THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ELECTION  5:54 pm February 21, 2012

Mitt Romney’s Son Kept Fish In Water Bottle During Cross Country Trip

by Jim Newell

Animal people listen up! Mitt Romney’s son Craig, of shirtless fame, kept a lil’ fish in his water bottle during his 2009 cross-country trip, just like they strapped that dog on the roof. But is it really “just like” that? No one cares about a fucking fish.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 137 comments }

nounverb911 February 21, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Hopefully it was a piranha and bit the shit out of Craig.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 7:31 pm

For all we know, it was a candiru, and Craig let it swim up for yux once in a while.

Yeah, he's a needledick, he *could* get it into a water bottle.

nounverb911 February 21, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I'm waiting for the Subaru dogs to strap Mitt to the roof of an Outback.

littlebigdaddy February 21, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Wait, there are lesbian dogs?

Mumbly_Joe February 21, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Aqua Seamus Libel!

nounverb911 February 21, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Is that the Mormon version of Aqua Buddha?

johnnymeatworth February 21, 2012 at 6:06 pm

I heard he also kept a gerbil up his ass.

BerkeleyBear February 21, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Well, Mitt certainly shares Richard Gere's love of hair product. Maybe that's the connection.

Mahousu February 21, 2012 at 6:10 pm

What did they do with that furry daughter/son/? on the trip? Or is this one of those questions that shouldn't be asked?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 21, 2012 at 9:43 pm

In quiet rooms, only.

edgydrifter February 21, 2012 at 6:10 pm

And now our inland waterways are infested with snakeheads. Coincidence?

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Are you suggesting that snakeheads resulted from … (barf)

weej_bain February 21, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Did Craig's brother Tagg keep a fetus in his water jug? If so, Mitten's staph needz to get that out there to top Frothy's Mason jar tale.

chascates February 21, 2012 at 6:18 pm

The fish died quickly but was baptized a Mormon and now lives on a water planet where he has 72 female goldfish!

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 7:52 pm

OK, that really *did* make me LOL.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 21, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Are there predators on Mormon planets?

Because fish being fish, it's going to get very crowded, very quickly.

(Mormons being Mormons, they won't be far behind on their own planets, especially with that living forever thing — is there no mention from Moroni about how this little problem is supposed to get solved?)

SayItWithWookies February 21, 2012 at 6:19 pm

It wasn't just in a water bottle — it was in a water bottle hanging from his bumper. If this is what the Massachusetts moderates the Romneys do to their animals, Republicans, just imagine what they're going to do to your fetus!

MadBrahms February 21, 2012 at 10:22 pm

And just how is being swung from someone's bumper any different from sex, mmm?

twoeightnine February 21, 2012 at 6:26 pm

How stuffed is your truck that you can't fit a fucking water bottle in it?

MadBrahms February 21, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Crammed full of magical underwear, pink slips, and concentrated smarm, I imagine.

Spurning Beer February 22, 2012 at 8:10 am

Hey, that fish had diarrhea. They had to put it on the outside of the truck.

Blueb4sunrise February 21, 2012 at 6:26 pm

It wasn't a fish!!! It was a baby porpoise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

flamingpdog February 21, 2012 at 7:07 pm

And it wasn't an accident, either – he did it on porpoise!

Blueb4sunrise February 21, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Ohhhhhh nooooooooo, the punfestation in spreading.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 21, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Hawkeye?

Blueb4sunrise February 21, 2012 at 8:24 pm

?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 21, 2012 at 9:10 pm

It wasn't a chicken, IT WAS A BABY!!!

Barb February 21, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Maybe he was just being koi about his fetish.

LettucePrey February 21, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Or bassful.

Barb February 21, 2012 at 6:50 pm

I love you!

flamingpdog February 21, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Didn't see you much this weekend. Feeling better?

Barb February 21, 2012 at 6:57 pm

I had to take Jeff to the Urgent Care today. He has strep throat and they are testing him for a staph infection. We are feeble little Webbles and taking care of each other by patting each other on the forehead every hour or so. It's the best we can do, LOL!

How are you Flaming?

Mumbly_Joe February 21, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Well, either way, he's not one to carp about it constantly.

Nothingisamiss February 21, 2012 at 8:40 pm

There otter be better puns here. (Sorry, I got no fish.)

HistoriCat February 21, 2012 at 9:06 pm

But you decided to comment just for the halibut.

randcoolcatdaddy February 21, 2012 at 6:37 pm

They also made this cross country trip without luggage and a change of clothes so Mitt could fit his loose change in the trunk.

