AMERICA'S GREATEST PUNDITS  5:40 pm February 23, 2012

Wolf Blitzer Blog Post Answers Every Question You Had About Politics

by Jim Newell

Also tooAre you confused about how last night’s Republican debate “will play” with the voters of Arizona and Michigan? Or what about politics in general: Are you confused about what politics is? Your Wonkette had no idea about any of these things — all these years we’ve just been liveblogging SportsCenter for each post — until we read the latest installment on BLITZER’S BLOG, in which Wolf Blitzer types nonsense about politics in the exact same hilarious voice he uses to deliver non-news and military propaganda on his daily CNN program. What does he have to say about politics today?

He warms things up with a trifecta of hackneyed sedatives, to capture the reader’s attention:

If you think it’s been a rough ride for the Republican candidates during this current campaign season, just wait. This will be seen as child’s play once the general election campaign begins.

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again…

Now we’ll jump straight into the Beltway insider analysis: Democrats and Republicans will verbally attack each other during the 2012 Presidential Election. It will be something.

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: the war of words between President Obama and his campaign supporters versus the eventual Republican nominee and his supporters will be fierce.

Wolf, a careful journalist, arrived at this conclusion last night. He noticed an interesting thing, on television. Republican presidential candidates were saying bad things about the current Democratic president.

I was thinking about that during last night’s Arizona Republican debate on CNN. The rhetoric against President Obama was intense.

And that mean rhetoric from last night? There will be more mean rhetoric from the Republicans between now and November, during the presidential election. The Democrats will also use mean rhetoric, but against the Republicans. The Republicans and the Democrats will also have money, and money can be exchanged for goods and services, such as advertisements featuring mean rhetoric.

And that’s just for starters. Just wait for what’s coming.

By the way, the president and his supporters will not be shy in fighting back.

And like the Republicans, they will have hundreds of millions of dollars to finance attack ads.

Should we get ready for anything?

Get ready for a brutal political season.

Huh.

[CNN]

 

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{ 237 comments }

nounverb911 February 23, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Wolf Blitzer Blog Post Answers Every Question You Had About Politics
Why did Reagan raise taxes 12 times?

Huevos Ocupados February 23, 2012 at 6:01 pm

To flatten it out and make it more fair?

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Because he was intense?

gullywompr February 23, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Because the 99% still had some money left.

paris biltong February 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Because he had become too senile to do it a 13th time.

neiltheblaze February 23, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Because he forgot about the first eleven times?

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm

To get to the other side.

Wait, wha?

Omophagist February 24, 2012 at 9:17 am

He sure as fuck doesn't know. Remember, Wolf Blitzer lost to Andy Richter on Celebrity Jeopardy by $65K and the only reason it was greater was b/c they allowed Blitzer to play in Final Jeopardy even though he had a negative total.

themcwow February 24, 2012 at 10:34 am

Astrology?

Barb February 23, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I'm still rooting for Sarah Palin to shoot Wolf from a helicopter.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Can you email her and tell her that she stands a good chance of being elected if she does that?

nounverb911 February 23, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Don't bother, she'll just quit halfway through again.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Dood, you sure know how to rain on a person's parade.

flamingpdog February 23, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Maybe we'll get lucky and her helicopter will quit halfway through.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Be still my beating heart.

Nostrildamus February 23, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Bang !

Is he dead?

We'll have to leave it there…

Not_So_Much February 23, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Seems like an ultimate win-win if she gets arrested for it. Also.

slithytoves February 23, 2012 at 5:44 pm

The Republicans and the Democrats will also have money, and money can be exchanged for goods and services, such as advertisements featuring mean rhetoric.

This is exactly why, many times in the day, I agree with Marx.

Jukesgrrl February 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm

And something tells me both parties will still stiff local businesses like sign makers and donut shops.

paris biltong February 23, 2012 at 6:37 pm

And, as Marx would have it, money gets ultimately exchanged for more money.

SudsMcKenzie February 23, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Wolf Blitzer being a dumb ass for 200 Alex:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2ySV7AfgM

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Normally, he does it for free.

Nothingisamiss February 23, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I was hoping someone would post this.

SudsMcKenzie February 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I remember the day some un-employed slacker sent that "tip" to Jim like it was a long time ago.

