the plan reveals itself

Sarah Palin Is Plotting Her Greatest Grift Of All

Would Ronald Reagan approve?Oh, oh ho ho ho, oh man, do we feel like idiots! Why was Sarah Palin giving all of those weird semi- or quarter-endorsements to Newt Gingrich a few weeks ago and then trash talking Romney on Fox News Sunday this past weekend? Why is she so intent on seeing the primary process dragged out like this? We’d figured it was just to annoy people for the hell of it, à la her Christine O’Donnell endorsement. But no. (Sigh). So dumb of us! The long-grift at work is right there, in the open, for all to see: She wants to bring the nomination fight to a brokered convention in which party officials eventually ask her to jump in the race. Lazy ol’ Sarah Palin would get to be the nominee, and she wouldn’t have to do more than a day or two’s worth of campaigning to snag it. Of course this is her plan. Ha ha ha ha! It would be the Snowbilly Grift of the Century.

We don’t usually consider Fox Business Network’s Eric Bolling one of the news media’s most savory personalities, but hey, let’s give credit for his work in this interview on his last show yesterday. He knew his subject. It would be a waste of time, see, to ask most politicians, at this early stage in the race, if he or she would accept the presidential nomination at a brokered convention, because they’d easily brush it aside. But it’s the perfect question to ask Sarah Palin, who’s never turned down an opportunity to amplify her childish megalomaniac comedy theories to anyone who’ll listen. From Politico:

“If one of the nominees, one of the GOPers, doesn’t get enough delegates, it could go to a brokered convention,” said Fox Business Network’s Eric Bolling in an interview. “If it does get to that, and someone said, ‘Governor, would you be interested,’ would you be interested?”

“For one, I think that it could get to that. … If it had to be closed up today, the whole nominating process, then we could be looking at a brokered convention. … Nobody is quite there yet, so I think that months from now, if that is the case, all bets are off as to who it will be, willing to offer up themselves up in their name in service to their country.”

“I would do whatever I could to help,” she added, her voice rising.

“That’s, that’s fantastic,” replied Bolling.

“That’s fantastic.” Oh Eric Bolling, you’ll land right on your feet once this all blows over.

You can tell that she’s been thinking about this seriously for a while. She believes that a backroom deal among Republican party leaders could shake out in a way that promotes her. This is quite something. When this presidential cycle was gearing up a year or two ago, we’d expected that if any backroom deal were to occur, it would be a scenario in which Sarah Palin ran and was in a position to win the nomination and had to be stopped, through whatever emergency party mechanism was available. The second possibility would be the same thing, but with Newt Gingrich. (And look at this latest polling news: Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin are now sharing the title of “most disliked politician in America.”) But who knows? Maybe the Republican party will decide to cede the general election during its convention, for laughs. Who knows.

Grift of the Millenium! Best of luck to her and her political comedy plan.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. memzilla

    Sarah Palin is simply practicing Mean Six Sigma.

    [Of course, Levi n' Bristol were practicing Seen Sex Smegma (ba-domp).]

    1. Trannysurprise

      You have a spelling error. It's C U N T. As in, she's a raging blood soaked CUNT on the face of America and apple pie.

  2. ifthethunderdontgetya

    We don’t usually consider Fox Business Network’s Eric Bolling one of the news media’s most savory personalities


    Bolling Responds To Rep. Waters' Comments: "Congresswoman, You Saw What Happened To Whitney Houston. Step Away From The Crack Pipe"

  3. Terry

    Hmmm, I really don't think so. First, there's no profit margin in being elected to office for Miz Palin. Second, election…or even a campaign…would require her to work. Third, outside of a crazy and shrinking subsection of the GOP, no one much likes her anymore.

    1. MLHencken

      You may be on to something. If someone could somehow just explain to Grifterbot 2000 that being preznit requires a lot of actual *work* she would run screaming back to Wasilla for an emergency binge eating trip to Taco Bell and thereafter into her jammies to sulk in bed for a month.

      1. V572 Flambé

        That's the plan-within-the-plan:

        1. Accept a draft from the deadlocked GOPer convention
        2. Load up on GOPer wardrobe, makeup, shoes, private-jet travel to escape Wasilla
        3. Lose election ignominiously to the luckiest black man who ever lived
        4. $$$$ from Fox for life.

        This has about as much chance of happening as some Xtian jehadi outpolling Mitt in the caucuses and primari….uh-oh.

    2. chicken_thief

      That "Third" hasn't stopped Rmoney, Sant rum, Newt, or Dr. Ron from combing the countryside for votes.

