YEEEEESSSHHHH  11:14 am February 14, 2012

Newt Gingrich Wishes You A Very Disgusting Valentine’s Day

by Jim Newell

Wait, wait, we’ll tell you all about Newt Gingrich’s plans to get laid tonight in just a second — that is what you all want to read about, right? — but first: This Newt Gingrich “Valentine’s Day attack site,” Liberals Love Romney. It points out that Romney and various liberal men are gay for each other, which is hardly news. See it? There’s Al Gore, there’s Barack Obama, there’s George Soros, there’s Saul Alinsky. Oh, a lady — she needs to leave. It’s going to be a great Valentine’s night for Mitt Romney, according to this dumb Newt Gingrich website. What’s in store for Gingrich himself? Just go ahead and vomit now, to get it out of the way.

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate. People in the audience hooted audibly.

Almost (but not quite) embarrassed, Gingrich looked around to supporters on stage and joked, “After that question, I need something a little stronger than water.”

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?” A man behind him on the stage smiled knowingly.

The candidate, grinning, held his hands up, “But I’m not going to get into — no more details!”

It sounds like they’re going to… drink chamomile tea and watch Masterpiece Theatre before calling it an early evening in their separate beds. Gross! Did we just ruin your Valentine’s Day? Suckers.

[Fox News]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 255 comments }

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:15 am

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope that everyone gets to use the "special lube" tonight!

Terry February 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

Newt's special lube is a box in a particular turquoise blue tied with a white ribbon.

chascates February 14, 2012 at 11:23 am

I hope you are doing well!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

Thanks for caring! I hope you have a great Valentine's Day!

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 11:24 am

For me: Laundry, light drinking, and masturbation, if I don't pass out first.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:34 am

Small load? Going to be doing it by hand?

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

Yes, unfortunately. It's ok though, an old flame is flying down thursday for a 4 day visit, and I'm sure she's not going to spend all that money on airfare for a handshake and a chaste peck on the cheek.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

Get on with your bad self, Baldar! Are you going to take her out for pancakes?

GunToting[Redacted] February 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I'm unclear as to whether this questions references the laundry, or, uh, other things mentioned in BTF's plans.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 11:38 am

That's why I always masturbate first. Priorities.

DaRooster February 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

But then I pass out before laundry gets done…

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 11:43 am

Wait, I thought you liked to "ride the agitator," as it were.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

That's how MissTaken multitasks.

freakishlywrong February 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

Did I post that? Happy VD, all!

Spurning Beer February 14, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I'm afraid the "special lube" Mrs. Beer and I bring out on Valentine's Day is Jiffy Lube.

themcwow February 14, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Already did! Happy Valentine's to you too!

natoslug February 14, 2012 at 2:29 pm

The wife's been too busy hosting a little colony of MRSA in her leg for the past two weeks, so the only "special lube" around here is going to be the nasty bit of drainage in the bandaging that I get to change.

nounverb911 February 14, 2012 at 11:15 am

Did Mitten's baptize Saul Alinsky too?

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

Saul baptized Daddy Romney.

V572 Flambé February 14, 2012 at 11:16 am

St Hallmark's Day was asking for it. You're next, "Mother's" Day.

DaRooster February 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I missed out on the big purchases of Martin Luther King Day cards.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:16 am

Ann Coulter's Valentine's message:
"My Valentine runs on batteries."

OneDollarJuana February 14, 2012 at 11:24 am

I bet her batteries play dead, though.

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 11:29 am

"My Valentine runs on batteries."

Batteries the size of a Volkswagen.

Dashboard Buddha February 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

Ann: Are you ready my little friend?

Little Friend: Not tonight, Ann…I have a dead battery.

Millennial Malaise February 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

Huh. Me and Raggedy Ann have something in common then.

FNMA February 14, 2012 at 11:56 am

I hadn't realized they made a battery-powered Fleshlight. Live and learn…

GOPCrusher February 14, 2012 at 12:44 pm

LOL! Great minds……

bagofmice February 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

Unlike Gingrich, batteries are somewhat dependable. If you go full hitachi, your only limits are cord length.

