GUARANTEED OR YOUR VOTE BACK  7:14 pm February 14, 2012

SC Rep. Shares V-Day Tips on Twitter: ‘Why Not Tke Ur Girl To a Strip Club’

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson


OOOH looks like Chuck Grassley has a little competish on the Twitters today in the illiterate Republican lawmaker category! South Carolina Rep. Thad Viers is going to get every straight dude in America laid on Valentine’s Day, with his foolproof list of tips. Pay close attention! Thad is living proof of his romantic wisdom — just ask his ex-girlfriend, who had him arrested a few weeks ago on charges of first-degree harassment. More smokin’ hawt RULEZ 4 ROMEOZ after the jump!!!

Oh just move over already, Dr. Drew:

It’s like if Charlie Sheen won election to state office. [Twitter/ Corey Hutchins]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 334 comments }

Barb February 14, 2012 at 7:16 pm

A buffet in a strip club? I hope the rats are wearing hairnets.

not that Dewey February 14, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Sure — haven't you ever driven past the TD's on I-25? "Surf and Turf Special – $7.95!".

I don't know which is worse — the smell of steak and lobster spoiling the "eroticism", or the pubic hair spoiling the delectability of the steak.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 7:23 pm

The worst thing is that their soup is thickened with KY Jelly.

not that Dewey February 14, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Inadvertently.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 14, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Do NOT order the crab bisque.

flamingpdog February 14, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Or the crab risqué.

starfanglednut February 14, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Thumbs up!

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:15 pm

You are truly horrible. I LOL'd and all the cats woke up and fled. I hope you're happy, LOLA.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Kentucky Colonel libel!

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

'the pubic hair spoiling the delectability of the steak"

I'm pretty sure there hasn't been any pubic hair in strip clubs since the mid-1990s or so. As the locals would say:
"That ol' gal hadden got hair one".

not that Dewey February 14, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Dammit, Tessie! My cover ID of "someone who speaks with authority about what goes on at strip clubs with buffets" is now totally blown!

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 11:47 pm

And your street cred was, like, so good before.

user-of-owls February 15, 2012 at 12:32 am

I was already a little suspicious after you noted that you enjoyed going because of the club's, "All You Can Eat Special."

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 11:47 pm

My dad used to say his version of that to us when he wanted to be particularly insulting. "You haven't grown a single hair on your arse yet. Wait till you grow one or two before you give your parents advice, nah, darling?"

flamingpdog February 14, 2012 at 11:58 pm

You should stop in at Shotgun Cheney's Willie's in SE Denver sometime, Dewey. Only a couple of mile detour from I-25.

not that Dewey February 15, 2012 at 12:49 am

That sounds like a helluva place.

PuckStopsHere February 15, 2012 at 12:55 am

Oh, God, I think I've been to this place, this Shotgun Whatever's in Denver, actually and really. I was there after a hockey game and when we got there I was STARVING. What I recall is this: There's a Naked Chick bumping and grinding about a yard from where I'm wolfing a t-bone, and I'm not even looking up. "Don't you like girls?" she sez, and I (still not looking up) reply, "I'm hungry."

lulzmonger February 14, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I want to buy this comment a lapdance.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Step into the champagne room.

BerkeleyBear February 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Never did it myself, but I had colleagues who thought it was great fun to go to the ones with the "free" buffet (you pay cover) for lunch after meeting certain clients. Personally, I found Hooters to be scary enough when it came to the food/flesh intersection.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 10:48 pm

"I found Hooters to be scary enough when it came to the food/flesh intersection."

Is it just me, or is Hooters deeply annoying, because it cutesies it up with that wink-wink "family restaurant" bullshit, like it wants to be a regular titty bar but doesn't want anyone to call it that?

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Nah, it's not just you. If I want tits, I know where to go. If I want food, I know where to go. It's vanishingly rare that anyone can do two things well, simultaneously, and Hooters is proof positive of this.

CountryClubJihadi February 14, 2012 at 9:44 pm

I hope they have a sneeze-guard to stop the ping-pong balls from landing in the linguini.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I also hope that the clams on the linguini aren't a double entendre.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 7:18 pm

"You treat her like a Kennedy mistress?'
Lethal suppository, lay her out on her bed naked and get Peter Lawford to call the press 8 hours later with a well-rehearsed off-the-cuff statement?

Nothingisamiss February 14, 2012 at 8:41 pm

To be fair, the Kennedys were successful. Just another democratic example. (I'm looking at you, Newt.) Even Barney Frank's only going to get married once.

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 9:12 am

Or you could just drive her off a bridge…

anniegetyerfun February 15, 2012 at 3:00 pm

There are just SO many Kennedies to choose from!

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Talk about a vowel movement.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 14, 2012 at 7:36 pm

At least he's no longer consonantipated.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 14, 2012 at 7:43 pm

He's clearly committed hra-kri: Ritual disemvowellment

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Hraaak! Hrraaaak!

Oh, wait, that was Duncan Idaho. Never mind.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 14, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Hayters gonna Hayt.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:47 pm

It is consonant with my knowledge of your character that you should resort to ad hominid attacks.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:19 pm

I'm pretty sure I've dated this guy.

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2012 at 7:20 pm

We all have.

starfanglednut February 14, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Honey, I think we all have.

Edit: Gah! FLV, you beat me to it!

Maman February 14, 2012 at 7:56 pm

So sorry to you all.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 8:04 pm

And you let him go? That's crazy!

Lascauxcaveman February 15, 2012 at 2:26 am

I'm pretty sure I've dated this guy.

I'm pretty sure I've *been* this guy. But that was way back in my "caveman" phase. We've all make our embarrassing youthful mistakes.

NorthStarSpanx February 14, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Tweeting with a complete lack of vowels really gets me hot.

anniegetyerfun February 15, 2012 at 3:02 pm

What gets me angriest about this type of tweeting is how certain words are deemed not worthy of vowels, but other, unnecessarily long words are spelled out in their entirety.

