Wolf Blitzer Blog Post Answers Every Question You Had About Politics

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Also tooAre you confused about how last night’s Republican debate “will play” with the voters of Arizona and Michigan? Or what about politics in general: Are you confused about what politics is? Your Wonkette had no idea about any of these things — all these years we’ve just been liveblogging SportsCenter for each post — until we read the latest installment on BLITZER’S BLOG, in which Wolf Blitzer types nonsense about politics in the exact same hilarious voice he uses to deliver non-news and military propaganda on his daily CNN program. What does he have to say about politics today?

He warms things up with a trifecta of hackneyed sedatives, to capture the reader’s attention:

If you think it’s been a rough ride for the Republican candidates during this current campaign season, just wait. This will be seen as child’s play once the general election campaign begins.

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again…

Now we’ll jump straight into the Beltway insider analysis: Democrats and Republicans will verbally attack each other during the 2012 Presidential Election. It will be something.

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: the war of words between President Obama and his campaign supporters versus the eventual Republican nominee and his supporters will be fierce.

Wolf, a careful journalist, arrived at this conclusion last night. He noticed an interesting thing, on television. Republican presidential candidates were saying bad things about the current Democratic president.

I was thinking about that during last night’s Arizona Republican debate on CNN. The rhetoric against President Obama was intense.

And that mean rhetoric from last night? There will be more mean rhetoric from the Republicans between now and November, during the presidential election. The Democrats will also use mean rhetoric, but against the Republicans. The Republicans and the Democrats will also have money, and money can be exchanged for goods and services, such as advertisements featuring mean rhetoric.

And that’s just for starters. Just wait for what’s coming.

By the way, the president and his supporters will not be shy in fighting back.

And like the Republicans, they will have hundreds of millions of dollars to finance attack ads.

Should we get ready for anything?

Get ready for a brutal political season.

Huh.

[CNN]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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237 comments

  1. nounverb911

    Wolf Blitzer Blog Post Answers Every Question You Had About Politics
    Why did Reagan raise taxes 12 times?

    1. Omophagist

      He sure as fuck doesn't know. Remember, Wolf Blitzer lost to Andy Richter on Celebrity Jeopardy by $65K and the only reason it was greater was b/c they allowed Blitzer to play in Final Jeopardy even though he had a negative total.

  2. slithytoves

    The Republicans and the Democrats will also have money, and money can be exchanged for goods and services, such as advertisements featuring mean rhetoric.

    This is exactly why, many times in the day, I agree with Marx.

    1. Negropolis

      Not for the human races' first couple, it wasn't. If only they'd been content with eating from the Tree of Stupid…er…Tree of Life. But, no, they just had to want to know shit and go eat from the Tree of Knowledge, the elitist bastards.

  3. weej_bain

    Get ready for a brutal political season

    Will do. And also, too Ginger Jim, will you be bringing the 60 lb Costco bag of Cheetos or is that on Ken's list?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I would prefer corn chips, por favor. In honor of the growth of the growth of the Latino voting bloc. Cheetos are for WASPs in their knotty pine rec rooms.

  4. edgydrifter

    Shorter Wolf: Some of these Republicans would like to be the next President. The current President will oppose their efforts to unseat him. I await my call from the Pulitzer committee.

    1. SmutBoffin

      I have a strong suspicion that the candidate who acquires the majority of the electoral votes in this election will become the next president!

  5. SayItWithWookies

    I just hope Americans have been so cowed that no brave soul lifts his head up to alert the nation about the president being born in a foreign country, palling around with terrorists, indoctrinated into a Muslim sect, listening to an anti-American preacher, employing 256 known communists, hiring more czars than the Russian empire had, or being the brains behind the Sacco-Vanzetti operation. That could blow everything we've worked so hard to accomplish.

    1. FROTHY

      Especially that bit about Sacco-Vanzetti. Chances are the current crop of dim bulbs couldn't tell the difference between those two anachists and that thug Berlusconi.

        1. FROTHY

          See, not everybody knows that. It was the bocconcini that was a proper mozzarella di bufala. The regular-size guys were all like fior di latte.

  6. CogitoErgoBibo

    Republicans? Still mean. The rhetoric? Still harsh. The election? Ongoing. Move along; nothing to see here but a sad old man trying to be relevant.

        1. Gunner Asch

          But be sure to check for MS even though it's never that either. We got an hour show to fill, folks!

  7. HogeyeGrex

    Sadly, this is actually better "journalism" than 90% of the drivel shoveled into the waiting maw of the American electorate.

