the point is that girls have cooties

GOP Goes With ‘Pompous Sausagefest’ Theme For Contraception Hearing

Here’s a fun game! Look at the above photo of the panel invited to testify at serial car thief Darrell Issa’s House Oversight and Government Reform hearing this morning on “religious liberty” and “freedom of conscience,” with regards to the ongoing contraception and women’s health donnybrook. Do you notice something… missing… at this tiresome preachfest about the evils of third-party payment options for ladies’ birth control pills? That’s right, there is not one Vagina-American sitting on this panel, just five deeply conservative religious men.* Two female Democrats walked out of the hearing, as did one male Democrat (such a sweetie!)

The members who walked out — including DC’s very own useless but sort of hilarious Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton, who compared the hearing to that of an “autocratic regime” — were wise to do so, and not merely as a means of authoritatively registering their complaint. The whole hearing was stupid and absurd in every way! Let’s even issue a warning for everyone who watches the clip below: You will see Darrell Issa flanked by large portraits of JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., and Gandhi, as these are the props he brought to his pompous carnival show-hearing. Your brain may shut off for the rest of the day if you play this clip.

Things couldn’t have gotten much dumber after that, though, right? Let’s check to see if anything else happened, on Twitter:

Sponsored Video

Are they gonna go full-out Schiavo on this issue? Yikes.

*UPDATE: The second, less JFK/MLK/Gandhi-ish round of paneling does feature a whole two female panelists. This — to reiterate — is in contrast to the first panel, which featured zero women.

Related

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

186 comments

    1. Barb

      "Bachelorette #3, if I take you on a date and slip you some roofies, would you violate my right to force you to bear my child or would you be glad you took the birth control pill?"

    1. Chichikovovich

      Maybe you should ask the hospital to pack it in dry ice and mail it to Issa, with a note saying "Happy now""?

    2. James Michael Curley

      I hope your surgery was somewhere other than a traditional NYC hospital or else it's floating past my house now.

    3. Steverino247

      It was offered up as a sacrifice to help Santorum win thrice in one night before the cock crowed (or got hard or something, I'm not sure anyway) in order to trip up Romney on his path to losing to Obama.

  1. memzilla

    Now this is what a Death Panel looks like: all male, all Rethuglican, with the power to enact Women's Health legislation.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I was thinking, looking at that picture, put Muslim headgear and beards on them, it could be a Taliban meeting.

    2. C_R_Eature

      This comment has hereby won you the Most High Solid 24-karat Golden Medallion Of Awe-Inspiring Win. It is yours for the entire year. So say I.

  2. OkieDokieDog

    Well you know women really can't be there in person to talk about their girly parts, what with all that PMSing and being on the rag and stuff. Nor the ones nursing babies with their upper girly parts since there's not a lactorium close by.

    Oh – I forgot to say – FUCK these misogynist fuckers.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Did I hear correctly, that the Oklahoma House moved their version of the Personhood Bill along, virtually making some contraceptives and abortion illegal?

      1. Advn2rgirl

        Virginia, too. The governor, who's running for Vice President, and George Allen, who's running for Senate, both said they agreed with the bill.

      2. OkieDokieDog

        Yep, yesterday. It passed 34-8 which is not surprising since the OK legislature is mainly Republican.

        From today's Tulsa World:

        Dem Constance Johnson called it sexist but wasn't heard on floor because of some bs move by the GOP.
        Dem Judy Eason McIntyre called them out on the whole smaller govm't intrusion while making personal health decisions for women.
        Dem Jim Wilson called the bill "bad for business & makes OK look silly".
        Dem Richard Lerblance said it would have unintended consequences re: insurance, etc.
        Gop Kim David urged senators not to be swayed by critics using scare tactics (because ya know, that's a Republican move)

  3. SorosBot

    I mentioned this yesterday, but on a thread that was mostly dead, so: under this bullshit view of religious liberty, shouldn't a Jehovah's Witness be allowed to force their employees onto health insurance that won't cover blood transfusions?

