NEW POLL PROVES IT  6:00 pm February 20, 2012

Mere 1% of Americans Can Correctly Identify Nation’s Top Global Enemy

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

You can't see it, but he's wearing a tutu.

Favored pick “Iran” won this season’s Gallup poll for “America’s Top Enemy” by its highest-ever margin, wow! A full third of Americans picked Iran as their most dreaded bogeyman this year (up from a quarter last year) for, eh, some sort of reason. Perhaps a follow-up “why” question might have been interesting or informative here, pollsters? Nope. Gallup cheated and filled in the essay section on its own without Americans’ help, as may be noted from the conspicuous lack of JEE-HAD and TERRORIZM mentions in their concluding analysis to explain Iran’s ongoing dominance in this award category: “Iran’s continued public announcements of its growing nuclear capabilities, its threats of war with U.S. ally Israel, and the possibility that Iran could disrupt the flow of oil out of the Middle East and further affect domestic oil and gas prices no doubt all contribute to Americans’ negative views of the country.” Hm. Well to be fair, by this logic that we ought to freak out over the country that’s doing the best job of constantly threatening new wars and buying scary new weapons and driving up oil prices, the nation that Americans should really fear most is, ha ha, their own. So what percentage of Americans managed to arrive at this conclusion? (HINT: the headline gives it away.)

There it is, down there at the bottom, mysteriously tied with, uh, Japan:

(Are you really allowed to name China as your “top enemy” when the cell phone you used to take the pollster’s call was built there?)

Anyhow, the important thing to remember here at all times is that it is ALL IRAN’S FAULT, GRRR that all the gas prices are so high these days, via Bloomberg:

Strangely, the current run-up in prices comes despite sinking demand in the U.S. “Petrol demand is as low as it’s been since April 1997,” says Tom Kloza, chief oil analyst for the Oil Price Information Service. “People are properly puzzled by the fact that we’re using less gas than we have in years, yet we’re paying more.”

Kloza believes much of the increase is due to speculative money that’s flowed into gasoline futures contracts since the beginning of the year, mostly from hedge funds and large money managers. “We’ve seen about $11 billion of speculative money come in on the long side of gas futures,” he says. “Each of the last three weeks we’ve seen a record net long position being taken.”

Yeah. [Gallup/Bloomberg]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 413 comments }

DrunkIrishman February 20, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Snooki?

actor212 February 21, 2012 at 10:56 am

My guess was Dana Loesch, but that would be unfair to sandwich-boards-as-computers, who are also enemas of the state.

nounverb911 February 20, 2012 at 6:02 pm

"We have met the enemy and he is us."

weej_bain February 20, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Pogo might suggest we put USA at the top.

USA USA USA

It feels better and safer already.

Fare la Volpe February 20, 2012 at 6:03 pm

The fact that no one said Reptilians is a sign that "They" have already won.

WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

Crank_Tango February 20, 2012 at 8:01 pm

too soon?

Fare la Volpe February 20, 2012 at 8:08 pm

That's exactly what a Reptilian sleeper agent would say…

Crank_Tango February 20, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Reptilian sleeper agent libel!

Chet Kincaid February 20, 2012 at 8:16 pm

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR HEAD??!?!?!!?!!111

Mumbly_Joe February 20, 2012 at 8:21 pm
el_donaldo February 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Confederate States of America? A former country, but definitely still our biggest problem.

chascates February 20, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Thank god for pellagra!

Steverino247 February 21, 2012 at 12:56 am

The CSA was not a country. It was a confederation of states in rebellion against the Federal Government of the United States of America. No foreign government recognized then as a country.

Loaded_Pants February 21, 2012 at 1:39 am

With good reason.

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 2:45 am

A little snark, s'il vous plaît.

JustPixelz February 21, 2012 at 7:42 am

"… in rebellion against the Federal Government…"

Today they call themselves "The Tea Party".

Today Repubicans call #OWS "class warfare".

Today we call that "treason".

Steverino247 February 21, 2012 at 9:44 am

Plus, they should have known better than to fuck with Abe "Vampire Killer" Lincoln.

(Who writes this shit?)

nounverb911 February 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Bolton's mustache is pretty scary just by itself.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I can't explain the reason for it in any way but his mustache always enrages me.

Fare la Volpe February 20, 2012 at 7:13 pm

It reclines there on his lip, mocking you, enticing your fist to obliterate it. No amount of punching will ever destroy me, it calls. That may be true, you reply, but I'm still going to try my damnedest.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 9:07 pm

If only each of the sides of it were long enough to tie together! Gah!

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:12 pm

A cranky old guy whose name escapes me at the moment has (or used to have) his own website where he ranted about politics. He customarily referred to John Bolton as "mustache on his ass", which never failed to make me laugh.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 7:35 pm

The Mustache of Insanity.

Beowoof February 20, 2012 at 8:52 pm

A mustache no woman wants to ride.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Ha ha ha!
*Urgh*

Chet Kincaid February 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

The Mustache Of Insanity and The Mustache Of Understanding need to have a Sunday morning show together, sponsored by AstraZeneca's portfolio of high blood pressure medications.

actor212 February 21, 2012 at 11:11 am

That's John Bolton? I thought Dr. Bunsen Honeydew grew a mustache.

FlownOver February 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Damn shame Bolton didn't have his turn in the GOP primary barrel.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Even without him, this primary season has been more fun than a barrel of Boltons monkeys.

Beowoof February 20, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I was thinking a turn out hunting with Cheney.

HempDogbane February 20, 2012 at 10:01 pm

He did. Bolton is President-elect Gingrich's choice to head the Department of State, though he may have already backed out. I picture him in Condi's black boots.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan, Exxon, and G.E.

(The U.S. is merely a joint venture of the aforementioned.)

P.S. Furthermore. (Screencap from the weekend thread.)
~

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Hey, that's right!

PAY UP, KIRSTEN!!

Barrelhse February 20, 2012 at 6:06 pm

We are the people our parents warned us about.

MosesInvests February 20, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Jimmy Buffett libel!

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I'm now the single old guy down the road who used to dress his chihuahuas in little outfits & take them for walks?

Jukesgrrl February 20, 2012 at 11:58 pm

When I was a kid there was a guy on my street who used to sit in his car parked in the driveway every evening reading the newspaper until it got too dark for him to see. I think of that guy often. I get him now.

edgydrifter February 20, 2012 at 6:08 pm

North Korea, South Korea, eh… whatever, both. They're all Muslims, right?

SorosBot February 20, 2012 at 7:48 pm

No, the line is "Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe"

horsedreamer_1 February 21, 2012 at 12:42 am

I thought it was, "You're always Abe Froman to me".

Mumbly_Joe February 20, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Actually, everyone who said South Korea is obviously a Starcraft nerd, but the pollsters decided to lump them together to inflate the numbers.

SorosBot February 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Or Sarah Palin, who wants to protect our North Korean allies.

cheaphits February 21, 2012 at 9:03 am

Notice how the country we are actively and publicly fighting in (Afghanistan), didn't even make the top three on the list?

What up with that? For $687 billion we should expect more.

