Rick Santorum Gives Mitt Romney the Oscar For Reading Teleprompter

  academy awards in hell

And the academy award for shittiest 2012 GOP commercial goes to ....It’s America’s big night for urban elitists who have seen whatever otherwise unknown movies are nominated for Academy Awards tonight — consider it the Super Bowl for people who only drink box wine ironically, or the big NASCAR race/crash for people who still have most of their own teeth. Oscar (TM) Night is here! If, like us, you don’t really care but still “have people coming over” to “get high” and “eat some bogus recipe made of things we heard about in the New York Times Sunday Styles section, then by all means let’s change the subject to real (terrible) acting. We are talking about Mitt Romney, of course, and Rick Santorum’s blistering new charge that Mittens is reading off a teleprompter when he woodenly reads his prepared remarks that were written months ago by some high-priced communications expert who should really be fired. You know who else reads off a teleprompter?

That’s right, Hitler. We mean, “Billy Crystal.” Because Billy Crystal is reading lame jokes off a teleprompter right now, on the teevee. The main difference between Billy Crystal and Mitt Romney is that a) a lot of people are actually watching and listening to Billy Crystal, and b) Mitt Romney was not in Monsters, Inc., as far as we know.

Anyway, Rick Santorum:

Many Republican candidates make barbed jokes about President Obama’s use of a teleprompter. But Rick Santorum seemed to repurpose the jab Sunday to target rival Mitt Romney, who sometimes uses a teleprompter for speeches on election nights and other occasions.

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“I never have to worry about what I say because I will say what’s on my heart. I might not say it the most articulate sometimes and I understand that, but I have no teleprompters. I answer questions,” Santorum told an audience at a nightclub here.

A nightclub? Santorum is giving his dimwit religious-nut speeches in nightclubs now? We are not sure if this is better or worse than speaking to empty football stadiums. [CBS News]

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235 comments

    1. Negropolis

      I'm partial to "Jezebels" down the street, myself. There, they paint the girls up like proper tarts, I tells ya'. Proper tarts, indeed.

    1. flamingpdog

      I wish he would have announced his choices for who would be the winners before the Oscars so I would have at least known who wasn't going to win.

    2. tessiee

      OMG!!
      Last week, I was complaining to my boyfriend about a friend of a friend who I sometimes have to put up with for the sake of not offending my *actual* friend, you know how that is?
      Me: I mean, she's always sure she's right, and she's never right about ANYTHING! You could bet against everything she says, and make a fortune! She's like Bill Kristol!
      The Viking: What, that guy on the Oscars?

  1. SorosBot

    Well I'm not watching the Oscars – because here in South Philly my digital antenna can't pick up my local ABC affiliate. But I don't think I want to, since the powers that be decided not to show performances for the best song nominees, which means no Muppets.

      1. SorosBot

        Though I just looked up Jim Parsons, and I see he's in that horrible, horrible, horrible Big Bang Theory show. The one that's against Community, the greatest sitcom ever made, and keeps clobbering in the ratings while it sucks. I'm looking at you a little more warily now.

        1. tessiee

          Good things about the Big Bang Theory show:

          1. The existence of a show about scientists must annoy the fundies — hell, the very *name* of the show must give fundies a stroke! — and the theme song's lyrics and accompanying pictures as well.
          2. Four brainy, nerdy guys — I'm in dorkette heaven!
          3. Jim Parsons is a dead ringer for the ex who I was madly in love with, who eventually broke my heart a little… OK, maybe that only counts as half.

    1. not that Dewey

      I didn't watch it either (Roku doesn't have the Oscars), but apparently Sacha Baron Cohen dumped Kim Jong Il's ashes on Ryan Seacrest, so it may have been worth watching, if only for a moment.

      Earlier Friday, Cohen issued a video message in character promising to punish the "Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Zionists" if it did not issue him tickets to the show by Sunday.

