A ZYGOTE IS A ZYGOTE IS A ZYGOTE  2:25 pm February 17, 2012

Zygotes Close to Becoming Microscopic People in the Eyes of Oklahoma

by Liz Colville

a/s/l?

Oklahoma’s obtuse personhood law made it through the state Senate on Thursday by a margin of 34 imbeciles to 8 brains, and will now go to the House, where there are even more “interior person”-loving junkies than in the Senate. This means that, yes, fertilized eggs shall have “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.” So get ready to give your zygotes your old car, hundreds of thousands of dollars in school tuition, and don’t be surprised if their profiles shows up on eHarmony. The bill’s backer, Sen. Brian Crain, clearly doesn’t actually even understand the text of what he put forth, saying that it won’t actually limit contraception access or other things involving contact with zygotes, when actually it will, hugely, you stupid guy, because if a zygote is a person, anyone using the morning-after pill, or performing in vitro fertilization, or doing stem cell research, can be considered a, well, murderer. Great!

This festering wound of an idea will likely get written into law because Oklahoma’s Republican governor, Mary Fallin, “signed every anti-abortion bill sent to her last year.”

Sadly, the bill no longer includes that witty Democrat-penned thing about every sperm being sacred, and then Personhood USA released this gross video commemorating yesterday’s decision in which some asshats ask stupid questions like WHO IS A PERSON? when we already know the “answer” to that: DAMN NEAR EVERY HUMANESQUE THING including flakes of skin and strands of hair.

[Reuters]

 

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{ 316 comments }

Barb February 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Only a man could come up with this sort of bullshit. How about if we make it so that any man who masturbates is a serial killer?

actor212 February 17, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Wow. Damn, um….*blush*

Well, let me just say, you know who else was a serial killer?

nounverb911 February 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Rush Limbaugh?

YasserArraFeck February 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

gotta be able to find it before you can tug on it

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Ewwwww.

EatsBabyDingos February 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Cap'n Crunch: They gave him Life. Cited the legal precedent of Quisp v. Quake.

poncho_pilot February 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

David Byrne?

zygote killer…
qu'est-ce que c'est.

BarryOPotter February 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

OK, now this is the appropriate response!

*Ahem* All of them, Katie

Callyson February 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm
poncho_pilot February 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

even worse than a serial killer! millions! billions! every man would be Hitler^X! let's do it.

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Yup. Masturbation is worse than the holocaust.

poncho_pilot February 18, 2012 at 3:58 am

but what if you masturbate to images of the holocaust? what does that make someone? besides Pat Buchanan that is.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 17, 2012 at 5:37 pm

SPERMURDERER!!!

poncho_pilot February 18, 2012 at 3:57 am

Spermurderer is my favorite professional wrestler.

prommie February 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

What about all those women holding those young people hostage for 9 months, huh? Thats kidnapping and false imprisonment.

Crank_Tango February 17, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I just had my testicles incorporated, thus making my sperms subsidiaries, and therefore, be it resolved…oh shit.

Well, jizz is speech, at any rate.

poncho_pilot February 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm

hope your charter is in Delaware because then you're home free.

also, if speech equals money and speech equals jizz then jizz equals money. Sperm Banks will now be referred to as just Banks.

Crank_Tango February 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Seyman Islands, is that good?

Also, time is money, so if you have too much time on your hands, does that mean they are very sticky, or you're rich? This shit is confuseding.

actor212 February 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Sperm are people too, my friend!

DaRooster February 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

… as well as whales.

emmelemm February 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I'm imagining a man jizzing and writing a word on the floor at the same time (like peeing in the snow and writing your name).

That would take seriously talent.

Crank_Tango February 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

And a lot of jizz!I think the best statement I can make with my semen is “shoulda kept yer legs closed, dollface.”Too soon?Sent from my iPhone

emmelemm February 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

"a lot of jizz"

Well, yes. In theory, one might be able to manage one's initial.

Swampgas_Man February 17, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I have it on good authority (John Oliver) that in the early days of the O.S.S., sperm was used as an "invisible ink."

widestanceromance February 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I make it a point to never ever climax, so I'm still OK.

Radiotherapy February 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Well then, I am one badass motherfucker serial killer. I'd make John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer look like cub scouts.

Indiepalin February 17, 2012 at 3:11 pm

What about a guy who jerks off into a box of cereal? What do we call him?

actor212 February 17, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Interesting?

DaRooster February 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

A Froster… "They're GRRREAAT!!"

CommieLibunatic February 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Your next GOP representative?

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

But if an embryo is a person, can't a pregnant woman evict one for failing to pay rent?

HateMachine February 17, 2012 at 5:02 pm

And there's no right to a free lunch, either. Get these mooching zygotes off the umbilical cord already.

JustPixelz February 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Whenever these anti-abortion bills come up, they're basically written and supported by male legislators. Women tend to vote against. Maybe that's because Repubicans are mostly men and so forth. But there's something unsavory about a bunch of old, white men concocting these crazed notions.

Abortion is legal in Italy. In Italy for God's sake. They don't have this insanity. They don't shoot abortion providers and harass young women who are coping with a sad moment in their lives. They don't erect the Cult of the Fetus to justify their obsession with sex.

And these hypocrites almost always support the death penalty. They support bombing Iran — killing unpredictable numbers of civilians in "collateral" damage. They want to cut WIC and food stamps and day care and a hundred other things that help families absorb the impact of raising a child.

In this latest incarnation, a woman with a life-threatening pregnancy will be left to die. Because no medical provider will perform the 15 minute procedure out of fear of being charged with murder.

I hate their deadly holier-than-thou condescension.

HateMachine February 17, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I hate to break it to you, but the abortion-in-Italy argument is not gonna hunt in most circles, because most Americans are too dumb to make the connection between Italy and Catholicism. Your point is well made, though.

GOPCrusher February 17, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Besides, Italy is filled with those filthy fetus-killing, socialist, Europeans. This here is America!

