MAY CAUSE STUPIDITY  3:31 pm February 16, 2012

Aspirin Has Other Exciting Off-Label Use Ladies Will Want To Know About

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

This ancient billionaire coot with the game show host grin is Foster Friess, the big bucks behind some Rick Santorum Super PAC, and he would like to tell you that America is far too obsessed with the fictional problem of reproductive health and not nearly concerned enough with the very real and urgent problem of “jihadist camps being set up in Latin America.” That is a good story! Tell us another story, old-timer! “Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly,” he explains. Oooh, so that’s how the baby boomer generation happened. The more you know!

Poor Andrea Mitchell makes a face like she’s been slapped and asks for a second to recover her breath. Understandably, since the entire interview is the sort of nightmare you envision when you think about trying to make it through the holiday meal with grandpa sans booze. [YouTube]

 
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{ 429 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] February 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Apparently the men of the era shoved willow branches up their asses.

DaRooster February 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

You mean they fell on a stick while walking their dog.

(actual excuse used in a local hospital)

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Oh christ, who the fuck did he think he was kidding?

DaRooster February 16, 2012 at 5:13 pm

There was another guy that fell on his "Bowflex"…

The worst part was the guy was about 350 pounds… at least he was using the Bowflex for something.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Remind me to tell you the story of Couch Woman, one of these days when we're in need of a, uh, lift.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm

You'd be amazed at how much that enhances your organism. Among other things, of course.

chicken_thief February 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm

With a slight mod to the "Rule of Thumb" rule, prolly…

Nostrildamus February 16, 2012 at 6:05 pm

As was the fashion at the time. Give me 5 branches for a quarter we'd say…

BlackRhino February 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I heard if he’d put aspirin between his teeth, he’d shut the fuck up.

Limeylizzie February 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I'd like to shove an Alka-Seltzer up his anus.

SheriffRoscoe February 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Turns frothy into fizzy.

Barb February 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what an asshole he is!

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Or better yet, shove it up his urethra.

Limeylizzie February 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Ouch.

chicken_thief February 16, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Damnnnnn! If I ever piss you off, just tell me – ok? We can work it out.

Clancy_Pants February 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Good way to augment the Santorum.

DemmeFatale February 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Har-dee-har-har, Foster!
That was a real knee-slapper!

Barb February 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Were they baby aspirin?

Crank_Tango February 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

too soon!
.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Fetus aspirin.

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Little, yellow, different, better.

Guppy February 16, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Those little yellow pills are stealing jerbs from the white ones!

Angry_Marmot February 16, 2012 at 5:18 pm

That's what Pete Hoekstra asked for.

deanbooth February 16, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Sampson :: Hair =/= Barb :: Uterus.

Still goin' strong!

Barb February 16, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Awww:: love= / = You!

Andrew Drinker February 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Andrea Mitchell does the slappin' usually. Just ask Alan Greenspan.

banana_bread February 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I am so goddamned sick of old white men in this country telling us that ladies are just too whorey to take care of themselves. Once, just once, I'd like to see a talking head telling men to keep it in their pants.

Or, shock! How about we stop legislating outdated moral outrage and start giving women rights over their own bodies?

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

WUT? Hey! A MAN might want to use those bodies, you hapless female!

Damn, who unchained those gals and took the ballgags out?

SheriffRoscoe February 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm

SORRY I DON'T GET IT

Jim Newell February 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

makes sure ladies keep their legs closed. this was seriously what he said on television.

SheriffRoscoe February 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Oh, right……I see now. Men see the door is closed so they never think of going in through a window.

imissopus February 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Or circling the house to find the back door.

Wilcoxyz February 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I usually try the backdoor first. That's just me.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Well women just love to hear "Can I do it in your butt?", trust me on this one.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Used to making deliveries at the tradesmen's entrance, eh?

BigDumbRedDog February 16, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Pick the lock! Or just kick the door down! I mean she's practically asking for it!

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Please, like that fat old turd has had the opportunity to be anything BUT celibate since the Eisenhower administration.

Barb February 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

He didn't say the joke correctly. You take an aspirin for birth control. You are supposed to hold it between your knees constantly. This passed for humor way beck when the Mastodons pranced across the earth.

MrFizzy February 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Before doggie style was invented.

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Why, the very IDEA of doggystyle would give the old timers a brain-numbing stroke!! Just like Joe Paterno's innocent, trusting ears were so violated at the very IDEA of a man fucking a boy that he was silent about it for an entire decade!

GhostBuggy February 16, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Mastodon-style?

emmelemm February 16, 2012 at 4:00 pm

You're right, I didn't get it. But now I do. And I hate it even more.

Guppy February 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Nothing breeds contempt like understanding.

MadBrahms February 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

"Back in my day, we just roped their legs together. Worked like a charm! Made it a little hard for them to move about the kitchen, though."

I hate that man.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:36 pm

LOLA, could we stop talking about my age, please?

ChessieNefercat February 16, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Too bad a mastodon didn't prance across old Foster Freeze. What a shame he didn't understand it was his own fat self that kept the "gals" holding their li'l ol' slutty legs together.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 10:55 pm

You almost have to wonder how come someone who would NEVAH get laid if he didn't have a fuckin' shitload of money has the fuckin' brass monkey balls to be telling the rest of us about fucking.

Callyson February 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Neither does he.

Mumbletypeg February 16, 2012 at 4:02 pm

"Make 'em knock-knee'd, then they won't get knocked-up!" Simple, right?

Lit Happens February 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

How did that work when they were totally shitfaced on Lydia Pinkham?

jqheywood February 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Is that like a lesbian Cleveland Steamer?

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 12:24 am

We'll drink a drink a drink
To Lily the Pink the Pink the Pink
Saviour of the human race
For she invented
Medicinal compound
Most efficacious in every case

Crank_Tango February 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I wonder what the women did after the beatings they received for trying to be cute with the old aspirin-between-the-knees trick? Also the rapes they should have expected…

Swampgas_Man February 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Don't worry, they didn't get abortions; just sent away to Aunt Millie's for a month or so.

sharethegrief February 16, 2012 at 4:39 pm

No, Aunt Millie was a monthly visitor, unless the aspirin failed.

comrad_darkness February 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

They did get abortions. A hot gin bath.
http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/66/

DemmeFatale February 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Fascinating!
Thanks!

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 12:19 am

Delicious wheat bread libel!

V572 Flambé February 16, 2012 at 4:56 pm

This was before they could file EEO complaints about being "raped too much," according to Liz the Trotter.

ChessieNefercat February 16, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Well now, as long as they weren't raped too much…

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2012 at 7:07 pm

"Rapes they expected" has a ring similar to "cakes we like". Any surprise that CakeFarts.com is a thing, then?

Crank_Tango February 16, 2012 at 10:41 pm

and Cookie-Puss is a cake…I dunno where Fudgie the Whale fits into all of this but…

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 10:56 pm

OK, I'm not — for the first time in like fucking FOREVAH — I'm not gonna look that up.

OK, maybe I am. But not today, at least.

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Papa Bear, as kinky a bastard as you are, Cake Farts would be right up your alley.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:21 pm

A'ight, a'ight awreddy, I'm'a geddonit.