      1. SorosBot

        It's something that I paid $30 for once so I now can watch the TV for free instead of paying over $100 a month to Comcast.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Santorum is actually at the Gothic Asshole. He was supposed to be at the Gothic Castle to goof on Mitten's magic act. It's a rough trade..off as Santorum fancies himself as a Discipline Daddy and doesn't go for that ass backwards word play.

    1. tessiee

      Santorum is actually *a* gothic asshole, although he'd manage to make all black and guyliner look every bit as doofy as sweater vests.

  3. Barrelhse

    Rick is going nuts with this social conservative shit. While it can only endear him to a certain small segment of voters, we at least get a good sense of how truly whacked he is- I'm hoping he cracks up and breaks down before its over.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Worse, it's Catholic Social Conservative which doesn't really endear him to much except the "Catch a Predator" or "Like a Virgin" Crowd as most Catholics don't go for his crazy ass shit.

      Of course, like the regular Protestant fundies like what he's saying, but are loathe to trust a papist.

    2. Negropolis

      I'm just waiting for him to fall down speaking in tongues. I know his type of Catholics don't do that, but I can't tell whether he's a Catholic or a Protestant Evangelical, anymore. I want this fucker to go full Pentecostal.

      1. Barrelhse

        I wonder if it will occur at that moment of epiphany when he realizes that God isn't giving him the election after all, and he's not chosen, or even recognized, by anyone upstairs.

      2. Chichikovovich

        Maybe we can make it happen. Have someone in a town hall or whatever in front of a bunch of Focus on the Family types, ask him: "Rick, why haven't you been blessed with the gifts of the Holy Spirit as the Apostles were in Acts 2:4-11, even though the gift of tongues is described clearly in 1 Corinthians 12:8-11. God says in his Word that He will deny his gifts to those who aren't saved – seek this revealed wisdom in Acts 5:32, Hebrews 6:4-8, 10:26-31, I John 3:3-10. Have you failed to love God as he demands?"

        You'll see him holy rolling before the cock crows three times.

        1. tessiee

          "You'll see him holy rolling before the cock crows three times."

          I'm guessing he already did that in the (snicker!)
          *makes finger quotes*
          "nightclub".

      3. LetUsBray

        I've seen accusations that the Frothinator is a stealth Pentecostal steeplejacker, since the creationist shit he's latched onto isn't Catholic. But isn't there a fringe variety of Catholicism that thinks they got it right the first time concerning heretics like Galileo?

    3. wolvenwood13

      "I'm hoping he cracks up and breaks down before its over."

      Too late, I think it's already happened. A long time ago.

    4. tessiee

      "I'm hoping he cracks up and breaks down before its over."

      I intend to spend many a boring moment pleasantly imagining exactly how said meltdown will play out. Full drag and insisting that everyone address him as "Myrna"? Flinging fetus jars into the audience? Furry suit? "Fuck you all, I LOVE my goat!"

  4. FakaktaSouth

    "I never have to worry about what I say because I will say what’s on my heart."

    I think he pulls it out of his ass.

    1. flamingpdog

      I can understand Sarah Palin saying what's on her hand, but how the hell does he read what's on his heart?

  5. DaSandman

    Put the teleprompter next to Santorum's leaky ass and let his anus read the speech. Oh…right! He's all ass, where the fuck do we start?

          1. Doktor Zoom

            I must have spent our last ten dollars on this Al Gore doll!

            (pulls string)

            "You are hearing me talk"

          2. not that Dewey

            You mean the Wigsphere? You're welcome to go up there if you want to see 16,000 boxes of unsold wigs.

  6. Barrelhse

    A Nightclub?
    "I'm Rick Santorum, and I'll be here for the next four years!" (picture THAT) "Tip your waitress!"

  7. RadioCualquier

    Santorum also said, "I see no discernible difference between Jeremiah Wright and Brigham Young." And, "Romney is the most dangerous Republican candidate we've ever had. He is a disaster. He is in over his head." Finally, "You know whoelse ran a successful Olympic Games?"

