Have you ever been a “Woman with Newt,” or did you escape your 1990s stint as a female congressional staffer untouched? If it’s the latter, then that’s fine, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to make it up and perform your service either now or under the future President Gingrich. See Newt, a famously carnivorous vulva jackal, has finally gotten the memo that ladies can vote, and has thus started the “Women with Newt National Coalition,” a group of ghosts that Callista Gingrich will run around screaming at with little purpose.
Cally herself will lead Women with Newt, alongside such other political comedy-wife figures as Jeri Thompson, the cherished spouse of Fred “Dipshit Magoo” Thompson. “Women” as a demographic group have had mixed feelings about Newt Gingrich this campaign season. On one hand, they completely hate him. Newt Gingrich cut off the other hand with a hatchet.
Say something about women, Cally!
Over the last several months, I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful women across the country — learning about their concerns and hopes for our future. My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right track.
This is bullshit, goodnight!
[TPM]
{ 247 comments }
You can be a Woman with Newt as long as you aren't a Woman with Cancer.
The sign or the exclusionary disease?
"You can be a Woman with Newt as long as you aren't a Woman with Cancer."
Or a woman with standards.
Good thing for Newt that he can buy Calista's time with a line of credit at Tiffany's
Well, hell. And I was this close to declaring for Newt.
"I do declare [fans self, sips mint julep on the verandah], that boy is a P. I. G."
Fourth wives club?
The first rule of wife club is that you do not talk about wife club.
At least not about the previous interations of it.
Is Callista still dreaming of being the "Third Lady of the U.S.?" She's too late to be the First Lady.
Not late enough.
I already have a First Lady, Callista, and she's not a skank.
ROTFLMAO!
Barb, if you're not making money off your comedic wit, it's a damned shame.
According to his precious Catholic religion that Callista gave him, he's still married to that first wife, since there is no divorce. Catch-22.
Women are asking if Newt will help them prevent unwanted pregnancies by prohibiting contraception. WIthout a good answer Newt will end up beaten by Santorum.
Newt can prevent unwanted pregnancies by sending Americans, both men and women, unsolicited nude pics of himself and Callista.
That loud crashing noise you just heard was my legs snapping together.
It works!
Better than aspirin.
Oh no! The law of unintended consequences strikes again.
Oh, I'm sure you'll work your usual magic, you silver-tongued little devil.
Did you crush the Bayer?
Newt already prevents pregnacies. The higher his profile, the more his face and form are displayed on the mass media and the intertubes, the more the collective libido of American womanhood is lowered to a point where they won't be having sexytime with anyone, even the hot guy who cleans the pool.
Obesity also solved, because no one could possibly fuck or eat after seeing that.
Although, we might have a national epidemic of dehydration, due to the water loss from all that vomiting.
The downside of that is that it will cause an unprecedented epidemic of bulimia.
But seriously, he's fucked — or unfucked, as the case may be.
If he tries to out-froth frothy by saying something like, "Not only am I against birth control, but I believe it leads to jazz and reefer-smoking", he'll alienate the wimmenzfolk, god bless 'em.
If he hems and haws and doesn't advocate mandatory chastity belts, he's not going to be perceived as not rabidly misogynistic enough by his party's base (whoever that even is nowadays).
So, yeah, frothy already has a lock on that particular issue, and Staypuft is shit outta luck.
'with', not 'for'? Such a poor choice of prepositions–could be interesting.
Really? Think about "Women For Newt". Think about the harem comments that Jay Leno would spew…
and "in support of" would probably lead to a bunch of bra jokes..
and "in service of" would probably lead to, well, other jokes…
Sounds like a disease. You know, like "women with breast cancer." So, an inadvertently correct grammatical choice.
Also: Women for Cain. Sounded like a group for women actively seeking to catch something bad for them.
Uh … you vanilla beans. Women For Cain totes sounds to ME like some b&d/s&m playspace.
To the moon, bitches!
And when Newt says "bitchez," he means arf-arf, pant-de-pant.
BANG, ZOOM! Straight to da moon, bitches!
