needs more robots

This Boring Anti-Romney Ad Will Probably Be Very Effective!

Rick Santorum was on the right track, aesthetically, when his ad people put a poop gun in the hands of a savage Mitt Romney impersonator and had him shoot hot poop at a Rick Santorum cut-out. It was completely insane and gross and off-putting, but it was hilarious, and that’s more important than winning elections. Now what is this new follow-up ad! A boring thing that just copy-pastes a bunch of terribly damaging Mitt Romney quotes onto a black canvas and then calls it a day.

Isn’t this all you really need to do for any anti-Romney television ad? You just find whatever thing he’s been saying in his stump speech or at debates recently, do a quick google search for a 5-10 year old quote of him saying the exact opposite thing, and then copy-paste it into the campaign ad. Also, scary sounds.

[Sigh] When can George W. Bush be president again?

[The Hill]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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136 comments

    1. johnnymeatworth

      These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them.

      1. Callyson

        What's my name? My name is fuck you!
        Seriously, I would pay good money to hear just one voter say that to the frothy mix. Or to Mittens. Or to any of the wingnuts…

    2. Mahousu

      Santorum reminds me of the guy in the audience who sits there and laps it all up.

      And yes, I did mean it in that sense.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I'm really glad that words in books and magazines don't make those kinds of noises when I read them; I would probably just plain stop reading, very distracting.

    1. Chichikovovich

      That's why Romney is going to deny it all, loudly and repeatedly, very offended-like that you would ever suggest such things about him.

  1. Not_So_Much

    (yawn) I liked the Rorschach ad way better. (spoiler alert: in all the shit blotches, I saw shitty candidates)

  2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Romney should counter attack with a similar add that gives the quotes from the five times he has changed each position since the quotes that Santorum used. That would show them!

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Basically all you have to do is show 30 seconds of Romney trying to smile. The big white perfect teeth ad the lack of emotion in his dead eyes will have GOPer rolling in Santorum to drive the memory away.

      1. Guppy

        And now you've got "Santorum" and "double dipping" together in the same paragraph, still with no ass-fucking puns.

        1. finallyhappy

          yeah, at least have the ominous voice reading these things. Of course, I never watch political ads(or any other kind- that is why someone smart invented the DVR)

  4. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Like most GOP adds, this tell the viewer nothing about the one thing they really want to know: Who will continue bombing brown people, and which country will we bomb next?

    It makes you miss Rick Perry and his desire to get us back into Iraq just a few weeks after we got out of it.

    1. FROTHY

      Yeah, I'm still trying to understand why that didn't go down so well with the electorate, yanno? It worked fine when that *other* Texan tried it.

    1. flamingpdog

      Music? One low tone droning for 27 seconds? Sounds sort of like the low organ tone at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey – the ad would have been a lot more entertaining if it had at least had the beginning of Thus Spake Zarathustra to follow upon the low tone.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Clearly the implication of that ad is false, as Mitt has never contradicted any of his deeply-held beliefs. And don't ask what his deeply-held beliefs are.

  6. KeepFnThatChicken

    Wow. Rick Santorum's "approved" message really cited Rush Limbaugh as a source.

    I guess Dr. Laura will be his Surgeon General, Glenn Beck will be his head of Homeland Security, and Bob & Tom will be executed when Sean Hannity becomes the head of the Justice Department.

  7. OneYieldRegular

    Rick Perry's probably hit rewind on that ad 60 times by now just to get all the text in the first quote.

  8. SoBeach

    I noticed one of the bits listed "Source: Rush Limbaugh"

    Case closed, Mitt. There is no higher authority.

    1. Exhausted66

      RushLimbaugh.COM

      The authority of Rush Limbaugh with the accuracy if the internet. So, it's doubly true.

  9. CogitoErgoBibo

    No worries. This relies on the target audience to actually read the quotes. Since the average GOP voter spends teevee commercial time counting his or her money or yelling at the help, all they'll ever hear is "I'm Rick Santorum and I approve whatever the hell it was that you just missed reading."

  10. Barb

    I watched the ad, against my better judgement. It was like there was a party in my mouth and everyone was throwing up.

