may cause stupidity

Aspirin Has Other Exciting Off-Label Use Ladies Will Want To Know About

This ancient billionaire coot with the game show host grin is Foster Friess, the big bucks behind some Rick Santorum Super PAC, and he would like to tell you that America is far too obsessed with the fictional problem of reproductive health and not nearly concerned enough with the very real and urgent problem of “jihadist camps being set up in Latin America.” That is a good story! Tell us another story, old-timer! “Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly,” he explains. Oooh, so that’s how the baby boomer generation happened. The more you know!

Poor Andrea Mitchell makes a face like she’s been slapped and asks for a second to recover her breath. Understandably, since the entire interview is the sort of nightmare you envision when you think about trying to make it through the holiday meal with grandpa sans booze. [YouTube]

Comments

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  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Apparently the men of the era shoved willow branches up their asses.

    • DaRooster

      You mean they fell on a stick while walking their dog.

      (actual excuse used in a local hospital)

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oh christ, who the fuck did he think he was kidding?

        • DaRooster

          There was another guy that fell on his "Bowflex"…

          The worst part was the guy was about 350 pounds… at least he was using the Bowflex for something.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Remind me to tell you the story of Couch Woman, one of these days when we're in need of a, uh, lift.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You'd be amazed at how much that enhances your organism. Among other things, of course.

    • chicken_thief

      With a slight mod to the "Rule of Thumb" rule, prolly…

    • Nostrildamus

      As was the fashion at the time. Give me 5 branches for a quarter we'd say…

    • BlackRhino

      I heard if he’d put aspirin between his teeth, he’d shut the fuck up.

  • Limeylizzie

    I'd like to shove an Alka-Seltzer up his anus.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Turns frothy into fizzy.

    • Barb

      plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what an asshole he is!

    • SorosBot

      Or better yet, shove it up his urethra.

      • Limeylizzie

        Ouch.

      • chicken_thief

        Damnnnnn! If I ever piss you off, just tell me – ok? We can work it out.

    • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

      Good way to augment the Santorum.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Har-dee-har-har, Foster!
      That was a real knee-slapper!

  • Barb

    Were they baby aspirin?

    • Crank_Tango

      too soon!
      .

    • SorosBot

      Fetus aspirin.

    • MissTaken

      Little, yellow, different, better.

      • Guppy

        Those little yellow pills are stealing jerbs from the white ones!

      • Angry_Marmot

        That's what Pete Hoekstra asked for.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Sampson :: Hair =/= Barb :: Uterus.

      Still goin' strong!

      • Barb

        Awww:: love= / = You!

  • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

    Andrea Mitchell does the slappin' usually. Just ask Alan Greenspan.

  • banana_bread

    I am so goddamned sick of old white men in this country telling us that ladies are just too whorey to take care of themselves. Once, just once, I'd like to see a talking head telling men to keep it in their pants.

    Or, shock! How about we stop legislating outdated moral outrage and start giving women rights over their own bodies?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      WUT? Hey! A MAN might want to use those bodies, you hapless female!

      Damn, who unchained those gals and took the ballgags out?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    SORRY I DON'T GET IT

    • http://gawker.com Jim Newell

      makes sure ladies keep their legs closed. this was seriously what he said on television.

      • SheriffRoscoe

        Oh, right……I see now. Men see the door is closed so they never think of going in through a window.

        • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

          Or circling the house to find the back door.

        • Wilcoxyz

          I usually try the backdoor first. That's just me.

          • SorosBot

            Well women just love to hear "Can I do it in your butt?", trust me on this one.

          • Fare la Volpe

            It's right up there with "Can I finish in your hair?"

            Drives the ladies wild.

          • BornInATrailer

            It's hard to determine via text, but it almost sounds like you two are being sarcastic.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Almost as good as gas station wine.

          • MissTaken

            Now Soros, get it right. The line was "Would it be okay if I came in your butt?".

            As you can tell, it reeks of romance.

          • Steverino247

            Not to mention santorum.

          • SorosBot

            I can't believe you didn't rush to snag that amazing guy immediately.

          • MissTaken

            A decision I've regretted for the last 10 years.

            He's probably living in some trailer right now playing daddy to 6 kids while tending to this week's meth batch in the bathtub while watching Glenn Beck TV.

            And I'm stuck boning a ginger, instead.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You sound SO regretful, dear. (adjusts hidden video cameras and mikes)

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            This time, we MUST get video!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I'm tellin' ya. Those two made the fuckin' earth move as far north as Oregon this weekend. They've gotta know something we don't.

          • SorosBot

            Well I'm glad to reap the benefits of your loss there.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Geez, dood, go easy with that reaping, we're all just about getting ready for the damn wedding heah.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Typical male reapist.

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            whoa, careful with the 'ginger' reference, I hear Newell is back, and he's ANGRY!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Not THAT angry.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Mostly just reeks, but(t) hey.

          • Fuck Toad

            Yes. The best women ever.

          • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

            Oh hey, it's Fuck Toad! Haven't seen you in a while, Fuck.

          • Fuck Toad

            Politics was getting to the gun-in-the-mouth depressing stage there for a while. Decided to focus on trolling non-political blogs for a while. But I missed all you worthly Wonkett skum.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Used to making deliveries at the tradesmen's entrance, eh?

        • BigDumbRedDog

          Pick the lock! Or just kick the door down! I mean she's practically asking for it!

      • tessiee

        Please, like that fat old turd has had the opportunity to be anything BUT celibate since the Eisenhower administration.

    • Barb

      He didn't say the joke correctly. You take an aspirin for birth control. You are supposed to hold it between your knees constantly. This passed for humor way beck when the Mastodons pranced across the earth.

      • MrFizzy

        Before doggie style was invented.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Why, the very IDEA of doggystyle would give the old timers a brain-numbing stroke!! Just like Joe Paterno's innocent, trusting ears were so violated at the very IDEA of a man fucking a boy that he was silent about it for an entire decade!

        • GhostBuggy

          Mastodon-style?

      • emmelemm

        You're right, I didn't get it. But now I do. And I hate it even more.

        • Guppy

          Nothing breeds contempt like understanding.

      • MadBrahms

        "Back in my day, we just roped their legs together. Worked like a charm! Made it a little hard for them to move about the kitchen, though."

        I hate that man.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        LOLA, could we stop talking about my age, please?

      • ChessieNefercat

        Too bad a mastodon didn't prance across old Foster Freeze. What a shame he didn't understand it was his own fat self that kept the "gals" holding their li'l ol' slutty legs together.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          You almost have to wonder how come someone who would NEVAH get laid if he didn't have a fuckin' shitload of money has the fuckin' brass monkey balls to be telling the rest of us about fucking.

    • Callyson

      Neither does he.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      "Make 'em knock-knee'd, then they won't get knocked-up!" Simple, right?

