Political World Somehow Shocked To Hear Rick Santorum Rant About Satan

  hot jesus scoops

You are all SatanDid you know that Rick Santorum is a very Christian person? He’d always come across to us like a publicly secular, church on Easter and Christmas only kinda guy who doesn’t really “buy into all that stuff.” But nope, he’s Christian as the dickens, and he sees everything as a struggle between God and Satan. American voters finally learned all of this yesterday when Matt Drudge published a 2008 speech of Santorum’s describing Satan’s attack on America. We now have to consider the possibility: Could it be that Rick Santorum is something of a religious nut?

This story, of Santorum’s Satan speech, would have just been lumped in with all the other sorta-funny Santorum crazy quotes that rise to the top of the Internet a few or ten times a day, but Matt Drudge happened to leave it up as his main story for many hours, so political editors decided that it must be very important. Yes, it’s sad but true, that editors of major political outlets still look to the goddamn Drudge Report for their story assignments all goddamn day, just as they did in 1999. (And then they get to write cutesy meta substories, like “Drudge Forging An Alliance With Romney?”, “Drudge: A Timeline of Fuckin’ Shit Up,” etc. He’s a big deal, with his linking website!)

Anyway, here’s the Santorum SECRET SATAN SPEECH that sounds like every other speech he’s ever given in his life:

“While we all see all this as a great political conflict in warfare between the Obama camp and the McCain camp and culture wars, what Bishop Aquila put his finger on and what I think, I suspect those of you who are here understand, this is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war. This is a spiritual war.”

“And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country, the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

Some are now wondering if Rick Santorum will “apologize.” To whom and for what? You either laugh and think he’s a nut or you speak his same Biblical language and enjoy it. It’s a strange choice of outrage for today’s Outrage of the Day. Sorta funny, though.

[CNN]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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250 comments

        1. V572 Flambé

          Look at his wife. Look at his kids. You think anybody'd want more of that with those outcomes?

          Remember, for lil Ricky, sex only happens for one reason.

    1. JustPixelz

      (I too believe Maher said that. )

      But what about hot dogs. Knife and fork? Or cannolis. Same deal? I suppose he wants them to suck cock using a lace doily like it's 1835 or something.

    1. smitallica

      EXACTLY. I'd scream that at all his fans, if I thought they had any idea of history and who Father Coughlin was.

      1. dyedwool

        You mean like when nobody voted for Snowki Palin, and she disappeared onto the Fox News and the reality channel with her reality show and all over the goddam place with her horrible voice and her horribleness, all the goddam time? Like that?

        God, I hope not.

        1. Biff

          At least I have the choice to never watch fox or that reality show channel. I am only made aware of her continued existence when godless lefties on the internets and forward or left-leaning TV networks show clips of her vomiting forth her insane views.

        2. GOPCrusher

          OT, but it was announced this AM that The Undefeated is going to be shown on the Reelz Channel. Even it's run on Pay Per View has been a dismal failure.

  1. SorosBot

    "Could it be that Rick Santorum is something of a religious nut? "

    What's next, an expose that Mitt Romney has a lot of money and is out of touch with working Americans, that Newt Gingrich has been unfaithful to some of his wives, or that Ron Paul is completely batshit insane?

  2. Generation[redacted]

    If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?

    Oooooh! Let's all play, "If I were Satan, I would ___________________"

    1. Callyson

      Put someone in the White House who was an utter idiot, who only managed to get there in the first place due to a very questionable Supreme Court ruling, have him get his nation into an unnecessary war in Iraq and run his economy to the ground, and then have his former supporters block all efforts by his successor to fix the mess, all the while blaming said successor for the problems. Yeah, that's what I'd do if I were Satan…

      1. Nothingisamiss

        Amen. They would have to hang out with smelly people, love their enemies and give monies to the poors. Not gonna happen.

    2. Mahousu

      If I were Satan, I'd attack Tahiti.

