PARTY OF NEAR-DEATH OLD WHITE MEN  10:50 am February 23, 2012

GOP Suddenly Concerned About Being Insane Racist Misogynist Fanatics

by Wonkette Jr.

The actual subject of ALL Republican debates is how to further embarrass the memory of Jesus.After last night’s delightful Republican debate focusing on the three important issues facing all Americans — making birth control illegal, cutting taxes for the richest 1%, and savagely persecuting the impoverished Mexican laborers who have mostly stopped seeking work in the U.S. since the economy collapsed — a few “moderate” GOP leaders are suggesting maybe 2012 is going to be a comical repeat of Election Day 2008, when Republicans were stomped out of the White House, Congress and many state offices. “It’s important that voters see a Republican Party that is inclusive and is not exclusive,” Eric Cantor says. Uhh, was Eric Cantor replaced by a human?

Ha ha, of course not. He’s just terrified because the Republicans are so full-tilt wacko this year that they’ll be lucky to keep “safe seats,” let alone a House majority.

The Politico has apparently noticed that the past half year of GOP presidential campaigning has been insane:

GOP leaders are watching with rising dismay as the 2012 presidential campaign has featured excursions into social issues like contraception and a sprint by the candidates to strike the toughest stance against illegal immigration, issues they say are far removed from the workaday concerns of the independent voters Republicans need to evict Barack Obama from the White House.

Why, that’s almost common sense. What is that doing in the conventional wisdom trade magazine cliche we have all come to know and despise? Don’t worry, it’s followed by this:

As recently as 2010, when Republicans elected historic numbers of women and minorities to high office, a permanent expansion of the conservative coalition looked within the realm of possibility to party strategists.

Let’s see, almost every election cycle with big wins for one party sees big ones for the other party in midterm elections. Why does this continue to baffle people who spend their entire lives following politics and writing about elections? And why does this common reactionary cycle — one party consolidates power, other party motivates base because the Enemy has consolidated power — repeatedly get described by political pundits as evidence that “Americans like divided government”?

The answer is, as always, “because people who work in politics are amoral idiots.” [Politico]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 229 comments }

Barb February 23, 2012 at 10:52 am

Santorum already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest. He's ready to prove that he's the most anti-gay guy in America and won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.

James Michael Curley February 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

I won't either after the cost of my last bridge.

MoeDeLawn February 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

bridge-to-nowhere libel!

JustPixelz February 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

Not eating Hershey chocolate — made in Hershey Pennsylvania — is how he lost his Senate seat. Or maybe it was his taking $1,000,000,000 in taxpayer money to "home school" his children. Or maybe he's just a nut the keystone state didn't find funny anymore.

Communities of religious fundamentalists often try to "out pious" each other to show how devoted they are. Sometimes that leads to suicide bombers and whatnot. The Go-Pee'ers for POTUS seem to caught in the same game of oneupmanship. Except, they are committing political suicide. (Hey Rick/Mitt/Ron/Newt: If you're reading this, political suicide is not a sin, so go right ahead.)

Dashboard Buddha February 23, 2012 at 11:45 am

Shit…I'd hand them the pistol if it would help.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 23, 2012 at 12:41 pm

You mean Surveyor's Astrolabe, I am sure.

YasserArraFeck February 23, 2012 at 11:16 am

Rick eating a nut is cannabulismz

chicken_thief February 23, 2012 at 11:19 am

Same logic he uses in avoiding munching tacos, much to Karen's frustration.

Guppy February 23, 2012 at 11:26 am

Did you honestly just use "Santorum" and "Hershey" in the same paragraph without making an ass-fucking pun?

Sue4466 February 23, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Admirable restraint if you ask me.

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I miss the good old days of Wonkete.

donner_froh February 23, 2012 at 2:10 pm

He may not eat a Hershey bar with nuts but he loves taking it up the Hershey Highway.

Jacqueline S. Homan February 27, 2012 at 10:42 am

Santorum ought to be getting fitted for a straight jacket and a rubber room!

GunToting[Redacted] February 23, 2012 at 10:54 am

This seems to be the standard GOP process… Dance ever closer to the edge of the abyss, then when they suddenly realize that not every person in the party is as fucked-up nuts as the most vocal members of their party, back up a few millimeters. It's like the Overton Window for lemmings.

BerkeleyBear February 23, 2012 at 11:32 am

But 20-30 years ago, it was always a calculated two step – promise, half assed execution/sudden willingness to compromise, repeat, with alternating cycles of fiscal conservative language and religious fundie language. This time they seem to be stuck trying to go full fundie and full fiscal psycho simultaneously, with both bases refusing half measures. That suggests a fundamental fuck up on the part of leadership desperate to try and retain the trappings of power despite their atrophying base.

UnholyMoses February 23, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Exactly.