  • http://www.lithappens.com/blog/ Lit Happens

    How did that work when they were totally shitfaced on Lydia Pinkham?

    • jqheywood

      Is that like a lesbian Cleveland Steamer?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      We'll drink a drink a drink
      To Lily the Pink the Pink the Pink
      Saviour of the human race
      For she invented
      Medicinal compound
      Most efficacious in every case

  • Crank_Tango

    I wonder what the women did after the beatings they received for trying to be cute with the old aspirin-between-the-knees trick? Also the rapes they should have expected…

    • Swampgas_Man

      Don't worry, they didn't get abortions; just sent away to Aunt Millie's for a month or so.

      • sharethegrief

        No, Aunt Millie was a monthly visitor, unless the aspirin failed.

      • comrad_darkness

        They did get abortions. A hot gin bath.
        http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/66/

        • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

          Fascinating!
          Thanks!

      • Negropolis

        Delicious wheat bread libel!

    • V572 Flambé

      This was before they could file EEO complaints about being "raped too much," according to Liz the Trotter.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Well now, as long as they weren't raped too much…

    • horsedreamer_1

      "Rapes they expected" has a ring similar to "cakes we like". Any surprise that CakeFarts.com is a thing, then?

      • Crank_Tango

        and Cookie-Puss is a cake…I dunno where Fudgie the Whale fits into all of this but…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        OK, I'm not — for the first time in like fucking FOREVAH — I'm not gonna look that up.

        OK, maybe I am. But not today, at least.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Papa Bear, as kinky a bastard as you are, Cake Farts would be right up your alley.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            A'ight, a'ight awreddy, I'm'a geddonit.

            Bet it's in the updated Encyclopedia of Unusual Sexual Practices.

  • Sassomatic

    You know what this guy should hold between his knees? A shot gun.

    • tessiee

      He's so fucking stupid he'd probably point it in the wrong direction and shoot a hole in the floor instead of blowing his big, empty head off like he's supposed to.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I was kinda hoping he'd find some way to point it at his balls and blow THOSE off instead. Because, you know, it's not as if blowing his head off is going to do him any harm. He's not using it for anything.

  • http://wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

    He should change his name to Freedom Friess, for American Liberty.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Like that geezer ever actually got near a red snapper.

  • CarnyTrash

    Reminds me of the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.

    • tessiee

      Now in those days, a turkey was known as… a Walkin' Bird. We'd have Walkin' Bird with all the trimmings — cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder…

  • hagajim

    "Shit my Dad Says" redux? Seriously though, Latin American jihadist camps? How does he know, has he seen them? If so why is he not on the no-fly list. Paranoid old fucks being paranoid old fucks….damn.

  • MissTaken

    Dammit! And all this time I've been putting the aspirin in the crook of my elbow. KNEES, now you tell me!

    • Crank_Tango

      that's to prevent handjobs.

    • SorosBot

      Instead you wantonly open your legs and allow yourself to have and give pleasure, when you should be listening to this fat old man and keeping yourself pure for that eventual husband with whom you will have procreational-only sex that's really awkward because you're both virgins and have no idea what you're doing.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Q: What do you call Christian foreplay?

        A: Marriage.

      • Crank_Tango

        yeah but on the upside, you will have a shitload of babies.

        • MissTaken

          BABBYS!1!

      • MissTaken

        And then we'll only masturbate when the other is ill and is forced to watch.

        "Honey, I know you're running an 103 degree fever and just want to sleep but you need to look at me while I rub my clit. KEEP LOOKING!!"

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I could spell your partner, if he gets, you know, tired. Just letting you know.

        • tessiee

          "we'll only masturbate when the other is ill and is forced to watch."

          OK, letting the other person watch you masturbate? I'm OK with.
          *Forcing* the other person to watch you masturbate? Seems a bit unnecessary, but *meh* *shrug* I'm game.
          Forcing the other person to watch you masturbate when they're ill? OK, now THAT's just downright kinky.

          • MissTaken

            What if one spouse in unable to have sex because of sickness or physical limitations? In this situation, masturbation seems a reasonable option, but we would suggest it is best done in the presence of the spouse. This significantly reduces the chances of wrong thoughts, and allows the partner to be a part of the activity by holding the one masturbating, offering some form of stimulation, or describing what they could be doing if they were both able to have sex.
            http://site.themarriagebed.com/sexuality/sexual-p

          • tessiee

            Well, OK… But if the other person is sick and pukes, it would be hard not to take it personally.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You have NO idea how true that is. Where I come from, it is often the case that young people didn't have the first fucking clue what to do or how. The resulting trauma (and I do mean injury to mostly ladyparts) was the best ever argument for just handing these women and their spouses a copy of "Our Bodies Our Selves" with instructions to read the whole fucking thing, but especially the chapters on sex. Vaginal tears, anal tears, abrasions, bleeding, and misery all around.

        • SorosBot

          It's why, as I have said before, two virgins should not have sex with each other. Everyone's first time really should be with someone who know what they are doing and can teach their inexperienced partner; I know I'm glad my first was with a woman who had quite a bit of experience and could show my then-ignorant self what to do.

          • Fare la Volpe

            Amen. I'm pleased as fuck that my first knew what he was doing, because if we had been trying to figure out together some of the insane shit I wanted to try, I guarantee one of us would have ended up in the hospital.

          • tessiee

            I'm not opposed to harvesting the occasional cherry, but regardless of who the more experienced partner is, I'm in favor of the "campsite rule": Leave it better than you found it.

    • Guppy

      If you can hold an aspirin between your elbows behind your back, you'll be popular in certain circles.

      Or so I've heard.

  • bumfug

    Also, Mentos and Coke made a damn fine douche.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Why do you think they called "The Freshmaker"?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Fresh goes better. Fresh goes better… With Mentos fresh & full of vaginal blight.

    • emmelemm

      Failing that, Lysol.

      {shudder}

  • Callyson

    "Let's change the subject to…anything else for fuck's sake…"

    • CommieLibunatic

      No no no, back this insanity bus the fuck up. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT IN THE SCREAMING FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?

      • comrad_darkness

        Damn straight. Be a journalist. Fucking Morry Povich would have handled this properly.

        • tessiee

          I'm not so sure. Aren't at least half the episodes of his show, "Who's your baby daddy?"

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Poor Andrea Mitchell? Where was the bitchslap that this foul asshat so richly deserved. Why must we accept this level of disrespect with no commentary.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Slapping pig-ignorant old fucks is Liberal Bias.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      By the time she had figured out his stupid, ancient joke, he had already fled the interview. The lesson: if you want to insult a woman, consult rare old books of Gentlemen's Ribaldry. She'll never know what hit her!

      • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

        I was watching while it happened. If I knew what Friess meant, she had to have

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          It's just me that's slow on the up-take, then. I don't process "stupid" very quickly.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          She's old enough that she *definitely* knew what he was talking about, because *I* heard that all the time growing up and she's just a bit older than me.

  • Sassomatic

    Chics these days, what a bunch of sluts, amirite?

  • Callyson

    And speaking of WTF…jobless camps being set up in Latin America?!?

  • edgydrifter

    Shorter Foster Friess: YER ALL WHORES! FILTHY GOD-DAMNED WHOOOOORES!! NOW QUIT SPREADIN' YER WHORE LEGS AND GO IRON MY SHIRTS!

    • emmelemm

      And make me a sandwich!

    • ChessieNefercat

      Should I make you a sammich first? Hmm, Foster, honey, baby? (curtsies, looks for matches, gasoline)

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Always iron their shirts first. It gives you something hot and heavy to whup 'em upside the haid wiv, plus you can tie 'em up pretty handy with the cord for the wrists and the shirtsleeves for the ankles. Use underwear and another long-sleeved shirt for the gag.

        *Helpful Tips For Killing Your Boyfriend/Husband*

    • tessiee

      Yeah, because if there's anything the menfolk hate, it's fucking…
      Oh, wait, that can't be right.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I hear Snooki uses a bowling ball.

    • Crank_Tango

      I thought that was the Situation.

      • Negropolis

        Genius! If there is already something up there, it's harder to get something else in..for some.

  • smashedinhat

    As a man I feel moved to opine that I hope I never become as disconnected from reality as some mentally challenged shrivelled nut sacks proudly show themselves to be.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I'm sorry, but my religion doesn't allow aspirin.

    • DaRooster

      Put prayer between your legs… that'll be about all that's left pretty soon anyhow.

  • nounverb911

    Why didn't Freiss just sing "I Got Rhythm"?

    • tessiee

      Too blah.

  • MissTaken

    This has given me a headache, thankfully there's an aspirin between my knees I can take.

    OOPS! Gosh darn it, I just fell on a penis.

    • Fare la Volpe

      They're everywhere, I tells ya! Just today we had the Orkin man come by to spray for penis.

      • Barb

        Penis infestation? Cock-roaches?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Penis infestation? Where? How do I ge there?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Relax. CPAC is done for the year.

    • Guppy

      Well, what did you expect, being in close contact all the time?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You gotta watch your step, girl. Trip and fall, and next thing you know, you done impaled yourself.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "Oops, I Fell On A Penis" was Britney's best work.

  • http://wonkette.com Chillwillard

    "Friess and Santorum": worst dollar menu item ever.

    • HarryButtle

      That'd make him a bucket, no?

    • anniegetyerfun

      It's like poutine! Hold the poon.

      • http://wonkette.com Chillwillard

        That avatar is a timeless classic. Nicely done, Annie.

        • anniegetyerfun

          Thank you! They are my new heroes, for their bravery.

  • LiveToServeYa

    His face got like that by swallowing a diaphragm for a headache. Obviously.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Given who she's spent the last 15 years married to, Andrea Mitchell really should be used to the incoherent ramblings of a crazy old man by now.

    • James Michael Curley

      Andrea Mitchell actually said that she said yes to him although she was not sure he had asked her to marry him.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I so forgot that that I had to look it up. Eww, I think that's the first time I've ever written that in an internet comment, but eww. http://bit.ly/yK2i1a

  • HempDogbane

    Turdblossom has faxed this valuable talking point far and wide, so it will be in heavy use.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I'd like to hear this guy's take on global warming.

    • MrFizzy

      That has to do with aspirin too.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Well, heh-heh, back in mah day, if it was a warm day, you had yourself some good old fashioned ice cold lemonade. Then you pried that little old Bayhr aspern from between your gal's legs, and by God, you gave her a reason to sweat! Heh-heh. And it wasn't expensive and you didn't need all those environmental whatdoyoucallems, liberal regulatory foolishness.

      Anyway, it's February and it's snowing. See?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Actually, the weather here has been fucking crazy. It was really cold a few days ago, but just beautiful, a blue and gold day that looked perfect till you stepped out of the house, when the wind froze your ass. Now it's been *hot* for the past few days, in the mid to high *70s* and everything's blooming. No rain. Normally, this time of year, it's cold, damp, gray, mingy, wet, foggy, rainy, and utterly unbearably wintery and everyone's dying for a warm day of, oh, 55F. I just know a freezing wind will hit next week and kill the camellias. I can feel it in my bones.

    • unclejeems

      What warming? What globe?

    • tessiee

      I'm pretty sure you can't have global anything when you think the earth is flat.

    • Negropolis

      If we'd just start clogging tailpipes with aspirin…

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Five Easy Pieces libel!

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Is this the same fecal sculpture who told the "liberal, moderate and conservative" knee-slapper at CPAC, then laughed harder when he realized he was the only one laughing?

    Look out behind you, Dennis Miller. Someone's gaining on you.

  • mavenmaven
  • MrFizzy

    Callista's cooter is filled to the brim with aspirin, at least that's what it looks like.

    • Sassomatic

      Urgh. You had to use the word "cooter"?

      • MrFizzy

        It's an alliteration – I'm working on a kids' book called "Callista's Cooter is Crying".

        • ChessieNefercat

          Ah, you're being literary. Carry on. It's quite sophisticated, now that I read it again.

          • MrFizzy

            Thanks. Indeed, there's nothing like throwing around terms like "cooter" and "turd cutter" at a polo match to prove that you belong.

      • 40 or 50 % McShineys

        Would you prefer Newt-chute?

        • MrFizzy

          Nothing and no one would prefer that.

    • chicken_thief

      If she got them from Cindy McCain they aren't aspirin.

      • tessiee

        Callista's married to Newt; if she has any mind-altering substances (and I hope for her sake that she does), she's not wasting them on her vadge.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    I do like Andrea Mitchell having a "Wait, what?" moment. If she'd had a few more of those at home with Alan Greenspan when he was explaining his Ayn Rand-influenced economic theories, maybe the world would not have exploded.

  • CapnFatback

    "Okay, girls, I'm going to be doing this . . ."

    *unzips pants, makes pelvic thrusting motions*

    ". . . and if your vagina gets in the way and you get impregnated, it's YOUR fault."

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      Say, does that really work?

    • tessiee

      Homer Simpson: OK, pie, I'm just gonna do this…
      *takes bites of air*
      And if you get in the way, it's just too bad.
      *takes air bites while walking toward pie*
      *hits forehead on stove hood*
      OW!!! Oh, the hell with it!
      *grabs pie*
      Om nom nom nom…

  • An_Outhouse

    Take two aspirin and call me in the morning just took on a new meaning.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Foster Freiss–Santorum Supporter

    'Nuf said

  • Wilcoxyz

    Funny, but it would have been better if he just appealed for more blowjobs. For traditional values, religious liberty and health savings.