HateMachine February 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Twenty-year-olds need to start arguing that they are now permitted to drink, because if life begins at conception, they are technically nine months older than their birthdays allege.

snoopyfan2010 February 18, 2012 at 9:52 am

Just ask the Pope. They already are.

nounverb911 February 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Now zygotes can vote these bastards out of office.

actor212 February 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

And get married to each other, and call it "pair bonding"

MinAgain February 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Redistricting is going to be a bitch.

EatsBabyDingos February 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Zygote of my Dreams
Won't you marry me today?
La la la la la la

MrFizzy February 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Which is more human, your average zygote or a republican?

nounverb911 February 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Is that a trick question?

MrFizzy February 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm

After I wrote it I realized that it was. Shit.

iburl February 17, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I'd say the zygote, because every person was once a zygote, but not every person was once an asshole.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

"not every person was once an asshole"

*remembers self during teenage years and early 20s*
Um, sure… why not?
*whistles nonchalantly*

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Well small children who have not hit the teenage years have yet to become assholes at least.

MrFizzy February 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

True, except that Santorum's jar fetus was probably an asshole.

HistoriCat February 17, 2012 at 5:28 pm

You've obviously never had children.

LagunaB February 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Repubs are just walking bags of water. And the zygote is not there yet. But there is still hope.

user-of-owls February 17, 2012 at 7:48 pm

MontalBAN es mas macho!

elburritodeluxe February 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

#Occupythewomb

actor212 February 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Aw, fuck! There goes my weekend in Enid, in Enid.

nounverb911 February 17, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Can't Enid come to you?

actor212 February 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

If she could do that, she wouldn't need the vibrator.

GOPCrusher February 17, 2012 at 5:24 pm

* rimjob *

anniegetyerfun February 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

"all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state"

Can they donate to SuperPACs? Or is that only coporation-persons?

poncho_pilot February 17, 2012 at 2:34 pm

zygotes are corporations too, my friend.

nounverb911 February 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

When does Bain outsource them to China?

poncho_pilot February 18, 2012 at 3:49 am

i can't think of a witty response about air travel and zygotes so i'll just throw up a fact. the transportation bureau, or whatever it was called, in Nazi Germany charged the government for shipping people on trains to the camps at what would be the regular fare. so adults had to be paid for by the government but children rode for free. happy new years!

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Ok, now my mind is blown.

poncho_pilot February 18, 2012 at 3:52 am

if: zygote = person
and: corporation = person
then: zygote = corporation

i think that might be logically incorrect but i'm just a bit too drunk to work it out right now.

Barrelhse February 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Gay, illegal, Mexican residents, for example?

mrpuma2u February 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

We will need to surgically implant a small caliber handgun in the womb of all pregnant women, so the zygote/fetus's 2nd amendment rights cannot be restricted.

anniegetyerfun February 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm

This comment has won my heart and the day.

mrpuma2u February 17, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Aw shucks. I think you're swell too. Let's go to the shooting range and get better acquainted.

Swampgas_Man February 17, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Never mind all that: CAN THEY BE SENT TO PRISON?

Think of it: One little sperm breaks into the egg, WITHOUT THE WOMAN'S WRITTEN CONSENT, holds her hostage for nine months, not letting her drink or even SMOKE, then forces its way out in the most painful way possible.

I sez jail the little bastards.

EatsBabyDingos February 17, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Our future pre-Protozoal overlords thank you in advance.

VinnyThePooh February 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm

"I done told ya to keep yer filthy mitts outta Pandora's box, ya dern fool."

anniegetyerfun February 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm

It's a good thing that human rights and privileges don't include access to affordable healthy care, or conservatives might have to take care of all these little zygotes until they are born, and can then be executed for being poor.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 19, 2012 at 2:59 am

This means that every miscarriage will now require a coroner to determine the medical cause of death, and perhaps a police investigation if there's evidence the woman did anything not approved of by the Xtard fuckwads now running the state.

We desperately need to establish a minimum IQ for state and national elected offices. Ignorant cretins may be entitled to representation, but they sure as hell should not do the representing.

slowhansolo February 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm

American Taliban strikes again. Can we please fight them here, this time?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 19, 2012 at 3:00 am

Well, the government has approved the flying of drones in U.S. skies. That's a promising first step.

elviouslyqueer February 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I never thought I'd see the day when Oklahoma would be manifestly stupider than Mississippi. Okay, your move, Arizona.

FakaktaSouth February 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

OOOH OOH! (thrusts up hand) Mr Kotter! – We gots us a personhood bill in December for Bama too – it hasn't passed anywhere, but ya know we couldn't let anybody have a fucktard party without us. (it won't work out here, we don't treat ANYBODY like people, ever)

FlownOver February 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Brownbackistan won't be far behind – just hold on until we get done shooting all them Meskins from helicopters.

Goonemeritus February 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Zygotes need to step up, no more counting on “Big Mom” for their welfare. It's time they strike out on their own and pull themselves up by their itty bitty bootstraps.

actor212 February 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

That's IT! That's fucking brilliant!

It's not abortion anymore! It's emanicipation!

OMG! You are a FUCKING GENIUS!

Biel_ze_Bubba February 19, 2012 at 3:05 am

The lazy little freeloaders don't work, don't pay taxes, and don't even bother learning English! And they take advantage of free health care, too!

Callyson February 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

fertilized eggs shall have “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”
Ah, but what if they are female fertilized eggs? Or blah ones? I haz a confused…

WhatTheHolyHeck February 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Those poor gay fetuses still can't get married. Such a pity. The womb is such a nice, cozy place for a honeymoon.

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:28 pm

We'll just weed out those ones with targeted tiny drone strikes.

Gratuitous World February 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

i'm against this bill, but it's cool – some of my best friends are zygotes.

coolhandnuke February 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

In a related story, hundreds of thousands of Oklahoma trash cans were suddenly filled with old gym socks…preemptive mass murder evidence destruction.

