NEW WOMEN COALITIONS FOR WOMEN  4:47 pm February 27, 2012

All American Ladies Rush To Join ‘Women With Newt’

by Jim Newell

Have you ever been a “Woman with Newt,” or did you escape your 1990s stint as a female congressional staffer untouched? If it’s the latter, then that’s fine, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to make it up and perform your service either now or under the future President Gingrich. See Newt, a famously carnivorous vulva jackal, has finally gotten the memo that ladies can vote, and has thus started the “Women with Newt National Coalition,” a group of ghosts that Callista Gingrich will run around screaming at with little purpose.

Cally herself will lead Women with Newt, alongside such other political comedy-wife figures as Jeri Thompson, the cherished spouse of Fred “Dipshit Magoo” Thompson. “Women” as a demographic group have had mixed feelings about Newt Gingrich this campaign season. On one hand, they completely hate him. Newt Gingrich cut off the other hand with a hatchet.

Say something about women, Cally!

Over the last several months, I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful women across the country — learning about their concerns and hopes for our future. My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right track.

This is bullshit, goodnight!

[TPM]

 
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{ 247 comments }

BaldarTFlagass February 27, 2012 at 4:48 pm

You can be a Woman with Newt as long as you aren't a Woman with Cancer.

nounverb911 February 27, 2012 at 4:50 pm

The sign or the exclusionary disease?

valthemus February 27, 2012 at 4:54 pm

"You can be a Woman with Newt as long as you aren't a Woman with Cancer."

Or a woman with standards.

Terry February 27, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Good thing for Newt that he can buy Calista's time with a line of credit at Tiffany's

MinAgain February 27, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Well, hell. And I was this close to declaring for Newt.

tessiee February 27, 2012 at 11:39 pm

"I do declare [fans self, sips mint julep on the verandah], that boy is a P. I. G."

nounverb911 February 27, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Fourth wives club?

bagofmice February 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm

The first rule of wife club is that you do not talk about wife club.

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 10:48 pm

At least not about the previous interations of it.

Barb February 27, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Is Callista still dreaming of being the "Third Lady of the U.S.?" She's too late to be the First Lady.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Not late enough.

I already have a First Lady, Callista, and she's not a skank.

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 10:49 pm

ROTFLMAO!

Barb, if you're not making money off your comedic wit, it's a damned shame.

NYNYNYjr February 28, 2012 at 3:16 pm

According to his precious Catholic religion that Callista gave him, he's still married to that first wife, since there is no divorce. Catch-22.

Come here a minute February 27, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Women are asking if Newt will help them prevent unwanted pregnancies by prohibiting contraception. WIthout a good answer Newt will end up beaten by Santorum.

SorosBot February 27, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Newt can prevent unwanted pregnancies by sending Americans, both men and women, unsolicited nude pics of himself and Callista.

MissTaken February 27, 2012 at 5:09 pm

That loud crashing noise you just heard was my legs snapping together.

It works!

bagofmice February 27, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Better than aspirin.

SorosBot February 27, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Oh no! The law of unintended consequences strikes again.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Oh, I'm sure you'll work your usual magic, you silver-tongued little devil.

starfanglednut February 27, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Did you crush the Bayer?

Numbat_Dundee February 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Newt already prevents pregnacies. The higher his profile, the more his face and form are displayed on the mass media and the intertubes, the more the collective libido of American womanhood is lowered to a point where they won't be having sexytime with anyone, even the hot guy who cleans the pool.

widestanceromance February 27, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Obesity also solved, because no one could possibly fuck or eat after seeing that.

redarmyzombie February 27, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Although, we might have a national epidemic of dehydration, due to the water loss from all that vomiting.

tessiee February 27, 2012 at 11:41 pm

The downside of that is that it will cause an unprecedented epidemic of bulimia.

tessiee February 27, 2012 at 11:43 pm

But seriously, he's fucked — or unfucked, as the case may be.

If he tries to out-froth frothy by saying something like, "Not only am I against birth control, but I believe it leads to jazz and reefer-smoking", he'll alienate the wimmenzfolk, god bless 'em.

