GROSS  1:00 pm February 21, 2012

Santorum, Cumming, Blasts … Weird Rick Still Making Headlines Gross

by Wonkette Jr.

Funny headline is funny.How is Rick Santorum keeping the nation’s headline writers amused this week? Oh, the usual: cumming, blasts, and the reliable laugh provided by his actual name, “Santorum.” Why won’t Rick Santorum respect American family values and stop being the nation’s vulgar, childish joke?

What else is the presumed next president of the United States up to, this week?

Romney now trails Mr. Santorum among Republican voters nationally by 10 points, 36 percent to 26 percent, according the latest Gallup daily tracking poll, released Tuesday morning.

Ha ha, oh! Well surely Romney must be leading somewhere. (Not Michigan.) Arizona! He has the lead in Arizona. Luckily his campaign isn’t being run by scandal-plagued closeted homosexual anti-Mexican sheriffs with Mexican gay lovers. [Access Georgia via Wonkette operatives "Steven J." and "Ryan R."]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 98 comments }

WiscDad February 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

huhuh…she said cumming

memzilla February 21, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"Santorum Blasts Obama During Cumming Rally"

My first thought was how necessary those Wet Naps with the presidential seal on the wrapper they give out on Air Force One are.

Spurning Beer February 21, 2012 at 1:03 pm

As I said recently, "Instead of cumming, he went."

FlownOver February 21, 2012 at 1:04 pm

OK, we MUST keep him away, at all costs, from that Wasilla vagina!

Steverino247 February 21, 2012 at 1:14 pm

So Sarah can't be his Vice Pre…. Oh.

chicken_thief February 21, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Somehow I think lady bits are safe around this man….

Dashboard Shmoo February 21, 2012 at 1:04 pm

We've seen Golden Ages, Gilded Ages, Iron Age, Age of Information, Age of Reason, etc etc…

Future civilizations will look on our time as The Age Where the Jokes Wrote Themselves.

Baconzgood February 21, 2012 at 1:12 pm

It's a golden time to be snarky Dash. A golden time.

jqheywood February 21, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"Golden time"

So now we have both santorum AND golden showers?

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 1:13 pm

That's the worst part. How do you get filthier? Once you have a Santorum surge and things Cumming, what's left, a dirty Sanchez? Oh Jose!

FlownOver February 21, 2012 at 1:45 pm

We should pose that question to campaign press aide Russell Trombone.

Generation[redacted] February 21, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I would not want to be in an audience of Santorum overflow.

…not that there's anything wrong with that!

Callyson February 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm

An estimated 3,000 people filled the church to hear Santorum blast Obama
If my church had been this kinky when I was growing up, I might have gotten into the church – going habit…

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Obviously, you were not Catholic.

prommie February 21, 2012 at 1:12 pm

All churches are hotbeds of sexual tension. When religious-ey types feel the pull of their hormones, they think thats Gawd, telling them its OK, Gawd wants them to fuck. Its called "Burns and Hotlips Syndrome."

WhatTheHeck February 21, 2012 at 1:20 pm

You should have come through the vestibule more often.

tessiee February 21, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Or stayed in the Apse.

BarackMyWorld February 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm

And with that, the entire campaign turned into one prolonged "Beavis and Butthead" episode.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Any truth to the rumor that Rick Santorum is planning on changing his name to Rick Cumrag?

Steverino247 February 21, 2012 at 1:16 pm

That's "cumcloth" if you please, sir.

RadioSBJ February 21, 2012 at 1:30 pm

True Story: The Head Marshal (who are prickwads anyway) at the US Open last year was Dick Cummings. And the funnier part is my 17 year old son saw the name first.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 21, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Let's face it, if Romney loses Michigan, his only chance for the nomination is to have his last name become a synonym for an even grosser sexual act or function.

prommie February 21, 2012 at 1:10 pm

If Romney fails to win this nomination, his name will become synonymous with "giant, honking, humiliating Utter Fail." It will replace "pulling a Homer."

MosesInvests February 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

D'oh!

GOPCrusher February 21, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Romney Munsoned?