One Term Barry February 18, 2012 at 11:30 am

ORLY?

MiniMencken February 17, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Why, Brian Crain, you old zygote! Watcha been up to?

ManchuCandidate February 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Give the GOPer fundie whackadoos some credit here. This is the only moment when they give a fuck about life (even if it isn't a viable human being.) They don't give a shit about the little fuck after it gets shot out of the baby cannon.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 2:48 pm

"The fetus is a person until it's born. Then it can go fuck itself." — Peter Griffin

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm

From the ad, "Personhood is the new civil rights movement for the 21st century." AH GAH NO YOU MORONS. You are campaigning against civil rights for women, HOW DARE YOU compare your tyrannical campaign for forced childbirth to the Civil Rights movement. You are working against civil rights, HOW DARE YOU!

P.S. Go fuck yourselves.

VinnyThePooh February 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Do the Zygotes also get a conceal carry permit?

Maman February 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Wow. Where do I hide my daughters?

MissTaken February 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Not in your womb.

Crank_Tango February 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Well, my address is:
…oh wait, that was a rhetorical question? Désolé maman !

fuflans February 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

canada.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 19, 2012 at 3:06 am

I hear New Zealand is nice.

EatsBabyDingos February 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I am going to Tulsa and creating 10,000,000 registered voters in one Kleenex. They will vote for me.

SayItWithWookies February 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

And in the race to the lowest common denominator, Virginia is not far behind:

Legislation that says human life begins at conception advanced Monday in the Virginia House of Delegates, which also rejected an amendment aimed at clarifying that birth control would remain legal.

Get your abortions while you can, ladies!

Radiotherapy February 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Wooks, not to get all serious and sciency, but won't this be fun when they learn that half of all conceptions fail au natural?

SayItWithWookies February 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Or, as we'll soon know it, through negligent homicide.

Jukesgrrl February 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Women have already been tried in the U.S. for "feticide" for having a miscarriage while using drugs or, in one case in Alabama, losing a baby during a suicide attempt. A significant segment of the War on Drugs crowd is in favor of this as a "preventive measure" to discourage young women from using.

comrad_darkness February 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Because of smaller government and more freedums, right?

40 or 50 % McShineys February 17, 2012 at 5:42 pm

The only solution left for them: God's gonna have to get charged with murder.

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 3:16 pm

It's nice of the wingnuts, to pass clearly unconstitutional legislation that their states will have to waste a bunch of resources defending until they're tossed out by the courts.

FlownOver February 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

This defines Kris Kobach's gravy train.

Swampgas_Man February 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm

You're sure the Roberts court will throw this stuff out?

imissopus February 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Hey Wooks, are you familiar with the Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk? Back in the sixties the GA essentially helped found it, and it's where pioneering work on IVF has been going on since the seventies. The first IVF baby was born there around 1980. One wonders what happens to the ongoing work there if this bill goes through. It's tragic that this current crop of legislators has gone so retrograde on issues of women's health and reproductive freedom, considering the state's history of support in those areas.

Chichikovovich February 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

This means that, yes, fertilized eggs shall have “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

Well, yeah, but frankly that's a much less attractive offer since they banned eating fetus meat.

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm

No fetuses in the zygote's food! It's against the constitooshun.

elviouslyqueer February 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Judging from his picture, Brian Crain is likely looking to use this bill to expand the pool of youngs he can molest.

YasserArraFeck February 17, 2012 at 2:48 pm

That's his "O Face"

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Or make into burgers.

LagunaB February 17, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I make really good burgers but I use onions.

comrad_darkness February 17, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Clearly someone in that state needs to make gluttony not only a sin, but also illegal and subject to body cavity searches. See how it feels to have the government prodding your body, motherfucker.

poncho_pilot February 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Brian Crain? more like Cryin' Brain, amirite?

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Or more like Brain Drain.

BornInATrailer February 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

And Mary Failin

Swampgas_Man February 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm

The brain in Crain is mainly on the wane.

ElPinche February 17, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Looks like I need to mail in my gym sock to the Oklahoma authorities , its dripping with zygotes. I blame Christina Hendricks for my genocide.

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Do men really use socks? Cuz I find that strange, and a little gross.

ElPinche February 17, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Normally no….there's prep work even for a dry guy.

prommie February 17, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Can the mother sue the zygote for payment of rent, and board? If the zygote fails to pay rent, or fails to answer the summons, can the mother have the zygote evicted?

Man, I am a good lawyer. Took me less than five minutes to find the loophole, abortion is now illegal in Oklahoma, but on the other hand, now you can evict the deadbeat fetuses!

ph7 February 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

In ironic response, Inhofe will socialize uteruses and subject them to rent control and Section 8 rental subsidies.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

If the feti can't show a green card, can it be deported?

GOPCrusher February 17, 2012 at 5:49 pm

ANCHOR FETUS LIBEL !!1!1

CivicHoliday February 18, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Orly Taitz must personally certify every fetus pre-birth certificate

Steverino247 February 17, 2012 at 2:38 pm

The solution to this is simple. Move out of Oklahoma if you can. Boycott anything doing business there and tell them why. Pressure the Feds to close bases and other facilities there. Post warning signs just across the border. If you have to drive through the state, be very careful not to speed. If you're a single female, find a mate in some other state. No happy endings in OK anymore. Done.

prommie February 17, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Abstaining from all things Oklahoma-ish is not going to take much sacrifice for the average person, you realize?

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm

What is in Oklahoma, anyway?

HistoriCat February 17, 2012 at 5:39 pm

DustBowlBlues libel!

Steverino247 February 17, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Here's the expenditure numbers for 1997: http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/facility/o

Here's something more recent: http://militarybases.com/oklahoma/

If all that left the state, here's what's left: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oklahoma

Fun fact: There are more registered Democrats in OK than any other party. So, get to work and vote these assholes out of office, boys and girls.