Bet it's in the updated Encyclopedia of Unusual Sexual Practices.

Sassomatic February 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

You know what this guy should hold between his knees? A shot gun.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:29 pm

He's so fucking stupid he'd probably point it in the wrong direction and shoot a hole in the floor instead of blowing his big, empty head off like he's supposed to.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 10:57 pm

I was kinda hoping he'd find some way to point it at his balls and blow THOSE off instead. Because, you know, it's not as if blowing his head off is going to do him any harm. He's not using it for anything.

Pres.Beeblebrox February 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

He should change his name to Freedom Friess, for American Liberty.

Tundra Grifter February 16, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Like that geezer ever actually got near a red snapper.

CarnyTrash February 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Reminds me of the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Now in those days, a turkey was known as… a Walkin' Bird. We'd have Walkin' Bird with all the trimmings — cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder…

hagajim February 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

"Shit my Dad Says" redux? Seriously though, Latin American jihadist camps? How does he know, has he seen them? If so why is he not on the no-fly list. Paranoid old fucks being paranoid old fucks….damn.

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Dammit! And all this time I've been putting the aspirin in the crook of my elbow. KNEES, now you tell me!

Crank_Tango February 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm

that's to prevent handjobs.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Instead you wantonly open your legs and allow yourself to have and give pleasure, when you should be listening to this fat old man and keeping yourself pure for that eventual husband with whom you will have procreational-only sex that's really awkward because you're both virgins and have no idea what you're doing.

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Q: What do you call Christian foreplay?

A: Marriage.

Crank_Tango February 16, 2012 at 3:55 pm

yeah but on the upside, you will have a shitload of babies.

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm

BABBYS!1!

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

And then we'll only masturbate when the other is ill and is forced to watch.

"Honey, I know you're running an 103 degree fever and just want to sleep but you need to look at me while I rub my clit. KEEP LOOKING!!"

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I could spell your partner, if he gets, you know, tired. Just letting you know.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:35 pm

"we'll only masturbate when the other is ill and is forced to watch."

OK, letting the other person watch you masturbate? I'm OK with.
*Forcing* the other person to watch you masturbate? Seems a bit unnecessary, but *meh* *shrug* I'm game.
Forcing the other person to watch you masturbate when they're ill? OK, now THAT's just downright kinky.

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 11:13 pm

What if one spouse in unable to have sex because of sickness or physical limitations? In this situation, masturbation seems a reasonable option, but we would suggest it is best done in the presence of the spouse. This significantly reduces the chances of wrong thoughts, and allows the partner to be a part of the activity by holding the one masturbating, offering some form of stimulation, or describing what they could be doing if they were both able to have sex.
http://site.themarriagebed.com/sexuality/sexual-p

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm

You have NO idea how true that is. Where I come from, it is often the case that young people didn't have the first fucking clue what to do or how. The resulting trauma (and I do mean injury to mostly ladyparts) was the best ever argument for just handing these women and their spouses a copy of "Our Bodies Our Selves" with instructions to read the whole fucking thing, but especially the chapters on sex. Vaginal tears, anal tears, abrasions, bleeding, and misery all around.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

It's why, as I have said before, two virgins should not have sex with each other. Everyone's first time really should be with someone who know what they are doing and can teach their inexperienced partner; I know I'm glad my first was with a woman who had quite a bit of experience and could show my then-ignorant self what to do.

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Amen. I'm pleased as fuck that my first knew what he was doing, because if we had been trying to figure out together some of the insane shit I wanted to try, I guarantee one of us would have ended up in the hospital.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I'm not opposed to harvesting the occasional cherry, but regardless of who the more experienced partner is, I'm in favor of the "campsite rule": Leave it better than you found it.

Guppy February 16, 2012 at 4:20 pm

If you can hold an aspirin between your elbows behind your back, you'll be popular in certain circles.

Or so I've heard.

bumfug February 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Also, Mentos and Coke made a damn fine douche.

Swampgas_Man February 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Why do you think they called "The Freshmaker"?

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Fresh goes better. Fresh goes better… With Mentos fresh & full of vaginal blight.

emmelemm February 16, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Failing that, Lysol.

{shudder}

Callyson February 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

"Let's change the subject to…anything else for fuck's sake…"

CommieLibunatic February 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm

No no no, back this insanity bus the fuck up. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT IN THE SCREAMING FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?

comrad_darkness February 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Damn straight. Be a journalist. Fucking Morry Povich would have handled this properly.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I'm not so sure. Aren't at least half the episodes of his show, "Who's your baby daddy?"

Maman February 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Poor Andrea Mitchell? Where was the bitchslap that this foul asshat so richly deserved. Why must we accept this level of disrespect with no commentary.

Swampgas_Man February 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Slapping pig-ignorant old fucks is Liberal Bias.

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm

By the time she had figured out his stupid, ancient joke, he had already fled the interview. The lesson: if you want to insult a woman, consult rare old books of Gentlemen's Ribaldry. She'll never know what hit her!

Maman February 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

I was watching while it happened. If I knew what Friess meant, she had to have

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2012 at 7:10 pm

It's just me that's slow on the up-take, then. I don't process "stupid" very quickly.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:01 pm

She's old enough that she *definitely* knew what he was talking about, because *I* heard that all the time growing up and she's just a bit older than me.

Sassomatic February 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Chics these days, what a bunch of sluts, amirite?

Callyson February 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

And speaking of WTF…jobless camps being set up in Latin America?!?

edgydrifter February 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Shorter Foster Friess: YER ALL WHORES! FILTHY GOD-DAMNED WHOOOOORES!! NOW QUIT SPREADIN' YER WHORE LEGS AND GO IRON MY SHIRTS!

emmelemm February 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

And make me a sandwich!

ChessieNefercat February 16, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Should I make you a sammich first? Hmm, Foster, honey, baby? (curtsies, looks for matches, gasoline)

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Always iron their shirts first. It gives you something hot and heavy to whup 'em upside the haid wiv, plus you can tie 'em up pretty handy with the cord for the wrists and the shirtsleeves for the ankles. Use underwear and another long-sleeved shirt for the gag.

*Helpful Tips For Killing Your Boyfriend/Husband*

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Yeah, because if there's anything the menfolk hate, it's fucking…
Oh, wait, that can't be right.

johnnyzhivago February 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I hear Snooki uses a bowling ball.

Crank_Tango February 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I thought that was the Situation.

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 12:27 am

Genius! If there is already something up there, it's harder to get something else in..for some.

smashedinhat February 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm

As a man I feel moved to opine that I hope I never become as disconnected from reality as some mentally challenged shrivelled nut sacks proudly show themselves to be.

SudsMcKenzie February 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I'm sorry, but my religion doesn't allow aspirin.

DaRooster February 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Put prayer between your legs… that'll be about all that's left pretty soon anyhow.

nounverb911 February 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Why didn't Freiss just sing "I Got Rhythm"?

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Too blah.

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

This has given me a headache, thankfully there's an aspirin between my knees I can take.

OOPS! Gosh darn it, I just fell on a penis.

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm

They're everywhere, I tells ya! Just today we had the Orkin man come by to spray for penis.

Barb February 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Penis infestation? Cock-roaches?

starfanglednut February 16, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Penis infestation? Where? How do I ge there?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 16, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Relax. CPAC is done for the year.