KenLayIsAlive February 23, 2012 at 10:14 pm

okay that nearly earned me a walnut out of my nose. THANK YOU.

Wat a fucking idiot, also. Fettuccine?!?!

Dashboard_Jesus February 24, 2012 at 12:25 am

oh sure, those were all 'gotcha' questions (and the answer is, 'all of 'em"!)

Indiepalin February 23, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Knowledge is good.

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Not for the human races' first couple, it wasn't. If only they'd been content with eating from the Tree of Stupid…er…Tree of Life. But, no, they just had to want to know shit and go eat from the Tree of Knowledge, the elitist bastards.

weej_bain February 23, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Get ready for a brutal political season

Will do. And also, too Ginger Jim, will you be bringing the 60 lb Costco bag of Cheetos or is that on Ken's list?

Jukesgrrl February 23, 2012 at 6:37 pm

I would prefer corn chips, por favor. In honor of the growth of the growth of the Latino voting bloc. Cheetos are for WASPs in their knotty pine rec rooms.

weej_bain February 23, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Good point, and with the recent GOP outings, so-to-speak, their knotty pine rec rooms have been ever so naughty.

edgydrifter February 23, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Shorter Wolf: Some of these Republicans would like to be the next President. The current President will oppose their efforts to unseat him. I await my call from the Pulitzer committee.

SmutBoffin February 23, 2012 at 6:06 pm

I have a strong suspicion that the candidate who acquires the majority of the electoral votes in this election will become the next president!

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 6:21 pm

That was just a lucky guess.

flamingpdog February 23, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Don't count your chickens until the SCOTUS egg hatches.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:23 pm

You keep your fingers *off* my chickens, dood.

OneYieldRegular February 23, 2012 at 6:39 pm

They gave one to Kathleen Parker, so your chances seem pretty good.

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Bwahahahahaha!

Jukesgrrl February 23, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Sorry, Wolf, the Pulitzer Committee watches Jeopardy.

neiltheblaze February 23, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Wolf Blitzer: The most trusted name in belaboring the obvious since 1990.

Pithaughn February 23, 2012 at 8:37 pm

little known fact made up by someone, he changed his name from Shark Divebomber.

MissTaken February 23, 2012 at 5:49 pm

CNN = Politics.

weej_bain February 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm

CNN = Poultice

SayItWithWookies February 23, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I just hope Americans have been so cowed that no brave soul lifts his head up to alert the nation about the president being born in a foreign country, palling around with terrorists, indoctrinated into a Muslim sect, listening to an anti-American preacher, employing 256 known communists, hiring more czars than the Russian empire had, or being the brains behind the Sacco-Vanzetti operation. That could blow everything we've worked so hard to accomplish.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Especially that bit about Sacco-Vanzetti. Chances are the current crop of dim bulbs couldn't tell the difference between those two anachists and that thug Berlusconi.

paris biltong February 23, 2012 at 6:39 pm

They bought out Chrysler, didn't they?

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 6:58 pm

No, no, that was Berlusconi! (waves arms excitably)

finallyhappy February 23, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I love their restaurant chain-they make their own mozzerella

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 10:17 pm

See, not everybody knows that. It was the bocconcini that was a proper mozzarella di bufala. The regular-size guys were all like fior di latte.

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Mmmmm…never-ending breadsticks with garlic butter dipping sauce….mmmmm…..

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 11:17 pm

You hungry, baby?

PhilippePetain February 23, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Oh yeah, that czar thing was something, wasn't it?

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:25 pm

So was the CAR thing. They just can't get beyond their poutrage.

MissTaken February 23, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Dammit, Wolf didn't answer the one question I had about politics: Will there be holograms?

flamingpdog February 23, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Anti-grav armored limos? Contraceptive jet backpacks?

gullywompr February 23, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Not of the Republicans. You have to have something three dimensional to start with.

Mojopo February 23, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Golly gee, we might end up on the Ridiculist. WAH WAH…

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:25 pm

There will be *sono*grams.

CogitoErgoBibo February 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Republicans? Still mean. The rhetoric? Still harsh. The election? Ongoing. Move along; nothing to see here but a sad old man trying to be relevant.

HogeyeGrex February 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Let's get rrrrrrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrrrumble…

feh

Huevos Ocupados February 23, 2012 at 5:53 pm

What a waste. If my parents had named me Wolf Blitzer I would be INVINCIBLE!

memzilla February 23, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I feel sorry for Wolf's brothers, Lupus and Weasel Blitzer.