VinnyThePooh February 14, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Mann used a Date Rape program so she could lay some pipe in C3PO's exhaust port.

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm

You can tell Ann has a really special date tonight. She even shaved her balls for it.

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 11:17 am

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate.

"I'm getting her a Tiffany's diamond the size of my dick!!!" responded Newt.

chascates February 14, 2012 at 11:19 am

And the woman replied, "Small enough for an earring, eh?"

Texan_Bulldog February 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

Well, that won't take much out of his $500K credit line. Now, if you'd said the size of his ego and douchebaggery, he would have needed to take out a 2nd line of credit.

GOPCrusher February 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Newt's a cheap fucker.

Steverino247 February 14, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Who sells stereo needles anymore?

manythousands February 14, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I'll settle for a diamond tip….

Chillwillard February 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

Newt's V-day card reads: "Will you be my (cancer-free) Valentine?"

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 11:23 am

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[HEH!}

SolitaireRose February 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

Um….you forgot MS. PLZ CORRECT!

ifthethunderdontgetya February 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

"Steak and blowjob", oinked Pig Newton.

"Not like that homo for healthcare, Gay Rmoney!"
~

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 12:01 pm

This whole concept makes me nauseous.

And that's just contemplating Callista naked…

Guppy February 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Giving or receiving?

chascates February 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Gingrich is desperate,
Santorum will be too!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

Roses are red,
and brought here by Cupid.
If you vote for any of these clowns,
You'd have to be stupid.

Oblios_Cap February 14, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Roses are red,
the Voters are blue,
for Valentine's Day
like the GOP, you got nothing, too.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:19 am

"Every year, girls are like, 'This is the year I get diamonds!' And guys are like, 'This is the year I get a blowjob!' Everybody's disappointed."

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

While a man like Newt, in tune with a woman's needs, understands that you need to give to receive. Let no one say he doesn't leave Callista satisfied, in her fashion. No Continental kiss on the hand for her.

Steverino247 February 14, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I once had a female co-worker who hated her wedding anniversary. When I asked her why (because most women really look forward to it), she replied, "Because that's the only day he gets a blowjob, that's why!"

Which is why I don't ask questions anymore…

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?”

AAAaaannnnddd…..now I'm celibate. Thanks.

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

My guess was "on the rag", but surely she's past that stage. "Got a headache" is more likely.

Dashboard Buddha February 14, 2012 at 11:36 am

No no…she's not on the rag. She has an "infection".

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 11:29 am

I think I threw up in my mouth a little after reading that. And also the part about Newt's plans with the alien Botox queen.

edgydrifter February 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

I figure she'll be ramming her ovipositor down his throat as is her custom on special occassions. One of these days Newt is going to explode during a stump speech and shower the audience with hundreds of Callista larvae. Stay tuned!

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 11:59 am

Man, that's a vision. *shiver*

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm

She learned this technique from Cindy McCain's Sex Column.

Dashboard_Jesus February 15, 2012 at 3:14 am

that is such a major fucking WIN! that I can't think of words to express my admiration…well played sir, well played

tihond February 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

A lesbian? A sexless robot? a former kicker for the Miami Dolphins?

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

An ostrich who pecks at his teeny-tiny penis?

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

She's a prototype animatronic Real Doll; obviously they still have a few design flaws to work out until they can make one that looks like a human being.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I think I will wait to purchase. Or, can you lease an animatronic Real Doll?

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Yeah, but you HAVE to wipe it out before you return it. Seriously, not only is it rude not to, it is unsanitary. Thanks.

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 1:14 pm

They tried really hard to come up with a catchy "Be kind, Rewind!" type slogan, but nothing worked.

"Be a Bro, wipe you wasted man-seed out of the robot's throat!" was just not the same.

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 12:06 pm

"The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping."
"What do you mean, I'm not helping? "
"I mean: you're not helping! Why is that, Callista?"

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

Liberals love Mitt Romney? Speaking as a liberal, no I don't.

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Well, to the extent that any announced Republican candidate pretty much guarantees Obama's second term, I do.

Crank_Tango February 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Run, Sarah run, I say.

GOPCrusher February 14, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I guess I missed the memo about liberals being big fans of people that make millions by putting people out of work.