    • SorosBot

      More blowjobs, and more cunnilingus; we can't neglect the ladies' pleasure. And both are 100% baby-free guaranteed!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Sodomy
        Fellatio
        Cunnilingus
        Pederasty
        Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
        Masturbation
        Can be fun …

        • MosesInvests

          …Join the Holy Orgy, Kama Sutra ev'ryo-o-one!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            We used to sing that just to drive our parents nuts.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Does the Catholic church have a position on blowjobs?

      • Wilcoxyz

        It's cool anywhere but the rectory, I think.

        • Generation[redacted]

          Sorry folks, the official Catholic church position on blowjobs is, "Altar boy in front"

        • Negropolis

          Ay, yes; the rectumry.

        • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

          In the rectory is anal.

      • SorosBot

        At least according to my Catholic School sex ed, they're OK as foreplay but the man has to finish by coming in the vagina, with possibility of pregnancy. Really.

        • HateMachine

          My main takeaway from my Catholic sex ed is that the catechism is really weird.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Sweet feckin' christ on the cross! Can't they leave one feckin' thing alone, those miserable bastids.

          • tessiee

            That's their whole thing, and pretty much their only thing: Any time anyone has an orgasm, it has to be followed nine months later by (hallelujah music, sunbeam through stained glass window) the miracle of childbirth. Another Jesus babby for the Holy Mother Church, etc. etc. etc.

            Compare and contrast with the Baptists, et. al., who don't want you to smoke, drink, gamble, dance, OR fuck.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Good grief. Compare and contrast with the Hindus, who think fucking is a good thing, and, at least in private, can be pretty fucking sexual and adventurous. What? You think those 1.x BILLION people came outa nowhere?

            Even Muslims think fucking is a good thing, geeze. I just read a book on the underwear markets of Syria (god I hope they survive the shit that's going on), and it sounds like people know how to *enjoy* their sex, no matter what the imams and mullahs say.

          • tessiee

            I remember reading somewhere or other that part of a good Jewish man's duty as a husband was to give his wife pleasure during the sexual-intercourse thing, but I don't know whether that's accurate.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            It's part of the marriage contract. A woman may divorce her husband if he fails to give her sexual satisfaction. This is also true for Muslim women.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            There's an entire book on the underwear markets of Syria?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yes. I forget the exact title, might be "Syrian Lingerie," haha, so imaginative. It's filled with photographs of Teh Sexay Underwearz of the Syrian ladies. Those gals like to get DOWN! So to speak.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Oh I SEE, it's filled with sexy photos, this book that you "read"!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Check it out, baby! Srsly, the photographer is good, and there are interviews with various women, and they're cute and funny and it's a side of Islam and Syrian culture that I had never expected. Enjoy!

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Oh for fuck's sake.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Wha?

    • tessiee

      Blowjobs are a free source of protein, too, so you got your solution to hunger AND your solution to overpopulation.

    • C_R_Eature

      In My Day, we didn't have Fellatio. We had to do everything by hand!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh STFU, you pathetic shit-encrusted, miniscule-penised relic.

  • DaRooster

    Foster Friess = Santorum Backer

    Foster Freeze = Santorum on a cone server

  • jus_wonderin

    I think I am getting this. The visual. Forgive me if this is a repost. So, I give my daughter an aspirin before her date and say "Put this between you knees." Okay, so she clenching it with her knees and she can't make the sweet, sweet whoopie her boyfriend is seeking. Hey, as a Dad, I think this could work. Would it work with Tylenol too?

    • HateMachine

      Possibly, but not if you've consumed three or more alcoholic beverages recently.

    • SoBeach

      I think tylenol held between the knees would be every bit as effective as an aspirin was back in that old puke's youth.

      There's only one thing sillier than expecting people not to have sex, and that's pretending like there was ever a time when people didn't have sex.

      • tessiee

        "There's only one thing sillier than expecting people not to have sex, and that's pretending like there was ever a time when people didn't have sex."

        Aside from all the many things that are wrong with this ignorant, misogynistic old dickhole and people like him, I've never gotten that thing about how abstinence = birth control. It completely misses the point; it's like saying that leaving your car parked in the garage improves its fuel efficiency.

        Of course, I'm overthinking it; these people are twisted, bitter puritans who really think that there shouldn't be any birth control, so that people, especially women, could be punished every time they have sex.

        • SoBeach

          "these people are twisted, bitter puritans who really think that there shouldn't be any birth control, so that people, especially women, could be punished every time they have sex. "

          Yep. But it only applied to the underclass. Girls from good families got their indiscretions quietly taken care of, while their parents and friends tut-tutted about how those people couldn't control themselves, which is why they'll never be any more than what they are.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Next nifty idea for the GOP to champion: female genital mutilation–damn women should NOT be experiencing any pleasure whilst pro-creating.

    Oh, and this is definitely good news for Mitt Romney.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Don't give them any ideas.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You *do* know that in Mormon theology, women don't go to heaven unless they are married to a man with a Temple Recommend, right? And when they go to heaven, they are plural wives of their man, and perpetually pregnant, because that is their role in life, to have lots and lots of Mormon "spirit babies" for their husband, you know that, right?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      I don't know how they've missed that one. If you're going to go Full American Taliban, you've got to bring the FGM. (And don't try to weasel out of the blame for FGM, Islam!)

      • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

        FGM?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Female Genital Mutilation.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Actually, FGM has nothing to do with Islam, having predated its arrival on the African continent. And by Islamic law, a man must provide his wife with sexual satisfaction, which FGM is the very antithesis of. So, yeah, definitely not Islamic.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Well, according to Wikipedia, and some people I know, FGM is condoned by Islam and common to Islamic countries (not just African ones). And though I have seen it claimed that FGM predates Islam in Africa, I have also been told emphatically by a West African that FGM was brought to West Africa by non-indigenous Islam.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            FGM is not practiced among Indian, Indonesian, Filipino, Malay, Chinese, or Central Asian Muslims, and historically has not been AFAIK. However, my knowledge of African history and culture is not sufficient to allow me to claim with any confidence that the practice originated in Africa.

            You realize, of course, that this means I now have to add African history to my reading list. Feel free to make recommendations.

          • billy_reuben

            …FGM is mostly an East African practice, but is also found in the Western Sahel. Its not at all exclusively Muslim — there are numerous Christian and animist ethnic groups that also practice it, e.g. the Christian Meru ethnic group in Kenya.

  • DaRooster

    I shit thee not… someone told me this about an hour ago.

  • RedneckMuslin

    He always used the pickup line, "Want Friess with that"?

  • RedneckMuslin

    So he is suggesting anal sex? Because you can get in the backdoor when the front is pilled.

