This ancient billionaire coot with the game show host grin is Foster Friess, the big bucks behind some Rick Santorum Super PAC, and he would like to tell you that America is far too obsessed with the fictional problem of reproductive health and not nearly concerned enough with the very real and urgent problem of “jihadist camps being set up in Latin America.” That is a good story! Tell us another story, old-timer! “Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly,” he explains. Oooh, so that’s how the baby boomer generation happened. The more you know!
Poor Andrea Mitchell makes a face like she’s been slapped and asks for a second to recover her breath. Understandably, since the entire interview is the sort of nightmare you envision when you think about trying to make it through the holiday meal with grandpa sans booze. [YouTube]
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Apparently the men of the era shoved willow branches up their asses.
You mean they fell on a stick while walking their dog.
(actual excuse used in a local hospital)
Oh christ, who the fuck did he think he was kidding?
There was another guy that fell on his "Bowflex"…
The worst part was the guy was about 350 pounds… at least he was using the Bowflex for something.
Remind me to tell you the story of Couch Woman, one of these days when we're in need of a, uh, lift.
You'd be amazed at how much that enhances your organism. Among other things, of course.
With a slight mod to the "Rule of Thumb" rule, prolly…
As was the fashion at the time. Give me 5 branches for a quarter we'd say…
I heard if he’d put aspirin between his teeth, he’d shut the fuck up.
I'd like to shove an Alka-Seltzer up his anus.
Turns frothy into fizzy.
plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what an asshole he is!
Or better yet, shove it up his urethra.
Ouch.
Damnnnnn! If I ever piss you off, just tell me – ok? We can work it out.
Good way to augment the Santorum.
Har-dee-har-har, Foster!
That was a real knee-slapper!
Were they baby aspirin?
too soon!
.
Fetus aspirin.
Little, yellow, different, better.
Those little yellow pills are stealing jerbs from the white ones!
That's what Pete Hoekstra asked for.
Sampson :: Hair =/= Barb :: Uterus.
Still goin' strong!
Awww:: love= / = You!
Andrea Mitchell does the slappin' usually. Just ask Alan Greenspan.
I am so goddamned sick of old white men in this country telling us that ladies are just too whorey to take care of themselves. Once, just once, I'd like to see a talking head telling men to keep it in their pants.
Or, shock! How about we stop legislating outdated moral outrage and start giving women rights over their own bodies?
WUT? Hey! A MAN might want to use those bodies, you hapless female!
Damn, who unchained those gals and took the ballgags out?
SORRY I DON'T GET IT
makes sure ladies keep their legs closed. this was seriously what he said on television.
Oh, right……I see now. Men see the door is closed so they never think of going in through a window.
Or circling the house to find the back door.
I usually try the backdoor first. That's just me.
Well women just love to hear "Can I do it in your butt?", trust me on this one.
Used to making deliveries at the tradesmen's entrance, eh?
Pick the lock! Or just kick the door down! I mean she's practically asking for it!
Please, like that fat old turd has had the opportunity to be anything BUT celibate since the Eisenhower administration.
He didn't say the joke correctly. You take an aspirin for birth control. You are supposed to hold it between your knees constantly. This passed for humor way beck when the Mastodons pranced across the earth.
Before doggie style was invented.
Why, the very IDEA of doggystyle would give the old timers a brain-numbing stroke!! Just like Joe Paterno's innocent, trusting ears were so violated at the very IDEA of a man fucking a boy that he was silent about it for an entire decade!
Mastodon-style?
You're right, I didn't get it. But now I do. And I hate it even more.
Nothing breeds contempt like understanding.
"Back in my day, we just roped their legs together. Worked like a charm! Made it a little hard for them to move about the kitchen, though."
I hate that man.
LOLA, could we stop talking about my age, please?
Too bad a mastodon didn't prance across old Foster Freeze. What a shame he didn't understand it was his own fat self that kept the "gals" holding their li'l ol' slutty legs together.
You almost have to wonder how come someone who would NEVAH get laid if he didn't have a fuckin' shitload of money has the fuckin' brass monkey balls to be telling the rest of us about fucking.
Neither does he.
"Make 'em knock-knee'd, then they won't get knocked-up!" Simple, right?
How did that work when they were totally shitfaced on Lydia Pinkham?
Is that like a lesbian Cleveland Steamer?
We'll drink a drink a drink
To Lily the Pink the Pink the Pink
Saviour of the human race
For she invented
Medicinal compound
Most efficacious in every case
I wonder what the women did after the beatings they received for trying to be cute with the old aspirin-between-the-knees trick? Also the rapes they should have expected…
Don't worry, they didn't get abortions; just sent away to Aunt Millie's for a month or so.
No, Aunt Millie was a monthly visitor, unless the aspirin failed.
They did get abortions. A hot gin bath.
http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/66/
Fascinating!
Thanks!
Delicious wheat bread libel!
This was before they could file EEO complaints about being "raped too much," according to Liz the Trotter.
Well now, as long as they weren't raped too much…
"Rapes they expected" has a ring similar to "cakes we like". Any surprise that CakeFarts.com is a thing, then?
and Cookie-Puss is a cake…I dunno where Fudgie the Whale fits into all of this but…
OK, I'm not — for the first time in like fucking FOREVAH — I'm not gonna look that up.
OK, maybe I am. But not today, at least.
Papa Bear, as kinky a bastard as you are, Cake Farts would be right up your alley.
A'ight, a'ight awreddy, I'm'a geddonit.
Bet it's in the updated Encyclopedia of Unusual Sexual Practices.
You know what this guy should hold between his knees? A shot gun.
He's so fucking stupid he'd probably point it in the wrong direction and shoot a hole in the floor instead of blowing his big, empty head off like he's supposed to.
I was kinda hoping he'd find some way to point it at his balls and blow THOSE off instead. Because, you know, it's not as if blowing his head off is going to do him any harm. He's not using it for anything.
