new poll proves it

Mere 1% of Americans Can Correctly Identify Nation’s Top Global Enemy

You can't see it, but he's wearing a tutu.

Favored pick “Iran” won this season’s Gallup poll for “America’s Top Enemy” by its highest-ever margin, wow! A full third of Americans picked Iran as their most dreaded bogeyman this year (up from a quarter last year) for, eh, some sort of reason. Perhaps a follow-up “why” question might have been interesting or informative here, pollsters? Nope. Gallup cheated and filled in the essay section on its own without Americans’ help, as may be noted from the conspicuous lack of JEE-HAD and TERRORIZM mentions in their concluding analysis to explain Iran’s ongoing dominance in this award category: “Iran’s continued public announcements of its growing nuclear capabilities, its threats of war with U.S. ally Israel, and the possibility that Iran could disrupt the flow of oil out of the Middle East and further affect domestic oil and gas prices no doubt all contribute to Americans’ negative views of the country.” Hm. Well to be fair, by this logic that we ought to freak out over the country that’s doing the best job of constantly threatening new wars and buying scary new weapons and driving up oil prices, the nation that Americans should really fear most is, ha ha, their own. So what percentage of Americans managed to arrive at this conclusion? (HINT: the headline gives it away.)

There it is, down there at the bottom, mysteriously tied with, uh, Japan:

(Are you really allowed to name China as your “top enemy” when the cell phone you used to take the pollster’s call was built there?)

Anyhow, the important thing to remember here at all times is that it is ALL IRAN’S FAULT, GRRR that all the gas prices are so high these days, via Bloomberg:

Strangely, the current run-up in prices comes despite sinking demand in the U.S. “Petrol demand is as low as it’s been since April 1997,” says Tom Kloza, chief oil analyst for the Oil Price Information Service. “People are properly puzzled by the fact that we’re using less gas than we have in years, yet we’re paying more.”

Kloza believes much of the increase is due to speculative money that’s flowed into gasoline futures contracts since the beginning of the year, mostly from hedge funds and large money managers. “We’ve seen about $11 billion of speculative money come in on the long side of gas futures,” he says. “Each of the last three weeks we’ve seen a record net long position being taken.”

Yeah. [Gallup/Bloomberg]

What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • DrunkIrishman

    Snooki?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      My guess was Dana Loesch, but that would be unfair to sandwich-boards-as-computers, who are also enemas of the state.

  • nounverb911

    "We have met the enemy and he is us."

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Pogo might suggest we put USA at the top.

      USA USA USA

      It feels better and safer already.

  • Fare la Volpe

    The fact that no one said Reptilians is a sign that "They" have already won.

    WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

    • Crank_Tango

      too soon?

      • Fare la Volpe

        That's exactly what a Reptilian sleeper agent would say…

        • Crank_Tango

          Reptilian sleeper agent libel!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR HEAD??!?!?!!?!!111

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe
  • el_donaldo

    Confederate States of America? A former country, but definitely still our biggest problem.

    • chascates

      Thank god for pellagra!

    • Steverino247

      The CSA was not a country. It was a confederation of states in rebellion against the Federal Government of the United States of America. No foreign government recognized then as a country.

      • Loaded_Pants

        With good reason.

      • Negropolis

        A little snark, s'il vous plaît.

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        "… in rebellion against the Federal Government…"

        Today they call themselves "The Tea Party".

        Today Repubicans call #OWS "class warfare".

        Today we call that "treason".

        • Steverino247

          Plus, they should have known better than to fuck with Abe "Vampire Killer" Lincoln.

          (Who writes this shit?)

  • nounverb911

    Bolton's mustache is pretty scary just by itself.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I can't explain the reason for it in any way but his mustache always enrages me.

      • Fare la Volpe

        It reclines there on his lip, mocking you, enticing your fist to obliterate it. No amount of punching will ever destroy me, it calls. That may be true, you reply, but I'm still going to try my damnedest.

        • Loaded_Pants

          If only each of the sides of it were long enough to tie together! Gah!

      • tessiee

        A cranky old guy whose name escapes me at the moment has (or used to have) his own website where he ranted about politics. He customarily referred to John Bolton as "mustache on his ass", which never failed to make me laugh.

    • C_R_Eature

      The Mustache of Insanity.

      • Beowoof

        A mustache no woman wants to ride.

        • C_R_Eature

          Ha ha ha!
          *Urgh*

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        The Mustache Of Insanity and The Mustache Of Understanding need to have a Sunday morning show together, sponsored by AstraZeneca's portfolio of high blood pressure medications.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That's John Bolton? I thought Dr. Bunsen Honeydew grew a mustache.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Damn shame Bolton didn't have his turn in the GOP primary barrel.

    • flamingpdog

      Even without him, this primary season has been more fun than a barrel of Boltons monkeys.

    • Beowoof

      I was thinking a turn out hunting with Cheney.

    • HempDogbane

      He did. Bolton is President-elect Gingrich's choice to head the Department of State, though he may have already backed out. I picture him in Condi's black boots.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan, Exxon, and G.E.

    (The U.S. is merely a joint venture of the aforementioned.)

    P.S. Furthermore. (Screencap from the weekend thread.)
    ~

    • C_R_Eature

      Hey, that's right!

      PAY UP, KIRSTEN!!

  • Barrelhse

    We are the people our parents warned us about.

    • MosesInvests

      Jimmy Buffett libel!

    • Loaded_Pants

      I'm now the single old guy down the road who used to dress his chihuahuas in little outfits & take them for walks?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        When I was a kid there was a guy on my street who used to sit in his car parked in the driveway every evening reading the newspaper until it got too dark for him to see. I think of that guy often. I get him now.

  • edgydrifter

    North Korea, South Korea, eh… whatever, both. They're all Muslims, right?

    • SorosBot

      No, the line is "Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe"

      • horsedreamer_1

        I thought it was, "You're always Abe Froman to me".

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

      Actually, everyone who said South Korea is obviously a Starcraft nerd, but the pollsters decided to lump them together to inflate the numbers.

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

      Notice how the country we are actively and publicly fighting in (Afghanistan), didn't even make the top three on the list?

      What up with that? For $687 billion we should expect more.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

        To be fair, we're at war with a stateless group in the frontiers of Afghanistan, not nation of Afghanistan per se. And have been for 8 years now. It's almost as though that's the sort of war we suck at.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Iran spent $7 billion on defense in 2010. The US spent $687 billion. BE AFRAID.