Lascauxcaveman February 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

"Liberals Love Romney"? !

Hell, as a group I'd say we're not even that fond of Obama.

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

Newt who?

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

You know – the Historian guy. The one that fundamentally and profoundly transformed Freddie Mac with knowledge of history.

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

He chronicled the shit out of their history!!

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

Thus giving them the foundation to make wise, forward-looking financial decisions.

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Or at least invent the excuse that it was the Poorz and the Community Reinvestment Act that caused the Financial Crisis, not scummy lenders and lack of government oversight.

V572 Flambé February 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

You could hope that Newt would disappear after this humiliating, ignominious defeat, every iota of which is a direct result of his hubris and lack of self-awareness. But the example of Panamanian strongman Juan McCain proves that it won't be so, goddammit.

Chillwillard February 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

"All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night”

It goes without saying that this is good news for Tiffanys.

Joshua Norton February 14, 2012 at 11:21 am

I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night

Well, someone will be happy. As Newtie well knows, Every kiss begins with "Kay", but BJ's begin at Tiffany's.

Eve8Apples February 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

I thought BJs began with cheap tequila shots.

IncenseDebate February 14, 2012 at 11:21 am

Worst KY Intense ad ever!

Man0nTheStreet February 14, 2012 at 12:37 pm

That's because it's really an Old spice ad!

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 12:50 pm

"Ladies. Look at your man. Now. Look back at me. Now. Look at your man. Look back at me…………………………."

Not_So_Much February 14, 2012 at 11:21 am

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?”

Well, I'm going to assume she has shingles and divorce her old ass. But I have a 27 year-old intern that can suck a golf ball through a hose. So she and I are taking a tub of lard and some edible XXXXXL undies and heading to Tiffanys, bitches!

LabRodent February 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

LabRodent loves his wife. Happy Valentines Day!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:25 am

That is very sweet, thanks for sharing.
I get tired of people who bitch about Valentine's Day. Don't celebrate it if you don't want to. I can't wait to have dinner with my Valentine tonight. Happy Valentine's Day to you and your lucky wife.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

"I get tired of people who bitch about Valentine's Day"

Hey, I resemble that remark!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:31 am

Happy Valentine's Day Soros! 11 more days until your birthday.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 11:43 am

Aw, thanks. And how are your pain meds doing?

LabRodent February 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

thanks barb. have a great dinner with your Valentine tonight.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

Thanks Lab Rodent!

BigDumbRedDog February 14, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Now that it's almost legal in WA maybe I will look into getting one of those wives. Although I may need some new moves. Staring awkwardly and mumbling incoherently at the ladies is miminally effective. Also, glad to have you back Barb. I think of you as my guru of snark and I study at your feet.

Lascauxcaveman February 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

Caveman loves his wife too, but just wishes she'd love him back a little more often, if you know what I mean.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:29 am

Awww, bless your heart. Mrs Caveman, please toss him a little somethin' somethin' tonight and make his toes curl like bacon!

proudgrampa February 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Sorry that I'm a little late to the lovefest, but Happy Valentine's Day, Barb! I know what Mrs proudgrampa went through in her surgeries. At the end of the day, it's all about a positive attitude, and you show that in everything you write.

Take care, sweetie!

Love,

proudgrampa

Barb February 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Thanks Proud! Hugs to you and your Mrs.

Lascauxcaveman February 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm

make his toes curl like bacon!

LOL, it's like you were a fly on the ceiling. Not anytime recently, however.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 11:34 am

Very adorable, enjoy your Valentine's day!

Lascauxcaveman February 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

Also, it looks like Al Gore has lost quite a bit of weight. Finally getting around to reducing your personal cow-eating carbon footprint, eh Al?

bagofmice February 14, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Actually you should be more interested in the methane footprint. Granted, methane is made of mostly hydrogen, but is significant when it comes to global warming.

Lascauxcaveman February 14, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Yeah, cow farts are very greenhouse-y. As are all the millions of gallons of fossil fuels we dump into growing the millions of tons of corn we dump into the feedlots to get those cows nice and fat for butchering. It's getting harder and harder to justify that huge, fatty, richly marinaded 7-bone roast I toss on the grill for my family's weekly beef orgy, much as we love it.

