About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • Selfish_T

    Let the autocorrect nightmares begin!

    • DoktorThompson

      No, I meant President Obama is a near.

    • HateMachine

      Don't worry, he had an intern disable autocorrect.

  • Barb

    Wow, what's next? A fridge with an ice maker, fingers crossed!

    • memzilla

      A new ribbon for his Underwood!

      • flamingpdog

        He's a typical Rethuglican warmongerer – moar likely he haz an ICBM Selectric.

      • Loaded_Pants

        He'll copy his tweets by using carbon paper.

    • BearNoLike

      No more mattresses on the floor in THAT house.

    • Fare la Volpe

      An ELECTRIC washer machine! Shucks and by golly, we're in the 20th century now!

      • Rotundo_

        Maytag made gasoline powered models for years, Chucklenuts might have had his tighty whities done with a more robust version of a lawnmower engine.

    • Loaded_Pants

      One of them under counter boxes that washes the dishes?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Watch that, buddy. In this house, the dishwasher has two legs.

        • BearNoLike

          Haha good call by you. Upfist, sir.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I shoulda said "two arms," huh? It's not like anyone ever washes dishes with their legs.

          • Loaded_Pants

            If they can wash dishes with their legs, they clearly are a keeper.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Is that on the checklist, like being able to tie knots in cherry stems with your tongue?

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      Some of us do not have smartphones.

      Not a hipster, just a curmudgeon that does not see a point in spending the dough for something I would never use.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Some of us don't even have a cellphone.

        • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

          I only have a cellphone because I travel a bit and did not bother getting a land line. But with a usage of maybe an hour a month at most, I am just not the demographic they are looking for.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Mine came with free minutes. I think I now have like several DAYS worth of freebies on it because I almost never use it. I do keep the landline because cellphone reception at Eagleshit Towers is worse than useless.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Ironically, "smartphones" seem to make some people even more stupid.

        I have a cellphone mostly for work & in case of any potential emergency situations. Otherwise I wouldn't have it at all. I've never spent more than $30 for a cell & haven't upgraded since 2006.

        Verizon Wireless hates my guts.

        • DaRooster

          It does seem in most cases the smart phones have the IQ in the family.

    • Abernathy

      It is quite an age we live in.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I'll bet that when he goes to buy a new car he still asks for R&H* as options, although he hasn't sprung for a clutchless car yet.

      That's radio and heater for you younguns.

      • deelzebub

        One doesn't spring for a clutchless car; one makes a choice. Do you want a sport performance car or a cruiser? I'm of the opinion that any off-road style suv or sports/muscle car should only be sold with a clutch.

        • DaRooster

          Are you crazy? Most people that drive SUVs are moronic enough… add to their driving style a clutch? The roads could get even worse than they already are… Lord help us.

          (I do agree though… maybe it would keep some of the soccer moms out of vehicles that most of them can't handle)

    • SorosBot

      Well I don't have one of those, either.

    • deelzebub

      I just want to give him an indulgent slightly patronizing pat on the head.

    • DahBoner

      Color TV.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Sigh…I ne d a n p

    • DaRooster

      Therz a nap 4 th a t .

  • edgydrifter

    cuntgralshuns sen blather!!

  • BearNoLike

    NEEDZ NEW SQUIRLZ

  • Crank_Tango

    It was a typo, he meant he has an HIV phone.

    • Barb

      He's the receiver.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        And you claim you're not capable of teh funny on teh drugs. Hah.

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          It's the Lenny Bruce/John Belushi syndrome.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Barb is the devil's tail injecting snark into the fatty upper arm of stupid, said some charming commenter the other day. Looks like her surgery has NOT robbed her of Teh Funnay.

    • DoktorThompson

      I always suspected iPhones were Magic.

    • lulzmonger

      CLOUD'S CLOSED.

  • JackDempsey1

    Kll me nw, Chck. Stp misry.

  • memzilla

    H v iphone, still wngtrd.