He should change his name to Freedom Friess, for American Liberty.
Like that geezer ever actually got near a red snapper.
Reminds me of the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.
Now in those days, a turkey was known as… a Walkin' Bird. We'd have Walkin' Bird with all the trimmings — cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder…
"Shit my Dad Says" redux? Seriously though, Latin American jihadist camps? How does he know, has he seen them? If so why is he not on the no-fly list. Paranoid old fucks being paranoid old fucks….damn.
Dammit! And all this time I've been putting the aspirin in the crook of my elbow. KNEES, now you tell me!
that's to prevent handjobs.
Instead you wantonly open your legs and allow yourself to have and give pleasure, when you should be listening to this fat old man and keeping yourself pure for that eventual husband with whom you will have procreational-only sex that's really awkward because you're both virgins and have no idea what you're doing.
Q: What do you call Christian foreplay?
A: Marriage.
yeah but on the upside, you will have a shitload of babies.
BABBYS!1!
And then we'll only masturbate when the other is ill and is forced to watch.
"Honey, I know you're running an 103 degree fever and just want to sleep but you need to look at me while I rub my clit. KEEP LOOKING!!"
I could spell your partner, if he gets, you know, tired. Just letting you know.
"we'll only masturbate when the other is ill and is forced to watch."
OK, letting the other person watch you masturbate? I'm OK with.
*Forcing* the other person to watch you masturbate? Seems a bit unnecessary, but *meh* *shrug* I'm game.
Forcing the other person to watch you masturbate when they're ill? OK, now THAT's just downright kinky.
What if one spouse in unable to have sex because of sickness or physical limitations? In this situation, masturbation seems a reasonable option, but we would suggest it is best done in the presence of the spouse. This significantly reduces the chances of wrong thoughts, and allows the partner to be a part of the activity by holding the one masturbating, offering some form of stimulation, or describing what they could be doing if they were both able to have sex.
http://site.themarriagebed.com/sexuality/sexual-p…
You have NO idea how true that is. Where I come from, it is often the case that young people didn't have the first fucking clue what to do or how. The resulting trauma (and I do mean injury to mostly ladyparts) was the best ever argument for just handing these women and their spouses a copy of "Our Bodies Our Selves" with instructions to read the whole fucking thing, but especially the chapters on sex. Vaginal tears, anal tears, abrasions, bleeding, and misery all around.
It's why, as I have said before, two virgins should not have sex with each other. Everyone's first time really should be with someone who know what they are doing and can teach their inexperienced partner; I know I'm glad my first was with a woman who had quite a bit of experience and could show my then-ignorant self what to do.
Amen. I'm pleased as fuck that my first knew what he was doing, because if we had been trying to figure out together some of the insane shit I wanted to try, I guarantee one of us would have ended up in the hospital.
I'm not opposed to harvesting the occasional cherry, but regardless of who the more experienced partner is, I'm in favor of the "campsite rule": Leave it better than you found it.
If you can hold an aspirin between your elbows behind your back, you'll be popular in certain circles.
Or so I've heard.
Also, Mentos and Coke made a damn fine douche.
Why do you think they called "The Freshmaker"?
Fresh goes better. Fresh goes better… With Mentos fresh & full of vaginal blight.
Failing that, Lysol.
{shudder}
"Let's change the subject to…anything else for fuck's sake…"
No no no, back this insanity bus the fuck up. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT IN THE SCREAMING FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?
Damn straight. Be a journalist. Fucking Morry Povich would have handled this properly.
I'm not so sure. Aren't at least half the episodes of his show, "Who's your baby daddy?"
Poor Andrea Mitchell? Where was the bitchslap that this foul asshat so richly deserved. Why must we accept this level of disrespect with no commentary.
Slapping pig-ignorant old fucks is Liberal Bias.
By the time she had figured out his stupid, ancient joke, he had already fled the interview. The lesson: if you want to insult a woman, consult rare old books of Gentlemen's Ribaldry. She'll never know what hit her!
I was watching while it happened. If I knew what Friess meant, she had to have
It's just me that's slow on the up-take, then. I don't process "stupid" very quickly.
She's old enough that she *definitely* knew what he was talking about, because *I* heard that all the time growing up and she's just a bit older than me.
Chics these days, what a bunch of sluts, amirite?
And speaking of WTF…jobless camps being set up in Latin America?!?
Shorter Foster Friess: YER ALL WHORES! FILTHY GOD-DAMNED WHOOOOORES!! NOW QUIT SPREADIN' YER WHORE LEGS AND GO IRON MY SHIRTS!
And make me a sandwich!
Should I make you a sammich first? Hmm, Foster, honey, baby? (curtsies, looks for matches, gasoline)
Always iron their shirts first. It gives you something hot and heavy to whup 'em upside the haid wiv, plus you can tie 'em up pretty handy with the cord for the wrists and the shirtsleeves for the ankles. Use underwear and another long-sleeved shirt for the gag.
*Helpful Tips For Killing Your Boyfriend/Husband*
Yeah, because if there's anything the menfolk hate, it's fucking…
Oh, wait, that can't be right.
I hear Snooki uses a bowling ball.
I thought that was the Situation.
Genius! If there is already something up there, it's harder to get something else in..for some.
As a man I feel moved to opine that I hope I never become as disconnected from reality as some mentally challenged shrivelled nut sacks proudly show themselves to be.
I'm sorry, but my religion doesn't allow aspirin.
Put prayer between your legs… that'll be about all that's left pretty soon anyhow.
Why didn't Freiss just sing "I Got Rhythm"?
Too blah.
This has given me a headache, thankfully there's an aspirin between my knees I can take.
OOPS! Gosh darn it, I just fell on a penis.
They're everywhere, I tells ya! Just today we had the Orkin man come by to spray for penis.
Penis infestation? Cock-roaches?
Penis infestation? Where? How do I ge there?
