state of horror

Each GOP Candidate To Lose Home State, Since They Hate Him There Most

Radiation is sometimes preferable, actually.Everyone hates the four big Republican presidential candidates! This is a Historical Fact, which, who knows, may already have made it into recently printed first-grade primers. BUT did you know that the degree to which a given voting individual intrinsically hates each GOP monster is mathemagically related to how long that individual has already had to put up with that monster? Meaning: Mitt and the Boys may now be campaigning nationally but they are most not-liked locally, where the populace has suffered the longest direct contact with them. We explore this phenomenon in detail, after the jump!

It is unsurprising that the long-loathed Newt Gingrich — pardon, Professor Gingrich — was the first to put forward the groundbreaking theory that there exists an incontrovertible dose-response relationship between “Time Since Diagnosed with Candidate (in seconds)” and “Level of Voter Hostility (in kilograms).” Based on his life experience alone, Newt could probably be considered the country’s foremost expert in Despicability Studies. But for a broader perspective, let’s turn now to the Washington Post:

It’s possible that all four remaining GOP candidates could lose a state that they call home….


And even if only one or two actually do, it would be a pretty rare feat.

Mitt Romney trails in next Tuesday’s primary in Michigan, the state where he was born and reared and his father served as governor, while polls indicate Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul could have trouble in the states they represented in Congress — Pennsylvania, Georgia and Texas, respectively.

Gingrich and Santorum are already guaranteed not to win the state in which they currently reside — Virginia — because they didn’t make the ballot there.

Mitt, though, is a gazillionaire with homes in 50 to 70 percent of American states and protectorates so his situation is a little unique, in that he can pick and choose, for blustering purposes, which general region he’s currently calling the “home” one:

Romney, it should be noted, is likely to win the state where he served as governor, Massachusetts, in its March 6 primary. And he won the first-in-the-nation primary in neighboring New Hampshire, where he owns a vacation home (He has repeatedly called Michigan his home state, though).

If you or a loved one are inadvertently exposed to a Republican presidential candidate, please contact your State’s Department of Public Health. They are aware of the situation and, we are told, will only have to “put down” victims who appear to be contagious. GOOD LUCK OUT THERE! [WaPo]

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    1. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

      He's not, but he wasn't spared the taint (neither by association nor the other kind):

      Released Wednesday, the poll found that Perry's run for the Republican presidential nomination negatively affected many Texans' view of him, with 37 percent now holding a less favorable view of the governor than they had before he started his presidential campaign.

      The poll also found that 45 percent of Texans and 48 percent of registered voters think Perry's campaign damaged Texas' image in the eyes of other Americans, either a little or a lot.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Oh, you silly Texans. You don't have to worry about Perry damaging your image. There's no way other Americans can think less of you than they already have.

      2. MosesInvests

        Well, I'm not part of that 37% who think less of Perry now. I couldn't possibly have thought less of Gov. Goodhair *before* he ran for Preznit.

    2. Callyson

      Away from taking responsibility from the mess that Texas has become on his watch? (Google "Texas state deficit–it's worse than CA's by capita now.) Yes.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      That's a common misconception: while Newt was raised on the moon he was actually born to a family of molemen in lower, lower, lower Manhattan.

      1. jus_wonderin

        Thus, we answer the question of…why all the molemen now live on the Moon. No it wasn't for the cheese.

  1. OkieDokieDog

    Newt was at ORU (home of the 900 foot tall Jeebus dream dildo) yesterday, braying at the little brainwashed students – anyhoo after the news report about it (I spotted 2 blah girls in the crowd!), they ran a POLL (pole ?) asking some people somewhere something and Santorum was leading the pack of rapid biblehumpers in Oklahoma. Newt was in 3rd.

  2. Mahousu

    This explains why Michele Bachmann won't run in her home district. Not that anyone anywhere can be all that unaware of her crazytude.

  3. OC_Surf_Serf

    Mitt, I am from Michigan. I know people from Michigan. You sir are NOT a Michigander or even a Michiganian.

    (I suspect you are on a MissionImpossible, though.)

