let freedom whine

Mormon Glenn Beck Converts America to Catholicism Because…Freedom

useless starchy lump

Baked potato-wielding beacon of strength and apparent modern-day Sisyphus Glenn Beck has gone symbolically Catholic, despite being a Mormon, in order to stand with freedom-loving Catholics over the contraception mandate that Obama is trying to affix to the health plans of companies affiliated with the Catholic Church. Amusingly, it looks like a great number of Actual Catholics actually support contraception mandates and/or the President, but nonetheless, the crazies are trying to get a freedom amendment attached to a bill that has to do with CARS! — what? This government is stupid — because it is the only way to get Obama to blindly sign on to freedom without realizing what he’s doing despite the fact that the entire media is now spilling the details of this brilliant top-secret strategy. Beck also stole his new mantra — “We are all Catholics now” — from another utterer of words, Mike Huckabee.

Beck’s poem against the “persecution of Catholics” (THINGS ARE SO HARD FOR CHRISTIANS) encourages his six supporters to get on the phone to their senators and tell them that they support a “Conscience Protection measure” being weaseled into a HIGHWAY bill by Roy Blunt, Republican from Missouri. Writes a Glenn Beck unpaid intern-slave:

According to the new healthcare laws that were a cornerstone of the Obama administration, employers affiliated with the Catholic Church will have to include free birth control in their health insurance plans, a mandate that runs contrary to both Catholic doctrine as well as religious freedoms granted by the Constitution.

So stand with your incense-shaking brethren in the Catholic Church and make a completely useless annoying call to the secretary of the secretary of the assistant of your senator, who is really a person in a call center in Sri Lanka. Beck says to recite the following script, more or less: “Hey, do you know how my person is voting on this? You don’t? Oh, fine. That’s OK. Can you call me back when you do? I AM CATHOLIC NOW. GOODBYE.” Very convincing.

4. When you call, be sure to tell them “We are all Catholics now”. This key phrase will let them know you are part of a larger, organized movement working in support of religious freedom.

Terrible job, intern. Commenters on the site have responded with equally useless rants and raves like “this is still a beginning” (?) Inspiring stuff. [Talking Points Memo]

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Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

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199 comments

    1. Negropolis

      Honestly, you have to be pretty twisted to convert to Mormonism from mainstream Christianity. I can see poor, agnostic schlubs that didn't grow up with either of the shit choices, but to go from one crazy book to adding another to it is pretty crazy.

      1. MittBorg

        First you get down on your knees
        Fiddle with your rosaries
        Bow your head with great respect and
        Genuflect, genuflect, genuflect

        You can do whatever steps if
        You first clear them with the Pontiff
        Everybody say his own Kyrie Eleison
        Doin' the Vatican Rag!

    1. ManchuCandidate

      50 years ago, the then equivalent of Beck would be ranting and raving about how no fucking preznit should take orders from the pope. One can look it as "progress" but I don't.

    2. GOPCrusher

      I have to imagine that Mike Huckabee received a phone call from the Southern Baptist Church that he attends about his "We are all Catholics now" comment.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Exactly, Manchu, I thought our Wonkete overlords would have used that creepy pic of Glenda with Ablow and the altar boy.

  1. Barb

    I'm not a Catholic, Glenn. I worship at St Mattress of the Springs. Go fuck yourself, sans contraceptive.

  2. Callyson

    I hope the first congressional staffer or intern who replies "No, actually I'm Jewish/agnostic/Muslim/whatever" gets a promotion.

  3. LabRodent

    Glenn Becks bat shittery style is so last Summer. Step up your wingnut game if want my attention Glenn.

  4. Maman

    I am a Catholic and if the rest of you are now symbolically Catholic, I will warn you to watch your kids. Those people can't be trusted with your kids.

  5. SorosBot

    So the GOP really is going all-in with their opposition to birth control. That should go over well with the 98% of American women who have used birth control at some point in their lives, and the resulting ~98% of American men who have benefited from that use.

    1. SoBeach

      Desperate times, man. They haven't gotten traction with anything else lately.

      They've already alienated the moderates in the party. Might as well piss off 90% of the republican women while they're at it.

      I think we're days away from seeing the republican establishment throw its hands up and say "Fine. You idiots do it your way. Go full retard, since you're so convinced you can win that way. See you in December."

