sex ed

Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant

An elderly lifelong bachelor who lives with hundreds of other old, single men in a stylish European capital city has given strict orders to the world’s women and married heterosexual couples on the allowable methods for human impregnation. Dressed in flowing silken capes and a bejeweled silken hat, the childless old man described his religion’s required process for creating new human life forms:

“The human and Christian dignity of procreation, in fact, doesn’t consist in a ‘product’, but in its link to the conjugal act, an expression of the love of the spouses of their union, not only biological but also spiritual,” the Daily Mail quoted Pope Benedict XVI as saying.

Sperm or egg donation and methods such as IVF are banned for members of the Catholic church.

The man, who spent his youth as an actual Nazi in the “Hitler Youth” army, is also stridently against the legal prosecution of his fellow Catholic priests who fuck little boys. [Hindustan Times]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Go put your Pope goggles back on and ignore the abuses of the Catholic church, Ratzi.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      I assume Pope goggles make sex invisible. Kinda the way Xtians think Mary was a virgin and Jesus kiss from Judas was totally non-gay.

  • edgydrifter

    "The human and Christian dignity of procreation… blah blah… conjugal act… blah… not only biological but spiritual."

    Sounds to me like Pope Ratzi doesn't know his birds and bees.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      How would he, how could he? He's never fucked a woman in his life, he doesn't even know HOW BABBY IS FORMED!!

    • Swampgas_Man

      He probably thinks it involves an actual bee fucking an actual bird.

  • Callyson

    Giving a whole new meaning to WWJD…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Who would Jeebus do?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        *Some*body's just full of fire and brimstone tonight. (edges nervously towards the door)

      • Beowoof

        Well in the DaVinci Code didn't he bang Mary Magdalene?

        • Geminisunmars

          Transubvagination?

    • Neoyorquino

      We want Jack Daniels?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Just a shot, hon, straight.

    • BarackMyWorld

      What in the World are these Jerks Doing?

    • Swampgas_Man

      What would Jesus Doink?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Women's Wombs? Deposit Jizz.

    • MosesInvests

      More like WTF.

      • finallyhappy

        What Would Jews Do? Whatever we want!

  • WinterOuthouse

    'doesn't consist in a product' what the hell is that stuff all over the sheets asshole?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Santorum?

  • ttommyunger

    Unthinkable ignorance, unbelievable denial, unforgivable deception; your Catholic Church in action.

    • WinterOuthouse

      You tell 'em baby.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Huh, so was I the only one who went about getting pregnant through "fucking"?

    • Mondo_Cane

      I'm sure the act was 'dignified' –

      also –

    • Swampgas_Man

      Formalwear required. "Dignity", y'know.

  • LagunaB

    To be a good catholic you actually have to sin otherwise you would have nothing to confess. And then came Vatican II.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    He doesn't follow women as closely as some of their most ardent fans, but he has some friends who are owners of women.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      I don't know where I read it over the weekend, probly TPM, but apparently, RMONEY's people are mad at him about being so apologetic about his wealth and his tin ear, and they want him to get all up in everyone's beezwax about it. They want him to act like Donald Trump. They say that Donald Trump is obnoxious about his wealth, and everybody LERVES the Donald, and Mitt should act the same way.

      Mitt put it into practice this weekend. I have been LMFAO hysterically all fucking weekend, imagining the MittBot trying to act like Trump, and the ensuing hilarity that is bound to follow. Is it possible that President Barack Obama's people are secretly advising Mittens? Or is it some disgruntled individual who lost everything to Bain Capital, getting his revenge? Because if anything will guarantee that Mittens loses by a fucking thundering avalanche …

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        They probably want him to leave 1% tips, too. To support the principle of putting the working class in their place.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          I'm telling ya. Every hour or so, I stop and think about it and I laugh until I'm rolling around pounding the pillows and the floor. Who the FUCK is giving this guy advice and why are they so cruel? So here he goes now, puffing himself up sump'n terrible, going, Hey, if you don't like me, vote for the OTHER guy. Srsly. Barack Obama has some monster fucking killer juju, man. He couldn't have PRAYED for better opponents.

