UHH ...  4:05 pm February 14, 2012

A White House Staffer May Have His Fingers Amputated Because…?

by Jim Newell

Keep an eye on these shady-ass bunny furriesIs President Obama going around the White House residence smashing staffers’ fingers because his sheets didn’t have proper hospital corners? The only correct answer can be “yes,” because will you just look at what happened today: “A member of the White House household staff suffered an on-the-job injury Tuesday and may have lost some fingers.”

The Washington Post originally reported the story, and was told by D.C. Fire/EMS spokesman Lon Walls that the staffer was facing the “possible amputation of one or two fingers” and “was taken to Washington Hospital Center with injuries that were classified as life-threatening.”

“Possible amputation of one or two fingers” … “injuries classified as life-threatening” … hmm… is something not squaring up? (Of course it’s terrible either way!)

But here’s the latest, the cover-up perhaps, from an Obama administration official: “There was a minor injury with a member of the residence staff – an ambulance was called out of an abundance of caution.”

What the hell?

[Washington Post, Politico]

 

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{ 231 comments }

nounverb911 February 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Michelle caught the staffer with his hand in the cookie jar again?

flamingpdog February 14, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Or in Barry's front pocket?

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Do not – repeat DO NOT – let Michelle catch you sneaking a cookie before supper.

Dashboard Buddha February 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm

It's possible that Barry caught the staffer trying to open Michelle's cookie jar if you get me meaning, if you catch my drift.

starfanglednut February 14, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Dr_Zoidberg February 15, 2012 at 9:32 am

Is she a goer?

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Beat her in a push-up challenge

heathenette February 14, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Got beat arm wrestling.

OC_Surf_Serf February 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Wanted to emulate Rahm and then become the next Mayor of Chicago?

OC_Surf_Serf February 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm

This is just more of Saul Alinsky's tactics inside the White House…

BornInATrailer February 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Do not try to take away his smokes right now. Not until Santorum or Gingrich gets the nomination.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Has Bo been a very bad dog?

emmelemm February 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Not an entirely unplausible option.

ETA: I love dogs. I'm not vilifying dogs.

Negligently_Joe February 14, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Then allow me:

NOBOBAMA

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 4:58 pm

You try to play "pull my finger" with Bo you get what you deserve.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:31 pm

In Bo's defense, he DUZN'T HAZ teh opposable fumbs.

A puppy gotta pull wiv wut a puppy gotta pull.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Woof?

arcadesproject February 14, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Does Bo have fingers?

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 7:04 pm

He does now.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Here DC, you can have this finger of mine…….

flamingpdog February 14, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Jeez, Barb, isn't donating your uterus enough for one week?

Barb February 14, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I agree! I would like my finger back, please.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:31 pm

ZOMG, she's awake, the meds have worn off. RUN!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Hobbes, I am in charge of the baked potato portion of V Day dinner and I can't muster the strength to do it.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Then don't do it, sweetie. You lost the equivalent of half a person's worth of blood. The other half is gonna have to rest till it returns. Jeffer can do the potato.

Pres.Beeblebrox February 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Politico has once again WON THE DAY with their hard-hitting, incisive coverage of a White House stapler accident.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Needs MOAR blood, gore, broken bones, and rampaging violent negroes. Uppitty, also. Too.

Jukesgrrl February 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Who else lost something really important at the White House?

Bezoar February 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Now, that's funny.

nounverb911 February 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Monica Lewinsky?

Schmannnity February 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Jenna Bush?

Jukesgrrl February 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I'd say the entire Bush family lost their dignity.

nounverb911 February 14, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Did they ever have any?

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:33 pm

You would, but you'd be wrong. Those skanks never had a shred of it.

Wut? I've seen Jenna's coochie on the InnerNetz fer crisake.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 14, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Religiousness win! If she bared it for Christ's sake, you see.

Pres.Beeblebrox February 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Dick Nixon?
Betty Ford?
Sally Hemings?
William Henry Harrison? (his life)

Jukesgrrl February 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I'll answer my own question.