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Treat her like a Kennedy mistress

Take her for a short drive?

Barb February 14, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Kennedy Limousine Service, you get there safe or we don't pay!

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Personally fill all of her prescriptions, and then fuck with her on the phone about how you're "just not that in to her", and then see if she makes it through the night?

paris biltong February 15, 2012 at 8:00 am

Fuck her but don't kiss her.

blkLightDisco February 14, 2012 at 7:21 pm

CheapAzz! Why take his g/f the stripper to the strip club.

BerkeleyBear February 14, 2012 at 8:01 pm

B/c thas where her kidz b.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 14, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Two words: employee discount.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Strip clubs, lying, super cheap wine, telling her she only might get some if she's lucky; man I'm sure my girlfriend would love all of this and not be completely turned off by my acting like a total douchebag. If I had a girlfriend, that is.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:27 pm

You just need to follow this advice and then *poof*…girlfriend!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 7:31 pm

If he were a *poof* would he need a girlfriend?

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Does a Republican need a beard?

not that Dewey February 14, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Don't Be Gay!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 14, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Works for Breitfart.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 7:58 pm

How r u feeling? How was wrk? I like to fight on top of trains & kill terrists.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Wow, there just went 2 hours! Well done.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 8:06 pm

You have to practice in front of a mirror carefully though. I've had students who didn't master their lines, and it came out all: "How r u killing? How was fighting? I like to work on top of trains and feel terrorists.", which is not going to get you laid at all.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Well, it could, but probly by all the wrong people.

Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, anyone?

HistoriCat February 14, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Wow – that's totally hawt!

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Well, yeah, but probly not the one he's hankerin' for.

not that Dewey February 14, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Did you try selling her some cheap gas station wine at a steep markup? Works every time.

Beowoof February 14, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Dating this guy, she may feel the need to buy it.

starfanglednut February 14, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Or mainline it.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Then you can spend the money you've pocketed on some pretty lady who serves dessert if you know what I mean and I think you do.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:28 pm

When you say it with those eyebrows, it's hard to mistake your meaning.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:32 pm

That's what I always tell Jack Nicholson.

Negligently_Joe February 14, 2012 at 7:38 pm

In the interests of Science!, I suggested the strip club thing to my girlfriend, and linked her to this man's excellent advice, as reference. I'll let you know how it works out for me!

Once the laughter dies down, that is.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:42 pm

I'm sure telling her she's sexy and IF she's lucky she might get dessert will definitely seal the deal.

PuckStopsHere February 15, 2012 at 12:58 am

And she's wearing the high heels you like, natch.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Make sure it's one with a buffet.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

So the high heels Thad likes result in the cakes we like, and it's what passes for a great day in South Carolina.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 10:51 pm

"If I had a girlfriend, that is."

Like Thad does?

blkLightDisco February 14, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Cards with fairies….

elburritodeluxe February 14, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Cuz who knows more about romance than a Republican State Senator…

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:36 pm

His meth dealing male prostitute?

Nothingisamiss February 14, 2012 at 8:44 pm

The boyfriend of the prostitute who can't even sell meth?

Boojum_Reborn February 14, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Hitler?

Radiotherapy February 14, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Dr. Ruth?

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 10:42 pm

His self-hating rentboy?

trampndirtdown February 14, 2012 at 11:58 pm

His fundamentalist preacher?

flamingpdog February 15, 2012 at 12:07 am

Kermit the Frog?

(Would you care to sniff the bottle cap?)

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:24 pm

"R u drsed fr funeral? Mybe u r – esp if she pshes u in frt of bs"

I read that as "she pushes you in fart of bullshit". That sounds like a lovely Valentine's Day.

IceCreamEmpress February 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I think David Vitter has to pay extra for that.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Into pegging, are we?

starfanglednut February 15, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I'm afraid to ask: What is pegging?

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 2:16 pm

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pe

The Urban Dictionary is (not) your friend. And you will hate me for this.

starfanglednut February 15, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Man: “I really feel like getting fucked in the ass today, but I don't dig that whole gay lifestyle”Oh, fer fuck's sake.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:25 pm

What an idiot. Everyone knows you only go to the strip club buffet for lunch. Duh.

IceCreamEmpress February 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Brunch is the optimal strip club meal. LEGS 'N' EGGS 4 LYFE!

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 8:06 pm

For dinner you want the strip club with the fancy four course meal.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 8:12 pm

But NOT the one with the fancy whore course meal. She may not appreciate that.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Although it would be fulfilling every man's fantasy to watch that.

Nothingisamiss February 14, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Although she might. "Time to go, asshole, have a good time. I'll mail the credit card I lifted back to you."

Veritas78 February 14, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Ask for the Early Bird Special if you're on a fixed income.

Dudleydidwrong February 14, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Or the senior discount.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Brunch? But, that's when they send out the B-squad strippers, you know, the ones with bruises and c-section scars.

not that Dewey February 14, 2012 at 7:27 pm

I now h v dte wth hukr

Abernathy February 14, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Damnit! I want to give this more than one thumbs up!

LettucePrey February 14, 2012 at 7:28 pm

"I lv u like Nwt Gngrch lvs abandnng a sick wif"

boobookitteh February 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm

"I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too."

Apparently it can get Jesus a lot of ass too.

vtxmcrider February 15, 2012 at 9:03 am

If Jesus wants ass, he can just ask the Holy Spirit for a couple of tips.

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 9:10 am

Plus, a people spend a lot of time on their knees before him.

DerrickWildcat February 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Where's #2 and #1?
Just curious you know.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:31 pm

I think those are floating in the toilet where the rest of the list should be.