The GOP is so incredibly reliant on its base that it has to pander to it. And as that base has become increasingly clinically nucking futs — first over Civil Rights, then (and still) over taxes, slashing programs that help Those Other People, keeping women as sammich-and-baby makers — they've had to move along with it.

Then a blah got elected to the Wha House and their tiny little brains imploded in a tiny little supernova of pent up rage and animosity to anyone Not Like Them.

The problem?

That base is, oh, maybe 23% of the populace. Which wouldn't be an issue if more than 25% of eligible Americans bothered to vote — the numbers would eventually crush them into oblivion.

So until that happens — until enough people step up and take advantage of their Constitutionally guaranteed rights (even in the face of GOP vote suppression efforts) — we'll continue to see how far they can push the crazy.

I personally think it's getting close to the edge, and the base has no clue that they're the ones ready to push themselves off of it.

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I point that out every time someone bitches about how these crazy bastards get elected. Get off your ass and vote.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Every 2 years. And for everything below "President" on the ballot. You may find this more effective than getting pepper-sprayed at 1 Citibank Plaza or wherever the fuck.

sewollef February 23, 2012 at 12:57 pm

BB: This sounds too like the wash cycle instructions on Tide for my Kenmore washing machine.

Which is an awful lot like the GOP…. you know, mustn't mix your whites with your coloreds, etc.

memzilla February 23, 2012 at 10:55 am

The actual question is: "How soon will the Rethuglicans cross the Schwarzschild Radius of Bat S**t Crazy and be sucked into the Giant Black Hole of Whig-Party-Like Irrelevance?"

And the answer is: "Not soon enough!"

UnholyMoses February 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

The Wingularity is near!!!!

Puffperney February 23, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Excellent!

JustPixelz February 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

There is still a Whig party! http://www.modernwhig.org/

The 1850s Whig Party disintegrated over slavery. Then reformed with elements of the anti-immigrant Know Nothings into the Republican Party. Pretty sure today's Republicans still have a solid hold on the Know Nothings.

sati_demise February 23, 2012 at 12:43 pm

One of my ancestors was the last Whig in Congress- Emerson Etheridge.

and yea, Melissa is a cousin. We all from Memphis.

memzilla February 23, 2012 at 1:32 pm

The website uses the term "Whiggery." Whiggery? Serioiusly? That sounds like something they prosecute you for crossing state lines to do: "Premeditated Whiggery and Aggravated Mopery in the Second Degree."

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 1:45 pm

They got Vanilla Ice on Premeditated Wiggery, but not Eminem or the Beastie Boys. Double Standard!!

Guppy February 23, 2012 at 11:28 am

The Whigs broke up because they weren't ideologically pure enough (particularly over slavery). In contrast, the GOP's problem is that they're trying to be too pure.

Ironically, a better metaphor would be Eugene Debs' Socialist Party.

Puffperney February 23, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Rick's misogynist blurbs have already put him past the event horizon. He's as good as gone. The party itself? I don't think so (tears form).

DemmeFatale February 23, 2012 at 10:55 am

Reap what you sow, people!
Reap. What. You. Sow.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
(Live by the sword, die by the sword, etc.)

mrpuma2u February 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

Live by being Wall street whores, die by being wall street whores.

chicken_thief February 23, 2012 at 11:20 am

Wall Street whores are people, too, my friend.

Dashboard Buddha February 23, 2012 at 11:46 am

True dat…the day the GOP courted the religious right, they started creating this monster. Now the monster wants results.

Mumbletypeg February 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

Alt-text WIN

Question: I see Jesus or maybe Mary but no Broseph* as usual.

* = the Gospel of Joseph Smith's immaculate conception'd Bride of Christ via Brigham Young, or some such…

subsum February 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

Rick Savonarola has gone rogue already. You can't pull him back. It's too late.

Mahousu February 23, 2012 at 11:56 am

Even though Savonarola was a theocrat, burned books, destroyed art, and cut taxes(!) for the rich, he still couldn't make it as a Republican nowadays – he cared too much about the poor, and objected too much to corruption. Savonarola – too liberal for today's GOP.

BaldarTFlagass February 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

In the immortal words of Kent "Flounder" Dorfmann, "This is gonna be GREAT!"

MissTaken February 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

Logic, it's a sonofabitch.

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 11:16 am

Logic? Careful there, next you'll be promoting that heathen, anti-Christian science!

dyedwool February 23, 2012 at 11:18 am

The tide comes in, and it goes out. You can't explain it. Just ask Bill O.

VinnyThePooh February 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

You won't see me stop them from diving into the rock-filled waters of stupidity.

Barrelhse February 23, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Maybe we should drain the water first. You know, just in case they can't swim, bless their hearts.

VinnyThePooh February 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Draining their gene pool would be more gratifying.

Texan_Bulldog February 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

I expect their next crusade to be taking the vote away from women and colored folks. You know, to appeal to their base.

