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SC Rep. Shares V-Day Tips on Twitter: ‘Why Not Tke Ur Girl To a Strip Club’

OOOH looks like Chuck Grassley has a little competish on the Twitters today in the illiterate Republican lawmaker category! South Carolina Rep. Thad Viers is going to get every straight dude in America laid on Valentine’s Day, with his foolproof list of tips. Pay close attention! Thad is living proof of his romantic wisdom — just ask his ex-girlfriend, who had him arrested a few weeks ago on charges of first-degree harassment. More smokin’ hawt RULEZ 4 ROMEOZ after the jump!!!

Oh just move over already, Dr. Drew:

It’s like if Charlie Sheen won election to state office. [Twitter/ Corey Hutchins]

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    1. not that Dewey

      Sure — haven't you ever driven past the TD's on I-25? "Surf and Turf Special – $7.95!".

      I don't know which is worse — the smell of steak and lobster spoiling the "eroticism", or the pubic hair spoiling the delectability of the steak.

      1. tessiee

        'the pubic hair spoiling the delectability of the steak"

        I'm pretty sure there hasn't been any pubic hair in strip clubs since the mid-1990s or so. As the locals would say:
        "That ol' gal hadden got hair one".

        1. not that Dewey

          Dammit, Tessie! My cover ID of "someone who speaks with authority about what goes on at strip clubs with buffets" is now totally blown!

          1. user-of-owls

            I was already a little suspicious after you noted that you enjoyed going because of the club's, "All You Can Eat Special."

        2. MittBorg

          My dad used to say his version of that to us when he wanted to be particularly insulting. "You haven't grown a single hair on your arse yet. Wait till you grow one or two before you give your parents advice, nah, darling?"

      2. flamingpdog

        You should stop in at Shotgun Cheney's Willie's in SE Denver sometime, Dewey. Only a couple of mile detour from I-25.

        1. PuckStopsHere

          Oh, God, I think I've been to this place, this Shotgun Whatever's in Denver, actually and really. I was there after a hockey game and when we got there I was STARVING. What I recall is this: There's a Naked Chick bumping and grinding about a yard from where I'm wolfing a t-bone, and I'm not even looking up. "Don't you like girls?" she sez, and I (still not looking up) reply, "I'm hungry."

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Never did it myself, but I had colleagues who thought it was great fun to go to the ones with the "free" buffet (you pay cover) for lunch after meeting certain clients. Personally, I found Hooters to be scary enough when it came to the food/flesh intersection.

      1. tessiee

        "I found Hooters to be scary enough when it came to the food/flesh intersection."

        Is it just me, or is Hooters deeply annoying, because it cutesies it up with that wink-wink "family restaurant" bullshit, like it wants to be a regular titty bar but doesn't want anyone to call it that?

        1. MittBorg

          Nah, it's not just you. If I want tits, I know where to go. If I want food, I know where to go. It's vanishingly rare that anyone can do two things well, simultaneously, and Hooters is proof positive of this.

  1. Barb

    "You treat her like a Kennedy mistress?'
    Lethal suppository, lay her out on her bed naked and get Peter Lawford to call the press 8 hours later with a well-rehearsed off-the-cuff statement?

    1. Nothingisamiss

      To be fair, the Kennedys were successful. Just another democratic example. (I'm looking at you, Newt.) Even Barney Frank's only going to get married once.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm pretty sure I've dated this guy.

      I'm pretty sure I've *been* this guy. But that was way back in my "caveman" phase. We've all make our embarrassing youthful mistakes.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      What gets me angriest about this type of tweeting is how certain words are deemed not worthy of vowels, but other, unnecessarily long words are spelled out in their entirety.

    1. Negropolis

      Personally fill all of her prescriptions, and then fuck with her on the phone about how you're "just not that in to her", and then see if she makes it through the night?

  2. SorosBot

    Strip clubs, lying, super cheap wine, telling her she only might get some if she's lucky; man I'm sure my girlfriend would love all of this and not be completely turned off by my acting like a total douchebag. If I had a girlfriend, that is.