If he hems and haws and doesn't advocate mandatory chastity belts, he's not going to be perceived as not rabidly misogynistic enough by his party's base (whoever that even is nowadays).

So, yeah, frothy already has a lock on that particular issue, and Staypuft is shit outta luck.

smokefilledroommate February 27, 2012 at 4:51 pm

'with', not 'for'? Such a poor choice of prepositions–could be interesting.

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Really? Think about "Women For Newt". Think about the harem comments that Jay Leno would spew…

smokefilledroommate February 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

and "in support of" would probably lead to a bunch of bra jokes..

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 11:20 pm

and "in service of" would probably lead to, well, other jokes…

Callyson February 27, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Sounds like a disease. You know, like "women with breast cancer." So, an inadvertently correct grammatical choice.

Loaded_Pants February 27, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Also: Women for Cain. Sounded like a group for women actively seeking to catch something bad for them.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Uh … you vanilla beans. Women For Cain totes sounds to ME like some b&d/s&m playspace.

4TheTurnstiles February 27, 2012 at 4:51 pm

To the moon, bitches!

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:23 pm

And when Newt says "bitchez," he means arf-arf, pant-de-pant.

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 11:21 pm

BANG, ZOOM! Straight to da moon, bitches!

I know, I know: Jackie Gleason libel!

BarackMyWorld February 27, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Callista, show us on the doll where the bad man touched you.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 27, 2012 at 8:16 pm

"First, he touched my fingers, my earlobes and my neckline with his jewelry. "

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 11:23 pm

"Then, he put a pearl necklace on me…"

Baconzgood February 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
W!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

starfanglednut February 27, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Baconz! Wake up! You fell asleep on your keyboard.

bikerlaureate February 27, 2012 at 11:20 pm

It's this kind of erudite commentary which brings me back to Wonkette again and again.

UnionAgitator February 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Attack of the fifty-foot Women Against Ladies.

nounverb911 February 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Is Newt a polygamous Mormon yet?

UW8316154 February 27, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Still a serial Catholic, as I understand it.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:23 pm

No, but he will be.

Biff February 27, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Hasn't he been posthumously gayified, yet?

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Dood, his humous hasn't been posted yet.

WinterOuthouse February 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Orgy?

cheetojeebus February 27, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Thumbalina and her 4 little friends? Cause I'm thinking Callista hasn't touched him since he cancelled the Tiffani's account.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Sure, when did you have in mind?

starfanglednut February 27, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Z, what on earth goes on at your place?

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Not that much, when you consider that my partners and I are a bunch of ancient, gimpy geeks.

valthemus February 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Not "Women *for* Newt" but "Women *with* Newt"? I really don't need to hear any more about that kinky bastard's sex life. I really, really don't.

PubOption February 27, 2012 at 5:09 pm

A whole coalition of women with Newt, definitely confirms the open marriage statement.

Troglodeity February 28, 2012 at 2:59 pm

"Women for Newt" was already taken: http://www.womenfornewt.com. The incompetent blowhard and his idiotic campaign staff didn't even know to lock up domain names.

Baconzgood February 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Is this the shitty version of Women of Penthouse?

noodlesalad February 27, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I never thought it would happen to me. Seriously, why did it happen to me? Why?????!!!!! I see jowls everywhere now.

UW8316154 February 27, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I never thought this would happen to me, but, I was hanging around my crappy apartment one hot summer afternoon, drying off after taking a swim in the ocean. My doorbell rang, and there was a giant furry elephant and a glassy Ice Queen at the door, asking to borrow the phone. You'll never believe what happened next….

littlebigdaddy February 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Today we are all vulva jackals!

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Vulva Jackals would make an awesome name for an Oompah band

smokefilledroommate February 27, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Why do I get the mental image of a group of sexually deviant little people with guitars?

slowhansolo February 27, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Jimmy Page approves of this comment.

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Why the Metallica hate????

DeeJayKitteh February 27, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Or an OK Cupid profile.

Baconzgood February 27, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I hade a Vulva once. It was great in the snow but had bad gas mileage.

MissTaken February 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Vulva: They're boxy, but they're good!

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Has to be better than a Renault Fuego.

Or as my friend called his, "Phew-Eggo"

tessiee February 27, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Remember Le Car?
They were invariably owned/driven by L'Asshole.