MissTaken February 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

19st be unkontitushunal1!1

Fare la Volpe February 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

Now now, they're not racist against colored folks. They just want to restore their rights to the principles laid out in the Constitution: negroes will still have 3/5ths of a vote!

memzilla February 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

And make them all ride in the back of the Moon Lander!

Terry February 23, 2012 at 11:09 am

Taking the vote away from colored folks is already occurring in the form of voter identification laws and the robo-call campaigns.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 1:50 pm

And if this is news to anybody, resign your Intensedebate account now.

VaWyo February 23, 2012 at 11:27 am

Of course. Black people get 3/5ths and women get nothing, the way it should be. The way Jesus intended. We ladies can't be trusted with the vote for the same reason we should not be in combat, we'll get infections (says Dr. Newt) or be too emotional (says Dr.Rick).

Any women who votes republican should be subject to intense therapy for their self-loathing problem and repeated transvaginal ultrasounds.

HateMachine February 23, 2012 at 12:02 pm

What about black women? They get -3/5ths of a vote, I guess?

Fare la Volpe February 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

0 x 3/5 = 0.

CapnFatback February 23, 2012 at 10:59 am

issues they say are far removed from the workaday concerns of the independent voters Republicans need to evict Barack Obama from the White House.

I'll take dog-whistle terms for $300, Alex.

HateMachine February 23, 2012 at 12:04 pm

You have to laugh at the implication that a Nobel Prize winner and hojillionaire best-selling author could somehow not manage to pay the rent check, because get it? He's blah!

Because otherwise we'd scream in frustration, I guess.

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 1:00 pm

DEMOCRATIC PLANTATION LIBEL !!1!11!

bagofmice February 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Yeah, that was pretty loud and clear.

DaRooster February 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

“It’s important that voters see a Republican Party that is inclusive and is not exclusive,”
"It is not important that we become inclusive… just that they see that we are."

BaldarTFlagass February 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

So, I guess "jobs" as a campaign issue has fallen right off the radar? I wonder why that is.

Terry February 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

Because it was a smokescreen topic they tossed out there in the midterm with no actual interest in the topic at all.

HateMachine February 23, 2012 at 12:10 pm

And the funny part is, for once they picked out a smokescreen topic that independent voters actually gave a shit about. And now that they got a broad swathe of voters to start asking "but what about jobs/the economy?" they don't want to talk about it.

tlcolson February 23, 2012 at 11:17 am

That would be because a President or presidential candidate really has no control over jobs growth – unless its federal government employees. There's nothing to ACTUALLY talk about. (and well, the subject would require innovative thinking…. birth control is so much easier)

JustPixelz February 23, 2012 at 11:25 am

They're all actually running to be Dubya Bush's third term. Name one thing they want to do that he didn't do or try. Also, name one thing he did that was successful.

Carrabuda February 27, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I hate to admit it, but: AIDS amelioration in African countries.

El wikiP: "One of the most notable programs initiated by Bush is the PEPFAR (President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief) Program, which was a commitment of $15 billion over five years (2003–2008) from the United States to fight the global HIV/AIDS pandemic."

JustPixelz February 28, 2012 at 6:49 am

I forgot about that. I'm glad he did it. And I hope it was/is successful.

Goonemeritus February 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

If it is true that seeds of every movements defeat are sown at the time of its greatest victory the modern Republican Party will need more than a Brush Hog to get out of this one.

HarryButtle February 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

Republitard Majority Leader say what, now?

Do they not realize that the things they've said over the past several years have been recorded?

Wadisay February 23, 2012 at 12:08 pm

These guys invented the 18.5 minute gap, remember?

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 1:01 pm

They'll just claim that they were taken out of context and blame it on the liberal media conspiracy.

Poindexter718 February 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

After last night's debate, I look forward to seeing the new label the Santorum Administration requires on all birth control pill dispensers:
"WARNING: The Archbishop General has determined that contraceptives increase the risk of pregnancy, especially among teenagers and the unwed."

comrad_darkness February 24, 2012 at 4:12 am

Most Holy Reverend Archbishop Friess recommends you use an aspirin instead.

SudsMcKenzie February 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

Whats a "moderate" Republican?

memzilla February 23, 2012 at 11:09 am

The passenger pigeon of American politics: exterminated for sport, en masse, and not seen since the mid-1950s.

Terry February 23, 2012 at 11:11 am

A "moderate" Republican is a registered Independent.

BaldarTFlagass February 23, 2012 at 11:13 am
BTWBFDIMHO February 23, 2012 at 11:22 am

A….Democrat?

JustPixelz February 23, 2012 at 11:28 am

Says "I respect women" before saying they are too stupid to make painful, personal medical decisions.

Only wants to cut taxes to zero instead of negative taxes for billionaires.

Doesn't call Obama a n—-r on teevee.