Mumbly_Joe February 21, 2012 at 9:18 am

To be fair, we're at war with a stateless group in the frontiers of Afghanistan, not nation of Afghanistan per se. And have been for 8 years now. It's almost as though that's the sort of war we suck at.

MittsHairHelmet February 20, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Iran spent $7 billion on defense in 2010. The US spent $687 billion. BE AFRAID.

el_donaldo February 20, 2012 at 6:08 pm

By China maybe they meant Eastasia? Or maybe it's Eurasia right now.

Fare la Volpe February 20, 2012 at 6:10 pm

We have always been at war with Eastasia.

Dr_Zoidberg February 20, 2012 at 6:21 pm

We have always been at war with Eurasia.

Mumbly_Joe February 20, 2012 at 7:57 pm

We have always been at war with Oceana.

paris biltong February 20, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Euthanasia is the worst enemy, actually.

el_donaldo February 20, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Santorum says the Netherlands are our worst enemy! http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/301702/20120220/r

LionHeartSoyDog February 20, 2012 at 8:10 pm

The evil Nether Regions are the worst!

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Yes, because they are so exciting & excitable.

starfanglednut February 21, 2012 at 9:24 am

Especially the ones that belong to women!

Chet Kincaid February 21, 2012 at 9:37 am

We have always been at war with Uranus.

(I am not one to leave obvious +p lying around!)

north_of_moscow February 20, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Headline: Majority of Americans identify top enemy as that whore Brenda in accounts receivable

Barrelhse February 20, 2012 at 7:05 pm

That cunt!

Biff February 20, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Only because she wouldn't do me, even when it was my turn.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 7:22 pm

I've seem to have worked at places that had other employees named "That Asshole" & "That Bitch."

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I assume you never worked in the Bush White House, where all the other employees were named* "That Asshole" or "That Bitch".

*and rightfully so

Crank_Tango February 20, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Speaking of which, where is Dana Perino these days? MMMMMM now SHE was one hot ice princess of a bitch.

Crank_Tango February 20, 2012 at 8:27 pm

ah, there she is…and sorta on-topic even….rrrraooooo….
http://www.mediaite.com/tv/dana-perino-gripes-tha

finallyhappy February 21, 2012 at 8:37 am

Jason, is that you? How is the bitch? So glad I don't work there anymore. I heard the Asshole retired last year.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Brenda??
That BITCH!!
I worked with her at the Gift Wrap counter for the Christmas rush, and she was always ripping my paper!

Nothingisamiss February 21, 2012 at 12:48 am

She told me she meant to do it.

That bitch.

chicken_thief February 21, 2012 at 10:15 am

"Ripping your paper"? When you say it that way, it sounds kinda….. hot..

horsedreamer_1 February 21, 2012 at 12:45 am

Herbert Kornfeld may be dead, but that is no reason to go slandering the Accountzz Receevable Brotherhood.

Instead, take aim at that old ass geezer Myron Schabe. You know that hater has some worthless tricks under him in Accountzz Payabo.

Antispandex February 20, 2012 at 6:12 pm

The number one threat in America is BEARS! I saw it on TeeVee. Oh, and moose. You have to shoot them from helicopters. Also.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 7:48 pm

DAMN YOU, Sarah Palin!!!!

HistoriCat February 20, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Bryan Fischer is that you?

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:27 pm

It sure isn't Mike Ditka.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I heard it was gay bears.

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 7:06 am

Those are the best kind.

imissopus February 20, 2012 at 10:12 pm

And with all these women around, the threat increases because the bears can smell the menstruation. We're putting the entire nation at risk!

jodyleek February 21, 2012 at 9:13 am

A moose once bit my sister. No realli!

UnholyMoses February 21, 2012 at 11:47 am

Mind you, møøse bites can be rather nastï.

Boehneriffic February 21, 2012 at 11:50 am

Mooses' noses wiped by Bjorn Irkestom-Slater Walker.

Generation[redacted] February 20, 2012 at 6:13 pm

"Watch out for those sneaky Japs." – The Other 1%

An_Outhouse February 20, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Someone's got a shitty used Honda and found their chance to get even.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Well! Looks like somebody forgot to short their TEPCO stock, eh?

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Did anyone ever figure out what Masaharu Morimoto's golf handicap is?

fuflans February 20, 2012 at 8:06 pm

who knows? trying to find a comment in that thread is like trying to find a butter knife in a hoarder's basement.

i wanted to respond to mittbot and spent like a day in there. scary.

Chet Kincaid February 20, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Subjectively, it felt like I had been in there for 2,000 years, but when I woke up, 60 Minutes was on.

io9k9s February 20, 2012 at 8:10 pm

A people who consume Galapagos sea cucumbers from vending machines must never be underestimated

finallyhappy February 21, 2012 at 8:38 am

Holothuria Thomasi- the other sea cucumber

Rotundo_ February 20, 2012 at 6:13 pm

I thought our greatest threat was idiots starting wars on false pretenses and hiring assholes with white mustaches that needed to be beaten senseless or beyond with a baseball bat. Of course I could be wrong about that.

Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 6:50 pm

No, no, the person you're talking about is America's greatest Commander-in-Chief hero fighter pilot ever. Or was. Until three years ago when all of a sudden he ceased to exist.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 7:32 pm

George. George who? Hmmmm. No, doesn't ring a bell.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 7:53 pm

George Hamilton? Isn't he on the 10-Amero bill? Or is that Reagan now?

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 7:57 pm

No, you're thinking of George Metesky.

Reagan's on the Dime. Always has been.

MiniMencken February 20, 2012 at 6:13 pm

One per cent. One per cent. Where have I heard that phrase recently?

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Not on a list of America's worst enemies, although we should have.

RadioSBJ February 20, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Build the danged fence!

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 7:24 pm

In response to the poll, Sarah posted on fb: "This clearly shows why we need to build a fence between Iran & America."

chicken_thief February 21, 2012 at 10:19 am

I wondered when someone was gonna get their head outta their ass and correctly identify geyh Messicuns cramming their Sharia logs down our throats as the greatest threat to the frredums and liberties we enjoy in America, where real Americans treasure the American Americanism we proudly adopted as American!!!

And plug the danged glory holes!!!

chascates February 20, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Ming the Merciless?

weej_bain February 20, 2012 at 6:25 pm

V571 hasn't been around for a while.

starfanglednut February 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Yeah, where is he? He is awesome. Perhaps he's at Breitbart, battling evil trolls for our benefit.

Designer_Rants February 20, 2012 at 8:39 pm

He does it there so we don't have to do it here.

LiveToServeYa February 21, 2012 at 9:16 am

I think he works for a capital investment firm.

Fred_Wertham_Jr February 20, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Only 2% for Russia? Vladimir Putin will NOT be pleased.

starfanglednut February 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm

He's pissed. I can see it from my house.

Crank_Tango February 20, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Did he rear his head again?

memzilla February 20, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Biggest current enemy of the US?

A toss-up between Kochistan and Limbaughnia.

fuflans February 20, 2012 at 8:09 pm

kardashistan?

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Left out of the poll:
Bachmannia
Gingrichland
Palinstainia
Hermany
Santoruvania
Romnia

Jukesgrrl February 21, 2012 at 12:03 am

And the town of Perryville. Too insignificant to be a country.

owhatever February 20, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Why wasn't Rick Santorum on the list?