  11. Goonemeritus

    Were we to use the same ad against Romney it would help him with independents because they would assume he was rational half the time. This would constitute a new high water mark for a modern Republican.

  12. FakaktaSouth

    I love Mitt Romney. I find him to be authetic and conservative and honest. Wait, no I mean, terrible, a nothing with no beliefs until he finds out what he can trade them for – THEN he can tell you what he thinks. But see how absolutely stupid crazy I sound? Two impossible, cognitively dissonant thoughts, Just like Mitt! And he's their "obvious mainstream choice."

    1. Chichikovovich

      That's probably the worst post I've ever read on Wonkette. No, wait, it's super-insightful and captures the inner life of Romney to a T. Poorly written, banal, beautifully composed with compelling, classic style, and strikingly original.

      Damn, you're right. That is weird. But oddly liberating. Never needing to stand by anything one has ever said can be a literally irresistable temptation. And by that I mean I never want to do it again.

      [Edit: P.S. - I only meant the good parts.]

      1. FakaktaSouth

        It IS liberating, isn't it? I am always fascinated by what people with the kind of money, fame and therefore freedom Mitt has will do. He apparently has chosen to say whatever the hell flies out of his face, and he's rich, so there are people who will stand there and act like this is normal. Like I say, fascinating. Seems like the "drowning in a bathtub on way too many drugs option" would be more honorable.

  13. BlackRhino

    Hey!!! Those subtitles were too fast…the freepers are going to lose a left nut when they try to read that ad.

  14. Beowoof

    If I thought he believed any of that I'd vote for him. However, the sad fact is, he is and always has been merely a lying opportunist; or aka a politician.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    shoot hot poop /completely insane and gross and off-putting but hilarious
    vs.
    .. a boring thing that just copy-pastes a bunch of terribly damaging quotes ..then calls it a day.

    You've just described the way I describe to non-Wonketteers how I spend my time putting effort into comments here, illustrated w/ results during a.) a good day
    vs.
    b.) no creative nor energetic output in me whatsoever.

    It's easier than explaining to them the complexities of negotiating the turbulent miasma of absurdity that is modern politics — and if they have any poop-joke appreciation in them, they sort of 'get it.' (My success rate at luring such folks over this way, however, still needs improvement).

    1. MissTaken

      "and if they have any poop-joke appreciation in them, they sort of 'get it.'"

      My bestie has no poop-joke appreciation at all so explaining how SB and I met confused her thoroughly. She's still convinced I'm dating an actual robot.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        no poop-joke appreciation at all …confused her thoroughly

        While it is fun to mess w/ people's minds a little, I can't avoid getting a little disheartened as the appeal of this playground stays lost on most whom I steer this way — or in the case of my godfather for ex., the timing is such that he finally meanders over *just* as something posts that's really over the top (he's 76 & liberal but old-fashionied).

        Btw, the flirting-saga that unfolds between you & SrB is a welcome diversion in my pt of view, you each complement the other very well as far as exchanging snark & other pleasantries~

      2. SorosBot

        She thinks I'm a robot? Now that's just silly. I've had a surprisingly easy time explaining how we met to my friends.

        1. MissTaken

          Nah, she's knows you're real. She just doesn't understand how we went from commenting to dating. Then in between giggles I said it was during a Santorum thread. She didn't understand why that was funny at all.

          1. SorosBot

            That's true, it was in a Santorum thread – so I guess there is one thing we can be thankful to that hateful hypocritical douchebag for. And discussing sex and Santorum will always be funny.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Oh, have I told you the one about Jack Hanna and the viscaya?

      (Edit: viscacha. Apparently Viscaya is a city).

        1. SayItWithWookies

          Not actually a joke, just an amazing television moment.

          On Jack's "Into the Wild," a recent episode featured Jack in Chile looking at various interesting animals, and one segment had him and a Chilean park ranger walking around these rocky hills searching for viscacha, these rodents that look like marmots with long tails. Anyway, the ranger looks down and says "here is some of the scat of the viscacha," and we see a pile of things that look like rabbit pellets.