    3. spends2much

      You're right. She would like from the American people something a bit more Marie Antoinette-ish. Anoint her, give her all the money she can blow on lip liner and Bumpits, and then get back to your serfdom, while constantly worshipping her.

      She wants this because she's completely psychologically normal, and is not at all a malignant narcissist with low levels of empathy…

      1. Barb

        Not "too soon" The prescription is every four hours, 2 Percocet and I'm running with scissors here. Meh, I'll forget all the mean things I said while in rehab.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Barb, Barb, Barb, just because you think it doesn't mean you should say it.
      (Except on Wonkette, where it is fine)

    2. Biff

      Not just you. Working on the campaign in '08 in Nevada, we'd get busloads of volunteers from California. I'd be hooked up with a different one every day, and when asked what energized them the most, it was $arah. Universally. Every single one of them hated her and was willing to uproot themselves from their comfortable lives in Coastal California and come to this blighted desert berg and walk door to door all day, just to do their little part in ensuring that USAmerica wouldn't be saddled with that cunt in any national capacity.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I was in an OFA training the week after she was named as the nominee (that moment when the news plus Rasmussen's shitty polling dragged McCain up in the polls, before she shat all over herself on national TV and McCain botched the response to the economic crisis). The palpable fear of the snowbilly was a unifying theme for what was otherwise a pretty disparate group second only to our hope for electing a sane replacement for W.

    3. Nothingisamiss

      Holy fucking shit. I can't believe I laughed in horror.

      I need better drugs. (Dr. Lyles, I'm looking at you.)

        1. SorosBot

          I wouldn't and couldn't; it's kind of impossible to get a boner if you're looking at a woman who is that hideously grotesque. And then there's that voice.

          1. SorosBot

            She probably is – really I don't see how anyone could be attracted to such an awful awful person, even if she was physically attractive, which she's not. I prefer women who are sweet and only naughty in a sexual way, as everyone here probably knows.

          2. chicken_thief

            Guilty as charged. I recently watched a rerun episode of 30 Rock where, on a first date, one of her boobs popped out of her blouse. Not shown of course, but I still almost went into cardiac arrest.

          1. DaRooster

            There was a day… but I am not that high/drunk/stupid anymore… at least I like to think…
            But I have been with some evil, dumb bitches before…

          2. Not_So_Much

            The thought of a donkey-punch isn't entirely unappealing. But, no, my outie would become an innie around that black-hearted shrew…

          3. BerkeleyBear

            Sadly, LL, you know full well that with enough booze most would likely succumb to the succubus. Personally I can't stand stupid, mean women and I'm socially awkward enough she'd never willingly spend time with me. Woo-hoo – the side benefits of anxiety.

          4. Limeylizzie

            MrLimeylizzie is very socially awkward, but he is extremely handsome and so women hit on him all the time and he has no clue that it is happening and if he does realise then he just freezes up.

          5. Limeylizzie

            That's right, that's how I snagged him, it was on a movie set and he was surrounded by all these model/actresses who were trying to entice him and he was scared of them, so I went with the humour and the big tits meme…bingo!

          6. FlownOver

            I dunno… can she screech with her mouth full? Loud enough to overcome the Bose QC-15 Quiet Comfort™ noise-canceling headphones?

            (Note to self… be sure to send invoice for $200K "campaign contribution" to Bose)

  4. north_of_moscow

    This puts Santorum's request for Secret Service protection in a whole new light. Watch your back, candidates, lest you end up face first in a turkey grinder.

  5. freakishlywrong

    I'd say this would be brilliant; save for the fact that I can't and won't listen to that shrill, folksy cuntiness for more than a 24 hour news cycle. If that.

  6. Joshua Norton

    Typical teabagger wingnut. They all want to go to heaven, but none of them want to go through what it takes to get there.

    Caribou Barbie would just lurv the nomination, if she doesn't have to, you know, actually run for it. Or spend any money.

    1. ThundercatHo

      I believe you have hit the nail on the head, ahem, as it were. There is no work involved. This is summed up nicely in my least favorite bumper sticker, "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven". They believe that you can lead an amoral life but as long as you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior all is forgiven.

  7. MildMidwesterner

    Florida outlawed smoking indoors, so there will be no cigar-filled rooms at the convention in which to broker a deal. Sarah's plan is a FAIL.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      The key thing to remember about these cocksuckers is that "The Rules Apply to the Little People* Out There, Not To Me" – so light up those stogies, Boys, and pick us a winner!

