Is it really already the last debate? Have there even been any before tonight? Wait, the intern telling us something… !!!… okay, so there have been about 20 debates! Thanks, intern. (You’re fired.) Well, this process has certainly made us a better nation. So let’s watch tonight’s CNN debate live from the gay Mexican firecracker hellscape of Arizona and type some nonsense about it.
8:00 — It being a CNN debate we have to sit through a full 47 minutes of “Next Week on CSI”-type briefer montages that humiliate the country, then candidate introductions, then some shitty song called “The Star Spangled Banner” that Mitt Romney always pretends to sing. John King says welcome! We’ve got old white gun nuts inside, old white gun nuts outside, old white gun nuts on stage. It’s going to be a banner night for illegal immigrants! (All of this happens while CNN plays this hilarious loop of a fake rock song that goes like “ENNNNGGHH… badaboom… ENNNGHH…badaboom”… okay, let’s save our energy.
8:04 — Ron Paul: “I am the champion of liberty.” *drops mic* (Why is he here?)
8:06 — Mitt Romney: “I want to restore America’s promise.” Why did the crowd applaud like mad for this useless fraud line? We sense a great presence of bused-in Mormons out there.
8:08 — Newt Gingrich: I’m Newt Gingrich and I won’t buttfuck the Saudi Arabian King if I’m president. (Fortunately he won’t be president, so he’ll be able to.)
8:10 — First question from an audience lady: What will you do about the debt! SMOKE BREAK.
8:11 — Mitt Romney is talking about repealing the Davis-Bacon Act! How the hell did this get in his first response for the night? WATCH YOUR BACK, WAGNER ACT.
8:12 — Rick Santorum, who voted to raise the debt ceiling a full 900 times during his years as a nasty dumb crook in the Senate, criticizes Mitt Romney for saying he would’ve raised the debt ceiling over the summer. Why wouldn’t you let the global economy crash forever for purely arbitrary reasons, Mittens?
8:13 — Rick Santorum regrets his No Child Left Behind yes vote because it “led to education spending.”
8:15 — Mitt Romney angrily notes that Rick Santorum is giving misleading attack lines. Neat…o…. blech ugh. Let’s just share our favorite niche porn instead of watching this.
8:17 — Ron Paul just called Rick Santorum a “fake” and is now giving a brief rambling history of the last 70 years as seen through his eyes. Oh, foreign aid! Wow why did they let Ron Paul just talk for 7 days?
8:19 — Ron Paul is flapping his weird old limp wrists all up in Rick Santorum’s face without even knowing it, ha ha. He can’t move voluntarily.
8:21 — Mitt Romney, you called yourself a “severely conservative” governor at CPAC. Would you care to comment on this most comically pathetic thing anyone’s ever said? Mitt Romney is telling us that he has run a business. If you can’t balance a budget in the private sector, he tells us for the third time tonight already, then you go out of business. (If you’re in a real pickle you can just extract an extra few dozen million in fees from the American Pad & Paper Company though, without doing any actual work). Mitt Romney has worked in the private sector, he notes.
8:24 — Newt Gingrich was asked a simple question and responded that we need to completely redefine the way we think about civilization and governance and humanity. No shit, Newt.
8:26 — Rick Santorum is proudly defending the ludicrously expensive military aircraft he saved with his long history of constant earmarks.
8:27 — “You voted for the Bridge to Nowhere” says Mitt Romney to Rick Santorum. Potent! God, what a fucking fraud. (I forget which one I’m talking about, too, maybe Wolf Blitzer.)
8:28 — Oh my God.
8:29 — Oh my God all of you! The crowd is booing out of confusion, they’re all talking over each other, Mitt Romney is contrasting the Olympics with the Bridge to Nowhere, Newt Gingrich is whining about not getting speaking time. There’s no order! Chaos! Chaos, boos, fire, chemtrails, sex, murder, heat!
8:32 — Ron Paul and Rick Santorum have totally legitimate defenses of earmarks, by the way. The crowd boos, for earmarks, which have been adding a whole $0 to total federal spending for some years now.
8:35 — Mitt Romney, great hero business monster of American politics, is explaining how he got the auto bailout completely wrong. (He phrases this differently.)
8:37 — You can tell that the auto bailout did truly piss off Mitt Romney, not merely in his typical “pretend to have any emotion” way. He was morally offended that Chrysler’s secured creditors at big bank vulture funds were asked to take a loss instead of getting paid off in full during the bankruptcy process. This is the sort of thing, maybe the only thing, that genuinely disgusts Mitt Romney.
8:44 — Ooh the first commercial break… and… ***DING DING DING “DELIST MEK” AD*** Drink a bottle of lead paint.
8:46 — A birth control question! The crowd loudly boos. Mitt Romney says hey, look what you did, John King. Newt Gingrich asks why the “elite media” never asked Barack Obama ABOUT HIS SUPPORT FOR INFANTICIDE during the 2008 election. Ugh. Sadly — very sadly — your Wonkette does remember the “elite media” asking him about this completely made-up vomit smear during that campaign.