          Anyway, Jack picks some of it up and observes, "They look like little candies," whereupon the ranger says "eat it." Jack looks at him askance, and the guy says "eat it" again, whereupon Mr. Hanna pops a few into his mouth and gets this look on his face that will be familiar to any parent who's fed their child brussels sprouts for the first time.

          Then there's a cut (probably of footage involving lots of laughter) and we see the two of them walking away towards a hill, with Hanna doing a voice-over of possibly his most awesome quote ever: "I guess eating poop isn't the smartest thing I've ever done."

          I swear this is 100% true.

          1. FROTHY

            I know that's not a joke, but it's hilarious. In an ooky sort of way.

            Of course, my partner just emailed to let me know her older daughter just told her she ate cat food. Cat food, vegetarian poop, what's the diff?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe even better would be the announcer that does the radio spots for the Monster Truck Jam down at the county fairgrounds. "Sunday! Sunday! SUNDAY!!!"

      1. FROTHY

        Or Crazy Al. "His prices are INSAAAAANE!!"

        Lately, my partner has been suddenly screaming this, for no reason I can figure out, when frustrated by tech issues. For some reason, it makes me piss myself laughing.

        1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

          Every once in a while, I find myself shouting "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Nitro Burning Funnycars!" for absolutely no reason, but that's prolly just me.

          1. FROTHY

            I dunno. That crazy man will probly be delighted to add another insane phrase to his repertoire. He used to play Never Mind The Bollocks at top volume while pulling faces when doing his laptop maintenance until I started playing Chinese opera back at him. Funny how opera music of almost any culture gives some people the leaping fantods.

    2. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Sadly, the Voice Of God, is no longer available. But at least we have his appearance on Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me, where he did a few NPR-themed voiceovers, including "Every week on This American Life, we choose a theme…" and "From WHYY, This is Fresh Air. I'm Terry Gross."

  16. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Of course, now that the "there's no right to privacy" video has surfaced, featuring Rick Santorum saying:

    All the rights in the Constitution, which are individually based rights, according to our founders were not there for the individual’s gain, but the reason we established those rights was for the common good. The right to privacy is not the right to a common good. It’s a me-centered right, that obviously started in the sexual revolution with contraception and obviously quickly evolved to abortion, and now has found its way into the marriage debate. And all those acts that were self-giving acts, self-sacrificing acts, have been polluted by this right to privacy.

    Rick's going to have a fun time explaining that "we" established those rights, when of course they Come From God, and then that whole "common good" thing sounds kind of socialist, too. Does that mean, for instance, that the Holy Right to Keep and Bear Arms is NOT an individual (or selfish) right, but rather somehow subject to a lot of unconstitutional nonsense about "A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state"?

    1. weej_bain

      Frothy is getting way too deep into the peyote. He's starting to make the craziest Castaneda cacti-head appear to be the very picture of sobriety. Not only has Santroum seen God way too many times, they now have a weekly get together to play canasta ◖fish◗◀

      1. FROTHY

        Hear, hear. Rick Santorum is the kind of putz who gives (1) whites (2) straight folks (3) Christians (4) Catholics, and (5) men a bad name.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      I'm starting to think Sweater Vest can only speak in Crazy Religious Babble. Sort of like glossolalia with the exception that I know what each individual word means if it's removed from the complete statement.

      1. FROTHY

        HAH! He's being dissected live. Soon all that will remain of him on the national stage will be a stain. And I will have to go back to being MittBorg.

    3. V572 Flambé

      This pisses me off so much I feel like posting Rick's SSAN and AmEx numbers right here, so here they are: 382-56-8731 and 4727 79904 08908 (expires 08/14 and the security code is 4892).

      In Griswold v Connecticut, Justice Douglas said the right to privacy comes from the 4th Amendment: "the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures." Just because the word "privacy" doesn't appear in the Constitution doesn't mean the language above doesn't guarantee it. Birth control is something persons use in their houses, and the devices are their "effects." If that isn't protected nothing is.

      Suck it, Mullah Santorum.

