Keep an eye on these shady-ass bunny furriesIs President Obama going around the White House residence smashing staffers’ fingers because his sheets didn’t have proper hospital corners? The only correct answer can be “yes,” because will you just look at what happened today: “A member of the White House household staff suffered an on-the-job injury Tuesday and may have lost some fingers.”

The Washington Post originally reported the story, and was told by D.C. Fire/EMS spokesman Lon Walls that the staffer was facing the “possible amputation of one or two fingers” and “was taken to Washington Hospital Center with injuries that were classified as life-threatening.”

“Possible amputation of one or two fingers” … “injuries classified as life-threatening” … hmm… is something not squaring up? (Of course it’s terrible either way!)

But here’s the latest, the cover-up perhaps, from an Obama administration official: “There was a minor injury with a member of the residence staff – an ambulance was called out of an abundance of caution.”

What the hell?

[Washington Post, Politico]

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  • nounverb911

    Michelle caught the staffer with his hand in the cookie jar again?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Wanted to emulate Rahm and then become the next Mayor of Chicago?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    This is just more of Saul Alinsky's tactics inside the White House…

  • BornInATrailer

    Do not try to take away his smokes right now. Not until Santorum or Gingrich gets the nomination.

  • SorosBot

    Has Bo been a very bad dog?

    • emmelemm

      Not an entirely unplausible option.

      ETA: I love dogs. I'm not vilifying dogs.

    • MissTaken

      You try to play "pull my finger" with Bo you get what you deserve.

      • In Bo's defense, he DUZN'T HAZ teh opposable fumbs.

        A puppy gotta pull wiv wut a puppy gotta pull.

    • Woof?

    • arcadesproject

      Does Bo have fingers?

  • Barb

    Here DC, you can have this finger of mine…….

    • flamingpdog

      Jeez, Barb, isn't donating your uterus enough for one week?

      • Barb

        I agree! I would like my finger back, please.

    • ZOMG, she's awake, the meds have worn off. RUN!

      • Barb

        Hobbes, I am in charge of the baked potato portion of V Day dinner and I can't muster the strength to do it.

        • Then don't do it, sweetie. You lost the equivalent of half a person's worth of blood. The other half is gonna have to rest till it returns. Jeffer can do the potato.

  • Politico has once again WON THE DAY with their hard-hitting, incisive coverage of a White House stapler accident.

    • Needs MOAR blood, gore, broken bones, and rampaging violent negroes. Uppitty, also. Too.

  • Who else lost something really important at the White House?

    • Bezoar

      Now, that's funny.

    • nounverb911

      Monica Lewinsky?

    • Schmannnity

      Jenna Bush?

      • I'd say the entire Bush family lost their dignity.

        • nounverb911

          Did they ever have any?

        • You would, but you'd be wrong. Those skanks never had a shred of it.

          Wut? I've seen Jenna's coochie on the InnerNetz fer crisake.

          • 40 or 50 % McShineys

            Religiousness win! If she bared it for Christ's sake, you see.

          • Well, Christ might have something to say about that. Along the lines of, you know, cover up that thang.

    • Dick Nixon?
      Betty Ford?
      Sally Hemings?
      William Henry Harrison? (his life)

    • I'll answer my own question.

      "That evening, Alford—who had never had a boyfriend—was surprised when White House aide David Powers plied her with drinks, and stunned when JFK offered her a private tour of the residence. Moments later, she says, the president pushed her down onto his wife’s bed, pulled off her underwear, and unceremoniously deflowered her." [From Newsweek]

      Although on second thought, it beats the back seat of some crappy car.

      • HipHop0Potamus

        In all fairness, as a woman, she should have expected to be raped.

        • Generation[redacted]

          Just because some women get raped too much, is no reason to allow them in the White House. Or something.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Well, Jackie had that botched abortion but I'll go with Lil' Willie Lincoln.

    • SorosBot

      Well Ronald Reagan lost his mind.

      • Important, SB. The lady said "important", not impotent.