At least I've weened myself off my regular hamburger habit, though Jack In The Box is a constant temptation, just up the street with their huge, never ending, highly advertised combo deals.

Dashboard Buddha February 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

Can Unctuous Newt Trivialize valentine's day?

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 11:23 am

and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?”

Frigid?

SolitaireRose February 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

Scared of being crushed.

By his EGO, people. The fat jokes are far to easy!

Barrelhse February 14, 2012 at 12:26 pm

A virgin?

KeepFnThatChicken February 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm

got a visitor?

LiveToServeYa February 14, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Lesbian. After years of marriage to Newt, who wouldn't be?

MosesInvests February 14, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Too busy hunting howler monkeys?

johnnyzhivago February 14, 2012 at 11:23 am

Romney's new frontrunner strategy: Lead from behind.

Man0nTheStreet February 14, 2012 at 12:41 pm

***Mittbott 2000i Run-time Cobol code****

10) Lead From Behind
20) Lick Santorum
30) ?????1001011???
40) Profit!

SudsMcKenzie February 14, 2012 at 11:23 am

They forgot Bin Laden.

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 11:23 am

Smoove B he ain't.

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

Though early on in their relationship, Newt gave Callista a copy of Velvet Jones' I Wanna be a Ho, which she really took to heart.

ThundercatHo February 14, 2012 at 11:24 am

I always wondered how one developed an eating disorder. Now I know.

KeepFnThatChicken February 14, 2012 at 11:24 am

Mitt,

We get it. Your base hates liberals.

Regards,
Liberals

EatsBabyDingos February 14, 2012 at 11:25 am

Free dinners at the Abortoplex.

tihond February 14, 2012 at 11:51 am

I heard the Orange Julius stand is good.

Geminisunmars February 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

They're serving little fried calamari or something.

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Except in Oklahoma

MissNancyPriss February 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

Ugh, ew, not cool, Wonkette, not cool at all.

fartknocker February 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

Too much information Newt.

Biff February 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

Way to ruin the mood.

Lucidamente1 February 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “I'm going to tell her that if I don't become president I'm planning on killing myself.”

Geminisunmars February 14, 2012 at 11:50 am

A happy Valentine's Day message for us all.

widestanceshakedown February 14, 2012 at 12:12 pm

At which point, she hocked every jewel and gem she owns to donate to Romney.

Dashboard Buddha February 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm

"Mitt…remember when I gave unto my delegates so you could beat Obama and you called me a good sport?"

"Yes, Newt"

"Well, you lost you dumb fuck. Now I'm going to kill myself"

"Saaaaay, Newt…you ARE a good sport!"

John Birf Society February 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

Newt Gingrich, better than saltpeter.
Disclaimer: Although Potassium nitrate does not function as an anaphrodisiac, any exposure to Newt Gingrich will quell your libido. For best results avoid prolonged exposure to Newt.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 12:06 pm

"If Newt remains around you for more than four hours, seek professional advice. Don't operate Calista if you are under the influence of Newt. In rare cases, death has been reported………………………….."

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 12:35 pm

See a physician if you experience an erection lasting more than four seconds while in the presence of Newt and Callista.

Steverino247 February 14, 2012 at 1:06 pm

In case of four year election of Newt Gingrich to President, see your Canadian consulate for immigration information.

FNMA February 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

Isn't that Newt's favorite position?
There goes breakfast…

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

SANTORUM LIBEL!!111!!!

SolitaireRose February 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

Wow, with Newt's kind of sweet talking on display, it's clear that it's his personality and not his power and money that draws all of the ladies.

meatlofer February 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

I threw up a little in my mouth.

freakishlywrong February 14, 2012 at 11:31 am

In the spirit of Valentines Day; Fuck all you fucking Conservatives. Drop Dead.

DaRooster February 14, 2012 at 11:33 am

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?”

"Well ya know she has contracted a deadly disease so I am going to talk to her about an open marriage… By the way Ms. Latino Lady, What are you doing for Valentine's Day?"

