A government furry eats a delicious small child.

First the lunch Nazis came in their moon buggies to force healthier school meals on children with a tyrannical attempt to redefine pizza sauce as “not a vegetable.” They lost! So now the lunch Nazis are back again to wage a devious new battle that is confusingly the total opposite of the previous one: They are stealing healthy homemade lunches from children and forcing them to eat the poisonous sawdust shavings the agricultural industry repackages to dump in school cafeterias! According to recent shrieking noises from the right-wing blog section of the Internet, a government agent stormed into a North Carolina school cafeteria, stole a preschooler’s turkey sandwich and her apple and then forced the preschooler to go stand in the Soviet cafeteria line and cry high-sodium tears while she was given a new tray piled with deep-fried chicken toenails. Thus a group of confused wingnuts gathered for a “lunch-in” today in D.C.’s Freedom Plaza to eat low-calorie sandwiches and fruit, to protest the government. Has Michelle Obama’s campaign to fight childhood obesity been going about it the wrong way this whole time?

Apparently so:

“We just sat down and had a nice lunch,” protest organizer David Almasi says of today’s protest. “It was our way of thumbing our nose at the federal regulators.”

THAT’LL SHOW EM. So what really happened on that dreary day in North Carolina when freedom was murdered? As usual, it is another idiotic tale of a disgruntled American suffering from the oppression of a government social program in which she voluntarily chose to enroll her child.

From blogger Mark Thompson:

The original story further obscures that in no circumstance was this child – or any child, for that matter – being forced to eat the school-provided lunch, nor was this child -or any other child – deprived of her boxed lunch. Instead, as the second linked story acknowledges, the child was just provided with additional food and given the option to consume that in addition to her boxed lunch. In other words, the claim that the school “replaced” this girl’s turkey sandwich, banana, apple, potato chips, and juice with chicken nuggets is totally bogus.

By and large, what this story boils down to is that a low-income child whose tuition is fully subsidized by the state under a program her mother opted into was offered some additional food to supplement the boxed lunch she brought from home. This option was provided not because of some overarching, generally applicable law or regulation, but because the program in which her mother and school voluntarily participate requires such an option be available. The mother apparently objects to this option being provided to her daughter, not because of any health concerns or the like, but because she incorrectly believes that she will be charged additional money for her child being provided this option. Since she won’t in fact be charged for this and there is no evidence she was ever going to be charged for it, there is absolutely no harm actually being done to her or her child.

Since this is also an opt-in program, there is no chance of this becoming some sort of generally applicable concern even to the extent there is some sort of nanny state concern here. If the mother has some sort of ethical problem with her child being provided with the option of drinking milk or eating vegetables at school, then she is surely free to send her child to an unsubsidized day care program.

Oh well. If the net result was still a group of panicky teabaggers sharing a reasonably healthy mid-day meal with their children in a fit of sheer outrage, there are worse things. [Weekly Standard/ Mark Thompson]

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  • nounverb911

    Pizzas are vegetables too, my friends.

  • nounverb911

    Did Michelle Obama cater the luncheon?

  • Barb

    Meh, let the kids eat hot dogs made of chicken lips and pig peckers. It was good enough for me when I was growing up.

    • Jezus Christ, Theresa, is that YOU?

      Fuck, she's following me EVERYWHERE. And no, I don't wanna hear that story about how your grandad boiled the liquid from his hot dogs and told you it was soup and made you drink it with all the shiny gleamy fat particles melting into kaleidoscope patterns on top.


      • Nothingisamiss

        You told me you loved my stories.

        • I'm'a tell Carl. Shouldn't you be at home dealing with your two hellion-slut daughters anyway?

  • Since "you are what you eat," we know exactly what GOPers have been eating for the longest time.

    • Barb

      Big steaming piles of horse shit?

      • That's the first course. I wonder what the other four are…

        • fartknocker

          The appetizer is salted and steamed horse cock with a demiglaze of santorum.