      1. RadioSBJ

        Tx buddy, I actually thought of the joke a few days ago and was waiting to slip it in here ASAP. If another Wonkateer brother or sister has used it, I'm sorry and let me know. I am an apologetic drunk.
        Another thing I find interesting about the '36 Games was the photo of Jesse Owens on the stand with some fucking Nazi heil hitlering. Flash forward to Mexico City '68 and Tommie Smith and Juan Carlos and, in support, the Australian, Peter Norman, raising their gloved fists. For this human rights expression they got, as punishment, an IOC ban of Smith and Carlos from the Olympic Games for life, and Norman was left off of Australia's Olympic team in 1972.
        It's analogous to Rev. Wright. What did he even say that was wrong? He criticized the USA, which he served for unlike all the chickenhawks, for their misdeeds in the Middle East and abroad. I agree with most of what he was saying. And Tommie and Juan express their feelings in victory? What the fuck did they do wrong??!? So much for 1st Amendment, or even, Human rights.
        It was one of my most memorable sports images of all time. Fuck the IOC.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Yeah, the idea that the Olympics – an idea sponsored by a French Baron and overtly based on nationalistic lines – is apolitical and above political commentary is pretty hilarious.

          Still, don't confuse the IOC or Olympics as a whole with the douchebag who was running the IOC back then (Avery Brundage – nicknamed "Lord of the Rings" for his dictatorial style). Really horrible little dick, lots of parallels with J. Edgar Hoover's view of the Civil Rights movement and similar freaks, never got over getting schooled by Jim Thorpe (whose totally undeserved ban and medal loss Brundage defened for decades). The Olympics have gotten more permissive (Cathy Freeman carrying an aboriginal rights flag in Sydney comes to mind) but the USOC has become known as party poopers (although that had something to do with US sprinters acting like boorish prima donnas and snowboarders getting shitfaced and starting fights).

          1. Chichikovovich

            Douchebag indeed. It's pretty minor in the list of all his asshattery, but Brundage was loathed in Canada when I was a kid because he wouldn't let Canadian professionals play in Olympic hockey even though the Russians and Czechs fielded teams of "amateurs" that were professionals in all but name, playing and training year-round in the top professional leagues. (They either had unusually high paying, high ranks in the army, with no responsibilities except to play hockey if they played for Red Army, or unusually high paying "jobs in airline factories", with the sole responsibility to play for Wings of the Soviet, or … ) Brundage almost single-handedly prevented this state of affairs from being officially acknowledged, and as a result every four years the Olympic hockey tournament would feature the best North Americans not good enough to get a sniff from even the minor leagues, or too young to be out of juniors yet getting annihilated by an all-star team of players from the Soviet Union's first division of "amateur" hockey. There was the occasional upset, such as the US in 1980, but mostly it was a farce, and Canada just stopped sending a team.

            Decades of potentially great international hockey that could also have had genuine diplomatic value got squandered because of that corrupt tinpot dictator.

          2. MosesInvests

            Interestingly, Jesse Owens was at the Olympics as an alternate-he got there because the USOC acceded to Hitler's request not to send any Jews. Jews all over the world cheered when Owens got his medal.

          3. Negropolis

            Even funnier is that Hitler believed black people were just a step above apes, and slow apes, at that. lol

        2. paris biltong

          Don't forget the fascist Marquess of Samaranch, whose many awards appropriately include the Order of the White Double Cross, First Class (Slovakia, 2000). Among other misdeeds, he arranged for the IOC to pay for a suite at the five-star Lausanne Palace where he took up residence for 19 years.

        3. tessiee

          "Mexico City '68 and Tommie Smith and Juan Carlos and, in support, the Australian, Peter Norman, raising their gloved fists."

          What was the story behind this? Were they protesting the Olympics in some way?