    1. tessiee

      i eagerly await the day some Muslin job creator forces his employee to do — whatever socialist stuff Muslins do. For maximum schaedenfreude, said employee should be a white, Christian male living in the South.

  4. Lucidamente1

    I believe the quote from JFK up there is “Mr. Powers looks a little tense. Would you take care of it?”

  5. Callyson

    Somebody should tell Walberg that Stalin was a pro lifer.
    And what, Liz Trotta was too busy telling women they should expect to be raped to put in an appearance as the token female misogynist and cover the asses of these haters?
    Assholes.

    1. SorosBot

      Cognitive dissonance is nothing for these people; I mean here he is arguing for tyranny and against freedom, while invoking Stalin for the other, pro-freedom side and Gandhi and King on his own side of oppression. But I guess since these are rights for women they don't matter; only straight white Christian men really have rights.

    1. Andrew Drinker

      I was going to say something along those lines. But it was going to be more like the Republicans are all whispering to each other about how Quigley just did that to get laid.

    2. fuflans

      HA!! that's my boy / district.

      and before that it was rahm's. and before that blago's. and before that stephen douglas.

      weird fucking district.

  6. CivicHoliday

    Yes, and god forbid they let some crazy female college student testify about the importance of access to contraception because she, ahem, "appears to have become energized over this issue." Oh silly wiminz and their zany hysterics. They have no place in a hearing deciding the fate of their gross lady parts.

    1. SorosBot

      That's crazy talk; it could lead to something like a debate over some new bullshit attempt at abortion restrictions inviting women who have actually had abortions to testify about them.

      1. MissTaken

        Everyone knows that all women who have ever had an abortion are filled with so much personal shame that they are unable to get out of bed in the morning, much less testify about the reality of their situation. Crazy talk, indeed.

        1. SorosBot

          Yes, we must make sure that all women who ever have an abortion feel shame and humiliation for their choice; otherwise you women might start getting dangerous ideas about how your bodies belong to yourselves instead of to men.

        2. tessiee

          Wait, what?
          I thought we were evil harpies who killed our precious jesus babbies for fun, laughed about it, and then went right out and had sex so we could kill another jesus babby as soon as possible.

          Is it possible that I've been doing it wrong all this time?

  7. freakishlywrong

    Time to protest, girls. I did it 35 years ago, and I 'll do it again. (Women vote, fascist assholes.)

      1. HipHop0Potamus

        Let's start with marching on Capitol Hill topless (legal in DC!). I think we'd get some support for going supportless?

        1. Dr_Zoidberg

          While I like your idea, I'm not sure it would work for me. Dr_Zoidberg shell-less on Futurama is scarily close to me naked in real life.

        2. finallyhappy

          I have to tell you that while protesting the war a few years ago here in DC,there were those women who were exposing their breasts- guys were looking at them but it didn't seem to help the effort. Also while marching for Choice here in DC, I did yell at some priests who were praying the rosary over us- I told them to leave the little boys alone.

  8. widestanceromance

    As long as no man is allowed in the debate–or vote–to reclassify Viagra as a controlled dangerous substance, I have no problem with this.

  9. jus_wonderin

    Five men met in Congress, no it wasn't a whim,
    A discussion ensued, with no bearing on "him",
    No pills for the girls; nor corks, stoppers or ballcocks for them.
    Religion it seems is under the gun.
    We need to have raw sex or it is no fun.
    I think this whole holy fuckin' contraception controversy is really quite grim.

  10. comrad_darkness

    Hey, I thought they told us we would fight the religious fundamentalists over there so we wouldn't have to fight them over here.

  11. Mumbletypeg

    "Be it enacted by General Assembly that no man shall be compelled to frequent or support any religious worship, place, or ministry whatsoever, nor shall be enforced, restrained, molested, or burdened in his body or goods, nor shall otherwise suffer on account of his religious opinions or belief, but that all men shall be free to profess, and by argument to maintain, their opinions in matters of Religion, and that the same shall in no wise diminish, enlarge or affect their civil capacities." — from The Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom

    As I was looking up yesterday at the side of the historic/ aged building near downtown in Virginia's capital, where this entire excerpt is painted mural-style on its exterior, I didn't see where I was walking and stepped in someone's dog poop.

