Why Won't Afghanistan Just Listen to Newt Gingrich About Everything?

In case America was wondering, and it wasn't, the root problem behind Afghanistan's myriad sociopolitical and economic challenges in achieving a better standard of living for its citizens is that it fucking cold refuses to hear Newt Gingrich out on how to fix those problems. Those riots in Afghanistan over the burning of the Muslim holy book at a U.S. military base that have killed 28 people and wounded hundreds more are an important reminder of this fact, that Newt Gingrich is the smartest human who has ever lived by a factor of one billion. Newt, in an exciting move from merely hyperbolic language to incredibly boring invented words, told an audience in Tennessee (where, incidentally, Ron Paul is beating him in the polls) that Newt Gingrich could successfully make Afghanistan "unmiserable" if only he were the wicked king of Afghanistan. But instead, Afghanistan insists on sucking and not making him their ruler and "hating foreigners," unlike everyone belonging to the party whose presidential nomination Newt Gingrich would still like to receive.

In a lifetime of offensively stupid statements from Newt Gingrich, today's proclamation still manages to stand out:

“We are not going to fix Afghanistan. It is not possible,” Gingrich said. “These are people who have spent several thousand years hating foreigners. And what we have done by staying is become the new foreigners.

“This is a real problem. And there are some problems where you have to say, ‘You know, you are going to have to figure out how to live your own miserable life… because you clearly don’t want to learn from me how to be unmiserable.’ And that is what you are going to see happen.”

There you have it, Afghanistan. If only you would cheat on all your wives all the time while they lay sick in their hospital beds and work unceasingly to bore everyone around you to death with intellectually bankrupt arguments centered on the theory that you alone have understood history correctly, you too would be able to buy your concubine boxes full of tacky diamond jewelry. And who doesn't want that? [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]