"That evening, Alford—who had never had a boyfriend—was surprised when White House aide David Powers plied her with drinks, and stunned when JFK offered her a private tour of the residence. Moments later, she says, the president pushed her down onto his wife’s bed, pulled off her underwear, and unceremoniously deflowered her." [From Newsweek]

Although on second thought, it beats the back seat of some crappy car.

HipHop0Potamus February 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

In all fairness, as a woman, she should have expected to be raped.

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Just because some women get raped too much, is no reason to allow them in the White House. Or something.

RedneckMuslin February 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Well, Jackie had that botched abortion but I'll go with Lil' Willie Lincoln.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Well Ronald Reagan lost his mind.

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Important, SB. The lady said "important", not impotent.

Rotundo_ February 14, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Well the spongiform deterioration and plaque greatly reduced the functional capacity of it, he still had a mind of sorts. Something like a chicken or perhaps a goose or something similar if compared mass to mass. But he was still housetrained up until leaving office, and a ways afterwards so there is that. But he didn't lose it all. JFK on the other hand…

Numbat_Dundee February 14, 2012 at 5:59 pm

And Clinton lost a part of his anatomy as well – albeit a liquid part.

Gratuitous World February 14, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Kal Penn?

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm

America, on Jan 20, 2001.

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 4:32 pm

The Clinton's lists of "People to Be Killed" and "People We Killed"?

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Dolly Madison?

Biff February 14, 2012 at 5:12 pm

And here I thought James Guckert and possibly Jenna Bush were the only ones to lose their virginity at the White House.

C_R_Eature February 14, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Rose Mary Woods?

…or, was that her Boss?

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 11:14 pm

William Henry Harrison?

Pat_Pending February 15, 2012 at 12:12 am

I think Alice Roosevelt Longworth lost her sense of purpose…

Schmannnity February 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I would stay away from the stew at lunch today.

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

"Pull my finger. OWWW! Not that hard!!!"

Sassomatic February 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Do NOT flip off the FLOTUS.

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

History's Greatest Monster strikes again.

Gratuitous World February 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Please be Vagina Dentata! Please be Vagina Dentata!!!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Circle of life, ya know. Someone at the White House loses a few fingers and Boehner has a few fingers of scotch. It all works out in the end where men are going to have a few fingers in their tushie for asking for Viagra.

Happy Valentine's Day, bitches!

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I do not want to think about someone fingering Boehner.

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 4:33 pm

He has a smoke before, during, and after the fingering. Then he cries.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Funny, most men enjoy a bit of finger on their Boehner.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Especially when those fingers are talented, yes. But just imagine what Boehner's must be like, all orange and leathery.

ItsMrTheOwl2You February 14, 2012 at 5:13 pm

<Runs off to get the Brain Bleach and scrub brush> No, no, go to the happy place – the one with Weiner's weiner. Run!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I'm having a painkiller-induced fantasy right now of Boehner, Eric Cantor and an out-of-control Buick, causing them an auto-body experience.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 7:08 pm

I wuz gonna say "You'll never top 'taste her arterial spray,' Barb," but I think you just did.

I can haz ur drugs?

Loaded_Pants February 14, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Was it like the movie "Crash"? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crash_(1996_film)

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Happy VD to you too, Barb!

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Wow. Must be good meds!

Mumbletypeg February 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

A Very Brady Bunnicula After-School Special… stay tuned…

ETA: what in the hiddly-hoo. My pee just bumped a notch. If that's my Valentine surprize for the day (or the year, more likely), I'll take it.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:36 pm

ZOMG, I loved the Bunnicula series!

weej_bain February 14, 2012 at 6:03 pm

If there's a perp walk for Bunnicula will the celery stalk at midnight?

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Chester the cat trying to pound the stolen steak through Bunnicula's heart had me alternately peeing my pants and LOLing.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Congratulations on your p-points going up. You deserve it.

