oh come on already

Chris Christie Looks Forward To Screaming Down Gay Marriage Bill

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You take back the curse but the world just gets worse, as you wonder about how someone could become so fat and so proud off the damage they've doneNew Jersey’s Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will go to the state Assembly, which will pass it, because Assemblies pass everything. Then it will hit the desk of the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who will veto it and then curse out some teachers, for his breakfast dessert.

Democrats in the state won’t have the numbers to overturn Christie’s veto, so there is not likely to be any married gay sexytime in the filthy toxic beach death state anytime soon. But since when has a lack of success ever stopped Democrats from patting themselves on the back and celebrating? From the Star-Ledger:

Gay marriage opponents say such a stalemate will put New Jersey’s 10-year debate on ice for a long time. Supporters, however, will treat a vote by both houses as an important milestone in a fight they will continue to wage.

“I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.

Steven Goldstein, chairman of the gay rights advocacy group Garden State Equality, said the group will celebrate if it passes.
“This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

Here’s some good news for the homosexuals of Washington state, though, that just popped up on the Twitter: “Washington state to become the 7th in the nation to allow gay marriage as governor signs bill into law.” Now Bill Gates can finally marry that other guy from Washington state; congrats to both!

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Chrispie Chrispie should just shut up, come out to Washington and take it like a man.
    Gregoire signs gay marriage into law

    • emmelemm

      I came here to point this out! And you already have!

      Yay Washington.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Yeah, Chris Gregoire is signing ghey marriage bill today.

    • BigDumbRedDog

      I'm making a list of names to call the referendum signature gatherers I see out in front of QFC next week.

      • I_P

        Me too. I'm going to start with "You tremendous cockwagon."

    • orygoon

      Gay marriage to the North of us! Gay marriage to the South of us! (Orygoon ducks head in shame.)

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Legalized dope is up next, for us Washingtonians.

      I won't take up smoking it again, but it'll be fun to see those state-operated marijuana stores take a big bite outta the dope-dealing ganstas' turf.

  • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Christie doesn't need to scream it down. He just needs to sit on it.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Haven't all the gay people left New Jersey, by now?

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Vito Spatafore "left" New Jersey, yeah.

      • hebmskebm

        I still remember hearing audible screams when his head popped up in that car from the dorms around me when watching that episode in college.

    • vulpes82

      No, we're still here! We can be boring suburbanites, too, you know.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Now Bill Gates can finally marry that other guy from Washington state; congrats to both! Ichiro Suzuki?

    • nounverb911

      Will Ichiro get all testy if Gates bats first?

      • Thurman Munster IV

        According to Alvy Singer, you can make it last longer if you think of baseball. Slide!

  • Baconzgood

    (Insert Snookie snark here)

  • HarryButtle

    “This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

    One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong, one of these things is not like the others, can you tell before I finish my song?

  • Come here a minute

    “I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.

    Give me a break — we're supposed to believe the guy with the sports metaphor is gay?

    On the other hand, Sports plus Barbra = Fabulous!

  • ph7

    Look at it this way, Chris – it will double your chances for a wedding dinner invitation.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Chris Christie Looks Forward To Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Dinner, Supper, Dessert.


    • comrad_darkness

      . . . second breakfast, second lunch, tea time, midnight snack . . .

      • MosesInvests

        I don't think he's heard of second breakfast, Pip.

      • LagunaB

        Desert, desert, sugar, sugar, meat, pork, fat, fat, fat.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You forgot "elevenses."

    • Negropolis

      You forgot Taco Bell's Fourthmeal, which comes after dessert.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,”

    What, no love for Judy Garland?

    • Baconzgood

      Or Cher.

    • Guppy

      She hasn't toured much lately.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You're getting OLD, dood.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    To become legal in NJ, gay marriage legislation would have to get around Chris Christie, which light itself cannot do.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Black hole libel!

      • SheriffRoscoe

        Christie's pie hole is the event horizon LMAO.

    • LagunaB

      M theory, multiple universes, 10 dimensions = Chris Christy.

