a zygote is a zygote is a zygote

Zygotes Close to Becoming Microscopic People in the Eyes of Oklahoma

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

a/s/l?

Oklahoma’s obtuse personhood law made it through the state Senate on Thursday by a margin of 34 imbeciles to 8 brains, and will now go to the House, where there are even more “interior person”-loving junkies than in the Senate. This means that, yes, fertilized eggs shall have “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.” So get ready to give your zygotes your old car, hundreds of thousands of dollars in school tuition, and don’t be surprised if their profiles shows up on eHarmony. The bill’s backer, Sen. Brian Crain, clearly doesn’t actually even understand the text of what he put forth, saying that it won’t actually limit contraception access or other things involving contact with zygotes, when actually it will, hugely, you stupid guy, because if a zygote is a person, anyone using the morning-after pill, or performing in vitro fertilization, or doing stem cell research, can be considered a, well, murderer. Great!

This festering wound of an idea will likely get written into law because Oklahoma’s Republican governor, Mary Fallin, “signed every anti-abortion bill sent to her last year.”

Sadly, the bill no longer includes that witty Democrat-penned thing about every sperm being sacred, and then Personhood USA released this gross video commemorating yesterday’s decision in which some asshats ask stupid questions like WHO IS A PERSON? when we already know the “answer” to that: DAMN NEAR EVERY HUMANESQUE THING including flakes of skin and strands of hair.

[Reuters]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Only a man could come up with this sort of bullshit. How about if we make it so that any man who masturbates is a serial killer?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Wow. Damn, um….*blush*

      Well, let me just say, you know who else was a serial killer?

      • nounverb911

        Rush Limbaugh?

        • YasserArraFeck

          gotta be able to find it before you can tug on it

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Ewwwww.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        Cap'n Crunch: They gave him Life. Cited the legal precedent of Quisp v. Quake.

      • poncho_pilot

        David Byrne?

        zygote killer…
        qu'est-ce que c'est.

      • BarryOPotter

        OK, now this is the appropriate response!

        *Ahem* All of them, Katie

    • Callyson
    • poncho_pilot

      even worse than a serial killer! millions! billions! every man would be Hitler^X! let's do it.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Yup. Masturbation is worse than the holocaust.

        • poncho_pilot

          but what if you masturbate to images of the holocaust? what does that make someone? besides Pat Buchanan that is.

      • 40 or 50 % McShineys

        SPERMURDERER!!!

        • poncho_pilot

          Spermurderer is my favorite professional wrestler.

    • prommie

      What about all those women holding those young people hostage for 9 months, huh? Thats kidnapping and false imprisonment.

    • Crank_Tango

      I just had my testicles incorporated, thus making my sperms subsidiaries, and therefore, be it resolved…oh shit.

      Well, jizz is speech, at any rate.

      • poncho_pilot

        hope your charter is in Delaware because then you're home free.

        also, if speech equals money and speech equals jizz then jizz equals money. Sperm Banks will now be referred to as just Banks.

        • Crank_Tango

          Seyman Islands, is that good?

          Also, time is money, so if you have too much time on your hands, does that mean they are very sticky, or you're rich? This shit is confuseding.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Sperm are people too, my friend!

        • DaRooster

          … as well as whales.

      • emmelemm

        I'm imagining a man jizzing and writing a word on the floor at the same time (like peeing in the snow and writing your name).

        That would take seriously talent.

        • Crank_Tango

          And a lot of jizz!I think the best statement I can make with my semen is “shoulda kept yer legs closed, dollface.”Too soon?Sent from my iPhone

          • emmelemm

            "a lot of jizz"

            Well, yes. In theory, one might be able to manage one's initial.

          • Crank_Tango

            I will let you know what I can, ahem, come up with.

        • Swampgas_Man

          I have it on good authority (John Oliver) that in the early days of the O.S.S., sperm was used as an "invisible ink."

    • widestanceromance

      I make it a point to never ever climax, so I'm still OK.

    • Radiotherapy

      Well then, I am one badass motherfucker serial killer. I'd make John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer look like cub scouts.

    • Indiepalin

      What about a guy who jerks off into a box of cereal? What do we call him?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Interesting?

      • DaRooster

        A Froster… "They're GRRREAAT!!"

      • CommieLibunatic

        Your next GOP representative?

    • SorosBot

      But if an embryo is a person, can't a pregnant woman evict one for failing to pay rent?

      • HateMachine

        And there's no right to a free lunch, either. Get these mooching zygotes off the umbilical cord already.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Whenever these anti-abortion bills come up, they're basically written and supported by male legislators. Women tend to vote against. Maybe that's because Repubicans are mostly men and so forth. But there's something unsavory about a bunch of old, white men concocting these crazed notions.

      Abortion is legal in Italy. In Italy for God's sake. They don't have this insanity. They don't shoot abortion providers and harass young women who are coping with a sad moment in their lives. They don't erect the Cult of the Fetus to justify their obsession with sex.

      And these hypocrites almost always support the death penalty. They support bombing Iran — killing unpredictable numbers of civilians in "collateral" damage. They want to cut WIC and food stamps and day care and a hundred other things that help families absorb the impact of raising a child.

      In this latest incarnation, a woman with a life-threatening pregnancy will be left to die. Because no medical provider will perform the 15 minute procedure out of fear of being charged with murder.

      I hate their deadly holier-than-thou condescension.

      • HateMachine

        I hate to break it to you, but the abortion-in-Italy argument is not gonna hunt in most circles, because most Americans are too dumb to make the connection between Italy and Catholicism. Your point is well made, though.