          1. RadioCualquier

            1968 in America was a very tumultuous year. And Civil Rights was one of the issues. They were showing solidarity with the Black struggle. Again, what did they do wrong? Bring some imagery into games that was political?
            The whole of the Olympic movement is about nation-states. Especially back at the height of the Cold War. Fuck Avery Brundage with the popes mitre cap.

    1. tessiee

      "Santorum also said, "I see no discernible difference between Jeremiah Wright and Brigham Young."

      Of course, he also has a similar problem with his ass vs. his elbow, his ass vs. a hole in the ground, shit vs. shinola — if I didn't know better, I'd be tempted to think that maybe Li'l Rickles just isn't very bright.

  8. donner_froh

    "I might not say it the most articulate sometimes"

    Sometimes? In your dreams, asshole. How about ALL THE FUCKING TIME. How about whenever you open your mouth words come out.

    That is when you are not articulate.

  9. Steverino247

    Since most Republicans favor simple solutions from America's past to the complex world we're in today, I'd say they're all in over their heads and that's not likely to change.

  10. Negropolis

    Santorum would be better off reading from a teleprompter. I so glad for us that he's so proud of his ignorance and boorishness, though. It makes it much easier to see and smell coming, the nasty, frothy bastard that he is.

    He is so making me want to vote for him in our primary, Tuesday. Keep it up frothball. Trust me, you don't want my vote.

    1. Steverino247

      Oh, please vote for him! Santorum best represents the insanity that lies at the core of the Republican Party. Romney represents the "country club Republicans" that divide up your town while golfing, but Santorum has the hearts and minds of the people who should never, ever vote Republican, yet do every chance they get. I know they won't learn from a crushing defeat in November, but it will be fun to watch.

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      This article was interesting because it explains why His Frothiness has so much message anarchy. Dude, the reason people give "prepared statements" is so they don't slip up and reveal too much of what they actually think. I guess the guy is actually sincere — a sincere, bigoted, theocratic autocrat (is that redundantly repetitive?)

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Oh. hell, there are plenty more adjectives. I found myself struggling to find a noun besides "asshole".

      1. BerkeleyBear

        The Daily Show did a brilliant take down of this with John Oliver, contrasting Mitch Daniels' doublespeak with Santorum's way too honest views on rape pregnancy as a "gift". Basically the political equivalent of the "don't go full tard" speech in that Ben Stiller movie a few years back.

    3. BarackMyWorld

      It makes me feel good knowing no one wrote out anything at his level of stupidity ahead of time. The fact there's not a speech writer somewhere just as ignorant as him gives me hope.

  11. ttommyunger

    Rick is the worst kind of asshole: he truly believes he is right and those who disagree with him (75% of all adults) are dim and doomed. Mitt and Newt just suffer from delusions of grandeur, Little Ricky is the most dangerous kind of crazy there is: a totally fucked in the head asshole who believes he is totally right and nothing this side of the grave is going to change his mind.

    1. Negropolis

      I think this is why the world is so terrified when they hear our Republican politicians. These people are usually college-educated millionaires from comfortable, two-parent households in a thoroughly modern society, and yet they speak the language of the man who just crawled out of the cave and discovered language. Something doesn't feel right about it, becaue, quite frankly, something isn't right about it. We are an ill society. It may not collapse, overnight, but it is in stages of collapse.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      But Newt not only thinks we are all dim, but that only his transformative presence can fix the world. Way beyond normal delusions (which does sum up Romney pretty well, although I think his are more the classic combination of rich white guy entitlement and CEO sycophant ego enlargement than just pure mental illness).

    3. Jukesgrrl

      That's why he wants to spawn as many children as possible. So he can be sure at least some others buy into his claptrap. He knows he doesn't have the charm of Charlie Manson, so he can't just adopt a family.

  12. SpeedoFart

    As I am currently watching the Oscars, I can safely say that Billy Crystal is about as awkward as Mittens during a campaign stop in Detroit.

    Sad, really.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Yeah, I remember when I used to find him funny. Is this because I stopped smoking weed, or just that he is no longer funny?

