this has nothing to do with the election

Mitt Romney’s Son Kept Fish In Water Bottle During Cross Country Trip

Animal people listen up! Mitt Romney’s son Craig, of shirtless fame, kept a lil’ fish in his water bottle during his 2009 cross-country trip, just like they strapped that dog on the roof. But is it really “just like” that? No one cares about a fucking fish.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Hopefully it was a piranha and bit the shit out of Craig.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      For all we know, it was a candiru, and Craig let it swim up for yux once in a while.

      Yeah, he's a needledick, he *could* get it into a water bottle.

  • nounverb911

    I'm waiting for the Subaru dogs to strap Mitt to the roof of an Outback.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Wait, there are lesbian dogs?

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

    Aqua Seamus Libel!

    • nounverb911

      Is that the Mormon version of Aqua Buddha?

  • johnnymeatworth

    I heard he also kept a gerbil up his ass.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, Mitt certainly shares Richard Gere's love of hair product. Maybe that's the connection.

  • Mahousu

    What did they do with that furry daughter/son/? on the trip? Or is this one of those questions that shouldn't be asked?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      In quiet rooms, only.

  • edgydrifter

    And now our inland waterways are infested with snakeheads. Coincidence?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Are you suggesting that snakeheads resulted from … (barf)

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Did Craig's brother Tagg keep a fetus in his water jug? If so, Mitten's staph needz to get that out there to top Frothy's Mason jar tale.

  • chascates

    The fish died quickly but was baptized a Mormon and now lives on a water planet where he has 72 female goldfish!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      OK, that really *did* make me LOL.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Are there predators on Mormon planets?

      Because fish being fish, it's going to get very crowded, very quickly.

      (Mormons being Mormons, they won't be far behind on their own planets, especially with that living forever thing — is there no mention from Moroni about how this little problem is supposed to get solved?)

  • SayItWithWookies

    It wasn't just in a water bottle — it was in a water bottle hanging from his bumper. If this is what the Massachusetts moderates the Romneys do to their animals, Republicans, just imagine what they're going to do to your fetus!

    • MadBrahms

      And just how is being swung from someone's bumper any different from sex, mmm?

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    How stuffed is your truck that you can't fit a fucking water bottle in it?

    • MadBrahms

      Crammed full of magical underwear, pink slips, and concentrated smarm, I imagine.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Hey, that fish had diarrhea. They had to put it on the outside of the truck.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    It wasn't a fish!!! It was a baby porpoise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • flamingpdog

      And it wasn't an accident, either – he did it on porpoise!

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Ohhhhhh nooooooooo, the punfestation in spreading.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Hawkeye?

  • Barb

    Maybe he was just being koi about his fetish.

    • LettucePrey

      Or bassful.

      • Barb

        I love you!

        • flamingpdog

          Didn't see you much this weekend. Feeling better?

          • Barb

            I had to take Jeff to the Urgent Care today. He has strep throat and they are testing him for a staph infection. We are feeble little Webbles and taking care of each other by patting each other on the forehead every hour or so. It's the best we can do, LOL!

            How are you Flaming?

          • Barb

            On the way home from the doctor we drove into the neighborhood and saw tons of "lost dog" posters. We found the dog as we went to the mailbox. We called the number on the poster and waited for the lady to come and she was the chattiest person I've ever met. She was trying to stuff a reward in Jeff's pants, lol.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Um … did that reward have, you know, nude photos of her, or her phone number, or anything?

          • Barb

            Jeffery and I are madly in love. It would be useless of her to even try it.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Just remember to watch their hands. (Smack! usually fixes it)

          • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

            Have you seen this dog?

            Because he is just AWESOME.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            He sure fucking IS, dood. What a beaut.

          • RadioSBJ

            Just another reason we all luv you here Barb. A cat as your avatar — so I'm guessing you're a cat person — and both you guys recuperating and yet you find and return a lost dog.
            Mrs. Radio and I saw The Artist last night — she liked it more than me, but I thought the dog in it was pretty cool.

          • flamingpdog

            Been better. I've had problems off and on the last couple of years with a food allergy but I could never pin it down to what food. I think I finally figured out last night that it's carrots. Hopefully I'm right and I won't have this problem anymore. Gettin' old is not for the oldz!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Well, that sux. Carrots are the food of the gods, man.

            Youth is wasted on the young, and old age on the old.

          • Barb

            Wow, allergic to carrots. I'm allergic to shellfish. I hope you feel better soon.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I'm allergic to idiots.

            (You think a food allergy causes problems?)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            ZOMG! Sorry to hear that!

          • ShaveTheWhales

            So, not a ruptured eardrum, I hope.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

        Well, either way, he's not one to carp about it constantly.

        • Nothingisamiss

          There otter be better puns here. (Sorry, I got no fish.)

          • HistoriCat

            But you decided to comment just for the halibut.

          • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

            Salmon Chanted "Evening"….

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            *Some*body musta got laid recently. The wit is sharper than ever.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Got boned, I'm sure you meant to say.

          • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

            Me? I'm just getting paid scale.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You're SO bass.

          • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

            But he's very soleful. I hope he doesn't flounder.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Soleful? I always thought he was more … wolfish, if you know what I mean. More 'eel than sole, one might say.

          • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

            I shore hope not. You can't skate through life that way, without making anemone or two.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Far be it from me to argue with someone whom I will probably meet again in less than ideal circumstances.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    They also made this cross country trip without luggage and a change of clothes so Mitt could fit his loose change in the trunk.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    So long Willard, and thanks for all the fishies!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Fish are animals, too, my friend.

  • RadioSBJ

    I heard he is also a bed-wetter.

  • flamingpdog

    Let's all give Mitt's boy the old Fish Cheer!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya
  • el_donaldo

    No one cares about a fucking fish, says Newell. Well, first they came for the fishes, and I was quiet because I wasn't a fish. And do you know how that ends? Huh, do ya?

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      With tartar sauce, I believe.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        And a lemon wedgie.

  • emmelemm

    {quiet voice} *I* care about a little fish. {/quiet voice}

    • Loaded_Pants

      I had a gold fish once as a kid. Won it from in contest at my grade school's fall festival. I got tired of cleaning it's bowl so often, I decided to "set it free" by letting it loose in the creek near our house. I still feel quilty about that. So that's why I've never kept fish since.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        My child, you have an overdeveloped conscience. I prescribe four weeks with some Young Republicans. That should cure you.

        By the end of that period, you'll be ready willing and able to napalm the little fuckers without a twinge.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And the Asian carp invasion took off the following year.

  • arihaya

    Cruelty toward animals is genetic?

    at this rate I will not be surprised if Mittens' grandson used hamster as golf training ball

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Don't give them any ideas.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      What TexanBulldog said. It wouldn't surprise me in the least.

    • bagofmice

      Well, you might not want to slice on Sparky. Hooking..

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    My pet fish, Darth Betta, plans on writing a strongly-worded letter to the ASPCA about this.

    • emmelemm

      The return of Darth Betta! My favorite Wonkette fish.

  • MissTaken

    This pisses me the fuck off! I've been trying for weeks now to get a little betta fish, and you know what? Can't fucking find a little fish in the East Bay. What the hell? All I want is a little bowl with some rocks, a plastic tree, and a little fish swimming around. And this douchenozzle is walking around with one in his water bottle? For fuck's sake.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      You don't have a WalMart or PetSmart or Petco? You're joking, right?

      • MissTaken

        Sadly, not joking. We do have the above stores but nobody except high end pet shops carry live fish. Walmart has fish food, but no fish. So obnoxious!

        • Barb

          Walmart also sells toothpaste and none of their employees have teeth, go figure.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            God, you're awful, and you never miss a beat either, do ya? (Hugs the Barb)

          • Barb

            Huggles back and Jeff sends some for Cheezeburger Cat.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Aw, that is so sweet, I'm adopting Jeffer as my CheezburgerCatDood.

    • usernameguy

      Since you're being serious, I will say that you don't want a "little bowl" for two reasons:
      1.) It's much easier to maintain water quality with a larger tank, and
      2.) Contrary to popular myth, bettas don't like small bowls. They can survive (for a time), but not thrive.

      I would recommend at least a 10-gallon tank, with live plants. Plants are a little more work, but bettas like to rest and hide among the plants, and they'll help get rid of chemicals your fish doesn't like. Also, you want a relatively tight-fitting lid (some bettas like to jump). Finally, you should learn how to cycle your tank (to grow the bacteria that eliminates ammonia) BEFORE you get a fish, which takes a couple of months to complete. One thing fish-keeping has taught me is patience.

  • C_R_Eature

    What they left out of the article is that the fish is a Betta (Betta splendens) also commonly known as a Siamese fighting fish.

    The ugly truth is that Craig was working the Fishfighting circuit. These poor creatures are selectively bred and trained to kill and there's lots of money to be made.

    The carnage is terrible, the Losers "dissapear" and Long John Silver's Tells No Tales.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      This is great. Is it on ESPN5?

      • C_R_Eature

        Yeah, but it's blacked out in major cities.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Sad, but (probably) true.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I thought that was Long DONG Silver. No?

      • C_R_Eature

        Long John Silver's : What's for Dinner

        Long Dong Silver: What's on Clarence Thomas' VCR

        Easy mistake.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Do the fish cost, like $10,000? Because that would be, you know, appropriate.

      • C_R_Eature

        Ten Grand for a proven champion killer. $500 minimum bets, PayPal accepted.

  • BlueStateLibel

    I see a shark in this guy's future ready to deliver karma.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      OMNomnomnomnomnom.