  6. Sassomatic

    Glenn Beck just proxy-baptized your ass! But don't worry, it's Mardi Gras time. Go get your drink on and by Ash Wednesday no one will even be talking about this.

  7. WhatTheHeck

    Every time some crazy woman contravenes the conception process with some form of contraception, god takes away a gold coin from Glenn Beck.

  8. Baconzgood

    WOAH WOAH WOAH….WAIT JUST A FREAKIN SEC HERE LIZ!!!!!!!!! You are new here so you don't understand this yet. Let me tell ya somthing.
    (IN RED CAPS)
    DONT EVER PUT BACON AND GLENN BECK IN THE SAME POST!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks

    Baconzgood.

    Edit: Sorry that was "beacon" carry on.

  9. SoBeach

    It's funny watching the republicans desperately try to turn this contraception thing into an issue.

    Nothing motivates voters more than re-enacting battles fought fifty years ago.

    Next up maybe they can re-fight the Civil Rights Act. That'll win 'em tons of votes in November.

  10. subsum

    Is Glenn Beck still around? I thought Fox put it in storage when they shut it down and detached its battery pack.

  11. mavenmaven

    Christine O'Donnell, its your time to return! Abortion, condoms, now we need to get back to Catholic laws against masturbation!

    1. mayor_quimby

      I think Christine is pretty into ringing her own fur-bell, isn't she? Something about maintaining purity or some shit.

  12. weej_bain

    Oh please, oh please let this be as Andrew Sullivan said –
    the hill the Catholic hierarchy and evangelical right want to fight and die on, they will lose—and lose badly.

    Can you say overreach?

    1. SolitaireRose

      And vice versa. Of course, we all know the only TRUE church is whatever denomination Homer Simpson goes to.

  13. cheaphits

    Roy Blount was Tea Party before Tea Party was cool (as thought it ever has been or will be)….he is dumb as a rock and probably looks up to Beck…you have to be VERY low to look up to Glenn Beck!

  14. SorosBot

    If we are all Catholics now, does that mean we're all members of a religion with ridiculous dogma that hates sex, women and gay people which we just completely ignore, because it's stupid?

      1. SorosBot

        Well not quite empty – you've got the human flesh (that just happens to look and taste like a cracker) for some nourishment.

  15. flamingpdog

    Just as long as I can still have unprotected sex under the highway bridges where I hang out, I'm OK.

  16. DaRooster

    If they want to not offer contraception all they need to do is not expect to receive payments from the government… easy as pie.

  17. Baconzgood

    I'm a real Catholic. Which means I go to church 2 times a year (Christmas and that other one) and I like women fucking and not getting preggers. Hell, Mary (who's a heavy hitter in the Catholic Church) got fucked by God. Slut!

    (I'm going to hell for that snark)

      1. MissTaken

        I'd fuck God, too. At least then I'm guaranteed to not say the wrong name instead of just relying on "oh God" as per usual.

        1. SorosBot

          But which one? Personally I'd go for Aphrodite; I mean she is the goddess of sex, she's got to be great. Though that is probably the most common choice by far for straight men; the straight women are probably more varied in their desires.

    1. Maman

      Don't sweat it.. There is plenty of polygamy in the bible.

      We are all Mormons because one of our relatives started a family tree online that got us all baptized.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm not sure, but I bet if Glenn Beck was being raped by a priest, he would be happy if they used a condom paid for by the church.

  19. Lascauxcaveman

    the crazies are trying to get a freedom amendment attached to a bill that has to do with CARS!

    Catholics/cars:

    A priest and a rabbi, whose houses of worship were across the street from each other, decided to buy a car together, since neither of them drove much and sharing the expense of a car made sense. The first day home from the dealership. the rabbi looked out the window, only to see the priest out there on the street, washing the perfectly clean new car. The rabbi hollered over: "What for you washing a perfectly clean car, Father?"

    "Not washing, baptizing!" the priest called back.

    The rabbi ran to his tool box and the priest soon saw him bending down by the tailpipe, with a hacksaw in his hand.

    "What on earth are you doing? asked the priest.

    "Well, if it's your job to baptize, it's mine to perform the bris."

  20. a_pink_poodle

    To think, 100 years ago, we would do anything to piss off the Catholics to keep them from making America into a papal state.