Relax. CPAC is done for the year.
Well, what did you expect, being in close contact all the time?
You gotta watch your step, girl. Trip and fall, and next thing you know, you done impaled yourself.
"Oops, I Fell On A Penis" was Britney's best work.
"Friess and Santorum": worst dollar menu item ever.
That'd make him a bucket, no?
It's like poutine! Hold the poon.
That avatar is a timeless classic. Nicely done, Annie.
Thank you! They are my new heroes, for their bravery.
His face got like that by swallowing a diaphragm for a headache. Obviously.
Given who she's spent the last 15 years married to, Andrea Mitchell really should be used to the incoherent ramblings of a crazy old man by now.
Andrea Mitchell actually said that she said yes to him although she was not sure he had asked her to marry him.
I so forgot that that I had to look it up. Eww, I think that's the first time I've ever written that in an internet comment, but eww. http://bit.ly/yK2i1a
Turdblossom has faxed this valuable talking point far and wide, so it will be in heavy use.
I'd like to hear this guy's take on global warming.
That has to do with aspirin too.
Well, heh-heh, back in mah day, if it was a warm day, you had yourself some good old fashioned ice cold lemonade. Then you pried that little old Bayhr aspern from between your gal's legs, and by God, you gave her a reason to sweat! Heh-heh. And it wasn't expensive and you didn't need all those environmental whatdoyoucallems, liberal regulatory foolishness.
Anyway, it's February and it's snowing. See?
Actually, the weather here has been fucking crazy. It was really cold a few days ago, but just beautiful, a blue and gold day that looked perfect till you stepped out of the house, when the wind froze your ass. Now it's been *hot* for the past few days, in the mid to high *70s* and everything's blooming. No rain. Normally, this time of year, it's cold, damp, gray, mingy, wet, foggy, rainy, and utterly unbearably wintery and everyone's dying for a warm day of, oh, 55F. I just know a freezing wind will hit next week and kill the camellias. I can feel it in my bones.
What warming? What globe?
I'm pretty sure you can't have global anything when you think the earth is flat.
If we'd just start clogging tailpipes with aspirin…
Five Easy Pieces libel!
Is this the same fecal sculpture who told the "liberal, moderate and conservative" knee-slapper at CPAC, then laughed harder when he realized he was the only one laughing?
Look out behind you, Dennis Miller. Someone's gaining on you.
There's always diet coke: http://het.sagepub.com/content/6/5/395.abstract
Callista's cooter is filled to the brim with aspirin, at least that's what it looks like.
Urgh. You had to use the word "cooter"?
It's an alliteration – I'm working on a kids' book called "Callista's Cooter is Crying".
Ah, you're being literary. Carry on. It's quite sophisticated, now that I read it again.
Thanks. Indeed, there's nothing like throwing around terms like "cooter" and "turd cutter" at a polo match to prove that you belong.
Would you prefer Newt-chute?
Nothing and no one would prefer that.
If she got them from Cindy McCain they aren't aspirin.
Callista's married to Newt; if she has any mind-altering substances (and I hope for her sake that she does), she's not wasting them on her vadge.
I do like Andrea Mitchell having a "Wait, what?" moment. If she'd had a few more of those at home with Alan Greenspan when he was explaining his Ayn Rand-influenced economic theories, maybe the world would not have exploded.
"Okay, girls, I'm going to be doing this . . ."
*unzips pants, makes pelvic thrusting motions*
". . . and if your vagina gets in the way and you get impregnated, it's YOUR fault."
Say, does that really work?
Homer Simpson: OK, pie, I'm just gonna do this…
*takes bites of air*
And if you get in the way, it's just too bad.
*takes air bites while walking toward pie*
*hits forehead on stove hood*
OW!!! Oh, the hell with it!
*grabs pie*
Om nom nom nom…
Take two aspirin and call me in the morning just took on a new meaning.
Foster Freiss–Santorum Supporter
'Nuf said
Funny, but it would have been better if he just appealed for more blowjobs. For traditional values, religious liberty and health savings.
More blowjobs, and more cunnilingus; we can't neglect the ladies' pleasure. And both are 100% baby-free guaranteed!
Sodomy
Fellatio
Cunnilingus
Pederasty
Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
Masturbation
Can be fun …
…Join the Holy Orgy, Kama Sutra ev'ryo-o-one!
We used to sing that just to drive our parents nuts.
Does the Catholic church have a position on blowjobs?
It's cool anywhere but the rectory, I think.
Sorry folks, the official Catholic church position on blowjobs is, "Altar boy in front"
Ay, yes; the rectumry.
In the rectory is anal.
At least according to my Catholic School sex ed, they're OK as foreplay but the man has to finish by coming in the vagina, with possibility of pregnancy. Really.
My main takeaway from my Catholic sex ed is that the catechism is really weird.
Sweet feckin' christ on the cross! Can't they leave one feckin' thing alone, those miserable bastids.
That's their whole thing, and pretty much their only thing: Any time anyone has an orgasm, it has to be followed nine months later by (hallelujah music, sunbeam through stained glass window) the miracle of childbirth. Another Jesus babby for the Holy Mother Church, etc. etc. etc.
Compare and contrast with the Baptists, et. al., who don't want you to smoke, drink, gamble, dance, OR fuck.
Oh for fuck's sake.
Wha?
Blowjobs are a free source of protein, too, so you got your solution to hunger AND your solution to overpopulation.
In My Day, we didn't have Fellatio. We had to do everything by hand!
Oh STFU, you pathetic shit-encrusted, miniscule-penised relic.
Foster Friess = Santorum Backer
Foster Freeze = Santorum on a cone server
I think I am getting this. The visual. Forgive me if this is a repost. So, I give my daughter an aspirin before her date and say "Put this between you knees." Okay, so she clenching it with her knees and she can't make the sweet, sweet whoopie her boyfriend is seeking. Hey, as a Dad, I think this could work. Would it work with Tylenol too?