GunToting[Redacted] February 23, 2012 at 6:30 pm

His sister, Ferret, agrees.

Barrelhse February 23, 2012 at 6:36 pm

She's a Fox!
Oh..wait- she's really a Dog.

paris biltong February 23, 2012 at 6:43 pm

She married Dave Krieg and is now Mrs. Blitzer Krieg

flamingpdog February 23, 2012 at 6:31 pm

And his drunken uncle, Weiss Blitz Blitzer.

Barrelhse February 23, 2012 at 6:39 pm

and the artillery officer, Howe Blitzer.

neiltheblaze February 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm

He's related to one of Santa's reindeer on his dad's side.

HogeyeGrex February 23, 2012 at 7:16 pm

It's never Lupus.

Gunner Asch February 23, 2012 at 7:37 pm

But be sure to check for MS even though it's never that either. We got an hour show to fill, folks!

KenLayIsAlive February 23, 2012 at 10:25 pm

If you can't be invincible, settle for inane. I guess that's how he worked it out inside his empty little head.

Sharkey February 23, 2012 at 5:55 pm

What? There's an election coming up?

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Be sure to bite it.

Indiepalin February 23, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Wolf is short for Wolverine

flamingpdog February 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Wolf is short for Wolfram & Hart.

Jukesgrrl February 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Don't blame the Wolverines. He went to SUNY Buffalo.

Indiepalin February 23, 2012 at 7:05 pm

As did I.

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Good old Logan is much cooler and smarter than Wolf could ever hope to be.

HogeyeGrex February 23, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Sadly, this is actually better "journalism" than 90% of the drivel shoveled into the waiting maw of the American electorate.

It may be trivial, stupid and bog-obvious, but at least it's not diametrically opposed to observable reality.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I hate so much that you are correct about this.

Pithaughn February 23, 2012 at 8:38 pm

diametrically opposed to observable reality. DOOR for short. Surely you know that the really super important stuff is not observable. You just feel it in your gut.

Sharkey February 23, 2012 at 9:54 pm

SHARKEY REPORT: I am making a comment on Wonkete right now.

And that’s just for starters. Just wait for what’s coming.

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: Trucknutz.

Harry_S_Truman February 23, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Damnit, Jim, this blog needs a Wolf Blitzer voice animator.

memzilla February 23, 2012 at 5:56 pm

The terrifying and disgusting thing is that a portion of the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on political ads goes to CNN, and, in turn, pays Wolf's overblown salary.

Jukesgrrl February 23, 2012 at 6:46 pm

So you're saying they have a motive to fan the flames?? Horrors!

donner_froh February 23, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again…

and again, and again, and again, and again, and again…

weej_bain February 23, 2012 at 6:15 pm
yyyaz February 23, 2012 at 8:54 pm

These goober-picking candidates could learn a thing or two from a wise blah man. Well, one thing. Maybe.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 10:23 pm

You know they HATE the O-man with a passion.

Mojopo February 23, 2012 at 8:50 pm

That is a good song by The Bird and The Bee. Now I have it in my head. I'm OK with it.

DemmeFatale February 23, 2012 at 9:40 pm

…and I'll say it in a nerve-shattering monotone.

Boojum_Reborn February 23, 2012 at 5:57 pm

In other news, Santorum is still frothy.

Mumbletypeg February 23, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Just wait for what’s coming.
Should we get ready for anything?
Get ready for a brutal political season.

Sounds like someone's got November sweeps fever already. I think Wolf secretly wants to be a Pre-Oscar ® announcer, basking in sensationalistic pageanty-laden flair like Tyra Banks.

Callyson February 23, 2012 at 6:00 pm

the war of words between President Obama and his campaign supporters versus the eventual Republican nominee and his supporters will be fierce.
If he had added "and not the good kind of fierce," then his remarks would have added value.

meatlofer February 23, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Wolf Blitzer???? That's a Nazi name.

GeorgiaBurning February 23, 2012 at 8:03 pm

You're right. Wasn't that some kind of tank?

arihaya February 23, 2012 at 6:01 pm

gee, I wonder how could we navigate the election without your wisdom, Wolf "Captain Obvious" Blitzer

ManchuCandidate February 23, 2012 at 6:02 pm

"Wofie, why did your parents name you Wolf?"

nounverb911 February 23, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Romulus and Remus were already taken?

