sex monsters

Conservative Pundits To Youths: Stop Being Such Trollops At CPAC

...Please?It is a true fact that there were a full dozen or two ladies at CPAC this year wearing sparkly cocktail dresses approximately ten million inches above the knee from nine in the morning ’til eleven at night, each being pursued by 10,000 sex-starved young conservative males. Why else would they all go to CPAC? To respectfully take notes on Richard Viguerie’s conservative movement stories from the mid-60s while sipping on a club soda? That may be why your Wonkette went, but most of the students simply came to revel in the awkward late-adolescent/30-something sexual tension fest. And that has got to stop, according to Internet conservatives Erick Erickson and Melissa Clouthier. Next year, genitals will be banned.

Erickson explains that when he started attending CPAC in 2005, the young men were responsible pursuants of their sexual conquests that probably never materialized:

Being the good, intrepid blogger, I ran across the street to a CVS to buy a notepad, having left mine in my office back in Macon, GA. There in line were a half dozen young men, each with CPAC credentials around their necks and each buying condoms.

That is part of life on the college circuit. Young men, regardless of political persuasion or ideology, are intent on having sex, being boys, getting drunk — doing what young men in college often do. All to often there are also a few young ladies willing to shame their parents if their parents only knew.

Boys will be boys, ladies will be evil family-shamers. This is just the way of the world and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s conservative. Nowadays, however, every CPAC creep under the age of 40 is just looking for a quick black-out-and-bang in the Marriott gift shop storage closet:

But — and I wouldn’t be writing any of this had I not had a series of email exchanges on this subject in the past few days — I am more than a bit shocked by the young men at CPAC this year who just seemingly refuse to grow up or act their age. More troubling, while in 2005 it seemed to be just college kids, as the years have passed it is not just the 18 to 21 year old set, but the twenty and thirty somethings who just can’t seem to grow up. It’s like they started out at CPAC this way in college and each year at their CPAC reunion descend back to their freshman year rush week.

This is more and more common in society and none of us should expect that a behavior increasingly common in society should not spill over into any event including CPAC, but just because something is common does not mean it is responsible or acceptable.

(If anyone has one of these email exchanges that Erick Erickson is referring to, you must email it to tips@wonkette.com.)

Anyway, what about the ladies at CPAC, Doctor Melissa Clothier? What do you think of them?

Women will be future leaders, too, and I was dismayed to see how many of them either looked frumpish or like two-bit whores.

Go on?

First, are these young people being taught anything by their parents? I was at another service-oriented gathering of young women where the girls were in tight bandeau-skirts (you know, the kind of tube-top skirts that hookers wear on street corners?). They were sitting with their mothers. What is going on here?

Second, have women so internalized feminist dogma that they see themselves in only two ways? Butch, men-lite wannabes or 3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man?

Melissa Clouthier will [sigh] just have to play mommy herself:

1. No cleavage. That’s right. Cover that up. I say “no” in absolutist terms because women will show a tiny bit and that’s okay, but really, in a business environment where ideas are the priority, a dude thinking about your ta-tas is counter-productive.

2. Skirts no more than three finger-widths above the knee. Why do I even have to write this? Well, because someone is allowing these girls out of the house with mini-skirts that reveal too much.

3. Save the stilettos for Saturday night on a date with your boyfriend.

4. Bend at the knee. No, I don’t want to see your butt.

Thank you, Erick and Melissa. And are we clear now, young men and women? Each of you returning to CPAC next year should be dressed and comporting yourselves more like the common Puritan…

…And less like this slutty Slate political reporter slut.

Again: More this…

…Less this.

Grow up, you naked slut duck.

[Red State, Melissa Clouthier]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ChernobylSoup

    Say, I hear one harlot was even wearing rouge.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Totally Asking For It.

      Slut.

      • chicken_thief

        That was Erick son of Erick.

    • flamingpdog

      But, wait, I'm confused. Sarah Palin went rouge.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        How come your comment didn't show up when I entered MINE and got egg all over my face? HUH? HUH?

