Tastes like asshole.

In case America was wondering, and it wasn’t, the root problem behind Afghanistan’s myriad sociopolitical and economic challenges in achieving a better standard of living for its citizens is that it fucking cold refuses to hear Newt Gingrich out on how to fix those problems. Those riots in Afghanistan over the burning of the Muslim holy book at a U.S. military base that have killed 28 people and wounded hundreds more are an important reminder of this fact, that Newt Gingrich is the smartest human who has ever lived by a factor of one billion. Newt, in an exciting move from merely hyperbolic language to incredibly boring invented words, told an audience in Tennessee (where, incidentally, Ron Paul is beating him in the polls) that Newt Gingrich could successfully make Afghanistan “unmiserable” if only he were the wicked king of Afghanistan. But instead, Afghanistan insists on sucking and not making him their ruler and “hating foreigners,” unlike everyone belonging to the party whose presidential nomination Newt Gingrich would still like to receive.

In a lifetime of offensively stupid statements from Newt Gingrich, today’s proclamation still manages to stand out:

“We are not going to fix Afghanistan. It is not possible,” Gingrich said. “These are people who have spent several thousand years hating foreigners. And what we have done by staying is become the new foreigners.

“This is a real problem. And there are some problems where you have to say, ‘You know, you are going to have to figure out how to live your own miserable life… because you clearly don’t want to learn from me how to be unmiserable.’ And that is what you are going to see happen.”

There you have it, Afghanistan. If only you would cheat on all your wives all the time while they lay sick in their hospital beds and work unceasingly to bore everyone around you to death with intellectually bankrupt arguments centered on the theory that you alone have understood history correctly, you too would be able to buy your concubine boxes full of tacky diamond jewelry. And who doesn’t want that? [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

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  • elburritodeluxe

    And these assholes never even thanked us for all the cluster bombs!

  • memzilla

    "You know, you are going to have to figure out how to live your own miserable life… because you clearly don’t want to learn from me how to be unmiserable…"

    Isn't this pretty much what he said to his first and second wives? Stick with the classics, Newt!

    • Sue4466

      Nailed it!

  • Wow. Newt is truly the intellectual shining light of the GOPer party. A brain's brain. A man's man (but not in the Larry Craig kind of way.) A thinking warrior. The man with the heart of a lion and the soul of a Tiger tank. A man of honor… hahahahahahahahahahahha!!

    I'm sorry I couldn't keep typing with a straight face about that podunk grifting fatass with delusions of adequacy.

    • chicken_thief

      *smug look*…. condescending reply that includes "transformational" and "fundamentally"…. *smug look*

      ~ Newt

    • tessiee

      Upfist for "delusions of adequacy".

  • FakaktaSouth

    ‘You know, you are going to have to figure out how to live your own miserable life… because you clearly don’t want to learn from me how to be unmiserable.’

    They don't listen because even the men in Afghanistan think the way Newt treats women is terrible.

  • orygoon

    Fixing the Moon into a lovely paradise for all things human would be easier than fixing AF, so you should keep talking about Lunastan.

  • Ducksworthy

    Are we taking up a collection to send Gnewt to save the Afghanis? Here's my 25 Ameros.

    • Hey, I'm happy to pony up too.

      • Tilley

        I'll contribute to the fund to send him to Lunastan. Afghanistan has already suffered enough, don't you think?

        • Always the considerate soul, thinking of others!

          I'm off to see my sister, my dear. I haven't seen her in over a decade, and I'm terrified I won't recognize her — she says the cancer surgeries have taken half her body. Frankly, I'm terrified and I feel sick and the sick feeling won't go away. But I know that you've been through as bad or worse. Thank you very much for your kind words. I shall think of you often while I'm away.

          • Tilley

            Oh Frothy dear. So sorry your sister is going through this. It's horrifying when it's first happened to you. Have they charted a course of treatment that she'll accept yet? You mentioned she said it was some rare form of BrCa — best wishes and I know she's scared, it's a scary thing, but she WILL get through it and it DOES get better!! {{{{ }}}} (I think that's how you do the hug thing) keep me posted here at the Wonkette ranch.

          • She has a form of BrCa that constitutes < 5% of all reported types of BrCa, so it is indeed very rare. I did a little research on Medline and found that the main treatment is surgery, but it seems her surgeon thinks she needs *more* surgery now. I'm just cringing inside. How many times can they cut ona body? She's already had at least three, the last one lasting multiple hours.