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:26 pm

I was gonna say "Asshole McPuddingPants" was already taken, but that seems so trite and foolish now.

DemmeFatale February 23, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I heart you!
Asshole McPudding Pants is genius!

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Thankyewverykindly!

MadBrahms February 23, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Wolf Blitzer: The John Madden of politics.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I wish he was Far From The Madding Crowd of politics.

DoktorThompson February 23, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Get ready for a brutal political season. [draws arrows on screen] POW!

Pithaughn February 23, 2012 at 8:40 pm

"tonight we can expect some one to tackle someone who is running the ball"

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:47 pm

You win.

He's also the Larry King of politics. Gawd was that man a horrible interviewer, like aching-pain-at-the-back-of-your-optical-nerve horrible.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 23, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Dear Wolfie,

How does a semi-literate doofus parlay a stint watching the skies for Iraqi Scud missiles (LOOK! there's another one!) into a lucrative journamalism career?

Asking for a fiend.
~

GunToting[Redacted] February 23, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I thought that was Arthur Kent.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Not Clark?

Spurning Beer February 23, 2012 at 6:06 pm

He should change his name back to Wolfgang Blitzkrieg.

SudsMcKenzie February 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Exactly, I always picture him and John King planning their attack on Poland on the Magic Wall during off hours.

neiltheblaze February 23, 2012 at 6:54 pm

You mean Johann Konig?

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Two Jews bombing Poland, the land of Wolf's parents? And I thought I'd seen it all.

Local_Mojo February 23, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Wolfie is just exactly like my Jewish grandfather! That is, if I were Jewish and had a grandfather.

Come here a minute February 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I wonder if it will all be settled in November. Does Wolf has an answer for that?

flamingpdog February 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm

He'll have to ask Roberts and Scalia first.

Guppy February 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm

We've got unemployment and underemployment, and this guy gets (presumably) six figures for this?

GunToting[Redacted] February 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Reuters says he makes $3M (or did back in 2010). SEVEN figures. Fuck.

Jukesgrrl February 23, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Try seven figures. His salary is approximately $2 million annually. He and John King both signed new contracts in 2008.

KenLayIsAlive February 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm

But think of all the servants he hires!

"You are really dusting the top of the television." He probably says to them, as they dust the top of the television.

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Next up, Wolf will explain how food is tasty but too much can make us fat, and that most humans enjoy having sex with other humans.

MissTaken February 23, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Wolf is this generation's Time For Timer.

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Great, now you're giving me a hanker for a hunk o' cheese.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Let's just be grateful that he's not *demonstrating* that, shall we? Small mercies, and all that?

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Yes, but will he gives us the real story and dig deeper to show us that some humans enjoy having sex with other animals? That is the real story.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Dood … I just got done watching Gene Wilder in the sheep scene of Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, and … dood.

johnnyzhivago February 23, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Wolf is AIPAC's man at CNN…

Barrelhse February 23, 2012 at 6:13 pm

This is precisely why Wolfe Blitzer is a genuine heavyweight in the field of professional journalism.

Redhead February 23, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Why is Blitzer taking Limbaugh's meds?

SayItWithWookies February 24, 2012 at 12:17 am

'Cause Rush's rentboy forgot to hide them in the luggage in the suitcase full of kielbasa?

Ike75 February 23, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Water is wet. Fire is hot. Let me go grab my bipartisan bong.

ProgressiveInga February 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Awww, shuckey-duckey Blitz. You soundin' like you from U-bekki-bekki-bekki-stan-stan. You want a job, don't you? Now STFU.

flamingpdog February 23, 2012 at 6:37 pm

"If you can't pronounce the obvious, then you should blame yo'self!"

Kgprophet February 23, 2012 at 9:42 pm

No Blitz

savethispatient February 23, 2012 at 6:20 pm

This is the main problem with CNN: it's a 24-hour news network, anyone who watches it probably has quite an in-depth knowledge of the political world, yet all they do is aim the news at the lowest possible denominator, giving the least amount of detail possible. I'm sure one day soon the headline news will be "Did you know there are two main parties in the US?". The BBC coverage of US elections is more in depth, and that's aimed at a foreign audience. Gah!

johnnyzhivago February 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Let me guess!??!! AFC and NFC????