  • V572 Flambé

    Just be glad he never figured out instant messaging.

  • Major Thom

    Hey ch ck, s ck my bal z

    • Limeylizzie

      That made me laugh so much that I farted, hnstly.

      • Major Thom

        Im vry sry lzzie

  • edgydrifter

    2nd day w/ iphone got soocide note frm siri. now scrn blank. what gives?
    @ChuckGrassley

  • chascates

    Do U hav Prnc Albrt N a can?

    • flamingpdog

      He has Prnc Albrt N his can.

  • PhilippePetain

    Let's hope someone will hack it and see what other connections there are between C-Grass and "Joshua Q. Cummins".

  • BlueStateLibel

    Mom, grandpa's making an idiot of himself on Twitter again!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    HOLY FUCKING SHIT CHUCK GRASSLEY HAS HIV/AIDS!! #fullblown

    • Blueb4sunrise

      I heard that too!!!

      • Geminisunmars

        This is confirmation we've needed!

        • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

          Retweeting!

          • Crank_Tango

            I heard he wants to get beat (off?) by Chris Brown.

          • Radiotherapy

            He's gone anti-viral.

          • Crank_Tango

            he's so old skool, he's anti-retro-viral.

          • Negropolis

            ROTFLMAO!

          • 40 or 50 % McShineys

            Google proves it, legislatively speaking!
            http://www.linkedin.com/pub/adam-freed/9/226/343

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Didju tweet that? Cos if u did I hz 2 folo u

  • SexySmurf

    Let's play a game. Can you guess which tweets were written by Grassley and which ones were written by America's Sweetheart, Courtney Stodden?

    1. A

    2. Who's ready for Friday Floor Flash?! Show me yours: will RT my fave! MUAH!

    3. Had a minute to stop for coffee and a roll in Osceola and wound up with the largest sweet roll I've ever seen at the Family Table enuf43pl.

    4. Flaunting a flirty fantasy this Monday night as I coaxingly kiss the mister that I fancy most. XOs,muah!

    5. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4

    • flamingpdog

      T

    • PhilippePetain

      Oh this is the first I've heard of this chick. Weird, weird world we live in, man.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        yeah…17 going on 45.

    • Crank_Tango

      I call bullshit. Those are all from CHK ASSLY

      • SexySmurf

        The first four are. But the last one is actually Courtney Stodden.

  • BarackMyWorld

    #hesucksalot2

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Those poor poor Angry Birds…

  • Tundra Grifter

    I'd rather read that a chimpanzee bought a loaded gun.

    Less dangerous.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      And maybe funnier.

      • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        Far more photogenic, too.

    • Angry_Marmot
      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        OMG. Who IS that marvelous ape?

        Senator John "BuggerMeBlind" McCain

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          When repeating a joke about rape
          Where the perp's a magnificent ape,
          Just make sure that the press
          On the Straight Talk Express
          Don't record your performance on tape.

    • Negropolis

      That'd be absolutely bananas.

  • Crank_Tango

    This is how it reads in the technology he grew up with: .. — .– .- / .. … / –. .- -.– .-.-.- / -.-. — .-. -. / .. … / –. .- -.– .-.-.-

    • flamingpdog

      I've never seen hieroglyphics that looked quite like those.

      • Fare la Volpe

        You've never read cuneiform.

        • Crank_Tango

          Yeah but he did read going rouge three times in the bathroom until he stopped going rouge.

          oh, cunEIform. never mind.

    • C_R_Eature

      I'd show you the Signal Flag version, but this is clearly the wrong technological platform.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    shvit

  • soeoho

    Do I understand he now has a hyphen?

  • rocktonsam

    r et ar d

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Welcome back, J m!

  • salt_bagel

    "Siri, show me a map of corn lobbyists close to here."

    #i'm sorry. were you searching for porn boy lists?#

    • deelzebub

      Chuck answers that question with a "HLL YS I LUV RNTBYS"

  • Beowoof

    Ah Tech can also be used for EVIL.

