modern...get it?

‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Might Include ‘Don’t Watch Modern Family’ Clause

HAY

Our man in La-la Land Stacey Campfield is actually seeing his dreadful “Don’t Say Gay” bill GET SOMEWHERE. The bill, which was adopted by the Tennessee Senate last year and amended to ban the teaching of all but “natural human reproduction science,” just made it through Tennessee’s House education subcommittee. Naturally the discussion surrounding the bill was disgusting and competed with, but did not exceed, Sen. Campfield’s own past statements about homosexuality. Did Campfield’s colleagues feel sorry, or something, that this poor excuse for a human was recently kicked out of a restaurant due to his intolerance of reality? In any case, House education subcommittee chairman Joey Hensley, trapped inside the heart above, remarked that along with not being able to say the word “gay” in schools, parents should not allow their children to watch Modern Family, because then they might realize that the thing they’re learning does not exist from their teachers actually DOES! Inside the TV!

According to Nashville Scene, Hensley actually “scored bonus points” in this, the worst game ever invented, by speaking about Modern Family in the context of this bill, even though what does television have to do with education, you semantics-hating fops?

Hensley’s comments followed a statement on the House floor by a Nashville preacher, who said he was concerned children “might find out about” gay people from the show. So Hensley was simply agreeing with this completely agenda-free, nonpartisan opiner when he said, “I don’t think ‘Modern Family’ is appropriate for children to watch.”

Another pastor also spoke at the hearing, which was attended by a decent contingent of young protesters, and his take proves that not everyone in Tennessee is completely insane. Of homosexuality, Rev. Thomas Kleinert said:

Our children have to deal with that complexity long before they’ve reached sufficient maturity. Silence in the classroom only adds to the cloak of pain and shame, whereas open, age-appropriate conversation may give them a chance and the courage to talk to an adult they trust.

Perhaps Stacey Campfield IS the person clad in the cloak of pain and shame/flea costume in that photo????

The House’s Democratic leader, Craig Fitzhugh, said helpfully that this bill is “a solution looking for a problem.” Incidentally, Modern Family is one of the Obamas’ favorite shows, along with rebellious Boardwalk Empire and sad Homeland! [Nashville Scene via Towleroad]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    The teaching of 'natural human reproduction science'? So, what…no IVF or surrogates?

    • OneDollarJuana

      And no dildos!

      • anniegetyerfun

        But I thought Stacey Campfield was involved?

    • sharethegrief

      But there's plenty of unwanted vaginal probes.

    • bagofmice

      Nah. Human intent is involved in most biological processes that result in human progeny, making them artificial by definition. All true natural humans are shaped from clay and have life breathed into him by the divine. As soon as man starts fiddling and diddling, it becomes un-natural.

    • Crank_Tango

      The teaching of "natural human reproduction science" is exactly what PP uses to get kids hooked on the fucking. I forget tho, is fucking good or bad? I can't keep track anymore, and besides I just jerk off these days. Wait, is that bad too? It doesn't feel bad…

    • Catabite

      That there sounds suspiciously like science talk, and we all know that science is the enemy.

  • lefty74

    If you don't say it,, gay will not exist?
    Now put your hand in that box of snakes.
    Trust me!

    • SayItWithWookies

      But — you said snakes.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Did he say snakes? He meant delicious candy.

        And boobs.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Two white, gay men have an oriental child. How is that even possible?

    • Tundra Grifter

      They really, really, really want to raise an NBA player.

    • Guppy

      Hey, now that you mention it, Hoekstra's Yellow Girl was from San Francisco…

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Maybe they decided to Just Say Takei

  • Barb

    The show is called "Modern Family" for a reason. Reach a little further into the clue bag.

    • savethispatient

      Yes and Tennessee's state nickname ain't "the Modern State", I suspect.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      I think Sen. Campfield is reaching into the douche bag. All the way up to his stinky arm pit.

