Jan Berenstain, who co-authored the childrens’ book series The Berenstain Bears along with her late husbad, Stan, died last week. This is a tragedy to your Wonkette writer, who read and made bad political jokes about dozens of these little family bear books as a child. And your Wonkette writer is apparently the same age as the son of Washington Post torture scribe Charles Krauthammer, who opined about his experiences reading these books to his child back in 1989. “I hate the Berenstain Bears,” his violent screed against this all-American anthropomorphic bear family begins.
The problem with this family? The father bear was a “post-feminist” manslave pussy who was always doing chores for his wife, who apparently never gave Charles Krauthammer a handsy under the bleachers:
It is not just the smugness and complacency of the stories that is so irritating. That is a common affliction of children’s literature. The raging offense of the Berenstains is the post-feminist Papa Bear, the Alan Alda of grizzlies, a wimp so passive and fumbling he makes Dagwood Bumstead look like Batman.
Consider the well-known “Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners,” wherein Mother, fed up with rudeness, sets down a new set of family rules of conduct. Each commandment is accompanied by a penalty (“wash dishes, empty garbage, beat two rugs”) for those family members who dare transgress. Papa glumly acquiesces to the new maternally mandated regime. But he proves incorrigible. Long after even the kids have reformed, he continues his sloven, cravenly ways, spending much of his time mopping up around the house to pay off his doltishness.
Mother Bear, too, is a creation. Every adult will recognize her as the final flowering of the grade-school prissy, the one with perfect posture and impeccable handwriting. The one the teachers loved. The one who disdained your baloney sandwich and pulled from salad out of her lunch box, minding her cholesterol in 1958. The one you always dreamt of drowning.
Indeed, Chas, these books were true American classics. RIP, Jan!
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Now we won't have to put up with those damn Pandas moving in next door. There goes the neighbearhood!
Eh, it's those black bears you gotta watch out for.
"Blah bears." You meant to say "blah bears."
Blah bears please!
Bigger, please.
So, what, pandas are not good enough because they're half-white? Does OUR PRESIDENT know what you're saying?
Of course he does, Patriot Act.
Does your updated sig mean you found painful employment? If so, YAY, srsly.
And those damn grizzlies, always trying to get grizzly married!
Leave my people ALONE! (sobs into teevee camera)
Plus, those pandas are just blowing the curve for the Math tests and taking all the places in the engineering programs.
DON'T YOU DARE BE HATIN' ON MY BERENSTAIN BEARS! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?
I think he should spend a night in the Old Spooky Tree!
Oh, c'mon. Everybody hates good manners, posture and handwriting. They're so fucking annoying.
Do they DARE climb over BIG SLEEPING BEAR?! Yes! They dare!
You haven't lived until you listen to the audio tape for this book. My almost 22 year old daughter loved it as a kid, and we still quote lines from it in the (crazy) voice of the narrator.
Is Charles Krauthammer an asshole? Does a Berenstain Bear shit in the woods?
He just might be the “mother” of all assholes.
No, but wait, there's an important question we're overlooking here. DOES a Berenstain Bear shit in the woods?
I don't think so. They're *polite* bears, after all.
Does a Berenstain Bear maintain a spotless bathroom at home in the woods?
See, now THERE's a question. Does they? Because, you know, all those other woodland creatures might track poop in and out of that bathroom unless of course Mama Berenstain gets that wimpy puss Papa Berenstain to clean off all the stains.
So to speak.
Chucky K. needs an enema.
Could be his bladder too.
In the woods.
Wait, so, you're saying the Pope IS Catholic?
Not *quite* as Catholic as Santorum, but yes.
Does Krauthammer shit in the woods?
No, just in the newspapers and on the TV.
You know, it ain't just his ears that are burning from that.
No wonder he's such a fucking grouchsack.
And his wheelchair.
You know who else hated Jewish bears?
P.S. Herr Krauthammer has a son? How did that happen?
P.P.S. Anyone else ever notice that the Kraut-ster kinda looks like Davros from Doctor Who?
Goldilocks
But she didn't hate them for their *Jewishness,* so, no hate crime enhancement.
Don't give her *too* much credit; she changed her name from Golda Lox, bleached her hair, and had her nose bobbed.
So she's a MoT too, huh?
Speaking as a respected medical corporation, I suspect the Krauthammer reproduced by means of 'budding'.
the child was adopted.
Um, Hitler? No?
My gay friends who are into SMOOVE hairless bodies?
My gay PALESTINIAN friends? Help a body out here, rambone. WHO?
P.S. Turkey baster.