        • GOPCrusher

          Besides, Italy is filled with those filthy fetus-killing, socialist, Europeans. This here is America!

    • HateMachine

      Twenty-year-olds need to start arguing that they are now permitted to drink, because if life begins at conception, they are technically nine months older than their birthdays allege.

    • snoopyfan2010

      Just ask the Pope. They already are.

  • nounverb911

    Now zygotes can vote these bastards out of office.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And get married to each other, and call it "pair bonding"

    • MinAgain

      Redistricting is going to be a bitch.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Zygote of my Dreams
    Won't you marry me today?
    La la la la la la

  • MrFizzy

    Which is more human, your average zygote or a republican?

    • nounverb911

      Is that a trick question?

      • MrFizzy

        After I wrote it I realized that it was. Shit.

    • iburl

      I'd say the zygote, because every person was once a zygote, but not every person was once an asshole.

      • tessiee

        "not every person was once an asshole"

        *remembers self during teenage years and early 20s*
        Um, sure… why not?
        *whistles nonchalantly*

        • SorosBot

          Well small children who have not hit the teenage years have yet to become assholes at least.

          • MrFizzy

            True, except that Santorum's jar fetus was probably an asshole.

          • HistoriCat

            You've obviously never had children.

          • iburl

            There's BEING an asshole
            and then there's
            being an ASSHOLE
            and then there's
            Rick Santorum.

    • LagunaB

      Repubs are just walking bags of water. And the zygote is not there yet. But there is still hope.

    • user-of-owls

      MontalBAN es mas macho!

  • elburritodeluxe

    #Occupythewomb

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Aw, fuck! There goes my weekend in Enid, in Enid.

    • nounverb911

      Can't Enid come to you?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        If she could do that, she wouldn't need the vibrator.

        • GOPCrusher

          * rimjob *

  • anniegetyerfun

    "all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state"

    Can they donate to SuperPACs? Or is that only coporation-persons?

    • poncho_pilot

      zygotes are corporations too, my friend.

      • nounverb911

        When does Bain outsource them to China?

        • poncho_pilot

          i can't think of a witty response about air travel and zygotes so i'll just throw up a fact. the transportation bureau, or whatever it was called, in Nazi Germany charged the government for shipping people on trains to the camps at what would be the regular fare. so adults had to be paid for by the government but children rode for free. happy new years!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Ok, now my mind is blown.

        • poncho_pilot

          if: zygote = person
          and: corporation = person
          then: zygote = corporation

          i think that might be logically incorrect but i'm just a bit too drunk to work it out right now.

    • Barrelhse

      Gay, illegal, Mexican residents, for example?

    • mrpuma2u

      We will need to surgically implant a small caliber handgun in the womb of all pregnant women, so the zygote/fetus's 2nd amendment rights cannot be restricted.

      • anniegetyerfun

        This comment has won my heart and the day.

        • mrpuma2u

          Aw shucks. I think you're swell too. Let's go to the shooting range and get better acquainted.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Never mind all that: CAN THEY BE SENT TO PRISON?

      Think of it: One little sperm breaks into the egg, WITHOUT THE WOMAN'S WRITTEN CONSENT, holds her hostage for nine months, not letting her drink or even SMOKE, then forces its way out in the most painful way possible.

      I sez jail the little bastards.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Our future pre-Protozoal overlords thank you in advance.

  • VinnyThePooh

    "I done told ya to keep yer filthy mitts outta Pandora's box, ya dern fool."

  • anniegetyerfun

    It's a good thing that human rights and privileges don't include access to affordable healthy care, or conservatives might have to take care of all these little zygotes until they are born, and can then be executed for being poor.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      This means that every miscarriage will now require a coroner to determine the medical cause of death, and perhaps a police investigation if there's evidence the woman did anything not approved of by the Xtard fuckwads now running the state.

      We desperately need to establish a minimum IQ for state and national elected offices. Ignorant cretins may be entitled to representation, but they sure as hell should not do the representing.

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    American Taliban strikes again. Can we please fight them here, this time?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well, the government has approved the flying of drones in U.S. skies. That's a promising first step.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I never thought I'd see the day when Oklahoma would be manifestly stupider than Mississippi. Okay, your move, Arizona.

    • FakaktaSouth

      OOOH OOH! (thrusts up hand) Mr Kotter! – We gots us a personhood bill in December for Bama too – it hasn't passed anywhere, but ya know we couldn't let anybody have a fucktard party without us. (it won't work out here, we don't treat ANYBODY like people, ever)

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Brownbackistan won't be far behind – just hold on until we get done shooting all them Meskins from helicopters.

  • Goonemeritus

    Zygotes need to step up, no more counting on “Big Mom” for their welfare. It's time they strike out on their own and pull themselves up by their itty bitty bootstraps.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That's IT! That's fucking brilliant!

      It's not abortion anymore! It's emanicipation!

      OMG! You are a FUCKING GENIUS!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The lazy little freeloaders don't work, don't pay taxes, and don't even bother learning English! And they take advantage of free health care, too!

  • Callyson

    fertilized eggs shall have “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”
    Ah, but what if they are female fertilized eggs? Or blah ones? I haz a confused…

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Those poor gay fetuses still can't get married. Such a pity. The womb is such a nice, cozy place for a honeymoon.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      We'll just weed out those ones with targeted tiny drone strikes.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i'm against this bill, but it's cool – some of my best friends are zygotes.

  • coolhandnuke

    In a related story, hundreds of thousands of Oklahoma trash cans were suddenly filled with old gym socks…preemptive mass murder evidence destruction.