    • DaRooster

      This would lead to more… um… that guy he likes…

  • RavenRant

    Of the many things that are making me want to bludgeon these imbeciles with a blunt instrument, the "Why are we talking about contraception, instead of the REAL ISSUES, like imaginary jihadis in my forwarded emails!?!"

    NOBODY was talking about contraception, until these morons decided to try to take it away.

    As a religious person, I am praying that Santorum gets caught in a horrifyingly perverse sex scandal ASAP.

    • HateMachine

      It will involve a carnival worker and 3+ marmots.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Wait, there's Angry_Marmot, and pdog, and … who's the third + ?

        • user-of-owls

          I ate it.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Greedy! (Hugs the user)

            And how have you been, my fine-feathered friend? Terrorizing teh student body, perhaps?

          • Fare la Volpe
          • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

            Over in Limeyland they eat Marmot all the time. Spread that shit on bread. Fucking disgusting.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Actually I think that's in DownUnderland. Bovril is in Limeyland.

    • Chichikovovich

      I'm not a religious person, and I'm praying for the same thing.* Who says there isn't concord between religious and non-religious in this country?

      * One may ask: what is a non-believer doing praying, even for a miracle as wondrous and glorious as Santorum caught on camera performing an act of man-on-dog? Answer: Just in case.

      • tessiee

        A plague of boils visited upon Santorum would have a nice, sort of biblical, quailty.

    • Trinket

      Good idea! I'm gonna take that up with St. Jude. He's come through for me many times in the past.

      • RavenRant

        Thanks for the reminder. Saint Jude, the Patron of Lost Causes. I have quite a few prayers to offer him. One involves Viggo Mortensen.

        But the Santorum prayer will be first on the list. Something along the lines of "May he openly reveal his true self to the world." That should keep the karma from getting too messy.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          "May he openly reveal his true self to the world."

          I believe he's done exactly that. Mitt and the Newticle are pandering to the religious Xtard right, but not Rick. He actually believes the shit he says. Refreshing, in a sadly perverted way.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            And yet, he had no problem with *his* wife having the same kind of abortion he plans to deny all other women. So how strong is his faith, really, and in what is it placed?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Some animals are more equal than others.

            (I read that somewhere, prolly on the interwebs.)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I seem to remember a buncha pigs saying that.

            Same thing, really.

        • tessiee

          "One involves Viggo Mortensen."

          Could you ask St. Jude whether Viggo Mortensen and Ving Rhames are friends in real life?

          • RavenRant

            Double date, on a wing and a prayer? (To St. Jude.)

    • Negropolis

      It'll almost certainly include a dog.

      Project much, Santorum?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Project ^^ILE^^ much, Santorum?

        FIFY, NNTT

      • RavenRant

        Projection is such a part of the right wing mindset. It makes them eerily transparent – whatever they're accusing the left of, (voter fraud, for example), is what they are balls deep in themselves.

        We should make better use of that trail of breadcrumbs to bust their crooked asses.

        I'm hoping for a Sandusky/Santorum tie-in.

  • meatlofer

    Yea,but you could still get in the backdoor,right?

    • 40 or 50 % McShineys

      This is how you lead a "santorum SuperPac." You have to be definitely pro-buttsex.

  • SorosBot

    Now, we shouldn't let Mr. Friess' insane hatred of women and sex lead us to overlook his equally insane racist conspiracy-mongering about "jihadist camps in Latin America". Seriously, where the fuck does anyone get these paranoid fantasies?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Where there are brown people, there will be danger to white people, duh.

      • SorosBot

        And I guess they all work together against the white folk, even though both groups of browns speak different languages, come from very different cultures and one is mostly Catholic while the other is mostly Muslim.

        • anniegetyerfun

          Didn't I mention the brown skin? THE THREAT IS IN THE MELANIN.

      • horsedreamer_1

        OH MY GOD, THERE'S A NEGRO IN MY DAUGHTER! is a porn serial with at least 12 iterations, so, yes.

    • RavenRant

      Forwarded emails.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Beaners and towelheads are basically the same.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Same place they get these notions about wimminz and their sex lives. Some horrendous stewpit of ignorance called their church or fambly or whatever vile brew created these lackwits. Gad, I can't even begin to address this shit, is how angry I am. Because all I can think of is this measly motherfucker don't know shit about human biology. Or animal biology, for that matter. Fuck it, about ANYTHING!!! (bangs head on keyboard repeatedly, slumps to floor, weeping)

    • MissTaken

      This sounds reasonable to me. When I'm feeling a bit jihady I find the camps in Latin America warm and welcoming. They greet you with your own suicide vest bomb when you first arrive. Lovely!

      • tessiee

        Mine has umbrella drinks and the *cutest* little gal who does the camouflage face paint.

    • biblioteq_tress

      If your god doesn't allow you to have sexual fantasies, you're left with paranoid ones. And donuts. Lovely lovely donuts.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Hopeless geezer! That wasn't aspirin your hag was hiding between her knees.

  • TheRiverCharley

    Listen, there's an important point that is unfortunately being obscured by Friess's hoky "aw shucks" colloquialisms: only sluts get pregnant.

    • Barrelhse

      His mother was a slut?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Obvs.

  • spends2much

    Aspirin, hell, I'd stick a horse laxative up my cooter to avoid sex with that disgusting old fart.

  • Tundra Grifter

    This guy's parents had quite the sense of humor, didn't they?

    Foster Freeze!

    What other Famous Foster's are there? Brooks, of course. And…and…and…

    • RedneckMuslin

      Foster Grant

      • Tundra Grifter

        Win!

    • spinozasgod

      Foster Home

      • Tundra Grifter

        The ancient manse located in the Bluegrass State?

    • Fuck Toad

      Foster Farms

      • Tundra Grifter

        Keep fuckin' that chicken.

        • Fuck Toad

          Another effective form of birth control.

          • Tundra Grifter

            FT:

            I think that would be "Keep choking that chicken."

    • chicken_thief

      Bananas Foster

    • tessiee

      Hitler?

      No, that's not right.

      Some kind of Australian beer?

      • Chichikovovich

        You've heard the ads: "Fosters. It's Australian for Hitler."

    • Negropolis

      Foster's Australian for Beer?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        ZOMG, N! PLEASE, change your tagline! OK, don't. See if I care.

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      Charles Foster Kane

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      The redheaded Foster Childs.

  • under_score

    My flabber, she is aghasted.

  • eldswede

    I confess to being an old. I remember when The Pill first became widely available in my Puritan besotted state and what a life change it was for us DFHs.
    Anyway, this bit about knees was a joke frequently told back then. No one was seriously advocating it. Is Mr Friess being misunderstood, maybe, by a too literal reading of his words?

    • 40 or 50 % McShineys

      His "joke" is that women can avoid pregnancy by keeping their legs closed.

      Abstinence, ladies! It's your only hope in today's 13th century world!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        He really needs to talk to Liz Trotter. According to *her,* women are just being raped too much.