    It may be trivial, stupid and bog-obvious, but at least it's not diametrically opposed to observable reality.

    1. Pithaughn

      diametrically opposed to observable reality. DOOR for short. Surely you know that the really super important stuff is not observable. You just feel it in your gut.

    2. Sharkey

      SHARKEY REPORT: I am making a comment on Wonkete right now.

      And that’s just for starters. Just wait for what’s coming.

      I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: Trucknutz.

  8. memzilla

    The terrifying and disgusting thing is that a portion of the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on political ads goes to CNN, and, in turn, pays Wolf's overblown salary.

      1. yyyaz

        These goober-picking candidates could learn a thing or two from a wise blah man. Well, one thing. Maybe.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    Just wait for what’s coming.
    Should we get ready for anything?
    Get ready for a brutal political season.

    Sounds like someone's got November sweeps fever already. I think Wolf secretly wants to be a Pre-Oscar ® announcer, basking in sensationalistic pageanty-laden flair like Tyra Banks.

  10. Callyson

    the war of words between President Obama and his campaign supporters versus the eventual Republican nominee and his supporters will be fierce.
    If he had added "and not the good kind of fierce," then his remarks would have added value.

    1. Negropolis

      You win.

      He's also the Larry King of politics. Gawd was that man a horrible interviewer, like aching-pain-at-the-back-of-your-optical-nerve horrible.

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      Exactly, I always picture him and John King planning their attack on Poland on the Magic Wall during off hours.

  11. Local_Mojo

    Wolfie is just exactly like my Jewish grandfather! That is, if I were Jewish and had a grandfather.

  12. SorosBot

    Next up, Wolf will explain how food is tasty but too much can make us fat, and that most humans enjoy having sex with other humans.

    1. Negropolis

      Yes, but will he gives us the real story and dig deeper to show us that some humans enjoy having sex with other animals? That is the real story.

  13. Barrelhse

    This is precisely why Wolfe Blitzer is a genuine heavyweight in the field of professional journalism.

  14. ProgressiveInga

    Awww, shuckey-duckey Blitz. You soundin' like you from U-bekki-bekki-bekki-stan-stan. You want a job, don't you? Now STFU.

  15. savethispatient

    This is the main problem with CNN: it's a 24-hour news network, anyone who watches it probably has quite an in-depth knowledge of the political world, yet all they do is aim the news at the lowest possible denominator, giving the least amount of detail possible. I'm sure one day soon the headline news will be "Did you know there are two main parties in the US?". The BBC coverage of US elections is more in depth, and that's aimed at a foreign audience. Gah!

    1. Chet Kincaid

      I happily noticed yesterday that the BBC World News now has a whole channel on Comcast in Chicago! No more scrounging around for BBC News on BBC America and PBS! Now if only we could get a Canadian news channel.

    2. DemmeFatale

      They lost me during the "Anna Nicole Smith-a-thon."
      Well, OK, I was gone before then, but that was the final nail in the coffin.

      (When I think of them back in the day, I could just cry.)

      1. MoeDeLawn

        Meh. Furriners mebbe smart, but I go directly to Wonkette sometime between 9 AM and 5 PM for current events coverage and analization.

        'Specially the analization.

  16. BlueStateLibel

    What did Wolf have to promise Satan to get his big CNN anchor job? (I've seen this movie somewhere before… it doesn't end well for Mickey Rourke if I recall correctly.)

  17. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    I predict that the 2012 election will see pundits engaging in hitherto-unprecedented levels of sophomoric cliche.

    1. gullywompr

      There will be laser-like focus on who has a big-enough war chest to rally the party faithful and solidify the base, and who will be fighting for their political lives in a high-stakes game to win the White House.

  18. MissTaken

    Obviously we need to liveblog The Situation Room. But only on a full moon when Wolf's inner wolf really shines.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Oh, but CNN is really fun on election nights, with the two large parties sitting at separate tables waiting for their drink orders! They should call it "Anderson Cooper's Diner Dash."

  19. paris biltong

    Have a little sympathy. If I had to pay as much attention as he does to all of this bullshit campaign, I'd probably become raving mad too.

  20. OneYieldRegular

    "The rhetoric against President Obama was intense."

    Finally – the courage to notice what no journalist has noticed before.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      And why would any respectable journalist devote resources and airtime to sleuthing up the truth on whether Obama eats white babies while praying toward Mecca? That's unethical — you'd be making yourself part of the story!!