Oblios_Cap February 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

"Who in the Hell are you talking about?" was the response I expected.

How do I stop this page from from rolling to the top of the article everytime I click the mouse?

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Gawd, I hope it doesn't do that on the Rudy Ghouliani in tights article…

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

"Once you go brown, you'll be throwin' down!"

freakishlywrong February 14, 2012 at 11:34 am

a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser
Wait, what? Really, Hispanics?

Geminisunmars February 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

All three of them.

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

What? Angle said they were Asian!

kissawookiee February 14, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Marco's gotta have siblings to spare. You know how those people are, dropping babies left and right.

Guppy February 14, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Chilean models.

Dashboard Buddha February 14, 2012 at 11:35 am

For Callista's sake, I hope Newt isn't a vegetarian.
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/does-peta-ad-

Hell…who am I kidding. Newt is a larditarian and bullshititarian.

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 11:36 am

Newt paused, then crooned, "Some enchanted evening…you may see a stranger…" as conservative lady-squeals and plus-size ladies bloomers showered him. "I told you guys I was gonna do it!"

gullywompr February 14, 2012 at 11:59 am

Please, no more Republican singing.

DaRooster February 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

"It sounds like they’re going to… drink chamomile tea…"

Well that should help Calista settle her tummy after the sexy time… (*burp*)

Oblios_Cap February 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

If, during dinner tonight, Newtie plays her a recording of Obama channeling Al Green, he'll get lucky for sure!

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 11:38 am

I don't think that tops Obummer's rendition of Al Green.

OC_Surf_Serf February 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

…reconnect a little bit

Yeah, Callista (President , Gingrich Productions) may get drunk enough to actually touch your little penis.

SudsMcKenzie February 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

They may need a "staffer" to find it first.

Dashboard Buddha February 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

That's what they call Callista's fluffer, isn't it?

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

That's a thin line: drunk enough to get up the courage, but not drunk enough that she can't find it

ManchuCandidate February 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

Oh Newt you're such a tool. No one loves Romney unless they have to or get paid to.

DemonicRage February 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

This little Valentine piffle is so off-base. Mitt's secret message (sent dog whistle style) is: I have raised 5 tall sons with good posture. Escaping the national average, not one of them has gone over to the ghays. If I am President, I will slap down all the National attempts to let ghays marry. So portraying Mitt as the object of ghay affection is completely missing the central message he is trying to sell.

chascates February 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

The idea of the Pillsbury Dough Boy attempting to pleasure the Ice Queen isn't something I can think about. More likely she'll drop an extra Xanax and give him a blow job while he recites his planned inaugural address while listening to 'Eye of the Tiger'.

elburritodeluxe February 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

"…and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “You know?”

We're hosting a swingers party?
We're taping a threeway and uploading it to youporn?
Help us here!

Indiepalin February 14, 2012 at 11:41 am

Who the fuck is Saul Alinsky?

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

I don't know, but he seems to be a popular speaker at right wing conventions.

SudsMcKenzie February 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

I think he was in Godfather III.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm

It was Godfather II.

Remember "This is the business we have chosen.", "Saul Alinsky always makes money for his partners." etc.

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Nah. That was Milton Friedman

GOPCrusher February 14, 2012 at 12:56 pm

"Michael, we're bigger than U.S. Steel."

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 12:04 pm

He was Hitler's top National Socialist — the one who put "Socialist" in the name! After the War, Roosevelt snuck him over here via Operation Moneyclip to work on the top-secret Class War Program.

Nothingisamiss February 14, 2012 at 12:06 pm

He was on his way to Damscus, got struck down, went blind, and became Paul Wolfowitz.

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Chief zombie on The Walking Dead?

johnnyzhivago February 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Prime Minister of Israel

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

He rode a tank, held a general's rank
While the blitzkrieg raged, and the bodies stank.

chascates February 14, 2012 at 12:12 pm

In typical American fashion a champion of the underdog now vilified for his efforts. http://billmoyers.com/content/who-is-saul-alinsky

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

The Chicago thug who introduced The One's mother to Malcolm X!!!!1!!1!!!1!

mrblifil February 14, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Some sneaky Jew. Need more be said?