P.P.S. No, I hadn't.
How the hell did you sneak that comment in when I swear it wasn't there when I posted mine?????
Vee haff our vayz. (rubs hands together, muahahas loudly)
P.S. Herr Krauthammer has a son? How did that happen?
Well, see, there's a turkey baster involved. Also, a turkey.
Well, in the case of artificial insemination of elephants, after sedation, an electrical stimulator is inserted into the rectum of the bull elephant to initiate ejaculation, without the need of the usual methods of semen recovery used in large mammal artificial insemination(a catcher below a "bait" female). I would imagine a helpful urologist crammed some sort of taser-like device up Chuckles' ass and let him have it while a helpful nurse waited for the Krauthammer spooge to ooze out his atrophied useless genitalia. Either that or he borrowed a cup from Bob Novak.
But … but … Bob Novak DRINKS from that cup!
Yeah, so? Your point being?
Er … EW?
Another wonderful visual contribution to the "Wonkette Diet Plan" that not only puts you off breakfast, lunch, dinner, or even a snack, it also makes you throw up. It's the purge without the binge.
Eh, you bulimics, nothing makes ya happy.
Two wingnuts, one cup.
I enjoyed those books,But, Curious George gets a Hard On, was always my favorite.
My favorite Curious George book was "The Man with the Yellow Hat gets a Roomate".
I was always partial to The Man in the Yellow Hat is An Imperialist Hegemon.
I also was very fond of "Curious George Flings His Shit."
The funniest one of all when it came out was "Curious George Moves into the White House", but that one didn't work out so well.
Oh, noes, you haz portended the END OF THE MURCAN WAY with your leftie INCIVILITY!
That was Incurious George who moved into the White House. You're right, the book was better than the movie.
Mine was Bicurious George.
Many years ago, strolling down the middle of the street at around 2am in Eureka Springs, I really did see the absolute acme of tee shirts. It had Curious George passed out on his back holding a bottle of ether in his hand.
Still kick myself for not coming back in the morning to buy it.
Something along the lines of this?
(I immediately knew the picture you meant–it's actually from one of the books, though I forget the context. Probably because of the ether.)
Edit: Further searching and being a nerd reveals that was from Curious George Gets a Job (big page scan there)
Sounds like a description of the Ward and June Cleaver family there.
I'd get so much more done around here if I wasn't always worrying about the Beaver.
"I hate."
Charles Krauthammer distilled to his essence.
His mantra, "Ego stercore, ergo sum."
His anger-management issues, (or lack thereof), are breath taking.
That would make him Furious George.
Charles Krauthammer, player hater of the year.
He's a paraplegic of the mind.
I feel sorry for any man paralyzed from the neck up.
Somebody's got some mommy issues
No shit, huh?
Harvard Medical School, Mass General, Board Certified Psychiatrist. Who knew?
Jesus Christ. I was ready to go with, "Go fuck yourself, Krauthammer." But that last paragraph…man. It's just sad, and lonely and weird.
You know … you're right. It must be very sad to go through life with such a miserable sour outlook that you want to drown somebody else that is well liked by other people just BECAUSE everybody else likes them better than you.
(Hugs each and every Wonketteer) Let us never sink to that poor creature's level. I love you all, you crazy people. You know the difference between joyous, even cruel, snark that brings laughter and this kind of mean, sour, bitter unhappiness.
And the fact that it's all tied up with his depiction of motherhood just saddens the whole affair.
Also, very nice sentiment in your post. While I don't think I'm above shitting all over someone like Krauthammer, it's important to keep it in perspective, especially when we get these little glimpses into their psyches. By which I mean, we should snark away, and then go hug our significant others/kids/cats/trees/what-have-yous.
Yeah! (Hugs a perplexed and diffident Bandicoot)
"the one with perfect posture and impeccable handwriting. The one the teachers loved. The one who disdained your baloney sandwich and pulled from salad out of her lunch box, minding her cholesterol"
I'd say he's got issues with our marvelous FLOTUS.
And he loves him some baloney.
I was in a Pizza Hut for lunch one day and they had Care Bear paper place mats. The man in front of me in line demanded that the gal who seated him remove all of the place mats because he hated the Care Bears. He refused to sit down until they were all removed, holding me up. I grabbed one of the plastic Care Bear plastic hand puppets and put it on and called him a "soulless, spineless, dickless weasel", via the Care Bear. He stayed for lunch and I bet his pizza was slathered in extra DNA.
I am stealing that scene for a potential sitcom idea. Is that okay Barb?