  • chascates

    And Twitter haz a sad.

  • upthruster

    Oooo! He's got an I Phone. How long before he gets a clue?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Those cost a LOT more.

  • AlterNewt

    OMG Sentr. dont u hv wrk 2 do? lol

  • YouBetcha

    Installing Grindr app in 3….2…..1…..

    • Loaded_Pants

      gmta….but I'm not deleting my comment.

  • flamingpdog

    Chuck, if you have trouble hitting all the right letters on the keypad 'cause your fingers are too pudgy, you should try using the pointy stick you have up your ass instead.

  • JackObin

    I dnt gv a sht.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I just just thought of that.

  • MissTaken

    If i on y h d abrain

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hey there, pretty lady! How you doin?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So much for Apple being cool.

    • BearNoLike

      New Motto: Think Like A Dickwad

    • Angry_Marmot

      Looks like they'll be adding more nets around the Foxconn plant in Shenzhen.

  • Not_So_Much

    I saw this as 'I now have HIV, phone'. Must be my lysdexia acting up.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      So it IS true that Grassley has HIV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I heard it on Twitter, it MUST be Twoo!

        • Negropolis

          It'd be irresponsible not to speculate!

  • CHUDster_Arthur

    I now h v an iPhone. Ho Ho Ho.

  • Angry_Marmot

    Need mah bucket.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Oh noes!

    • flamingpdog

      Chuck can have my bucket if he promises to kick it.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Pray for the poor customer support people!

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Momma whenz dinR

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Took him 3 years to figure out how to spell it in order to place an order for one.

  • neiltheblaze

    Now I've got to have one!

  • Beetagger

    He only bought it after he made sure that lots of underage children toiled long hours in sub-human conditions to make it.

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      I hope he did not call 911 about the erection lasting for more than four hours. They frown on that.

  • Come here a minute

    Tel brkr 2 sell RIM stk b/c old guy chnging phone

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    h v s k of r t d ks, g assley

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You forgot to add "l ghtly p s n d nd s lt d."

  • Radiotherapy

    Jitterbug makes an iPhone…who knew?

  • Goonemeritus

    I for one refuse to send more manufacturing jobs to China like traitorous Senator Grassley. I will be sticking with my early 90's Motorola. Sure it's the size of a Soviet era refrigerator and has the battery longevity of a Rush Limaugh erection but that's the way I role.

  • Rotundo_

    It's the raw redneck excitement of getting something technological to prove you're not clueless. Half the meth cookers in Iowa have one too for sales and service chuckles…

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    In related news, Apple stock plunged as hipsters everywhere threw away their iPhones in disgust. "If that old bastard starts listening to bands I like, I may just have to kill myself," said one Portland resident.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    h v means high voltage in my world. If I'm right, this should be interesting.

    • C_R_Eature

      amps would be good also.

      • flamingpdog

        Amps for Gramps. That's a charity I could give to.

  • pinkocommi

    Have our standards as a nation sunk so low that we do not expect our congressional representatives to have morals, a backbone or the ability to spell?

    • Loaded_Pants

      Yes, yes, and….umm, yes.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    mst rstrn slf

  • Guppy

    How many Grassleys on iPhones would it take to produce Hamlet?

    • Angry_Marmot

      You can't afford it.

    • Chichikovovich

      2B r ~ 2B.

      th ? !!

      Sffr slngs -&gt;'s of &gt;:-o frtn.< arms gnst C trbles?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Consider putting ALL of Sh k s p r on Twitter, Chich.

        • Chichikovovich

          THx – but I keep getting screwed up by the html: &gt; is supposed to be a greater than sign. and &#60 was my attempt to get the greater than sign a different way. Merely typing the greater than sign, of course, won't work with html.

          D'you know how to get special html symbols for posts?

          • Guppy

            <Just> <type> <them> <in>. So long as they're not enclosing a (permitted) recognized tag, they work fine.