  21. Indiepalin

    Where I grew up, we Catholics thrived on Genesee Beer and fart jokes. I just don't see Beck getting into the spirit of things.

  22. flamingpdog

    runs contrary to both Catholic doctrine as well as religious freedoms granted by the Constitution

    Thank Yahweh, now I can finally drag my insolent sons out to the edge of Denver and have them stoned to death for all those years of mouthing off to me. Take that, stupid Colorado anti-homicide laws!!1!

  23. BarackMyWorld

    The way the wingnuts tell it, you'd think Obama was telling the church it had to pass out RU-486 pills during communion.

    1. flamingpdog

      A senior Vatican official familiar with the newspaper's editorial line, asked if that part of the editorial which referred to wolves was criticizing those who have leaked the documents, said "even them" and added: "They certainly are not boy scouts."

      If they were Boy Scouts at the Vatican, the only thing they'd be leaking is santorum.

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    As a member of the Church of Sammy Hagar, I can't drive 55. I expect Congress to pass a bill protecting my freedom of conscience to drive at any speed I feel like when I am on the Nations roads.

    Where is Glenn on this issue? Or does he only support churches that engage in ass play with children?

  25. imissopus

    This will be a great relief to my parents, who have sometimes wondered how my Jewish brother and his Catholic wife will raise their children. Problem solved, Mom and Dad!

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic, y'know. We didn't know which religion not to bring the children up in.

      –Woody Allen

  26. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Just to put a fine point on this stupid argument: While no church should be required to do something against its beliefs, when it enters and acts just like a private person or business, it must play by the same rules as a private person or business.

    In other words, If the Catholic Church does not want to hire teh ghayez or Jews or blacks or whatever, fine. However, a Catholic Hospital or Notre Dame does not have that right. Nor do they have the right to force a Jewish Doctor or Student to attend Mass on Sunday or eat fish on Fridays. They get to play by the same rules as everyone else.

    Of course, the point of this whole argument by the right is that they want to get rid of discrimination laws of all sorts. It is hard enough to keep uppity blacks, ghayez, women, Mexicans, educated people, etc. in their place when they have a right to sue you and the government can make you treat them almost as if they are normal white people like you and me.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Hmm, wonder what's on my ancestors' planets? Shotgun shacks, gunfights, duels, stolen horses & other livestock, knives, daggers, moth eaten wool cloaks, taxes unpaid, & 14 yr old brides?

  27. meatlofer

    Well? If i'm in fact Catholic? Next weeks Fat Tuesday,and I'm gonna party like there is no fuckin tomorrow.

  28. SayItWithWookies

    This is the same bunch of people that wants to keep us from making any decisions based on Sharia law, right? I guess that's why Glenn isn't yelling "We are all Muslims now" in response to this horrible provision that — um — is already required in 28 states and that the nation's biggest Catholic universities already follow.

  29. Tundra Grifter

    Has anyone else read about Mormons using "proxy baptism" on deceased members of the Jewish faith? Apparently they've been asked to stop doing it, they've promised to do stop doing it, and they keep doing it.

    I find that just so wrong on many levels…

    1. ItsMrTheOwl2You

      How are they getting to the dead Jewish people? This is just creepy. Are they sneaking into mortuaries at night?

    2. Biff

      Not just Jews, but everybody else, too. Since Mormonism didn't exist until the 1840's, they wanted to be able to hang out in the afterlife with their dead relatives, so voila, let's dig 'em up and baptize their bones! With converts from all over the world now, they figure soon enough everyone will be a dead Mormon, so let's get busy.

    3. Loaded_Pants

      The weirdest fucking bit about it is the LDS say that the soul doesn't have to accept the posthumous baptism.
      And I thought speaking in tongues & handling copperheads was fuckin' strange.