You have to add the fact that my daughters were about 5 and 6 years-old and Victoria kept saying "dickless" until her pizza arrived.
That is the topper! I will share the profits with you.
"…share the profits…"
Easy to say that now. But when the obscene one-percenter profits roll in you'll probably be all like "Barb who" and against the Buffett rule.
You are an American hero
ZOMG! You're the kind of Mommy I ALWAYS WANTED! Instead I got stuck with prissy ol' Jan Berenstain!
If Mitt Romney becomes Prezdint, can I polygamy-marry you? And even if he doesn't?
Take a number and get in line, dood. We're all dying to polygamy-marry Barb, but Jeffer might not want to share. Also, too.
I love you, Barb. Good thing you're married, or I would just HAVE to run away with you for this. I'll bet you're taller than the dickweasel, too.
At 5'10", I'm taller than most dickweasels, lol.
It's like, okay we get it! You don't like the Care Bears. Just flip the place mat over, spank your inner moppet and deal with it. He refused to sit down until the place was swept clean of the Care Bears, even the place mats where people were already seated. I can't believe they did it for him.
I once fell madly in love with a redhead who was 6'2" and wore her curly hair down to her butt. She loved to lean over these guys who would harass her and look them in the eye, and she was a BIG girl. Scared the crap outa most of them.
No wonder you raised two strong daughters!
Is she available?
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST JUMPING THROUGH A HULA-HOOP JUGGLING BOWLING PINS!!!!!!!!!!
The Liberal boogyman is every where to these dolts. Christ sake.
What about Snagglepuss? Obviously pushing The Gay Agenda. Heavens to Murgatroid.
He also hated the smugness and complacency of his own pervasive virginity.
Is this the same perv that saw starbursts and felt leg tingles when Sarah Palin spoke? I cannot keep the GOPee losers straight. They all look alike.
Um…. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't Krauthammer that felt leg tickles.
[It was Rich Lowry that had the starbursts.]
No, that was Rich Lowry who clearly has not had sex for at least a decade. Even in my most desperate, loneliest moments, I never mistook all that sexywaggle for intelligence or ever flattered myself that any hot chick who was flashing it was aiming it at me.
He looks like Quadaffi – so yeah, they all look alike.
Chuckles doesn't tingle below the waist, and I would imagine doesn't do so above the waist either. He seems to be one of those types that denied of any real pleasure, want to make damned good and sure that no one else has any either.
Abbearently his bed was not "just right" last night.
What an abbearent thing to say!
Somebody didn't get his Goldi lox and bagels for breakfast, either, sounds like
I sure would like to fly to London for $154 on Pan Am.
Mother Berenstain Bear reminds him of a classmate he'd like to drown? Someone needs a therapy session, stat.
No shit! Who THE FUCK dreams about drowning their classmates?
No, don't tell me, serial killers. Perhaps, as bad as it has been for him, we should be grateful that Mr. Krauthammer has mobility issues.
Blanche: You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I weren't still in this chair.
Jane: But you *are*, Blanche! You *are* in that chair!
Whatever happened to Baby Krauthammer? Oh right, he's still a prick.
I must have watched that movie at least ELEBENTY!! times by now. A fucking GEM.
There's rats in the basement, Blanche.
And Krauthammer is a psychiatrist. Physician heal thyself.
He hates the Bernstein Bears? Fucking anti-Semite.
Krauthammer just described the girl I had a crush on back in eighth grade – I certainly had no desire to drown her.
Mother Bear, too, is a creation. Every adult will recognize her as the final flowering of the grade-school prissy, the one with perfect posture and impeccable handwriting. The one the teachers loved.
So, MotherBear was Laura Bush?
Sounds like Marge Simpson to me. And who doesn't love Marge Simpson?
I was thinking Meryl Streep.
I thought the books were boring, but I am surprised that kindness, generosity and manners are considered pussy attributes. What kind of rape world does Chuck want to have?
"I think she's asleep."
"No I'm not. Read another one!"
"Ok."
Also, fuck you, Krauthammer !
If you hate Jewish bears does that mean you hate Jesus?
Jesus was hairy? Who knew?
Charles is just angry that nobody wrote a series of books about a cranky old gimp in a wheelchair.
People HAVE, tho! Charles just wouldn't read them because he's all in a petulant frenzy.
And the X-Men have continually been among the top selling comics since the late 70s.
I KNEW I remembered reading comix about a wheelchair-bound genius and his mutant acolytes, I just couldn't remember what it was called! Thanks, SorosBot, you can be my memorybot any time!
Don't forget Oracle– wheelchair bound and sexy.