Schmannnity February 14, 2012 at 7:45 pm

#2-BE ORIGINAL. Every guy sends flowers to a girls work. Congrats Rookie! How about unique Red Roses? Take her flowers= NO ROSES #sctweets
10h Thad T. Viers Thad T. Viers @thadviers

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Rule #1-Balloons. Unless you're an ass clown DO NOT SEND UR GIRL Balloons. It screams "let's tryout for the circus" NO balloons!! #sctweets
10h Thad T. Viers Thad T. Viers @thadviers

__kth__ February 14, 2012 at 8:25 pm

#2 – Leav thretnng vmail on ex-wife's new hsb's ph; nthg sez alpha & bada$$ & in chg like that

#1 – Stlk th mst rcnt girl u strk out with

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Regarding #5, THE GIFT:

What's so wrong about a purple teddy bear? A little too Tinky Winky Teletubby for the distinguished Rep from SC?

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 8:09 pm

She told me she was going to show me her tiny teddy, and boy was I surprised…

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Don't be gay!

nounverb911 February 14, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Is Miss Lindsey doing her famous pole dance at the club?

CommieLibunatic February 14, 2012 at 7:31 pm

This charming fellow makes me feel like… well, a charming fellow. I'm surprised he didn't suggest to Send that bitch a X.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 14, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Polonius, is that you?

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Nthr a brroer nr a lndr b.

Limeylizzie February 14, 2012 at 7:32 pm

He is extra, super duper awesome…

Viers grew up at the Ammons mobile home park and graduated from Socastee High School in 1995 and then matriculated to The Citadel. While serving in the State House, he also attended law school at the University of South Carolina and graduated in 2007.
In 2010, after his brother received a ticket for violating the city of Myrtle Beach’s helmet law, Viers, along with attorney J. Todd Kincannon and Business Owners Organized to Support Tourism, filed a lawsuit against the city, calling the local helmet law for motorcyclists invalid.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Mr. Viers, thousands of young men and women sitting on organ transplant waiting lists thank you with all the intensity they can give.

Edit: Afterthought: And I even came up with a slogan for any fundraising you may need to do. "The Viers Crusade: Let people with no working brains give life to people with no working hearts." Pretty good, eh? It's yours for free. With my sincere thanks.

Biff February 14, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Jeebus, I hate helmet laws. Who knew I'd find in Mr.Viers a kindred spirit?

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Winning!

Biel_ze_Bubba February 14, 2012 at 11:36 pm

There are several things to be said for letting Republitards ride their donorcycles without helmets:

Brains: damage is no problem; they aren't using them for much.
Heart: ditto; might as well let someone else have one.
Liver: probably much happier in a new home.
Dick: probably much much happier in a new home.

boobookitteh February 14, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Oh – and FYI – jewelry is always appreciated.

Just ask Newtie.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I don't think he's talking about "If you have to ask, you can't afford it" calibre jewels. I'm thinking he's more a "try your luck with a box of crackerjacks" kind of guy.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:37 pm

A diamond necklace will get you a blow job WAY faster than a blow job will get you a diamond necklace.

starfanglednut February 14, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Is that what I've been doing wrong?

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 9:10 pm

All depends on what you want outa life, baybee.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:36 pm

"Diamonds… She'll pretty much have to."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDr1oQ1wsQU

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 12:21 am

ZOMG. I wonder if they know?

PuckStopsHere February 15, 2012 at 1:06 am

Now I love you even more, tessiee. Happy (belated) Valentines Day!

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Newtie knows that jewelry is always appreciated.
Oh, no, wait.
Newtie knows that jewelry is always *necessary*.

Harry_S_Truman February 14, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I lv hw ths gys thnk no 1 wll evr fnd out theyr tweetng.

SheriffRoscoe February 14, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Guys that claim to "like to fight on trains" and "killing terrists" are prolly the same ones who ink their shorts every time they get a paper cut. Or a splinter.

Radiotherapy February 14, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Chickenhawk Romeo's.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:34 pm

See also everything John Ringo has ever written.

emmelemm February 14, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Ink their shorts.

How have I never heard this particular turn of phrase? That's in the permanent lexicon now.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 10:46 pm

"likes to fight on trains" is totally code for, well, liking to fight on trains, if you know what I mean.

Harry_S_Truman February 14, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Oh, and it looks like Old Uncle Lindsey is going to have to bend this guy over his knee and give him a good spanking, too.

Angry_Marmot February 14, 2012 at 7:36 pm

"tke ur grl to a strip club"– Must be Amateur Night?

HistoriCat February 14, 2012 at 9:13 pm

That cheap wine isn't going to pay for itself. Make that girl go out and earn it!

Schmannnity February 14, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Full contact lap buffet. No wonder Newt won SC.

facehead February 14, 2012 at 7:37 pm

"And the Lord said unto Thad Viers, Come up to me into the strip club, and be there: and I will give thee tables of tweet, and a buffet, and 13 commandments of douchebaggery which I have written; that thou mayest teach them."

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Loud were the lamentations of the vast multitudes, and numerous the facepalmings thereof.

Steverino247 February 14, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Why can't he just present fresh angiosperm genitalia to his girlfriend like everybody else does?

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:39 pm

So, uh, wutchu doin' this weekend, dood?

(Did he *really* say angiosperm … ?)

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Or do the Dr. Zoidberg mating dance?

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:40 pm

And here I thought chivalry was dead.

Steverino247 February 14, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Because once a knight is not enough?

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I'm sure my neighbors would say "no, it most certainly is not".

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Hee.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:40 pm

That sounds like a very knowing "hee," if you get my drift. And I b'leev you do.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Just severely wounded, dear.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Chivalry is in intensive care after Thad pushed it in front of an oncoming bus.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 14, 2012 at 7:43 pm

You know what doesn't get tweeted nearly enough?

"Tke ur duchebg to the dmp. Lv hm thr."

doloras February 14, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Love him there?!? Ewww.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 14, 2012 at 8:43 pm

YES! It is valentine's day after all!

Or, in un-Grasslied Thad-ese: "Goin ta pound-town down round the trash mound"

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Gleem, you're in FINE form tonight!