      • Rotundo_

        Well the spongiform deterioration and plaque greatly reduced the functional capacity of it, he still had a mind of sorts. Something like a chicken or perhaps a goose or something similar if compared mass to mass. But he was still housetrained up until leaving office, and a ways afterwards so there is that. But he didn't lose it all. JFK on the other hand…

      • Numbat_Dundee

        And Clinton lost a part of his anatomy as well – albeit a liquid part.

    • Kal Penn?

    • Generation[redacted]

      America, on Jan 20, 2001.

    • chicken_thief

      The Clinton's lists of "People to Be Killed" and "People We Killed"?

    • Dolly Madison?

    • Biff

      And here I thought James Guckert and possibly Jenna Bush were the only ones to lose their virginity at the White House.

    • C_R_Eature

      Rose Mary Woods?

      …or, was that her Boss?

    • Negropolis

      William Henry Harrison?

    • Pat_Pending

      I think Alice Roosevelt Longworth lost her sense of purpose…

  • Schmannnity

    I would stay away from the stew at lunch today.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Pull my finger. OWWW! Not that hard!!!"

  • Sassomatic

    Do NOT flip off the FLOTUS.

    • chicken_thief

      History's Greatest Monster strikes again.

  • Please be Vagina Dentata! Please be Vagina Dentata!!!

  • Barb

    Circle of life, ya know. Someone at the White House loses a few fingers and Boehner has a few fingers of scotch. It all works out in the end where men are going to have a few fingers in their tushie for asking for Viagra.

    Happy Valentine's Day, bitches!

    • SorosBot

      I do not want to think about someone fingering Boehner.

      • chicken_thief

        He has a smoke before, during, and after the fingering. Then he cries.

      • MissTaken

        Funny, most men enjoy a bit of finger on their Boehner.

        • SorosBot

          Especially when those fingers are talented, yes. But just imagine what Boehner's must be like, all orange and leathery.

          • ItsMrTheOwl2You

            <Runs off to get the Brain Bleach and scrub brush> No, no, go to the happy place – the one with Weiner's weiner. Run!

      • Barb

        I'm having a painkiller-induced fantasy right now of Boehner, Eric Cantor and an out-of-control Buick, causing them an auto-body experience.

    • Happy VD to you too, Barb!

    • Wow. Must be good meds!

  • A Very Brady Bunnicula After-School Special… stay tuned…

    ETA: what in the hiddly-hoo. My pee just bumped a notch. If that's my Valentine surprize for the day (or the year, more likely), I'll take it.

    • ZOMG, I loved the Bunnicula series!

    • If there's a perp walk for Bunnicula will the celery stalk at midnight?

      • Chester the cat trying to pound the stolen steak through Bunnicula's heart had me alternately peeing my pants and LOLing.

    • Barb

      Congratulations on your p-points going up. You deserve it.

  • Fare la Volpe

    I knew Obama was a Muslim!!

    • anniegetyerfun

      Wouldn't that be the whole hand? Are you suggesting he's an incompetent Muslim?

      • Negropolis

        No, he's the worst kind of Muslin; he's a liberal Muslin…and, yes, they do exist.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Is Barack Obama gonna have to cut a bitch?

  • bikerlaureate

    We need to know which fingers in order to snark with the greatest efficacy.

    (Srsly, all good wishes to the staffer. If such an accident has to happen, this is arguably at one of the best places for it to occur…)

    • Yeah, he's got health care and access to some of the finest hospitals.

  • meatlofer

    That shit happens to me all the time.

    • Say! Just *how many* fingers do ya got anyway, ya commie!

  • Schmannnity

    Enhanced interrogation–it's not just for Guantanamo anymore.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Let's just say no one flips off the president. K?

  • nounverb911

    Sounds like a bad Yakuza movie to me.

    • GOPCrusher

      Kill Bill Vol. 3

    • Zatoichi!

    • Great, the nuts already think Obama is a Kenyan Fascist Communist Muslim Nazi Chicago Union Thug. Now we have to add Yakuza Gangster to that list?

    • Angry_Marmot

      So that's why they call Rahm Emanuel "Old Stumpy" these days.

