modern...get it?

‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Might Include ‘Don’t Watch Modern Family’ Clause


Our man in La-la Land Stacey Campfield is actually seeing his dreadful “Don’t Say Gay” bill GET SOMEWHERE. The bill, which was adopted by the Tennessee Senate last year and amended to ban the teaching of all but “natural human reproduction science,” just made it through Tennessee’s House education subcommittee. Naturally the discussion surrounding the bill was disgusting and competed with, but did not exceed, Sen. Campfield’s own past statements about homosexuality. Did Campfield’s colleagues feel sorry, or something, that this poor excuse for a human was recently kicked out of a restaurant due to his intolerance of reality? In any case, House education subcommittee chairman Joey Hensley, trapped inside the heart above, remarked that along with not being able to say the word “gay” in schools, parents should not allow their children to watch Modern Family, because then they might realize that the thing they’re learning does not exist from their teachers actually DOES! Inside the TV!

According to Nashville Scene, Hensley actually “scored bonus points” in this, the worst game ever invented, by speaking about Modern Family in the context of this bill, even though what does television have to do with education, you semantics-hating fops?

Hensley’s comments followed a statement on the House floor by a Nashville preacher, who said he was concerned children “might find out about” gay people from the show. So Hensley was simply agreeing with this completely agenda-free, nonpartisan opiner when he said, “I don’t think ‘Modern Family’ is appropriate for children to watch.”

Another pastor also spoke at the hearing, which was attended by a decent contingent of young protesters, and his take proves that not everyone in Tennessee is completely insane. Of homosexuality, Rev. Thomas Kleinert said:

Our children have to deal with that complexity long before they’ve reached sufficient maturity. Silence in the classroom only adds to the cloak of pain and shame, whereas open, age-appropriate conversation may give them a chance and the courage to talk to an adult they trust.

Perhaps Stacey Campfield IS the person clad in the cloak of pain and shame/flea costume in that photo????

The House’s Democratic leader, Craig Fitzhugh, said helpfully that this bill is “a solution looking for a problem.” Incidentally, Modern Family is one of the Obamas’ favorite shows, along with rebellious Boardwalk Empire and sad Homeland! [Nashville Scene via Towleroad]

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Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

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    1. bagofmice

      Nah. Human intent is involved in most biological processes that result in human progeny, making them artificial by definition. All true natural humans are shaped from clay and have life breathed into him by the divine. As soon as man starts fiddling and diddling, it becomes un-natural.

    2. Crank_Tango

      The teaching of "natural human reproduction science" is exactly what PP uses to get kids hooked on the fucking. I forget tho, is fucking good or bad? I can't keep track anymore, and besides I just jerk off these days. Wait, is that bad too? It doesn't feel bad…

  1. Tundra Grifter

    How could these idiots be meeting in Tennessee to discuss this?

    I thought they were all in DC sitting in front of Rep. Issa, acting the fool and all.

  2. Local_Mojo

    His little horse must think it queer to stop without a farmhouse near.

    Stacey, leave the damned horse alone!

  3. SorosBot

    No one tell him about Glee; that one has both gay male and lesbian couples. Plus, you know, the whole musical thing.

  4. SheriffRoscoe

    Sophia Vergara's big boobs aren't the main issue here, folks. That's saying a lot about our culture.

  5. FNMA

    I agree completely. Personally, I won't let my kid watch "Archer" because he might get the idea that it would be awesome to have a pet ocelot. Which it would.
    It's kind of hard to enforce since my kid is 23 and doesn't live at home…

  6. Fukui_sanYesOta

    These kids should probably not watch the news either, what with all these Republican politicians always going on about "The Gays"

    "Who are the gays these old white men are talking about?"

    "It's some people they don't like, Johnny"

    "Oh, like poor people?"

  7. meatlofer

    Thank God, that Hollywood Squares is off the air,that center square with Paul Lind,could've made a fat boy fart.

  8. freakishlywrong

    "Now, The Flintstones, that there is some fine family entertainment. Could do double duty for history too".

  9. JackDempsey1

    Can we say obliGAtion? Or is that gilding the lily?
    And gilding the lily sounds vaguely dirty and homo-y, too, if you think about it.

    It's a slippery slope, my friend.
    Gosh, that's dirty, too.

  10. coolhandnuke

    When a Santorum looks far more virile and hungry wearing his sweater vest than you in your sweater vest, it's time to stick a fork (or the obvious) in your ass–you're done.

  11. DaRooster

    "Our children have to deal with that complexity long before they’ve reached sufficient maturity. Silence in the classroom only adds to the cloak of pain and shame, whereas open, age-appropriate conversation may give them a chance and the courage to talk to an adult they trust."