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I knew Obama was a Muslim!!

anniegetyerfun February 14, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Wouldn't that be the whole hand? Are you suggesting he's an incompetent Muslim?

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 11:39 pm

No, he's the worst kind of Muslin; he's a liberal Muslin…and, yes, they do exist.

KeepFnThatChicken February 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Is Barack Obama gonna have to cut a bitch?

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Apparently.

bikerlaureate February 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

We need to know which fingers in order to snark with the greatest efficacy.

(Srsly, all good wishes to the staffer. If such an accident has to happen, this is arguably at one of the best places for it to occur…)

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Yeah, he's got health care and access to some of the finest hospitals.

meatlofer February 14, 2012 at 4:13 pm

That shit happens to me all the time.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Say! Just *how many* fingers do ya got anyway, ya commie!

Schmannnity February 14, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Enhanced interrogation–it's not just for Guantanamo anymore.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 14, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Let's just say no one flips off the president. K?

nounverb911 February 14, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Sounds like a bad Yakuza movie to me.

GOPCrusher February 14, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Kill Bill Vol. 3

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Zatoichi!

imissopus February 14, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Great, the nuts already think Obama is a Kenyan Fascist Communist Muslim Nazi Chicago Union Thug. Now we have to add Yakuza Gangster to that list?

Angry_Marmot February 14, 2012 at 8:21 pm

So that's why they call Rahm Emanuel "Old Stumpy" these days.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I suggest avoiding all veggies from Michelle's organic garden for the foreseeable future.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 4:22 pm

So you don't want finger food?

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Only if they're finger-licking good.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Some chicken-fried fingers can make a nice side dish for our barbecued fetus.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I don't like barbecued fetus, too rubbery. I like my fetus lightly sauteed with garlic and olive oil.

But I do enjoy some chicken-fried fingers with ranch, hold the ketchup.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:38 pm

It's fine to take 'em, just ask *permission* first.

You saw what just happened to the guy with the flies.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

That was the name of my first girl. Abundance O. Caution. My ex-wife and I felt strongly that a child's name can have lifelong consequences.

Of course, my exes name; Slutty U. Takeme, might have been telling had it not been for the vodka.

Crank_Tango February 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I have an ancestor from not long after pilgrim times that was named Freelove. I really want to bring that one back into style…

slowhansolo February 14, 2012 at 4:17 pm

That's what should have happened to Jan Brewer.

GOPCrusher February 14, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Barry should've bit that finger off and spit it back in her leathery face.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Really hope it wasn't the thumb.

CapnFatback February 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I would upfist you for that comment, but, you know . . .

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Certainly hope it wasn't; there's so much a person can do with their thumb if they know how to use it right.

GOPCrusher February 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm

That's what separates us from the animals.

owhatever February 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Malia did it.

horsedreamer_1 February 14, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Upset over having to wear braces?

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Fucking paper cuts are America's Secret Killer.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Cue Sally Struthers.

Designer_Rants February 14, 2012 at 8:13 pm

For less than the cost of a cup of coffee…

James Michael Curley February 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Crappy Car! A 1961 Lincoln Continental Limo with Suicide Doors. Probably the same car the staffer got his fingers caught in. "S'cuse Mr. President, let my get that door for you and the young lady."

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Hey, when the President wants you to hold the elevator, you got to hold the elevator. Am I right?

YasserArraFeck February 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Tonight on FOX NEWS – White House staffer gets between Angry Black Woman and her fried chicken'n'dumplin's!!!1! Injuries Reported!!1!

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:40 pm

AngryBlackLady is on Line 2, Yasser.

YasserArraFeck February 14, 2012 at 6:30 pm

……..(oh, crap………)……

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 4:22 pm

……..in the Oval Office………..

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 4:30 pm

… with the candlestick!

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 11:49 pm

…on the Resolute desk.

flamingpdog February 14, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Newell, I hope you come back with an update to this story when you've finally fingered out what is really going on.