Schmannnity February 23, 2012 at 11:32 am

Owns fewer than 5 slaves.

Guppy February 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

The moderates are the ones that want current Texas-style executions rather than a televised auto de fe.

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

They think women who get abortions should only face life imprisonment, not execution, want to just go back to segregation, not slavery, and believe Muslims should only be forced into concentration camps instead of supporting genocide.

chicken_thief February 23, 2012 at 11:36 am

They look remarkably like that guy in the White House, only less blah.

gullywompr February 23, 2012 at 11:55 am

There's one right over there, behind the thousand points of light.

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Zombie Reagan.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I think it's those two old bitches in the Senate from New England who hem and haw over voting for something completely fucking insane every couple of years.

doloras February 23, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Barack Obama.

ThundercatHo February 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

Not inclusive? Not so. Last I heard they were letting in white men and (submissive) white women.

Fare la Volpe February 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

They let in Catholics now! See? Inclusive!

Terry February 23, 2012 at 11:12 am

They also let in white women who are willing to serve as beards.

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

And they also allow a lot of gay men, as long as they're self-loathing closet cases.

chicken_thief February 23, 2012 at 11:30 am

Or Messicun web designers?

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Indian women that Anglicize their first name and run for Governor of South Carolina.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Jews are OK because God said He'll fuck up the nations that aren't nice to them, and He won't come back until they all have nice apartments in Tel Aviv. They are still totally going to Hell, though.

Fare la Volpe February 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

Shorter Republican insiders: "You never go full retard."

BaldarTFlagass February 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

I, for one, will once again welcome our new Democratic overlords, and will hope against hope that they don't fuck it up again.

Barrelhse February 23, 2012 at 11:11 am

It's like being a Cubs fan, I suppose.

VaWyo February 23, 2012 at 11:30 am

They will because they have no backbone. But I suppose they are better. Although if they back away from birth control and abortion rights, I will no longer support them.

Puffperney February 23, 2012 at 11:35 pm

"…hope they don't fuck it up again." Me too, but, sadly…. "The triumph of hope over experience."

EatsBabyDingos February 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

Even the Governor of Vagina is re-thinking the "Anti-Sanity State Rape Act of 2012." Seventh sign of the Apocolypse, people.

Chichikovovich February 23, 2012 at 11:32 am

I like his explanation of backpedaling on his vow to sign the bill. "Well, we didn't realize how intrusive some of the procedures would be". Really? Because the intrusiveness of the procedure was a matter of loud debate for weeks.

Sorry, Gov. Forced-Birth, we're on to you, and one can only hope that even Republican women (but for those as fanatical as you, who are hopeless) get it at this point. You knew damn well how intrusive it was, as did all of your henchmen in the legislature. The reason you and your Luca Brazzi's pressed ahead despite the fact that opponents of the bill were bringing up the rapey quality of this bill is that you were pushing forward precisely because of it. That was the point. Don't play dumb now that the backlash is setting in hard.

EatsBabyDingos February 23, 2012 at 11:40 am

When he was running, he said he had moved from Pat Robertson's mindset over the last 20 years because he had three daughters. Wonder how they feel about state rape.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

The problem with your posts, Chich, is that they leave nothing more to be said.
Not that there's anything wrong with that…

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 2:18 pm

"For I am the Governor OF Vag-i-na!!" Someone should write new lyrics to the tune of my favorite Todd Rundgren song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shPb7uIf3Tg

ShaveTheWhales February 23, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Damn. I hadn't thought of that song for years.

EatsBabyDingos February 23, 2012 at 4:20 pm

That song should be played before every RNC debate!

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

Well it sucks to be you, Republicans! Meanwhile we'll just laugh at them.

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

HA-HA

-Nelson Muntz

x111e7thst February 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

Clearly what we need now is a war with Iran. That will bring out the national security voters from where they have been cowering under their beds and all will be well.

chicken_thief February 23, 2012 at 11:29 am

With some healthy tax cuts for corporations and the 1% to pay for said war, of course.

WhatTheHolyHeck February 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

Oh goody, 120 days of saccharine, patronizing truthiness about compassion again, to be followed by 120 more days of venomous, accusatory hyperbole running up to election day.

This is new and different.

Guppy February 23, 2012 at 11:34 am

When do we get to the frogs and locusts?

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

NEEDZ MOAR LEE GREENWOOD!

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 2:26 pm

It'll be more like only 120 minutes of that first bit.

ShaveTheWhales February 23, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Yeah, I suspect it's over already.

ManchuCandidate February 23, 2012 at 11:05 am

Repubs Realize Racist Rascal Rollover Attempt Reversal to Retard Repulsion.

DaRooster February 23, 2012 at 11:05 am

Randy "The Macho Man" Savage is Jesus?

"Brother!"

