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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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179 comments

    1. chicken_thief

      The Wasilla strip club that has the all you can eat buffet? No. No. No. Not the one Bristol works at.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Yes – Turing would have been tested by Sarah!

      Though I'm pretty sure Sarah! 's entire intellectual output could be mimicked by a maybe 50 state nondeterministic Turing machine – just enough to remember how to print a stock of 25 buzzwords, in randomized order, in response to any question.

        1. Chichikovovich

          True, but on the other hand, Turing was known to go into “does not compute” mode on some occasions when Wittgenstein said things that struck him as not making sense. Turing meeting Palin would be like the collision of intellectual matter and anti-matter. The universe itself would be imperiled.—

      1. MittBorg

        I'm gonna have to disagree with you there, Chich. Sarah neither listens nor makes sense, and any random collection of words in either direction will suffice.

    1. V572 Flambé

      Not quite…it was something called "communications."

      After graduating from high school, Palin enrolled at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. Shortly after arriving in Hawaii, Palin transferred to Hawaii Pacific University in Honolulu for a semester in the fall of 1982, and then to North Idaho College, a community college in Coeur d'Alene, for the spring and fall semesters of 1983…In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla beauty pageant. She finished third in the Miss Alaska pageant, playing flute in the talent portion of the contest, and receiving both the Miss Congeniality award and a college scholarship.
      She attended the University of Idaho in Moscow, Idaho, in the fall of 1984 and spring of 1985, and Matanuska-Susitna College in Alaska in the fall of 1985. Palin returned to the University of Idaho in the spring of 1986, and received her bachelor's degree in communications with an emphasis in journalism in 1987

      1. paris biltong

        Thanks for all of this valuable information. Hawaii, Idaho, Alaska, geographically speaking, she seems to have moved gradually north. Her career now seems to be going south, however.

        1. V572 Flambé

          Not to mention her hair and wardrobe. Amazing how much hotter she looked when the GOPer handlers were doing her carapace.

    1. GOPCrusher

      She's a brave mother of a special needs child, that if the liberals would have had their way, she would have been forced to abort so they could feast on the fetus.

      1. MittBorg

        Have you ever *tried* one? With a teaspoon of shredded fresh young ginger threads, a teaspoon minced garlic, the thinnest thread of dark chocolate nestled in a white-pepper/coconut cream sauce? MMM-mmm, good.

  1. SayItWithWookies

    [Palin] said Obama is "underestimating the wisdom of women. Because women understand there is access to preventative care and contraception out there, and we don't need government to tell our employers that they must provide that for us…"

    Yeah, Sarah, that's what the Constitution is all about — ensuring the freedom of employers to refuse to do things they don't like that would benefit the general populace. Which reminds me — shouldn't there be a law against speaking English without a license?

    1. JustPixelz

      I would like to see what happens when employers individually decline contraception coverage. Since pregnancy becomes more likely and costs more, rates will go up. Will that employer stand by his or her principals when it costs actual money?

    2. emmelemm

      Yes, there is access, when you have things like PLANNED PARENTHOOD. Oh, oops, got rid of that. Darn it.

    3. Native_of_SL_UT

      We are going to take advice on the "wisdom of women" from this twit? Both her and her daughter's attempt at birth control failed when the pills kept falling out.

    4. GOPCrusher

      No. But in Arizona you better damn sure make sure you have your papers in order if you don't speak English.

    5. PuckStopsHere

      I think I've understood her to say she supports a constitutional amendment to make English the official language of the United States, but I can't be sure that I understood what she said.

    6. natoslug

      Her words may be recognized individually as English, but a law against speaking English without a license would have no effect on Princess P.

  2. Mumbletypeg

    Snowbilly's Almanac is correct, after all. They had a call for dundersnow — an infrequent anomaly when two masses of air, extremely apart in temperature, collide to cause frozen substance to appear while producing cracks of dunderheadedness — in today's forecast.

  3. SorosBot

    Oh for fuck's sake. Sarah, just because your family has gotten stuck with a bunch of unwanted babies and marriages since none of you seem to have any clue how to use birth control doesn't give you the right to force that on everyone else.

  4. Dr_Zoidberg

    Wow. Now, I haven't heard a stream of authentic frontier gibberish like that since that incident in Rock Ridge.

  5. MissTaken

    Excuse me Tundra Twat Waffle??

    Requiring employers to provide basic medical care to employees participating in their health care program is not even close to a violation of the First Amendment, you stupid stanky piece of shit. No one, NO ONE!, is requiring the women to use birth control. Just like no one requires old ass men who can't get their fucking cocks up anymore to use Viagra, but guess what you big-haired mouth of incoherency, VIAGRA IS FUCKING COVERED BY INSURANCE!!! How about the fact that I feel really uncomfortable that my asshole of a grandfather gets his Viagra paid for him by fucking taxpayers like me through Medicare Plan B so he can bang my dementia-riddled grandma whenever he fucking chooses? ISN'T THAT A VIOLATION OF MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT TO NOT KNOW ABOUT MY GRANDPARENTS FUCKING?

