yeeeeessshhhh

Newt Gingrich Wishes You A Very Disgusting Valentine’s Day

Wait, wait, we’ll tell you all about Newt Gingrich’s plans to get laid tonight in just a second — that is what you all want to read about, right? — but first: This Newt Gingrich “Valentine’s Day attack site,” Liberals Love Romney. It points out that Romney and various liberal men are gay for each other, which is hardly news. See it? There’s Al Gore, there’s Barack Obama, there’s George Soros, there’s Saul Alinsky. Oh, a lady — she needs to leave. It’s going to be a great Valentine’s night for Mitt Romney, according to this dumb Newt Gingrich website. What’s in store for Gingrich himself? Just go ahead and vomit now, to get it out of the way.

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate. People in the audience hooted audibly.

Almost (but not quite) embarrassed, Gingrich looked around to supporters on stage and joked, “After that question, I need something a little stronger than water.”

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?” A man behind him on the stage smiled knowingly.

The candidate, grinning, held his hands up, “But I’m not going to get into — no more details!”

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It sounds like they’re going to… drink chamomile tea and watch Masterpiece Theatre before calling it an early evening in their separate beds. Gross! Did we just ruin your Valentine’s Day? Suckers.

[Fox News]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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255 comments

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Yes, unfortunately. It's ok though, an old flame is flying down thursday for a 4 day visit, and I'm sure she's not going to spend all that money on airfare for a handshake and a chaste peck on the cheek.

          1. Barb

            Thanks, DaSandman! If I were really a cat, I would head butt you all day to make sure that you had a great Valentine's Day!

        2. GunToting[Redacted]

          I'm unclear as to whether this questions references the laundry, or, uh, other things mentioned in BTF's plans.

    1. natoslug

      The wife's been too busy hosting a little colony of MRSA in her leg for the past two weeks, so the only "special lube" around here is going to be the nasty bit of drainage in the bandaging that I get to change.

    1. bagofmice

      Unlike Gingrich, batteries are somewhat dependable. If you go full hitachi, your only limits are cord length.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    “What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate.

    "I'm getting her a Tiffany's diamond the size of my dick!!!" responded Newt.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Well, that won't take much out of his $500K credit line. Now, if you'd said the size of his ego and douchebaggery, he would have needed to take out a 2nd line of credit.

  2. Barb

    "Every year, girls are like, 'This is the year I get diamonds!' And guys are like, 'This is the year I get a blowjob!' Everybody's disappointed."

    1. Chichikovovich

      While a man like Newt, in tune with a woman's needs, understands that you need to give to receive. Let no one say he doesn't leave Callista satisfied, in her fashion. No Continental kiss on the hand for her.

    2. Steverino247

      I once had a female co-worker who hated her wedding anniversary. When I asked her why (because most women really look forward to it), she replied, "Because that's the only day he gets a blowjob, that's why!"

      Which is why I don't ask questions anymore…

  3. MissTaken

    “All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?”

    AAAaaannnnddd…..now I'm celibate. Thanks.

    1. SorosBot

      I think I threw up in my mouth a little after reading that. And also the part about Newt's plans with the alien Botox queen.

      1. edgydrifter

        I figure she'll be ramming her ovipositor down his throat as is her custom on special occassions. One of these days Newt is going to explode during a stump speech and shower the audience with hundreds of Callista larvae. Stay tuned!

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          that is such a major fucking WIN! that I can't think of words to express my admiration…well played sir, well played

      1. SorosBot

        She's a prototype animatronic Real Doll; obviously they still have a few design flaws to work out until they can make one that looks like a human being.

          1. KenLayIsAlive

            Actually, there WAS a self cleaning model, complete with internal bleach spray and a top of the line, automatic stainless-steel wire scouring pad.

            Of course, one simple software error and… well, let's just say that model is no longer available and the lawsuit has long since been settled.

          2. KenLayIsAlive

            They tried really hard to come up with a catchy "Be kind, Rewind!" type slogan, but nothing worked.