      1. KenLayIsAlive

        As one pounds his ass furiously as the tandem mows the grass at Lou's mansion on a riding lawn mower – assuming we've learned anything from Wonkette about the secret lives of America's haters.

        Picture THAT America!

    1. yyyaz

      How Marxist/Commie/Islamofascist/Fembot/Lie-bral can you get?!!??? Is Lou against teaching our precious children that humanity is a life-form completely dependent on the health of our lone, puny planet? Or is it just his inability to follow the plot that has his dander in a fluff? Sheesh, Lou, read a real book once in a while.

    2. chascates

      I remember seeing him rant some years back about the elitist ivy league schools. His alma mater is Harvard.

    3. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      And of course, this being a Hollywood adaptation, the environmental emphasis of the original book has been largely whittled down to nothing. Instead of a bleak fable of greed and environmental devastation, it's now a boy's epic quest for the Last Tree–so he can win a cute girls heart. And the Lorax, instead of being a tragic, unheeded Cassandra, is a wisecracking but harmless eccentric voiced by Danny DeVito. Pretty good rant here.

      To a certain degree, it's actually rather satisfying that Universal Studios is pleasing nobody–the left is pissed that they've watered down the story's environmentalism, and the right is pissed that the movie isn't a full-on celebration of the job-creating glories of the Tar Sands.

  21. Antispandex

    "By the way, the president and his supporters will not be shy in fighting back."

    I guess there could be a first time for anything. Not very much like the political left (or what passes for an "opposition party") in ths country to do so. But hey…we can HOPE…right?

    1. yyyaz

      You now owe me a new pair of eyeglasses to replace the pair I just twisted into a Miro mobile with a double-palm face plant. Thanks a lot, guy.

  22. FakaktaSouth

    Damn it JNew, now I have to hate Beardy McWeirdy instead of just ignore him? I hate that he is calling lying fierce. I am fine with him saying they said stuff, untrue stuff that sounds stupid in the face of reality. I mean, yeah – that Obama sure does love Al Qaeda, he bows right before he gives the signal to blow out their brains through their eye sockets. Even a Rick Santorum supporter is reminded of what BO did when AlQ is mentioned – he killed the head Muslim in Charge and to say that it is fierce to now call him weak makes you also sound stupider than someone who still wants to vote for Newt "Infanticide" Gingrich, Wolf Blitzer.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I've always thought what kept Xena on the air was all the lesbians who watched that show. It was like the Cagney & Lacey of the 1990s.
      But Xena? Campy as hell. They even had a frickin' "musical episode".

  23. Dashboard Buddha

    Somewhere in an honest dimension…

    Wolf? Why does the GOP want to lower taxes for the wealthy

    -They're douchebags

    Wolf? Why does the GOP hate the poor?

    They're douchebags

    Wolf? What about the browns?

    Douchebag again.

    What about the…

    -Douchebag

  24. Blueb4sunrise

    Great new ad up there….

    The Top 15 Things To Do Before Meeting with a Bankruptcy Lawyer in your area.

    Dern it, what we really need is the ad I just saw at B-Juice.

    THE 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN
    THE 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN
    THE 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN
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    THE 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN

  25. mavenmaven

    oh, what will they come up with for 2012? Dirt on Obama's connection with Rev Wright, birth certificate, William Ayers?

      1. FROTHY

        That's probly their best bet. Funny thing is, it isn't bringing them wimminfolkz back to the party in droves. Can't figure out why that should be. Stupid cunts must be hating us for our freedoms, or something.

  26. Chet Kincaid

    There are only a couple of "opinions" that vanilla, "professional TV journalists" are allowed to pretend to express:

    1) Nasty rhetoric and negative campaigning are bad and turn off voters. (This is especially true when Democrats defend either themselves or Truth/Reality. But you can't say that!!)

    2) Congress takes too long to get anything done. Why can't Congress get anything done?! (This is especially true when one side of the aisle in particular deserves 95% of the blame. But you can't say that!!)

    There you have it. That is the collective wisdom of Wolf Blitzer, Brian Williams, David Gregory, Chuck Todd, et al. Don't you feel informed?

    1. Mojopo

      Somewhere along the way "fair and balanced" become more important than the truth. We have a misinformed electorate to boot, but it's kind of their own fault because they end up Jaywalking on Leno every other day, and agreeing that the square root of purple is sausage gravy. (I don't watch him, but I know what he stole from Howard Stern, Anyway –)

    2. Negropolis

      You got the template exactly right. This is how birth control – and issue decided decades ago, and an issue where 90%+ of Americans are in agreement – has become a "controversy". This is how invading a woman's body for an medically unnecessary procedure is seen as a legitimate piece of legislation that can be compromised on.