      • bagofmice

        That would imply that something was cleansed.

        • Fare la Volpe

          His brain.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    ♫♫ Stacy's mom has got it goin' on ♫♫

    (Not sure which one is more annoying, Stacy or this song)

  • Tundra Grifter

    How could these idiots be meeting in Tennessee to discuss this?

    I thought they were all in DC sitting in front of Rep. Issa, acting the fool and all.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I must be in a bad mood because today Wonkette is just making me sad.

    • Fare la Volpe

      *hugs-a-plenty*

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      That happens to me sometimes. You'll be ok.

  • Local_Mojo

    His little horse must think it queer to stop without a farmhouse near.

    Stacey, leave the damned horse alone!

    • Nostrildamus

      Between the wood and frozen lake
      The queerest time since last year's steer

  • user-of-owls

    God help PBS if Goober finds out about those mincing penguins.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      But aren't they Carmelites so it's okay?

  • SorosBot

    No one tell him about Glee; that one has both gay male and lesbian couples. Plus, you know, the whole musical thing.

    • SayItWithWookies

      But it's appropriate because it depicts 25-year-olds in high school.

      • Loaded_Pants

        I see what you did there. In some parts of TN, that's not too far from the truth.

    • http://www.eloquentscience.com EloquentScience

      But, it airs on Fox. *Head explodes*

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Sophia Vergara's big boobs aren't the main issue here, folks. That's saying a lot about our culture.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, that was a welcome diversion from Kate Upton's boobs.

  • FNMA

    I agree completely. Personally, I won't let my kid watch "Archer" because he might get the idea that it would be awesome to have a pet ocelot. Which it would.
    It's kind of hard to enforce since my kid is 23 and doesn't live at home…

    • bagofmice

      YUUUUUUUP!

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    These kids should probably not watch the news either, what with all these Republican politicians always going on about "The Gays"

    "Who are the gays these old white men are talking about?"

    "It's some people they don't like, Johnny"

    "Oh, like poor people?"

  • meatlofer

    Thank God, that Hollywood Squares is off the air,that center square with Paul Lind,could've made a fat boy fart.

  • freakishlywrong

    "Now, The Flintstones, that there is some fine family entertainment. Could do double duty for history too".

    • Guppy

      You mean the first married couple to share a bed on-screen? Sinful!

    • mavenmaven

      Not enough Jesus.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Nonsense. They celebrated Christmas 60 million years before Christ was even born.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Thank goodness Three's Company is off the air. That'd just confuse these guys.

  • JackDempsey1

    Can we say obliGAtion? Or is that gilding the lily?
    And gilding the lily sounds vaguely dirty and homo-y, too, if you think about it.

    It's a slippery slope, my friend.
    Gosh, that's dirty, too.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Stacey Campfield: "Hear no gay. See no gay. Speak no gay."

    He's totally gay.

    • freakishlywrong

      And deeply closeted, obvs.

  • coolhandnuke

    When a Santorum looks far more virile and hungry wearing his sweater vest than you in your sweater vest, it's time to stick a fork (or the obvious) in your ass–you're done.

  • LabRodent

    2012 may be the dumbest year on record in America. USA! USA!

  • CommieLibunatic

    How is this the government getting outta our buidness again?

  • DaRooster

    "Our children have to deal with that complexity long before they’ve reached sufficient maturity. Silence in the classroom only adds to the cloak of pain and shame, whereas open, age-appropriate conversation may give them a chance and the courage to talk to an adult they trust."

    Rev. Thomas Kleinert for President of Tennessee!

  • Mahousu

    As the picture shows, marriage has always been between one man and one woman.

    Well, ok, occasionally between one man, two women and a furry, but that's just the exception that proves the rule.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      And as the picture shows, GOP men are cray-cray about old lady jeans and sweater vests. What the holy fuck is wrong with these people. Are mirrors forbidden by their religion too?

      • Loaded_Pants

        Mirrors are vanity!

