oh come on already

Chris Christie Looks Forward To Screaming Down Gay Marriage Bill

You take back the curse but the world just gets worse, as you wonder about how someone could become so fat and so proud off the damage they've doneNew Jersey’s Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will go to the state Assembly, which will pass it, because Assemblies pass everything. Then it will hit the desk of the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who will veto it and then curse out some teachers, for his breakfast dessert.

Democrats in the state won’t have the numbers to overturn Christie’s veto, so there is not likely to be any married gay sexytime in the filthy toxic beach death state anytime soon. But since when has a lack of success ever stopped Democrats from patting themselves on the back and celebrating? From the Star-Ledger:

Gay marriage opponents say such a stalemate will put New Jersey’s 10-year debate on ice for a long time. Supporters, however, will treat a vote by both houses as an important milestone in a fight they will continue to wage.

“I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.

Steven Goldstein, chairman of the gay rights advocacy group Garden State Equality, said the group will celebrate if it passes.
“This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

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Here’s some good news for the homosexuals of Washington state, though, that just popped up on the Twitter: “Washington state to become the 7th in the nation to allow gay marriage as governor signs bill into law.” Now Bill Gates can finally marry that other guy from Washington state; congrats to both!

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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152 comments

    1. BigDumbRedDog

      I'm making a list of names to call the referendum signature gatherers I see out in front of QFC next week.

      1. hebmskebm

        I still remember hearing audible screams when his head popped up in that car from the dorms around me when watching that episode in college.

  1. Thurman Munster IV

    Now Bill Gates can finally marry that other guy from Washington state; congrats to both! Ichiro Suzuki?

  2. HarryButtle

    “This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

    One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong, one of these things is not like the others, can you tell before I finish my song?

  3. Come here a minute

    “I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.

    Give me a break — we're supposed to believe the guy with the sports metaphor is gay?

    On the other hand, Sports plus Barbra = Fabulous!

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    "like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,”

    What, no love for Judy Garland?

  5. SheriffRoscoe

    To become legal in NJ, gay marriage legislation would have to get around Chris Christie, which light itself cannot do.

  6. Joshua Norton

    so there is not likely to be any married gay sexytime

    Needs more cliche bumper sticker slogans! Activate hind brain implants in Reptilian footsoldiers.

    Transmitting….

    "It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

    End Transmission.

      1. LagunaB

        Adam and Adam, Eve and Eve. Or if you continue to fuck with women's rights, it is nothing. Make your own breakfast, lunch, dinner, cook, clean, shop. And No Sex.

  7. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Then it will hit the desk of the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who will veto it and then curse out some teachers, for his breakfast dessert.

    And then the gasbags who write for the New York Times will once again hyperventilate about their love for Governor Fatty McFatass and their dreams that he'll save the Gross Old Pervert party.

    (Presumably not by riding in on a white horse, as he'd squash it…maybe while sitting in a big white stretch humvee limo.)
    ~

  8. Andrew Drinker

    “This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

    That sounds horrible, but I'm glad they voted to legalize it anyway.

  9. flamingpdog

    Why aren't the Democratic legislators in New Jersey doing important things, like passing an amendment to the New Jersey constitution prohibiting anyone who doesn't have a neck from being elected governor?

  10. coolhandnuke

    Christie caption:
    "There are three things my flatulence can do, clear the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, turn your mom's apple pie cooling on the window sill into Chernobyl, and bring tears to a bald eagle."

    1. swordfis

      Yes. I've thought about this a lot, unfortunately. Many heterosexual fellow Americans, immensely overweight, hideous and abysmally stupid, are opposed to gay marriage, while they are allowed to reproduce? It's a lucky for them that eugenics has been discredited.

  11. pinkocommi

    If I got to vote on whether Chris Christie could legally marry – or even have sex with – anyone every again, my vote would be a resounding "no."

    1. kissawookiee

      In order to have sex, he kinda needs to be able to see/reach his penis. I am hazarding a guess that hasn't happened since sometime in 1995, and even then the Jaws of Life were involved.

      1. comrad_darkness

        Belly dancing was invented for powerful men with his build. (sorry if I ruined belly dancing for you…)

        1. kissawookiee

          You just ruined belly dancing AND dancing dancing. Pork belly may be off the table now too, forever. Thanks.

    2. MittBorg

      You and about 250 million other people who are *totally* squicked out that anyone/thing resembling Chris Chrispy is allowed to do teh sexaytime without sling supports.