HarryButtle February 14, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Nope, that boils it down perfectly.

MosesInvests February 14, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I believe the proper term (at least in the South) is "got-damn n*gg*r-lovin' Joo communis'".

Radiotherapy February 14, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I don't know, but Conservatives Love Saul Alinsky!!1!

Sharkey February 14, 2012 at 11:41 am

Picture dry, painful anal sex with no climax.

He will make Santorum proud.

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 11:42 am

If you click on the link you can see Romney's watch in the pic. I'm pretty sure he's wearing a Timex just like mine!

elburritodeluxe February 14, 2012 at 11:43 am

Romney has to get a little more consistent on the amount of white he leaves on the temples when he dyes his hair – it varies from photo to photo.

Generation[redacted] February 14, 2012 at 11:45 am

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?”

"Which one?"

Guppy February 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

"The beautiful one" seems to rule out Callista.

Chet Kincaid February 14, 2012 at 11:45 am

On this Special Day, just imagine whatever Barry is whispering into Michelle's ear in every single photo of the two of them. Then if you're at work, beg off to go home and change your underwear.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

Seriously. The way Barack and Michelle look at each other you know they have a very active and enthusiastic sex life.

JustPixelz February 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

"All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,”

He's divorcing her?!?

smashedinhat February 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

I would rather drag my face through a bag of hammers than think of Newt in any kind of sexy time situation, and yet people applaud this scenario? The stomach is churning…

chicken_thief February 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm

In the subset of the population that are "Newt followers", he is one of the better looking. And he can still walk unassisted!

smashedinhat February 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I bet, in his bathroom, he has a sponge on the end of a stick.

slowhansolo February 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

Enjoy it while you can, all you happy couples.

JustPixelz February 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

"…reconnect…"

I hope they're using protection. OH WAIT. He's against contraception. Um … shouldn't he have more kids? Unless he's not "connecting" as much as he wants us to think.

Millennial Malaise February 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

If Newt spends as much effort tonight as he did on this bootleg jib jab holiday card (ie: none whatsoever), she will be very happy indeed.

Save u the effort and just leave the diamond on the nightstand.

Blueb4sunrise February 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

Tiffany's or Toilet?

A newlywed woman in a village in the Indian state of Madhya Pradesh has won her struggle to have a toilet at her husband's home.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-170228

Eve8Apples February 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued.

Herman Cain is dropping by with his large pepperoni for a 3 way. She'll be screaming "sixty nine fuckin' nine nine" all night long.

DaSandman February 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

I'm celebrating like the 1% does Vday. A taser, a mature billy goat, a pound of animal stimulant, cojoined albino twins and a 12 year old stripper named Poundcake.

Vote Republican

spends2much February 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

Hey. I'M EATING!!

ttommyunger February 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

Alt. Headline: "Newt Gingrich …Very Disgusting." FIXED!

KeepFnThatChicken February 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

"I'm going to eat her."

.

code for "my eye is on someone else, and I'm feeling peckish…"

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Do robots menstruate?

Fare la Volpe February 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Every 3 weeks they spring an oil leak.

actor212 February 14, 2012 at 12:15 pm

So what do they do then, dream of electric sheep?

MosesInvests February 14, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I don't know. What about harpy eagles?

chascates February 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Socialist atheist China leads the world in marriage equality:
Valentine's Day 'wedding' for ram and deer at China zoo
Changmao the ram and Chunzi the doe's "unconventional relationship" have made them popular with the public. The pair were forcibly separated last year but were eventually reunited. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-china-170093

Slippery slope, people!

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Slippery slope? Aieeee, that's racist!!!!

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Has Rick Santorum seen this article?

He'll definitely want to masturbate to this.

Schmegeg February 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm

"reconnect a little bit"

Yuk

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,”

That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

hagajim February 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I have to assume its diamonds and lube?

BigDumbRedDog February 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Thinking of Newtie and Callista is gross. If things continue in this manner I may have to take a break from Wonkette for the rest of the day so that I don't start vomiting and lose my ability to get my freak on tonight. It's very difficult to have wild monkey sex while vomiting. Not impossible, but very difficult.

proudgrampa February 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

' “All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?” A man behind him on the stage smiled knowingly.'