        1. Chichikovovich

          You have to practice in front of a mirror carefully though. I've had students who didn't master their lines, and it came out all: "How r u killing? How was fighting? I like to work on top of trains and feel terrorists.", which is not going to get you laid at all.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Then you can spend the money you've pocketed on some pretty lady who serves dessert if you know what I mean and I think you do.

    1. Negligently_Joe

      In the interests of Science!, I suggested the strip club thing to my girlfriend, and linked her to this man's excellent advice, as reference. I'll let you know how it works out for me!

      Once the laughter dies down, that is.

      1. MissTaken

        I'm sure telling her she's sexy and IF she's lucky she might get dessert will definitely seal the deal.

        1. tessiee

          So the high heels Thad likes result in the cakes we like, and it's what passes for a great day in South Carolina.

  3. MissTaken

    "R u drsed fr funeral? Mybe u r – esp if she pshes u in frt of bs"

    I read that as "she pushes you in fart of bullshit". That sounds like a lovely Valentine's Day.

        1. Nothingisamiss

          Although she might. "Time to go, asshole, have a good time. I'll mail the credit card I lifted back to you."

    1. Negropolis

      Brunch? But, that's when they send out the B-squad strippers, you know, the ones with bruises and c-section scars.

  4. boobookitteh

    "I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too."

    Apparently it can get Jesus a lot of ass too.

    1. Schmannnity

      #2-BE ORIGINAL. Every guy sends flowers to a girls work. Congrats Rookie! How about unique Red Roses? Take her flowers= NO ROSES #sctweets
      10h Thad T. Viers Thad T. Viers @thadviers

      · Open

      Rule #1-Balloons. Unless you're an ass clown DO NOT SEND UR GIRL Balloons. It screams "let's tryout for the circus" NO balloons!! #sctweets
      10h Thad T. Viers Thad T. Viers @thadviers

  5. MissTaken

    Regarding #5, THE GIFT:

    What's so wrong about a purple teddy bear? A little too Tinky Winky Teletubby for the distinguished Rep from SC?

  6. Limeylizzie

    He is extra, super duper awesome…

    Viers grew up at the Ammons mobile home park and graduated from Socastee High School in 1995 and then matriculated to The Citadel. While serving in the State House, he also attended law school at the University of South Carolina and graduated in 2007.
    In 2010, after his brother received a ticket for violating the city of Myrtle Beach’s helmet law, Viers, along with attorney J. Todd Kincannon and Business Owners Organized to Support Tourism, filed a lawsuit against the city, calling the local helmet law for motorcyclists invalid.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Mr. Viers, thousands of young men and women sitting on organ transplant waiting lists thank you with all the intensity they can give.

      Edit: Afterthought: And I even came up with a slogan for any fundraising you may need to do. "The Viers Crusade: Let people with no working brains give life to people with no working hearts." Pretty good, eh? It's yours for free. With my sincere thanks.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      There are several things to be said for letting Republitards ride their donorcycles without helmets:

      Brains: damage is no problem; they aren't using them for much.
      Heart: ditto; might as well let someone else have one.
      Liver: probably much happier in a new home.
      Dick: probably much much happier in a new home.

    1. Chichikovovich

      I don't think he's talking about "If you have to ask, you can't afford it" calibre jewels. I'm thinking he's more a "try your luck with a box of crackerjacks" kind of guy.

    2. tessiee

      Newtie knows that jewelry is always appreciated.
      Oh, no, wait.
      Newtie knows that jewelry is always *necessary*.

  7. SheriffRoscoe

    Guys that claim to "like to fight on trains" and "killing terrists" are prolly the same ones who ink their shorts every time they get a paper cut. Or a splinter.

    1. emmelemm

      Ink their shorts.

      How have I never heard this particular turn of phrase? That's in the permanent lexicon now.

    2. Negropolis

      "likes to fight on trains" is totally code for, well, liking to fight on trains, if you know what I mean.

  8. Harry_S_Truman

    Oh, and it looks like Old Uncle Lindsey is going to have to bend this guy over his knee and give him a good spanking, too.