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Too soon?

Chet Kincaid February 20, 2012 at 8:22 pm

He ain't a country.

Nostrildamus February 21, 2012 at 1:26 am

He's kind of cunty.

Loaded_Pants February 21, 2012 at 1:29 am

It was a poll of cuntries but not cunties.

(I know that's kinda weak but I'm hopped up on cold meds, some nice ale, & have insomnia).

JustPixelz February 21, 2012 at 7:45 am

He acts like a government unto himself. Using the Constitution to wipe his ass while talking about "higher powers" whose laws only he is able to interpret.

Beowoof February 20, 2012 at 8:56 pm

He is busy ducking some guy trying to shoot him with Santorum.

Dr_Zoidberg February 20, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Shortage of Twinkies?

weej_bain February 20, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Upside, Dr_Z they never, ever spoil.

SoBeach February 20, 2012 at 6:23 pm

And 75% of the 32% who picked Iran would have a 25% chance of correctly locating that country on a globe with 98% of the incorrect countries labelled "Not This One".

Barrelhse February 20, 2012 at 11:01 pm
Biel_ze_Bubba February 20, 2012 at 6:26 pm

My vote for worst enemy would go to News Corp.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 6:26 pm

This survey's bullshit. I don't see either Texas orArizona!

What? They're not still part of us, are they?

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 7:56 pm

La la la la la la la, I can't hear them.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 8:01 pm
flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 11:33 pm

I lerve that clip – posted it before myself.

HogeyeGrex February 21, 2012 at 3:18 am

"We've traced the crazy, and it's coming from inside the country."

tcaalaw February 20, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Aren't we overdue for a John Bolton gay sex scandal by this point? I mean, imagine him in Magnum P.I. short-shorts. The pieces all come together at that point really.

Crank_Tango February 20, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Let's keep in mind that you just imagined John Bolton in "Magnum P.I. short-shorts" — I think we need to get you somewhere quiet now, where you can get the help that you need…

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I need a extra dose of "cold medicine" since that image has been introduced to my brain.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:43 pm

"I mean, imagine him in Magnum P.I. short-shorts."

No, no!
I can't! I WON'T!! And you can't make me!!!

Negropolis February 20, 2012 at 10:16 pm

It'll be an illegal, gay, muslin, Persian boy with Asian bird flu, for sure.

valthemus February 21, 2012 at 12:38 am

Start canvassing the local rent boys. I can't imagine anyone would even *think* of doing Mr. Walrus Hair-helmet without the promise of a hefty payment after.

HogeyeGrex February 21, 2012 at 3:23 am

I mean, imagine him in Magnum P.I. short-shorts.

Wellp. So much for lunch.

For the rest of the week.

JackObin February 20, 2012 at 6:29 pm

It seems to me this nation's top enemy is obesity. Stupidity and poor taste are nipping at its heels.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Rick Froth's nipping at its nose.

unclejeems February 20, 2012 at 9:01 pm

And roasting his chestnuts.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Everybody knows that whore diamonds from Tiffany's help to make the season bright.
People who are doing coke with Duhbya will find it hard to sleep tonight.

weej_bain February 20, 2012 at 6:30 pm
Dashboard Shmoo February 20, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I come close to dying of happiness when my sweetie says she wants to …ahhh, never mind.

hagajim February 20, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I sincerely believe the nation of stupidity (us) is once again our biggest threat. Morons do moronic things to screw their own lives up…now doesn't that sound just like us?

Ducandy February 20, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Finally, I'm a one-percenter!

ifthethunderdontgetya February 20, 2012 at 6:34 pm

UMMMM….

Posted: Sunday, February 19th 2012 at 11:26pm

Santorum blasts Obama during Cumming rally

By Jerry Gunn Staff
~

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I just saw a commercial like that, somewhere.

SorosBot February 20, 2012 at 7:52 pm

"Rick Santorum spoke to an overflow audience at the giant First Redeemer Church in Cumming"

Overflow; even better.

unclejeems February 20, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Overflow. They just kept cumming and cumming and . . .

sharethegrief February 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Gallup poll sponsored by Joe Lieberman.

chascates February 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm
HogeyeGrex February 21, 2012 at 3:28 am

Callista?

An_Outhouse February 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm

"Petrol demand is as low as it’s been since April 1997,"

No American says 'petrol'. Deport the furriner!

mayor_quimby February 20, 2012 at 10:16 pm

I don't know about you, but my V-6 don't run on no pussy-ass petrol, strictly Gas-O-Leen…… Pussy!

Pithaughn February 20, 2012 at 6:37 pm

How long has the Grand Supreme Ayatohlla been a hedge fund manager?

poorgradstudent February 20, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I bet those North Koreans are wishing they had some oil now (and were near Israel, also.)

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 6:40 pm

I'd definitely would have put News Corporation up there. Way up there.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 20, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Internal enemies Stabbing Us In The Back!!!!! are our greatest threat, according to Free Republic.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Zee Mighty Armeeze of Ze Vaterlandt Vos Betradet at home by Zee [REDACTED]!!1!!

- Freie Republik

Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Ah, the "stab in the back theory" – never goes out of style.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stab-in-the-back_leg

MUHAMMED_PBUH February 20, 2012 at 6:43 pm

What about the Jerries? We're about due for another war with them at this point, aren't we?

Callyson February 20, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the Republican party presidential primary.

PuckStopsHere February 20, 2012 at 6:47 pm

#1 Global enemy? Dr. Evil?

Chillwillard February 20, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Where is GERMANY on this list? Pearl Harbor! NEVER FORGET!!!

Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 6:48 pm

I have a feeling it took some creative bookkeeping to get the number down to $687 billion. Maybe: VA doesn't count, veterans pensions don't count,… Not sure exactly what the precise hidden costs were, but I'm sure there were a lot of them.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 7:43 pm

A bunch of "military" stuff gets hidden in the CIA and NSA budgets, too, also.

Crank_Tango February 20, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Oh I am sure that is all harmless stuff like a giant laser you can make popcorn with.

HistoriCat February 20, 2012 at 8:31 pm

You would have to be some kinda genius to make something like that.

Crank_Tango February 20, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Really!

ShaveTheWhales February 21, 2012 at 1:57 am

ON THE MOON!!!!

MoeDeLawn February 21, 2012 at 3:51 pm

in your pants!

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Pentagon, too. Don't forget those expensive toilets & hammers.

johnnyzhivago February 20, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Our #1 enemy is warmongering Canada. We need to invade Canada, kill its leaders and convert them back to the English system.

Our #2 enemy is the fricking script running on this page that keeps sending my browser window back to bejesus every time I enter a fucking comment.

Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 6:55 pm

What? Nobody picked "Loss of Essence", or "Threats to precious bodily fluids"? Was there a huge Tea Party convention out of communications range when this poll was taken?

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 6:59 pm

It's Fluoridation. That's the problem. That's always been the problem.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 7:31 pm

More like the Floridation of our country.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Fluoridation. Working to Sap and Impurify your precious Bodily Fluids since 1952!