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:08 pm

What else can you do at the dump when it's too windy to shoot rats?

mavenmaven February 14, 2012 at 7:43 pm

And he's probably the suavest Repub of them all around the womenfolk. What will his pickup course at next years CPAC be called?

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:54 pm

"Sit On My Face And Tell Me That You Love Me."

Loaded_Pants February 14, 2012 at 9:00 pm

"I love to hear you oralize
When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away"

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:40 pm

"What will his pickup course at next years CPAC be called?"

Ah Likes Me Some Poontang 101?

Jukesgrrl February 15, 2012 at 2:53 am

Morning Joe

unclejeems February 14, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Um, maybe "strip club" in SC means something like, buffet supper on the church grounds. I mean, this guy is a conservative. It says so on his site. Then again, maybe he learned a little somethin' somethin' from Strom Thurmond, a former, dead boss of his.

C_R_Eature February 14, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Shakespeare: In the Spring, a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love.

Viers: In the Spring, a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 7:46 pm

If I understand #10 correctly, he's saying – "If you're like me, you're not going to give up harassing your date for sex until she pushes you in front of a bus. If that happens, and you survive, make sure you're always prepared with a backup plan for some necrophilia action."

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:42 pm

You've been reading SexyLosers too, haven't you?

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Well, back when it was active I did read and enjoy SexyLosers, to whom all of humankind is indebted for coining the word “fap”, to designate the sound of one hand fapping.But I was a weirdo long before that.—

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 12:00 am

Chich, you really do renew my faith in you. Now I'm wondering if you're that handsome young thing I once screwed the brains out of in my then-boyfriend's apartment.

He's doing a whole new strip these days. Pointers over at SL.

Chichikovovich February 15, 2012 at 8:50 am

Well, I was a handsome young thing back in the day, I won't lie to you about that. But I can say with some confidence that that wasn't me. You'll note that I said I'm a weirdo – gay sex is perfectly normal.—

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 14, 2012 at 7:49 pm

A Valentine's Day special for Rep. Viers: 10 Simple Rape-Prevention Tips!

Ten rape prevention tips:

1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.

2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone.

3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.

4. If you are in an elevator and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.

5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.

6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.

7. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

8. Use the Buddy System! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, ask a trusted friend to accompany you at all times.

9. Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape someone, blow the whistle until someone comes to stop you.

10. Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.

Mojopo February 14, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I love you.

Radiotherapy February 14, 2012 at 9:34 pm

11. Don't go into a foxhole with a female soldier.
12. If she's dressed in form fitting jeans and a top that shows a little cleavage, this is not an invitation to rape her.
13. Jogging in the woods is not synonymous with rape.
14. They aren't "asking for it."

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 10:17 pm

15. Do not frequent empty garage staircases. You only go there to rape women, which you shouldn't do.

Radiotherapy February 14, 2012 at 10:34 pm

16. Don't pick up nubile hitchhikers. It is better to let them walk than forcibly sodomize them.
17. Yes, it is possible to rape your wife. Don't do it.

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 11:14 pm

18. Remember, Clint Eastwood is still alive.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Infinity plus one upfists for this.

BlueStateLibel February 14, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Thad is really a cheap asshole, isn't he?

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 7:50 pm

And # 8 seems to mean: "You've always considered simple thoughtfulness and good will toward others to be the province of losers, right? I can't blame you. But you still should think again: They can get you major tail!

JackObin February 14, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Why is ths ctry so stpd?

Harry_S_Truman February 14, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Correction: Only 40% of this country is so stupid; they're called conservatives.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Bcz Scrlna mrrys sblngs.

lulzmonger February 14, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Having your buddy meet you on a date & pretend that you are a crimefighter?
POONTANG SLAM-DUNK CITY.

Barrelhse February 14, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Threesome?

Goonemeritus February 14, 2012 at 7:56 pm

I thought South Carolina tradition dictated a heart shaped box of Oxycodone.

FlownOver February 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Nope – I got nothing. Sometimes reality defies effective snark. It's like trying to do an Alice Cooper parody.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Hey, it worked for Marilyn Manson.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 8:00 pm

In fairness to Mr Thaderrific, Loverman Extraordinaire, it does seem as if #3 is meaning to use the strip club/buffet suggestion sarcastically, to indicate his disdain for the idea of movie night on Valentines Day. Unless the movie night features a romantic dinner, and then The Notebook, the Romeo and Juliet of dementia caregiver movies.

Normally I wouldn't be all rain-on-the-paradey like this, but there's so much fun to be had with the other suggestions understood as intended that we need not go for cheapies.

Sparky MacGyver February 14, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Sure, he sounds like a major league asshole… but he's definitely got a future in the Republican leadership. Watch your back, Vitter!

Loaded_Pants February 14, 2012 at 8:05 pm

What is this shit? It reads like some goddawful 1980s Esquire article only with worse spelling.

Beowoof February 14, 2012 at 8:08 pm

And don't forget a stack of singles to tip the help.

fuflans February 14, 2012 at 8:10 pm

it IS a great day in south carolina!

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Humor wks.
Try these !!!!!!!! http://www.jokejam.com/female_bashing_jokes.htm

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 8:32 pm

EXPLAIN THE CONTEXT !!!!!!!!!!!

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Uh Oh.

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Bookmarked.

CheeseNPear February 14, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Which of these do you think was the one that got him the harassment suit? Could someone please try each one and tell us how far they got before they were arrested?

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I notice no one's volunteering. Maybe over at RS? I understand those guys are totally into the New, Improved! Troglodyte Courtship methods over there.

rickmaci February 14, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Like this guy has a chance of getting a date with anyone other than a Reptardlican tranny or even Mann Coulter. But I repeat myself. He can't afford vowels, let alone spring for dinner and a gift. Loser.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:43 pm

"He can't afford vowels, let alone spring for dinner and a gift. Loser."

This would limit him to dating Sheila E.

fuflans February 14, 2012 at 8:14 pm

i like to fight on top of trains

you are a tub of mamma's little meathead lard. i would pay good money to see you fight on the top of a train.