      1. FROTHY

        I'm not sure that's an appropriate response. You ought to be aware that we have trollz who monitor, and while it's OK to reveal information about *yourself,* it's never been considered OK to reveal this kind of information about someone else. I'd edit the post to remove it if I were you.

  17. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Somewhere there's a studio that records nothing but ominous music for campaign ads. I bet they rake in millions.

  18. sezme

    Is this seriously what passes for debate among the Republicans these days?

    Sheesh. If scary quotations was all it took to win things, then quoting Ahmadinejad would be enough for regime change in Iran. If Santorum really wants to prove he's not a RINO, he walk the walk and just bomb Romney already.

  19. BloviateMe

    If they hired the Sham-Wow guy to read the quotes, this ad would be unassailable brilliance. You're welcome, Frothy, you're welcome.

  20. Numbat_Dundee

    I've heard it said that you've only got a certain number of words in you, and once you've said them all you're dead.

  21. flamingpdog

    "Under Romney, fees and taxes increased more than $700 million a year."

    And under Santorum*, feces and lax(ativ)es will increase exponentially.

    *under Santorum*? I just made myself vomit.

  22. JimmyPete

    How bout a commercial showing all the crazy crap Santorum has said and hasn't taken back? Oh wait its a ReTeablican Primary. That would be a vote getter.

  23. V572 Flambé

    The really beautiful thing is when the candidates are presented with their own words and huffily respond, "Well, that was five years ago!" or "That was to a church audience!" or "That was in Massachusetts!" as though it ought to be obvious that you say what the current audience wants to hear. Aside from CongreDoctor Paul, they really can't imagine any other way to be.

  24. yyyaz

    "When can George W. Bush be president again?"

    Please let us know as a public service what drugs can cause one to entertain such a horrendous thought so that none of us, ever, ever, ever ingests them, even accidentally.

    1. jus_wonderin

      I believe that "drug" is just a combination of everything under the kitchen sink, in the laundry pantry and out in the garage…stirred, not shaken, together with your favorite mixer while the car is running with the garage doors down.

      I believe…………….

      1. yyyaz

        Hmmm. Sounds a lot like the Dahmer Date-Night Spritzer, but without the reagent-grade ethanol, demerol and ibogaine. The suppression of critical thinking skills it would cause, however, is entirely congruous with the flat-line EEG responses/initiatives we have come to expect from the GOOPer candidates. So, what with the lack of caffeine and alcohol, it might be the mythical Moronic Tonic Mittens is rumored to administer to himself. To, you know, loosen the tongue a bit at social functions that require a little more lubricity than his buttened-down bot persona allows at its current settings. See, also, the Twice Around the Bend-er Over.

  25. Callyson

    Didn't they steal the sound effects from the very beginning of Goodfellas (when the credits of the major actors roll out)?
    Gangsta wannabe…

  26. Antispandex

    Add a little girl, some flowers, and an atom bomb explosion, and maybe you've got something there…or not.

  27. NYNYNYjr

    As mentioned in a recent gawker post "…and we learned that Mitt "I Like to Fire People" Romney has a huge backer in Frank "I Like to Sue Blogs out of Existence" VanderSloot.
    (We won't talk about VanderSloot here—because he likes to sue blogs out of existence…"

    I think more should be said about the fact that Romeny's biggest backer is from Aruba and is the father of serial killer Joran Vandersloot. I mean….isn't that a little weird?

  28. Negropolis

    To be honest, I think this is one of the most effective ads of the entire campaign season. Sometimes, less really is more, especially when you're talking about someone as inauthentic as Willard Mitt Romney.

    You know, you come to aggressive at Willard, and you look like a bully picking on a kid with emotional and/or social disabilities.

  29. BaldarTFlagass

    1 pawlenty = 100 romneys, or 1 centi-romney. Already endorsed by the American National Standards Institute (ANSI).

  30. OneDollarJuana

    Actually, that makes a pawlenty a "hecaromney". A centiromney is 0.01 romneys. 1 centiromney is equivalent to waiting one hour in the doctor's office to have a hemorrhoid removed, with only "Parents" and "Highlights" magazines from 1982 to read.

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