I never get sick of Beer Butt Krauthammer.
Man, think of how desperate for copy and strung out you would have to be to shit out a column about the Berenstein Bears from the perspective of the culture wars.
It's the bottomless gift, like Dan Quayle getting into a fight with teevee's Murphy Brown.
Add to it the reason The Bears even popped into his pool-dented cranium: one of the Berenstains died.
What a lovely person he is.
Feminism is killing Papa Bear.
He was probably mad because he couldn't hold the book while reading to his (at the time) four-year-old child. According to Wiki: "My boy, 4, cannot get enough of these bears."
So he was mad because he couldn't beat off to Compuserve porn, and had to service his goddamn child's "stupid reading habits."
Yeah, I'd rather read about The Complete Prick Bear Family, the ones who shit on the furniture, turn over your garbage cans, leave claw marks on the wall and rip out your spinal column when you threaten their babies. Not these wusses.
Craphammer should stick to his swimming and diving hobbies.
NOT too soon…
Craphammer should stick to his drowning hobby. He'll perfect it one of these days.
I'd like to rig an RF transmitter to his wheel chair and enter him into one those robot war games… heavy weight division.
I don't like the The Berenstain Bears because of their lack of full frontal nudity.
I'm too lazy to look, but this IS the internetz – I'm sure there is the Berenstain Bares somewhere out there.
Back in the 60"s Stand and Jan Berenstain did some comics with nekkid humans-not bears, though. My parents probably still have that book.
I read every one of those books to my daughter when she was a baby. My favorite was the one called : "Too Much Keg Party" – when Mama and Papa leave for the weekend, Junior throws a beer blast that lands him and sis in the Juvenile Detention Center.
the post-feminist Papa Bear, the Alan Alda of grizzlies, a wimp so passive and fumbling he makes Dagwood Bumstead look like Batman
Yeah, because everyone knows that a real man would tell the little woman to clean up after his mess and be grateful that he didn't run off with the young cub secretary.
And the Reeps wonder why there is a gender gap?
JFC…
If I'm remembering the "Blondie" comic strip correctly (not that I ever paid much attention to it), Dagwood never did anything around the house except make giant sandwiches and take naps on the sofa, and Blondie never got on his case. If anybody treated Dagwood badly, it was his boss, Mr. Dithers — although the negative portrayal of bosses would probably have put a bug up Krauthammer's ass. too.
Charles Krauthammer (Oy, what a name) really is an unpleasant, churlish, mannerless, surly little weasel, isn't he?
When Dorothy Parker wanted to diss a book, she did it with flair! (This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.)
Learn, Chuckie, from your masters. If you had the wit in your entire useless body that Parker had in a fingernail-paring, you wouldn't be reduced to muttering impotent rage-filled screeds over the fate that will overtake you as soon as anyone else. Remember, no one gets out of here alive.
Can you imagine having this colossal douche as your psychiatrist? Telling him that you've thought about suicide, or had a panic attack? Or that your stepfather diddled you?
Bedside manner of a honey badger. Jah almighty.
This guy.
OMG. I'm sorry, pdog, I laughed so hard I like to died. Shrieking Shiva, dood.
First think that came to mind was that ad. What a classic!
Srsly, having had reason to avail myself of the wisdom of psychiatrists more than once in my long life, I'm always amazed to find how many of them appear to have been unsuccessful analysands. I cannot imagine telling this morally bereft weasel anything at all other than "Physician, heal thyself, if thou canst." Also a few choice expressions along the lines of "Cocksucking weasel-fucking rat-turd-eating loser."
The Krauthammer Mental Health Pavilion.
Our motto:
SIT DOWN!! SHUT UP!!
I'll never get tired of this guy's nom de fume. It's like the ancient equivalent to finding your porn name. Okay, pick TWO things: something German and a tool. This is your pillaging viking name!
DP's book reviews are true gems even though the books & their writers may have been completely forgotten.
I love her biting wit, but she couldn't really extend it into prose. I continue to hope that I will not lose touch with prose as a result of a love affair with snark.
God yes, her "prose". Most of it makes me cringe.
What the…?
Are you serious?
"Big Blonde"?
"Arrangement in Black and White"?
"Dusk Before Fireworks"?
"Diary of a New York Lady"?
May I respectfully suggest that you re-read some of her prose? Not all of it has aged well (as with S.J. Perelman), but it's a long way from being cringeworthy.
We should all remember that Krauthammer is a psychiatrist, who has done important research on mental illness.
Perhaps never before has the expression "Physician, heal thyself" been so appropriate.