  • el_donaldo

    By China maybe they meant Eastasia? Or maybe it's Eurasia right now.

    • Fare la Volpe

      We have always been at war with Eastasia.

      • Dr_Zoidberg

        We have always been at war with Eurasia.

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

          We have always been at war with Oceana.

    • paris biltong

      Euthanasia is the worst enemy, actually.

      • el_donaldo

        Santorum says the Netherlands are our worst enemy! http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/301702/20120220/r

        • LionHeartSoyDog

          The evil Nether Regions are the worst!

          • Loaded_Pants

            Yes, because they are so exciting & excitable.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Especially the ones that belong to women!

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            We have always been at war with Uranus.

            (I am not one to leave obvious +p lying around!)

  • north_of_moscow

    Headline: Majority of Americans identify top enemy as that whore Brenda in accounts receivable

    • Barrelhse

      That cunt!

      • Biff

        Only because she wouldn't do me, even when it was my turn.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I've seem to have worked at places that had other employees named "That Asshole" & "That Bitch."

      • flamingpdog

        I assume you never worked in the Bush White House, where all the other employees were named* "That Asshole" or "That Bitch".

        *and rightfully so

        • Crank_Tango

          Speaking of which, where is Dana Perino these days? MMMMMM now SHE was one hot ice princess of a bitch.

      • finallyhappy

        Jason, is that you? How is the bitch? So glad I don't work there anymore. I heard the Asshole retired last year.

    • tessiee

      Brenda??
      That BITCH!!
      I worked with her at the Gift Wrap counter for the Christmas rush, and she was always ripping my paper!

      • Nothingisamiss

        She told me she meant to do it.

        That bitch.

      • chicken_thief

        "Ripping your paper"? When you say it that way, it sounds kinda….. hot..

    • horsedreamer_1

      Herbert Kornfeld may be dead, but that is no reason to go slandering the Accountzz Receevable Brotherhood.

      Instead, take aim at that old ass geezer Myron Schabe. You know that hater has some worthless tricks under him in Accountzz Payabo.

  • Antispandex

    The number one threat in America is BEARS! I saw it on TeeVee. Oh, and moose. You have to shoot them from helicopters. Also.

    • flamingpdog

      DAMN YOU, Sarah Palin!!!!

    • HistoriCat

      Bryan Fischer is that you?

      • tessiee

        It sure isn't Mike Ditka.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I heard it was gay bears.

      • bagofmice

        Those are the best kind.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      And with all these women around, the threat increases because the bears can smell the menstruation. We're putting the entire nation at risk!

    • jodyleek

      A moose once bit my sister. No realli!

      • UnholyMoses

        Mind you, møøse bites can be rather nastï.

        • Boehneriffic

          Mooses' noses wiped by Bjorn Irkestom-Slater Walker.

  • Generation[redacted]

    "Watch out for those sneaky Japs." – The Other 1%

    • An_Outhouse

      Someone's got a shitty used Honda and found their chance to get even.

    • C_R_Eature

      Well! Looks like somebody forgot to short their TEPCO stock, eh?

    • flamingpdog

      Did anyone ever figure out what Masaharu Morimoto's golf handicap is?

      • fuflans

        who knows? trying to find a comment in that thread is like trying to find a butter knife in a hoarder's basement.

        i wanted to respond to mittbot and spent like a day in there. scary.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Subjectively, it felt like I had been in there for 2,000 years, but when I woke up, 60 Minutes was on.

    • io9k9s

      A people who consume Galapagos sea cucumbers from vending machines must never be underestimated

      • finallyhappy

        Holothuria Thomasi- the other sea cucumber

  • Rotundo_

    I thought our greatest threat was idiots starting wars on false pretenses and hiring assholes with white mustaches that needed to be beaten senseless or beyond with a baseball bat. Of course I could be wrong about that.

    • Chichikovovich

      No, no, the person you're talking about is America's greatest Commander-in-Chief hero fighter pilot ever. Or was. Until three years ago when all of a sudden he ceased to exist.

      • C_R_Eature

        George. George who? Hmmmm. No, doesn't ring a bell.

        • flamingpdog

          George Hamilton? Isn't he on the 10-Amero bill? Or is that Reagan now?

          • C_R_Eature

            No, you're thinking of George Metesky.

            Reagan's on the Dime. Always has been.

  • MiniMencken

    One per cent. One per cent. Where have I heard that phrase recently?

    • tessiee

      Not on a list of America's worst enemies, although we should have.

  • RadioSBJ

    Build the danged fence!

    • Loaded_Pants

      In response to the poll, Sarah posted on fb: "This clearly shows why we need to build a fence between Iran & America."

    • chicken_thief

      I wondered when someone was gonna get their head outta their ass and correctly identify geyh Messicuns cramming their Sharia logs down our throats as the greatest threat to the frredums and liberties we enjoy in America, where real Americans treasure the American Americanism we proudly adopted as American!!!

      And plug the danged glory holes!!!

  • chascates

    Ming the Merciless?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      V571 hasn't been around for a while.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Yeah, where is he? He is awesome. Perhaps he's at Breitbart, battling evil trolls for our benefit.

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

          He does it there so we don't have to do it here.

    • LiveToServeYa

      I think he works for a capital investment firm.

  • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

    Only 2% for Russia? Vladimir Putin will NOT be pleased.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      He's pissed. I can see it from my house.

      • Crank_Tango

        Did he rear his head again?

  • memzilla

    Biggest current enemy of the US?

    A toss-up between Kochistan and Limbaughnia.

    • fuflans

      kardashistan?

      • Loaded_Pants

        Left out of the poll:
        Bachmannia
        Gingrichland
        Palinstainia
        Hermany
        Santoruvania
        Romnia

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          And the town of Perryville. Too insignificant to be a country.

  • owhatever

    Why wasn't Rick Santorum on the list?

    • flamingpdog

      Too soon?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      He ain't a country.

      • Nostrildamus

        He's kind of cunty.

        • Loaded_Pants

          It was a poll of cuntries but not cunties.

          (I know that's kinda weak but I'm hopped up on cold meds, some nice ale, & have insomnia).