            Thank you for the hugs, dear heart. You have been wonderfully helpful and supportive, and I will log in just as soon as I can. Although when that will be I do not know. She lives very far away, and if she does not improve, then of course it's my duty to stay till the end. I'm hoping with all my heart and soul that she does improve and I will have her around to enjoy for many years. (Hugs the Nicky/Tilley most deeply) Much love to you and your puppers, and I hope the next time I respond to you, it will be with JOY!

          • Tilley

            Many good wishes to you and your sister. What the heck kinda surgery are they doing on her beyond mastectomy? Taking out all her ladyparts and everything remotely related to estrogen production, I suppose? Jeez. Wish I could email you personal-like rather than converse via the wonderful Wonkette — anyway, just be there for her and let her talk, or not, whatever she feels like. I know of at least one woman who had some aggressive rare form of BrCa too, into her lymph nodes and everything, it's been 7 yrs. now and yes she went thru hell but is still around and kickin' ass like always. Keep in touch – XXOOXX

          • She says they removed the lining of her chest but it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes yet, so they're not going to take those out, although they initially wanted to. Something about the nerves not being wired back properly or something. It's hard to tell because she's in Australia, and I'm deef as a post, so it's lots of shouty-shouty and she won't WRITE and tell me (I have no idea why, I've given up asking).

            You can always email me personal at the political cat (one word) at Gmail. You know the deal.

            I'm so glad that you know of someone who has survived something like this. Gives me hope. Thank you, my dear, and I will always be grateful for this lifeline. I look forward to talking to you some more. (Hugs the sweet lady) I hope your neck is doing better, and that you are taking care of yourself and not letting your employers work you to the bone.

          • Tilley

            Will try to figure out the gmail thing — for right now just know that if it's not in the lymph nodes that is extra-extra special good. That's probably THE best key thing. Urge your sister to look into a "Bosom Buddies" (I know, ick) group — those who've been there can be invaluable support for her. In touch later — XXOOXX

  • not that Dewey


  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    “because you clearly don’t want to learn from me how to be unmiserable”.

    Yeah Newt. Do you really think the Afghans are listening to the shit you are saying and if they took a look at you fat sorry chicken hawk ass with your plastic wife they would say “I want to be just like Newt!” Where did Newt get that ego? Sam's club?

  • Doktor Zoom

    Of course, Newt also thinks that apologizing for the accidental burning of Korans is a bad idea. I'd imagine he thinks maybe if we took a bunch of Korans hostage and threatened to start burning them until Afghans just calm the fuck down, we'd show the little bastards who's boss.

    • soeoho

      That plan Doktor Zoom (or Strangelove?), is supposed to be classified. Please unshow it to everybody who saw it. You did mean Korans, not Koreans. Yes? Good, because that is a totally different plan that no one saw here either.

      • tessiee

        This conversation never happened.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Of course it didn't–Wonkette doesn't allow comments.

  • Limeylizzie

    I cannot wait for this bloated, mean-spirited, adulterous, porcine, narcissistic cunt to step out in front of a wall of cameras and announce that he is quitting the race.

    • arihaya

      that will be bad news for Obama

      … and Stephen Colbert's comedy writers

      • Given that Intrade has Obama at 62, Romney at 28, and Gringrinch at THREE, I reckon Obama will handle the disappointment stoically, as is his wont.

        • Chichikovovich

          You mean I can buy a bet against Gingrich that pays $1000 if I win – and costs only $970? Whoohoo! Free money! I think I'll take Chichikovna to Chili's for the $20 for 2 special, which will leave 10 for four glasses of Melbourne Old and Yellow and a Romney-sized tip.

      • Callyson

        Though I imagine the comedy writers would appreciate the break. They've been working overtime since this whole GOP mess of a primary got started and could probably use a breather…

    • Have you ever seen Rowan Atkinson just stand at the mic and deliver invectives?
      He'd be so proud of you!
      NO ONE snarks like the British.

    • Tilley

      I have a feeling he'll NEVER quit. He'll insist he's won the nomination, even when he hasn't. He'll keep trying to crash the debates between Obama and Mittens, insisting he's really the guy who belongs there, then even at Obama's inauguration he'll storm the stage, and then he'll finally have to be put down like the sad unwanted rabid dog that he is.