Jukesgrrl February 21, 2012 at 12:09 am

Not to mention the alien reptile that's been planted in Hopey's head.

poncho_pilot February 20, 2012 at 7:10 pm

American Idol must have been on.

Designer_Rants February 20, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Dial the dang phone!
(and vote for pretty one who sings "Sweet Home Alabama")

Goonemeritus February 20, 2012 at 7:59 pm

The only answer is to stock a bunker for a decade or two and populate it with a favorable man to women ratio. Eventually it will all blow over and we can reemerge spent but secure.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 8:06 pm
Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 8:18 pm

This "favorable male-female ratio" you're speaking of. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so-called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Can't be helped. Sacrifices must be made. We're talking about the survival of the race, man!

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 9:13 pm

What about male to male ratio? I prefer 2 to 1. Or 2 on 1 or 1 on 2, as it were.

Ultra_C February 21, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Personnally, I tried to pick Planned Parenthood (after all, they've killed tens of millions of Americans), but it wasn't on the list. so instead I picked the most anti-woman, anti-homosexual, anti-secular humanist, anti-atheist country in world history (Iran).

johnnyzhivago February 20, 2012 at 6:55 pm

America's true enemy is all foreigners living abroad. Also all foreigners living here.

ttommyunger February 20, 2012 at 7:29 pm

…and foreigners, too, also, as well as, altogether.

Beowoof February 20, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Also, too.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:51 pm

T

ttommyunger February 21, 2012 at 6:09 am

and…

HogeyeGrex February 21, 2012 at 3:34 am

Some of them foreign broads are pretty hot, though.

Boojum_Reborn February 20, 2012 at 6:55 pm

The greatest enemy we have, after diabetes, is the Slant Eyed Vegetable Prop Monster, whose name automatically deletes comments. First Amendment libel!!!

Jukesgrrl February 21, 2012 at 12:10 am

Forget diabetes. Paula Deen cooked up a cure for that.

Loaded_Pants February 21, 2012 at 1:42 am

It was still smothered in butter.

donner_froh February 20, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Petrol demand may be low in the United States but we are using record amounts of gasoline.

paris biltong February 20, 2012 at 6:57 pm

France isn't listed. Pussies.

rocktonsam February 20, 2012 at 6:58 pm

I'll wait until The Onion tells me who I am to fear the most.

poncho_pilot February 20, 2012 at 7:02 pm

whatever, America. you go to war with the exaggeratedly threatening foreign countries you have–not the exaggeratedly threatening foreign countries you might want or wish to have at a later time.

pace yourself–save those countries for the second term.

chascates February 20, 2012 at 7:09 pm

By the end of President Gingrich's second term, he will have defeated Togo, Luxemburg, and Greenland.

poncho_pilot February 20, 2012 at 7:13 pm

events from one of his alternate history novels?

Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm

And as a result of the elimination of corporate, capitol gains and estate taxes, the elimination of taxes on all income above $200,000 along with quintupled military spending, the country experienced a complete financial collapse and was bought in a hostile takeover by a partnership of the Cayman Islands, Switzerland and Monaco.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Well, it'll be about time we defeat Greenland! According to the most reliable reference after Wikipedia – Uncle John's Bathroom Reader – the US offered Denmark 100 million dollars for Greenland right after World War II, but the Danes never answered.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 7:02 pm

America's True Enemy are all those Foreigners. The ones that came here 300+ years ago.

They ate all the Passenger Pigeons, dammit!

RadioSBJ February 20, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I was never a foreigner fan either.

Negropolis February 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm

They also killed all the buffalo, the bastards.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 10:25 pm

And cut down all the forests. Hey, what haven't they fucked up?

BigDumbRedDog February 20, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Moon Nazis people! Moon Nazis!!!!1!!

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 7:07 pm

What about the Alien Brain Reptiles? Huh?

Why doesn't anyone listen? Where's my Colander Helmet?!

chascates February 20, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Maybe the battle over birth control should be fought in other countries, since they're reproducing faster than we can kill them off.

Blueb4sunrise February 20, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Greatest enemies ain't what they used to be.

Harry_S_Truman February 20, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Hey, sometimes you have to go to war with the greatest enemies you have, not the greatest enemies you wish you had.

SorosBot February 20, 2012 at 7:59 pm

The Soviet Union, now that was an enemy; they had the ability to completely blow us up. Nazi Germany took over almost all of Europe. And then there was the Confederacy, and the British Empire was the mightiest in the world at the time. Now we're supposed to shit our pants at a tiny Middle Eastern nation that has no capability to actually harm us? I think not.

Crank_Tango February 20, 2012 at 8:09 pm

But but but, if they had a nuke, they could maybe, I dunno ship it to us fedex or something?

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 8:11 pm

They could float it over on a blimp, just to show up Ron Paul.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:55 pm

"they could maybe, I dunno ship it to us fedex"

The only funny thing P.J. O'Rourke ever wrote was about the time he was walking home at night and almost got mugged — except the guy was across the street:
Would be Mugger: Come over here and give me all your money!
PJ: No! *keeps walking*

Blueb4sunrise February 20, 2012 at 8:16 pm

sighhhhhhhhhhh

poorgradstudent February 20, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Also if we're still naming Iraq and Japan, where's Germany or Mexico or the Barbary Coast?

arihaya February 20, 2012 at 8:14 pm

or Prussia !

and don't forget the Ottoman Empire !

unclejeems February 20, 2012 at 9:07 pm

And Spain. Remember the Maine.

Negropolis February 20, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Remember the Alamo! Nevah forget!

Dudleydidwrong February 20, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Grenada. We need to reinvade Grenada.

Besides, we haven't lost a war to Grenada in, oh, a thousand years, give-or-take 900 or so.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 20, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I would have said Texas.

DerrickWildcat February 20, 2012 at 7:25 pm

The Cavity Creeps

CapnFatback February 20, 2012 at 7:55 pm

"We make holes in the danged fence!"

ttommyunger February 20, 2012 at 7:32 pm

I would have to say Calista's cankles as number one; have you seen those suckers? She makes Hilary look like Jennifer Fucking Lopez, fer Chrissakes.

fuflans February 20, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Are you really allowed to name China as your “top enemy” when the cell phone you used to take the pollster’s call was built there?)

ahem. people who take these surveys answer a landline phone.

DerrickWildcat February 20, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Gallup calls cell phones too.

fuflans February 20, 2012 at 7:43 pm

well yes, but only the wingtards answer.

unclejeems February 20, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Yes, but everything they're wearing at time, driving, or listening to was also made in China. People would have to go naked, walk, and sing their own songs if they really wanted to get rid of Chinese goods.

Of course walking out naked in public while singing "Hotel California" would have its own set of diversions.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I personally think that anybody, clothed or naked, in public or in private, who sings "Hotel California" should be subject to a horrible punishment including, but not limited to, being locked up in an empty room (i.e., with nothing to make earplugs out of) while "Hotel California" plays on a repeating loop.

Biff February 20, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Also made in China.

Harry_S_Truman February 20, 2012 at 7:39 pm

I heard this straight from no less an expert than Newt Gingrich (and he's really smart); our biggest enemy is our own president. Can you even believe it?

Designer_Rants February 20, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Well, he just locked in my vote. Unless I see a shiny object between now and November.