            "Be a Bro, wipe you wasted man-seed out of the robot's throat!" was just not the same.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          "The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping."
          "What do you mean, I'm not helping? "
          "I mean: you're not helping! Why is that, Callista?"

    1. GOPCrusher

      I guess I missed the memo about liberals being big fans of people that make millions by putting people out of work.

    1. chicken_thief

      You know – the Historian guy. The one that fundamentally and profoundly transformed Freddie Mac with knowledge of history.

          1. KenLayIsAlive

            Or at least invent the excuse that it was the Poorz and the Community Reinvestment Act that caused the Financial Crisis, not scummy lenders and lack of government oversight.

    2. V572 Flambé

      You could hope that Newt would disappear after this humiliating, ignominious defeat, every iota of which is a direct result of his hubris and lack of self-awareness. But the example of Panamanian strongman Juan McCain proves that it won't be so, goddammit.

  4. Joshua Norton

    I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night

    Well, someone will be happy. As Newtie well knows, Every kiss begins with "Kay", but BJ's begin at Tiffany's.

      1. jus_wonderin

        "Ladies. Look at your man. Now. Look back at me. Now. Look at your man. Look back at me…………………………."

  5. Not_So_Much

    “What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?”

    Well, I'm going to assume she has shingles and divorce her old ass. But I have a 27 year-old intern that can suck a golf ball through a hose. So she and I are taking a tub of lard and some edible XXXXXL undies and heading to Tiffanys, bitches!

    1. Barb

      That is very sweet, thanks for sharing.
      I get tired of people who bitch about Valentine's Day. Don't celebrate it if you don't want to. I can't wait to have dinner with my Valentine tonight. Happy Valentine's Day to you and your lucky wife.

          1. Barb

            The surgery took longer than expected. The first tumor was grapefruit in size and twisted. Every organ in my gut was shifted out of place and I lost a massive amount of blood. They opened me from hip to hip. I came to and I couldn't speak because of the breathing tube. I was trying to spell "J-e-f-f" on the nurses arm and she couldn't understand what I wanted.

            I was wheeled into my room and I had cuffs on both legs that would constrict and relax to avoid blood clots and I had a catheter in my bladder. The nurse wrote the "goals" on a dry erase board next to my bed. Goal #3-get up and walk. I thought about Jeff and I dragged my legs to the edge of the bed and I stood up and I walked across the room.

            I've got Percocet and I am in pain. NOTHING will ever hurt as much as that first moment. I wanted to die at that very second. I'm crying just thinking about the pain I felt when I awoke and wasn't allowed to see Jeff for 3 hours. I'd get out of that bed and walk on my lips, if I had to.

            Thanks for still being my friend even after my junk went bad.

          2. Geminisunmars

            Oh, Barb. So many hugs to you. You had a rough one. Give yourself lots of down time if you can. And hugs to Jeff too.

          3. philpjfry

            Sorry you had to go through all that but I hope you are all fixed and have a speedy recovery. You are needed around here

          4. SorosBot

            Ow, god; that sounds awful. I'm just very glad that you've gotten through the worse and are recovering. And here's a virtual hug. It's good to have you back, and I (and I think all of us) hope the pain ends as soon as possible.

          5. Barb

            Thanks Soros!
            I got a super cool roommate at 4:00 A.M. She had no health insurance and they were treating her like shit, compared to me. I gave her some of my jammies to wear and I got her a Hershey bar and a can of 7-Up for Valentine's Day. She said that watching me interact with people and listening to my phone calls was the most fun she's ever had. I sent out an email, saying that I am allergic to flowers and some people just didn't listen. I gave the flowers to Sydney and she got to the point where she would just intercept them for me, LOL!

          6. Barb

            I ordered some of the craziest shit for Sydney from room service. I wouldn't even ask what she wanted. I would just blurt out, "chef salad, Shamrock shake from Mc Donald's, grilled swiss cheese, 2 waffles, strawberry shortcake and pretzel M&M's." I was on a liquid diet only and they brought me anything I wanted, lol!

