairs ahead of them. The hicks miss this stuff.

        1. MilwaukeeKent

          State Fair. I might be off by a year or two. Maybe Pop Eye was gone by then, maybe it was Howard Huge, a Third Leg and a large boa constrictor…walked into a bar, etc. The Gingriches should embrace their wild inner Freak Show. The field is wide open.

  46. cotugirl

    "I wanna froth with you, all night…forth into the sunlight…I wanna froth with you all night…froth the night away…"

    BTW the Newt gif is disturbing.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      I'm thinking not yet. There's a dynamic tension building. Santorum has the genuine lunatic christian-sharia element locked up already. Newt is accumulating the oh-fuck-we-can't-vote-for-this-Mormon contingent. Give it a while longer, to get more of them on board the Newt. Then, when Neut drops out to pursue his illiterary career, they'll be forced to switch to His Frothiness.

  47. DustBowlBlues

    Frothy's spewing mouth piece of a Republican douche says to Rachel that they consider Rick's chances in OK very good.

    No shit, Sherlock?

  48. MilwaukeeKent

    Newt is looking to make a big splash on Super Tuesday, he's in at least that far [Santorum is always looking to make a splash, and S-T might be his night as well as the results dribble out. In, I mean, the results dribble in, of course]. Tonight's looking like a foregone conclusion, but Michigan isn't winner take all so some delegates will get Santorum on them, I mean Santorum will get some delegates…

  49. Limeylizzie

    Santorum is talking about his mother getting multiple degrees, she a fucking snob! OTOH They just called it for Mittens.

          1. FROTHY

            I know you weren't, sweetie. I'm just disgusted that someone could have laid a finger on you that wasn't loving and kind. I shall have him reincarnated as a cockroach for 47 lifetimes.

  50. bikerlaureate

    Good grief. I changed the channel when evil Gov. Snyder was lying, and flipped back in time to hear what a college-educated elitist Frothy's mom is.

    The paradoxical dissonance is going to implode my TV.

  51. hebmskebm

    In Mackinic County, Michigan, Rick Santorum's final vote total: 666.

    Romney finished exactly ONE solitary vote better, therefore Romney is Satan +1.

      1. hebmskebm

        Oh I wish! In Rick's world the Number of The Beast is just a reminder of a future filled with Man-on-Dog phone sex lines.

  52. FakaktaSouth

    DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE SMART AND ELITE TO LEAD US???? YES, RICK, YES I DO!!!!!!!! So you should piss off. Completely.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Economically depressed areas are depressed because the government "shut down" access to natural resources?
      Am I understanding that correctly?

      I have to change the channel before I start throwing things.

      1. LetUsBray

        Compared to the Gypper, the House of Boosh, and the current parade of nutsacks, second-rate would be a substantial improvement.

  53. Barb

    I like Rick's piece of coal prop. He says we get energy from it. Newt should do the same and make Callista put it in her tight little ass crack and show us all that she made a natural diamond.

      1. Barb

        Nah, I glanced at the $35,000.00 hospital bill and one day's worth of drugs was $750.00. That Lindsey Lohan numbers there.

    1. glasspusher

      Fuck coal. My grandfather owned a small coal mine, and worked it. Died of black lung. Coal: dirty to dig up, dirty to burn. Promotes a slave society (miners) run by the plantation owners (mine owners). See: Wind River Basin, Wyoming

        1. glasspusher

          I have a friend who's daughter lives in Gillette, Wyoming. She described it as essentially a trailer park (the mine workers and their families) and three mansions on the hill (the mine owners). Extraction economies are seldom anything else.

          Such knowledge is often depressing…that's why I've been doing alternative energy for my career.

          1. FROTHY

            Life is mostly pretty fucking depressing. I suppose the same could be said about my taste in reading materials. Reality. We don't get to choose if we'll live in it.

            Not without being stark raving nutters, anyway.

      1. flamingpdog

        Powder River Basin, Wyoming; Raton Basin, Colorado and New Mexico; Denver-Julesburg Basin, Colorado and Wyoming. My house sits on top of an old coal mine, and you can visit tailings piles nearby anytime you want. Lotsa of people don't realize the part coal has played in killing people in the West.

  54. DemonicRage

    NPR is calling Michigan for Romney. I guess we're all that dog now, ready to take a 6 hour ride in a little cage on top of a car, only the ride may last for eight years.

  55. Madam Killjoy

    "The men in the crisp, stiff uniforms" line confirms just about everything I've thought about little Ricky.

    1. FROTHY

      And, you know, he's a lawyer, which means his undergraduate degree was in fucking liberal arts. Because if you CAN pass math, you go to engineering school or math school or sciency-sciency school and make yourself USEful. Prick.

    2. flamingpdog

      I don't know how he got a law degree, I don't know how he got his other two degrees, I don't know how he got out of elementary school. Asshole is just plain stoooooopid. And he does a good jerb of sounding crazy, too. Stupid and crazy takes care of about 179 percent of the Republiklan party. He could win this nomination yet.

      1. FROTHY

        He's really not as stoopid as he comes across. I mean, he has a JD and an MBA, and while he didn't attend Hahvahd, he did attend reasonably good schools. So I'm not sure exactly what makes him this nutters, because he surely is stark fucking raving.

  56. Doktor Zoom

    Completely off-topic here, but wotthehell…So I'm reviewing files at Family Court Services today, and in a custody modification petition, one of the reasons that Dad gives for why he should have primary custody of the kiddos is that Mom "has allowed [the 12 year old daughter] to maintain a Facebook account." Yep, apparently the guy thinks that's prima facie evidence of poor parenting. (Also damning, Mom has a boyfriend who "sleeps over" at her house, and she "regularly exposes" the chirren to cigarette smoke) This is the sort of stupid mundane shit people drag into court to try to make each other look bad.

    And then I'm also checking the parties' criminal histories, which is when I find that Dad has a 2001 conviction for Child Enticement.

    So, yeah, I guess he actually would have some special insight into the risks that a Facebook account might pose for kids.

    1. johnnyzhivago

      Geez, I mean if the mother allowed the daughter to deal methanphedimines while working as a truck stop prostitute – I could see getting a triffle upset…

      But facebook??? c-mon!

      1. FROTHY

        Maybe that's how Daddumz picks up all his girlfriends, and litte Shelley was, you know, looking downright, uh, enticing.

        Oh, gawd, I just made myself puke.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Haha! I have the advantage there–I started out a cynical, depressed misanthrope, so there was no danger of losing my hope for humanity. Never had any to start!

        1. flamingpdog

          You mean they didn't ask you if you were a cynical, depressed misanthrope when you applied for the job? I couldn't imagine working in the social services if I weren't.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Oh, believe me, I know. I posted this mostly because I just encountered it Tuesday, and because it has that certain sick "je ne sais quois the FUCK????" quality that makes it grimly funny. Happily, my job doesn't require me to encounter much of the seriously bad stuff that's out there, so the worst that I usually see in the papers I shuffle is mere petty assholishness, while the truly horrific stuff goes to people above my pay grade.

        1. Steverino247

          While I'm sure I'm not above your particular pay grade, I'm one of the people who has to deal with that Olympic-level assholishness and write it up so a judge can comprehend what's really going on..

  57. FakaktaSouth

    I've had all the fun I can stand. I can't even wait to see Mitt do his "trees/heights/please make this a funny thing instead of fucked up blurted out statement if I repeat it" bit. Rick Santorum's particular brand of haughty righteous indignation coupled with the perfect does of baseless, insane ignorance has put me over the edge. How DARE we wish for smart, elite governance. How do you literally say that with derision? It's like, all you people who don't WANT morons running shit, I mean (sneer) what is wrong with you? Whatevs, I'm out.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      I comprehend your reaction. I'm 64, so I've watched some shit happen. On average, over five decades, the movement has been positive, although very fucking slow.

      It's depressing to find ourselves still assaulted by people who have not been touched by the Enlightenment, or any other aspects of the modern world.

      With age comes some perspective: (1) despite frequent setbacks, we've still moved forward in my lifetime; (2) I'm armed; (3) if it all goes to shit, the species has already survived at least one thousand-year Dark Age. The main thing is to avoid converting the ecosystem to cockroach-only.

  58. Negropolis

    Oh, God. Our little Lt. Governor is standing in the bleachers behind Mitt Romney (directly to the right of his head), like some common fanboy with his camera phone. Embarrassed.

    1. Negropolis

      Gag. Just noticed our fat-head Speaker of the House is standing directly behind him, too. What a bunch of fucking fauxnies.

  59. BarackMyWorld

    Is Michigan's primary proportional or winner-take-all? Because in the case of the former, the size of the victory DOES matter.

    1. Negropolis

      It's done by congressional district. They haven't done the calculations, but depending on the popular vote and where it is, Santorum could match Romney in delegates.

    2. Steverino247

      Proportional. In fact, it's so proportional that it is possible to win the popular vote and not get as many delegates as the guy who comes in 2nd.

  60. BarackMyWorld

    I'd actually answer that Obama DID fix the economy, but what do I (and all the economic evidence) know?