Noted Economist Rick Santorum: Witch Obama Caused Housing Crash

  'i'm not a witch'

Not at all a whiny prickSmegma-lipped poutmonster Rick Santorum, continuing his streak of saying only and at all times sensible and logically sound things, reminded Americans today that it was President B. HUSSEIN Obama who retroactively caused the housing crash because of how he is a Gaia-worshipping lesbian Wiccan dildonic priestess who hates America, and low gas prices, and Jesus. Obama is also a time traveler, because he went back to 2008 before he was even elected and caused the financial collapse. Witches can do this!

Santorum, a “stealth lobbyist” for energy companies after his 18-point Senate loss to Pennsylvania Democrat Bob Casey (who, in a wacky twist, was actually dead!), clarified for voters in Michigan that it was not in fact CitiBank or Countrywide or any other tacky Wall Street grifters who looted the American economy. Rather, he said, “The bubble burst in housing because people couldn’t pay their mortgages because of $4 a gallon gasoline.”

Non-Santorum economists reached by various outlets stroked their beards, nodded sagely, and explained in a terribly boring and wonky manner that Santorum, per usual, was gumming a mouthful of Lies! Discussing just one possible issue with Santorum’s incisive explication of Stuff (and not, say, that people couldn’t pay their mortgages because they paid $1.2 million for a three-bedroom Costa Mesa tract house), some guy said this:

On content, this seems like a pretty clear case of getting the direction wrong. Lehman fails in September 2008 and the economy collapses. That leads gasoline prices to plunge precipitously (check out the price series at Gas Buddy and click on the 5-year or 4-year graph) according to all analysts at the time because people understand output will be falling, not the other way around.

On the off-chance that every economist in the world (except, to Rick’s rescue: the American Enterprise Institute!) was wrong about this, and Bible-study genius Rick Santorum was right, here too is Santorum’s explanation of how President Suavay was responsible for those gas prices rising in the first place, and thus Destroying Forever America:

Santorum accused Obama of advocating for higher gas prices to protect the environment.
“He actually believes this is a good thing for America, I don’t,” he said. “We are not here to serve the Earth, but to be stewards of the Earth.”

Lesbian moon-witches caused the Great Recession, The End. [Buzzfeed]

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203 comments

  1. Barb

    Smegma! That's going to be the name of my new girl band. "The Cum Dumpsters of Wasilla" was too big for the banner.

    1. BigDumbRedDog

      I was totally into Smegma before they were cool. Now that everyone else listens to them they pretty much suck.

      1. prommie

        My freshman year of college, 1980, we nicknamed a kid in the dorm "Jizzum Smegtree," because that ryhmed with his real name. We also memorized the Websters definition, "The foul-smelling, cheeselike, sebacious secretion that collects under the foreskin and around the clitoris." So you see, I was into Smegma first.

        1. BigDumbRedDog

          Okay, you win. I was just mastering the art of tying my own shoes in 1980. Now hold still while I tie this onion on your belt.

        2. Nothingisamiss

          "….and that kid grew up, changed his name, and is now known as…..Rick Santorum.

          Now you know the REST of the story."

        3. Swampgas_Man

          There must've been something in the air in 1980. My high school Unitarian Fellowship group memorized that word on our trip to the gulf of Mexico.

    2. hagajim

      If you're one of the cum dumpsters of Wasilla you probably have a smegma problem…so twould be fitting.

  2. Crank_Tango

    Of course Nobama caused the crash and we are never going to recover, for it is well known that once you go blah you never go bah.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I'm of the impression that most of the Republican boys I grew up with enjoyed a little baaaah on the side, whether white or blah.

      Oh, you weren't talking about sheep?

  3. BloviateMe

    He would blame Obama for being the man on the grassy knoll, except that he disapproves of grassy knolls used for anything but procreation. Don't even get him started on shaved knolls.

  4. ph7

    “We are not here to serve the Earth, but to be stewards of the Earth.”

    Rick the Stewardess secretly wishes to be placed in an upright and locked position.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      And by we, he means the rest of us, not the Santorum family and its sponsors – after all, that's what education is for – to make more good butlers and footmen…

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          I recently took a bunch of Tull off of my mp3 player and talked about it on my FB page. You'd think I did something horrible. Shit, I still like the band, but I wanted to make room for new stuff.

          I think many of my friends are stuck in the 70s.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            You should have told your FB friends that you really wouldn't mind if they'd just sit this one out.

