Also tooAre you confused about how last night’s Republican debate “will play” with the voters of Arizona and Michigan? Or what about politics in general: Are you confused about what politics is? Your Wonkette had no idea about any of these things — all these years we’ve just been liveblogging SportsCenter for each post — until we read the latest installment on BLITZER’S BLOG, in which Wolf Blitzer types nonsense about politics in the exact same hilarious voice he uses to deliver non-news and military propaganda on his daily CNN program. What does he have to say about politics today?

He warms things up with a trifecta of hackneyed sedatives, to capture the reader’s attention:

If you think it’s been a rough ride for the Republican candidates during this current campaign season, just wait. This will be seen as child’s play once the general election campaign begins.

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again…

Now we’ll jump straight into the Beltway insider analysis: Democrats and Republicans will verbally attack each other during the 2012 Presidential Election. It will be something.

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: the war of words between President Obama and his campaign supporters versus the eventual Republican nominee and his supporters will be fierce.

Wolf, a careful journalist, arrived at this conclusion last night. He noticed an interesting thing, on television. Republican presidential candidates were saying bad things about the current Democratic president.

I was thinking about that during last night’s Arizona Republican debate on CNN. The rhetoric against President Obama was intense.

And that mean rhetoric from last night? There will be more mean rhetoric from the Republicans between now and November, during the presidential election. The Democrats will also use mean rhetoric, but against the Republicans. The Republicans and the Democrats will also have money, and money can be exchanged for goods and services, such as advertisements featuring mean rhetoric.

And that’s just for starters. Just wait for what’s coming.

By the way, the president and his supporters will not be shy in fighting back.

And like the Republicans, they will have hundreds of millions of dollars to finance attack ads.

Should we get ready for anything?

Get ready for a brutal political season.



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  • nounverb911

    Wolf Blitzer Blog Post Answers Every Question You Had About Politics
    Why did Reagan raise taxes 12 times?

    • Huevos Ocupados

      To flatten it out and make it more fair?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Because he was intense?

    • gullywompr

      Because the 99% still had some money left.

    • paris biltong

      Because he had become too senile to do it a 13th time.

    • neiltheblaze

      Because he forgot about the first eleven times?

    • Negropolis

      To get to the other side.

      Wait, wha?

    • Omophagist

      He sure as fuck doesn't know. Remember, Wolf Blitzer lost to Andy Richter on Celebrity Jeopardy by $65K and the only reason it was greater was b/c they allowed Blitzer to play in Final Jeopardy even though he had a negative total.

    • themcwow


  • Barb

    I'm still rooting for Sarah Palin to shoot Wolf from a helicopter.

    • Can you email her and tell her that she stands a good chance of being elected if she does that?

      • nounverb911

        Don't bother, she'll just quit halfway through again.

        • Dood, you sure know how to rain on a person's parade.

        • flamingpdog

          Maybe we'll get lucky and her helicopter will quit halfway through.

          • Be still my beating heart.

    • Nostrildamus

      Bang !

      Is he dead?

      We'll have to leave it there…

    • Not_So_Much

      Seems like an ultimate win-win if she gets arrested for it. Also.

  • slithytoves

    The Republicans and the Democrats will also have money, and money can be exchanged for goods and services, such as advertisements featuring mean rhetoric.

    This is exactly why, many times in the day, I agree with Marx.

    • And something tells me both parties will still stiff local businesses like sign makers and donut shops.

    • paris biltong

      And, as Marx would have it, money gets ultimately exchanged for more money.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Wolf Blitzer being a dumb ass for 200 Alex:

    • Normally, he does it for free.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I was hoping someone would post this.

      • SudsMcKenzie

        I remember the day some un-employed slacker sent that "tip" to Jim like it was a long time ago.

    • okay that nearly earned me a walnut out of my nose. THANK YOU.

      Wat a fucking idiot, also. Fettuccine?!?!

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      oh sure, those were all 'gotcha' questions (and the answer is, 'all of 'em"!)

  • Indiepalin

    Knowledge is good.

    • Negropolis

      Not for the human races' first couple, it wasn't. If only they'd been content with eating from the Tree of Stupid…er…Tree of Life. But, no, they just had to want to know shit and go eat from the Tree of Knowledge, the elitist bastards.

