Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Not at all a whiny prickSmegma-lipped poutmonster Rick Santorum, continuing his streak of saying only and at all times sensible and logically sound things, reminded Americans today that it was President B. HUSSEIN Obama who retroactively caused the housing crash because of how he is a Gaia-worshipping lesbian Wiccan dildonic priestess who hates America, and low gas prices, and Jesus. Obama is also a time traveler, because he went back to 2008 before he was even elected and caused the financial collapse. Witches can do this!

Santorum, a “stealth lobbyist” for energy companies after his 18-point Senate loss to Pennsylvania Democrat Bob Casey (who, in a wacky twist, was actually dead!), clarified for voters in Michigan that it was not in fact CitiBank or Countrywide or any other tacky Wall Street grifters who looted the American economy. Rather, he said, “The bubble burst in housing because people couldn’t pay their mortgages because of $4 a gallon gasoline.”

Non-Santorum economists reached by various outlets stroked their beards, nodded sagely, and explained in a terribly boring and wonky manner that Santorum, per usual, was gumming a mouthful of Lies! Discussing just one possible issue with Santorum’s incisive explication of Stuff (and not, say, that people couldn’t pay their mortgages because they paid $1.2 million for a three-bedroom Costa Mesa tract house), some guy said this:

On content, this seems like a pretty clear case of getting the direction wrong. Lehman fails in September 2008 and the economy collapses. That leads gasoline prices to plunge precipitously (check out the price series at Gas Buddy and click on the 5-year or 4-year graph) according to all analysts at the time because people understand output will be falling, not the other way around.

On the off-chance that every economist in the world (except, to Rick’s rescue: the American Enterprise Institute!) was wrong about this, and Bible-study genius Rick Santorum was right, here too is Santorum’s explanation of how President Suavay was responsible for those gas prices rising in the first place, and thus Destroying Forever America:

Santorum accused Obama of advocating for higher gas prices to protect the environment.
“He actually believes this is a good thing for America, I don’t,” he said. “We are not here to serve the Earth, but to be stewards of the Earth.”

Lesbian moon-witches caused the Great Recession, The End. [Buzzfeed]

Game Of US America Elections: The Card Game - Back Us On Kickstarter
Previous articleMedia World Implodes On Itself, Sprays Santorum Everywhere
Next articleVirginia Senate Passes Marginally Less Rapey Ultrasound Bill