  30. PhilippePetain

    Here is the awesomest thing from the Beck site:

    RubenCLeon
    Obama can't lose…
    #1 He has 14 of the 15 News networks in his pocket,
    #2 He'll get a majority of the votes from nearly 50% of the population that pay no Federal income tax,
    #3 He'll get a majority of the votes from the 20% of the voters who strongly believe the Progressive mantra that class warfare is the road to victory,
    #4 He'll get a majority of the votes from the 30% of the voters who are Anti-Republicans,
    #5 He'll get a majority of the votes from the 18% of the voters who are black,
    #6 He'll get a majority of the votes from the 15% who are Hispanic,
    #7 He'll get a majority of the votes from Federal employees,
    #8 He'll get a majority of the votes from Union members,
    #9 He'll get a majority of the votes from the environmentalists
    #10 He'll get a majority of the votes from the gays.
    #11 He'll get a majority of the votes from atheists
    #12 He'll get a majority of the votes from the Anti-Pro Life mob
    #14 He'll get a majority of the votes from Academia
    #15 He has Big Money behind him like Bill Gates & Warren Buffet & most of Hollywood

    So hang on to your hats, boys and girls, and enjoy the roller-coaster ride because you are now living in the People's Republic of America.

    4 hours ago in reply to Angie Menza 1 Like

    And the awesome response?

    Reason Able

    Obama can lose, here is why:

    GOD

    2 hours ago in reply to RubenCLeon 12 Likes

    1. Generation[redacted]

      1) GOD doesn't have a state-issued voter ID card.
      2) Obama still doesn't have the white supremecist vote (though maybe he's working on it, as the last remaining demographic)

    2. Loaded_Pants

      Well, you can't argue with iron clad logic like that. I mean, you could try but who wants their brains to start leaking out of their ears?

  31. Tommmcattt

    What's the difference between a mormon and a catholic?

    You pull the temple garment up and over an altarboy's head, not down and off like you do with your junior-high wife. Otherwise the theology is pretty much the same.

  32. ItsMrTheOwl2You

    "We're all Catholics now."

    No, Beckers, we're not. I was Catholic, and I'm the youngest of 12. Me and my lady-bits ran from that bullshit as fast we could years ago!

  33. Guppy

    In honor Beck's honorary Catholicism, I'd like to read some passages from the Book of Mormon, specifically 1 Nephi 13:

    5 And the angel said unto me: Behold the formation of a church which is most abominable above all other churches, which slayeth the saints of God, yea, and tortureth them and bindeth them down, and yoketh them with a yoke of iron, and bringeth them down into captivity.

    6 And it came to pass that I beheld this great and abominable church; and I saw the devil that he was the founder of it.

    7 And I also saw gold, and silver, and silks, and scarlets, and fine-twined linen, and all manner of precious clothing; and I saw many harlots.

    8 And the angel spake unto me, saying: Behold the gold, and the silver, and the silks, and the scarlets, and the fine-twined linen, and the precious clothing, and the harlots, are the desires of this great and abominable church."

    Burn in Mormon Hell, Glenn!

    1. Loaded_Pants

      He's just covering as many bases as possible. Y'know, just in case. One of them has the right one, right?

  34. SorosBot

    What if a business was run by a Jehovah's Witness; would they be able to offer health insurance that won't cover blood transfusions?

  35. chascates

    And get back to building those cathedrals if you don't want to spend eternity in purgatory*.

    *Indulgences also available at various price levels.

  36. Abernathy

    I hope this means the Obama campaign will make Loretta Lynn's "The Pill" a campaign song. That would make me hopey.

  37. Catabite

    Fuck, I'm Catholic? Nobody told me Catholics could do secret baptisms like the Mormons! Shit, I ate meat last Friday, too- wait, is that still bad? Do I have to pretend to hate dick now? I don't really know a lot about this whole Catholicism schtick, I was raised Protestant- do you guys still do indulgences? Because I'm gonna need a whole lot of those.

    1. SorosBot

      Here's the basic rule: whatever you do, you can get forgiven, but you have to follow the rules. After sinning, go to the confession booth and tell the priest about the bad things you did; he will giver you a penance to perform, which normally involves reciting the rosary so many times. That's a Hail Mary for each of the large main beads, the Our Father for the smaller divider beads, and a Glory Be to the Father for the single crucifix at the end. Once you've recited the prescribed number of rosaries, god forgives you, because of magic. And that's what it means to be a Catholic.

  38. fuflans

    speaking as a fallen member of C of E, my interest in catholicism ends with the borgias.

    and by 'borgias' i mean the jeremy irons version.

  39. Negropolis

    Wait, they are going to ride this on the Transportation bill, right? You know, the shitty one that cuts all funding to mass transit. Yeah, this will totally go unnoticed.

  40. LiveToServeYa

    Today, we are all crypto-Mormons being crypto-Catholics. It's just a good thing nobody found out that we're crypto-humans, too.

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