      • tessiee

        20 years from now, he'll be doing this same shit — maybe with an even younger and more plasticized wife — but otherwise the same.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      You had me at bloated.

    • Or "step out in front of a wall" and have the opportunity to refuse the snowcloned cigarette and blindfold.

    • Nostrildamus

      He'll leave the race because he loves America so much!!!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Newt had an audience? Do you mean to say that people left their homes and proceeded to a different location to hear him speak? Was free beer involved? I could understand that. Otherwise, not so much.

    • Tilley

      Even down here in Redneckistan Newt is despised and reviled. I think his whirlwind tour of Tennessee garnered crowds that numbered nearly in the teens.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Much like when he was here. Then the fucker whined that he didn't get on the primary ballot here. Well Newty, if you don't even try to get the signatures, guess what? You don't get the signatures.

    • tessiee

      Maybe he had some leftover whore diamonds to give out.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    I nominate Newt Gingrich to be king of Afghanistan. If enough people support him in his endeavor, we might be able to get a him a one-way ticket to Kabul.

    • Might have to charter a flight, dood. Commercial planes might not be flying into that war zone.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Just make sure it's well-publicized. We wouldn't want him to arrive without a welcome party waiting.

      • You really *are* cruel!

    • mayor_quimby

      He should form an alliance with one of Said Qutb's offspring and lead them into educated enlightenment. Win win, people!

    • e_z

      Kipling had Danny and Peachey in a remote section of Af-land where they set themselves up as Kings. Maybe it will work out better for the bulbous one than it did for those two but I would rather doubt it.

      • DCBloom

        Nice. I was trying to come up with a good Kipling reference. You beat me to it.

      • Chichikovovich

        Great idea – I just hope Newt is the one that gets crucified. The less merciful Kafiristanis of today won't get all soft and cut him down after a day.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Tell Newt he'll be walking in the footsteps of Alexander, Dravot and Carnehan, and he'll be on the next plane. Historical Destiny!

  • littlebigdaddy

    OK, you guys know I am a total lefty pussy, but Newt is largely correct. These people have never been nice to anyone, including Alexander the Great who married one of their ladies. We need to get the fuck out of there and let them get on with their deranged notion of national whatever.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      No, ya got it.
      Was true before, with W. ….Yer gonna do WHAT? WHERE?
      Unfortunately, it makes the most sense to think of it as a way to fuck with Iran.

    • Yeah, pity we didn't think about that BEFORE FUCKING GOING IN THERE AND BOMBING THE FUCK OUT OF THEM, EH?

      Sorry. I'm pissed off at Newt, not at you. No yelling. (Hugs littlebigdaddy)

      • We needed to go into Afghanistan to get rid of Al Qaeda and Bin Laden and make sure they couldn't use it as their hidey-hole ever again. If Barack Obama had been the President making the decisions in 2001, we would have been back home for 7 years now.

        • If Barack Obama had been our President, he would have sent Seal Team Six in there and nobody would have known SHIT till it was over and done with. Just like this time. No war, no thousands of bombed and dead, no fury in Pakistan at this incredible BULLSHIT, no worries in India and the rest of Asia.

          But we had an idiot in charge back then, and he preferred to empty the Treasury and kill our friends' children while complaining that Afghanistan was too primitive to bomb.

          • But let's not pretend that the United States is the only reason there has ever been war in Afghanistan. Afghanistan had been in a constant state of civil war, egged on by Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Iran and al-Qaeda/Bin Laden, since they kicked the Russians out. I can't stand this naive view that Americans are the only ones killing anybody in that region.

          • Chet, there's a lot about the history of the region that most people don't know. And I don't have time to discuss it right now.

            Suffice it to say that the British, when they divvied up those countries at the End of Empire, made sure that peace would not come to the region for a LONG fucking time, being well aware that they were leaving some very angry people behind. You might want to read a little on the drawing of the borders and the division of land. Essentially, Pakistan has always had an incentive to keep Afghanistan off balance due to certain lands that have historically been Afghanistani being due to revert back to the Afghanistanis.

            America's fine Italianate hand has been seen in that region since, pretty much, the British left. The Great Game must be played, you know. I'd love to discuss this further, but I am leaving the country soon, and don't know when I'll be back. So please, keep your indignation simmering on the back burner, dear heart, until I return.