  • Joshua Norton

    so there is not likely to be any married gay sexytime

    Needs more cliche bumper sticker slogans! Activate hind brain implants in Reptilian footsoldiers.


    "It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

    End Transmission.

    • phlox✔

      It's Adam and Yves, not Adam and Eve.

      • LagunaB

        Adam and Adam, Eve and Eve. Or if you continue to fuck with women's rights, it is nothing. Make your own breakfast, lunch, dinner, cook, clean, shop. And No Sex.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg


  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Then it will hit the desk of the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who will veto it and then curse out some teachers, for his breakfast dessert.

    And then the gasbags who write for the New York Times will once again hyperventilate about their love for Governor Fatty McFatass and their dreams that he'll save the Gross Old Pervert party.

    (Presumably not by riding in on a white horse, as he'd squash it…maybe while sitting in a big white stretch humvee limo.)

    • BerkeleyBear

      Carried in a sling under a white helicopter a la Dumbo Drop.

    • kissawookiee

      Riding a white whale. A white whale, riding.

  • http://wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Christie will reject this law faster than a Jenny Craig diet.

  • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

    “This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

    That sounds horrible, but I'm glad they voted to legalize it anyway.

  • flamingpdog

    Why aren't the Democratic legislators in New Jersey doing important things, like passing an amendment to the New Jersey constitution prohibiting anyone who doesn't have a neck from being elected governor?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Then New Jersey would never have a governor again, duh.

      • LagunaB

        Or a gov with a neck And a brain. Duh.

      • Negropolis

        But, Corzine, McGreevy and the rest all had necks.

  • coolhandnuke

    Christie caption:
    "There are three things my flatulence can do, clear the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, turn your mom's apple pie cooling on the window sill into Chernobyl, and bring tears to a bald eagle."

  • orygoon

    I'm turned off by the Fatty-American demographic being allowed to marry.

    • swordfis

      Yes. I've thought about this a lot, unfortunately. Many heterosexual fellow Americans, immensely overweight, hideous and abysmally stupid, are opposed to gay marriage, while they are allowed to reproduce? It's a lucky for them that eugenics has been discredited.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Christie just wants the gays to stay unattached, so he can more easily chase them down and eat them.

  • meatlofer

    Well it's legal on other planets like Chris Christie.

  • facehead

    I hope he's carpet bombed by glitter for the next decade.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      That would require more glitter than the glitter factories produce in a year.

      • emmelemm

        Think of the JOBS!!!

        New glitter factories for all!

        • jus_wonderin

          I am going to buy some stock in whatever glitter is made of.

          • Fare la Volpe

            IT'S MADE OF PEOPLE!!!

          • flamingpdog

            The glitterati?

          • Negropolis

            Mariah Carey libel!

    • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

      That's a LOT of glitter. Woo mama!

    • BlackRhino

      There ain’t that much damn glitter in the omniverse.

  • pinkocommi

    If I got to vote on whether Chris Christie could legally marry – or even have sex with – anyone every again, my vote would be a resounding "no."

    • kissawookiee

      In order to have sex, he kinda needs to be able to see/reach his penis. I am hazarding a guess that hasn't happened since sometime in 1995, and even then the Jaws of Life were involved.

      • comrad_darkness

        Belly dancing was invented for powerful men with his build. (sorry if I ruined belly dancing for you…)

        • kissawookiee

          You just ruined belly dancing AND dancing dancing. Pork belly may be off the table now too, forever. Thanks.

          • LagunaB

            Oh, cum on, he is on his back. Do you have no sense of imagination? He can stand?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You and about 250 million other people who are *totally* squicked out that anyone/thing resembling Chris Chrispy is allowed to do teh sexaytime without sling supports.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    This is good news for Jay & Silent Bob!