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        He acts like a government unto himself. Using the Constitution to wipe his ass while talking about "higher powers" whose laws only he is able to interpret.

    • Beowoof

      He is busy ducking some guy trying to shoot him with Santorum.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Shortage of Twinkies?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Upside, Dr_Z they never, ever spoil.

  • SoBeach

    And 75% of the 32% who picked Iran would have a 25% chance of correctly locating that country on a globe with 98% of the incorrect countries labelled "Not This One".

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    My vote for worst enemy would go to News Corp.

  • C_R_Eature

    This survey's bullshit. I don't see either Texas orArizona!

    What? They're not still part of us, are they?

  • tcaalaw

    Aren't we overdue for a John Bolton gay sex scandal by this point? I mean, imagine him in Magnum P.I. short-shorts. The pieces all come together at that point really.

    • Crank_Tango

      Let's keep in mind that you just imagined John Bolton in "Magnum P.I. short-shorts" — I think we need to get you somewhere quiet now, where you can get the help that you need…

      • Loaded_Pants

        I need a extra dose of "cold medicine" since that image has been introduced to my brain.

    • tessiee

      "I mean, imagine him in Magnum P.I. short-shorts."

      No, no!
      I can't! I WON'T!! And you can't make me!!!

    • Negropolis

      It'll be an illegal, gay, muslin, Persian boy with Asian bird flu, for sure.

    • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

      Start canvassing the local rent boys. I can't imagine anyone would even *think* of doing Mr. Walrus Hair-helmet without the promise of a hefty payment after.

    • HogeyeGrex

      I mean, imagine him in Magnum P.I. short-shorts.

      Wellp. So much for lunch.

      For the rest of the week.

  • JackObin

    It seems to me this nation's top enemy is obesity. Stupidity and poor taste are nipping at its heels.

    • flamingpdog

      Rick Froth's nipping at its nose.

      • unclejeems

        And roasting his chestnuts.

      • tessiee

        Everybody knows that whore diamonds from Tiffany's help to make the season bright.
        People who are doing coke with Duhbya will find it hard to sleep tonight.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain
    • Dashboard Shmoo

      I come close to dying of happiness when my sweetie says she wants to …ahhh, never mind.

  • hagajim

    I sincerely believe the nation of stupidity (us) is once again our biggest threat. Morons do moronic things to screw their own lives up…now doesn't that sound just like us?

  • Ducandy

    Finally, I'm a one-percenter!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    UMMMM….

    Posted: Sunday, February 19th 2012 at 11:26pm

    Santorum blasts Obama during Cumming rally

    By Jerry Gunn Staff
    ~

    • C_R_Eature

      I just saw a commercial like that, somewhere.

    • SorosBot

      "Rick Santorum spoke to an overflow audience at the giant First Redeemer Church in Cumming"

      Overflow; even better.

      • unclejeems

        Overflow. They just kept cumming and cumming and . . .

  • sharethegrief

    Gallup poll sponsored by Joe Lieberman.

  • chascates
    • HogeyeGrex

      Callista?

  • An_Outhouse

    "Petrol demand is as low as it’s been since April 1997,"

    No American says 'petrol'. Deport the furriner!

    • mayor_quimby

      I don't know about you, but my V-6 don't run on no pussy-ass petrol, strictly Gas-O-Leen…… Pussy!

  • Pithaughn

    How long has the Grand Supreme Ayatohlla been a hedge fund manager?

  • poorgradstudent

    I bet those North Koreans are wishing they had some oil now (and were near Israel, also.)

  • C_R_Eature

    I'd definitely would have put News Corporation up there. Way up there.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Internal enemies Stabbing Us In The Back!!!!! are our greatest threat, according to Free Republic.

  • MUHAMMED_PBUH

    What about the Jerries? We're about due for another war with them at this point, aren't we?

  • Callyson

    Keep your friends close and your enemies in the Republican party presidential primary.

  • PuckStopsHere

    #1 Global enemy? Dr. Evil?

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Where is GERMANY on this list? Pearl Harbor! NEVER FORGET!!!

  • Chichikovovich

    I have a feeling it took some creative bookkeeping to get the number down to $687 billion. Maybe: VA doesn't count, veterans pensions don't count,… Not sure exactly what the precise hidden costs were, but I'm sure there were a lot of them.

    • flamingpdog

      A bunch of "military" stuff gets hidden in the CIA and NSA budgets, too, also.

      • Crank_Tango

        Oh I am sure that is all harmless stuff like a giant laser you can make popcorn with.

        • HistoriCat

          You would have to be some kinda genius to make something like that.

          • Crank_Tango

            Really!

        • ShaveTheWhales

          ON THE MOON!!!!

          • MoeDeLawn

            in your pants!

      • Loaded_Pants

        Pentagon, too. Don't forget those expensive toilets & hammers.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Our #1 enemy is warmongering Canada. We need to invade Canada, kill its leaders and convert them back to the English system.

    Our #2 enemy is the fricking script running on this page that keeps sending my browser window back to bejesus every time I enter a fucking comment.

  • Chichikovovich

    What? Nobody picked "Loss of Essence", or "Threats to precious bodily fluids"? Was there a huge Tea Party convention out of communications range when this poll was taken?

    • C_R_Eature

      It's Fluoridation. That's the problem. That's always been the problem.

      • Loaded_Pants

        More like the Floridation of our country.

        • C_R_Eature

          Fluoridation. Working to Sap and Impurify your precious Bodily Fluids since 1952!

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            Not to mention the alien reptile that's been planted in Hopey's head.

          • Ruhe

            True story: While waiting for a haircut once in Chicago the old guy in the chair ahead of me was ranting that we had no idea what might have happened to Clinton (this was '94) while he was over in Russia as a student. "They coulda planted one of them chip things in his head." "Yup" was the old barber's sage reply.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            I love theories like that.I once overheard a rider on a bus in Pittsburgh pontificate to a group that had boarded at the homeless shelter.She was patiently explaining to them (and they were listening) that George Bush was merely a puppet president, it was actually the all-knowing person she referred to as “Bald Ari” who was running the country.”Bald Ari knows everything.You listen to him when he talks on TV,” she admonished.I've often wondered how she coped when Fleischer (aka The Great and Powerful Oz) resigned.