LagunaB February 17, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Baby time is over for me, then what? Do I get shot on sight? No zygotes for me.
And I don't stop in VA because I don't have a gun and therefore feel naked.

littlebigdaddy February 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Today we are all diploid cells!

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

So, that makes me a Capricorn?
Oh, HELL no!

Mumbletypeg February 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Got something against Capricorns?…

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:45 pm

On the minus side, NO sign is as charming as Libras. Also, December 26 has to be the worst possible day of the year to have as a birthday.
On the plus side, if I *were* a Capricorn instead of a Libra, I probably wouldn't be such a broke-ass failure.
Snarkless, both my best friend and my boyfriend are Capricorns and are the nicest people anyone could ever hope to meet.

Mumbletypeg February 17, 2012 at 3:50 pm

both my best friend and my boyfriend are Capricorns

Agreed: Capricorns make good lovers, in my experience. But I've gone awry of astrolo-protocol in finding, as a Leo myself, I'm not that averse to Leo's among the men I've kept company with either.

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Jesus was a Capricorn.

smokefilledroommate February 17, 2012 at 8:03 pm

But all the awesome people are Virgos. Hmmph.

YasserArraFeck February 17, 2012 at 2:42 pm

It's funny how they can look all grown up on the outside and still have brains at the four-cell stage………what to do with all that extra space in their skulls?

Baconzgood February 17, 2012 at 2:42 pm

They are shooting themselves in the foot. It will go to court anc because Roe V. Wade it will back fire on them. Morans.

Swampgas_Man February 17, 2012 at 6:43 pm

They don't really care if it's overturned or not; the prime reason is to be able to point to a piece of shit "legislation" that "sends a message", not to actually accomplish anything.

sharethegrief February 17, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Roe has been chipped and sliced away at for years. In a number of states there are 24 hour waiting periods. If you have to travel any distance to get to a clinic, then you're looking at an overnight stay somewhere. Ask a poor woman how this affects her pocketbook. Vaginal probes are now law in several states. Reproductive rights have never been more threatened than now.

BigDumbRedDog February 17, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Good. The sooner zygotes become people the sooner we can all stop caring about them.

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Hey, they already also want to make sure the pregnant woman isn't entitled to proper prenatal care if she wants the pregnancy; they're just making sure that she goes through with it whether she wants to or not.

sharethegrief February 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

There isn't a punishment cruel enough for a woman governor who signs this bill.

Swampgas_Man February 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Except several unwanted pregnancies.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 19, 2012 at 3:10 am

What makes you think that?

neiltheblaze February 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Every zygote is a corporation!

freakishlywrong February 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Zygotes are people, my friend.

jakegittes February 20, 2012 at 8:24 am

Corporations are zygotes, my friend.

Socrates was a zygote.
Zygotes are corporations.
Therefore, Socrates was a corporation.
Q.E.D.

spinozasgod February 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

What should the zygotes call their Super-PAC?

ChernobylSoup February 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm

SimilacPac

Schmegeg February 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

But you will get NO FUCKING BREAKFAST.

BigDumbRedDog February 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Travel is going to be a pain in the ass when I need a passport for each egg in my ovaries.

prommie February 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Your a chick? Wow.

BigDumbRedDog February 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

No wow. It's pretty common, actually.

prommie February 17, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Chicks named Clifford aren't common. Dudes, on the other hand, are a persecuted minority.

BigDumbRedDog February 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

No, thats clifford's twin sister Gertrude. If you look really close you can see her big red vagina.

YasserArraFeck February 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm

No Facebook for the Little Guy/Gal until you can shove a vaginal probe*-shaped keyboard up there…….and a light.

*A "Virginia Periscope"

neiltheblaze February 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm

So – does every woman who has a miscarriage have to face an inquest now?

prommie February 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

This happens; Florida has prosecuted women who abused drugs during pregnancy.

sharethegrief February 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Hell, you don't even need to abuse drugs. You can fall down a flight of stairs and be prosecuted.

Jukesgrrl February 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Amanda Kimbrough, now facing a 10-year sentence if her case is not reversed on appeal, is one at least 40 women tried so far in Alabama. Her baby was delivered by prematurely in 2008 and died 19 minutes after birth. Six months later Kimbrough was arrested at home and charged with “chemical endangerment” of her unborn child on the grounds that she had taken drugs during the pregnancy – a claim she has denied. If jailed she will leave three children at home without a mother. http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2011/07/01/25682

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:34 pm

It boggles the mind.

GOPCrusher February 17, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Another example of Love The Fetus. Hate The Child. Go to prison for endangering your fetus, while your three children go without a mother.

Nostrildamus February 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Not every woman. Just one of very dark character, if you know what I mean. Prosecutorial disgression, you know.

Sassomatic February 17, 2012 at 4:28 pm

You joke, and yet my authoritarian-Chritianity-loving cousin in Mississippi believes that women should be investigated when they have miscarriages, and those who object are obviously hiding something.

comrad_darkness February 17, 2012 at 5:35 pm

If you are going full talibanical, yes.

slithytoves February 17, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Some seriously funny comments in this post. Best in a while – many upfists to you all!

MissTaken February 17, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I would like to introduce Wonkett's newest commenter SorosBot Jr. He's just a zygote and can neither speak or type due to lack of brain, hands, or mouth, but he (or maybe she, we have no idea and won't know for several more months!) has "all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents" including the right to make comments about stupid-ass laws that can never be enforced and are therefore written purely to keep women subservient to men.

Welcome, SorosBot Jr!

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm

And this is how you tell me?!? Great, and I had thought our faith-based birth control (that's prayer that you don't get pregnant for everyone else) was going to work. I guess god's forsaken us a bit here.

Oh well, at least we didn't use any of that sinful birth control; then we'd heading for hell.

SorosBot Jr February 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Daddy?

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Listen, you're gonna gave to earn your keep around here, little blastocyst; on Newt's suggestion I'll be looking into a janitorial position.

SorosBot Jr February 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Can I borrow the Porsche tonite?