Possibly, but not if you've consumed three or more alcoholic beverages recently.
I think tylenol held between the knees would be every bit as effective as an aspirin was back in that old puke's youth.
There's only one thing sillier than expecting people not to have sex, and that's pretending like there was ever a time when people didn't have sex.
"There's only one thing sillier than expecting people not to have sex, and that's pretending like there was ever a time when people didn't have sex."
Aside from all the many things that are wrong with this ignorant, misogynistic old dickhole and people like him, I've never gotten that thing about how abstinence = birth control. It completely misses the point; it's like saying that leaving your car parked in the garage improves its fuel efficiency.
Of course, I'm overthinking it; these people are twisted, bitter puritans who really think that there shouldn't be any birth control, so that people, especially women, could be punished every time they have sex.
"these people are twisted, bitter puritans who really think that there shouldn't be any birth control, so that people, especially women, could be punished every time they have sex. "
Yep. But it only applied to the underclass. Girls from good families got their indiscretions quietly taken care of, while their parents and friends tut-tutted about how those people couldn't control themselves, which is why they'll never be any more than what they are.
Next nifty idea for the GOP to champion: female genital mutilation–damn women should NOT be experiencing any pleasure whilst pro-creating.
Oh, and this is definitely good news for Mitt Romney.
Don't give them any ideas.
You *do* know that in Mormon theology, women don't go to heaven unless they are married to a man with a Temple Recommend, right? And when they go to heaven, they are plural wives of their man, and perpetually pregnant, because that is their role in life, to have lots and lots of Mormon "spirit babies" for their husband, you know that, right?
I don't know how they've missed that one. If you're going to go Full American Taliban, you've got to bring the FGM. (And don't try to weasel out of the blame for FGM, Islam!)
FGM?
Female Genital Mutilation.
Actually, FGM has nothing to do with Islam, having predated its arrival on the African continent. And by Islamic law, a man must provide his wife with sexual satisfaction, which FGM is the very antithesis of. So, yeah, definitely not Islamic.
Well, according to Wikipedia, and some people I know, FGM is condoned by Islam and common to Islamic countries (not just African ones). And though I have seen it claimed that FGM predates Islam in Africa, I have also been told emphatically by a West African that FGM was brought to West Africa by non-indigenous Islam.
FGM is not practiced among Indian, Indonesian, Filipino, Malay, Chinese, or Central Asian Muslims, and historically has not been AFAIK. However, my knowledge of African history and culture is not sufficient to allow me to claim with any confidence that the practice originated in Africa.
You realize, of course, that this means I now have to add African history to my reading list. Feel free to make recommendations.
…FGM is mostly an East African practice, but is also found in the Western Sahel. Its not at all exclusively Muslim — there are numerous Christian and animist ethnic groups that also practice it, e.g. the Christian Meru ethnic group in Kenya.
I shit thee not… someone told me this about an hour ago.
He always used the pickup line, "Want Friess with that"?
So he is suggesting anal sex? Because you can get in the backdoor when the front is pilled.
This would lead to more… um… that guy he likes…
Of the many things that are making me want to bludgeon these imbeciles with a blunt instrument, the "Why are we talking about contraception, instead of the REAL ISSUES, like imaginary jihadis in my forwarded emails!?!"
NOBODY was talking about contraception, until these morons decided to try to take it away.
As a religious person, I am praying that Santorum gets caught in a horrifyingly perverse sex scandal ASAP.
It will involve a carnival worker and 3+ marmots.
Wait, there's Angry_Marmot, and pdog, and … who's the third + ?
I ate it.
Greedy! (Hugs the user)
And how have you been, my fine-feathered friend? Terrorizing teh student body, perhaps?
You cannot eat a marmot.
I'm not a religious person, and I'm praying for the same thing.* Who says there isn't concord between religious and non-religious in this country?
* One may ask: what is a non-believer doing praying, even for a miracle as wondrous and glorious as Santorum caught on camera performing an act of man-on-dog? Answer: Just in case.
A plague of boils visited upon Santorum would have a nice, sort of biblical, quailty.
Good idea! I'm gonna take that up with St. Jude. He's come through for me many times in the past.
Thanks for the reminder. Saint Jude, the Patron of Lost Causes. I have quite a few prayers to offer him. One involves Viggo Mortensen.
But the Santorum prayer will be first on the list. Something along the lines of "May he openly reveal his true self to the world." That should keep the karma from getting too messy.
"May he openly reveal his true self to the world."
I believe he's done exactly that. Mitt and the Newticle are pandering to the religious Xtard right, but not Rick. He actually believes the shit he says. Refreshing, in a sadly perverted way.
And yet, he had no problem with *his* wife having the same kind of abortion he plans to deny all other women. So how strong is his faith, really, and in what is it placed?
"One involves Viggo Mortensen."
Could you ask St. Jude whether Viggo Mortensen and Ving Rhames are friends in real life?
Double date, on a wing and a prayer? (To St. Jude.)
It'll almost certainly include a dog.
Project much, Santorum?
Project ^^ILE^^ much, Santorum?
FIFY, NNTT
Projection is such a part of the right wing mindset. It makes them eerily transparent – whatever they're accusing the left of, (voter fraud, for example), is what they are balls deep in themselves.
We should make better use of that trail of breadcrumbs to bust their crooked asses.
I'm hoping for a Sandusky/Santorum tie-in.
Yea,but you could still get in the backdoor,right?
This is how you lead a "santorum SuperPac." You have to be definitely pro-buttsex.
Now, we shouldn't let Mr. Friess' insane hatred of women and sex lead us to overlook his equally insane racist conspiracy-mongering about "jihadist camps in Latin America". Seriously, where the fuck does anyone get these paranoid fantasies?
Where there are brown people, there will be danger to white people, duh.