  • MissTaken

    I suggest avoiding all veggies from Michelle's organic garden for the foreseeable future.

    • SorosBot

      So you don't want finger food?

      • MissTaken

        Only if they're finger-licking good.

        • SorosBot

          Some chicken-fried fingers can make a nice side dish for our barbecued fetus.

          • MissTaken

            I don't like barbecued fetus, too rubbery. I like my fetus lightly sauteed with garlic and olive oil.

            But I do enjoy some chicken-fried fingers with ranch, hold the ketchup.

    • It's fine to take 'em, just ask *permission* first.

      You saw what just happened to the guy with the flies.

  • jus_wonderin

    That was the name of my first girl. Abundance O. Caution. My ex-wife and I felt strongly that a child's name can have lifelong consequences.

    Of course, my exes name; Slutty U. Takeme, might have been telling had it not been for the vodka.

    • Crank_Tango

      I have an ancestor from not long after pilgrim times that was named Freelove. I really want to bring that one back into style…

  • That's what should have happened to Jan Brewer.

    • GOPCrusher

      Barry should've bit that finger off and spit it back in her leathery face.

  • MissTaken

    Really hope it wasn't the thumb.

    • CapnFatback

      I would upfist you for that comment, but, you know . . .

    • SorosBot

      Certainly hope it wasn't; there's so much a person can do with their thumb if they know how to use it right.

      • GOPCrusher

        That's what separates us from the animals.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Fucking paper cuts are America's Secret Killer.

    • jus_wonderin

      Cue Sally Struthers.

  • owhatever

    Malia did it.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Upset over having to wear braces?

  • James Michael Curley

    Crappy Car! A 1961 Lincoln Continental Limo with Suicide Doors. Probably the same car the staffer got his fingers caught in. "S'cuse Mr. President, let my get that door for you and the young lady."

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Hey, when the President wants you to hold the elevator, you got to hold the elevator. Am I right?

  • YasserArraFeck

    Tonight on FOX NEWS – White House staffer gets between Angry Black Woman and her fried chicken'n'dumplin's!!!1! Injuries Reported!!1!

    • AngryBlackLady is on Line 2, Yasser.

      • YasserArraFeck

        ……..(oh, crap………)……

  • jus_wonderin

    …… the Oval Office………..

    • Generation[redacted]

      … with the candlestick!

      • Negropolis

        …on the Resolute desk.

  • flamingpdog

    Newell, I hope you come back with an update to this story when you've finally fingered out what is really going on.

  • Rahm needs a new one.

    • ItsMrTheOwl2You

      But he took an extra one too, just in case. Driver, to the Bat Cave!

  • ItsMrTheOwl2You

    A staffer loses two fingers and Bo only has one side of his body groomed and clipped. Coincidence? I think not.

    Don't F%ck with the FDOTUS. He'll F&ck you up.

    • jus_wonderin

      "Bo only has one side of his body groomed and clipped."

      Oh, I am praying it is the left.

  • hagajim

    Poor bastard was asked to go out and check which way public sentiment was blowing and a tea bagger blew his finger off.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. That rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer! It'll do you a trick, mate!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Poor White House staffer counted to four, before throwing the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

    • You're correct to say that's no ordinary rabbit. That's Jimmy Carter's killer rabbit.

      For the many who were not alive back in the days of yore:

    • ttommyunger

      Run away, run away!

  • It's official: Sharia Law has come to the White House! Stonings begin next week…

    • Sparky MacGyver

      Just because it's not true doesn't mean I can't be outraged! Time to mass email everyone!

  • Radiotherapy

    The oldest Alinsky method in the book.

  • Come here a minute

    Until we hear more details, we will have to assume that Bo chewed off a staffer's arm up to the elbow.

  • jus_wonderin

    I wonder if the staffer, realising the injury, but somewhat in shock said "I believe we have a problem, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

    • Barrelhse

      His face rings a bell.

  • I blame Rahm "The Mayor of Chicago" Emmanuel, personally.

    • ItsMrTheOwl2You

      No need to be formal, Joe. Please, just call him Your Honor.