      *No midget libel intended

    1. GOPCrusher

      Sadly no. I've said it since this summer. Bible Spice truly believes that she will end up being the Republiklan nominee, because it will be apparent that not one of the candidates stand a snowball's chance in Hell of defeating the Kenyan, Muslim, Socialist Usurper, and they will come begging on their hands and knees for Bible Spice to save them.
      And I think she truly believes that the American public loves her so much that she will overwhelmingly be elected to be President of the United States.

  8. SorosBot

    Um, why would the Republican leaders turn to a candidate who is universally loathed and guarantee an Obama victory in all fifty states?

      1. SorosBot

        So they're really just looking into being dominated by the black man, and sublimate their desire into incoherent racist rage. Kinky.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      These are the same 'tards that were prepared to crash the economy over the debt ceiling. To them, it's more important that they make their loud and righteous point now than consider the potentially catastrophic consequences later. My 8 yo has a better grasp of the long view than these fuckers.

    2. Not_So_Much

      I don't think the deep money would. I've read speculation about them punting this cycle already because the field is so stupid/shitty/incompetent and just focusing on making Barry's second term so horrible that they'll sweep in big in '16.

    3. gullywompr

      Gonna happen anyway, what do they have to lose? Truth is, they already lost their whole shebang in 2008, this is just the afterglow.

    4. GOPCrusher

      They don't believe that. Remember, they think that they represent the majority of Americans. Despite evidence to the contrary.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    From an author I just discovered, though this is from "Notes" on her anthologized poems several years ago:

    “I wrote this series of poems during the lead-up to the 2008 election. I was terrified that the McCain-Palin ticket would win, and I was bereft of language. In fact, I felt abandoned by words and so I sought them out – but not just any words. I sought out abandoned words so that I would have a kinship with them at least…”

    Julianna Baggott, author of “To My Lover, Concerning the Yird-Swine” and other poems.

    Yeesh, what a bloody Valentine to swallow.

    1. Geminisunmars

      What a great word(s) – yird-swine. As in "Palin, the yird-swine, loves to hang out where turkeys and others are being beheaded."

  10. mrpuma2u

    I doubt the Wasilla grifter would fare well in the backroom dealings, she is too used to her sycophant entourage to have any actual skills at real deal brokering. She would scream "blood libel" or some such and go across the table, swinging a walrus skinning knife at the first snarky comment Callista made about her outfit not matching.

  11. TanzbodenKoenig

    I'm not even mad, I'm just impressed.

    Also I hope it does work out how she wants this race hasnt been funny since all the clowns dropped out and they stopped lettin Newtles self destruct on the TV

  12. EatsBabyDingos

    In Sarah's honor, I am going to the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, where they have an eight foot tall bronze statue of said Ronald Reagan Washington, whoever he was, and put a large banana with a condom between his legs, and a Minnie Pearl hat on his head, with price tag, and a large note for his chest thanking him for this Afterbirth of a Nation that his party has spawned.

    Then I'm going to sing the Doom Song, "doom dee doom deedoom."

  13. sezme

    I think the important question for Sarah is, if she were not the vice-presidential, but the presidential nominee, would she have to return the clothing to Neiman Marcus after she lost?

      1. ChessieNefercat

        One can only hope that she doesn't feel compelled to wink, flirt, wiggle, and demo catheter insertion for us accompanied by a voice-over in her dreadful sing-songy metallic screech.

  14. freakishlywrong

    Oh Jesus, and Tawd and Piper and Tripp and Trak and fuck the world, all of the attendant hillbillies.

  15. johnnyzhivago

    GOP could just submit "no nomination made" – like the dems do out here in Republican Jerseystan for township committee, dog catcher, etc…

    Or they could just plead ignorance and say we "forgot" to file the paperwork and blame Obama or something.

  16. DaRooster

    “I would do whatever I could to help,” she added, her voice rising.

    Ah, so that is why my dogs were running around barking and bleeding from their ears… poor BubbaDawg and Smokey.

    1. Biff

      OMG. I live out in the weeds where almost everyone has a herd of dogs for whatever reasons, security I guess since there's nothing to hunt here. The ones that spend all day howling must have owners watching fox. The ones that don't howl must belong to poors without TV, since everyone watches fox that can watch fox, right?

  17. Salam Bombay

    Jim Linked to Politico?!?

    And come on, did you really not figure this out when she 'endorsed' Newt? Of course that was her plan all along.

    On the other hand, it could be that after a long day at work my snark / sarcasm detector is failing me…

  18. qwerty42

    Oh Sarah. The once and future queen. So will she pick Romney or Santorum or Gingrich as a running mate, or will it be someone really off the wall? maybe Sheriff Joe!