    It seems an apt metaphor, somehow.

    1. tessiee

      Shorter: Freedom = my freedom to control others. If I can't force everybody else to follow my religion, I'm being terribly, horribly oppressed, because freeeeedumbz!

  12. UnholyMoses

    Yes, because no one knows the plight of women obtaining birth control like … a bunch of conservative men who think women should be nothing but baby-and-sammich making machines.

    At least they could've picked some guys with some familiarity with the icky women parts, rather than guys who know those of boys much better.

  13. Oblios_Cap

    Hey! Stalin was a child of God, too.

    Issa with Gandhi, King, and JFK is surreal. Doesn't that asshat hate everything that all 3 men stood for? Would have killed him to stick a picture of Mother Teresa up there too?

      1. MadBrahms

        So did Gandhi; he was part of a (famous in its time) debate with Margaret Sanger over the issue. Needless to say his arguments followed a slightly different logic than the GOP – he saw sex generally as giving oneself over to desire and was uninterested in the "every sperm is sacred" hoo-hah going around today.

        Oh, and he also hated war, so there's that. What a bunch of selectively appropriating asshats these guys are.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    Thank God women have men around to instruct them on how they are allowed to think and use their bodies!

    Ribs don't come cheap!

  15. freakishlywrong

    I'm seriously pissed off about this. Where are the fucking jerbs? To allow these zealots, (and the "media"), to obfuscate how fucking shitty conservative policies are, how fucking awful their candidates are, how they hate every one but white x-tians is criminal. Keep your fucking Mitts off my cycle/vagina/reproductive rights.

    1. TeaNuts

      When will these douches quit trying to drag us back to the 14th century. By the way extra points for obfuscate.

  16. north_of_moscow

    We simply can not take away a man's right to make a woman do what he wants. It's in the constitution, people.

  17. BarackMyWorld

    Women? Sure.

    But where are the representatives from the insurance companies? They're the ones actually being told to pay for the contraceptives, not the church.

  18. imissopus

    Well sure, we all know how hysterical the women get when they have to talk about emotions and stuff.

    Seriously, is that a fucking priest on the far left in that photo? Amazing.

  19. dijetlo

    Well, the Republicans promised to introduce jobs legislation, we just didn't realize they were talking about blow jobs.
    With that in mind, I am significantly more sanguine about our new, douchenozzle, Overlords.

  20. MissTaken

    I get all my birth control advice from fat, old men. That's why I douche with 7-up while jumping up and down on the bed after he cums. Only fails once every 9 months!

    1. SorosBot

      I'm using the Catholic method of birth control, and praying really, really hard that I didn't knock somebody up last weekend.

        1. SorosBot

          Whew, well that takes a load off my mind; since as a good Catholic I refused to use sinful condoms I was afraid my prayers might go unanswered and you could be giving me the "you're gonna be a daddy" call soon.

  21. kissawookiee

    The Handmaid's Tale and Catch-22 knocked boots (without protection, natch) and this nasty mess of quintuplets spewed forth. All that's left is for Bosch to paint the family portrait.

  22. Tundra Grifter

    Rep. Issa will invite in the women after the hearings are over – so he can tell them what to think about this issue.

  23. SaintRond

    I know what'll happen if I play that fucking video. It's like that movie "The Ring," where 72 hours later you die looking like you just chewed up a fist size chunk of alum.

    Fuck you.

  24. SorosBot

    Apropos of nothing…
    http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/02/opinion/birth-c

    "In 1936, Stalin banned abortion to stimulate the birth rate. In a widely resented decree that was dropped after his death, Stalin made it clear that the nation's couples should produce workers and soldiers as vigorously as new Soviet industries were turning out trucks and steel beams."

    http://www.birthcontrolwatch.org/blog/2009/01/mar

    Family Planning — A Special and Urgent Concern
    by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

    "There is no human circumstance more tragic than the persisting existence of a harmful condition for which a remedy is readily available. Family planning, to relate population to world resources, is possible, practical and necessary. Unlike plagues of the dark ages or contemporary diseases we do not yet understand, the modern plague of overpopulation is soluble by means we have discovered and with resources we possess."