    • So "Eat the rich" is an investment strategy, eh? Hmmm… What flavors do they come in?

      • Callyson

        Vanilla, of course. Flavors are for ethnic people.

    • Pig anus?

      • MosesInvests

        You laugh-I've seen that for sale in an Asian supermarket here in Austin.

        • ZOMG. I thought pig pizzles at the local Chinese butcher was the worst.

          Who THE FUCK would eat a pig's anus?

          I must go lie down now.

          • CessnaDriver

            Look at your avatar.

    • mausgeo

      You are what you eat? That….that makes me a pu**y.

      • Oh, now you're just bragging.

    • justkillmenow

      I didn't know you could eat 'stupid'.

  • neiltheblaze

    Wow – and the Teabaggers' logic was so sound too.

    • Shhh…mustn't confuse them with logic, (OR THE FACTS!!).

  • OneDollarJuana

    The kidz will lose weight because, as everyone knows, healthy food is inedible.

  • bumfug

    Now they're gonna be pissed that they ate all that healthy shit for nothing.

    • Nah.
      They won't let the TRUTH get in the way.

  • fartknocker

    My score is that Oklahoma still has outdone North Carolina with its gun-shooting Cap a Senator representative and making zygote killing a crime. Nice try North Carolina, you'll need work harder on stupid, oppressive, biased legislation and enforcement.

  • Joshua Norton

    As a tribute to bad food and big guts, Chris Christie will be changing New Jersey's motto to "the Olive Garden State".

    • Barb

      That's too freaking funny.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    That's nothing–the school my child goes to has (I hope you're sitting down as you read this) BOOKS OTHER THAN THE BIBLE in the school library!!!!!!!!!

    Why is the Government trying to replace the knowledge in the Bible with other ideas?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm sure Oklahoma can solve that problem.

      • DahBoner

        Sharia law in Oklahoma prohibits any books, other than the Koran, in lieberries…

  • littlebigdaddy

    I hope that kid has to clean some toilets to pay for the lunch. There's no such thing as a free lunch amirite?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I grew up eating deep fried chicken toenails and I turned out great! I am 4'3" tall and an equal distance across. Also, I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

    • You mean all this time I've been fapping to a 5'2" Ellen deGeneres lookalike, and I was TOTALLY WRONG?

    • AnAmericanInTO

      Git Momma's pryin' bar.

    • You're four feet tall, lying down? Are you an opera singer?

    • Negropolis

      Future Bart Simpson libel!

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Why in the hell are ALL of the McDonald's gang so fucking creepy? Hamburgler is a career criminal, Grimace is just fat and weird and I'm pretty sure Ronald isn't allowed to be within 300 ft of a minor.

    • MissTaken

      It's because Officer Big Mac and Mayor McCheese are as soft as a bun on crime.

      • CapnFatback
      • SorosBot

        Whatever happened to them, anyway? These days it seems Ronald, Grimace and the Hamburglar are the only characters left in the ads; Mayor McCheese has been missing for decades.

        • BigDumbRedDog

          They had him locked in Grimace's basement for years, using him as a sex slave in his s&m dungeon. Ronald got over-excited one day and killed him with the testicular electrodes. Then they "did things" with the body before consuming the remains.

          • Hey Red!
            You are one sick puppy!
            (And I love it!)

    • Indiepalin

      You haven't lived until you've been probed vaginally by the Burger King.

      • tessiee

        Ugh, like that mask wasn't creepy enough to begin with.

    • CapnFatback

      Grimace used to be weirder.

      • MissTaken

        Do not bash on Evil Grimace or his Uncle O'Grimacey won't bring the Shamrock Shakes this St Patty's Day.

      • SoBeach

        I watched the first one and thought "Dang, that's Jodi Foster as a little kid." I fired up the googles and sure enough, it is.

        I remember that commercial.

  • MissTaken

    Chicken nuggets in the school lunch? When I was little it was slimy prunes and mystery meat. And that's what I brought with me. God knows I wasn't about to eat what the cafeteria offered.