And I guess they all work together against the white folk, even though both groups of browns speak different languages, come from very different cultures and one is mostly Catholic while the other is mostly Muslim.
Didn't I mention the brown skin? THE THREAT IS IN THE MELANIN.
OH MY GOD, THERE'S A NEGRO IN MY DAUGHTER! is a porn serial with at least 12 iterations, so, yes.
Forwarded emails.
Beaners and towelheads are basically the same.
Same place they get these notions about wimminz and their sex lives. Some horrendous stewpit of ignorance called their church or fambly or whatever vile brew created these lackwits. Gad, I can't even begin to address this shit, is how angry I am. Because all I can think of is this measly motherfucker don't know shit about human biology. Or animal biology, for that matter. Fuck it, about ANYTHING!!! (bangs head on keyboard repeatedly, slumps to floor, weeping)
This sounds reasonable to me. When I'm feeling a bit jihady I find the camps in Latin America warm and welcoming. They greet you with your own suicide vest bomb when you first arrive. Lovely!
Mine has umbrella drinks and the *cutest* little gal who does the camouflage face paint.
If your god doesn't allow you to have sexual fantasies, you're left with paranoid ones. And donuts. Lovely lovely donuts.
Hopeless geezer! That wasn't aspirin your hag was hiding between her knees.
Listen, there's an important point that is unfortunately being obscured by Friess's hoky "aw shucks" colloquialisms: only sluts get pregnant.
His mother was a slut?
Obvs.
Aspirin, hell, I'd stick a horse laxative up my cooter to avoid sex with that disgusting old fart.
This guy's parents had quite the sense of humor, didn't they?
Foster Freeze!
What other Famous Foster's are there? Brooks, of course. And…and…and…
Foster Grant
Win!
Foster Home
The ancient manse located in the Bluegrass State?
Foster Farms
Keep fuckin' that chicken.
Another effective form of birth control.
FT:
I think that would be "Keep choking that chicken."
Bananas Foster
Hitler?
No, that's not right.
Some kind of Australian beer?
You've heard the ads: "Fosters. It's Australian for Hitler."
Foster's Australian for Beer?
ZOMG, N! PLEASE, change your tagline! OK, don't. See if I care.
Charles Foster Kane
The redheaded Foster Childs.
My flabber, she is aghasted.
I confess to being an old. I remember when The Pill first became widely available in my Puritan besotted state and what a life change it was for us DFHs.
Anyway, this bit about knees was a joke frequently told back then. No one was seriously advocating it. Is Mr Friess being misunderstood, maybe, by a too literal reading of his words?
His "joke" is that women can avoid pregnancy by keeping their legs closed.
Abstinence, ladies! It's your only hope in today's 13th century world!
He really needs to talk to Liz Trotter. According to *her,* women are just being raped too much.
A slut is a girl who likes sex but just won't have it with you.
I heard this as a riddle:
"What is the difference between a whore and a bitch?"
"A whore will have sex with anyone. A bitch will have sex with anyone but you."
Did you ever hear "What's the difference between a whore and a slut"?
A whore takes money, a slut gives it away.
Or how about "If a Lady says No, she means Maybe; if she says Maybe, she means Yes. If she says Yes, she's no Lady."
Charming, eh?
Whereas any guy who fucks anything at all, from a sock, to a marmot, to a child, to adults of any degree of willingness, to a hot tub duct or vacuum hose, (DON"T google), all fall under the indulgent line:
"Boys will be boys!" (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.)
I also love that the prude/slut (aka Madonna/Whore) distinction is binary. There's no midrange between the two. It's so fun being a 'gal' in these interesting times.
I've repeated that joke and found a version of it in Ned Ward's London Spy, 1703.
You took the words right out of my future "progressives" but in high school Gingrich Republicans friends's mouths, with respect the fabled "Popsicle Girl".
& on that "progressive" turn, I know only two people whose political outlook changed after age twenty, & each did it for sex. My Nemesis went Democrat for the pussy, & my two time Alan Keyes for Pres volunteer friend went Neoliberal/"moderate" for better ass. (He also came out.)
I gave my daughter some money for aspirin, but she bought an Ipad instead. She's a poor example downstream.
What with the general topic and all, I read iPad entirely the wrong way. Now I got it.
Because sex can only happen face-to-face, man on top.
I thought *everybody* knew that.
My wife has assured me that simply placing my head between her thighs would be just as effective…I think it's a trick.
No, no, she's right!
Spit don't make babies.
Try it for a few months and see how it works out.
We won't hear a thing from him for a while, you know.
I certainly wouldn't want us to lose contact with such a valued poster. I was thinking that perhaps there can be a liveblog of the experiment. With his wife at the keyboard, of course.
Edit: Things would quickly get as incoherent as Sarah! but somehow more life-affirming.
Sure, if you want the usual "Oh god! Oh GOD! OH GOD! OMYGAWD! FWEIROIWERHWEII!S!W$E98093!!
Your wife is *absolutely* correct. Trust me. As a person who knows a great deal about reproductive biology in mammals, I can assure you that if you keep your head between her thighs each and every single time you have sex, you will NEVER have to pay child support or deal with a sprog.
Unless, of course, she's doing the mailman. Then, all bets are off.
This version of Mr. Friess is even more annoying than Arnold Schwarzenegger's; to think we've got something even worse than his "Ice to see you" puns.
You know what other fabulous medical convenience Bayer Industries invented?
Herion. True story. Look it up.
LEVITRA!
The less-addictive replacement for morphine. Ooops.
Put some of that in your cough syrup!
They also synthesized the chemistry for Zyclon B and their Chairman of the Board during WWII was convicted during the Nuremberg Trials for human torture.
Yes. Bayer was in fact part of IG Farben, that not only synthesized but manufactured Zyklon B.
Herion?
Typo.
"You know what other fabulous medical convenience Bayer Industries invented?"
Zyklon B?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bayer
To be fair, it was an off-label usage….