  9. facehead

    "And the Lord said unto Thad Viers, Come up to me into the strip club, and be there: and I will give thee tables of tweet, and a buffet, and 13 commandments of douchebaggery which I have written; that thou mayest teach them."

          1. SorosBot

            Why, I have no idea what you are getting at; nor do I understand where you could have gotten the impression that we have actually done such things together in real life.

          2. MittBorg

            If you guys bat your eyelashes any harder you'll set up a breeze that's like to take down a couple mountains or bridges. I'll assume it was good for you two.

      1. 40 or 50 % McShineys

        YES! It is valentine's day after all!

        Or, in un-Grasslied Thad-ese: "Goin ta pound-town down round the trash mound"

  10. mavenmaven

    And he's probably the suavest Repub of them all around the womenfolk. What will his pickup course at next years CPAC be called?

  11. unclejeems

    Um, maybe "strip club" in SC means something like, buffet supper on the church grounds. I mean, this guy is a conservative. It says so on his site. Then again, maybe he learned a little somethin' somethin' from Strom Thurmond, a former, dead boss of his.

  12. C_R_Eature

    Shakespeare: In the Spring, a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love.

    Viers: In the Spring, a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.

  13. Chichikovovich

    If I understand #10 correctly, he's saying – "If you're like me, you're not going to give up harassing your date for sex until she pushes you in front of a bus. If that happens, and you survive, make sure you're always prepared with a backup plan for some necrophilia action."

      1. Chichikovovich

        Well, back when it was active I did read and enjoy SexyLosers, to whom all of humankind is indebted for coining the word “fap”, to designate the sound of one hand fapping.But I was a weirdo long before that.—

        1. MittBorg

          Chich, you really do renew my faith in you. Now I'm wondering if you're that handsome young thing I once screwed the brains out of in my then-boyfriend's apartment.

          He's doing a whole new strip these days. Pointers over at SL.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Well, I was a handsome young thing back in the day, I won't lie to you about that. But I can say with some confidence that that wasn't me. You'll note that I said I'm a weirdo – gay sex is perfectly normal.—

          2. MittBorg

            As always, I was teasing, dear. Let me know if I get to be too much. I've never had so much fun in my life as I do here, and I'd hate to upset anyone while having a good time. (Hugs Chichikovovich)

          3. Chichikovovich

            No offence taken. What would I be upset about? Sorry if my post unintentionally conveyed anything else. Lots of hugs, etc.—

  14. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    A Valentine's Day special for Rep. Viers: 10 Simple Rape-Prevention Tips!

    Ten rape prevention tips:

    1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.

    2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone.

    3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.

    4. If you are in an elevator and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.

    5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.

    6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.

    7. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

    8. Use the Buddy System! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, ask a trusted friend to accompany you at all times.

    9. Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape someone, blow the whistle until someone comes to stop you.

    10. Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.

    1. Radiotherapy

      11. Don't go into a foxhole with a female soldier.
      12. If she's dressed in form fitting jeans and a top that shows a little cleavage, this is not an invitation to rape her.
      13. Jogging in the woods is not synonymous with rape.
      14. They aren't "asking for it."

        1. Radiotherapy

          16. Don't pick up nubile hitchhikers. It is better to let them walk than forcibly sodomize them.
          17. Yes, it is possible to rape your wife. Don't do it.

          1. Radiotherapy

            19. Just because Glenn Beck got away with raping and murdering a girl in 1990, that does NOT make it OK.

  15. Chichikovovich

    And # 8 seems to mean: "You've always considered simple thoughtfulness and good will toward others to be the province of losers, right? I can't blame you. But you still should think again: They can get you major tail!

  16. lulzmonger

    Having your buddy meet you on a date & pretend that you are a crimefighter?

  17. Chichikovovich

    In fairness to Mr Thaderrific, Loverman Extraordinaire, it does seem as if #3 is meaning to use the strip club/buffet suggestion sarcastically, to indicate his disdain for the idea of movie night on Valentines Day. Unless the movie night features a romantic dinner, and then The Notebook, the Romeo and Juliet of dementia caregiver movies.