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      Well, I give him a permanent pass (vis a vis entertainment) because of his bit part in The Princess Bride.

    3. Negropolis

      You want to know what's even more awkward? Ron Paul's going to hold a town hall meeting at a black church in the middle of Detroit. Yeah, wha?

    1. Barrelhse

      Questions for Rick:
      What is mu?
      Does a dog have Buddha nature?
      If Peter Pier picked a peck of pickled peppers…

  13. littlebigdaddy

    I am wondering if there is any way in which Santorum would be uncomfortable living in Spain under Franco. Or being in his government.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Former Sen. Mix and the missus were invested as Knight and Dame of Magistral Grace of the Knights of Malta in a ceremony at St. Patrick's Cathedral in 2004.

        That would be Knights of Malta that dates back to The Crusades, whose jewels and outfits make the Pope look like he got dressed at K-Mart.

        That would be Knights of Malta who consider themselves a sovereign organization, not subject to any national laws, that issue their own postage stamps, broadcast under a unique radio identification prefix, and own 37 military aircraft.

        Kind of makes Opus Dei, founded in 1928, look like the New Kids on the Block.

        But, hey, Frothy is still 100% red, white, and blue Amurrican, dontcha know?

        1. Angry_Marmot

          "No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State", hengh?

    1. MosesInvests

      Hell, he'd be comfortable in the government of Croatia during WWII. The Fascist government of Croatia, which included priests as cabinet ministers and had the enthusiastic support of the archbishop, was so savage in it's persecutions of Jews and Orthodox Christian Serbs that the Nazis themselves were appalled at their cruelty.

  14. Doktor Zoom

    Hard to say which is more irritating: Santorum or that freakin' Cirque du Soleil waste of time.

    OK, Cirque du Soleil is at least more easily ignored.

    1. Biff

      Yes, money usually must be exchanged in order to be annoyed by Cirque. Except here, where my TeeVee ads come from Vegas.

    2. Fukui-sanYesOta

      I was hoping for a "Spiderman" moment with the cirque du soleil crap.

      Thinking on it, I'd prefer a "spiderman" moment with Santorum.

        1. Limeylizzie

          No, I am in NYC but I have twin stepdaughters and they are BOTH pregnant so I have been a knitting fool and haven't been on the Wonkette much of late. MrLimeylizzie loathes awards shows , he is a voting member of the Academy, but we don't go to the awards ceremony, if he was nominated we would go , he has won an Emmy but no Oscars.

    3. tessiee

      Maybe we could somehow force Frothy to join Cirque du Soleil, thereby simplifying everyone's lives by giving them only one thing to avoid, AND removing Frothy from politics? It's a win-win!

  15. BarackMyWorld

    Is the rest of this campaign just going to be Romney, Gingrich, and Santorum taking turns saying stupid things, while everyone ignores Ron Paul?

    1. RadioSBJ

      Wait, Ron Paul doesn't say stupid things?
      Of course he does, but the wingtards don't want any of his anti-Church of the Holy Military-Industrial-Socialism Complex talk.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        One of the advantages of being ignored by everyone is that no one is reporting the dumb things you say.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      No. Starting Wednesday, you will be struck dumb by the brilliance of their oratory and the laser-like precision of their insights all the way to the Republican convention, when all will nominate Ron Paul by acclamation.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      In related news, President Obama was admitted to GWU Hospital for observation after a giggling fit that left him winded.

    2. paris biltong

      That's nothing: I'm not running for president but I know people who own presidential candidates.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      OK, sure, this is true, but it doesn't even really refer to the post…If you're going to 1) be off topic and 2) state something obvious, then you really need to at least work in a buttsex reference of some sort.

      1. FlipOffResearch

        Originally the comment was longer, but my computer pulled a dick move and erased all but the first line.

        I went on to point out these items. Obama uses a teleprompter, the Republicans are against teleprompters. Obama saves the auto industry the Republicans are against it. Obama wants women at Catholic institutions to get contraception the Republicans are against contraception.