    • http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financialcrisis/8793010/Germany-slams-stupid-US-plans-to-boost-EU One Term Barry

      ORLY?

  • MiniMencken

    Why, Brian Crain, you old zygote! Watcha been up to?

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Give the GOPer fundie whackadoos some credit here. This is the only moment when they give a fuck about life (even if it isn't a viable human being.) They don't give a shit about the little fuck after it gets shot out of the baby cannon.

    • tessiee

      "The fetus is a person until it's born. Then it can go fuck itself." — Peter Griffin

  • SorosBot

    From the ad, "Personhood is the new civil rights movement for the 21st century." AH GAH NO YOU MORONS. You are campaigning against civil rights for women, HOW DARE YOU compare your tyrannical campaign for forced childbirth to the Civil Rights movement. You are working against civil rights, HOW DARE YOU!

    P.S. Go fuck yourselves.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Do the Zygotes also get a conceal carry permit?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Wow. Where do I hide my daughters?

    • MissTaken

      Not in your womb.

    • Crank_Tango

      Well, my address is:
      …oh wait, that was a rhetorical question? Désolé maman !

    • fuflans

      canada.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I hear New Zealand is nice.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I am going to Tulsa and creating 10,000,000 registered voters in one Kleenex. They will vote for me.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And in the race to the lowest common denominator, Virginia is not far behind:

    Legislation that says human life begins at conception advanced Monday in the Virginia House of Delegates, which also rejected an amendment aimed at clarifying that birth control would remain legal.

    Get your abortions while you can, ladies!

    • Radiotherapy

      Wooks, not to get all serious and sciency, but won't this be fun when they learn that half of all conceptions fail au natural?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Or, as we'll soon know it, through negligent homicide.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Women have already been tried in the U.S. for "feticide" for having a miscarriage while using drugs or, in one case in Alabama, losing a baby during a suicide attempt. A significant segment of the War on Drugs crowd is in favor of this as a "preventive measure" to discourage young women from using.

          • comrad_darkness

            Because of smaller government and more freedums, right?

        • 40 or 50 % McShineys

          The only solution left for them: God's gonna have to get charged with murder.

    • SorosBot

      It's nice of the wingnuts, to pass clearly unconstitutional legislation that their states will have to waste a bunch of resources defending until they're tossed out by the courts.

      • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        This defines Kris Kobach's gravy train.

      • Swampgas_Man

        You're sure the Roberts court will throw this stuff out?

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Hey Wooks, are you familiar with the Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk? Back in the sixties the GA essentially helped found it, and it's where pioneering work on IVF has been going on since the seventies. The first IVF baby was born there around 1980. One wonders what happens to the ongoing work there if this bill goes through. It's tragic that this current crop of legislators has gone so retrograde on issues of women's health and reproductive freedom, considering the state's history of support in those areas.

  • Chichikovovich

    This means that, yes, fertilized eggs shall have “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

    Well, yeah, but frankly that's a much less attractive offer since they banned eating fetus meat.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      No fetuses in the zygote's food! It's against the constitooshun.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Judging from his picture, Brian Crain is likely looking to use this bill to expand the pool of youngs he can molest.

    • YasserArraFeck

      That's his "O Face"

    • tessiee

      Or make into burgers.

      • LagunaB

        I make really good burgers but I use onions.

    • comrad_darkness

      Clearly someone in that state needs to make gluttony not only a sin, but also illegal and subject to body cavity searches. See how it feels to have the government prodding your body, motherfucker.

  • poncho_pilot

    Brian Crain? more like Cryin' Brain, amirite?

    • SorosBot

      Or more like Brain Drain.

    • BornInATrailer

      And Mary Failin

    • Swampgas_Man

      The brain in Crain is mainly on the wane.

  • ElPinche

    Looks like I need to mail in my gym sock to the Oklahoma authorities , its dripping with zygotes. I blame Christina Hendricks for my genocide.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Do men really use socks? Cuz I find that strange, and a little gross.

      • ElPinche

        Normally no….there's prep work even for a dry guy.

  • prommie

    Can the mother sue the zygote for payment of rent, and board? If the zygote fails to pay rent, or fails to answer the summons, can the mother have the zygote evicted?

    Man, I am a good lawyer. Took me less than five minutes to find the loophole, abortion is now illegal in Oklahoma, but on the other hand, now you can evict the deadbeat fetuses!

    • ph7

      In ironic response, Inhofe will socialize uteruses and subject them to rent control and Section 8 rental subsidies.

    • tessiee

      If the feti can't show a green card, can it be deported?

      • GOPCrusher

        ANCHOR FETUS LIBEL !!1!1

      • CivicHoliday

        Orly Taitz must personally certify every fetus pre-birth certificate

  • Steverino247

    The solution to this is simple. Move out of Oklahoma if you can. Boycott anything doing business there and tell them why. Pressure the Feds to close bases and other facilities there. Post warning signs just across the border. If you have to drive through the state, be very careful not to speed. If you're a single female, find a mate in some other state. No happy endings in OK anymore. Done.

    • prommie

      Abstaining from all things Oklahoma-ish is not going to take much sacrifice for the average person, you realize?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        What is in Oklahoma, anyway?

      • HistoriCat

        DustBowlBlues libel!

    • Steverino247

      Here's the expenditure numbers for 1997: http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/facility/o

      Here's something more recent: http://militarybases.com/oklahoma/

      If all that left the state, here's what's left: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oklahoma

      Fun fact: There are more registered Democrats in OK than any other party. So, get to work and vote these assholes out of office, boys and girls.

