HOW DID WE SURVIVE WITHOUT THE INTERNET?  2:16 pm February 22, 2012

Important Website Now Lets You Turn Dead Mormons Into Gay Dead Mormons

by Wonkette Jr.

It was very exciting to learn that the young Mitt Romney maybe baptized the sad ghosts of Jewish victims of the Nazi Holocaust, to turn them into followers of Mitt’s folk religion. Who knew Mitt ever did anything but the kind of vicious 1% capitalism that ruins the lives of countless Americans?

Well now, thanks to the Internet (again!), there is a new “web app” that lets you easily turn all Dead Mormons into homosexuals. Dead Mormon homosexuals, we assume, unless there’s some fine print/privacy policy thing on the bottom of the web page that explains in dense legal terminology how the Dead Mormon Homosexuals will then Rise Up From Their Graves and commit deep crimes against the Living … oh god, that’s how Romney’s going to become president, isn’t it? OH GOD. [Gay Mormon Zapper Website]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 87 comments }

Barb February 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

The Church of the Latter Gay Saints?

widestanceromance February 22, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Ladder Day Taints

iburl February 22, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Splattered Gay Stains

IceCreamEmpress February 22, 2012 at 7:35 pm

You go, Barb! Hope you're feeling better.

mrpuma2u February 22, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Hey the gays are always happy to have "more men" *groans at self*

nounverb911 February 22, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Can we start with Mitt's integrity?

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Needs WAY moar gay.

Clancy_Pants February 22, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I thought it would be fun to submit all the names of Josephs Smith's wives.. Figured they'd probably had to turn gay anyway to survive his ignoring them most of the time. Unfortunately I had to stop at 25 when the boss stuck his head in and asked what I was doing.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 5:57 pm

What are you implying!? Joseph Smith had only one wife. That's our story, and we're sticking with it!!
http://josephsmith.net/josephsmith/v/index.jsp?vg

Sparky McGruff February 22, 2012 at 8:23 pm

That's awesome. "Your search for polygamy has returned 0 results in JosephSmith.net."

Gunner Asch February 26, 2012 at 12:54 am

And also:
"Your search for mountain meadows has returned 0 results in JosephSmith.net."

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I am really sorry to hear that. I hope the boss goes home sick in a bout five minutes and leaves you in peace to these so much more important tasks.

Biff February 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Collect all 33!

yyyaz February 23, 2012 at 1:38 am

Win.

MinAgain February 22, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Did you tell him that you were doing God's work?

RadioSBJ February 22, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Brigham always sounded kind of gay.

CapnFatback February 22, 2012 at 4:37 pm
FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Gorgeous! Thanks, dood.

doloras February 22, 2012 at 10:09 pm

The guy must have then had 25 beards, is that right?

edgydrifter February 22, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Actually, since the LDS church would rather all the gays be dead anyway, this works on many levels.

Lascauxcaveman February 22, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Or maybe it's the other way around: It's OK for a Mormon to be gay, after they're dead.

It just logically follows, if you're ruling over your own paradise-planet, you get to make up all the rules. Even gay ones.

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:07 pm

No, even after death you can't be gay, because you have to repopulate the planet that you become god of. So you get like 200 wives and you have to keep them all permapreggers. That sound gay to you?

freakishlywrong February 22, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Dan Savage?

nounverb911 February 22, 2012 at 2:27 pm

This site is almost as significant as the Kenyan Birth Certificate generator.

bumfug February 22, 2012 at 2:29 pm

This is fun; I just did Brigham Young! Well, OK, I didn't DO Brigham Young, that would be fucking sick. But you know what I mean.

Nostrildamus February 22, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Necrophilia is not something I normally endorse, but I think it would be OK in this case. Have at it. Let us know how it goes.

orygoon February 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Everlasting Un-Deadness? Yikes.

SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I love my dead gay Mormon son!

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:08 pm

If he's gay and Mormon, it's the only way you CAN!

mrsbitch February 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I get dibs on all the Westboro clan!! They aren't Mormon, but as long as I'm making them gay I might as well go whole hog.

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:08 pm

GO for it! Hey, where ya been, lately, how ya doin?

PubOption February 23, 2012 at 11:51 am

Imagine all the fear and loathing you will cause.

TheMightyHaltor February 22, 2012 at 2:44 pm

What happens if you gay-ify a dead Mormon who was in the closet? Does the process just out them, or does it flip them to hetero?

SayItWithWookies February 22, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Suck on that, George Romney!

Fukui_sanYesOta February 22, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I converted him too! He must resemble a mormon Richard Simmons by now.

Dashboard Shmoo February 22, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I bet so many people plugged in his name that his ghost is going to show up at the next debate and just start stone balling Newt (Squeal like a pig, boy!). It would be gross and horrible, and I would love to see that.

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Geez, DBS. I was gonna eat a sarnie in a bit, but I think I'll wait a week or so.

VaWyo February 22, 2012 at 2:48 pm

This is a great idea. With our help, we can turn all the dead wives gay and then the priesthood holders will have no one to have sex with on their eternal family planet.

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I could be wrong, but I thought that the Mormon cult didn't recognize marital rape, which is why Utah has so much of it.

Lucidamente1 February 22, 2012 at 3:01 pm

And they have the most fabulous magic underwear.

jus_wonderin February 22, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I convert three. I figured I better go slow. And, well, there is no incentive like a toaster to recruit/convert folks to the ghey. Slowly, I turn……………………

MissTaken February 22, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Congratulations to Jennifer White, Peter Burnett, and Michelle Hernandez on your new Gay Dead Mormon status. Mazel Tov!