  5. LettucePrey

    Santorum Logic 101:

    Sex between two consenting adults, with contraception:
    "It's not OK. It's a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be… if it's not for purposes of procreation, then you diminish this very special bond between men and women."

    Rape that results in pregnancy:
    "Accept the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you… make the best out of a bad situation."

    Santorum is an asshole. Pun intended.

    1. JustPixelz

      Rick's rape rule. By his logic, the victim should thank her rapist gift giver. And it's an affront to God to put people like that in jail. Your move Ricky.

  6. sbj1964

    Rick is a dick! The far right deserves this prick.If he had another shitck that would be the shit.But he just makes us sick.Rap on !

    1. YasserArraFeck

      That prick Rick needs that schtick shoved up his ass (sorry, couldn't come up with and anus-pertaining word that ended with "-ick")

          1. Swampgas_Man

            Definitely squicky.

            Too bad Babeu's Mexican lover isn't involved in this, or it would be. . . . Hispanic.

    2. James Michael Curley

      The beautiful thing about the way the far right has been headed in the last four years is that when they lose they always claim its because of some mysterious liberal cabal. This then justifies going farther to the right and further out on the limb they are slowly sawing off the political spectrum.

    3. tessiee

      Rick is a prick because his dick is only as thick as a Bic (ballpoint pen).
      It makes him sick that every other dick is one he doesn't get to lick.

      1. SorosBot

        It's also how he managed to forge his birth certificate in Hawaii even though he was supposedly just a baby so he could run for President even though he's really a native born citizen of Gallifrey and hundreds of years old! Wake up, sheeple!

    1. mrpuma2u

      Well duh! How else did he go back in time and fake those Honolulu newspaper birth announcements? They weren't going to write themselves!!!

  7. ThundercatHo

    Jesus rode a donkey so he didn't give a shit about gas prices and the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse won't either.

    btw: Gaia thinks you're a whiny, weasel-dicked, butt-licking, titty baby.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      He has the good sense not to let Biden anywhere near it. Crazy fucker would slap a screaming chicken decal on the hood, hang fuzzy dice from the rearview, and get a "SEXYYVP" vanity plate. You like your ride, you keep it away from ol' Joe.

  8. YasserArraFeck

    If by "steward" you mean "one who fucks the living shit out of that which he is supposed to be safeguarding". Santorum-ese is such a flexible language…..

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      I am now terrified about the cruise I'm taking next month. Will my cabin steward be allowed to do that?

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But don't you all see? God is all knowing and all powerful. As such, he knew that we were about to elect a Black, Muslim, Kenyan Socialist, Atheist, Commie to the White House, and sent his punishment against us before we got there to make sure we knew why we were being punished.

  10. Texan_Bulldog

    Ricky, for being such a sainted Christian, is kind of a dick and doesn't seem to mind violating the bearing false witness commandment & do unto others credo.

    I think even Jesus is shaking his head and wincing every time Ricky opens his mouth.

  11. prommie

    This is all perfectly logical and easily explainable, children. Form a circle here around me, and I will lay some truth on you, so you can see that Saint Rick of Frothy Secretions is actually right about this.
    You see, everyone knows that it is the blahs who caused the housing crisis. That is, the blahs, and the liberal satan-worshippers. It went down like this: the blah-loving liberals wanted to scuttle the US financial industry, to hasten our descent into godless communism, of course, so they devised a fiendish plan to bring this about. They decided to force the hard-working, industrious bankers to make mortgage loans to shiftless, irresponsible blacks!

  12. prommie

    Part 2: What happened with all those loans to the shiftless blahs? Everyone knows a blah can't repay a loan, why, they go out and buy cadillacs and crack whenever they get their hands on money, so the banks were rightly horrified, but the evil socialist liebruls forced the banks to loan trillions of dollars to crackheads. Of course, the shiftless negroes took the money and blew it all on watermelon and fried chicken and crack, and then immediately defaulted on their mortgages, resulting in the housing collapse.
    And where was Barack Obama? Why, the whole time this was going on, he was busy being both black (at least, halfrican) AND a socialist-liebrul-Kenyan community organizer. So really, Obama is actually TWICE as responsible for this whole mess as either blacks or liberals alone are, because he is the combination of BOTH of the causes of the crisis, which, again, was blacks and liberals, those twin scourges that keep destroying all that is good in our society.

  13. DaRooster

    “We are not here to serve the Earth, but to be stewards of the Earth.”

