Are you one of those humans who watches the Super Bowl “for the commercials,” which are always uniformly terrible? This is why those of us who live in Washington watch presidential debates! Oh the interest groups, they love buying DC ad time during hilarious presidential debates. There’s usually an Israel Project/AIPAC thing about how scared we’d feel if Maryland or Virginia wanted to nuke its neighbor, an energy trade group’s spiel about how we need to blast water at underground rocks, a Pete Peterson Institute series in which smarmy elementary school children explain why we need to dismantle Social Security, and others. The best, though, is this cheap sketchy one from lobbyists who are trying to get the exiled-Iranian terrorist group MEK taken off the State Department’s official list of terrorist groups, for the sole reason that MEK doesn’t like the current Iranian government either. Why is this always on the TV?

MEK is a traditionally Marxist guerilla warfare group committed to overthrowing the Republic of Iran. Since the United States government would like to see the Republic of Iran overthrown as well, it’s become a top goal for rich establishment hawks to have MEK taken off the list despite its love of terrorism. The backers of this have put together an unusual coalition of politicos to advocate for the cause — all of the Bush administration people, for example, as well as fucking Howard Dean. They all go to big MEK rallies around the world, pledging their solidarity! This may be (absolutely 100% is) considered “providing material support to a terrorist group” — on TV — which is a rather serious criminal violation. No one gets prosecuted, of course. That would be crass!

Those of us who think it’s funny that television ads featuring prominent American politicians pleading for an Iranian Marxist guerilla squad to be stricken from the official list of terrorist groups are such dumb whiners, though, according to an anger bear at the National Review. Haven’t we heard of The Market? Freedom of speech? Why do we hate America? and so on. Here’s the National Review addressing a column from FT’s Edward Luce, who also thinks these Delist MEK ads are a bit odd:

Yet even more incomprehensibly, Luce then notes that at the upcoming Republican presidential debate, there likely will be televised commercials calling for the delisting of Iran’s armed opposition group from lists of terrorist groups. Not only does this have nothing to do with the issue at hand, does Mr. Luce think the commercials are being paid for by the GOP? If not, then what’s his beef with the free market — whoever can afford a commerical can buy it. Just ask SEIU, which kept up a constant barrage in favor of Obamacare last year.

The Free Market, SEIU: Exactly. Then again, what the fuck? We’d like to see how Al Qaeda or Al Qaeda Arabian Peninsula or the TTP or Al Shabaab, or any other of the many official terrorist groups who don’t happen to direct their terrorism at the Iranian regime, fare when their DC lobbyists try to buy friendly ad time during a presidential debate. We assume it would be no problem, because of the Free Market, right? Whoever can afford a commercial can buy it, as the angry man wrote.

Then again, since all it takes is one Muslim person halfway around the world writing a tweet supportive of the Taliban to get Joe Lieberman et al. on the phone with Twitter senior executives demanding the elimination and future censorship of all such tweets, it is unlikely that we’ll ever see pro-Al Qaeda ads air on the free television advertisement market.

In related news, here’s Tucker Carlson suggesting that the United States is “the only country with the moral authority” to carpet bomb the shit out of Iran for whatever reason. “Iran deserves to be annihilated,” he just kind of says, casually, not really worried about it.

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  • teebob2000

    Anything featuring John Bolton should be immediately expunged from existence.

    Including John Bolton's house whilst he's sleeping therein.

    • Lascauxcaveman


    • Negropolis

      *These views are the views of teebob2000, alone. Also. Too. Please don't hurt us DofHS/FBI.

  • jus_wonderin

    Yeah, Tucker, 'cuz it's all the fault of the Iranian people…not the fucked up government. Kill more browns should be the Republican's bumpersticker.

    • I thought it wuz.

      • Z! I knew it was you!

        • Heyo! It sure is. Like my new outfit?


          • Veeeery sexy!

          • Haha. Ew. You're sicker than I thought.

            Let's see if it brings down Santorum! Er … no, that's not what I meant.

            Never mind.

  • Joshua Norton

    Tucker Carlson suggesting that the United States is “the only country with the moral authority” to carpet bomb the shit out of Iran for whatever reason. “Iran deserves to be annihilated,” he just kind of says, casually, not really worried about it.

    Is that a list of what he wants to do to Iran or is Tucker
    telling us what he just jerked off to?

    • iburl

      The man wore a bow tie for years on end, so obviously he masturbates to videos of mushroom clouds.