UnholyMoses February 21, 2012 at 1:40 pm
eekahil February 22, 2012 at 11:04 am
James Michael Curley February 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

On Super Tuesday Romney will get NY, NJ, CA and TX and be back on top. On Wednesday Sheriff Paul will reveal that Romney often was.

tessiee February 21, 2012 at 2:17 pm

It already means having a dog evacuate its bladder and bowels on the roof of your car.

mayor_quimby February 21, 2012 at 9:12 pm

What does "squick" mean again? I think it might be a candidate.

Dashboard Shmoo February 21, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Santorum Blasts Obama…

Did the good people in the front row of pews wear rain ponchos…like one would do at a Gallagher show?

el_donaldo February 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

He then had to wait half an hour before rallying for another blast.

Baconzgood February 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I find this difficult to masterbate to.

BigDumbRedDog February 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Santorum jokes will not get old until december 2012. Also, that is the end of the world. I don't know if those two things are related or not.

OneDollarJuana February 21, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Oh, so they'll be funny funny funny funny funny funnyfunnyfunnyFunnyFUNNY!! AAAHHhhh….

Not funny.

donner_froh February 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Santorum cumming during Obama rally blasts?

Goonemeritus February 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Attack Senator Santorum all you want with this kind of childish stuff he still is the only candidate brave enough to stand up for my freedom to deny other people their freedom.

el_donaldo February 21, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I think Ron Paul is equally staunch on the freedom of straight white moneyed male Christians.

prommie February 21, 2012 at 1:08 pm

This headline was obviously a product of the clandestine conspiracy to control the media that is controlled by the White House, and is thus more evidence that Obama should, as The Spectator bravely suggests, be impeached forthwith.

WiscDad February 21, 2012 at 1:35 pm

In the immortal words of Garth Algar….'Uhh…yeah….I guess so'

TheRiverCharley February 21, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I guess he'd have to be a top, huh.

chicken_thief February 21, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Nothing says "I'm in fucking charge!" like a sweater vest.

tessiee February 21, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I'd peg (ya see what I did there?) him for a submissive bottom if there ever was one.

freakishlywrong February 21, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I hope he didn't stain his sweater vest. (Rick, it's so cornholy, we're laughing AT you, not with you).

fuflans February 21, 2012 at 1:24 pm

and it's really really unflattering. i thought he was some kind of aesthete.

looks like he ate too many doughnuts.

chicken_thief February 21, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Or holes….

BigDumbRedDog February 21, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Santorum is a mix of my two favorite forms of humor. Buttsex and poop jokes.

SorosBot February 21, 2012 at 1:09 pm

And it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. With Rick's contempt for both gay and straight rights, it's impossible to feel the least bit sorry for him.

Frisbeedawg February 21, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Heh. Overflow.

OkieDokieDog February 21, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Look at how cute he is in his little sweater vest!
http://petclothing.april-may.com/product/9/82/Hip

Steverino247 February 21, 2012 at 1:18 pm

How long before the Susan G. Komen for the Control of All Things Pink Foundation sues?

BTWBFDIMHO February 21, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I read "Santorum Blasts Enema During Cumming Rally". My bad.

hagajim February 21, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Somebody give Rick an assnapkin….he's making a mess of things.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 21, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Oh heck, I broke both of these stories on the 2000 comment Wonkette Weekend Festival.

Even put up the screencap!
~

HelmutNewton February 21, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Anagrams for Rick Santorum:

Cranium Stork
Crank Tourism
A Trick Mourns
A Scrotum Rink
Sir Torn Amuck
Crank Is Tumor
Mis Turn Croak
Moist Urn Rack

el_donaldo February 21, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Anus Rock Trim
Anus Cork Trim
To Mr Rick Anus
Mr Or Anus Tick

WiscDad February 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

you missed Croak Rims Nut

north_of_moscow February 21, 2012 at 1:20 pm

The Aristocrats!

eekahil February 22, 2012 at 11:07 am

*spits coffee on computer"

SorosBot February 21, 2012 at 1:20 pm

At first I thought this meant Satorum entered Whitney Cummings, and that while she manages to be spectacularly unfunny while being foul mouthed she still doesn't deserve that.

Lucidamente1 February 21, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Just wait until Obama starts blasting Santorum.

WiscDad February 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm

yuck…that would be WAY worse than Bush Daddy vomiting in his egg foo yung

tessiee February 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

"I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet!" — George H.W. Bush

MosesInvests February 21, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Bushururu-an actual Japanese term meaning to barf in someone else's lap.