  19. bureaucrap

    Like her favorite president, Warren Harding, she is ready to go full-sleazeball. She's already had surveyors draw up plat lines for lots in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, to be made available as "thank you gifts" to all of her $1m + donors.

  20. Barb

    Could you imagine the White House Easter egg hunt if she got the job? The little kids would be picking up fetuses that her daughters litter the lawn with. *shiver*

    1. chicken_thief

      Think they will keep the Palin tradition of giving an extra serving of fresh killed turkey to the one who finds Little Baby T painted as the golden egg?

    2. ChessieNefercat

      Listening to her screech, the Bunny would hop right into the pot of boiling water just for the sweet release of death.

  21. SolitaireRose

    And if she doesn't get it it, she's going to go on a pointless bus trip to nowhere. And quit halfway through that. And blame Obama.

  22. Salam Bombay

    Also, too, about 27% percent people approve of Sarah Palin.
    That dude who came up with Crazyfication Factor theory should win the Noble Prize.

  23. DerrickWildcat

    This is how I used to play that game, "Myth" online. 5 or 6 people could play at a time and you started with like a Lord of the Rings type of army. Like a Wizard, Archers, Axe Men…little guys like that. Your job was to capture the the flag thingie in the middle of the World. When the game started, everybody raced to the flag and fought each other. I would just stand around for a few minutes and wait for everyone to wipe each other out and then stroll to the flag with little resistance, grab the flag and win. I got called, cheater, fag and pussy a lot, but i won nearly every game. This is what Palin is doing.

  24. TheRiverCharley

    This is simply a result of her unique experience – no matter where Sarah Palin is in the world, she can see Never-Never Land.

  25. Monsieur_Grumpe

    This RNC will be the best ever!
    I'm predicting fist fights, spitting, cussing and hair pulling…. and that's just in the men's room.

  26. Smithboy

    Sarah Palin is a neocon (Bill Kristol) creation. The same warmongers who pressed for the Iraq war and are now pushing for the US to attack Iran, plunging the world into an oil crisis, the likes of which we have never seen before, know that Sarah Palin would be a female GW BUSH, taking orders from Tel Aviv.

  27. CapnFatback

    I suppose the best long con ever would be to portray yourself as someone who would be compelled to quit midway through a long con. Genius!

  28. Not_So_Much

    You can tell that she’s been thinking about this seriously for a while.

    is where I get pessimistic. This twatwaffle hasn't had a serious thought, other than about Glenn Rice's delightful ebony wang, rattle through her empty head her entire life.

  29. Steverino247

    I've been saying this for months. She knows she can't compete with the others, so she has to wait until they all burn out or self destruct or things get deadlocked at the convention. It's part of her psychpathology to believe people really love her and want her to be President to rescue them. She's ready for her close up, Mr. DeMille, because she loves all those wonderful people out there in the dark (corners of the Republican base).

    1. ChessieNefercat

      A great ad would be some sort of melding of the original Norah Desmond scene with wonky-eyed Palin wriggling around yapping about someone with a "servant's heart" (retch) being ready to answer the call.

      Especially with some of the more ghastly aging hooker fashions/wigs she's treated us to lately.

  30. YasserArraFeck

    All snark aside, if this actually came to pass, I would get down on my knees and give thanks to all the deities I don't believe in (I can do hypocrisy when circumstances demand it), because it would (i) be the most entertaining election in living memory, and (ii) signal the end of the conservatard republicans as a viable political force.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      I hear that. It might be the GOP's wakeup call that pandering to the angry, pig-ignorant wing is not a viable strategy.

  31. SorosBot

    If Sarah was to somehow to get the nomination, could you imagine her concession speech? It would be the most graceless and angry ever, and mark her as the country's sorest loser; she'd probably almost immediately start making up some bullshit about election fraud and screeching at everyone who voted for that man instead of her.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Can you imagine Barry's face during the debates? (Ha, ha, omg, wtf? No, no, must maintain presidential face. Can not burst into a gut busting belly laugh.)

      1. widestanceromance

        I've been wondering the same thing for all the GOP candidates, none of whom has enough brain cells to stand and speak at the same time. How will O control the urge to fall out?

  32. stanpan

    Hey! In the article, she wasn't droppin' any g's! I think there was a Palin imposter pulling the wool over Crackpipe Bolling's eyes!

  33. ShiftyParadigm

    Every time she opens her mouth I say the same prayer: "Dear Lord, look in anger at your servant John McCain and smite him with at least seven of the ten plagues. He hath loosed the demon upon us, and is worthy of your wrath."