  • Get ready for a brutal political season

    Will do. And also, too Ginger Jim, will you be bringing the 60 lb Costco bag of Cheetos or is that on Ken's list?

    • I would prefer corn chips, por favor. In honor of the growth of the growth of the Latino voting bloc. Cheetos are for WASPs in their knotty pine rec rooms.

      • Good point, and with the recent GOP outings, so-to-speak, their knotty pine rec rooms have been ever so naughty.

  • edgydrifter

    Shorter Wolf: Some of these Republicans would like to be the next President. The current President will oppose their efforts to unseat him. I await my call from the Pulitzer committee.

    • SmutBoffin

      I have a strong suspicion that the candidate who acquires the majority of the electoral votes in this election will become the next president!

      • That was just a lucky guess.

      • flamingpdog

        Don't count your chickens until the SCOTUS egg hatches.

        • You keep your fingers *off* my chickens, dood.

    • OneYieldRegular

      They gave one to Kathleen Parker, so your chances seem pretty good.

      • Negropolis


    • Sorry, Wolf, the Pulitzer Committee watches Jeopardy.

  • neiltheblaze

    Wolf Blitzer: The most trusted name in belaboring the obvious since 1990.

    • Pithaughn

      little known fact made up by someone, he changed his name from Shark Divebomber.

  • MissTaken

    CNN = Politics.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I just hope Americans have been so cowed that no brave soul lifts his head up to alert the nation about the president being born in a foreign country, palling around with terrorists, indoctrinated into a Muslim sect, listening to an anti-American preacher, employing 256 known communists, hiring more czars than the Russian empire had, or being the brains behind the Sacco-Vanzetti operation. That could blow everything we've worked so hard to accomplish.

    • Especially that bit about Sacco-Vanzetti. Chances are the current crop of dim bulbs couldn't tell the difference between those two anachists and that thug Berlusconi.

      • paris biltong

        They bought out Chrysler, didn't they?

        • No, no, that was Berlusconi! (waves arms excitably)

      • finallyhappy

        I love their restaurant chain-they make their own mozzerella

        • See, not everybody knows that. It was the bocconcini that was a proper mozzarella di bufala. The regular-size guys were all like fior di latte.

      • Negropolis

        Mmmmm…never-ending breadsticks with garlic butter dipping sauce….mmmmm…..

    • PhilippePetain

      Oh yeah, that czar thing was something, wasn't it?

      • So was the CAR thing. They just can't get beyond their poutrage.

  • MissTaken

    Dammit, Wolf didn't answer the one question I had about politics: Will there be holograms?

    • flamingpdog

      Anti-grav armored limos? Contraceptive jet backpacks?

    • gullywompr

      Not of the Republicans. You have to have something three dimensional to start with.

    • Mojopo

      Golly gee, we might end up on the Ridiculist. WAH WAH…

    • There will be *sono*grams.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Republicans? Still mean. The rhetoric? Still harsh. The election? Ongoing. Move along; nothing to see here but a sad old man trying to be relevant.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Let's get rrrrrrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrrrumble…


  • Huevos Ocupados

    What a waste. If my parents had named me Wolf Blitzer I would be INVINCIBLE!

    • memzilla

      I feel sorry for Wolf's brothers, Lupus and Weasel Blitzer.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        His sister, Ferret, agrees.

        • Barrelhse

          She's a Fox!
          Oh..wait- she's really a Dog.

          • paris biltong

            She married Dave Krieg and is now Mrs. Blitzer Krieg

      • flamingpdog

        And his drunken uncle, Weiss Blitz Blitzer.

        • Barrelhse

          and the artillery officer, Howe Blitzer.

      • neiltheblaze

        He's related to one of Santa's reindeer on his dad's side.

      • HogeyeGrex

        It's never Lupus.

        • Gunner Asch

          But be sure to check for MS even though it's never that either. We got an hour show to fill, folks!

    • If you can't be invincible, settle for inane. I guess that's how he worked it out inside his empty little head.

  • What? There's an election coming up?