MissTaken February 23, 2012 at 11:11 am

TOO SOON!1!!

finallyhappy February 23, 2012 at 1:10 pm

I met him at the White House Easter Egg roll during the Clinton administration. I grabbed his arm and he shook me off.

KeepFnThatChicken February 23, 2012 at 11:05 am

Fuck Cantor, and fuck all those people on the dais. After the teabagger revolution of 2010, these assholes got exactly what they wanted. Fuck 'em.

hunnybee February 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm

my thought exactly

sewollef February 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

and mine…

But more importantly, the teabaggers aren't going away anytime soon. At least until they've cowed every single republican into submission on their agenda of returning the United States back to 1880.

Ken Layne February 23, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Nah, 1880 was 17 years after the Emancipation Proclamation.

Fare la Volpe February 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

It's one of those mythical creatures you read about in fairy tales; like a unicorn, or a bisexual.

LiveToServeYa February 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

Sorry, GOP, your cry of 'green balloons' comes too late. Whiny bitches.

DemmeFatale February 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

I love the smell of schadenfreude in the morning!

johnnyzhivago February 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

I hear Santorum is going to finish Kennedy's tunnel to the Vatican if he's elected.

Terry February 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

The Vatican is busy trying to refill the tunnel from their end. They have enough self-made problems without taking on Santorum.

Guppy February 23, 2012 at 11:36 am

Taking on Santorum isn't their problem.

LiveToServeYa February 23, 2012 at 11:22 am

If he succeeds, Santorum will explode into the Vatican. With comical results.

chicken_thief February 23, 2012 at 11:27 am

Santorum is surging in the bowels?!

Joshua Norton February 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

He’s just terrified because the Republicans are so full-tilt wacko this year that they’ll be lucky to keep “safe seats,” let alone a House majority.

They’re only 45 years behind the curve. In wingnut terms, that might as well be last week.

GunToting[Redacted] February 23, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Wingnuts measure their political evolution in geological timescales. This is ironic, because they recognize either.

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Completely flies in the face of the logic that led them to believe that the reason behind the defeats of 2006-2008 was that they weren't wingnutty enough.

Fare la Volpe February 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

The Republicans sure are Whigging out.

memzilla February 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

Especially the blah ones with Hispanic surnames.

paris biltong February 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

It seems to me that the Republican Party is fairly inclusive, seeing how it does not bar the mentally handicapped from membership or even higher office.

Chichikovovich February 23, 2012 at 11:34 am

Very true. Even people showing unmistakable signs of senile dementia are not only welcomed as presidents, but worshiped. Even taking the name in vain is proscribed.

DaSandman February 23, 2012 at 11:09 am

Every day I pray fervently for the Rapture so these assclowns become Jesus'e problem and the rest of us can be left to our recreational drugs, Downton Abby and in-the-street butt sex.

BaldarTFlagass February 23, 2012 at 11:12 am

Man, what street do you live on?

Lascauxcaveman February 23, 2012 at 11:29 am

Indiscreet Street.

James Michael Curley February 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through a Presidential campaign mister.

BaldarTFlagass February 23, 2012 at 11:11 am

Well, it's worked for me to this juncture.

Loaded_Pants February 23, 2012 at 11:25 am

Newt's got two out of three.

Barrelhse February 23, 2012 at 11:11 am

Somebody lash down all those loose canons crashing around the decks and smashing everything they contact, OK?

Guppy February 23, 2012 at 11:37 am

I'm not sure if that's a typo or a delicious pun.

Barrelhse February 23, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I'm VERY religious.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 23, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Me neither, but I'm gonna steal it. "Santorum's ship wrecked by loose canons."

hunnybee February 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm

good one!

gullywompr February 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

Just a phase, they'll grow out of it.

widestanceromance February 23, 2012 at 11:31 am

By noon.

Schmannnity February 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

When rat face Cantor is worried after spending a year busting Boener's balls for compromise, this will be very entertaining.

Tundra Grifter February 23, 2012 at 11:15 am

I don't think those Bird's Nest Hats for Men are going to catch on.

At least there's no bill so men can wear them backwards because they think it makes them look smarter.

Mumbletypeg February 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

“It’s important that voters see a Republican Party that is inclusive and is not exclusive,” Eric Cantor says.

The other also-ran's are missed greatly, Eric, I too wish they were not excluded. The she-candidate, the boots-struttin' hairdo-enhanced one, the self-made-millionaire hairdo-challenged one, and the pizza-hawking one~

Not displaced by exclusion, rather they've abandoned this cartoon collision-course to return to what they'd previously abandoned to participate in it. What you should worry about forever excluding, Cantankerous, is the simple math, which fundamentally consists of logic: how your party can have all the numbers in front of you, smudged by your inept fingers, and still prefer puzzling over them rather than going ahead and adding them up.

hunnybee February 23, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Cantankerous Cantor. fabulous. am promptly stealing. good one.

not that Dewey February 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

Can we see what it looks like with Huntsman and Perry again?