    • chicken_thief

      I wonder if Stacey is ok with me wanting to do that ginger?

  • PuckStopsHere

    4 out of 5 Tennesseans agree: If it ain't on fox news it don't need watching.

    • MadBrahms

      The remaining Tennessean also watches Hee Haw.

      Unfortunately FOX News is completely obsessed with talking about the gays and their agenda for world domination, so that's a fail too.

  • bumfug

    It's not "Modern Family" down there. In Tennessee they call it "New-fangled Kinfolk".

  • SorosBot

    The children should only watch heterosexual manly TV shows and movies; like say pro wrestling, or Top Gun.

    • ProgressiveInga

      And gladiator movies.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Godzilla too?

    • widestanceromance

      UFC or GTFO

      (since they obviously do not get the homoeroticism that tumesces that show.)

      • Loaded_Pants

        Oh yes, UFC. I do have weakness for watching it.

    • bagofmice

      If you block all references to gay people, you have to block all references to parents, because they have obviously had sex as well, which leaves the children to grow up on puppets and/or virginal furries. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Or Monday Night Football.

      I can give ya so many heterosexual reasons why they all wear pants that tight…

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        And those ass pats in the end zone? Perfectly explainable as well.

  • Ducksworthy

    If we deny them food will they come to their senses? Or just live longer?

    • Nothingisamiss

      Let's try it.

  • proudgrampa

    My favorite Campbell quotes:

    "That bullying thing is the biggest lark out there. There are sexually confused children who could be pushed into a lifestyle that I don’t think is appropriate with them and it’s not for the norm for society, and they don’t know how they can get back from that. I think a lot of times these young teens and young children, they find it very hard on themselves and unfortunately some of them commit suicide."

    "Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community — it was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall. My understanding is that it is virtually — not completely, but virtually — impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex…very rarely [transmitted]."

    "Homosexuals represent about 2 to 3 percent of the population yet you look at television and plays and theaters, it’s 50 percent of the theaters, probably more than that, 50 percent of the theaters based on something about homosexuality."

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

    • Fare la Volpe

      So basically Stacy is saying that kids are peer pressured into going gay? Right, because if there's one thing that's super popular among teenage boys right now, it's being gay.

      • GOPCrusher

        So that's why you hear them call each other "fag" when they blow each other up in Call Of Duty:Modern Warfare.

  • CapnFatback

    I agree; watching Modern Family is dangerous. If a kid gets too close to the screen, one of Sofia Vergara's boobs is likely to put his eye out!

    • chicken_thief

      That might be worth an eye…

    • Swampgas_Man

      You're watching on one of these new-fangled 3D models, ain't ya?

    • Loaded_Pants

      I find Sofia absolutely mesmerizing, I'll admit. And that "got milk" she did with son? My god, her family has some great genetics.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Also the show has a South American woman who lives in a nice big rich guy's house, and she's NOT the maid. Nor did she marry him just for the green card. No wonder Republican heads explode at the thought of Modern Family.

    • Guppy

      Actually, that's easy to reconcile.

      /ahem

      You know who else mingled with South American women?

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        That governor who "hiked" the Appalachian Trail?

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Hitler? No really, if you believe the conspiracy theories about his death, Hitler?

    • Negropolis

      Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau?

  • user-of-owls

    That photo extremely unsettling to me. I told those heartless astronomers how Uranus would be forced into all manner of degradation if they 'de-planetized' it but would they listen?? Noooo.

    And now we're forced to behold the tragic spectacle of a once proud orb appearing in black-face with a two bit vulgarian in a sweater vest. Happy NOW you vicious bastards?!

  • YouBetcha

    I can't say I disagree with their call to boycott Modern Family. Too much gay, not enough incest. Right, Tennessee Senate?