Steverino247 February 27, 2012 at 6:18 pm

And the original lube is usually good until about age 40, too. After that, it's a good idea to lube it up before using.

HempDogbane February 27, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Vulva Cross Country is the best.

Chet Kincaid February 27, 2012 at 6:22 pm

They heavied up the front and rear suspension, if you know what I mean.

littlebigdaddy February 27, 2012 at 9:44 pm

If you are going to buy a Vulva, the Jackal is the best model. It is the only one that doesn't have mandatory head restraint devices.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I thought that's what the ears were for.

WinterOuthouse February 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Republican gangbang

40 or 50 % McShineys February 27, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Corporally speaking, Newt is kind of a gang, already.

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Refer this to the Department of Redundancy Department.

banana_bread February 27, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Clever Newt, forming his own completely legal harem! SIGN ME UP.

noodlesalad February 27, 2012 at 4:53 pm

This was not the first time she has traveled the country looking for women who are interested in her husband.

Callyson February 27, 2012 at 5:25 pm

"Take my husband…please!"

Loaded_Pants February 27, 2012 at 5:41 pm

"He always wants to be on top! I can't take it anymore!"

Chichikovovich February 27, 2012 at 5:57 pm

But this is the first time she hasn't done it armed with a blade.

DrunkIrishman February 27, 2012 at 4:53 pm

So, this is essentially a farm system for Newt's future wives?

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Yes, and like with baseball, there's different levels: Class A, AA, AAA, B, C, and DD.

DrunkIrishman February 27, 2012 at 5:01 pm

But no Mexican League because, well, they'd be illegal.

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 5:05 pm

In fairness, the balls in Mexico hang lower

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Do they dangle to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 11:27 pm

The DD Cup is the most prestigous and sought after cup in all of sports.

UnholyMoses February 27, 2012 at 4:53 pm

So he's running an open campaign, then … ?

Slim_Pickins February 27, 2012 at 7:46 pm

An open zipper campaign.

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Remember, you can't spell "women" without "Newt" (the extra "t" is for titties).

slowhansolo February 27, 2012 at 4:54 pm

A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a First Stepford.

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 11:28 pm

"A journey of a 1,000 miles wives begins with the First Stepford. "

Fixed.

MissTaken February 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful women across the country

She neglects to mention that she's visiting all these women to learn who Newt's going to leave her for when she gets the flu.

SorosBot February 27, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Will Newt also gift that lucky young gold-digger with the plastic surgery to turn her from a human to a vaguely avian looking alien?

MissTaken February 27, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I'm sure instead of flowers Newt brings the business card of the nearest plastic surgeon on a first date.

SorosBot February 27, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Along with the Tiffany's gift certificate he exchanges for blowjobs.

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 11:30 pm

That ain't no woman, honey. Baby, that's a man!

Chillwillard February 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Isn't "Women With Newt" the same thing as "Chicks with Dicks"?

MissTaken February 27, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Yes, in fact it's a direct translation.

JustPixelz February 27, 2012 at 4:56 pm

In so many ways, this is just too easy…

Callistabot is searching for any way out.

Has Lindsay Graham signed up yet?

Now we know why he's so "cheerful".

Graham Cracker February 27, 2012 at 7:07 pm

It would make me very happy to sign up.

Cheers!

Schmannnity February 27, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Nips for Newt!

GuanoFaucet February 27, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Not to be outdone, Mitt has started the "Poors with Romney National Coalition".

Eve8Apples February 27, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Oh Newt. All Barry has to do is sing another verse of "Let's Stay Together" and the women will drop their panties and abandon you as if you were an old worn out spouse diagnosed with cancer.

redarmyzombie February 27, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Panties everywhere will flutter down like raindrops from the sky.

starfanglednut February 27, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Tru dat.

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 11:32 pm

I'd like to send Barry a requests list. I want to hear some Sam Cooke and Prince covers, myself.

Chet Kincaid February 27, 2012 at 5:01 pm

"Women With Newt"! Just thinking about it is a new form of contraception!