  • mavenmaven

    Someone has teeth where they aren't supposed to, apparently.

  • Tommy1733

    This coverup looks like the handiwork (snicker) of the nefarious Illuminati Obama-Pelosi Shadow Rwandan FEMA Collective.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Okay. Why does the screen keep jumping when you click to post a comment or click to see replies? It is annoying. Please fix. For Valentine's Day? Or just for Wednesday? Thanks.

    • jus_wonderin

      Mine does that on occasion. I think I closed the browser (Exploder) and linked up again. Not sure though.

      • SorosBot

        A few other people have mentioned this problem, and it seems they were all using IE.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          IE still exists?

        • Biff

          Not as extreme as others have described it, on FF here.

    • Switch to Firefox.

    • banana_bread

      That happens to me on the iPad if I click the "read more" link. I can only read comments if I remember to click the article title instead. Very annoying.

  • MadBrahms

    An abundance of caution! A veritable cornucopia of measured concern! It's good to know that in a country where everyone is broke, unemployed, and forced to resort to trolling CPAC for sex just to give some meaning to their hollow lives, our nervous nelly cup overfloweth.

    • anniegetyerfun

      By "abundance of caution", what they meant is "We know Fox News will jump all the fuck over this story, and if we didn't send the staffer to the hospital, they would be all 'Oh, the administration is TOO GOOD for America's ambulances. Of course, now that we did send him, they're going to fucking bitch and moan about rising health care costs. You know what, FUCK ALL OF YOU FUCK YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL."

  • Mahousu

    Turns out it was a Chinese finger trap. They couldn't figure it out, and thought they'd have to amputate, until somebody thought to look up the Wikipedia entry.

    Wikipedia: it's not just for homework anymore.

  • chicken_thief

    “A member of the White House household staff suffered an on-the-job injury Tuesday and may have lost some fingers.”

    In other news, Orly Taitz nearly broke her ankle trying to get to the airport for a flight to DC where she is scheduled to meet with an unidentified White House staffer about their PI lawsuit.

  • So, Staffer, how often do you think about touching other people's private parts?


  • Oh sure! You let Gov. Brewer shove her meatstick in your face, but your own Chief of Staff????

  • Guppy

    I thought Rahm of the Nine Fingers left for Chicago a while back.

    • anniegetyerfun

      OK, beat me to it by an hour.

    • orygoon

      Someone wanted to fill his shoes gloves.

  • What does Liz Trotta have to say?

    • not that Dewey

      She does not go by "Liz". Where did you get your information?

      • Whoever told you that, is not your friend.

    • Chichikovovich

      The White House never used to lose fingers, until they got all those hand surgeons and physical therapy people around.

    • 5thstate

      Something like: When you work in close proximity to an uppity Kenyan Marxist witch doctor, you are bound to lose some fingers to his rapacious gleaming white teeth–he needs the blood to sacrifice to Paul Alinsk and the bones to divine how best to destroy America with solar panels and high speed trains. It's perfectly normal behavior!

    • Negropolis

      Did you see how that finger was dressed? It was asking for it.

  • Respitetini

    It's Vince Foster all over again. But with fingers! And solar panels! Or something!
    (psst! Buy gold!)

  • gullywompr

    These are not minor injuries you're looking for. Move along.

  • chascates

    Not only is Obama an atheist muslim socialist he also is a Japanese mob boss! One of those where if you disappoint the 'boss' you have to cut off a finger!!!!

    If the House GOP worked that way there wouldn't be anyone left who could pick up a bribe.

    • Biff

      I kinda remember a TV episode about a smoking cessation program wherein if you failed, you lost a finger. Night Gallery, maybe?

      • Chichikovovich

        It was a Fox News exposé of the Surgeon General's office under Obama.

  • CapnFatback

    Poor safety training; fingers get lost. Sounds like someone could use a couple pointers.

    • D'Oh!

      • CapnFatback

        My only regret is that I didn't think of it sooner.

  • johnnymeatworth


    • Or perhaps simply "Fingers-caught-in-gate". Ouchie!