    • BigDumbRedDog

      What ever happened to Salisbury steak? That stuff was fucking disgusting.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Ah yes, Salisbury steak.
        "Pizza" was a rectangular piece of cardboard with tomato "sauce" & some white shit that was called cheese. All vegetables came out of huge white-labelled cans with "USDA" printed on them & had been marinated in the can's salt water. "Fruit" came from similar cans & it all tasted the same, mildly sweet but gag-inducing as you attempted to swallow.

        • MissTaken

          "mildly sweet but gag-inducing as you attempted to swallow"

          Sounds like someone needs to eat more pineapple.

          • Loaded_Pants

            Speaking of pineapple, all those fruits-from-cans were awful, but I remember pineapple was particularly awful. That's probably why I don't touch the stuff now. Too many bad sense memories.

          • The first time I had FRESH pineapple, (I was 18), I didn't know what it was.

            And cherries! Don't forget the cherries in the "fruit cocktail."

          • ZOMG. Dad used to *grow* pineapple. There is nothing so spectacularly sweet and juicy as fresh pineapple. Of course, having been exposed to the canned shit, I don't blame you in the least. (barfs)

          • SorosBot

            Is this supposed to be a hint?

          • MissTaken


          • Remember the "joke"?

          • Steverino247

            I think for many people, it's the "idea" that induces the gag.

        • tessiee

          You had rectangular pizza?
          Ours was ketchup on an english muffin, I swear to god.

    • SorosBot

      I remember we had "pizza" that tasted like cardboard with melted rubber and ketchup on it, and on Fridays (this being a Catholic school) there was alleged macaroni and cheese where the cheese was congealed and burnt to the point where it was brown. Ugh. There was nothing good.

      • MissTaken

        Sometimes we'd get Spaghetti-O's. That was awesome.

        • SorosBot

          That does sound much better than anything my grade school cafeteria ever had.

      • Loaded_Pants

        My elementary school actually sold fuckin' ice cream to kids in kindergarten & 1st grade (things like ice cream sandwiches & such, 25 cents a pop as a I recall) in the afternoon. That's right, they got us little hellions all sugared up before they sent us back home to the 'rents.

      • tessiee

        On Fridays, we had fish sticks, which the bad boys of course called "fishdicks".

  • They'll have to pry the carrot sticks from my cold dead hand.

  • UW8316154

    Hands off my turkey sandwhich!!

  • finallyhappy

    Really, Lay's chips, turkey and cheese, super sweet juice boxes-healthy lunch? Where is the water, plain tofu and raw kale?? That is what the gov't wants to force children to eat.

    • Where are the cookies Sister Sarah sent?

  • SorosBot

    Jesus fucking Christ; is there any molehill the wingnuts can't turn into a mountain, by pulling most of the facts right out of their asses?

    • BigDumbRedDog

      When you are that small (minded) everything looks like a mountain.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What makes you think they need a molehill?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Freedumb Plaza-Home of the Occupados and the free toes crowd.

  • Come here a minute

    First they came to give children healthy food, and I did not speak out because I thought that was okay.

  • stopthemovie

    let em eat soylent green !!!!!!!

    • Negropolis

      Soylent Green is people, my friend.

  • UW8316154

    Why does Mark Thompson hate freedom so much?

    The original expose, written by Real American Sara Burrows (who, btw, is hottt)

    • Tundra Grifter

      Is Sara Burrows the Original Wonkette's little sister?

    • Barrelhse

      Speaking of hot, there's this interesting tidbit:
      I'm not sure what to think of this…

      Josh Romney @joshromney

      Best line I've heard on the trail: "For a lady who raised 5 boys, battled MS & breast cancer your mom sure is smoking hot"
      23 Feb 12


      In fact I'd rather not think of it at all.

      • tessiee

        So don't, but I guarantee you Newt is fapping to it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Those poor teabaggers — they endured the risks of proper nutrition and HFCS deprivation for nothing?