        • flamingpdog

          I think Intense Debate doesn't always show my comments to everybody, but then I'm paranoid, BWA HA HA HA HA!exclamation point!!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Elebenty. Huh.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Sure that wasn't a pitbull? Cuz you know the difference between a pitbull and…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      That must be that Going Rouge gal, Pair a sumthin'.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I'd think that a woman at CPAC would be about as safe as a woman walking into a gay night club in Amsterdam.

    • Nothingisamiss

      A woman a gay and a CPAC attendee walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Say, aren't you the new wonkette, jr I keep reading about?"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        A woman a gay ^^^ PERSON ^^^ and a CPAC attendee walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Say, aren't you the new wonkette, jr I keep reading about?"

        FIFY, NNTT

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    CPAC to America's Youth: Get Off My Lawn!!

    • mrpuma2u

      Uh that's DON'T get off on my lawn, or anywhere else for that matter. Who would jeebus bang in the store room?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    CPAC has more closeted men than California Closet Organizers does.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      CLOSETMAID LIBEL!

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      They are just in stiff competition to be named ambassador to Narnia when the Christian glory of the Sanataorum administration takes hold.

  • freakishlywrong

    As if CPAC couldn't get any douchier.

    • not that Dewey

      Douchier — is that the guy who scoops up the dice with his cane?

  • meatlofer

    Airplane skirts-they just cover the cockpit!

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Sounds like CPAC men sure go for the Catholic School Girl look on their escorts.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Let's just issue the girls a pleated plaid skirt upon entrance next year. And for the closeted type, perhaps the boys should be wearing albs and cassocks (red or black?)

    • Negropolis

      Hell, it worked for Britney Spears.

  • Pragmatist2

    "Conservative Youth" is an oxymoron. Erick Erickson is just a moron.

    • YasserArraFeck

      "OxyMoron" = an individual rendered dumb by overuse of Oxycodone (ie most of the conservative electorate of WV, KY, TN etc etc)

    • Loaded_Pants

      I dunno. I've known some "Conservative Youth" in my time. It's not so much a oxymoron as a tragedy. Usually of the closeted kind.

  • Fuck Toad

    As Blackadder's aunt would say, those CPAC harlots need to put away their devil's dumplings.

    • emmelemm

      Dirty pillows!!

    • YasserArraFeck

      …lest they get splattered with devils gravy

      • Generation[redacted]

        I got my ladel out!

    • doloras

      PUT AWAY THOSE FIREY BISCUITS! – Rudi van diSarzio

    • spinozasgod

      I've got a cunning plan………..

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Ironic that Miriam Margolyes, who plays Blackadders aunt in the photo above, is a wickedly irrepressible lesbian. My actor neighbour has been on set with her, and in fits of laughter over the hair-raising tales of her conquests, including one about jumping into bed with a lady cop who'd come to inspect her driver's licence….

      • Fuck Toad

        British people are so slutty.

  • Indiepalin

    It's a shame that most of lamesteam America has never heard of Erickson and his band of merry skanksters 'cause if they did, they'd be laughed right out of the blogosphere.

    • jjdaddyo

      If Eric Erickson were any whiter, he would shame Pat Boone.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!!"

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Any girls at CPAC should just expect to be raped.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      That's why there's so few of them, I'm sure.

    • GOPCrusher

      If it's bound to happen, they should just lay there and enjoy it.

      • not that Dewey

        Grit their teeth and think of Breitbart…

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Make lemonade!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Conservatives unaware naughtiness transpires?

    • freakishlywrong

      Betwixt the sexes, yes.

    • chicken_thief

      Usually cash has to change hands first.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Cash underwrites naughty temptations?

    • Loaded_Pants

      What the hell are the "bone crackin'" "Dr." & Erick going to do next time? Team up to knock on hotel room doors & scream "You people better not be fucking in there!"

  • freakishlywrong

    That Slate reporter is one angry lesbian!

    • Negropolis

      You just know that she was typing that hate-screed with one hand…

  • Schmannnity

    Creepy conservatives will be creepy

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Fox pundit wonders why women CPAC harlots surprised when they get raped.

  • Nothingisamiss

    How did Melissa know that they looked like "two-bit" whores? How many whore/pay scale ratings does she see? And aren't they only two-bit whores because that's what the market will pay?

