There are only two things that GOP state politicians in Arizona are allowed to discuss and/or think about: Hunting Mexicans on the one hand, and Another Dude’s Genitals, on the other. If Paul Babeu wasn’t enough to support this theory, former Arizona State Senator Russell Pearce — the crazed wingnut responsible for the state’s anti-brown people law who was recently recalled for being too insane even for Arizona — is now devoting his spare time to working out stand-up routines about, yes, testicles. So tell us, Russell Pearce, how do you segue from the setup, “the minister in church was giving a sermon on gratitude” to a joke about an ATV crash that ends with some guy’s nutsack being crushed?
Eh, you don’t, is perhaps the lesson here. His awkward joke was met with total silence from the audience. In case you don’t want to watch the video, the punchline of his joke is “ha ha, the word ‘sternum’ starts with the same letter as the word ‘scrotum!’”
Bonus lesson: there is always a way to free-associate sadistic Republican ball-torture fantasies with everything, using even just the alphabet, if you think about it, ahem, hard enough. Is that not hilarious? Okay, okay. “Anyway, I love this country,” he finally says to some tepid applause. [TPM]
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Rectum? Hell, it killed 'em!
I don't know if you're crazy, but I can clearly see your nuts!
*taps microphone*
Hello…is this thing on?!
I know you're out there; I can hear you snoring.
Still makes me laugh.
(ugh, I hate myself)
I sure hope not, dood.
I am tired, tired, tired, tired, tired to death of two things:
1. People who say "gummint."
2. People who say "Sosh Curity."
Awright, awright, GUBmint, then.
…and on the other hand…he had genital warts.
badda bing, I''ll be here all week in case you want to avoid me.
Someone should wire his scrotum to his sternum. Then kick the fucking bejeesus out of him.
Ow.
Oh, you know you'd love to.
Yeah. When he has a heart attack, they can use the paddles to jump-start his heart and torture the shit out of him at the same time. Testicles are handy for things like that.
I think he proves my point that wing-tards had their senses of humor removed to make room for more hate….and fried Twinkies.
Scrota are people, my friend.
Scrota certainly contain people. Or potential people. Half-people. Also, too.
In Oklahoma, they're practically taxpaying citizens. And they outnumber the full-grown ones by quite a large margin.
Wouldn't it be hilarious if they all turned out as liberal, humanist, atheist zygotes?
By that logic, I've got a square foot of carpet by my computer that qualifies for UN membership.
Uh … dood … you can get that stuff changed, yaknow.
Zygote libel!
Uh … I know we're always talking about what nutsacks the Repuglycunts are, but RLY?
Scrota are people, my friend. Primarily AZ legislators.
"BALLS!," said the Queen, "if I had them, I'd be King."
"Shit!" said the King, and twenty thousand Royal subjects squatted and strained, for in those days, the King's word was Law.
Dood, eww.
But it's TWOO!
"Nuts!" said the Prince, "I've got 'em and I'm not King."
Oh, you know that joke too.
I'm starting to think all those UFO nuts are right; the aliens have invaded, and they're living in Arizona.
I thought it must have been the radioactive waste from the '50s A-bomb tests that blew into Arizona.
Sunshine is radiation too, my friends.
If UFO "nuts" invaded AZ's republican women back in the '50s (those were the flying saucer days, amirite?), that might explain some of the weird species of humanoid we've been seeing down there.
Could they be waging a war against other aliens from south of the border?
Damn — where's L. Ron Hubbard when you need him?
*You* ought to know *exactly* where that old fucker is, Biely.
Well, yeah … it was a figure of speech — and in fact he's not allowed to do that sort of work anymore. We have him writing down all the digits of pi. All of them. In binary. (We had an infinite suppy of 5-year-old marginally operative Bic pens sitting around, and several big rolls of butcher paper (couple of light years' worth), and along comes this criminally creative writer… it was pure serendipity.)
Trust me on this, no offense or anything, but I'm doing my best to, um, stay clear of you in the afterlife, if you get my drift. Unless, of course, you have a special deal to offer me. I can be *very* entertaining, especially when faced with the prospect of, um, great warmth.
Hey, that's my schtick–I can see Area 51 from my house!
Those were people from Michigan and Ohio.
Never mind the bollocks, here comes the Sex Pistols.
Here's a piece I wrote six years ago. It applies to Pearce.