          7. jus_wonderin

            But, Barb, if you don't use all the Percocet, well, remember an online RCA Dog that lives in DFW. K?

            Sorry about that pain.

          8. Barb

            I've always wondered what it was like to be a drug mule. I could stash the rest of my painkillers in Miss Mookie's old room and come and see you.

          9. jus_wonderin

            Come on down. Belly rubs for all. Oh, that might not be a good thing. Uh, treats. Treats for all.

          10. Spurning Beer

            Barb, please tell me the surgeons are going to let you take the tumors home to cuddle and grieve over.

            Do hospitals in Vegas have slot machines and prime rib buffets?

            Get well soon, Lambchop.

          11. MosesInvests

            Barb-don't know whether you believe in it or not, but you were in my prayers the day of your surgery. Glad you're back to snarking, and may the rest of you be up to speed soon.

          12. DemmeFatale

            Oh, Barb!
            I'm so glad this ordeal is over!
            I hope you're feeling stronger every day.

            (BTW: What is it with the citrus fruits? It's always grapefruits, lemons, oranges etc.?)

      1. BigDumbRedDog

        Now that it's almost legal in WA maybe I will look into getting one of those wives. Although I may need some new moves. Staring awkwardly and mumbling incoherently at the ladies is miminally effective. Also, glad to have you back Barb. I think of you as my guru of snark and I study at your feet.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Caveman loves his wife too, but just wishes she'd love him back a little more often, if you know what I mean.

      1. Barb

        Awww, bless your heart. Mrs Caveman, please toss him a little somethin' somethin' tonight and make his toes curl like bacon!

        1. proudgrampa

          Sorry that I'm a little late to the lovefest, but Happy Valentine's Day, Barb! I know what Mrs proudgrampa went through in her surgeries. At the end of the day, it's all about a positive attitude, and you show that in everything you write.

          Take care, sweetie!

          Love,

          proudgrampa

        2. Lascauxcaveman

          make his toes curl like bacon!

          LOL, it's like you were a fly on the ceiling. Not anytime recently, however.

  6. Lascauxcaveman

    Also, it looks like Al Gore has lost quite a bit of weight. Finally getting around to reducing your personal cow-eating carbon footprint, eh Al?

    1. bagofmice

      Actually you should be more interested in the methane footprint. Granted, methane is made of mostly hydrogen, but is significant when it comes to global warming.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, cow farts are very greenhouse-y. As are all the millions of gallons of fossil fuels we dump into growing the millions of tons of corn we dump into the feedlots to get those cows nice and fat for butchering. It's getting harder and harder to justify that huge, fatty, richly marinaded 7-bone roast I toss on the grill for my family's weekly beef orgy, much as we love it.

        At least I've weened myself off my regular hamburger habit, though Jack In The Box is a constant temptation, just up the street with their huge, never ending, highly advertised combo deals.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?”

    Frigid?

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      ***Mittbott 2000i Run-time Cobol code****

      10) Lead From Behind
      20) Lick Santorum
      30) ?????1001011???
      40) Profit!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Though early on in their relationship, Newt gave Callista a copy of Velvet Jones' I Wanna be a Ho, which she really took to heart.

  8. Lucidamente1

    “All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “I'm going to tell her that if I don't become president I'm planning on killing myself.”

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      "Mitt…remember when I gave unto my delegates so you could beat Obama and you called me a good sport?"

      "Yes, Newt"

      "Well, you lost you dumb fuck. Now I'm going to kill myself"

      "Saaaaay, Newt…you ARE a good sport!"

  9. John Birf Society

    Newt Gingrich, better than saltpeter.
    Disclaimer: Although Potassium nitrate does not function as an anaphrodisiac, any exposure to Newt Gingrich will quell your libido. For best results avoid prolonged exposure to Newt.

    1. jus_wonderin

      "If Newt remains around you for more than four hours, seek professional advice. Don't operate Calista if you are under the influence of Newt. In rare cases, death has been reported………………………….."