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I happily noticed yesterday that the BBC World News now has a whole channel on Comcast in Chicago! No more scrounging around for BBC News on BBC America and PBS! Now if only we could get a Canadian news channel.

DemmeFatale February 23, 2012 at 10:01 pm

They lost me during the "Anna Nicole Smith-a-thon."
Well, OK, I was gone before then, but that was the final nail in the coffin.

(When I think of them back in the day, I could just cry.)

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:54 pm

To be fair, CNN International is excellent, better than BBC's international coverage, IMO.

MoeDeLawn February 24, 2012 at 9:03 am

Meh. Furriners mebbe smart, but I go directly to Wonkette sometime between 9 AM and 5 PM for current events coverage and analization.

'Specially the analization.

HempDogbane February 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Satan is intense and often uses fierce rhetoric.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 23, 2012 at 6:24 pm

But how does any of this explain the pictures I get when I google "Wolf" and "Santorum?"

EatsBabyDingos February 23, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I have gotten more information off of one can of Pringles than I have in 20 years of Wolf.

gullywompr February 23, 2012 at 6:28 pm

The more you know.

BlueStateLibel February 23, 2012 at 6:29 pm

What did Wolf have to promise Satan to get his big CNN anchor job? (I've seen this movie somewhere before… it doesn't end well for Mickey Rourke if I recall correctly.)

Nostrildamus February 23, 2012 at 6:30 pm

This is why he gets paid the big bucks.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I predict that the 2012 election will see pundits engaging in hitherto-unprecedented levels of sophomoric cliche.

gullywompr February 23, 2012 at 6:42 pm

There will be laser-like focus on who has a big-enough war chest to rally the party faithful and solidify the base, and who will be fighting for their political lives in a high-stakes game to win the White House.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 23, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Did I say sophomoric? I think I meant soporific.

MissTaken February 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Obviously we need to liveblog The Situation Room. But only on a full moon when Wolf's inner wolf really shines.

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Otherwise I fear our intrepid liveblogger might die of boredom.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:30 pm

I think Wolf's inner wolf will only shine if we apply our polishing tools to it with great force and vigor.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Oh, but CNN is really fun on election nights, with the two large parties sitting at separate tables waiting for their drink orders! They should call it "Anderson Cooper's Diner Dash."

paris biltong February 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Have a little sympathy. If I had to pay as much attention as he does to all of this bullshit campaign, I'd probably become raving mad too.

Barrelhse February 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Ignorance is Blitz.

OneYieldRegular February 23, 2012 at 6:47 pm

"The rhetoric against President Obama was intense."

Finally – the courage to notice what no journalist has noticed before.

Loaded_Pants February 23, 2012 at 7:02 pm

That's in-depth analysis right there.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 9:41 pm

And why would any respectable journalist devote resources and airtime to sleuthing up the truth on whether Obama eats white babies while praying toward Mecca? That's unethical — you'd be making yourself part of the story!!

RadioSBJ February 23, 2012 at 6:49 pm

It's like watching the Richard Cohen Show.

Jukesgrrl February 23, 2012 at 7:03 pm

OT: Rev. Al just showed a video of Lou Dobbs (didn't we get rid of him?) shrieking that the Lorax movie is pro-environment indoctrination.

HistoriCat February 23, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Doesn't Dobbs have some Mexicans to yell at?

KenLayIsAlive February 23, 2012 at 10:41 pm

As one pounds his ass furiously as the tandem mows the grass at Lou's mansion on a riding lawn mower – assuming we've learned anything from Wonkette about the secret lives of America's haters.

Picture THAT America!

yyyaz February 23, 2012 at 9:07 pm

How Marxist/Commie/Islamofascist/Fembot/Lie-bral can you get?!!??? Is Lou against teaching our precious children that humanity is a life-form completely dependent on the health of our lone, puny planet? Or is it just his inability to follow the plot that has his dander in a fluff? Sheesh, Lou, read a real book once in a while.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:33 pm

How DARE you imply that Lou can read?

chascates February 23, 2012 at 11:48 pm

I remember seeing him rant some years back about the elitist ivy league schools. His alma mater is Harvard.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 24, 2012 at 12:10 am

And of course, this being a Hollywood adaptation, the environmental emphasis of the original book has been largely whittled down to nothing. Instead of a bleak fable of greed and environmental devastation, it's now a boy's epic quest for the Last Tree–so he can win a cute girls heart. And the Lorax, instead of being a tragic, unheeded Cassandra, is a wisecracking but harmless eccentric voiced by Danny DeVito. Pretty good rant here.