Antispandex February 27, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I'm sorry, but this sounds suspiciously like one of those stories that begins, "I never thought this would happen to me…"

Callyson February 27, 2012 at 5:26 pm

And ends with "What have I done to deserve this?"

elburritodeluxe February 27, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Or… it took almost two months (and untold bling) for his wife to agree to chair a Women for Newt group. Something necessary to convince women to vote for a serial adulterer.

Even America's worst husband, Herman Cain, had a 'Women for' group before Newt.

Beowoof February 27, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Yes and it was creepy, and now Newt and Herm can have a creep off.

tessiee February 27, 2012 at 11:51 pm

They're both jerks; does that mean they can have a jerk off?

BigDumbRedDog February 27, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Not to mention the "Aging strippers for Ron Paul calender".

kissawookiee February 27, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I knew a woman with newt once, but a little Valtrex cleared it right up.

Local_Mojo February 27, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Might be more fun to be "Women With Hidradenitis Suppurativa" – a chronic, relapsing, pus-filled inflammation of the sweat glands.

Schmannnity February 27, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Foul! This will not be entering my vocabulary.

HempDogbane February 27, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Or "Women with Newt" for short.

GOPCrusher February 27, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Can't imagine what the possible side effects of the drug you would take to cure that would be.

Loaded_Pants February 27, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Why oh why did I google for images of that?

I have not learned my lesson.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:31 pm

No, obviously, you haven't. Thank goodness that I, for once, read to the end of the thread before Googling.

redarmyzombie February 27, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Anything with the words "pus", "sweat glands", and "Relapsing" all in one sentence can never be a pretty thing…

Generation[redacted] February 27, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I find this extremely difficult to masturbate to.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 27, 2012 at 8:26 pm

It's easy*! As a matter of fact, I can't stop!!

*First, you declare "masturbate" to mean something slightly different than the common definition. Something like "upchucking lunch."

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Well, yeah, but if you get to change terms and definitions after the game starts it's not exactly FAIR, is it?

Generation[redacted] February 27, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Fair? Then it would be fair to say that watching a JFK speech makes Santorum masturbate uncontrollably. I like this changing definitions thing. Why didn't politicians think of this before?

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 10:01 pm

See what I mean?

tessiee February 27, 2012 at 11:53 pm

"I like this changing definitions thing. Why didn't politicians think of this before?"

What do you think they did with "freedom" and "patriot"?

littlebigdaddy February 27, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Really?

smokefilledroommate February 27, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Can't wait to see the saggy calendar!

DeeJayKitteh February 27, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I'm going to cleanse my mind of the stomach-churning image of "Women with Newt" and replace it with "Women with Nutella." Muuuuuuch better.

Callyson February 27, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Thank you kindly for that cleansing mental image. I may be able to have sex again sometime in this life if I can just keep focusing. Nutella…nutella…

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm

One of the ex's girlfriends had a thing for Nutella. She said you could scoop it out the jar and apply directly to thighs and belleh. (She had meaty thighs and an ample belleh, too.)

Biel_ze_Bubba February 27, 2012 at 8:15 pm

And then what? Stop being such a tease.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Biely, you little devil! I would never have thunk it of ya!

Biff February 27, 2012 at 7:09 pm

I'ma go with "Women with Biff", myself.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Quelle surprise!

Bonzos_Bed_Time February 27, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Ladies, don't do it, you'll catch the cancer (or MS)!!!

JackObin February 27, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Newt and his wife the Chicken Lady. Perfect for this zoo of a nation.

littlebigdaddy February 27, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Is that from a Bruce Springsteen song?

BarackMyWorld February 27, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I hope this group is as classy as Women for Cain was.

heathenette February 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm

This is just wrong for so many reasons and on so many levels. BUT isn’t this exaclty what Herman “the man” Cain did right before he bailed? So..then we will be rid of Newt. For now.

Hera Sent Me February 27, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Women are acutely aware that, if we were to elect Newt, in a couple years he'd just dump us for a younger, sexier country.

First wives, meet first countries.

tessiee February 27, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I heard China laughed in his face and hung up on him.

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Who ordered the Newt? How did you want your women with that?

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Eh, ground up and sprinkled, of course.