  • Fare la Volpe

    A slut is a girl who likes sex but just won't have it with you.

    • RavenRant

      I heard this as a riddle:

      "What is the difference between a whore and a bitch?"

      "A whore will have sex with anyone. A bitch will have sex with anyone but you."

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Did you ever hear "What's the difference between a whore and a slut"?

        A whore takes money, a slut gives it away.

        Or how about "If a Lady says No, she means Maybe; if she says Maybe, she means Yes. If she says Yes, she's no Lady."

        Charming, eh?

        • RavenRant

          Whereas any guy who fucks anything at all, from a sock, to a marmot, to a child, to adults of any degree of willingness, to a hot tub duct or vacuum hose, (DON"T google), all fall under the indulgent line:

          "Boys will be boys!" (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.)

          I also love that the prude/slut (aka Madonna/Whore) distinction is binary. There's no midrange between the two. It's so fun being a 'gal' in these interesting times.

    • Angry_Marmot

      I've repeated that joke and found a version of it in Ned Ward's London Spy, 1703.

    • horsedreamer_1

      You took the words right out of my future "progressives" but in high school Gingrich Republicans friends's mouths, with respect the fabled "Popsicle Girl".

      & on that "progressive" turn, I know only two people whose political outlook changed after age twenty, & each did it for sex. My Nemesis went Democrat for the pussy, & my two time Alan Keyes for Pres volunteer friend went Neoliberal/"moderate" for better ass. (He also came out.)

  • ph7

    I gave my daughter some money for aspirin, but she bought an Ipad instead. She's a poor example downstream.

    • ChessieNefercat

      What with the general topic and all, I read iPad entirely the wrong way. Now I got it.

  • Guppy

    Because sex can only happen face-to-face, man on top.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I thought *everybody* knew that.

  • Antispandex

    My wife has assured me that simply placing my head between her thighs would be just as effective…I think it's a trick.

    • Fuck Toad

      No, no, she's right!

      Spit don't make babies.

    • Chichikovovich

      Try it for a few months and see how it works out.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        We won't hear a thing from him for a while, you know.

        • Chichikovovich

          I certainly wouldn't want us to lose contact with such a valued poster. I was thinking that perhaps there can be a liveblog of the experiment. With his wife at the keyboard, of course.

          Edit: Things would quickly get as incoherent as Sarah! but somehow more life-affirming.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Sure, if you want the usual "Oh god! Oh GOD! OH GOD! OMYGAWD! FWEIROIWERHWEII!S!W$E98093!!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Your wife is *absolutely* correct. Trust me. As a person who knows a great deal about reproductive biology in mammals, I can assure you that if you keep your head between her thighs each and every single time you have sex, you will NEVER have to pay child support or deal with a sprog.

      Unless, of course, she's doing the mailman. Then, all bets are off.

  • SorosBot

    This version of Mr. Friess is even more annoying than Arnold Schwarzenegger's; to think we've got something even worse than his "Ice to see you" puns.

  • Tommmcattt

    You know what other fabulous medical convenience Bayer Industries invented?

    Herion. True story. Look it up.

    • RedneckMuslin

      LEVITRA!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      The less-addictive replacement for morphine. Ooops.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Put some of that in your cough syrup!

    • fartknocker

      They also synthesized the chemistry for Zyclon B and their Chairman of the Board during WWII was convicted during the Nuremberg Trials for human torture.

      • Chichikovovich

        Yes. Bayer was in fact part of IG Farben, that not only synthesized but manufactured Zyklon B.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Herion?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Typo.

    • tessiee

      "You know what other fabulous medical convenience Bayer Industries invented?"

      Zyklon B?
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bayer

      • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

        To be fair, it was an off-label usage….

  • Guppy

    Are denim shackles close enough?

  • SayItWithWookies

    "Back in my day all our problems had one simple solution — blame the woman."

    • ph7

      Boys will be boys!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Wait, things have *changed*? Be news to my girlfriend.

  • Steverino247

    There's a birth control pill for men. You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

    <Rimshot>

    Thanks folks! I'll be supporting Rick Santorum through the convention. Tip your servers!

    • tessiee

      "There's a birth control pill for men. You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp."

      Let us all sit quietly for a moment, find our respective centers, and imagine the shit hemorrhage the right would have if, say, Michelle Obama or, god help us all, Hillary Clinton, made that joke in public.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Srsly. They'd be pooping giant streams of red.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Back in the day, if the "aspirin method" didn't work, the poor woman could always throw herself down a flight of stairs, a folk remedy I recommend for this shitbag.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Wasn't that what Gene Tierney did in Leave Her To Heaven? Or am I thinking some other movie?

  • chascates

    We shouldn't worry about China overtaking us. We should worry about the 1800s overtaking us.

    • tessiee

      So, Siam and Prussia?

      • user-of-owls

        It's those Hottentots you gotta watch out for.

      • Negropolis

        And Edo, oh my!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Or *under*taking us.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    I though the man was supposed to put it in his shoe. To make him limp. HA HA HA HA HA. (wipes tears from eyes) I'm funnier than Foster Friess.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    IN FOSTER'S DAY: Men would tie an onion to their belts, and if they felt randy, why they'd pull out a drilling-auger and make a "kitty-hole" in that onion. Then they'd have their way with it in the alley, and it was excruciating! And the whole epidermis of their penises would dry up and flake off, and they couldn't do anything like that again for at least three days. That's because God doesn't like birth control! It's Bayer aspirin for the ladies, it's belt onions for the fellas, and it's so inexpensive! Now let's get back to talkin' about something that isn't really a thing, like jihadists in Brazil.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Oh my God, old man humor about how girls didn't USED to be such slutbags. All you nasty bitches with your fancy tupperware and fuck-loving hoohahs. Be ashamed, be very ashamed.

    Foster, darling, if you could still get it up, I promise you would want to pay me more than you have Rick Santorum to be between these knees, but I'm not NEAR the whore he is.

    • Fuck Toad

      I love fuck-loving hoohahs.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Foster would fucking PLOTZ if you came anywhere near his schmuck, it's been that long since he got any. Look at that punim, for the love of the almighty.

    • tessiee

      There are some things even whores wouldn't do.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    This old codger's solutions to these quandaries really tickle my fibula.

    • Barrelhse

      Tickle Me Elbow?

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        With that, you got one step closer to humerus than my snark did~

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I understand an aspirin shoved up the urethra works just as well.

  • owhatever

    Why, back in my day, we just used Bayer chastity belts. After that, an astonishing number of babies looked a lot like the local lock-pickers.

  • HelmutNewton

    Why are the racist, sexist, dumb-fuck white oldsters the ones with all the money? Is it the same reason why God put all the oil in the Middle East?

    • ph7

      I've heard it's a common side effect of melanin deficiency.