  • elburritodeluxe

    No surprise. Sharia law allows for this.

  • Naked_Bunny

    I finally got my photo in Wonkette. And my best side, too!

    • CapnFatback

      You capitulated and put on a vest, huh?

      • flamingpdog

        Sweater vest? I smell a rabbit rat!

      • Naked_Bunny

        It was a formal occasion! Also, pockets for condoms, in case I met conservative ladies.

  • Biff

    I'm picturing a kitchen staffer, a la Julia Child.

    • flamingpdog

      Not gonna watch it. Don't wanna attract too much attention to my cubicle.

  • rickmaci

    The whole cutting off fingers thing is so Godfather. Much less messy to just waterboard them.

  • jus_wonderin

    The sad part, the staffer can no longer clutch their pearls in horror at an incident like this.

  • Buckminster

    What the sam hill?

  • Generation[redacted]

    This aggression will not stand, man.

  • anniegetyerfun

    This is the kind of thing I was hoping to hear about, all over Washington, when Rahm Emanuel was around. I don't think he busted a single kneecap during his tenure.

  • notreelyhelping

    Paper shredders take no prisonsers.

    • MadBrahms

      If this is true, the final weeks of the bush administration must have been dark days for manicurists everywhere.

  • orygoon

    Some staffer is going to have to change his name and move away because of the embarrassment.

    DO NOT ASK how I know about such things.

  • Sounds like everyone is going to heed the sign above the hole in the wall that says "Do not insert finger" in the future.

    • MadBrahms

      Oddly enough, there are no such signs in Rick Santorum's office.

    • Tilley

      I miss Kourtney.

  • chascates

    One of Newt Gingrich's 'Big Ideas' from CPAC:
    Between UPS and FedEx, we track 24 million packages a day while they’re moving and we allow you to find out where they are for free. That’s the world that works. Now here’s the world that fails: The federal government today cannot find 11 million illegal immigrants even if they’re sitting still.
    Now, I have a simple proposal: We send a package to everyone who’s here illegally and when it’s delivered, we pull it up in a computer, we know where they are.

    • BigDumbRedDog

      I have better ideas than that after smoking a bowl. Perhaps I should run for the republican nomination.

      • Sparky MacGyver

        Can they be insanely racist ideas? If so, you've got a future.

    • Every time I try to read this, my brain farts, chas.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      What's really amazing about that ability of UPS and Fed Ex is that all those packages are trying really hard not to be found.

  • HogeyeGrex

    So is the staffer going to apologize for embarrassing the White House because he shouldn't have been in the way of that shotgun he stuck his fingers in the wrong First Lady?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Obama was smart, he would tell the Republicans "Pass some tax increases, or this is what happens!"

  • SaintRond

    It was a hapless waiter who's been working at the White House for more than 35 years. He asked the First Lady what she wanted for dinner and she told him, "Surprise us."

    The poor waiter, quite understandably surprised the first family with a chicken dinner and when Mrs. Obama saw it she whipped her head around and bit the man, snapping off his fingers.

    They can try to cover it up all they want, but that's what happened.

  • Tilley

    I didn't read through all the comments because I'm now a WORKING WOMAN and I'm exhausted and suffering from a motherfucking herniated disc in my neck, but: Has no one asked yet who the heck is that walking around with the giant bunny? The rear view of the hair-do suggests Donald "Short-Fingered Vulgarian" Trump. And what's with the shrouded shrubs, or whatever? Or am I hallucinating from too much hydrocodone washed down with Valentine's Day champagne? Oh God please just take me now. Happy Hearts to you crazy Wonketeers! [thunk, as head hits floor]

    • Biff

      Congrats on the job, I guess?

      • Tilley

        Oh yes definitely. I love it — best jerb EVER.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      I thought it was Newell.

    • ZOMG, you poor babe! (fans Tilley)

      You got health care now, right? I hear acupuncture's really good for that shit and if not, there's a new technique that just came on the market, maybe I'll go do something useful for a change and look it up for you. Did you call your advice nurse or doctor or whatever a person has to do these days? Did they recommend ice or heat? Because those are surprisingly effective, even more so than drugs for some kinds of injuries. I'll find you and update you if I find helpful info.

