WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?  1:15 pm February 27, 2012

Vladdy Putin Pledges To Take Young Voters’ Virginity

by Jim Newell

Vladimir Putin is all set to steal the Russian presidential election this week, so who knows why he’s even bothering to make campaign ads, but here’s one in which a young Russian girl (a tween?) is told that Vladimir Putin is the right man to take her virginity. Her political virginity? Eh, either one probably works for Putin.

Here, via a friendly KGB agent at Animal New York, is the rough translation:

“We’ll find out, little beauty, who faith has in store for you.”
“You know, I hope it’s for love.” Blink-blink-blink. “It’s my… first time.”
“The carrrds will tell the truth… I see it will be for love… without deception…” (AHEM AHEM)
A Putin card is revealed.
“Wow. It’s him!”
“You’ll be happy with him. He’ll protect you like a stone wall.” (Or something…)

And the kicker:

Putin. First time — only for <3.

How has Newt Gingrich not made this ad yet?

[Animal New York via Buzzfeed]

 
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{ 105 comments }

ManchuCandidate February 27, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I'm sure that Vlad the impaler would love to spread the seed of "demokrazy" and deflower her political virginity.

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 2:12 pm

If not, I humbly off my penis services.

SorosBot February 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I think the old bald KGB agent has really overestimated his desirability.

MissTaken February 27, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Between this and his riding horses shirtless makes me think Pooty Poot does not suffer from low self esteem.

SorosBot February 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm

He definitely seems to think all the women want him. So does old shirtless Vlad get you all hot inside, and wet outside?

Negropolis February 28, 2012 at 2:00 am

If symptoms last more than 4 hours…

orygoon February 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I'll just do a little proxy-vomit for Rick Santorum.

MissTaken February 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Herman Cain was going to run this ad but sadly dropped out right before.

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!

SorosBot February 27, 2012 at 2:17 pm

You want a job, don't you?

OkieDokieDog February 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I always imagine GWBush saying Pootin… heh heh heh

EatsBabyDingos February 27, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Yes, W, who looked into this man's soul and found a fart. Pootin'.

SayItWithWookies February 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I predict lots of crying and blood.

Doktor Zoom February 27, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Ouch. That's awfully good, but… ouch.

Oblios_Cap February 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Stone walls make lousy condoms.

extreme_left February 27, 2012 at 3:46 pm

true…. i find a blintz does the trick.

Callyson February 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Oh, Vladimir, that's it…you got the spot…oh, Vlad!
Shit, and I thought *American* politics had gone nuts…

soeoho February 27, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Doesn't it require 72 virgins just to get on the ballot?

Blueb4sunrise February 27, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Hey! Wait a minute. I replied to her email first. We're engaged as soon as I send her $10,000.

WinterOuthouse February 27, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Is Vlad a priest? Oh sorry. They're just into young boys.

BaldarTFlagass February 27, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Needs moar campaign manager smoking cigarette.

BaldarTFlagass February 27, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Man, them Ukrainian mail-order brides sure are hot.

ManchuCandidate February 27, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Explains the Vladdie's yout' grope: Putting Out for Putin.

Beowoof February 27, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Taking a page from the JKF playbook.

Chichikovovich February 27, 2012 at 1:34 pm

This Putin speech makes me want to vomit.

Negropolis February 28, 2012 at 2:02 am

If only her were that smooth.

Schmannnity February 27, 2012 at 1:27 pm

It's nice Carville can still find work.

LabRodent February 27, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Who many vodka shots you think she can throw down?

RedneckMuslin February 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm

You don't throw down vodka shots. Vodka shots throw down you.

jus_wonderin February 27, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I have a finely honed resistence to vodka. It has taken years, and years but I mastered it. It has been a longtime goal of mine to be able to walk to bed (but not remember doing it).

smokefilledroommate February 27, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Not in Soviet Russia.

freakishlywrong February 27, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Rick Santorum does not approve.

Geminisunmars February 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

So that must mean it's okay. Right?

BaldarTFlagass February 27, 2012 at 1:29 pm

пцсжчиб ау!

paris biltong February 27, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Or, more explicitly perhaps: хуй тебе

not that Dewey February 27, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Mitt Romney won't want to get caught behind the curve on this one: "Some of my best friends took the virginity of tweens. They were just the right height."

Ramon X February 27, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Unemployed?

Negropolis February 28, 2012 at 2:03 am

I was just measuring their heights. The tree came up to about here on me, the same as my wife.

pinkocommi February 27, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Not enough Rubles or vodka in the world to make that midget wannabe dictator Putin attractive as either a politician or a man.

jaytingle February 27, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Like he cares if anyone votes. He produced this ad just to get his perv on.

el_donaldo February 27, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Putin's reinstating the ancient right of kings? Gonna give us a whole new level of puns on "Putin," though, right?

gurukalehuru February 27, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Put in.

SheriffRoscoe February 27, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Wouldn't it be funny if her name was Anastasia?

RadioSBJ February 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Or Amy Fisher.

Terry February 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm

What, did Vlad run out of bare chested photos of himself?

Lucidamente1 February 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm

How do you say "Get on the Cain Train" in Russian?

James Michael Curley February 27, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Получить на Каина поезда

PoLOOtzeetuh na caina poehzda

Extemporanus February 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm

ФАП ФАП ФАП!

Blueb4sunrise February 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Perfect.

paris biltong February 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Уин!

actor212 February 27, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Phi Apple Pi? Huh?

Guppy February 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

It transliterates to "fap."

It's OK, we all have our off-days.

(Not really.)

