liar liar hair on fire

Mitt Romney Would Rather Lose Michigan Than Be Forced To Pander

There goes my nomination, down the drain, weeeee!

Mitt Romney may lose today’s primary in his home state of Michigan in spite of having won it in 2008 by a wide margin, so what’s the issue? Come now, Mitt Romney, don’t hold back your feelings, tell the world how you don’t even mind losing because you are grown sick of being the abused clown: “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support,” he says. THAT’S RIGHT, DAMMIT. Mitt Romney will immediately and categorically switch his position on absolutely any issue out there, but asking him to savage his pristine coif? Go pre-moisten one of Rick Santorum’s microphones for him if you want filth. It is Mitt Romney’s hair that we are talking about, right? Because it’s not like Mittens would seriously complain that his principled stances are what might cost him this primary, right?

Oh god, it is:

“We’ve seen throughout the campaign if you’re willing to say really outrageous things that are accusative, attacking of President Obama, that you’re going to jump up in the polls,” Romney said Tuesday. “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support. I am who I am.”

This is a good line of defense, to complain as a Republican candidate that you are being forced to attack the Democratic incumbent too much. Here, Mitt Romney will show you cretins how to be a gentleman in politics. Instead of fabricating bizarre stories about your opponent, you get up on stage and you make up bizarre stories about yourself:

Romney recalled he was “probably 4 or something like that” the day of the Golden Jubilee, when three-quarters of a million people gathered to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the American automobile.

“My dad had a job being the grandmaster. They painted Woodward Ave. with gold paint,” Romney told a rapt Tea Party audience in the village of Milford Thursday night, reliving a moment of American industrial glory.

The Golden Jubilee described so vividly by Romney was indeed an epic moment in automotive lore. The parade included one of the last public appearances by an elderly Henry Ford.

And it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born.

Now there’s a real pro for you. [The Hill/ Toronto Star]

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      1. Loaded_Pants

        Which is worse? Wallowing in santorum or swallowing it?
        –question from the Wonkette Diet Plan workbook.

      1. snackypants

        Exactly. With houses in Detroit going for $1, he probably could have had the entire state for not very much money, like $300k.

      1. Rotundo_

        It's stories like this that can still make me feel all warm and happy inside despite what 8 years of life under Dubya turned me into. I hope the nice folks in the local republican party felt the burn in a sensitive place. Ahhhhhh, makes me think of kittens and balls of yarn it does….

        1. Terry

          My friend works at one of the companies that does business with the auto companies. The GOP'ers coming out against the bailout and deliberately misrepresenting it has really chapped his hide.

      2. RavenRant

        Wouldn't it be great if there were enough Obama write-ins, they had to include the percentage in the election results?

        A girl can dream, can't she? *sigh

  1. nounverb911

    "And it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born."
    Romney was conceived at the Golden Jubilee parade?

    1. Nostrildamus

      He says he remembers it, so he probably got a brief glimpse as George's sperm packet was transferred aboard the Buick float.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      “probably 4 or something like that”

      Four minutes old (from the point of conception) is still a person!

    3. Rotundo_

      Yes, Mittens the lucky spermatophyte, was there on the end of the Governors unit just before plunging into the first lady of Michigan and with the rest of the ejaculate racing to reach the other half of that lucky combination that became Mitt Romney. I would imagine he remembers the muffled strains of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" as he swam toward the cervix hell bent for glory. Of course he could have mistaken digestive noises for it, as his undeveloped ears and central nervous system weren't exactly ready for prime time just yet.

  2. memzilla

    And [the Golden Jubilee] took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born.

    Fetus Rmoney saw it, with its prenatal psychic radar, so his story is true. Just ask Santorum.

  3. Callyson

    “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support”
    Well, of course not. That coiffed 'do would never hold a flame. That's the Frothy Mix' job…

  4. weej_bain

    And it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born

    And who doesn't remember things from when they were an eight cell zygote? I mean really!!!

    1. user-of-owls

      Good point. Why I myself recall the Pleistocene Era and that would have been when I was, what, maybe a four cell zygote?

  5. Callyson

    it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born.
    "Back in my day, we used to peer out of our wombs and see a world where the trees were just the right height…"

  6. MissTaken

    “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support,”

    Why does Mitt have to hate on Richard Pryor?

  7. user-of-owls

    That's roughly the equivalent of me saying I'd rather lose the Nobel Prize for Literature than be forced to wash behind my ears.

          1. FROTHY

            (Hugs the little avian) Take good care of yourself, don't deprive the world of your wonderful brilliant teaching for one second, and try to drop in once in a while, I miss you when it's been too long.

  8. JackObin

    My advice to you, Mitt, is to start drinking heavily. You want to rule a nation of blimps and morons, which can only be assuaged by 12-year-old Scotch.

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Romney can go back in time, why couldn't he prevent Obama from ruining the economy when he went back in time?