Are denim shackles close enough?
"Back in my day all our problems had one simple solution — blame the woman."
Boys will be boys!
Wait, things have *changed*? Be news to my girlfriend.
There's a birth control pill for men. You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
<Rimshot>
Thanks folks! I'll be supporting Rick Santorum through the convention. Tip your servers!
"There's a birth control pill for men. You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp."
Let us all sit quietly for a moment, find our respective centers, and imagine the shit hemorrhage the right would have if, say, Michelle Obama or, god help us all, Hillary Clinton, made that joke in public.
Srsly. They'd be pooping giant streams of red.
Back in the day, if the "aspirin method" didn't work, the poor woman could always throw herself down a flight of stairs, a folk remedy I recommend for this shitbag.
Wasn't that what Gene Tierney did in Leave Her To Heaven? Or am I thinking some other movie?
We shouldn't worry about China overtaking us. We should worry about the 1800s overtaking us.
So, Siam and Prussia?
It's those Hottentots you gotta watch out for.
And Edo, oh my!
Or *under*taking us.
I though the man was supposed to put it in his shoe. To make him limp. HA HA HA HA HA. (wipes tears from eyes) I'm funnier than Foster Friess.
IN FOSTER'S DAY: Men would tie an onion to their belts, and if they felt randy, why they'd pull out a drilling-auger and make a "kitty-hole" in that onion. Then they'd have their way with it in the alley, and it was excruciating! And the whole epidermis of their penises would dry up and flake off, and they couldn't do anything like that again for at least three days. That's because God doesn't like birth control! It's Bayer aspirin for the ladies, it's belt onions for the fellas, and it's so inexpensive! Now let's get back to talkin' about something that isn't really a thing, like jihadists in Brazil.
Oh my God, old man humor about how girls didn't USED to be such slutbags. All you nasty bitches with your fancy tupperware and fuck-loving hoohahs. Be ashamed, be very ashamed.
Foster, darling, if you could still get it up, I promise you would want to pay me more than you have Rick Santorum to be between these knees, but I'm not NEAR the whore he is.
I love fuck-loving hoohahs.
Foster would fucking PLOTZ if you came anywhere near his schmuck, it's been that long since he got any. Look at that punim, for the love of the almighty.
There are some things even whores wouldn't do.
This old codger's solutions to these quandaries really tickle my fibula.
Tickle Me Elbow?
With that, you got one step closer to humerus than my snark did~
I understand an aspirin shoved up the urethra works just as well.
Why, back in my day, we just used Bayer chastity belts. After that, an astonishing number of babies looked a lot like the local lock-pickers.
Why are the racist, sexist, dumb-fuck white oldsters the ones with all the money? Is it the same reason why God put all the oil in the Middle East?
I've heard it's a common side effect of melanin deficiency.
So in Santorum's America we're supposed to expect all the women to stop having sex? This is a terrible campaign strategy.
Not all the women…just those women.
i.e., all women.
You know, Mr. Fries-with-that, the whole reason that joke ever existed in the first place was the introduction of the BC pill. It stopped being funny when the pill became a commonplace. It hasn't started being funny again.
In my religion, the Church of All Worlds, a neo-Pagan church, sex is a sacrament. "All acts of love and pleasure are mine" says the Goddess. They are interfering with my religion and my religious beliefs. Why should I have to go against my beliefs to please some ugly old, dickwad mysoginist guys who are repulsed by women?
ahhhh, so that's the problem, I've been putting the asprin in my vagina!
"Well, it's always worked for Alan and me."
Kirsten, my darling, I do love you, coiner of my favorite description of Newt Gingrich ("amoral jewelry-debt piglet"), but:
" [...] trying to make it through the holiday meal with grandpa sans booze."? I think you meant sans pants, my wild and wicked little wench.
As many of you learned yesterday I learned to never attempt a holiday meal with grandpa sans booze.
Should your grandpa even be *allowed* Viagra? Not to mention booze?
I mean, isn't he like WAY overdue for restraints and a ballgag, dear?
He's way overdue for the Death Panel, but sadly those were just a right wingnut rumor.
I'm definitely getting the impression that Gramps ain't that popular with the famz. Is there any hope that he'll pop his clogs soon? I mean, my mother finally did, and I had bets going with everybody and their sister-in-law's second illegitimate cousin that she would be tossing the turf in my grave.
Another method is to be soft serve.
/Foster's Freeze joke!
Ya know, back in the day they burned witches and strung black folks up from a tree until they were dead, too.
Doesn't mean either one was a good idea.
Now would the baby boomers just up and die already so the rest of us can advance society a wee bit? Please?
kthxbai
Uh, dood? You cannot haz. Some of us right here iz teh baby boomers. Also, too, there's plenty in your own ranks as could do with a weeding, if you get my drift, and I b'leev you do. (waggles eyebrows meaningfully)
Well, okay — not ALL the Boomers. Many of y'all are good people.
How's about we just take out all older (read: 25+) Southern white folks and … uh … hold on a second …
**checks age and address on drivers license**
Nevermind.
It'll be OK, rly.
a) Foster Fries was born in 1940, which makes him at least four years too old to be a baby boomer,
b) The people who demonstrated for civil rights and for women's rights and against immoral wars and corporate greed were baby boomers, so that even if Foster Fries were born/excreted in the right time frame, his ideology is all wrong for the baby boomers (and indeed, everyone with a brain),
c) This baby boomer doesn't intend to die anytime soon if I can help it.
Oh yeah, "Let's change the subject" instead of a follow up question like, why is this certifiable loon bankrolling a major candidate for president of the largest economy in the world?
Jesus Christ on a pogo stick with an aspirin between his knees.
And you just know Mr. Chuckles the Smile Goon here is getting it on the side from a veritable herd of diamond whores…
"Jesus Christ on a pogo stick with an aspirin between his knees."
hilarious.