    • poncho_pilot

      American Idol must have been on.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Dial the dang phone!
        (and vote for pretty one who sings "Sweet Home Alabama")

    • Goonemeritus

      The only answer is to stock a bunker for a decade or two and populate it with a favorable man to women ratio. Eventually it will all blow over and we can reemerge spent but secure.

      • C_R_Eature
      • Chichikovovich

        This "favorable male-female ratio" you're speaking of. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so-called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?

        • C_R_Eature

          Can't be helped. Sacrifices must be made. We're talking about the survival of the race, man!

      • Loaded_Pants

        What about male to male ratio? I prefer 2 to 1. Or 2 on 1 or 1 on 2, as it were.

    • Ultra_C

      Personnally, I tried to pick Planned Parenthood (after all, they've killed tens of millions of Americans), but it wasn't on the list. so instead I picked the most anti-woman, anti-homosexual, anti-secular humanist, anti-atheist country in world history (Iran).

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    America's true enemy is all foreigners living abroad. Also all foreigners living here.

    • ttommyunger

      …and foreigners, too, also, as well as, altogether.

      • Beowoof

        Also, too.

        • tessiee

          T

        • ttommyunger

          and…

    • HogeyeGrex

      Some of them foreign broads are pretty hot, though.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    The greatest enemy we have, after diabetes, is the Slant Eyed Vegetable Prop Monster, whose name automatically deletes comments. First Amendment libel!!!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Forget diabetes. Paula Deen cooked up a cure for that.

      • Loaded_Pants

        It was still smothered in butter.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Petrol demand may be low in the United States but we are using record amounts of gasoline.

  • paris biltong

    France isn't listed. Pussies.

  • rocktonsam

    I'll wait until The Onion tells me who I am to fear the most.

  • poncho_pilot

    whatever, America. you go to war with the exaggeratedly threatening foreign countries you have–not the exaggeratedly threatening foreign countries you might want or wish to have at a later time.

    pace yourself–save those countries for the second term.

    • chascates

      By the end of President Gingrich's second term, he will have defeated Togo, Luxemburg, and Greenland.

      • poncho_pilot

        events from one of his alternate history novels?

      • Chichikovovich

        And as a result of the elimination of corporate, capitol gains and estate taxes, the elimination of taxes on all income above $200,000 along with quintupled military spending, the country experienced a complete financial collapse and was bought in a hostile takeover by a partnership of the Cayman Islands, Switzerland and Monaco.

      • flamingpdog

        Well, it'll be about time we defeat Greenland! According to the most reliable reference after Wikipedia – Uncle John's Bathroom Reader – the US offered Denmark 100 million dollars for Greenland right after World War II, but the Danes never answered.

  • C_R_Eature

    America's True Enemy are all those Foreigners. The ones that came here 300+ years ago.

    They ate all the Passenger Pigeons, dammit!

    • RadioSBJ

      I was never a foreigner fan either.

    • Negropolis

      They also killed all the buffalo, the bastards.

      • C_R_Eature

        And cut down all the forests. Hey, what haven't they fucked up?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Moon Nazis people! Moon Nazis!!!!1!!

  • C_R_Eature

    What about the Alien Brain Reptiles? Huh?

    Why doesn't anyone listen? Where's my Colander Helmet?!

  • chascates

    Maybe the battle over birth control should be fought in other countries, since they're reproducing faster than we can kill them off.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Greatest enemies ain't what they used to be.

    • Harry_S_Truman

      Hey, sometimes you have to go to war with the greatest enemies you have, not the greatest enemies you wish you had.

    • SorosBot

      The Soviet Union, now that was an enemy; they had the ability to completely blow us up. Nazi Germany took over almost all of Europe. And then there was the Confederacy, and the British Empire was the mightiest in the world at the time. Now we're supposed to shit our pants at a tiny Middle Eastern nation that has no capability to actually harm us? I think not.

      • Crank_Tango

        But but but, if they had a nuke, they could maybe, I dunno ship it to us fedex or something?

        • flamingpdog

          They could float it over on a blimp, just to show up Ron Paul.

        • tessiee

          "they could maybe, I dunno ship it to us fedex"

          The only funny thing P.J. O'Rourke ever wrote was about the time he was walking home at night and almost got mugged — except the guy was across the street:
          Would be Mugger: Come over here and give me all your money!
          PJ: No! *keeps walking*

      • Blueb4sunrise

        sighhhhhhhhhhh

  • poorgradstudent

    Also if we're still naming Iraq and Japan, where's Germany or Mexico or the Barbary Coast?

    • arihaya

      or Prussia !

      and don't forget the Ottoman Empire !

    • unclejeems

      And Spain. Remember the Maine.

    • Negropolis

      Remember the Alamo! Nevah forget!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Grenada. We need to reinvade Grenada.

      Besides, we haven't lost a war to Grenada in, oh, a thousand years, give-or-take 900 or so.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I would have said Texas.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    The Cavity Creeps

    • CapnFatback

      "We make holes in the danged fence!"

  • ttommyunger

    I would have to say Calista's cankles as number one; have you seen those suckers? She makes Hilary look like Jennifer Fucking Lopez, fer Chrissakes.

  • fuflans

    Are you really allowed to name China as your “top enemy” when the cell phone you used to take the pollster’s call was built there?)

    ahem. people who take these surveys answer a landline phone.

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      Gallup calls cell phones too.

    • fuflans

      well yes, but only the wingtards answer.

    • unclejeems

      Yes, but everything they're wearing at time, driving, or listening to was also made in China. People would have to go naked, walk, and sing their own songs if they really wanted to get rid of Chinese goods.

      Of course walking out naked in public while singing "Hotel California" would have its own set of diversions.

      • tessiee

        I personally think that anybody, clothed or naked, in public or in private, who sings "Hotel California" should be subject to a horrible punishment including, but not limited to, being locked up in an empty room (i.e., with nothing to make earplugs out of) while "Hotel California" plays on a repeating loop.

    • Biff

      Also made in China.

  • Harry_S_Truman

    I heard this straight from no less an expert than Newt Gingrich (and he's really smart); our biggest enemy is our own president. Can you even believe it?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Well, he just locked in my vote. Unless I see a shiny object between now and November.

    • Chichikovovich

      It is an excellent message, except that it's 11 years too late.

  • anniegetyerfun

    (Are you really allowed to name China as your “top enemy” when the cell phone you used to take the pollster’s call was built there?)

