let freedom whine

Mormon Glenn Beck Converts America to Catholicism Because…Freedom

useless starchy lump

Baked potato-wielding beacon of strength and apparent modern-day Sisyphus Glenn Beck has gone symbolically Catholic, despite being a Mormon, in order to stand with freedom-loving Catholics over the contraception mandate that Obama is trying to affix to the health plans of companies affiliated with the Catholic Church. Amusingly, it looks like a great number of Actual Catholics actually support contraception mandates and/or the President, but nonetheless, the crazies are trying to get a freedom amendment attached to a bill that has to do with CARS! — what? This government is stupid — because it is the only way to get Obama to blindly sign on to freedom without realizing what he’s doing despite the fact that the entire media is now spilling the details of this brilliant top-secret strategy. Beck also stole his new mantra — “We are all Catholics now” — from another utterer of words, Mike Huckabee.

Beck’s poem against the “persecution of Catholics” (THINGS ARE SO HARD FOR CHRISTIANS) encourages his six supporters to get on the phone to their senators and tell them that they support a “Conscience Protection measure” being weaseled into a HIGHWAY bill by Roy Blunt, Republican from Missouri. Writes a Glenn Beck unpaid intern-slave:

According to the new healthcare laws that were a cornerstone of the Obama administration, employers affiliated with the Catholic Church will have to include free birth control in their health insurance plans, a mandate that runs contrary to both Catholic doctrine as well as religious freedoms granted by the Constitution.

So stand with your incense-shaking brethren in the Catholic Church and make a completely useless annoying call to the secretary of the secretary of the assistant of your senator, who is really a person in a call center in Sri Lanka. Beck says to recite the following script, more or less: “Hey, do you know how my person is voting on this? You don’t? Oh, fine. That’s OK. Can you call me back when you do? I AM CATHOLIC NOW. GOODBYE.” Very convincing.

4. When you call, be sure to tell them “We are all Catholics now”. This key phrase will let them know you are part of a larger, organized movement working in support of religious freedom.

Terrible job, intern. Commenters on the site have responded with equally useless rants and raves like “this is still a beginning” (?) Inspiring stuff. [Talking Points Memo]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    So is it okay to persecute Mormons again?

  • nounverb911

    So Beck is for Catholic Jeebus after being for Mormon Jeebus after being for Jeebusy Jeebus?

    • Mahousu

      He's still trying to find one that will put up with him. No luck so far.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It probably says something positive about religion that none of them want Glenn Beck.

    • Negropolis

      Honestly, you have to be pretty twisted to convert to Mormonism from mainstream Christianity. I can see poor, agnostic schlubs that didn't grow up with either of the shit choices, but to go from one crazy book to adding another to it is pretty crazy.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        The Mormon costumes seem less ghey to him.

  • tihond

    Only the missionary position can bring Obama to his knees.

    • Abernathy

      Or Melissa Clouthier; she'll have us all bending at the knee soon enough.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        First you get down on your knees
        Fiddle with your rosaries
        Bow your head with great respect and
        Genuflect, genuflect, genuflect

        You can do whatever steps if
        You first clear them with the Pontiff
        Everybody say his own Kyrie Eleison
        Doin' the Vatican Rag!

  • http://www.burndownblog.com evan7257

    So protestants are abandoning their personal relationship with Christ as part of a political stunt?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      50 years ago, the then equivalent of Beck would be ranting and raving about how no fucking preznit should take orders from the pope. One can look it as "progress" but I don't.

      • Biff

        This guy? Joe Pyne?

      • ItsMrTheOwl2You

        Those damn Papists never know where their place is.

    • GOPCrusher

      I have to imagine that Mike Huckabee received a phone call from the Southern Baptist Church that he attends about his "We are all Catholics now" comment.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

  • OkieDokieDog

    hmmmm… I thought about it, and nope, I'm still not a Catholic.

  • IncenseDebate

    Another sheep wanders from the Church of Moron?

    • flamingpdog

      He'll be back. He's still got dibs on ruling the Bizarro planet after he dies.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Heh. They all do.

        They're Mormons, after all.

  • nounverb911

    But in the meantime, Jeebus is still has two daddies?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Just like Beck to side with pederasts who have a thing for altar boys.

    • Radiotherapy

      Exactly, Manchu, I thought our Wonkete overlords would have used that creepy pic of Glenda with Ablow and the altar boy.