MissTaken February 21, 2012 at 1:23 pm

It does appear that every "God and Country" rally ends with blasts of Santorum. Cumming or not.

FraAnima February 21, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I'll always show up for a cumming rally, even if santorum is involved.

fuflans February 21, 2012 at 1:23 pm

why does it always have to be 'god and country'.

fuck that.

i want 'pirates and country'. or 'whore diamonds and country'. or 'johnny depp and country'.

bureaucrap February 21, 2012 at 1:30 pm

or of course, "country and western"

FlownOver February 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Well, my telephone was ringin', it would not stop; it was President Kennedy callin' me up.
He said "My friend Flown, whadda we need to make the country grow?"
I said "My friend John – Brigitte Bardot.
"Anita Ekberg.
"Sophia Loren.
"Country'll grow."

mayor_quimby February 21, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Ferraris and Country, and good wine, and seafood… Feel free to add on

meatlofer February 21, 2012 at 1:24 pm

HEY SANTORUM ! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!(that felt good)

Fare la Volpe February 21, 2012 at 1:27 pm

God has a sense of humor. That bitch.

SoBeach February 21, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"Romney now trails Mr. Santorum among Republican voters nationally by 10 points, 36 percent to 26 percent"

I feel like Flounder in Animal House: Oh boy is this great!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arZdeg_fL-I

chicken_thief February 21, 2012 at 1:49 pm

If Romney is leading in AZ, though, that means Santorum must be mopping his ass up in other states.

el_donaldo February 21, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Rather than type out the letters of his name, journalists should just use that poo brown splat as an icon to refer to him. Kind of like Prince, only funny and appropriate.

LettucePrey February 21, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I have a fantasy where Rick Santorum is laying face up on a slow-moving conveyor belt, while thousands of penises of all shapes and size, sticking through glory holes, slap him in the face as the conveyor belt sllooowly moves him by.

Strangely, I believe that's Rick's fantasy, as well.

Neoyorquino February 21, 2012 at 1:36 pm

And the penises are wearing little sweater vests.

widestanceromance February 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

A waste of good penis, if you ask me. Use dirty dildos from pr0n studio dumpsters.

tessiee February 21, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Or fetus parts.

SorosBot February 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Pity the poor penises.

Geminisunmars February 21, 2012 at 1:41 pm

That poll shows that there are lots of ironyists being polled.

UnholyMoses February 21, 2012 at 1:43 pm

If Santorum wins the GOP nod, it will be the greatest thing to happen to Democrats since … well, ever.

In fact, it might help us reach Peak Wingnut.

Geminisunmars February 21, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I just got an email from Obama with the subject "This seat is yours." Why does it seem that it is somehow related to this post?

coolhandnuke February 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I've been there for Cumming's annual Fourth of July fireworks celebration. The finale is rather uneventful.

chicken_thief February 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Nothing like the display Santorum put on?!

mavenmaven February 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

What is Santorum doing with his hands in that picture?!?!

mayor_quimby February 21, 2012 at 9:19 pm

3 invisible cocks???

slowhansolo February 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

ARCINGROPESOFJISM, Ga. (AP) – …

Antispandex February 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

All of the "Cumming" and "blasts" aside, there is NOTHING that brings the laughs like that sweater vest.

mayor_quimby February 21, 2012 at 9:17 pm

I don't think the fashionistas have heaped enough ridicule on Rick Froth for this. We can't have a president who looks like your dorky uncle, or a crooked coach of Ohio State Football. Kim Jong Un would totally show him out at the UN!

krazyvladimir February 21, 2012 at 3:07 pm

May there be many more santorum cummings in these primaries.

James Michael Curley February 21, 2012 at 3:25 pm

And, NY & NJ are not in Super Tuesday this year.

proudgrampa February 21, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Oh. For fuck's sake.

eekahil February 22, 2012 at 11:10 am

I don't think the word "staff" in Jerry Gunn's byline italicized itself.

ttommyunger February 22, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Cumming? Ricky? I fucking doubt it.

prommie February 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Homerus Americanus.

UnholyMoses February 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

The Wingularity is near!

coolhandnuke February 21, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Nah, I just rolled over on the dry spot.

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