          • Chichikovovich

            Huh. This time it works. I have no idea why all my greater than signs got turned into html code which then didn't work….
            Ah, got it. They were originally OK, but then got switched to html code when I tried to edit. Mystery solved.
            OK, here's what that last line was supposed to look like:

            Sffr slngs & ->'s of >;:-o frtn > arms gnst C trbles?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I use this site: http://ascii.cl/htmlcodes.htm

            Among others. Guppy sez just type them in, but that doesn't work unless you close the angle bracket, which is not what you're trying to do. >

    • Negropolis

      All of them, Guppy.

  • mavenmaven

    How much is he getting paid for that promotional tweet?

  • IceCreamEmpress

    u kno wut i m? i'm ur worst nitemare, man—an old dumb cracker wiv a iPhone :)

    • Loaded_Pants

      some1 told me about this grindr thing, cant wait to use it!

  • Fare la Volpe

    I've never been happier to have an Android.

    • flamingpdog

      Mrs. Romney has an android too.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Why not get an American made smart phone, Communist!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Ca n'existe pas!

      • Negropolis

        La diffamation de fabrication d'Américain!

  • bumfug

    Cool, another aHole with an iPhone.

  • bumfug

    Once he found out they were made by poorly paid, physically exploited workers you couldn't keep him away.

  • C_R_Eature

    AS H LE STILL C N'T SPE L

    #electedruminant

    There you go, Owls!

  • CommieLibunatic

    In other surprising developments, I have a mullet and am currently pantsless. ALERT THE FUCKING MEDIA!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Numbat_Dundee

    It cost him so much he couldn't afford to buy a vowel.

  • emmelemm

    He can afford an iPhone, because his socialized medicine is all covered by that sweet, sweet Congress health plan.

  • iburl

    Doesn't this stupid old man have any grandkids that can teach him how to stop fucking everything up and let them handle anything having to do with computers?

  • user-of-owls

    Wonkette Manual of Style, 5 ed.:

    References to Chuck Grassley should always include his proper modifier: elected ruminant.

    • Chichikovovich

      Did you know that the nilgai is a type of (typically non-elected) ruminant?

      I think I can use that in my next rap about the founding fathers. I can say "nilgai", right?

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Be careful. I think there's a Palin child who's a nilgai.

        • Chichikovovich

          I don't think any of the Palins have the cognitive capacity to manage four stomachs at once.

          • flamingpdog

            So what else is gnu in your world?

        • user-of-owls

          No, no. It's the President who's a nilgai, so say whatever your basest vile reptilian brain wants to say!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        The blue cow? How interesting. Have you ever seen one up close? I never have.

        • Chichikovovich

          No, never. But I've seen pictures, and they look nothing like any of the Palins. Except for that one Halloween that Bristol went as a smurf.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Oh, man. I couldn't even *find* these comments, how unfair is *that.*

  • Abernathy

    This must be what happens when one translates airport bathroom stall foot tapping code into Twitter characters.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    I see that elected ruminant (*) Grassley didn't learn a damn thing after his account got hacked and he was mocked because the hacker's comments were not written in the style of "stupid old white man attempts to speak like the kids"

    * thank you owls, and good to see you back

    • user-of-owls

      Well someone's got to keep these dizzy children in line. In our day, if we forgot a meme we'd have to write it 100 times. In EBCDIC. On punch cards.

  • Mahousu

    He looks kind of dead in the picture he posted on his Twitter feed. Usually, people choose the most flattering picture possible for their profiles, so I assume he really looks more like this.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      The Cuban guy is 111 years old, so that means his Entire World has Changed – Twice!

  • C_R_Eature

    A sphincter types what?

  • Slim_Pickins

    Shouldn't that read, "i haz a Iphone"?

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Can Grassley haz cheezburger?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Well, hell. I've been on my deathbed and away from the wonket for more than a week and I miss my chance to welcome Jim Back. So, hey! Welcome back to both you and me.