    • LagunaB

      Baby time is over for me, then what? Do I get shot on sight? No zygotes for me.
      And I don't stop in VA because I don't have a gun and therefore feel naked.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Today we are all diploid cells!

  • tessiee

    So, that makes me a Capricorn?
    Oh, HELL no!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Got something against Capricorns?…

      • tessiee

        On the minus side, NO sign is as charming as Libras. Also, December 26 has to be the worst possible day of the year to have as a birthday.
        On the plus side, if I *were* a Capricorn instead of a Libra, I probably wouldn't be such a broke-ass failure.
        Snarkless, both my best friend and my boyfriend are Capricorns and are the nicest people anyone could ever hope to meet.

        • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

          both my best friend and my boyfriend are Capricorns

          Agreed: Capricorns make good lovers, in my experience. But I've gone awry of astrolo-protocol in finding, as a Leo myself, I'm not that averse to Leo's among the men I've kept company with either.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Jesus was a Capricorn.

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        But all the awesome people are Virgos. Hmmph.

  • YasserArraFeck

    It's funny how they can look all grown up on the outside and still have brains at the four-cell stage………what to do with all that extra space in their skulls?

  • Baconzgood

    They are shooting themselves in the foot. It will go to court anc because Roe V. Wade it will back fire on them. Morans.

    • Swampgas_Man

      They don't really care if it's overturned or not; the prime reason is to be able to point to a piece of shit "legislation" that "sends a message", not to actually accomplish anything.

    • sharethegrief

      Roe has been chipped and sliced away at for years. In a number of states there are 24 hour waiting periods. If you have to travel any distance to get to a clinic, then you're looking at an overnight stay somewhere. Ask a poor woman how this affects her pocketbook. Vaginal probes are now law in several states. Reproductive rights have never been more threatened than now.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Good. The sooner zygotes become people the sooner we can all stop caring about them.

    • SorosBot

      Hey, they already also want to make sure the pregnant woman isn't entitled to proper prenatal care if she wants the pregnancy; they're just making sure that she goes through with it whether she wants to or not.

  • sharethegrief

    There isn't a punishment cruel enough for a woman governor who signs this bill.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Except several unwanted pregnancies.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What makes you think that?

  • neiltheblaze

    Every zygote is a corporation!

    • freakishlywrong

      Zygotes are people, my friend.

      • jakegittes

        Corporations are zygotes, my friend.

        Socrates was a zygote.
        Zygotes are corporations.
        Therefore, Socrates was a corporation.
        Q.E.D.

  • spinozasgod

    What should the zygotes call their Super-PAC?

    • ChernobylSoup

      SimilacPac

  • Schmegeg

    But you will get NO FUCKING BREAKFAST.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Travel is going to be a pain in the ass when I need a passport for each egg in my ovaries.

    • prommie

      Your a chick? Wow.

      • BigDumbRedDog

        No wow. It's pretty common, actually.

        • prommie

          Chicks named Clifford aren't common. Dudes, on the other hand, are a persecuted minority.

          • BigDumbRedDog

            No, thats clifford's twin sister Gertrude. If you look really close you can see her big red vagina.

          • faster_kittycat

            Big Red Vagina — the best band name ever!

            Also, too — are the eggs in my ovaries dependents? If so, I can haz tax deductions?

  • YasserArraFeck

    No Facebook for the Little Guy/Gal until you can shove a vaginal probe*-shaped keyboard up there…….and a light.

    *A "Virginia Periscope"

  • neiltheblaze

    So – does every woman who has a miscarriage have to face an inquest now?

    • prommie

      This happens; Florida has prosecuted women who abused drugs during pregnancy.

      • sharethegrief

        Hell, you don't even need to abuse drugs. You can fall down a flight of stairs and be prosecuted.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Amanda Kimbrough, now facing a 10-year sentence if her case is not reversed on appeal, is one at least 40 women tried so far in Alabama. Her baby was delivered by prematurely in 2008 and died 19 minutes after birth. Six months later Kimbrough was arrested at home and charged with “chemical endangerment” of her unborn child on the grounds that she had taken drugs during the pregnancy – a claim she has denied. If jailed she will leave three children at home without a mother. http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2011/07/01/25682

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          It boggles the mind.

        • GOPCrusher

          Another example of Love The Fetus. Hate The Child. Go to prison for endangering your fetus, while your three children go without a mother.

    • Nostrildamus

      Not every woman. Just one of very dark character, if you know what I mean. Prosecutorial disgression, you know.

    • Sassomatic

      You joke, and yet my authoritarian-Chritianity-loving cousin in Mississippi believes that women should be investigated when they have miscarriages, and those who object are obviously hiding something.

    • comrad_darkness

      If you are going full talibanical, yes.

  • slithytoves

    Some seriously funny comments in this post. Best in a while – many upfists to you all!

  • MissTaken

    I would like to introduce Wonkett's newest commenter SorosBot Jr. He's just a zygote and can neither speak or type due to lack of brain, hands, or mouth, but he (or maybe she, we have no idea and won't know for several more months!) has "all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents" including the right to make comments about stupid-ass laws that can never be enforced and are therefore written purely to keep women subservient to men.

    Welcome, SorosBot Jr!

    • SorosBot

      And this is how you tell me?!? Great, and I had thought our faith-based birth control (that's prayer that you don't get pregnant for everyone else) was going to work. I guess god's forsaken us a bit here.

      Oh well, at least we didn't use any of that sinful birth control; then we'd heading for hell.

      • SorosBot Jr

        Daddy?

        • SorosBot

          Listen, you're gonna gave to earn your keep around here, little blastocyst; on Newt's suggestion I'll be looking into a janitorial position.