    Normally I wouldn't be all rain-on-the-paradey like this, but there's so much fun to be had with the other suggestions understood as intended that we need not go for cheapies.

  18. Sparky MacGyver

    Sure, he sounds like a major league asshole… but he's definitely got a future in the Republican leadership. Watch your back, Vitter!

  19. CheeseNPear

    Which of these do you think was the one that got him the harassment suit? Could someone please try each one and tell us how far they got before they were arrested?

    1. MittBorg

      I notice no one's volunteering. Maybe over at RS? I understand those guys are totally into the New, Improved! Troglodyte Courtship methods over there.

  20. rickmaci

    Like this guy has a chance of getting a date with anyone other than a Reptardlican tranny or even Mann Coulter. But I repeat myself. He can't afford vowels, let alone spring for dinner and a gift. Loser.

    1. tessiee

      "He can't afford vowels, let alone spring for dinner and a gift. Loser."

      This would limit him to dating Sheila E.

  21. fuflans

    i like to fight on top of trains

    you are a tub of mamma's little meathead lard. i would pay good money to see you fight on the top of a train.

  22. Abernathy

    The buddy who shows up at opportune moments to compliment you on your crimefighting will come especially handy when the cops are arresting you for harassment.

    1. MissTaken

      3)I never cherished you as a loving woman; someone who should have been my #1 priority and been showered with love. Instead I got caught up in my own world and stopped giving you the attention our love needed.

      He should have given her some cheap gas station wine and asked her "how r u feeling? How was wrk?" to really show that she was his #1 priority.

    2. tessiee

      "controversial bbq magnates (are there any other kind??)"

      No, and there never will be, until the great Tomato Sauce vs. Vinegar vs. Mustard issue is settled.

    3. PuckStopsHere

      Viers – whose candidacy for the newly-drawn seventh congressional district was endorsed by S.C. Gov. Nikki Haley last August – dropped out of the race on Friday after Myrtle Beach police arrested him and charged with harassing Bessinger.

      Nice endorsement, Guv-muh! Yet another well thought-out political move from Ms. Haley. Was she fucking this guy, too?

    4. Dashboard Buddha

      Good lord…that letter was one of the most cringe-worthy things I've ever read…and I write my own songs.

    5. Chet Kincaid

      He really knows how to bring the pathetic:

      I hope you and your family have a wonderful time, dinner, and Christmas. I will be doing the tv dinner thing since my mom and the dog are going out of town.


      2)Instead of just being there to give the love and support you needed I would always try to just be Mr. Fix it and bulldoze over your emotions with solutions instead of truly understanding your feelings.

      That's wrong?? I mean, she keeps talking over a key line of dialog on "Person Of Interest" so that you have to keep hitting the DVR back button!

  23. Guppy

    "Improve ur skills?"

    I try not to leave the house and interact with other people much, so I have to ask: is this one of those self-styled "pickup artists" I've heard about on teh tubez?

  24. Joshua Norton

    It's hard to get the first kiss right. You want to be manly but gentle, so you won't wake her up.

  25. C_R_Eature

    #11 WINE- Don't go to a gas station-but if u do-pickot the chepest& then try to sell it as expensive! It will improve ur skills. #sctweets

    OK, this one, out of all of them, really got to me. Why ?

      1. C_R_Eature

        I think I know why it's cracking me up (can't help you with the definition, though!)

        1.) "Gas Station Wine" = Just so Romantic.

        2.) I have a mental image of this smarmy greaseball valiantly trying to Upsell MD 20/20 at a crummy Formica tabled "Italian" Restaurant.

        I think.

        1. Blueb4sunrise

          Oh okay. Like at 7-11, or Harvey's Texaco and Juke Joint . I didn't get the connection.

          So now I picture him at a Rest-Stop on I-95 , waving around the pint, hoping to find a date .

          1. C_R_Eature

            That's it! With the additional absurdity of pouring cheap wine into nicer empty bottle found on the side of the road.

          2. C_R_Eature

            In faded Magnesia pink and Bondo, squatted way down on collapsed springs, white rag top patched with Duct Tape. The passenger door flies open with a rusty screech and Girlfriend's Incredibly Drunk Office Friend falls heavily out onto the parking lot.