I know, I know: Jackie Gleason libel!
Callista, show us on the doll where the bad man touched you.
"First, he touched my fingers, my earlobes and my neckline with his jewelry. "
"Then, he put a pearl necklace on me…"
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
W!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Baconz! Wake up! You fell asleep on your keyboard.
It's this kind of erudite commentary which brings me back to Wonkette again and again.
Attack of the fifty-foot Women Against Ladies.
Is Newt a polygamous Mormon yet?
Still a serial Catholic, as I understand it.
No, but he will be.
Hasn't he been posthumously gayified, yet?
Dood, his humous hasn't been posted yet.
Orgy?
Thumbalina and her 4 little friends? Cause I'm thinking Callista hasn't touched him since he cancelled the Tiffani's account.
Sure, when did you have in mind?
Z, what on earth goes on at your place?
Not that much, when you consider that my partners and I are a bunch of ancient, gimpy geeks.
Not "Women *for* Newt" but "Women *with* Newt"? I really don't need to hear any more about that kinky bastard's sex life. I really, really don't.
A whole coalition of women with Newt, definitely confirms the open marriage statement.
"Women for Newt" was already taken: http://www.womenfornewt.com. The incompetent blowhard and his idiotic campaign staff didn't even know to lock up domain names.
Is this the shitty version of Women of Penthouse?
I never thought it would happen to me. Seriously, why did it happen to me? Why?????!!!!! I see jowls everywhere now.
I never thought this would happen to me, but, I was hanging around my crappy apartment one hot summer afternoon, drying off after taking a swim in the ocean. My doorbell rang, and there was a giant furry elephant and a glassy Ice Queen at the door, asking to borrow the phone. You'll never believe what happened next….
Today we are all vulva jackals!
Vulva Jackals would make an awesome name for an Oompah band
Why do I get the mental image of a group of sexually deviant little people with guitars?
Jimmy Page approves of this comment.
Why the Metallica hate????
Or an OK Cupid profile.
I hade a Vulva once. It was great in the snow but had bad gas mileage.
Vulva: They're boxy, but they're good!
Has to be better than a Renault Fuego.
Or as my friend called his, "Phew-Eggo"
Remember Le Car?
They were invariably owned/driven by L'Asshole.
And the original lube is usually good until about age 40, too. After that, it's a good idea to lube it up before using.
Vulva Cross Country is the best.
They heavied up the front and rear suspension, if you know what I mean.
If you are going to buy a Vulva, the Jackal is the best model. It is the only one that doesn't have mandatory head restraint devices.
I thought that's what the ears were for.
Republican gangbang
Corporally speaking, Newt is kind of a gang, already.
Refer this to the Department of Redundancy Department.
Clever Newt, forming his own completely legal harem! SIGN ME UP.
This was not the first time she has traveled the country looking for women who are interested in her husband.
"Take my husband…please!"
"He always wants to be on top! I can't take it anymore!"
But this is the first time she hasn't done it armed with a blade.
So, this is essentially a farm system for Newt's future wives?
Yes, and like with baseball, there's different levels: Class A, AA, AAA, B, C, and DD.
But no Mexican League because, well, they'd be illegal.
In fairness, the balls in Mexico hang lower
Do they dangle to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
The DD Cup is the most prestigous and sought after cup in all of sports.
So he's running an open campaign, then … ?
An open zipper campaign.
Remember, you can't spell "women" without "Newt" (the extra "t" is for titties).
A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a First Stepford.
"A journey of a 1,000
mileswives begins with the First Stepford. "Fixed.
I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful women across the country
She neglects to mention that she's visiting all these women to learn who Newt's going to leave her for when she gets the flu.
Will Newt also gift that lucky young gold-digger with the plastic surgery to turn her from a human to a vaguely avian looking alien?
I'm sure instead of flowers Newt brings the business card of the nearest plastic surgeon on a first date.
Along with the Tiffany's gift certificate he exchanges for blowjobs.
That ain't no woman, honey. Baby, that's a man!
Isn't "Women With Newt" the same thing as "Chicks with Dicks"?