            (Hugs the Chet most affectionately) Thank you for being a friend, and even for the times when you were too grouchy to be a friend, my dear. Whatever happens, don't let the bastards grind you down, and remember, we're all people out here alone, desperately trying to connect with Other Intelligence. Be well.

          • Yes, I understand, it's the same reason/excuse Africans use for killing each other, which is always a shock to Black Americans looking for Motherland Paradise.

            And I don't know if you're trying to disarm me with affection or sarcasm, but I will try to be less grumpy, even though that is a large part of my shtick.

          • littlebigdaddy

            Chet gotta get his grump on!

    • BarackMyWorld

      He usually starts somewhere near a reasonable idea, then completely goes off the rails by virtue of his arrogance or uncontrollable urge to demagogue everything for his own gain.

      • Really? Not that I've noticed lately. In fact, this statement is his "broken clock is right once a day" moment.

        • BarackMyWorld

          Ok, example…he'll acknowledge the poverty rate among urban minorities is higher than the national average and this population may be in need of additional attention in term of public policy (reasonable idea), then offer some ridiculous policy idea such as making kids janitors (goes off the rails), while blaming the initial problem on liberal policies (uncontrollable urge to demagogue) and ridicule the inferior intelligence of anyone who doesn't embrace his solution (arrogance).

          • But then he'll just flat-out lie that Obama is the most dangerous President ever for our foreign policy, or send out RFPs for moon bases.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, ya got the right, Mr. Collidge Level History Student. US out of Afghanistan! And US out of fucking Israel!

      Let these assholes blow each other up. We're not stopping it from happening; we're just making sure the process stretches out as long as possible.

      Six thousand years of history has shown us repeatedly, that's what these people do. This is not our fight.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      If W had ever read the first Flashman book, none of this shit would have ever happened.

      • Chichikovovich

        Maybe if we can get him to read "Flash for Freedom" and "Flashman and the Angel of the Lord" he'll stop trying to refight the Civil War.

      • Tundra Grifter

        There's never been anyone quite like Sir Harry!

        On a slightly more serious note, if anyone in the Bush Administration had read and understood Winston Churchill's "The Story of the Malakand Field Force" they would have thought long and hard about our Afghanistan adventure.

        Alexander the Great never lost a game on the road. He was the last successful invader of Afghanistan. From the Mongols to the Victorian British Army (suffering two of their greatest defeats in that little part of the world) to the Soviet Union and now the US of A, it's a relatively easy place to invade and a remarkably difficult place to conquer.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Let's give Dubya some credit, though. Sure, he DID start a land war in Asia. But to the best of my knowledge, he never turned his back on a Sicilian when death was on the line.

      • littlebigdaddy

        Flashman FTW!!!!!

  • SorosBot

    Is unmiserable the new doubleplusungood?

  • Crank_Tango

    And I said, "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"

    • SorosBot

      And I said I think I remember that song,
      And I seem to think we all kind of hated it,
      Typical whiny 90s swill,
      Man it really sucked.

      • ♪♫ Mooned grifter, wider than a mile,
        Newt's cross, has nothing kind to say
        A deal breaker, a global undertaker
        Wherever he's going, we'll go the other way ♫♪

  • arihaya

    Newt speaks too much for a man who evaded Vietnam draft by fucking his math teacher

    • Tilley

      He's one of the all-time original Yellow Elephants.

  • angerbear

    Newt considers "thousands of years hating foreigners" to be the Afghans' most laudable cultural trait.

    • He'd so like to be able to do the same.

      • Crank_Tango

        Too soon!

  • Considering Newt just summed up the 1950s Rich White American mentality towards not only other countries, but also to it's own people who haven't "excelled in America's free market system" – basically anyone who hasn't been able to skate through life by being an overfed white male – maybe he does deserve to be the last president of this pathetic regime.

    As to the idea of Newt Gingrich and his like minded fuck faces finally deciding to leave the rest of us alone… THANK YOU.

  • doloras

    … wait. Did Newton Leroy just call for a withdrawal from Afghanistan??

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    This is a real problem. And there are some problems where you have to say, ‘You know, you are going to have to figure out how to live your own miserable life… because you clearly don’t want to learn from me how to be unmiserable.’

    The Afghans tried that after the Soviets left in '88. I forget what happens next.