CountryClubJihadi February 27, 2012 at 5:18 pm

This has GOT to explain the White Volvo Station Wagon with Truck-Nuts that I saw in Pacific Heights this morning.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Oh, you think MissTaken drives a truck, huh?

SorosBot February 27, 2012 at 7:16 pm

No, she just has a little compact car; with no Truck Nutz that I could see.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Shh! CCJ doesn't KNOW THAT!

SayItWithWookies February 27, 2012 at 5:18 pm

It's a Poontemkin village.

Arken February 27, 2012 at 5:19 pm

You misquoted Callista. Callista actually said:
"Over the last INSERT TIME PERIOD I have had the privilege of interfacing with many functional female humans across the country — gathering data about their concerns and hopes for our future. My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right tra-t-tra-t-t-t-t-trac-trac ERROR #7 ABORT ABORT."

tessiee February 27, 2012 at 11:55 pm

"I. Endorse. This. Event and/or Product."

VinnyThePooh February 27, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Janet Reno will bring in the tanks to level the place and the Branch Newtonians will commit mass suicide.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:34 pm

What's her number? I could pay her some munniez.

RadioSBJ February 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Who will go after the all important tranny vote?

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Who will go after the all important t^^Y^^ranny vote?

FIFY, NNTT

Joshua Norton February 27, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Newt and women's issues. Two things that go together like waffle iron and forehead.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:35 pm

You know, I *tried* doing that, and I'm just here to say that waffle iron and forehead do NOT go together AT ALL!

tessiee February 27, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Or like blue and waffle.

GhostBuggy February 27, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Ladies love cool Newt.

Wait, that's not true at all.

Joshua Norton February 27, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true…..

Guppy February 27, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Is it possible that Callista is secretly albino?

Mumbletypeg February 27, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Dunno. She gives off equal amounts of chloroform and household blech, though.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:36 pm

It ain't no secret from anyone who can see.

Slim_Pickins February 27, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Animatron probably

Biel_ze_Bubba February 27, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Hope not. Keeping white carpet clean is a real PITA.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Somebody's *extra sparkly* tonight!

Biel_ze_Bubba February 27, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Those are sparks, not sparkle. Big difference.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Right. (dusts at holes in clothing)

I'll try to remember that.

meatlofer February 27, 2012 at 5:38 pm

YUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!,……wait ………NO! too much Storage Wars.

Geminisunmars February 27, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I am not a Woman with Newt. However, I have had vaginal warts. Does that count?

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Were they Newt-shaped?

Geminisunmars February 27, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Totally pedunculated.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 7:28 pm

They count.

LagunaB February 27, 2012 at 5:45 pm

It must of been that picture of newt as a gladiator on the cover of Newsweek that started the group.

Barrelhse February 27, 2012 at 9:39 pm

A happy Roman?

MinAgain February 27, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Women with Newt. Sounds like the people you might meet in a drugstore aisle.

Barrelhse February 27, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Ah- but WHICH aisle?!

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Don't ask! We really don't want to know!

Doktor Zoom February 27, 2012 at 5:49 pm

The Daily Show had this story wrapped up back before Florida: First and Second wives can't stand Newt, while current trophy wives think he's just misunderstood.

Single women not included in survey for some reason….

Loaded_Pants February 27, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Easy to say that your husband is misunderstood when you yourself misunderstand him because you're too distracted by your precious new finger trinket.

RadioCualquier February 27, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I'm sure it will be as fluent and humorous as her at CuntPAC.

Biff February 27, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Good god, that beak!

Biel_ze_Bubba February 27, 2012 at 8:25 pm

A while back, one of our wags (CCJ, I believe) suggested a falcon hood … an idea with considerable merit.

Biff February 27, 2012 at 8:59 pm

I would love to develop an “Angry Birds” character of her.

ProgressiveInga February 27, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I assumed she WAS the inspiration for Angry Birds.

tessiee February 28, 2012 at 12:01 am

Seriously, you could carve a roast beef with that thing.

SqueekyFromm February 27, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Well, that Elephant's trunk looks a little flaccid to me. I think I will pass.

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter

poorgradstudent February 27, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Didn't we already go through this with Herman Cain? What, is Gingrich even stealing his poorly conceived, sleazy ideas from other people now?

rocktonsam February 27, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Women with Newt with MONEY.