      Well, actually, I wouldn't attack it; I'd just hang around on the beach all day and pretend I was planning an attack. I mean, I'm Satan – who's going to complain about me not doing a good job?

    3. fuflans

      i don't know, probably buy a penthouse in tribeca, date a supermodel (or johnny depp), make a movie, put the fix in at the oscars, have a drink with mick jagger in the south of france, smack some xtians or religious jews around?

      i really really doubt i'd hang with anyone in DC. they manage just fine on their own.

    4. hagajim

      If I were Satan I'd probably be partying and whoring like Satan would be wont to do and not worry about attacking anyone. These dumb dicks spend enough time and energy attacking one another – I'd rather fuck some hot bitches!

    5. Lascauxcaveman

      …do two chicks at the same time.

      (I realize this makes me kind of a lame Satan, as far as Satans go.)

    6. CommieLibunatic

      …club some baby seals, drink a Zinfandel, saw on my violin for a bit, check my stocks, give Ahmadinejad and the GOP candidates approving pats on the head, and slip a check under the door of the local Planned Parenthood.

  3. Sue4466

    As Forbes pointed out, Santorum's speech fucked-upedly suggests that Satan is winning the war for the US now and not 200 years ago when women couldn't vote, black people were slaves, and American Indians were being forcibly removed.

  4. memzilla

    "…once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers."

    I had my preeminence sown once, and it was damn painful.

    1. mrpuma2u

      And the LAWD said "Yea verily, the wacko former senator will spew forth outrageous things, and the words will manifest upon the youtubes, and take the form of ropes, by which he will hangeth himself"

  5. tihond

    In Satan's defense, he just wants to transvaginally probe the United States… to prevent abortions or something.

  6. FakaktaSouth

    Rick Santorum's existence does make me believe in the Devil more-so. He also fucks up my ability to give up swears for lent.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I have always felt that Satan, should he exist & wanted the ultimate cover, would do his evil works through humans who make a spectacle of their Christian faith & can't shut up about it for one second.

  7. DaRooster

    "If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?"

    Uhh… People that use the Christian angle to win over the minds of people that are Christians to benefit and enrich themselves?

    1. Mumbletypeg

      was gonna say… if it's good ole homeland-U-S-of-A that's needin' protectin' from Satanical aggression, that's bad newz for all the 'murican missionary types who've been taking pains to head overseas and save those furrin' pagan & heathens from… themselves? Suddenly it's all so confusing… yet those dedicated McChristian visionaries spend hours in their parish halls deliberating over the "Mission Statement" — shocking to think their global-messenger service has gotten it wrong all these years.

  8. elburritodeluxe

    Wouldn't Satan try to convince a political party that they should abandon the weak and sick, the frail, prisoners and hated minorities? Wouldn't Satan try to get a political party to wage pointless wars that cost thousands of lives? Wouldn't Satan try to convince people to abandon helping others and focus on helping themselves?

  9. SorosBot

    Yes, we must protect the United States from the threatened attacks by Satan; we also need to prepare against the threats provided by Doctor Doom, the Joker, Magneto, the Predators, Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd, the forces of Cobra, and Megatron and his Decepticons!

    1. MosesInvests

      The Lord Sauron is very displeased that he was omitted from this list. Expect Nazgul on your doorstep momentarily.

    2. HeadlockSally

      Don't forget the Cylons. I shudder to think what would happen if they formed an unholy alliance with the Decepticons and the Zords.

  10. memzilla

    Judging by all the frothy Rethuglitard bloviation, I'm guessing they think that Satan is a giant vagina with horns and a tail.

    I'd like to see them all take a long walk off a short pier, and watch them decide if it was better to row vs. wade.

  11. WhatTheHeck

    I’ve got news for you Ruck. The U.S. has been in the grips of satan once the white kids began to listen to the devil music of the black kids. Lately, satan is throwing up abortion and homosexuality as a smoke-screen to confuse, ’cause he won. His real disciples are busy on Wall Street.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    I shouted out
    "Who killed the fetuses?"
    Well after all
    It was you and me

    And I lay traps for candidates
    Who get killed before they reach Tampa Bay.