EDIT: further evidence that Politico was not having a moment of clarity:

Gingrich back on his game
By GINGER GIBSON | 2/23/12 8:53 AM EST
Staying above the fray, avoiding attacks and focusing on the issues pay off for him.

James Michael Curley February 23, 2012 at 11:44 am

We are truly in trouble when The Onion reads like the New York Times.

iburl February 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

"Republicans elected historic numbers of women and minorities to high office"
High office? You mean congress? hahahah! Historic numbers of minorities? You mean 2? hahaha!

Biel_ze_Bubba February 23, 2012 at 1:00 pm

You misread it. It's "hysterical numbers".

YasserArraFeck February 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

Looking at that pic above, what springs to mind is "WWJD……Who Would Jesus Demolish?", or the Sermon on the Mount couched as WWF trashtalking "Blessed are the Meek, 'cos they're gonna need some blessing after I bring the smackdown on their sorry meek asses!!!!"

chicken_thief February 23, 2012 at 11:25 am

“It’s important that voters see a Republican Party that is inclusive and is not exclusive,” Eric Cantor says.

Causing Boehner, McConnell, Ryan and others within earshot to spew coffee everywhere in their inability to contain their laughter at Eric's latest witticism.

chascates February 23, 2012 at 11:26 am

Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.

Blueb4sunrise February 23, 2012 at 11:27 am

Don't worry, there'll be a santorum of 'Barry Apologized to Musslinmens' in the near future.

hunnybee February 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

yep. what with the burning of the Korans in a military camp. not a good thing.

Schmannnity February 23, 2012 at 11:29 am

It's hard to depict the party of White trailer trash as exclusive.

Local_Mojo February 23, 2012 at 11:31 am

When they came for our Thin Mints, that's where they crossed the line.

BigDumbRedDog February 23, 2012 at 11:31 am

But, but, but … Fetuses! 911! Fetuses! 911! Aw fuck it.

weej_bain February 23, 2012 at 11:44 am

and that equals Rethugs spewing fear and loathing 24/7

DaRooster February 23, 2012 at 11:32 am

Too little too late you dumb bastards…

Data Exactly February 23, 2012 at 11:34 am

" Uhh, was Eric Cantor replaced by a human? "

That better be authentic Eric Cantor, or I'm drinking the wrong stuff!

BornInATrailer February 23, 2012 at 11:35 am

I'm assuming that pic is from some weird WWE promotion.

Generation[redacted] February 23, 2012 at 12:53 pm

"Can you smell what Santorum is cooking?"

prommie February 23, 2012 at 11:41 am

Its another Schiavo moment.

weej_bain February 23, 2012 at 11:44 am

And that leaves me really torqued.

Blueb4sunrise February 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

No need to repeat, she can't hear you.

Generation[redacted] February 23, 2012 at 12:53 pm

It's okay. I can explain everything with these shiny balloons.

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 11:52 am

So will Dr. Frist diagnose the GOP candidates as not brain dead over the video screen, even though they clearly are?

An_Outhouse February 23, 2012 at 11:41 am

"It’s important that voters see a Republican Party that is inclusive". It even accepts Jews, (if they're white southern men).

Loaded_Pants February 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm

And have the $$$$.

IceCreamEmpress February 23, 2012 at 3:14 pm

It's called the Judah Benjamin Outreach Program, I think.

MissTaken February 23, 2012 at 11:46 am

I'm starting to feel sorry for the GOP. All they want to do is alienate a few (actually most) Americans and those same Americans don't appreciate it. It's sad really.

Haha, who am I kidding? I LOVE it! Watching the GOP crash and burn is like watching a real life Ow My Balls. It's awesome!

SorosBot February 23, 2012 at 11:54 am

It's schadenfreuderiffic!

Chichikovovich February 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

Supercalifragilisticshadenfreudadocious!

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 3:05 pm

…Their whole wingnut clusterfuck
Is really quite atrocious.
People of their mental age
Can never sound precocious!
Supercalifragilisticshadenfreudadocious!

DemmeFatale February 23, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Shpehdoinkle!

(pre-Southpark Parker and Stone)

Blueb4sunrise February 23, 2012 at 11:47 am

Remember after 2008 there were couple GOP sites asking for input on how to recover from the shellacking. In our role as trolls on those sites, there were a lot of suggestions about inclusiveness, but also a lot of pushing them to double-down on the crazy. It seems that they took the latter advice.

James Michael Curley February 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

The wheel doesn't fall off the bus until all the loose wingnuts fall out.

Dashboard Buddha February 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

"Uhh, was Eric Cantor replaced by a human? "

If someone is driven to act like a human (note, I didn't say "become") by fears of political/financial catastrophe, they weren't human in the first place.

prommie February 23, 2012 at 11:52 am

Israel has the ability to decide who wins in November, by sparking something with Iran as an extra-special October Surprise. But those crazy corrupt warmongering Likudnicks would never do anything like that, thank goodness.

