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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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204 comments

      1. Rotundo_

        Maytag made gasoline powered models for years, Chucklenuts might have had his tighty whities done with a more robust version of a lawnmower engine.

        1. glamourdammerung

          I only have a cellphone because I travel a bit and did not bother getting a land line. But with a usage of maybe an hour a month at most, I am just not the demographic they are looking for.

          1. MittBorg

            Mine came with free minutes. I think I now have like several DAYS worth of freebies on it because I almost never use it. I do keep the landline because cellphone reception at Eagleshit Towers is worse than useless.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        Ironically, "smartphones" seem to make some people even more stupid.

        I have a cellphone mostly for work & in case of any potential emergency situations. Otherwise I wouldn't have it at all. I've never spent more than $30 for a cell & haven't upgraded since 2006.

        Verizon Wireless hates my guts.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      I'll bet that when he goes to buy a new car he still asks for R&H* as options, although he hasn't sprung for a clutchless car yet.

      That's radio and heater for you younguns.

      1. deelzebub

        One doesn't spring for a clutchless car; one makes a choice. Do you want a sport performance car or a cruiser? I'm of the opinion that any off-road style suv or sports/muscle car should only be sold with a clutch.

        1. DaRooster

          Are you crazy? Most people that drive SUVs are moronic enough… add to their driving style a clutch? The roads could get even worse than they already are… Lord help us.

          (I do agree though… maybe it would keep some of the soccer moms out of vehicles that most of them can't handle)

          1. MittBorg

            Barb is the devil's tail injecting snark into the fatty upper arm of stupid, said some charming commenter the other day. Looks like her surgery has NOT robbed her of Teh Funnay.

  1. PhilippePetain

    Let's hope someone will hack it and see what other connections there are between C-Grass and "Joshua Q. Cummins".

  2. SexySmurf

    Let's play a game. Can you guess which tweets were written by Grassley and which ones were written by America's Sweetheart, Courtney Stodden?

    1. A

    2. Who's ready for Friday Floor Flash?! Show me yours: will RT my fave! MUAH!

    3. Had a minute to stop for coffee and a roll in Osceola and wound up with the largest sweet roll I've ever seen at the Family Table enuf43pl.

    4. Flaunting a flirty fantasy this Monday night as I coaxingly kiss the mister that I fancy most. XOs,muah!

    5. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4

        1. Spurning Beer

          When repeating a joke about rape
          Where the perp's a magnificent ape,
          Just make sure that the press
          On the Straight Talk Express
          Don't record your performance on tape.

  3. Crank_Tango

    This is how it reads in the technology he grew up with: .. — .– .- / .. … / –. .- -.– .-.-.- / -.-. — .-. -. / .. … / –. .- -.– .-.-.-

        1. Crank_Tango

          Yeah but he did read going rouge three times in the bathroom until he stopped going rouge.

          oh, cunEIform. never mind.

  4. salt_bagel

    "Siri, show me a map of corn lobbyists close to here."

    #i'm sorry. were you searching for porn boy lists?#

  5. flamingpdog

    Chuck, if you have trouble hitting all the right letters on the keypad 'cause your fingers are too pudgy, you should try using the pointy stick you have up your ass instead.

  6. Beetagger

    He only bought it after he made sure that lots of underage children toiled long hours in sub-human conditions to make it.

  7. Goonemeritus

    I for one refuse to send more manufacturing jobs to China like traitorous Senator Grassley. I will be sticking with my early 90's Motorola. Sure it's the size of a Soviet era refrigerator and has the battery longevity of a Rush Limaugh erection but that's the way I role.

  8. Rotundo_

    It's the raw redneck excitement of getting something technological to prove you're not clueless. Half the meth cookers in Iowa have one too for sales and service chuckles…

  9. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    In related news, Apple stock plunged as hipsters everywhere threw away their iPhones in disgust. "If that old bastard starts listening to bands I like, I may just have to kill myself," said one Portland resident.

  10. pinkocommi

    Have our standards as a nation sunk so low that we do not expect our congressional representatives to have morals, a backbone or the ability to spell?

        1. Chichikovovich

          THx – but I keep getting screwed up by the html: > is supposed to be a greater than sign. and &#60 was my attempt to get the greater than sign a different way. Merely typing the greater than sign, of course, won't work with html.

          D'you know how to get special html symbols for posts?

          1. Guppy

            <Just> <type> <them> <in>. So long as they're not enclosing a (permitted) recognized tag, they work fine.