    Pleased to meetchoo!

  13. UnholyMoses

    And if I were Satan I would … well, as a liberal, I already am Satan, according to Senator Frothy McAnallube.

    So I'd hope for Santorum to get the nomination, make a federal law overturning the nutjobs' restrictions on abortion, tax the rich at a 50% effective rate, ensure oil companies pay their fair share and use that money on research to end as much oil usage as possible, and stop torturing/renditioning/drone-killing enemies so we stop making them faster than we can kill them.

    I know, I know … how very evil of me.

    1. chicken_thief

      Unholy, I bet you're one of them librul bastards that is going to try to cram universal health care down our throats, too. Also. Arghhhh!!!! When will Zombie Reagan come back and save us?!!!

    2. Nothingisamiss

      Ok, srsly? That list makes me cry. Why the FUCK isn't at least some of this being ATTEMPTED?!

      I'm angry this afternoon, I'll carry on snarkily soon.

  14. Ruhe

    "To whom and for what?" should Rick apologize you ask. Why to all of us Satanists who can say with faith-based confidence that our Lord has no intention of attacking the USA. On the contrary, he likes it fine just the way it is. Of course, Rick and other's like him are all just part of the plan so I guess he doesn't really need to apologize. He's just doin' some work.

  15. Callyson

    And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country, the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?
    That's as good an explanation for the 2012 GOP field as any I can think of…

  16. chicken_thief

    “And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country, the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?"

    Well, I'll tell ya, Mr Frothy, it wouldn't be the country that has Chuck fucking Norris on its side.

  17. freakishlywrong

    The pundits are falling all over themselves, blaming the MEDIA, (yeah, I know), for focusing on all his crazy ass religious shit. They all in unison say that he really wants to talk about the economy and his coal miner dad, but the media keeps asking him about Terry Schivo his religious views. Fucking pundits.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Ricky's coal-miner roots are as bogus as Romney's working-class roots. It's baffling, until you remember that they're targeting America's vast 'stupid' demographic.

  18. bagofmice

    What I want to know is how in the hell he cools his datacenters. It's got to take a lot of cpu cycles to track the sin status of 7 billion people.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Hmmmmm… I wonder who could be causing Rick to cop an air-feel like that… could it be… SATAN???!

  19. SayItWithWookies

    You'll have to excuse Brother Rick — he's been a little tetched since he flunked out of Wizard School.

  20. GeoffPeterson

    "Christian as the dickens" is an interesting phrase, since "dickens" in this context is a euphemism for the devil. So really, Santorum is as Christian as Satan, which I can fully believe.

    On another note, glad to see you back, Jim!

    1. Chichikovovich

      Though I think he stumbled over his words, meaning to write "Christian as all those other dicks". But then he changed it to "dickens" to avoid giving Wonkette a reputation for being a hangout of a potty-mouths.

  21. Generation[redacted]

    I'm still on the fence until I see a specific plan to protect us from the intergalactic warlord Xenu.

  22. SoBeach

    “ If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?

    Easy. Aruba. It's gorgeous there this time of year.

  23. donner_froh

    If Santorum apologized for his Satan speech he would just be apologizing for being Rick Santorum and for bothering people with his stupid crap. Which he should do but won't.