    And on a side note, why is it that whenever there's a story of someone being forced to eat food or not lead a prayer in school or some other right-wing paranoia fantasy about big government overreach, it's in some red state like Oklahoma or Texas or NC?

    • Barrelhse


    • tessiee

      Those states are full of bible nuts, so they don't have lotteries, so their schools are underfunded and crappy, so their kids grow up dumb, so those states are full of bible nuts, so they don't have lotteries, so their schools are underfunded and crappy, so their kids grow up dumb, so those states are full of bible nuts, so they don't have lotteries, so their schools are underfunded and crappy, so their kids grow up dumb, so those states are full of bible nuts, so they don't have lotteries, so their…

  • stopthemovie

    Or for the Tea Partyers soylent white !

  • edgydrifter

    Her argument boils down to "how dare you charge me nothing for this state-subsidized program that forces my daughter to be allowed to get something that I signed her up to get."


    This is "get your government hands off my government money" cubed. It's a tesseract of pure American conservative reasoning.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Protest Lunches: When I Don't Care Enough to Camp, Because…Hippies. You Know.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    It's a sad day when the Government won't trust parents to protect their children from Boogey Straw Men.

  • elfgoldsackring

    "We'll show ya… we'll sit right down and quietly eat this healthy homemade lunch!"

    You can tell Mrs O developed mad skillz in outwitting toddlers…

  • Barrelhse


  • arihaya

    well, morbid obesity kills more Americans than terrorist, but Freepers never rail againts Big Corn or Big Pork

  • Callyson

    Am tempted to comment "hey wingnuts, eat me."
    But on second thoughts, scratch that…

  • Tundra Grifter

    This story has been rattling around the right wing nutzisphere for a couple of weeks.

    Mark Simone droned on and on and on about how tramatic the entire experience was for this lttle girl. I thought he was being sarcastic, but that would require a brain. He was serious.

    Off-the-Mark Levin and Sheer InSannity scraped it off The Sludge Retort and the story just grew into Michelle Obama's Food Police confiscating this poor little girl's homemade lunch.

    None of the reactionaries bothered to undertand "More at Four" is a state sponsored program for at-risk low-income folks. Nobody is forced to go to school at four!

    However, the State of North Carolina figured (correctly, in my opinion) it would make sense to establish some rules and regulations – teach qualifications, what is going to be taught, the opportunity for kids to eat a decent lunch, etc. Pretty basic stuff.

    Leave it to the GNoPee to turn it into the FFP – Federal Food Police (it was a state agent, of course).

    Pathetic that this is the best these befuddled fools can come up with. Even sadder that some people out there actually believe it!

    • People only read the reporting on the reporting of the original second-hand report of the actual incident. A thrice digested event that comes out the back-end as shit… I mean "news."

    • SoBeach

      Those radio hacks have to talk about something. Imagine every day having to find three hours worth of shit that will make stupid people angry. A bs story like this is a week's worth of shows. No way they're going to pass on it just because it's bs.

  • meatlofer

    If you clean the toilets, we will put a slice of Velveeta, on that tumor sandwich!

  • Loaded_Pants

    Someone needs to explain to the mother, probably slowly, what "opt-in" means.

  • Redhead

    Reading comprehension was never the teabaggers' strong suit.

  • CapnFatback

    Well, that tears it: this one incident of a child's picky eating has convinced me that all government programs, at every level, in every nation, throughout history, are a failure.

    ¡Viva La Turkey Sandwich!

  • Sigh.

  • OneYieldRegular

    What a coincidence. I too sat down today and had a nice lunch. To protest hunger.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You all seem to be missing the larger point. Turkey is a good, American bird, honored by the Tea Party, who have also bred themselves to be fat and have a tendency to drown themselves if left in the rain.