  • DaRooster

    “This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,”

    2 of these are fabulous…

  • prommie

    This is a poke in the eye for Governor Hugeass McLardyFatty McFat-Fat-so-Fat-that-he-eats-everything-and-he's-fat-and-smells-like-a-smelly-fatass. The Dems are trying to embarrass him in front of his conservative friends, they know he can't sign it, because then the pigfuckers of South Kakalakee would never nominate him to gasp and wheeze and fly in a helicopter (cause he can't RUN, get it?) to within 100 feet of being the fattest fat president ever to sit AROUND the White House and be fat.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      I don't consider any Chris Christie thread complete without one of your comments my dear.

      • prommie

        Vile fat fuck, grrrrrr, grrr, fat fucker, grrrr, mumble mumble growl . . .fatty fat fucker. . . .grrr

    • Fare la Volpe

      Somewhere on the internet a chubbie chaser just popped a rockin' boner.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Didn't Spielberg produce a movie about Chubbie Chasers back in the '90s? They drove around rural America using special equipment called "their eyes."

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      Here's my favorite bit of Presidential trivia: William Howard Taft is the only President who also served as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He's also the only President to get himself stuck in the Presidential Bath Tub. Only one of these two things is well-known historical fact.

      On the other hand, if Chris Christie were to become president??

      He'd still be a complete asshole.

      • GOPCrusher

        William Howard Taft is also credited with creating the time honored baseball tradition called The Seventh Inning Stretch, when he stood up and pulled the underwear out of the crack of his ass.

      • Negropolis

        He was also famous for walking to the Supreme Court nearly the day until he died. You hear that, Governor Goombah? Take the hint.

    • GOPCrusher

      Wait a minute. Are you trying to say that Chris Christie is fat? Because I'm getting that impression.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Let me guess: you have a thing about fat?

  • DaSandman

    Well, if mo's were made of donuts and brisket, they'd have more of a chance with His Honor the Walking Stomach.

  • prommie

    He has announced, this is a true story, fatty mcfattypants has announced, that he plans to follow this year's Bruce Springsteen tour like a deadhead, and therefore he will be out of the State a lot going to Bruce concerts. I hope Bruce calls him the fuck out from the stage, the fat fucking fatty smelly fat fucker. There is video of him singing Born to Run at his own inauguration, there are no words for the horror.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      LOL…Chris Christie…Born.To.Run.??? Dude needs a helicopter to move 100 yards. I can just see Bruce bringing him on stage and getting him to sing and then holding Meatloaf's oxygen bottle just out of reach.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      You're being mean. Christie was born to run to the buffet but he just won't leave it.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Born to Run? From what, his infuriated constituents?

      Holy gee, are all these fat, motherfucking dumbassed no-talent Whitey McRepublicans going to start yodeling every chance they get now? Because I might have to have my fucking eardrums surgically removed.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Someone should remind the Republicans that gays don't need contraceptives, since that seems to be their main priority now.

    • Come here a minute

      They also have very few abortions.

  • Schmannnity

    This is not surprising for a state which doesn't even let you put a gas hose in your own car's tank.

    • dijetlo


      • emmelemm

        Minimum wage JERBS!!!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Really? They still have gas station attendants, by law?

      • emmelemm

        New Jersey and Oregon: where you are NOT ALLOWED, by law, to pump your own gas.

        True story.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I never drove through NJ, but I did drive through Oregon en route to BC, and it was the greatest shock of my life to have gas pumped for me for the first time in, what, 30 years?

  • prommie

    You watch, there will be lots of pointing of the vile fat kielbasa-finger of doom at people, too, from the disgusting wallowing oceanic-tide-inducing governor gravitywell.

  • Indiepalin

    The legislature may pass this law, but a potential Christie veto carries a lot of weight.

    • CessnaDriver

      Fat chance of him signing it.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Ha ha. My governor not only signed gay marriage into law today but also happens to not be a morbidly obese bag of gas.

    • Fare la Volpe

      And a lady person of vaginal persuasion.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I swear, Vaginal-Americans have been WAY better to us of late than Penile-Americans.

    • anniegetyerfun

      We need to get that on the license plates up in heeyah.

  • anniegetyerfun

    My lovely state of Washington did something right. Now I don't have to move to California. Although I miss the vitamin D.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Sunshine is overrated.