      • HempDogbane

        A couple bankruptcies and a bad haircut would give him the Trump effect.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          Eh, no luck. He just said today that he's not setting his hair on fire to win this. That would mean he's got WAY too much hair to do the Trump effect. Damn.

  • Limeylizzie

    No wonder I missed this, my copy of the Hindustan Times wasn't in my mailbox today.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Arre, baap-re! Who was to know that you were getting THAT paper also, only?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      No longer keeping tabs on the Raj?

  • V572 Flambé

    Well, yeah, they sodomize/torture children…but at least they're not gay!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Time to steal some Holy Water, mix it with liquid styptic and razzzberry extract, freeze it, and then sell the product as PopeCicles on Easter Sunday. That'll tighten them up even moar.

      • Boojum_Reborn

        Papal Encyclicles?

  • HateMachine

    It makes me happy that the raiment that was once (like, in the Dark Ages) considered awe-inspiring is now properly recognized as just super campy.

    It also makes me indescribably happy to see people taking up George Carlin's old suggestion that religious leaders be reported on a similar fashion to UFO watchers. "The noted Jesus buff, one Mr. Joseph Ratzinger, insisted that he be called 'Benedict Ex Vee Eye'"

    • Guppy

      Unfortunately, this particular religious leader is also a head of state, like King Abdullah.

  • SorosBot

    Nice of him, to spread the hatred of women who don't want kids (or just don't want them now) to those who want them but can't have them the old fashioned way.

    • Guppy

      SARAH/ELIZABETH LIBEL!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      His entire fucking RELIGION is based on the ownership and control of women, my dear. Of course he's going to resent women who don't perform their proper function of birthing more little boys for his priests to destroy even as he raises, in an Africa starved by OUR greed for its precious and rare minerals, the specter of sin in order to condemn them to uncontrolled breeding and depletion of their foodspace.

      The Catholic church has had many good individuals in it who have tried to live as their supposed teacher taught. But the organization itself is corrupt and evil and serves no purpose any more except to maintain itself at the expense of the innocent and weak and poor and needy. The very people it was originally created to protect and serve.

      • Swampgas_Man

        In all fairness, you can say that about most, if not all churches and mosques.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          Believe me, I do. When they come to get the openly avowed atheists, I'll be the first against the wall.

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            When they come to get the openly avowed atheists, I'll be all "Praise Jesus" and "Hallelujah, that one he don't look right to me!"

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            I'm not sending you MY photo. Can't pick me out of the lineup if ya don't know what I look like.

          • redarmyzombie

            You could send a giant poster of Mr. Frothy there. That should at least buy SOME time.

            Also, if it helps, the undead don't mind taking a bullet for the team every once in a while. =p

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            Oh yeah, "I think he was wearing a sweater vest…"

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            HAHAHAHAHA. Not a bad way to get rid of Santorum.

            Yeah, yeah, I know, bleach, hot water, and soap.

          • redarmyzombie

            Wash, rinse, repeat, etc.

            Though I would also like to recommend industrial solvent, just in case…nasty nasty stuff, that Santorum.

          • Iam_Who_Iam

            Sounds like a reasonable plan to me Bonzos.

            Raised as a catholic and told the stories of martyrs, even as a good loving of the great Catholic God child, I always wondered what the hell was up with those crazy martyrs. If they told me to denounce my faith or face the lions I would have absolutely no problem saying “God Who?”

            Of course I was raised with the kind benevolent God who I always assumed would forgive me, I hear he’s been replaced by some asshole.

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            New Testament Jesus replaced by Old Testament Jesus who not only randomly smites Canaanites, but hates teh gheys. What's not to like?

            But yeah, I'd be floppin' and flippin' religions faster than Willard at a CPAC convention.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Who is seriously going to take sex advice from a "virgin"?

    Besides Ricky Poo Santorum.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I distinctly remember once hearing my family's priest sermonize to the flock that they should consult with him if they were having marriage problems. When we got home I asked my mother, "What would he know about marriage problems? He's not married." I was about nine years old at the time. My mother no doubt told me to "go outside and play," her stock answer for everything.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        I remember when I first figured out that the nuns, and worse, the priests were giving advice. Most of the priests, as you probably well know, were pretty much educated for the priesthood from about the age of nine or ten. These guys go off to seminary from the time they're teenagers, they never ever see, live with, or deal with, women, and have NO KNOWLEDGE WHATSOEVER of what families that consist of parents and children and especially WOMEN have to go through.