    Rev. Thomas Kleinert for President of Tennessee!

  12. Mahousu

    As the picture shows, marriage has always been between one man and one woman.

    Well, ok, occasionally between one man, two women and a furry, but that's just the exception that proves the rule.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      And as the picture shows, GOP men are cray-cray about old lady jeans and sweater vests. What the holy fuck is wrong with these people. Are mirrors forbidden by their religion too?

    1. MadBrahms

      The remaining Tennessean also watches Hee Haw.

      Unfortunately FOX News is completely obsessed with talking about the gays and their agenda for world domination, so that's a fail too.

  13. SorosBot

    The children should only watch heterosexual manly TV shows and movies; like say pro wrestling, or Top Gun.

    1. bagofmice

      If you block all references to gay people, you have to block all references to parents, because they have obviously had sex as well, which leaves the children to grow up on puppets and/or virginal furries. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      Or Monday Night Football.

      I can give ya so many heterosexual reasons why they all wear pants that tight…

  14. proudgrampa

    My favorite Campbell quotes:

    "That bullying thing is the biggest lark out there. There are sexually confused children who could be pushed into a lifestyle that I don’t think is appropriate with them and it’s not for the norm for society, and they don’t know how they can get back from that. I think a lot of times these young teens and young children, they find it very hard on themselves and unfortunately some of them commit suicide."

    "Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community — it was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall. My understanding is that it is virtually — not completely, but virtually — impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex…very rarely [transmitted]."

    "Homosexuals represent about 2 to 3 percent of the population yet you look at television and plays and theaters, it’s 50 percent of the theaters, probably more than that, 50 percent of the theaters based on something about homosexuality."

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      So basically Stacy is saying that kids are peer pressured into going gay? Right, because if there's one thing that's super popular among teenage boys right now, it's being gay.

      1. GOPCrusher

        So that's why you hear them call each other "fag" when they blow each other up in Call Of Duty:Modern Warfare.

  15. CapnFatback

    I agree; watching Modern Family is dangerous. If a kid gets too close to the screen, one of Sofia Vergara's boobs is likely to put his eye out!

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I find Sofia absolutely mesmerizing, I'll admit. And that "got milk" she did with son? My god, her family has some great genetics.

  16. imissopus

    Also the show has a South American woman who lives in a nice big rich guy's house, and she's NOT the maid. Nor did she marry him just for the green card. No wonder Republican heads explode at the thought of Modern Family.

  17. user-of-owls

    That photo extremely unsettling to me. I told those heartless astronomers how Uranus would be forced into all manner of degradation if they 'de-planetized' it but would they listen?? Noooo.

    And now we're forced to behold the tragic spectacle of a once proud orb appearing in black-face with a two bit vulgarian in a sweater vest. Happy NOW you vicious bastards?!

  18. YouBetcha

    I can't say I disagree with their call to boycott Modern Family. Too much gay, not enough incest. Right, Tennessee Senate?

    1. SorosBot

      I agree that we should boycott Modern Family, because it's overrated and keeps getting the best comedy awards that should be going to either Community or Parks and Recreation. Although one of Community's regulars has teh gay too…

  19. BigDumbRedDog

    Do sweatervests automatically make one into a douchenozzle? Is it instantaneous? Or does it take years of wearing them to reach that degree of stupidity? Inquiring minds want to know.

    1. SorosBot

      Well I wore sweater-vests for much of my youth – they were an optional part of our school uniform that were very useful during the winter, since we couldn't wear anything else over our uniforms – and like to think I turned out OK. Of course I haven't worn one since graduating eighth grade.

      1. BigDumbRedDog

        So in the last week I've learned that you have the plot to "left behind" memorized and you went to a school the required uniforms (sweater vests!). Hmmmmm.

        1. SorosBot

          It was Catholic school, so of course we had uniforms. Including those pleated skirts all the girls had to wear; it's amazing that a church that's so dead set against sex didn't realize what a fetish that is, or what seeing all the girls in those little skirts every day did to us guys going through puberty.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            Trufax: Girls in my private school made a game of who could have the most scandalous thing on under their tiny pleated skirts and get away with it. H____ Morgan won the year she flashed her lime green thong at our English teacher and watched him struggle to pretend it didn't happen.

            Class let out early that day…

  20. fartknocker

    This is the part I don't understand. The douchebag is parroting about gays yet it's acceptable for Hank Williams Jr. to have butt sex with all of his farm animals.

  21. Nothingisamiss

    I'm hopeful that all our state legislatures will opine about what's "appropriate" to watch on the teevees. That's just good, non- interventionist, freedom government.

    Then I'd like to take a peek at what they are looking at on their laptops/desktops for their own viewing pleasure.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Ignorance is a great teaching strategy, Tennessee — look how well it worked for not having sex with your cousins.