  • Indiepalin

    Wolf is short for Wolverine

    • flamingpdog

      Wolf is short for Wolfram & Hart.

    • Don't blame the Wolverines. He went to SUNY Buffalo.

      • Indiepalin

        As did I.

    • SorosBot

      Good old Logan is much cooler and smarter than Wolf could ever hope to be.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Sadly, this is actually better "journalism" than 90% of the drivel shoveled into the waiting maw of the American electorate.

    It may be trivial, stupid and bog-obvious, but at least it's not diametrically opposed to observable reality.

    • I hate so much that you are correct about this.

    • Pithaughn

      diametrically opposed to observable reality. DOOR for short. Surely you know that the really super important stuff is not observable. You just feel it in your gut.

    • SHARKEY REPORT: I am making a comment on Wonkete right now.

      And that’s just for starters. Just wait for what’s coming.

      I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: Trucknutz.

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Damnit, Jim, this blog needs a Wolf Blitzer voice animator.

  • memzilla

    The terrifying and disgusting thing is that a portion of the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on political ads goes to CNN, and, in turn, pays Wolf's overblown salary.

    • So you're saying they have a motive to fan the flames?? Horrors!

  • I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again…

    and again, and again, and again, and again, and again…

      • yyyaz

        These goober-picking candidates could learn a thing or two from a wise blah man. Well, one thing. Maybe.

        • You know they HATE the O-man with a passion.

    • Mojopo

      That is a good song by The Bird and The Bee. Now I have it in my head. I'm OK with it.

    • …and I'll say it in a nerve-shattering monotone.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    In other news, Santorum is still frothy.

  • Just wait for what’s coming.
    Should we get ready for anything?
    Get ready for a brutal political season.

    Sounds like someone's got November sweeps fever already. I think Wolf secretly wants to be a Pre-Oscar ® announcer, basking in sensationalistic pageanty-laden flair like Tyra Banks.

  • Callyson

    the war of words between President Obama and his campaign supporters versus the eventual Republican nominee and his supporters will be fierce.
    If he had added "and not the good kind of fierce," then his remarks would have added value.

  • meatlofer

    Wolf Blitzer???? That's a Nazi name.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      You're right. Wasn't that some kind of tank?

  • arihaya

    gee, I wonder how could we navigate the election without your wisdom, Wolf "Captain Obvious" Blitzer

  • "Wofie, why did your parents name you Wolf?"

    • nounverb911

      Romulus and Remus were already taken?

      • I was gonna say "Asshole McPuddingPants" was already taken, but that seems so trite and foolish now.

        • I heart you!
          Asshole McPudding Pants is genius!

  • MadBrahms

    Wolf Blitzer: The John Madden of politics.

    • I wish he was Far From The Madding Crowd of politics.

    • DoktorThompson

      Get ready for a brutal political season. [draws arrows on screen] POW!

      • Pithaughn

        "tonight we can expect some one to tackle someone who is running the ball"

    • Negropolis

      You win.

      He's also the Larry King of politics. Gawd was that man a horrible interviewer, like aching-pain-at-the-back-of-your-optical-nerve horrible.

  • Dear Wolfie,

    How does a semi-literate doofus parlay a stint watching the skies for Iraqi Scud missiles (LOOK! there's another one!) into a lucrative journamalism career?

    Asking for a fiend.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I thought that was Arthur Kent.

  • He should change his name back to Wolfgang Blitzkrieg.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Exactly, I always picture him and John King planning their attack on Poland on the Magic Wall during off hours.

      • neiltheblaze

        You mean Johann Konig?

      • Negropolis

        Two Jews bombing Poland, the land of Wolf's parents? And I thought I'd seen it all.

  • Local_Mojo

    Wolfie is just exactly like my Jewish grandfather! That is, if I were Jewish and had a grandfather.

  • Come here a minute

    I wonder if it will all be settled in November. Does Wolf has an answer for that?

    • flamingpdog

      He'll have to ask Roberts and Scalia first.

  • Guppy

    We've got unemployment and underemployment, and this guy gets (presumably) six figures for this?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Reuters says he makes $3M (or did back in 2010). SEVEN figures. Fuck.

