how did we survive without the internet?

Important Website Now Lets You Turn Dead Mormons Into Gay Dead Mormons

It was very exciting to learn that the young Mitt Romney maybe baptized the sad ghosts of Jewish victims of the Nazi Holocaust, to turn them into followers of Mitt’s folk religion. Who knew Mitt ever did anything but the kind of vicious 1% capitalism that ruins the lives of countless Americans?

Well now, thanks to the Internet (again!), there is a new “web app” that lets you easily turn all Dead Mormons into homosexuals. Dead Mormon homosexuals, we assume, unless there’s some fine print/privacy policy thing on the bottom of the web page that explains in dense legal terminology how the Dead Mormon Homosexuals will then Rise Up From Their Graves and commit deep crimes against the Living … oh god, that’s how Romney’s going to become president, isn’t it? OH GOD. [Gay Mormon Zapper Website]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    The Church of the Latter Gay Saints?

    • widestanceromance

      Ladder Day Taints

      • iburl

        Splattered Gay Stains

    • IceCreamEmpress

      You go, Barb! Hope you're feeling better.

  • mrpuma2u

    Hey the gays are always happy to have "more men" *groans at self*

  • nounverb911

    Can we start with Mitt's integrity?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Needs WAY moar gay.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    I thought it would be fun to submit all the names of Josephs Smith's wives.. Figured they'd probably had to turn gay anyway to survive his ignoring them most of the time. Unfortunately I had to stop at 25 when the boss stuck his head in and asked what I was doing.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      What are you implying!? Joseph Smith had only one wife. That's our story, and we're sticking with it!!
      http://josephsmith.net/josephsmith/v/index.jsp?vg

      • Sparky McGruff

        That's awesome. "Your search for polygamy has returned 0 results in JosephSmith.net."

        • Gunner Asch

          And also:
          "Your search for mountain meadows has returned 0 results in JosephSmith.net."

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      I am really sorry to hear that. I hope the boss goes home sick in a bout five minutes and leaves you in peace to these so much more important tasks.

    • Biff

      Collect all 33!

      • yyyaz

        Win.

    • MinAgain

      Did you tell him that you were doing God's work?

  • RadioSBJ

    Brigham always sounded kind of gay.

    • CapnFatback
      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Gorgeous! Thanks, dood.

    • doloras

      The guy must have then had 25 beards, is that right?

  • edgydrifter

    Actually, since the LDS church would rather all the gays be dead anyway, this works on many levels.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Or maybe it's the other way around: It's OK for a Mormon to be gay, after they're dead.

      It just logically follows, if you're ruling over your own paradise-planet, you get to make up all the rules. Even gay ones.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        No, even after death you can't be gay, because you have to repopulate the planet that you become god of. So you get like 200 wives and you have to keep them all permapreggers. That sound gay to you?

  • freakishlywrong

    Dan Savage?

  • nounverb911

    This site is almost as significant as the Kenyan Birth Certificate generator.

  • bumfug

    This is fun; I just did Brigham Young! Well, OK, I didn't DO Brigham Young, that would be fucking sick. But you know what I mean.

    • Nostrildamus

      Necrophilia is not something I normally endorse, but I think it would be OK in this case. Have at it. Let us know how it goes.

  • orygoon

    Everlasting Un-Deadness? Yikes.

  • SorosBot

    I love my dead gay Mormon son!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      If he's gay and Mormon, it's the only way you CAN!

  • mrsbitch

    I get dibs on all the Westboro clan!! They aren't Mormon, but as long as I'm making them gay I might as well go whole hog.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      GO for it! Hey, where ya been, lately, how ya doin?

    • PubOption

      Imagine all the fear and loathing you will cause.

  • TheMightyHaltor

    What happens if you gay-ify a dead Mormon who was in the closet? Does the process just out them, or does it flip them to hetero?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Suck on that, George Romney!

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      I converted him too! He must resemble a mormon Richard Simmons by now.

    • Dashboard Shmoo

      I bet so many people plugged in his name that his ghost is going to show up at the next debate and just start stone balling Newt (Squeal like a pig, boy!). It would be gross and horrible, and I would love to see that.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Geez, DBS. I was gonna eat a sarnie in a bit, but I think I'll wait a week or so.

  • VaWyo

    This is a great idea. With our help, we can turn all the dead wives gay and then the priesthood holders will have no one to have sex with on their eternal family planet.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      I could be wrong, but I thought that the Mormon cult didn't recognize marital rape, which is why Utah has so much of it.

  • Lucidamente1

    And they have the most fabulous magic underwear.