        It's different for the nuns. Priesthood is seen as a calling or vocation. A nunnery is just a place to dispose of "excess" or "troublesome" girls. Girls from very wealthy families over whose property people were fighting could avoid such problems by retiring into the nunnery. Girls who had been "bad," but had money. Girls who came from poor or middle-class families but were plain or dark-skinned or deformed or stupid or too smart — off to the convent they all went, and their families mostly never spoke of them again. But at least these women who became nuns generally lived with their families until they were old enough to be sent away. Many of them retired to the convent as adult women who had been married and divorced or widowed, so they knew what life was like outside the convent walls.

        The priests don't. They NEVER do. They live in those all-male institutions with someone else taking care of them their entire fucking lives. Even when they are assigned a parish, someone is hired to cook and clean and take care of their shit for them.

        How they can give anyone advice about ANYthing, much less something as complex as human relationships and humanity itself, is completely beyond me.

        • Iam_Who_Iam

          In our Irish Catholic families everyone wanted a nun or priest in their family, it counted as a golden ticket to heaven if you raised a nun or priest. They all grew up pretty normal and chose their vocation as adults (well, as adult as any of us are when we graduate and find our own way in the world) and were never shunned or forgotten by the family. They were rather regarded as royalty, it was a very big deal to have them attend or officiate a wedding, funeral or other event. Judging from the hoopla surrounding Sister Something-or-Another at the last family reunion, it is the same in my husband’s German Catholic family.

          Although I am no longer catholic, when my own children were teens I found myself (as if genetically programmed) reminding them that it was up to one of my offspring to “hear the call” and save my immortal soul. Watching the ensuing fight was great entertainment, “I’m not doing it, you do it!” Of course it didn’t take too long for them to wise up, “Sorry mom, looks like your gonna burn in hell.”

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Smartass kids.

            It's wonderful that your experience was different, truly. The film The Magdalene Laundries left such a bad taste that it's good to hear the occasional happy story. Regrettably, it's *very* occasional. I went to Catholic school, and the nuns (who were mostly Italian, Spanish, and Portuguese) told us themselves that they were the forgotten family members labouring abroad for Christ. The priests were a very different story, of course. THEY were the Chosen of God.

            I still remember one of my girlfriends telling me that she turned over her paycheck to her YOUNGER BROTHER every month. I said, "Why?" (He was 14 at the time, and in seminary, and she was in her 20s). "He's the man of the house," she replied. That's the kind of thing that makes you want to drown people. Not the Berenstain bears. These ^^ people.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    In other news, L'Osservatore Romano discussed the sacredness of cows for Hindus.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      donner, are the Hindi cows as sacred as the ones from Wisconsin that for decades kept the horror of daylight savings time at bay?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Hindu, dear. Hindi is the language.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

          Their cows speak Hindi? Does Ganesha know this?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Ganesha knows ALL, dood. Do you DARE DOUBT?

            Or at least his Mom does. Ask anyone about the myth of Annapurna and the ant.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      India has a large Christian population, and although many different sects of Christianity coexist peacefully there, I believe Catholicism is still the main Christian sect there.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

        It is surprising, but twue, that the number of Christians in India exceeds both that of Sikhs and Buddhists.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          Shocking, innit? And most people don't realize that India has the largest population of Zoroastrians in the world and that when the Jews fled Iraq, most of them fled to India where they settled in a thriving community, or that the Jews of Cochin date back to the time of Solomon. It's an amazing country. People sometimes ask me, "Tell me what it was like for you going to India," and I always want to say, "You got seven thousand years?" It's a vast, complex, intricately stitched together Nakshi Kantha of interesting stories.

  • chascates

    And should you digress outside the stated bounds of procreation you must seek forgiveness from another unmarried, sexless bachelor while seated in a box who'll listen to every detail and who will proscribe the ritual you must perform to please the GIANT Unmarried, Sexless Bachelor who lives in the clouds.