  12. DaRooster

    “This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,”

    2 of these are fabulous…

  13. prommie

    This is a poke in the eye for Governor Hugeass McLardyFatty McFat-Fat-so-Fat-that-he-eats-everything-and-he's-fat-and-smells-like-a-smelly-fatass. The Dems are trying to embarrass him in front of his conservative friends, they know he can't sign it, because then the pigfuckers of South Kakalakee would never nominate him to gasp and wheeze and fly in a helicopter (cause he can't RUN, get it?) to within 100 feet of being the fattest fat president ever to sit AROUND the White House and be fat.

    1. Negligently_Joe

      Here's my favorite bit of Presidential trivia: William Howard Taft is the only President who also served as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He's also the only President to get himself stuck in the Presidential Bath Tub. Only one of these two things is well-known historical fact.

      On the other hand, if Chris Christie were to become president??

      He'd still be a complete asshole.

      1. GOPCrusher

        William Howard Taft is also credited with creating the time honored baseball tradition called The Seventh Inning Stretch, when he stood up and pulled the underwear out of the crack of his ass.

      2. Negropolis

        He was also famous for walking to the Supreme Court nearly the day until he died. You hear that, Governor Goombah? Take the hint.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Wait a minute. Are you trying to say that Chris Christie is fat? Because I'm getting that impression.

  14. DaSandman

    Well, if mo's were made of donuts and brisket, they'd have more of a chance with His Honor the Walking Stomach.

  15. prommie

    He has announced, this is a true story, fatty mcfattypants has announced, that he plans to follow this year's Bruce Springsteen tour like a deadhead, and therefore he will be out of the State a lot going to Bruce concerts. I hope Bruce calls him the fuck out from the stage, the fat fucking fatty smelly fat fucker. There is video of him singing Born to Run at his own inauguration, there are no words for the horror.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      LOL…Chris Christie…Born.To.Run.??? Dude needs a helicopter to move 100 yards. I can just see Bruce bringing him on stage and getting him to sing and then holding Meatloaf's oxygen bottle just out of reach.

    2. MittBorg

      Born to Run? From what, his infuriated constituents?

      Holy gee, are all these fat, motherfucking dumbassed no-talent Whitey McRepublicans going to start yodeling every chance they get now? Because I might have to have my fucking eardrums surgically removed.

  16. BarackMyWorld

    Someone should remind the Republicans that gays don't need contraceptives, since that seems to be their main priority now.

  17. Schmannnity

    This is not surprising for a state which doesn't even let you put a gas hose in your own car's tank.

        1. MittBorg

          I never drove through NJ, but I did drive through Oregon en route to BC, and it was the greatest shock of my life to have gas pumped for me for the first time in, what, 30 years?

  18. prommie

    You watch, there will be lots of pointing of the vile fat kielbasa-finger of doom at people, too, from the disgusting wallowing oceanic-tide-inducing governor gravitywell.

  19. BigDumbRedDog

    Ha ha. My governor not only signed gay marriage into law today but also happens to not be a morbidly obese bag of gas.

  20. anniegetyerfun

    My lovely state of Washington did something right. Now I don't have to move to California. Although I miss the vitamin D.

    1. MittBorg

      You have NO idea how much $$$ gay weddinging creates. Think caterers, florists, photographers, bands, space rental, champagne, limos, tux rentals, clothing rentals in general, and all the partying like only gay folks can party.

      Srsly. It brought in huge amounts of $$$ when it was first allowed in these heah parts. I mean, only so many straight people will marry per year. But gay folks have been waiting for DECADES, some of 'em, to get married. Pass the damn laws and get the hell out of our way, 'cos we're gonna have us a PAR-TAY!

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Or, they say, Christie, already a prospect to join Mitt Romney’s ticket if he wins the GOP presidential nomination, could leave New Jersey politics and free GOP lawmakers afraid to cross him.

    Don't fear, pro-gay-marriage Republicans (?!) — it gets better. Unless Romney doesn't win the nomination, which is increasingly likely, in which case you may as well stand up to that screaming nonsensical jackass who's fucking up your state.

  22. SheriffRoscoe

    "Democrats in the state won’t have the numbers to overturn Christie’s veto"

    How can you be sure, Newell? Have you looked under the folds?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Did they just expand into Illinois? Just in the last month, I've started seeing TV spots for this "Golden Corral" and their disgusting waterfall of chocolate that toddlers can stick their feet into and then lick them off. Is the CDC aware of this?!

          1. MittBorg

            Sweet CHRIST!! This is not food! I hate to think of how many grams of legally permitted rat hair and feces is circulating through that fucking fountain.

            Thank you very much, Chet. I'm off to heave my colon out through my guggle.