/fixed

Barrelhse February 27, 2012 at 6:29 pm

If those Republican women suck cock as well as Republican men do, it could be a hot old time.

V572 Flambé February 27, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Ah, Jim, "carnivorous vulva jackal" just may be greater than "guano faucet."

And let's have fun with this paragraph. How does the first statement relate to the second?

[1] Over the last several months, I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful _______ across the country — learning about their concerns and hopes for our future. [2] My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right track.

Here's the secret: they don't relate at all! Well, maybe if you substitute "many of Newt's predecessor spouses."

Barrelhse February 27, 2012 at 7:17 pm

I noticed that, too- the two ideas are totally unrelated. God these people are stupid.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 27, 2012 at 8:45 pm

"Over the last several months, I have had the privilege of visiting with many wonderful transvestite latex fetishists across the country — learning about their concerns and hopes for our future. My husband is the only candidate with the experience, knowledge, and vision to get our country back on the right track."

Seems perfectly cohesive to me.

mavenmaven February 27, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Their superPAC is funded by the hair spray lobby.

sharethegrief February 27, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Can they call it a group with just one member?

Biff February 27, 2012 at 7:16 pm

You're speaking of newt's, right?

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Great minds think alike.

Or small minds seldom differ. You pick.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 27, 2012 at 8:46 pm

If she's schizophrenic enough.

Abernathy February 27, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I sense a creepy, defunct-in-a-day website on the horizon.

Hey, womenwithnewt.com is still available! If I had any skillz or moneyz, and I thought this "coalition" would still be around next week, I'd buy it and make it funny.

Blueb4sunrise February 27, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Get ready for hawt AZ. wingnut-on-wingnut voting!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.thegreenpapers.com/P12/AZ-R#0228

fitley February 27, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Cally,
Needs to hang around people she can show off her diamonds to.

HateMachine February 27, 2012 at 7:06 pm

"did you escape your 1990s stint as a female congressional staffer untouched?"

Hate to rain on your parade, ladies, but this shit is unimpressive. Get out with your chastity intact as a male congressional staffer and then we'll talk about awarding some medals.

IceCreamEmpress February 27, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Every time I think of Newt, I feel my vagina retreating inside my body to hide behind my Islets of Langerhans. JUST IN CASE!

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Isn't that just a teensy-weensy bit, you know, HIGH UP IN THE BODY?

IceCreamEmpress February 27, 2012 at 10:16 pm

It's a factor of the extent of Newt's repulsiveness, not of the extent of his dong!

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Right. OK. Got that.

starfanglednut February 27, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Careful, you can get diabetes that way.

tessiee February 28, 2012 at 12:03 am

That CLANK! you heard was mine slamming shut.

Redhead February 27, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Is this the new dating site to replace Cain's?

ManchuCandidate February 27, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Apparently Valtrex clears it right up, but you have to take it for the rest of your life.

ttommyunger February 27, 2012 at 7:43 pm

"Women With Newt" doesn't surprise me, Hell, just remember the Log Cabin Republicans, fer Chrissakes… Out of 300 Million people there have to be literally thousands of masochistic twats out there eagerly seeking abuse. They won't be disappointed.

BlueStateLibel February 27, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Republicants not even trying anymore, are they?

James Michael Curley February 27, 2012 at 7:56 pm

I missed a few health classes in high school. Doesn't women with newt cause you get warts all over your equipment?

owhatever February 27, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Calista made a stop by Tiffany's during her tour across the country, then down to Palm Beach to have her face sanded again, and off to California to see the former home of OJ Simpson and his late wife. Newt usually waits until you get sick, but you never know. Best do some research.

fuflans February 27, 2012 at 8:13 pm

i find myself strangely nostalgic for donald trump.

starfanglednut February 27, 2012 at 9:43 pm

That is a scary thought.

Designer_Rants February 27, 2012 at 8:16 pm

OT: Danika Patrick gets asked about contraception. I love her diplomatic answer. She's got a lot of sponsors, I'm not sure why she's talking to right-wing rags like the "Daily Caller" anyway, but she sure didn't tell them what they wanted to hear.