Lucidamente1 February 27, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Needs moar Dave Albo.

edgydrifter February 27, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Vlad the Impaler, amirite ladies?

SayItWithWookies February 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm

The Russian people will be thrilled, after the next election, to find out they've voted to bring back the droit de seigneur. I just hope Jan Brewer doesn't find out about this.

freakishlywrong February 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

In Russia, perverts vote you.

Baconzgood February 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

*paid for the committee of Pedobear.

Chichikovovich February 27, 2012 at 1:37 pm

ЛOЛ!

smokefilledroommate February 27, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Nice 80's plasma globe.

weej_bain February 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Thigh.

RadioSBJ February 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm

As Putin rears his head and comes into the pubescent vajayjays of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border.

smokefilledroommate February 27, 2012 at 1:42 pm

That's where he rears his ugly "head".

[d'oh--you must have edited that!]

BaldarTFlagass February 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Maybe the paternity of all those extra Palins has been exposed.

ttommyunger February 27, 2012 at 1:40 pm

This little cunt spends way too much time and money butching himself up. Five will get you ten he'd rather suck his pol-pal's dick than get within a mile of this young woman's hoo-ha. I've always suspected him and his little friend of being more than friends, a la Hoover and Tolson.

BaldarTFlagass February 27, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I kinda dig the fortune teller with the Wasserman Schultz hair, though.

Maman February 27, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Is it wrong to want to send her an email asking her to add layers to her hair and stop abusing product?

Chet Kincaid February 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Only if you're a straight man!

An_Outhouse February 27, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I can't take my eyes off her plasma ball.

Schmannnity February 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I thought Stalin wiped out all of the Gypsies and most of the Jews after the War.

Indiepalin February 27, 2012 at 1:46 pm

In Soviet Russia, you fuck politicians. In America, politicians fuck you!

Maman February 27, 2012 at 1:46 pm

His opponent has mysteriously died yet?

Chet Kincaid February 27, 2012 at 1:57 pm

No, but he was eating at a restaurant in Moscow and his face fell off into his bowl of borscht. Go figure.

lulzmonger February 27, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Whoa. Natasha there be pushin' 30, & it's still her "first time"?!?

YOW! That dame's pie must reek bad enough to peel the paint off your car even if you park upwind.

(A sentiment that also sums up Vlad's career quite nicely)

sezme February 27, 2012 at 1:47 pm

They left off the voiceover at the end:
"I'm Vladimir Putin, and I approve of nailing teenage girls."

owhatever February 27, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Whatever Vlady wants; Vlady gets.
And little girl, little Vlady wants you.
Make up your mind to have,
No regrets,
Whatever Vlady wants, Vlady gets.

Gunner Asch February 27, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Genghis Khan et al. may have had a few untidy habits like leaving 50,000 skulls at a time around the cities he, um, liberated. But the Russian gene pool now includes a lot of women with wonderful eyes.

BZ1 February 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Vlad the impaler is a great image…

Lucidamente1 February 27, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Well, I suppose "Get underage pussy" has a nicer ring to it than "Get moose and squirrel."

MrFizzy February 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Putin: Russian for cretin.

An_Outhouse February 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

That ad makes me want Putin to take me! I blame the plasma ball. Those things are hynotizing.

meatlofer February 27, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Russia is done. They need a black man as PM, a Black Russian, if you will?

paris biltong February 27, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I can see what you mean. Two shorties trading jobs, acting cute. Medvedev looks like he'd be the "passive" half of this couple.

redarmyzombie February 27, 2012 at 3:03 pm

In a sense, he kinda is…

smokefilledroommate February 27, 2012 at 2:00 pm

"first time — only for <3"?
Wow–he likes 'em young. Real young.

Neoyorquino February 27, 2012 at 2:02 pm

So, one way or another, voters will be screaming his name?

Mumbletypeg February 27, 2012 at 2:04 pm

From Russia With Lust

Chet Kincaid February 27, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Sacha Baron Putin?

Guppy February 27, 2012 at 2:12 pm

The first time is for love. The second time is for the Russian Orthodox church, who insist on the transvaginal ultrasound.

jus_wonderin February 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm

"transvaginal ultrasound"

I always get tickets when they are in town. Usually around Christmas.

bumfug February 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm

"Putin" is Russian for "poontang".

Redhead February 27, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Santorum/Putin 2012!

DerrickWildcat February 27, 2012 at 2:46 pm

She is very cute.

Doktor Zoom February 27, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Wow. That old guy can really sustain an election.

LeAlbatross February 27, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Bojemoi….

slowhansolo February 27, 2012 at 2:57 pm

"Would you like some making fuck?"

littlebigdaddy February 27, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Putintang?

DahBoner February 27, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I thought old Pooty Poot was just fartin' around…

SaintRond February 27, 2012 at 5:26 pm

If God didn't want us to eat out Russian teenagers, He wouldn't have made them taste so good.

poorgradstudent February 27, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Holy crap, with ads like that *I* might vote for Putin. Better lay on the sugar, Barry!

rickmaci February 27, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Ewww. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Antispandex February 27, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Damn it! Those guys with the KGB hammer and sickle tattoos get all of the chicks!

fuflans February 27, 2012 at 8:33 pm

well sure, but at least he doesn't nanner on about contraception.

TheMeatmaker February 27, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Marisa Tomei was able to catapult from this into bigger roles. Her plasma ball, sadly, never appeared on film again.

foog February 28, 2012 at 12:37 am

How do you say "bunga bunga" in Russian?

Tundra Grifter February 28, 2012 at 9:47 am

She's a Tween, alright. On a cold winter's night along the frozen Volga, you'd want to find her 'tween the sheets.

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