  • Barb

    I'm not a Catholic, Glenn. I worship at St Mattress of the Springs. Go fuck yourself, sans contraceptive.

    • flamingpdog

      Oh God, oh God!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      wonketty-wonketty-wonketty-wonk….

    • ItsMrTheOwl2You

      Good Gawd, Woman!! No! It might spawn then!

    • Boojum_Reborn

      May I join you in prayer?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Take a number and get in line.

  • Lucidamente1

    We are all wingnuts now.

  • Callyson

    I hope the first congressional staffer or intern who replies "No, actually I'm Jewish/agnostic/Muslim/whatever" gets a promotion.

  • LabRodent

    Glenn Becks bat shittery style is so last Summer. Step up your wingnut game if want my attention Glenn.

  • FraAnima

    Domine, domine, domine; you're all Catholics now. Where's the gold?

    • HarryButtle

      Oh, my White Brother…

      • FraAnima

        Got any peyote?

  • Lucidamente1

    Looks like someone is ready to join the Catholic clergy:

    http://a57.foxnews.com/static/managed/img/Health/

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I am a Catholic and if the rest of you are now symbolically Catholic, I will warn you to watch your kids. Those people can't be trusted with your kids.

    • DoktorThompson

      Now that I, too, am symbolically Catholic, is OK if I… ah… watch your kids?

      • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

        um no. I have already been betrayed by a priest and blackmailed by a nun. I am not as gullible as the rest. Find a fresh Catholic.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Watch them doing *what,* exactly?

  • SorosBot

    So the GOP really is going all-in with their opposition to birth control. That should go over well with the 98% of American women who have used birth control at some point in their lives, and the resulting ~98% of American men who have benefited from that use.

    • SoBeach

      Desperate times, man. They haven't gotten traction with anything else lately.

      They've already alienated the moderates in the party. Might as well piss off 90% of the republican women while they're at it.

      I think we're days away from seeing the republican establishment throw its hands up and say "Fine. You idiots do it your way. Go full retard, since you're so convinced you can win that way. See you in December."

      • Loaded_Pants

        The GOP is now Tugg Speedman.

  • Sassomatic

    Glenn Beck just proxy-baptized your ass! But don't worry, it's Mardi Gras time. Go get your drink on and by Ash Wednesday no one will even be talking about this.

  • Beetagger

    Looks like someone's getting to big for his Jesus Jammies.

  • MissTaken

    Nothing screams sexy time like an altar boy in magical underwear!

    • SorosBot

      Let's all remember the cover to that one book of Beck's:
      http://www.mediaite.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/0

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Or out of his magical underwear, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

      • Biff

        Gross!

  • gullywompr

    Who?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    who?

    • Baconzgood

      I hear an owl?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Yoo hoo! Who you?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I thought that said bacon of strength.

    • FraAnima

      Mmmmmm – potatoes with bacon. And sour cream.

    • HistoriCat

      Bacon libel!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        BaconZGOOD libel.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Every time some crazy woman contravenes the conception process with some form of contraception, god takes away a gold coin from Glenn Beck.

    • Abernathy

      Good thing for him those "gold" coins aren't worth a damn.

  • Baconzgood

    WOAH WOAH WOAH….WAIT JUST A FREAKIN SEC HERE LIZ!!!!!!!!! You are new here so you don't understand this yet. Let me tell ya somthing.
    (IN RED CAPS)
    DONT EVER PUT BACON AND GLENN BECK IN THE SAME POST!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks

    Baconzgood.

    Edit: Sorry that was "beacon" carry on.

  • Radiotherapy

    Now he can finally confess to the rape and murder of that girl in 1990.

    • widestanceshakedown

      And be instantly forgiven!

      • ItsMrTheOwl2You

        And then be shuttled from church to church so no one will ever know!

    • Negropolis

      WIN!

  • SoBeach

    It's funny watching the republicans desperately try to turn this contraception thing into an issue.

    Nothing motivates voters more than re-enacting battles fought fifty years ago.

    Next up maybe they can re-fight the Civil Rights Act. That'll win 'em tons of votes in November.

    • FNMA

      What do you mean "next up"?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Rly.

    • Negropolis

      Well, hell; they are already dismantling the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

  • subsum

    Is Glenn Beck still around? I thought Fox put it in storage when they shut it down and detached its battery pack.

  • Serolf_Divad

    We are all rapists of altar boys now!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Uh … speak for yourself, fella. Solidarity in all things and whatever, but this is where I draw the line.

