STATE OF HORROR  5:13 pm February 21, 2012

Each GOP Candidate To Lose Home State, Since They Hate Him There Most

by Kaia Mursi

Radiation is sometimes preferable, actually.Everyone hates the four big Republican presidential candidates! This is a Historical Fact, which, who knows, may already have made it into recently printed first-grade primers. BUT did you know that the degree to which a given voting individual intrinsically hates each GOP monster is mathemagically related to how long that individual has already had to put up with that monster? Meaning: Mitt and the Boys may now be campaigning nationally but they are most not-liked locally, where the populace has suffered the longest direct contact with them. We explore this phenomenon in detail, after the jump!

It is unsurprising that the long-loathed Newt Gingrich — pardon, Professor Gingrich — was the first to put forward the groundbreaking theory that there exists an incontrovertible dose-response relationship between “Time Since Diagnosed with Candidate (in seconds)” and “Level of Voter Hostility (in kilograms).” Based on his life experience alone, Newt could probably be considered the country’s foremost expert in Despicability Studies. But for a broader perspective, let’s turn now to the Washington Post:

It’s possible that all four remaining GOP candidates could lose a state that they call home….

[...]

And even if only one or two actually do, it would be a pretty rare feat.

Mitt Romney trails in next Tuesday’s primary in Michigan, the state where he was born and reared and his father served as governor, while polls indicate Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul could have trouble in the states they represented in Congress — Pennsylvania, Georgia and Texas, respectively.

Gingrich and Santorum are already guaranteed not to win the state in which they currently reside — Virginia — because they didn’t make the ballot there.

Mitt, though, is a gazillionaire with homes in 50 to 70 percent of American states and protectorates so his situation is a little unique, in that he can pick and choose, for blustering purposes, which general region he’s currently calling the “home” one:

Romney, it should be noted, is likely to win the state where he served as governor, Massachusetts, in its March 6 primary. And he won the first-in-the-nation primary in neighboring New Hampshire, where he owns a vacation home (He has repeatedly called Michigan his home state, though).

If you or a loved one are inadvertently exposed to a Republican presidential candidate, please contact your State’s Department of Public Health. They are aware of the situation and, we are told, will only have to “put down” victims who appear to be contagious. GOOD LUCK OUT THERE! [WaPo]

 
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{ 93 comments }

nounverb911 February 21, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Is Rick Perry still running?

sulmak February 21, 2012 at 5:17 pm

no

Ayn Rand Paul Tard February 21, 2012 at 6:25 pm

He's not, but he wasn't spared the taint (neither by association nor the other kind):

Released Wednesday, the poll found that Perry's run for the Republican presidential nomination negatively affected many Texans' view of him, with 37 percent now holding a less favorable view of the governor than they had before he started his presidential campaign.
http://www.statesman.com/opinion/perry-can-salvag

The poll also found that 45 percent of Texans and 48 percent of registered voters think Perry's campaign damaged Texas' image in the eyes of other Americans, either a little or a lot.

Generation[redacted] February 21, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Oh, you silly Texans. You don't have to worry about Perry damaging your image. There's no way other Americans can think less of you than they already have.

MosesInvests February 21, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Well, I'm not part of that 37% who think less of Perry now. I couldn't possibly have thought less of Gov. Goodhair *before* he ran for Preznit.

FlownOver February 21, 2012 at 6:35 pm

He is, but the Imodium should kick in any minute now.

Not_So_Much February 21, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Only after coyotes that he wants to shoot with a bazooka to compensate for, well, everything.

Callyson February 21, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Away from taking responsibility from the mess that Texas has become on his watch? (Google "Texas state deficit–it's worse than CA's by capita now.) Yes.

MinAgain February 21, 2012 at 5:16 pm

It's a non-partisan phenomenon. I like to call it the "Al Gore Effect".

tihond February 21, 2012 at 5:16 pm

It just shows that what they say is true… You can't go home again, and win an election there.

Terry February 21, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Especially when you wrote an op-Ed saying you hope the economy of your home state isn't worth saving.

nounverb911 February 21, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Are the trees in Michigan still the right height?

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Yes, but just wait you until spring when the trees go wild with growth.

memzilla February 21, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Is Rmoney the constant, where Santorum is the variable

tihond February 21, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I thought Desmond was the constant and Santorum was the pope monster.

memzilla February 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

If and only if Newt is the exponent to the Paulth power? Election math… I be confoozinated.

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Lost reference FTW.

valthemus February 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm

They're just a bunch of ass-ymptotes.

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 6:02 pm

But they keep meeting .

MrFizzy February 21, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Have they polled the moon people to see if they hate Newton Leroy?

Fare la Volpe February 21, 2012 at 5:24 pm

That's a common misconception: while Newt was raised on the moon he was actually born to a family of molemen in lower, lower, lower Manhattan.

jus_wonderin February 21, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Thus, we answer the question of…why all the molemen now live on the Moon. No it wasn't for the cheese.

MrFizzy February 21, 2012 at 5:35 pm

is that where moleskin comes from?