    • And they would like to.

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        I remember in 2001, just after the Taliban had blown up those priceless Buddhas, right-wingers telling me that Afghanistan had never had it so good and stable.

        • You know how it is with those people. While I was having a public screamfest over the Lancet/Johns Hopkins study and the disappearance of the Iraqi girl blogger so many of us followed, some dip came up to me to remind me how many schools we had painted in Iraq. That's the kind of thing that can give you an aneurysm, or as Baconzgood might have it, an anusism. So, we painted 1,200 schools which apparently makes it OK to kill 1 million people and turn an additional 3-5 million into homeless refugees. Right. I always forget how much more valuable schoolroom paint is to these maroons than the lives of brown people.

          • Fukui-sanYesOta

            A public screamfest? Good on you! I always wanted to take on the fuckwits squealing about Socialised Medicine outside my local BART station but didn't.

            Painting schools is of course a total free pass for poisoning the shit out of kids with depleted uranium ammunition. What's a little pediatric cancer between friends?

          • Every now and then I can't take it anymore and just have to shriek up. My partner wishes I would cut that shit out, being the lowkey sort of individual who argues with no one if he can avoid it. There's a limit to how long I can tolerate their shit, though. I have to be careful and remember that I'm a gimp and when it comes time to kick a little ass, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage.

            Oh, well, shouty and ragey do comprise a good workout for the system, especially if coupled with righteous indignation, don't you think?

          • DCBloom

            I find a coupla bong hits followed by a banging my head against the wall helps.
            Your welcome

          • Yeah, the weed keeps me from strangling these fuckwits with my bare hands. And my head is already flat on one side like those adorable little Mayan babies with their head-squeezing planks.

            Just recently, it was some fuckwit LaRouchite. Who knew those people even existed any more? THIS is why I'm a hermit! This! THIS!!!

            Sorry. The vape's all warm now.

          • DCBloom

            Happiness is a warm vape…

    • I don't understand your point. Are you saying the Soviets should have stayed? Or that the Afghans need outside help to figure out their lives? That's not whey we went there. We went there because we were attacked from there, and people who now say we should never have gone there are bullshitters who didn't say that in October 2001. Now, there is no Al Qaeda or Bin Laden in Afghanistan anymore, and it is long past time for us to get the fuck out of there.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Newt just heard Afghanistan was full of diamonds!!!!1!

  • I actually agree with the sentiment that we should get the fuck out of Afghanistan. The snarling condescension, not so much.

  • You broke it you bought it.. Just like Tiffany's.

  • Negropolis

    I am so sorry, but I'm in complete agreement with him, at least the first paragraph, if even I'm not for what is implied that we are so much better. But, that doesn't mean that we should be afraid from saying that Afghanistan does, indeed, suck donkey balls. Even Bin Laden saw that.

    I wish so badly that our Admiral Ackbar alarm would have went off in 2001.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well it sort of did – why do you think the chickenhawks diverted attention to Iraq? At least in part it was because they didn't want to do the hard work of trying to keep the AF-PAK region above its normal state of complete fucking quagmire.

      • Negropolis

        No, it didn't go off until years later. And, really, it should have went off before we did a full-on ground invasion. We probably should have put boots on the ground in Kabul at the very most.

  • Gunner Asch

    Looks like Wikileaks found the secret Pentagon plan for exiting Afghanistan.

  • bagofmice

    Obviously they should listen to newt. Otherwise they might listen to santorum and establish an Abrahamic theocracy.

  • Why is this pompous, fat-assed, runny-faced, flabby, blindingly albinic pretentious git ever permitted to opine in public without screams of gardy loo! followed by buckets of blindingly hot shit and piss poured all over his overly fat head is completely beyond me.

    In a civilized country, they'd know how to treat Newt Gingrich.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Upfist for "gardy loo".

    • Bonghits4Jesus

      I thought "Gardy loo!" was Santorum's battle cry.

      • Ew, dood. I mean, thanks for the linky, but ew.

      • Angry_Marmot

        "Gardy loo" is his essence.

  • Antispandex

    The only thing worth hearing from The Newt will be his concession speech….and I don't expect that to be interesting enough to miss a St. Patrick's Day pub crawl for. It should be over by then, right?

    • Pretty much. SuperTuesday is March 6th, IIRC.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Who knew dropping bombs on people's children would make them so touchy~

    • Honestly. They're just SOOOOOO sensitive.

