gross

Santorum, Cumming, Blasts … Weird Rick Still Making Headlines Gross

Funny headline is funny.How is Rick Santorum keeping the nation’s headline writers amused this week? Oh, the usual: cumming, blasts, and the reliable laugh provided by his actual name, “Santorum.” Why won’t Rick Santorum respect American family values and stop being the nation’s vulgar, childish joke?

What else is the presumed next president of the United States up to, this week?

Romney now trails Mr. Santorum among Republican voters nationally by 10 points, 36 percent to 26 percent, according the latest Gallup daily tracking poll, released Tuesday morning.

Ha ha, oh! Well surely Romney must be leading somewhere. (Not Michigan.) Arizona! He has the lead in Arizona. Luckily his campaign isn’t being run by scandal-plagued closeted homosexual anti-Mexican sheriffs with Mexican gay lovers. [Access Georgia via Wonkette operatives “Steven J.” and “Ryan R.”]

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  • WiscDad

    huhuh…she said cumming

  • memzilla

    "Santorum Blasts Obama During Cumming Rally"

    My first thought was how necessary those Wet Naps with the presidential seal on the wrapper they give out on Air Force One are.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    As I said recently, "Instead of cumming, he went."

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    OK, we MUST keep him away, at all costs, from that Wasilla vagina!

    • Steverino247

      So Sarah can't be his Vice Pre…. Oh.

    • chicken_thief

      Somehow I think lady bits are safe around this man….

  • Dashboard Shmoo

    We've seen Golden Ages, Gilded Ages, Iron Age, Age of Information, Age of Reason, etc etc…

    Future civilizations will look on our time as The Age Where the Jokes Wrote Themselves.

    • Baconzgood

      It's a golden time to be snarky Dash. A golden time.

      • jqheywood

        "Golden time"

        So now we have both santorum AND golden showers?

    • bagofmice

      That's the worst part. How do you get filthier? Once you have a Santorum surge and things Cumming, what's left, a dirty Sanchez? Oh Jose!

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        We should pose that question to campaign press aide Russell Trombone.

  • Generation[redacted]

    I would not want to be in an audience of Santorum overflow.

    …not that there's anything wrong with that!

  • Callyson

    An estimated 3,000 people filled the church to hear Santorum blast Obama
    If my church had been this kinky when I was growing up, I might have gotten into the church – going habit…

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Obviously, you were not Catholic.

    • prommie

      All churches are hotbeds of sexual tension. When religious-ey types feel the pull of their hormones, they think thats Gawd, telling them its OK, Gawd wants them to fuck. Its called "Burns and Hotlips Syndrome."

    • WhatTheHeck

      You should have come through the vestibule more often.

      • tessiee

        Or stayed in the Apse.

  • BarackMyWorld

    And with that, the entire campaign turned into one prolonged "Beavis and Butthead" episode.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Any truth to the rumor that Rick Santorum is planning on changing his name to Rick Cumrag?

    • Steverino247

      That's "cumcloth" if you please, sir.

    • RadioSBJ

      True Story: The Head Marshal (who are prickwads anyway) at the US Open last year was Dick Cummings. And the funnier part is my 17 year old son saw the name first.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Let's face it, if Romney loses Michigan, his only chance for the nomination is to have his last name become a synonym for an even grosser sexual act or function.

    • prommie

      If Romney fails to win this nomination, his name will become synonymous with "giant, honking, humiliating Utter Fail." It will replace "pulling a Homer."

      • MosesInvests

        D'oh!

      • GOPCrusher

        Romney Munsoned?

    • UnholyMoses
    • James Michael Curley

      On Super Tuesday Romney will get NY, NJ, CA and TX and be back on top. On Wednesday Sheriff Paul will reveal that Romney often was.

    • tessiee

      It already means having a dog evacuate its bladder and bowels on the roof of your car.

    • mayor_quimby

      What does "squick" mean again? I think it might be a candidate.

  • Dashboard Shmoo

    Santorum Blasts Obama…

    Did the good people in the front row of pews wear rain ponchos…like one would do at a Gallagher show?

  • el_donaldo

    He then had to wait half an hour before rallying for another blast.

  • Baconzgood

    I find this difficult to masterbate to.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Santorum jokes will not get old until december 2012. Also, that is the end of the world. I don't know if those two things are related or not.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Oh, so they'll be funny funny funny funny funny funnyfunnyfunnyFunnyFUNNY!! AAAHHhhh….

      Not funny.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Santorum cumming during Obama rally blasts?

  • Goonemeritus

    Attack Senator Santorum all you want with this kind of childish stuff he still is the only candidate brave enough to stand up for my freedom to deny other people their freedom.

    • el_donaldo

      I think Ron Paul is equally staunch on the freedom of straight white moneyed male Christians.

  • prommie

    This headline was obviously a product of the clandestine conspiracy to control the media that is controlled by the White House, and is thus more evidence that Obama should, as The Spectator bravely suggests, be impeached forthwith.

    • WiscDad

      In the immortal words of Garth Algar….'Uhh…yeah….I guess so'

  • TheRiverCharley

    I guess he'd have to be a top, huh.

    • chicken_thief

      Nothing says "I'm in fucking charge!" like a sweater vest.

    • tessiee

      I'd peg (ya see what I did there?) him for a submissive bottom if there ever was one.

  • freakishlywrong

    I hope he didn't stain his sweater vest. (Rick, it's so cornholy, we're laughing AT you, not with you).

    • fuflans

      and it's really really unflattering. i thought he was some kind of aesthete.

      looks like he ate too many doughnuts.

