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Vladdy Putin Pledges To Take Young Voters’ Virginity

Vladimir Putin is all set to steal the Russian presidential election this week, so who knows why he’s even bothering to make campaign ads, but here’s one in which a young Russian girl (a tween?) is told that Vladimir Putin is the right man to take her virginity. Her political virginity? Eh, either one probably works for Putin.

Here, via a friendly KGB agent at Animal New York, is the rough translation:

“We’ll find out, little beauty, who faith has in store for you.”
“You know, I hope it’s for love.” Blink-blink-blink. “It’s my… first time.”
“The carrrds will tell the truth… I see it will be for love… without deception…” (AHEM AHEM)
A Putin card is revealed.
“Wow. It’s him!”
“You’ll be happy with him. He’ll protect you like a stone wall.” (Or something…)

And the kicker:

Putin. First time — only for <3.

How has Newt Gingrich not made this ad yet?

[Animal New York via Buzzfeed]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'm sure that Vlad the impaler would love to spread the seed of "demokrazy" and deflower her political virginity.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If not, I humbly off my penis services.

  • SorosBot

    I think the old bald KGB agent has really overestimated his desirability.

    • MissTaken

      Between this and his riding horses shirtless makes me think Pooty Poot does not suffer from low self esteem.

      • SorosBot

        He definitely seems to think all the women want him. So does old shirtless Vlad get you all hot inside, and wet outside?

        • Negropolis

          If symptoms last more than 4 hours…

  • orygoon

    I'll just do a little proxy-vomit for Rick Santorum.

  • MissTaken

    Herman Cain was going to run this ad but sadly dropped out right before.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!

      • SorosBot

        You want a job, don't you?

  • OkieDokieDog

    I always imagine GWBush saying Pootin… heh heh heh

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Yes, W, who looked into this man's soul and found a fart. Pootin'.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I predict lots of crying and blood.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Ouch. That's awfully good, but… ouch.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Stone walls make lousy condoms.

    • extreme_left

      true…. i find a blintz does the trick.

  • Callyson

    Oh, Vladimir, that's it…you got the spot…oh, Vlad!
    Shit, and I thought *American* politics had gone nuts…

  • soeoho

    Doesn't it require 72 virgins just to get on the ballot?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Hey! Wait a minute. I replied to her email first. We're engaged as soon as I send her $10,000.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Is Vlad a priest? Oh sorry. They're just into young boys.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Needs moar campaign manager smoking cigarette.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Man, them Ukrainian mail-order brides sure are hot.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Explains the Vladdie's yout' grope: Putting Out for Putin.

  • Beowoof

    Taking a page from the JKF playbook.

    • Chichikovovich

      This Putin speech makes me want to vomit.

    • Negropolis

      If only her were that smooth.

  • Schmannnity

    It's nice Carville can still find work.

  • LabRodent

    Who many vodka shots you think she can throw down?

    • RedneckMuslin

      You don't throw down vodka shots. Vodka shots throw down you.

      • jus_wonderin

        I have a finely honed resistence to vodka. It has taken years, and years but I mastered it. It has been a longtime goal of mine to be able to walk to bed (but not remember doing it).

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Not in Soviet Russia.

  • freakishlywrong

    Rick Santorum does not approve.

    • Geminisunmars

      So that must mean it's okay. Right?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    пцсжчиб ау!

    • paris biltong

      Or, more explicitly perhaps: хуй тебе

  • not that Dewey

    Mitt Romney won't want to get caught behind the curve on this one: "Some of my best friends took the virginity of tweens. They were just the right height."

    • Ramon X

      Unemployed?

    • Negropolis

      I was just measuring their heights. The tree came up to about here on me, the same as my wife.

  • pinkocommi

    Not enough Rubles or vodka in the world to make that midget wannabe dictator Putin attractive as either a politician or a man.

  • jaytingle

    Like he cares if anyone votes. He produced this ad just to get his perv on.

  • el_donaldo

    Putin's reinstating the ancient right of kings? Gonna give us a whole new level of puns on "Putin," though, right?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Put in.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Wouldn't it be funny if her name was Anastasia?

    • RadioSBJ

      Or Amy Fisher.

  • Terry

    What, did Vlad run out of bare chested photos of himself?

  • Lucidamente1

    How do you say "Get on the Cain Train" in Russian?

    • James Michael Curley

      Получить на Каина поезда

      PoLOOtzeetuh na caina poehzda

  • Extemporanus

    ФАП ФАП ФАП!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Perfect.

    • paris biltong

      Уин!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Phi Apple Pi? Huh?

      • Guppy

        It transliterates to "fap."

        It's OK, we all have our off-days.

        (Not really.)

