downton abbortion

‘Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs On A Woman’s Womb Act’ Will Never Be

Bill sponsor Rep. Trent Franks would like a word with your fetus. ALONE.Do you remember the surreal “Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act of 2011,” the bill written in high-pitched banshee shrieks and designed to stem a fictional tide of sex- and race-based abortions? Remember how no one in real life — NO ONE — could figure out how the hell, exactly, this law could possibly be enforced, or really why it should exist at all, in any form, on any planet, at any point in geologic time? Well, everyone is still on the same page on those two points. Still stupid, still pointless, situation unchanged. But the bill’s supporters were forced to change its name, due to “objections by [House Judiciary Committee] Democrats.” The drama! The intrigue! THE ABORTIONS!

Congratulations, Rep. Hank Johnson! (NOT pictured, that’s goosey-face bill sponsor Trent Franks above.) Johnson is the unofficial Congressman of the Week, for proposing not one but two completely excellent new names for this ABORTION of an attempt at law-making. Sadly, “The Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs on a Woman’s Womb Act” and “The Tea Party Determines What Rights a Woman Has Act” did not exactly resonate with the unskilled onanists responsible for the bill ultimately passing 20-13. Oh, well, thanks for the yuks anyhow, Congressman! [CNS News]

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    1. Terry

      Word. The Tea Partiers came to office claiming an interest in job creation and improvement of the economy. Who knew that women's reproductive systems were the key to both.

      1. Baconzgood

        Look at the bright side. They imploded the GOP in a matter of like 18 months. They have done more to destroy it (in the eyes of normal Americans) than any one on the left EVAR hoped to do.

          1. Baconzgood

            This kinda bat shit crazy can't sustain its self. You can't sprint with this much insane. It's got to be like cross country. They need to pace or else they'll keel over.

          2. James Michael Curley

            Agreed. But more importantly, we shall do. I fear a November 7 where too, too many people get up and say; "But everyone said he was going to win. so I didn't vote."

            I got that from all the ward captains I contacted over the last few days to show up at the nominating convention tonight.

          3. BerkeleyBear

            Yeah, let's not have a Hamas in the PA moment. "You voted for the idiot as a joke? So did I . . shit!"

    2. finallyhappy

      I am thinking of offering my uterus to them if they are so interested – then they can leave alone women who are still using theirs.

      1. emmelemm

        Seriously, they can extract mine and keep it in a jar and do anything they want with it. Just leave ME the fuck alone!

    3. chicken_thief

      Please, nooooooo!!!! I've been googling like a mofo to try to find where I could join the enforcement team – I'd love to be "Top Cop" in the Uterus Patrol.

    4. actor212

      Hey, they reunited and then re-broke up aready! I loved some of their songs, especially "Walking On Your Womb" and "Wrapped Around Your Fallopian Tube"

    1. Chichikovovich

      It's the name they have in reserve for the national version of the Virginia rape-by-steel-probe for abortion seekers act.

      This one they ended up calling "Outlaw the Job-Killing Sex/Race Selection Abortions Act"

    2. freakishlywrong

      I can't wait for the 2012 "Get the Fuck out of the Government, You Ignorant Teatards, Back to the Sticks with you" Act.

  1. Hera Sent Me

    How about the "Government Can Shove Anything It Wants In Your Hooha, And You Should Just Lie There And Take It" Bill?

    1. WiscDad

      Rick Perry got that passed in Texas didn't he? I seem to recall a story from the rent-boy book where he actually applied the law while out for a jog.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        I'd be willing to second that amendment if you'll co-sponsor my new bill: "Donkey Punches for Anyone with an R after Their Names Affordable Care Act."

        1. memzilla

          Hmmm, let's see… (flip flip flip)… ok, paragraph 5, line 3… move to replace "closed fist" with "nail-studded steel probe." Back to you, Fare.

  2. Dashboard Shmoo

    Franks looks like he's saying, "Ok Fetus Doe…show me on the doll where the where the mean doctor touched you".

  3. Maman

    hmm. Judiciary committee, eh? In Illinois we treated a bills dealing with lady parts differently. We send those bills to the agriculture department. Get it? Ladies = cows. We know how to have fun in Illinois!

  4. Negropolis

    Hank is the dude that thought an American base on some Pacific island might cause it to tip, right?

  5. LesBontemps

    I'm gonna go out and stock up on abortions right now, so I can sell them over the internet after this bill becomes law. Free market, bitches!

    1. JustPixelz

      Actually, I think some enterprising travel agent will come up with discount flights for women who would rather not spend money on ultrasound and hotel rooms for mandatory waiting periods and run the gauntlet. Orbitz, are you listening?