Biff February 14, 2012 at 9:10 pm

The tunnel scene should be interesting.

Tundra Grifter February 14, 2012 at 8:15 pm

His previous girlfriend dumped him, as well. Asked why, she replied "Viers to the right."

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 10:51 pm

**rimshot**

Try the veal!

Abernathy February 14, 2012 at 8:17 pm

The buddy who shows up at opportune moments to compliment you on your crimefighting will come especially handy when the cops are arresting you for harassment.

fuflans February 14, 2012 at 8:17 pm

oh and here's fun!

boob jobs and controversial bbq magnates (are there any other kind??) and christmas alone with tv dinner.

http://www.southcarolinatopblogs.com/FITSNews/201

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 8:24 pm

3)I never cherished you as a loving woman; someone who should have been my #1 priority and been showered with love. Instead I got caught up in my own world and stopped giving you the attention our love needed.

He should have given her some cheap gas station wine and asked her "how r u feeling? How was wrk?" to really show that she was his #1 priority.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:45 pm

"controversial bbq magnates (are there any other kind??)"

No, and there never will be, until the great Tomato Sauce vs. Vinegar vs. Mustard issue is settled.

PuckStopsHere February 15, 2012 at 7:57 am

Viers – whose candidacy for the newly-drawn seventh congressional district was endorsed by S.C. Gov. Nikki Haley last August – dropped out of the race on Friday after Myrtle Beach police arrested him and charged with harassing Bessinger.

Nice endorsement, Guv-muh! Yet another well thought-out political move from Ms. Haley. Was she fucking this guy, too?

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 9:16 am

Good lord…that letter was one of the most cringe-worthy things I've ever read…and I write my own songs.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Believe me, I can't wash my brain often and hard enough to remove those ZOMG AAARGH!!

Chet Kincaid February 15, 2012 at 9:50 am

He really knows how to bring the pathetic:

I hope you and your family have a wonderful time, dinner, and Christmas. I will be doing the tv dinner thing since my mom and the dog are going out of town.

Also:

2)Instead of just being there to give the love and support you needed I would always try to just be Mr. Fix it and bulldoze over your emotions with solutions instead of truly understanding your feelings.

That's wrong?? I mean, she keeps talking over a key line of dialog on "Person Of Interest" so that you have to keep hitting the DVR back button!

Guppy February 14, 2012 at 8:17 pm

"Improve ur skills?"

I try not to leave the house and interact with other people much, so I have to ask: is this one of those self-styled "pickup artists" I've heard about on teh tubez?

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:45 pm

No, they're jerk-offs like this guy, but with a stupid fuzzy hat.

Joshua Norton February 14, 2012 at 8:19 pm

It's hard to get the first kiss right. You want to be manly but gentle, so you won't wake her up.

C_R_Eature February 14, 2012 at 8:20 pm

#11 WINE- Don't go to a gas station-but if u do-pickot the chepest& then try to sell it as expensive! It will improve ur skills. #sctweets

OK, this one, out of all of them, really got to me. Why ?

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I don't know what it means, so can't help.

C_R_Eature February 14, 2012 at 8:38 pm

I think I know why it's cracking me up (can't help you with the definition, though!)

1.) "Gas Station Wine" = Just so Romantic.

2.) I have a mental image of this smarmy greaseball valiantly trying to Upsell MD 20/20 at a crummy Formica tabled "Italian" Restaurant.

I think.

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Oh okay. Like at 7-11, or Harvey's Texaco and Juke Joint . I didn't get the connection.

So now I picture him at a Rest-Stop on I-95 , waving around the pint, hoping to find a date .

C_R_Eature February 14, 2012 at 9:03 pm

That's it! With the additional absurdity of pouring cheap wine into nicer empty bottle found on the side of the road.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:25 pm

"valiantly trying to Upsell MD 20/20 at a crummy Formica tabled "Italian" Restaurant."

It's the recommended choice for the specialty of the house, Spaghettios with cut-up hot dogs mixed in.

C_R_Eature February 14, 2012 at 11:31 pm

…and this is this Evening's Gold-Coloured 5-Pointed Threadwinning Star! Congratulations!

not that Dewey February 15, 2012 at 10:28 am

"We'll get a table near the street"

Sparky MacGyver February 14, 2012 at 8:31 pm

@thadviers: dnt quit yr day jb. U r nt a cmdian. U r an idiot. #sctweets

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 14, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Viers…Viers…I know that name from somewhere

Oh shit. Don't let him get near the deflector shield power generators!

chascates February 14, 2012 at 8:32 pm

South Carolina: the last citadel of romance.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:46 pm

I see what y'all done there.

ElPinche February 14, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Tad Vrs iz a r8pst

not that Dewey February 14, 2012 at 8:37 pm

How often does Thad Viers think about touching other people's private parts?

Jukesgrrl February 15, 2012 at 2:56 am

All of them, Katie.

Terry February 14, 2012 at 8:40 pm

In the linked article about his arrest, he said that he wasn't running for reelection for personal reasons.

Yeah, his arse was personally arrested.

Jukesgrrl February 15, 2012 at 2:57 am

4 al co lizm

WinterOuthouse February 14, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Well, fuck me blind!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 14, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Feh. This guy knows nothing about romance. Any fool knows that if you want GOOD dating advice, you get it from Aperture Labs

bagofmice February 14, 2012 at 8:56 pm

That's one way to fill those holes.

imissopus February 14, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Maybe #sctweets stands for sarcastic tweets? No, probably not.

imissopus February 14, 2012 at 9:04 pm

#15 – gt a mllt – biznss n frnt prty in bck so she knows u rck

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Also a tattoo, so that when you appear in public with your shirt off — which is all the time, because it's South Carolina — the rest of the NASCAR fans will be all like, "DUUUUUUUDE!!"

BigDumbRedDog February 14, 2012 at 9:06 pm

While UR @ the gas station, put sum antifreeze in the wine. Wrks evry time!

rocktonsam February 14, 2012 at 9:13 pm

A new asshole!