    Uh, yeah, since our cell phones are giving us all brain cancer.

  • fuflans

    sheriff babeau would have gone with mexico.

    • MadBrahms

      Pretty sure he already did, zing!

      • Negropolis

        He went south of the border, and then some. **rimshot**

        • horsedreamer_1

          South of the border, down Mexi-anal way.

          • HogeyeGrex

            Mexi-colon way, innit?

        • bagofmice

          It certainly wasn't "taco-style".

  • SorosBot

    We have nothing to fear but – well nothing actually; there are no foreign enemies that pose a credible threat to the United States, not when we're spending more on our military than the entire rest of the world combined.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

      To be fair, if dollars spent necessarily translated into value created, Americans would also be the healthiest people in the world, too.

    • BigDumbRedDog

      The moon nazis aren't on our world! Wake up sheeple!

      • SorosBot

        Yes, we need the biggest military in history for when the moon Nazis attack; and also to prepare for the Dalek invasion of Earth in 2164!

        • BigDumbRedDog

          Don't even get me started on the Borg and the Cylons! Deceptacons also, too!

  • new_pic_for_NEWTer

    Hah, and so Canadiana will steal all of your essences and such like, while you are looking the other way – if you don't mind, eh?

    • RadioSBJ

      Defend the Northern Border!!1!

    • Negropolis

      We have not fogotten the War of 1812 here in Michigan, I tell you what.

      Damned Upper Canadians, the whole damned lot of them.

      • Chichikovovich

        Since your armed hostilities with Ohio are much more recent, I'd be casting some worried glances southward. And Wisconsin has always been a bit pissed off about the whole "losing the UP" thing.

        [For non-Michiganders: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toledo_War ]

  • arihaya

    " .. U.S. ally Israel, "

    hhahahs ahahaha,…. yeah because when US hunted Bin Laden in Afghanistan, or deposing Saddam in Iraq, or bombing Gadhafi in Libya, Israel totally send their best trained troops to fight in the front line with US Army

    • Loaded_Pants

      All that investment in Israel & what do we get, right?

      • mayor_quimby

        A good, steady arms customer?

  • SorosBot

    Of all the world's countries, the one that most threatens the United States is that horrible Red Sox Nation.

    • mayor_quimby

      Somebody needs to push those miserable, horribly accented fucks back into the Atlantic once and for all.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Now you're getting personal, son. The Red Sox Nation is all that stands between us and a takeover by those weird Newfoundlanders. Newfies belong on the list of enemies and thank Jeebus for the Red Soxers!

  • flamingpdog

    And 11 percent believe No Opinion is our top global enemy. Do they have nucular weapons or is that So Opinion?

    • C_R_Eature

      I'm glad you spelled nucular right. This whole "Nuclear" thing is starting to piss me off.

      • bagofmice

        He just needs to take some yoga, and become more centered.

    • Loaded_Pants

      And where does Freedonia rank…..hmmm?

      • bagofmice

        Somewhere in hail.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Meanwhile, in a secluded swamp, the Legion of Doom plots their latest scheme to defeat…the Superfriends…
    </announcer voice>

  • fuflans

    this is totally off topic, but i hope barry is prepared for a positive horde of suitors.

    http://surisburnbook.tumblr.com/post/17946457613/

    • C_R_Eature

      Three words:

      Seal Team Six.

      • flamingpdog

        Or mebbe Soul Team Six.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Especially those who like their gals tall.

    • flamingpdog

      Not to worry, she'll be coming out of the closet in another five years.

      I don't mean the lesbionic-type come out of the closet, I mean that's when Barry will let her out.

    • tessiee

      The suitors need to worry about Michelle, not Barry.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Oh man, is that girl going to break some hearts in a few years.

  • GregComlish

    Oh Come on. The only reason people put down "The United States" is the biggest threat to the US is because they asked a bunch of Republicans and Gallup wouldn't let them put down "Obama".

    • flamingpdog

      Nah, 3 percent said the "Other". Isn't that what they call him?

  • C_R_Eature

    Kirsten:

    When may we expect delivery of our Sampler bags of Drugs, Alcohol and Chocolate-Covered Dildos?

    Sincerely yours,

    The Wonkette Commentariat Weekend Staff

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Trucknutz?

      • C_R_Eature

        I don't believe TruckNutz were included in the original Incentive Agreement for the 2000+ weekend post. If a pair should happen to end up in my bag (heh, heh) however, I wouldn't mind.

    • flamingpdog

      I know what Kirsten was doing this weekend while everybody at the Wonkette was on vacation, but I forgot to link to the pictures on Tumblr and now I can't find them. I know it was her because she had on a name tag that said, "Hello, my name is Kirsten". And nothing else.

      • C_R_Eature

        Ooo, Do tell!

      • Loaded_Pants

        Where was the name tag placed exactly?

        • flamingpdog

          On her left enlarged modified sweat gland. And it was painted on.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    johnnyzhivago was right upthread:

    Our #1 enemy is warmongering Canada. We need to invade Canada, kill its leaders and convert them back to the English system.

    Canada threatens… war with EU over tar sands
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2012/feb/20

    • Loaded_Pants

      What's Canada so pissed about? No one wants sand in their oil to begin with.

    • MadBrahms

      On the upside, Stephen Harper and his Conservative Party sure have shut up those smug Canadians who used to mock us for our poor choice in leadership!

      • Chichikovovich

        Well, to be honest I haven't been in a big hurry to do that since the Mulroney régime. But at least Mulroney was awful in the way Canadian politicians often can be – fluent in the language of corruption in both French and English, tireless appointer of incompetent cronies to important jobs (that would then be done by the senior civil servant charged to keep the chaos from spreading), horrible judge of character of nominal chums (brought Lucien Bouchard into government and then looked on slack-jawed as Bouchard left his party and formed the separatist Bloc Québecois.), etc.

        Harper is awful in a different way – not incompetent or corrupt so much as relentlessly focused on destructive goals. Sort of a Bush lite, without a trillion-dollar army.

    • SorosBot

      Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
      With all their beady little eyes
      And flapping heads so full of lies!
      Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
      We need to form a full assault,
      It's Canada's fault!

    • flamingpdog

      Johnny Weismueller was the best Tarsands ever, although Ron Ely was kind of hunky, too.