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Rahm needs a new one.

ItsMrTheOwl2You February 14, 2012 at 5:15 pm

But he took an extra one too, just in case. Driver, to the Bat Cave!

ItsMrTheOwl2You February 14, 2012 at 4:24 pm

A staffer loses two fingers and Bo only has one side of his body groomed and clipped. Coincidence? I think not.

Don't F%ck with the FDOTUS. He'll F&ck you up.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 5:49 pm

"Bo only has one side of his body groomed and clipped."

Oh, I am praying it is the left.

hagajim February 14, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Poor bastard was asked to go out and check which way public sentiment was blowing and a tea bagger blew his finger off.

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. That rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer! It'll do you a trick, mate!

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Poor White House staffer counted to four, before throwing the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

Jukesgrrl February 14, 2012 at 4:53 pm

You're correct to say that's no ordinary rabbit. That's Jimmy Carter's killer rabbit.

For the many who were not alive back in the days of yore: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/950/what

ttommyunger February 14, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Run away, run away!

Chillwillard February 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm

It's official: Sharia Law has come to the White House! Stonings begin next week…

Sparky MacGyver February 14, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Just because it's not true doesn't mean I can't be outraged! Time to mass email everyone!

Radiotherapy February 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm

The oldest Alinsky method in the book.

Come here a minute February 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Until we hear more details, we will have to assume that Bo chewed off a staffer's arm up to the elbow.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 4:30 pm

I wonder if the staffer, realising the injury, but somewhat in shock said "I believe we have a problem, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

Barrelhse February 14, 2012 at 5:16 pm

His face rings a bell.

Negligently_Joe February 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I blame Rahm "The Mayor of Chicago" Emmanuel, personally.

ItsMrTheOwl2You February 14, 2012 at 5:17 pm

No need to be formal, Joe. Please, just call him Your Honor.

mavenmaven February 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Someone has teeth where they aren't supposed to, apparently.

Tommy1733 February 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm

This coverup looks like the handiwork (snicker) of the nefarious Illuminati Obama-Pelosi Shadow Rwandan FEMA Collective.

Rosie_Scenario February 14, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Okay. Why does the screen keep jumping when you click to post a comment or click to see replies? It is annoying. Please fix. For Valentine's Day? Or just for Wednesday? Thanks.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Mine does that on occasion. I think I closed the browser (Exploder) and linked up again. Not sure though.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 5:09 pm

A few other people have mentioned this problem, and it seems they were all using IE.

GunToting[Redacted] February 14, 2012 at 5:21 pm

IE still exists?

Biff February 14, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Not as extreme as others have described it, on FF here.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Switch to Firefox.

banana_bread February 15, 2012 at 2:19 pm

That happens to me on the iPad if I click the "read more" link. I can only read comments if I remember to click the article title instead. Very annoying.

MadBrahms February 14, 2012 at 4:40 pm

An abundance of caution! A veritable cornucopia of measured concern! It's good to know that in a country where everyone is broke, unemployed, and forced to resort to trolling CPAC for sex just to give some meaning to their hollow lives, our nervous nelly cup overfloweth.

anniegetyerfun February 14, 2012 at 6:04 pm

By "abundance of caution", what they meant is "We know Fox News will jump all the fuck over this story, and if we didn't send the staffer to the hospital, they would be all 'Oh, the administration is TOO GOOD for America's ambulances. Of course, now that we did send him, they're going to fucking bitch and moan about rising health care costs. You know what, FUCK ALL OF YOU FUCK YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL."

Mahousu February 14, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Turns out it was a Chinese finger trap. They couldn't figure it out, and thought they'd have to amputate, until somebody thought to look up the Wikipedia entry.

Wikipedia: it's not just for homework anymore.

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 4:44 pm

“A member of the White House household staff suffered an on-the-job injury Tuesday and may have lost some fingers.”

In other news, Orly Taitz nearly broke her ankle trying to get to the airport for a flight to DC where she is scheduled to meet with an unidentified White House staffer about their PI lawsuit.