    • Try seven figures. His salary is approximately $2 million annually. He and John King both signed new contracts in 2008.

    • But think of all the servants he hires!

      "You are really dusting the top of the television." He probably says to them, as they dust the top of the television.

  • SorosBot

    Next up, Wolf will explain how food is tasty but too much can make us fat, and that most humans enjoy having sex with other humans.

    • MissTaken

      Wolf is this generation's Time For Timer.

      • SorosBot

        Great, now you're giving me a hanker for a hunk o' cheese.

    • Let's just be grateful that he's not *demonstrating* that, shall we? Small mercies, and all that?

    • Negropolis

      Yes, but will he gives us the real story and dig deeper to show us that some humans enjoy having sex with other animals? That is the real story.

      • Dood … I just got done watching Gene Wilder in the sheep scene of Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, and … dood.

  • Wolf is AIPAC's man at CNN…

  • Barrelhse

    This is precisely why Wolfe Blitzer is a genuine heavyweight in the field of professional journalism.

  • Redhead

    Why is Blitzer taking Limbaugh's meds?

    • SayItWithWookies

      'Cause Rush's rentboy forgot to hide them in the luggage in the suitcase full of kielbasa?

  • Ike75

    Water is wet. Fire is hot. Let me go grab my bipartisan bong.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Awww, shuckey-duckey Blitz. You soundin' like you from U-bekki-bekki-bekki-stan-stan. You want a job, don't you? Now STFU.

    • flamingpdog

      "If you can't pronounce the obvious, then you should blame yo'self!"

      • Kgprophet

        No Blitz

  • savethispatient

    This is the main problem with CNN: it's a 24-hour news network, anyone who watches it probably has quite an in-depth knowledge of the political world, yet all they do is aim the news at the lowest possible denominator, giving the least amount of detail possible. I'm sure one day soon the headline news will be "Did you know there are two main parties in the US?". The BBC coverage of US elections is more in depth, and that's aimed at a foreign audience. Gah!

    • Let me guess!??!! AFC and NFC????

    • I happily noticed yesterday that the BBC World News now has a whole channel on Comcast in Chicago! No more scrounging around for BBC News on BBC America and PBS! Now if only we could get a Canadian news channel.

    • They lost me during the "Anna Nicole Smith-a-thon."
      Well, OK, I was gone before then, but that was the final nail in the coffin.

      (When I think of them back in the day, I could just cry.)

    • Negropolis

      To be fair, CNN International is excellent, better than BBC's international coverage, IMO.

      • MoeDeLawn

        Meh. Furriners mebbe smart, but I go directly to Wonkette sometime between 9 AM and 5 PM for current events coverage and analization.

        'Specially the analization.

  • HempDogbane

    I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Satan is intense and often uses fierce rhetoric.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But how does any of this explain the pictures I get when I google "Wolf" and "Santorum?"

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I have gotten more information off of one can of Pringles than I have in 20 years of Wolf.

  • gullywompr

    The more you know.

  • BlueStateLibel

    What did Wolf have to promise Satan to get his big CNN anchor job? (I've seen this movie somewhere before… it doesn't end well for Mickey Rourke if I recall correctly.)

  • Nostrildamus

    This is why he gets paid the big bucks.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    I predict that the 2012 election will see pundits engaging in hitherto-unprecedented levels of sophomoric cliche.

    • gullywompr

      There will be laser-like focus on who has a big-enough war chest to rally the party faithful and solidify the base, and who will be fighting for their political lives in a high-stakes game to win the White House.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Did I say sophomoric? I think I meant soporific.

  • MissTaken

    Obviously we need to liveblog The Situation Room. But only on a full moon when Wolf's inner wolf really shines.

    • SorosBot

      Otherwise I fear our intrepid liveblogger might die of boredom.

    • I think Wolf's inner wolf will only shine if we apply our polishing tools to it with great force and vigor.

    • Oh, but CNN is really fun on election nights, with the two large parties sitting at separate tables waiting for their drink orders! They should call it "Anderson Cooper's Diner Dash."

  • paris biltong

    Have a little sympathy. If I had to pay as much attention as he does to all of this bullshit campaign, I'd probably become raving mad too.