      • Tilley

        Yes thank heavens, one reason I took the job while those around me are losing theirs and/or RETIRING (pussies): beautiful beautiful health insurance. Too bad it doesn't kick in for another month. Just my luck. Anyway, had an MRI, which was psychedelic and not in a good way, referred to a neurosurgeon who reminded me of Rip Torn and again not in a good way, so am giving physical therapy a try starting next week. If that doesn't work I'm considering a neck-ectomy.

        • No neck-ectomies! NOOOO!!

          I'll be back with information, I promise!~ (Hugs the poor aching soul)

    • orygoon

      I used to think "pain in the neck" was just a silly saying, and then I got cervical-spine arthritis. And yes, working is what makes it hurt (bike riding also, wah), but whacha gonna do? Fortunately I too have a doc who is good with the prescription pad, but I'd rather have my old younger neck back. Also, swimming helps.

      Congrats about having a jerb.

      • Tilley

        Hurts like hell, don't it? I'd almost rather go through "natural childbirth" again.

    • Apparently you've never actually been to the White House, have you.

    • spinozasgod

      well, if you happen to be working at the white house and you took too much hydrocodone you may want to count your fingers…….are you sure you are at home and not at the hospital?

    • flamingpdog

      I thought it was Trump when I saw it, too also. But I'll be happy to help you finish off the hydrocodone if you're still worried about hallucinating.

      • Tilley

        Sorry, NO SHARING, plus I finished it off last night.

        • orygoon

          My wonderful Orygun neighbor got cancer and most unfortunately didn't make it. But she was pretty much ever cheerful and–damn, I miss her. Anyway, she got fabjulous drugs. I'd say how about I take a few of those off your poor hands, and she'd give me A Look, and I'd whine "where's the SHARE in Sharon?", which was her name, and I thought I was being clever, but she said her mom said that all the time and gave me about the best eyeroll ever. Bless you forever, Cherie…

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I think Mahousu had it right on the first page with the finger trap…..there were Chi-Coms at the WH today.

  • Biff

    Brightfart on The Young Turks. For fuck's sake, what a cunt!

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    This Department Has Gone 1121 0 Days Without A Lost Time Accident

  • fuflans

    this is all very weird and not very interesting except for the poor fellow who was injured. i am sure it will occupy the wingtards right up thru november.

  • CivicHoliday

    Hazing courtesy of Rahm Emmanuel

  • horsedreamer_1

    As with Ween, the White House domestic staff cannot put a finger on it.

  • Wait a minute, was Lorena Bobbitt there today?

  • ttommyunger

    Rep. Issa announces full investigation of this incident in 3-2-1-

  • Slim_Pickins

    Allah must be appeased.

    • Negropolis

      Also, the Tree of Liberty. Also. Too. Tambien.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    Fingers are on, fingers are off. No one can explain it.

  • Negropolis

    I'm just surprised there wasn't a "foot broken off in ass" injury given that the First Family is so Blah and all.

  • Negropolis

    Obama vowed the day that Jan Brewer stuck her decrepit digit in his face that he'd never let anyone do it, again. Today, we see the severe and uncompromising results of such a vow.

    BTW, this is exactly why Newt Gingrich would use child laborers in his White House.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Losing smaller fingers is a smaller problem, by definition.

  • trondant

    I love it that Jim's important typing on this breaking news story has been cited at one of Amurricah's most important credulous websites.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    This is Michelle's fault. Choppin' all those veggies is dangerous work, and someone was bound to get hurt.

  • arihaya

    did Cheney came to visit and have a snack?

  • You're not supposed to touch "Washington's Credit Card" without protective clothing, gloves, etc… it's so hot from being swiped so often it will burn your fingers off.

  • DaRooster

    That's what happens when you try sneaking in cigs and twinkies…

  • HolyCow!!

    Every time a staffer leaks a story, Obama cuts off a finger.

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