BigDumbRedDog February 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I just looked at sorosbot jr's avatar under my microscope. Cute!

SorosBot Jr February 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

The Heisenberg Uncertainty About Paternity Principle.

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

And he/she still hasn't differentiated or implanted yet!

actor212 February 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Here's a mop, Junior. Earn your keep

Radiotherapy February 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The good news lil' SorosBot Jr,: you have a 50% chance of surviving. The bad news: you have a 50% chance of dying before you've even developed gills, and then mommy and her doctor are going to the Megaplex Prison.

Radiotherapy February 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I noticed that SorosBot Jr doesn't have a period.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Maybe that means its a boy.

MissTaken February 17, 2012 at 4:43 pm

It's actually SorosBot Jr! because we are so happy!

Baconzgood February 17, 2012 at 3:26 pm

WHEW *wipes forehead*.

Nostrildamus February 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Congratulations, Jr, on your gastrulation day!

Fare la Volpe February 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Mazel tov! Do you know if you're going to raise him Ginger?

Steverino247 February 17, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I go out for a ball rub and look what happens while I'm gone…

Ancient_Hacker February 17, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Interesting– apparently the bill writers don't know much about Biology.

About 4 out of 5 zygotes never implant into the uterus, so I guess if you follow this bill, 80% of zygotes die and should have funerals, and the mother should be charged with infanticide.

prommie February 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

God is still allowed to kill 3/4ths of all the people ever created. That part is fine.

An_Outhouse February 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Actually, God is to blame. Just the Christian one – the Muslim God says to let the little tykes ripen a bit before they're referred to as little tykes.

MosesInvests February 17, 2012 at 3:28 pm

In Jewish tradition, life begins at *birth*.

ShaveTheWhales February 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

What a concept.

Chichikovovich February 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I guess sexually active women in Oklahoma will have to wear little devices to catch and retain any errant slippery little snowflake baby that doesn't grab on tight when passing through the uterus. The devices will need to be microscopically examined several times daily to make sure some negligent homicide doesn't take place. But I'm sure Oklahoman women are A-OK with this.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Don't worry, the ultrasound dealies are ready even as we speak.

Chichikovovich February 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Oh, I'm sure of it. And in a remarkable coincidence, the spouses of most of the lawmakers started up ultrasound wand-distributing businesses and for-profit microscopic examination labs just a few months ago.

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm

They've got to inspect every period to make sure it's not an early miscarriage.

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Oh crap. Now the Westboro Baptist Church will be boycotting zygote funerals.

faster_kittycat February 17, 2012 at 5:53 pm
sharethegrief February 17, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Devery Doleman is my new heroine.

Lucidamente1 February 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

How am I going to find that many Social Security Numbers ever time I fap? (Yeah, yeah, I know, fertilized eggs, but if birth control pills cause prostate cancer—look it up*—then you better get all the little guys their papers.)

* http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/17/birth-co

Tommmcattt February 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Do these rights extend to gamete containers? Because my nutsack needs a government loan.

Half-a-person should have half the rights, right?

YasserArraFeck February 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

So, a twist on the old conundrums:
How many Okies can dance on the head of a pin?
If 300 million Okies shoot through the air in a forest, can anyone hear them scream when they splatter on the ground?

Barrelhse February 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Grasshoppah, what is the sound of one hand fapping?

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm

And how soon can we find out the answer to the latter question?

Isyaignert February 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I'm curious, let's find out! But, please don't shoot BartCop – http://www.bartcop.com – he's one cool Okie.

weej_bain February 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Time for some cheers for the Repugs making contraception the battle royal for 2012.

Here! Here! Here!

Nostrildamus February 17, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Really like the Bachmann arc in the 2nd cartoon!

prommie February 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Apparently they believed it was time for a stupid and futile gesture, and that they were just the men to do it.

weej_bain February 17, 2012 at 3:45 pm

And that their beloved Mrs. Rethuglican would do her master's bidding in the voting booth.

freakishlywrong February 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ. These people. (and zygotes).

OneDollarJuana February 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

If you just stick to tittyfucking you'll be fine.

OneDollarJuana February 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

The stupid stick are huge in Oklahoma, it seems. This law, if enacted, would seem to require:

- the death penalty for women who have abortions, and the person who helped them, as the murder was clearly premeditated.
- murder investigations for every miscarriage.
- child sexual molestation investigations of every man who has sex with a pregnant woman, because he was thrusting his turgid manhood within mere inches of a minor.
- child abuse investigations for any pregnant woman who has an alcoholic drink or tobacco product, because she is providing those intoxicants to a minor.
- liquor license suspension investigations for any bar staff who serve a pregnant woman alcoholic drinks for the same reason.
- etc.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:23 pm

"- child sexual molestation investigations of every man who has sex with a pregnant woman, because he was thrusting his turgid manhood within mere inches of a minor"

Back in the days when I worked in a teaching hospital, one of the nurses was a no-nonsense good ol' gal. Another of our co-workers was pregnant, and confided that she was nervous about having sex.
Nervous Preggo: I mean, what if IT goes all the way up there and hits the baby?
Good Ol' Gal [laughing]: Aw, in your DREAMS!!

user-of-owls February 17, 2012 at 5:14 pm

You two are making turgid sound all dirty and such.

smokefilledroommate February 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Oh, go fuck a zygote.

hilbillyheroine February 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I live here, and we have just entered "The Handmaid's Tale".

comrad_darkness February 17, 2012 at 5:40 pm

We have a spare room…

Fare la Volpe February 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

That egg's looking pretty trampy. She should have expected to be raped by that sperm.

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm

She was asking for it, wearing that skimpy little cell wall.

Fare la Volpe February 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm

And once she becomes a zygote, I bet she'll be flashing her cleavage indeterminately.

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:41 pm

As long as she doesn't get raped too much.