We are the White Cock Party of Religious Conservatives and we know whats good for you Woman…now get that bayer between your legs and lets rock..
Mr. Burns?
Why did Whitney have to die while this pile of patronizing pussy patrol is still living?
Wait, does tylenol work?
I take birth control, but its only for my crippling migraines.
You should have told your mom this. before you were born.
Andrea…what did you expect having this guy on? Sanity, compassion, brains???
Foster Friess for HHS Secretary!
And thanks for this little preview of life in the Santorum Administration.
The aspirin routine was old when Arlene Francis said it, and the joke wasn't particularly funny then, either.
This guy is another dismal piece of fuck who has been emboldened by the current toxic political discourse to crawl out of the woodwork. My fear is that there exist millions like him who will skew us to the far-right. My hope is that these idiots will frighten people into voting against them, but that would mean that the US electorate is educated and thoughtful- I'm not too certain that's the case. We shall see in November to Remember.
I thought back in this old coot's days, everyone just wore a bag of onions on their belt as a form of birth control?
Also, just what the country needs, birth-control advice from a man who's last sexual enounter was in the Edwardian era.
"a man who's last sexual enounter was in the Edwardian era."
Yeah — Edward the Confessor.
Just make a short clip of this, with the slogan "Women: This man is spending tens of millions of dollars so that his soulmate Rick Santorum can tell you how to live your life". Put it on Youtube, forward it to everyone you know.
I wish all these fucksticks would actually go back in their day, and stay the fuck there.
In my day we used a dried bean. Put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
That was the punch line from a crappy joke from 30 years ago. It wasn't funny then and it's less so now.
Since he's keen on exchanging medical advice, my prescription for him is a jumbo bottle of Lomotil, or maybe a shunt so they can pipe it in on a regular basis. This might help reduce the severity and volume of his Santorum.
My prescription for him is a piping hot bowl of Shut the Fuck Up — but yours is good, too.
You've changed ever so much of late, my dear.
Been taking online courses for some learning and articulation, now I guess its paying off!!! But as soon as there are some raging conservative trolls around for me to parasitize, the old Regina will be back.
You did an excellent job. Kudos!
Flowers For Algernon?
"Flowers for Algernon" would only be apt if there had been at least a fleeting moment of heightened intelligence and creativity, followed by the tragic reversion. I never actually made it that far. I think there may have been a point where I stumbled less and could make the right facial expressions (e.g., stroking my chin thoughtfully while looking off in the distance, even though I was probably thinking about snacks or beer), but I'm not even sure about that now.
You're a hoot. Change the av, though it's a dead giveaway. Perhaps that Duncan dood who killed that family, what's his name, JET? Good looking, too.
I grew up in a lesbian household, mom's first girlfriend told me that line about aspirin-between-the-knees when I asked about birth control pills right around the beginning of puberty. Mom apologized for her, said she'd grown up Catholic and very conservative.
I wonder what Ol' Flaps here would say if I told him he has a lot in common with an old lesbian.
Congrats! It seems the naughty comments pull the 113p
Well, then let's spend the rest of the day commenting on each other and skip up to 120 or so. Whaddya say? Hmm?
I have a comment about rubbing your balls that's just waiting for you.
OK now you're just trying to make me jealous. And succeeding.
I can see I picked the wrong time to leave the computer! Gah! OK, let's see the ball rubbing comment. I can take it.
I'll give her five bees for just the tip.
I kinda feel sorry for old man Friess. One of the dangers of becoming a bazillionaire, all the toadies who you pay to follow you around and laugh at your dumb jokes warp your sense of reality until you think that people will laugh at any dumb turd that falls out of your mouth. Poor old fella, guess it is time to take him out behind the barn…
Also, next time she says she's got a headache: No Problem!
1) Of course, back in his day, knights were bold, and rubbers not invented.
2) This guy has always had a reliable form of birth control: his face.
3) Among twenty snowy mountains,
The only effective contraception
Was the eye of the blackbird.
"Of course, back in his day, knights were bold, and rubbers not invented."
I think there's a poem about that.
Yes, Wallace Stevens' "13 Ways of Looking at a Rubber"
I was thinking of "Stopping by the Rubber on a Snowy Evening" — you know, the one that goes, "Whose junk this is, I think I know" — but yours is good, too.
For some reason, what runs through my head is, "Quoth the Wifey, Nevermore."
You know, Civil behavior is widely available and not expensive.
Back in my day,we used Baseball bats for communication. We beat the shit out of guys that insulted and demeaned our friends, family and loves and it wasn’t that costly.
"Not expensive," I get, but "widely available?" That shit seems to be out of stock everywhere these guys shop.
Oh, it is everywhere. You just have to want to find it.
I never have any problem, at all.
Of course, the problem with that was, the wooden bats tended to splinter too easily. I suppose a person could use one of those aluminum bats, but you know how it is — you let one tradition fall by the wayside, and the next thing you know, hell in a handbasket, am I right?
Helena Handbasket agrees.
Tradition in these matters is important, not only for aesthetics but for very practical reasons. A good old fashioned Ash bat will last for hundreds of Rude Bastard Beat Downs. It's the new commercial forest Maple bats that go all to hell at the first blow to the head.
Don't get me started on Aluminum. That "ping" sound is just Wrong and there's no shock absorption. Very hard on the wrists. If you're going to have to engage in a proper Beating, why not make it as enjoyable as possible?
Axe handles. Very nice smack sound they make, too.
Those are good too and inexpensive enough to let you keep a nice stack of them in the trunk, just for general mayhem. With the money you save, you can accessorize with a quality hockey goalie's mask.
Not the ones who love Jesus, anyway.
To the extent that "Aspirin between the knees" works, it is still birth control and still violates the will of Christ, dipshit.
i really really hope santorum gets the nomination.
Matt Yglesias pointed out today that aspirin was cheap back in the day thanks to big government's seizure of Bayer patents.