Guppy February 16, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Well, what did you expect, being in close contact all the time?

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:04 pm

You gotta watch your step, girl. Trip and fall, and next thing you know, you done impaled yourself.

Chet Kincaid February 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

"Oops, I Fell On A Penis" was Britney's best work.

Chillwillard February 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

"Friess and Santorum": worst dollar menu item ever.

HarryButtle February 16, 2012 at 3:48 pm

That'd make him a bucket, no?

anniegetyerfun February 16, 2012 at 4:37 pm

It's like poutine! Hold the poon.

Chillwillard February 16, 2012 at 6:12 pm

That avatar is a timeless classic. Nicely done, Annie.

anniegetyerfun February 16, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Thank you! They are my new heroes, for their bravery.

LiveToServeYa February 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

His face got like that by swallowing a diaphragm for a headache. Obviously.

BarackMyWorld February 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Given who she's spent the last 15 years married to, Andrea Mitchell really should be used to the incoherent ramblings of a crazy old man by now.

James Michael Curley February 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Andrea Mitchell actually said that she said yes to him although she was not sure he had asked her to marry him.

Designer_Rants February 16, 2012 at 4:30 pm

I so forgot that that I had to look it up. Eww, I think that's the first time I've ever written that in an internet comment, but eww. http://bit.ly/yK2i1a

HempDogbane February 16, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Turdblossom has faxed this valuable talking point far and wide, so it will be in heavy use.

johnnyzhivago February 16, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I'd like to hear this guy's take on global warming.

MrFizzy February 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

That has to do with aspirin too.

ChessieNefercat February 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Well, heh-heh, back in mah day, if it was a warm day, you had yourself some good old fashioned ice cold lemonade. Then you pried that little old Bayhr aspern from between your gal's legs, and by God, you gave her a reason to sweat! Heh-heh. And it wasn't expensive and you didn't need all those environmental whatdoyoucallems, liberal regulatory foolishness.

Anyway, it's February and it's snowing. See?

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Actually, the weather here has been fucking crazy. It was really cold a few days ago, but just beautiful, a blue and gold day that looked perfect till you stepped out of the house, when the wind froze your ass. Now it's been *hot* for the past few days, in the mid to high *70s* and everything's blooming. No rain. Normally, this time of year, it's cold, damp, gray, mingy, wet, foggy, rainy, and utterly unbearably wintery and everyone's dying for a warm day of, oh, 55F. I just know a freezing wind will hit next week and kill the camellias. I can feel it in my bones.

unclejeems February 16, 2012 at 7:40 pm

What warming? What globe?

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:34 pm

I'm pretty sure you can't have global anything when you think the earth is flat.

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 12:30 am

If we'd just start clogging tailpipes with aspirin…

imissopus February 16, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Five Easy Pieces libel!

FlownOver February 16, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Is this the same fecal sculpture who told the "liberal, moderate and conservative" knee-slapper at CPAC, then laughed harder when he realized he was the only one laughing?

Look out behind you, Dennis Miller. Someone's gaining on you.

mavenmaven February 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm
MrFizzy February 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Callista's cooter is filled to the brim with aspirin, at least that's what it looks like.

Sassomatic February 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Urgh. You had to use the word "cooter"?

MrFizzy February 16, 2012 at 4:00 pm

It's an alliteration – I'm working on a kids' book called "Callista's Cooter is Crying".

ChessieNefercat February 16, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Ah, you're being literary. Carry on. It's quite sophisticated, now that I read it again.

MrFizzy February 18, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Thanks. Indeed, there's nothing like throwing around terms like "cooter" and "turd cutter" at a polo match to prove that you belong.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 16, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Would you prefer Newt-chute?

MrFizzy February 18, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Nothing and no one would prefer that.

chicken_thief February 16, 2012 at 5:09 pm

If she got them from Cindy McCain they aren't aspirin.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Callista's married to Newt; if she has any mind-altering substances (and I hope for her sake that she does), she's not wasting them on her vadge.

imissopus February 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I do like Andrea Mitchell having a "Wait, what?" moment. If she'd had a few more of those at home with Alan Greenspan when he was explaining his Ayn Rand-influenced economic theories, maybe the world would not have exploded.

CapnFatback February 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

"Okay, girls, I'm going to be doing this . . ."

*unzips pants, makes pelvic thrusting motions*

". . . and if your vagina gets in the way and you get impregnated, it's YOUR fault."

WABishop February 16, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Say, does that really work?

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Homer Simpson: OK, pie, I'm just gonna do this…
*takes bites of air*
And if you get in the way, it's just too bad.
*takes air bites while walking toward pie*
*hits forehead on stove hood*
OW!!! Oh, the hell with it!
*grabs pie*
Om nom nom nom…

An_Outhouse February 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Take two aspirin and call me in the morning just took on a new meaning.

PeaceWithHonor February 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Foster Freiss–Santorum Supporter

'Nuf said

Wilcoxyz February 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Funny, but it would have been better if he just appealed for more blowjobs. For traditional values, religious liberty and health savings.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

More blowjobs, and more cunnilingus; we can't neglect the ladies' pleasure. And both are 100% baby-free guaranteed!

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Sodomy
Fellatio
Cunnilingus
Pederasty
Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
Masturbation
Can be fun …

MosesInvests February 16, 2012 at 10:00 pm

…Join the Holy Orgy, Kama Sutra ev'ryo-o-one!

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:09 pm

We used to sing that just to drive our parents nuts.

Generation[redacted] February 16, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Does the Catholic church have a position on blowjobs?

Wilcoxyz February 16, 2012 at 4:06 pm

It's cool anywhere but the rectory, I think.

Generation[redacted] February 16, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Sorry folks, the official Catholic church position on blowjobs is, "Altar boy in front"

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 12:33 am

Ay, yes; the rectumry.

gurukalehuru February 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm

In the rectory is anal.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

At least according to my Catholic School sex ed, they're OK as foreplay but the man has to finish by coming in the vagina, with possibility of pregnancy. Really.

HateMachine February 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

My main takeaway from my Catholic sex ed is that the catechism is really weird.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Sweet feckin' christ on the cross! Can't they leave one feckin' thing alone, those miserable bastids.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:57 pm

That's their whole thing, and pretty much their only thing: Any time anyone has an orgasm, it has to be followed nine months later by (hallelujah music, sunbeam through stained glass window) the miracle of childbirth. Another Jesus babby for the Holy Mother Church, etc. etc. etc.

Compare and contrast with the Baptists, et. al., who don't want you to smoke, drink, gamble, dance, OR fuck.

Chet Kincaid February 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Oh for fuck's sake.

starfanglednut February 16, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Wha?

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Blowjobs are a free source of protein, too, so you got your solution to hunger AND your solution to overpopulation.

C_R_Eature February 16, 2012 at 10:07 pm

In My Day, we didn't have Fellatio. We had to do everything by hand!

elviouslyqueer February 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Oh STFU, you pathetic shit-encrusted, miniscule-penised relic.