  27. chascates

    Wolf, my question is how can someone be around politicians, pundits, pollsters, and lobbyists all the time and not consider himself a slimey pimp for even considering their ideas worth listening to let alone giving them airtime to bloviate?
    Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if there is something more to life than permitting an obvious liar to mislead millions in an effort to make their lives more miserable? Or even start a war where thousands of our young people will die or suffer horrible injuries?
    Or do you get a thrill when some aging asshole claps you on the back at a cocktail party or expensive restaurant and considers you 'one of them'?

    Because the last person in the Washington media I think I could trust was I.F. Stone and you sure as hell ain't no I.F. Stone! Fucker!!!!

  28. 40 or 50 % McShineys

    I remember this!
    Then there's a knock at the door and he gets a letter from Mister McFeely, and then Lady Elaine Fairchilde talks to some cat that says something like "meow-meow-beardy-meow"

  29. owhatever

    What if he was named Trevor Blitzer? Would anybody watch? Having a candidate for president look at the drool falling from the sharp fangs and say, "Well, Wolf," is like bowing to the alpha male. Only his brother Satan Blitzer is stronger.

  30. ugodOH

    This election is going to come down to whichever candidate can get the most votes in the Electoral College. There, now can I get paid massive amounts of money to be on TV in a suit?

  31. Mojopo

    It feels like that's been true since about 2000. From there, foreign coverage of our political news got even better.

  32. IceCreamEmpress

    I've said this before and I'll say it again: Wolf Blitzer is a cretinous numbskull, and if brains were dynamite he couldn't blow Rick Santorum.

  33. chascates

    Jesus' General has a timely resolution of which I'll share a bit: http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/2012/02/resolution

    WHEREAS: the traditional American family, composed of a righteously authoritarian husband, and a subservient wife and children, thrived for nearly 6000 years after Adam first corrected Eve with a strap fashioned from stegosaurus hide.

    WHEREAS: every day, trillions of spermatazoan-Americans die from head injuries caused by violent collisions with latex.

    BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED: that the Republican National Committee recognize that the part of sex when the wife vomits inhibits a traditional husband's willingness to achieve the procreative moment and that the RNC therefore demand that insurance companies provide anti-nausea drug coverage for procreative purposes.

    1. Negropolis

      ROTFLMAO!

      thrived for nearly 6000 years after Adam first corrected Eve with a strap fashioned from stegosaurus hide.

      Genius.

  34. Chet Kincaid

    I also like that phony thing all the talking heads are trained to do, where they drop their chin emphatically at the end of a sentence, or switch the angle of their head from one side to the other without actually conveying any meaning. It's meant to demonstrate their authority and conviction without actually being the vertical "yes" or horizontal "no" that would pin them down to saying something true and vouching for it.

    1. Negropolis

      Brian Williams is the king of this. I've seen the guy on the late-night shows, and whenever someone tried to get a real opinion out of him, even in the most subtle of ways, he'd instinctively do this. They are liked train seals, but not the navy kind.

  35. WiscDad

    I've said it before and I'll say it again…Wolfe Blitzer's a hack with a made up name that makes him appear to be Scandinavian…or Norse…or some shit

  36. Negropolis

    Wolf is history's most boring monster.

    I've seen middle school current events essays more biting and courageous than this.

  37. Negropolis

    Hasn't the city of Buffalo suffered enough but to then have this vacant native son thrust upon their sullied image? Woe to Buffalo if he yet sits straddled atop cable newsdom.

  38. Manhattan123

    I wonder if he types in that weird droning monotone he speaks in? Seriously, has no executive at CNN ever said, "You know, Wolf is on our air for many many hours each week, maybe we should spend a few thousand bucks and get him some rudimentary public speaking training."

  39. ttommyunger

    Hey Wolf, I've got a political question: "What is old, short, has a beard and smells like dirty socks wrapped in burnt bacon?"

  40. mrblifil

    Oh for the sensible times when mandatory vaginal proves for everyone was the order of the day.

    Hey I hear Syria has room for one more journalist. (Too soon?)

  41. prommie

    Reminds me of Larry King's old syndicated column. Now that I think of it, Larry's column invented "Tweeting." He never attempted to develop any single idea or observation, it was a series of one sentence observations. Things like "For my money, Betty Grable had the best gams of any broad to come down the pike. Yowza!."

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