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Important Website Now Lets You Turn Dead Mormons Into Gay Dead Mormons

It was very exciting to learn that the young Mitt Romney maybe baptized the sad ghosts of Jewish victims of the Nazi Holocaust, to turn them into followers of Mitt’s folk religion. Who knew Mitt ever did anything but the kind of vicious 1% capitalism that ruins the lives of countless Americans?

Well now, thanks to the Internet (again!), there is a new “web app” that lets you easily turn all Dead Mormons into homosexuals. Dead Mormon homosexuals, we assume, unless there’s some fine print/privacy policy thing on the bottom of the web page that explains in dense legal terminology how the Dead Mormon Homosexuals will then Rise Up From Their Graves and commit deep crimes against the Living … oh god, that’s how Romney’s going to become president, isn’t it? OH GOD. [Gay Mormon Zapper Website]

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  1. Clancy_Pants

    I thought it would be fun to submit all the names of Josephs Smith's wives.. Figured they'd probably had to turn gay anyway to survive his ignoring them most of the time. Unfortunately I had to stop at 25 when the boss stuck his head in and asked what I was doing.

    1. FROTHY

      I am really sorry to hear that. I hope the boss goes home sick in a bout five minutes and leaves you in peace to these so much more important tasks.

  2. edgydrifter

    Actually, since the LDS church would rather all the gays be dead anyway, this works on many levels.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Or maybe it's the other way around: It's OK for a Mormon to be gay, after they're dead.

      It just logically follows, if you're ruling over your own paradise-planet, you get to make up all the rules. Even gay ones.

      1. FROTHY

        No, even after death you can't be gay, because you have to repopulate the planet that you become god of. So you get like 200 wives and you have to keep them all permapreggers. That sound gay to you?

  3. bumfug

    This is fun; I just did Brigham Young! Well, OK, I didn't DO Brigham Young, that would be fucking sick. But you know what I mean.

    1. Nostrildamus

      Necrophilia is not something I normally endorse, but I think it would be OK in this case. Have at it. Let us know how it goes.

  4. mrsbitch

    I get dibs on all the Westboro clan!! They aren't Mormon, but as long as I'm making them gay I might as well go whole hog.

  5. TheMightyHaltor

    What happens if you gay-ify a dead Mormon who was in the closet? Does the process just out them, or does it flip them to hetero?

    1. Dashboard Shmoo

      I bet so many people plugged in his name that his ghost is going to show up at the next debate and just start stone balling Newt (Squeal like a pig, boy!). It would be gross and horrible, and I would love to see that.

  6. VaWyo

    This is a great idea. With our help, we can turn all the dead wives gay and then the priesthood holders will have no one to have sex with on their eternal family planet.

  7. jus_wonderin

    I convert three. I figured I better go slow. And, well, there is no incentive like a toaster to recruit/convert folks to the ghey. Slowly, I turn……………………

  8. MissTaken

    Congratulations to Jennifer White, Peter Burnett, and Michelle Hernandez on your new Gay Dead Mormon status. Mazel Tov!

    1. CthuNHu

      I did that before even seeing your post.

      Rest in rainbow-colored bacon-scented peace, Seamus Romney, you were truly the best of them. By a long shot.

  9. RedneckMuslin

    Oops! I thought it said Morons, so I entered Sarah Palin. She's gay now…..and still brain dead.

  10. prommie

    Newell, its my idea, but I'll go halfsies with you; lets start a website where you can posthumously enlist people in the Communist Party and issue them CPUSA membership cards!

      1. prommie

        In "Another Roadside Attraction," there was a character named "Marx Marvelous." He took that name because the two things the average 100% Amurrican male hates the most in the world are commies, and homos, the "Marx" part is obvious, and he chose "Marvelous" because it is a word no straight man has ever used, in the history of the world.

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But, if you make a dead Mormon Gay who only became Mormon when she or he was "baptized" after dying, wouldn't that bring him or her back to life?

  12. MinAgain

    We need to think about this. Do Mormons believe in resurrection? 'Cause I'm not so sure I want a lot of gay Osmond zombies running around the country.

      1. Shellwith2Ls

        Okay, I noticed that one actor in that movie is named Lowell Deo. When I clicked on his name, his bio said that he was a commentator on Fox News. Oh really?

  13. gurukalehuru

    I am laughing my ass off, but actually I do feel a bit guilty for mocking the dead. Also, I don't personally know any dead Mormons (that I know of. Unknown unknowns and all that), so i clicked on the Choose-a-Mormon button.
    Sorry, Donald Mitchell.

  14. FlipOffResearch

    Well, if the dead holocaust Jews don't mind being turned into Mormons, I see no reason why dead Mormons should mind being turned into dead gay Mormons. However, if they were dead gay hating Republican Mormon, the app wouldn't be necessary.

  15. ttommyunger

    One of my nephews graduated from B.U. He is now in his 50's and seriously fucked in the head. Coincidence? I think not, sir.

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