    Fuck you and your "Holier Than Thou Shit"! We are doing a horrific job of being "stewards" of the Earth… your party, and it's beliefs are the reasons that this planet is going to collapse below our feet. The world will go on and we will not be allowed to enjoy it anymore. I hope that your brood (and others like them) will see the stupidity of their "stewards" and be able to do something about it…
    (Yes I know y'all… it is more than likely too late but I would still like to see their kids give 'em hell for their Mormonisms)

    1. DaRooster

      (I just notice that spell check isn't always great… that last word was supposed to be-)

      MORONISMS!

    2. NYNYNYjr

      Steward: A ship's officer who is in charge of provisions and dining arrangements.

      It's time to follow the Bible and make some mother fucking dining arrangements for this planet.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    What is interesting to me is that Gingrich keeps saying that he wants to return the US to the gas prices at the time Obama was elected.

    I assume that means he wants to see the economy go down in flames again.

    And, let's face it, he is just the man to do that.

  15. SorosBot

    I guess no one told Rick that the only way to reduce gas prices is to reduce demand. He needs to learn a bit about economics.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      In case you haven't noticed, gasoline demand is down, gasoline stocks are so high production is slowing, but prices are still rising. Maybe he's right.

      1. MissTaken

        No he's not. Gasoline prices are currently high because Crude Oil is traded on a global market. Demand in fast growing countries like India and China are far exceeding the amounts that producers, including the US, can create. Plus the uncertainty with the Iran supply is making everyone worried that there won't be enough to go around – which is the reality.

        US is actually a net exporter of oil for the first time in decades. This is why 'drill, baby, drill' won't lower our own prices. That oil that is drilled will still be sold on the global markets and held to prices that the global marketplace can sustain, which is currently around $106 per barrel.

        Sorry, but high gas prices are here to stay.

        1. DaRooster

          Thom Hartmann told me (well, on his show last week) that our #1 export is now gasoline and the reason the price, at least domestically, is up is due to lower demand here. Also with all of the filled tankers sitting off of our coasts it is truly all a farce put out by big oil.
          It is surprising because it doesn't seem like there is less traffic… and there is definitely more idiots driving around.

        2. SorosBot

          Yeah, the whole "drill, baby, drill" nonsense is complete bullshit, because whether our gas is produced domestically or imported means nothing to the prices, since oil is a fully fungible product traded on a global scale.

          And it's sexy when you get all expert on people, sweetie.

        3. GOPCrusher

          No, but by Gawd, the Tea Baggers I work with still won't shut up about that TransCanada pipeline bullshit.

          1. MissTaken

            Funny thing, the fact that there is no pipeline making it feasible to pump the drilled oil to the gulfshore means that the middle states are currently experiencing much cheaper gas prices than the rest of the country. If that pipeline was built all that US/Canada drilled oil would be sent abroad and sold off globally. Instead it's stuck here and used locally. Weird!
            http://blog.gasbuddy.com/posts/No-Keystone-XL-mea

          2. flamingpdog

            True dat. Here in the Square State I gagged last night to see that the price of regular had shot all the way up to $3.09 per gallon.

  16. Mumbletypeg

    “The bubble burst in housing
    because people couldn’t pay their mortgages
    because of $4 a gallon gasoline.”

    Might be too late, as someone here has observed, to retro-abort this worm; but here, it does sound as if he were recently dropped on the head and developed a bad case of Scattergories.

    I'd hate to see him in a poetry slam –

    "In Flanders Fields
    Did Kubla Khan
    A poem lovely as a tree."

    Eh, if it carries the alliterative or iambic component and sounds nice, who cares if it has any load-bearing comport or meaning or truth to it, right?

    1. tessiee

      I'd hate to see him in a poetry slam –

      "In Flanders Fields
      Did Kubla Khan
      A poem lovely as a tree."

      Haw!
      I did that with the radio a couple days ago:
      "How do I sleep when the bed's on fire?
      Oh, oh; livin' on a prayer"

  17. littlebigdaddy

    At my high school, there was a character who was, I now realize, a Goth before that was a thing, who went by the name Count Smegma. I'm not sure I ever knew his real name, but he's probably a gooper politician these days.

  18. flamingpdog

    after his 18-point Senate loss to Pennsylvania Democrat Bob Casey (who, in a wacky twist, was actually dead!)

    So that's zombie Bob Casey sitting in one of the Pennsylvania seats in the Senate today? BRAAAAAAAAINZ!!!