How refreshing.

Keep em coming!

elburritodeluxe February 14, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Im sorry for suggesting that Thad wasn't romantic. Check this out from his wikipedia entry!

In January 2012, Viers was arrested on charges of harassing a 28 year old woman described as an ex-girlfriend. He was released on a $5000 bond and subsequently withdrew his bid for GOP nomination to the US Congress from South Carolina's 7th congressional district, citing "personal reasons". In 2006, Viers had been charged with threatening to "beat up" a man who was dating his estranged wife; he pled no-contest in that case and paid a fine of $500.

pinkocommi February 14, 2012 at 9:20 pm

‘Why Not Tke Ur Girl To a Strip Club’

This Republitard is displaying his family values…. The stripper is also his "niece."

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:28 pm

/Butt-head/
I see you're wearing braces…

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Somewhere, Smoove B is sick with envy.

cheetojeebus February 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm

How fucking helpful.

You know this douche keeps a journal.

Thursday: "Rt 13 near the Stuckeys, trannie hooker, always wears red boots. Hawt!"

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Shouldn't #9 read "I like to fight on top of trains and kill the Road Runner"?

SayItWithWookies February 14, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I can't believe y'all are criticizing this guy's dating advice — Mitt Romney used these techniques on Michigan and he's doing just gangbusters with them.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 9:42 pm

When my Cousin Garlic was a young single fella, he used to hang out in strip clubs. Once he asked one of the dancers out on a date, but cautioned her that if she were go to out with him, she'd have to quit her job, because he couldn't very well date a stripper.
Cousin Garlic is still smarter and more relationship savvy than Thad.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 10:27 pm

It took me five minutes to stop laughing. I will treasure that story forever.

Veritas78 February 14, 2012 at 9:43 pm

A lady's man with a restraining order? I'm taking notes.

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 9:44 pm

42m
#2 BANG BANG-taek hur 2 shooting range, ALFA DAWG! So rmantic
4 hur. #sctweets

horsedreamer_1 February 14, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Strip clubs are the new Appalachian Trail.

CapnFatback February 14, 2012 at 9:57 pm

#4 THE CARD. Don't Be GAY!

Well, fuck, there goes my whole angle.

IceCreamEmpress February 14, 2012 at 10:24 pm

I regret having invested in those "Be My Hag!" cards now…

bagofmice February 14, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Gay guys get all the boobs.

Mahousu February 14, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Is it true? Does it matter?

Looks like somebody's got his Fox News gig all lined up, once he gets out of office and/or jail.

Jukesgrrl February 14, 2012 at 10:00 pm

I have a feeling state representatives in South Carolina are comped at strip club buffets.

ttommyunger February 14, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Empty wagon always makes the most noise. True the first time I heard it in the 40's; true today.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 10:16 pm

#3: Personal hygiene is important, but so is politeness; so when cleaning your ears, use YOUR OWN truck keys.

Jukesgrrl February 15, 2012 at 3:00 am

You're really feelin this guy, tess. I'm worried about you.

owhatever February 14, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Hey, Thad. Thnx a lot for the tips. I took her to a strip joint, plied her with cheapo wine and she had a heckuva good time stuffing money in the g-strings of those oiled-up, gyrating hunks. I actually didn't enjoy it too much myself. She left with one of the dancers, some slippery dude named Anton. Are your rules different for Mother's Day?

littlebigdaddy February 14, 2012 at 10:29 pm

I bet anyone $10,000 that he has a t-shirt inscripted with "Mustache Rides 5 cents."

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 10:33 pm

What is this, a blizzard, that I can't have money in my pocket and people not talk about me? This world is a trip! I got this person over here talkin about me, this person over here talkin about me… Hey, listen, let me tell you something! It's my prerogative! I made this money, you didn't! Right, Thad? We outta here!

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 10:33 pm

I M drsed fr funeral. Thad Viers'.

carolinaswamp February 14, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Not to worry, Thad is heavily into very pious support for voter suppression bills. So, he does have serious stuff on his mind, sometimes.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 9:31 am

How many voters would he have to suppress to get himself elected, Katie?

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 10:56 pm

And, here I was like an idiot thinking that it was Virginia that was for lovers.

Keep fuckin' that chicken, South Crackalakee!

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Gggty.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 9:34 am

Highest win/letter ratio ever!

Barrelhse February 14, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I hope Thad gets an opportunity to enjoy the comments here.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm

In addition to all the other things wrong with Thad and his list… I could have happily gone the rest of my life without knowing that gas stations sold wine.

user-of-owls February 15, 2012 at 12:27 am

It's generally cheaper by the gallon than the gasoline. Tastes worse too.

not that Dewey February 15, 2012 at 8:27 am

Not only that, but the Vintner's names are so exotic — "Marathon", "Valero", "Pump-n-Save"

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 9:36 am

Think of it as antifreeze, colored differently.

C_R_Eature February 14, 2012 at 11:17 pm

#15: BE DIRECT: Tell me you Love me!

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Daddy did it better, dood.

C_R_Eature February 15, 2012 at 10:01 pm

You're needling me. Clever Cyborg!

I've seen Frank do this song live twice (with two bands) and have seen ZPZ do this song live twice and I'm of the opinion that they're both good. The interpretations are also so different as to make them two different songs, really.
I like the ZPZ one because the slower tempo works with this band, the video is pretty good (it's ripped from the DVD – looks like) and Scheila Gonzalez is just awesome.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 10:27 pm

I am. But all in good humour. I love to poke people just to check that they're awake. (Hugs the CREature)

Yes, that gal is awesome. She's got her timing down perfect, too. And the band is — how did the old man put it?

The band was tight
They did the bump together

C_R_Eature February 15, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Yeah, knew that. I wake up fast, always have.

If you haven't seen ZPZ and get the chance, jump at it. They're extraordinary.
Also just about the only folks who are performing Zappa now.