          3. Blueb4sunrise

            Our hero takes a hit of the MD and staggers to the car. The GIDOF is trying to climb up the car , but fails, and collapses back on the ground.
            He offers her a swig, "Come here often, baby? My name is Thad."

            edit: gotta git. Feel free to continue….anyone else around…..

          4. C_R_Eature

            Girlfriend opens driver's door (*screeeeech!*) runs around front of car, to help. She grabs the bottle away, takes a huge pull, grimaces. "What is this? Another Australian Table wine?"
            Together, they manage to shovel bonelessly limp, giggling GIDOF in to the back seat.
            Back in the front seat, Girlfriend, seeths."Our reservations are at 8, we don't have much time to drop Her at home and get across town." She slams the Bonneville in gear, fishtailing out of the lot, gravel flying "I hope you're not going to get us arrested like last Valentine's day! and no more Strippers, dammit!" "Aww Baby, you know You're the only one!" he says.
            GIDOF begins retching in the back.

            EDIT: Tune in again next time, folks for the further debauched adventures of Thad T. Viers, Private Detective, Public Douchebag!

          5. tessiee

            Voice-over: "Well, right about that time, Thad and them Duke boys were up to their old tricks. What they *didn't* know is that the Sheriff was parked behind the billboard, right outside the Gas'n'Go…"

          6. MittBorg

            YEEEEEE … thump! thump!

            (fading sirens in background; cut to squashed sherriff car, lights flickering weakly; pull out to truck taillights disappearing down a darkened road)

        2. tessiee

          "valiantly trying to Upsell MD 20/20 at a crummy Formica tabled "Italian" Restaurant."

          It's the recommended choice for the specialty of the house, Spaghettios with cut-up hot dogs mixed in.

  26. Terry

    In the linked article about his arrest, he said that he wasn't running for reelection for personal reasons.

    Yeah, his arse was personally arrested.

    1. tessiee

      Also a tattoo, so that when you appear in public with your shirt off — which is all the time, because it's South Carolina — the rest of the NASCAR fans will be all like, "DUUUUUUUDE!!"

  27. elburritodeluxe

    Im sorry for suggesting that Thad wasn't romantic. Check this out from his wikipedia entry!

    In January 2012, Viers was arrested on charges of harassing a 28 year old woman described as an ex-girlfriend. He was released on a $5000 bond and subsequently withdrew his bid for GOP nomination to the US Congress from South Carolina's 7th congressional district, citing "personal reasons". In 2006, Viers had been charged with threatening to "beat up" a man who was dating his estranged wife; he pled no-contest in that case and paid a fine of $500.

  28. pinkocommi

    ‘Why Not Tke Ur Girl To a Strip Club’

    This Republitard is displaying his family values…. The stripper is also his "niece."

  29. cheetojeebus

    How fucking helpful.

    You know this douche keeps a journal.

    Thursday: "Rt 13 near the Stuckeys, trannie hooker, always wears red boots. Hawt!"

  30. SayItWithWookies

    I can't believe y'all are criticizing this guy's dating advice — Mitt Romney used these techniques on Michigan and he's doing just gangbusters with them.

  31. tessiee

    When my Cousin Garlic was a young single fella, he used to hang out in strip clubs. Once he asked one of the dancers out on a date, but cautioned her that if she were go to out with him, she'd have to quit her job, because he couldn't very well date a stripper.
    Cousin Garlic is still smarter and more relationship savvy than Thad.

  32. Mahousu

    Is it true? Does it matter?

    Looks like somebody's got his Fox News gig all lined up, once he gets out of office and/or jail.

  33. tessiee

    #3: Personal hygiene is important, but so is politeness; so when cleaning your ears, use YOUR OWN truck keys.

  34. owhatever

    Hey, Thad. Thnx a lot for the tips. I took her to a strip joint, plied her with cheapo wine and she had a heckuva good time stuffing money in the g-strings of those oiled-up, gyrating hunks. I actually didn't enjoy it too much myself. She left with one of the dancers, some slippery dude named Anton. Are your rules different for Mother's Day?