  19. memzilla

    Sadly, one-third of America will believe him. That would be the same one-third of America that approved of GW Shrub's job performance in 2008, gets its news from any Murdoch-controlled media, and will reliably vote Rethuglican in 2012.

    Fortunately — and I say this as an old white guy — this demographic is reliably white and old, and is shrinking.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      How old is old? I thought everybody born after my siblings (beginning in '45, myself in '60) was going to be hip and enlightened, but I have been violently disabused of that notion since…well, since 1980, come to think of it.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I dunno. Gingrich seems to have peaked quite a few times with quite a few ladies. Not to mention C-Street, too.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    The Santorums have a deep understanding of the effect-and-cause relationship that goes on in the world, which is why it seem so confusing and obscure to those of us who aren't getting revelations directly from The LORD. Why, Karen Santorum herself recently explained that it was Obamacare that persuaded her to let her husband run for president — because if their seriously disabled daughter were exposed to healthcare, it would surely kill her.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      No, dirty GOVERNMENT healthcare would kill her. The kind of health care Rick and his family used to get b/c he was a Representative. Good thing they had her after he was canned.

  21. UnholyMoses

    steward: n., "a person who manages another's property or financial affairs; one who administers anything as the agent of another or others."

    Um, Ricky? It's God's planet in your eyes, right?

    So when did he tell you that we're here to rape it into oblivion, taking its resources and leaving destruction in our wake and, thus, making it utterly inhabitable for our species?

    'Cause if that's the case, your God is a bigger dick than you are.

    1. PubOption

      According to at least one wingnut, when the true Christians have finished destroying this planet, the Lord will send them to a new one. I didn't tell him how Mormon he sounded.

  22. Chichikovovich

    “We are not here to serve the Earth, but to be stewards of the Earth.”

    We are, in fact, here to serve man. It's all explained in this book we have for you – you just need to translate it.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Hey, the end of the world is no big deal to me, because I'll have all this time to finally read all the books I want! Now, where are my glasses…

  23. Goonemeritus

    To blame the crash of the housing market on gas prices is like saying the Buddhist Monk covered in gasoline and sitting in the middle of the town square would have been fine if he wasn’t a smoker.

  24. Chichikovovich

    Rick is really losing the thread. Everybody knows that the housing market collapsed because of the Obama administration's unprecedented attack on religious faith.

  25. Toomush_Infer

    On the other hand, Obama's speech to the UAW today was so hot it was smokin'!…clearly the devil….

  26. elburritodeluxe

    Santorum has a great racket going of:
    a. He says something stupid
    b. The news media picks it up and asks him to explain
    c. He gets free airtime for a few seconds of bullshit explanation; and
    d. He goes back to donors and asks for money to help defend him from (Jew) media liberals

  27. Callyson

    Yeah, it was all Obama's fault…he's the one who pushed those interest – only mortgages, the securitization of said mortgages and the subsequent rating of them as safe investments, the mania in the housing market that said "buy now because prices will only keep going up! you can always refinance!"
    Santorum is full of it…more so…

    1. bikerlaureate

      All of the financial and investing and rating firms are never, ever, EVAR responsible for anything being lost. The sweet whispers of campaign cash told me so.

  28. Deportably_Jose

    “We are not here to serve the Earth, but to be stewards of the Earth.”

    Rick Santorum apparently has no idea what the word "steward" means, because SAT words, like everything else pertaining to college, is for snobs.

  29. actor212

    So lemme get this straight: Conservatives will argue that gas prices when Bush left office were only $2.50 a gallon as a reason not to vote for Obama, but Obama took office and gas prices were already $4 a gallon so people couldn't pay their mortgages.

    I seriously gotta get the Tardis these guys bought.

  30. Wilcoxyz

    You know, my cable bill used to be cheaper. Before this Obama was elected. Now it costs more! Draw your own conclusions.

  31. prommie

    BTW, demand for gasoline is down, production is fine, and in fact there is something of a glut. The spike in prices this spring is entirely the work of the real rulers of the world today, speculators, Goldman Sacks and the commodities futures markets it created. The finance industry is charging a 50 cent tax on every gallon of gas, isn't that some spiffy work?

    1. Geminisunmars

      You lie! Everyone knows that the preznit controls prices on everything. He's just trying to lord it over us non-blahs.