You visit him once a night. The perfume delivered seconds before your Himalayan cleavage. He’s always glazed of sweat and splattered in leftovers when they arrive.You cringe, say something condescending, he laughs, looks down and scrubs away. But he gets your get-up, how they work, how they got you the work. And on a good week, you make it to work most of the time.
He comes early, leaves late. Does the labor of two men. He fills the shift when I’m hung low. Leaves the dish pit immaculate—every time. He is the backbone of this joint. You are burdened with menus, the fuzzy math of seating two people at a two-top, and ten pounds of cosmetic zaftig. It is a wonder how you whine your way through a grueling shift with all these rigors. Yet, you do.
He has never missed a shift. Never complained—not once. Not even in his native tongue. You “excused” yourself from work due to a tanning booth “malfunction.” He never breaks for lunch or dinner. But he likes to put his cock against the rotary belt of the dishwashing machine. You take three-hour liquid power lunches. He likes the vibes of the machine when he grabs some afternoon delight after everything has been done. He got carried away one afternoon, a lapse in concentration, the belt snagged his nutsack and tore an egg from the nest. Maimed and bloodied, he found a staple gun to cauterize the gaping wound. Then some duct tape to control the hemmoraghing. He finished his shift—stayed late. Told no one of his injury.
You skipped work because of a pimple. He carted around an infected scrotum for weeks, oozing puss and bile the size of a ripe grapefruit. Never missed a shift, never showed the pain…his face calm and blank. Until he buckled one night, crumpled lifeless, glazed in sweat beneath the machine.
I know you are borne of distant hemispheres. But, the next time you and your sunburned tits take another day off work to be with yourselves, you might consider asking a Bolivian dishwasher what he would do. I’m sure he’d give you his left nut to fill you in….if he only could.
Jeezus, who are you, Chuck Palahniuk? (edit: I like Chuck, BTW)
Chuck resides in my twisted neck of the woods–Oregon. I've drank with Chuck and I toast him for today is his birthday.
I love Oregon, a very good friend of mine lives there, in Portland, and he drove us all around the state when we visited. I'll never forget eating good blotter and exploring the fractal coastline. The photographs have nothing on the memories, but that's nothing new.
Also, you know what's really a strange sight when you're messed up and have never seen it before? A chain-drugstore called "Hi-Skool Drugs," or something… It almost broke my mind momentarily.
Have you sent this out for publication? Because I'm lying here curled into a fetal ball, dood, which is not *necessarily* a good thing, but usually indicative of artistic merit.
Based on a true story, right? I remember that one…
Correct. Read an article in the Mass. Journal of Medicine years back about a dishwasher who got his seedbag caught in a rotary belt and took medical matters into his own hands.
Oh my. That's why I asked you about Chuck, the story reminds me of "Haunted," where the kid gets his intestines sucked out by the pool vac while masturbating.
"Oh, Bob, I feel silly."
"Reach a little farther, you'll feel nuts!"
Yeah I'm Siskel, yeah I'm Ebert
and you're getting two thumbs up.
I can't believe he had the sternums to tell that stupid joke.
A real manubrium.
he played that xiphoidphone like Lionel Hampton.
He played that hyoid bone like Ted Bundy.
Lucille!
That joke makes no sense at all. It's like a joke a six-year-old would invent.
Rather like the Arizona GOP, really.
Am I a bad person if I chuckled before the crowd gasped? I come from a family of nerdy, punning, science types, and they would find this funny. My sister for Halloween took a partially melted Hershey bar and drew a picture of Lassie on poster board. She hung the picture around her neck and said she was a fecal collie form.
OMG. Nerdy science humour.
I lerve it.
That is SO great.
Oh. So THAT'S where that magnificent ape went.
It just wanted to be close to McCain.
Former Nazis and their descendents aren't living in South America anymore, just American southwest.
Don't forget to tip su camerera, and try the beef.
No fish puns?
Not sturgeon, sternum!
Oh no.
but thanks for explaining the Hawkeye reference. I shoulda just pretended I knew what it was and gotten credit for it.
No, no, Hawkeye was a surgeon, not a sturgeon.
That's Sockeye.
Speaking of genitals….Megs is on Rachel Maddow right now talking about vaginal probing.
Sadly, vagina is one of the last things I think of when I see Megs.
That's because you're too busy staring at her tits.
Meggers is getting some help supporting her boobs from her belly.
Gotta rest those puppies on the nearest available shelf, dood.