      • tessiee

        Buster Crabbe libel!!

        • Nostrildamus

          Didn't he perish in the Room of Requirement fire?

    • Negropolis

      Really, Canada, you need an intervention. We need to get your off the (Keystone XL) pipe.

      More seriously, I've been very disappointed in how myopic Canada can be with its natural resources. I can't tell you how many so-called liberal Canadians I've had discussions with that get pissed when they hear people refer to the sands as "tar sands" as if it's any better if you call them oil sands. It's still one of the most environmentally destructive ways to produce energy the world has ever seen.

      • Biff

        I know! Why hasn't Los Angeles mounted a campaign to rename the La Brea Tar Oil Pits?

  • Beowoof

    I know, I know, the guy in the picture is America's worst global enemy.

  • MadBrahms

    Oh, we make fun, but just wait until the Chinese People's Liberation Army rolls in on their bicycles, with their yellow shirts and their gong sound effects. See who's laughing then.

    • C_R_Eature

      As long as they don't try to take our Guns, I'm cool with it.

    • flamingpdog

      I for one will welcome our Chinese People's Liberation Army overlords if they will loot all the Chinese crap from all the WalMarts and take it home with them as their booty.

      • Loaded_Pants

        I don't see them having much use for such apparel as t-shirts like this: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Men-s-Combat-Sam-Short-

        • flamingpdog

          They can donate them to their brothers the North Koreans and watch them drool. (Bad pdog, baaaad.)

  • tessiee

    With all the enemies America has, how can we determine which is the worst?
    If only one group were darker-skinned, or something.

    • Chichikovovich

      Or chose distinctive headgear.

  • tessiee

    Iran is our worst enemy?
    So, that means it's 1979 and Raygun and his followers haven't totally trashed the economy?

    • MadBrahms

      I move that anyone who advocates war with Iran must identify and properly pronounce the names of both the Supreme Leader and President before voting or making any policy suggestions.

      The same goes for China. Anyone who answers "Fu Manchu" is to be permanently exiled to Canada, forced to slave away in the poutine mines of Nunavut.

      • tessiee

        Well, call me an old fussbudget, but I've always been mildly annoyed by people who think "Ayatollah Khomeini" is a person's name.
        "Ayatollah" is the title of a government ruler.
        "Khomeini" is a geographical grouping.
        Therefore, the Ayatolla Khomeni is the Ayatolla of Khomein, just like the Texan Governor is the Governor of Texas.
        The person who was notorious as the "Ayatollah Khomeini" in the 70s was actually named Ruholla Hendi.

        • Chichikovovich

          Huh. I didn't know that. Thanks – that's quality "avoid looking stupid in the future" information right there.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          I'd join your crusade, tessiee, but I wore myself out explaining that there was no such person as Princess Diana.

      • Negropolis

        The same goes for China. Anyone who answers "Fu Manchu" is to be permanently exiled to Canada, forced to slave away in the poutine mines of Nunavut.

        The poutine mines of Nunavut?! That would surely make you history's greatest monster. A poutine gulag is both cruel and unusual.

  • JackDempsey1

    The answer is Mexico.
    They keep on sending in operatives to do our chores in order to erase our collective memories of routine household tasks. There isn't an American living who has more than a hazy understanding of how to mow a lawn or fold a bedsheet. We're heading over the cliff in an unwashed Chevy.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Cat spit.

  • not that Dewey

    I hate to ask such an obvious, naive question, but do we really need a Greatest Enemy? Does there have to be one? This is one of those "when did you stop beating your wife" questions, isn't it?

    • flamingpdog

      Soooooo, ntD, when exactly did you stop beating your wife?

      • bagofmice

        I think it was a Tuesday…

    • C_R_Eature

      Well, we need one for the Distraction, obviously. That is precisely why we have always been at war with Eastasia.

  • flamingpdog

    So who do you consider to be the United States' greatest enema today?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Janine Lindemuller?

    • Negropolis

      Marshal "Enema Man" Mathers III?

  • Negropolis

    You mean to tell me that a central Asian nation with a (real) unemployment rate upwards of 20-30% and a per capita GDP ranked around the 100th in the world is our greatest threat? Really, America? For reals, America?

    Really, I'm tired of this theater, and shame on our leaders, Democrats and Republicans, alike, that keep cynically deceiving us. They think we're that stupid…and they're probably right.

    • Chichikovovich

      Totally. Don't they know that our true biggest threat is a Caribbean island with a basket case economy, and a land area smaller than most US states, upon which we've established a military base that they are powerless to do anything about?

      • Negropolis

        The Cuban issue just blows my mind. Every country has their odd boogey men arch enemies – I mean, the whole Falkland thing looks pretty silly for both sides from an American perspective – but the reflexiveness toward Cuba is something else to behold. Vietnam was another one that looked like bad news from the very beginning, but looks absolutely horrible and astounding in its pettiness and unnecessity in hindsight.

        • Chichikovovich

          Yes indeed. Among the many things that are staggering in retrospect is the fact {now, of course, down the memory hole} that the U.S. gave substantial financial and other support to Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge for no other reason, apparently, than that they were opposed to the Vietnamese.Though I'm in no way a fan of Maggie T, I've always had a soft spot for her aggressive military response in the Falklands, since theembarrassing thrashing delivered to Argentina led directly to the downfall of the blood-soaked Junta (beloved by Jeanne Kirkpatrick) that had run the Dirty War.—

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        ?? Cuba isn't on that list.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Iran's GDP = Maryland's GDP.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Heart Disease.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Exercise.

    • Biff

      I would have guessed diabeetus.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Not eating a good Breakfast.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Fiber.

  • Negropolis

    BTW, where is Kenya listed on this list? I'd have guessed it have been at least second, along with the nation of Hawaii and the socialist city-state of Chicago.

  • C_R_Eature

    Robots. Stealing our Senior Citizens medicine.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      A true threat. Look for it re-run as an attack ad come October.

      • C_R_Eature

        I know it keeps me up at night.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Based on the movie trailers I saw on Saturday, I'm going with either Cobra or weird undersea robots that can shoot explosive Selectric typewriter wheels thousands of miles at our cities and military bases.

    • flamingpdog

      Oooo, those puppies hurt when they get stuck and you end up popping them off into your face! Can't imagine what they'd be like being fired thousands of miles.