    On the other hand, Chickens are well known Socialist, known to gather in chaotic flocks. And the dishes featuring chicken are often named in honor of Communist heros (e.g. Gen. Tso, Col. Sanders). For all we know, the first chicken probably was placed by God in Kenya as a sign of how forsaken that place is.

    Even if there was no real scandal here, the fact that the government encouraged a poor little girl to eat chicken was probably just their way of forcing Socialism and probably contraception upon her.

    I think we can all agree, this must be stopped! For the sake of family!

  • proudgrampa

    Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Getting it exactly wrong, so unlike teabaggers in general.

  • Antispandex

    Needs more monosodium glutimate.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Having fully researched the turkey food chain from eggs to sliced turkey parts in your local deli, I can certify that the turkey in that sandwich was from one of the birds being, uh, executed behind Sarah Palin in the ultra-famous turkey execution/salvation event at which she presided. So the whole thing is your fault–fuck you, Palin!

  • chascates

    First they came to remove the soda and candy machines but I did not speak up because I didn't get a take of the money like the school district did.
    Then they came for the right for kids to leave the campus at lunch hour and do whatever but I did not speak up because I don't own stock in fast food companies or sell drugs to school kids.
    Then they came for old staff members who don't realize food can taste good or that kids would actually eat from a salad bar but I didn't speak up because I myself have horrible eating habits.
    Then they came for me, because I developed Type 2 diabetes and was so overweight I couldn't get out my door.

    And thank God they did!

  • owhatever

    My taxes helped pay for that federal park you jelly-bellied snot crunchers stomped all over to protest whatever the hell it was you are bitching about today. Go into protest hyperdrive now and eat a five-pound heart attack burger and croak away your final rancid breaths… fat, dumb and happy.

    • LetUsBray

      Happy? Surely you jest. Teabaggistanis only feel two emotions: Hysterical, histrionic butthurt or pants-crapping terror, depending on what the talk-show host or fox news yammerer is instructing them to feel.

      • Don't fergit teh rage

      • CessnaDriver

        Crapping your pants in terror is now called "a romney".

        Go ahead and google it.

  • It must be swell to have such a careful life that one literally has to make up stuff to be upset about. Of course, doing that would also indicate the person resorting to such nonsense is a moron and probably miserable to be around.

  • HarryButtle

    Seriously. I don't think I can do this anymore. The Right is currently without any coherent philosophy. I mean, they've always sucked, but at least one could argue against what they stood for. Now, I can't even figure out what the fuck they represent. They make no sense, they cannot be embarrassed or mocked…snarking this lot is like shooting fish in a barrel. I don't have any idea how to argue with these people.

    And where the fuck do all the MSM outlets get off not calling them on it? It's 20 fucking 12, people! AAAARRGH!

    Sorry. Lost it there for a minute.

    • LetUsBray

      Does "defense of traditional privilege" constitute a philosophy (aggressive, snot-filled, brain-dead defense at that)?

      At least, I'll offer the hypothesis that the wingnut political agenda can be summed up as such. Or are there too many counterexamples I'm missing for that to be tenable?

    • The Right is currently without any coherent philosophy.


      That is about it.

  • Give the little bastards a mop! USA! USA!

  • Catabite

    I'm going to walk outside, and I am going to scream. I am not sure when I am going to stop screaming. Probably when my voice gives out.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      I Have No Chicken Nuggets And I Must Scream

  • ttommyunger

    Fortunately, the human body is very forgiving up to age 40 or so; after that, payback is a bitch. If you don't believe it check out those Teabaggers in their Hoverounds.

  • Negropolis

    How awesome would it have been if Michelle showed up to protest with them, totally stealing their thunder?

  • Negropolis

    File yet another post under "This is why we can't have nice things."

  • tessiee

    The school lunch was drastically deficient in cedar cheese and cakes we like.

  • tessiee

    Your move, South Carolina.

  • DahBoner

    A Nice Lunch, Wingnut:

    Anything the kids can scavenge from the wastebaskets that they empty, while working as a janitor…

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