    • YasserArraFeck

      Definitely buy into those two-bit whores now, 'cos when they go up to a buck-a-fuck, you'll make a killing, and only pay 15% tax on the profit!!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Two bits only gives you 4 words of addressable space. Yes, I'm a computer nerd, and I throw in my 2 bits.

      • bagofmice

        I 8 that joke up, for a bit more at least.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Listen, when you work in an industry, you know the pay scales intimately.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Intimately? But no kissing on the lips or eye contact, mkay?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    that's why when I father a female fetus, I'm tattooing Eric Erickson's fatfuck face on the inside of her eyelids. you're welcome, america.

    • Negropolis

      That punishment is both cruel and unusual.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    1. No cleavage….
    2. Skirts no more than three finger-widths above the knee….
    3. Save the stilettos for Saturday night on a date with your boyfriend…
    4. Bend at the knee. No, I don’t want to see your butt.

    "I'm looking at you, K-Lo."

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      And we definitely don't want to see her butt.

  • SorosBot

    Hey, Erick and Melissa; people who fuck are acting like grown-ups; it's the puritanical scolds like you who are horrified at the idea of other people's genitals touching that are immature idiots who have to grow up and learn to act like adults who don't give a shit about others' sex lives.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      As someone on the Twatter noted:

      Literal White Supremacists invited to speak at CPAC? NBD. Adults exercising responsible sexual practices? TOTAL MORAL OUTRAGE.

      Honestly, the fact that condoms elicit a greater outrage than white supremacists pretty much summarizes the entire Republican party in a single instant.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    As a geek, I was pretty sure the point of going to conventions of any sort was to get laid? Admittedly, CPAC is sort of the worst con in existance, -even their cosplayers are extra-awful- but still.

  • Smithboy

    Here is a Valentine's Day card for all of my neocon friends. Pass this around.
    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/b4d3dc3524/check

  • Ducksworthy

    Dear Wonkette.

    I'm sorry but I'm going to have to stop coming here for the smut if this is the best you can do. I keep waiting for a picture of a CPAC slut doing something obscene with an elephant. And this is the best you can do?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Erickson would insist the "smut" of which you speak is for liebrulz and co-eds who haven't outgrown their hormone-bedeviled ways. He is privately jealous CPAC couldn't book the Platypus furry in time for shaking some booty the clean-cut, line-dancing wholesome way.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, the elephant's been posted up top here…

    • Generation[redacted]

      I miss the old days when ducks wielded dildos.

    • Negropolis

      Shorter: Where are the elephants? I was told there would be elephants.

  • orygoon

    So, CPAC is a big hookup. I read they had 10,000 attendees, and wondered why. Thanks for the explanation.

    • gullywompr

      "Finish my danged fence, baby! Ohhhh… FINISH IT!"

  • freakishlywrong

    Keep fucking that wide tent, Conservatards!

  • chicken_thief

    "All to often there are also a few young ladies willing to shame their parents if their parents only knew."

    Who knew? Next year, CPAC for me!!!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Not their parents, obvs.

  • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    Wow… The stick up their asses must have a stick up its ass

  • bumfug

    Good luck, Melissa Clouthier, with your campaign to get the girls to stop wearing miniskirts. Look at their role models like Ann Coulter – if the skirt Ann wore at CPAC was any shorter you could have seen her nuts.

    • Buckminster

      Hey Melissa–the Victorian Era just called and you're late for your tatting lesson.

    • Negropolis

      Ha!

  • MissTaken

    because someone is allowing these girls out of the house with mini-skirts that reveal too much

    Wait! Women are allowed OUT of the house? No wonder we should expect to be raped.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That's right! You should keep it in the house, to protect Dad's health

    • SorosBot

      And just who is allowing them out of the house like that anyway? I mean these are women, not people who can actually live their own lives and make decisions for themselves.

      • MissTaken

        Exactly! Just this weekend there was a man in my house who had to approve of what I was wearing because I'm incapable of dressing myself.

        • SorosBot

          Well I hope this man didn't allow you to wear anything slutty like cleavage-revealing shirts or sexy underwear; otherwise your parents would be shamed.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Indeed! Any clothing could be so construed, so off with it!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Say, aren't you a Certified Underwear Inspector?

        • jus_wonderin

          MT. is there an opening for the coming weekend?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Ah-HEM! No names, addresses, video clips?