      • anniegetyerfun

        I'll rephrase – I miss having a functioning thyroid.

    • emmelemm

      Vitamin D! Now in pill form!

      • anniegetyerfun

        Not the same.

  • Local_Mojo

    Think of this way, Chris: it would mean more wedding receptions.


    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You have NO idea how much $$$ gay weddinging creates. Think caterers, florists, photographers, bands, space rental, champagne, limos, tux rentals, clothing rentals in general, and all the partying like only gay folks can party.

      Srsly. It brought in huge amounts of $$$ when it was first allowed in these heah parts. I mean, only so many straight people will marry per year. But gay folks have been waiting for DECADES, some of 'em, to get married. Pass the damn laws and get the hell out of our way, 'cos we're gonna have us a PAR-TAY!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Or, they say, Christie, already a prospect to join Mitt Romney’s ticket if he wins the GOP presidential nomination, could leave New Jersey politics and free GOP lawmakers afraid to cross him.

    Don't fear, pro-gay-marriage Republicans (?!) — it gets better. Unless Romney doesn't win the nomination, which is increasingly likely, in which case you may as well stand up to that screaming nonsensical jackass who's fucking up your state.

    • MozakiBlocks

      Oh, the fun to be had at the VP debate if Christie is on the ticket.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    "Democrats in the state won’t have the numbers to overturn Christie’s veto"

    How can you be sure, Newell? Have you looked under the folds?

  • meatlofer

    Just slip it in with his charges from the Golden Corral he'll sign it into law!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Did they just expand into Illinois? Just in the last month, I've started seeing TV spots for this "Golden Corral" and their disgusting waterfall of chocolate that toddlers can stick their feet into and then lick them off. Is the CDC aware of this?!

      • 40 or 50 % McShineys

        Don't let Chris Christie near any chocolate-covered toddlers. Just sayin'

        • emmelemm

          "Get in mah belly!"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        What the FUCK?

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          I know you're a gourmand, so I hate to do this to you, but…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Sweet CHRIST!! This is not food! I hate to think of how many grams of legally permitted rat hair and feces is circulating through that fucking fountain.

            Thank you very much, Chet. I'm off to heave my colon out through my guggle.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            It's the Kincaid Cleanse! I'll bill you.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I'd say something snarky, but I'm too busy hurling.

            Oh! If you have Netflix? Be sure to catch this movie: Delhi Belly. Yes, it has barfacious bits, which is why I thought of it just now. But it's hilariously funny and surprisingly good for a Bollywood movie.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            There is also a youtube video of one of those chocolate fountains malfunctioning that will rip all of the "good" bacteria and a layer of stomach lining out of your gut. It's hilarious, though. But I'll spare ya.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Bows deeply, backs away, still hurling into bag)

            Note to self: NO googling YouTube for Golden Corral, chocolate fountains, or chocolate malfunction EVAH.

  • Goonemeritus

    Christie while undoubtedly a hateful conservative troll on most issues, publicly has been kind of why would I care on marriage equality. For years the Republicans have been using this as a wedge issue to drive voter turnout. In this case the left is doing it to force Christie to go on record one way or the other. Whichever choice he makes it will hurt his party in the Garden State. I love that at least in the North East this Wedge is working against Republicans.

    • 40 or 50 % McShineys

      "Care for a gay marriage bill, Mister Christie? It's waffer thin!"