Don't even get him started on that fucking Brady Bunch. Soooooo "niiiiiiiiiiiice"! Ptui!!!
I was at dinner with him and he spouted off for 2 and 1/2 hours about the time Gregg moved into his dad's den. I thought he was going to have an anusim.
Sauer-Kraut
Thank you Charles Krauthammer for that tough literary criticism of the The Berenstain Bears. You earned your pay today. Keep up the good work.
He preferred the Redneck Racoons, as Father Racoon routinely got sloshed and slapped around Mother Racoon. God forbid the American male should lift a finger around the house!
But doesn't slappin' count as lifting a finger?
Maybe Chuck was hoping for a different kind of 'Bear' for his fantasy reading?
It must really suck to be Charles Krauthammer is what I'm getting out of this.
Krauthammer always preferred Pedobear.
Bears see things pretty much the way they are….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhGizNclAbM
I DIDN'T SEE ANY BEARZ!!
Unbearable.
I would usually state that we should not speak ill of the dead. Except I would be a hyprocrite. Wait till that shit stain Kraut Hammer is violently murdered, then we'll be saying some shit and it won't be pretty.
Based on this guy's face, I suspect someone already committed aggravated assault on him.
No wonder Krauthammer's pissed about the papa bear having to follow the rules that Mrs. Berenstain lays down — it completely flouts the idea that some people impose rules on others that they don't have to follow themselves. What's to become of American exceptionalism if we start teaching our kids that rules apply to everyone?
Charles has a lot of issues. The Berenstain Bears are pretty low on my list for which he should deal with first.
So Kraut Hammer is suggesting Papa Bear should slap Momma around a bit and show the bitch who is boss? Fuck him. That's been done for centuries and it never ends well. Somebody should cut off his dick and burn his house down while he's sleeping.
Er … that's been done a few thousand times too.
May I recommend RE/Search's wonderful piece on Angry Women? It includes an interview with Diamanda Galas, in which she talks of her ideas on combating rape and domestic violence. A mite, um, tough, but I can see the appeal for teh LayDeez.
"So Kraut Hammer is suggesting Papa Bear should slap Momma around a bit and show the bitch who is boss?"
That's not the Berenstain Bears, that's the McCoy Bears, and they live at the Tail Fins Mobile Home Estates.
Maybe it's because his mama kept telling him, "Charles, if you don't stand up straight…."
I also did not like the Berenstain Bears. However, I've begun to appreciate them more now that the only cartoon bear I ever see are ones with pieces of toilet paper stuck to their asses.
BECAUSE THEY CAN WALK! THEY CAN WALK, DAMN THEM!!!!
Exactly.
Charlie fancies himself as a bear expert. Likes his bears virile, commanding, rough and hu….oh never mind.
Hey, why you stop in da middle like dat?
Apparently, the famous story of The Berenstain Bears Maul Charles Krauthammer's Face was not a favorite of our Hero.
The Berenstain Grizzly Man?
I, however, am liking the sound of that.
Cleaning your home is for liberals!
It's nice to see someone take a stand on an important issue.
Is it wrong to admit that I laughed myself sick over this? Would it help if I also admitted that I screamed "Sick! Sick!" while doing it?
I think I must consider my criticism of the man. I mean, he has a chicken body with a beer can crammed up his butt. He can't have had an easy life.
"Krauthammer." Is that German for "Dick?"
"Cabbage mallet" makes me think of that comic genius, Gallagher.
I believe the translation is "Dick on wheels"
Krauthammer vilifies the humbly-outfitted Berenstains for the same reason I adored royalty-dwelling "Babar the Elephant" and his entourage: their stories each represent something completely different than our lives.
OK it's not completely the same reason, but I'm trying to exemplify Mother Bear Berenstain's instructions for not being rude!
Dr. Krauthammer would have Mrs. Barenstain wear a proper wig and keep a kosher kitchen and keep her big mouth shut.
I like the one where Papa Bear helps out around the house, cleaning and organizing, and later that same night Mama Bear shows her gratitude with the best blowie of all time. And they lived happily ever after. The end.
Anyone who ever even once in their life uses the phrase "maternally mandated regime" has some serious issues.
You have to wonder what kind of world this guy lives in. AFAIK, in this world people look to find someone who will be their haven, their best and truest friend, their home and their love who brings them peace and kindness and understanding, and kicks their ass when they need it also, too. And, if they agree on the enterprise, they start a family, whose burdens will be shared by all members just as its joys are shared by all.
