gross

Santorum, Cumming, Blasts … Weird Rick Still Making Headlines Gross

Funny headline is funny.How is Rick Santorum keeping the nation’s headline writers amused this week? Oh, the usual: cumming, blasts, and the reliable laugh provided by his actual name, “Santorum.” Why won’t Rick Santorum respect American family values and stop being the nation’s vulgar, childish joke?

What else is the presumed next president of the United States up to, this week?

Romney now trails Mr. Santorum among Republican voters nationally by 10 points, 36 percent to 26 percent, according the latest Gallup daily tracking poll, released Tuesday morning.

Ha ha, oh! Well surely Romney must be leading somewhere. (Not Michigan.) Arizona! He has the lead in Arizona. Luckily his campaign isn’t being run by scandal-plagued closeted homosexual anti-Mexican sheriffs with Mexican gay lovers. [Access Georgia via Wonkette operatives "Steven J." and "Ryan R."]

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98 comments

  1. memzilla

    "Santorum Blasts Obama During Cumming Rally"

    My first thought was how necessary those Wet Naps with the presidential seal on the wrapper they give out on Air Force One are.

  2. Dashboard Shmoo

    We've seen Golden Ages, Gilded Ages, Iron Age, Age of Information, Age of Reason, etc etc…

    Future civilizations will look on our time as The Age Where the Jokes Wrote Themselves.

    1. bagofmice

      That's the worst part. How do you get filthier? Once you have a Santorum surge and things Cumming, what's left, a dirty Sanchez? Oh Jose!

  3. Generation[redacted]

    I would not want to be in an audience of Santorum overflow.

    …not that there's anything wrong with that!

  4. Callyson

    An estimated 3,000 people filled the church to hear Santorum blast Obama
    If my church had been this kinky when I was growing up, I might have gotten into the church – going habit…

    1. prommie

      All churches are hotbeds of sexual tension. When religious-ey types feel the pull of their hormones, they think thats Gawd, telling them its OK, Gawd wants them to fuck. Its called "Burns and Hotlips Syndrome."

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Any truth to the rumor that Rick Santorum is planning on changing his name to Rick Cumrag?

    1. RadioSBJ

      True Story: The Head Marshal (who are prickwads anyway) at the US Open last year was Dick Cummings. And the funnier part is my 17 year old son saw the name first.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Let's face it, if Romney loses Michigan, his only chance for the nomination is to have his last name become a synonym for an even grosser sexual act or function.

    1. prommie

      If Romney fails to win this nomination, his name will become synonymous with "giant, honking, humiliating Utter Fail." It will replace "pulling a Homer."

    2. James Michael Curley

      On Super Tuesday Romney will get NY, NJ, CA and TX and be back on top. On Wednesday Sheriff Paul will reveal that Romney often was.

  7. Dashboard Shmoo

    Santorum Blasts Obama…

    Did the good people in the front row of pews wear rain ponchos…like one would do at a Gallagher show?

  8. BigDumbRedDog

    Santorum jokes will not get old until december 2012. Also, that is the end of the world. I don't know if those two things are related or not.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Oh, so they'll be funny funny funny funny funny funnyfunnyfunnyFunnyFUNNY!! AAAHHhhh….

      Not funny.

  9. Goonemeritus

    Attack Senator Santorum all you want with this kind of childish stuff he still is the only candidate brave enough to stand up for my freedom to deny other people their freedom.

  10. prommie

    This headline was obviously a product of the clandestine conspiracy to control the media that is controlled by the White House, and is thus more evidence that Obama should, as The Spectator bravely suggests, be impeached forthwith.

  11. freakishlywrong

    I hope he didn't stain his sweater vest. (Rick, it's so cornholy, we're laughing AT you, not with you).

    1. fuflans

      and it's really really unflattering. i thought he was some kind of aesthete.

      looks like he ate too many doughnuts.

  12. SorosBot

    And it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. With Rick's contempt for both gay and straight rights, it's impossible to feel the least bit sorry for him.

  13. HelmutNewton

    Anagrams for Rick Santorum:

    Cranium Stork
    Crank Tourism
    A Trick Mourns
    A Scrotum Rink
    Sir Torn Amuck
    Crank Is Tumor
    Mis Turn Croak
    Moist Urn Rack

  14. SorosBot

    At first I thought this meant Satorum entered Whitney Cummings, and that while she manages to be spectacularly unfunny while being foul mouthed she still doesn't deserve that.

  15. fuflans

    why does it always have to be 'god and country'.

    fuck that.

    i want 'pirates and country'. or 'whore diamonds and country'. or 'johnny depp and country'.

    1. FlownOver

      Well, my telephone was ringin', it would not stop; it was President Kennedy callin' me up.
      He said "My friend Flown, whadda we need to make the country grow?"
      I said "My friend John – Brigitte Bardot.
      "Anita Ekberg.
      "Sophia Loren.
      "Country'll grow."

    1. chicken_thief

      If Romney is leading in AZ, though, that means Santorum must be mopping his ass up in other states.

  16. el_donaldo

    Rather than type out the letters of his name, journalists should just use that poo brown splat as an icon to refer to him. Kind of like Prince, only funny and appropriate.

  17. LettucePrey

    I have a fantasy where Rick Santorum is laying face up on a slow-moving conveyor belt, while thousands of penises of all shapes and size, sticking through glory holes, slap him in the face as the conveyor belt sllooowly moves him by.

    Strangely, I believe that's Rick's fantasy, as well.

  18. UnholyMoses

    If Santorum wins the GOP nod, it will be the greatest thing to happen to Democrats since … well, ever.

    In fact, it might help us reach Peak Wingnut.

  19. Geminisunmars

    I just got an email from Obama with the subject "This seat is yours." Why does it seem that it is somehow related to this post?

  20. coolhandnuke

    I've been there for Cumming's annual Fourth of July fireworks celebration. The finale is rather uneventful.

  21. Antispandex

    All of the "Cumming" and "blasts" aside, there is NOTHING that brings the laughs like that sweater vest.

    1. mayor_quimby

      I don't think the fashionistas have heaped enough ridicule on Rick Froth for this. We can't have a president who looks like your dorky uncle, or a crooked coach of Ohio State Football. Kim Jong Un would totally show him out at the UN!

Comments are closed.