DaRooster February 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Foster Friess = Santorum Backer

Foster Freeze = Santorum on a cone server

jus_wonderin February 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I think I am getting this. The visual. Forgive me if this is a repost. So, I give my daughter an aspirin before her date and say "Put this between you knees." Okay, so she clenching it with her knees and she can't make the sweet, sweet whoopie her boyfriend is seeking. Hey, as a Dad, I think this could work. Would it work with Tylenol too?

HateMachine February 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Possibly, but not if you've consumed three or more alcoholic beverages recently.

SoBeach February 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I think tylenol held between the knees would be every bit as effective as an aspirin was back in that old puke's youth.

There's only one thing sillier than expecting people not to have sex, and that's pretending like there was ever a time when people didn't have sex.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 10:01 pm

"There's only one thing sillier than expecting people not to have sex, and that's pretending like there was ever a time when people didn't have sex."

Aside from all the many things that are wrong with this ignorant, misogynistic old dickhole and people like him, I've never gotten that thing about how abstinence = birth control. It completely misses the point; it's like saying that leaving your car parked in the garage improves its fuel efficiency.

Of course, I'm overthinking it; these people are twisted, bitter puritans who really think that there shouldn't be any birth control, so that people, especially women, could be punished every time they have sex.

SoBeach February 17, 2012 at 8:55 am

"these people are twisted, bitter puritans who really think that there shouldn't be any birth control, so that people, especially women, could be punished every time they have sex. "

Yep. But it only applied to the underclass. Girls from good families got their indiscretions quietly taken care of, while their parents and friends tut-tutted about how those people couldn't control themselves, which is why they'll never be any more than what they are.

Texan_Bulldog February 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Next nifty idea for the GOP to champion: female genital mutilation–damn women should NOT be experiencing any pleasure whilst pro-creating.

Oh, and this is definitely good news for Mitt Romney.

starfanglednut February 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Don't give them any ideas.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:16 pm

You *do* know that in Mormon theology, women don't go to heaven unless they are married to a man with a Temple Recommend, right? And when they go to heaven, they are plural wives of their man, and perpetually pregnant, because that is their role in life, to have lots and lots of Mormon "spirit babies" for their husband, you know that, right?

Chet Kincaid February 17, 2012 at 9:51 am

I don't know how they've missed that one. If you're going to go Full American Taliban, you've got to bring the FGM. (And don't try to weasel out of the blame for FGM, Islam!)

gurukalehuru February 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

FGM?

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Female Genital Mutilation.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Actually, FGM has nothing to do with Islam, having predated its arrival on the African continent. And by Islamic law, a man must provide his wife with sexual satisfaction, which FGM is the very antithesis of. So, yeah, definitely not Islamic.

Chet Kincaid February 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Well, according to Wikipedia, and some people I know, FGM is condoned by Islam and common to Islamic countries (not just African ones). And though I have seen it claimed that FGM predates Islam in Africa, I have also been told emphatically by a West African that FGM was brought to West Africa by non-indigenous Islam.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 4:54 pm

FGM is not practiced among Indian, Indonesian, Filipino, Malay, Chinese, or Central Asian Muslims, and historically has not been AFAIK. However, my knowledge of African history and culture is not sufficient to allow me to claim with any confidence that the practice originated in Africa.

You realize, of course, that this means I now have to add African history to my reading list. Feel free to make recommendations.

billy_reuben February 20, 2012 at 8:22 am

…FGM is mostly an East African practice, but is also found in the Western Sahel. Its not at all exclusively Muslim — there are numerous Christian and animist ethnic groups that also practice it, e.g. the Christian Meru ethnic group in Kenya.

DaRooster February 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I shit thee not… someone told me this about an hour ago.

RedneckMuslin February 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

He always used the pickup line, "Want Friess with that"?

RedneckMuslin February 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm

So he is suggesting anal sex? Because you can get in the backdoor when the front is pilled.

DaRooster February 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

This would lead to more… um… that guy he likes…

RavenRant February 16, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Of the many things that are making me want to bludgeon these imbeciles with a blunt instrument, the "Why are we talking about contraception, instead of the REAL ISSUES, like imaginary jihadis in my forwarded emails!?!"

NOBODY was talking about contraception, until these morons decided to try to take it away.

As a religious person, I am praying that Santorum gets caught in a horrifyingly perverse sex scandal ASAP.

HateMachine February 16, 2012 at 4:42 pm

It will involve a carnival worker and 3+ marmots.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Wait, there's Angry_Marmot, and pdog, and … who's the third + ?

user-of-owls February 17, 2012 at 12:17 am

I ate it.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 12:29 am

Greedy! (Hugs the user)

And how have you been, my fine-feathered friend? Terrorizing teh student body, perhaps?

Fare la Volpe February 17, 2012 at 7:08 am
Chichikovovich February 16, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I'm not a religious person, and I'm praying for the same thing.* Who says there isn't concord between religious and non-religious in this country?

* One may ask: what is a non-believer doing praying, even for a miracle as wondrous and glorious as Santorum caught on camera performing an act of man-on-dog? Answer: Just in case.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 10:14 pm

A plague of boils visited upon Santorum would have a nice, sort of biblical, quailty.

Trinket February 16, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Good idea! I'm gonna take that up with St. Jude. He's come through for me many times in the past.

RavenRant February 16, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Thanks for the reminder. Saint Jude, the Patron of Lost Causes. I have quite a few prayers to offer him. One involves Viggo Mortensen.

But the Santorum prayer will be first on the list. Something along the lines of "May he openly reveal his true self to the world." That should keep the karma from getting too messy.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 16, 2012 at 11:01 pm

"May he openly reveal his true self to the world."

I believe he's done exactly that. Mitt and the Newticle are pandering to the religious Xtard right, but not Rick. He actually believes the shit he says. Refreshing, in a sadly perverted way.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:18 pm

And yet, he had no problem with *his* wife having the same kind of abortion he plans to deny all other women. So how strong is his faith, really, and in what is it placed?

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:41 pm

"One involves Viggo Mortensen."

Could you ask St. Jude whether Viggo Mortensen and Ving Rhames are friends in real life?

RavenRant February 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Double date, on a wing and a prayer? (To St. Jude.)

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 12:37 am

It'll almost certainly include a dog.

Project much, Santorum?

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Project ^^ILE^^ much, Santorum?

FIFY, NNTT

RavenRant February 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Projection is such a part of the right wing mindset. It makes them eerily transparent – whatever they're accusing the left of, (voter fraud, for example), is what they are balls deep in themselves.

We should make better use of that trail of breadcrumbs to bust their crooked asses.

I'm hoping for a Sandusky/Santorum tie-in.

meatlofer February 16, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Yea,but you could still get in the backdoor,right?

40 or 50 % McShineys February 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm

This is how you lead a "santorum SuperPac." You have to be definitely pro-buttsex.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Now, we shouldn't let Mr. Friess' insane hatred of women and sex lead us to overlook his equally insane racist conspiracy-mongering about "jihadist camps in Latin America". Seriously, where the fuck does anyone get these paranoid fantasies?

anniegetyerfun February 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Where there are brown people, there will be danger to white people, duh.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm

And I guess they all work together against the white folk, even though both groups of browns speak different languages, come from very different cultures and one is mostly Catholic while the other is mostly Muslim.

anniegetyerfun February 16, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Didn't I mention the brown skin? THE THREAT IS IN THE MELANIN.