  32. FakaktaSouth

    Barney Frank and his army of Homosexual Urban Dominionists straight out of Taxachussetts plotted with Barack Obama to make white, straight, anti sex, anti absolute separation of church and state, anti education people's houses worth less and their F150 truck-food cost more. Specifically.
    Do you know how hard I wish this really WAS the way the world worked?

    1. prommie

      Years ago, when conservatives would start whining about the "liberal media," I would say, "yeah, thank God we have that on our side, and academia, too." But now, we have lost the media (happened that November night in 2000 when Jack Welch barged into the NBC New York news studio and yelled "Who do I have to fire to get you people to call this election for Bush?"), and the movement conservatives have started building these Potemkin Colleges, look just like real colleges, so they have set up an alternative, "opposite academia" which is eroding the real academia. The world is going to hell fast, lets just throw ourselves into mindless hedonism and dance among the flames; you with me?

  33. KeepFnThatChicken

    “We are not here to serve the Earth, but to be stewards of the Earth.”

    Then get to it, asshole!

  34. SpiderCrab

    Ricky Rickster just can't make peace with the fact that Karen let her pro-choice obgyn pork her every night for five fucking years, even though said obgyn had no interest at all in making babies.

  35. BornInATrailer

    Obama is going to do cartwheels on the front lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave if Frothy takes Michigan.

  36. mavenmaven

    It was all a retroactive plan to destroy Merka, from the phony ads placed back in Hawaii at the time of Obama's birth, through the Vietnam loss that he engineered as a child, through his final rise to power after destroying the economy behind the scenes as a community activist. He is the Communist-Green-Satan reincarnate, eternal foe of White-People-Jesus.

  37. MissTaken

    I like it when smart men teach me the complicated things my silly little girl brain can't understand. Especially when they get the facts all fucked up and backwards. Thank you, Rick!

    1. SorosBot

      That's because you're just a girl, so you need some mansplaining on everything, even subjects where you're an expert and the man has no clue what he's talking about.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Oh, that is an excellent word! You see, it combines "man" and "explain" in a way that mocks the male desire to appear omnipotently erudite, as well as lampooning the self-regard that assumes lesser beings couldn't possibly understand a topic without a detailed exegesis from the "mansplainer." There are a lot of contexts in which this could be used, for example…

    2. tessiee

      *fake southern accent*
      Why, how DO you think of such smart things, Sir?
      I declare, if I tried to think of such things, my li'l ol' brain would like to bust!

  38. OneYieldRegular

    Santorum appears to be wandering just slightly off of the approved Republican script, which reads: Obama bad! Republicans good! Oooga booga! (scratch armpit).

  39. V572 Flambé

    In a weird way Rick is right. The thing that is making people so angry is that they bought houses at the edge of nowhere for fear they'd miss out on the house price boom (and of course to escape the Blahs and Messicans), and they have to spend an hour each way in the car listening to El Rushbo tell them it's all the Colored Man's fault that a tank of gas in the Explorer costs 72 Ameros.

  40. BarackMyWorld

    I love how it never occurred to Santorum the rise on energy prices in the last decade had ANYTHING to do with the wars he voted for….fucking idiot.

  41. poncho_pilot

    wait. so he wants everyone to be renamed Stewart? or everyone who isn't named Stewart is an abomination?

  42. Slim_Pickins

    Ricky also knows that FDR caused the 1929 stock market collapse and subsequent depression by being elected in 1932.

  43. mermera

    “We are not here to serve the Earth, but to be stewards of the Earth.” BRILLIANT!!!! This has to be the genius that invented whiskey in a bottle. I bet he uses condoms to keep his breath fresh and clean.

  44. hagajim

    For me, the saddest thing about the Santorum that Ricky keeps spewing, is that there are enough stupid 'Merikans that they might just fucking buy the froth he's selling.

  45. a_pink_poodle

    “We are not here to serve the Earth, but to be stewards of the Earth.”

    I suspect those two things are the same.

  46. Guppy

    “The bubble burst in housing because people couldn’t pay their mortgages because of $4 a gallon gasoline an hour wages.”

    Fixed it for him, but I suspect the 4% top tier effective tax rate doesn't help much either.

  47. horsedreamer_1

    Prolly not a good idea to bag on foreclosures when you're trying to "shock the world" in Michigan.

  48. Doktor Zoom

    Oh dear…I'm afraid I looked at the site. It's Full Timecube, right down to "call the FBI and tell them to stop torturing me and my family."

    Civil Liberties puzzler: Is there a way to get help for someone whose website suggests that they may be deranged?

Comments are closed.