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A White House Staffer May Have His Fingers Amputated Because…?

Keep an eye on these shady-ass bunny furriesIs President Obama going around the White House residence smashing staffers’ fingers because his sheets didn’t have proper hospital corners? The only correct answer can be “yes,” because will you just look at what happened today: “A member of the White House household staff suffered an on-the-job injury Tuesday and may have lost some fingers.”

The Washington Post originally reported the story, and was told by D.C. Fire/EMS spokesman Lon Walls that the staffer was facing the “possible amputation of one or two fingers” and “was taken to Washington Hospital Center with injuries that were classified as life-threatening.”

“Possible amputation of one or two fingers” … “injuries classified as life-threatening” … hmm… is something not squaring up? (Of course it’s terrible either way!)

But here’s the latest, the cover-up perhaps, from an Obama administration official: “There was a minor injury with a member of the residence staff – an ambulance was called out of an abundance of caution.”

What the hell?

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[Washington Post, Politico]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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231 comments

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      It's possible that Barry caught the staffer trying to open Michelle's cookie jar if you get me meaning, if you catch my drift.

  1. BornInATrailer

    Do not try to take away his smokes right now. Not until Santorum or Gingrich gets the nomination.

      1. Barb

        Hobbes, I am in charge of the baked potato portion of V Day dinner and I can't muster the strength to do it.

        1. MittBorg

          Then don't do it, sweetie. You lost the equivalent of half a person's worth of blood. The other half is gonna have to rest till it returns. Jeffer can do the potato.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I'll answer my own question.

      "That evening, Alford—who had never had a boyfriend—was surprised when White House aide David Powers plied her with drinks, and stunned when JFK offered her a private tour of the residence. Moments later, she says, the president pushed her down onto his wife’s bed, pulled off her underwear, and unceremoniously deflowered her." [From Newsweek]

      Although on second thought, it beats the back seat of some crappy car.

        1. Generation[redacted]

          Just because some women get raped too much, is no reason to allow them in the White House. Or something.

      1. Rotundo_

        Well the spongiform deterioration and plaque greatly reduced the functional capacity of it, he still had a mind of sorts. Something like a chicken or perhaps a goose or something similar if compared mass to mass. But he was still housetrained up until leaving office, and a ways afterwards so there is that. But he didn't lose it all. JFK on the other hand…

    2. Biff

      And here I thought James Guckert and possibly Jenna Bush were the only ones to lose their virginity at the White House.

  2. Barb

    Circle of life, ya know. Someone at the White House loses a few fingers and Boehner has a few fingers of scotch. It all works out in the end where men are going to have a few fingers in their tushie for asking for Viagra.

    Happy Valentine's Day, bitches!

        1. SorosBot

          Especially when those fingers are talented, yes. But just imagine what Boehner's must be like, all orange and leathery.

          1. ItsMrTheOwl2You

            <Runs off to get the Brain Bleach and scrub brush> No, no, go to the happy place – the one with Weiner's weiner. Run!

      1. Barb

        I'm having a painkiller-induced fantasy right now of Boehner, Eric Cantor and an out-of-control Buick, causing them an auto-body experience.

  3. Mumbletypeg

    A Very Brady Bunnicula After-School Special… stay tuned…

    ETA: what in the hiddly-hoo. My pee just bumped a notch. If that's my Valentine surprize for the day (or the year, more likely), I'll take it.

  4. bikerlaureate

    We need to know which fingers in order to snark with the greatest efficacy.

    (Srsly, all good wishes to the staffer. If such an accident has to happen, this is arguably at one of the best places for it to occur…)

    1. imissopus

      Great, the nuts already think Obama is a Kenyan Fascist Communist Muslim Nazi Chicago Union Thug. Now we have to add Yakuza Gangster to that list?

          1. MissTaken

            I don't like barbecued fetus, too rubbery. I like my fetus lightly sauteed with garlic and olive oil.

            But I do enjoy some chicken-fried fingers with ranch, hold the ketchup.

  5. jus_wonderin

    That was the name of my first girl. Abundance O. Caution. My ex-wife and I felt strongly that a child's name can have lifelong consequences.

    Of course, my exes name; Slutty U. Takeme, might have been telling had it not been for the vodka.

    1. Crank_Tango

      I have an ancestor from not long after pilgrim times that was named Freelove. I really want to bring that one back into style…

    1. SorosBot

      Certainly hope it wasn't; there's so much a person can do with their thumb if they know how to use it right.