Speaking of genitals, that makes mine retract into my abdomen.
well i imagine that's going well.
[the speech] "probably sounded better in the original German."
-Molly Ivins
Apparently the word for scrotum in German is "Hodensack".
That IS totally better.
Isn't that those things college kids kick around in the "quad"?
Only the wimminz. The men, understandably, are *way* sensitive on the issue.
Speaking of morans from AZ, Megs McCabe just said, on Rachel Maddow's show, that the Virginia trans-vaginal probe bill would "penetrate beyond politics", without a hint of irony or humor.
The trans-vaginal probe bill would "rape politics-as-usual."
Oh, god, she really IS that stupid, in't she?
That joke was about as funny as an ear wax infarction.
This reminds me of Steve martin telling a joke to a crowd of plumbers;
“This lawn supervisor was out on a sprinkler maintenance job and he started working on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7″ gangly wrench. Just then, this little apprentice leaned over and said, “You can’t work on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7″ wrench.” Well this infuriated the supervisor, so he went and got Volume 14 of the Kinsley manual, and he reads to him and says, “The Langstrom 7″ wrench can be used with the Findlay sprocket.” Just then, the little apprentice leaned over and said, “It says sprocket not socket!”
Were those plumbers supposed to be here tonight?
Sternum… scrotum… socialism… ITS OBAMER'S FAULT!
Sounds about right.
I imagine this must have been what the West was, once…and it never really changed. I say we go whole hog and bring back public dueling. You know, because Freedom, and America and such as.
Wayne?
Damn, that's one ugly motherfucker. Where do they get those hideous grins? I swear, it's like a fucking rictus.
I hadn't even read any of that bio until now. This is unsettling:
And then when you start reading the investigative reporting on just how deep into legislation their tentacles go…
This is why I get so frustrated when people start complaining about "Why doesn't the President fix" this, that, or the other. The NRA is only ONE of these many insidious organizations that are tunneled deep into the entrails of the body politic in this country. Each and every one of these organizations has to be unlinked from the political system before we get anything LIKE a representative government. And that is something that requires the participation of interested citizens.
Since I now live in Red California, I get the occasional phone call from the NRA (area code cold-calling, I assume). A couple years ago, it was a recorded message from Wayne, which I ended up listening to in astonishment. The message was something like Hillary Clinton-UN-Obama-taking-away-your-God-given-guns, but what I most remember about it was Wayne's voice, which is like Mike Tyson on helium. If it were an octave higher, it would literally bring dogs (and also be inaudible to humans, which would be a blessing).
But the "wired scrotum" joke KILLED at Abu Ghraib.
You know who else had a wired scrotum?
Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero?
Sheriff Paul's friend?
You know who else "killed at Abu Ghraib"?
Too soon?
Hate, stupidity, and ignorance.
When the S.S. Humor encountered this perfect storm, it sank without a trace. Although it was widely mourned, none professed surprise, for this is understood to be the nature of things, in Arizona.
Needz less Russell Pearce and more Russell Brand. Actually, no, that'd oddly be even worse. If I wanted to watch a coked-up sex fiend misbehave on television, I'd just go watch reruns of Two and a Half Men.
I kinda like Russell peep this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhSbaIq3GGY
That is really hilarious. Thanks.
At least sometimes there's a funny at the end.
At least when they're talking about guy junk they don't have that moue they have when they're forced to contemplate lady junk.
Kinda looks like this, don't it?
And the there's Maud.
Scrotum, Sternum
Abortion, Contraception
What's the difference, really?
So who's driving down there in Zoniland? Looks like the whole state has jumped the shark.
Then, to drive home the point, former Arizona State Senator Russell Pearce showed this visual aid.
Is there anyone of you out there who DOES NOT have an Uncle like this guy?
True enough… 'course, few of us let our idiot uncles become state senators.
Christ, I sure as fuck hope so. Of course, I haven't spoken to *any* of my extended family for several decades now, thank Zeus, so I wouldn't know.
Yeah, but with the difference being that none of my uncles would have the audacity to run for the state senate.
Oh dern. Pearce shoulda told a gay sheriff joke.
Didjall hear the one about the gay sheriff? Build the dang Man on Dog fence! Har har har har.
OT but I love this man…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhO1DnNKYbo&fe…
Buddy Guy?
and we're on a mission from god.
WOOO! Oh, baby, you sure do know how to keep MAH JUICES FLOWING!