          2. MittBorg

            I'd say something snarky, but I'm too busy hurling.

            Oh! If you have Netflix? Be sure to catch this movie: Delhi Belly. Yes, it has barfacious bits, which is why I thought of it just now. But it's hilariously funny and surprisingly good for a Bollywood movie.

          3. Chet Kincaid

            There is also a youtube video of one of those chocolate fountains malfunctioning that will rip all of the "good" bacteria and a layer of stomach lining out of your gut. It's hilarious, though. But I'll spare ya.

          4. MittBorg

            Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Bows deeply, backs away, still hurling into bag)

            Note to self: NO googling YouTube for Golden Corral, chocolate fountains, or chocolate malfunction EVAH.

  23. Goonemeritus

    Christie while undoubtedly a hateful conservative troll on most issues, publicly has been kind of why would I care on marriage equality. For years the Republicans have been using this as a wedge issue to drive voter turnout. In this case the left is doing it to force Christie to go on record one way or the other. Whichever choice he makes it will hurt his party in the Garden State. I love that at least in the North East this Wedge is working against Republicans.

  24. Callyson

    These assholes. First they said that gay marriage should not be imposed by the courts, but should be voted on by the elected officials. Now that they're doing so in NJ, where polls show a majority of Garden State residents support marriage equality, no dice.
    But a hint of optimism from the NJ Star Ledger:
    Christie, already a prospect to join Mitt Romney’s ticket if he wins the GOP presidential nomination, could leave New Jersey politics and free GOP lawmakers afraid to cross him.
    So I guess that means I'm rooting for Mittens to win the bloodbath that is the GOP nomination…

    1. GOPCrusher

      But Christie made several mentions before the Iowa Caucuses that he had no intentions of running for President and no intentions of being a Vice President candidate if he was asked.
      Are you indicating that he may have been less than truthful?

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    There's an interesting program just came on Netflix Streaming with Steven van Zandt, about him as a mobster on the Witness Protection Program hiding out in Lillehammer, Norway. Called "Lilyhammer," co-produced and co-written by Silvio Dante himself. Typical "Fish out of water" fare, not quite up to Sopranos quality but pretty interesting and a nice fix if you don't feel like re-watching all 80-odd Sopranos episodes at the present time…

  26. johnnymeatworth

    Governor Fattypants vetos more sane, responsible legislation before his elevenses than most thinner governors veto all day.

      1. MittBorg

        Sounds like my Maine Coons. Seventeen meals a day, whether or not they need 'em. Which is why they were always known as Hernia Boy and Little Sheep.

  27. MinAgain

    Then it will hit the desk of the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who will veto it and then eat it for breakfast.

    Fixed that for ya.

  28. poorgradstudent

    I don't see what the problem is. Just tell him he'd have to climb some stairs in order to sign the veto.

  29. CapnFatback

    I don't know whether you've ever met "Gay Marriage" Bill, but he's got a set of lungs on him that could rival Christie's. Now had you said that Christie looked forward to gulping down "Gay Marriage" Bill, there'd be some reason for concern.

  30. IceCreamEmpress

    The hypochristie of it all! Especially seeing as Chris Christie himself represents the union of two men into one through the bonds of holy fatrimony.

  31. mookwrthwilson

    If they amend the bill forcing all married couples to give tubbo a piece of cake from each gay wedding, he would sign this bitch in a second.

  32. Negropolis

    How about this piece of legislation: You can't see your dick over your stomach, you can't be allowed to marry?

  33. Negropolis

    You want to know the terrible thing about this? From his previous comments, it's pretty obvious Christie doesn't give a flying fuck whether or not two women or two dudes marry each other. He doing this cynical purely for political reasons.

    Same thing happened here in Michigan. While other states are extending rights, Rick Michigan (Guv Snyder) caved to conservative pressure in the legislature taking away benefits from public employee with domestic partners when everyone knows that the guy couldn't care less about someone else's sexuality. Hell, his company had same sex benefits when he was CEO of Gateway.

  34. gurukalehuru

    Is Fatty "Fatso" McFattingale the new Dame Peggington Nooningtonhamshire, where we just get more and more absurd and elaborate with their names? I'm just trying to keep my memes straight.

    Another similarity between Governor Gargantua and Dame Lady Pegaline Nonny-Nonny-hey-Nonny-Nonny is that i don't really hate him quite as much as the other baggers. On one or two occasions, he has actually said things which made sense.

  35. Bonghits4Jesus

    Chris Christie: the epitomé of the conservative movement. They don't get any more constipated that that!

Comments are closed.