  6. donner_froh

    “Can we not at least agree as Americans that it is wrong to knowingly kill unborn children because they are the wrong color or because they are baby girls instead of baby boys?” for women to think they have any rights other than those granted to them by the Republican Party?

    Fixed it for you, asshole.

    1. Chichikovovich

      “Can we not at least agree as Americans that it is wrong to knowingly kill unborn children because they are the wrong color or because they are baby girls instead of baby boys?”

      Absolutely. In fact, we can agree as Americans that it is wrong to kill children of any kind, born or unborn, for any reason.

      Fortunately, early gestation fetuses aren't children, and abortion (at least first and second trimester) isn't the killing of children.

      So we're agreed, right? That was easy – the post-partisan era begins now, I guess.

      1. not that Dewey

        But it's perfectly cricket to kill born children who are the wrong color, cf Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan.

    2. Guppy

      Except girls might grow up to have abortions in the future. One abortion now saves us from untold hundreds later!

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    So, Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass conceived a child, and then she had an abortion? I'd buy that for a dollar (coin, not bill).

  8. Trannysurprise

    But will the cafe still serve fish on Fridays at the Abortionplex?


    1. finallyhappy

      Not sure about the abortionplex but the mammo/sonoplex I went to 2 weeks ago had an excellent coffee bar on the first floor.

  9. Chichikovovich

    I look forward to Romney's next speech, in which he explains that Obama had nothing to do with the recovery and they high Dow, except by slowing them down. The only reason for the improving economy is the dozens of petty forced-birth bills that the House and state legislatures spend all their time on.

  10. paris biltong

    How about a "Post-mortal Non-discrimination Act"? I'm tired of seeing tombstones that say "Wife of…" or even "Spouse of the above".

      1. paris biltong

        I occasionally get out of the house. The tomb I'm referring to is in London's Brompton cemetery and reads, at the bottom "Also in memory of Kate Edith Hirst, Wife of the above," the above being of a Mr. Reginald Hirst.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Thanx – I regretted posting such a lame attempt at banter in my pre-caffinated stupor. But it induced a nice glimpse into a distant world, so it's all good.—

      2. sewollef

        Actually some are in English. There's a cemetery in northern Paris — St Denis to be exact — where along with the gazillion cats that roam the grounds there's a number of gravestones that are written in English.

        Can't figure out why, since the person[s] buried all appear to have French surnames.

  11. Terry

    "Offended at the use of the names of two civil rights heroes, Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga.) offered his own titles for the bill: “The Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs on a Woman's Womb Act” and “The Tea Party Determines What Rights a Woman Has Act.”"

    I think I need to toddle over and make a nice donation to Hank Johnson's reelection campaign. I'm not sure what else he stands for, but those titles are pure awesomeness.

  12. Barb

    "Rep. Hank Johnson" If he can get this bill to pass he will change his name to Rep "Thank Johnson." We will be ruled by a bunch of old white Johnsons and we will have to bow down to them. A 9 lb 2 oz baby boy? Thank you, Johnson, may I have another?

  13. Negropolis

    OT: The latest Marist poll for Michigan released this morning show a virtual tie in the primary (37% Romney, 35% Santorum), but the real story is the general:

    Obama: 51%
    Romney: 33%

    Obama: 53%
    Paul: 31%

    Obama: 55%
    Santorum: 29%

    Obama: 56%
    Gingirch: 28%

    Okay, so maybe it's a little closer than this, but wow. Each could win every single undecided and still lose the state.

    1. Terry

      People outside of Michigan don't realize how key the auto industry is not just to that state or region but to the country overall. Sure, it's a big part of the identity of that region and a major employer in actual auto plants. But there's a ripple effect, too. There are many companies that sell parts or systems to the auto makers. Design and engineering companies do contract work for the automakers. Truck and train lines move parts and completed cars. All the workers in those companies pay rent or mortgages, they shop in grocery stores and at the mall, they go out to movies, and so forth

      When Mitt proposed letting the automakers fail, he was calling for the economic equivalent of pulling stitches out of a sweater which would then cause the garment to unravel. Mitt, of course, would stand back and not recognize why the sweater was now a pile of yarn on the floor.

      1. Negropolis

        It's also not even just that the parts suppliers supply the auto industry. Many of these suppliers have the Big Three as their primary client, but also make parts for buses and trains and municipal equipment and so forth and so on. Same with many of the technology companies that both supply the auto industry, and use the money they make off the big contracts with them to develop software and systems for other pieces of technology.