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2012 at 7:10 pm

OH MY GOD, THERE'S A NEGRO IN MY DAUGHTER! is a porn serial with at least 12 iterations, so, yes.

RavenRant February 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Forwarded emails.

littlebigdaddy February 16, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Beaners and towelheads are basically the same.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Same place they get these notions about wimminz and their sex lives. Some horrendous stewpit of ignorance called their church or fambly or whatever vile brew created these lackwits. Gad, I can't even begin to address this shit, is how angry I am. Because all I can think of is this measly motherfucker don't know shit about human biology. Or animal biology, for that matter. Fuck it, about ANYTHING!!! (bangs head on keyboard repeatedly, slumps to floor, weeping)

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 4:47 pm

This sounds reasonable to me. When I'm feeling a bit jihady I find the camps in Latin America warm and welcoming. They greet you with your own suicide vest bomb when you first arrive. Lovely!

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Mine has umbrella drinks and the *cutest* little gal who does the camouflage face paint.

biblioteq_tress February 17, 2012 at 8:02 pm

If your god doesn't allow you to have sexual fantasies, you're left with paranoid ones. And donuts. Lovely lovely donuts.

Mumbletypeg February 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Hopeless geezer! That wasn't aspirin your hag was hiding between her knees.

TheRiverCharley February 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Listen, there's an important point that is unfortunately being obscured by Friess's hoky "aw shucks" colloquialisms: only sluts get pregnant.

Barrelhse February 16, 2012 at 4:59 pm

His mother was a slut?

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Obvs.

spends2much February 16, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Aspirin, hell, I'd stick a horse laxative up my cooter to avoid sex with that disgusting old fart.

Tundra Grifter February 16, 2012 at 4:02 pm

This guy's parents had quite the sense of humor, didn't they?

Foster Freeze!

What other Famous Foster's are there? Brooks, of course. And…and…and…

RedneckMuslin February 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Foster Grant

Tundra Grifter February 16, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Win!

spinozasgod February 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Foster Home

Tundra Grifter February 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm

The ancient manse located in the Bluegrass State?

Fuck Toad February 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Foster Farms

Tundra Grifter February 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Keep fuckin' that chicken.

Fuck Toad February 16, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Another effective form of birth control.

Tundra Grifter February 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

FT:

I think that would be "Keep choking that chicken."

chicken_thief February 16, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Bananas Foster

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Hitler?

No, that's not right.

Some kind of Australian beer?

Chichikovovich February 16, 2012 at 10:56 pm

You've heard the ads: "Fosters. It's Australian for Hitler."

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 12:50 am

Foster's Australian for Beer?

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

ZOMG, N! PLEASE, change your tagline! OK, don't. See if I care.

DerrickWildcat February 17, 2012 at 2:17 am

Charles Foster Kane

gurukalehuru February 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

The redheaded Foster Childs.

under_score February 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm

My flabber, she is aghasted.

eldswede February 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I confess to being an old. I remember when The Pill first became widely available in my Puritan besotted state and what a life change it was for us DFHs.
Anyway, this bit about knees was a joke frequently told back then. No one was seriously advocating it. Is Mr Friess being misunderstood, maybe, by a too literal reading of his words?

40 or 50 % McShineys February 16, 2012 at 4:59 pm

His "joke" is that women can avoid pregnancy by keeping their legs closed.

Abstinence, ladies! It's your only hope in today's 13th century world!

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm

He really needs to talk to Liz Trotter. According to *her,* women are just being raped too much.

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

A slut is a girl who likes sex but just won't have it with you.

RavenRant February 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I heard this as a riddle:

"What is the difference between a whore and a bitch?"

"A whore will have sex with anyone. A bitch will have sex with anyone but you."

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Did you ever hear "What's the difference between a whore and a slut"?

A whore takes money, a slut gives it away.

Or how about "If a Lady says No, she means Maybe; if she says Maybe, she means Yes. If she says Yes, she's no Lady."

Charming, eh?

RavenRant February 17, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Whereas any guy who fucks anything at all, from a sock, to a marmot, to a child, to adults of any degree of willingness, to a hot tub duct or vacuum hose, (DON"T google), all fall under the indulgent line:

"Boys will be boys!" (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.)

I also love that the prude/slut (aka Madonna/Whore) distinction is binary. There's no midrange between the two. It's so fun being a 'gal' in these interesting times.

Angry_Marmot February 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I've repeated that joke and found a version of it in Ned Ward's London Spy, 1703.

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2012 at 7:14 pm

You took the words right out of my future "progressives" but in high school Gingrich Republicans friends's mouths, with respect the fabled "Popsicle Girl".

& on that "progressive" turn, I know only two people whose political outlook changed after age twenty, & each did it for sex. My Nemesis went Democrat for the pussy, & my two time Alan Keyes for Pres volunteer friend went Neoliberal/"moderate" for better ass. (He also came out.)

ph7 February 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I gave my daughter some money for aspirin, but she bought an Ipad instead. She's a poor example downstream.

ChessieNefercat February 16, 2012 at 7:00 pm

What with the general topic and all, I read iPad entirely the wrong way. Now I got it.

Guppy February 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Because sex can only happen face-to-face, man on top.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 10:46 pm

I thought *everybody* knew that.

Antispandex February 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

My wife has assured me that simply placing my head between her thighs would be just as effective…I think it's a trick.

Fuck Toad February 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm

No, no, she's right!

Spit don't make babies.

Chichikovovich February 16, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Try it for a few months and see how it works out.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 5:05 pm

We won't hear a thing from him for a while, you know.

Chichikovovich February 16, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I certainly wouldn't want us to lose contact with such a valued poster. I was thinking that perhaps there can be a liveblog of the experiment. With his wife at the keyboard, of course.

Edit: Things would quickly get as incoherent as Sarah! but somehow more life-affirming.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Sure, if you want the usual "Oh god! Oh GOD! OH GOD! OMYGAWD! FWEIROIWERHWEII!S!W$E98093!!

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Your wife is *absolutely* correct. Trust me. As a person who knows a great deal about reproductive biology in mammals, I can assure you that if you keep your head between her thighs each and every single time you have sex, you will NEVER have to pay child support or deal with a sprog.

Unless, of course, she's doing the mailman. Then, all bets are off.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

This version of Mr. Friess is even more annoying than Arnold Schwarzenegger's; to think we've got something even worse than his "Ice to see you" puns.

Tommmcattt February 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

You know what other fabulous medical convenience Bayer Industries invented?

Herion. True story. Look it up.

RedneckMuslin February 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm

LEVITRA!

ShaveTheWhales February 16, 2012 at 4:19 pm

The less-addictive replacement for morphine. Ooops.

smokefilledroommate February 16, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Put some of that in your cough syrup!

fartknocker February 16, 2012 at 4:49 pm

They also synthesized the chemistry for Zyclon B and their Chairman of the Board during WWII was convicted during the Nuremberg Trials for human torture.

Chichikovovich February 16, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Yes. Bayer was in fact part of IG Farben, that not only synthesized but manufactured Zyklon B.

IceCreamEmpress February 16, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Herion?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 18, 2012 at 4:14 am

Typo.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 10:32 pm

"You know what other fabulous medical convenience Bayer Industries invented?"