HeadsIWin February 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

My sperm is smarter than any of you libtards and it shoots back!

stooshie February 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Presumably they have all the responsibilities of a full blown person as well. Also, will their age be in negative numnbers?

smokefilledroommate February 17, 2012 at 2:57 pm

If eugenics was actually practiced, Brian Crain wouldn't exist.

elburritodeluxe February 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Yet another triumph of ideology over common sense. I hope the state feels compelled to provide prenatal care to all its new citizens.

Chichikovovich February 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm

They don't feel compelled to provide postnatal care, do they? Why should those little parasites get any better treatment than anybody else?

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Ahahaha!
You funny.

DerrickWildcat February 17, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Nebraska is looking pretty fucking cooler every day!

user-of-owls February 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm

“all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

I can't wait until some beaner lawyer points out to these sharpies that "illegals" meet a minimum of two of those three criteria. Plus, they're differentiated!

Chichikovovich February 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Crap, that's a good point. All undocumented residents are ripened fertilized eggs! And with all the rights of citizens, by law.

God it's great to have you back.

MarionNYNY February 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

So if a woman has a problem pregnancy and the fetus kills her, will it be tried as an adult?

DerrickWildcat February 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I have to give kudos for the picture and alt text. They are gggrrreeeaattt!

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Explain?
The alt text on mine says a/s/l, and the only thing I can think of is American Sign Language, and I'm pretty sure it's not that, because Sammy Sperm and Olivia Ovum don't got hands.

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm

That's age/sex/location; and was common back in the chatrooms of the early days of the internet.

SayItWithWookies February 17, 2012 at 4:29 pm

For real?! I thought it was a play on DSL (check UrbanDictionary), and I was wracking my brain to figure out what the zygotic equivalent of the D was — the nearest I've been able to come to it was the archenteron, though that's not quite the same.

Terry February 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

So, a zygote counts as a person but a Black or Native person still ain't quite equal, huh?

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Neither is a Woman-American, apparently.

Chichikovovich February 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

“all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

So I suppose this means that citizenship begins at conception! Bring on the anchor zygotes!

This means some serious anchor-zygote action too, since the parent doesn't even have to enter the US. Just ship the frozen eggs and sperm to a fertility clinic in Tulsa, effect the miraculous creation of the 'lil dividers, and ship the frozen zygotes back for implantation.

archikvetch February 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Can the Mormons baptise enough of the dead ones and claim they voted for Romney? Oh fiddlesticks! They haven't even reached age of consent, let alone emanicpation of ability to vote. Oh well, at least they'll all get SS#s right? Oh God the stupid!

archikvetch February 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Oops – that was supposed to be in reply to comment that 80% of zygotes don't implant. And I wonder if 80% of politicians heads in the Sooner State were damaged from conception or if it was environmental

An_Outhouse February 17, 2012 at 3:11 pm

This is plain wrong. Never eat a fetus before its time. Eating zygotes is like having veal.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Try the bacon-wrapped zygotes; if those are wrong, I don't want to be right.

mrsbitch February 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I'm so sick of this shit I don't even have any snark left in me about it. From now on, once the goddamned 2-celled, fully-human blob is formed, let's make sure the fathers also get in on the wonder of the life they've created. They can pay halvsies on all of the testing and doctor's appointments. They should be tested for drugs to make sure they weren't pre-abusing their pre-progeny. They should be named on legal documents as the father and held accountable for fully half of any expenses the woman needs to pay out of pocket for all prenatal care. They should undergo a battery of invasive medical tests to ensure that they aren't passing some cooties on to this poor unsuspecting new person.

I just figured out why Teapublicans are soooooo fucking protective of these zygotes. The zygotes don't have brains yet so they're identifying them as Republican.

AAAAAAaaaaaauuuuggggghhh!! Pant, pant, wheeze.

johnnyzhivago February 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Zygotes are organizing a Quadrillion Zygote March on Washington for even more rights!

faster_kittycat February 17, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Do they get half fare on the Metro?

SorosBot Jr February 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Where's the Jobs!!1!

johnnyzhivago February 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Is it time for the GOP Candidates to take a critical look at Women's Sufferage or Women Driving???

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:28 pm

It's times like these that I'm glad I live in this once great country, surrounded on both sides by mighty oceans. It makes it impossible to hear the other countries laughing at us.

Chichikovovich February 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

[No snark or only residual traces; alien half of Chichikovovich speaking] I'm not going to lie to you, as you know the world's non-American minority does like to have its fun with the ol' US of A. Ben oui, there's the Freedom Fries, and Sarah Palin, and easily mocked insularity (even from Obama – "the only country where a story like mine is possible." but I'm guessing that he knew how silly this is, but decided it was too good a political winner to pass up) and jingoism.

But stuff like this just leaves us – the hundreds or perhaps even thousands of non-Americans in the world – troubled and incomprehending.

Jukesgrrl February 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

The UK's Guardian has always covered the anti-choice movement much more comprehensively than any news outlet in our country that I could name.

poncho_pilot February 18, 2012 at 3:54 am

there are other countries? fuck. i don't know what that means for us but…fuck.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I predict a severe spike in aspirin sales.

slowhansolo February 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

The good news here is that booze will be outlawed as a potential abortifacient.

Wilcoxyz February 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

This is good news for some folks' tax deductions. I could see a bunch of zygotes lowering my state tax bill considerably.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

"or performing in vitro fertilization"

No, because that results in MORE of the precious Jesus babbys. Science is only bad when it results in FEWER pjbs; if it results in MORE, a la the Duggers, all that "God's will" crapolla goes right out the window.

ShaveTheWhales February 17, 2012 at 4:28 pm

But IVF inevitably results in large numbers of fertilized eggs that are not implanted (aka "flushed"). Their rights are just as inalienable as those of the lucky one selected for implantation.

prommie February 17, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Oh, no Tessie, they hate IVF, because it results in surplus people that are never implanted, they are usually frozen, these extra fertilized eggs, and there are groups among the fetus-worshippers who try to "liberate" the frozen zygotes, which they call 'snowflake babies," and then find mothers who will agree to be implanted with them so they can be born. Fucking insane motherfucking shit.

iburl February 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Latisse is now available for zygotes!

