First, a moment of silence for Olympia Snowe, who has delivered a “blow to the GOP” by dying or something. [Takes nap.] Ha ha, Olympia Snowe. Anyway: Michigan! Will hometown football hero Mitt Romney lose it after all the abortionist Democrats show up and vote for their hero, Rick Santorum? Then again, Rick Santorum: Not likable either! Can’t we just declare that gay Mexifucker sheriff out there in Arizona president and “go back” to having meaningful lives again? Here is your liveblog/open thread thing for the next 100 hours.
8:00 — Things are starting; CNN is screaming at its viewers. Can Mitt Romney survive a CRIPPLING LOSS IN HIS HOME STATE? Or is Rick Santorum HITLER? Will Newt Gingrich EAT A LLAMA? Stay tuned for ARI FLEISCHER and GLORIA BORGER live from HELL (Atlanta?)
8:02 — How Things Will Go Tonight: Michigan counting will go on for 40 hours, because it will be so close, and Arizona won’t even have results until 10 p.m. Eastern (American) time. Ron Paul is going to give his victory speech soon, though! Let’s all order food, together.
8:04 — Newt Gingrich is walking out to give his speech at the college he pretended to teach at in the ’70s. His entrance music is the theme music for Hulk Hogan.
That’s enough Newt Gingrich speech coverage.
8:11 — “I’m going to take a couple of minutes, and tell a couple of stories” — Newt Gingrich after already telling stories for five minutes. It’s early, but take that tampon you’ve been vodka-soaking all day and put it up your butt, America.
8:16 — Newt Gingrich’s story about getting head from a tree is touching.
8:19 — ReSuLtS: Poopcum has a couple hundred votes on Mittens with about 1% of precincts reporting. Now let’s all go get cancer.
8:25 — “The votes are already coming in and they will accelerate” — Wolf Blitzer. We have 2% of precincts in and Rick Santorum is winning by four percentage points! Let’s call it for Ron Paul, right now.
8:28 — Former Citigroup/Goldman Sachs executive Erin Burnett suggests that there have been a lot of ad buys in Michigan and then offers to get us all high at the Moon Tower in 45 minutes.
8:35 — Did any of you liberal Michigan(d?)ers go out and vote for Rick Santorum today, and do you have stories/pix? We feel like it’s one of those things that sounds fun until you actually do it, at which point you realize you have no life whatsoever. But how is that news? Anyway, send us your stories/pix to firstname.lastname@example.org!
8:41 — Ron Paul is talking about the value of the dollar!
8:46 — FLASH: Back in Georgia:
8:57 — Wolf Blitzer promises to jump into a bowl of acid at the top of the hour, so stay tuned. “I uhh I uhh yeah” — Wolf Blitzer.
9:00 — ***DING DING DING DING**** Wolf Blitzer calls Arizona for Mitt Romney, based on the exit polls! BOO! BOO! (Although it does mean this thing ends earlier, so.)
9:01 — Thanks to this no-life-having friendly MichiganDer lady and blogger “THAT’S MRS. BITCH TO YOU!”, who voted for Rick Santorum today:
Dr. Gundry reveals the top 3 common foods that you would have never guessed were the cause of your fatigue.
Now, you know from reading this blog that I’m damn near impossible to embarrass — if there was any doubt left, this picture should have taken care of that — but, I was literally ashamed and embarrassed to have the people manning the voting registration table think that I might be a Republican when I signed for the Republican ballot to vote.
But I did it. I voted for ol’ dreamy, creamy, Frothy. Pardon me now while I go soak in a tub of bleach.
Thanks, MRS. BITCH.
9:11 — Crap! Romney’s up a bit in Michigan and “InTrade has his chances at 85%,” whatever that means. Could Mitt Romney actually win his home state?
9:17 — CNN is going to interview Ron Paul, shortly. Okay? Time for your Wonkette to eat dinner.
9:21 — MSNBC sounds pretty hot right now, via SorosBot: “Romney supporter Thaddeus McCotter, talking with Maddow, keeps talking about how wrong he was on the auto bailout. Great way to support your man Thad!” Remember when Thad McCotter was going to be president? It’s okay if you don’t.
9:25 — Ron Paul is accusing another politician (Rick Santorum) of believing in conspiracy theories.
9:34 — Ugh, this may be your Wonkette’s “transition from bad liveblog to open thread” moment. Via Intrade:
9:46 — Your Wonkette has been reporting! Here is a top-secret Gchat conversation with former Wonkette Character “Roommate Rob,” who now lives in Michigan!
me: Rob give me a QUOTE about “on the ground” conditions in Michigan
Rob: oh hi!
i live next to a polling station. i saw no one enter
walking around earlier there were paultards with cutouts made of plywood, looking like they were gonna go graffiti shit
me: did you make out with any of them?
did you vote for rick santorum?
Rob: well, one was this unattractive 40 year old, so sadly no
boy did i, it was great
me: seriously for serious?
Rob: haha no
i didn’t vote today
me: why do you hate america?
Rob: no one in ann arbor gives a shit about today’s election i think
because i hate white american jesus
and i’ve been indoctrinated in obama’s “colleges”
enjoying the live blog btw
“Roommate Rob” is everything that is wrong with this country.
10:10 — ****DING DING DING DING DING***DING* Romney wins Michigan, according to NBC News/AP. This sucks. Let’s point and laugh at him anyway. Goodnight!
10:28 — Rick Santorum: “Their uniforms were crisp and stiff.” Why is he talking about his bedsheets?