Rush Limbaugh, a.k.a. radio’s morning after pill for your intelligence, used an attack on Danica Patrick to stealthily advance the right’s war on contraception.

NASCAR driver and Roman Catholic Danica Patrick was asked by the Daily Caller what she thought about “the Obama administration’s dictate that religious employers provide health care plans that cover contraceptives.”

“I leave it up to the government to make good decisions for Americans,” Danica told the shocked outlet.

Patrick’s answer sent Rush Limbaugh on the attack, sensing an opportunity to insert himself in yet another place he is not wanted, women’s healthcare.
http://www.politicususa.com/en/rush-limbaugh-dani

And then Rush sez: "What do you expect from a woman driver?"

Zing?

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 9:06 pm

How 'bout some negative zing?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 27, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Methinks Rush's irony sensors need calibration. Assuming he's had them installed.

Negropolis February 28, 2012 at 12:05 am

Only the Daily Caller would be "shocked" about this thoroughly banal and unoffensive answer. I'm just happy to find out that she's not a tea partier. That makes her even more attractive.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 27, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Are they all Shutterstock ladies, like Herman's were? Those gals sure do get around.

SpeedoFart February 27, 2012 at 8:24 pm

What, does dear Cally have cancer? Is Newt holding open auditions?

40 or 50 % McShineys February 27, 2012 at 8:36 pm

This is NOT the Geico Salamander, ladies. BE ADVISED

Sharkey February 27, 2012 at 8:43 pm

(Labored sigh.) Call me when the Herman-Cain-Style Website launches.

subsum February 27, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Do you ladies take care of that with plain Vagisil or do you need actual penicillin?

not that Dewey February 27, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Only slightly OT

BREAKTHROUGH STUDY: Rich people are assholes.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 9:59 pm

In OTHER news, water is wet.

tessiee February 28, 2012 at 12:05 am

Fire suspected to be hot.
Film at 11.

Barrelhse February 27, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Would someone please think about all those women WITHOUT Newt?

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Herman? Herman Cain, is that you?

MRjonz February 27, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I suppose some of you classics educated elitists out there might recall the old adage, "Caesar's wife must be above suspicion.” But of the Great Gingrich’s wife there need be no suspicion, as all know for a fact she was once “the other woman.” I’m surprised Newt the historian never likened himself to Andrew Jackson.

finallyhappy February 28, 2012 at 6:32 am

Be thou as pure as snow, as chaste as ice, thou shalt not escape calumny. While Callista looks icy- pretty sure there is no pure or chaste there.

Catabite February 27, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Is it just me, or does "Women With Newt" sounds like Japanese niche porn?

littlebigdaddy February 27, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Schoolgirls with Newt and octopus tentacles stuck up their vagina and rectum sounds more like Japanese niche porn.

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 10:33 pm

"Women with Newt"

In what respect, Charlie?

His milkshakes bring all the girls to the yard…

littlebigdaddy February 27, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Well, you can complain all you want, but this is a lot less disturbing than the 15-year olds for Babeau website.

Negropolis February 27, 2012 at 10:46 pm

famously carnivorous vulva jackal

Jim, I didn't want to love you, and then you come give us this. Thank you. Now, give us some alt text, por favor, and all will have been right with the world.

smitallica February 27, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I much prefer women with Santorum.

stew1 February 28, 2012 at 8:48 am

This is a joke, right? Blowjobs part of the initiation ceremoney and such? C'mon!

Mahousu February 27, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Some taste, but not a lot of it: http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/rick-santo

Dudleydidwrong February 27, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Love the headline: "Polling Notes: Gas and Gingrich" About the same thing, aren't they? Gingrich has a 37% favorable rating among Republican women. In other words, Newt, two out of three women who say they are Republican would rather have Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro for president than you, fucking gas bag.

Angry_Marmot February 27, 2012 at 6:58 pm

You should've been here last week, they had a guy fucking a turkey.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 27, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I merely had the interests of our fellow Wonketeers in mind.

FROTHY February 27, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Of *course*!

smokefilledroommate February 28, 2012 at 8:01 pm

most of whom probably never L'GotAnywhere.

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