MinAgain February 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Sing with me!

I'm proud to be a zygokie from Muskogee…

yellowerdog February 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Ok, so a zygote is a person. A corporation is a person. Let's apply personal income tax rates – volila no deficit!

pinkocommi February 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Ergo, every moment we choose to not have heterosexual sex, we are killing a person by not conceiving them?

No more putting aspirin between your knees, people. It's murder!

Antispandex February 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Zygotes – People
Corporations – People
Adults without property or papers – NOT people

Welcome to Teapublican America, and it's mind numbing "logic".

DaRooster February 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

“all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

Like Social Security, Medicare and Food Stamps… cool.

rickmaci February 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

“all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.” So zygotes should be entitled to inherit property? Let's say mom and dad had a little fertility issue they fixed with a bit of in vitro. Now they die. Does that mean we can never settle their estate because I have these little cryonic sibling critters? Or do we just count them up and divide the estate accordingly? Somebody who went to law school and actually understands the Rule Against Perpetuities is going to have to explain to me how this works.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Don't we all feel better knowing our tax pennies are going to pay the salaries for shit like this?

Naked_Bunny February 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

fertilized eggs shall have “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

This certainly will become interesting when random Oklahomans start asserting their right to feed off a woman's blood against her will.

pinkocommi February 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm

"all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state"

But the gay zygotes still cannot marry each other.

deanbooth February 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I'll believe zygotes are people when they have cell phones.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

As a friend of mine says, "In the Jewish faith, the fetus becomes a person when it is accepted to Med School".

deanbooth February 17, 2012 at 6:16 pm

My favorite Sarah Silverman joke: "I was raped by a doctor, so I had mixed feelings."

[Also, too, did you see what I did there? Zygotes, cells, &c &c.]

Naked_Bunny February 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I'm pretty sure this law is sponsored by commercial prison interests. After all, the prison population will soon explode as all the women who have miscarriages or whose fertilized eggs fail to implant are jailed for manslaughter.

pinkocommi February 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

"all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state"

Well, my 38-year-old ova are old enough to drink and so they plan to get so hammered tonight they forget that Oklahoma and the stupid people rumored to live there even exist. Come to think of it, my ova haven't seen enough evidence to be convinced that Oklahoma and its stupid citizens exist and are starting to think that someone is making this shit up just to fuck with us.

BlueStateLibel February 17, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I still don't understand then what they would do with all of the in vitro zygotes. Kidnap women and forcibly implant them into them? Damn, forget I said that, that probably sounds like a great idea to them.

Jukesgrrl February 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

“all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state”

How about responsibilities? If one of those cute little unborn is kicking it's mother nearly to death from the inside can it be charged with assault?

(On the plus side, maybe the mother can charge it rent.)

DetectiveGrey February 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Hey, Wonkers, snark-free question here:

Does this mean women on the pill would be held liable for the death of an unborn child? My understanding of non-morning-after birth control pills is that conception occurs but the fertilized zygote doesn't bind to the uteral tissue. A particularly liberal (how ironic) interpretation of this law could mean that because conception occurs at this point, charges could be levied against a woman for having unprotected sex while on the pill. The actual text of the law doesn't have any kind of protections against this, either.

So am I wrong? Are they effectively outlawing unprotected sex or even semi-permanent (the shot, the strip, IUDs) birth control by doing this?

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 4:26 pm

It's misconception (pun unintended), the pill actually prevents fertilization not just implantation; but it's common enough that I pretty much expect the woman-haters to use this to try and attack the pill too.

MissTaken February 17, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Birth control pills (which the morning-after pill is made of, just a higher dose) do prevent an egg to be released during what would be ovulation. This is done by tricking the body to thinking it is already pregnant. No egg released = no fertilization.

But sometimes that fails so in addition to stopping ovulation, the pill also changes the pH level of the vagina so sperm are killed off before they make it to a potentially released egg. No sperm = no fertilized egg. BUT if an egg is released *and* the sperm actually swim all the way to it then the pill also changes the chemical makeup of the uterus to make the lining not conducive to implantation, therefore a fertilized egg will just pass through when the woman is having her period with no idea that it was ever fertilized in the first place.

The third effect of the pill is why people consider the pill an "abortion" since it prevents implantation of a fertilized egg as a last resort.

Sassomatic February 17, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I'll believe zygotes are people when Texas executes one, or some such.

outragedcitizen February 17, 2012 at 4:44 pm

The little Zygote will have all the protection and rights provided by its GOP benefactors… well, up to the point where it sticks its gooey head out of mom's vagina. After that, the little fucker is on its own.

ShaveTheWhales February 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I almost forgot:

Oh, for fuck's sake!

user-of-owls February 17, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Maw, maw, where's my paw?
Look in the microscope,
haw, haw, haw.

ShaveTheWhales February 17, 2012 at 5:15 pm

BTW, I can only hope that shit like this and Virginia's equivalent will serve as a gruesome reminder to the "disaffected", or "I only vote in Presidential elections", or "There's no difference between the parties", or "Gee, it's kinda inconvenient" non-voters that this is what happens when you don't fucking vote in off-year elections.

I'll admit to being a bit "disaffected" myself, but it didn't prevent me from voting in 2010, even though I now live in a pretty red district — even when you know your candidate is going to lose, it's worth keeping the margin as close as possible. It may prevent the winner from thinking "MANDATE", or even slightly influence the selection of the next bad-guy candidate.

Voting only in the hope of moderating the wackiness of Republicans is weak sauce, indeed, but it is sometimes all we can do. When the asshole start to feel invulnerable, you get overreach as we are now seeing up and down the political hierarchy.

chascates February 17, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Polar bears, whales, and amphibians can disappear. The earth itself can heat up with disastrous consequences. But if one sperm fertilizes one egg it's time for the Religious Police to get involved.