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Yep…Republican that she is, I've met her and admire her. Don't agree with her on a lot of stuff, but she's ok. What I was able to pick up is basically she's just tired of the shit. Ye gods…I can't wait for the Tea Party buffoon the GOP runs for her seat.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Well, since Maine tends toward cold winters, brisk fresh air, and sanity at the polls, perhaps they'll finally elect a Dem in her place.

      2. Terry

        I feel the same way. I disagree with her on various things, but I respect her and know she puts thought into decisions.

    2. ChernobylSoup

      Did she wait until after the Maine primary out of spite? Wouldn't the filing deadline have passed? So many questions.

  10. finallyhappy

    So when does the GOP roll out someone who is a real candidate instead of a crazy person? Aren't the current "candidates" just a Michael Moore joke?

  11. MissTaken

    What an ass. My mommy was 5 months preggers with me when she was at the bank that was robbed by the SLA and Patty Hearst and I don't go around pretending I was there. Asshole.

    1. SorosBot

      You'll never make it as a Republican politician, letting facts get in the way of what you wish was true like that.

    2. Chichikovovich

      Speak for yerself. When my mom was 3 months pregnant with me, she saw Ronnie Hawkins and the Hawks play some bar in Toronto, just before that incarnation of the Hawks left Hawkins to eventually join Dylan and become The Band.

      I remember it like it was yesterday.

      1. not that Dewey

        I felt the acoustic energy of the Who with Keith Moon at the Electric Theater/Kinetic Playground in Chicago, prenatally. It was awesome.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Ronnie was back doing the Toronto bars when I lived there in the early eighties, so I saw him many times. His main attraction was always that he had an excellent eye for talent and he made sure his bands practiced until they were tight. At that time he had a simply spectacular piano player named Stan Szelest who had played with him off and on since the early 60s. So those shows were always excellent.Never did get to see the original lineup Band since my zygotic experiences though. Saw the reunited Band minus Manuel and Robertson in Pittsburgh in the early 90s, but it was a bit depressing.—

  12. SorosBot

    There's probably something in Mormon theology that explains that Mitt saw the parade because the sperm and egg that would form him were there.

    1. natoslug

      Well, if you've ever had to sit through "Saturday's Warrior" or whatever the fuck it is called, you'll know that before you are born, you are a spirit, cold hanging out in heaven with all of your buddies, drinking and fucking and having a good time, staring down at everything happening on earth while waiting for a body to be born into. Mitt obviously didn't have his mind properly cleared before crossing the veil when he was finally given a family to be born into. Once again, thank the fucking god I don't believe in that my wife lost her mormonhood. I don't think I could stand watching any more of those movies.

        1. natoslug

          I'm glad for me as well. One nice thing about a good Mormon woman is that they're quite willing to believe in extra women in a relationship. Thank you, Mormon Jesus!

        1. natoslug

          Working. The revolution can't come quick enough if it means no more implementing blink tags in the html for the 99%. Yeah, I had to include a fucking blink tag today. Is it 1993 again? If so, I'm ready for reckless sex with college girls. Otherwise, fuck this.

  13. imissopus

    That magnificent coif is a national treasure. Setting it aflame would be a tragedy on a par with 9/11, times a trillion. Mitt loves this country too much to do that to us.

  14. JackDempsey1

    Maybe he got confused with some other golden parade on some other golden day in Detroit.
    That place—–it's Parade City.

  15. Mahousu

    Santorum sees today's gas prices causing the housing market collapse four years ago; Romney, at age four, saw a Golden Jubilee that happened before he was born. Clearly, today's Republicans have evolved past the old rationalist, linear, cause-and-effect, Newtonian perspective that all the rest of us are still mired in.

    GOP – the Quantum Party.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      For a guy who shuttles between parallel universes on a regular basis (where Mitt is variously pro- and anti-choice, pro-and anti-healthcare, pro-and anti-gun control, etc.), time travel should be a piece of cake.

  16. Dudleydidwrong

    If Mitt's hair was on fire, I'm wondering what percentage of the Michigan (or US) population would piss on him to put it out. I know I wouldn't, but then I can't shoot as far as I used to…

    1. ttommyunger

      Piss on Mittens? Shit, I promised myself when I finished my second hitch I'd never stand in line again.

  17. edgydrifter

    Maybe he should reconsider his stance on burning hair. I'm told Blackbeard the pirate found it quite effective.

  18. arihaya

    it's not that he doesn't want to pander,

    it's that his handlers realized that pandering will be useless with Weird Rick's barrage of stupidity in recent days

  19. Ruhe

    "And it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born."

    Romney's sheepish response to his "handler": "I mean, seriously, who checks on shit like that? What kind of geek just goes and googles my birthdate and the Jubilee date and, you know, like a fucking geek, actually does the math? Who?"

  20. Joshua Norton

    I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support.

    Why not? Then it would go with his pants.

  21. BarackMyWorld

    “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support."