  • Not_So_Much

    If we're all Catholics now, does that mean I have to start raping altar boys?

    • ItsMrTheOwl2You

      Just don't rape them TOO much.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I think that only happens if they have teh ladyparts.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      If you want your Church Card punched. Not so much the rape if you don't also want your clock cleaned as well, though. Too.

  • mavenmaven

    Christine O'Donnell, its your time to return! Abortion, condoms, now we need to get back to Catholic laws against masturbation!

    • mayor_quimby

      I think Christine is pretty into ringing her own fur-bell, isn't she? Something about maintaining purity or some shit.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Not according to her neighbours! They say Ol' Puddin' Cup Teh Christian Rocker has been ringin' that bell *repeatedly* of late.

  • Lucidamente1

    Needs moar blackboard and picture of Margaret Sanger.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Highway to Heaven bill

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Oh please, oh please let this be as Andrew Sullivan said –
    the hill the Catholic hierarchy and evangelical right want to fight and die on, they will lose—and lose badly.

    Can you say overreach?

  • littlebigdaddy

    Needz moar exorcisms.

    • HistoriCat

      So now Jindal's going to get involved in this?

  • Schmannnity

    Amusing considering that most Mormons think the Catholic church is satanic.

    • GOPCrusher

      And so do most Evangelicals. But then they think Mormons are Satan worshippers too.

    • Slim_Pickins

      Hey, its End Times — you can't be too choosy about who your co-religonist are.

    • SolitaireRose

      And vice versa. Of course, we all know the only TRUE church is whatever denomination Homer Simpson goes to.

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

    Roy Blount was Tea Party before Tea Party was cool (as thought it ever has been or will be)….he is dumb as a rock and probably looks up to Beck…you have to be VERY low to look up to Glenn Beck!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      is this the same Roy Blount?
      http://www.royblountjr.com/

      • HistoriCat

        No – and he will thank you for not ever conflating the two of them ever again.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Thank god…I would hate to stop listening to Wait, wait…don't tell me.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Indeed. The book of southern humor he edited was excellent. I read the hell out of that thing.

  • SorosBot

    If we are all Catholics now, does that mean we're all members of a religion with ridiculous dogma that hates sex, women and gay people which we just completely ignore, because it's stupid?

    • ItsMrTheOwl2You

      Yes, but there's wine at 9:00 a.m.! And on an empty stomach too.

      • SorosBot

        Well not quite empty – you've got the human flesh (that just happens to look and taste like a cracker) for some nourishment.

        • flamingpdog

          I've known a lot of crackers with human flesh. That's why I moved west.

  • flamingpdog

    Just as long as I can still have unprotected sex under the highway bridges where I hang out, I'm OK.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      That or in your white van…you're good to go.

  • DaRooster

    If they want to not offer contraception all they need to do is not expect to receive payments from the government… easy as pie.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Beck’s poem

    Which is his name for mealymouthed crapitudes squeezed out during his morning constidouche-ional.

  • Baconzgood

    I'm a real Catholic. Which means I go to church 2 times a year (Christmas and that other one) and I like women fucking and not getting preggers. Hell, Mary (who's a heavy hitter in the Catholic Church) got fucked by God. Slut!

    (I'm going to hell for that snark)

    • flamingpdog

      I hear they have bacon in Vegan Hell, so you might want to work on that angle.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      So long as you don't give them money. Then you'd be an idiot as well as a hypocrite.

      • Baconzgood

        That pope mobile don't put gas in itself.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      But Mary got a choice. The rest of us didn't. Like it was my fault that I was not the Immaculate Conception.

      • Negropolis

        She had a choice? Really?

        • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

          "And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word. "

          • Negropolis

            That sounds more like acceptance than an active choice, to me. Always has.

    • HistoriCat

      Mary got fucked by God

      In her defense, God can be a real smooth talker.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Plus, have you seen the size of his cock?

      • MissTaken

        I'd fuck God, too. At least then I'm guaranteed to not say the wrong name instead of just relying on "oh God" as per usual.

        • SorosBot

          But which one? Personally I'd go for Aphrodite; I mean she is the goddess of sex, she's got to be great. Though that is probably the most common choice by far for straight men; the straight women are probably more varied in their desires.

          • MissTaken

            Zeus (or Jupiter if you're one of those Eye-talians). If you gonna go god, go big.