EEEEWWWWWW!!!!!

And yes, you did ruin my V-Day, thank you very much!

Happy Valentine's to all my fellow Wonketteers!

Love,

proudgrampa

"The love you take is equal to the love you make.”

widestanceshakedown February 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Best wishes for Newt and his most recent wife on their little bit reconnect (if Newt was not so damn fat, he might be able to fully engage instead).

I myself will spend the evening with my partner of over a dozen years, whom I cannot marry, but nonetheless did not leave when he had cancer.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Bless you both, and happy Valentines day. I hope you'll be able to threaten the very institution of marriage with utter collapse sooner rather than later.

widestanceshakedown February 14, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Thank you.

First, we'll utterly collapse a bed frame, then we'll take on sacred institutions, while reeking of mansex.

BigDumbRedDog February 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I heard that Newt got Callista a diamond encrusted dildo for her to peg him with. Ouch!

BigDumbRedDog February 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Most of the time my wild imagination entertains me when I'm bored. Sometimes it is a curse. I have an image in my head that I can't get rid if. Callista is dressed like a dominatrix, wearing an enormous diamond encrusted dildo. Newt is hog tied in nothing but a gimp mask and ball gag. So I am sharing with the rest of you. Sorry if I ruin anyone's day.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Now I am very glad that I didn't have any sexytimes planned for tonight because that would have ruined it.

BigDumbRedDog February 14, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I'm really sorry guys. How do you think I feel having to live with this goddamn brain every day? But I still find this image less disturbing than the two of them havin normal sex. Weird.

widestanceshakedown February 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Well, I wish Newt could keep the ball gag in longer (yeah, that's kinda what she said)!

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I know sharing is caring, but damn you didn't have to care that much.

Like SB, I too am very glad I have no sexytime planned for tonight now.

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Those who have no sexy times planned should plan sexy times with each other. Just saying, you two. Get a room!

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Yeah, looks like laundry and drinking only, now.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm

It would take a lot of good mental imagery to counter that – maybe you have some memories at hand that you can thumb through to get your smile back.

MissTaken February 14, 2012 at 1:18 pm

This is why Hallmark needs a line of "Fucking You Is Special Because…" cards so I have some memories to handily thumb through.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Yes, they could have cards along the lines of "Fucking You Is Special Because Of That Cute Smile You Get After You Orgasm"; those would be much more fun than the typical Valentine's Day pablum.

Chichikovovich February 14, 2012 at 12:47 pm

That vision is a bit more tolerable if it's Newtiepoo's first two wives in the dominatrix equipment, with some whips. Also the caged ape from Trading Places, wearing a Margaret Thatcher mask.

mrblifil February 14, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Love Stinks.

HarryButtle February 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Is Mittens fapping in this pic?

LiveToServeYa February 14, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Awww, Newt's such a fine figure of devoted monogamy. I suppose all the fat in his head, or wherever, blocks further attempt at intern-seducing.

Toomush_Infer February 14, 2012 at 1:37 pm

"Reconnect a little…": Hey, Hey, it's Tiffany Day!… just another acknowledgement of the Pay for Play attitude Newt brings to the marriage table….

WiscDad February 14, 2012 at 3:27 pm

but she’s uh — “ “You know?” On the rag????

Tommy1733 February 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I like the way the professional design team was not able to put the shadows on the right graphics layer (see the libtard second from left)

DahBoner February 14, 2012 at 4:51 pm

The Valentine's Day Massive Turd

Negropolis February 15, 2012 at 2:21 am

But she's, uh…a near? A whore? What? Spit it out. On second thought, don't do that.

BaldarTFlagass February 14, 2012 at 11:42 am

Fingers and toes are crossed.

DaSandman February 14, 2012 at 11:50 am

Happy V Day Babs, you bitchin bad ass radical you :)

Barb February 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

The surgery took longer than expected. The first tumor was grapefruit in size and twisted. Every organ in my gut was shifted out of place and I lost a massive amount of blood. They opened me from hip to hip. I came to and I couldn't speak because of the breathing tube. I was trying to spell "J-e-f-f" on the nurses arm and she couldn't understand what I wanted.