          2. Chichikovovich

            Huh. This time it works. I have no idea why all my greater than signs got turned into html code which then didn't work….
            Ah, got it. They were originally OK, but then got switched to html code when I tried to edit. Mystery solved.
            OK, here's what that last line was supposed to look like:

            Sffr slngs & ->'s of >;:-o frtn > arms gnst C trbles?

  11. bumfug

    Once he found out they were made by poorly paid, physically exploited workers you couldn't keep him away.

  12. CommieLibunatic

    In other surprising developments, I have a mullet and am currently pantsless. ALERT THE FUCKING MEDIA!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. emmelemm

    He can afford an iPhone, because his socialized medicine is all covered by that sweet, sweet Congress health plan.

  14. iburl

    Doesn't this stupid old man have any grandkids that can teach him how to stop fucking everything up and let them handle anything having to do with computers?

  15. user-of-owls

    Wonkette Manual of Style, 5 ed.:

    References to Chuck Grassley should always include his proper modifier: elected ruminant.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Did you know that the nilgai is a type of (typically non-elected) ruminant?

      I think I can use that in my next rap about the founding fathers. I can say "nilgai", right?

        1. user-of-owls

          No, no. It's the President who's a nilgai, so say whatever your basest vile reptilian brain wants to say!

        1. Chichikovovich

          No, never. But I've seen pictures, and they look nothing like any of the Palins. Except for that one Halloween that Bristol went as a smurf.

  16. Abernathy

    This must be what happens when one translates airport bathroom stall foot tapping code into Twitter characters.

  17. Fukui_sanYesOta

    I see that elected ruminant (*) Grassley didn't learn a damn thing after his account got hacked and he was mocked because the hacker's comments were not written in the style of "stupid old white man attempts to speak like the kids"

    * thank you owls, and good to see you back

    1. user-of-owls

      Well someone's got to keep these dizzy children in line. In our day, if we forgot a meme we'd have to write it 100 times. In EBCDIC. On punch cards.

  18. DustBowlBlues

    Well, hell. I've been on my deathbed and away from the wonket for more than a week and I miss my chance to welcome Jim Back. So, hey! Welcome back to both you and me.

    I have no time yet again since I'm catching up on shit I left undone while I was dying (but, obviously, lived.) I guess this means I missed the discussion of the OK state senator Connie Johnson;s (D–Urban District.) (Yes, we have a few Democrats who get elected to the lege, thank you very much) pro-life rider on the zygotes are people, too, bill.

    Hell, squared. At any rate, Jim, don't let my near brush with death (I had a terrible cold, okay?) ruin your "Yes. Home again" buzz.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Sorry to hear you were sick; glad to hear you're recovering. Pretty much all you missed was CPAC, so the cold may not have been a bad trade.

      We unanimously want to have Senator Johnson's children.

  19. GregComlish

    I herd iphone uses large amnt of Nrg. Does Grassley need a strong source of Nrg to plug into his phone???

    1. user-of-owls

      Excuse me, Mr. Dewey is it? Yes, well we're from the International Criminal Court's Crimes Against Humanity division and we were wondering if we might have a word with you regarding this post. What's that? No, no, you won't need your keys, we'll take you in our car. Just step into the back seat if you would, now. That's a good fellow.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    SenGrassley cngrts on bn 8ble 2tell whol fcknworld u h v nthing2say.

    SenGrassley My cts h v a tlscpe bt thtdznt mk thm astrnmrs. 2 bad tho thr nite vzn wlda md tht a gr8t c4reer 0ptn.

    SenGrassley thr R 20mil stories n d Nkd Cty. Yrs isnt 1.

  21. Limeylizzie

    I have to say that was one of my favourite threads , it seemed to bring out the silliest comments in the Wonkettes and also Owls was here.

  22. PlanetWingNut

    "I thought Grindr was about teeth problems, scruff well who doesn't love furry creatures, and manhunt…well i can't explain that but im not now or have ever been gay"

  23. bravo_sierra

    You know what an iPhone makes really, really easy? Typing in complete sentences. It also learns your text patterns and favorite words, which means some poor iPhone is about to get really stupid.

  24. CheeseNPear

    I'm not even going to read through all the comments, because I'm sure someone has already suggested it, but could a decent lex hacker please create a ChuckGrassley filter? I think that if you just start with the B1FF Filter and convert to lower case, you're half-way there.

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