          • Baconzgood

            Venus? She was the goddess for every kind of love. Including unrequited.

          • SorosBot

            Yeah, that's Aphrodite; Venus was her Roman name, same goddess.

      • Loaded_Pants

        It was that deep bass voice of his:
        "Heyyy, girl…you're sure lookin' fine in that blue…"

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      (Christmas and that other one)

      Bingo night?

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Laws against polygamy are also an assault on religious freedom. We're all Mormons now!

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Don't sweat it.. There is plenty of polygamy in the bible.

      We are all Mormons because one of our relatives started a family tree online that got us all baptized.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Sounds like Santorum's quest for possible VP's is over.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm not sure, but I bet if Glenn Beck was being raped by a priest, he would be happy if they used a condom paid for by the church.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    the crazies are trying to get a freedom amendment attached to a bill that has to do with CARS!

    Catholics/cars:

    A priest and a rabbi, whose houses of worship were across the street from each other, decided to buy a car together, since neither of them drove much and sharing the expense of a car made sense. The first day home from the dealership. the rabbi looked out the window, only to see the priest out there on the street, washing the perfectly clean new car. The rabbi hollered over: "What for you washing a perfectly clean car, Father?"

    "Not washing, baptizing!" the priest called back.

    The rabbi ran to his tool box and the priest soon saw him bending down by the tailpipe, with a hacksaw in his hand.

    "What on earth are you doing? asked the priest.

    "Well, if it's your job to baptize, it's mine to perform the bris."

  • a_pink_poodle

    To think, 100 years ago, we would do anything to piss off the Catholics to keep them from making America into a papal state.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else declared everyone Catholics?

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Not-Henry VIII?

    • BarackMyWorld

      The Spanish Inquisition?

    • flamingpdog

      Christopher Columbus?

    • HistoriCat
    • ItsMrTheOwl2You

      Constantine?

    • GOPCrusher

      Tomas Torquemada?

    • doloras

      Hernán Cortez.

    • Negropolis

      Mary, Queen of Scots?

  • Indiepalin

    Where I grew up, we Catholics thrived on Genesee Beer and fart jokes. I just don't see Beck getting into the spirit of things.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Where were you getting Genesee Beer? Was it the Genny Cream Ale? My mother's favorite?

      • Indiepalin

        Behind the Loblaws in Lancaster.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Transubstantiation is icky.

  • flamingpdog

    runs contrary to both Catholic doctrine as well as religious freedoms granted by the Constitution

    Thank Yahweh, now I can finally drag my insolent sons out to the edge of Denver and have them stoned to death for all those years of mouthing off to me. Take that, stupid Colorado anti-homicide laws!!1!

  • VinnyThePooh

    You say you're a Catholic, Beckerhead? Show your allegiance – bend over.

  • BarackMyWorld

    The way the wingnuts tell it, you'd think Obama was telling the church it had to pass out RU-486 pills during communion.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Or perform abortions right on the altar.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    We're all… Uh-oh: Vatileaks!

    • flamingpdog

      A senior Vatican official familiar with the newspaper's editorial line, asked if that part of the editorial which referred to wolves was criticizing those who have leaked the documents, said "even them" and added: "They certainly are not boy scouts."

      If they were Boy Scouts at the Vatican, the only thing they'd be leaking is santorum.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    As a member of the Church of Sammy Hagar, I can't drive 55. I expect Congress to pass a bill protecting my freedom of conscience to drive at any speed I feel like when I am on the Nations roads.

    Where is Glenn on this issue? Or does he only support churches that engage in ass play with children?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    This will be a great relief to my parents, who have sometimes wondered how my Jewish brother and his Catholic wife will raise their children. Problem solved, Mom and Dad!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic, y'know. We didn't know which religion not to bring the children up in.

      –Woody Allen

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I was unaware that Jesus sold health insurance

  • Slim_Pickins

    My grandmother was right, the Papists will ruin America.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Just to put a fine point on this stupid argument: While no church should be required to do something against its beliefs, when it enters and acts just like a private person or business, it must play by the same rules as a private person or business.

    In other words, If the Catholic Church does not want to hire teh ghayez or Jews or blacks or whatever, fine. However, a Catholic Hospital or Notre Dame does not have that right. Nor do they have the right to force a Jewish Doctor or Student to attend Mass on Sunday or eat fish on Fridays. They get to play by the same rules as everyone else.