Chichikovovich February 21, 2012 at 9:53 am

It is an excellent message, except that it's 11 years too late.

anniegetyerfun February 20, 2012 at 7:42 pm

(Are you really allowed to name China as your “top enemy” when the cell phone you used to take the pollster’s call was built there?)

Uh, yeah, since our cell phones are giving us all brain cancer.

fuflans February 20, 2012 at 7:51 pm

sheriff babeau would have gone with mexico.

MadBrahms February 20, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Pretty sure he already did, zing!

Negropolis February 20, 2012 at 10:24 pm

He went south of the border, and then some. **rimshot**

horsedreamer_1 February 21, 2012 at 12:48 am

South of the border, down Mexi-anal way.

HogeyeGrex February 21, 2012 at 3:38 am

Mexi-colon way, innit?

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 7:18 am

It certainly wasn't "taco-style".

SorosBot February 20, 2012 at 7:55 pm

We have nothing to fear but – well nothing actually; there are no foreign enemies that pose a credible threat to the United States, not when we're spending more on our military than the entire rest of the world combined.

Mumbly_Joe February 20, 2012 at 7:56 pm

To be fair, if dollars spent necessarily translated into value created, Americans would also be the healthiest people in the world, too.

BigDumbRedDog February 20, 2012 at 10:02 pm

The moon nazis aren't on our world! Wake up sheeple!

SorosBot February 20, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Yes, we need the biggest military in history for when the moon Nazis attack; and also to prepare for the Dalek invasion of Earth in 2164!

BigDumbRedDog February 20, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Don't even get me started on the Borg and the Cylons! Deceptacons also, too!

new_pic_for_NEWTer February 20, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Hah, and so Canadiana will steal all of your essences and such like, while you are looking the other way – if you don't mind, eh?

RadioSBJ February 20, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Defend the Northern Border!!1!

Negropolis February 20, 2012 at 10:28 pm

We have not fogotten the War of 1812 here in Michigan, I tell you what.

Damned Upper Canadians, the whole damned lot of them.

Chichikovovich February 21, 2012 at 7:56 am

Since your armed hostilities with Ohio are much more recent, I'd be casting some worried glances southward. And Wisconsin has always been a bit pissed off about the whole "losing the UP" thing.

[For non-Michiganders: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toledo_War ]

arihaya February 20, 2012 at 8:08 pm

" .. U.S. ally Israel, "

hhahahs ahahaha,…. yeah because when US hunted Bin Laden in Afghanistan, or deposing Saddam in Iraq, or bombing Gadhafi in Libya, Israel totally send their best trained troops to fight in the front line with US Army

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 9:58 pm

All that investment in Israel & what do we get, right?

mayor_quimby February 20, 2012 at 10:13 pm

A good, steady arms customer?

SorosBot February 20, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Of all the world's countries, the one that most threatens the United States is that horrible Red Sox Nation.

mayor_quimby February 20, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Somebody needs to push those miserable, horribly accented fucks back into the Atlantic once and for all.

Dudleydidwrong February 20, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Now you're getting personal, son. The Red Sox Nation is all that stands between us and a takeover by those weird Newfoundlanders. Newfies belong on the list of enemies and thank Jeebus for the Red Soxers!

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 8:20 pm

And 11 percent believe No Opinion is our top global enemy. Do they have nucular weapons or is that So Opinion?

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I'm glad you spelled nucular right. This whole "Nuclear" thing is starting to piss me off.

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 7:21 am

He just needs to take some yoga, and become more centered.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 10:00 pm

And where does Freedonia rank…..hmmm?

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 7:23 am

Somewhere in hail.

BarackMyWorld February 20, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Meanwhile, in a secluded swamp, the Legion of Doom plots their latest scheme to defeat…the Superfriends…
</announcer voice>

fuflans February 20, 2012 at 8:27 pm

this is totally off topic, but i hope barry is prepared for a positive horde of suitors.

http://surisburnbook.tumblr.com/post/17946457613/

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Three words:

Seal Team Six.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Or mebbe Soul Team Six.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Especially those who like their gals tall.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Not to worry, she'll be coming out of the closet in another five years.

I don't mean the lesbionic-type come out of the closet, I mean that's when Barry will let her out.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 10:07 pm

The suitors need to worry about Michelle, not Barry.

imissopus February 20, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Oh man, is that girl going to break some hearts in a few years.

GregComlish February 20, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Oh Come on. The only reason people put down "The United States" is the biggest threat to the US is because they asked a bunch of Republicans and Gallup wouldn't let them put down "Obama".

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Nah, 3 percent said the "Other". Isn't that what they call him?

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Kirsten:

When may we expect delivery of our Sampler bags of Drugs, Alcohol and Chocolate-Covered Dildos?

Sincerely yours,

The Wonkette Commentariat Weekend Staff

Sharkey February 20, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Trucknutz?

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 8:45 pm

I don't believe TruckNutz were included in the original Incentive Agreement for the 2000+ weekend post. If a pair should happen to end up in my bag (heh, heh) however, I wouldn't mind.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I know what Kirsten was doing this weekend while everybody at the Wonkette was on vacation, but I forgot to link to the pictures on Tumblr and now I can't find them. I know it was her because she had on a name tag that said, "Hello, my name is Kirsten". And nothing else.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Ooo, Do tell!

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Where was the name tag placed exactly?

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 11:39 pm

On her left enlarged modified sweat gland. And it was painted on.

Blueb4sunrise February 20, 2012 at 8:43 pm

johnnyzhivago was right upthread:

Our #1 enemy is warmongering Canada. We need to invade Canada, kill its leaders and convert them back to the English system.

Canada threatens… war with EU over tar sands
http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2012/feb/20

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 9:17 pm

What's Canada so pissed about? No one wants sand in their oil to begin with.

MadBrahms February 20, 2012 at 9:19 pm

On the upside, Stephen Harper and his Conservative Party sure have shut up those smug Canadians who used to mock us for our poor choice in leadership!

Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Well, to be honest I haven't been in a big hurry to do that since the Mulroney régime. But at least Mulroney was awful in the way Canadian politicians often can be – fluent in the language of corruption in both French and English, tireless appointer of incompetent cronies to important jobs (that would then be done by the senior civil servant charged to keep the chaos from spreading), horrible judge of character of nominal chums (brought Lucien Bouchard into government and then looked on slack-jawed as Bouchard left his party and formed the separatist Bloc Québecois.), etc.

Harper is awful in a different way – not incompetent or corrupt so much as relentlessly focused on destructive goals. Sort of a Bush lite, without a trillion-dollar army.

SorosBot February 20, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
With all their beady little eyes
And flapping heads so full of lies!
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
We need to form a full assault,
It's Canada's fault!

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Johnny Weismueller was the best Tarsands ever, although Ron Ely was kind of hunky, too.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Buster Crabbe libel!!

Nostrildamus February 21, 2012 at 1:37 am

Didn't he perish in the Room of Requirement fire?

Negropolis February 20, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Really, Canada, you need an intervention. We need to get your off the (Keystone XL) pipe.