        People tend to think of the state as nothing but rust, but Michigan routinely ranks in the top five states when it comes to R&D; a lot of that is with the auto industry, of course, but it produces a lot of spin-off.

        1. James Michael Curley

          All the companies that make the molded dashboard, seat backs, roof liners and such so prevalent on today's cars make thousands of other molded plastic products right down to that food container you threw away today. Many of those companies manufacture in the US for two reasons, the cost of shipping the car parts to US assembly plants is too high if shipped from across and ocean and the particular plastic, pvc, polistyrene materials have intellectual export restrictions.

      2. Mumbletypeg

        don't realize how key the auto industry is … pile of yarn on the floor..

        *applause for Terry*

        I unload my morning supply of thumb's at your doorstep. All one of them, that is~

      3. memzilla

        Another little-known fact about Michigan: its biggest industry is not the auto industry… it's tourism. Who knew?

        1. Terry

          Part of that is because Michiganders by and large only vacation in their own state. I've met a large number of people there who have never been out of the State. Even in Detroit where you could almost drive into Ohio or Canada by accident. They all seem to have a cabin by a lake or pond or a place up on the U.P., or dream of having one.

    2. Goonemeritus

      I look forward to the after election conservative spin on why they lost. I bet it will be something like “these candidates were just too liberal” or “the media was in the tank for Obama”

      1. SorosBot

        That and more screams of "voter fraud!" with no evidence – because to them, any black or brown persons' votes are fraudulent.

        1. HistoriCat

          Now to be fair, we have seen actual evidence of voter fraud – there was O'Keefe's little adventure in New Hampshire and that guy who was convicted in Indiana (?).

          Sure those are both examples of fraud by Republicans but it's still voter fraud.

      2. memzilla

        I'm betting they'll use the "We were stabbed in the back" excuse for their fail.

        Say, you know who else used the "we were stabbed in the back" excuse… ?

  14. Goonemeritus

    When oh when will they identify markers in amniotic fluid to predict if a fetus will grow up conservative. I look forward to the day when we can add one more reason to have recreational abortions.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Lay your hand flat on the desk. Is your index ring longer than your index finger? If so, a little study years ago found you were likely to be liberal and possibly democrat. Just recently a study found that you also had higher testosterone levels in your amniotic fluid and in your little fetus body.

  15. Negropolis

    How about the "We Like Practicing Our Love on Women Act of 2012" or "We Want Government So Small That It Can Fit Into Your Vajayjay Actor of 2012"?

  16. Texan_Bulldog

    When is National Don't Have an Abortion Day? (Since apparently we women are getting them on a daily basis.)

  17. Negropolis

    I want everyone to actually read the entire link. It shows exactly what is wrong with Congress. The whole thing was a debacle. I felt embarrassed for them just reading the debate.

      1. SorosBot

        The only thing that's good are some of Rep. Johnson's statements, pointing out how stupid the whole enterprise is. And pointing out the truths about St. Reagan the wingnuts like to pretend to ignore:

        “In 1980, candidate Ronald Reagan announced his candidacy for the president of the United States in Philadelphia,” Johnson replied, before being cut off by Chabot who said, “I know exactly what you are going to say.”

        1. Negropolis

          I thought the entire thing was silly, because ultimately arguing over the name of such a horrible bill misses the point. And, the result of the silly debate over the naming ultimately got the name changed to something that sounds far more benign and passable. Of course, this never makes it through the Senate, but if the argument over the name ends up with the result of actually making the bill easier to pass, and all you got out of it was being able to say "Ronald Reagan was a racist" as if that had anything to do with the bill (Johnson brought up Reagan, to boot, who himself would not even be this crazy on abortion), and I'm really not sure who "won", here.

          I go crazy when people use the "both sides do it" minimization, but this looks like one of those classic, rare examples of why people hate Congress, in general.

  18. OC_Surf_Serf

    “The Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs on a Woman’s Womb Act”

    Mr. Johnson, tear down this womb.

  19. Fare la Volpe

    For the love of fuck, don't read the comments on that article. I honestly don't understand how people are that stupid in the 21st century.

    1. MrFizzy

      People are stupider now than they were a hundred years ago – at least then their tiny little brains were not being filled with fox news and images of ricky santorum.

    2. finallyhappy

      I know – I have to stop reading comments on ANY news website and really any website except Wonkette and Ravelry

  20. Fare la Volpe

    “The gentleman has just more or less taken Ronald Reagan's name in vain and said that had Ronald Reagan been around back in slavery times, he would have been for slavery,” [Rep. Steve Chabot (R-Ohio)] said. “I do not think that is the case.”

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our money quote.

    1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      We stone people for that, don't we?

      (Actually, if it were truly based on Reagan's positions, the law would had be "The Ronald Reagan Get Votes By Promising To Impose Your Beliefs on a Woman’s Womb But Only Address Pro-Life Rallies In Washington DC By Telephone Because Not Even You Want To Be Seen in Public With Those Loons Act”)

    2. Chichikovovich

      Damn. The first time I read that I thought it must be from some cementhead's comments on the article. That is a genuine Congressman speaking. Mind-numbing. I suppose the Councils of Constantinople, Nicea, etc. will have to be amended so we'll start speaking of the Holy Quadrinity.

    3. Dudleydidwrong

      Thou shalt not take Ronald's name in vain, for the Lord will not dispense jelly beans to those who taketh his name in vain.

      Pretty soon there will be a law that makes it a crime to use Ronald Reagan's name in a disparaging or snarky manner. "He whose name we dare not utter once said…" will become the proper form of address and use.

  21. Negropolis

    BTW, isn't Trent Franks another rumored closet case with a not-so-rumored penchant for homophobia and other extremely conservative social views? Can't they just leave the rest of us out of their personal hell?

    1. Fare la Volpe

      The last thing I want to think about is Hairlip Trent wrapping his hairlip lips around some young stud's cock with his hairlip.


    1. Fare la Volpe

      Silly Chascates. The answer is never, because vasectomies are for men, and therefore protected by the Constitution.

      1. Gunner Asch

        On the other hand, vasectomies reduce the munchkin pop-out rate and that makes Baby Jebus cry. I wouldn't be too surprised to see some no-vasectomies legislation.

    2. freakishlywrong

      More importantly, why isn't this being asked by our stupid, stupid media, every time one of these goobers pontificates?

  22. cheetojeebus

    So, All this 'Scientific' information has me wondering. When do they implant the wee baby lizard?

    1. JustPixelz

      The Repubicans only accept science that fits their belief system. Such as "abstinence education works". Or "god created the universe in seven days". Or "climate change is a hoax".

      Science that has actual facts (with their inherent liberal bias) is ignored.

  23. SorosBot

    God, why did go on to read the comments? We've got "If you stop providing this service to the animals, making them pay for being irresposible, this problem would dissappear. Better yet impose a tax on it like everyother vice tax!! " and "Just another shuck and jive Democrap trying to get a little limelight for himself".

    But the right wing isn't racist at all, no.

    1. Redhead

      Impose a vice tax on… getting pregnant? Kids are vices now? What happened to the family values they scream about (whenever they don't have rentboy cock/ball gag shoved in their mouths)?

      1. SorosBot

        Little comments like this that are telling; to these shit-for-brains, a woman fucking is a vice (obviously it's fine and natural for a man to do it), and she should have to pay for it.

        1. Ruhe

          The congressman's defense: "I blow my dog whistle because I like blowing it. I have no idea which dogs will come when they hear it."

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Having white Republican babies = family values
        Having brown Democrat babies = vice

        See? It's simple.

  24. EatsBabyDingos

    What would Reagan do if he were alive today? Roll around in his feces. Like Congressional Republicans.

  25. johnnyzhivago

    Here's an idea for the GOP. A bill that declares the ENTIRE UNIVERSE (except the earth) an Abortion Free Zone. Also ban abortions under the ocean and on US zones of Antartica, as well as over US airspace.

    In addition – forbid men from having abortions – which would go at least half way toward their goal of preventing Americans from having the procedure. Add in a ban on Medicare paying for Senior Citizens to have abortions.

  26. Dashboard Shmoo

    It just occurred to me. In some, more rural parts, of the country, folks might think he has a pretty mouth.

  27. Indiepalin

    Those republicans have short memories. Reagan WAS around during the era of slavery, having been born in an Illinois manger around 1833. He actually served in the Civil War, peripherally, starring in early daguerreotypic recruiting advertisements. He was, however vigorously opposed to slavery and abortion. He also favoured building of a primitive steam-powered border fence designed to boil illegals in their own anti-american juices. Wow, I knew it was too early to start drinking…

    1. Fare la Volpe

      I had a nearly full screwdriver left on my bedside table from last night that I polished off before I even brushed my teeth. I'm right there with ya.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Didn't he fly Hellcats for George Washington? How else did we win at Yorktown. The French had nothing to do with it–damn those history textbooks!

  28. Redhead

    They only said race and gender… so it's still okay to abort my fetus if I'm convinced he's going to grow up to be a Repugnicant asshole?