Yes, in fact it's a direct translation.
In so many ways, this is just too easy…
Callistabot is searching for any way out.
Has Lindsay Graham signed up yet?
Now we know why he's so "cheerful".
It would make me very happy to sign up.
Cheers!
Nips for Newt!
Not to be outdone, Mitt has started the "Poors with Romney National Coalition".
Oh Newt. All Barry has to do is sing another verse of "Let's Stay Together" and the women will drop their panties and abandon you as if you were an old worn out spouse diagnosed with cancer.
Panties everywhere will flutter down like raindrops from the sky.
Tru dat.
I'd like to send Barry a requests list. I want to hear some Sam Cooke and Prince covers, myself.
"Women With Newt"! Just thinking about it is a new form of contraception!
I'm sorry, but this sounds suspiciously like one of those stories that begins, "I never thought this would happen to me…"
And ends with "What have I done to deserve this?"
Or… it took almost two months (and untold bling) for his wife to agree to chair a Women for Newt group. Something necessary to convince women to vote for a serial adulterer.
Even America's worst husband, Herman Cain, had a 'Women for' group before Newt.
Yes and it was creepy, and now Newt and Herm can have a creep off.
They're both jerks; does that mean they can have a jerk off?
Not to mention the "Aging strippers for Ron Paul calender".
I knew a woman with newt once, but a little Valtrex cleared it right up.
Might be more fun to be "Women With Hidradenitis Suppurativa" – a chronic, relapsing, pus-filled inflammation of the sweat glands.
Foul! This will not be entering my vocabulary.
Or "Women with Newt" for short.
Can't imagine what the possible side effects of the drug you would take to cure that would be.
Why oh why did I google for images of that?
I have not learned my lesson.
No, obviously, you haven't. Thank goodness that I, for once, read to the end of the thread before Googling.
Anything with the words "pus", "sweat glands", and "Relapsing" all in one sentence can never be a pretty thing…
I find this extremely difficult to masturbate to.
It's easy*! As a matter of fact, I can't stop!!
*First, you declare "masturbate" to mean something slightly different than the common definition. Something like "upchucking lunch."
Well, yeah, but if you get to change terms and definitions after the game starts it's not exactly FAIR, is it?
Fair? Then it would be fair to say that watching a JFK speech makes Santorum masturbate uncontrollably. I like this changing definitions thing. Why didn't politicians think of this before?
See what I mean?
"I like this changing definitions thing. Why didn't politicians think of this before?"
What do you think they did with "freedom" and "patriot"?
Really?
Can't wait to see the saggy calendar!
I'm going to cleanse my mind of the stomach-churning image of "Women with Newt" and replace it with "Women with Nutella." Muuuuuuch better.
Thank you kindly for that cleansing mental image. I may be able to have sex again sometime in this life if I can just keep focusing. Nutella…nutella…
One of the ex's girlfriends had a thing for Nutella. She said you could scoop it out the jar and apply directly to thighs and belleh. (She had meaty thighs and an ample belleh, too.)
And then what? Stop being such a tease.
Biely, you little devil! I would never have thunk it of ya!
I'ma go with "Women with Biff", myself.
Quelle surprise!
Ladies, don't do it, you'll catch the cancer (or MS)!!!
Newt and his wife the Chicken Lady. Perfect for this zoo of a nation.
Is that from a Bruce Springsteen song?
I hope this group is as classy as Women for Cain was.
This is just wrong for so many reasons and on so many levels. BUT isn’t this exaclty what Herman “the man” Cain did right before he bailed? So..then we will be rid of Newt. For now.
Women are acutely aware that, if we were to elect Newt, in a couple years he'd just dump us for a younger, sexier country.
First wives, meet first countries.
I heard China laughed in his face and hung up on him.
Who ordered the Newt? How did you want your women with that?
Eh, ground up and sprinkled, of course.
This has GOT to explain the White Volvo Station Wagon with Truck-Nuts that I saw in Pacific Heights this morning.
Oh, you think MissTaken drives a truck, huh?