  35. tessiee

    What is this, a blizzard, that I can't have money in my pocket and people not talk about me? This world is a trip! I got this person over here talkin about me, this person over here talkin about me… Hey, listen, let me tell you something! It's my prerogative! I made this money, you didn't! Right, Thad? We outta here!

  36. carolinaswamp

    Not to worry, Thad is heavily into very pious support for voter suppression bills. So, he does have serious stuff on his mind, sometimes.

  37. Negropolis

    And, here I was like an idiot thinking that it was Virginia that was for lovers.

    Keep fuckin' that chicken, South Crackalakee!

  38. tessiee

    In addition to all the other things wrong with Thad and his list… I could have happily gone the rest of my life without knowing that gas stations sold wine.

      1. C_R_Eature

        You're needling me. Clever Cyborg!

        I've seen Frank do this song live twice (with two bands) and have seen ZPZ do this song live twice and I'm of the opinion that they're both good. The interpretations are also so different as to make them two different songs, really.
        I like the ZPZ one because the slower tempo works with this band, the video is pretty good (it's ripped from the DVD – looks like) and Scheila Gonzalez is just awesome.

        1. MittBorg

          I am. But all in good humour. I love to poke people just to check that they're awake. (Hugs the CREature)

          Yes, that gal is awesome. She's got her timing down perfect, too. And the band is — how did the old man put it?

          The band was tight
          They did the bump together

          1. C_R_Eature

            Yeah, knew that. I wake up fast, always have.

            If you haven't seen ZPZ and get the chance, jump at it. They're extraordinary.
            Also just about the only folks who are performing Zappa now.

          2. MittBorg

            Oh, I definitely intend to, dood.

            Not too many people have the patience to perfect their technical skills to the level Frank demanded. I have never heard such incredibly tight playing before, and, frankly, never expect to again. Although I hope I'm wrong.

          3. C_R_Eature

            Robert Fripp/King Crimson were that tight, back in their day (if you could stand it).
            Dweezil essentially remade his playing technique completely to be able to play these. Took him almost two hard years. I'm glad he did.

            BTW: Here's a Tour Schedule. have at it.

          4. MittBorg

            Thank you very much for turning me on to more good music, CRE. Don't hold yourself back, if you can think of anything that might appeal, please, send it on. You can always find me at, one word, the political cat on gmail. My tastes are pretty eclectic — Zappa, Diamanda Galas, Chinese opera, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, the Dagar brothers, Sundanese music, Bob Marley, Incredible String Band, Gong (from the planet GONG!), Bob Dylan, French rappers, Dissidenten. Give me your all, fella.

            Thanks for the tour schedule. I remember Frank in an interview talking about Dweezil as a guitar player and how different they were. (Sniff!) The world lost a great talent with his passing.

  39. Sassomatic

    Um, there was a sarcasm thing going on there. He means a "move night" is lame, and equates it with the equally not awesome idea of a strip club with a buffet. Am I the only one who understood that? Or maybe I'm supposed to pretend I don't actually get that? He was serious about "Don't be gay," though.

    1. CapnFatback

      You're not the only one who seemingly managed to parse the tweet for sarcastic intent, but I submit that doing so shows real generosity on your (and Chich's) part. But, I'm a team player, so I'll offer Viers some tips of my own to help make sure the wisdom of his comedy tweeting reaches broader audiences:

      #1 For starters, if equating "movie night" to "going to the strip club," why mention the buffet? A movie doesn't necessarily imply dinner. Now there's an imbalance of activity here, unless we're supposed to assume that copious amounts of popcorn is involved in watching the movie.

      #2 Showing contrast between "movie night" and "strip club" could be handled with a simple "just" or "jst," as in "Why not tke ur girl to a strip club?" No room in the tweet? Drop the pointless "w/ a buffet"!

      #3 Lose the "Great idea!" The contrast of "jst" will sell your sarcasm.

      #4 And dammit, doesn't "movie night" refer to staying in to watch movies in the first place? What he apparently sees as a goddamned "exception" to "movie night" is exactly what "movie night" typically means! I've never heard people call going out to a theater "movie night."