    Fuck you, Sarah and fuck that piece of shit Walnuts that dumped your idiocy onto us.

    1. SorosBot

      Once again, you're awesome when you get righteously angry. I wish I could have recorded your rant against Sanrorum the other day and played it for everyone, because that was just spectacular.

      And the Supreme Court has already determined this, in a case involving Native American religious use of peyote; freedom of religion does not allow religion to justify violating the law. There is no violation of anyone's religious liberty here. These vicious morons think they can invoke the First Amendment to force women who work for them to conform to their religious mores against their will, and that's just sick and wrong. Fuck them.

      1. sezme

        Well sure, maybe the Navajo aren't allowed to break the law, but aren't we talking about Christians this time?

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Wait — are you saying that just because my insurance covers dialysis that doesn't mean that I'm required to get kidney disease?

        1. Steverino247

          Vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

          (That joke has been on standby for about 20 years…)

    3. Schmannnity

      "my asshole of a grandfather gets his Viagra paid for him by fucking taxpayers like me through Medicare Plan B so he can bang my dementia-riddled grandma whenever he fucking chooses?"

      Thanksgiving sounds like lots of laughs.

    1. bureaucrap

      Not sure what those clauses are depending on, but we hope it's not the social safety net — those clauses need to make it on their own.

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      Seriously? Our Wonkette is ban hammering the Slanty Eyed Vegetable jokes again?

      What about our First Amendment freedom to fart out tasteless, crass, and obnoxiously -ist mockery of the enfeebled genetic flaws produced by Clan Palin?

  6. JustPixelz

    "A war on our religious liberties…"

    Where have she and Gingrich and the rest of them been in the "war" against building mosques?

    The Constitution also has a 14th Amendment, which requires equal protection under the law. I know the TP'ers hate all those post Civil War fix-ups (like ending slavery, black people are citizens, direct election of senators ), but the later Amendments should carry more weight (IMHO).

    And, of course, if "religious liberty" trumps public policy for health care, I'm sure a lot of women are ready to join my new First Church of Stay Outta My Lady Parts.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Yeah, they were real concerned about religious liberties when they were bitching about the Muslims wanting to build a mosque near the former site of the World Trade Center.
      Wonder what they would say if a Muslim organization would dictate to their female employees that they can no longer use contraceptives as a condition of employment?

      1. jus_wonderin

        I am not sure what they would say, but the resultant light/fireworks/slobberfit/brain explosion would be fuckin' awesome.

    2. LetUsBray

      "Where ha[s] she … been in the "war" against building mosques?"

      Oh, you remember, she was the one insisting that moderate Muslims "pls refudiate" the community center near the site of the World Trade Center because it "stabs the heart". That's how committed to religious liberties Dumbelina is.

  7. Edith_Prickly

    so…just because she never figured out how to use contraceptives means no one else should get to have them either?

  8. MiniMencken

    I often the way same feel when there is too much milk sugar in the air and the voice of the White Angel Bitch tells me "Alive is bad!"

  9. Grief_Lessons

    You've met people who use excessively complex sentence structures to hide the fact that they're insecure about the actual content of what they're saying. I would think that that phenomenon was at work here, except it would require giving Sarah credit for enough insight to be insecure about the things she says.

    Conundrum!

    1. prommie

      In my trade, we call those people "cops." They're always "proceeding in the direction of the suspect" and "surveilling" stuff. They like to comence to engage in activities, too.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I blame the assholes who teach copspeak at the academies for that. They get really good at memorizing nuggets that sort of sound like legalese for when they fill out reports, then they put them into their speech.

        I'd get the same stuff from engineers when I'd talk to them about legal issues – if they've ever been deposed, they are convinced they know how to speak "lawyer." Drove me nuts when they wouldn't just say what they meant and let me translate into shyster if necessary.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      The woman I knew who was the worst at this was a lot like Palin – too dumb to realize just how stupid she sounded, too arrogant to actually seek some help for the massive gaps in her intellect. And she was a nasty backstabbing bitch, too.

      Once, she described the non-profit she headed as "undergoing a dynamical transgression." The only transgressions were hers against the English language, but to this day my wife and I use it as code for anyone talking out of their depth.

  10. chicken_thief

    The only thing I love more than Sarah Palin mutilating the English language is the way she smiles and blinks, like a puppy proud that it correctly performed a trick, when she finishes the…. sentence? Paragraph? Whatevs.

    In order to view that self congratulating banshee, though, I have to view clips with the sound off because her voice takes nails on the chalkboard to a whole 'nother magnitude.

    1. prommie

      She's so proud because she beleives she has fooled us, not because she thinks she made sense, she is exulting over her belief that she has succesfully managed to sound smart when she knows she isn't.

  11. littlebigdaddy

    What's the big deal about contraception? Everyone (in Wasilla) knows that an Alka Seltzer douche is an effective morning after treatment.

    1. GOPCrusher

      That little potty-mouth, Willow, hasn't been heard from in awhile. Wonder how many kids she has now?

  12. bureaucrap

    She has created a prose version of "Where's Waldo" — your challenge is to find the thought that is (or might be — ya just never know for sure) buried in the torrent of verbiage.

  13. Rosie_Scenario

    The only problem with contraceptives vis a vis the Palin clan is that they are not retroactive.

  14. Serolf_Divad

    She also said the issue is not contraception, as many Democrats claim: "Truly, it is a war on our religious liberties and that violation of conscience that he would mandate that is un-American because it violates our First Amendment in our Constitution."

    That's LIE CSNNews! Palin said no such thing… simply because the words you quoted are not actual, coherent speech in any language known to man or machine.

    1. MittBorg

      I know. I can *feel* my brain farting whenever I read her. It's like I'm all coherent and stuff and then I get to, oh, the fourth word or something, and suddenly, it's like I don't have a brain anymore, just a leaking away of all thought and function and memory, and the letters fly by but no longer make sense.

      There's gotta be a way to weaponize that.

  15. prommie

    Truly, what is most insulting to that precious intelligence that is in such short supply in this nation of ours which is being dragged down that toilet of complete fail that is the end, in that historical way, of all the great nations of your history of nations that have been hijacked by one of those cults that are the kind of cult that is one of ignorance, is that ever-present tone of that type of the tone that combines the condescension-like attitude, with the gibberish of the kind like that gibberish of those insane cults of that ignorance which we know is so poisonous to a free democracy that is a free nation under our great Constitution, also.

      1. MittBorg

        True. Even Prommie can't quite pull it off, because somewhere deep inside Prommie lurks a rational, thinking creature with a functioning brain and moral sense.

        You DO realize what this says about Scarah, don't you?

  16. cheaphits

    Sarah left Todd in the frozen north sleeping with his dogs and went to CPAC alone – she's probably had other "things" on her mind than sentence construction.

    1. bagofmice

      She is a person that while possibly having badness is protecting the sanctity of the constitution which was written by the wonderfulness of our forefathers.

  17. Oblios_Cap

    America -a land where even the stupidest person has a chance to grift the rubes.

    Sort of brings a tear to my eye and a warm fuzzy feeling all over.

    1. prommie

      Its one of those precious liberties that those troops over there are fightin' and dyin' to preserve for us here in this nation under God, that liberty of freedom to grift, that the founding fathers of this nation put there in that Constitution that the judges over there in those ivory towers have been tearing up and forgetting about those precious rights.

  18. FakaktaSouth

    My 4yo says things that are more than too are three. If I say, this room is too messy, she'll say "I think it's three messy." This comes from hearing instead of reading words and thinking "too" is a numeric degree – maybe that's also what's wrong with this 40something year old toddler too. She's three stupid to be talking in public and needs to learn how to fucking read.

  19. chascates

    Palin uses almost as many words in a sentence as does James Joyce in Ulysses but makes far less sense.

    1. MittBorg

      Hey, there's some of us here with advanced degrees in just that field, and in all our lives we haven't made as much money as that bitch made last year. So, srsly — why should she bother?

  20. Steverino247

    Further evidence of her stupidity as well as her fantasies about a brokered GOP convention:

    "Well, for one, I think that it could get to that. And I — you know, if it had to — if it had to be kind of closed up today, the whole nominating process, then we would be looking at a brokered convention.

    "I mean nobody is quite there yet. So I think that months from now, if that's the case, then, you know, all bets are off as to who it will be willing to offer themselves up in the name of service to their country. I would — I would do whatever I could to help."

    Yeah. Sarah Palin as the GOP nominee out of a brokered convention. Calling George Orwell to shooting elephants again!

  21. elfgoldsackring

    If stop babby formed not abstinence-wise, who pay learn teen-mom lessons? Unattack our kids right to earn-speech with Jesus hindsight messages for freedom!

  22. reginagreene

    Has any one thought that may be, may be this Sara Palin is as you put it a "wonketeer (or at least the spirit of the wonketerr) dolled up as a tea party type so that she can parody as some of you have elsewhere wondered about others? Or may be she is a worn down performance artist from 20 years ago, tired of shows and now she has revived her self by doing spoofs on the big stage? Cause someof you have to thought that no one can say stuff like she does with out it being her doing parody. I dont think she real, I think she is an artist of the ironic! Bow to her!

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      Bravo! I had wondered, but the art so mirrored life that it was impossible to be sure.

      Excellent performance.

  23. ttommyunger

    I'm guessing she wipes her ass forward and just leaves it at that. Prolly explains why Tawd spends so much time outdoors with the dogs.

  24. ElPinche

    I got nothing. I even plugged that thing into an excel spread sheet and the Microsoft Paperclip Man died of a brain aneurysm .

  25. revmatty

    Do Jr. High English teachers just stab themselves in the eyes every time they read a story that quotes her?

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