      Fortunately for my face, the office's last Selectric died about a year and a half ago.

      • SorosBot

        What's a "type writer", old people?

    • bagofmice

      You sunk my battle-writer! Now how am I going to warblog?

  • Negropolis

    Come on, you guys. As you know, you go to war with the enemy you have, not the enemy you might want or wish to have at a later time.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Once again, everyone ignores the true menace that is Canada.

    • flamingpdog

      I'm more afraid of Alaska. Maybe we could trade it to Denmark for Greenland and a case of beer to be named later.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Steve King told me our worst enemy is those damn curly cue light bulbs!

  • mayor_quimby

    Rick Froth is seriously untethered from facts when he's in front of a friendly audience – he knows how to stoke a sub-surface fear within his people so that when they hear anything remotely related they jump to the worst, craziest conclusion. It's very related to evangelical faith, you have to be prepared to receive the word, so to speak. When you hear that little dog whistle it confirms everything you have been told, and magnifies it.

  • C_R_Eature

    Zebra mussels.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Wonder Pets.

    • not that Dewey

      They're not so tough.

  • C_R_Eature

    Phragmites

  • littlebigdaddy

    Obviously, our greatest enemy is Canada! Who else mocks us by having prosperity and universal health care coverage. And by inflicting hockey on us, when we have perfectly good sports of our own.

  • C_R_Eature

    Triffids

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      The Birds.

  • tessiee

    What the hell, "gas station wine" didn't even make the list?

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Freedonia didn't make the list again? They'll be so disappointed.

  • flamingpdog

    Mighty Morphine Power Arrangers.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Oh, so you know Jerry.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Tim Tebow.

  • elburritodeluxe

    We spend billions rebuilding Afghanistan and trying to wring out Taliban fighters there and 7% think were doing it because they're our enemy?

  • DocChaos

    Duh!
    Its obviously Indonesia. They have more Mooslims than any other nation.

    • ElPinche

      Let us spare those mooslims for their yummy Satay and Bakso.

  • Beetagger

    All of them, Katie.

  • Steverino247

    The Raider Nation needs to be eliminated and that's a fact.

    • proudgrampa

      Hear, hear!

    • tessiee

      Paul Revere libel!

  • ElPinche

    Like it or not, Barry Sotero will win in 2012 because the Cthulu Lizard Deity wants it that way. (check your Monster manuals or Fiend Folios on that one)
    In 2013, there will be War: America versus the Obama alien reptile. The worse part is that we'll have to go through Biden first. Who knows what those hairplugs really are.

    • RadioSBJ

      Jill, baby, Jill.

    • bagofmice

      I'm somewhat wary of my fiendfolio after it got Santorum on it.

  • RadioSBJ

    Santorum/Bolton '12

    • tessiee

      That works with either John OR Michael.

  • C_R_Eature

    Trolls

    (No, not Brietbart trolls – they're just assholes. the ones under the bridges. I'm running out of goats!)

  • Smithboy

    There is a constant drumbeat for war presented by supporters of Israel here in the US and no opposing views are allowed. If you watch network news or the political sunday morning programs you will never hear an invited guest say…Iran has no nuclear weapons programs. Iran is a member of the AEIA…Israel is not.

    Write the white house and tell Obama to stand tall against Netanyahu and his henchment here in our own country.
    http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/submit-question

    • finallyhappy

      henchment?

    • Negropolis

      You were doing so well, too, until the end, bless your heart.

  • Chichikovovich

    With all this attention to Iran, everyone has forgotten The Duchy of Grand Fenwick.

    Which is when they are the most dangerous.

    • Biff

      Rawr!

  • paris biltong

    Greece. Greece is bringing down the whole financial house of cards and must be dealt with swiftly and mercilessly. Send the Marines!

    • Negropolis

      Much like the Arab League and UN invitation to the party in Libya, we're only going into Greece if the EU and UN requests it. lol

    • Dashboard Shmoo

      Not a bad idea, actually. US Military bases typically hire locals to do the scut work. Jerbs!

      Plus, Marines spend money like drunken sailors. Boostin' the economy!

  • Negropolis

    OT: Just watching Morning Joe (I like it as a guilty pleasure in a bad car wreck kind of way), and they have that vile-assed Franklin Graham on playing the really "I don't know if Obama is a Chrisitian, you have to ask him" bullshit. Usually, this panel is a pro at tolerating this vileness, consummate villagers and bullshitters, themselves. This time, to my surprise, the entire panel calls BS on every shitty talking point he throws out. He goes on about how Mitt Romney's not a Christian, that Newt is a serial adulterer…but, somehow, theologically, both are better candidates than the Christian Obama. You should have saw them call his ass out, and how dumbfounded they were. They had Alex Wagner, Willie, John Heileman and Mike Barnacle on. It was a thing of strange beauty. You never see this kind of candidness on that show, or most cable news.

    It gave me some hope that maybe, just maybe, the beltway ass-kissers will do their job, this time, and just totally start calling the other sides' lies, for once. Who knows. I'm not holding my breath.

    • Limeylizzie

      I watched that and the Twitter is all over it , I think they were good on MJ because Joe and Mika were absent and it became a watchable show.

      • Negropolis

        Yeah, it does seem to be better when they are absent, which is ironic given the fact that they are given star billing. Joe's a bully, and Mika is, well…I don't quite know what she is when she's around Joe, but it's a very odd (and very annoying) character she plays.

        • Limeylizzie

          I have started to watch Soledad's show on CNN and if I flip between that and MJ I find myself not quite so angry .

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Mika Milquetoast is a willing collaborator in Joe's insufferableness. I've seen articles that try to drum up sympathy about how he is "oppressing" her, but I suspect she could easily get another gig if she wanted.

    • chascates

      I've wondered if Franklin is such a prick because the Graham brand is fading and he wants more publicity. Plus once Dad takes the Stairway to Heaven Frankie won't want to live in his shadow.

      The fact that he's an outrider for Sarah Palin shows his lack of long-term career planning.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Kudos to you for watching that shit! My blood pressure can only take local news, ESPN and Comcast Sportsnet in the morning anymore.

    • Smithboy

      my wife and I were cheering as they nailed Graham for setting the bar so high for Obama but not for serial divorce sex addict Newt Gingrch, Santorum and Mitt.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Those fucking wimps wouldn't have opened their mouths if Joe had been there.