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 4:47 pm

So, Staffer, how often do you think about touching other people's private parts?

*WHACK*

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Oh sure! You let Gov. Brewer shove her meatstick in your face, but your own Chief of Staff????

Guppy February 14, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I thought Rahm of the Nine Fingers left for Chicago a while back.

anniegetyerfun February 14, 2012 at 6:02 pm

OK, beat me to it by an hour.

orygoon February 14, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Someone wanted to fill his shoes gloves.

Jukesgrrl February 14, 2012 at 4:53 pm

What does Liz Trotta have to say?

not that Dewey February 14, 2012 at 6:04 pm

She does not go by "Liz". Where did you get your information?

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Whoever told you that, is not your friend.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 6:06 pm

The White House never used to lose fingers, until they got all those hand surgeons and physical therapy people around.

5thstate February 14, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Something like: When you work in close proximity to an uppity Kenyan Marxist witch doctor, you are bound to lose some fingers to his rapacious gleaming white teeth–he needs the blood to sacrifice to Paul Alinsk and the bones to divine how best to destroy America with solar panels and high speed trains. It's perfectly normal behavior!

Jukesgrrl February 15, 2012 at 3:20 am

You speak Liztrotta.Scary.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Did you see how that finger was dressed? It was asking for it.

Respitetini February 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm

It's Vince Foster all over again. But with fingers! And solar panels! Or something!
(psst! Buy gold!)

gullywompr February 14, 2012 at 4:57 pm

These are not minor injuries you're looking for. Move along.

chascates February 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Not only is Obama an atheist muslim socialist he also is a Japanese mob boss! One of those where if you disappoint the 'boss' you have to cut off a finger!!!!

If the House GOP worked that way there wouldn't be anyone left who could pick up a bribe.

Biff February 14, 2012 at 5:50 pm

I kinda remember a TV episode about a smoking cessation program wherein if you failed, you lost a finger. Night Gallery, maybe?

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 6:35 pm

It was a Fox News exposé of the Surgeon General's office under Obama.

CapnFatback February 14, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Poor safety training; fingers get lost. Sounds like someone could use a couple pointers.

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 5:20 pm

D'Oh!

CapnFatback February 14, 2012 at 5:30 pm

My only regret is that I didn't think of it sooner.

johnnymeatworth February 14, 2012 at 5:03 pm

FINGERGATE!!!!!!

valthemus February 15, 2012 at 2:35 am

Or perhaps simply "Fingers-caught-in-gate". Ouchie!

elburritodeluxe February 14, 2012 at 5:08 pm

No surprise. Sharia law allows for this.

Naked_Bunny February 14, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I finally got my photo in Wonkette. And my best side, too!

CapnFatback February 14, 2012 at 5:10 pm

You capitulated and put on a vest, huh?

flamingpdog February 14, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Sweater vest? I smell a rabbit rat!

Naked_Bunny February 14, 2012 at 6:03 pm

It was a formal occasion! Also, pockets for condoms, in case I met conservative ladies.

Biff February 14, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I'm picturing a kitchen staffer, a la Julia Child.

flamingpdog February 14, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Not gonna watch it. Don't wanna attract too much attention to my cubicle.

rickmaci February 14, 2012 at 5:32 pm

The whole cutting off fingers thing is so Godfather. Much less messy to just waterboard them.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 5:37 pm

The sad part, the staffer can no longer clutch their pearls in horror at an incident like this.

Buckminster February 14, 2012 at 5:53 pm

What the sam hill?

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 5:59 pm

This aggression will not stand, man.

anniegetyerfun February 14, 2012 at 6:01 pm

This is the kind of thing I was hoping to hear about, all over Washington, when Rahm Emanuel was around. I don't think he busted a single kneecap during his tenure.

notreelyhelping February 14, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Paper shredders take no prisonsers.