  • Barrelhse

    Ignorance is Blitz.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "The rhetoric against President Obama was intense."

    Finally – the courage to notice what no journalist has noticed before.

    • Loaded_Pants

      That's in-depth analysis right there.

    • And why would any respectable journalist devote resources and airtime to sleuthing up the truth on whether Obama eats white babies while praying toward Mecca? That's unethical — you'd be making yourself part of the story!!

  • RadioSBJ

    It's like watching the Richard Cohen Show.

  • OT: Rev. Al just showed a video of Lou Dobbs (didn't we get rid of him?) shrieking that the Lorax movie is pro-environment indoctrination.

    • HistoriCat

      Doesn't Dobbs have some Mexicans to yell at?

      • As one pounds his ass furiously as the tandem mows the grass at Lou's mansion on a riding lawn mower – assuming we've learned anything from Wonkette about the secret lives of America's haters.

        Picture THAT America!

    • yyyaz

      How Marxist/Commie/Islamofascist/Fembot/Lie-bral can you get?!!??? Is Lou against teaching our precious children that humanity is a life-form completely dependent on the health of our lone, puny planet? Or is it just his inability to follow the plot that has his dander in a fluff? Sheesh, Lou, read a real book once in a while.

      • How DARE you imply that Lou can read?

    • chascates

      I remember seeing him rant some years back about the elitist ivy league schools. His alma mater is Harvard.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      And of course, this being a Hollywood adaptation, the environmental emphasis of the original book has been largely whittled down to nothing. Instead of a bleak fable of greed and environmental devastation, it's now a boy's epic quest for the Last Tree–so he can win a cute girls heart. And the Lorax, instead of being a tragic, unheeded Cassandra, is a wisecracking but harmless eccentric voiced by Danny DeVito. Pretty good rant here.

      To a certain degree, it's actually rather satisfying that Universal Studios is pleasing nobody–the left is pissed that they've watered down the story's environmentalism, and the right is pissed that the movie isn't a full-on celebration of the job-creating glories of the Tar Sands.

  • Antispandex

    "By the way, the president and his supporters will not be shy in fighting back."

    I guess there could be a first time for anything. Not very much like the political left (or what passes for an "opposition party") in ths country to do so. But hey…we can HOPE…right?

    • yyyaz

      You now owe me a new pair of eyeglasses to replace the pair I just twisted into a Miro mobile with a double-palm face plant. Thanks a lot, guy.

    • Hope, that's so 2008.

  • PuglyDoRight

    Well, I'm glad he cleared THAT up!

  • BlueStateLibel

    Only time will tell…

  • FakaktaSouth

    Damn it JNew, now I have to hate Beardy McWeirdy instead of just ignore him? I hate that he is calling lying fierce. I am fine with him saying they said stuff, untrue stuff that sounds stupid in the face of reality. I mean, yeah – that Obama sure does love Al Qaeda, he bows right before he gives the signal to blow out their brains through their eye sockets. Even a Rick Santorum supporter is reminded of what BO did when AlQ is mentioned – he killed the head Muslim in Charge and to say that it is fierce to now call him weak makes you also sound stupider than someone who still wants to vote for Newt "Infanticide" Gingrich, Wolf Blitzer.

    • If there's a Slam team in Alabama, you should totally get on it, because you've got some poetry going on.

    • (applauds)

      Can I steal Beardy McWeirdy?

      • FakaktaSouth

        But of course!

    • Yeah, "Beardy McWeirdy" was a special, special touch. Very nice.

  • MissTaken
    • Loaded_Pants

      I've always thought what kept Xena on the air was all the lesbians who watched that show. It was like the Cagney & Lacey of the 1990s.
      But Xena? Campy as hell. They even had a frickin' "musical episode".

      • Gunner Asch

        "We're going to be Thespians!"

    • SorosBot

      All right! That was one of my favorite shows of the 90s and she's still awesome.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      I'm really glad they unboxed her, then.

    • savethispatient

      Over on Fox: "Shell attacked by Lawless protest"

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Somewhere in an honest dimension…

    Wolf? Why does the GOP want to lower taxes for the wealthy

    -They're douchebags

    Wolf? Why does the GOP hate the poor?