  • UnholyMoses


    Now, not only will many want to shoot themselves in an effort to stop the stupidity from rotting their brains during the debates, the commercials will scare them so much they'll romney themselves.

    • Dood, "romney themselves" is redundant, dood. They just plain ol' romney.

      Are they just getting to the point of full-out KRAYKRAY or what?

  • slithytoves

    Wait, what am I supposed to feel about any of that? I'm on my way out of work to pick up booze for the debate and I don't have time to read it.

    Rum or tequila?

    • Callyson

      All of 'em, Katie.

    • GOPCrusher

      Mixed drinks! Don't forget the ice.

    • Rum. Tequila, that shit'll fuck you up, man.

      • slithytoves

        And your point is?

    • 102415

      Rum and tequila is great with a splash of RC Cola and the leftovers from a couple of Juicy Juice boxes. I'll find some Juicy Juice boxes and be right over. You watch the debates and I'll play Words With Friends.

      • slithytoves

        Get on over – gotta start soon!

        • 102415


    • HogeyeGrex

      Pretty much any tequila that's not all agave is half cheap rum anyway, so…

  • Tucker Carlson wants to annihalate Iran so he can get drunk and deadhorse it.
    he's America's herpes sore.

    • 102415

      He is the Earth's herpes sore.

  • Callyson

    MEK is a traditionally Marxist guerilla warfare group
    "He's a son of a bitch, isn't he?"
    "Yes, sir, but he's our son of a bitch."
    Yeah–that'll turn out well…

    • GOPCrusher

      Worked out well with the Mujahadeen. What could possibly go wrong?

      • 102415

        They never ever learn.

  • SorosBot

    Yep, an entire country and all its' people deserves to be annihilated just because we don't like their leaders; who the majority of the people they rule over tyrannically don't like like either. How the fuck does anyone cede the right-wing moral authority when they are such evil, nasty people?

    • smoothmineral

      Easy, because they are only evil and nasty to the ayrabs…and the blahs…and the gays…and the poors…well you know, only to those people.

    • real_dc_native

      "right-wing moral authority" is that like "military intelligence"?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Right-Wing Moral Authority COMES from being evil and nasty.

    • UnholyMoses

      Feature, not bug.

      Besides, it's all about claiming you love Jesus. It's like some sort of "Get Out of Being A Hate-Filled Fucknugget Who Ignores Those Commandments You Claim Should Be In Front of Every Courthouse Due To Calling For the Death of Everyone Not Like You Free" card.

      Or something.

      Whatever it is, folks are starting to wake up to it, and while there will always be their kind with us, the key is to reduce their power to the point of impotence.

      Just wish I knew how …

  • edgydrifter

    Whenever you see Bolton and Giuliani smiling at the same time, you're about to get fucked, robbed or both.

  • You would think that after our '80s Anti-Soviet friends in the Taliban turned on us, we'd realize we suck at this "enemy of my enemy" thing.

    • SorosBot

      Or the whole thing with our other good friend against the Iranians, Saddam Hussein.

      • And what about that pineapple-faced Panamanian strongman? No, not McCain…

        • Chichikovovich

          And let's not forget supporting Pol Pot, because the Khmer Rouge hated the Vietnamese even more than we did. So how could they possibly be bad?

    • Lucidamente1

      I love the smell of blowback in the morning.

    • rickmaci

      I miss the good old days when we could get 3rd rate dictators to do our dirty work for us.

  • Come here a minute

    If MEK doesn't use talking dogs, nobody's going to watch their stupid commercial anyway.

    • GOPCrusher


    • "What's his name?"
      " 'Nuke Iran' ".

    • 102415

      I hope this is not puppy bowl libel.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I always was fond of the MEK duck or lizard.

    • Negropolis

      Talking babies are still in vogue, though.

      **shakes fist violently at the E-trade baby**

  • Exhausted66

    Thank you for not budging on this.

    Wait, what?

  • sezme

    FuckerTucker is right. Before annihilating Iran, we should take a moment to think of the children price of energy! That brief pause we take before hitting the red button is what's known as "moral authority".

    • Swampgas_Man

      And hitting it anyway is what's known as "Republicanism".

      • Generation[redacted]

        That's when you stop and ask yourself, "Am I moral and decent enough to do this? Yes. Yes I am."

  • also, under "hegemony" one might find US/UK's overthrow of Iran's democratically-elected government in 1953.

    that's not taught in schools – probably cuz of fucking libruls or something.

  • "Do non-white people deserve to walk on this earth, Tucker? Except for the Jews, of course."