Foster is really saying that poor people should abstain from sex if they can't afford to become pregnant. Oh that sweet, sweet, caring man.
I have a deep-seated moral and spiritual belief that this ignorant, misogynistic old shit needs a good swift kick in the balls.
Me too! I bet we could get a couple hundred thousand like minded people in a couple of days, millions within a couple of months. Then we just have to find some god that people aren't using any more – I don't think any Algonquins worship Gitche Manitou anymore, we could adopt him, and voilà – a religion. Devoted to paying homage to Gitche Manitou by satisfying his one and only demand (as revealed to his prophets tessiee and Chichikovovich): kick Foster Friess right in the nuts.
I mean, it would be exactly like the Holocaust for the government to interfere with out right to fulfill our religious obligations, as conscience demands.
A side benefit of this would be that we could call ourselves the Algonquin Round Table.
Great observation! And it would be an especially appropriate name too, since if Dorothy Parker read the run of chatter here, and learned that all of us had been laid end to end, she wouldn't be at all surprised.
(Hands Tessiee the crown)
oh. and:
gross.
Can we pass a law whereby any man who sees fit to pontificate on what kinds of birth control women may or may not use be compelled to have a mandatory rectal ultrasound?
This Foster guy's ass must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth.
I'm sorry, I just have to steal that.
Where is Ashton Kutcher? Surely, we are being punk'd.
Oh, sure! Put all the blame on the womenfolks, with no thought for those smooth-talkin' guys who ply us with gas station wine and discount tickets to the strip club (2-for-1 early bird special on Tuesdays!).
This is why America can't and won't ever have nice things.
Silly me. Here I was thinking women were supposed to use aspirin for headaches 'caused by too-tight shoes. That's what Bachmann's people told me, anyway. I had no idea it could be used for birth control, too!
I just can't look at Andrea without thinking of Alan Greenspan's ball-sack on her chin. (shivers) I guess that's why I can't look at her.
Then afterwards, you stand on your head and pour a Coca Cola down your cooter…
Meet President Santorum's Surgeon General.
"Let's change the subject…" LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT!?!?!? This dessicated mummy of republinazi essence just insulted your entire sex, Andrea, and you CHANGE THE FREAKING SUBJECT. HE'S SANTORUM'S ADVISOR, ANDREA. YOU MUST TAKE THIS COPROLITE SERIOUSLY. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S A MISOGYNISTIC DIPSHIT.
(sorry, i've been locked in a federal office the past two days. this has probably already been said)
Or headache remedies.
My Grandma always said, "The only true contraceptive is Anal Sex".
Now, I find there's another. Grandma couldn't have been wrong, could she have?
And that's the GOP's alternative to ObamaCare. Really. It is. I'm not trying to be snarky.
How does someone get pregnant if their knees are tightly squeezed together? Pardon my naivety, but unlike Frosty Friess I've never read the Kama Sutra.
It's right up there with "Can I finish in your hair?"
Drives the ladies wild.
Now Soros, get it right. The line was "Would it be okay if I came in your butt?".
As you can tell, it reeks of romance.
Yes. The best women ever.
Not to mention santorum.
I can't believe you didn't rush to snag that amazing guy immediately.
Mostly just reeks, but(t) hey.
It's hard to determine via text, but it almost sounds like you two are being sarcastic.
Almost as good as gas station wine.
A decision I've regretted for the last 10 years.
He's probably living in some trailer right now playing daddy to 6 kids while tending to this week's meth batch in the bathtub while watching Glenn Beck TV.
And I'm stuck boning a ginger, instead.
Oh hey, it's Fuck Toad! Haven't seen you in a while, Fuck.
You sound SO regretful, dear. (adjusts hidden video cameras and mikes)
Well I'm glad to reap the benefits of your loss there.
whoa, careful with the 'ginger' reference, I hear Newell is back, and he's ANGRY!
Politics was getting to the gun-in-the-mouth depressing stage there for a while. Decided to focus on trolling non-political blogs for a while. But I missed all you worthly Wonkett skum.
Geez, dood, go easy with that reaping, we're all just about getting ready for the damn wedding heah.
Typical male reapist.
This time, we MUST get video!
I'm tellin' ya. Those two made the fuckin' earth move as far north as Oregon this weekend. They've gotta know something we don't.
Good grief. Compare and contrast with the Hindus, who think fucking is a good thing, and, at least in private, can be pretty fucking sexual and adventurous. What? You think those 1.x BILLION people came outa nowhere?
Even Muslims think fucking is a good thing, geeze. I just read a book on the underwear markets of Syria (god I hope they survive the shit that's going on), and it sounds like people know how to *enjoy* their sex, no matter what the imams and mullahs say.
Well, OK… But if the other person is sick and pukes, it would be hard not to take it personally.
I remember reading somewhere or other that part of a good Jewish man's duty as a husband was to give his wife pleasure during the sexual-intercourse thing, but I don't know whether that's accurate.
There's an entire book on the underwear markets of Syria?
Some animals are more equal than others.
(I read that somewhere, prolly on the interwebs.)
It's part of the marriage contract. A woman may divorce her husband if he fails to give her sexual satisfaction. This is also true for Muslim women.
I seem to remember a buncha pigs saying that.
Same thing, really.
Over in Limeyland they eat Marmot all the time. Spread that shit on bread. Fucking disgusting.
Actually I think that's in DownUnderland. Bovril is in Limeyland.
Yes. I forget the exact title, might be "Syrian Lingerie," haha, so imaginative. It's filled with photographs of Teh Sexay Underwearz of the Syrian ladies. Those gals like to get DOWN! So to speak.
Not THAT angry.
Oh I SEE, it's filled with sexy photos, this book that you "read"!
Check it out, baby! Srsly, the photographer is good, and there are interviews with various women, and they're cute and funny and it's a side of Islam and Syrian culture that I had never expected. Enjoy!
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