    • Tilley

      Really. Don't they know we're just trying to make their lives unmiserable?

  • HempDogbane

    Heh. heh. You said "concubine boxes." Heh.

  • arihaya

    “These are people who have spent several thousand years hating foreigners. And what we have done by staying is become the new foreigners"

    I usually disagree with Newt, but this is an apt description for wingnuts

  • mavenmaven

    Obama should send off Newt as "extra special envoy to Afghanistan". Immediately.

  • Joshua Norton

    Newt Gingrich + Authoritarian Conservative Mindset = Logic-Defying Results

  • BarackMyWorld
  • crybabyboehner

    Why can't they stick to killing people who disrespect the Bible, like normal folks do?

  • redarmyzombie

    I suspect he's disappointed they didn't warm up to his plan for a Moon base sex club…

  • I have a buddy from Afghanistan who lives in Toronto now. After the Tora Bora bombings he sold the rubble back to the U.S. Army as gravel for construction. I'm not at all sure they need a lot of advice from some numb-nut like N. Leroy Gingrich on doing business.

  • "…people who have spent several thousand years hating foreigners."

    The Go-Pee'ers only been hating foreigners for a couple hundred years. You could learn from Afghanistan, Newt. You could learn from them … except education is so snobby.

  • "…figure out how to live your own miserable life."

    What do they have to miserable about? Men can have as many wife-bots as they can afford — which is a lot because, of course, no Tiffany's. And it's illegal to call any presidential candidate "a fat fucking asshole whose loyalty can be had for cash and a blowjob".

  • Mahousu

    Newt went on to add, "Iran, though – totally different story. Sure, sure, they've also been hating invading foreigners since Alexander the Great, but this time, it'll be different. They're going to just love having us there."

    • Chichikovovich

      Maybe Newt the Chronicler is thinking "Caliph Umar kicked their pansy asses in 644 and now they're all Muslims. With Supreme Potentate Newt in charge, they'll be Christian within the month."

  • Barrelhse

    How strange that this doesn't even stand out against the background of idiocy, buffoonery, and disconnect spewed by the GOP on a daily basis. If the GOP doesn't lose big this year we will be witnessing the fall of America.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Yeah, what is it what with those Afghanis – you would think they don't like foreigners invading, bombing, and killing them, strange.

  • ThundercatHo

    OT: I am sick at heart today my Wonky friends. The school shooting in Chardon, Ohio was right next to the community where we raised our children for 12 years. We went to that school for school band concerts and 4th of July fireworks every summer. An obviously mentally ill child, who was raised in a violent home, has shot and killed 2 of his classmates and seriously wounded 3 others. These children are the same age as my youngest son. The first comment after the article on MSN was, "Here come the anti gun nuts." Really? I just can't believe it.

    • RadioCualquier

      "Here come the anti gun nuts."

      Arm the teenagers.

    • Negropolis

      "If all of the teachers and students would have had guns, this would have never happened."

      Really, this is what they'll say. This is what they are probably already saying. But, to retain my sanity, I don't read comments much, anymore.

      • ThundercatHo

        I know *sigh*. It was by accident that I even read one while scrolling down. But, children have died and if one even wanted to have a discussion on gun control at this point I would assume that all would be in favor of keeping deadly weapons out of the hands of young people. The best argument against the "everyone should be armed" crap the nuts trot out was a first person account at the IHOP shooting last year. A man who was armed himself was hiding under a table and watched the shooter open up with his assault rifle yet he was too afraid of making himself a target by using his own weapon. The unarmed football coach at Chardon HS chased the shooter out of the building yesterday.

        • I feel ya. I made the mistake once, of reading the comments on the news story of a former co-worker's personal tragedy.

          I'm not sure which was worse, the racism which the spouters had to really work at connecting to the story, or the idiotic stock "political" arguments, like "If we had the death penalty, it would have deterred this [murder-suicide]" or "Even if the guy hadn't had a gun, he could have just as easily [overpowered three healthy adults] with a knife or something"

        • Doktor Zoom

          See also the open-carrying guy at the Tucson shooting who briefly considered shooting someone he saw holding a gun…but held back, wisely, because if he had, he'd have been firing on one of the unarmed people who'd disarmed Loughner.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Sadly, "This Modern World" got it absolutely right after the Giffords shooting. There IS no more debate over gun control anymore, unless by "debate" you mean that saying, "gosh, it's sad that people died" is guaranteed to be called the dangerous anti-Liberty ravings of anti-gun nuts:

      "Relax! Your paranoid political fantasies notwithstanding, no one's going to take your guns away! Barring some seismic realignment in this country, the gun control debate is all but settled–and your side won. The occasional horrific civilian massacre is just the price the rest of us have to pay. Over and over again, apparently."