  • north_of_moscow

    So in Santorum's America we're supposed to expect all the women to stop having sex? This is a terrible campaign strategy.

    • Ruhe

      Not all the women…just those women.

      • ChessieNefercat

        i.e., all women.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    You know, Mr. Fries-with-that, the whole reason that joke ever existed in the first place was the introduction of the BC pill. It stopped being funny when the pill became a commonplace. It hasn't started being funny again.

  • wolvenwood13

    In my religion, the Church of All Worlds, a neo-Pagan church, sex is a sacrament. "All acts of love and pleasure are mine" says the Goddess. They are interfering with my religion and my religious beliefs. Why should I have to go against my beliefs to please some ugly old, dickwad mysoginist guys who are repulsed by women?

  • spinozasgod

    ahhhh, so that's the problem, I've been putting the asprin in my vagina!

  • Lucidamente1

    "Well, it's always worked for Alan and me."

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Kirsten, my darling, I do love you, coiner of my favorite description of Newt Gingrich ("amoral jewelry-debt piglet"), but:

    " […] trying to make it through the holiday meal with grandpa sans booze."? I think you meant sans pants, my wild and wicked little wench.

    • MissTaken

      As many of you learned yesterday I learned to never attempt a holiday meal with grandpa sans booze.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Should your grandpa even be *allowed* Viagra? Not to mention booze?

        I mean, isn't he like WAY overdue for restraints and a ballgag, dear?

        • MissTaken

          He's way overdue for the Death Panel, but sadly those were just a right wingnut rumor.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I'm definitely getting the impression that Gramps ain't that popular with the famz. Is there any hope that he'll pop his clogs soon? I mean, my mother finally did, and I had bets going with everybody and their sister-in-law's second illegitimate cousin that she would be tossing the turf in my grave.

  • Exhausted66

    Another method is to be soft serve.

    /Foster's Freeze joke!

  • UnholyMoses

    Ya know, back in the day they burned witches and strung black folks up from a tree until they were dead, too.

    Doesn't mean either one was a good idea.

    Now would the baby boomers just up and die already so the rest of us can advance society a wee bit? Please?

    kthxbai

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Uh, dood? You cannot haz. Some of us right here iz teh baby boomers. Also, too, there's plenty in your own ranks as could do with a weeding, if you get my drift, and I b'leev you do. (waggles eyebrows meaningfully)

      • UnholyMoses

        Well, okay — not ALL the Boomers. Many of y'all are good people.

        How's about we just take out all older (read: 25+) Southern white folks and … uh … hold on a second …

        **checks age and address on drivers license**

        Nevermind.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          It'll be OK, rly.

    • tessiee

      a) Foster Fries was born in 1940, which makes him at least four years too old to be a baby boomer,
      b) The people who demonstrated for civil rights and for women's rights and against immoral wars and corporate greed were baby boomers, so that even if Foster Fries were born/excreted in the right time frame, his ideology is all wrong for the baby boomers (and indeed, everyone with a brain),
      c) This baby boomer doesn't intend to die anytime soon if I can help it.

  • comrad_darkness

    Oh yeah, "Let's change the subject" instead of a follow up question like, why is this certifiable loon bankrolling a major candidate for president of the largest economy in the world?

    Jesus Christ on a pogo stick with an aspirin between his knees.

    And you just know Mr. Chuckles the Smile Goon here is getting it on the side from a veritable herd of diamond whores…

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      "Jesus Christ on a pogo stick with an aspirin between his knees."

      hilarious.

  • voodooeconomics

    We are the White Cock Party of Religious Conservatives and we know whats good for you Woman…now get that bayer between your legs and lets rock..

  • littlebigdaddy

    Mr. Burns?

  • comrad_darkness

    Why did Whitney have to die while this pile of patronizing pussy patrol is still living?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Wait, does tylenol work?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I take birth control, but its only for my crippling migraines.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    You should have told your mom this. before you were born.

  • lochnessmonster

    Andrea…what did you expect having this guy on? Sanity, compassion, brains???

  • V572 Flambé

    Foster Friess for HHS Secretary!

    And thanks for this little preview of life in the Santorum Administration.

  • Barrelhse

    The aspirin routine was old when Arlene Francis said it, and the joke wasn't particularly funny then, either.
    This guy is another dismal piece of fuck who has been emboldened by the current toxic political discourse to crawl out of the woodwork. My fear is that there exist millions like him who will skew us to the far-right. My hope is that these idiots will frighten people into voting against them, but that would mean that the US electorate is educated and thoughtful- I'm not too certain that's the case. We shall see in November to Remember.

  • BlueStateLibel

    I thought back in this old coot's days, everyone just wore a bag of onions on their belt as a form of birth control?

    Also, just what the country needs, birth-control advice from a man who's last sexual enounter was in the Edwardian era.

    • tessiee

      "a man who's last sexual enounter was in the Edwardian era."

      Yeah — Edward the Confessor.

  • Chichikovovich

    Just make a short clip of this, with the slogan "Women: This man is spending tens of millions of dollars so that his soulmate Rick Santorum can tell you how to live your life". Put it on Youtube, forward it to everyone you know.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    I wish all these fucksticks would actually go back in their day, and stay the fuck there.

  • witmemo

    In my day we used a dried bean. Put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

  • rickmaci

    That was the punch line from a crappy joke from 30 years ago. It wasn't funny then and it's less so now.

  • reginagreene

    Since he's keen on exchanging medical advice, my prescription for him is a jumbo bottle of Lomotil, or maybe a shunt so they can pipe it in on a regular basis. This might help reduce the severity and volume of his Santorum.

    • tessiee

      My prescription for him is a piping hot bowl of Shut the Fuck Up — but yours is good, too.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You've changed ever so much of late, my dear.

      • reginagreene

        Been taking online courses for some learning and articulation, now I guess its paying off!!! But as soon as there are some raging conservative trolls around for me to parasitize, the old Regina will be back.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          You did an excellent job. Kudos!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Flowers For Algernon?

        • reginagreene

          "Flowers for Algernon" would only be apt if there had been at least a fleeting moment of heightened intelligence and creativity, followed by the tragic reversion. I never actually made it that far. I think there may have been a point where I stumbled less and could make the right facial expressions (e.g., stroking my chin thoughtfully while looking off in the distance, even though I was probably thinking about snacks or beer), but I'm not even sure about that now.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You're a hoot. Change the av, though it's a dead giveaway. Perhaps that Duncan dood who killed that family, what's his name, JET? Good looking, too.

  • ChuckieJesus

    I grew up in a lesbian household, mom's first girlfriend told me that line about aspirin-between-the-knees when I asked about birth control pills right around the beginning of puberty. Mom apologized for her, said she'd grown up Catholic and very conservative.

    I wonder what Ol' Flaps here would say if I told him he has a lot in common with an old lesbian.