    • SorosBot

      I agree that we should boycott Modern Family, because it's overrated and keeps getting the best comedy awards that should be going to either Community or Parks and Recreation. Although one of Community's regulars has teh gay too…

  • coolhandnuke

    The only teevee show i allow my nine-year-old son to watch is Dexter.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Deadwood or GTFO.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Cock-sucka, Swinjin!

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Do sweatervests automatically make one into a douchenozzle? Is it instantaneous? Or does it take years of wearing them to reach that degree of stupidity? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • SorosBot

      Well I wore sweater-vests for much of my youth – they were an optional part of our school uniform that were very useful during the winter, since we couldn't wear anything else over our uniforms – and like to think I turned out OK. Of course I haven't worn one since graduating eighth grade.

      • BigDumbRedDog

        So in the last week I've learned that you have the plot to "left behind" memorized and you went to a school the required uniforms (sweater vests!). Hmmmmm.

        • SorosBot

          It was Catholic school, so of course we had uniforms. Including those pleated skirts all the girls had to wear; it's amazing that a church that's so dead set against sex didn't realize what a fetish that is, or what seeing all the girls in those little skirts every day did to us guys going through puberty.

          • BigDumbRedDog

            Okay. You're right. That's hot.

          • bagofmice

            I bet teacher knew. Imagine the view from the head of the class.

          • Fare la Volpe

            Trufax: Girls in my private school made a game of who could have the most scandalous thing on under their tiny pleated skirts and get away with it. H____ Morgan won the year she flashed her lime green thong at our English teacher and watched him struggle to pretend it didn't happen.

            Class let out early that day…

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I thought those kind of crazies home schooled and didn't have tvs. Wow. Live and learn

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I always thought the Ghayez reproduced very scientifically.

  • fartknocker

    This is the part I don't understand. The douchebag is parroting about gays yet it's acceptable for Hank Williams Jr. to have butt sex with all of his farm animals.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hey, I sent in this tip! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! *high fives self*

    • chicken_thief

      Down low!!!

      In the ho…. oh, wait…

  • Nothingisamiss

    I'm hopeful that all our state legislatures will opine about what's "appropriate" to watch on the teevees. That's just good, non- interventionist, freedom government.

    Then I'd like to take a peek at what they are looking at on their laptops/desktops for their own viewing pleasure.

    • chicken_thief

      Or how many lunches at tittie bars they've expensed.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ignorance is a great teaching strategy, Tennessee — look how well it worked for not having sex with your cousins.

  • user-of-owls

    It says a lot about the current state of 'dialogue' in our country that, without reading further, I cannot tell where Rev. Thomas Kleinert actually stands on the issue. When things were 'normal' it would be patently obvious that he was preaching tolerance and understanding. Now? Given the apparent coronation of El Rey Absurdo? Who knows. Who. The. Fuck. Knows.

    I blame it on these Modern Times.

  • widestanceromance

    I do not care to be known as a G-word man. Can they even say, 'G-word'?

  • chascates

    Look, heaven is up above us and hell is down below us. That's all people need to know. Ask your priest/pastor/rabbi for details considering reproducing. And that's what sex is for. Just ask Gingrich.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hensley’s comments followed a statement on the House floor by a Nashville preacher, who said he was concerned children “might find out about” gay people from the show.

    Right. Because we never go shopping, attend church, eat out at restaurants, walk our dogs, go to work, or simply leave the house for fear that impressionable children might actually see us.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      If "walk the dog" and "leave the house" don't have some naughty, nefarious, urban-dictionary homo-tinged alter-meaning, they should!

    • chicken_thief

      Heh, heh. You said "eat out". Heh,heh.

    • GOPCrusher

      I thought gays went door to door, distributing copies of The Book Of Gay, when they went out on their recruiting tours.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Well, I loaned out my personal copy to Stacey Campfield, who has yet to return it.

      • Loaded_Pants

        When we encounter the Mormon missionaries going to the same household we're headed to, it can get awkward.