To a certain degree, it's actually rather satisfying that Universal Studios is pleasing nobody–the left is pissed that they've watered down the story's environmentalism, and the right is pissed that the movie isn't a full-on celebration of the job-creating glories of the Tar Sands.

Antispandex February 23, 2012 at 7:07 pm

"By the way, the president and his supporters will not be shy in fighting back."

I guess there could be a first time for anything. Not very much like the political left (or what passes for an "opposition party") in ths country to do so. But hey…we can HOPE…right?

yyyaz February 23, 2012 at 9:10 pm

You now owe me a new pair of eyeglasses to replace the pair I just twisted into a Miro mobile with a double-palm face plant. Thanks a lot, guy.

KenLayIsAlive February 23, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Hope, that's so 2008.

PuglyDoRight February 23, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Well, I'm glad he cleared THAT up!

BlueStateLibel February 23, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Only time will tell…

FakaktaSouth February 23, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Damn it JNew, now I have to hate Beardy McWeirdy instead of just ignore him? I hate that he is calling lying fierce. I am fine with him saying they said stuff, untrue stuff that sounds stupid in the face of reality. I mean, yeah – that Obama sure does love Al Qaeda, he bows right before he gives the signal to blow out their brains through their eye sockets. Even a Rick Santorum supporter is reminded of what BO did when AlQ is mentioned – he killed the head Muslim in Charge and to say that it is fierce to now call him weak makes you also sound stupider than someone who still wants to vote for Newt "Infanticide" Gingrich, Wolf Blitzer.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 9:29 pm

If there's a Slam team in Alabama, you should totally get on it, because you've got some poetry going on.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:38 pm

(applauds)

Can I steal Beardy McWeirdy?

FakaktaSouth February 23, 2012 at 9:44 pm

But of course!

Designer_Rants February 23, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Yeah, "Beardy McWeirdy" was a special, special touch. Very nice.

MissTaken February 23, 2012 at 7:24 pm
Loaded_Pants February 23, 2012 at 7:30 pm

I've always thought what kept Xena on the air was all the lesbians who watched that show. It was like the Cagney & Lacey of the 1990s.
But Xena? Campy as hell. They even had a frickin' "musical episode".

Gunner Asch February 23, 2012 at 10:46 pm

"We're going to be Thespians!"

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 7:40 pm

All right! That was one of my favorite shows of the 90s and she's still awesome.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 23, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I'm really glad they unboxed her, then.

savethispatient February 23, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Over on Fox: "Shell attacked by Lawless protest"

Dashboard Buddha February 23, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Somewhere in an honest dimension…

Wolf? Why does the GOP want to lower taxes for the wealthy

-They're douchebags

Wolf? Why does the GOP hate the poor?

They're douchebags

Wolf? What about the browns?

Douchebag again.

What about the…

-Douchebag

Blueb4sunrise February 23, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Great new ad up there….

The Top 15 Things To Do Before Meeting with a Bankruptcy Lawyer in your area.

Dern it, what we really need is the ad I just saw at B-Juice.

THE 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN
THE 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN
THE 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN
THE 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN
THE 4 DANGERS DESTROYING MEN

Designer_Rants February 23, 2012 at 7:29 pm

The blinders have been lifted from thine eyes, good sir!

mavenmaven February 23, 2012 at 7:34 pm

oh, what will they come up with for 2012? Dirt on Obama's connection with Rev Wright, birth certificate, William Ayers?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 23, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Maybe his vote to legalize infanticide?

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:40 pm

That's probly their best bet. Funny thing is, it isn't bringing them wimminfolkz back to the party in droves. Can't figure out why that should be. Stupid cunts must be hating us for our freedoms, or something.

RadioSBJ February 23, 2012 at 10:27 pm

TELEPROMPTERZ!!1!