        Obama could use this reflexivity to his advantage and come out in favor of breathing.

        BTW, according to the Wonkette Style Book its spelled buttsecks.

    2. JustPixelz

      "funny" ha ha? Because I don't see anyone laughing. Including, especially the Repubicans themselves, who think they're in Hell and who think Rick Santorum is the repo man who's going to "take their country back" as if America was not my country too.

      Or funny, gay? Because Rick Santorum is soooo gay, he named himself after part of the buttsecks experience.

    3. DahBoner

      But they're not racists. They just "know" Black men are lazy and out shooting baskets when they should be working….

  16. Mumbletypeg

    I was here playing Scrabble w/ some friends with the Oscars on, and when they called the film "Undefeated"* as a winner[? finalist, can't remember which] I gave an involuntary flinch and nearly upset the board, which is a big no-no in Scrabble.

    *I had momentarily forgotten it's a different "Undefeated" than the Palin tripe, as discussed here earlier~

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      "We need to have to have an education system that is not government-run out of Washington or out of state capitals across this country. It should be run by communities and family,"

      because everyone knows that Uncle Cletus can bestow a worthwhile Microelectronics and Materials Science MSc to an uncommonly smart member of the McSisterfuck clan.

      1. Negropolis

        We already have schooling that is run by communities and families (PTAs). They are called school districts, and it's probably why we have such disjointed public education in this nation, because every little feifdom gets to choose their own curriculum and textbooks and whatever else the hell they choose. Seems to me the feds probably only have the most say in local matters when it comes to cafeteria.

        I'll tell you what, an "A" an Alabama ain't the same as an "A" in Massachusetts.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          And yet, thanks to activist judges legislating from the bench, local school boards have no freedom to make students pray or learn that the earth truly is 6000 years old. Truly a sad state of affairs for a nation that used to believe in liberty.

      2. ShaveTheWhales

        I am a fairly smart and moderately well-educated person. I have successfully explained complicated technical subjects, when needed, to co-workers, including some whose grasp of English was only somewhat better than my grasp of their first language. BTW, for whatever it's worth, both of my parents were teachers.

        I could no more have home-schooled my own kids than I could have free-climbed El Capitan. Maybe it's different if their mom is alive, but my experience says we need teachers.

        1. finallyhappy

          You could homeschool your kids if you understood that learning the Bible, how to add and subtract and also how to take care of the home if the child is a girl is all they need to know.

          1. tessiee

            How to leverage the inevitable "oops!" babbies into a "career" promoting abstinence seems like a pretty neat trick.
            Or, you know, it beats working.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      Also:
      "President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college – what a snob!" he said to laughter and cheers from the audience.

      How the hell does that make you a snob??? An actual snob would say "only some people should be allowed into college."

      Fucking MORON.

      1. chicken_thief

        I guess that would make Ricky Buttgoo even snobbier than Barry since Ricky has one more degree than the elitist Pres. And, of course, there is video of Ricky saying the exact same thing as Barry during his failed Senate reelection campaign.

      2. tessiee

        Ignorance and stupidity are morally superior to intelligence and education, because the Rs special little brand of horse shit won't fly with anyone who knows anything about anything.

        Therefore, anyone who doesn't aggressively promote ignorance and stupidity and aggressively demonize intelligence and education are "snobs" who "think they're better'n evrabuddy else", and who may even be making fun of Cletus and Brandine and their eleven Kre8Tively named children/siblings.

        President Obama, specifically, is a "snob" because he's…
        well, *you* know…
        uppity.

    3. RadioSBJ

      "There are good, decent men and women who work hard every day who aren't taught by some liberal college professor

      hahaha, the shitface, shit ass has THREE fucking degrees. He needs one more in an honorary Doctorate in Hypocrisy.

    1. flamingpdog

      What, the Swiss Guard wasn't good enough for him? Hypocrite!