Then along comes someone like Charles Krauthammer, and he might as well be speaking an alien tongue, because who in the fuck is looking for ANY kind of "mandated regime" in the one place in their life where they are free to be whatever they want and still be loved and accepted for it?
Let's not forget about those traitors Rocky and Bullwinkle. They were always palling around with those Communists Boris and Natasha.
No. He still needs me to hold his hand when we cross the street and rub talc on his bum after I make him some sliced apples. Moran! I got this shleb for a bit still.
I rub your shoulders sympathetically, dood.
You should have more compassion for him. I'm sure his upbringing was horrific…perhaps the 'Jewish mother' syndrome. Maybe he parents called him stupid for breaking his back. Maybe he secretly hates the fact that his wife was artificially inseminated to have children that he had to read books to. NAAAWW…he's just a fuckstick.
My taste in children's literature has always tended more toward Werner Herzog reading Curious George, but Krauthamer is an ass anyway.
And no irony points for complaining about clichés in kidlit and THEN playing the "fantasy violence against a blandly sweet kidlit character" card.
Something tells me that you would LOVE Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, which is the kidlit *I* grew up on.
And people wonder WHY I'm sick and twisted.
Check out "The Stinky cheese Man", a somewhat twisted takeoff on "The Gingerbread Man".
Oh, definitely will do.
"My taste in children's literature has always tended more toward Werner Herzog reading Curious George"
Now you've reminded me of Christopher Walken reading "Goodnight Moon":
"Children. I don't want to have to tell you again. About the scooching."
Damn, damn, damn. Borked my link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T8y5EPv6Y8
After watching Krauthammer for a while I said he is so half assed he leans over when he sits. I then felt guilty for a while when I learned he was in a wheel chair. Since it was Krauthammer and he is such a mean spirited little weasel, it passed quickly
What's worse, I think he leans to the left.
Tonstant Weader fwowed up.
Imagine if Krauthammer knew the real story. Papa is gay, Mother is trans-gendered and the kids are adopted.
I never liked them, either. But I always thought it was just because they were really poorly drawn…not all that repressed psychobabble Krauthammer's flingin' around. You have issues Chuck, don't blame the cartoon bears for that.
It's the endless saccharine sweetness that bothered me. But hey, that's just me. I didn't like the Care Bears or Disney or any of that shit either as a child, but I was a tremendously weird and difficult child, and I would not wish a kid like me on most parents. I mean, srsly, at age 8 or 9 I burst into tears over some Lucy Show episode, and when my parents asked why, all I could say was, "They make everybody look so stupid! And people are not so stupid!"
But then again, I don't think my tastes are necessarily *superior,* simply *different.* I know lots of people who grew up watching Disney, and they're still my friends. I just don't show them my kidlit.
Apparently in recent years they've gotten all Jesus-y, with titles like The Berenstain Bears God Loves You,The Berenstain Bears and the Golden Rule,The Berenstain Bears Go To Sunday School, and The Berenstain Bears Say Their Prayers. Glad those all came well after my childhood.
Obviously not Jesus-y enough, if Mama Bear didn't "submit" to Kraut's standards.
Oh gawd. That would make me shit sideways. Our parents had a lot of religious literature around the house and we read it, but fortunately, Dad was an atheist and took great pleasure in logically refuting any religious shit that might sneak into our reading materials.
At least Disney animation has always been well-drawn.
Always hated Hannah Barberra cartoons, too. Except for Johnny Quest…Race Bannon was cool enough to overcome the fact that he was poorly drawn.
The art was beautiful, but the stories were SO FUCKING SACCHARINE! I had read most of the myths and legends from around the world before I was 7, so when I was first exposed to the Disnified version, I just had a kiddie meltdown. I think Dad had to drag me screaming from the cinema. I kept screaming, "They got it WRONG! They left out that part! NO! NOOOOO!!!" Poor Dad. If you've ever read the Grimm Brothers, on whose stories many a Disney film was based, they're horrible.
^^
^
I still watch my classic Disney movies, and I still marvel at the quality of the artwork — especially when you consider that most of it dates back to the era when it was all hand-drawn.
I've read that a lot of the Grimm stories weren't originally kids' fairy tales — they were violent, action-packed stories that rough-hewn peasants and woodchoppers told in taverns and inns, and around campfires.