  6. James Michael Curley

    Crappy Car! A 1961 Lincoln Continental Limo with Suicide Doors. Probably the same car the staffer got his fingers caught in. "S'cuse Mr. President, let my get that door for you and the young lady."

  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Hey, when the President wants you to hold the elevator, you got to hold the elevator. Am I right?

  8. YasserArraFeck

    Tonight on FOX NEWS – White House staffer gets between Angry Black Woman and her fried chicken'n'dumplin's!!!1! Injuries Reported!!1!

  9. flamingpdog

    Newell, I hope you come back with an update to this story when you've finally fingered out what is really going on.

  10. ItsMrTheOwl2You

    A staffer loses two fingers and Bo only has one side of his body groomed and clipped. Coincidence? I think not.

    Don't F%ck with the FDOTUS. He'll F&ck you up.

  11. hagajim

    Poor bastard was asked to go out and check which way public sentiment was blowing and a tea bagger blew his finger off.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. That rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer! It'll do you a trick, mate!

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Poor White House staffer counted to four, before throwing the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

  13. Come here a minute

    Until we hear more details, we will have to assume that Bo chewed off a staffer's arm up to the elbow.

  14. jus_wonderin

    I wonder if the staffer, realising the injury, but somewhat in shock said "I believe we have a problem, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

  15. Tommy1733

    This coverup looks like the handiwork (snicker) of the nefarious Illuminati Obama-Pelosi Shadow Rwandan FEMA Collective.

  16. Rosie_Scenario

    Okay. Why does the screen keep jumping when you click to post a comment or click to see replies? It is annoying. Please fix. For Valentine's Day? Or just for Wednesday? Thanks.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Mine does that on occasion. I think I closed the browser (Exploder) and linked up again. Not sure though.

    2. banana_bread

      That happens to me on the iPad if I click the "read more" link. I can only read comments if I remember to click the article title instead. Very annoying.

  17. MadBrahms

    An abundance of caution! A veritable cornucopia of measured concern! It's good to know that in a country where everyone is broke, unemployed, and forced to resort to trolling CPAC for sex just to give some meaning to their hollow lives, our nervous nelly cup overfloweth.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      By "abundance of caution", what they meant is "We know Fox News will jump all the fuck over this story, and if we didn't send the staffer to the hospital, they would be all 'Oh, the administration is TOO GOOD for America's ambulances. Of course, now that we did send him, they're going to fucking bitch and moan about rising health care costs. You know what, FUCK ALL OF YOU FUCK YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL."

  18. chicken_thief

    “A member of the White House household staff suffered an on-the-job injury Tuesday and may have lost some fingers.”

    In other news, Orly Taitz nearly broke her ankle trying to get to the airport for a flight to DC where she is scheduled to meet with an unidentified White House staffer about their PI lawsuit.

    1. Chichikovovich

      The White House never used to lose fingers, until they got all those hand surgeons and physical therapy people around.

    2. 5thstate

      Something like: When you work in close proximity to an uppity Kenyan Marxist witch doctor, you are bound to lose some fingers to his rapacious gleaming white teeth–he needs the blood to sacrifice to Paul Alinsk and the bones to divine how best to destroy America with solar panels and high speed trains. It's perfectly normal behavior!

  19. Respitetini

    It's Vince Foster all over again. But with fingers! And solar panels! Or something!
    (psst! Buy gold!)

  20. chascates

    Not only is Obama an atheist muslim socialist he also is a Japanese mob boss! One of those where if you disappoint the 'boss' you have to cut off a finger!!!!

    If the House GOP worked that way there wouldn't be anyone left who could pick up a bribe.

    1. Biff

      I kinda remember a TV episode about a smoking cessation program wherein if you failed, you lost a finger. Night Gallery, maybe?

  21. anniegetyerfun

    This is the kind of thing I was hoping to hear about, all over Washington, when Rahm Emanuel was around. I don't think he busted a single kneecap during his tenure.

    1. MadBrahms

      If this is true, the final weeks of the bush administration must have been dark days for manicurists everywhere.

  22. orygoon

    Some staffer is going to have to change his name and move away because of the embarrassment.

    DO NOT ASK how I know about such things.

  23. chascates

    One of Newt Gingrich's 'Big Ideas' from CPAC:
    Between UPS and FedEx, we track 24 million packages a day while they’re moving and we allow you to find out where they are for free. That’s the world that works. Now here’s the world that fails: The federal government today cannot find 11 million illegal immigrants even if they’re sitting still.
    Now, I have a simple proposal: We send a package to everyone who’s here illegally and when it’s delivered, we pull it up in a computer, we know where they are.
    http://www.alternet.org/teaparty/154128/the_5_stu

    1. BigDumbRedDog

      I have better ideas than that after smoking a bowl. Perhaps I should run for the republican nomination.

