All American Ladies Rush To Join ‘Women With Newt’

  new women coalitions for women

Have you ever been a “Woman with Newt,” or did you escape your 1990s stint as a female congressional staffer untouched? If it’s the latter, then that’s fine, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to make it up and perform your service either now or under the future President Gingrich. See Newt, a famously carnivorous vulva jackal, has finally gotten the memo that ladies can vote, and has thus started the “Women with Newt National Coalition,” a group of ghosts that Callista Gingrich will run around screaming at with little purpose.

Cally herself will lead Women with Newt, alongside such other political comedy-wife figures as Jeri Thompson, the cherished spouse of Fred “Dipshit Magoo” Thompson. “Women” as a demographic group have had mixed feelings about Newt Gingrich this campaign season. On one hand, they completely hate him. Newt Gingrich cut off the other hand with a hatchet.

Say something about women, Cally!

Over the last several months, I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful women across the country — learning about their concerns and hopes for our future. My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right track.

This is bullshit, goodnight!

[TPM]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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247 comments

    1. NYNYNYjr

      According to his precious Catholic religion that Callista gave him, he's still married to that first wife, since there is no divorce. Catch-22.

  1. Come here a minute

    Women are asking if Newt will help them prevent unwanted pregnancies by prohibiting contraception. WIthout a good answer Newt will end up beaten by Santorum.

    1. SorosBot

      Newt can prevent unwanted pregnancies by sending Americans, both men and women, unsolicited nude pics of himself and Callista.

      1. Numbat_Dundee

        Newt already prevents pregnacies. The higher his profile, the more his face and form are displayed on the mass media and the intertubes, the more the collective libido of American womanhood is lowered to a point where they won't be having sexytime with anyone, even the hot guy who cleans the pool.

        1. redarmyzombie

          Although, we might have a national epidemic of dehydration, due to the water loss from all that vomiting.

    2. tessiee

      But seriously, he's fucked — or unfucked, as the case may be.

      If he tries to out-froth frothy by saying something like, "Not only am I against birth control, but I believe it leads to jazz and reefer-smoking", he'll alienate the wimmenzfolk, god bless 'em.

      If he hems and haws and doesn't advocate mandatory chastity belts, he's not going to be perceived as not rabidly misogynistic enough by his party's base (whoever that even is nowadays).

      So, yeah, frothy already has a lock on that particular issue, and Staypuft is shit outta luck.

    1. Callyson

      Sounds like a disease. You know, like "women with breast cancer." So, an inadvertently correct grammatical choice.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        Also: Women for Cain. Sounded like a group for women actively seeking to catch something bad for them.

  2. Baconzgood

    EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

    EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
    WWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
    WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
    WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
    W!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. cheetojeebus

      Thumbalina and her 4 little friends? Cause I'm thinking Callista hasn't touched him since he cancelled the Tiffani's account.

  3. valthemus

    Not "Women *for* Newt" but "Women *with* Newt"? I really don't need to hear any more about that kinky bastard's sex life. I really, really don't.

    1. noodlesalad

      I never thought it would happen to me. Seriously, why did it happen to me? Why?????!!!!! I see jowls everywhere now.

    2. UW8316154

      I never thought this would happen to me, but, I was hanging around my crappy apartment one hot summer afternoon, drying off after taking a swim in the ocean. My doorbell rang, and there was a giant furry elephant and a glassy Ice Queen at the door, asking to borrow the phone. You'll never believe what happened next….

        1. Steverino247

          And the original lube is usually good until about age 40, too. After that, it's a good idea to lube it up before using.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      If you are going to buy a Vulva, the Jackal is the best model. It is the only one that doesn't have mandatory head restraint devices.

  4. noodlesalad

    This was not the first time she has traveled the country looking for women who are interested in her husband.

  5. MissTaken

    I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful women across the country

    She neglects to mention that she's visiting all these women to learn who Newt's going to leave her for when she gets the flu.

    1. SorosBot

      Will Newt also gift that lucky young gold-digger with the plastic surgery to turn her from a human to a vaguely avian looking alien?