    Of course, the point of this whole argument by the right is that they want to get rid of discrimination laws of all sorts. It is hard enough to keep uppity blacks, ghayez, women, Mexicans, educated people, etc. in their place when they have a right to sue you and the government can make you treat them almost as if they are normal white people like you and me.

    • flamingpdog

      normal white people like you and me

      Honky Wonkyteers LIBEL!!!1!

      • Guppy

        What about white Hispanics?

  • north_of_moscow

    Everyone's a Catholic until the Mormons posthumously baptize you. Then you get a planet!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Hmm, wonder what's on my ancestors' planets? Shotgun shacks, gunfights, duels, stolen horses & other livestock, knives, daggers, moth eaten wool cloaks, taxes unpaid, & 14 yr old brides?

  • meatlofer

    Well? If i'm in fact Catholic? Next weeks Fat Tuesday,and I'm gonna party like there is no fuckin tomorrow.

  • owhatever

    When they came for Glenn Beck, I said nothing. Actually, I was glad they finally took him.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I said, "Yay!"

    • ItsMrTheOwl2You

      I was holding the duct tape and cuffs.

  • CapnFatback

    “We are all Catholics now”.

    No thanks. I was Catholic then. But I got better.

  • Generation[redacted]

    "We are all Catholic now."

    Shit, when did the GOP house pass THAT law?

  • SayItWithWookies

    This is the same bunch of people that wants to keep us from making any decisions based on Sharia law, right? I guess that's why Glenn isn't yelling "We are all Muslims now" in response to this horrible provision that — um — is already required in 28 states and that the nation's biggest Catholic universities already follow.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Has anyone else read about Mormons using "proxy baptism" on deceased members of the Jewish faith? Apparently they've been asked to stop doing it, they've promised to do stop doing it, and they keep doing it.

    I find that just so wrong on many levels…

    • ItsMrTheOwl2You

      How are they getting to the dead Jewish people? This is just creepy. Are they sneaking into mortuaries at night?

    • Biff

      Not just Jews, but everybody else, too. Since Mormonism didn't exist until the 1840's, they wanted to be able to hang out in the afterlife with their dead relatives, so voila, let's dig 'em up and baptize their bones! With converts from all over the world now, they figure soon enough everyone will be a dead Mormon, so let's get busy.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Snarked on here extensively.

    • Loaded_Pants

      The weirdest fucking bit about it is the LDS say that the soul doesn't have to accept the posthumous baptism.
      And I thought speaking in tongues & handling copperheads was fuckin' strange.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug
  • PhilippePetain

    Here is the awesomest thing from the Beck site:

    RubenCLeon
    Obama can't lose…
    #1 He has 14 of the 15 News networks in his pocket,
    #2 He'll get a majority of the votes from nearly 50% of the population that pay no Federal income tax,
    #3 He'll get a majority of the votes from the 20% of the voters who strongly believe the Progressive mantra that class warfare is the road to victory,
    #4 He'll get a majority of the votes from the 30% of the voters who are Anti-Republicans,
    #5 He'll get a majority of the votes from the 18% of the voters who are black,
    #6 He'll get a majority of the votes from the 15% who are Hispanic,
    #7 He'll get a majority of the votes from Federal employees,
    #8 He'll get a majority of the votes from Union members,
    #9 He'll get a majority of the votes from the environmentalists
    #10 He'll get a majority of the votes from the gays.
    #11 He'll get a majority of the votes from atheists
    #12 He'll get a majority of the votes from the Anti-Pro Life mob
    #14 He'll get a majority of the votes from Academia
    #15 He has Big Money behind him like Bill Gates & Warren Buffet & most of Hollywood

    So hang on to your hats, boys and girls, and enjoy the roller-coaster ride because you are now living in the People's Republic of America.

    4 hours ago in reply to Angie Menza 1 Like

    And the awesome response?

    Reason Able

    Obama can lose, here is why:

    GOD

    2 hours ago in reply to RubenCLeon 12 Likes

    • Generation[redacted]

      1) GOD doesn't have a state-issued voter ID card.
      2) Obama still doesn't have the white supremecist vote (though maybe he's working on it, as the last remaining demographic)

    • GOPCrusher

      With logic like that, I think I would be booking passage on the next ship to Somalia.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Well, you can't argue with iron clad logic like that. I mean, you could try but who wants their brains to start leaking out of their ears?

  • Tommmcattt

    What's the difference between a mormon and a catholic?