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 7:52 pm

There are only a couple of "opinions" that vanilla, "professional TV journalists" are allowed to pretend to express:

1) Nasty rhetoric and negative campaigning are bad and turn off voters. (This is especially true when Democrats defend either themselves or Truth/Reality. But you can't say that!!)

2) Congress takes too long to get anything done. Why can't Congress get anything done?! (This is especially true when one side of the aisle in particular deserves 95% of the blame. But you can't say that!!)

There you have it. That is the collective wisdom of Wolf Blitzer, Brian Williams, David Gregory, Chuck Todd, et al. Don't you feel informed?

Mojopo February 23, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Somewhere along the way "fair and balanced" become more important than the truth. We have a misinformed electorate to boot, but it's kind of their own fault because they end up Jaywalking on Leno every other day, and agreeing that the square root of purple is sausage gravy. (I don't watch him, but I know what he stole from Howard Stern, Anyway –)

Mojopo February 23, 2012 at 9:18 pm

P.S.: I want to agree that I am kind of blaming the victims here, too. Which isn't cool.

yyyaz February 23, 2012 at 9:16 pm

… And if you do, how did you get here to the Wonket?

ShaveTheWhales February 23, 2012 at 9:54 pm

You forgot "The Federal deficit is vewy, vewy impawtent".

Chet Kincaid February 24, 2012 at 8:54 am

Yes, I haven't seen him work this particular Wurlitzer, but I understand that's Gregory's favorite organ, right?

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 11:14 pm

You got the template exactly right. This is how birth control – and issue decided decades ago, and an issue where 90%+ of Americans are in agreement – has become a "controversy". This is how invading a woman's body for an medically unnecessary procedure is seen as a legitimate piece of legislation that can be compromised on.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 24, 2012 at 12:15 am

School Spirit: How Can We Increase It?

DaRooster February 23, 2012 at 8:00 pm

"…his supporters will not be shy…"

Sign me up Mother Fuckers!!

(what, too subdued?)

Poindexter718 February 23, 2012 at 8:03 pm

I suspect Wolf's leaning on John King & Candy Crowley for some of those insights and analysis.

ElPinche February 23, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again, Wolf Blitzer is a tool.

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:42 pm

ElPinche, man, you forgot the 'S.'

RadioSBJ February 23, 2012 at 10:28 pm

As in box of hammers.

chascates February 23, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Wolf, my question is how can someone be around politicians, pundits, pollsters, and lobbyists all the time and not consider himself a slimey pimp for even considering their ideas worth listening to let alone giving them airtime to bloviate?
Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if there is something more to life than permitting an obvious liar to mislead millions in an effort to make their lives more miserable? Or even start a war where thousands of our young people will die or suffer horrible injuries?
Or do you get a thrill when some aging asshole claps you on the back at a cocktail party or expensive restaurant and considers you 'one of them'?

Because the last person in the Washington media I think I could trust was I.F. Stone and you sure as hell ain't no I.F. Stone! Fucker!!!!

paris biltong February 24, 2012 at 3:59 am

And even Izzy. He was pissed at Phil Ochs for making fun of Liberals.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 23, 2012 at 8:19 pm

I remember this!
Then there's a knock at the door and he gets a letter from Mister McFeely, and then Lady Elaine Fairchilde talks to some cat that says something like "meow-meow-beardy-meow"

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Obviously, you have access to a *much* better class of drugs than I.

finallyhappy February 23, 2012 at 9:44 pm

King Friday!

owhatever February 23, 2012 at 8:29 pm

What if he was named Trevor Blitzer? Would anybody watch? Having a candidate for president look at the drool falling from the sharp fangs and say, "Well, Wolf," is like bowing to the alpha male. Only his brother Satan Blitzer is stronger.

ugodOH February 23, 2012 at 8:44 pm

This election is going to come down to whichever candidate can get the most votes in the Electoral College. There, now can I get paid massive amounts of money to be on TV in a suit?

littlebigdaddy February 23, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Blitzen! (Refers to his lightning-fast mind).

HistoriCat February 23, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I'm Wolf Blizter! Remember me? I was relevant! Baghdad! Desert Storm! Me – Wolf Blitzer!

Mojopo February 23, 2012 at 8:56 pm

It feels like that's been true since about 2000. From there, foreign coverage of our political news got even better.

IceCreamEmpress February 23, 2012 at 9:05 pm

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Wolf Blitzer is a cretinous numbskull, and if brains were dynamite he couldn't blow Rick Santorum.