          • SorosBot Jr

            Can I borrow the Porsche tonite?

          • SorosBot

            Not until you have arms and legs, and can reach the wheel! How are you gonna drive when you're only 0' .0004" tall?

          • MissTaken

            Hey, just because the zygote has my lack of height doesn't mean you have to be mean to it!

          • SorosBot

            Aw, don't worry honey; with my height genes, I'm sure Jr! will tower over you by the time he or she grows up. But it has to develop a basic skeletal structure first.

          • SorosBot Jr

            Daddy, why is your "p"ness bigger than mine?

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Thumbs up for this entire conversation. Teh wonkette has achieved hitherto unknown heights of absurdity, and that is saying quite a bit.

          • SorosBot

            I do wish they still did comment of the day / win of the afternoon, because I think MissTaken deserves it for this (though obviously I'm biased).

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Jesus, there are more "personas" floating around here than a Parliament-Funkadelic concert!!

    • BigDumbRedDog

      I just looked at sorosbot jr's avatar under my microscope. Cute!

      • SorosBot Jr

        The Heisenberg Uncertainty About Paternity Principle.

      • SorosBot

        And he/she still hasn't differentiated or implanted yet!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Here's a mop, Junior. Earn your keep

    • Radiotherapy

      The good news lil' SorosBot Jr,: you have a 50% chance of surviving. The bad news: you have a 50% chance of dying before you've even developed gills, and then mommy and her doctor are going to the Megaplex Prison.

    • Radiotherapy

      I noticed that SorosBot Jr doesn't have a period.

      • tessiee

        Maybe that means its a boy.

      • MissTaken

        It's actually SorosBot Jr! because we are so happy!

    • Baconzgood

      WHEW *wipes forehead*.

    • Nostrildamus

      Congratulations, Jr, on your gastrulation day!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Mazel tov! Do you know if you're going to raise him Ginger?

    • Steverino247

      I go out for a ball rub and look what happens while I'm gone…

  • Ancient_Hacker

    Interesting– apparently the bill writers don't know much about Biology.

    About 4 out of 5 zygotes never implant into the uterus, so I guess if you follow this bill, 80% of zygotes die and should have funerals, and the mother should be charged with infanticide.

    • prommie

      God is still allowed to kill 3/4ths of all the people ever created. That part is fine.

    • An_Outhouse

      Actually, God is to blame. Just the Christian one – the Muslim God says to let the little tykes ripen a bit before they're referred to as little tykes.

      • MosesInvests

        In Jewish tradition, life begins at *birth*.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          What a concept.

    • Chichikovovich

      I guess sexually active women in Oklahoma will have to wear little devices to catch and retain any errant slippery little snowflake baby that doesn't grab on tight when passing through the uterus. The devices will need to be microscopically examined several times daily to make sure some negligent homicide doesn't take place. But I'm sure Oklahoman women are A-OK with this.

      • tessiee

        Don't worry, the ultrasound dealies are ready even as we speak.

        • Chichikovovich

          Oh, I'm sure of it. And in a remarkable coincidence, the spouses of most of the lawmakers started up ultrasound wand-distributing businesses and for-profit microscopic examination labs just a few months ago.

      • SorosBot

        They've got to inspect every period to make sure it's not an early miscarriage.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Oh crap. Now the Westboro Baptist Church will be boycotting zygote funerals.

    • faster_kittycat
      • sharethegrief

        Devery Doleman is my new heroine.

  • Lucidamente1

    How am I going to find that many Social Security Numbers ever time I fap? (Yeah, yeah, I know, fertilized eggs, but if birth control pills cause prostate cancer—look it up*—then you better get all the little guys their papers.)

    * http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/17/birth-co

  • Tommmcattt

    Do these rights extend to gamete containers? Because my nutsack needs a government loan.

    Half-a-person should have half the rights, right?

  • YasserArraFeck

    So, a twist on the old conundrums:
    How many Okies can dance on the head of a pin?
    If 300 million Okies shoot through the air in a forest, can anyone hear them scream when they splatter on the ground?

    • Barrelhse

      Grasshoppah, what is the sound of one hand fapping?

    • tessiee

      And how soon can we find out the answer to the latter question?

    • Isyaignert

      I'm curious, let's find out! But, please don't shoot BartCop – http://www.bartcop.com – he's one cool Okie.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Time for some cheers for the Repugs making contraception the battle royal for 2012.

    Here! Here! Here!

    • Nostrildamus

      Really like the Bachmann arc in the 2nd cartoon!

    • prommie

      Apparently they believed it was time for a stupid and futile gesture, and that they were just the men to do it.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

        And that their beloved Mrs. Rethuglican would do her master's bidding in the voting booth.

  • freakishlywrong

    Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ. These people. (and zygotes).

    • OneDollarJuana

      If you just stick to tittyfucking you'll be fine.

  • OneDollarJuana

    The stupid stick are huge in Oklahoma, it seems. This law, if enacted, would seem to require:

    – the death penalty for women who have abortions, and the person who helped them, as the murder was clearly premeditated.
    – murder investigations for every miscarriage.
    – child sexual molestation investigations of every man who has sex with a pregnant woman, because he was thrusting his turgid manhood within mere inches of a minor.
    – child abuse investigations for any pregnant woman who has an alcoholic drink or tobacco product, because she is providing those intoxicants to a minor.
    – liquor license suspension investigations for any bar staff who serve a pregnant woman alcoholic drinks for the same reason.
    – etc.