Damn that man is too sexy for my good.
And did you see the FLOTUS egging him on? Girl!
best OT ever.
it will be fun when president santorum has to host mick jagger, bb king, jeff beck and buddy guy.
Great catch.
Coolest Prez EVAR.
(Hope nobody will begrudge me copying & pasting that over to the new thread where this is featured…)
Just wait until he finds out about the existence of the word "masticate".
Or, God help us, "niggard."
And "thespians."
And "masticating thespians."
OT, but I'm watching the PBS documentary on Bill Clinton…holy crap, that was 20 years ago that he got hisself elected…
I wonder if he's still getting blowjobs?
I would say "yes"
A few years ago he was doing a book signing in the Ferry Building in SF. The screams when he arrived were like being at a Beiber concert, I'd imagine, but mostly middle aged women. The queue was immense for the signing, almost all women.
I'd say yes, I expect he's still getting as many blowjobs as his heart can handle.
Had to turn it off when I saw that little shit Dick Morris.
That was a cunning stunt you did there, sir.
OT, Megs was on Rachel tonight discussing the Virginia Lady Parts bill and provided us with this glorious quote: "I think vaginal probing will penetrate beyond politics".
California adds something to the water, somewhere in the process of selling it, don't they.
Meh, I think he's qualified for the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
Totally OT, but did anyone catch the BBC weather dood telling us all to expect "bucketloads of cunt"?
Sarah Palin's visiting Old Blighty?
That would be "bucketload" singular, wouldn't it?
Well maybe she's taking Bristol with her.
Holy shit. How the hell did he even…
http://gawker.com/5886521/saturdays-forecast-is-f…
Recovered nicely, though, didn't he? I would have been laughing hysterically.
told you before, comedy's hard. leave it to the experts.
asshat.
On the upside, dying is easy.
Not really. That is, unless you don't really want to. THEN, it's easy.
Q: Why does a dog lick his sternum?
A: Because he's nuts!
What?
But I bet Franklin Graham can tell this shit is a xtian
O/T. Three WOMEN — including Krystal Ball (why did Jack not like her again?) — on the ED Show calling the Virginia US law "State Sponsored Rape." Awesome!
Well, hey! It's about time! The VA assholes are putting the whole project on hold, but they don't say for how long. Keep goin', laydeez!
I think that Jack was slightly annoyed that she responded to the posting of the reindeer-dildo-sucking pix by calling that posting "sexist". If she did make such a statement (and I've reached my google-recursion limit, so I'm not sure), that would be slightly stupid, because embarrassing cell-phone pictures are just a modern fact of life, and not inherently sexist.
Reindeer aside, Ball appears to be a fairly reasonable person. I'm happy to see her get some media time.
Bear with me here, Russ. Jokes like that are only funny in church.
Want to hear another scrotum joke? Russell Pearce's face.
Nothing funny about that.
ETA: Either, that is.
Some pretty good stuff about Newt Being An Asshole and the shutdown…and, oh, shit, now it's Monica Time…
seriously. with jowls like that, who needs testicles?
Dood, what haz u got agst teh Ballchinians?
"I think it’s fine to talk about those things in quiet rooms " just doesn't have legs, apparently.
Did he just say "it is soft porno" around the 0:20 mark?!?
Interesting metallic surface decoration necktie. Makes me want to wrap it around his scrotum and then twist it, tighter and tighter, until his eyes bulge, and then yank it violently away, with a spray of blood across the ceiling of my basement "special ceremonies" room . But, I won't really do that, as long as Obamacare keeps providing me with those meds.
Should have the "WARNING: 2 MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK" label
Ha, ha! And "Pearce" rhymes with "Dickwad". No wait, I meant synonym.
This clip is very misleading because it cuts out his opening line "I just flew in all the way from Fucking Crazyville and BOY are my arms tired."
Sockeye to me?
Lemme guess, Laugh-In?
It's always special. But it's never a deal.
As for "staying clear", bear in mind that we don't make reservations … we merely accept them.
(coughs, loosens tie) Ever see a soft-shoe shuffle? (shuffles rapidly offstage)
B.B.? Is that you?
From If Guitars Could Talk
Al Bundy called his sammich Lucille, too.
Dood, you forget, I haven't watched TV since, like, the 1970s, and even then, I mostly only ever watched SF. I wouldn't even know who Al Bundy was if not for Teh Googlez.
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