      • chicken_thief

        Or holes….

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Santorum is a mix of my two favorite forms of humor. Buttsex and poop jokes.

  • SorosBot

    And it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. With Rick's contempt for both gay and straight rights, it's impossible to feel the least bit sorry for him.

  • Frisbeedawg

    Heh. Overflow.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Look at how cute he is in his little sweater vest!
    http://petclothing.april-may.com/product/9/82/Hip

    • Steverino247

      How long before the Susan G. Komen for the Control of All Things Pink Foundation sues?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    I read "Santorum Blasts Enema During Cumming Rally". My bad.

  • hagajim

    Somebody give Rick an assnapkin….he's making a mess of things.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Oh heck, I broke both of these stories on the 2000 comment Wonkette Weekend Festival.

    Even put up the screencap!
    ~

  • HelmutNewton

    Anagrams for Rick Santorum:

    Cranium Stork
    Crank Tourism
    A Trick Mourns
    A Scrotum Rink
    Sir Torn Amuck
    Crank Is Tumor
    Mis Turn Croak
    Moist Urn Rack

    • el_donaldo

      Anus Rock Trim
      Anus Cork Trim
      To Mr Rick Anus
      Mr Or Anus Tick

    • WiscDad

      you missed Croak Rims Nut

  • north_of_moscow

    The Aristocrats!

    • http://wonkette.com eekahil

      *spits coffee on computer"

  • SorosBot

    At first I thought this meant Satorum entered Whitney Cummings, and that while she manages to be spectacularly unfunny while being foul mouthed she still doesn't deserve that.

  • Lucidamente1

    Just wait until Obama starts blasting Santorum.

    • WiscDad

      yuck…that would be WAY worse than Bush Daddy vomiting in his egg foo yung

      • tessiee

        "I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet!" — George H.W. Bush

        • MosesInvests

          Bushururu-an actual Japanese term meaning to barf in someone else's lap.

  • MissTaken

    It does appear that every "God and Country" rally ends with blasts of Santorum. Cumming or not.

  • FraAnima

    I'll always show up for a cumming rally, even if santorum is involved.

  • fuflans

    why does it always have to be 'god and country'.

    fuck that.

    i want 'pirates and country'. or 'whore diamonds and country'. or 'johnny depp and country'.

    • bureaucrap

      or of course, "country and western"

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Well, my telephone was ringin', it would not stop; it was President Kennedy callin' me up.
      He said "My friend Flown, whadda we need to make the country grow?"
      I said "My friend John – Brigitte Bardot.
      "Anita Ekberg.
      "Sophia Loren.
      "Country'll grow."

    • mayor_quimby

      Ferraris and Country, and good wine, and seafood… Feel free to add on

  • meatlofer

    HEY SANTORUM ! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!(that felt good)

  • Fare la Volpe

    God has a sense of humor. That bitch.

  • SoBeach

    "Romney now trails Mr. Santorum among Republican voters nationally by 10 points, 36 percent to 26 percent"

    I feel like Flounder in Animal House: Oh boy is this great!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arZdeg_fL-I

    • chicken_thief

      If Romney is leading in AZ, though, that means Santorum must be mopping his ass up in other states.

  • el_donaldo

    Rather than type out the letters of his name, journalists should just use that poo brown splat as an icon to refer to him. Kind of like Prince, only funny and appropriate.

  • LettucePrey

    I have a fantasy where Rick Santorum is laying face up on a slow-moving conveyor belt, while thousands of penises of all shapes and size, sticking through glory holes, slap him in the face as the conveyor belt sllooowly moves him by.

    Strangely, I believe that's Rick's fantasy, as well.

    • Neoyorquino

      And the penises are wearing little sweater vests.

    • widestanceromance

      A waste of good penis, if you ask me. Use dirty dildos from pr0n studio dumpsters.

      • tessiee

        Or fetus parts.

    • SorosBot

      Pity the poor penises.

  • Geminisunmars

    That poll shows that there are lots of ironyists being polled.

  • UnholyMoses

    If Santorum wins the GOP nod, it will be the greatest thing to happen to Democrats since … well, ever.

    In fact, it might help us reach Peak Wingnut.

  • Geminisunmars

    I just got an email from Obama with the subject "This seat is yours." Why does it seem that it is somehow related to this post?

  • coolhandnuke

    I've been there for Cumming's annual Fourth of July fireworks celebration. The finale is rather uneventful.

    • chicken_thief

      Nothing like the display Santorum put on?!

  • mavenmaven

    What is Santorum doing with his hands in that picture?!?!

    • mayor_quimby

      3 invisible cocks???

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    ARCINGROPESOFJISM, Ga. (AP) – …

  • Antispandex

    All of the "Cumming" and "blasts" aside, there is NOTHING that brings the laughs like that sweater vest.

    • mayor_quimby

      I don't think the fashionistas have heaped enough ridicule on Rick Froth for this. We can't have a president who looks like your dorky uncle, or a crooked coach of Ohio State Football. Kim Jong Un would totally show him out at the UN!

  • krazyvladimir

    May there be many more santorum cummings in these primaries.

  • James Michael Curley

    And, NY & NJ are not in Super Tuesday this year.

  • proudgrampa

    Oh. For fuck's sake.

  • http://wonkette.com eekahil

    I don't think the word "staff" in Jerry Gunn's byline italicized itself.

  • ttommyunger

    Cumming? Ricky? I fucking doubt it.

  • prommie

    Homerus Americanus.

  • UnholyMoses

    The Wingularity is near!

  • coolhandnuke

    Nah, I just rolled over on the dry spot.