  • NotYerGaryBusey

    Hey now! Calling these dinguses (dingi (?)) fops is an insult to fops everywhere. I don't see a single tight, codpiece or large powdered wig anywhere on these guys.

  • chascates

    In Tennessee it's not just Republicans:
    "Democrat, John DeBerry of Memphis, had perhaps the most interesting comment in favor of “Don’t Say Gay:”

    The basic right as an American is my right to life, my right to liberty and my right to the pursuit of happiness. Within that includes being able to run my home, raise my children as I see fit and to indoctrinate them as I see fit.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Which is why the Gummint should tell teachers what they're allowed to say!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Yeah, good luck with that indoctrination there, Mr. DeBerry, & then get back to me in 15-25 years when your kids on grown.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Tennessee-in' is believin'!

  • chicken_thief

    "…whereas open, age-appropriate conversation may give them a chance and the courage to talk to an adult they trust."

    Their parish priest, for example.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Conservatives get to keep shows like "Full House" and "America's Funniest Home Videos." The rest of us get to keep "Modern Family." Everyone wins.

    • Fare la Volpe

      According to polling, conservatives' favorite shows right now are Swamp People and the Bachelor. Where else can they fill their quotas of hillbilly dipshits and rampant misogyny?

  • mavenmaven

    By Hensley's reasoning, kids shouldn't be exposed to Republican elected officials or megachurch pastors, either.

    • BarryOPotter

      By Hensley's reasoning, kids shouldn't be exposed to Republican elected officials or megachurch pastors, either.

      No need to qualify it with reasoning because that would just be sound reasoning.

  • Callyson

    GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY
    (Sorry, I know that was predictable, but I just could not resist. Too bad I have no plans to visit Tennessee anytime soon…)

    • Loaded_Pants

      I'm tempted to call up some old contacts (ahem, exes) of mine to see if any of them have some juicy info about Campfield.

  • elburritodeluxe

    And without TVs and liberal teachers to teach about gayness, these Church folks would be free to help children hide their shameful urges a bit more discretely.

  • Tommmcattt

    That picture is begging for a Pedobear 'shoppe.

  • TheRiverCharley

    You know, Stacey Campbell, not everyone is as skilled at compartmentalizing their sexuality as you.

    Nor should they be, you creep.

    • MadBrahms

      That article made me incredibly sad / angry when I read it. Hooray, family values, like making mothers cry and small children attempt suicide to join their bullied brothers!

      Snark-free: Stacey Campbell needs to take the current Republican mantra to heart and realize the words and silences have consequences. He's right in that this is a battle for American families, except he's on the side that's destroying them.

  • GOPCrusher

    Your name is Stacey. Talk about gay.

  • Indiepalin

    Re-runs of "Home Improvement" have already banned by me to stave off brain-rot and shingles.

  • Lucidamente1

    However much it tries, the Volunteer State will never surpass its own personal best in stupid set by The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes .

  • Antispandex

    Kids are already saying those "seven words you can't say on TeeVee", in just about every social situation except holiday dinners, but no one will be allowed to say "gay" in school. Tennessee has come a long way under the Teapublican majority.

    • MadBrahms

      This is why you home school, so the only bad words they learn are from the times daddy hits the bottle.

  • MadBrahms

    Right? "They have to learn about it before they should learn about it, so let's make sure they learn about it, when they shouldn't learn about it."

    I am so confused by that excerpt.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    As the Anoka-Hennepin school system in Minnesota knows, just being silent is the best way to deal with this whole "gay" problem.

    If you don't mind a few suicides, of course.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    This makes me glad I don't have cable. (Among many other reasons.)

  • Negropolis

    Someone really needs to tell Stacey that men in tastefully-decorated, modernist glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

    Won't somsone think of the children? Won't anyone think of the children?!

  • ttommyunger

    Tennessee: where brain cells go to die.

  • Rayn_And

    No problem here…Two and A Half Men is required viewing in our home…We're making sure our sons are exposed to a normal, healthy model of sexuality