MadBrahms February 14, 2012 at 6:12 pm

If this is true, the final weeks of the bush administration must have been dark days for manicurists everywhere.

orygoon February 14, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Some staffer is going to have to change his name and move away because of the embarrassment.

DO NOT ASK how I know about such things.

glamourdammerung February 14, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Sounds like everyone is going to heed the sign above the hole in the wall that says "Do not insert finger" in the future.

MadBrahms February 14, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Oddly enough, there are no such signs in Rick Santorum's office.

glamourdammerung February 14, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Because those holes are not for fingers. Duh.

Tilley February 14, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I miss Kourtney.

chascates February 14, 2012 at 6:12 pm

One of Newt Gingrich's 'Big Ideas' from CPAC:
Between UPS and FedEx, we track 24 million packages a day while they’re moving and we allow you to find out where they are for free. That’s the world that works. Now here’s the world that fails: The federal government today cannot find 11 million illegal immigrants even if they’re sitting still.
Now, I have a simple proposal: We send a package to everyone who’s here illegally and when it’s delivered, we pull it up in a computer, we know where they are.
http://www.alternet.org/teaparty/154128/the_5_stu

BigDumbRedDog February 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I have better ideas than that after smoking a bowl. Perhaps I should run for the republican nomination.

Sparky MacGyver February 14, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Can they be insanely racist ideas? If so, you've got a future.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Every time I try to read this, my brain farts, chas.

MilwaukeeKent February 14, 2012 at 8:55 pm

What's really amazing about that ability of UPS and Fed Ex is that all those packages are trying really hard not to be found.

HogeyeGrex February 14, 2012 at 6:16 pm

So is the staffer going to apologize for embarrassing the White House because he shouldn't have been in the way of that shotgun he stuck his fingers in the wrong First Lady?

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 14, 2012 at 6:41 pm

If Obama was smart, he would tell the Republicans "Pass some tax increases, or this is what happens!"

SaintRond February 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm

It was a hapless waiter who's been working at the White House for more than 35 years. He asked the First Lady what she wanted for dinner and she told him, "Surprise us."

The poor waiter, quite understandably surprised the first family with a chicken dinner and when Mrs. Obama saw it she whipped her head around and bit the man, snapping off his fingers.

They can try to cover it up all they want, but that's what happened.

Tilley February 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm

I didn't read through all the comments because I'm now a WORKING WOMAN and I'm exhausted and suffering from a motherfucking herniated disc in my neck, but: Has no one asked yet who the heck is that walking around with the giant bunny? The rear view of the hair-do suggests Donald "Short-Fingered Vulgarian" Trump. And what's with the shrouded shrubs, or whatever? Or am I hallucinating from too much hydrocodone washed down with Valentine's Day champagne? Oh God please just take me now. Happy Hearts to you crazy Wonketeers! [thunk, as head hits floor]

Biff February 14, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Congrats on the job, I guess?

Tilley February 15, 2012 at 4:44 am

Oh yes definitely. I love it — best jerb EVER.

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I thought it was Newell.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 7:03 pm

ZOMG, you poor babe! (fans Tilley)

You got health care now, right? I hear acupuncture's really good for that shit and if not, there's a new technique that just came on the market, maybe I'll go do something useful for a change and look it up for you. Did you call your advice nurse or doctor or whatever a person has to do these days? Did they recommend ice or heat? Because those are surprisingly effective, even more so than drugs for some kinds of injuries. I'll find you and update you if I find helpful info.

Tilley February 15, 2012 at 4:46 am

Yes thank heavens, one reason I took the job while those around me are losing theirs and/or RETIRING (pussies): beautiful beautiful health insurance. Too bad it doesn't kick in for another month. Just my luck. Anyway, had an MRI, which was psychedelic and not in a good way, referred to a neurosurgeon who reminded me of Rip Torn and again not in a good way, so am giving physical therapy a try starting next week. If that doesn't work I'm considering a neck-ectomy.

MittBorg February 15, 2012 at 1:00 pm

No neck-ectomies! NOOOO!!