  23. user-of-owls

    It says a lot about the current state of 'dialogue' in our country that, without reading further, I cannot tell where Rev. Thomas Kleinert actually stands on the issue. When things were 'normal' it would be patently obvious that he was preaching tolerance and understanding. Now? Given the apparent coronation of El Rey Absurdo? Who knows. Who. The. Fuck. Knows.

    I blame it on these Modern Times.

  24. chascates

    Look, heaven is up above us and hell is down below us. That's all people need to know. Ask your priest/pastor/rabbi for details considering reproducing. And that's what sex is for. Just ask Gingrich.

  25. elviouslyqueer

    Hensley’s comments followed a statement on the House floor by a Nashville preacher, who said he was concerned children “might find out about” gay people from the show.

    Right. Because we never go shopping, attend church, eat out at restaurants, walk our dogs, go to work, or simply leave the house for fear that impressionable children might actually see us.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      If "walk the dog" and "leave the house" don't have some naughty, nefarious, urban-dictionary homo-tinged alter-meaning, they should!

    2. GOPCrusher

      I thought gays went door to door, distributing copies of The Book Of Gay, when they went out on their recruiting tours.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        When we encounter the Mormon missionaries going to the same household we're headed to, it can get awkward.

  26. NotYerGaryBusey

    Hey now! Calling these dinguses (dingi (?)) fops is an insult to fops everywhere. I don't see a single tight, codpiece or large powdered wig anywhere on these guys.

  27. chascates

    In Tennessee it's not just Republicans:
    "Democrat, John DeBerry of Memphis, had perhaps the most interesting comment in favor of “Don’t Say Gay:”

    The basic right as an American is my right to life, my right to liberty and my right to the pursuit of happiness. Within that includes being able to run my home, raise my children as I see fit and to indoctrinate them as I see fit.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Yeah, good luck with that indoctrination there, Mr. DeBerry, & then get back to me in 15-25 years when your kids on grown.

  28. chicken_thief

    "…whereas open, age-appropriate conversation may give them a chance and the courage to talk to an adult they trust."

    Their parish priest, for example.

  29. SheriffRoscoe

    Conservatives get to keep shows like "Full House" and "America's Funniest Home Videos." The rest of us get to keep "Modern Family." Everyone wins.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      According to polling, conservatives' favorite shows right now are Swamp People and the Bachelor. Where else can they fill their quotas of hillbilly dipshits and rampant misogyny?

  30. mavenmaven

    By Hensley's reasoning, kids shouldn't be exposed to Republican elected officials or megachurch pastors, either.

    1. BarryOPotter

      By Hensley's reasoning, kids shouldn't be exposed to Republican elected officials or megachurch pastors, either.

      No need to qualify it with reasoning because that would just be sound reasoning.

  31. Callyson

    (Sorry, I know that was predictable, but I just could not resist. Too bad I have no plans to visit Tennessee anytime soon…)

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I'm tempted to call up some old contacts (ahem, exes) of mine to see if any of them have some juicy info about Campfield.

  32. elburritodeluxe

    And without TVs and liberal teachers to teach about gayness, these Church folks would be free to help children hide their shameful urges a bit more discretely.

    1. MadBrahms

      That article made me incredibly sad / angry when I read it. Hooray, family values, like making mothers cry and small children attempt suicide to join their bullied brothers!

      Snark-free: Stacey Campbell needs to take the current Republican mantra to heart and realize the words and silences have consequences. He's right in that this is a battle for American families, except he's on the side that's destroying them.

  33. Lucidamente1

    However much it tries, the Volunteer State will never surpass its own personal best in stupid set by The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes .

  34. Antispandex

    Kids are already saying those "seven words you can't say on TeeVee", in just about every social situation except holiday dinners, but no one will be allowed to say "gay" in school. Tennessee has come a long way under the Teapublican majority.

    1. MadBrahms

      This is why you home school, so the only bad words they learn are from the times daddy hits the bottle.

  35. MadBrahms

    Right? "They have to learn about it before they should learn about it, so let's make sure they learn about it, when they shouldn't learn about it."

    I am so confused by that excerpt.

  36. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    As the Anoka-Hennepin school system in Minnesota knows, just being silent is the best way to deal with this whole "gay" problem.

    If you don't mind a few suicides, of course.

  37. Negropolis

    Someone really needs to tell Stacey that men in tastefully-decorated, modernist glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

    Won't somsone think of the children? Won't anyone think of the children?!

  38. Rayn_And

    No problem here…Two and A Half Men is required viewing in our home…We're making sure our sons are exposed to a normal, healthy model of sexuality

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