More seriously, I've been very disappointed in how myopic Canada can be with its natural resources. I can't tell you how many so-called liberal Canadians I've had discussions with that get pissed when they hear people refer to the sands as "tar sands" as if it's any better if you call them oil sands. It's still one of the most environmentally destructive ways to produce energy the world has ever seen.

Biff February 20, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I know! Why hasn't Los Angeles mounted a campaign to rename the La Brea Tar Oil Pits?

Beowoof February 20, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I know, I know, the guy in the picture is America's worst global enemy.

MadBrahms February 20, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Oh, we make fun, but just wait until the Chinese People's Liberation Army rolls in on their bicycles, with their yellow shirts and their gong sound effects. See who's laughing then.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 9:18 pm

As long as they don't try to take our Guns, I'm cool with it.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 9:59 pm

I for one will welcome our Chinese People's Liberation Army overlords if they will loot all the Chinese crap from all the WalMarts and take it home with them as their booty.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I don't see them having much use for such apparel as t-shirts like this: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Men-s-Combat-Sam-Short-

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 11:43 pm

They can donate them to their brothers the North Koreans and watch them drool. (Bad pdog, baaaad.)

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:19 pm

With all the enemies America has, how can we determine which is the worst?
If only one group were darker-skinned, or something.

Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Or chose distinctive headgear.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Iran is our worst enemy?
So, that means it's 1979 and Raygun and his followers haven't totally trashed the economy?

MadBrahms February 20, 2012 at 9:35 pm

I move that anyone who advocates war with Iran must identify and properly pronounce the names of both the Supreme Leader and President before voting or making any policy suggestions.

The same goes for China. Anyone who answers "Fu Manchu" is to be permanently exiled to Canada, forced to slave away in the poutine mines of Nunavut.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Well, call me an old fussbudget, but I've always been mildly annoyed by people who think "Ayatollah Khomeini" is a person's name.
"Ayatollah" is the title of a government ruler.
"Khomeini" is a geographical grouping.
Therefore, the Ayatolla Khomeni is the Ayatolla of Khomein, just like the Texan Governor is the Governor of Texas.
The person who was notorious as the "Ayatollah Khomeini" in the 70s was actually named Ruholla Hendi.

Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Huh. I didn't know that. Thanks – that's quality "avoid looking stupid in the future" information right there.

Jukesgrrl February 21, 2012 at 12:21 am

I'd join your crusade, tessiee, but I wore myself out explaining that there was no such person as Princess Diana.

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 2:13 am

The same goes for China. Anyone who answers "Fu Manchu" is to be permanently exiled to Canada, forced to slave away in the poutine mines of Nunavut.

The poutine mines of Nunavut?! That would surely make you history's greatest monster. A poutine gulag is both cruel and unusual.

JackDempsey1 February 20, 2012 at 9:24 pm

The answer is Mexico.
They keep on sending in operatives to do our chores in order to erase our collective memories of routine household tasks. There isn't an American living who has more than a hazy understanding of how to mow a lawn or fold a bedsheet. We're heading over the cliff in an unwashed Chevy.

DerrickWildcat February 20, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Cat spit.

not that Dewey February 20, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I hate to ask such an obvious, naive question, but do we really need a Greatest Enemy? Does there have to be one? This is one of those "when did you stop beating your wife" questions, isn't it?

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Soooooo, ntD, when exactly did you stop beating your wife?

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 7:33 am

I think it was a Tuesday…

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Well, we need one for the Distraction, obviously. That is precisely why we have always been at war with Eastasia.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 10:02 pm

So who do you consider to be the United States' greatest enema today?

horsedreamer_1 February 21, 2012 at 12:50 am

Janine Lindemuller?

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 2:16 am

Marshal "Enema Man" Mathers III?

Negropolis February 20, 2012 at 10:04 pm

You mean to tell me that a central Asian nation with a (real) unemployment rate upwards of 20-30% and a per capita GDP ranked around the 100th in the world is our greatest threat? Really, America? For reals, America?

Really, I'm tired of this theater, and shame on our leaders, Democrats and Republicans, alike, that keep cynically deceiving us. They think we're that stupid…and they're probably right.

Chichikovovich February 21, 2012 at 8:16 am

Totally. Don't they know that our true biggest threat is a Caribbean island with a basket case economy, and a land area smaller than most US states, upon which we've established a military base that they are powerless to do anything about?

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 8:57 am

The Cuban issue just blows my mind. Every country has their odd boogey men arch enemies – I mean, the whole Falkland thing looks pretty silly for both sides from an American perspective – but the reflexiveness toward Cuba is something else to behold. Vietnam was another one that looked like bad news from the very beginning, but looks absolutely horrible and astounding in its pettiness and unnecessity in hindsight.

Chichikovovich February 21, 2012 at 9:25 am

Yes indeed. Among the many things that are staggering in retrospect is the fact {now, of course, down the memory hole} that the U.S. gave substantial financial and other support to Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge for no other reason, apparently, than that they were opposed to the Vietnamese.Though I'm in no way a fan of Maggie T, I've always had a soft spot for her aggressive military response in the Falklands, since theembarrassing thrashing delivered to Argentina led directly to the downfall of the blood-soaked Junta (beloved by Jeanne Kirkpatrick) that had run the Dirty War.—

Chet Kincaid February 21, 2012 at 9:36 am

?? Cuba isn't on that list.

BTWBFDIMHO February 21, 2012 at 9:48 am

Iran's GDP = Maryland's GDP.

DerrickWildcat February 20, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Heart Disease.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Exercise.

Biff February 20, 2012 at 11:52 pm

I would have guessed diabeetus.

DerrickWildcat February 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Not eating a good Breakfast.

Loaded_Pants February 20, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Fiber.

Negropolis February 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

BTW, where is Kenya listed on this list? I'd have guessed it have been at least second, along with the nation of Hawaii and the socialist city-state of Chicago.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Robots. Stealing our Senior Citizens medicine.

Fukui_sanYesOta February 20, 2012 at 10:47 pm

A true threat. Look for it re-run as an attack ad come October.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I know it keeps me up at night.

imissopus February 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Based on the movie trailers I saw on Saturday, I'm going with either Cobra or weird undersea robots that can shoot explosive Selectric typewriter wheels thousands of miles at our cities and military bases.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Oooo, those puppies hurt when they get stuck and you end up popping them off into your face! Can't imagine what they'd be like being fired thousands of miles.

Fortunately for my face, the office's last Selectric died about a year and a half ago.

SorosBot February 21, 2012 at 7:44 am

What's a "type writer", old people?

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 7:37 am

You sunk my battle-writer! Now how am I going to warblog?

Negropolis February 20, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Come on, you guys. As you know, you go to war with the enemy you have, not the enemy you might want or wish to have at a later time.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 20, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Once again, everyone ignores the true menace that is Canada.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I'm more afraid of Alaska. Maybe we could trade it to Denmark for Greenland and a case of beer to be named later.

trampndirtdown February 20, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Steve King told me our worst enemy is those damn curly cue light bulbs!

mayor_quimby February 20, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Rick Froth is seriously untethered from facts when he's in front of a friendly audience – he knows how to stoke a sub-surface fear within his people so that when they hear anything remotely related they jump to the worst, craziest conclusion. It's very related to evangelical faith, you have to be prepared to receive the word, so to speak. When you hear that little dog whistle it confirms everything you have been told, and magnifies it.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Zebra mussels.