Zyklon B?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bayer

WABishop February 17, 2012 at 12:25 pm

To be fair, it was an off-label usage….

Guppy February 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Are denim shackles close enough?

SayItWithWookies February 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

"Back in my day all our problems had one simple solution — blame the woman."

ph7 February 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Boys will be boys!

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Wait, things have *changed*? Be news to my girlfriend.

Steverino247 February 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

There's a birth control pill for men. You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

<Rimshot>

Thanks folks! I'll be supporting Rick Santorum through the convention. Tip your servers!

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 10:35 pm

"There's a birth control pill for men. You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp."

Let us all sit quietly for a moment, find our respective centers, and imagine the shit hemorrhage the right would have if, say, Michelle Obama or, god help us all, Hillary Clinton, made that joke in public.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Srsly. They'd be pooping giant streams of red.

Swampgas_Man February 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Back in the day, if the "aspirin method" didn't work, the poor woman could always throw herself down a flight of stairs, a folk remedy I recommend for this shitbag.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Wasn't that what Gene Tierney did in Leave Her To Heaven? Or am I thinking some other movie?

chascates February 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm

We shouldn't worry about China overtaking us. We should worry about the 1800s overtaking us.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 10:33 pm

So, Siam and Prussia?

user-of-owls February 17, 2012 at 12:23 am

It's those Hottentots you gotta watch out for.

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 12:57 am

And Edo, oh my!

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Or *under*taking us.

JustPixelz February 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I though the man was supposed to put it in his shoe. To make him limp. HA HA HA HA HA. (wipes tears from eyes) I'm funnier than Foster Friess.

Designer_Rants February 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm

IN FOSTER'S DAY: Men would tie an onion to their belts, and if they felt randy, why they'd pull out a drilling-auger and make a "kitty-hole" in that onion. Then they'd have their way with it in the alley, and it was excruciating! And the whole epidermis of their penises would dry up and flake off, and they couldn't do anything like that again for at least three days. That's because God doesn't like birth control! It's Bayer aspirin for the ladies, it's belt onions for the fellas, and it's so inexpensive! Now let's get back to talkin' about something that isn't really a thing, like jihadists in Brazil.

FakaktaSouth February 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Oh my God, old man humor about how girls didn't USED to be such slutbags. All you nasty bitches with your fancy tupperware and fuck-loving hoohahs. Be ashamed, be very ashamed.

Foster, darling, if you could still get it up, I promise you would want to pay me more than you have Rick Santorum to be between these knees, but I'm not NEAR the whore he is.

Fuck Toad February 16, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I love fuck-loving hoohahs.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Foster would fucking PLOTZ if you came anywhere near his schmuck, it's been that long since he got any. Look at that punim, for the love of the almighty.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:49 pm

There are some things even whores wouldn't do.

Mumbletypeg February 16, 2012 at 4:20 pm

This old codger's solutions to these quandaries really tickle my fibula.

Barrelhse February 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Tickle Me Elbow?

Mumbletypeg February 16, 2012 at 5:54 pm

With that, you got one step closer to humerus than my snark did~

Dashboard Buddha February 16, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I understand an aspirin shoved up the urethra works just as well.

owhatever February 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Why, back in my day, we just used Bayer chastity belts. After that, an astonishing number of babies looked a lot like the local lock-pickers.

HelmutNewton February 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Why are the racist, sexist, dumb-fuck white oldsters the ones with all the money? Is it the same reason why God put all the oil in the Middle East?

ph7 February 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I've heard it's a common side effect of melanin deficiency.

north_of_moscow February 16, 2012 at 4:25 pm

So in Santorum's America we're supposed to expect all the women to stop having sex? This is a terrible campaign strategy.

Ruhe February 16, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Not all the women…just those women.

ChessieNefercat February 16, 2012 at 7:03 pm

i.e., all women.

ShaveTheWhales February 16, 2012 at 4:26 pm

You know, Mr. Fries-with-that, the whole reason that joke ever existed in the first place was the introduction of the BC pill. It stopped being funny when the pill became a commonplace. It hasn't started being funny again.

wolvenwood13 February 16, 2012 at 4:28 pm

In my religion, the Church of All Worlds, a neo-Pagan church, sex is a sacrament. "All acts of love and pleasure are mine" says the Goddess. They are interfering with my religion and my religious beliefs. Why should I have to go against my beliefs to please some ugly old, dickwad mysoginist guys who are repulsed by women?

spinozasgod February 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm

ahhhh, so that's the problem, I've been putting the asprin in my vagina!

Lucidamente1 February 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm

"Well, it's always worked for Alan and me."

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Kirsten, my darling, I do love you, coiner of my favorite description of Newt Gingrich ("amoral jewelry-debt piglet"), but:

" [...] trying to make it through the holiday meal with grandpa sans booze."? I think you meant sans pants, my wild and wicked little wench.

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm

As many of you learned yesterday I learned to never attempt a holiday meal with grandpa sans booze.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Should your grandpa even be *allowed* Viagra? Not to mention booze?

I mean, isn't he like WAY overdue for restraints and a ballgag, dear?

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 4:49 pm

He's way overdue for the Death Panel, but sadly those were just a right wingnut rumor.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I'm definitely getting the impression that Gramps ain't that popular with the famz. Is there any hope that he'll pop his clogs soon? I mean, my mother finally did, and I had bets going with everybody and their sister-in-law's second illegitimate cousin that she would be tossing the turf in my grave.

Exhausted66 February 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Another method is to be soft serve.

/Foster's Freeze joke!

UnholyMoses February 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Ya know, back in the day they burned witches and strung black folks up from a tree until they were dead, too.

Doesn't mean either one was a good idea.

Now would the baby boomers just up and die already so the rest of us can advance society a wee bit? Please?

kthxbai

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Uh, dood? You cannot haz. Some of us right here iz teh baby boomers. Also, too, there's plenty in your own ranks as could do with a weeding, if you get my drift, and I b'leev you do. (waggles eyebrows meaningfully)

UnholyMoses February 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Well, okay — not ALL the Boomers. Many of y'all are good people.

How's about we just take out all older (read: 25+) Southern white folks and … uh … hold on a second …

**checks age and address on drivers license**

Nevermind.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 5:10 pm

It'll be OK, rly.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 10:58 pm

a) Foster Fries was born in 1940, which makes him at least four years too old to be a baby boomer,
b) The people who demonstrated for civil rights and for women's rights and against immoral wars and corporate greed were baby boomers, so that even if Foster Fries were born/excreted in the right time frame, his ideology is all wrong for the baby boomers (and indeed, everyone with a brain),
c) This baby boomer doesn't intend to die anytime soon if I can help it.

comrad_darkness February 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Oh yeah, "Let's change the subject" instead of a follow up question like, why is this certifiable loon bankrolling a major candidate for president of the largest economy in the world?

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick with an aspirin between his knees.

And you just know Mr. Chuckles the Smile Goon here is getting it on the side from a veritable herd of diamond whores…

starfanglednut February 16, 2012 at 9:08 pm

"Jesus Christ on a pogo stick with an aspirin between his knees."

hilarious.

voodooeconomics February 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm

We are the White Cock Party of Religious Conservatives and we know whats good for you Woman…now get that bayer between your legs and lets rock..

littlebigdaddy February 16, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Mr. Burns?

comrad_darkness February 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Why did Whitney have to die while this pile of patronizing pussy patrol is still living?