      1. MissTaken

        I'm sure instead of flowers Newt brings the business card of the nearest plastic surgeon on a first date.

  6. JustPixelz

    In so many ways, this is just too easy…

    Callistabot is searching for any way out.

    Has Lindsay Graham signed up yet?

    Now we know why he's so "cheerful".

  7. Eve8Apples

    Oh Newt. All Barry has to do is sing another verse of "Let's Stay Together" and the women will drop their panties and abandon you as if you were an old worn out spouse diagnosed with cancer.

  8. Antispandex

    I'm sorry, but this sounds suspiciously like one of those stories that begins, "I never thought this would happen to me…"

  9. elburritodeluxe

    Or… it took almost two months (and untold bling) for his wife to agree to chair a Women for Newt group. Something necessary to convince women to vote for a serial adulterer.

    Even America's worst husband, Herman Cain, had a 'Women for' group before Newt.

  10. Local_Mojo

    Might be more fun to be "Women With Hidradenitis Suppurativa" – a chronic, relapsing, pus-filled inflammation of the sweat glands.

        1. redarmyzombie

          Anything with the words "pus", "sweat glands", and "Relapsing" all in one sentence can never be a pretty thing…

    1. 40 or 50 % McShineys

      It's easy*! As a matter of fact, I can't stop!!

      *First, you declare "masturbate" to mean something slightly different than the common definition. Something like "upchucking lunch."

        1. Generation[redacted]

          Fair? Then it would be fair to say that watching a JFK speech makes Santorum masturbate uncontrollably. I like this changing definitions thing. Why didn't politicians think of this before?

          1. tessiee

            "I like this changing definitions thing. Why didn't politicians think of this before?"

            What do you think they did with "freedom" and "patriot"?

  11. DeeJayKitteh

    I'm going to cleanse my mind of the stomach-churning image of "Women with Newt" and replace it with "Women with Nutella." Muuuuuuch better.

    1. Callyson

      Thank you kindly for that cleansing mental image. I may be able to have sex again sometime in this life if I can just keep focusing. Nutella…nutella…

      1. FROTHY

        One of the ex's girlfriends had a thing for Nutella. She said you could scoop it out the jar and apply directly to thighs and belleh. (She had meaty thighs and an ample belleh, too.)

  12. heathenette

    This is just wrong for so many reasons and on so many levels. BUT isn’t this exaclty what Herman “the man” Cain did right before he bailed? So..then we will be rid of Newt. For now.

  13. Hera Sent Me

    Women are acutely aware that, if we were to elect Newt, in a couple years he'd just dump us for a younger, sexier country.

    First wives, meet first countries.

  14. CountryClubJihadi

    This has GOT to explain the White Volvo Station Wagon with Truck-Nuts that I saw in Pacific Heights this morning.

  15. Arken

    You misquoted Callista. Callista actually said:
    "Over the last INSERT TIME PERIOD I have had the privilege of interfacing with many functional female humans across the country — gathering data about their concerns and hopes for our future. My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right tra-t-tra-t-t-t-t-trac-trac ERROR #7 ABORT ABORT."

  16. VinnyThePooh

    Janet Reno will bring in the tanks to level the place and the Branch Newtonians will commit mass suicide.

  17. Joshua Norton

    Dear Penthouse Forum,

    I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true…..

  18. Doktor Zoom

    The Daily Show had this story wrapped up back before Florida: First and Second wives can't stand Newt, while current trophy wives think he's just misunderstood.

    Single women not included in survey for some reason….

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Easy to say that your husband is misunderstood when you yourself misunderstand him because you're too distracted by your precious new finger trinket.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        A while back, one of our wags (CCJ, I believe) suggested a falcon hood … an idea with considerable merit.

  19. poorgradstudent

    Didn't we already go through this with Herman Cain? What, is Gingrich even stealing his poorly conceived, sleazy ideas from other people now?

  20. V572 Flambé

    Ah, Jim, "carnivorous vulva jackal" just may be greater than "guano faucet."

    And let's have fun with this paragraph. How does the first statement relate to the second?