    Let's remember that line in October.

  22. pinkocommi

    Why light your hair on fire when you can just show us your magic underwear? Or is that what makes the underwear magic?

    1. Terry

      Kid Rock evidently didn't read a certain op-ed and somehow missed a certain campaign ad filmed in Detroit.

  23. MissTaken

    Only poorz pander. Rich people make up bullshit stories to make them sound like they can relate to the underclass. That's not pandering at all.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Gee-zus. This is a bad move on his supporters' part since there's been a growing amount or research that indicates mental illness can be genetic. So saying his sister is mentally ill also implies that he may be mentally ill. And, from what's been reported, it seems like he might be a bit (if not a lot) "off".

  24. doloras

    Usually you need to pay the Church of Scientology more than $10,000 to remember things from that early down your Time Track.

  25. mavenmaven

    That's why it doesn't really matter to him if he actually wins or not, he can always imagine that he was President, and recall what that was like, just like he can recall things about his father or his childhood that didn't happen.

  26. Mumbletypeg

    I’m not willing to light my hair on fire

    Not even to be included in the 21st century follow-up volume of photojournamalism, "Let Us Now Praise Flame-ous Men"?

    1. Loaded_Pants

      In this respect, Mittens can claim he's just like Ronald Reagan. Remember that RR claimed he was there at the liberation of Auschwitz & filmed footage there himself.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        I've always been amazed that the Republican faithful could just brush that one off as "oh, well". I think that's when I finally realized that they just don't pay any attention to objective reality.

        This is, unfortunately, likely to turn out to be a bug, rather than just a feature, in the human species.

  27. mrsbitch

    If there is a god, Santorum will win Michigan by one vote – mine. I almost puked on the nice lady's shoes when I handed her the registration to get a Republican ballot, but I did it.

    There is nothing I would love more than to have the equivalent of a male Michele Bachmann go up against Barry. I mean, run against Barry. I mean be the Republican contender for President in the next election.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      I was going to throw a turd into the punch bowl for Ron Paul or Fred Karger, but just didn't have the heart for it.

      1. mrsbitch

        Turd? I think that would have automatically been counted as a vote for Frothy.

        You should have gone and voted. I think I had more fun casting this vote than I did voting for Barry and meaning it.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      Open primary coming up here in VA. Too bad Santorum didn't make the ballot. I would have voted for him simply for the possibility that he'd get the nomination & the Thugs would get their asses kicked in November. But it's only going to be Paul & Romney on the ballot. I'll vote for Paul to do my own little part to muddy the waters. But I know that Romney will probably win here since he got the endorsement of Herr McDonnell.

  28. Chet Kincaid

    What, is he playing "Huntsman" now? He has just realized that spectacular, bigoted lies about Obama are undignified? Well there's still time for him to get a job in the Administration and quit it before the convention. Maybe "Secretary Of Romneycare."

  29. Chichikovovich

    I listened to my answering machine a few minutes ago, and it was all "Hi I'm Mitt Romney.." beep "This is Anne Romney and I hope…" beep! "Hi I'm Mitt…" beep "Hi I'm… beep "Hi…"

    A couple of freakin' stalkers is what they are. Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction calibre.

  30. Toomush_Infer

    Well, I for one am glad to see that Mitt has limits, and that we know now what they are….but…just for the record…..could he set the Donald's hair on fire?…

  31. finallyhappy

    Is it November yet??? Can't we just get the Prez reelected and be done with these throwback morons????

  32. Mojopo

    One time, when I was five, I ate one hundred million Marathon Candy bars and pooped caramel for about six weeks.

    This other time, when I was six, my father had to decline a chance to walk on the moon because NASA realized he would most likely steal Buzz Aldrin's thunder.

    I remember everything like it was yesterday.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      His recent comments about how many vehicles he & his family owns & how he doesn't know NASCAR fans but owners of NASCAR teams seem to indicate that he's not pandering at all.
      He knows he's fucked up with such comments. His next step to fix his image will be saying things along the lines of:
      "I know what most Americans are going through right now, economically. We have not been able to find good help to work in any of our 12 houses. Because, y'know, I like firing people."

    1. Designer_Rants

      Good read!

      That’s what the Wall Street Journal’s James Taranto does today in one of his wheezy columns insisting that liberals don’t understand real Americans as well as this longtime fixture at a New York City-based finance industry-aimed daily newspaper.

  33. FROTHY

    Oh GAWD, Kirsten Boyd Johnson!! Why do you not understand about MORMON SPIRIT BABBIES? Don't you know how BABBY IS FORMED?

    Mitt was there I tells ya!

  34. OneYieldRegular

    If Mitt is willing to play like Santorum, that Golden Jubilee story could make for one hell of an argument against abortion.

  35. DahBoner

    You know, when Obama brings all those jobs back to America, they're going to kick out all those yuppies out of those loft apartments, so they can convert it back to a factory…

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