BigDumbRedDog February 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Wait, does tylenol work?

BigDumbRedDog February 16, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I take birth control, but its only for my crippling migraines.

BigDumbRedDog February 16, 2012 at 4:56 pm

You should have told your mom this. before you were born.

lochnessmonster February 16, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Andrea…what did you expect having this guy on? Sanity, compassion, brains???

V572 Flambé February 16, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Foster Friess for HHS Secretary!

And thanks for this little preview of life in the Santorum Administration.

Barrelhse February 16, 2012 at 4:58 pm

The aspirin routine was old when Arlene Francis said it, and the joke wasn't particularly funny then, either.
This guy is another dismal piece of fuck who has been emboldened by the current toxic political discourse to crawl out of the woodwork. My fear is that there exist millions like him who will skew us to the far-right. My hope is that these idiots will frighten people into voting against them, but that would mean that the US electorate is educated and thoughtful- I'm not too certain that's the case. We shall see in November to Remember.

BlueStateLibel February 16, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I thought back in this old coot's days, everyone just wore a bag of onions on their belt as a form of birth control?

Also, just what the country needs, birth-control advice from a man who's last sexual enounter was in the Edwardian era.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:04 pm

"a man who's last sexual enounter was in the Edwardian era."

Yeah — Edward the Confessor.

Chichikovovich February 16, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Just make a short clip of this, with the slogan "Women: This man is spending tens of millions of dollars so that his soulmate Rick Santorum can tell you how to live your life". Put it on Youtube, forward it to everyone you know.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I wish all these fucksticks would actually go back in their day, and stay the fuck there.

witmemo February 16, 2012 at 5:09 pm

In my day we used a dried bean. Put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

rickmaci February 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

That was the punch line from a crappy joke from 30 years ago. It wasn't funny then and it's less so now.

reginagreene February 16, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Since he's keen on exchanging medical advice, my prescription for him is a jumbo bottle of Lomotil, or maybe a shunt so they can pipe it in on a regular basis. This might help reduce the severity and volume of his Santorum.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:07 pm

My prescription for him is a piping hot bowl of Shut the Fuck Up — but yours is good, too.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:56 pm

You've changed ever so much of late, my dear.

reginagreene February 17, 2012 at 6:08 am

Been taking online courses for some learning and articulation, now I guess its paying off!!! But as soon as there are some raging conservative trolls around for me to parasitize, the old Regina will be back.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

You did an excellent job. Kudos!

Chet Kincaid February 17, 2012 at 9:32 am

Flowers For Algernon?

reginagreene February 17, 2012 at 12:37 pm

"Flowers for Algernon" would only be apt if there had been at least a fleeting moment of heightened intelligence and creativity, followed by the tragic reversion. I never actually made it that far. I think there may have been a point where I stumbled less and could make the right facial expressions (e.g., stroking my chin thoughtfully while looking off in the distance, even though I was probably thinking about snacks or beer), but I'm not even sure about that now.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm

You're a hoot. Change the av, though it's a dead giveaway. Perhaps that Duncan dood who killed that family, what's his name, JET? Good looking, too.

ChuckieJesus February 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I grew up in a lesbian household, mom's first girlfriend told me that line about aspirin-between-the-knees when I asked about birth control pills right around the beginning of puberty. Mom apologized for her, said she'd grown up Catholic and very conservative.

I wonder what Ol' Flaps here would say if I told him he has a lot in common with an old lesbian.

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Congrats! It seems the naughty comments pull the 113p

Steverino247 February 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Well, then let's spend the rest of the day commenting on each other and skip up to 120 or so. Whaddya say? Hmm?

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 6:50 pm

I have a comment about rubbing your balls that's just waiting for you.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 7:10 pm

OK now you're just trying to make me jealous. And succeeding.

Steverino247 February 16, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I can see I picked the wrong time to leave the computer! Gah! OK, let's see the ball rubbing comment. I can take it.

horsedreamer_1 February 16, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I'll give her five bees for just the tip.

gout February 16, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I kinda feel sorry for old man Friess. One of the dangers of becoming a bazillionaire, all the toadies who you pay to follow you around and laugh at your dumb jokes warp your sense of reality until you think that people will laugh at any dumb turd that falls out of your mouth. Poor old fella, guess it is time to take him out behind the barn…

GregComlish February 16, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Also, next time she says she's got a headache: No Problem!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 16, 2012 at 8:01 pm

1) Of course, back in his day, knights were bold, and rubbers not invented.

2) This guy has always had a reliable form of birth control: his face.

3) Among twenty snowy mountains,
The only effective contraception
Was the eye of the blackbird.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:12 pm

"Of course, back in his day, knights were bold, and rubbers not invented."

I think there's a poem about that.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 16, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Yes, Wallace Stevens' "13 Ways of Looking at a Rubber"

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I was thinking of "Stopping by the Rubber on a Snowy Evening" — you know, the one that goes, "Whose junk this is, I think I know" — but yours is good, too.

user-of-owls February 17, 2012 at 12:22 am

For some reason, what runs through my head is, "Quoth the Wifey, Nevermore."

C_R_Eature February 16, 2012 at 8:06 pm

You know, Civil behavior is widely available and not expensive.

Back in my day,we used Baseball bats for communication. We beat the shit out of guys that insulted and demeaned our friends, family and loves and it wasn’t that costly.

IceCreamEmpress February 16, 2012 at 9:03 pm

"Not expensive," I get, but "widely available?" That shit seems to be out of stock everywhere these guys shop.

C_R_Eature February 16, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Oh, it is everywhere. You just have to want to find it.

I never have any problem, at all.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Of course, the problem with that was, the wooden bats tended to splinter too easily. I suppose a person could use one of those aluminum bats, but you know how it is — you let one tradition fall by the wayside, and the next thing you know, hell in a handbasket, am I right?

C_R_Eature February 16, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Helena Handbasket agrees.
Tradition in these matters is important, not only for aesthetics but for very practical reasons. A good old fashioned Ash bat will last for hundreds of Rude Bastard Beat Downs. It's the new commercial forest Maple bats that go all to hell at the first blow to the head.
Don't get me started on Aluminum. That "ping" sound is just Wrong and there's no shock absorption. Very hard on the wrists. If you're going to have to engage in a proper Beating, why not make it as enjoyable as possible?

Steverino247 February 16, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Axe handles. Very nice smack sound they make, too.

C_R_Eature February 16, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Those are good too and inexpensive enough to let you keep a nice stack of them in the trunk, just for general mayhem. With the money you save, you can accessorize with a quality hockey goalie's mask.

TheRiverCharley February 16, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Not the ones who love Jesus, anyway.

GregComlish February 16, 2012 at 8:37 pm

To the extent that "Aspirin between the knees" works, it is still birth control and still violates the will of Christ, dipshit.

fuflans February 16, 2012 at 9:34 pm

i really really hope santorum gets the nomination.

WABishop February 16, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Matt Yglesias pointed out today that aspirin was cheap back in the day thanks to big government's seizure of Bayer patents.