This got me thinking about Charles Schulz's fictional children's author in Peanuts, Miss Helen Sweetstory, whose books became increasingly controversial in the early 1970's. Building on the success of books like The Six Bunny-Wunnies and Their Pony Cart and The Six Bunny-Wunnies Make Cookies, she started pushing the envelope with more "relevant" titles like
The Six Bunny-Wunnies and the Female Veterinarian or The Six Bunny-Wunnies Join an Encounter Group, and later titles suggested that she was simply indulging in mindless hedonism (The Six Bunny-Wunnies and Their XK-E, The Six Bunny-Wunnies and Their Water Bed).
Eventually she ended up getting banned from the school library with The Six Bunny-Wunnies Freak Out, and by the end of the decade, it seemed as if she was just phoning it in (The Six Bunny-Wunnies Go to Long Beach, The Six Bunny-Wunnies and Their Layover in Anderson, Indiana) or pandering to current politics (The Six Bunny-Wunnies Visit Plains, Georgia).
I thought it was the sex life of The Six Bunny-Wunnies that got her banned. I mean, those bunnies were srsly, humping like … oh, you know what I mean.
When you start pushing CHILDREN's books with titles like The Six Sick Bunny-Wunnies, I mean, man.
I once saw Der Kraut-ster in Dupont Circle getting pushed along in his wheelchair… He TOTALLY looked like Davros. "Exterminate! Exter-mi-naaaaaaaaaaaaate!!"
Don't even get him started on the Pippy Longstocking. If ever a bitch needed to be slapped, it's that bitch!
But always extra points for being a ginger!
Krauthammer is Latin for asshole.
Oh, you took Latin in school too, huh?
Brown bears, black bears. The Krauthammer doesn't fool me with his dog whistle.
Short Krauthammer:
"Ms. Bearenstain reminds me of all those bitches who wouldn't have sex with me, even before the wheelchair."
It's because they had taste, Chuck. Get over it.
Couldn't disagree with him more. I suspect like most others, I've definitely always dreamt of drowning yogi bear.
But that's because he stole your pic-a-nic basket.
But you never will, because he's smarter than the average bear.
And Park Ranger.
"…recognize her as the final flowering of the grade-school prissy, the one with perfect posture and impeccable handwriting. The one the teachers loved. The one who disdained your baloney sandwich and pulled from salad out of her lunch box, minding her cholesterol in 1958. The one you always dreamt of drowning."
Get turned down alot Chuck? 'Cause it sounds like you've got issues guy.
After reading all this above, and having read to my 4 kids, 3 nephews, 2 nieces, various OPKs, and still reading to 2 grandkids, I reluctantly kind of have to give credit on this one to the SauerKraut Hummer, which doesn't change my mind about anything else in his moldy psyche – The Berenstein Bears were the worst – thank god none of these kids ever asked me to read one twice…
First they're pickin' on Girl Scouts. Now their bitchin' about the Berenstain Bears. Apparently the GOP thinks you're a manly mucho macho man if you're picking on children or what they read.
Here in Silver Spring(at least during the last election pre-season) , the grandchildren and ex-daughter in law of the Berenstains lived on a street near me. I went to a phone party for Obama and the woman holding it told me her name- I said " any bears in this family?"(my lame attempt at humor and not knowing her connection). She told me her relationship. I never met her again but I am sorry that her kids lost their grandmother.
I suggest he boycotts all that liberal ADA stuff.
(No curb cuts for you, Sparky!)
"The one you always dreamt of drowning."
Looks like there was someone else who dreamt of drowning Charles Krauthammer, but apparently failed.
Obviously he hates the Berenstain Bears because he's a self-hating Jew.
Dr. K. also hates the Care Bears. He prefers the Intensive Care Bears.
Hey, Zvi, did you change your name because you are also a self hater? :)
Yes, I'm into denying my Jewishness.
I'm not Jewish.
Doesn't make me sorry for Krauthammer, but it does make me miss John Callahan. John Callahan was funny.
Well, John Callahan is obviously one of us who DIDN'T go down the tubes. And Krauthammer did. Personally, I'd rather be John Callahan.
Like I said, I don't necessarily feel *sorry* for Krauthammer. But I do understand why he's so hate-filled and shouty-ragey all the time. It's not easy letting that kind of shit go.
ETA: (Hugs the marmot) Thanks for the linky. I think Callahan is hysterically funny, myself. And I appreciate the gimp perspective.
wait, that asshole has kids?
Oh, Kraut, I'm sure many women have disdained your "baloney sandwich" since then. Gross.
Well, this post has been up for over three hours and no one has said it so I will. I hereby claim the copyright on the new evangelical Christian childrens' book series, "The Santorumstain Bears".
I realize that being paralyzed after his diving accident must have messed up his head but then he went on to medical school and trained as a psychiatrist.