MissTaken February 17, 2012 at 5:16 pm

♫ This little zygote of mine
I'm gonna make it shine ♫

Naked_Bunny February 17, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Can an Oklahoman run for President if he doesn't have a conception certificate?

ShaveTheWhales February 17, 2012 at 5:21 pm

This is really gonna fuck up Oklahoma's infant-mortality statistics.

DustBowlBlues February 18, 2012 at 12:28 am

Who gives a shit? If we don't lead in that particular category we have to be no lower than third.

And what happens when you get born in Oklahoma? "Fuck you, loser. If you were so damn dumb you couldn't figure out how to be born to a One percenter, you can't expect us to use our hard earned money in taxes to educate you, to protect you from predator relatives or mommy's new boyfriend or to test for lead in the water you're drinking We can afford to buy all the the things you expect to get and more so we don't need that shit's that's free to you."

weej_bain February 17, 2012 at 5:22 pm

If either Frothy or Mittens get a first ballot, looks like it will be oocyte / chattel 2012.

comrad_darkness February 17, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Whatever. I had no plans to move to Oklahoma anyway, nor plans to travel anywhere near it.

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:50 pm

In preparation for a similar law taking effect in Texas, Rick Perry has ordered the manufacturing of teeny tiny lethal injection syringes.

fartknocker February 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm

So if get Social Security numbers for each of my little zygotes, can I use them as a deduction on my taxes?

MUHAMMED_PBUH February 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm

There are hundreds of thousands of frozen human embryos in fertility clinics around the country, some of them dating back to the 1980s and potentially still viable. If I bring them into Oklahoma will they be eligible to receive food stamps, welfare and housing assistance? Will they get to vote? If I culture a pluripotent embryonic stem cell line from them, can I create my own voting bloc? After 22 cell divisions they will outnumber all Oklahoma residents; I think my first act as governor-senator will be to implement shariah law.

C_R_Eature February 17, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Well dammit! There goes my whole plan for franchise Fetusiajita Food Trucks and the Soylent Fetus Cafe'. I had a business plan and everything. Shit!

When, oh when will we do something about these Job Killing Regulations?

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Shorter: Everything except a woman is a person.

Chet Kincaid February 17, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Enjoy your future, kiddies (and by kiddies I mean everyone from tail-end boomers on down to the Tosh 2.0 generation), re-fighting all the battles you took for granted while you were running around not voting, not paying attention and not believing there was any difference who's in charge. This includes you, feminist-label-avoiding ladies!

horsedreamer_1 February 17, 2012 at 8:51 pm

This is going to give new life to Jim Breuer's career.

stanpan February 17, 2012 at 9:40 pm

As an Okie, the saddest part of this is that it's not surprising in the least. The legislature has been infested with fanatics for years, and our teatard governor will be sure to sign off on any crazy shit they send her way. Any relocation suggestions, guys?

reginagreene February 17, 2012 at 10:46 pm

But didn't they settle this controversy centuries ago? You know, the fact that we all start out as little fully-formed homunculi? My mom always embarrassed me in front of friends by waving around a cute picture of me in my homunculus stage, no more than a micron or two high and already looking disappointed with my lot. (Although I must admit that the zygote in the picture accompanying this story is, well, strangely hot. Is she….attached?)

DustBowlBlues February 18, 2012 at 12:04 am

One kid emailed the ultrasound of the new baby. I didn't open the attachment that contained the first "baby picture."

DustBowlBlues February 18, 2012 at 12:15 am

I've lost count of how many of my wokette weekends have begun with my beloved home state doing something freshly batshit It doesn't seem that this bullshit can be real. But then I go downtown in my 2,000 pop. town and have to have social exchanges. That's enough to remind me of how ignorant and backward my neighbors are. No wonder I'm a recluse.

miked420 February 18, 2012 at 1:52 am

Speaking of which, I'm fucking starving. Anybody got any zygotes in the fridge?

poncho_pilot February 18, 2012 at 3:56 am

thank you. i'm here all week!

martini? yes. no olive, though. but a dash of stem cells would be a nice touch.

ttommyunger February 18, 2012 at 8:58 am

Oklahomans are people, my friend; moronic people, but people.

doubleohmonkey February 18, 2012 at 9:49 am

“all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

Sweet! Anchor-zygotes!

snoopyfan2010 February 18, 2012 at 9:56 am

Does this mean that if a man has sex with someone, he owes child support starting from conception?

RoscoeDomino February 19, 2012 at 12:26 am

Will barbershops be murder factories?

CivicHoliday February 19, 2012 at 9:47 am

This is great news for back-alley abortions! You can't be charged for murder as long as you claim that you were simply offering your new zygote house guest a hanger upon which to rest his jacket.

Crank_Tango February 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I will let you know what I can, ahem, come up with.

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Not until you have arms and legs, and can reach the wheel! How are you gonna drive when you're only 0' .0004" tall?

MissTaken February 17, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Hey, just because the zygote has my lack of height doesn't mean you have to be mean to it!

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Aw, don't worry honey; with my height genes, I'm sure Jr! will tower over you by the time he or she grows up. But it has to develop a basic skeletal structure first.

SorosBot Jr February 17, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Daddy, why is your "p"ness bigger than mine?

starfanglednut February 17, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Thumbs up for this entire conversation. Teh wonkette has achieved hitherto unknown heights of absurdity, and that is saying quite a bit.

Chet Kincaid February 17, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Jesus, there are more "personas" floating around here than a Parliament-Funkadelic concert!!

faster_kittycat February 17, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Big Red Vagina — the best band name ever!

Also, too — are the eggs in my ovaries dependents? If so, I can haz tax deductions?

SorosBot February 17, 2012 at 8:16 pm

I do wish they still did comment of the day / win of the afternoon, because I think MissTaken deserves it for this (though obviously I'm biased).

iburl February 17, 2012 at 10:28 pm

There's BEING an asshole
and then there's
being an ASSHOLE
and then there's
Rick Santorum.

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