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 2:59 pm

You mean like South Ossetia?

Chichikovovich February 23, 2012 at 11:54 am

Ah, memories. It seems like only two years ago that the Republicans took the House by denouncing some picayune reduction in Medicare/Social Security (can't remember the precise details, too busy to look up) projected costs from improved efficiencies and howling it "Obama wants to Cut Social Security/Medicare seniors! Be afraid!!!!" plus they repeated "Jobs, jobs, jobs!" over and over again.

Then when they won, they immediately started prating on about Ryan's plan to "save Medicare" (in the sense that Rome "saved" Carthage after the last Punic war), started talking about cutting taxes on the top and (ahem) raising taxes on the poor and middle class. [Speaking Republican, that is, since letting a temporary tax cut expire has been, in Republicanese, a tax increase.] And, of course, doing nothing about jobs except attaching the word "jobs" to bills that have nothing to do with jobs. (Repeal the jobs-killing health care bill, end the jobs-killing failure to name the post office in East Buttsechs Arkansas after Reagan, officially rename the White House "the Jobs-Killing House, at 1600 Job-killing Avenue, Washington, District of Job-Killing" (Washington's name was spared the renaming, out of respect for his tireless fight against slavery)…).

Is it possible that you can only pull the bait and switch so many times before people catch on? (Especially if each time it becomes more and more egregious, being used to elect more and more lunatic, anger-management-challenged wackos?) I was beginning to despair, but maybe this time it's happening.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 3:09 pm

BTW, have you ever revealed your academic specialty? I hope not, it could one of the great Wonkette guessing games, like where on the sepia-toned Indiana Jones map FROTHY's people came from.

Chichikovovich February 23, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Raven Rant cajoled it out of me one sultry, languid candlelit Wonkette evening. I'm essentially a mathematician or theoretical computer scientist or very technical philosopher – people who do what I do end up in all of those departments in the university depending on what their other specialties and interests are – I teach mathematical logic.

[Edi: I'm glad I'm not the only one who has found FROTHY's Rubik's Cube background hard to solve.]

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I thought I had read that, but you also sound like a historian at times — and by that, I don't mean you've been married 3 times and want to be President.

FROTHY has already said he's not going to tell, and based on his rather vivid imagination, I don't know if I'd want the prize for guessing right!

Barrelhse February 23, 2012 at 11:59 am

Why are those guys in the picture dressed up like the Statue of Liberty?

thefrontpage February 23, 2012 at 12:05 pm

THE WHITE HOUSE
MEDIA OFFICE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Washington, D.C., Feb. 23, 2012–The White House announced today that Gloria Bella Steinzug, the national president of the Girl Scouts of America (GSA), has been nominated as the U.S. Surgeon General and the Main Women's Issues Adviser to the President at the White House. "I relish this opportunity to advance important health issues and the cause of the GSA, as well as a chance to work intimately with all of the lovely, beautiful women at the White House!!!" Steinzug said in a statement. "The president is allowing me to retain my GSA post, so I'll happily continue to work to advance the progressive, intelligent and forward-thinking agenda of the GSA."

# # #

VinnyThePooh February 23, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Well, GOTP, now that you finally got past the denial, what do you plan on doing to remedy the problem?

yyyaz February 23, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Easy, Vinny. These are conservatards , after all. When it has taken 32 years to even begin to see a glimmer of the error of their ways, it should be well into the next century before any remedy has been so thoroughly debated, flogged, killed, resurrected, pissed on, buried and raised from the dead again that it becomes policy.

Ducksworthy February 23, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Note to Eric Cantor: One of these days they're going to notice that you're a Joo. Although another war on behalf of Israel over weapons of mass destruction may help delay that realization.

Chichikovovich February 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

A Jewish friend of mine explained her loathing of Sarah Palin to a mutual friend by saying "The Jews have learned throughout history that whenever people go around saying there are some citizens of this country who are really our fellow countrymen (women) and there are others who are not, sooner or later the Jews end up among the "not"."

Generation[redacted] February 23, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Sarah Palin doesn't understand the objection. I mean, it's almost like your friend never attended Sunday school.

Ducksworthy February 23, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Hmm. Perhaps Eric Cantor really is the Clayton Bigsby of American Jewry.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 3:23 pm

They might want to mention this to Pam Geller one day at synagogue.

GOPCrusher February 23, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Heh, we're Americans. We have short memories. Republiklans can't understand why Muslims get twitchy when the leader of our country uses a term like "crusade", or why the blacks can't get over slavery since they've been freed since 1865.

MosesInvests February 23, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Jews get twitchy over the word "crusade", too. The "Holy Knights of the Cross" of the 1st and 2nd Crusades massacred thousands of Jews, mostly in the Rhineland, on the way to "liberating" the Holy Land. There are laments in the traditional Jewish liturgy today that date back to the First Crusade. We tend to think of Crusaders as Nazis with different-shaped crosses.