DerrickWildcat February 20, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Wonder Pets.

not that Dewey February 21, 2012 at 8:11 am

They're not so tough.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Phragmites

littlebigdaddy February 20, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Obviously, our greatest enemy is Canada! Who else mocks us by having prosperity and universal health care coverage. And by inflicting hockey on us, when we have perfectly good sports of our own.

C_R_Eature February 20, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Triffids

Jukesgrrl February 21, 2012 at 12:23 am

The Birds.

tessiee February 20, 2012 at 11:44 pm

What the hell, "gas station wine" didn't even make the list?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 20, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Freedonia didn't make the list again? They'll be so disappointed.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Mighty Morphine Power Arrangers.

HogeyeGrex February 21, 2012 at 3:51 am

Oh, so you know Jerry.

DerrickWildcat February 20, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Tim Tebow.

elburritodeluxe February 21, 2012 at 12:25 am

We spend billions rebuilding Afghanistan and trying to wring out Taliban fighters there and 7% think were doing it because they're our enemy?

DocChaos February 21, 2012 at 12:29 am

Duh!
Its obviously Indonesia. They have more Mooslims than any other nation.

ElPinche February 21, 2012 at 12:52 am

Let us spare those mooslims for their yummy Satay and Bakso.

Beetagger February 21, 2012 at 12:51 am

All of them, Katie.

Steverino247 February 21, 2012 at 1:19 am

The Raider Nation needs to be eliminated and that's a fact.

proudgrampa February 21, 2012 at 11:26 am

Hear, hear!

tessiee February 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Paul Revere libel!

ElPinche February 21, 2012 at 1:26 am

Like it or not, Barry Sotero will win in 2012 because the Cthulu Lizard Deity wants it that way. (check your Monster manuals or Fiend Folios on that one)
In 2013, there will be War: America versus the Obama alien reptile. The worse part is that we'll have to go through Biden first. Who knows what those hairplugs really are.

RadioSBJ February 21, 2012 at 2:37 am

Jill, baby, Jill.

bagofmice February 21, 2012 at 7:40 am

I'm somewhat wary of my fiendfolio after it got Santorum on it.

RadioSBJ February 21, 2012 at 4:37 am

Santorum/Bolton '12

tessiee February 21, 2012 at 1:08 pm

That works with either John OR Michael.

C_R_Eature February 21, 2012 at 6:37 am

Trolls

(No, not Brietbart trolls – they're just assholes. the ones under the bridges. I'm running out of goats!)

Smithboy February 21, 2012 at 6:53 am

There is a constant drumbeat for war presented by supporters of Israel here in the US and no opposing views are allowed. If you watch network news or the political sunday morning programs you will never hear an invited guest say…Iran has no nuclear weapons programs. Iran is a member of the AEIA…Israel is not.

Write the white house and tell Obama to stand tall against Netanyahu and his henchment here in our own country.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/submit-question

finallyhappy February 21, 2012 at 8:41 am

henchment?

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 8:59 am

You were doing so well, too, until the end, bless your heart.

Chichikovovich February 21, 2012 at 7:50 am

With all this attention to Iran, everyone has forgotten The Duchy of Grand Fenwick.

Which is when they are the most dangerous.

Biff February 21, 2012 at 11:06 am

Rawr!

paris biltong February 21, 2012 at 8:01 am

Greece. Greece is bringing down the whole financial house of cards and must be dealt with swiftly and mercilessly. Send the Marines!

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 8:53 am

Much like the Arab League and UN invitation to the party in Libya, we're only going into Greece if the EU and UN requests it. lol

Dashboard Shmoo February 21, 2012 at 8:58 am

Not a bad idea, actually. US Military bases typically hire locals to do the scut work. Jerbs!

Plus, Marines spend money like drunken sailors. Boostin' the economy!

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 8:46 am

OT: Just watching Morning Joe (I like it as a guilty pleasure in a bad car wreck kind of way), and they have that vile-assed Franklin Graham on playing the really "I don't know if Obama is a Chrisitian, you have to ask him" bullshit. Usually, this panel is a pro at tolerating this vileness, consummate villagers and bullshitters, themselves. This time, to my surprise, the entire panel calls BS on every shitty talking point he throws out. He goes on about how Mitt Romney's not a Christian, that Newt is a serial adulterer…but, somehow, theologically, both are better candidates than the Christian Obama. You should have saw them call his ass out, and how dumbfounded they were. They had Alex Wagner, Willie, John Heileman and Mike Barnacle on. It was a thing of strange beauty. You never see this kind of candidness on that show, or most cable news.

It gave me some hope that maybe, just maybe, the beltway ass-kissers will do their job, this time, and just totally start calling the other sides' lies, for once. Who knows. I'm not holding my breath.

Limeylizzie February 21, 2012 at 9:09 am

I watched that and the Twitter is all over it , I think they were good on MJ because Joe and Mika were absent and it became a watchable show.

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 9:16 am

Yeah, it does seem to be better when they are absent, which is ironic given the fact that they are given star billing. Joe's a bully, and Mika is, well…I don't quite know what she is when she's around Joe, but it's a very odd (and very annoying) character she plays.

Limeylizzie February 21, 2012 at 9:21 am

I have started to watch Soledad's show on CNN and if I flip between that and MJ I find myself not quite so angry .

Chet Kincaid February 21, 2012 at 9:53 am

Mika Milquetoast is a willing collaborator in Joe's insufferableness. I've seen articles that try to drum up sympathy about how he is "oppressing" her, but I suspect she could easily get another gig if she wanted.

chascates February 21, 2012 at 9:47 am

I've wondered if Franklin is such a prick because the Graham brand is fading and he wants more publicity. Plus once Dad takes the Stairway to Heaven Frankie won't want to live in his shadow.

The fact that he's an outrider for Sarah Palin shows his lack of long-term career planning.

Chet Kincaid February 21, 2012 at 9:56 am

Kudos to you for watching that shit! My blood pressure can only take local news, ESPN and Comcast Sportsnet in the morning anymore.

Smithboy February 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

my wife and I were cheering as they nailed Graham for setting the bar so high for Obama but not for serial divorce sex addict Newt Gingrch, Santorum and Mitt.

Chet Kincaid February 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

Those fucking wimps wouldn't have opened their mouths if Joe had been there.

tessiee February 21, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"This time, to my surprise, the entire panel calls BS on every shitty talking point he throws out. …. It was a thing of strange beauty. You never see this kind of candidness on that show, or most cable news. … It gave me some hope that maybe, just maybe, the beltway ass-kissers will do their job, this time, and just totally start calling the other sides' lies, for once."

We have St. Ronnie to thank for *that*, too. It got exponentially worse after 9/11 somehow magically made Bush not a moron, but Raygun was the first to promote the meme that it was bad form for journalists to ask questions.

sewollef February 21, 2012 at 8:48 am

Underneath that sober/boring suit he always wears, is an ever so cute little leather Bavarian outfit, complete with studs and diamonds.