    ….

    "Margaret Sanger had to commit what was then called a crime in order to enrich humanity, and today we honor her courage and vision; for without them there would have been no beginning. Our sure beginning in the struggle for equality by nonviolent direct action may not have been so resolute without the tradition established by Margaret Sanger and people like her. Negroes have no mere academic nor ordinary interest in family planning. They have a special and urgent concern."

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      That Stalin quote seems to have modern day echoes.

      Ah, here we are.

      Santorum cited the “abortion culture” and said “we don’t have enough workers to support the retirees. Well, a third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion.”

      1. tessiee

        Yes, get with it, you young people out there "kickin' it"!
        Those cannons won't fodder themselves, you know!

      2. tessiee

        "Santorum cited the “abortion culture” and said “we don’t have enough workers to support the retirees."

        Of course, since there aren't enough jerbs for the people we *do* have, all those unemployed younguns are already welfare bums crankin' out too many babbies, so there's that.

      3. BarryOPotter

        Wait, are you saying there is something fascistic about Santorum et al? Nooo…., why, that's unbeli…, that's incredi…, I mean, I hardly kno…. Yeah, ok. Point taken.

      4. Chichikovovich

        "Well, a third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion.”

        And just think of the young people that aren't in America today because of abstinence. Billions, at least! It's a holocaust!

      5. GunToting[Redacted]

        There was research done which suggests that the drop in violent crime over the past 20+ years is directly related to the legalization of abortion. Girls who get pregnant before they are ready to provide a stable family delay childbirth, and are more ready to care for their children, rather than neglecting them. In states where abortion was legalized 5+ years befor Roe v. Wads, crime began dropping (wait for it) 5 years before other states.

  25. Dashboard Buddha

    As appalling as this is, I think it will be a good thing in the long run. Please folks, bring the crazy harder, tighter, and wetter. Keep showing the vast number of women who support contraception that you are actively working against their best interests.

  26. Oblios_Cap

    The SausageFest Five may support the Catholic Church's stand against contraception, but they still wouldn't let any of the conceived join their country clubs.

  27. joshleefolsom

    We need a bill prohibiting single men from getting insurance-covered Viagra prescriptions. I am going to write my congressmen now to suggest it.

  28. SudsMcKenzie

    I would totally contracept that woman to the right of Issa.

    Well, they did bring in " lay persons"

    (I''m sorry, but this is fucking ridiculous)

  29. Geminisunmars

    C'mon, guys, it stands to reason that they wouldn't have any women there because how could they testify objectively.

  30. chicken_thief

    JFK was looking down at that Jennifer Connelly looking (at least from that distance) chick like he wanted to bone her.

  31. fartknocker

    Meh, where the heck is the representative from Abortionplex? Those folks truly understand women reproductive rights and make some of the best stir-fried fetus.

    I see the Catholic church is represented at this Dog & Pony show. Did anyone have the balls to ask them how they are dealing with pedophile preists? I didn't think so.

  32. cheetojeebus

    if one were to pit roast these fuckers slowly over a 12 or so hr period, in a slow charcoal fire. Not too hot. The cracklings and such would be a treat. Specially if you give em a long bath in a good mojito marinade first. Some really tasty sandwiches with a nice hard crust french bread. A little rice pudding afterwards and a long nap in the shade.

  33. Negligently_Joe

    It's pretty simple, really: no women were allowed to testify because being aware of women speaking in public, or teaching anyone anything, would violate these men's freedom of religion.

  34. mavenmaven

    If they quote Stalin on contraception, who will they quote when they convene the house panel on masturbation?