Eve8Apples February 23, 2012 at 12:19 pm

So they've done their polling and came to the stunning realization that American women really don't want a bunch of old white guys seizing control of their vaginas – - Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit!

proudgrampa February 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

The Republican insanity is getting so bizarre, I actually am getting a little more optimistic about President Obama's chances in November.

sati_demise February 23, 2012 at 12:58 pm

He was born under a lucky star or somethin'

Beowoof February 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I wonder if the voters in Cantor's district will remember his qualified offer of help after the Mineral, VA earthquake. Just another example of not bringing home the bacon. (Well in Can'tor's case maybe the beef fry.
http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/eric-cantor-no-f

Redhead February 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Did someone finally tell Cantor that just because teabaggers WEIGH as much as three people each doesn't mean they get to vote three times?

Nostrildamus February 23, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Meh. By 2014, we'll look back fondly on how moderate the 2012 GOP was.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 23, 2012 at 12:59 pm

“It’s important that voters see a Republican Party that is inclusive and is not exclusive,” Eric Cantor says.

NOT that the GOP should be inclusive … just that voters see it.
Thanks, Eric. We get it.

banana_bread February 23, 2012 at 1:00 pm

What sort of bizarro goatee/soul path abomination is Jesus wearing? Sheesh, no wonder there's a war on Christmas.

sati_demise February 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I dont think it is 'concern' as much as 'we looked at the polls and WTF? happened?'

People used to like us!
and now they don't so shut the hell up,
whatever we were talking about until after the election.

Just say 'booooo'. that is all.

mavenmaven February 23, 2012 at 1:04 pm

In other words, to be inclusive, they will nominate Michele Bachmann for the VP slot.

Soylent Green February 23, 2012 at 1:04 pm

The crazy train's been gaining momentum for 4 years now and you want to try to stop it? No effin' chance. CHOOOO-CHOOOOOOhahahahahahah!

chascates February 23, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Nothing sanctifies Christ's memory like chin butt facial hair.

BarackMyWorld February 23, 2012 at 1:26 pm

And why does this common reactionary cycle — one party consolidates power, other party motivates base because the Enemy has consolidated power — repeatedly get described by political pundits as evidence that “Americans like divided government”?

Oh, Junior, stop being so smart…

ttommyunger February 23, 2012 at 1:41 pm

RepubliKlans and the WingTards: like fucking a girl for five years and then finding out she was born with a dick. What to do, what to do?

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 3:26 pm

As I get older, I find myself sounding more and more like you, ttommy. Thank you for this horrifying vision of my future.

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 1:52 pm

The only minority votes they half-assed care about are Latinos, because of the population numbers. Black voters are a lost cause, and they are of course actively trying to suppress the black vote.

HateMachine February 23, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Yeah, due to demographics, Latinos and women are their main attraction there. So of course these two groups are the ones that the actual GOP platform is (arguably) the most actively hostile to.

It honest to fuck does not occur to these morons that doing things that potential voters would like is more effective than saying that people should just fucking vote for them, for no reason.

ShaveTheWhales February 23, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I think they're confused because the "base" have routinely voted against their own best economic and legal interests for thirty or fifty years now. Republican pols have trouble grasping the possibility that maybe not everyone is so stupid.

KeepFnThatChicken February 23, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Just like we can corral the Christians.

HAHAHAHA IT'S A JOKE WE CAN'T AND WE'RE DOOMED

Troglodeity February 23, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I have to question the decision to cast Patton Oswalt with Jim Caviezel in "Passion of the Christ 2."

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 3:27 pm

"…Damascus Boogaloo."

JimmyPete February 23, 2012 at 2:27 pm

When you have Rush pin the tail on the Dominican Child, as your leader what do you expect

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 3:17 pm

If both of you disappeared from the face of the earth, nobody would care.

WeHaveIssues February 23, 2012 at 3:22 pm

“It’s important that voters see a Republican Party that is inclusive and is not exclusive,” Eric Cantor says. <<< Gay's too? Eric, wink, wink…

valthemus February 23, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Since most voters have very short memories and there are voters who decide who they will vote for based on the headlines election day morning, sadly, conservatives actually have a chance of ditching their image as crackpot bible-thumping racist woman-haters. (Solely for the benefit of any right-wing supporters who think being a crackpot bible-thumping racist woman-hater is actually a bad thing. I'm assuming there are some.)

NamelessGenXer February 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Sick Rantorum.

poncho_pilot February 23, 2012 at 6:16 pm

i never really understood the appeal of professional Wrestling.

Designer_Rants February 23, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Uhh, was Eric Cantor replaced by a human?

Oh, that's just usually the last thing people say before he snatches their bodies.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: