HOT JESUS SCOOPS  12:26 pm February 22, 2012

Political World Somehow Shocked To Hear Rick Santorum Rant About Satan

by Jim Newell

You are all SatanDid you know that Rick Santorum is a very Christian person? He’d always come across to us like a publicly secular, church on Easter and Christmas only kinda guy who doesn’t really “buy into all that stuff.” But nope, he’s Christian as the dickens, and he sees everything as a struggle between God and Satan. American voters finally learned all of this yesterday when Matt Drudge published a 2008 speech of Santorum’s describing Satan’s attack on America. We now have to consider the possibility: Could it be that Rick Santorum is something of a religious nut?

This story, of Santorum’s Satan speech, would have just been lumped in with all the other sorta-funny Santorum crazy quotes that rise to the top of the Internet a few or ten times a day, but Matt Drudge happened to leave it up as his main story for many hours, so political editors decided that it must be very important. Yes, it’s sad but true, that editors of major political outlets still look to the goddamn Drudge Report for their story assignments all goddamn day, just as they did in 1999. (And then they get to write cutesy meta substories, like “Drudge Forging An Alliance With Romney?”, “Drudge: A Timeline of Fuckin’ Shit Up,” etc. He’s a big deal, with his linking website!)

Anyway, here’s the Santorum SECRET SATAN SPEECH that sounds like every other speech he’s ever given in his life:

“While we all see all this as a great political conflict in warfare between the Obama camp and the McCain camp and culture wars, what Bishop Aquila put his finger on and what I think, I suspect those of you who are here understand, this is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war. This is a spiritual war.”

“And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country, the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

Some are now wondering if Rick Santorum will “apologize.” To whom and for what? You either laugh and think he’s a nut or you speak his same Biblical language and enjoy it. It’s a strange choice of outrage for today’s Outrage of the Day. Sorta funny, though.

[CNN]

 
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{ 250 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] February 22, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Maybe L'il Ricki will give up being such a supercilious cunt for Lent.

nounverb911 February 22, 2012 at 12:28 pm

First some one needs to explain to Rick what that is.

Biff February 22, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I'm thinking that instead of getting ash on his forehead, it got in his vag.

mayor_quimby February 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

An ashy gash is never a good thing.

Barb February 22, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Bill Maher said that Santorum would like to force women to eat bananas with a knife and fork. I believe it.

nounverb911 February 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Needs more Lorena Bobbitt.

Barb February 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

It's a hilarious way of saying that Dickey Santorum really hates sex.

V572 Flambé February 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Look at his wife. Look at his kids. You think anybody'd want more of that with those outcomes?

Remember, for lil Ricky, sex only happens for one reason.

Graham Cracker February 22, 2012 at 2:06 pm

What? When the woman is really, really drunk

heathenette February 22, 2012 at 8:49 pm

He kinda fucked up on that then didn’t he.

WhatTheHeck February 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

They are not even allowed to peel back the banana skin.

GunToting[Redacted] February 22, 2012 at 1:45 pm

No teeth!

JustPixelz February 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

(I too believe Maher said that. )

But what about hot dogs. Knife and fork? Or cannolis. Same deal? I suppose he wants them to suck cock using a lace doily like it's 1835 or something.

Crank_Tango February 22, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Doily-cock libel! Or would that just be a dick-dickie?

OK, Dick-Dickie Libel!!!

OneDollarJuana February 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Really? Doilies? That's hawt!!

BaldarTFlagass February 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

One L Michele, eating a corn dog, also too. http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&gs_nf=1&am

GOPCrusher February 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Rick Perry had better technique.

Loaded_Pants February 22, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Gah! Rule 34!

Spurning Beer February 22, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Rick Santorum is the kind of guy who gets out of the shower to take a dump.

Guppy February 22, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Bill Maher said it, I believe it, that settles it!

nounverb911 February 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Rick Santorum: the modern day Father Coughlin.

smitallica February 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm

EXACTLY. I'd scream that at all his fans, if I thought they had any idea of history and who Father Coughlin was.

dyedwool February 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing us that Santorum exists.

Biff February 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

If nobody votes for him, will he go the fuck away?

dyedwool February 22, 2012 at 1:09 pm

You mean like when nobody voted for Snowki Palin, and she disappeared onto the Fox News and the reality channel with her reality show and all over the goddam place with her horrible voice and her horribleness, all the goddam time? Like that?

God, I hope not.

Biff February 22, 2012 at 1:20 pm

At least I have the choice to never watch fox or that reality show channel. I am only made aware of her continued existence when godless lefties on the internets and forward or left-leaning TV networks show clips of her vomiting forth her insane views.

GOPCrusher February 22, 2012 at 2:56 pm

OT, but it was announced this AM that The Undefeated is going to be shown on the Reelz Channel. Even it's run on Pay Per View has been a dismal failure.

CapnFatback February 22, 2012 at 2:01 pm
SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm

"Could it be that Rick Santorum is something of a religious nut? "

What's next, an expose that Mitt Romney has a lot of money and is out of touch with working Americans, that Newt Gingrich has been unfaithful to some of his wives, or that Ron Paul is completely batshit insane?

meatlofer February 22, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Has anybody vetted this Prick??

freakishlywrong February 22, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Pennsylvania, in 2006.

Crank_Tango February 22, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Pennsylvania…oh, um. Too soon?

chicken_thief February 22, 2012 at 1:08 pm

*palm to the forehead* Must. refresh. b/4. posting.

Generation[redacted] February 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?

Oooooh! Let's all play, "If I were Satan, I would ___________________"

nounverb911 February 22, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Fill Santorum with santorum?

paris biltong February 22, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Make a deal with Dr. Faust?

Dashboard Shmoo February 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

…smack Santorum upside the head right after my weekly round of golf with Jesus.

memzilla February 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

… prefer that the Rethuglicans win every US electoral race, forever.

Steverino247 February 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Tear up Mitt Romney's contract if he lost Michigan.

MoeDeLawn February 22, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Knock the dust off my knuckles, find my coat and hat and go home. My work here is done.

Callyson February 22, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Put someone in the White House who was an utter idiot, who only managed to get there in the first place due to a very questionable Supreme Court ruling, have him get his nation into an unnecessary war in Iraq and run his economy to the ground, and then have his former supporters block all efforts by his successor to fix the mess, all the while blaming said successor for the problems. Yeah, that's what I'd do if I were Satan…

SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 12:55 pm

That sounds like a strangely specific plan.

MissTaken February 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

And strangely familiar.

Biff February 22, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Mission accomplished.

EloquentScience February 22, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Get back together with Sadam Hussein.

JustPixelz February 22, 2012 at 12:50 pm

… I would make Christians follow Jesus' teachings. It will be like Hell for them.

Nothingisamiss February 22, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Amen. They would have to hang out with smelly people, love their enemies and give monies to the poors. Not gonna happen.

chicken_thief February 22, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Ban sweater vests, just to fuck with Rick.

Mahousu February 22, 2012 at 1:07 pm

If I were Satan, I'd attack Tahiti.

Well, actually, I wouldn't attack it; I'd just hang around on the beach all day and pretend I was planning an attack. I mean, I'm Satan – who's going to complain about me not doing a good job?

fuflans February 22, 2012 at 1:10 pm

i don't know, probably buy a penthouse in tribeca, date a supermodel (or johnny depp), make a movie, put the fix in at the oscars, have a drink with mick jagger in the south of france, smack some xtians or religious jews around?

i really really doubt i'd hang with anyone in DC. they manage just fine on their own.

hagajim February 22, 2012 at 1:18 pm

If I were Satan I'd probably be partying and whoring like Satan would be wont to do and not worry about attacking anyone. These dumb dicks spend enough time and energy attacking one another – I'd rather fuck some hot bitches!

HempDogbane February 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm

buy advertising on Rush's show.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFzdIaBnckg

bureaucrap February 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Well, personally, I'd annex the Sudetenland.

GunToting[Redacted] February 22, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I think I'd pay some Dutchmen to set fire to Santorum.

teebob2000 February 22, 2012 at 2:07 pm

You know who ELSE annexed the Sudetenland??

Oh, wait…

GunToting[Redacted] February 22, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Hitler!

Biel_ze_Bubba February 22, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Sit back and laugh, actually.

Sharkey February 22, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Buy stock in TruckNutz.

Lascauxcaveman February 22, 2012 at 2:02 pm

…do two chicks at the same time.

(I realize this makes me kind of a lame Satan, as far as Satans go.)

CommieLibunatic February 22, 2012 at 2:14 pm

…club some baby seals, drink a Zinfandel, saw on my violin for a bit, check my stocks, give Ahmadinejad and the GOP candidates approving pats on the head, and slip a check under the door of the local Planned Parenthood.

ShaveTheWhales February 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Attack the Martians.

Oh, wait, SaTAN?

Nevermind.

HateMachine February 22, 2012 at 2:35 pm

…have Milton accidentally give me a really sympathetic portrayal?

DerrickWildcat February 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Santorum out of my Uterus!

starfanglednut February 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Dude, if you have santorum in your uterus, you're doin' it wrong.

SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Ew; I don't want to know what kinks you're indulging.

MissTaken February 22, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Front to Back, NEVER Back to Front!

Maman February 22, 2012 at 1:25 pm

That calls for another variety of douching, my friend.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 22, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Ciprofloxacin, for sure… those Gram-negatives are tough.

Nothingisamiss February 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm

You'll possibly need the same operation that Barb had.

Sue4466 February 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

As Forbes pointed out, Santorum's speech fucked-upedly suggests that Satan is winning the war for the US now and not 200 years ago when women couldn't vote, black people were slaves, and American Indians were being forcibly removed.

paris biltong February 22, 2012 at 12:38 pm

"Removed"?

Generation[redacted] February 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

…from their mortal coil.

chicken_thief February 22, 2012 at 1:00 pm

And the colonies were pretty much anti-Catholic.

V572 Flambé February 22, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Except for GA and MD, which were set up as Catholic colonies and/or concentration camps.

memzilla February 22, 2012 at 12:33 pm

"…once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers."

I had my preeminence sown once, and it was damn painful.

Steverino247 February 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I hope the salad tossing made up for it.

bringmeanaxe February 22, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Santorum opening his mouth is the left's gift from baby Jesus.

hagajim February 22, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Only problem is, every time Rick opens his mouth Santorum comes out.

mrpuma2u February 22, 2012 at 2:13 pm

And the LAWD said "Yea verily, the wacko former senator will spew forth outrageous things, and the words will manifest upon the youtubes, and take the form of ropes, by which he will hangeth himself"

ifthethunderdontgetya February 22, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Hahaha.

Establishment reactionaries are so scared of the Frothy Mix Xandidacy they're back to relying on 80% True.

The schaden freudes itself, my friends.
~

tihond February 22, 2012 at 12:34 pm

In Satan's defense, he just wants to transvaginally probe the United States… to prevent abortions or something.

FakaktaSouth February 22, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Rick Santorum's existence does make me believe in the Devil more-so. He also fucks up my ability to give up swears for lent.

SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

On the other hand, he makes it easy to give up sweater-vests for lent.

Guppy February 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Just say you're giving up king cake and hot cross buns for Lent.

Loaded_Pants February 22, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I have always felt that Satan, should he exist & wanted the ultimate cover, would do his evil works through humans who make a spectacle of their Christian faith & can't shut up about it for one second.

DaRooster February 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm

"If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?"

Uhh… People that use the Christian angle to win over the minds of people that are Christians to benefit and enrich themselves?

Mumbletypeg February 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

was gonna say… if it's good ole homeland-U-S-of-A that's needin' protectin' from Satanical aggression, that's bad newz for all the 'murican missionary types who've been taking pains to head overseas and save those furrin' pagan & heathens from… themselves? Suddenly it's all so confusing… yet those dedicated McChristian visionaries spend hours in their parish halls deliberating over the "Mission Statement" — shocking to think their global-messenger service has gotten it wrong all these years.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm

By "Father Of Lies", does he mean Ailes, or Murdoch himself?

LesBontemps February 22, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Hey, be careful throwing those names around — now this joint smells of sulfur.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

haha

Maman February 22, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Since names are being handed out, can I be the "Mother of Piss Pots"?

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 1:31 pm

OK, but you asked for it!

ShaveTheWhales February 22, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Oh, well done.

elburritodeluxe February 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Wouldn't Satan try to convince a political party that they should abandon the weak and sick, the frail, prisoners and hated minorities? Wouldn't Satan try to get a political party to wage pointless wars that cost thousands of lives? Wouldn't Satan try to convince people to abandon helping others and focus on helping themselves?

bagofmice February 22, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Wouldn't Satan make a DDR gangster movie? http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/th

Loaded_Pants February 22, 2012 at 7:00 pm

D'oh. Wished I had read this comment sooner, I just made a similar point.

SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Yes, we must protect the United States from the threatened attacks by Satan; we also need to prepare against the threats provided by Doctor Doom, the Joker, Magneto, the Predators, Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd, the forces of Cobra, and Megatron and his Decepticons!

freakishlywrong February 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Aaaaannd. for us non-Muggles, Lord Voldermort.

TheMightyHaltor February 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

You forgot Poland.

MosesInvests February 22, 2012 at 1:02 pm

The Lord Sauron is very displeased that he was omitted from this list. Expect Nazgul on your doorstep momentarily.

LiveToServeYa February 22, 2012 at 2:05 pm

It's all fun and games until Galactus shows up in lunar orbit.

Swampgas_Man February 22, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I still think we can ally ourselves w/ Ming the Merciless.

slowhansolo February 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Sinestro would like a word with you.

HeadlockSally February 22, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Don't forget the Cylons. I shudder to think what would happen if they formed an unholy alliance with the Decepticons and the Zords.

GOPCrusher February 22, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Rita Repulsa?
Doesn't she do that donkey show in Tijuana?

paris biltong February 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Islamists often refer to Satan (sometimes confusing Him with the USA) so it's not entirely surprising that a Christian fundamentalist should do the same.
Palin thinks that those who criticize him are pissing in the wind, or something (http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0212/73156.html)

memzilla February 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Judging by all the frothy Rethuglitard bloviation, I'm guessing they think that Satan is a giant vagina with horns and a tail.

I'd like to see them all take a long walk off a short pier, and watch them decide if it was better to row vs. wade.

freakishlywrong February 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm

The Handmaid's Fail

BaldarTFlagass February 22, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Nobody expects the Pennsylvania Inquisition.

V572 Flambé February 22, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Makes you wish someone would ask Ricky who killed Jeebus.

V572 Flambé February 22, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Exactly. So (assuming he’d ever have a press conference) if someone would just ask…

marinmaven February 22, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Needs moar brimstone and smiting.

MissTaken February 22, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Hail Satan!

Biel_ze_Bubba February 22, 2012 at 2:23 pm

*blushes*

UnholyMoses February 22, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Your moves, Hel, Yama, and Thanatos …

smashedinhat February 22, 2012 at 12:38 pm

How many battalions does Satan have?

Steverino247 February 22, 2012 at 12:54 pm

God is on the side with the big battalions.

LesBontemps February 22, 2012 at 1:07 pm

My ex-wife had big battalions. I'm pretty sure she was Satan.

JustPixelz February 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

All of them Katie. When we wage war, he wins.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 22, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Are you counting my lawyers?

HistoriCat February 22, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Please – not the lawyers!

WhatTheHeck February 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I’ve got news for you Ruck. The U.S. has been in the grips of satan once the white kids began to listen to the devil music of the black kids. Lately, satan is throwing up abortion and homosexuality as a smoke-screen to confuse, ’cause he won. His real disciples are busy on Wall Street.

GOPCrusher February 22, 2012 at 3:35 pm

ELVIS PRESLEY LIBEL !!1!1

BaldarTFlagass February 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I shouted out
"Who killed the fetuses?"
Well after all
It was you and me

And I lay traps for candidates
Who get killed before they reach Tampa Bay.

Pleased to meetchoo!

tribbzthesquidz February 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Literally!

UnholyMoses February 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

And if I were Satan I would … well, as a liberal, I already am Satan, according to Senator Frothy McAnallube.

So I'd hope for Santorum to get the nomination, make a federal law overturning the nutjobs' restrictions on abortion, tax the rich at a 50% effective rate, ensure oil companies pay their fair share and use that money on research to end as much oil usage as possible, and stop torturing/renditioning/drone-killing enemies so we stop making them faster than we can kill them.

I know, I know … how very evil of me.

chicken_thief February 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Unholy, I bet you're one of them librul bastards that is going to try to cram universal health care down our throats, too. Also. Arghhhh!!!! When will Zombie Reagan come back and save us?!!!

Nothingisamiss February 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Ok, srsly? That list makes me cry. Why the FUCK isn't at least some of this being ATTEMPTED?!

I'm angry this afternoon, I'll carry on snarkily soon.

Ruhe February 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

"To whom and for what?" should Rick apologize you ask. Why to all of us Satanists who can say with faith-based confidence that our Lord has no intention of attacking the USA. On the contrary, he likes it fine just the way it is. Of course, Rick and other's like him are all just part of the plan so I guess he doesn't really need to apologize. He's just doin' some work.

Callyson February 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country, the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?
That's as good an explanation for the 2012 GOP field as any I can think of…

chicken_thief February 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

“And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country, the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?"

Well, I'll tell ya, Mr Frothy, it wouldn't be the country that has Chuck fucking Norris on its side.

mavenmaven February 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

And he'll replace the Supreme Court with the Spanish Inquisition! (no one expected that!)

freakishlywrong February 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

The pundits are falling all over themselves, blaming the MEDIA, (yeah, I know), for focusing on all his crazy ass religious shit. They all in unison say that he really wants to talk about the economy and his coal miner dad, but the media keeps asking him about Terry Schivo his religious views. Fucking pundits.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Ricky's coal-miner roots are as bogus as Romney's working-class roots. It's baffling, until you remember that they're targeting America's vast 'stupid' demographic.

paris biltong February 22, 2012 at 12:44 pm

"If you were Satan" = Empathy.

ManchuCandidate February 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Who doesn't hate Satan?

He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good so be bad for badness sake.

memzilla February 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I can't tell if Cthulhu is mad for being omitted, or happy that His Plan remains hidden.

bagofmice February 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

What I want to know is how in the hell he cools his datacenters. It's got to take a lot of cpu cycles to track the sin status of 7 billion people.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 12:59 pm

He has an agreement with God to access the data on iCloud.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Two words: cheap labor.

chicken_thief February 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

A little ot, but is Rick cupping his jugs in that pic?!

Generation[redacted] February 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Hmmmmm… I wonder who could be causing Rick to cop an air-feel like that… could it be… SATAN???!

Chichikovovich February 22, 2012 at 1:17 pm

He's describing the huge…. tracts of land in the country Satan is attacking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3YiPC91QUk

banana_bread February 22, 2012 at 2:52 pm

His wife's actually over in the front pew.

littlebigdaddy February 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I don't know, but that speech sounds kind of imamy to me. I think we should send him to Gitmo.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 22, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Send him to Kandahar Province … he'd fit right in with the Taliban on most social issues.

SayItWithWookies February 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

You'll have to excuse Brother Rick — he's been a little tetched since he flunked out of Wizard School.

GeoffPeterson February 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

"Christian as the dickens" is an interesting phrase, since "dickens" in this context is a euphemism for the devil. So really, Santorum is as Christian as Satan, which I can fully believe.

On another note, glad to see you back, Jim!

Chichikovovich February 22, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Though I think he stumbled over his words, meaning to write "Christian as all those other dicks". But then he changed it to "dickens" to avoid giving Wonkette a reputation for being a hangout of a potty-mouths.

iburl February 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm

like that would ever fuckin' happen.

An_Outhouse February 22, 2012 at 12:47 pm

If I was Satan I would rape young boys. Good thing I'm not.

Generation[redacted] February 22, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I'm still on the fence until I see a specific plan to protect us from the intergalactic warlord Xenu.

doloras February 22, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Tom Cruise has one.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Wake me up when Drudge reveals which Republican politicians he's seen at the bars.

SoBeach February 22, 2012 at 12:49 pm

“ If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?

Easy. Aruba. It's gorgeous there this time of year.

BaldarTFlagass February 22, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Isn't that special?

jodyleek February 22, 2012 at 3:08 pm

My bulbous naughty parts are fully engorged and perky.
Time for the Superior dance. Hit it, Pearl!

donner_froh February 22, 2012 at 12:51 pm

If Santorum apologized for his Satan speech he would just be apologizing for being Rick Santorum and for bothering people with his stupid crap. Which he should do but won't.

gullywompr February 22, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Queue the E-Trade baby's shocked face – "whaaaaaa?"

tribbzthesquidz February 22, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Santorum? Hardly know 'im!

Mumbletypeg February 22, 2012 at 12:52 pm

sad but true, that editors of major political outlets still look to the goddamn Drudge Report for their story assignments all goddamn day, just as they did in 1999

I would take it as far back as the apostolic age or whichever year C.E. And whatever their equivalent of current-events-town-criers were polluting passers-by's minds even then. It all started with your godforsaken Jesus-freak heroes, Ricky. Here on the one hand is a passel of virtuous chosen-ones to be disciples carrying forward the message of redemption and grace and forgiveness as endowed by their purported visited-in-the-flesh Messiah; – - yet on the other, it is SOOO much more interesting, profitable and score some chicks with yon beat-that-you-can-dance-to if instead you take your cues, talking points and tunes from the Devil's playground that you're "saving" them from.

BaldarTFlagass February 22, 2012 at 12:53 pm

"Matt Drudge happened to leave it up as his main story for many hours,"

You know where else the main story gets left up for hours? Yeah, you got it.

Chichikovovich February 22, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Main story left up for hours? Oh, very nice – we at Wonkette dreeeaaam of having the main story left up just for hours. Why last weekend there was a main story up so long it got 2000 posts, 1950 of them random names of presidents, while we hit the refresh key every 5 minutes and ate boiled mud and drank the last thimble-full of Thunderbird.

But you know what … we were happy then. It was a simpler time.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I thought the Rapture had happened and the Editors had been Taken Up!!

elburritodeluxe February 22, 2012 at 12:55 pm

It's the economy, Satan!

JustPixelz February 22, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Let's see. Climate change, which is confirmed through 150 years of data, laboratory experiments showing heat trapping behavior of CO2, historically validated computer models and anecdotal observations (shrinking snowcaps, etc) … climate change is unproven "political science", a "hoax". But loosely translated passages from the bible are our guide to public policy. Did I miss something?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 22, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Only every epidode of Faux News, ever.

MissTaken February 22, 2012 at 12:55 pm

This frothy fuck also says that mainline Protestants are Satan's Spawn. Methinks Santorum got a bit of a crush on Satan but doesn't have the nerve to ask him out on a date.

SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I do wonder why the media isn't pressing Rick the bigot on his anti-Protestant stance – that just might now go over too well with the Republican base.

Chichikovovich February 22, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Except that most of that base would agree with Rick on mainline Protestants. The view is that the Episcopalians, the non-Synod Lutherans, etc. substitute social works and charity for the gospel of Christ, and hence are not actually Christians. (No snark – I know many people who believe this.)

Nothingisamiss February 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

You are correct, sir. Any number of people I know would confirm this.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Not to mention not taking every God-blessed word in the Holy Bible literally.

ShaveTheWhales February 22, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Where "every" means "those that support my opinion", and "literally" means "interpreted in however convoluted a fashion as is needed to make them support my opinion".

VinnyThePooh February 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Ferret Face and his religious malpractice.

Buzz Feedback February 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

If I were Satan, I'd attack Canada. Don Cherry, to be exact.

SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 1:02 pm

No, it's the war between the US and Canada that allowed Satan to escape and begin his reign; particularly the execution of Terrence and Phillip.

Biff February 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Yet the Queef Sisters still walk free.

Chichikovovich February 22, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Don Cherry is Satan.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Jesus, is the Trad vs. Free beef still happening?!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Cherry_(jazz)

My bad.

DoktorThompson February 22, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Like Jesus said, "Blessed are the powerful and influential, because the meek are a bunch of pussies."

Generation[redacted] February 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

"Blessed are the poor when they finally get off their lazy asses and become job creators. Until then, fuck 'em I'm using my money to buy a new boat." I'm pretty sure that's how that went.

Nothingisamiss February 22, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"Fuck the peacemakers. They are appeasers. Blessed are you if you bomb and destroy, for you shall inherit the scorched earth."

Steverino247 February 22, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Speaking of Satan, how's his boy Adrian Woodhouse doing? He would be almost 46 by now.

Blueb4sunrise February 22, 2012 at 12:59 pm
rickmaci February 22, 2012 at 12:59 pm

"We look at the shape of mainline Protestantism in this country and it is in shambles, it is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it." I am shocked that nobody has really picked up on this part of his rant. Nothing in my lifetime to compare, a Catholic condemning Protestants? WTF is that all about? The lame brain process at work is absolutely medieval. This kind of bashing of competing Christian sects ended for most of the Western world in the 17th century, with the Thirty Years War. The concept of separation of church and state arises out of the revulsion in Europe to the carnage caused by sectarian intolerance during that period. Sadly, very few Americans understand history anymore. Today, history begins and ends with what happened 24 hours ago. For a bona fide candidate for president to be talking like this, well it's a national embarrassment.

Chichikovovich February 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm

He's not condemning Protestantism as such, just non-fundamentalist Protestantism. He is talking just about the mainstream churches like the Episcopalian church that have embraced liberal theology. Not Protestant fundamentalist churches like (say) Lutheran – Missouri Synod. Those he's fine with. And they would agree with him 100% about churches that embrace liberal theology.

rickmaci February 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I don't care what he may have meant, he should not have been saying anything. As a young Catholic, I was taught that we kept our collective noses out of Protestant business; they worshiped their way, we worshiped ours. How or what they did among their various sects and in their churches was none of our business. He stuck his Catholic nose where it shouldn't have been and I hope he gets it chopped off.

Nothingisamiss February 22, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Well you were obviously taught by devil worshipping Catholics. My cousins recoiled from our mainline chuirch, and we would fuck with them by trying to take communion in theirs. (We thought the Catholics were idol worshippers, anyways, what with the statues and the Latin.)

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 2:04 pm

"This kind of bashing of competing Christian sects ended for most of the Western world in the 17th century, with the Thirty Years War."

You must not have been paying attention to Fundie Bible-Thumpers in the 20th Century then, you Satanic Papist!!

It was still OK to kill the Jews in Enlightened 1940s Europe, also.

rickmaci February 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm

And your point being? I just thought we had learned enough to leave all the sectarian name calling and threats behind. Except for Muslims, of course; all the orthodox sects agree it's Divine work to kill the Muslims.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 3:57 pm

My point being, just because I've stopped killing you doesn't mean I don't think you're going to Hell!!

GOPCrusher February 22, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Quite honestly, I'm surprised that even Ralph Reed hasn't stood up and said "Dayum, this son of a bitch is nuts."

Terry February 22, 2012 at 1:04 pm

For all of Santorum's ranting about birth control and his very pubic profession of being a Catholic, his speeches really tend to be loaded with the Evangelical code words and concepts more so than the Catholic ones. He's even throwing himself to the right of Louisiana Catholics who as a group tend to still be deeply suspicious of Vatican II about fifty years on.

Santorum and the Opus Dei adherents on the Supreme Court don't actually represent the rank and file Catholics, or even some of the priests and nuns.

I'm waiting for someone to ask Santorum about evolution. The RC Church went neutral, more or less on evolution in around 1950. Then in 1996, Pope John Paul II actually had an evolution conference at the Vatican, bringing in scholars from around the world. He ended up coming out to say that there is solid evidence for evolution over a geologic time scale, but held to the idea that God created the soul. I still think that was pretty darn progressive for the leader of a major Christian denomination. Benedict, of course, is trying to screw things up. Fundy Catholics, like Santorum, tend to ignore that the whole period from 1950 to 1996 ever occurred and that those Vatican publications just don't exist. The evolution thing, the office of Pope itself, the non-literal interpretation of the Bible, and the requirement to ACT not just TALK on topics such as charity set the Catholics off from the Fundies. He's not likely to want to chat about any of those wee topics, however, as they will remind his potential Evangelical voters that those Papists ain't really Christians and all.

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Yes, the Catholic Slipper Class have all of these groovy positions, but they only seem to issue the big public fatwas and threaten to excommunicate politicians over the lady parts they have never seen.

fuflans February 22, 2012 at 1:29 pm

i went to a catholic high school (tho my family is episcopalian – mostly for disciplinary reasons). it was actually to the left of my church – all liberal nuns and folksy guitars at mass and bonhoeffer.

i've always had a soft spot for catholics and this new/old breed makes me kinda nauseous.

also, my church had middle earth maps in the rectory.

Chichikovovich February 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm

In the rectory? Didn't they get covered in santorum?

Goonemeritus February 22, 2012 at 1:06 pm

As a Roman Catholic I must say I don’t even recognize this guy’s theology. Granted the Pope is unlikely to be selling his Versace slippers to fund a donation to Planed Parenthood. However from global warming to military adventurism he is way way off the reservation. I think we need to stop thinking of this type of religious overture as reflective of any sizable body of faith. I think the way to see them is a brand new religion The Church of The Republican Party.

EatsBabyDingos February 22, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I'm giving up Santorum for Lint. Maybe a couple of belly buttons worth.

Lucidamente1 February 22, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Is this an example of Santorum foaming at the mouth? or talking out his ass?

Chichikovovich February 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Duh. Foaming out of his ass, silly.

Nothingisamiss February 22, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Same, same.

SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 1:11 pm

If we showed Ricky some of the old Dana Carvey Church Lady sketches, he wouldn't understand why everyone was laughing and would tell everyone to listen to the wise old Christian.

fuflans February 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

rick rick rick! don't peak too soon!

keep the crazy under lock and key til after super tuesday!!!

SheriffRoscoe February 22, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Satan and Jesus are the original Goofus and Gallant.

johnnymeatworth February 22, 2012 at 1:16 pm

By "Father Of Lies," he means Nixon, right?

Catabite February 22, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Satan's after the USA because he can't get a decent burger in hell. That, and he wants him one of those welfare scooters. Satan's getting fat and lazy what with the glut of damned souls nowadays.

Chichikovovich February 22, 2012 at 1:21 pm

He's dumping on the "Father of Lies"?

What has Vincente Minnelli ever done to him?

Tundra Grifter February 22, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I am quite taken with Li'l Ricky's two "explanations" for this speech.

First – "That was in 2008." Like things have changed a lot in the past 4 years?

Second – "That was a speech to a church group." Translated "I give different speeches to different groups. How else could I possibly tell them what they want to hear?" I think he borrowed that one from Mittens.

Larry McAwful February 22, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I was just playing "Led Zeppelin IV" backward, and it told me to donate $100 to Rick Santorum's campaign. Should I do it?

"There's this feeling I get
From that man's sweater vest…"

Nothingisamiss February 22, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Jim Newell, how I've missed you.

a_pink_poodle February 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm

This… this is how Escape from L.A. happens, isn't it?

Wonderthing February 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Just sitting there Drudging up some Santorum, waiting for the second coming of the Lord.
This is verse, could be worse, it's all the terse words I could afford.

glamourdammerung February 22, 2012 at 1:43 pm

If only Christians seemed to care as much about that whole "do not lie" rule as they do the rules they arbitrarily make up.

mavenmaven February 22, 2012 at 1:44 pm

On a similar note, Sarah Palin apparently thought that as VP, with regards to deployment of British troops in Iraq, she would "continue to have an open dialogue" with the Queen. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/sarah-p

BigDumbRedDog February 22, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I wish the catholics and the protestants would just start killing each other again, only this time just leave the rest of us alone.

Nothingisamiss February 22, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Ha, ha, too bad for you. This is the century we kill muslims. Jews, Protestants and Hindus can stand down.

GOPCrusher February 22, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Yahoo had an article about Romney stating that Obama was waging war against religion in this country. I posted a comment asking exactly what "religion" had Obama declared war on and the response was overwhelming every religion except Islam.
I was not aware that we were launching Predator drone strikes against Buddhist monks.

SheriffRoscoe February 22, 2012 at 1:44 pm

If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?

Haha, the guy belongs to the catholic church. Sweet, non-child-rapey, catholic church. He must think we're a bunch of idiots.