    "Well, I know you're kidding, but…"

    "I'm not kidding!! Jews are not white!!"

  • widestanceromance

    Couldn't Tucker and his friends just rough it up in a bar bathroom?

    • Beowoof

      Well Tucker could provide needed relief in the Men's Room for the pent up aggression held by the Iranians.

      • widestanceromance

        My stance is plenty wide enough for pent-up Iranian aggression, so I'll just take care of that personally, thanks.

    • Didn't they try that once already? Bashing the shit out of some gay dood. Or, more likely, fantasizing about how they would bash the shit out of some seriously muscled leather daddy in the john.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I think the E-Trade baby needs to be put on a terrorist watch list!12

    • How about we just put that bowtie-wearing hapless fuck on the floor and stomp his bollards repeatedly?

  • Beowoof

    We American's have experience in overthrowing the government of Iran. And it worked out so well for us the last time we did it; no even remembered it was us.

    • real_dc_native

      Worked out so well in Chile too!

  • MEK??? Methyl ethyl ketone?? Are they huffing? And not that other site Huffpoo.

  • WiscDad

    What about the awful Al Bundies

    • Barrelhse

      The Bundies' mother saved all the umbilicals from her children and used them to make a Bundie cord.

  • tihond

    Yet they won't run my ad demanding they bring back Arrested Development. Fuckers.

  • paris biltong

    MEK? Meh. The People's Mujaheedins are a bunch of opportunistic power seekers. They were at one time BFF with Khomeini and later with Saddam, which puts all of their American supporters in good company.

    • PapistRadical

      Well they had the excuse of allying with Khomeini in 1979, along with a lot of secularists, liberal, and socialist Persian, that there was still a realistic chance of creating a progressive democracy in the struggle against the abominable Shah. And it should be remembered they were among those who struggled in 1980-81 against the Islamist hijacking of the revolution . Fighting against their own people in Saddam's war of aggression, though, certainly marked the turn towards becoming a glorified mercenary band.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I didn't realize it took moral authority to wipe out a nation and its millions of innocent inhabitants — it must be sort of like that idealism that compelled Dubya, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Feith and Rumsfeld to destroy Iraq in the hopes that a beautiful burgeoning liberal democracy would suddenly spring up out of its ashes.

    • Antispandex

      Yes, we're trying something new here.

    • Didn't that happen, though? That one time in history?

      • Generation[redacted]

        It's the general rule that it does happen that way. When it doesn't… it's the liberals' fault.

        • Gadz, I hate these despicable, wretched little creatures so much.

  • Dashboard Shmoo

    They may be blood sucking, goat fucking terrorists…but they're OUR blood sucking goat fucking terrorists.

    …until they gain power and turn against us.

    • I think I finally figured out why you went from Buddha to Shmoo.

      • Dashboard Shmoo

        Do tell.

        • You're hoping for a blow job, who isn't?

          • Dashboard Shmoo

            good eye

    • Negropolis

      You got to war with the terrorists you have, I guess, and not the ones you hope to have.

  • MinAgain

    Carpet-bombing the shit out of Iran = $10/gallon gasoline.

    I'm just saying.

    • Beowoof

      Exxon/Mobil is on board.

    • real_dc_native

      Sounds like a win-win!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Could have unintended consequences. Like a bunch of old classmates from my hometown of Redneckistan filling up my Facebook with a lot of whining about their trucks.

  • Beowoof

    They could could show this as a commercial. Mickey Mouse selling Islamic Supremacy,

  • WiscDad

    Is that Col. Potter in the pic?

    • Third from the left, bottom row? Yeah, I think it is!

    • Generation[redacted]

      horse hockey!

      • Hell's bells!

        • Gunner Asch

          The bells of hell go ting-a-ling-a-ling
          For thee but not for me

  • V572 Flambé

    CH3C(O)CH2CH3 libel! There's nothing better than methyl-ethel ketone for welding plastic pieces together.

    Sorry the subscript code doesn't work here; all those numbers should be subscripted.

    • Well there is the old huffing standby toluene, but Testor put mustard in the mix.

    • V572 Flambé

      Here we go:


      Typographile tip: Insert-Symbol in MS Word contains many ᾪᾮᾤ.

    • Barrelhse

      Chem. 'humor'!!!!

    • Veritas78

      Snorting MEK in the plastics fumehood — man, those were the days! That stuff was amazing. It dissolved silkscreen gels in seconds, and just about everything else. Plus, happytime!

      Too bad that every single person who worked there full-time ended up killing themselves. Oops! Who knew?