    Flatter Jesus (and Mary) or he'll torture you in Hell forever!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Pay no attention to the man behind the gold-embroidered Raphael tapestry.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      It is deeply painful and sickening to me to see the vast sums that the Church spends on maintaining its pomp, even as it proscribes birth control to the masses who struggle to survive. I will only say that I am grateful that no Catholic has ever attempted to offer up the defense of "the poor we will always have with us."

  • Doktor Zoom

    Jesus Barebacking Christ.

  • RadioCualguier

    What's the difference between a Nazi and a pedophile?

    • BarackMyWorld

      The Nazi wants people to put brown shirts on?

      • RadioSBJ

        The pedophile, however, prefers brown shorts.

    • mavenmaven

      ten years?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Fifteen to twenty, in most states.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          And a lifetime afterwards with you!

          No, many lifetimes.

  • fuflans

    you forgot the prada shoes.

    that makes all the difference you know.

  • blowharder

    I can't wait til my daughter whom IVF made possible is big enough to kick this guy in the (useless) nuts. That will give me and wife not only biological but spiritual satisfaction.

    • pinkocommi

      Seriously… rape babies are sacred but ivf is a sin? i am surprised the catholic church dos not still contend the earth is flat.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Zygotes have no official comment on the Pope's statement, pending a detailed review.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

    Who the fuck is this ancient childless celibate to tell young procreating people how to deal with issues that he has absolutely NO fucking experience with? Cackling Krishna, man, how can people be so stupid as to give Mister-Fancy-Hat-And-Shoes so much fucking power over them?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Well there are dittoheads who surrender to a number of Popes on the teevee and the radio. Not surprising they do to folks who between rounds of alter boy buttsechs wander around with their purse on fire chanting something about the fact that the Cardinals can beat the Blackhawks in dominoes.

      • Swampgas_Man

        "Tell me what to think!" is the world's oldest prayer.

  • BlueStateLibel

    What does this mean for my IVF-created nephew who just had his Catholic confirmation and goes to Church every Sunday? Is he not supposed to exist?

    • Swampgas_Man

      He gets an annulment.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      When I was a kid in catechism class, we used to propose all sorts of bizarre scenarios to the nuns, insisting that they explain every detail of their teachings. Such as, "If I saw a car accident and I thought the victim was dying, would I be allowed to baptize him in the street even if I thought a priest was on the way?"

      Your questions are the 2012 version of that. But I think weird little Catholic kids would pose the dilemma in some cruel way. "If a person isn't supposed to exist, then it's not a sin if someone kills him, right?" The Catholic reliance on rules for the sake of rules spawns many Little Rickie Santorums.

    • DaRooster

      Just GET HIM OUT OF THERE NOW!!!

  • WinterOuthouse

    Do you think he was molested by a Catholic Priest?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    It hangs deep in his robes, a delicate
    clapper at the center of a bell.
    It moves when he moves, a ghostly fish in a
    halo of silver seaweed, the hair
    swaying in the dark and the heat — and at night,
    while his eyes sleep, it stands up
    in praise of God.
    — Sharon Olds, "The Pope's Penis"

    I had not looked at that poem in close to twenty years. Seems at the time it carried more shock value, but the Pope deserves better (that is, bitter) contempt.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      I love Sharon Olds, and I really love that poem.

    • MMathS

      Beautiful poem.

      Also, vomit everywhere, too.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    “The human and Christian dignity of procreation, in fact, doesn’t consist in a ‘product’, but in its link to the conjugal act, an expression of the love of the spouses of their union, not only biological but also spiritual,” the Daily Mail quoted Pope Benedict XVI as saying.

    Okay, first, calling boinking dignified is a real stretch, although it does support the idea that His or Her Holiness really is a virgin. Second, I understand that conception under other circumstances — say, rape or incest — is also a gift from Jah, so why not frankenfetuses, too?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      They cannot answer you with logic, you must have faith. At least faith that this is so.