  34. Poindexter718

    This bespectacled colostomy bag has been relegated to Fox Business News and yet she thinks she is the GOP's saviour???
    Good grief.

  35. KeepFnThatChicken

    Didn't she also win second place in some beauty pageant? WAY TO EXCEL THERE, "MISS CONGENIALITY." Second place is the first loser.

  36. Chichikovovich

    Sarah absolutely does not want the work etc. needed to run for Pres. This is what 80s arbitrageurs called "greenmail" – she's counting on the convention Sans-Culottes [metaphorically speaking, of course. I don't mean that there will be a hall full of Republicans with no underwear. Yuck.] getting out of control and careening toward Sarah as the savior, despite all efforts of the establishment to control them. Then suddenly unknown benefactors chip in to buy her a $100 million dollar beachfront estate in the Caribbean, and she discovers the need to spend more time with a child who shall not be named.

    (A longer version of this post got administratored, for reasons opaque to me. Chichikovovich scholars of the 22nd Century will be very upset at the lacuna in the Oevres Complètes. See if this one survives.)

    1. Mumbletypeg

      It's not just you. I keep getting deleted, for trying to reply to Gemini's reply in my earlier comment. I found her here at your corner & attempted to re-post my response to her, and failed. Very frustrating.

  37. James Michael Curley

    This strategy worked well for a friend of mine. But it was, "I don't go out to the bars before 11:00 because the women are too sober to come near me."

  38. SorosBot

    Just plain cash probably. And it would take a hell of a lot. I don't know, how much would you be willing to pimp me out to Sarah for?

    1. MissTaken

      I hope it would require at least as much as it would take for me to bang Santorum, and fortunately I don't have $10 million just lying around.

      1. SorosBot

        Of course Santorum would only be interested if he could get you pregnant; that really would require a great deal of money.

      2. vtxmcrider

        I would fuck Santorum for free … just so I could get it on film and post it all over this network of pipes.

  39. BarackMyWorld

    I cannot emphasize enough how much Haley Barbour must be kicking himself right now (either for not running or by then killing his political future with his mass pardons…pick one).

  40. StarsUponThars

    Because the greatest grift of all
    Is happening to me
    I found the greatest grift of all
    Inside of me
    The greatest grift of all
    Is easy to achieve
    Learning to grift yourself
    It is the greatest grift of all

    (with apologies to Miss Houston)

  41. WiscDad

    WTF is up with that answer? For one, I think Hell could freeze over too…if it happened today…but it won't, we're not there yet…maybe in a couple of months from now…whatever

  42. Guppy

    I'll believe a brokered convention when I see one (and it's never happened in my lifetime).

    Let me put it this way: if things get brokered, why bother with primary elections? And if you don't bother with primary elections, where are the primary campaign donors?

  43. Sheesko

    Look at it this way: People who dislike are a strong voting block. A Gingrich/Palin ticket could sweep that mob.

  44. ElPinche

    Needs moar "Nailin Paylin II: Grifter goes to Washington" !

    In this new Vivid video, Sarah sucks and fucks her way to the U.S. Presidency. In one scene, Sarah tries to steal the president's birth certificate. President Barry Obamer catches her, and of course, she can't resist his "long form." Barry pounds her salmon hole from behind while her ment4lly challenged son (played by Wee Man) watches on . Watch Sarah milk men on her way to the top!

  45. chascates

    Robert Zimmerman on CNN this morning talking about Sarah Palin still doubting Romney's conservative cred:

    Having to defend your credentials to Sarah Palin, well that’s sort of like having to defend your sense of character and style to Snooki or Nicki Minaj. Or defending your sense of history to Rick Perry or Michele Bachmann. Certainly the idea that Sarah Palin’s setting the standard, after she quit her governorship mid-term, is hardly the issue.

  46. NYNYNYjr

    Then on the night after the inauguration, she quietly opens the safe behind the duck painting in the oval office, pockets the Taft diamond, sneaks out through the secret presidential escape tunnel where on the other side Todd is waiting on his snowmobile, and disappears into the night. Vice-President Joe Plumber is questioned, but he was never in on it and it turns out he's a really good chief exec.

  47. MadBrahms

    In honor of Whitney Houston, she will use "Learning to Love Yourself" (The Greatest Love) as her campaign music.

  48. ibwilliamsi

    Sarah is the perfect example of "a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing". Who the hell put THIS bug in her ear?

  49. fuflans

    i actually don't think st. ronnie would much approve of st. sarah.

    or, well, he would totally not see her at the party until he was drunk and she was desperate and then he'd take her home for a quick malibu fuck and that would be the closest the world ever got to turning on its axis.

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