    • tessiee

      "- child sexual molestation investigations of every man who has sex with a pregnant woman, because he was thrusting his turgid manhood within mere inches of a minor"

      Back in the days when I worked in a teaching hospital, one of the nurses was a no-nonsense good ol' gal. Another of our co-workers was pregnant, and confided that she was nervous about having sex.
      Nervous Preggo: I mean, what if IT goes all the way up there and hits the baby?
      Good Ol' Gal [laughing]: Aw, in your DREAMS!!

      • user-of-owls

        You two are making turgid sound all dirty and such.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Oh, go fuck a zygote.

  • hilbillyheroine

    I live here, and we have just entered "The Handmaid's Tale".

    • comrad_darkness

      We have a spare room…

  • Fare la Volpe

    That egg's looking pretty trampy. She should have expected to be raped by that sperm.

    • SorosBot

      She was asking for it, wearing that skimpy little cell wall.

      • Fare la Volpe

        And once she becomes a zygote, I bet she'll be flashing her cleavage indeterminately.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      As long as she doesn't get raped too much.

  • HeadsIWin

    My sperm is smarter than any of you libtards and it shoots back!

  • stooshie

    Presumably they have all the responsibilities of a full blown person as well. Also, will their age be in negative numnbers?

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    If eugenics was actually practiced, Brian Crain wouldn't exist.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Yet another triumph of ideology over common sense. I hope the state feels compelled to provide prenatal care to all its new citizens.

    • Chichikovovich

      They don't feel compelled to provide postnatal care, do they? Why should those little parasites get any better treatment than anybody else?

    • tessiee

      Ahahaha!
      You funny.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Nebraska is looking pretty fucking cooler every day!

  • user-of-owls

    “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

    I can't wait until some beaner lawyer points out to these sharpies that "illegals" meet a minimum of two of those three criteria. Plus, they're differentiated!

    • Chichikovovich

      Crap, that's a good point. All undocumented residents are ripened fertilized eggs! And with all the rights of citizens, by law.

      God it's great to have you back.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    So if a woman has a problem pregnancy and the fetus kills her, will it be tried as an adult?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I have to give kudos for the picture and alt text. They are gggrrreeeaattt!

    • tessiee

      Explain?
      The alt text on mine says a/s/l, and the only thing I can think of is American Sign Language, and I'm pretty sure it's not that, because Sammy Sperm and Olivia Ovum don't got hands.

      • SorosBot

        That's age/sex/location; and was common back in the chatrooms of the early days of the internet.

        • SayItWithWookies

          For real?! I thought it was a play on DSL (check UrbanDictionary), and I was wracking my brain to figure out what the zygotic equivalent of the D was — the nearest I've been able to come to it was the archenteron, though that's not quite the same.

  • Terry

    So, a zygote counts as a person but a Black or Native person still ain't quite equal, huh?

    • tessiee

      Neither is a Woman-American, apparently.

  • Chichikovovich

    “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

    So I suppose this means that citizenship begins at conception! Bring on the anchor zygotes!

    This means some serious anchor-zygote action too, since the parent doesn't even have to enter the US. Just ship the frozen eggs and sperm to a fertility clinic in Tulsa, effect the miraculous creation of the 'lil dividers, and ship the frozen zygotes back for implantation.

  • http://archikvetch.blogspot.com/ archikvetch

    Can the Mormons baptise enough of the dead ones and claim they voted for Romney? Oh fiddlesticks! They haven't even reached age of consent, let alone emanicpation of ability to vote. Oh well, at least they'll all get SS#s right? Oh God the stupid!

    • http://archikvetch.blogspot.com/ archikvetch

      Oops – that was supposed to be in reply to comment that 80% of zygotes don't implant. And I wonder if 80% of politicians heads in the Sooner State were damaged from conception or if it was environmental

  • An_Outhouse

    This is plain wrong. Never eat a fetus before its time. Eating zygotes is like having veal.

    • tessiee

      Try the bacon-wrapped zygotes; if those are wrong, I don't want to be right.

  • mrsbitch

    I'm so sick of this shit I don't even have any snark left in me about it. From now on, once the goddamned 2-celled, fully-human blob is formed, let's make sure the fathers also get in on the wonder of the life they've created. They can pay halvsies on all of the testing and doctor's appointments. They should be tested for drugs to make sure they weren't pre-abusing their pre-progeny. They should be named on legal documents as the father and held accountable for fully half of any expenses the woman needs to pay out of pocket for all prenatal care. They should undergo a battery of invasive medical tests to ensure that they aren't passing some cooties on to this poor unsuspecting new person.

    I just figured out why Teapublicans are soooooo fucking protective of these zygotes. The zygotes don't have brains yet so they're identifying them as Republican.

    AAAAAAaaaaaauuuuggggghhh!! Pant, pant, wheeze.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Zygotes are organizing a Quadrillion Zygote March on Washington for even more rights!

    • faster_kittycat

      Do they get half fare on the Metro?

  • SorosBot Jr

    Where's the Jobs!!1!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Is it time for the GOP Candidates to take a critical look at Women's Sufferage or Women Driving???

  • tessiee

    It's times like these that I'm glad I live in this once great country, surrounded on both sides by mighty oceans. It makes it impossible to hear the other countries laughing at us.

    • Chichikovovich

      [No snark or only residual traces; alien half of Chichikovovich speaking] I'm not going to lie to you, as you know the world's non-American minority does like to have its fun with the ol' US of A. Ben oui, there's the Freedom Fries, and Sarah Palin, and easily mocked insularity (even from Obama – "the only country where a story like mine is possible." but I'm guessing that he knew how silly this is, but decided it was too good a political winner to pass up) and jingoism.