      Who was it who said of sex, The position is undignified, the pleasure momentary? I'm paraphrasing, and badly, but it was someone famous and not, for once, Bertrand Russell, whose quotes seem to be engraved upon my brain.

      • clblabin

        "The pleasure momentary, the posture ridiculous, the expense damnable."

        That would be the uber-Catholic Evelyn Waugh, of all people.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          Why, thank you. It's been so long since I read that quote. I wonder if all Catholics find coitus "damnable," rather than ecstatic.

    • Naked_Bunny

      You're supposed to wear a monocle and top hat during coitus. Der-hay.

      • RadioCualquier

        My Sex Education course.
        Now did I do vaginal juices?

        • AddHomonym

          You're soaking in it.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      If ur secksy time is digneefied ur doin it rong

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Wait, so test tube fetuses are not persons? Yay, stem cell research!

  • Redhead

    "an expression of the love of the spouses of their union, not only biological but also spiritual"

    So what's fucking little boys up the ass express?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      A bit of santorum?

    • Catabite

      Sexual frustration?

  • JohnnyBrooklyn

    Seriously, who could, even theoretically, be even more out of touch than the fucking pope giving advice on sex?

    I mean, Romney could talk about his childhood as a chimney sweep in Dickensian London with more authenticity.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I don't think even Satan could do a better job than these people of insuring that I never give Christianity a second thought.

  • arihaya

    stridently against the legal prosecution of his fellow Catholic priests who fuck little boys

    Jerry Sandusky is Pope Ratzinger's buddy?

  • pinkocommi

    Listening to the Pope's advice on sex is like asking a fish how to ride a bicycle.

    • RadioCualguier

      It's like measuring a toothache with a protractor.

      • Boojum_Reborn

        3 degrees Fahrenheit.

  • Mahousu

    Apparently the Pope was worried that Santorum might be getting ahead of him, so decided he had do something to put himself firmly in front.

    Nobody, but nobody out-prigs the Pope.

  • Naked_Bunny

    The human and Christian dignity of procreation

    Pictures, or it didn't happen.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      With the Pope, probably true.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    "This is too hard for me to wrap my brain around. I need another bong hit." — Jesus

  • rambone

    So, is the "human and Christian dignity of procreation" maintained if the only reason one knocked up one's wife was because one was into lactating boobies?

    Hypothetically speaking, of course . . .

  • Catabite

    It really pisses me off that this daft old lizard's dementia-riddled farting is still considered next to gospel by thousands of otherwise rational people around the world.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    The Pope is a dick. There. I said it. Can I go to hell now?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Maybe we can be neighbors!

      • DaRooster

        Welcome… have a look around.

  • elburritodeluxe

    If he only had lady parts, Pope Benedict would show you girls how its done!

  • redarmyzombie

    So, any idea when they'll come out with the new 85 Year-Old Virgin movie?

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    The man in the dress wants people to stop using medical knowledge to have children. What a snob!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Boy fucker says what?

  • DahBoner

    This just isn't going to work until those Crazy Old Virgins put out a half-priced Groupon to marry Jesus…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    One of the best graffitis I ever saw was on some documentary about The Troubles up in Ire-tucky, Dublin or Belfast or somesuch.
    "Fuck the Pope."
    I dig brevity.

  • http://www.wonkette.com John Birf Society

    He proves the old saying "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach".

  • OneYieldRegular

    These elderly European men have had a good run, but I think it's about time we select Susie Bright as Pope.

  • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

    It's nice to see someone use "consist in" properly, though.

  • ph7

    That's some fucking book, that Bible.

  • delaney_blom

    "dignity of procreation, in fact, doesn’t consist in a ‘product’, but in its link to the conjugal act, an expression of the love of the spouses of their union, not only biological but also spiritual.”
    Is he saying that these babies have no souls? If Gregory XIII or Paul VI were still pope, he'd be figuring out a way for priests to extract spiritual matter and get it into those test tubes.

  • Nostrildamus

    Pontiff gotta pontificate.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I thought that everyone knew that the only proper and dignified way to get pregnant was in the back seat of a Buick.

  • CessnaDriver

    In other words: No doggie.

  • clblabin

    You know who ELSE was a Nazi?