      Oh, no — I haz a sad (uh oh).

  • Nostrildamus

    OMG, they've kidnapped Tucker Carlson and replaced him with a bow-tieless android!

  • coolhandnuke

    Erectile dysfunction, guns and ammo, golf courses, gold futures, cabana boys for rent, anger management classes, abortionplexes to firebomb and any ad with Wilfred Brimley should be the standard advertising menu for the debates.

    • GOPCrusher


    • You just described "The Villages!"

      • I didn't see *gonorrhea* on that list.

    • Barrelhse

      And Deuces and one-eyed Jacks.

  • Guppy

    List Saudi Arabia

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Possibly ads for this upcoming event.

  • PhilippePetain

    Hey, I know, let's sell Tucker getting tarred and feathered on eBay! Nope, Sorry Tuck! Free market! Gotta let it happen!

    F U C K I N G I D I OT

    • Not fair, man. You got my hopes up for nuffink.

  • Rotundo_

    Once again the neoconservative genius in foreign policy pops up to remind us of the good times when these folks were in charge before. If the sight of Bolton and Giuliani don't send a few quick cold shivers up and down your spine, you must've been drunk at the time.

  • YouBetcha

    I don't think there's any problem with marching into a sovereign nation and bombing the shit out of millions of civilians whose biggest crime was existing under an oppressive regime. Since we have all this money laying around, plus it worked out so well last time. Ten years and several hundred trillion dollars from now, we'll be looking back at this moment and saying, "That was a really good idea."

  • Antispandex

    "What Strange Terrorist Ads Will Air During Tonight’s Debate?"

    Santorum for Prezinit? Santorum Sandwhich Cookies? Something with Santorum in it, you can bet.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Can we get a transvaginal ultrasound for ol' Tucker? You have to have a heartbeat to have a heart, and I figure his is on the zygote side of the size equation.

    • We'll have to make him a vagina first, tho. Eww. Sticky.

      • We'd have to fly him to Thailand. Could get expensive.

        • Nah, we can do it ourselves.

  • Well, of COURSE Fucker Carlson doesn't really worry about Iran being bombed! Those Iranians are BROWNZ! I mean, how would we know our DOD weaponry was working right if we didn't have someone to, you know, PRACTICE it on? Besides, those BROWNZ all deserve annihilation anyway.

    Hey, have you guys seen the latest Latino outreach efforts in the Republican party? I don't get why people aren't responding better, man. These people sure are bigots.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Why does Forrest Gump want to de-list MEK?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Because life is like a box of car bombs. You never know what yer gonna git.

  • GOPCrusher

    Is that Howard Dean between Tom Ridge and Gulliani?

    • BarackMyWorld

      I think I spot Bill Richardson in the upper left corner, too…and Mike Gravel on the bottom, third from the right?

      • Negropolis

        So, pretty much all of the second and third tier perennial candidates for the presidency, right?

  • For the record, Think Progress reports that Fucker Carhorn has walked it back:

    Tucker Carlson emails Glenn Greenwald:

    It’s my fault that I got tongue tied and didn’t explain myself well last night. I’m actually on the opposite side on the Iran question from many people I otherwise agree with. I think attacking could be a disaster for the US and am worried that Obama will do it, for fear of seeming weak before an election. Of course the Iranian government is awful and deserves to be crushed. But I’m not persuaded we or Israel could do it in a way that doesn’t cause even greater problems. That’s the main lesson of Iraq it seems to me.

    That’s my sincere view, but I’d rather take some lumps and be misunderstood than seem like I’m reversing myself due to pressure from Twitter.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      That's hilarious. GG has more of course. Maybe Tucker meant Anniehallation, where they all must wear floppy hats, and button-down shirts with ties.

    • No, of course not, because FUCKER Carlson would never succumb to pressure from teh Twitterz. Dumb prick, who the FUCK does he think he's kidding?

    • Yup.

  • PrimlyStable

    Meh. Peter King spent decades soliciting financial and political support for a terrorist group that regularly blew up soldiers, police officers and civilians of all ages, and HE got to be on the House Committee on Intelligence.

    I assume the committee is dedicated to finding his.

  • Isn't it ironic that a bunch of D-listers are supporting this shit?

    • bagofmice

      Don't you think?

    • Negropolis

      Not ironic at all.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I always listen to cartoon ads that have 15 white guys and a chick. Kinda like "Snow White meets Snow Job, America Doesn't Get a Blow Job." Its the story of my life.