  24. Mumbletypeg

    sad but true, that editors of major political outlets still look to the goddamn Drudge Report for their story assignments all goddamn day, just as they did in 1999

    I would take it as far back as the apostolic age or whichever year C.E. And whatever their equivalent of current-events-town-criers were polluting passers-by's minds even then. It all started with your godforsaken Jesus-freak heroes, Ricky. Here on the one hand is a passel of virtuous chosen-ones to be disciples carrying forward the message of redemption and grace and forgiveness as endowed by their purported visited-in-the-flesh Messiah; – - yet on the other, it is SOOO much more interesting, profitable and score some chicks with yon beat-that-you-can-dance-to if instead you take your cues, talking points and tunes from the Devil's playground that you're "saving" them from.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    "Matt Drudge happened to leave it up as his main story for many hours,"

    You know where else the main story gets left up for hours? Yeah, you got it.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Main story left up for hours? Oh, very nice – we at Wonkette dreeeaaam of having the main story left up just for hours. Why last weekend there was a main story up so long it got 2000 posts, 1950 of them random names of presidents, while we hit the refresh key every 5 minutes and ate boiled mud and drank the last thimble-full of Thunderbird.

      But you know what … we were happy then. It was a simpler time.

  26. JustPixelz

    Let's see. Climate change, which is confirmed through 150 years of data, laboratory experiments showing heat trapping behavior of CO2, historically validated computer models and anecdotal observations (shrinking snowcaps, etc) … climate change is unproven "political science", a "hoax". But loosely translated passages from the bible are our guide to public policy. Did I miss something?

  27. MissTaken

    This frothy fuck also says that mainline Protestants are Satan's Spawn. Methinks Santorum got a bit of a crush on Satan but doesn't have the nerve to ask him out on a date.

    1. SorosBot

      I do wonder why the media isn't pressing Rick the bigot on his anti-Protestant stance – that just might now go over too well with the Republican base.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Except that most of that base would agree with Rick on mainline Protestants. The view is that the Episcopalians, the non-Synod Lutherans, etc. substitute social works and charity for the gospel of Christ, and hence are not actually Christians. (No snark – I know many people who believe this.)

          1. ShaveTheWhales

            Where "every" means "those that support my opinion", and "literally" means "interpreted in however convoluted a fashion as is needed to make them support my opinion".

    1. SorosBot

      No, it's the war between the US and Canada that allowed Satan to escape and begin his reign; particularly the execution of Terrence and Phillip.

  28. DoktorThompson

    Like Jesus said, "Blessed are the powerful and influential, because the meek are a bunch of pussies."

    1. Generation[redacted]

      "Blessed are the poor when they finally get off their lazy asses and become job creators. Until then, fuck 'em I'm using my money to buy a new boat." I'm pretty sure that's how that went.

      1. Nothingisamiss

        "Fuck the peacemakers. They are appeasers. Blessed are you if you bomb and destroy, for you shall inherit the scorched earth."

  29. rickmaci

    "We look at the shape of mainline Protestantism in this country and it is in shambles, it is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it." I am shocked that nobody has really picked up on this part of his rant. Nothing in my lifetime to compare, a Catholic condemning Protestants? WTF is that all about? The lame brain process at work is absolutely medieval. This kind of bashing of competing Christian sects ended for most of the Western world in the 17th century, with the Thirty Years War. The concept of separation of church and state arises out of the revulsion in Europe to the carnage caused by sectarian intolerance during that period. Sadly, very few Americans understand history anymore. Today, history begins and ends with what happened 24 hours ago. For a bona fide candidate for president to be talking like this, well it's a national embarrassment.

    1. Chichikovovich

      He's not condemning Protestantism as such, just non-fundamentalist Protestantism. He is talking just about the mainstream churches like the Episcopalian church that have embraced liberal theology. Not Protestant fundamentalist churches like (say) Lutheran – Missouri Synod. Those he's fine with. And they would agree with him 100% about churches that embrace liberal theology.

      1. rickmaci

        I don't care what he may have meant, he should not have been saying anything. As a young Catholic, I was taught that we kept our collective noses out of Protestant business; they worshiped their way, we worshiped ours. How or what they did among their various sects and in their churches was none of our business. He stuck his Catholic nose where it shouldn't have been and I hope he gets it chopped off.

        1. Nothingisamiss

          Well you were obviously taught by devil worshipping Catholics. My cousins recoiled from our mainline chuirch, and we would fuck with them by trying to take communion in theirs. (We thought the Catholics were idol worshippers, anyways, what with the statues and the Latin.)