KeepFnThatChicken February 22, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Moral Relativism. Catch the fever.

There is no satan. There is no god. These ideas are fables. You're a goddamn child, and you've been bought and paid for by beliefs that don't exist. You. Do. Not. Deserve. The. Presidency. Asshole.

Barrelhse February 22, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Rick, you Catholic girls start much too late.

Barrelhse February 22, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Also, should we drop the "Rick" business and just call him Dick?

RadioSBJ February 22, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Ready for their response?
Alinsky (what is their fetish with this guy anyhow?) dedicated Rules For Radicals to Lucifer!!1!!
ZOMG

mmeetoilenoir February 22, 2012 at 1:58 pm

[shallow] Mock turtlenecks are evidence of Satan. How ticky-tacky. How did this dweeb ever get laid? Every piece of his wardrobe is full of evil and shame.[/shallow]

Hey…you know who ELSE is possessed by Satan?

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 1:59 pm

"Assasin's Creed: Sanctum Santorum" is perhaps the worst game in this franchise!

bagofmice February 22, 2012 at 6:51 pm

At least the kid is protected by the animus.

BarackMyWorld February 22, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Biel_ze_Bubba February 23, 2012 at 6:18 am

I don't mind, really. Makes my work that much easier.

LiveToServeYa February 22, 2012 at 2:11 pm

He's right. Santa is threatening America with free toys made by his socialistic followers. CAPITALISM IS IN PERIL!

Manhattan123 February 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"The Father of Lies"? Who the fuck talks like that? What is wrong with these people?

GOPCrusher February 22, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Too many viewings of Ben Hur.

slowhansolo February 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I should probably stay out of this, because my theology is phony.

Deportably_Jose February 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm

No Jim, the reason this is news at all isn't that Santorum believes in Satan, so much as because he believes that other Christians who pray to Jesus in American instead of Latin are basically the Church of Satan. It's not about being super-churchy, but about the fact that he's attacking other churchy white people, for not being churchy in exactly the way he is.

Because any other sort of bigotry is basically okay, in America.

prommie February 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm

You kidding? This is just mainstream fundamentalist-Bob Jones U-hardline jeebuser shit. My stepdaughter went to a "christian" elementary school that had a written rule that it wouldn't accept kids whose parents belonged to churches belonging to the American Council of Churches (the definition of "Mainline Protestantism.")

littlebigdaddy February 22, 2012 at 4:26 pm

On top of ol' Frothy
All covered with cheese
I see some santorum
Won't you clean it up please!

chascates February 22, 2012 at 7:45 pm

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
–some skinny Indian guy

ttommyunger February 22, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Santorum behind the Pulpit. You know he's got to love that. I'm guessing his tiny goober was harder than Chinese Arithmetic when this shot was taken.

nobodyssweetheart February 22, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Probably a lot more fun at parties, too

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

In what respect, Charlie?

(Seriously, I'd like to know.)

littlebigdaddy February 22, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Jesuits are great. Smart, independent minded, and, yes, willing to serve sherry to their literature students. I somehow don't think Ricky is THAT kind of Catholic.

bagofmice February 22, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Quick, calculate the damnation delta!

rickmaci February 22, 2012 at 1:06 pm

LOL. Same here. A Jesuit talked me out of attending a prominent Catholic university with his statement that "Catholic Scholarship" is an oxymoron.

Maman February 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

My husband went to a school run by the Brother's of the Holy Cross. They were somewhat less amusing with warnings taken randomly out of proverbs

HempDogbane February 22, 2012 at 1:37 pm

What could be more Catholic than santorum?

Chet Kincaid February 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

OK, so I ask because I've always heard about what hipsters the Jesuits are supposed to be. What exactly do Jesuit priests not believe in that's mandated by Catholicism, and how do they get away with it?

starfanglednut February 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

All of…

Oh, forget it.

SorosBot February 22, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Hell going to a Jesuit high school helped teach me to think for myself and to dump Catholicism for atheism.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 22, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Not that they'd ever acknowledge it publicly, but their belief in the infallibility of the Pope is highly suspect. They'll give it lip service, but they're inclined to think that sometimes the Pope mishears what God is saying.
As the far-intellectual wing of the church, they put a lot of stock in education, science, and reason (hence Georgetown, B.C., Fordham, Loyola, Marquette, etc.) That, plus a predilection for the more socialist/commie side of Jeebus' teachings, gets them into recurrent trouble with Rome.
Bottom line: If you see a priest in a civil/gay/women's rights march, he's probably a Jesuit.

Graham Cracker February 22, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I only dumped Catholicism for agnosticism, but then, I only went to a Benedictine High School.

Guppy February 22, 2012 at 2:23 pm

A dozen kids each less than a year apart in age.

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