Bonzos_Bed_Time February 21, 2012 at 6:38 pm

So long Willard, and thanks for all the fishies!

johnnyzhivago February 21, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Fish are animals, too, my friend.

RadioSBJ February 21, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I heard he is also a bed-wetter.

flamingpdog February 21, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Let's all give Mitt's boy the old Fish Cheer!

ifthethunderdontgetya February 21, 2012 at 7:03 pm
el_donaldo February 21, 2012 at 7:32 pm

No one cares about a fucking fish, says Newell. Well, first they came for the fishes, and I was quiet because I wasn't a fish. And do you know how that ends? Huh, do ya?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 21, 2012 at 7:44 pm

With tartar sauce, I believe.

ShaveTheWhales February 21, 2012 at 11:48 pm

And a lemon wedgie.

emmelemm February 21, 2012 at 7:39 pm

{quiet voice} *I* care about a little fish. {/quiet voice}

Loaded_Pants February 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

I had a gold fish once as a kid. Won it from in contest at my grade school's fall festival. I got tired of cleaning it's bowl so often, I decided to "set it free" by letting it loose in the creek near our house. I still feel quilty about that. So that's why I've never kept fish since.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 9:37 pm

My child, you have an overdeveloped conscience. I prescribe four weeks with some Young Republicans. That should cure you.

By the end of that period, you'll be ready willing and able to napalm the little fuckers without a twinge.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 21, 2012 at 10:14 pm

And the Asian carp invasion took off the following year.

arihaya February 21, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Cruelty toward animals is genetic?

at this rate I will not be surprised if Mittens' grandson used hamster as golf training ball

Texan_Bulldog February 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Don't give them any ideas.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm

What TexanBulldog said. It wouldn't surprise me in the least.

bagofmice February 22, 2012 at 6:15 am

Well, you might not want to slice on Sparky. Hooking..

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 21, 2012 at 7:44 pm

My pet fish, Darth Betta, plans on writing a strongly-worded letter to the ASPCA about this.

emmelemm February 21, 2012 at 8:58 pm

The return of Darth Betta! My favorite Wonkette fish.

MissTaken February 21, 2012 at 7:58 pm

This pisses me the fuck off! I've been trying for weeks now to get a little betta fish, and you know what? Can't fucking find a little fish in the East Bay. What the hell? All I want is a little bowl with some rocks, a plastic tree, and a little fish swimming around. And this douchenozzle is walking around with one in his water bottle? For fuck's sake.

Texan_Bulldog February 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm

You don't have a WalMart or PetSmart or Petco? You're joking, right?

MissTaken February 21, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Sadly, not joking. We do have the above stores but nobody except high end pet shops carry live fish. Walmart has fish food, but no fish. So obnoxious!

Barb February 21, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Walmart also sells toothpaste and none of their employees have teeth, go figure.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

God, you're awful, and you never miss a beat either, do ya? (Hugs the Barb)

usernameguy February 22, 2012 at 3:51 am

Since you're being serious, I will say that you don't want a "little bowl" for two reasons:
1.) It's much easier to maintain water quality with a larger tank, and
2.) Contrary to popular myth, bettas don't like small bowls. They can survive (for a time), but not thrive.

I would recommend at least a 10-gallon tank, with live plants. Plants are a little more work, but bettas like to rest and hide among the plants, and they'll help get rid of chemicals your fish doesn't like. Also, you want a relatively tight-fitting lid (some bettas like to jump). Finally, you should learn how to cycle your tank (to grow the bacteria that eliminates ammonia) BEFORE you get a fish, which takes a couple of months to complete. One thing fish-keeping has taught me is patience.

C_R_Eature February 21, 2012 at 8:00 pm

What they left out of the article is that the fish is a Betta (Betta splendens) also commonly known as a Siamese fighting fish.

The ugly truth is that Craig was working the Fishfighting circuit. These poor creatures are selectively bred and trained to kill and there's lots of money to be made.

The carnage is terrible, the Losers "dissapear" and Long John Silver's Tells No Tales.

Blueb4sunrise February 21, 2012 at 8:24 pm

This is great. Is it on ESPN5?

C_R_Eature February 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Yeah, but it's blacked out in major cities.

DemmeFatale February 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Sad, but (probably) true.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I thought that was Long DONG Silver. No?

C_R_Eature February 21, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Long John Silver's : What's for Dinner

Long Dong Silver: What's on Clarence Thomas' VCR

Easy mistake.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 21, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Do the fish cost, like $10,000? Because that would be, you know, appropriate.

C_R_Eature February 21, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Ten Grand for a proven champion killer. $500 minimum bets, PayPal accepted.

BlueStateLibel February 21, 2012 at 8:00 pm

I see a shark in this guy's future ready to deliver karma.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

OMNomnomnomnomnom.

C_R_Eature February 21, 2012 at 8:14 pm

I think what Craig needs is a few good Slaps.

GhostBuggy February 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm

You're the best.

C_R_Eature February 21, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Thanks! I love this bit.

CthuNHu February 21, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Meanwhile, Ann Romney rolls her eyes and tells herself there's no way her kids will be stupid enough to facebook the picture of her duct-taping the cat to the station wagon's antenna for better reception — not that there was anything wrong with that.

BlueStateLibel February 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

She forces her horses to perform extremely tedious dressage routines over and over, that's her contribution to the family's animal-hating.

Sparky MacGyver February 21, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Like father, like son… Only even more boring. Meh.

MiniMencken February 21, 2012 at 8:33 pm

You know what goes with chips, doncha, laddie?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 21, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Buttsechs?

ShaveTheWhales February 21, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Buffalo buffalo?

flamingpdog February 22, 2012 at 1:08 am

Erik Estrada?

MiniMencken February 22, 2012 at 6:07 am

Guess you kids don't remember the great scene in "A Fish Named Wanda" or my comments aren't that pop-culturally relevant. Or maybe I am just a sad, alcohol-sodden loner looking for afirmation from the Wonkettariot and not finding it, causing me to slip ever more deeply into my pool of vintage Bordeaux and absinthe…

bagofmice February 22, 2012 at 7:28 am

Chads, just hanging out?

EatsBabyDingos February 21, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Sadly, the fish died at a fast food place, but it was quickly turned into a Long John Silverfish sandwich.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Uh … ew.

I was worried for a moment when you… you said the main course was… 'Fish and
Chips.' We are not THAT plebeian in Cucamonga. But my fears were quickly allayed when I discovered to my delight it was 'Silverfish and Buffalo Chips!'

GhostBuggy February 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Today, we are all fish in bottles.

Wait, I really am! Someone help! Before Craig comes back!

EatsBabyDingos February 21, 2012 at 8:45 pm

"Shit," said Romney's cat on TMZ. "I'da given anything to be on top of the car. They wrapped me in duct tape to the engine mount."

bagofmice February 22, 2012 at 7:30 am

Listen to that baby purr.

Negropolis February 22, 2012 at 7:51 am

You don't even want to know where they put the pet gerbils…

C_R_Eature February 21, 2012 at 8:52 pm

You think this is bad. Wait until the Cat Juggling video comes out.

OzoneTom February 21, 2012 at 9:14 pm

I wonder if this guy in Bakersfield is a Romney cousin: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/

emmelemm February 22, 2012 at 2:25 am

That's awful. I kinda wish I didn't know that.

DemmeFatale February 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

What is it with these people and animals!!??

(Thanks for the laffs, everyone!)

MadBrahms February 21, 2012 at 10:25 pm

According to Rick Santorum, the answer to that question is that it's just "the inevitable result of gay marriage"

Troglodeity February 21, 2012 at 9:45 pm

At least this time it really WAS an airtight container.

Troglodeity February 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Needz moar terror defecation.

JackDempsey1 February 21, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I agree, no big deal now.

But when the next generation of Romneys runs for higher office and faces an electorate which is seeking to distance itself from (and perhaps overcompensate for) an ichthyophobic past, Gail Collins will be re-animated to cover it and give voice to our outrage. *That's* the story.

FlownOver February 22, 2012 at 12:02 am

Meme of the Month:

___________ Romney transported a live _____________ in a _______________.

I'm going with "Seamus," "tranny hooker " and "bass drum."

Your turn.

Nostrildamus February 22, 2012 at 1:10 am

Seamus
tapeworm
act of revenge

Dashboard Shmoo February 22, 2012 at 7:19 am

If Craig made a list of the douchebag things he and his father did, how long would it be?

finallyhappy February 22, 2012 at 8:23 am

I don't want to give away too much about what I do- in case any of you visit me at my place of volunteerism- but it involves live fish and I have a strong feeling about the fish and the invertebrates(sea urchins are really awesome up close- they have tiny suction cups on their tube feet). Not that I needed anything to dislike the Romneys- I was already a member of Mutts Against Mitt(I ride inside is the motto)

SolitaireRose February 22, 2012 at 10:40 am

I don't know why everyone is so upset. The fish was filled with the politics of envy and needed to be shown the joys of capitalism. Or something.

elburritodeluxe February 22, 2012 at 12:40 pm

It's cool, because later they baptized the dead fish as a Mormon and now he's ruling a space colony in Mormon Heaven. True story!

Dashboard Shmoo February 22, 2012 at 12:51 pm

♫If I could put things in a bottle…
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is squeeze in a fish
With a pop and a swish
And maybe squeeze dad's dog in there too♫

southernbeale February 22, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Cripes. I don't wanna know where they kept the family gerbil.

MinAgain February 22, 2012 at 5:33 pm

One fish.
Two fish.
Dead fish.
Blue fish.

DahBoner February 22, 2012 at 6:18 pm

IDoes this mean Fish is back on tour???

ttommyunger February 22, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Fascinating, Mitt, tell me more while I open a vein.

Data Exactly February 22, 2012 at 9:08 pm

That whole family trip was an animal house of horrors, from Point A to Point B!

Barb February 21, 2012 at 7:05 pm

On the way home from the doctor we drove into the neighborhood and saw tons of "lost dog" posters. We found the dog as we went to the mailbox. We called the number on the poster and waited for the lady to come and she was the chattiest person I've ever met. She was trying to stuff a reward in Jeff's pants, lol.

flamingpdog February 21, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Been better. I've had problems off and on the last couple of years with a food allergy but I could never pin it down to what food. I think I finally figured out last night that it's carrots. Hopefully I'm right and I won't have this problem anymore. Gettin' old is not for the oldz!

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 7:33 pm

ZOMG! Sorry to hear that!

ShaveTheWhales February 21, 2012 at 11:46 pm

So, not a ruptured eardrum, I hope.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Um … did that reward have, you know, nude photos of her, or her phone number, or anything?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 21, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Have you seen this dog?

Because he is just AWESOME.

RadioSBJ February 21, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Just another reason we all luv you here Barb. A cat as your avatar — so I'm guessing you're a cat person — and both you guys recuperating and yet you find and return a lost dog.
Mrs. Radio and I saw The Artist last night — she liked it more than me, but I thought the dog in it was pretty cool.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Well, that sux. Carrots are the food of the gods, man.

Youth is wasted on the young, and old age on the old.

Barb February 21, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Wow, allergic to carrots. I'm allergic to shellfish. I hope you feel better soon.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Did you see Baldar T. Flagass in there? He's in that fuckin' video, man.

littlebigdaddy February 21, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Kanye libel!!!!!!!!!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 21, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Can't really object to a song that includes the line "I'd take a salmon home and work that caudal fin for hours."

OK, maybe someone can, but I certainly can't.

Barb February 21, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Jeffery and I are madly in love. It would be useless of her to even try it.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Just remember to watch their hands. (Smack! usually fixes it)

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 7:53 pm

He sure fucking IS, dood. What a beaut.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 21, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Salmon Chanted "Evening"….

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm

*Some*body musta got laid recently. The wit is sharper than ever.

Barb February 21, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Huggles back and Jeff sends some for Cheezeburger Cat.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 21, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I'm allergic to idiots.

(You think a food allergy causes problems?)

Biel_ze_Bubba February 21, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Got boned, I'm sure you meant to say.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Aw, that is so sweet, I'm adopting Jeffer as my CheezburgerCatDood.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 21, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Me? I'm just getting paid scale.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Far be it from me to argue with someone whom I will probably meet again in less than ideal circumstances.

MittBorg February 21, 2012 at 10:12 pm

You're SO bass.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 21, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Yeah, everyone's cool with a bit of caudal action … just so long as there's no bass to mouth.

MadBrahms February 21, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Always ends with a chumshot.

Deportably_Jose February 21, 2012 at 11:27 pm

But he's very soleful. I hope he doesn't flounder.

MittBorg February 22, 2012 at 12:47 am

Soleful? I always thought he was more … wolfish, if you know what I mean. More 'eel than sole, one might say.

Deportably_Jose February 22, 2012 at 10:34 am

I shore hope not. You can't skate through life that way, without making anemone or two.

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