  35. MrsBiggTime

    Yes, GOP.
    By all means, go with "contraception = Stalin" for your theme, and Santorum for your candidate. Please.

  36. HELisforHEL

    I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed in my Congresscritter, Rep DeLauro. She didn't stand up and say "Oh my fucking god, you idiots are assholes of such immense proportions that it's off the charts. And who the fuck are you to be telling women what the fuck to do with their vaginas to begin with, you load of craptastic misogynists?" and then pull up a flamethrower and torch them all, widely arcing the nozzle across the dais until they crumbled to ash.

  37. CapnFatback

    I just need to make sure I've been following the news correctly–as I have a tendency to try to apply logic and reason to life's daily adventures–but it could be that I'm failing at that here, and I want to make sure I'm not overlooking something.

    After Catholic bishops cried "religious oppression" over the specter of having to offer to the laborers in their institutions health care insurance that included contraceptive care, the Obama administration struck a deal with the insurance companies that meant that the employees will still get such care, but the church is off the hook for providing it, right?

    And there's still an uproar?

    Am I goddamned mis-fucking-reading this, or are the assholes complaining because they want the ability to BLOCK contraceptive care to their employees? Is that really what's going on here?.

    Sometimes I imagine if Jeebus did exist that he'd visit the people who do fucked-up shit in his name with a sanctified rubber chicken and, when the religious bigot dropped to his knees in reverence, Comedy Jeebus would whack that mother with the strength of Samson and disappear in a puff of vaudeville.

    1. Mojopo

      Poor Jesus. It's like he's at a county fair playing Whack A Mole. As he smacks one down the hole, five more pop up. The Lord needs a bigger bat, perhaps, or we need to quit making stupid people (or quit making people stupid – 6 of one, half dozen of the other).

  38. Mojopo

    Do I bitch when a drug like Cardura, used for enlarged prostates, is covered by health insurance providers? No, because I'm your pal. Just because I'm a woman and I don't have your equipment doesn't mean I hate you. Lots of women like me need birth control pills for everything from bad headaches and acne to painful periods. I would be pleased to explain how painful and disgusting periods are – please ask – for however long it takes for these non-vagina'ed men to shut the hell up. In fact, because they've been such fuckers about this issue, these men should pay for everyone's birth control meds for at least a week. Everybody. After, thank God for the opportunity to have helped so many suffering women.

  39. Poindexter718

    I'm sick and tired of all the PC/diversity police around here: Of the five men on the witness panel 20% are black men; isn't that enough for you people?

  40. owhatever

    In their cumulative experience, these heralds of the Lord haven't been laid in 854 years, unless getting jerked off by little boys counts.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      If you rub a codpiece against a flight-suit long enough it will cause ejaculation — in more than just the person doing the rubbing. Mission accomplished.

  41. C_R_Eature

    Let's imagine, for a bit that Barry's 2008 Election Media crew came up with a one minute commercial Exactly Like This. What do you think would happen?
    I know what would happen. the entire Right Wing Media Industrial Complex would hit the fucking ceiling. For Months.It would be so unfair, media bias, mean nasty Liberals, etc.etc.etc. You know the drill.

    And…now…they are doing it to themselves. And…now… they are trying madly to justify this.
    I'm running seriously low in Snark. Plenty of Outrage, though, no worries there.

  42. MilwaukeeKent

    But WHY do they want to lose? I ask you, WHY? What can possibly be their game-plan here? Are they throwing a Hail-Mary, hoping that they drive everyone else too insane to vote in November? Why the Mind F*ck? They're not Shakers, they're not Situationists, why is this Lemming-like behavior surfacing in an election year, this drive to self-extinguish…

  43. Negropolis

    Walberg is an odious fuck. This is his second, non-consecutive term in Congress, and his district was made safer for him even though he'll probably likely be out in 2012. He's a bought-and-paid for preacher funded by Club for Growth. He's about as hillbilly as you get in the Michigan Congressional delegation.

    BTW, every time I see Issa I just want to shout "Thief!"

Comments are closed.