  • jus_wonderin

    I convert three. I figured I better go slow. And, well, there is no incentive like a toaster to recruit/convert folks to the ghey. Slowly, I turn……………………

  • MissTaken

    Congratulations to Jennifer White, Peter Burnett, and Michelle Hernandez on your new Gay Dead Mormon status. Mazel Tov!

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      I wonder if there are records about the departed spinsters that have been married from the grave?

  • elburritodeluxe

    It would be distasteful to turn Mitt's dead dog gay. Please, people, show some restraint.

    • johnnymeatworth

      What about Craig Romney's dead fish?

      • Biff

        We already did the gay fish thing yesterday.

        • johnnymeatworth

          So it's not retro yet? Shit!

    • CthuNHu

      I did that before even seeing your post.

      Rest in rainbow-colored bacon-scented peace, Seamus Romney, you were truly the best of them. By a long shot.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Oops! I thought it said Morons, so I entered Sarah Palin. She's gay now…..and still brain dead.

    • Biff

      I think that makes her an oxymormon.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    I have a dead Mormon cousin who was both gay and an alcoholic. If I enter his name will he become a straight straight Mormon Zombie?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      ZOMG, the poor guy. If he was gay AND Mormon, he'd pretty much *have* to be an alcoholic!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Your cousin was a character in "Angels In America"?

    • PubOption

      Which of his heresies caused the most trouble?

  • Ducksworthy

    That's a really handy app. Can I get it for the IPhone? For those special occasions, ya know.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Poof! Yer a dead Mormon faggit! <– THOSE kinda occasions?

  • prommie

    Newell, its my idea, but I'll go halfsies with you; lets start a website where you can posthumously enlist people in the Communist Party and issue them CPUSA membership cards!

    • jus_wonderin

      I am trying think of a name for this app and all I can come up with is "iMcCarthy".

      • prommie

        In "Another Roadside Attraction," there was a character named "Marx Marvelous." He took that name because the two things the average 100% Amurrican male hates the most in the world are commies, and homos, the "Marx" part is obvious, and he chose "Marvelous" because it is a word no straight man has ever used, in the history of the world.

      • MoeDeLawn

        Dead-n-Red?

        • prommie

          Better Dead AND Red?

  • Callyson

    Dammit, Donny and Marie Osmond are still alive…

    • Dashboard Shmoo

      Yeah…just their careers are dead. Easy mistake.

  • ElPinche

    I don't know who Paco Romney is, but that dead bastard is now gay.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But, if you make a dead Mormon Gay who only became Mormon when she or he was "baptized" after dying, wouldn't that bring him or her back to life?

  • YouBetcha

    Does anyone know President Reagan's middle name? He was Mormon, right?

    • jus_wonderin

      Wasn't he known to his closets friends by the nickname "Dupe"?

    • Biff

      Wilson, sadly.

  • MinAgain

    We need to think about this. Do Mormons believe in resurrection? 'Cause I'm not so sure I want a lot of gay Osmond zombies running around the country.

    • GOPCrusher

      C-O-O-O-C-K-K-K-K-S-S-S-S-S-S

    • north_of_moscow

      How would we know the difference?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY
      • Shellwith2Ls

        Okay, I noticed that one actor in that movie is named Lowell Deo. When I clicked on his name, his bio said that he was a commentator on Fox News. Oh really?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          I wouldn't know.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    I am laughing my ass off, but actually I do feel a bit guilty for mocking the dead. Also, I don't personally know any dead Mormons (that I know of. Unknown unknowns and all that), so i clicked on the Choose-a-Mormon button.
    Sorry, Donald Mitchell.

  • Nostrildamus

    Be sure to consecrate each conversion by wanking it over the keyboard.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

    I just converted Mitt's Daddy. And two wimminz, but everybody knows THEY don't count.

  • north_of_moscow

    Sure you can make them gay, but you can't make them drink coffee.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/FlipOffResearch FlipOffResearch

    Well, if the dead holocaust Jews don't mind being turned into Mormons, I see no reason why dead Mormons should mind being turned into dead gay Mormons. However, if they were dead gay hating Republican Mormon, the app wouldn't be necessary.

  • chascates

    I just want a site that turns live Mormons into dead Mormons.

  • ttommyunger

    One of my nephews graduated from B.U. He is now in his 50's and seriously fucked in the head. Coincidence? I think not, sir.

    • DahBoner

      Yeah, Boston University is Wicked Retarrrrdddd…

      • ttommyunger

        Sorry, brain fart; meant BYU.

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    I would prefer one to turn dead Mormons into black folks.

  • Negropolis

    What happens if the dead Mormon was gay? Is it like multiplying two negative numbers?

  • DahBoner

    Anyhow, it's not like those dead Jews believed in a real religion, like The Old Testament….

  • DCBloom

    My thought exactly