      But stuff like this just leaves us – the hundreds or perhaps even thousands of non-Americans in the world – troubled and incomprehending.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        The UK's Guardian has always covered the anti-choice movement much more comprehensively than any news outlet in our country that I could name.

      • poncho_pilot

        there are other countries? fuck. i don't know what that means for us but…fuck.

  • tessiee

    I predict a severe spike in aspirin sales.

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    The good news here is that booze will be outlawed as a potential abortifacient.

  • Wilcoxyz

    This is good news for some folks' tax deductions. I could see a bunch of zygotes lowering my state tax bill considerably.

  • tessiee

    "or performing in vitro fertilization"

    No, because that results in MORE of the precious Jesus babbys. Science is only bad when it results in FEWER pjbs; if it results in MORE, a la the Duggers, all that "God's will" crapolla goes right out the window.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      But IVF inevitably results in large numbers of fertilized eggs that are not implanted (aka "flushed"). Their rights are just as inalienable as those of the lucky one selected for implantation.

    • prommie

      Oh, no Tessie, they hate IVF, because it results in surplus people that are never implanted, they are usually frozen, these extra fertilized eggs, and there are groups among the fetus-worshippers who try to "liberate" the frozen zygotes, which they call 'snowflake babies," and then find mothers who will agree to be implanted with them so they can be born. Fucking insane motherfucking shit.

  • iburl

    Latisse is now available for zygotes!

  • MinAgain

    Sing with me!

    I'm proud to be a zygokie from Muskogee…

  • http://wonkette.com/ yellowerdog

    Ok, so a zygote is a person. A corporation is a person. Let's apply personal income tax rates – volila no deficit!

  • pinkocommi

    Ergo, every moment we choose to not have heterosexual sex, we are killing a person by not conceiving them?

    No more putting aspirin between your knees, people. It's murder!

  • Antispandex

    Zygotes – People
    Corporations – People
    Adults without property or papers – NOT people

    Welcome to Teapublican America, and it's mind numbing "logic".

  • DaRooster

    “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

    Like Social Security, Medicare and Food Stamps… cool.

  • rickmaci

    “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.” So zygotes should be entitled to inherit property? Let's say mom and dad had a little fertility issue they fixed with a bit of in vitro. Now they die. Does that mean we can never settle their estate because I have these little cryonic sibling critters? Or do we just count them up and divide the estate accordingly? Somebody who went to law school and actually understands the Rule Against Perpetuities is going to have to explain to me how this works.

  • tessiee

    Don't we all feel better knowing our tax pennies are going to pay the salaries for shit like this?

  • Naked_Bunny

    fertilized eggs shall have “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

    This certainly will become interesting when random Oklahomans start asserting their right to feed off a woman's blood against her will.

  • pinkocommi

    "all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state"

    But the gay zygotes still cannot marry each other.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    I'll believe zygotes are people when they have cell phones.

    • tessiee

      As a friend of mine says, "In the Jewish faith, the fetus becomes a person when it is accepted to Med School".

      • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

        My favorite Sarah Silverman joke: "I was raped by a doctor, so I had mixed feelings."

        [Also, too, did you see what I did there? Zygotes, cells, &c &c.]

  • Naked_Bunny

    I'm pretty sure this law is sponsored by commercial prison interests. After all, the prison population will soon explode as all the women who have miscarriages or whose fertilized eggs fail to implant are jailed for manslaughter.

  • pinkocommi

    "all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state"

    Well, my 38-year-old ova are old enough to drink and so they plan to get so hammered tonight they forget that Oklahoma and the stupid people rumored to live there even exist. Come to think of it, my ova haven't seen enough evidence to be convinced that Oklahoma and its stupid citizens exist and are starting to think that someone is making this shit up just to fuck with us.

  • BlueStateLibel

    I still don't understand then what they would do with all of the in vitro zygotes. Kidnap women and forcibly implant them into them? Damn, forget I said that, that probably sounds like a great idea to them.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state”

    How about responsibilities? If one of those cute little unborn is kicking it's mother nearly to death from the inside can it be charged with assault?

    (On the plus side, maybe the mother can charge it rent.)

  • DetectiveGrey

    Hey, Wonkers, snark-free question here:

    Does this mean women on the pill would be held liable for the death of an unborn child? My understanding of non-morning-after birth control pills is that conception occurs but the fertilized zygote doesn't bind to the uteral tissue. A particularly liberal (how ironic) interpretation of this law could mean that because conception occurs at this point, charges could be levied against a woman for having unprotected sex while on the pill. The actual text of the law doesn't have any kind of protections against this, either.

    So am I wrong? Are they effectively outlawing unprotected sex or even semi-permanent (the shot, the strip, IUDs) birth control by doing this?

    • SorosBot

      It's misconception (pun unintended), the pill actually prevents fertilization not just implantation; but it's common enough that I pretty much expect the woman-haters to use this to try and attack the pill too.

    • MissTaken

      Birth control pills (which the morning-after pill is made of, just a higher dose) do prevent an egg to be released during what would be ovulation. This is done by tricking the body to thinking it is already pregnant. No egg released = no fertilization.

      But sometimes that fails so in addition to stopping ovulation, the pill also changes the pH level of the vagina so sperm are killed off before they make it to a potentially released egg. No sperm = no fertilized egg. BUT if an egg is released *and* the sperm actually swim all the way to it then the pill also changes the chemical makeup of the uterus to make the lining not conducive to implantation, therefore a fertilized egg will just pass through when the woman is having her period with no idea that it was ever fertilized in the first place.

      The third effect of the pill is why people consider the pill an "abortion" since it prevents implantation of a fertilized egg as a last resort.