      –Sparky the Wonder Penguin

  • RadioCualquier

    If we accidentally burned Newt would the wingtards be so upset?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Accidentally? Ha! Intentionality works for me. The only question is should he be burned as part of the general auto-da-fe, as a one-off event with tickets raffled off and proceeds given to charity, or for food for the homeless? Newt-on-a-stick, you know. Only one upset would be his Tiffany's salesperson.

    • tessiee

      Be careful; anything with that much fat content is bound to have a lot of grease spatter.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Wow, everyone watching needs to be wearing protective gear, cuz that shit is going to light up fo real.

  • Negropolis

    OT: I just about live next door to my polling place, so I just slipped in an out, a few minutes ago. I was surprised that they actually ask you up front what ballot you want (GOP or Democrat) in front of everybody. When it's been done, before, they were on the same ballot, and you just checked the side of the ballot you wanted. Anyway, I know one of the poll workers, and when I said I wanted a Republican one, she almost did a double-take, and I almost burst out laughing. I tried to surpress my smile, but couldn't. I almost couldn't even utter the words "Republican." lol

    Well, they got me, y'all. I'm in their database, now. I need another shower, this morning. This thing better have been worth it when eight comes around, tonight, because I feel dirty.

    • ThundercatHo

      Thanks for taking one for the team. Operation Chaos appreciates your efforts. Wish I knew what soap to recommend for washing off the santorum.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    When I was in Kabul building garrisons and air bases for the Afghan military, it became a running joke to point out some ludicrous piece of equipment that had been included in the design, and say (for instance), "Man, that 40-ton York air conditioning unit is really nice. The Taliban are really going to appreciate having that, once we leave."

    • Negropolis

      Well, only if they don't blow it up, first.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        They might as well. No parts will be available, and there isn't a single AC technician in all of Central Asia who will know how to work on it.

    • paris biltong

      We own half the world, oh say can you see
      And the name for our profits is democracy
      So, like it or not, you will have to be free
      'Cause we're the Cops of the World, boys
      We're the Cops of the World

  • Newt should be bombed back into the Stone Age.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Except for the life span issue, we would generally all be happier living in the stone age. Us guys would be getting plenty (since the male lifespan was pretty short and the ladies outnumbered us), and we would be living fine working about 20 hrs/wk. Beats the shit out of stocking shelves at W-M.

  • Negropolis

    OT: Israel probably won't tell the US if it's going to strike Iran

    "Keep smiling, keep shining
    Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
    That's what friends are for
    For good times and bad times I'll be on your side forever more
    That's what friends are for"

    • Chichikovovich

      If I'm a bail bondsman and I pay a business visit to a guy in jail who says, "just get me out of here and this time I'll kill that bastard", I'm not posting the billion-dollar bond.

    • America's Greatest Ally! With whom we have no formal mutual defense agreement, and which tends to be remarkably cavalier when it comes to killing American or allied civilians, or acting directly contrary to US interests without informing us!

  • ttommyunger

    Amazing, this doughy pant-load can't even manage to speak the truth without sounding like the condescending little cunt that he is.

    • Tundra Grifter


      Great point! I think that after 9/11 we had to do something about Afghanistan. Nations around the world offered to help us, because they remembered so many times when we had helped them.

      Instead of arrogantly refusing aid, we should have formed a genuine international coalition, gone into Afghanistan (with, for example, the French and Italian military forces also trained to be police) and really done the job there right.

      It would have been very, very difficult. But it could have been accomplished.

      The rest of that part of the world would have seen the success. Sadam Insane would have finally been tossed out by his own people. The Arab Spring would still have come – those little tin gods on their little tin mountains can't fight the forces of history – but at much less cost to the US of A.

      And to the rest of this world we all must live in.

      • ttommyunger

        Most excellent, Tundra.

        • Tundra Grifter

          That means a great deal coming from you!