          • MissTaken

            You did hear there were a couple of earthquakes in NorCal this weekend, right?!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I kept hearing what sounded like prayer, interspersed with high-pitched noises, but I attributed it, mistakenly, apparently to the ravages of old age and tinnitus. (clears throat, bats lashes, stares expectantly at Miss T)

            I take it SB graced you with a visit?

          • MissTaken

            Hey now, this is Wonkett, not Words With Friends!
            http://ingame.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/14/1040

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Well, hell's bells, y'all need to up your game, then!

          • SorosBot

            I don't know how MittBorg could have gotten the idea that we just spent a totally amazing weekend together when we're just flirtacious fellow Wonkette commenters. And no one has ever hooked up through commenting on a website.
            http://www.dailydot.com/society/phel-prison-wine-

          • MissTaken

            I know! The idea of you and I having just spent an incredible weekend together is crazytalk. Crazy I tell ya!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            THAT good, huh? That makes me so fucking happy. (Hugs the girl) C'mere, Soros, you great ginger Bot. (Hugs the boy)

          • SorosBot

            Thanks, and hugs back.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            My dear, dear friends, I am so very happy for you both. For many reasons that I won't go into right now. Hugs all around. Aw, fuckit, group hug!

          • banana_bread

            I know I'm new around these parts but I wanted to say that since you're two of my favorite commenters, this is totally awesome. Mazel tov!

          • SorosBot

            Aw thanks!

          • MissTaken

            BTW – that story is all kinds of adorable. And eerily familiar.

          • SorosBot

            The weird thing is it just came up this morning, linked from the AV Club (for obvious reasons). That was eerie timing. Or, I mean, it would be, if what some people got the idea we did this weekend happened.

          • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

            Quote of the Day:

            “I got to the airport early because I was nervous. We’d sent each other pictures and talked and whatnot but there was still the lingering fear of ‘what if she has a dick?’”

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I know I haven't shared this with you two, but I met my current partner on the 'Net. Best thing I ever did.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            All the cool people have each other's email addresses, and now they're hooking up? I haz teh left outz.

          • MissTaken

            It's okay, SB is the only one with my email. Although I did have to fight off Barb and her uterus for him.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Watch out, that's one slippery Mookie.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Thanks, MT. And watch out for women waving their uteruses (uteri?) in the air!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Come sit with me, I got left out too. Those little scalawags went off and had them a great time and didn't even give us videos!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Who made their leg chains so long?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Did your father or husband give you permission to write that comment?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    (If anyone has one of these email exchanges that Erick Erickson is referring to, you must email it to tips@wonkette.com.)

    Don't you read your own WEBSITE, Newell???? There were even Craigslist ads!!!!!

  • YasserArraFeck

    I'd say those chicks were just asking to be raped, but the guys are….you know……republicans….

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I want those fuckers outa the closet STAT, they're giving the whole community a bad name.

  • Eve8Apples

    Why does Erickson assume those boys were buying condoms for sex with women? I heard some odd sheep noises coming from the Marriott gift shop closet.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You ever have sex with a Republican woman?

      Lemme put it this way: they're kinda furry there…

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    First, are these young people being taught anything by their parents? I was at another service-oriented gathering of young women where the girls were in tight bandeau-skirts (you know, the kind of tube-top skirts that hookers wear on street corners?). They were sitting with their mothers. What is going on here?

    Considering they were sitting with their mothers, who were wearing tube tops and low rider jeans, at moms' arraignment for meth, I'd say yes.

  • Radiotherapy

    And here I thought it wasn't possible for conservatards to be more boring and humorless.

  • sunmusing

    Ahh Jim, now I know why the Wonkettes were creaming their jeans when news of your return hit the tubes, you are fucking funny. Now I'm gonna have to go read your previous leavings.

  • DaRooster

    That Puritan guy's skirt is way above the knee…

  • MrFizzy

    Is there a rule among conservatives that every adult male who's going be in the club has to look like he's been hit in the face with a frying pan?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Sure looks that way, don't it?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    2. Skirts no more than three finger-widths above the knee. Why do I even have to write this? Well, because someone is allowing these girls out of the house with mini-skirts that reveal too much.