    [1] Over the last several months, I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful _______ across the country — learning about their concerns and hopes for our future. [2] My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right track.

    Here's the secret: they don't relate at all! Well, maybe if you substitute "many of Newt's predecessor spouses."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Over the last several months, I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful transvestite latex fetishists across the country — learning about their concerns and hopes for our future. My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right track."

      Seems perfectly cohesive to me.

  21. Abernathy

    I sense a creepy, defunct-in-a-day website on the horizon.

    Hey, womenwithnewt.com is still available! If I had any skillz or moneyz, and I thought this "coalition" would still be around next week, I'd buy it and make it funny.

  22. HateMachine

    "did you escape your 1990s stint as a female congressional staffer untouched?"

    Hate to rain on your parade, ladies, but this shit is unimpressive. Get out with your chastity intact as a male congressional staffer and then we'll talk about awarding some medals.

  23. IceCreamEmpress

    Every time I think of Newt, I feel my vagina retreating inside my body to hide behind my Islets of Langerhans. JUST IN CASE!

  24. ttommyunger

    "Women With Newt" doesn't surprise me, Hell, just remember the Log Cabin Republicans, fer Chrissakes… Out of 300 Million people there have to be literally thousands of masochistic twats out there eagerly seeking abuse. They won't be disappointed.

  25. James Michael Curley

    I missed a few health classes in high school. Doesn't women with newt cause you get warts all over your equipment?

  26. owhatever

    Calista made a stop by Tiffany's during her tour across the country, then down to Palm Beach to have her face sanded again, and off to California to see the former home of OJ Simpson and his late wife. Newt usually waits until you get sick, but you never know. Best do some research.

  27. Designer_Rants

    OT: Danika Patrick gets asked about contraception. I love her diplomatic answer. She's got a lot of sponsors, I'm not sure why she's talking to right-wing rags like the "Daily Caller" anyway, but she sure didn't tell them what they wanted to hear.

    Rush Limbaugh, a.k.a. radio’s morning after pill for your intelligence, used an attack on Danica Patrick to stealthily advance the right’s war on contraception.

    NASCAR driver and Roman Catholic Danica Patrick was asked by the Daily Caller what she thought about “the Obama administration’s dictate that religious employers provide health care plans that cover contraceptives.”

    “I leave it up to the government to make good decisions for Americans,” Danica told the shocked outlet.

    Patrick’s answer sent Rush Limbaugh on the attack, sensing an opportunity to insert himself in yet another place he is not wanted, women’s healthcare.
    http://www.politicususa.com/en/rush-limbaugh-dani

    And then Rush sez: "What do you expect from a woman driver?"

    Zing?

    1. Negropolis

      Only the Daily Caller would be "shocked" about this thoroughly banal and unoffensive answer. I'm just happy to find out that she's not a tea partier. That makes her even more attractive.

  28. MRjonz

    I suppose some of you classics educated elitists out there might recall the old adage, "Caesar's wife must be above suspicion.” But of the Great Gingrich’s wife there need be no suspicion, as all know for a fact she was once “the other woman.” I’m surprised Newt the historian never likened himself to Andrew Jackson.

    1. finallyhappy

      Be thou as pure as snow, as chaste as ice, thou shalt not escape calumny. While Callista looks icy- pretty sure there is no pure or chaste there.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Schoolgirls with Newt and octopus tentacles stuck up their vagina and rectum sounds more like Japanese niche porn.

  29. littlebigdaddy

    Well, you can complain all you want, but this is a lot less disturbing than the 15-year olds for Babeau website.

  30. Negropolis

    famously carnivorous vulva jackal

    Jim, I didn't want to love you, and then you come give us this. Thank you. Now, give us some alt text, por favor, and all will have been right with the world.

  31. Dudleydidwrong

    Love the headline: "Polling Notes: Gas and Gingrich" About the same thing, aren't they? Gingrich has a 37% favorable rating among Republican women. In other words, Newt, two out of three women who say they are Republican would rather have Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro for president than you, fucking gas bag.

Comments are closed.