I'll be back with information, I promise!~ (Hugs the poor aching soul)

orygoon February 14, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I used to think "pain in the neck" was just a silly saying, and then I got cervical-spine arthritis. And yes, working is what makes it hurt (bike riding also, wah), but whacha gonna do? Fortunately I too have a doc who is good with the prescription pad, but I'd rather have my old younger neck back. Also, swimming helps.

Congrats about having a jerb.

Tilley February 15, 2012 at 4:48 am

Hurts like hell, don't it? I'd almost rather go through "natural childbirth" again.

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Apparently you've never actually been to the White House, have you.

spinozasgod February 14, 2012 at 11:34 pm

well, if you happen to be working at the white house and you took too much hydrocodone you may want to count your fingers…….are you sure you are at home and not at the hospital?

flamingpdog February 14, 2012 at 11:49 pm

I thought it was Trump when I saw it, too also. But I'll be happy to help you finish off the hydrocodone if you're still worried about hallucinating.

Tilley February 15, 2012 at 4:48 am

Sorry, NO SHARING, plus I finished it off last night.

orygoon February 15, 2012 at 10:56 am

My wonderful Orygun neighbor got cancer and most unfortunately didn't make it. But she was pretty much ever cheerful and–damn, I miss her. Anyway, she got fabjulous drugs. I'd say how about I take a few of those off your poor hands, and she'd give me A Look, and I'd whine "where's the SHARE in Sharon?", which was her name, and I thought I was being clever, but she said her mom said that all the time and gave me about the best eyeroll ever. Bless you forever, Cherie…

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I think Mahousu had it right on the first page with the finger trap…..there were Chi-Coms at the WH today.

Biff February 14, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Brightfart on The Young Turks. For fuck's sake, what a cunt!

40 or 50 % McShineys February 14, 2012 at 8:13 pm

This Department Has Gone 1121 0 Days Without A Lost Time Accident

fuflans February 14, 2012 at 8:28 pm

this is all very weird and not very interesting except for the poor fellow who was injured. i am sure it will occupy the wingtards right up thru november.

CivicHoliday February 14, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Hazing courtesy of Rahm Emmanuel

horsedreamer_1 February 14, 2012 at 9:51 pm

As with Ween, the White House domestic staff cannot put a finger on it.

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Wait a minute, was Lorena Bobbitt there today?

ttommyunger February 14, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Rep. Issa announces full investigation of this incident in 3-2-1-

Slim_Pickins February 14, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Allah must be appeased.

Negropolis February 15, 2012 at 12:01 am

Also, the Tree of Liberty. Also. Too. Tambien.

Boojum_Reborn February 14, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Fingers are on, fingers are off. No one can explain it.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 11:15 pm

I'm just surprised there wasn't a "foot broken off in ass" injury given that the First Family is so Blah and all.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Obama vowed the day that Jan Brewer stuck her decrepit digit in his face that he'd never let anyone do it, again. Today, we see the severe and uncompromising results of such a vow.

BTW, this is exactly why Newt Gingrich would use child laborers in his White House.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 12:28 am

Losing smaller fingers is a smaller problem, by definition.

trondant February 15, 2012 at 12:17 am

I love it that Jim's important typing on this breaking news story has been cited at one of Amurricah's most important credulous websites.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 1:06 am

This is Michelle's fault. Choppin' all those veggies is dangerous work, and someone was bound to get hurt.

arihaya February 15, 2012 at 2:59 am

did Cheney came to visit and have a snack?

johnnyzhivago February 15, 2012 at 7:58 am

You're not supposed to touch "Washington's Credit Card" without protective clothing, gloves, etc… it's so hot from being swiped so often it will burn your fingers off.

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 9:39 am

That's what happens when you try sneaking in cigs and twinkies…

HolyCow!! February 15, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Every time a staffer leaks a story, Obama cuts off a finger.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Well, Christ might have something to say about that. Along the lines of, you know, cover up that thang.

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