  • Lucidamente1

    Needs moar Dave Albo.

  • edgydrifter

    Vlad the Impaler, amirite ladies?

  • SayItWithWookies

    The Russian people will be thrilled, after the next election, to find out they've voted to bring back the droit de seigneur. I just hope Jan Brewer doesn't find out about this.

  • freakishlywrong

    In Russia, perverts vote you.

  • Baconzgood

    *paid for the committee of Pedobear.

  • Chichikovovich

    ЛOЛ!

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Nice 80's plasma globe.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Thigh.

  • RadioSBJ

    As Putin rears his head and comes into the pubescent vajayjays of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      That's where he rears his ugly "head".

      [d'oh–you must have edited that!]

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe the paternity of all those extra Palins has been exposed.

  • ttommyunger

    This little cunt spends way too much time and money butching himself up. Five will get you ten he'd rather suck his pol-pal's dick than get within a mile of this young woman's hoo-ha. I've always suspected him and his little friend of being more than friends, a la Hoover and Tolson.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I kinda dig the fortune teller with the Wasserman Schultz hair, though.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Is it wrong to want to send her an email asking her to add layers to her hair and stop abusing product?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Only if you're a straight man!

    • An_Outhouse

      I can't take my eyes off her plasma ball.

  • Schmannnity

    I thought Stalin wiped out all of the Gypsies and most of the Jews after the War.

  • Indiepalin

    In Soviet Russia, you fuck politicians. In America, politicians fuck you!

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    His opponent has mysteriously died yet?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      No, but he was eating at a restaurant in Moscow and his face fell off into his bowl of borscht. Go figure.

  • lulzmonger

    Whoa. Natasha there be pushin' 30, & it's still her "first time"?!?

    YOW! That dame's pie must reek bad enough to peel the paint off your car even if you park upwind.

    (A sentiment that also sums up Vlad's career quite nicely)

  • sezme

    They left off the voiceover at the end:
    "I'm Vladimir Putin, and I approve of nailing teenage girls."

  • owhatever

    Whatever Vlady wants; Vlady gets.
    And little girl, little Vlady wants you.
    Make up your mind to have,
    No regrets,
    Whatever Vlady wants, Vlady gets.

  • Gunner Asch

    Genghis Khan et al. may have had a few untidy habits like leaving 50,000 skulls at a time around the cities he, um, liberated. But the Russian gene pool now includes a lot of women with wonderful eyes.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Vlad the impaler is a great image…

  • Lucidamente1

    Well, I suppose "Get underage pussy" has a nicer ring to it than "Get moose and squirrel."

  • MrFizzy

    Putin: Russian for cretin.

  • An_Outhouse

    That ad makes me want Putin to take me! I blame the plasma ball. Those things are hynotizing.

  • meatlofer

    Russia is done. They need a black man as PM, a Black Russian, if you will?

  • paris biltong

    I can see what you mean. Two shorties trading jobs, acting cute. Medvedev looks like he'd be the "passive" half of this couple.

    • redarmyzombie

      In a sense, he kinda is…

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    "first time — only for <3"?
    Wow–he likes 'em young. Real young.

  • Neoyorquino

    So, one way or another, voters will be screaming his name?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    From Russia With Lust

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Sacha Baron Putin?

  • Guppy

    The first time is for love. The second time is for the Russian Orthodox church, who insist on the transvaginal ultrasound.

    • jus_wonderin

      "transvaginal ultrasound"

      I always get tickets when they are in town. Usually around Christmas.

  • bumfug

    "Putin" is Russian for "poontang".

  • Redhead

    Santorum/Putin 2012!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    She is very cute.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Wow. That old guy can really sustain an election.

  • LeAlbatross

    Bojemoi….

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    "Would you like some making fuck?"

  • littlebigdaddy

    Putintang?

  • DahBoner

    I thought old Pooty Poot was just fartin' around…

  • SaintRond

    If God didn't want us to eat out Russian teenagers, He wouldn't have made them taste so good.

  • poorgradstudent

    Holy crap, with ads like that *I* might vote for Putin. Better lay on the sugar, Barry!

  • rickmaci

    Ewww. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

  • Antispandex

    Damn it! Those guys with the KGB hammer and sickle tattoos get all of the chicks!

  • fuflans

    well sure, but at least he doesn't nanner on about contraception.

  • TheMeatmaker

    Marisa Tomei was able to catapult from this into bigger roles. Her plasma ball, sadly, never appeared on film again.

  • foog

    How do you say "bunga bunga" in Russian?

  • Tundra Grifter

    She's a Tween, alright. On a cold winter's night along the frozen Volga, you'd want to find her 'tween the sheets.