    *sigh* This reminds me of the old patriarchal test to see if a mini was too long…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man?"

    Any of you single ladies out there in need of "empowerment?" (nudge nudge wink wink)

  • owhatever

    Major Frank Burns and Hot Lips — the founders of CPAC — approve of these reminders of proper moral behavior.

  • mavenmaven

    The sad part is that what you read above is exactly what these sickos want to do to the whole country. And then they complain about sharia law…

  • fuflans

    i know i come to wonkette for the puritan woodcuts.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Erick the Rude is pissed that he didn't get any sexytime with the intern Babettes. Maybe if he wasn't handing out Fruit Trollops in condoms…

    • Loaded_Pants

      That was my first thought, too. Obviously these two went to CPAC to get laid (along with everyone else), didn't get laid, & are bitter about it. Too bad these two didn't hook up together.

  • gullywompr

    Can't these bloggers recognize liberal infiltrators when they see them?

  • DaRooster

    They bus in those young Repugnants… most of them have applied for scholarships and are required to go… so of course they are going to make the best of it.
    (Whores)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Erickson is just pissed off that the roofies he slipped to Pam Gellar didn't work. "I figured they would be really good; I mean, I bought them from a Negro!"

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Is it wrong to smile when thinking about Pam Geller falling off a roofie?

  • MissTaken

    Don't know about you all but that Dwight D. Duck is making me feel all kinds of naughty right now. Quack quack!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    "….doing what young men in college often do.
    All to [sic] often there are also a few young ladies
    willing to shame their parents
    if their parents only knew."

    Stolen from the theme song to the 1961 classic
    Hot Rod CPAC Sluts

  • HelmutNewton

    "There in line were a half dozen young men, each with CPAC credentials around their necks and each buying condoms."

    Ummm, he does know that they were after some Santorum, right? They don't want anything to do with people of the opposite sex.

    • GOPCrusher

      They should be congratulated for using their common sense. If you're going to have anonymous sex with someone that advertised on Craigslist, using a condom sounds like a good idea.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Erick, son of Erick, who was son of Allfather Erick claims he was just buying a notepad.
      Uh huh.

    • CivicHoliday

      hurray for sweaty frothy self-loathing in-the-closet gay sex festivals!

  • Radiotherapy

    You know where else you should put three fingers above the knee?
    ♪ ♫ Take the skinheads bowling. ♪ ♫

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well, if that doesn't speak to the failure of abstinence-only indoctrination, then nothing does. Maybe next year's CPAC should be dry and the women forced to stay in a separate hotel from the men, and chaperoned, just to keep the shenanigans under control. I mean, make it like the America you want to see, right Erick? It'll be fun watching your moral crusade die from lack of interest — though looking at the attendees of this year's ogrefest, I can't understand why that hasn't happened already.

    • Eve8Apples

      I would love to see a Survivor type series where they take a bunch of Evangelical Christian conservatives, isolate them on an island and actually force them to live the lifestyle they want to force upon the rest of us. By the series end, they will have all died by suicide or murder.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        I'd watch that.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Well, if they based the rules of the program on Old Testament, it would be mostly murder.

    • Shellwith2Ls

      I don't think segregating the sexes will stop the shenanigans since, based on the Craigslist ads, they weren't interested in women anyway.

      • Loaded_Pants

        "Hey guys, it's nothing but us fellas on this floor! Let's get the party started!"

  • Wilcoxyz

    Conservatives go to CPAC with birth control. They leave without it. You can't explain that.

  • Eve8Apples

    I think Erick and Melissa have valid points. We should discourage CPAC attendees from breeding. It just contaminates the gene pool. Chastity belts will be required for all CPAC attendees in the future.

    • Rotundo_

      A humane tagging and neutering program for the males could be easily be achieved with net guns, tasers and dart guns, cull them, nut them, put a big plastic tag in their ear (or do like they do with pigs and notch them) and release them, stunned and a little dopey (like usual) back into the herd.

  • chicken_thief

    "…and I was dismayed to see how many of them either looked frumpish or like two-bit whores. "

    In the former category: Melissa herself, Lou Sarah, and all those 2 Ton Tessies on scooters. In the latter: all the hot chicks that she is jealous of.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Wait, wait… I'm trying to profile why a young person — a "person of youth", as it were — would attend anything like CPAC for tail.

    I mean, if I were chasing trim, I'd give Sarah Palin a glance. I'd shove a cork in Laura Ingraham's mouth. I'd ask Ann Coulter for a match. I'd curiously ask Michelle Malkin if it's sideways.

    And then I would go to my hotel room and call Bristol or Meghan McCain, because they are the only party favors I'd find at this event.

    • gullywompr

      "I'm trying to profile why a young person — a "person of youth", as it were — would attend anything like CPAC for tail."

      You just answered your own question.

    • Rotundo_

      Hand Malkin a ping-pong ball wrapped in a fiver and enjoy the show, you'll get the lay of the land and one of the meanest serves in table tennis that was ever delivered hands free.

  • PuckStopsHere

    They don't really care who's fucking. Only that they keep the fetus which results to term.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    I am shocked, SHOCKED!, to find out that there are future Gross Old Perverts here.

    -Erick, son of Erick, Earl of Wetsuit and Duke of Dildo
    ~

  • Callyson

    have women so internalized feminist dogma that they see themselves in only two ways? Butch, men-lite wannabes or 3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man?
    FFS, the whole *point* of the feminist movement is to move away from idiotic dichotomies like this, you moran.
    Oh, why even bother trying to explain to someone like this. Erickson, go hire a hooker already and come back when you're not so desperately horny yourself…

    • SorosBot

      Silly women, thinking that their opinions matter and that they are not just their for mens' enjoyment.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Well, of course their opinions matter — but only to them, HAHAHAHA!!! Wut? It's not like anybody listens to them anyway.

    • MadBrahms

      This is a group that still thinks "queer" is an adjective used to describe steam carriages and negroes in the workforce.

      Also, if we're really going to do a feminist critique, some of the coverage from the Internet Males on the left has been pretty gross, too. Because women, they are dumb! Showing two of them proves that clearly, they couldn't possibly care about politics, because BOYS THEY R SO CUTE

      • Gainsbourg69

        I didn't notice any slut shaming coming from those internet males on the left.

  • el_donaldo

    Ban genitals at CPAC? Forgive me for making the obvious correction, but it would appear they're banning female genitals. Apparently it would be just fine for Erik Son of Erik and Dr. Clothier Than Thou if the strapping young men of CPAC were to walk around pantsless and tumescent. It's the women that seem to be causing all the problems.

  • gullywompr

    Those horny guys are just going to get blue balls, CPAC girls are only there to hook up with Ron Paul.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Isn't that cute that Erick, son of Erick believes that the boys at CPAC were getting condoms to use with women.

  • fuflans

    the google valentine doodle ends with a montage including gay couples.

    with delight, i imagine wingnuts heads asploding.

  • flamingpdog

    CPAC dudes out on the street in D. C. with their CPAC credentials around their necks? Fox pundit wonders why they don't expect to get raped.

  • Sassomatic

    Why do I even have to write this? Well, because someone is allowing these girls out of the house with mini-skirts that reveal too much. kitchen. Who let this bitch learn to write anyway?

  • Wilcoxyz

    Just the other day, Coulter said all the pretty sluts are conservative. Get with program, teatards.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I love how this guy thinks the condom buying had anything to do with women. What a moron.

  • Chichikovovich

    full dozen or two ladies at CPAC … each being pursued by 10,000 sex-starved young conservative males.

    An old joke, but never truer than it is here:
    The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

  • YouBetcha

    Yes. Because the solution to puritanical, repressive, narrow-minded ideology is LESS SEX. Fucking brilliant.

  • SolitaireRose

    I hate it when the "Douchetard frat boy" wing of the party fights with the "Burn the witches, and by witches we mean anyone who believes in crazy non-Jesus science like gravity and a round Earth" wing of the party. Hopefully a healing figure like James Dobson can work out their problems.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Fashion advice from Melissa Clouthier makes about as much sense as diet tips from Ole Newt hisself.

  • jus_wonderin

    So, they are not looking for the slut vote??

  • thefrontpage

    I only went to CPAC one day–Saturday–and ended up having sex with two girls and two guys! It was an orgy situation on the sixth floor of the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel about 6 p.m. on Saturday. Everyone was in their twenties, and no one seemed to care about politics. And no one really seemed that "conservative." The partying went on for about two hours or so. That's the real CPAC!! And this was likely going on all over that hotel for all three days–again, that's reality. Who are these prudish morons to dictate anyone else's fun? That's just moronic, and out of touch with reality.

    • Troglodeity

      You must be mistaking Wonkette for "Penthouse Letters."

    • Loaded_Pants

      Those poor people working in the housekeeping, having to wash all that santorum out of the sheets.

  • Tundra Grifter

    That was CPAC?

    With Jim's return I figured Wonkette was back to covering Late Night Shots…

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Wait, I'm confused: the religious fanatics that complain about people dressing immodestly and saying that women are inviting rape by associating with men at all, also hate fundamentalist Islam, though?

    • GOPCrusher

      I know. Go figure.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Also, I hate to break it to Ewick, but if Craigslist (and in this modern age, Grindr) is any indication, those "young men with CPAC credentials" who were picking up condoms? Not sexing the ladies.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Not a *word* about the boys hooking up on Craigslist, Erick? Whomever are you trying to protect?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      That entire tirade was a false flag operation if I ever saw one. Erickson and Clothier WISH all the sex at CPAC was the hetero variety.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        After that Craigslist Cumexplosion, all I can say is either they've got an almighty fucking nerve, or they're so painfully divorced from reality as to still be in Stage IV Trauma.

        • Nothingisamiss

          MittBorg, thanks and SORRY for the "gay {person}" mistake. I was typing quickly, knew something sounded off and I AM SORRY. I'd apologize on the comment itself, but I think it's been deleted.

          *hangs head in shame* and I'm not kidding.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Hey, sweetie! Did you notice I didn't say word one about how you were hatefully opressing me and mine and a homophobe and yada yada? That's because I KNEW it was a good faith mistake. I was just doing my good little LGBTQFAGGIT!!!/EditingQueen/StyleManualGuru bit for the planet, like I'm supposed to.

            Now you stop worrying, because NOTHING is amiss. You hear me young lady/gentleman/person of indeterminate persuasion? NOTHING.

            (Hugs the poor sufferer)

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Seriously…I'm 50 going on 13. I'm like a kitten with a particularly attractive bit of string.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I know, and you're making me LMFAO, so please, continue!

      • Dashboard Buddha

        I live but to serve.

  • tihond

    Erickson: Why don't these women dress like men?

  • kissawookiee

    Lots and lots and lots of young men gearing up for sexytime, and… "a few" young women. QED, Erick. Q. E. Fuckin'. D.

  • Streiffert

    So when Erick son of Erick was in his twenties he noticed guys his age acting like guys. And now that he's in his thirties he's noticing guys his age acting like guys. When he's 75 he'll be stunned by the old men who hit on their nurses.

  • rickmaci

    More evidence the "Cultural War" is a lot like the Civil War. The "cultural slavery" side lost years ago but doesn't want to admit it, is frustrated by the failure of their efforts to reverse history and is obsessively dedicated to a revisionist history that perpetrates the lie that they won.

  • Barrelhse

    "Two-bit whores."
    I've got 4 bits.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Fellow in back named Omar, says he'd like a word with you, Weej.

  • BornInATrailer

    I recognize that fantastic Black Adder episode!

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    It's funny how my jokes about conservatives trying to take us back to the America of the 1890s used to actually be *jokes*.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I think "Dr." Clouthier was also outraged with young ladies exposing their necks, a bit of ankle, and their wrists. But she choose not to express that in an attempt to seem more reasonable & more "with it".

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Why is it these vapors-having prisses always remind me of my childhood Catholic pastor who disappeared under mysterious circumstances a few years back?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      And of what, precisely, was said clergyman accused?

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

        Oh, you know, the usual.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Yeah, I kinda figured that. And these miserable prix want to control the sex lives of the non-celibate, non-religious, non-brainwashed. Miserable fuckers.

  • whatupirondog

    Totally agree. What's wrong with these young republican lasses? You would think that these ladies were constantly being alternately demeaned by and pandered to by their own political party causing them to become desperate for any type of male confirmation of their worth even if that confirmation is somehow gained by being used as a fuck toy for some drunken college republican frat boy douchebag.

    This is all the fault, of course, of the liberal media and Hollywood.

  • Redhead

    Dr. Melissa's just looking out for those girls. Everyone knows conservative men aren't responsible for their actions, and if they see a bit of skin and get turned on, well, it's totally that girl's fault for daring to show her knees. And she might even get above the acceptable level of rape, if she shows enough skin, and that would be just SO shameful for her family, if they found out.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Apparently, according to one Elizabeth Pigfoot or summat, women are being raped too much.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Young people fuck? I thought that was a myth perpetrated by the Liebrul media.*

    *Seriously Ewick, no one gives a fuck what you think about fucking.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    The most important question remains unanswered. Did the Santorum Girls get any?

    … I didn't think so.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Dr. Clouthier (ya know, she's a chiropractor) illustrates the appropriate amount of cleavage to show while singing karaoke:
    http://theothermccain.com/2011/02/15/well-always-

    Seriously, she's dispensing fashion advice?

    • Troglodeity

      Oh my gawd, that picture of Melissa Clouthier explains everything. The fury of a woman scorned.

      • Loaded_Pants

        No shit. I dare you to try to make it through a couple of her blog posts. Someone's got more baggage than Vuitton.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      See Trog's comment, and also too if Ms. Clouthier ever wore a bandana skirt that did not tie above her head and below her feet, the human species might suddenly become infertile en masse if they should, you know, see such a thing. (faints)

  • Troglodeity

    "There in line were a half dozen young men, each with CPAC credentials around their necks and each buying condoms."

    Yeah, right. Because young men buying condoms typically stand in lines six deep to do so, proudly displaying their boxes of Trojans for all to see, instead of ashamedly hiding them between news magazines and cold remedies.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Honey, these guys are openly advertising on Craigslist for gang-butt-reamings and bukkake. I honestly doubt they're overly shy about being seen in public with condoms. In fact, the little sluts are probly wearing their lanyard badges as a pickup opportunity.

    • SorosBot

      Well I display them proudly; it's a way of announcing "yep, I'm gettin' some."

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You know I'm just DYING to say something snarky to you, but out of respect for your recent rush of well-deserved happeh, I am holding mah tongue. Wiv bofe hands.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Awesome! I too always measure things with three fingers!

  • Loaded_Pants

    WTH did I just see? Was that from a Tea Party meeting or from CPAC?

  • Loaded_Pants

    "Dr." Melissa Clouthier, license courtesy of MSWord.

  • Schmegeg

    "More troubling, while in 2005 it seemed to be just college kids, as the years have passed it is not just the 18 to 21 year old set, but the twenty and thirty somethings who just can’t seem to grow up."

    It's the same people, you blithering idiot

  • Abernathy

    Did that perv just tell me to bend at the knee?

  • bagofmice

    I was an adventurer like you once, but then I took a skirt to the knee.

  • lulzmonger

    IN: Slut-shaming GOP Youth (= the under-50s).

    OUT: Cause & effect.

    If you get lots of people together who are all worked up about the same thing/s, that nervous energy will then sublimate itself through multiple sundry alternative pathways, thus you can bet your Bippy that before long There Will Be Boinking.

  • comrad_darkness

    > I am more than a bit shocked by the young men at CPAC this year who just seemingly refuse to grow up or act their age.

    Funny, this is exactly what I always say about every republican representative and governor.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    You go to CPAC with the contraception you have, not the contraception you want taken away.

  • ttommyunger

    I googled "middle-aged virgin male" and that same pix of Erick popped up.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Erick didn't forget his notepad, there was just no room for it among the gross of rubbers he brought for gay sex. This foresight keep him out of the condom line at CVS.

  • spinozasgod

    "Second, have women so internalized feminist dogma that they see themselves in only two ways? Butch, men-lite wannabes or 3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man?"

    so this is what conservatives got out of the women's movement? no wonder we are having to fight for reproductive rights again.

  • insidebeltway

    I believe the rules were directed at Sarah Palin.

  • Catabite

    "Ew, girls, stop showing so much lady-skin, you're grossing out the closeted gay men and making the bitter old women jealous!"