    You pull the temple garment up and over an altarboy's head, not down and off like you do with your junior-high wife. Otherwise the theology is pretty much the same.

  • ItsMrTheOwl2You

    "We're all Catholics now."

    No, Beckers, we're not. I was Catholic, and I'm the youngest of 12. Me and my lady-bits ran from that bullshit as fast we could years ago!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Well, thank goodness you remembered to take your lady-bits with you.

      • ItsMrTheOwl2You

        You'd be surprised how many nuns just go around collecting lady-bits. Sad, sick Church.

    • Guppy

      To paraphrase Spaceballs, "How many lapsed Catholics we got on this site?"

  • Nostrildamus

    Nothing say religious freedom like everyone being Catholic.

  • Guppy

    In honor Beck's honorary Catholicism, I'd like to read some passages from the Book of Mormon, specifically 1 Nephi 13:

    5 And the angel said unto me: Behold the formation of a church which is most abominable above all other churches, which slayeth the saints of God, yea, and tortureth them and bindeth them down, and yoketh them with a yoke of iron, and bringeth them down into captivity.

    6 And it came to pass that I beheld this great and abominable church; and I saw the devil that he was the founder of it.

    7 And I also saw gold, and silver, and silks, and scarlets, and fine-twined linen, and all manner of precious clothing; and I saw many harlots.

    8 And the angel spake unto me, saying: Behold the gold, and the silver, and the silks, and the scarlets, and the fine-twined linen, and the precious clothing, and the harlots, are the desires of this great and abominable church."

    Burn in Mormon Hell, Glenn!

  • Biff

    So I guess it goes without saying that Gle2n is paying tithes to both churches now?

    • Loaded_Pants

      He's just covering as many bases as possible. Y'know, just in case. One of them has the right one, right?

  • SorosBot

    What if a business was run by a Jehovah's Witness; would they be able to offer health insurance that won't cover blood transfusions?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      How about a business run by Christian Scientists? No doubt they refuse to pay for any health insurance.

  • chascates

    And get back to building those cathedrals if you don't want to spend eternity in purgatory*.

    *Indulgences also available at various price levels.

  • BarackMyWorld
  • Abernathy

    I hope this means the Obama campaign will make Loretta Lynn's "The Pill" a campaign song. That would make me hopey.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Now that Michele has turned down the gig, will Glenn be on dancing with the stars?

  • ttommyunger

    A Mormon, a Catholic and an Idiot walk into a bar; which one is Glenn Beck? All of them, Katie.

  • Catabite

    Fuck, I'm Catholic? Nobody told me Catholics could do secret baptisms like the Mormons! Shit, I ate meat last Friday, too- wait, is that still bad? Do I have to pretend to hate dick now? I don't really know a lot about this whole Catholicism schtick, I was raised Protestant- do you guys still do indulgences? Because I'm gonna need a whole lot of those.

    • SorosBot

      Here's the basic rule: whatever you do, you can get forgiven, but you have to follow the rules. After sinning, go to the confession booth and tell the priest about the bad things you did; he will giver you a penance to perform, which normally involves reciting the rosary so many times. That's a Hail Mary for each of the large main beads, the Our Father for the smaller divider beads, and a Glory Be to the Father for the single crucifix at the end. Once you've recited the prescribed number of rosaries, god forgives you, because of magic. And that's what it means to be a Catholic.

      • flamingpdog

        Soundz fish-y to me.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          It sounded great to Newt Gingrich.

  • fuflans

    speaking as a fallen member of C of E, my interest in catholicism ends with the borgias.

    and by 'borgias' i mean the jeremy irons version.

  • Negropolis

    Wait, they are going to ride this on the Transportation bill, right? You know, the shitty one that cuts all funding to mass transit. Yeah, this will totally go unnoticed.

  • lulzmonger

    This is great news … for Torquemada!

  • C_R_Eature

    Beck's a Catholic now? Good News for Satan!

    (Pope Facepalm)

  • LiveToServeYa

    Today, we are all crypto-Mormons being crypto-Catholics. It's just a good thing nobody found out that we're crypto-humans, too.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    I'm actually more of a recovering Catholic.

  • SolitaireRose

    Beck just wants to get in on that hot, hot, post death baptismal action.

  • CapnFatback

    Mount Calvary?

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Yes. And I'm liking the idea more by the second.

  • ItsMrTheOwl2You

    Mount Barebackonly?

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    And we do mean white.