    I have no time yet again since I'm catching up on shit I left undone while I was dying (but, obviously, lived.) I guess this means I missed the discussion of the OK state senator Connie Johnson;s (D–Urban District.) (Yes, we have a few Democrats who get elected to the lege, thank you very much) pro-life rider on the zygotes are people, too, bill.

    Hell, squared. At any rate, Jim, don't let my near brush with death (I had a terrible cold, okay?) ruin your "Yes. Home again" buzz.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Sorry to hear you were sick; glad to hear you're recovering. Pretty much all you missed was CPAC, so the cold may not have been a bad trade.

      We unanimously want to have Senator Johnson's children.

  • Barrelhse

    Good news for Anonymous!

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      After they "hacked" Syria's President's email by guessing the password ("12345", seriously, I am not making that up), you are probably onto something.

  • GregComlish

    I herd iphone uses large amnt of Nrg. Does Grassley need a strong source of Nrg to plug into his phone???

  • not that Dewey

    How long before we have to hear about emailed pictures of Grassley's junk?

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      Are you assuming he is going to be sending pics of his junk to corn lobbyists and hit "send all" by mistake?

      • not that Dewey

        Whatever it takes.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Grandpa Cornpants' junk? Yellow, bumpy, and covered in corn silk, I gotta assume.

    • flamingpdog

      Thanx. Now I won't need to have another cup of coffee to stay up until midnight.

    • user-of-owls

      Excuse me, Mr. Dewey is it? Yes, well we're from the International Criminal Court's Crimes Against Humanity division and we were wondering if we might have a word with you regarding this post. What's that? No, no, you won't need your keys, we'll take you in our car. Just step into the back seat if you would, now. That's a good fellow.

  • KotBR

    h v an iphone, hr is m y pn s

    #sentfromTweetDeck

  • ttommyunger

    That's nice, Chuckles; go back to sleep now.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    That entire sentence typed out including punctuation is less than 140 characters. He must think abbreviating shit is inherently hip or something.

  • Negropolis

    I can haz iFone?

    Really, don't have one, don't want one.

  • barto

    OK. but was it "Sent by his iphone"? This is important, guys…

  • Antispandex

    Stil cnt figur out how to gt porn tho! Dam

  • SayItWithWookies

    SenGrassley cngrts on bn 8ble 2tell whol fcknworld u h v nthing2say.

    SenGrassley My cts h v a tlscpe bt thtdznt mk thm astrnmrs. 2 bad tho thr nite vzn wlda md tht a gr8t c4reer 0ptn.

    SenGrassley thr R 20mil stories n d Nkd Cty. Yrs isnt 1.

  • Man0nTheStreet

    #DubuqueSteamer

  • lulzmonger

    Welsh & Polish proofreaders wept.

  • DahBoner

    Sure do save a lot of time, leaving out them vowels…

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Retweeted 128 times? Who in the hell retweets something like that?

    • OurHoboSenator

      Um….I resemble that remark.

  • Limeylizzie

    I have to say that was one of my favourite threads , it seemed to bring out the silliest comments in the Wonkettes and also Owls was here.

    • MissTaken

      This thread will hold a special place in the Library of Congress.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    It's 2 bad u dont haz a IQ, Chuck

  • DaRooster

    Hey Chuck… I think your iPhone is broked.

  • PlanetWingNut

    "I thought Grindr was about teeth problems, scruff well who doesn't love furry creatures, and manhunt…well i can't explain that but im not now or have ever been gay"

  • bravo_sierra

    You know what an iPhone makes really, really easy? Typing in complete sentences. It also learns your text patterns and favorite words, which means some poor iPhone is about to get really stupid.

  • James Michael Curley

    Since I am sure he keeps it set on 'vibrate' I don't want to hear where he keeps it.

  • CheeseNPear

    I'm not even going to read through all the comments, because I'm sure someone has already suggested it, but could a decent lex hacker please create a ChuckGrassley filter? I think that if you just start with the B1FF Filter and convert to lower case, you're half-way there.