Maman February 22, 2012 at 9:17 pm

I wonder if there are records about the departed spinsters that have been married from the grave?

elburritodeluxe February 22, 2012 at 3:10 pm

It would be distasteful to turn Mitt's dead dog gay. Please, people, show some restraint.

johnnymeatworth February 22, 2012 at 5:05 pm

What about Craig Romney's dead fish?

Biff February 22, 2012 at 6:28 pm

We already did the gay fish thing yesterday.

johnnymeatworth February 22, 2012 at 6:30 pm

So it's not retro yet? Shit!

CthuNHu February 24, 2012 at 12:20 am

I did that before even seeing your post.

Rest in rainbow-colored bacon-scented peace, Seamus Romney, you were truly the best of them. By a long shot.

RedneckMuslin February 22, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Oops! I thought it said Morons, so I entered Sarah Palin. She's gay now…..and still brain dead.

Biff February 22, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I think that makes her an oxymormon.

weej_bain February 22, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I have a dead Mormon cousin who was both gay and an alcoholic. If I enter his name will he become a straight straight Mormon Zombie?

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:11 pm

ZOMG, the poor guy. If he was gay AND Mormon, he'd pretty much *have* to be an alcoholic!

Chet Kincaid February 23, 2012 at 1:06 am

Your cousin was a character in "Angels In America"?

PubOption February 23, 2012 at 11:53 am

Which of his heresies caused the most trouble?

Ducksworthy February 22, 2012 at 3:33 pm

That's a really handy app. Can I get it for the IPhone? For those special occasions, ya know.

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Poof! Yer a dead Mormon faggit! <– THOSE kinda occasions?

prommie February 22, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Newell, its my idea, but I'll go halfsies with you; lets start a website where you can posthumously enlist people in the Communist Party and issue them CPUSA membership cards!

jus_wonderin February 22, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I am trying think of a name for this app and all I can come up with is "iMcCarthy".

prommie February 22, 2012 at 3:51 pm

In "Another Roadside Attraction," there was a character named "Marx Marvelous." He took that name because the two things the average 100% Amurrican male hates the most in the world are commies, and homos, the "Marx" part is obvious, and he chose "Marvelous" because it is a word no straight man has ever used, in the history of the world.

MoeDeLawn February 22, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Dead-n-Red?

prommie February 22, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Better Dead AND Red?

Callyson February 22, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Dammit, Donny and Marie Osmond are still alive…

Dashboard Shmoo February 22, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Yeah…just their careers are dead. Easy mistake.

ElPinche February 22, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I don't know who Paco Romney is, but that dead bastard is now gay.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 22, 2012 at 4:36 pm

But, if you make a dead Mormon Gay who only became Mormon when she or he was "baptized" after dying, wouldn't that bring him or her back to life?

YouBetcha February 22, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Does anyone know President Reagan's middle name? He was Mormon, right?

jus_wonderin February 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Wasn't he known to his closets friends by the nickname "Dupe"?

Biff February 22, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Wilson, sadly.

MinAgain February 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

We need to think about this. Do Mormons believe in resurrection? 'Cause I'm not so sure I want a lot of gay Osmond zombies running around the country.

GOPCrusher February 22, 2012 at 5:48 pm

C-O-O-O-C-K-K-K-K-S-S-S-S-S-S

north_of_moscow February 22, 2012 at 6:08 pm

How would we know the difference?

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Shellwith2Ls February 23, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Okay, I noticed that one actor in that movie is named Lowell Deo. When I clicked on his name, his bio said that he was a commentator on Fox News. Oh really?

FROTHY February 23, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I wouldn't know.

gurukalehuru February 22, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I am laughing my ass off, but actually I do feel a bit guilty for mocking the dead. Also, I don't personally know any dead Mormons (that I know of. Unknown unknowns and all that), so i clicked on the Choose-a-Mormon button.
Sorry, Donald Mitchell.

Nostrildamus February 22, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Be sure to consecrate each conversion by wanking it over the keyboard.

FROTHY February 22, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I just converted Mitt's Daddy. And two wimminz, but everybody knows THEY don't count.

north_of_moscow February 22, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Sure you can make them gay, but you can't make them drink coffee.

FlipOffResearch February 22, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Well, if the dead holocaust Jews don't mind being turned into Mormons, I see no reason why dead Mormons should mind being turned into dead gay Mormons. However, if they were dead gay hating Republican Mormon, the app wouldn't be necessary.

chascates February 22, 2012 at 7:39 pm

I just want a site that turns live Mormons into dead Mormons.

ttommyunger February 22, 2012 at 7:52 pm

One of my nephews graduated from B.U. He is now in his 50's and seriously fucked in the head. Coincidence? I think not, sir.

DahBoner February 23, 2012 at 7:50 am

Yeah, Boston University is Wicked Retarrrrdddd…

ttommyunger February 23, 2012 at 8:37 am

Sorry, brain fart; meant BYU.

glamourdammerung February 22, 2012 at 11:18 pm

I would prefer one to turn dead Mormons into black folks.

Negropolis February 23, 2012 at 3:23 am

What happens if the dead Mormon was gay? Is it like multiplying two negative numbers?

DahBoner February 23, 2012 at 7:48 am

Anyhow, it's not like those dead Jews believed in a real religion, like The Old Testament….

DCBloom February 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

My thought exactly

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