Physician, HEAL THYSELF!!!
Shocked to learn that the Krautster is raising a kid. Going to be tough for that one to turn out well (shudders uncontrollably).
Actually the Berenstain bears parental gender dynamics is the natural conclusion of conservative sexual politics. Papa Bear was reared with the typical "boys-will-be-boys" entitlement and naturally become a slovenly buffoon who can't so much as change a lightbulb without his wife. Papa Bear is a perpetual man child. Sometimes Papa Bear may even stray from God's will (due to his effusive raw manliness, of course), but fortunately Mama Bear's radiant Christian beauty and patience is always there to bring him back to the path of righteousness. Meanwhile Mama Bear had to put up with so much sexist bullshit that she learned to keep her ego out of the game and focus on the outcomes. She affects change in her husband with carrots, sticks, and strategically withheld sexual favors.
The only way Papa Bear could be more of a conservative model is if he was a closeted belligerent alcoholic wifebeater. But Papa Bear never smacked Mama Bear in the face for talking back, and that's the real reason Krauthammer hates him.
alan alda has had a recent career playing assholes.
asshole.
I'm guessing that dreams of drowning the Berenstain bears are not the same as thoughts of Jessica Rabbit going down…?
Krauthammer is a douchecanoe, but I will say I hate the bears with toilet paper stuck to their butts on that commercial.
WHAT!??! It's the only toilet paper commercial that comes remotely close to acknowledging what toilet paper gets used for! Everyone else just pours blue liquid on it.
What the??
Everyone knows blue liquid is for periods.
Not for poop? Well, smartypants, how do you simulate poop, then?
*turns to face audience*
You know, he's got me there.
Charles Krauthammer: I hate the Berenstain Bears. Blah blah destruction of the family, jeebus ordained gender roles…
Mrs. Krauthammer: Yeah, I'm sure that's fascinating. Now shut the fuck up and get the mop.
Charles Krauthammer shouldn't complain about someone's "perfect posture" unless he wants to stand up and show us what he is talking about.
I did that once. I was in law school and poor as a church mouse. I saw this homeless guy about to make his move and preempted him by asking for a dollar. He was Not Happy.
But then, I was kind of a prick.
Suffice it to say that John Callahan had Rush Limbaugh's phone number on the kitchen wall next to his phone.
So am I still allowed to hate "the Giving Tree", or what?
"Every adult will recognize her as the final flowering of the grade-school prissy, the one with perfect posture and impeccable handwriting…The one you always dreamt of drowning." –Charles Krauthammer
"Charles was a quiet man. Mostly he liked to keep to himself but he was very polite. I never would've imagined him capable of murdering all those poor women. For fuck's sake, my husband and I were at his house for a barbecue last weekend!" –Anonymous neighbor of Charles Krauthammer
"The one you always dreamt of drowning."
I think its safe to say that Charles has some issues.
Charles, men in wheeled chairs shouldn't throw stones…
Someone wheel this bastard into a lake. Drowning, you fucker? Where is your humility?
I remember a time when Alan Alda was the Nancy Pelosi when it came to conservative wrath. Good times!
Nah, she decided to go practice criminal defense law and got involved with some murderer who recently got released and I just hope to god she's OK. Why do all the wonderful wimmin always end up with some OTHER scumbag, I mean, guy?
Totes! Hot!
"This bed is too hard! This bed is too soft! These sheets don't have a high enough thread count!"
Which would be problematic if we were talking about acceptable human beings, instead of Krautie and Novak.
Oy!
When you put it that way, who am I to argue?
Not according to folklorists, IIRC, and certainly, Alice Miller, in For Your Own Good discusses the role that folk stories play in teaching children (and women) their proper, subservient place, complete with Grimm illustrations of what they can expect if they deviate from their assigned path. I grew up on those hideous things, you know. I suppose that *would* sort of tend to explain why I might have been such a difficult child, wouldn't it?
I may be thinking of folk tales and fairy tales, which have similarities across many cultures, rather than the Grimm Bros. specifically — and it's probably worth pointing out that subsequent eras had their own takes on some stories and left others out altogether — but I don't want to threadjack *too* far off topic, as much as I welcome any excuse to paw through my books.
Two books on the subject that I can recommend are: "Don't Tell the Grown-Ups: Why Kids Love the Books They Do" by Alison Lurie (lots of fun as well as informative) and "The Uses of Enchantment: The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales" by Bruno Bettelheim (more scholarly, but still accessible). Both are informative and thought-provoking; and to someone who loves books as much as I do (which I suspect you do as well), fascinating reads.
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