      • In other words, Poppy Bush would have done it the right way.

        • Tundra Grifter


          Yes, Poppy Bush did it the right way. He stuck with the international coalition and didn't push on to take out Saddam because that wasn't the agreement.

          He sure and Hell didn't try to go it alone.

          In my opinion, Mr. Bush and James Baker don't begin to get sufficient credit for locking up large numbers of very dangerous nuclear weapons after the old Soviet Union collapsed and these WMD were out there in former parts of the nation.

    • tessiee

      "Doughy pantload"!
      I like that even better than "pig boat"!

      • ttommyunger

        Totally stole it.

  • "And what we have done by staying is become the new foreigners"

    No, Newt, we have always been foreigners in Afghanistan. They only started hating us when we began dropping bombs on them.

  • Chichikovovich

    “These are people who have spent several thousand years hating foreigners. And what we have done by staying is become the new foreigners"

    The GOP would be able to relate to Newt's message better if instead of "foreigners" he said "Illegal aliens".

  • If these Afghans are so damn smart why don't THEY run for President of the United States?

  • dcjdjay

    I hear Iranians make some delicious chicken dishes. Here is one:

    – Remove hat from Newt chicken; skin it slowly with relish. Poach newt chicken with celery rib, thyme, parsley sprigs, bay leaf, cracked peppercorns, and juniper berries for 30 minutes; remove chicken from broth, and cube chicken.

    – Grind walnuts a food processor to make three cups of fine, crushed walnuts.

    – Heat &frac12; stick of unsalted butter in a large, heavy saucepan, and add 1 onion, chopped fine. Cook onions until they are golden, 8 minutes or so. Add ground walnuts and stir constantly (very important) for about five minutes. They will stick if you don't stir. Add 1 tbsp of lemon juice & pomegranate juice, pinch of salt, cinnamon, sugar, and two cups water. Cover pot and let mixture simmer for up to 40 minutes.

    – Five minutes before you're ready to serve, add the cubed newt chicken.

    – Invite Newt chicken’s first two wives for dinner, and enjoy

  • Tundra Grifter

    From what I'm reading, Ole Newt ought to be less concerned about the folks living in Afghanistan and more concerned about the GNoPee voters in Georgia.

  • James Michael Curley

    It was Newt's plan, when battling with Clinton over the budget, to close down the government just before Christmas. He said he learned it from a political analyst named Dickens.

  • An_Outhouse

    Wait, we can make Newt the King of Afghanistan? What a bold, win-win, idea.

    • James Michael Curley

      The multiple wives thing works.

  • LiveToServeYa

    I'd like very much to learn to be ungingriched. Or, more precisely, Gingrich-free.

  • TheRiverCharley

    I was a foreigner to Afghanistan way before Newt Gingrich came along and made it cool.

  • freakishlywrong

    Has anyone mentioned the alt-text? Cuz the alt-text is the fucking shizzle. My dizzles.

  • smitallica

    See, until now we've just blow up Afghan weddings. Newt waits til after the wedding to blow up MARRIAGES. See the difference, libtards?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Keep fuckin' that chicken, Newt.

  • neiltheblaze

    Every time I see a picture of Newt Gingrich, I amuse myself by imagining a Smurf cap on his head. This picture changes all of that.

  • tessiee

    Stupid question, I know, but:
    How about we fix the problems here (including, but not limited to, our apparent need to mind everyone else's business), and let Afghanistan worry about Afghanistan?

  • tessiee

    Most families (I'm looking at YOU, assy relative who does this!), but absolutely every therapist and every counseling center knows at least one person like this:
    Their horrible families, horrible co-workers, horrible friends (yeah right), horrible neighbors, and the entire rest of the world who stubbornly refuses to admit that everything would be so much better if they'd just sit down, shut up, and let the person run their lives for them, and why do they insist on DOING that?
    Therapists must sit in the coffee break room and crack jokes to the effect of, "Tell you what; how about you send *everybody you know* to me, so I can fix them for you?" and laugh and laugh.

  • Troglodeity

    Introducing "Unmiserable": the new signature fragrance by Newt Gingrich.

  • Safe travels, Dood, and strength for you and your sister!

    • Thank you. I'm so glad I found you for a friend. But don't tell yourself that, I wouldn't want you to get embarrassed or nuthin'.

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