I was wheeled into my room and I had cuffs on both legs that would constrict and relax to avoid blood clots and I had a catheter in my bladder. The nurse wrote the "goals" on a dry erase board next to my bed. Goal #3-get up and walk. I thought about Jeff and I dragged my legs to the edge of the bed and I stood up and I walked across the room.

I've got Percocet and I am in pain. NOTHING will ever hurt as much as that first moment. I wanted to die at that very second. I'm crying just thinking about the pain I felt when I awoke and wasn't allowed to see Jeff for 3 hours. I'd get out of that bed and walk on my lips, if I had to.

Thanks for still being my friend even after my junk went bad.

Geminisunmars February 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

Oh, Barb. So many hugs to you. You had a rough one. Give yourself lots of down time if you can. And hugs to Jeff too.

philpjfry February 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Sorry you had to go through all that but I hope you are all fixed and have a speedy recovery. You are needed around here

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Ow, god; that sounds awful. I'm just very glad that you've gotten through the worse and are recovering. And here's a virtual hug. It's good to have you back, and I (and I think all of us) hope the pain ends as soon as possible.

Nothingisamiss February 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Oh, Barb. We're sorry we're only there to support you cyber-ly.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

But, Barb, if you don't use all the Percocet, well, remember an online RCA Dog that lives in DFW. K?

Sorry about that pain.

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Oh my god. Feel better Barb! Glad you're back in action.

Spurning Beer February 14, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Barb, please tell me the surgeons are going to let you take the tumors home to cuddle and grieve over.

Do hospitals in Vegas have slot machines and prime rib buffets?

Get well soon, Lambchop.

MosesInvests February 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Barb-don't know whether you believe in it or not, but you were in my prayers the day of your surgery. Glad you're back to snarking, and may the rest of you be up to speed soon.

DemmeFatale February 14, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Oh, Barb!
I'm so glad this ordeal is over!
I hope you're feeling stronger every day.

(BTW: What is it with the citrus fruits? It's always grapefruits, lemons, oranges etc.?)

Barb February 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Thanks, DaSandman! If I were really a cat, I would head butt you all day to make sure that you had a great Valentine's Day!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Thanks Geminisunmars!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

You are so sweet, thanks Philip.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Thanks Soros!
I got a super cool roommate at 4:00 A.M. She had no health insurance and they were treating her like shit, compared to me. I gave her some of my jammies to wear and I got her a Hershey bar and a can of 7-Up for Valentine's Day. She said that watching me interact with people and listening to my phone calls was the most fun she's ever had. I sent out an email, saying that I am allergic to flowers and some people just didn't listen. I gave the flowers to Sydney and she got to the point where she would just intercept them for me, LOL!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I missed you guys while I was gone.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I've always wondered what it was like to be a drug mule. I could stash the rest of my painkillers in Miss Mookie's old room and come and see you.

SorosBot February 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Well you do sound like a cool roommate.

Barb February 14, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I ordered some of the craziest shit for Sydney from room service. I wouldn't even ask what she wanted. I would just blurt out, "chef salad, Shamrock shake from Mc Donald's, grilled swiss cheese, 2 waffles, strawberry shortcake and pretzel M&M's." I was on a liquid diet only and they brought me anything I wanted, lol!

Barb February 14, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Thanks Ken!

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 12:49 pm

There is not a self-cleaning model? Even my Hotpoint has that option. I was just born too soon.

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Actually, there WAS a self cleaning model, complete with internal bleach spray and a top of the line, automatic stainless-steel wire scouring pad.

Of course, one simple software error and… well, let's just say that model is no longer available and the lawsuit has long since been settled.

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Oh, I remember that one. The Lorena, right?

Steverino247 February 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Hmm. New lyrics to an old Beatles tune:

She's got a Sybian to ride
And she don't care!

KenLayIsAlive February 14, 2012 at 1:12 pm

hahaha. yeah, that's the one!

jus_wonderin February 14, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Come on down. Belly rubs for all. Oh, that might not be a good thing. Uh, treats. Treats for all.

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