Exhausted66 February 23, 2012 at 9:07 pm

These candidates are so rich… and so white.

chascates February 23, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Jesus' General has a timely resolution of which I'll share a bit: http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/2012/02/resolution

WHEREAS: the traditional American family, composed of a righteously authoritarian husband, and a subservient wife and children, thrived for nearly 6000 years after Adam first corrected Eve with a strap fashioned from stegosaurus hide.

WHEREAS: every day, trillions of spermatazoan-Americans die from head injuries caused by violent collisions with latex.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED: that the Republican National Committee recognize that the part of sex when the wife vomits inhibits a traditional husband's willingness to achieve the procreative moment and that the RNC therefore demand that insurance companies provide anti-nausea drug coverage for procreative purposes.

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 11:18 pm

ROTFLMAO!

thrived for nearly 6000 years after Adam first corrected Eve with a strap fashioned from stegosaurus hide.

Genius.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 9:22 pm

I also like that phony thing all the talking heads are trained to do, where they drop their chin emphatically at the end of a sentence, or switch the angle of their head from one side to the other without actually conveying any meaning. It's meant to demonstrate their authority and conviction without actually being the vertical "yes" or horizontal "no" that would pin them down to saying something true and vouching for it.

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Brian Williams is the king of this. I've seen the guy on the late-night shows, and whenever someone tried to get a real opinion out of him, even in the most subtle of ways, he'd instinctively do this. They are liked train seals, but not the navy kind.

HobbesEvilTwin February 23, 2012 at 9:33 pm

[in Herman Cain's voice]: No, Blitz.

WiscDad February 23, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I've said it before and I'll say it again…Wolfe Blitzer's a hack with a made up name that makes him appear to be Scandinavian…or Norse…or some shit

Designer_Rants February 23, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I was surfing Man-on-Dog porn again (there's an audience!) and came across this gif. I think with a little Wonkette Blingee-action, it could be a real… thing?

KenLayIsAlive February 23, 2012 at 10:46 pm

hahahaa.

Even if I WAS hoping for some man on dog pron.

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Wolf is history's most boring monster.

I've seen middle school current events essays more biting and courageous than this.

KenLayIsAlive February 23, 2012 at 10:47 pm

That's why we have to assume he gathers his source materials only from 4th graders and below.

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Hasn't the city of Buffalo suffered enough but to then have this vacant native son thrust upon their sullied image? Woe to Buffalo if he yet sits straddled atop cable newsdom.

KenLayIsAlive February 23, 2012 at 10:50 pm

OT – but can anyone believe those brietbart douchebags STILL visit our profiles daily. lol, my fucking gaaaaawd.

barto February 23, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Isn't Wolf amazing? He makes me feel sooo smart!!!

Manhattan123 February 23, 2012 at 11:17 pm

I wonder if he types in that weird droning monotone he speaks in? Seriously, has no executive at CNN ever said, "You know, Wolf is on our air for many many hours each week, maybe we should spend a few thousand bucks and get him some rudimentary public speaking training."

ttommyunger February 23, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Hey Wolf, I've got a political question: "What is old, short, has a beard and smells like dirty socks wrapped in burnt bacon?"

littlebigdaddy February 24, 2012 at 12:31 am

Anyone working at CNN or WAPO.

ttommyunger February 24, 2012 at 7:24 am

Close enough!

mrblifil February 24, 2012 at 12:18 am

Oh for the sensible times when mandatory vaginal proves for everyone was the order of the day.

Hey I hear Syria has room for one more journalist. (Too soon?)

ShaveTheWhales February 24, 2012 at 1:24 am

This is not the motherfuckin Wolf.

prommie February 24, 2012 at 9:52 am

Reminds me of Larry King's old syndicated column. Now that I think of it, Larry's column invented "Tweeting." He never attempted to develop any single idea or observation, it was a series of one sentence observations. Things like "For my money, Betty Grable had the best gams of any broad to come down the pike. Yowza!."

squirmisher February 24, 2012 at 7:39 pm

My standard of brutal is Mittens calling Obama a Hatchet-faced Nutmeg Dealer.

FROTHY February 24, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I'm just waiting for the Republican would-be-nominees to start screaming "HOORS! FILTHY HOORS!" at one of their "debates."

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