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Vladdy Putin Pledges To Take Young Voters’ Virginity

Vladimir Putin is all set to steal the Russian presidential election this week, so who knows why he’s even bothering to make campaign ads, but here’s one in which a young Russian girl (a tween?) is told that Vladimir Putin is the right man to take her virginity. Her political virginity? Eh, either one probably works for Putin.

Here, via a friendly KGB agent at Animal New York, is the rough translation:

“We’ll find out, little beauty, who faith has in store for you.”
“You know, I hope it’s for love.” Blink-blink-blink. “It’s my… first time.”
“The carrrds will tell the truth… I see it will be for love… without deception…” (AHEM AHEM)
A Putin card is revealed.
“Wow. It’s him!”
“You’ll be happy with him. He’ll protect you like a stone wall.” (Or something…)

And the kicker:

Putin. First time — only for <3.

How has Newt Gingrich not made this ad yet?

[Animal New York via Buzzfeed]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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105 comments

    1. MissTaken

      Between this and his riding horses shirtless makes me think Pooty Poot does not suffer from low self esteem.

  1. Callyson

    Oh, Vladimir, that's it…you got the spot…oh, Vlad!
    Shit, and I thought *American* politics had gone nuts…

      1. jus_wonderin

        I have a finely honed resistence to vodka. It has taken years, and years but I mastered it. It has been a longtime goal of mine to be able to walk to bed (but not remember doing it).

  2. not that Dewey

    Mitt Romney won't want to get caught behind the curve on this one: "Some of my best friends took the virginity of tweens. They were just the right height."

  3. pinkocommi

    Not enough Rubles or vodka in the world to make that midget wannabe dictator Putin attractive as either a politician or a man.

  4. el_donaldo

    Putin's reinstating the ancient right of kings? Gonna give us a whole new level of puns on "Putin," though, right?

  5. SayItWithWookies

    The Russian people will be thrilled, after the next election, to find out they've voted to bring back the droit de seigneur. I just hope Jan Brewer doesn't find out about this.

  6. RadioSBJ

    As Putin rears his head and comes into the pubescent vajayjays of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border.

  7. ttommyunger

    This little cunt spends way too much time and money butching himself up. Five will get you ten he'd rather suck his pol-pal's dick than get within a mile of this young woman's hoo-ha. I've always suspected him and his little friend of being more than friends, a la Hoover and Tolson.

  8. lulzmonger

    Whoa. Natasha there be pushin' 30, & it's still her "first time"?!?

    YOW! That dame's pie must reek bad enough to peel the paint off your car even if you park upwind.

    (A sentiment that also sums up Vlad's career quite nicely)

  9. owhatever

    Whatever Vlady wants; Vlady gets.
    And little girl, little Vlady wants you.
    Make up your mind to have,
    No regrets,
    Whatever Vlady wants, Vlady gets.

  10. Gunner Asch

    Genghis Khan et al. may have had a few untidy habits like leaving 50,000 skulls at a time around the cities he, um, liberated. But the Russian gene pool now includes a lot of women with wonderful eyes.

  11. paris biltong

    I can see what you mean. Two shorties trading jobs, acting cute. Medvedev looks like he'd be the "passive" half of this couple.

  12. Guppy

    The first time is for love. The second time is for the Russian Orthodox church, who insist on the transvaginal ultrasound.

  13. TheMeatmaker

    Marisa Tomei was able to catapult from this into bigger roles. Her plasma ball, sadly, never appeared on film again.

  14. Tundra Grifter

    She's a Tween, alright. On a cold winter's night along the frozen Volga, you'd want to find her 'tween the sheets.

Comments are closed.