  • arihaya

    Thanks to Tucker, today's enlistment for Iranian Revolutionary Guard increased by 460%

  • Numbat_Dundee

    What has this Tucker Carlson fellow got against Persian carpets? Why does he want to bomb them? I'm confused.

    • CHUDster_Arthur

      "Annihilate" is the new street speak for "the bomb", and Tucker is always keenly abreast of the latest slang. He was paying Iran compliment.

    • ElPinche

      Tucker isn't a rug man, he's more of a taint man.

  • BarackMyWorld

    In Tucker's defense, since he said it on Fox News' "Red Eye" he assumed no one was paying attention.

  • Chichikovovich

    The U.S. is] the only country that doesn’t seek hegemony in the world.

    There's so much that's morally corrupt about Tucker's claims that it's easy to overlook the part that is merely sheer lunacy. This is the Inversion Zone, where contact with reality is not merely absent, but polarized into Anti-Reality, where life-giving snark itself lacks all effect.

    • doloras

      You can't seek what you already have.

    • Negropolis

      I'm going to have to remember "anti-reality."

  • BarackMyWorld

    So…did Kathy Griffin's "My Life on the De-List" move to CNN?

  • Barrelhse

    Jesus Christ, these people are actually insane.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I hate to break it to you, but this "world" you live "in" is just a giant floating rock inhabited by psychotic apes.

    • And you thought I was kidding when I said that.

  • 102415

    The only ad I want to watch is the wonkette ad with the scary blingees.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      I want the latest PETA ad here for the debate.

  • ElPinche

    Lord almighty..that top pic is jammed packed with assholes. It's killing my buzz, bitches!!

  • rickmaci

    I haven't started drinking or listening to the GOTP debates and this article has my head spinning. Do I have this correct, the TeaTards new favorite terrorist group is the MEK, an Islamist Marxist organization with a history of killing American military and government officials? Somebody please take the koolaid away, they are really scaring me now.

  • MinAgain

    There’s usually an Israel Project/AIPAC thing about how scared we’d feel if Maryland or Virginia wanted to nuke its neighbor

    Are we talking about Pennsylvania, home of Rick Santorum? Cause I'm kinda okay with that.

  • Barrelhse
    • C_R_Eature

      That looks like fun. Perhaps I'll watch this sad travesty tonight after all.

      • Barrelhse

        Yeah, I thought that looked interesting. I suspect a "technical problem" will scramble the ad.

        • C_R_Eature

          "This is a test. For the next 60 seconds this station will be conducting a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test." BOOOOOOOOP!

          Something like that?

  • BlueStateLibel

    Violating a federal law in order to try to overturn a federal law – only in America!

  • owhatever

    Tucker Carlson, a seasoned combat officer who carried out the bin Laden raid with his buddies on Seal Team 6, knows war. Oh, that wasn't Tucker? He's just another talking head trying to fill up the Fox day…and is full of both himself and crap.

  • Barrelhse

    42 minutes to go!!! Bar all set up?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else thought he had the moral authority to carpet bomb?

    • HistoriCat

      Lyndon Johnson?

  • ttommyunger

    Iran? Sure, why not, everything Stateside is hunky-dory, right? Nothing to see here, folks.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, it does this American's heart good to know that a person like Tucker Carlson, raised among the elites of D.C., and who has managed to make a living by sucking up and repeating whatever random shit is spewed at him by other Conservatives has the courage to be willing to send our brave soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines to die in some God forsaken place for no other reason than it makes-up for him having worn bow ties for most of his life.

    What a country!

  • chascates

    I just want to see Satan run onto the stage and turn Santorum into a puddle of santorum.

    • I am willing to suspend my disbelief in all things supernatural for just long enough to witness this no doubt amusing scene.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I thought they cancelled this fucking abortion.

  • Barrelhse

    Live blog of debate, humorous take.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    If these Neo-Cons really cared about MEK they'd just shut the Hell up and work quietly behind the scenes exclusively. All those putrifying theocrats need to discredit MEK completely is to point to their American supporters and their public stance here. That's the kiss of death on the streets of Tehran. The WORST thing we can do to any Iranian opposition is support it publically.
    And when the @&%! did Howard Dean turn into "Scoop" Jackson?

    • Negropolis

      How about we stop this policy of "any stick to beat a horse"? How about we not be supporting islamic marxists? How about that if we're to be involved at all, publically or behind the scenes, we attach ourselves to something a bit more savory and that will pay bigger, positive dividends later on?

  • DahBoner

    Depends, Fake Rape test kits, mail order Glocks and one of those Venus fly plants…

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