    They're douchebags

    Wolf? What about the browns?

    Douchebag again.

    What about the…


  • Blueb4sunrise

    Great new ad up there….

    The Top 15 Things To Do Before Meeting with a Bankruptcy Lawyer in your area.

    Dern it, what we really need is the ad I just saw at B-Juice.


  • The blinders have been lifted from thine eyes, good sir!

  • mavenmaven

    oh, what will they come up with for 2012? Dirt on Obama's connection with Rev Wright, birth certificate, William Ayers?

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Maybe his vote to legalize infanticide?

      • That's probly their best bet. Funny thing is, it isn't bringing them wimminfolkz back to the party in droves. Can't figure out why that should be. Stupid cunts must be hating us for our freedoms, or something.

    • RadioSBJ


  • There are only a couple of "opinions" that vanilla, "professional TV journalists" are allowed to pretend to express:

    1) Nasty rhetoric and negative campaigning are bad and turn off voters. (This is especially true when Democrats defend either themselves or Truth/Reality. But you can't say that!!)

    2) Congress takes too long to get anything done. Why can't Congress get anything done?! (This is especially true when one side of the aisle in particular deserves 95% of the blame. But you can't say that!!)

    There you have it. That is the collective wisdom of Wolf Blitzer, Brian Williams, David Gregory, Chuck Todd, et al. Don't you feel informed?

    • Mojopo

      Somewhere along the way "fair and balanced" become more important than the truth. We have a misinformed electorate to boot, but it's kind of their own fault because they end up Jaywalking on Leno every other day, and agreeing that the square root of purple is sausage gravy. (I don't watch him, but I know what he stole from Howard Stern, Anyway –)

      • Mojopo

        P.S.: I want to agree that I am kind of blaming the victims here, too. Which isn't cool.

    • yyyaz

      … And if you do, how did you get here to the Wonket?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      You forgot "The Federal deficit is vewy, vewy impawtent".

      • Yes, I haven't seen him work this particular Wurlitzer, but I understand that's Gregory's favorite organ, right?

    • Negropolis

      You got the template exactly right. This is how birth control – and issue decided decades ago, and an issue where 90%+ of Americans are in agreement – has become a "controversy". This is how invading a woman's body for an medically unnecessary procedure is seen as a legitimate piece of legislation that can be compromised on.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      School Spirit: How Can We Increase It?

  • DaRooster

    "…his supporters will not be shy…"

    Sign me up Mother Fuckers!!

    (what, too subdued?)

  • Poindexter718

    I suspect Wolf's leaning on John King & Candy Crowley for some of those insights and analysis.

  • ElPinche

    I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again, Wolf Blitzer is a tool.

    • ElPinche, man, you forgot the 'S.'

    • RadioSBJ

      As in box of hammers.

  • chascates

    Wolf, my question is how can someone be around politicians, pundits, pollsters, and lobbyists all the time and not consider himself a slimey pimp for even considering their ideas worth listening to let alone giving them airtime to bloviate?
    Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if there is something more to life than permitting an obvious liar to mislead millions in an effort to make their lives more miserable? Or even start a war where thousands of our young people will die or suffer horrible injuries?
    Or do you get a thrill when some aging asshole claps you on the back at a cocktail party or expensive restaurant and considers you 'one of them'?

    Because the last person in the Washington media I think I could trust was I.F. Stone and you sure as hell ain't no I.F. Stone! Fucker!!!!

    • paris biltong

      And even Izzy. He was pissed at Phil Ochs for making fun of Liberals.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    I remember this!
    Then there's a knock at the door and he gets a letter from Mister McFeely, and then Lady Elaine Fairchilde talks to some cat that says something like "meow-meow-beardy-meow"

    • Obviously, you have access to a *much* better class of drugs than I.

    • finallyhappy

      King Friday!

  • owhatever

    What if he was named Trevor Blitzer? Would anybody watch? Having a candidate for president look at the drool falling from the sharp fangs and say, "Well, Wolf," is like bowing to the alpha male. Only his brother Satan Blitzer is stronger.