  • C_R_Eature

    I think what Craig needs is a few good Slaps.

    • GhostBuggy

      You're the best.

      • C_R_Eature

        Thanks! I love this bit.

  • CthuNHu

    Meanwhile, Ann Romney rolls her eyes and tells herself there's no way her kids will be stupid enough to facebook the picture of her duct-taping the cat to the station wagon's antenna for better reception — not that there was anything wrong with that.

    • BlueStateLibel

      She forces her horses to perform extremely tedious dressage routines over and over, that's her contribution to the family's animal-hating.

  • Sparky MacGyver

    Like father, like son… Only even more boring. Meh.

  • MiniMencken

    You know what goes with chips, doncha, laddie?

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Buttsechs?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Buffalo buffalo?

    • flamingpdog

      Erik Estrada?

    • MiniMencken

      Guess you kids don't remember the great scene in "A Fish Named Wanda" or my comments aren't that pop-culturally relevant. Or maybe I am just a sad, alcohol-sodden loner looking for afirmation from the Wonkettariot and not finding it, causing me to slip ever more deeply into my pool of vintage Bordeaux and absinthe…

    • bagofmice

      Chads, just hanging out?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Sadly, the fish died at a fast food place, but it was quickly turned into a Long John Silverfish sandwich.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Uh … ew.

      I was worried for a moment when you… you said the main course was… 'Fish and
      Chips.' We are not THAT plebeian in Cucamonga. But my fears were quickly allayed when I discovered to my delight it was 'Silverfish and Buffalo Chips!'

  • GhostBuggy

    Today, we are all fish in bottles.

    Wait, I really am! Someone help! Before Craig comes back!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Shit," said Romney's cat on TMZ. "I'da given anything to be on top of the car. They wrapped me in duct tape to the engine mount."

    • bagofmice

      Listen to that baby purr.

    • Negropolis

      You don't even want to know where they put the pet gerbils…

  • C_R_Eature

    You think this is bad. Wait until the Cat Juggling video comes out.

  • OzoneTom

    I wonder if this guy in Bakersfield is a Romney cousin: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/

    • emmelemm

      That's awful. I kinda wish I didn't know that.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    What is it with these people and animals!!??

    (Thanks for the laffs, everyone!)

    • MadBrahms

      According to Rick Santorum, the answer to that question is that it's just "the inevitable result of gay marriage"

  • Troglodeity

    At least this time it really WAS an airtight container.

  • Troglodeity

    Needz moar terror defecation.

  • JackDempsey1

    I agree, no big deal now.

    But when the next generation of Romneys runs for higher office and faces an electorate which is seeking to distance itself from (and perhaps overcompensate for) an ichthyophobic past, Gail Collins will be re-animated to cover it and give voice to our outrage. *That's* the story.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Meme of the Month:

    ___________ Romney transported a live _____________ in a _______________.

    I'm going with "Seamus," "tranny hooker " and "bass drum."

    Your turn.

    • Nostrildamus

      Seamus
      tapeworm
      act of revenge

  • Dashboard Shmoo

    If Craig made a list of the douchebag things he and his father did, how long would it be?

  • finallyhappy

    I don't want to give away too much about what I do- in case any of you visit me at my place of volunteerism- but it involves live fish and I have a strong feeling about the fish and the invertebrates(sea urchins are really awesome up close- they have tiny suction cups on their tube feet). Not that I needed anything to dislike the Romneys- I was already a member of Mutts Against Mitt(I ride inside is the motto)

  • SolitaireRose

    I don't know why everyone is so upset. The fish was filled with the politics of envy and needed to be shown the joys of capitalism. Or something.

  • elburritodeluxe

    It's cool, because later they baptized the dead fish as a Mormon and now he's ruling a space colony in Mormon Heaven. True story!

  • Dashboard Shmoo

    ♫If I could put things in a bottle…
    The first thing that I'd like to do
    Is squeeze in a fish
    With a pop and a swish
    And maybe squeeze dad's dog in there too♫

  • southernbeale

    Cripes. I don't wanna know where they kept the family gerbil.

  • MinAgain

    One fish.
    Two fish.
    Dead fish.
    Blue fish.

  • DahBoner

    IDoes this mean Fish is back on tour???

  • ttommyunger

    Fascinating, Mitt, tell me more while I open a vein.

  • Data Exactly

    That whole family trip was an animal house of horrors, from Point A to Point B!

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Did you see Baldar T. Flagass in there? He's in that fuckin' video, man.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Kanye libel!!!!!!!!!

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Can't really object to a song that includes the line "I'd take a salmon home and work that caudal fin for hours."

    OK, maybe someone can, but I certainly can't.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Yeah, everyone's cool with a bit of caudal action … just so long as there's no bass to mouth.

  • MadBrahms

    Always ends with a chumshot.