  • MissTaken

    Congrats! It seems the naughty comments pull the 113p

    • Steverino247

      Well, then let's spend the rest of the day commenting on each other and skip up to 120 or so. Whaddya say? Hmm?

      • MissTaken

        I have a comment about rubbing your balls that's just waiting for you.

        • SorosBot

          OK now you're just trying to make me jealous. And succeeding.

        • Steverino247

          I can see I picked the wrong time to leave the computer! Gah! OK, let's see the ball rubbing comment. I can take it.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I'll give her five bees for just the tip.

  • gout

    I kinda feel sorry for old man Friess. One of the dangers of becoming a bazillionaire, all the toadies who you pay to follow you around and laugh at your dumb jokes warp your sense of reality until you think that people will laugh at any dumb turd that falls out of your mouth. Poor old fella, guess it is time to take him out behind the barn…

  • GregComlish

    Also, next time she says she's got a headache: No Problem!

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    1) Of course, back in his day, knights were bold, and rubbers not invented.

    2) This guy has always had a reliable form of birth control: his face.

    3) Among twenty snowy mountains,
    The only effective contraception
    Was the eye of the blackbird.

    • tessiee

      "Of course, back in his day, knights were bold, and rubbers not invented."

      I think there's a poem about that.

      • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        Yes, Wallace Stevens' "13 Ways of Looking at a Rubber"

        • tessiee

          I was thinking of "Stopping by the Rubber on a Snowy Evening" — you know, the one that goes, "Whose junk this is, I think I know" — but yours is good, too.

          • user-of-owls

            For some reason, what runs through my head is, "Quoth the Wifey, Nevermore."

  • C_R_Eature

    You know, Civil behavior is widely available and not expensive.

    Back in my day,we used Baseball bats for communication. We beat the shit out of guys that insulted and demeaned our friends, family and loves and it wasn’t that costly.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      "Not expensive," I get, but "widely available?" That shit seems to be out of stock everywhere these guys shop.

      • C_R_Eature

        Oh, it is everywhere. You just have to want to find it.

        I never have any problem, at all.

    • tessiee

      Of course, the problem with that was, the wooden bats tended to splinter too easily. I suppose a person could use one of those aluminum bats, but you know how it is — you let one tradition fall by the wayside, and the next thing you know, hell in a handbasket, am I right?

      • C_R_Eature

        Helena Handbasket agrees.
        Tradition in these matters is important, not only for aesthetics but for very practical reasons. A good old fashioned Ash bat will last for hundreds of Rude Bastard Beat Downs. It's the new commercial forest Maple bats that go all to hell at the first blow to the head.
        Don't get me started on Aluminum. That "ping" sound is just Wrong and there's no shock absorption. Very hard on the wrists. If you're going to have to engage in a proper Beating, why not make it as enjoyable as possible?

    • Steverino247

      Axe handles. Very nice smack sound they make, too.

      • C_R_Eature

        Those are good too and inexpensive enough to let you keep a nice stack of them in the trunk, just for general mayhem. With the money you save, you can accessorize with a quality hockey goalie's mask.

  • TheRiverCharley

    Not the ones who love Jesus, anyway.

  • GregComlish

    To the extent that "Aspirin between the knees" works, it is still birth control and still violates the will of Christ, dipshit.

  • fuflans

    i really really hope santorum gets the nomination.

  • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

    Matt Yglesias pointed out today that aspirin was cheap back in the day thanks to big government's seizure of Bayer patents.

    Foster is really saying that poor people should abstain from sex if they can't afford to become pregnant. Oh that sweet, sweet, caring man.

  • tessiee

    I have a deep-seated moral and spiritual belief that this ignorant, misogynistic old shit needs a good swift kick in the balls.

    • Chichikovovich

      Me too! I bet we could get a couple hundred thousand like minded people in a couple of days, millions within a couple of months. Then we just have to find some god that people aren't using any more – I don't think any Algonquins worship Gitche Manitou anymore, we could adopt him, and voilà – a religion. Devoted to paying homage to Gitche Manitou by satisfying his one and only demand (as revealed to his prophets tessiee and Chichikovovich): kick Foster Friess right in the nuts.

      I mean, it would be exactly like the Holocaust for the government to interfere with out right to fulfill our religious obligations, as conscience demands.

      • tessiee

        A side benefit of this would be that we could call ourselves the Algonquin Round Table.

        • Chichikovovich

          Great observation! And it would be an especially appropriate name too, since if Dorothy Parker read the run of chatter here, and learned that all of us had been laid end to end, she wouldn't be at all surprised.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          (Hands Tessiee the crown)

  • fuflans

    oh. and:

    gross.

  • tessiee

    Can we pass a law whereby any man who sees fit to pontificate on what kinds of birth control women may or may not use be compelled to have a mandatory rectal ultrasound?

  • tessiee

    This Foster guy's ass must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm sorry, I just have to steal that.

  • Negropolis

    Where is Ashton Kutcher? Surely, we are being punk'd.

  • tessiee

    Oh, sure! Put all the blame on the womenfolks, with no thought for those smooth-talkin' guys who ply us with gas station wine and discount tickets to the strip club (2-for-1 early bird special on Tuesdays!).

  • Negropolis

    This is why America can't and won't ever have nice things.

  • Negropolis

    Silly me. Here I was thinking women were supposed to use aspirin for headaches 'caused by too-tight shoes. That's what Bachmann's people told me, anyway. I had no idea it could be used for birth control, too!

  • ttommyunger

    I just can't look at Andrea without thinking of Alan Greenspan's ball-sack on her chin. (shivers) I guess that's why I can't look at her.

  • DahBoner

    Then afterwards, you stand on your head and pour a Coca Cola down your cooter

  • Troglodeity

    Meet President Santorum's Surgeon General.

  • biblioteq_tress

    "Let's change the subject…" LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT!?!?!? This dessicated mummy of republinazi essence just insulted your entire sex, Andrea, and you CHANGE THE FREAKING SUBJECT. HE'S SANTORUM'S ADVISOR, ANDREA. YOU MUST TAKE THIS COPROLITE SERIOUSLY. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S A MISOGYNISTIC DIPSHIT.

    (sorry, i've been locked in a federal office the past two days. this has probably already been said)

  • biblioteq_tress

    Or headache remedies.

  • 65mac

    My Grandma always said, "The only true contraceptive is Anal Sex".
    Now, I find there's another. Grandma couldn't have been wrong, could she have?

  • Soylent Green

    And that's the GOP's alternative to ObamaCare. Really. It is. I'm not trying to be snarky.

  • TribecaMike

    How does someone get pregnant if their knees are tightly squeezed together? Pardon my naivety, but unlike Frosty Friess I've never read the Kama Sutra.

  • lovelydestruction

    Self-satisfied, self-involved and self-referential. Perfect