One day he's gonna get hisself caught in Minneapolis airport restrooms, I'm telling ya.

mermera February 21, 2012 at 9:05 am

Lt. Prince in its jet flyin' suit and Sick Rantorum with the white pointy hat. The collective poster ids for evil.

SolitaireRose February 21, 2012 at 9:10 am

Can we really have forgotten our Cylon enemies already? WHY DON'T SCHOOLS TEACH HISTORY!!??!!

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 9:21 am

OT: Oh, boy:

Former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been detained for questioning by French police investigating a prostitution ring.

Mr Strauss-Kahn, once a front-runner for the French presidency, could be held for 48 hours at a police station in Lille, northern France.

Investigators have already questioned a number of prostitutes who have admitted having sex with Mr Strauss-Kahn.

He insists he did not know that the women were prostitutes.

"I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other naked woman," his lawyer Henri Leclerc has told French television.

Stay klassy, DSK. Apparently, the legal problem in this particular case isn't buying prostitutes, rather, that he bought them with company funds and bought them from a ring.

Chichikovovich February 21, 2012 at 9:44 am

"I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other naked woman,"

I know! I know! Teacher, pick me, pick me!

The (presumably well-compensated) naked prostitutes are the ones who are willing to have sex with that flabby old rapist goat.

Blueb4sunrise February 21, 2012 at 10:28 am

Only ultrasound can tell them apart!

BTWBFDIMHO February 21, 2012 at 10:43 am

As Joaquin Sabina would say: "la más señora de todas la putas, la más puta de todas las señoras".

LiveToServeYa February 21, 2012 at 9:22 am

"To our friends, the Good Guys,
and to our enemies, the Bad Guys,
and to the hope that one day we'll be able to tell one from the other."
- Toast from Keith Laumer novel

tessiee February 21, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"No one likes us, I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens"

– Randy Newman, "Let's Drop the Big One Now"

elburritodeluxe February 21, 2012 at 10:17 am

Where is Mordor?

WiscDad February 21, 2012 at 10:18 am

How can Afghanistan even be on the list? What are they going to do…throw rocks at us.

ElPinche February 21, 2012 at 11:01 am

Heh..yeah, we haven't had a chance to fully arm them yet.

chascates February 21, 2012 at 11:11 am

No rocks, just suck out money, blood, and public discourse for the next 5 years.

7th Century for the win!

chascates February 21, 2012 at 10:23 am

1. Climate Change
2. Religious Fanatics
3. Loose Women Who Turn Me Down

DaRooster February 21, 2012 at 10:47 am

“People are properly puzzled by the fact that we’re using less gas than we have in years, yet we’re paying more.”

Duh…

thebeatgoeson February 21, 2012 at 10:50 am

Best alt-text ever! ('Cause it's true…)

Ruhe February 21, 2012 at 10:54 am

Acknowledging that your own nation is the greatest threat to world security in the world is the "record net long position" of all net long positions, no?

prommie February 21, 2012 at 10:57 am

Is that like betting against yourself in a boxing match?

prommie February 21, 2012 at 10:57 am

The single greatest threat to this nation today is the fact that Tom Hanks is still making movies. When he isn't hosting benefit events to commemorate the D-Day Astronauts.

ElPinche February 21, 2012 at 11:03 am

Last good one , as I recall, was Bachelor Party

prommie February 21, 2012 at 11:12 am

Some movies are "bad" in the sense that they are not good, they fail to achieve goodness. Tom Hanks' movies are "bad" not because they are "not good," they are "bad" in the sense that they are intrinsically morally evil, a force for darkness and death and pain and pestilence in the world. They are the antithesis of "good," and thus its mortal enemy, and their existence is an excruciating insult to good people everywhere.

ElPinche February 21, 2012 at 4:19 pm

"You've Got Mail" comes to mind.

GorzoTheMighty February 21, 2012 at 11:12 am

Bad manners. One shouldn't bomb people during tea time. Just not done old boy.

VinnyThePooh February 21, 2012 at 11:14 am

WalMart should top that list.

BlueStateLibel February 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

So what's with our Wonkette overlords? 11:20 EST and still no new snark? "They" haven't started flying drones in the U.S. already, have they?

proudgrampa February 21, 2012 at 11:25 am

I don't know who our worst enemy is, but I sure wish that the US would stop working so hard to make more.

ttommyunger February 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

Nice pix of 'Merika's Number One Enema, you betcha!

ChrisM2011 February 21, 2012 at 11:54 am

China's #2? Why do you hate Walmart so much, America?

Generation[redacted] February 21, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Ultra_C February 21, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"the nation that Americans should really fear most is, ha ha, their own"

I agree, but you forgot to add that the US government has murdered over 40 million children right here in America! How can we call ourselves "civilized" and pay rich white men millions of dollars to suck the brains out of unborn children?

Thanks, Kirsten, for recognizing that the American Holocaust is real.

Negropolis February 21, 2012 at 9:50 pm

But, but sharing is caring. Providing them for others is quintessentially socialist. Man, Sarkozy fucked up France more than I thought. What is this world coming to when you can't share prostitutes in France?! Won't someone think of the scumbag millionaries?!

Chichikovovich February 20, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Could be him.
I heard he's on the loose.

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 11:48 pm

When I clicked on the linkie, the pop-up ad at the bottom of the video was "President Santorum?"

flamingpdog February 20, 2012 at 11:36 pm

So what so they feed the hot ice princess of a bitch? Perino Dog Chow?

RadioSBJ February 21, 2012 at 12:58 am

Hey Pinche, how can you question Apple? Don't you know that Obama hates Apple? They are the most capitalized company in the world, and he's a Marxist. At least that's what Russ says. And Limbnuts should know, they won't sponsor the fat fuckface.
And, also too, your new description is right on. Waht is the deal with those trolls visiting our profiles?? Feeble intimidation, OCD or just flat out psychopaths? Or all of them Katie?

Steverino247 February 21, 2012 at 1:11 am

You guys need to go see ZPZ if the show gets anywhere near you. Just great what Dweezil's doing out there.

ElPinche February 21, 2012 at 1:23 am

well im sure one day we'll all be watching in horror on our fancy capitalistic ipads a corporate sponsored youtube video of limpnuts choking on a taco bell chimichanga or something on that god forsaken walmart-bought webcam.

all of the katie on that last one. yeah, those breitbart fellas need to get out more or something.
tonight, i have lost the will to use the shift key.

C_R_Eature February 21, 2012 at 6:36 am

Twice! Awesome both times.

Ruhe February 21, 2012 at 10:57 am

True story: While waiting for a haircut once in Chicago the old guy in the chair ahead of me was ranting that we had no idea what might have happened to Clinton (this was '94) while he was over in Russia as a student. "They coulda planted one of them chip things in his head." "Yup" was the old barber's sage reply.

Jukesgrrl February 21, 2012 at 10:55 pm

I love theories like that.I once overheard a rider on a bus in Pittsburgh pontificate to a group that had boarded at the homeless shelter.She was patiently explaining to them (and they were listening) that George Bush was merely a puppet president, it was actually the all-knowing person she referred to as “Bald Ari” who was running the country.”Bald Ari knows everything.You listen to him when he talks on TV,” she admonished.I've often wondered how she coped when Fleischer (aka The Great and Powerful Oz) resigned.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: