SEXY CONTESTS  12:45 pm February 15, 2012

Wonkette Art Contest: Win Bill Maher Tickets With Your Terrible Computer Picture

by Ken Layne

Do you have “Microsoft Paint” on your iPhone? Then you can be a prize-winning published artist! (Maybe.) Wonkette and 9:30 Club/IMP Promotions invite you to take part in our exciting “Make an image of Bill Maher wrestling the Pope” ticket giveaway.

One lucky winner will get two (2) tickets to see teevee’s Bill Maher at the Music Center at Strathmore in North Bethesda (that’s in Maryland, so you need to be in the D.C. metropolitan area) on April 1 at 7 p.m.

How will you portray this epic battle between two show-biz gentlemen? Perhaps on a pirate ship? Maybe in a salt mine? With robot and/or dildo proxies? Winning entry will be judged by the editors of, and the fine print is on this Contest Rules page.

SEND YOUR ENTRY to tips AT with the words SEXY BILL MAHER POPE CONTEST in the subject line. Good luck, and may God have mercy on your souls. DEADLINE for entries is Tuesday, February 21, at 12:00 noon Eastern time. Please send your terrible image as an attachment; try to keep the file size reasonably small, like your chances of winning.


Hola wonkerados.

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Come here a minute February 15, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Doesn't Maher have ACTUAL pictures of himself wrestling the pope, back in their Hitler Youth Camp days?

Barb February 15, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Sure, you do this and get show tickets. Anthony Wiener sends pictures of himself, "wrestling the Bishop" and he loses his job.

ChernobylSoup February 15, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I believe you've gotten quicker and wittier since surgery, if that was even possible. Best wishes.

Barb February 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Thank you!

ThundercatHo February 15, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I've restrained myself from making a really bad joke about having a hysterectomy and not being hysterical anymore. Mostly because my Mormon relatives asked me about this in all seriousness but they meant hysterical in the overly emotional sense. Hope that you are feeling better (resting, eating properly, drinking lots of fluids, and taking pain meds and stool softeners/laxatives/metamucil as needed). Just remember you are allowed to stay in your PJs or comfy sweatpants as long as necessary.

LagunaB February 15, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Actually using olive oil in your daily diet is better than stool softeners, etc.
And then there is the famous apple juice with lime juice and olive oil fast. But one needs to be relatively healthy to participate in that 3 day fast. The last day can be a bit of a challenge. Good for your liver!

Barb February 15, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Thanks for caring, ThundercatHo. I managed to take a bath tonight and that felt pretty good. Jeff just gave me painkillers and I am going to pass out soon.

Grief_Lessons February 15, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Careful, you don't want to suggest any relationship between posession of a uterus and slowness of wit.

And I echo your best wishes to Barb.

Barb February 15, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Thank, Grief_Lessons!

chicken_thief February 15, 2012 at 12:54 pm

If Maher would just dress up like an alter boy and trollop through the Vatican, we could film it live.

Steverino247 February 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm


Fuck it! We'll do it live!

BaldarTFlagass February 15, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Bonus if you show Unwanted Ecclesiastical Penetration.

Barb February 15, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Ugh, I have the snark in me and no iPhone. I need my bestie, Bill for this one.
Is there an alternate means of entry, please?

MissTaken February 15, 2012 at 1:34 pm

All other means of entry are unwanted.

Barb February 15, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I read the rules and it doesn't mention an iPhone. I may be able to figure this out after all.

KenLayIsAlive February 16, 2012 at 9:07 am

It's just not the Catholic Church if there aren't alternate means of entry, Barb.

OC_Surf_Serf February 15, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I don't haz iPhone…will a scanned polariod of an etch-a-sketch suffice?

paris biltong February 15, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Can I submit my rendition of Gustav Mahler fighting Sigmund Freud instead?

FlownOver February 15, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I tried to make an image for entry in your contest, but the result looked like a bunny committing unwanted vaginal penetration of a kitty. More appropriate for Virginia than Maryland.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Send it to Santorum. I'm sure he'll find a, ahem, use for it.

chascates February 15, 2012 at 1:13 pm
paris biltong February 15, 2012 at 1:13 pm

How about Jonathan Swift fighting Alexander Pope, then?

slowhansolo February 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Is it important for the viewer to be able to tell who is who?

BaldarTFlagass February 15, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Howzabout Galileo Galilei vs Pope Urban VIII? That was always one of my favorite grudge matches.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Santorum could referee!

SayItWithWookies February 15, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Hey Ken — serious question — are blingees allowed or do these have to be static images?

Ken Layne February 15, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Blingees are encouraged! All forms of "computer picture" are acceptable, just save it as a jpeg or a gif so we can post it on Wonkette. (Blingees are gifs.)

ifthethunderdontgetya February 15, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Would an animated .gif be considered?

I know someone who is already working on it…

Ken Layne February 15, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Yes, animated gifs are allowed by Catholicism.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 2:06 pm

If I could, I would enter. It would show Bill Maher pounding the Pope like he was an altar boy.

Mahousu February 15, 2012 at 4:38 pm

FYI, in Maryland, "North" is a specialized geographic term meaning "not as good as" or "where traffic gets stuck leaving." So, North Bethesda (aka Rockville) is where traffic gets stuck leaving Bethesda on 355; North Potomac (aka Gaithersburg) is where traffic gets stuck leaving Potomac on I-270; and so forth.

finallyhappy February 15, 2012 at 6:20 pm

YES! I remember a friend who moved from Silver Spring to "North Bethesda". I went to visit and realized I was in Rockville- what a crock. Of course, when we were looking for a house in DC many years ago- quite a few ads said Dupont Circle- I didn't realize that 12th street or Adams Morgan(not trendy back then!)could be Dupont Circle.

FakaktaSouth February 15, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I do wish I were closer to Bethesda than the Devil's asshole as things currently stand, but I DID hear Bill say he was coming to Aladamnbama on Real Time last week. St Patrick's Day in Huntsville, y'all! I want to go like a Baptist in a liquor store, just to see who the hell else is there. A whole auditorium filled with Maher fans in Alabama will be trippier than any hallucinogen I've done heretofore I am sure.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I think you should take hallucinogens before the show anyway, just in case.

FakaktaSouth February 15, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Mushroom tea sounds about right. For funsies. And plus, lotta pastures between me and Huntsville – AND they've got rockets and cool stuff to look at there just laying about the place. Hmmmm.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Go for it, girl. Hell, if it's mushroom tea, I could even come by and help y'all.

ttommyunger February 15, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I like Bill's Liberal views and his outspoken love of animals but he is an elitist (check out his attitude about who should be allowed to vote) who tends to attribute the lack of riotous laughter after his jokes to the absence of intelligence on the part of the audience; plus, he voted for Nader (thus throwing his vote away) and fucked Ann Coulter. Hard to get past all that. I would, however, like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth; I'd be a Gazillionaire.

FakaktaSouth February 15, 2012 at 11:18 pm

He's also not always the quickest on the uptake – there have been times that people have made jokes he didn't get, and with him having what you rightly describe as the "up his own assed-ness" it makes me wanna smack him a little harder for it.

ttommyunger February 16, 2012 at 8:52 am

Too bad everbody can't be perfek, like uss'ns. ;)

FakaktaSouth February 16, 2012 at 9:03 am

That's what I'M talkin' bout. But then, who would we be better than? Everybody's gotta have SOMEbody to lord over…

ttommyunger February 16, 2012 at 9:08 am

Not me (whimper). Even the dogs and the cat boss me around.

EatsBabyDingos February 16, 2012 at 10:44 am

Pope Before: (( )==>

Pope After: (( )=

__________ . . => __________

Barb February 15, 2012 at 9:01 pm

After losing massive amounts of blood in surgery and getting this cool 12 inch incision across my gut, I think I will stay away from the apple juice fast.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Good. I don't need my poor Barb, I mean LOLA, getting any *weaker.* (Hugs the Barb)

I sure do like hugging you, LOLA. You give good hug.

LagunaB February 16, 2012 at 7:36 am

BarbI would also suggest yogurt but not yoplait. Good yoghurt like Fage. It replaces in the intestine the bacteria that has been destroyed by the drugs given during and after surgery. Yoghurt is also easy to digest. Your whole intestinal track will love you.Sent from my iPhone

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