  • Callyson

    These assholes. First they said that gay marriage should not be imposed by the courts, but should be voted on by the elected officials. Now that they're doing so in NJ, where polls show a majority of Garden State residents support marriage equality, no dice.
    But a hint of optimism from the NJ Star Ledger:
    Christie, already a prospect to join Mitt Romney’s ticket if he wins the GOP presidential nomination, could leave New Jersey politics and free GOP lawmakers afraid to cross him.
    So I guess that means I'm rooting for Mittens to win the bloodbath that is the GOP nomination…

    • GOPCrusher

      But Christie made several mentions before the Iowa Caucuses that he had no intentions of running for President and no intentions of being a Vice President candidate if he was asked.
      Are you indicating that he may have been less than truthful?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Or maybe it's the media, who just won't let the fat fuck go, no matter how many times he says NFW.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    There's an interesting program just came on Netflix Streaming with Steven van Zandt, about him as a mobster on the Witness Protection Program hiding out in Lillehammer, Norway. Called "Lilyhammer," co-produced and co-written by Silvio Dante himself. Typical "Fish out of water" fare, not quite up to Sopranos quality but pretty interesting and a nice fix if you don't feel like re-watching all 80-odd Sopranos episodes at the present time…

  • johnnymeatworth

    Governor Fattypants vetos more sane, responsible legislation before his elevenses than most thinner governors veto all day.

  • prommie

    I once saw him out at an italian restaurant eating second lunch.

    • emmelemm


      I mean, fourteenth meal?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Sounds like my Maine Coons. Seventeen meals a day, whether or not they need 'em. Which is why they were always known as Hernia Boy and Little Sheep.

    • Steverino247

      I'll have what they're having?

      What who's having?

      The 254th Infantry Regiment.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      And his hair was "meh".

  • MinAgain

    Then it will hit the desk of the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who will veto it and then eat it for breakfast.

    Fixed that for ya.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    The only thing that could stay the pen is a rider granting Christie the first piece top level of cake at all gay weddings.

  • poorgradstudent

    I don't see what the problem is. Just tell him he'd have to climb some stairs in order to sign the veto.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I don't get it – if marriage is only between a man and a woman, how did Mrs. Christie get to marry a hippopodomous?

  • CapnFatback

    I don't know whether you've ever met "Gay Marriage" Bill, but he's got a set of lungs on him that could rival Christie's. Now had you said that Christie looked forward to gulping down "Gay Marriage" Bill, there'd be some reason for concern.

  • owhatever

    When you think brokered convention, think of Governor Krispy Kreme.

  • Limeylizzie

    Fuck him.

    • Beowoof

      That could be a crushing assignment if he is on top.

  • barto

    That's Christie ordering three fingers of Johnny Walker to celebrate smacking down the gays!

  • IceCreamEmpress

    The hypochristie of it all! Especially seeing as Chris Christie himself represents the union of two men into one through the bonds of holy fatrimony.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      May I steal that entire comment? Will attribute, soon's I figure out what I want to do with it.

  • mookwrthwilson

    If they amend the bill forcing all married couples to give tubbo a piece of cake from each gay wedding, he would sign this bitch in a second.

  • ElPinche

    Hope he doesn't eat gay marriage.

  • ttommyunger

    Looking good, Governor; have you lost weight? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • Negropolis

    How about this piece of legislation: You can't see your dick over your stomach, you can't be allowed to marry?

  • Negropolis

    You want to know the terrible thing about this? From his previous comments, it's pretty obvious Christie doesn't give a flying fuck whether or not two women or two dudes marry each other. He doing this cynical purely for political reasons.

    Same thing happened here in Michigan. While other states are extending rights, Rick Michigan (Guv Snyder) caved to conservative pressure in the legislature taking away benefits from public employee with domestic partners when everyone knows that the guy couldn't care less about someone else's sexuality. Hell, his company had same sex benefits when he was CEO of Gateway.

  • sewollef


    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      You disrespectin' the Bing, my friend?

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Is Fatty "Fatso" McFattingale the new Dame Peggington Nooningtonhamshire, where we just get more and more absurd and elaborate with their names? I'm just trying to keep my memes straight.

    Another similarity between Governor Gargantua and Dame Lady Pegaline Nonny-Nonny-hey-Nonny-Nonny is that i don't really hate him quite as much as the other baggers. On one or two occasions, he has actually said things which made sense.

  • WeHaveIssues

    Let the gays marry or we slash the tires on every Twinkies truck trying to enter New Jersey.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    Chris Christie: the epitomé of the conservative movement. They don't get any more constipated that that!