    2. Chet Kincaid

      "This kind of bashing of competing Christian sects ended for most of the Western world in the 17th century, with the Thirty Years War."

      You must not have been paying attention to Fundie Bible-Thumpers in the 20th Century then, you Satanic Papist!!

      It was still OK to kill the Jews in Enlightened 1940s Europe, also.

      1. rickmaci

        And your point being? I just thought we had learned enough to leave all the sectarian name calling and threats behind. Except for Muslims, of course; all the orthodox sects agree it's Divine work to kill the Muslims.

    3. GOPCrusher

      Quite honestly, I'm surprised that even Ralph Reed hasn't stood up and said "Dayum, this son of a bitch is nuts."

  30. Terry

    For all of Santorum's ranting about birth control and his very pubic profession of being a Catholic, his speeches really tend to be loaded with the Evangelical code words and concepts more so than the Catholic ones. He's even throwing himself to the right of Louisiana Catholics who as a group tend to still be deeply suspicious of Vatican II about fifty years on.

    Santorum and the Opus Dei adherents on the Supreme Court don't actually represent the rank and file Catholics, or even some of the priests and nuns.

    I'm waiting for someone to ask Santorum about evolution. The RC Church went neutral, more or less on evolution in around 1950. Then in 1996, Pope John Paul II actually had an evolution conference at the Vatican, bringing in scholars from around the world. He ended up coming out to say that there is solid evidence for evolution over a geologic time scale, but held to the idea that God created the soul. I still think that was pretty darn progressive for the leader of a major Christian denomination. Benedict, of course, is trying to screw things up. Fundy Catholics, like Santorum, tend to ignore that the whole period from 1950 to 1996 ever occurred and that those Vatican publications just don't exist. The evolution thing, the office of Pope itself, the non-literal interpretation of the Bible, and the requirement to ACT not just TALK on topics such as charity set the Catholics off from the Fundies. He's not likely to want to chat about any of those wee topics, however, as they will remind his potential Evangelical voters that those Papists ain't really Christians and all.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Yes, the Catholic Slipper Class have all of these groovy positions, but they only seem to issue the big public fatwas and threaten to excommunicate politicians over the lady parts they have never seen.

    2. fuflans

      i went to a catholic high school (tho my family is episcopalian – mostly for disciplinary reasons). it was actually to the left of my church – all liberal nuns and folksy guitars at mass and bonhoeffer.

      i've always had a soft spot for catholics and this new/old breed makes me kinda nauseous.

      also, my church had middle earth maps in the rectory.

  31. Goonemeritus

    As a Roman Catholic I must say I don’t even recognize this guy’s theology. Granted the Pope is unlikely to be selling his Versace slippers to fund a donation to Planed Parenthood. However from global warming to military adventurism he is way way off the reservation. I think we need to stop thinking of this type of religious overture as reflective of any sizable body of faith. I think the way to see them is a brand new religion The Church of The Republican Party.

  32. SorosBot

    If we showed Ricky some of the old Dana Carvey Church Lady sketches, he wouldn't understand why everyone was laughing and would tell everyone to listen to the wise old Christian.

  33. Catabite

    Satan's after the USA because he can't get a decent burger in hell. That, and he wants him one of those welfare scooters. Satan's getting fat and lazy what with the glut of damned souls nowadays.

  34. Tundra Grifter

    I am quite taken with Li'l Ricky's two "explanations" for this speech.

    First – "That was in 2008." Like things have changed a lot in the past 4 years?

    Second – "That was a speech to a church group." Translated "I give different speeches to different groups. How else could I possibly tell them what they want to hear?" I think he borrowed that one from Mittens.

  35. Larry McAwful

    I was just playing "Led Zeppelin IV" backward, and it told me to donate $100 to Rick Santorum's campaign. Should I do it?

    "There's this feeling I get
    From that man's sweater vest…"

  36. Wonderthing

    Just sitting there Drudging up some Santorum, waiting for the second coming of the Lord.
    This is verse, could be worse, it's all the terse words I could afford.