  • ugodOH

    This election is going to come down to whichever candidate can get the most votes in the Electoral College. There, now can I get paid massive amounts of money to be on TV in a suit?

  • littlebigdaddy

    Blitzen! (Refers to his lightning-fast mind).

  • HistoriCat

    I'm Wolf Blizter! Remember me? I was relevant! Baghdad! Desert Storm! Me – Wolf Blitzer!

  • Mojopo

    It feels like that's been true since about 2000. From there, foreign coverage of our political news got even better.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    I've said this before and I'll say it again: Wolf Blitzer is a cretinous numbskull, and if brains were dynamite he couldn't blow Rick Santorum.

  • Exhausted66

    These candidates are so rich… and so white.

  • chascates

    Jesus' General has a timely resolution of which I'll share a bit:

    WHEREAS: the traditional American family, composed of a righteously authoritarian husband, and a subservient wife and children, thrived for nearly 6000 years after Adam first corrected Eve with a strap fashioned from stegosaurus hide.

    WHEREAS: every day, trillions of spermatazoan-Americans die from head injuries caused by violent collisions with latex.

    BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED: that the Republican National Committee recognize that the part of sex when the wife vomits inhibits a traditional husband's willingness to achieve the procreative moment and that the RNC therefore demand that insurance companies provide anti-nausea drug coverage for procreative purposes.

    • Negropolis


      thrived for nearly 6000 years after Adam first corrected Eve with a strap fashioned from stegosaurus hide.


  • I also like that phony thing all the talking heads are trained to do, where they drop their chin emphatically at the end of a sentence, or switch the angle of their head from one side to the other without actually conveying any meaning. It's meant to demonstrate their authority and conviction without actually being the vertical "yes" or horizontal "no" that would pin them down to saying something true and vouching for it.

    • Negropolis

      Brian Williams is the king of this. I've seen the guy on the late-night shows, and whenever someone tried to get a real opinion out of him, even in the most subtle of ways, he'd instinctively do this. They are liked train seals, but not the navy kind.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    [in Herman Cain's voice]: No, Blitz.

  • WiscDad

    I've said it before and I'll say it again…Wolfe Blitzer's a hack with a made up name that makes him appear to be Scandinavian…or Norse…or some shit

  • I was surfing Man-on-Dog porn again (there's an audience!) and came across this gif. I think with a little Wonkette Blingee-action, it could be a real… thing?

    • hahahaa.

      Even if I WAS hoping for some man on dog pron.

  • Negropolis

    Wolf is history's most boring monster.

    I've seen middle school current events essays more biting and courageous than this.

    • That's why we have to assume he gathers his source materials only from 4th graders and below.

  • Negropolis

    Hasn't the city of Buffalo suffered enough but to then have this vacant native son thrust upon their sullied image? Woe to Buffalo if he yet sits straddled atop cable newsdom.

  • OT – but can anyone believe those brietbart douchebags STILL visit our profiles daily. lol, my fucking gaaaaawd.

  • barto

    Isn't Wolf amazing? He makes me feel sooo smart!!!

  • Manhattan123

    I wonder if he types in that weird droning monotone he speaks in? Seriously, has no executive at CNN ever said, "You know, Wolf is on our air for many many hours each week, maybe we should spend a few thousand bucks and get him some rudimentary public speaking training."

  • ttommyunger

    Hey Wolf, I've got a political question: "What is old, short, has a beard and smells like dirty socks wrapped in burnt bacon?"

    • littlebigdaddy

      Anyone working at CNN or WAPO.

      • ttommyunger

        Close enough!

  • Oh for the sensible times when mandatory vaginal proves for everyone was the order of the day.

    Hey I hear Syria has room for one more journalist. (Too soon?)

  • ShaveTheWhales

    This is not the motherfuckin Wolf.

  • prommie

    Reminds me of Larry King's old syndicated column. Now that I think of it, Larry's column invented "Tweeting." He never attempted to develop any single idea or observation, it was a series of one sentence observations. Things like "For my money, Betty Grable had the best gams of any broad to come down the pike. Yowza!."

  • squirmisher

    My standard of brutal is Mittens calling Obama a Hatchet-faced Nutmeg Dealer.

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