  29. gizdal

    will there be enough jails to hold all the women having illegal abortions? and for the doctors who perform these sinful, anti-GOP acts of treachery? what sentences will they get? have any teapartiers
    thought about this?

  30. donner_froh

    Johnson’s statements drew ire from Rep. Steve Chabot (R-Ohio). “The gentleman has just more or less taken Ronald Reagan's name in vain and said that had Ronald Reagan been around back in slavery times, he would have been for slavery,” he said. “I do not think that is the case.”

    Then you haven't been paying attention, Rep. Steve Chabot. Ronnie would have gushed about how all those slaves were thrilled to be owned by such fine southern gentlemen.

  31. Tundra Grifter

    "Remember how no one in real life — NO ONE — could figure out how the hell, exactly, this law could possibly be enforced…"

    Isn't that the whole right wing nutz' thing about not attempting to legislate outcomes?

  32. donner_froh

    But Franks then said, “Just because there were no murders in the Northwest Territory does not mean you do not have a statute on the books.”

    The best argument yet for not allowing women to control their own bodies.

    1. Baconzgood

      I diagramed those words on a flow chart and have been staring at it for 20 min. I still can heads or tails of it.

    2. MadBrahms

      Incidentally, the Northwest Territory is where all Americans will have to go to get abortions, in the Republican dream-future.

  33. Negropolis

    We've gotten to the point at which every Wonkette article can now be tagged with "This is why America can't have nice things."

    This has got to be a subconscious GOP Congress' cry for help. It's almost as if they are trying to hand back over the reigns. Anyone notice how the party has now completely and utterly out-crazied Boehner? You see him pop his head up, now and again, but generally, he's running behind the party trying to catch up with it.

    Meanwhile, Nancy is in her corner, intently staring at the gavel prize with her glassy-eyed gaze, licking her chops, and waiting, just waiting for the right time to pounce…

  34. freakishlywrong

    Holy fuckity-fuck:Well, you libs would know all about imposing your beliefs! What about that imposed distribution of birth control thingy? Hypocrites! Religious freedom is why we fought the revolutionary war! Maybe it's time for another!

    "Distribution" is not "forcing to take" and "Religious freedom"..whaaaa?

    1. Fare la Volpe

      You're missing the choicest quote:

      "Religious freedom is why we fought the revolutionary war!"

      Just let that sink in for a minute.

  35. DoktorThompson

    DAMNIT. Now what am I going to do with 10,000 Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act of 2011 commemorative t-shirts?

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      1. The local car wash needs rags
      2. Give 'em to Newt along with a jug of bleach. He'll need a lot of white flags before too long

  36. chascates

    If the American Taliban want to return to the Ways of our Founders we should go all the way:

    Only three of the 13 colonies allowed Catholics to vote. All new England colonies except Rhode Island and the Carolinas prohibited Catholics form holding office; Virginia would have priests arrested for entering the colony; Catholic schools were banned in all states except Pennsylvania.
    During the lead up to revolution, rebels seeking to stoke hatred of Great Britain routinely equated the practices of the Church of England with that of the Catholic Church. In the late 1760s and early 1770s, colonists celebrated anti-Pope Days, an anti-Catholic festival derived from the English Guy Fawkes day (named for a Catholic who attempted to assassinated King James I).

  37. CarbonDating

    “The Ronald Reagan Impose Your Beliefs on a Woman’s Womb Act”

    When a giant twat gets his name on legislation that controls a woman's creation-hole, we call that eponymous.

  38. Mumbletypeg

    So in the next episode of Downton Abbortion, Kaia, will the Societal Menace-branded abbortion itself be taken out with a coat hanger because *the act* was so hush-hush for dealing with in open honesty (even between high-bred's and their handservant-confidantes)? – – or, will Honesty win out against a priggish manor of manners and see abbortion restored from her besmirched reputation back to a seat at the table of noblepeeps and working plebes alike?

  39. MadBrahms

    The committee immediately moved on to other speculative terrors, proposing bills to ban abortions in space, post-apocalyptic thunderdomes, or underwater colonies ruled by mer-men.

  40. rickmaci

    And where will they find their modern day Vajayjay Edgar Hoover to run the Federal Bureau of Bedroom Investigations to enforce their insanity? Their endless energy for this subject reveals volumes about the Republipervs and what they fixate on all day.

  41. frostbitefalls

    Let's name everything after famous people! The Abraham Lincoln Wastewater Treatment Act. The Jackie Robinson Defense Appropriations Act.

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