  37. BigDumbRedDog

    I wish the catholics and the protestants would just start killing each other again, only this time just leave the rest of us alone.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Ha, ha, too bad for you. This is the century we kill muslims. Jews, Protestants and Hindus can stand down.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Yahoo had an article about Romney stating that Obama was waging war against religion in this country. I posted a comment asking exactly what "religion" had Obama declared war on and the response was overwhelming every religion except Islam.
        I was not aware that we were launching Predator drone strikes against Buddhist monks.

  38. SheriffRoscoe

    If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?

    Haha, the guy belongs to the catholic church. Sweet, non-child-rapey, catholic church. He must think we're a bunch of idiots.

  39. KeepFnThatChicken

    Moral Relativism. Catch the fever.

    There is no satan. There is no god. These ideas are fables. You're a goddamn child, and you've been bought and paid for by beliefs that don't exist. You. Do. Not. Deserve. The. Presidency. Asshole.

  40. RadioSBJ

    Ready for their response?
    Alinsky (what is their fetish with this guy anyhow?) dedicated Rules For Radicals to Lucifer!!1!!
    ZOMG

  41. mmeetoilenoir

    [shallow] Mock turtlenecks are evidence of Satan. How ticky-tacky. How did this dweeb ever get laid? Every piece of his wardrobe is full of evil and shame.[/shallow]

    Hey…you know who ELSE is possessed by Satan?

  42. LiveToServeYa

    He's right. Santa is threatening America with free toys made by his socialistic followers. CAPITALISM IS IN PERIL!

  43. Deportably_Jose

    No Jim, the reason this is news at all isn't that Santorum believes in Satan, so much as because he believes that other Christians who pray to Jesus in American instead of Latin are basically the Church of Satan. It's not about being super-churchy, but about the fact that he's attacking other churchy white people, for not being churchy in exactly the way he is.

    Because any other sort of bigotry is basically okay, in America.

    1. prommie

      You kidding? This is just mainstream fundamentalist-Bob Jones U-hardline jeebuser shit. My stepdaughter went to a "christian" elementary school that had a written rule that it wouldn't accept kids whose parents belonged to churches belonging to the American Council of Churches (the definition of "Mainline Protestantism.")

  44. chascates

    "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
    –some skinny Indian guy

  45. ttommyunger

    Santorum behind the Pulpit. You know he's got to love that. I'm guessing his tiny goober was harder than Chinese Arithmetic when this shot was taken.

  46. littlebigdaddy

    Jesuits are great. Smart, independent minded, and, yes, willing to serve sherry to their literature students. I somehow don't think Ricky is THAT kind of Catholic.

  47. rickmaci

    LOL. Same here. A Jesuit talked me out of attending a prominent Catholic university with his statement that "Catholic Scholarship" is an oxymoron.

  48. Maman

    My husband went to a school run by the Brother's of the Holy Cross. They were somewhat less amusing with warnings taken randomly out of proverbs

  49. Chet Kincaid

    OK, so I ask because I've always heard about what hipsters the Jesuits are supposed to be. What exactly do Jesuit priests not believe in that's mandated by Catholicism, and how do they get away with it?

  50. SorosBot

    Hell going to a Jesuit high school helped teach me to think for myself and to dump Catholicism for atheism.

  51. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Not that they'd ever acknowledge it publicly, but their belief in the infallibility of the Pope is highly suspect. They'll give it lip service, but they're inclined to think that sometimes the Pope mishears what God is saying.
    As the far-intellectual wing of the church, they put a lot of stock in education, science, and reason (hence Georgetown, B.C., Fordham, Loyola, Marquette, etc.) That, plus a predilection for the more socialist/commie side of Jeebus' teachings, gets them into recurrent trouble with Rome.
    Bottom line: If you see a priest in a civil/gay/women's rights march, he's probably a Jesuit.

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