  • Sassomatic

    I'll believe zygotes are people when Texas executes one, or some such.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    The little Zygote will have all the protection and rights provided by its GOP benefactors… well, up to the point where it sticks its gooey head out of mom's vagina. After that, the little fucker is on its own.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    I almost forgot:

    Oh, for fuck's sake!

  • user-of-owls

    Maw, maw, where's my paw?
    Look in the microscope,
    haw, haw, haw.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    BTW, I can only hope that shit like this and Virginia's equivalent will serve as a gruesome reminder to the "disaffected", or "I only vote in Presidential elections", or "There's no difference between the parties", or "Gee, it's kinda inconvenient" non-voters that this is what happens when you don't fucking vote in off-year elections.

    I'll admit to being a bit "disaffected" myself, but it didn't prevent me from voting in 2010, even though I now live in a pretty red district — even when you know your candidate is going to lose, it's worth keeping the margin as close as possible. It may prevent the winner from thinking "MANDATE", or even slightly influence the selection of the next bad-guy candidate.

    Voting only in the hope of moderating the wackiness of Republicans is weak sauce, indeed, but it is sometimes all we can do. When the asshole start to feel invulnerable, you get overreach as we are now seeing up and down the political hierarchy.

  • chascates

    Polar bears, whales, and amphibians can disappear. The earth itself can heat up with disastrous consequences. But if one sperm fertilizes one egg it's time for the Religious Police to get involved.

  • MissTaken

    ♫ This little zygote of mine
    I'm gonna make it shine ♫

  • Naked_Bunny

    Can an Oklahoman run for President if he doesn't have a conception certificate?

  • ShaveTheWhales

    This is really gonna fuck up Oklahoma's infant-mortality statistics.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Who gives a shit? If we don't lead in that particular category we have to be no lower than third.

      And what happens when you get born in Oklahoma? "Fuck you, loser. If you were so damn dumb you couldn't figure out how to be born to a One percenter, you can't expect us to use our hard earned money in taxes to educate you, to protect you from predator relatives or mommy's new boyfriend or to test for lead in the water you're drinking We can afford to buy all the the things you expect to get and more so we don't need that shit's that's free to you."

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    If either Frothy or Mittens get a first ballot, looks like it will be oocyte / chattel 2012.

  • comrad_darkness

    Whatever. I had no plans to move to Oklahoma anyway, nor plans to travel anywhere near it.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    In preparation for a similar law taking effect in Texas, Rick Perry has ordered the manufacturing of teeny tiny lethal injection syringes.

  • fartknocker

    So if get Social Security numbers for each of my little zygotes, can I use them as a deduction on my taxes?

  • MUHAMMED_PBUH

    There are hundreds of thousands of frozen human embryos in fertility clinics around the country, some of them dating back to the 1980s and potentially still viable. If I bring them into Oklahoma will they be eligible to receive food stamps, welfare and housing assistance? Will they get to vote? If I culture a pluripotent embryonic stem cell line from them, can I create my own voting bloc? After 22 cell divisions they will outnumber all Oklahoma residents; I think my first act as governor-senator will be to implement shariah law.

  • C_R_Eature

    Well dammit! There goes my whole plan for franchise Fetusiajita Food Trucks and the Soylent Fetus Cafe'. I had a business plan and everything. Shit!

    When, oh when will we do something about these Job Killing Regulations?

  • tessiee

    Shorter: Everything except a woman is a person.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Enjoy your future, kiddies (and by kiddies I mean everyone from tail-end boomers on down to the Tosh 2.0 generation), re-fighting all the battles you took for granted while you were running around not voting, not paying attention and not believing there was any difference who's in charge. This includes you, feminist-label-avoiding ladies!

  • horsedreamer_1

    This is going to give new life to Jim Breuer's career.

  • stanpan

    As an Okie, the saddest part of this is that it's not surprising in the least. The legislature has been infested with fanatics for years, and our teatard governor will be sure to sign off on any crazy shit they send her way. Any relocation suggestions, guys?

  • reginagreene

    But didn't they settle this controversy centuries ago? You know, the fact that we all start out as little fully-formed homunculi? My mom always embarrassed me in front of friends by waving around a cute picture of me in my homunculus stage, no more than a micron or two high and already looking disappointed with my lot. (Although I must admit that the zygote in the picture accompanying this story is, well, strangely hot. Is she….attached?)

    • DustBowlBlues

      One kid emailed the ultrasound of the new baby. I didn't open the attachment that contained the first "baby picture."

  • DustBowlBlues

    I've lost count of how many of my wokette weekends have begun with my beloved home state doing something freshly batshit It doesn't seem that this bullshit can be real. But then I go downtown in my 2,000 pop. town and have to have social exchanges. That's enough to remind me of how ignorant and backward my neighbors are. No wonder I'm a recluse.

  • miked420

    Speaking of which, I'm fucking starving. Anybody got any zygotes in the fridge?

  • poncho_pilot

    thank you. i'm here all week!

    martini? yes. no olive, though. but a dash of stem cells would be a nice touch.

  • ttommyunger

    Oklahomans are people, my friend; moronic people, but people.

  • doubleohmonkey

    “all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

    Sweet! Anchor-zygotes!

  • snoopyfan2010

    Does this mean that if a man has sex with someone, he owes child support starting from conception?

  • RoscoeDomino

    Will barbershops be murder factories?

  • CivicHoliday

    This is great news for back-alley abortions! You can't be charged for murder as long as you claim that you were simply offering your new zygote house guest a hanger upon which to rest his jacket.