sex monsters

Conservative Pundits To Youths: Stop Being Such Trollops At CPAC

...Please?It is a true fact that there were a full dozen or two ladies at CPAC this year wearing sparkly cocktail dresses approximately ten million inches above the knee from nine in the morning ’til eleven at night, each being pursued by 10,000 sex-starved young conservative males. Why else would they all go to CPAC? To respectfully take notes on Richard Viguerie’s conservative movement stories from the mid-60s while sipping on a club soda? That may be why your Wonkette went, but most of the students simply came to revel in the awkward late-adolescent/30-something sexual tension fest. And that has got to stop, according to Internet conservatives Erick Erickson and Melissa Clouthier. Next year, genitals will be banned.

Erickson explains that when he started attending CPAC in 2005, the young men were responsible pursuants of their sexual conquests that probably never materialized:

Being the good, intrepid blogger, I ran across the street to a CVS to buy a notepad, having left mine in my office back in Macon, GA. There in line were a half dozen young men, each with CPAC credentials around their necks and each buying condoms.

That is part of life on the college circuit. Young men, regardless of political persuasion or ideology, are intent on having sex, being boys, getting drunk — doing what young men in college often do. All to often there are also a few young ladies willing to shame their parents if their parents only knew.

Boys will be boys, ladies will be evil family-shamers. This is just the way of the world and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s conservative. Nowadays, however, every CPAC creep under the age of 40 is just looking for a quick black-out-and-bang in the Marriott gift shop storage closet:

But — and I wouldn’t be writing any of this had I not had a series of email exchanges on this subject in the past few days — I am more than a bit shocked by the young men at CPAC this year who just seemingly refuse to grow up or act their age. More troubling, while in 2005 it seemed to be just college kids, as the years have passed it is not just the 18 to 21 year old set, but the twenty and thirty somethings who just can’t seem to grow up. It’s like they started out at CPAC this way in college and each year at their CPAC reunion descend back to their freshman year rush week.

This is more and more common in society and none of us should expect that a behavior increasingly common in society should not spill over into any event including CPAC, but just because something is common does not mean it is responsible or acceptable.

(If anyone has one of these email exchanges that Erick Erickson is referring to, you must email it to tips@wonkette.com.)

Anyway, what about the ladies at CPAC, Doctor Melissa Clothier? What do you think of them?

Women will be future leaders, too, and I was dismayed to see how many of them either looked frumpish or like two-bit whores.

Go on?

First, are these young people being taught anything by their parents? I was at another service-oriented gathering of young women where the girls were in tight bandeau-skirts (you know, the kind of tube-top skirts that hookers wear on street corners?). They were sitting with their mothers. What is going on here?

Second, have women so internalized feminist dogma that they see themselves in only two ways? Butch, men-lite wannabes or 3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man?

Melissa Clouthier will [sigh] just have to play mommy herself:

1. No cleavage. That’s right. Cover that up. I say “no” in absolutist terms because women will show a tiny bit and that’s okay, but really, in a business environment where ideas are the priority, a dude thinking about your ta-tas is counter-productive.

2. Skirts no more than three finger-widths above the knee. Why do I even have to write this? Well, because someone is allowing these girls out of the house with mini-skirts that reveal too much.

3. Save the stilettos for Saturday night on a date with your boyfriend.

4. Bend at the knee. No, I don’t want to see your butt.

Thank you, Erick and Melissa. And are we clear now, young men and women? Each of you returning to CPAC next year should be dressed and comporting yourselves more like the common Puritan…

…And less like this slutty Slate political reporter slut.

Again: More this…

…Less this.

Grow up, you naked slut duck.

[Red State, Melissa Clouthier]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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230 comments

        1. flamingpdog

          I think Intense Debate doesn't always show my comments to everybody, but then I'm paranoid, BWA HA HA HA HA!exclamation point!!

      1. KarenJ503

        Oh, yeahhhhh… "…the girls were in tight bandeau-skirts (you know, the kind of tube-top skirts that hookers wear on street corners?)…

        Maybe Melissa Clouthier should have talked to literally Going Rouge galSarah Palin before she appeared at CPAC Saturday in her hooker red satin blouse, shelf bra, spandex pencil skirt with a slit, no nylons, and peep-toe FM 6" stilettos.
        http://barbaricthoughts.com/wp-content/uploads/20http://barbaricthoughts.com/wp-content/uploads/20http://barbaricthoughts.com/wp-content/uploads/20

    1. Nothingisamiss

      A woman a gay and a CPAC attendee walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Say, aren't you the new wonkette, jr I keep reading about?"

      1. MittBorg

        A woman a gay ^^^ PERSON ^^^ and a CPAC attendee walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Say, aren't you the new wonkette, jr I keep reading about?"

        FIFY, NNTT

    1. mrpuma2u

      Uh that's DON'T get off on my lawn, or anywhere else for that matter. Who would jeebus bang in the store room?

    1. Maman

      Let's just issue the girls a pleated plaid skirt upon entrance next year. And for the closeted type, perhaps the boys should be wearing albs and cassocks (red or black?)

    1. YasserArraFeck

      "OxyMoron" = an individual rendered dumb by overuse of Oxycodone (ie most of the conservative electorate of WV, KY, TN etc etc)

    2. Loaded_Pants

      I dunno. I've known some "Conservative Youth" in my time. It's not so much a oxymoron as a tragedy. Usually of the closeted kind.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Ironic that Miriam Margolyes, who plays Blackadders aunt in the photo above, is a wickedly irrepressible lesbian. My actor neighbour has been on set with her, and in fits of laughter over the hair-raising tales of her conquests, including one about jumping into bed with a lady cop who'd come to inspect her driver's licence….

  1. Indiepalin

    It's a shame that most of lamesteam America has never heard of Erickson and his band of merry skanksters 'cause if they did, they'd be laughed right out of the blogosphere.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      What the hell are the "bone crackin'" "Dr." & Erick going to do next time? Team up to knock on hotel room doors & scream "You people better not be fucking in there!"

  2. Nothingisamiss

    How did Melissa know that they looked like "two-bit" whores? How many whore/pay scale ratings does she see? And aren't they only two-bit whores because that's what the market will pay?

    1. YasserArraFeck

      Definitely buy into those two-bit whores now, 'cos when they go up to a buck-a-fuck, you'll make a killing, and only pay 15% tax on the profit!!

    2. Generation[redacted]

      Two bits only gives you 4 words of addressable space. Yes, I'm a computer nerd, and I throw in my 2 bits.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    1. No cleavage….
    2. Skirts no more than three finger-widths above the knee….
    3. Save the stilettos for Saturday night on a date with your boyfriend…
    4. Bend at the knee. No, I don’t want to see your butt.

    "I'm looking at you, K-Lo."

  4. SorosBot

    Hey, Erick and Melissa; people who fuck are acting like grown-ups; it's the puritanical scolds like you who are horrified at the idea of other people's genitals touching that are immature idiots who have to grow up and learn to act like adults who don't give a shit about others' sex lives.

    1. Negligently_Joe

      As someone on the Twatter noted:

      Literal White Supremacists invited to speak at CPAC? NBD. Adults exercising responsible sexual practices? TOTAL MORAL OUTRAGE.

      Honestly, the fact that condoms elicit a greater outrage than white supremacists pretty much summarizes the entire Republican party in a single instant.

  5. Negligently_Joe

    As a geek, I was pretty sure the point of going to conventions of any sort was to get laid? Admittedly, CPAC is sort of the worst con in existance, -even their cosplayers are extra-awful- but still.

  6. Ducksworthy

    Dear Wonkette.

    I'm sorry but I'm going to have to stop coming here for the smut if this is the best you can do. I keep waiting for a picture of a CPAC slut doing something obscene with an elephant. And this is the best you can do?

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Erickson would insist the "smut" of which you speak is for liebrulz and co-eds who haven't outgrown their hormone-bedeviled ways. He is privately jealous CPAC couldn't book the Platypus furry in time for shaking some booty the clean-cut, line-dancing wholesome way.

  7. orygoon

    So, CPAC is a big hookup. I read they had 10,000 attendees, and wondered why. Thanks for the explanation.

  8. chicken_thief

    "All to often there are also a few young ladies willing to shame their parents if their parents only knew."

    Who knew? Next year, CPAC for me!!!

  9. bumfug

    Good luck, Melissa Clouthier, with your campaign to get the girls to stop wearing miniskirts. Look at their role models like Ann Coulter – if the skirt Ann wore at CPAC was any shorter you could have seen her nuts.

  10. MissTaken

    because someone is allowing these girls out of the house with mini-skirts that reveal too much

    Wait! Women are allowed OUT of the house? No wonder we should expect to be raped.

    1. SorosBot

      And just who is allowing them out of the house like that anyway? I mean these are women, not people who can actually live their own lives and make decisions for themselves.

      1. MissTaken

        Exactly! Just this weekend there was a man in my house who had to approve of what I was wearing because I'm incapable of dressing myself.

        1. SorosBot

          Well I hope this man didn't allow you to wear anything slutty like cleavage-revealing shirts or sexy underwear; otherwise your parents would be shamed.

          1. MittBorg

            I kept hearing what sounded like prayer, interspersed with high-pitched noises, but I attributed it, mistakenly, apparently to the ravages of old age and tinnitus. (clears throat, bats lashes, stares expectantly at Miss T)

            I take it SB graced you with a visit?

          2. MissTaken

            I know! The idea of you and I having just spent an incredible weekend together is crazytalk. Crazy I tell ya!

          3. banana_bread

            I know I'm new around these parts but I wanted to say that since you're two of my favorite commenters, this is totally awesome. Mazel tov!

          4. SorosBot

            The weird thing is it just came up this morning, linked from the AV Club (for obvious reasons). That was eerie timing. Or, I mean, it would be, if what some people got the idea we did this weekend happened.

          5. Designer_Rants

            Quote of the Day:

            “I got to the airport early because I was nervous. We’d sent each other pictures and talked and whatnot but there was still the lingering fear of ‘what if she has a dick?’”

          6. MissTaken

            It's okay, SB is the only one with my email. Although I did have to fight off Barb and her uterus for him.

  11. YasserArraFeck

    I'd say those chicks were just asking to be raped, but the guys are….you know……republicans….

  12. Eve8Apples

    Why does Erickson assume those boys were buying condoms for sex with women? I heard some odd sheep noises coming from the Marriott gift shop closet.

  13. actor212

    First, are these young people being taught anything by their parents? I was at another service-oriented gathering of young women where the girls were in tight bandeau-skirts (you know, the kind of tube-top skirts that hookers wear on street corners?). They were sitting with their mothers. What is going on here?

    Considering they were sitting with their mothers, who were wearing tube tops and low rider jeans, at moms' arraignment for meth, I'd say yes.

  14. sunmusing

    Ahh Jim, now I know why the Wonkettes were creaming their jeans when news of your return hit the tubes, you are fucking funny. Now I'm gonna have to go read your previous leavings.

  15. MrFizzy

    Is there a rule among conservatives that every adult male who's going be in the club has to look like he's been hit in the face with a frying pan?

  16. actor212

    2. Skirts no more than three finger-widths above the knee. Why do I even have to write this? Well, because someone is allowing these girls out of the house with mini-skirts that reveal too much.

    *sigh* This reminds me of the old patriarchal test to see if a mini was too long…

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    "3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man?"

    Any of you single ladies out there in need of "empowerment?" (nudge nudge wink wink)

  18. owhatever

    Major Frank Burns and Hot Lips — the founders of CPAC — approve of these reminders of proper moral behavior.

  19. mavenmaven

    The sad part is that what you read above is exactly what these sickos want to do to the whole country. And then they complain about sharia law…

  20. EatsBabyDingos

    Erick the Rude is pissed that he didn't get any sexytime with the intern Babettes. Maybe if he wasn't handing out Fruit Trollops in condoms…

    1. Loaded_Pants

      That was my first thought, too. Obviously these two went to CPAC to get laid (along with everyone else), didn't get laid, & are bitter about it. Too bad these two didn't hook up together.

  21. DaRooster

    They bus in those young Repugnants… most of them have applied for scholarships and are required to go… so of course they are going to make the best of it.
    (Whores)

  22. BaldarTFlagass

    Erickson is just pissed off that the roofies he slipped to Pam Gellar didn't work. "I figured they would be really good; I mean, I bought them from a Negro!"

  23. MissTaken

    Don't know about you all but that Dwight D. Duck is making me feel all kinds of naughty right now. Quack quack!

  24. Blueb4sunrise

    "….doing what young men in college often do.
    All to [sic] often there are also a few young ladies
    willing to shame their parents
    if their parents only knew."

    Stolen from the theme song to the 1961 classic
    Hot Rod CPAC Sluts

  25. HelmutNewton

    "There in line were a half dozen young men, each with CPAC credentials around their necks and each buying condoms."

    Ummm, he does know that they were after some Santorum, right? They don't want anything to do with people of the opposite sex.

    1. GOPCrusher

      They should be congratulated for using their common sense. If you're going to have anonymous sex with someone that advertised on Craigslist, using a condom sounds like a good idea.

  26. Radiotherapy

    You know where else you should put three fingers above the knee?
    ♪ ♫ Take the skinheads bowling. ♪ ♫

  27. SayItWithWookies

    Well, if that doesn't speak to the failure of abstinence-only indoctrination, then nothing does. Maybe next year's CPAC should be dry and the women forced to stay in a separate hotel from the men, and chaperoned, just to keep the shenanigans under control. I mean, make it like the America you want to see, right Erick? It'll be fun watching your moral crusade die from lack of interest — though looking at the attendees of this year's ogrefest, I can't understand why that hasn't happened already.

    1. Eve8Apples

      I would love to see a Survivor type series where they take a bunch of Evangelical Christian conservatives, isolate them on an island and actually force them to live the lifestyle they want to force upon the rest of us. By the series end, they will have all died by suicide or murder.

    2. Shellwith2Ls

      I don't think segregating the sexes will stop the shenanigans since, based on the Craigslist ads, they weren't interested in women anyway.

  28. Eve8Apples

    I think Erick and Melissa have valid points. We should discourage CPAC attendees from breeding. It just contaminates the gene pool. Chastity belts will be required for all CPAC attendees in the future.

    1. Rotundo_

      A humane tagging and neutering program for the males could be easily be achieved with net guns, tasers and dart guns, cull them, nut them, put a big plastic tag in their ear (or do like they do with pigs and notch them) and release them, stunned and a little dopey (like usual) back into the herd.

  29. chicken_thief

    "…and I was dismayed to see how many of them either looked frumpish or like two-bit whores. "

    In the former category: Melissa herself, Lou Sarah, and all those 2 Ton Tessies on scooters. In the latter: all the hot chicks that she is jealous of.

  30. KeepFnThatChicken

    Wait, wait… I'm trying to profile why a young person — a "person of youth", as it were — would attend anything like CPAC for tail.

    I mean, if I were chasing trim, I'd give Sarah Palin a glance. I'd shove a cork in Laura Ingraham's mouth. I'd ask Ann Coulter for a match. I'd curiously ask Michelle Malkin if it's sideways.

    And then I would go to my hotel room and call Bristol or Meghan McCain, because they are the only party favors I'd find at this event.

    1. gullywompr

      "I'm trying to profile why a young person — a "person of youth", as it were — would attend anything like CPAC for tail."

      You just answered your own question.

    2. Rotundo_

      Hand Malkin a ping-pong ball wrapped in a fiver and enjoy the show, you'll get the lay of the land and one of the meanest serves in table tennis that was ever delivered hands free.

  31. Callyson

    have women so internalized feminist dogma that they see themselves in only two ways? Butch, men-lite wannabes or 3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man?
    FFS, the whole *point* of the feminist movement is to move away from idiotic dichotomies like this, you moran.
    Oh, why even bother trying to explain to someone like this. Erickson, go hire a hooker already and come back when you're not so desperately horny yourself…

    1. SorosBot

      Silly women, thinking that their opinions matter and that they are not just their for mens' enjoyment.

    2. MadBrahms

      This is a group that still thinks "queer" is an adjective used to describe steam carriages and negroes in the workforce.

      Also, if we're really going to do a feminist critique, some of the coverage from the Internet Males on the left has been pretty gross, too. Because women, they are dumb! Showing two of them proves that clearly, they couldn't possibly care about politics, because BOYS THEY R SO CUTE

  32. el_donaldo

    Ban genitals at CPAC? Forgive me for making the obvious correction, but it would appear they're banning female genitals. Apparently it would be just fine for Erik Son of Erik and Dr. Clothier Than Thou if the strapping young men of CPAC were to walk around pantsless and tumescent. It's the women that seem to be causing all the problems.

  33. gullywompr

    Those horny guys are just going to get blue balls, CPAC girls are only there to hook up with Ron Paul.

  34. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Isn't that cute that Erick, son of Erick believes that the boys at CPAC were getting condoms to use with women.

  35. fuflans

    the google valentine doodle ends with a montage including gay couples.

    with delight, i imagine wingnuts heads asploding.

  36. flamingpdog

    CPAC dudes out on the street in D. C. with their CPAC credentials around their necks? Fox pundit wonders why they don't expect to get raped.

  37. Sassomatic

    Why do I even have to write this? Well, because someone is allowing these girls out of the house with mini-skirts that reveal too much. kitchen. Who let this bitch learn to write anyway?

  38. Chichikovovich

    full dozen or two ladies at CPAC … each being pursued by 10,000 sex-starved young conservative males.

    An old joke, but never truer than it is here:
    The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

  39. YouBetcha

    Yes. Because the solution to puritanical, repressive, narrow-minded ideology is LESS SEX. Fucking brilliant.

  40. SolitaireRose

    I hate it when the "Douchetard frat boy" wing of the party fights with the "Burn the witches, and by witches we mean anyone who believes in crazy non-Jesus science like gravity and a round Earth" wing of the party. Hopefully a healing figure like James Dobson can work out their problems.

  41. Tundra Grifter

    Fashion advice from Melissa Clouthier makes about as much sense as diet tips from Ole Newt hisself.

  42. thefrontpage

    I only went to CPAC one day–Saturday–and ended up having sex with two girls and two guys! It was an orgy situation on the sixth floor of the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel about 6 p.m. on Saturday. Everyone was in their twenties, and no one seemed to care about politics. And no one really seemed that "conservative." The partying went on for about two hours or so. That's the real CPAC!! And this was likely going on all over that hotel for all three days–again, that's reality. Who are these prudish morons to dictate anyone else's fun? That's just moronic, and out of touch with reality.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Those poor people working in the housekeeping, having to wash all that santorum out of the sheets.

  43. Negligently_Joe

    Wait, I'm confused: the religious fanatics that complain about people dressing immodestly and saying that women are inviting rape by associating with men at all, also hate fundamentalist Islam, though?

  44. Negligently_Joe

    Also, I hate to break it to Ewick, but if Craigslist (and in this modern age, Grindr) is any indication, those "young men with CPAC credentials" who were picking up condoms? Not sexing the ladies.

      1. MittBorg

        After that Craigslist Cumexplosion, all I can say is either they've got an almighty fucking nerve, or they're so painfully divorced from reality as to still be in Stage IV Trauma.

        1. Nothingisamiss

          MittBorg, thanks and SORRY for the "gay {person}" mistake. I was typing quickly, knew something sounded off and I AM SORRY. I'd apologize on the comment itself, but I think it's been deleted.

          *hangs head in shame* and I'm not kidding.

          1. MittBorg

            Hey, sweetie! Did you notice I didn't say word one about how you were hatefully opressing me and mine and a homophobe and yada yada? That's because I KNEW it was a good faith mistake. I was just doing my good little LGBTQFAGGIT!!!/EditingQueen/StyleManualGuru bit for the planet, like I'm supposed to.

            Now you stop worrying, because NOTHING is amiss. You hear me young lady/gentleman/person of indeterminate persuasion? NOTHING.

            (Hugs the poor sufferer)

  45. Dashboard Buddha

    Seriously…I'm 50 going on 13. I'm like a kitten with a particularly attractive bit of string.

  46. kissawookiee

    Lots and lots and lots of young men gearing up for sexytime, and… "a few" young women. QED, Erick. Q. E. Fuckin'. D.

  47. Streiffert

    So when Erick son of Erick was in his twenties he noticed guys his age acting like guys. And now that he's in his thirties he's noticing guys his age acting like guys. When he's 75 he'll be stunned by the old men who hit on their nurses.

  48. rickmaci

    More evidence the "Cultural War" is a lot like the Civil War. The "cultural slavery" side lost years ago but doesn't want to admit it, is frustrated by the failure of their efforts to reverse history and is obsessively dedicated to a revisionist history that perpetrates the lie that they won.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I think "Dr." Clouthier was also outraged with young ladies exposing their necks, a bit of ankle, and their wrists. But she choose not to express that in an attempt to seem more reasonable & more "with it".

        1. MittBorg

          Yeah, I kinda figured that. And these miserable prix want to control the sex lives of the non-celibate, non-religious, non-brainwashed. Miserable fuckers.

  49. whatupirondog

    Totally agree. What's wrong with these young republican lasses? You would think that these ladies were constantly being alternately demeaned by and pandered to by their own political party causing them to become desperate for any type of male confirmation of their worth even if that confirmation is somehow gained by being used as a fuck toy for some drunken college republican frat boy douchebag.

    This is all the fault, of course, of the liberal media and Hollywood.

  50. Redhead

    Dr. Melissa's just looking out for those girls. Everyone knows conservative men aren't responsible for their actions, and if they see a bit of skin and get turned on, well, it's totally that girl's fault for daring to show her knees. And she might even get above the acceptable level of rape, if she shows enough skin, and that would be just SO shameful for her family, if they found out.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        No shit. I dare you to try to make it through a couple of her blog posts. Someone's got more baggage than Vuitton.

    1. MittBorg

      See Trog's comment, and also too if Ms. Clouthier ever wore a bandana skirt that did not tie above her head and below her feet, the human species might suddenly become infertile en masse if they should, you know, see such a thing. (faints)

  51. Troglodeity

    "There in line were a half dozen young men, each with CPAC credentials around their necks and each buying condoms."

    Yeah, right. Because young men buying condoms typically stand in lines six deep to do so, proudly displaying their boxes of Trojans for all to see, instead of ashamedly hiding them between news magazines and cold remedies.

    1. MittBorg

      Honey, these guys are openly advertising on Craigslist for gang-butt-reamings and bukkake. I honestly doubt they're overly shy about being seen in public with condoms. In fact, the little sluts are probly wearing their lanyard badges as a pickup opportunity.

      1. MittBorg

        You know I'm just DYING to say something snarky to you, but out of respect for your recent rush of well-deserved happeh, I am holding mah tongue. Wiv bofe hands.

  52. Schmegeg

    "More troubling, while in 2005 it seemed to be just college kids, as the years have passed it is not just the 18 to 21 year old set, but the twenty and thirty somethings who just can’t seem to grow up."

    It's the same people, you blithering idiot

  53. lulzmonger

    IN: Slut-shaming GOP Youth (= the under-50s).

    OUT: Cause & effect.

    If you get lots of people together who are all worked up about the same thing/s, that nervous energy will then sublimate itself through multiple sundry alternative pathways, thus you can bet your Bippy that before long There Will Be Boinking.

  54. comrad_darkness

    > I am more than a bit shocked by the young men at CPAC this year who just seemingly refuse to grow up or act their age.

    Funny, this is exactly what I always say about every republican representative and governor.

  55. Slim_Pickins

    Erick didn't forget his notepad, there was just no room for it among the gross of rubbers he brought for gay sex. This foresight keep him out of the condom line at CVS.

  56. spinozasgod

    "Second, have women so internalized feminist dogma that they see themselves in only two ways? Butch, men-lite wannabes or 3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man?"

    so this is what conservatives got out of the women's movement? no wonder we are having to fight for reproductive rights again.

  57. Catabite

    "Ew, girls, stop showing so much lady-skin, you're grossing out the closeted gay men and making the bitter old women jealous!"

Comments are closed.