Sassomatic February 14, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Um, there was a sarcasm thing going on there. He means a "move night" is lame, and equates it with the equally not awesome idea of a strip club with a buffet. Am I the only one who understood that? Or maybe I'm supposed to pretend I don't actually get that? He was serious about "Don't be gay," though.

CapnFatback February 15, 2012 at 12:19 am

You're not the only one who seemingly managed to parse the tweet for sarcastic intent, but I submit that doing so shows real generosity on your (and Chich's) part. But, I'm a team player, so I'll offer Viers some tips of my own to help make sure the wisdom of his comedy tweeting reaches broader audiences:

#1 For starters, if equating "movie night" to "going to the strip club," why mention the buffet? A movie doesn't necessarily imply dinner. Now there's an imbalance of activity here, unless we're supposed to assume that copious amounts of popcorn is involved in watching the movie.

#2 Showing contrast between "movie night" and "strip club" could be handled with a simple "just" or "jst," as in "Why not tke ur girl to a strip club?" No room in the tweet? Drop the pointless "w/ a buffet"!

#3 Lose the "Great idea!" The contrast of "jst" will sell your sarcasm.

#4 And dammit, doesn't "movie night" refer to staying in to watch movies in the first place? What he apparently sees as a goddamned "exception" to "movie night" is exactly what "movie night" typically means! I've never heard people call going out to a theater "movie night."

#5 Style guide tip: When dealing with a character limit, words like "Why" can be reduced to "Y" without you having to pull the full Grassley. Do u h v it?

Gah, there's a market out there for Adult Education Tweet-writing courses. The money you can make from professional athletes alone!

Buckminster February 15, 2012 at 12:20 am

What a turd ! Any woman who would have him is brain dead.

Buckminster February 15, 2012 at 12:24 am

"In January 2012, Viers was arrested on charges of harassing a 28 year old woman described as an ex-girlfriend. He was released on a $5000 bond and subsequently withdrew his bid for GOP nomination to the US Congress from South Carolina's 7th congressional district, citing "personal reasons". In 2006, Viers had been charged with threatening to "beat up" a man who was dating his estranged wife; he pled no-contest in that case and paid a fine of $500."
The stupid is strong with this one.

user-of-owls February 15, 2012 at 12:25 am

After expressing disappointment that he had to drop out of the race, Viers noted:

… now is not the time. Instead, I will focus on building my law practice and advocating free market principles here in Horry County.

What a peach.

MadBrahms February 15, 2012 at 12:38 pm

"Whore Island Horry County? That exists?"

DerrickWildcat February 15, 2012 at 1:54 am

OT, but funny in a desperate kind of way.
Check out Newt's new head and his Coalition of Witch Burners. http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/meet-newt-ging

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender February 15, 2012 at 9:25 am

Oh, golly. With protectors like those, One-Man-One-Woman marriage is doomed.

"Marriage is a fine institution. But I don't know many people who want to live in an institution"– Groucho Marx

Chet Kincaid February 15, 2012 at 10:00 am

Newt's got that "I've fooled all you pious fuckers!" look on his face.

not that Dewey February 15, 2012 at 10:22 am

Kudos to Chris Moody of Yahoo! News:

Still, just to make sure we're clear: Chuck Norris doesn't join faith coalitions. Faith coalitions join Chuck Norris.

glamourdammerung February 15, 2012 at 2:22 am

So did he decline to run for reelection because of shame or because he realized that compared to South Carolina's Senators and last couple of governors, he is an amateur?

Just kidding, we all know conservatives or whatever they are calling themselves this week are incapable of the basic self awareness required to feel shame.

Negropolis February 15, 2012 at 7:32 am

OT: Romney's dumb ass is running the commercial he's been running against Newt for like forever here in Michigan. He's not just out of touch with the general feelings of America at the moment, but the actual race he's running in. The fucker is running a commercial in a state where he needs to beat Santorum against the guy last in the polls. I realize he'll eventually get to Santy, but he shouldn't even be running anything against Gingrich.

Steverino247 February 15, 2012 at 9:10 am

Mitt Romulan obviously wants Newt to drop out of the race in order to get his voters. He really needs someone to go away and Newt's the best choice since Paul can't quit because this is what he lives for and Santorum is insane.

Gainsbourg69 February 15, 2012 at 10:06 am

Like Thad Viers, loverboy deluxe, he's hoping that stomping on Newt while he's down will make the lady Michiganders think he's an alpha male and vote for him.

smoothmineral February 15, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Yeah, he is still bombing Newt in Arizona too. I think I remember them saying something on MSNBC about the Romney campaign not letting up on Newt this time so he has no chance of ever coming back.

SolitaireRose February 15, 2012 at 7:46 am

"I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too."

Jesus Mullet pictures for everyone!

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 9:16 am

Scouring in the front…crucifixion in the back.

DahBoner February 15, 2012 at 8:11 am

Married people are happier than Single people, because who wants to marry an unhappy person?

paris biltong February 15, 2012 at 8:39 am

Thanks everyone. Probably one of the funnier threads in recent memory.

bagofmice February 15, 2012 at 8:53 am

Santorum and the Gifts of Rape is an amazing band name.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 9:03 am

"Alpha male" my ass. In an actual wolf pack, this hyena would be killed and eaten.

elburritodeluxe February 15, 2012 at 9:14 am

Thank God there's a conservative family-values Republican representing that district. If it was a Democrat the tips would Valentine's Day Tips for pleasuring your same-sex spouse. And Reagan would not have approved.

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 9:17 am

Guys don't ever take your girl to the strip club… she will not only know where to find you but then the secret will be out on the best buffet in town.

(*bletch*)

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 9:28 am

Or… you could just dress up like a panda and hump racoons… 'cuz that is how Ricky Gervais rolls…

(greatest Daily Show interview ever)

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 9:34 am

But if I wear my funeral suit and she does push me in front of a bus (which she will if I act like this douche) what will I wear at the burial? Won't it get mussed?