      EDIT: And why can't we just give the man an industrial strength crotch cup? I don't know anyone who would want to waste a bullet on this clown, but I know a whole bunch who would love the opportunity to kick him in the nuts.

    2. paris biltong

      I thought the Lord was his shield and armor.
      'He said to them, "Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?" Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it became perfectly calm.' (Matthew 8:26)

  17. ShaveTheWhales

    Someone in the Secret Service has figured out that Frothy needs protection from the Republican Establishment.

  18. johnnyzhivago

    Mitt's problem isn't that he uses a teleprompter some of the time. His problem is that he doesn't use one ALL of the time.

    He needs that radio backpack that Bush used so someone with half a brain can remind him what to say.

  19. johnnyzhivago

    BTW, having been involved in corporate video production I can say with 100% certainty that Santorum uses a Teleprompter whenever he is making some sort of video message. It's a STANDARD PRACTICE to save time and avoid having the subject look like a blithering idiot.

  20. Doktor Zoom

    I hear that this Santorum fellow uses machines to make him move across the surface of the earth in ways that God never intended. A truly authentic human being would walk like the good lord wanted us to.

  21. occams8ball

    I can easily picture ricky holding a cigarette and a highball sweating in front of a mike stand. "Great crowd tonight! reminds me of DaVinci's famous painting of all those guys eating dinner and facing in the same direction!"

  22. Chichikovovich

    what’s on my heart

    No, Rick, I think you mean "What's in my heart". What's on your heart is:
    "Jarvik H-2000 Cheney Chugger TM Umbrella corp.
    Not for use near microwave ovens or in connection with human decency.
    Tested to 200 Helms units of raw hatred and 150 Nixons of paranoia."

    1. Doktor Zoom

      To be fair, he thinks that grammar is a conspiracy by liberals who want to indoctrinate people. Prepositions are not on the American tradition.

    1. freakishlywrong

      And Kudos to Wiegel for "lumpen proletariat". It's truly scary that these are 26% of our population.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I was channeling the old joke about the workers who were told to get portraits of a bunch of Nazi leaders ready for display in a banquet hall. One says to the other, "So, do you think we should hang them or just line them up against the wall?"

  23. Chichikovovich

    A nightclub? Santorum is giving his dimwit religious-nut speeches in nightclubs now?

    Maybe it used to be Jack Ruby's nightclub.

  24. Terry

    "Mitt Romney was not in Monsters, Inc., as far as we know."

    He may, however, know the people who bankrolled it.

  25. tessiee

    "Academy Awards tonight — consider it the Super Bowl for people who only drink box wine ironically"

    I'm not sure who drinks box wine ironically, but the people in Portland who do things ironically (and just for the record, I think they drink PBR) wouldn't be caught dead watching any movie that was nominated for the Oscars. The other reason they won't be watching the Oscars is because, as they make sure to let you know, they don't own a television.

  26. tessiee

    "eat some bogus recipe made of things we heard about in the New York Times Sunday Styles section"

    *crestfallen*
    *shamefacedly retreats to kitchen with untouched tray of risotto, topped with bacon-wrapped fetusi, and drizzled wtih arugula/radicchio/fennel reduction*

  27. tessiee

    "Santorum told an audience at a nightclub here."

    I don't know if you could fairly call The Ramrod a "nightclub", exactly, but it *was* Assless Chaps Tuesday, and they *do* take food stamps.

  28. tessiee

    "“I never have to worry about what I say because I will say what’s on my heart."

    Behind the scenes, teams of programmers made frantic adjustments to the Mittbot's Sincerity Simulator.

  29. tessiee

    "Mittens is reading off a teleprompter when he woodenly reads his prepared remarks that were written months ago by some high-priced communications expert who should really be fired."

    Why blame the speechwriter?
    The ghosts of Shakespeare, Will Rogers, and Mark Twain combined could write speeches for Rmoney, and he'd never come off as anything other than an out-of-touch, dickish plutocrat.

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