    2. Chichikovovich

      See a physician if you experience an erection lasting more than four seconds while in the presence of Newt and Callista.

    3. Steverino247

      In case of four year election of Newt Gingrich to President, see your Canadian consulate for immigration information.

  10. SolitaireRose

    Wow, with Newt's kind of sweet talking on display, it's clear that it's his personality and not his power and money that draws all of the ladies.

  11. DaRooster

    “What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?”

    "Well ya know she has contracted a deadly disease so I am going to talk to her about an open marriage… By the way Ms. Latino Lady, What are you doing for Valentine's Day?"

    1. Oblios_Cap

      "Who in the Hell are you talking about?" was the response I expected.

      How do I stop this page from from rolling to the top of the article everytime I click the mouse?

  12. Chet Kincaid

    Newt paused, then crooned, "Some enchanted evening…you may see a stranger…" as conservative lady-squeals and plus-size ladies bloomers showered him. "I told you guys I was gonna do it!"

  13. DaRooster

    "It sounds like they’re going to… drink chamomile tea…"

    Well that should help Calista settle her tummy after the sexy time… (*burp*)

  14. Oblios_Cap

    If, during dinner tonight, Newtie plays her a recording of Obama channeling Al Green, he'll get lucky for sure!

  15. OC_Surf_Serf

    …reconnect a little bit

    Yeah, Callista (President , Gingrich Productions) may get drunk enough to actually touch your little penis.

  16. DemonicRage

    This little Valentine piffle is so off-base. Mitt's secret message (sent dog whistle style) is: I have raised 5 tall sons with good posture. Escaping the national average, not one of them has gone over to the ghays. If I am President, I will slap down all the National attempts to let ghays marry. So portraying Mitt as the object of ghay affection is completely missing the central message he is trying to sell.

  17. chascates

    The idea of the Pillsbury Dough Boy attempting to pleasure the Ice Queen isn't something I can think about. More likely she'll drop an extra Xanax and give him a blow job while he recites his planned inaugural address while listening to 'Eye of the Tiger'.

  18. elburritodeluxe

    "…and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “You know?”

    We're hosting a swingers party?
    We're taping a threeway and uploading it to youporn?
    Help us here!

      1. Chichikovovich

        It was Godfather II.

        Remember "This is the business we have chosen.", "Saul Alinsky always makes money for his partners." etc.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      He was Hitler's top National Socialist — the one who put "Socialist" in the name! After the War, Roosevelt snuck him over here via Operation Moneyclip to work on the top-secret Class War Program.

  19. chicken_thief

    If you click on the link you can see Romney's watch in the pic. I'm pretty sure he's wearing a Timex just like mine!

  20. elburritodeluxe

    Romney has to get a little more consistent on the amount of white he leaves on the temples when he dyes his hair – it varies from photo to photo.

  21. Generation[redacted]

    “What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?”

    "Which one?"

  22. Chet Kincaid

    On this Special Day, just imagine whatever Barry is whispering into Michelle's ear in every single photo of the two of them. Then if you're at work, beg off to go home and change your underwear.

    1. MissTaken

      Seriously. The way Barack and Michelle look at each other you know they have a very active and enthusiastic sex life.

  23. smashedinhat

    I would rather drag my face through a bag of hammers than think of Newt in any kind of sexy time situation, and yet people applaud this scenario? The stomach is churning…

    1. chicken_thief

      In the subset of the population that are "Newt followers", he is one of the better looking. And he can still walk unassisted!

  24. JustPixelz

    "…reconnect…"

    I hope they're using protection. OH WAIT. He's against contraception. Um … shouldn't he have more kids? Unless he's not "connecting" as much as he wants us to think.

  25. Millennial Malaise

    If Newt spends as much effort tonight as he did on this bootleg jib jab holiday card (ie: none whatsoever), she will be very happy indeed.

    Save u the effort and just leave the diamond on the nightstand.