Fare la Volpe February 21, 2012 at 5:38 pm

No, that's what you have left after a brit mole-ah.

Sharkey February 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Well that's rather embarrassing.

coolhandnuke February 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

This does not bode well for Obama and his home state of Kenya.

starfanglednut February 21, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Kenya's a state in the country of Africa, right?

coolhandnuke February 21, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Yes, just north of Labia.

MadBrahms February 21, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Come on, as if most Republicans are capable of finding anything on the north end of the labia.

ShaveTheWhales February 21, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Watchu mean, Clitoris Leachman?

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Which, is just south of Djibouti.

Nostrildamus February 22, 2012 at 1:19 am

Oh say Kenya Sea …

OkieDokieDog February 21, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Newt was at ORU (home of the 900 foot tall Jeebus dream dildo) yesterday, braying at the little brainwashed students – anyhoo after the news report about it (I spotted 2 blah girls in the crowd!), they ran a POLL (pole ?) asking some people somewhere something and Santorum was leading the pack of rapid biblehumpers in Oklahoma. Newt was in 3rd.

memzilla February 21, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I think it's all a plot by Big Media to keep endlessly punning on the word "Santorum."

starfanglednut February 21, 2012 at 7:45 pm

It never gets old.

Mahousu February 21, 2012 at 5:24 pm

This explains why Michele Bachmann won't run in her home district. Not that anyone anywhere can be all that unaware of her crazytude.

OC_Surf_Serf February 21, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Mitt, I am from Michigan. I know people from Michigan. You sir are NOT a Michigander or even a Michiganian.

(I suspect you are on a MissionImpossible, though.)

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Or even a Michiganite*.

*A Michiganite was a real thing at one time, I hear.

SayItWithWookies February 21, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Four candidates, twelve home states, nineteen houses, eleven ex-wives, thirty local newspapers and television stations, innumerable dogs with the runs, ditto grossed-out car wash attendants, forty-three landscape firms that hire illegals, six weed dealers, one abortion provider, hundreds of gay coworkers and neighbors, plus thousands of waiters and waitresses who remember them as lousy tippers — demographically, these motherfuckers have been doomed from the start.

starfanglednut February 21, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I disagree. I'm sure they have more than 19 houses.

Fare la Volpe February 21, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Pennsylvanians hate Santorum?

Why does that sound familiar?

Fukui_sanYesOta February 21, 2012 at 5:34 pm

SurveyUSA polling taken right before the election showed that Santorum was the least popular of all 100 Senators, with a 38% approval rating and a net approval rating of -19%

<crosses fingers> PLEASE BE THE GOP NOMINEE! PLEASE BE THE GOP NOMINEE!

V572 Flambé February 21, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I was in the Jack Abramoff Suite at Mitt's house in Saipan a while back…unbelievably beautiful beachfront property, 40,000-SF main house with a 15,000-SF guest house, boat dock…all the usual stuff.

But yes, the Saipanese all hate him; you'd have to understand Chamorro to catch all the subtleties.

weej_bain February 21, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Well Saipan does get over 100 inches of rain per year. Is the Rmoney estate there like the Bushies' aqua ranchero in Paraguay? Is water the new oil????

V572 Flambé February 21, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Washing machines last about six months there. The only reliable  employer is the US Army Reserve. Obesity is rampant. Mitt’ll be king in the afterlife.

weej_bain February 21, 2012 at 6:06 pm

For a South Seas adventure, wouldn't it be moar fun to take Mittens to Bikini and fete him with coconut crabs that contain enough strontium 90 to drop a Clydesdale?

Angry_Marmot February 21, 2012 at 6:59 pm

… or mutate into a fifty-foot radioactive Jesus lizard? Then he could run and run and run and run…

starfanglednut February 21, 2012 at 7:48 pm

It will be. The fresh water crisis will make oil shortages look like a walk in the park.

Boojum_Reborn February 21, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Who's Abram?

weej_bain February 21, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Ah, the maths come to the rescue. A beautiful hockey stick graph on political climate change.

DerrickWildcat February 21, 2012 at 5:28 pm

See, all politics is not local.

Steverino247 February 21, 2012 at 7:54 pm

All politics is yokel.

Fukui_sanYesOta February 21, 2012 at 5:29 pm

polls indicate Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul could have trouble in the states they represented in Congress — Pennsylvania, Georgia and Texas, respectively

Gingrich represented Pennsylvania and Santorum represented Georgia, eh, WaPo?

Useless weasels.

Rotundo_ February 21, 2012 at 5:38 pm

It's WaPo we're talking about here, all the money they could have spent on proper editing has gone to the OpEd staff to keep their legendary talent available for the wisdom starved masses.

Mumbly_Joe February 21, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Four Pinocchios!

The WaPo makes excellent bedding for my compost worms.

weej_bain February 21, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Extra manure in the ink MJ?

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 21, 2012 at 5:31 pm

But didn't Mitt Romney become operational on January 12, 1992, at the HAL Laboratories in Urbana, Illinois?