8:49 — Rick Santorum, why do you hate sex? Rick Santorum: Well I was just reading Charles Murray’s new book… He may have said something after that, but it’s already an understandable answer.
8:50 — “NO, everything’s NOT going to be fine!” — Rick Santorum
8:51 — Ron Paul is a doctor so he has heard of The Pill.
8:52 — Romney: We need to teach The Liberals that parents are a good thing. Get the kids out of their community-raised apricot dildo farms & Marxist schoolhouses already.
8:55 — A BRIEF SUMMARY OF THIS SECTION: Two-parent married households are the key to success. Why can’t poor people fucking realize this and just do it?
8:57 — Rick Santorum confesses: He has voted for a bill before. Ron Paul just shakes his head.
8:58 — Mitt Romney: Rick, I was just watching you on the YouTubes saying you hate contraception. Do you know any good cat/lego/robot YouTubes?
9:00 — Mitt Romney is poorly discussing the differences between MittensCare and ObamaCare. There are none. When is the debate over? Oh, now Mitt Romney is hitting Santorum for his endorsement of Arlen Specter in 2004. Is this really such a thing? We highly doubt that Mitt Romney in 2004 was terrified of Arlen Specter for being too liberal.
9:01 — Mittens just clapped in Rick Santorum’s face, out of awkwardness.
9:06 — Mexicans!
9:07 — Rick Perry’s in the crowd! What courage for him; we didn’t think he’d be able to watch another debate for the rest of his life. Rick stop putting tacks on your wife’s seat! Rick! (Onstage: Newt Gingrich is being a fat dick.)
9:09 — And there’s Sheriff Joe in the crowd, looking like a total creep. Mitt Romney: Would you allow the filthy Mexicans to “self-deport,” or would you capture them and make them slaves like Joe Arpaio does? Mitt Romney would have an “EZ-PASS system” so people can self-deport without sitting through toll lines. “E-VERIFY,” that’s it. Not saying anything but just saying… EZ-PASS would’ve been a much cooler immigration plan.
9:12 — Question: Why are you all racist against white Marco Rubio?
9:18 — Dumb Internet question! Define yourself in one word, NOT TWO, NOT THREE. Paul: Bwahhh, Santorum: Poopcum, Romney: Lasers, Newt: Cookies.
9:22 — Gingrich is asked whether he thinks women should be able to serve in the front lines of The Wars, responds with a warning that a major American city could be nuked at any moment.
9:24 — They all say they’d listen to the advice of military people before allowing vaginas to serve on the front lines. What if the military people are okay with it? Then… stone… female soldiers… to death? Sure.
9:25 — Oh fuck, here we go with the Iran War portion. “It’s a pressing question at the moment,” notes twatwaffle John King. Why do you say that, John?
9:27 — John King is the worst broadcaster on all of television. We never thought we’d see a television personality pushing to make the Republican presidential candidates more hawkish on Iran, but here he is, asking for their invasion blueprints.
9:30 — Rick Santorum says he has been “on the trail of Iran” for eight years and wrote a bill about it “in 2008,” just a year or two after his humiliating defeat to flat cyborg Bob Casey. Has Rick Santorum been playing pretend-Senator in his dollhouse since his loss? And if so, can we join?
9:32 — Ron Paul is doing his thing where he’s the most rational politician in the country on Iran and Middle East policy in general, and mostly getting booed. Maybe our constant talk of nuking Iran is making the Iranians defensive and hindering progress? Boo fuck off!
9:34 — Wow, these guys just have nothing to talk about. They’re criticizing Obama for not doing all the things that he’s been doing re: Iran and Syria.
9:42 — Mitt Romney brags about his record of bringing Massachusetts to #1 in national education rankings from its lowly nadir of #1.
9:44 — If any of these fine souls ever gets to be president, ever child in the country will be homeschooled. Social progress!
9:45 — Ron Paul: Uguguuguguhhh no education ever bwah BWAHHH hhehhhh.
9:50 — Ten more minutes. What does idiot John King want to ask about Iranian wars this time? “What is the biggest misconception about you” right now? THAT WE DON’T CARE, JOHN. That we don’t care.
9:51 — Ron Paul: Oh, I don’t know, probably how the entire media and political establishment and most of my party and the American people think I’m a radical fucking minarchist lunatic from Space. It’s not true, John.
9;52 — Newt Gingrich: That I’m not Jesus + Zeus combined. I am, John.
9:53 — Mitt Romney: [gives stump speech]; John King: Biggest misconception was the question, Mittens; Romney: Rot in Hell, John, [resumes stump speech].
9:54 — Rick Santorum: That I can’t win since I have no money and no one likes me because I’m a whiny, grating washed-up bore. My mommy thinks I’m cool, John.
9:56 — Hey ho whoa hey, it’s over baby! Rick Santorum just ripped Ron Paul’s arm out of its socket.
Anyway thanks for showing up, to this, the last debate liveblog (until they schedule another emergency debate about nothing). Who won? Barack Obama won! Ha ha ha, ha… man is that post-debate joke old and unfunny. Hitler won, goodnight.