  26. Eve8Apples

    “All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued.

    Herman Cain is dropping by with his large pepperoni for a 3 way. She'll be screaming "sixty nine fuckin' nine nine" all night long.

  27. DaSandman

    I'm celebrating like the 1% does Vday. A taser, a mature billy goat, a pound of animal stimulant, cojoined albino twins and a 12 year old stripper named Poundcake.

    Vote Republican

  28. chascates

    Socialist atheist China leads the world in marriage equality:
    Valentine's Day 'wedding' for ram and deer at China zoo
    Changmao the ram and Chunzi the doe's "unconventional relationship" have made them popular with the public. The pair were forcibly separated last year but were eventually reunited. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-china-170093

    Slippery slope, people!

  29. SorosBot

    “All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,”

    That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

  30. BigDumbRedDog

    Thinking of Newtie and Callista is gross. If things continue in this manner I may have to take a break from Wonkette for the rest of the day so that I don't start vomiting and lose my ability to get my freak on tonight. It's very difficult to have wild monkey sex while vomiting. Not impossible, but very difficult.

  31. proudgrampa

    ' “All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?” A man behind him on the stage smiled knowingly.'

    EEEEWWWWWW!!!!!

    And yes, you did ruin my V-Day, thank you very much!

    Happy Valentine's to all my fellow Wonketteers!

    Love,

    proudgrampa

    "The love you take is equal to the love you make.”

  32. widestanceshakedown

    Best wishes for Newt and his most recent wife on their little bit reconnect (if Newt was not so damn fat, he might be able to fully engage instead).

    I myself will spend the evening with my partner of over a dozen years, whom I cannot marry, but nonetheless did not leave when he had cancer.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Bless you both, and happy Valentines day. I hope you'll be able to threaten the very institution of marriage with utter collapse sooner rather than later.

      1. widestanceshakedown

        Thank you.

        First, we'll utterly collapse a bed frame, then we'll take on sacred institutions, while reeking of mansex.

  33. BigDumbRedDog

    Most of the time my wild imagination entertains me when I'm bored. Sometimes it is a curse. I have an image in my head that I can't get rid if. Callista is dressed like a dominatrix, wearing an enormous diamond encrusted dildo. Newt is hog tied in nothing but a gimp mask and ball gag. So I am sharing with the rest of you. Sorry if I ruin anyone's day.

    1. SorosBot

      Now I am very glad that I didn't have any sexytimes planned for tonight because that would have ruined it.

      1. BigDumbRedDog

        I'm really sorry guys. How do you think I feel having to live with this goddamn brain every day? But I still find this image less disturbing than the two of them havin normal sex. Weird.

    2. MissTaken

      I know sharing is caring, but damn you didn't have to care that much.

      Like SB, I too am very glad I have no sexytime planned for tonight now.

      1. SorosBot

        It would take a lot of good mental imagery to counter that – maybe you have some memories at hand that you can thumb through to get your smile back.

        1. MissTaken

          This is why Hallmark needs a line of "Fucking You Is Special Because…" cards so I have some memories to handily thumb through.

          1. SorosBot

            Yes, they could have cards along the lines of "Fucking You Is Special Because Of That Cute Smile You Get After You Orgasm"; those would be much more fun than the typical Valentine's Day pablum.

    3. Chichikovovich

      That vision is a bit more tolerable if it's Newtiepoo's first two wives in the dominatrix equipment, with some whips. Also the caged ape from Trading Places, wearing a Margaret Thatcher mask.

  34. LiveToServeYa

    Awww, Newt's such a fine figure of devoted monogamy. I suppose all the fat in his head, or wherever, blocks further attempt at intern-seducing.

  35. Toomush_Infer

    "Reconnect a little…": Hey, Hey, it's Tiffany Day!… just another acknowledgement of the Pay for Play attitude Newt brings to the marriage table….

  36. Tommy1733

    I like the way the professional design team was not able to put the shadows on the right graphics layer (see the libtard second from left)

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