So wouldn't Illinois be his true home state?

banana_bread February 21, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Trust me when I say we don't want to lay claim to him.

rocktonsam February 21, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Maybe if we knew which fucking state is actually Mittens home state, we all could hate him more.

Fukui_sanYesOta February 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I believe it changes depending on which state he's in.

"It's great to be back in my wonderful home state of Puerto Rico!"

aside, whispered "What? Really? Why am I even here then?"

"I hate this shitball island and everyone on it. I'll buy this place and turn it into a hotel."

Callyson February 21, 2012 at 7:23 pm

All of 'em, Katie. All of 'em hate Mittens.

starfanglednut February 21, 2012 at 7:52 pm

When he was running for Governor of teh massholes, he made a huge deal about how this was his home state.

HistoriCat February 21, 2012 at 5:35 pm

But the good news is that Mitt will take the primary in Massachusetts. Not that he stands a chance in hell of carrying the state in the general.

jus_wonderin February 21, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Just please don't hug them tooo tight.

Chillwillard February 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Republicans are always succesful in their Homo state, though.

weej_bain February 21, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Is that the Haggard-Foley-Craig-Mehlman-Curtis-Dreier-West-Allen-Murphy-Lott-Kirk-Graham-Babeu rule?

WhatTheHeck February 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm

“Home Alone 23” where the annoying, republican candidate is alone in his home state and gets fucked up by the two incompetent burglars.

RadioSBJ February 21, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Is this one of those "Laugher Curves" I've been hearing all about? Because this is going to be a comedy fest all the way around.

edgydrifter February 21, 2012 at 5:39 pm

I am clearly very cosmopolitan and well-traveled, because I hate all those assholes equally.

north_of_moscow February 21, 2012 at 5:40 pm

According or to Jesus (Luke 4:24) this makes them prophets. Either that, or they're just really horrible people once you get to know them.

Deportably_Jose February 21, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I wish I still lived in Pennsylvania, where I could hate Santorum extra-hard.

Callyson February 21, 2012 at 7:24 pm

x2. I take every opportunity I get to talk about how Santorum is far, far removed from the decent people of my hometown Pittsburgh.

Deportably_Jose February 21, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Ah! I went to school down near the Blahs on the other end of the state, by Philly.

I'm quite proud of the fact that the first major election I could vote in (having missed Election Day 2000 by exactly 37 days) was the vote I cast to clean a frothy mess off of Pennsylvania's Senate seat.

littlebigdaddy February 21, 2012 at 5:50 pm

How is Dr. Paul doing on Tralfamadore?

MadBrahms February 21, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Not well. So it goes.

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 5:57 pm

If your candidate remains viable for 4 or more years, be sure and call your doctor.

starfanglednut February 21, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Or visit the nearest ER.

chascates February 21, 2012 at 6:05 pm

From this past June Rick Perry on his unpopularity in Texas:
'A Prophet is Generally Not Loved in Their Hometown'

Nor a few towns over I dare say.

Blueb4sunrise February 21, 2012 at 6:10 pm

McCain could still get the nomination.

Guppy February 21, 2012 at 6:19 pm

“Level of Voter Hostility (in kilograms).”

What is this, France? We measure our rage in pounds avoirdupois (of Santorum)!

arihaya February 21, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Republican candidates are like your in-laws: the more you know them, the more you hate them

BlueStateLibel February 21, 2012 at 6:21 pm

The more you know – the more you hate.

arihaya February 21, 2012 at 6:29 pm

oh and i thought Yootah is Mittens' home state

Generation[redacted] February 21, 2012 at 6:40 pm

And they appear on Wonkette most of all!

mavenmaven February 21, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Here's Newt explaining himself on the matter. (just make sure you aren't drinking anything when you watch this)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BagYRDEFvy0&fe

Franknflower February 21, 2012 at 7:49 pm

As a radiation oncology physicist, I can vouch for the scientific validity of this graph.

BlueStateLibel February 21, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Rmoney's even having a tough time getting votes on his home planet, and those four-headed, three-eyed assholes will vote for anyone.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm

I doubt that I'd hate them any less if I just ignored them completely.

I think the real solution for them all, would be for them to all move away. To the center of the sun, perhaps?

Designer_Rants February 21, 2012 at 8:26 pm

“Time Since Diagnosed with Candidate (in seconds)” and “Level of Voter Hostility (in kilograms).”

Hahaha! I think I just shit myself (in kilograms).

James Michael Curley February 21, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Ron Paul will never win the TX primary because it will never happen before November. The Courts keep extending the date because the politicians keep adding 34 previous congress members + 2 senators + 4 new congress members = 86 Republican Electoral Votes in November.

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 11:30 pm

please contact your State’s Department of Public Health.

That wouldn't be much help in Texas, where it's department of public health is actually the Texas Department of Faith Healing.

Nostrildamus February 22, 2012 at 1:16 am

I believe "Level of Voter Hostility" is usually measured in trucknutz per metric pantload.

ttommyunger February 22, 2012 at 8:37 pm

My departed father said it best when speaking of my ex-wife: "To know (insert name here) is to hate her (or him)".

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