No, she just has a little compact car; with no Truck Nutz that I could see.
Shh! CCJ doesn't KNOW THAT!
It's a Poontemkin village.
You misquoted Callista. Callista actually said:
"Over the last INSERT TIME PERIOD I have had the privilege of interfacing with many functional female humans across the country — gathering data about their concerns and hopes for our future. My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right tra-t-tra-t-t-t-t-trac-trac ERROR #7 ABORT ABORT."
"I. Endorse. This. Event and/or Product."
Janet Reno will bring in the tanks to level the place and the Branch Newtonians will commit mass suicide.
What's her number? I could pay her some munniez.
Who will go after the all important tranny vote?
Who will go after the all important t^^Y^^ranny vote?
FIFY, NNTT
Newt and women's issues. Two things that go together like waffle iron and forehead.
You know, I *tried* doing that, and I'm just here to say that waffle iron and forehead do NOT go together AT ALL!
Or like blue and waffle.
Ladies love cool Newt.
Wait, that's not true at all.
Dear Penthouse Forum,
I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true…..
Is it possible that Callista is secretly albino?
Dunno. She gives off equal amounts of chloroform and household blech, though.
It ain't no secret from anyone who can see.
Animatron probably
Hope not. Keeping white carpet clean is a real PITA.
Somebody's *extra sparkly* tonight!
Those are sparks, not sparkle. Big difference.
Right. (dusts at holes in clothing)
I'll try to remember that.
YUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!,……wait ………NO! too much Storage Wars.
I am not a Woman with Newt. However, I have had vaginal warts. Does that count?
Were they Newt-shaped?
Totally pedunculated.
They count.
It must of been that picture of newt as a gladiator on the cover of Newsweek that started the group.
A happy Roman?
Women with Newt. Sounds like the people you might meet in a drugstore aisle.
Ah- but WHICH aisle?!
Don't ask! We really don't want to know!
The Daily Show had this story wrapped up back before Florida: First and Second wives can't stand Newt, while current trophy wives think he's just misunderstood.
Single women not included in survey for some reason….
Easy to say that your husband is misunderstood when you yourself misunderstand him because you're too distracted by your precious new finger trinket.
I'm sure it will be as fluent and humorous as her at CuntPAC.
Good god, that beak!
A while back, one of our wags (CCJ, I believe) suggested a falcon hood … an idea with considerable merit.
I would love to develop an “Angry Birds” character of her.
I assumed she WAS the inspiration for Angry Birds.
Seriously, you could carve a roast beef with that thing.
Well, that Elephant's trunk looks a little flaccid to me. I think I will pass.
Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter
Didn't we already go through this with Herman Cain? What, is Gingrich even stealing his poorly conceived, sleazy ideas from other people now?
Women with Newt with MONEY.
/fixed
If those Republican women suck cock as well as Republican men do, it could be a hot old time.
Ah, Jim, "carnivorous vulva jackal" just may be greater than "guano faucet."
And let's have fun with this paragraph. How does the first statement relate to the second?
Here's the secret: they don't relate at all! Well, maybe if you substitute "many of Newt's predecessor spouses."
I noticed that, too- the two ideas are totally unrelated. God these people are stupid.
"Over the last several months, I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful transvestite latex fetishists across the country — learning about their concerns and hopes for our future. My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right track."
Seems perfectly cohesive to me.
Their superPAC is funded by the hair spray lobby.
Can they call it a group with just one member?
You're speaking of newt's, right?
Great minds think alike.
Or small minds seldom differ. You pick.
If she's schizophrenic enough.
I sense a creepy, defunct-in-a-day website on the horizon.
Hey, womenwithnewt.com is still available! If I had any skillz or moneyz, and I thought this "coalition" would still be around next week, I'd buy it and make it funny.
Get ready for hawt AZ. wingnut-on-wingnut voting!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.thegreenpapers.com/P12/AZ-R#0228
Cally,
Needs to hang around people she can show off her diamonds to.
"did you escape your 1990s stint as a female congressional staffer untouched?"
Hate to rain on your parade, ladies, but this shit is unimpressive. Get out with your chastity intact as a male congressional staffer and then we'll talk about awarding some medals.
Every time I think of Newt, I feel my vagina retreating inside my body to hide behind my Islets of Langerhans. JUST IN CASE!
Isn't that just a teensy-weensy bit, you know, HIGH UP IN THE BODY?
It's a factor of the extent of Newt's repulsiveness, not of the extent of his dong!
Right. OK. Got that.
Careful, you can get diabetes that way.
That CLANK! you heard was mine slamming shut.
Is this the new dating site to replace Cain's?
Apparently Valtrex clears it right up, but you have to take it for the rest of your life.
"Women With Newt" doesn't surprise me, Hell, just remember the Log Cabin Republicans, fer Chrissakes… Out of 300 Million people there have to be literally thousands of masochistic twats out there eagerly seeking abuse. They won't be disappointed.
Republicants not even trying anymore, are they?
I missed a few health classes in high school. Doesn't women with newt cause you get warts all over your equipment?
Calista made a stop by Tiffany's during her tour across the country, then down to Palm Beach to have her face sanded again, and off to California to see the former home of OJ Simpson and his late wife. Newt usually waits until you get sick, but you never know. Best do some research.
i find myself strangely nostalgic for donald trump.
That is a scary thought.
OT: Danika Patrick gets asked about contraception. I love her diplomatic answer. She's got a lot of sponsors, I'm not sure why she's talking to right-wing rags like the "Daily Caller" anyway, but she sure didn't tell them what they wanted to hear.
And then Rush sez: "What do you expect from a woman driver?"
Zing?
How 'bout some negative zing?
Methinks Rush's irony sensors need calibration. Assuming he's had them installed.
Only the Daily Caller would be "shocked" about this thoroughly banal and unoffensive answer. I'm just happy to find out that she's not a tea partier. That makes her even more attractive.
Are they all Shutterstock ladies, like Herman's were? Those gals sure do get around.
What, does dear Cally have cancer? Is Newt holding open auditions?
This is NOT the Geico Salamander, ladies. BE ADVISED
(Labored sigh.) Call me when the Herman-Cain-Style Website launches.
Do you ladies take care of that with plain Vagisil or do you need actual penicillin?
Only slightly OT
BREAKTHROUGH STUDY: Rich people are assholes.
In OTHER news, water is wet.
Fire suspected to be hot.
Film at 11.
Would someone please think about all those women WITHOUT Newt?
Herman? Herman Cain, is that you?
I suppose some of you classics educated elitists out there might recall the old adage, "Caesar's wife must be above suspicion.” But of the Great Gingrich’s wife there need be no suspicion, as all know for a fact she was once “the other woman.” I’m surprised Newt the historian never likened himself to Andrew Jackson.
Be thou as pure as snow, as chaste as ice, thou shalt not escape calumny. While Callista looks icy- pretty sure there is no pure or chaste there.
Is it just me, or does "Women With Newt" sounds like Japanese niche porn?
Schoolgirls with Newt and octopus tentacles stuck up their vagina and rectum sounds more like Japanese niche porn.
"Women with Newt"
In what respect, Charlie?
His milkshakes bring all the girls to the yard…
Well, you can complain all you want, but this is a lot less disturbing than the 15-year olds for Babeau website.
Jim, I didn't want to love you, and then you come give us this. Thank you. Now, give us some alt text, por favor, and all will have been right with the world.
I much prefer women with Santorum.
This is a joke, right? Blowjobs part of the initiation ceremoney and such? C'mon!
Some taste, but not a lot of it: http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/rick-santo…
Love the headline: "Polling Notes: Gas and Gingrich" About the same thing, aren't they? Gingrich has a 37% favorable rating among Republican women. In other words, Newt, two out of three women who say they are Republican would rather have Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro for president than you, fucking gas bag.
You should've been here last week, they had a guy fucking a turkey.
I merely had the interests of our fellow Wonketeers in mind.
Of *course*!
most of whom probably never L'GotAnywhere.
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