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Four candidates, twelve home states, nineteen houses, eleven ex-wives, thirty local newspapers and television stations, innumerable dogs with the runs, ditto grossed-out car wash attendants, forty-three landscape firms that hire illegals, six weed dealers, one abortion provider, hundreds of gay coworkers and neighbors, plus thousands of waiters and waitresses who remember them as lousy tippers — demographically, these motherfuckers have been doomed from the start.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      SurveyUSA polling taken right before the election showed that Santorum was the least popular of all 100 Senators, with a 38% approval rating and a net approval rating of -19%


  5. V572 Flambé

    I was in the Jack Abramoff Suite at Mitt's house in Saipan a while back…unbelievably beautiful beachfront property, 40,000-SF main house with a 15,000-SF guest house, boat dock…all the usual stuff.

    But yes, the Saipanese all hate him; you'd have to understand Chamorro to catch all the subtleties.

    1. weej_bain

      Well Saipan does get over 100 inches of rain per year. Is the Rmoney estate there like the Bushies' aqua ranchero in Paraguay? Is water the new oil????

      1. V572 Flambé

        Washing machines last about six months there. The only reliable  employer is the US Army Reserve. Obesity is rampant. Mitt’ll be king in the afterlife.

        1. weej_bain

          For a South Seas adventure, wouldn't it be moar fun to take Mittens to Bikini and fete him with coconut crabs that contain enough strontium 90 to drop a Clydesdale?

          1. Angry_Marmot

            … or mutate into a fifty-foot radioactive Jesus lizard? Then he could run and run and run and run…

  6. Fukui_sanYesOta

    polls indicate Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul could have trouble in the states they represented in Congress — Pennsylvania, Georgia and Texas, respectively

    Gingrich represented Pennsylvania and Santorum represented Georgia, eh, WaPo?

    Useless weasels.

    1. Rotundo_

      It's WaPo we're talking about here, all the money they could have spent on proper editing has gone to the OpEd staff to keep their legendary talent available for the wisdom starved masses.

  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But didn't Mitt Romney become operational on January 12, 1992, at the HAL Laboratories in Urbana, Illinois?

    So wouldn't Illinois be his true home state?

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      I believe it changes depending on which state he's in.

      "It's great to be back in my wonderful home state of Puerto Rico!"

      aside, whispered "What? Really? Why am I even here then?"

      "I hate this shitball island and everyone on it. I'll buy this place and turn it into a hotel."

  8. HistoriCat

    But the good news is that Mitt will take the primary in Massachusetts. Not that he stands a chance in hell of carrying the state in the general.

  9. WhatTheHeck

    “Home Alone 23” where the annoying, republican candidate is alone in his home state and gets fucked up by the two incompetent burglars.

  10. RadioSBJ

    Is this one of those "Laugher Curves" I've been hearing all about? Because this is going to be a comedy fest all the way around.

  11. north_of_moscow

    According or to Jesus (Luke 4:24) this makes them prophets. Either that, or they're just really horrible people once you get to know them.

    1. Callyson

      x2. I take every opportunity I get to talk about how Santorum is far, far removed from the decent people of my hometown Pittsburgh.

      1. Deportably_Jose

        Ah! I went to school down near the Blahs on the other end of the state, by Philly.

        I'm quite proud of the fact that the first major election I could vote in (having missed Election Day 2000 by exactly 37 days) was the vote I cast to clean a frothy mess off of Pennsylvania's Senate seat.

  12. chascates

    From this past June Rick Perry on his unpopularity in Texas:
    'A Prophet is Generally Not Loved in Their Hometown'

    Nor a few towns over I dare say.

  13. Guppy

    “Level of Voter Hostility (in kilograms).”

    What is this, France? We measure our rage in pounds avoirdupois (of Santorum)!

  14. BlueStateLibel

    Rmoney's even having a tough time getting votes on his home planet, and those four-headed, three-eyed assholes will vote for anyone.

  15. 40 or 50 % McShineys

    I doubt that I'd hate them any less if I just ignored them completely.

    I think the real solution for them all, would be for them to all move away. To the center of the sun, perhaps?

  16. James Michael Curley

    Ron Paul will never win the TX primary because it will never happen before November. The Courts keep extending the date because the politicians keep adding 34 previous congress members + 2 senators + 4 new congress members = 86 Republican Electoral Votes in November.

  17. Negropolis

    please contact your State’s Department of Public Health.

    That wouldn't be much help in Texas, where it's department of public health is actually the Texas Department of Faith Healing.

  18. ttommyunger

    My departed father said it best when speaking of my ex-wife: "To know (insert name here) is to hate her (or him)".

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