    2. MilwaukeeKent

      What's really amazing about that ability of UPS and Fed Ex is that all those packages are trying really hard not to be found.

  24. HogeyeGrex

    So is the staffer going to apologize for embarrassing the White House because he shouldn't have been in the way of that shotgun he stuck his fingers in the wrong First Lady?

  25. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Obama was smart, he would tell the Republicans "Pass some tax increases, or this is what happens!"

  26. SaintRond

    It was a hapless waiter who's been working at the White House for more than 35 years. He asked the First Lady what she wanted for dinner and she told him, "Surprise us."

    The poor waiter, quite understandably surprised the first family with a chicken dinner and when Mrs. Obama saw it she whipped her head around and bit the man, snapping off his fingers.

    They can try to cover it up all they want, but that's what happened.

  27. Tilley

    I didn't read through all the comments because I'm now a WORKING WOMAN and I'm exhausted and suffering from a motherfucking herniated disc in my neck, but: Has no one asked yet who the heck is that walking around with the giant bunny? The rear view of the hair-do suggests Donald "Short-Fingered Vulgarian" Trump. And what's with the shrouded shrubs, or whatever? Or am I hallucinating from too much hydrocodone washed down with Valentine's Day champagne? Oh God please just take me now. Happy Hearts to you crazy Wonketeers! [thunk, as head hits floor]

    1. MittBorg

      ZOMG, you poor babe! (fans Tilley)

      You got health care now, right? I hear acupuncture's really good for that shit and if not, there's a new technique that just came on the market, maybe I'll go do something useful for a change and look it up for you. Did you call your advice nurse or doctor or whatever a person has to do these days? Did they recommend ice or heat? Because those are surprisingly effective, even more so than drugs for some kinds of injuries. I'll find you and update you if I find helpful info.

      1. Tilley

        Yes thank heavens, one reason I took the job while those around me are losing theirs and/or RETIRING (pussies): beautiful beautiful health insurance. Too bad it doesn't kick in for another month. Just my luck. Anyway, had an MRI, which was psychedelic and not in a good way, referred to a neurosurgeon who reminded me of Rip Torn and again not in a good way, so am giving physical therapy a try starting next week. If that doesn't work I'm considering a neck-ectomy.

    2. orygoon

      I used to think "pain in the neck" was just a silly saying, and then I got cervical-spine arthritis. And yes, working is what makes it hurt (bike riding also, wah), but whacha gonna do? Fortunately I too have a doc who is good with the prescription pad, but I'd rather have my old younger neck back. Also, swimming helps.

      Congrats about having a jerb.

    3. spinozasgod

      well, if you happen to be working at the white house and you took too much hydrocodone you may want to count your fingers…….are you sure you are at home and not at the hospital?

    4. flamingpdog

      I thought it was Trump when I saw it, too also. But I'll be happy to help you finish off the hydrocodone if you're still worried about hallucinating.

        1. orygoon

          My wonderful Orygun neighbor got cancer and most unfortunately didn't make it. But she was pretty much ever cheerful and–damn, I miss her. Anyway, she got fabjulous drugs. I'd say how about I take a few of those off your poor hands, and she'd give me A Look, and I'd whine "where's the SHARE in Sharon?", which was her name, and I thought I was being clever, but she said her mom said that all the time and gave me about the best eyeroll ever. Bless you forever, Cherie…

  28. Blueb4sunrise

    I think Mahousu had it right on the first page with the finger trap…..there were Chi-Coms at the WH today.

  29. fuflans

    this is all very weird and not very interesting except for the poor fellow who was injured. i am sure it will occupy the wingtards right up thru november.

  30. Negropolis

    I'm just surprised there wasn't a "foot broken off in ass" injury given that the First Family is so Blah and all.

  31. Negropolis

    Obama vowed the day that Jan Brewer stuck her decrepit digit in his face that he'd never let anyone do it, again. Today, we see the severe and uncompromising results of such a vow.

    BTW, this is exactly why Newt Gingrich would use child laborers in his White House.

  32. Biel_ze_Bubba

    This is Michelle's fault. Choppin' all those veggies is dangerous work, and someone was bound to get hurt.

  33. johnnyzhivago

    You're not supposed to touch "Washington's Credit Card" without protective clothing, gloves, etc… it's so hot from being swiped so often it will burn your fingers off.

Comments are closed.