Flitzy February 15, 2012 at 9:37 am

With all these nice tips coming in from Republicans, how long until David Vitter throws his hat in the ring and gives us some tips on how he enjoys the holiday?

I'm assuming he likes to pamper the one he loves?

jus_wonderin February 15, 2012 at 9:47 am

What a cad!

Gainsbourg69 February 15, 2012 at 10:08 am

Yeah, dude, cards are totally gay and she won't appreciate jewelry. Get her a set of tools and a 24 pack of Coors light instead.

MadBrahms February 15, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Tucker Max, U.S. Congress.

smoothmineral February 15, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I don't know if that list makes me lose more faith in men as a whole for being capable producing a specimen like him or women, for actually taking up with that creep.

Catabite February 15, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Not gonna lie, I love the phrase "renegade Christmas elf", although I don't believe that renegade means what he seems to think it means.

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Faggot about it.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Why, I have no idea what you are getting at; nor do I understand where you could have gotten the impression that we have actually done such things together in real life.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 9:12 pm

If you guys bat your eyelashes any harder you'll set up a breeze that's like to take down a couple mountains or bridges. I'll assume it was good for you two.

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 9:13 pm

and then a 1981 Pontiac Bonneville pulls up and flashes the lights at him

C_R_Eature February 14, 2012 at 9:23 pm

In faded Magnesia pink and Bondo, squatted way down on collapsed springs, white rag top patched with Duct Tape. The passenger door flies open with a rusty screech and Girlfriend's Incredibly Drunk Office Friend falls heavily out onto the parking lot.

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Our hero takes a hit of the MD and staggers to the car. The GIDOF is trying to climb up the car , but fails, and collapses back on the ground.
He offers her a swig, "Come here often, baby? My name is Thad."

edit: gotta git. Feel free to continue….anyone else around…..

C_R_Eature February 14, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Girlfriend opens driver's door (*screeeeech!*) runs around front of car, to help. She grabs the bottle away, takes a huge pull, grimaces. "What is this? Another Australian Table wine?"
Together, they manage to shovel bonelessly limp, giggling GIDOF in to the back seat.
Back in the front seat, Girlfriend, seeths."Our reservations are at 8, we don't have much time to drop Her at home and get across town." She slams the Bonneville in gear, fishtailing out of the lot, gravel flying "I hope you're not going to get us arrested like last Valentine's day! and no more Strippers, dammit!" "Aww Baby, you know You're the only one!" he says.
GIDOF begins retching in the back.

EDIT: Tune in again next time, folks for the further debauched adventures of Thad T. Viers, Private Detective, Public Douchebag!

Radiotherapy February 14, 2012 at 11:24 pm

19. Just because Glenn Beck got away with raping and murdering a girl in 1990, that does NOT make it OK.

tessiee February 14, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Voice-over: "Well, right about that time, Thad and them Duke boys were up to their old tricks. What they *didn't* know is that the Sheriff was parked behind the billboard, right outside the Gas'n'Go…"

MissTaken February 15, 2012 at 12:06 am

Oops…looks like our very thinly veiled secret has been discovered.

And yes, it was VERY good :)

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 12:09 am

Ah, thanks. And once again you were great.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 12:28 am

ZOMG. I am SO fucking happy for you two. (Hugs you both)

You wonderful people, you. BRB, I have something in my eye.

not that Dewey February 15, 2012 at 12:49 am

Not even a little convincing?

not that Dewey February 15, 2012 at 12:57 am

You're right. That does sound a little fishy.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 1:00 am

I dunno, ntD. That cardigan kinda totally blew your cover way before anything you said, yaknow.

C_R_Eature February 15, 2012 at 7:01 am

"Yee-ha" Sheriff yelled as he flipped on the cherries and floored the Dodge Interceptor. As the car hurtled out of the parking lot, Sheriff nearly romneys as he is almost run over by a truck.

not that Dewey February 15, 2012 at 8:22 am

You should see my slippers!

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I'm sure. (adjusts x-ray glasses)

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 1:24 pm

As always, I was teasing, dear. Let me know if I get to be too much. I've never had so much fun in my life as I do here, and I'd hate to upset anyone while having a good time. (Hugs Chichikovovich)

Chichikovovich February 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm

No offence taken. What would I be upset about? Sorry if my post unintentionally conveyed anything else. Lots of hugs, etc.—

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm

YEEEEEE … thump! thump!

(fading sirens in background; cut to squashed sherriff car, lights flickering weakly; pull out to truck taillights disappearing down a darkened road)

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 2:12 pm

That's "crabs," plural. Just bite them if you feel them between your teeth while munching on the ol' hair pie.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Not in the least, my friend. Not in the least.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Oh, I definitely intend to, dood.

Not too many people have the patience to perfect their technical skills to the level Frank demanded. I have never heard such incredibly tight playing before, and, frankly, never expect to again. Although I hope I'm wrong.

C_R_Eature February 15, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Robert Fripp/King Crimson were that tight, back in their day (if you could stand it).
Dweezil essentially remade his playing technique completely to be able to play these. Took him almost two hard years. I'm glad he did.

BTW: Here's a Tour Schedule. have at it.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Thank you very much for turning me on to more good music, CRE. Don't hold yourself back, if you can think of anything that might appeal, please, send it on. You can always find me at, one word, the political cat on gmail. My tastes are pretty eclectic — Zappa, Diamanda Galas, Chinese opera, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, the Dagar brothers, Sundanese music, Bob Marley, Incredible String Band, Gong (from the planet GONG!), Bob Dylan, French rappers, Dissidenten. Give me your all, fella.

Thanks for the tour schedule. I remember Frank in an interview talking about Dweezil as a guitar player and how different they were. (Sniff!) The world lost a great talent with his passing.

C_R_Eature February 15, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Oh, always happy to spread the joy. I'll sure do that.

Will leave you now with one more ZPZ- one of my favorites.

Grok this: Echinda's Arf.

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