Foster is really saying that poor people should abstain from sex if they can't afford to become pregnant. Oh that sweet, sweet, caring man.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 9:44 pm

I have a deep-seated moral and spiritual belief that this ignorant, misogynistic old shit needs a good swift kick in the balls.

Chichikovovich February 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Me too! I bet we could get a couple hundred thousand like minded people in a couple of days, millions within a couple of months. Then we just have to find some god that people aren't using any more – I don't think any Algonquins worship Gitche Manitou anymore, we could adopt him, and voilà – a religion. Devoted to paying homage to Gitche Manitou by satisfying his one and only demand (as revealed to his prophets tessiee and Chichikovovich): kick Foster Friess right in the nuts.

I mean, it would be exactly like the Holocaust for the government to interfere with out right to fulfill our religious obligations, as conscience demands.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:55 pm

A side benefit of this would be that we could call ourselves the Algonquin Round Table.

Chichikovovich February 17, 2012 at 7:57 am

Great observation! And it would be an especially appropriate name too, since if Dorothy Parker read the run of chatter here, and learned that all of us had been laid end to end, she wouldn't be at all surprised.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:53 pm

(Hands Tessiee the crown)

fuflans February 16, 2012 at 9:46 pm

oh. and:

gross.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Can we pass a law whereby any man who sees fit to pontificate on what kinds of birth control women may or may not use be compelled to have a mandatory rectal ultrasound?

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:59 pm

This Foster guy's ass must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I'm sorry, I just have to steal that.

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 12:14 am

Where is Ashton Kutcher? Surely, we are being punk'd.

tessiee February 17, 2012 at 12:21 am

Oh, sure! Put all the blame on the womenfolks, with no thought for those smooth-talkin' guys who ply us with gas station wine and discount tickets to the strip club (2-for-1 early bird special on Tuesdays!).

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 1:06 am

This is why America can't and won't ever have nice things.

Negropolis February 17, 2012 at 3:11 am

Silly me. Here I was thinking women were supposed to use aspirin for headaches 'caused by too-tight shoes. That's what Bachmann's people told me, anyway. I had no idea it could be used for birth control, too!

ttommyunger February 17, 2012 at 9:05 am

I just can't look at Andrea without thinking of Alan Greenspan's ball-sack on her chin. (shivers) I guess that's why I can't look at her.

DahBoner February 17, 2012 at 9:28 am

Then afterwards, you stand on your head and pour a Coca Cola down your cooter

Troglodeity February 17, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Meet President Santorum's Surgeon General.

biblioteq_tress February 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm

"Let's change the subject…" LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT!?!?!? This dessicated mummy of republinazi essence just insulted your entire sex, Andrea, and you CHANGE THE FREAKING SUBJECT. HE'S SANTORUM'S ADVISOR, ANDREA. YOU MUST TAKE THIS COPROLITE SERIOUSLY. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S A MISOGYNISTIC DIPSHIT.

(sorry, i've been locked in a federal office the past two days. this has probably already been said)

biblioteq_tress February 17, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Or headache remedies.

65mac February 18, 2012 at 2:25 pm

My Grandma always said, "The only true contraceptive is Anal Sex".
Now, I find there's another. Grandma couldn't have been wrong, could she have?

Soylent Green February 23, 2012 at 3:16 pm

And that's the GOP's alternative to ObamaCare. Really. It is. I'm not trying to be snarky.

TribecaMike June 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

How does someone get pregnant if their knees are tightly squeezed together? Pardon my naivety, but unlike Frosty Friess I've never read the Kama Sutra.

Fare la Volpe February 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm

It's right up there with "Can I finish in your hair?"

Drives the ladies wild.

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Now Soros, get it right. The line was "Would it be okay if I came in your butt?".

As you can tell, it reeks of romance.

Fuck Toad February 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Yes. The best women ever.

Steverino247 February 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Not to mention santorum.

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I can't believe you didn't rush to snag that amazing guy immediately.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Mostly just reeks, but(t) hey.

BornInATrailer February 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm

It's hard to determine via text, but it almost sounds like you two are being sarcastic.

starfanglednut February 16, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Almost as good as gas station wine.

MissTaken February 16, 2012 at 4:26 pm

A decision I've regretted for the last 10 years.

He's probably living in some trailer right now playing daddy to 6 kids while tending to this week's meth batch in the bathtub while watching Glenn Beck TV.

And I'm stuck boning a ginger, instead.

smokefilledroommate February 16, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Oh hey, it's Fuck Toad! Haven't seen you in a while, Fuck.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

You sound SO regretful, dear. (adjusts hidden video cameras and mikes)

SorosBot February 16, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Well I'm glad to reap the benefits of your loss there.

Dashboard_Jesus February 17, 2012 at 2:53 am

whoa, careful with the 'ginger' reference, I hear Newell is back, and he's ANGRY!

Fuck Toad February 16, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Politics was getting to the gun-in-the-mouth depressing stage there for a while. Decided to focus on trolling non-political blogs for a while. But I missed all you worthly Wonkett skum.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Geez, dood, go easy with that reaping, we're all just about getting ready for the damn wedding heah.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 16, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Typical male reapist.

starfanglednut February 16, 2012 at 8:47 pm

This time, we MUST get video!

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 10:52 pm

I'm tellin' ya. Those two made the fuckin' earth move as far north as Oregon this weekend. They've gotta know something we don't.

MittBorg February 16, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Good grief. Compare and contrast with the Hindus, who think fucking is a good thing, and, at least in private, can be pretty fucking sexual and adventurous. What? You think those 1.x BILLION people came outa nowhere?

Even Muslims think fucking is a good thing, geeze. I just read a book on the underwear markets of Syria (god I hope they survive the shit that's going on), and it sounds like people know how to *enjoy* their sex, no matter what the imams and mullahs say.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Well, OK… But if the other person is sick and pukes, it would be hard not to take it personally.

tessiee February 16, 2012 at 11:37 pm

I remember reading somewhere or other that part of a good Jewish man's duty as a husband was to give his wife pleasure during the sexual-intercourse thing, but I don't know whether that's accurate.

Chet Kincaid February 17, 2012 at 9:37 am

There's an entire book on the underwear markets of Syria?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Some animals are more equal than others.

(I read that somewhere, prolly on the interwebs.)

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 12:07 am

It's part of the marriage contract. A woman may divorce her husband if he fails to give her sexual satisfaction. This is also true for Muslim women.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 12:08 am

I seem to remember a buncha pigs saying that.

Same thing, really.

gurukalehuru February 17, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Over in Limeyland they eat Marmot all the time. Spread that shit on bread. Fucking disgusting.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Actually I think that's in DownUnderland. Bovril is in Limeyland.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Yes. I forget the exact title, might be "Syrian Lingerie," haha, so imaginative. It's filled with photographs of Teh Sexay Underwearz of the Syrian ladies. Those gals like to get DOWN! So to speak.

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Not THAT angry.

Chet Kincaid February 17, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Oh I SEE, it's filled with sexy photos, this book that you "read"!

MittBorg February 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Check it out, baby! Srsly, the photographer is good, and there are interviews with various women, and they're cute and funny and it's a side of Islam and Syrian culture that I had never expected. Enjoy!

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