      #5 Style guide tip: When dealing with a character limit, words like "Why" can be reduced to "Y" without you having to pull the full Grassley. Do u h v it?

      Gah, there's a market out there for Adult Education Tweet-writing courses. The money you can make from professional athletes alone!

  40. Buckminster

    "In January 2012, Viers was arrested on charges of harassing a 28 year old woman described as an ex-girlfriend. He was released on a $5000 bond and subsequently withdrew his bid for GOP nomination to the US Congress from South Carolina's 7th congressional district, citing "personal reasons". In 2006, Viers had been charged with threatening to "beat up" a man who was dating his estranged wife; he pled no-contest in that case and paid a fine of $500."
    The stupid is strong with this one.

  41. user-of-owls

    After expressing disappointment that he had to drop out of the race, Viers noted:

    … now is not the time. Instead, I will focus on building my law practice and advocating free market principles here in Horry County.

    What a peach.

    1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Oh, golly. With protectors like those, One-Man-One-Woman marriage is doomed.

      "Marriage is a fine institution. But I don't know many people who want to live in an institution"– Groucho Marx

    2. not that Dewey

      Kudos to Chris Moody of Yahoo! News:

      Still, just to make sure we're clear: Chuck Norris doesn't join faith coalitions. Faith coalitions join Chuck Norris.

  42. glamourdammerung

    So did he decline to run for reelection because of shame or because he realized that compared to South Carolina's Senators and last couple of governors, he is an amateur?

    Just kidding, we all know conservatives or whatever they are calling themselves this week are incapable of the basic self awareness required to feel shame.

  43. Negropolis

    OT: Romney's dumb ass is running the commercial he's been running against Newt for like forever here in Michigan. He's not just out of touch with the general feelings of America at the moment, but the actual race he's running in. The fucker is running a commercial in a state where he needs to beat Santorum against the guy last in the polls. I realize he'll eventually get to Santy, but he shouldn't even be running anything against Gingrich.

    1. Steverino247

      Mitt Romulan obviously wants Newt to drop out of the race in order to get his voters. He really needs someone to go away and Newt's the best choice since Paul can't quit because this is what he lives for and Santorum is insane.

    2. Gainsbourg69

      Like Thad Viers, loverboy deluxe, he's hoping that stomping on Newt while he's down will make the lady Michiganders think he's an alpha male and vote for him.

    3. smoothmineral

      Yeah, he is still bombing Newt in Arizona too. I think I remember them saying something on MSNBC about the Romney campaign not letting up on Newt this time so he has no chance of ever coming back.

  44. SolitaireRose

    "I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too."

    Jesus Mullet pictures for everyone!

  45. elburritodeluxe

    Thank God there's a conservative family-values Republican representing that district. If it was a Democrat the tips would Valentine's Day Tips for pleasuring your same-sex spouse. And Reagan would not have approved.

  46. DaRooster

    Guys don't ever take your girl to the strip club… she will not only know where to find you but then the secret will be out on the best buffet in town.


  47. DaRooster

    Or… you could just dress up like a panda and hump racoons… 'cuz that is how Ricky Gervais rolls…

    (greatest Daily Show interview ever)

  48. DaRooster

    But if I wear my funeral suit and she does push me in front of a bus (which she will if I act like this douche) what will I wear at the burial? Won't it get mussed?

  49. Flitzy

    With all these nice tips coming in from Republicans, how long until David Vitter throws his hat in the ring and gives us some tips on how he enjoys the holiday?

    I'm assuming he likes to pamper the one he loves?

  50. Gainsbourg69

    Yeah, dude, cards are totally gay and she won't appreciate jewelry. Get her a set of tools and a 24 pack of Coors light instead.

  51. smoothmineral

    I don't know if that list makes me lose more faith in men as a whole for being capable producing a specimen like him or women, for actually taking up with that creep.

  52. Catabite

    Not gonna lie, I love the phrase "renegade Christmas elf", although I don't believe that renegade means what he seems to think it means.

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