    • tessiee

      "This time, to my surprise, the entire panel calls BS on every shitty talking point he throws out. …. It was a thing of strange beauty. You never see this kind of candidness on that show, or most cable news. … It gave me some hope that maybe, just maybe, the beltway ass-kissers will do their job, this time, and just totally start calling the other sides' lies, for once."

      We have St. Ronnie to thank for *that*, too. It got exponentially worse after 9/11 somehow magically made Bush not a moron, but Raygun was the first to promote the meme that it was bad form for journalists to ask questions.

  • sewollef

    Underneath that sober/boring suit he always wears, is an ever so cute little leather Bavarian outfit, complete with studs and diamonds.

    One day he's gonna get hisself caught in Minneapolis airport restrooms, I'm telling ya.

  • mermera

    Lt. Prince in its jet flyin' suit and Sick Rantorum with the white pointy hat. The collective poster ids for evil.

  • SolitaireRose

    Can we really have forgotten our Cylon enemies already? WHY DON'T SCHOOLS TEACH HISTORY!!??!!

  • Negropolis

    OT: Oh, boy:

    Former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been detained for questioning by French police investigating a prostitution ring.

    Mr Strauss-Kahn, once a front-runner for the French presidency, could be held for 48 hours at a police station in Lille, northern France.

    Investigators have already questioned a number of prostitutes who have admitted having sex with Mr Strauss-Kahn.

    He insists he did not know that the women were prostitutes.

    "I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other naked woman," his lawyer Henri Leclerc has told French television.

    Stay klassy, DSK. Apparently, the legal problem in this particular case isn't buying prostitutes, rather, that he bought them with company funds and bought them from a ring.

    • Chichikovovich

      "I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other naked woman,"

      I know! I know! Teacher, pick me, pick me!

      The (presumably well-compensated) naked prostitutes are the ones who are willing to have sex with that flabby old rapist goat.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Only ultrasound can tell them apart!

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      As Joaquin Sabina would say: "la más señora de todas la putas, la más puta de todas las señoras".

  • LiveToServeYa

    "To our friends, the Good Guys,
    and to our enemies, the Bad Guys,
    and to the hope that one day we'll be able to tell one from the other."
    – Toast from Keith Laumer novel

    • tessiee

      "No one likes us, I don't know why
      We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
      But all around, even our old friends put us down
      Let's drop the big one and see what happens"

      — Randy Newman, "Let's Drop the Big One Now"

  • elburritodeluxe

    Where is Mordor?

  • WiscDad

    How can Afghanistan even be on the list? What are they going to do…throw rocks at us.

    • ElPinche

      Heh..yeah, we haven't had a chance to fully arm them yet.

    • chascates

      No rocks, just suck out money, blood, and public discourse for the next 5 years.

      7th Century for the win!

  • chascates

    1. Climate Change
    2. Religious Fanatics
    3. Loose Women Who Turn Me Down

  • DaRooster

    “People are properly puzzled by the fact that we’re using less gas than we have in years, yet we’re paying more.”

    Duh…

  • thebeatgoeson

    Best alt-text ever! ('Cause it's true…)

  • Ruhe

    Acknowledging that your own nation is the greatest threat to world security in the world is the "record net long position" of all net long positions, no?

    • prommie

      Is that like betting against yourself in a boxing match?

  • prommie

    The single greatest threat to this nation today is the fact that Tom Hanks is still making movies. When he isn't hosting benefit events to commemorate the D-Day Astronauts.

    • ElPinche

      Last good one , as I recall, was Bachelor Party

      • prommie

        Some movies are "bad" in the sense that they are not good, they fail to achieve goodness. Tom Hanks' movies are "bad" not because they are "not good," they are "bad" in the sense that they are intrinsically morally evil, a force for darkness and death and pain and pestilence in the world. They are the antithesis of "good," and thus its mortal enemy, and their existence is an excruciating insult to good people everywhere.

        • ElPinche

          "You've Got Mail" comes to mind.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Bad manners. One shouldn't bomb people during tea time. Just not done old boy.

  • VinnyThePooh

    WalMart should top that list.

  • BlueStateLibel

    So what's with our Wonkette overlords? 11:20 EST and still no new snark? "They" haven't started flying drones in the U.S. already, have they?

  • proudgrampa

    I don't know who our worst enemy is, but I sure wish that the US would stop working so hard to make more.

  • ttommyunger

    Nice pix of 'Merika's Number One Enema, you betcha!

  • ChrisM2011

    China's #2? Why do you hate Walmart so much, America?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

  • Ultra_C

    "the nation that Americans should really fear most is, ha ha, their own"

    I agree, but you forgot to add that the US government has murdered over 40 million children right here in America! How can we call ourselves "civilized" and pay rich white men millions of dollars to suck the brains out of unborn children?

    Thanks, Kirsten, for recognizing that the American Holocaust is real.

  • Negropolis

    But, but sharing is caring. Providing them for others is quintessentially socialist. Man, Sarkozy fucked up France more than I thought. What is this world coming to when you can't share prostitutes in France?! Won't someone think of the scumbag millionaries?!

  • Chichikovovich

    Could be him.
    I heard he's on the loose.

  • flamingpdog

    When I clicked on the linkie, the pop-up ad at the bottom of the video was "President Santorum?"

  • RadioSBJ

    Hey Pinche, how can you question Apple? Don't you know that Obama hates Apple? They are the most capitalized company in the world, and he's a Marxist. At least that's what Russ says. And Limbnuts should know, they won't sponsor the fat fuckface.
    And, also too, your new description is right on. Waht is the deal with those trolls visiting our profiles?? Feeble intimidation, OCD or just flat out psychopaths? Or all of them Katie?

  • Steverino247

    You guys need to go see ZPZ if the show gets anywhere near you. Just great what Dweezil's doing out there.

  • ElPinche

    well im sure one day we'll all be watching in horror on our fancy capitalistic ipads a corporate sponsored youtube video of limpnuts choking on a taco bell chimichanga or something on that god forsaken walmart-bought webcam.

    all of the katie on that last one. yeah, those breitbart fellas need to get out more or something.
    tonight, i have lost the will to use the shift key.

  • C_R_Eature

    Twice! Awesome both times.