INQUISITION SLASH FICTION  2:29 pm February 13, 2012

K-Lo’s Wingnut Blog, ‘National Review Online,’ Tells Newt Gingrich To Quit

by Wonkette Jr.

Kisses for Santorum.Wingnut Catholic slash-fiction blog National Review Online insisted, at 4 a.m. today (!), that fake Catholic convert Newt Gingrich quit losing the GOP primary and instead let authentic Catholic wingnut Rick Santorum continue losing against Mormon liberal Mitt Romney. This is apparently news, even though Kathryn Jean Lopez has always loved Rick Santorum nearly as much as she loves Joseph Ratzinger in his lovely Prada slippers and bejeweled hat and silken dress. Will Newt respect the decision of K-Lo and immediately drop out of the race, to allow Rick Santorum a longer public moment to discuss sperm and gynecology and the right holes to ejaculate into, etc.? There is, after all, a sense that America needs this, for the next 10 or 11 months straight.

Here, from K-Lo’s LiveJournal update in the middle of her lonely night, because Sunday night is always the loneliest, after all the masses are over and she has to go home again, home to that lonely apartment with the Trent Reznor noises coming from the walls and the weird dripping from the refrigerator with the blinding white light ringing the doorway … the doorway, but to what? To where?

Santorum has been conducting himself rather impressively in his moments of triumph and avoiding characteristic temptations. He is doing his best to keep the press from dismissing him as merely a “social-issues candidate.” His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness. And he has rightly identified the declining stability of middle-class families as a threat to the American experiment, even if his proposed solutions are poorly designed. But sensible policies, important as they are, are not the immediate challenge for his candidacy. Proving he can run a national campaign is.

Romney remains the undramatic figure at the center of the primaries’ drama.

Is it not dramatic that the Ghost of Jesus wandered America a thousand years before the first Vikings arrived? Is it not dramatic that the early people of America — not the actual Native Americans, but the Weird Fake Biblical Tribes — met the Ghost of Jesus and hung out with Him, for fun? Is it not dramatic that such a people could, eventually, end up running major American car companies back when they were huge profit machines and not sadsack welfare cases propped up by Ben Bernanke or whatever?

WE HEREBY DEMAND a Wizard Duel between K-Lo and the Newt. Best (non-pedophile) Catholic spell wins. [National Review Online/New York Times]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 108 comments }

BaldarTFlagass February 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Sounds like K-Lo has a moist-on.

Not_So_Much February 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Man, I hate it when I post something almost identical to someone else who says it better seconds before mine loads. mea culpa!

BaldarTFlagass February 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Shit happens all the time. Luck of the draw, amigo!

BaldarTFlagass February 13, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"Santorum has been… avoiding characteristic temptations."

Like, uh, man-on-dog?

Not_So_Much February 13, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Somebody has a ladypart hard-on for sweater vests.

Steverino247 February 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm

My wife does, but only when I'm in them.

Tengu February 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Saint Orum?

ManchuCandidate February 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

K-Lo just gave Newticle her "I Don't Choo Choo Chooze Newt" Anti-Valentines Day Card.

DaRooster February 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

That's a bad habit… sexy time with a nun pig.

GOPCrusher February 13, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Well, they warned us this would happen if DADT was repealed.

AlterNewt February 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

".. an appealing self-awareness."

Yes. Of course.

Baconzgood February 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Is K-Low J-Low and K-Fed's bastard child? Inquiring minds want to know.

littlebigdaddy February 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Wake me up when the albino monks arrive.

slithytoves February 13, 2012 at 2:37 pm

because Sunday night is always the loneliest, after all the masses are over and she has to go home again

Masses are like Happy Hours – there is always one going on somewhere in the world.

ShaveTheWhales February 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Billions and billions of altarboys serviced.

mavenmaven February 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

"His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness"
One thing you can say about the current NR, is that they know losers.

Baconzgood February 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

If a characteristic temptation is being a douch bag then he hasn't avoided that at all. In fact, Baconz thinks he's punched it up a notch or two in the last month.

BaldarTFlagass February 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

"an appealing self-awareness."

Wrong.

orygoon February 13, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Succinct.

Loaded_Pants February 13, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I've always thought that Santorum has a dumbfuck look on his face like he could barely remember his own name or names of his kids:
"Well, there's the big girl, the smaller girl who dresses in the same outfits as her dolls, the boy with the crazy eyes….Who's the blonde one? Oh, that's my wife! Sorry. Oops."

DaRooster February 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Santorum? Humility? HA!! That's rich…

smokefilledroommate February 13, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I've always wanted a President with poorly designed solutions to everything.

Baconzgood February 13, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Dare to be sub-average smokey.

Beowoof February 13, 2012 at 3:04 pm

We tried that in 2000, didn't work out great.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 2:26 am

I see you've contracted the dreaded Dubya Amnesia.

Hera Sent Me February 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

That's not writing, it's just word processing.

StarsUponThars February 13, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I miss that bitch.

Jukesgrrl February 13, 2012 at 4:28 pm

No, it's dream processing.

bumfug February 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

You don't have to be a Juggalo to love the insane clown posse that is the republican presidential field.

BlackRhino February 13, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Is it karma when God smiles on Rick Santorum and Barack Obama at the same time?

GhostBuggy February 13, 2012 at 2:41 pm

"WE HEREBY DEMAND a Wizard Duel between K-Lo and the Newt."

Will the loser be buried in seven coffins or whatever?

prommie February 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

With all those fancy wax seals on that document, is that an Indulgence?

edgydrifter February 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm

K-Lo, you aren't very tempting to anyone. I'll bet it's pretty easy for Santorum to resist the urge to copulate with your folds in victory or defeat.

BaldarTFlagass February 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm

"To find wet spot, roll around in flour."

BarackMyWorld February 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Am I wrong in thinking Newt effectively dropped out the second he started talking about his MOONBASE?

Andrew Drinker February 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Five minutes later, actually. When he said it, he thought he was going to pull off some sort of JFK awesomeness that everyone would eat up. Five minutes later he realized that all it did was make him sound nuttier than when Dennis Kucinich talked about personal experiences with UFOs back in a 2007 Democratic primary debate.

BaldarTFlagass February 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

K-Lo should have just got married to her high school sweetheart after they graduated and got a job at the Dollar Store and popped out a passel of kids. Then this country would be just fine, thankyouveddymuch.

elfgoldsackring February 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm

No woman on donut marriage!

frostbitefalls February 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm
Andrew Drinker February 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

"WE HEREBY DEMAND a Wizard Duel between K-Lo and the Newt. Best (non-pedophile) Catholic spell wins."

I really don't see what poor Jon Huntsman's old band has to do with this.

anniegetyerfun February 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm

His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness.

If only absolutely everything else about him didn't counter that suggestion.

Crank_Tango February 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I am a little too hopped up on thai redbull and vietnamese coffee to read any of the post or comments so I will just go with my gut and say this is good news for McCain.

Also, I am the great cornholio and I need TP for my bunghole.

paris biltong February 13, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Thanks for the unsavory details. Hope everything came out all right.

Steverino247 February 13, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Are you threatening me?

MinAgain February 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm

That woman is a traitor to her gender.

StarsUponThars February 13, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Here's the runner-up in our Cunt of the Day contest:
http://mediamatters.org/blog/201202120002

BornInATrailer February 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm

"..to support women in the military who are now being raped too much."

Haha, I had to watch to hear/see her say that. And with nice tone of voice you'd typically associate with some eye-rolling. Awesome.

Before '06 they were being raped just the right amount. Nice job screwing that up, military ladies.

ShaveTheWhales February 13, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Which gender is that, again?

SheriffRoscoe February 13, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Newt's holding out for K-Lo to sweeten her offer. His little dick isn't going to ride itself.

paris biltong February 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm

So they know which way the wind blows at the NRO? How come they waited this long to declare? As Churchill would have it, keeping an ear to the ground does not put you in a very flattering position.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Newt will quit when the money runs out.

Just like cockroaches when there is nothing to eat.
Just like rats on sinking ship.
Just like Newt when his wife won’t do a threesome or gets sick.

fuflans February 13, 2012 at 2:56 pm

now that i think about it, 'the garden of earthly delights' is a perfect metaphor for the republican primary.

Beowoof February 13, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Wouldn't that be the bathroom stall of delight?

SayItWithWookies February 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm

His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness.

Apparently K-Lo likes them small.

Radiotherapy February 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm

When I lost a basketball game in junior high, you know what I learned?? Wait for it……humility.

ph7 February 13, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I trust you turned that defeat into a lucrative lobbying gig for the pharmaceutical industry.

DaRooster February 13, 2012 at 3:24 pm

And also, too… hating the gays… you know self-awareness.

Radiotherapy February 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

The worst part is when the team google bombed me — it meant something different, but strangely similar, back then.

Jukesgrrl February 13, 2012 at 4:33 pm

You should have learned that you need a better relationship with Jesus … the guy who fixes all sporting events.

Beowoof February 13, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Rick Santourm is a well known dumb ass. When folks refer to him as Senator Gump or quite possibly the dumbest person they have ever met, it becomes clear that opinion of the Senator is not good with many in the establishment.

el_donaldo February 13, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Is K-Lo's apartment in Ghostbusters or a David Lynch film? I'd prefer the latter, if possible.

Jukesgrrl February 13, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Her whole life is a David Lynch film. Puce Velvet.

smitallica February 13, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Yes, a guy who lost his Senate seat by 18 points now thinks he can lead the free world.

Such humility.

GOPCrusher February 13, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I would think an important part of self awareness would include the realization that the voters just aren't that in to you.

Loaded_Pants February 13, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I personally would love for Santorum to learn true humiliation. Preferably involving santorum at next GOP debate.

Indiepalin February 13, 2012 at 3:07 pm

There is no quality more important to a potential president than learning the "importance of humidity"

Blueb4sunrise February 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm

low humidity—>more lube

Radiotherapy February 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

And "high pressure" helps too.

PhilippePetain February 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I'm going to be sorely disappointed when they don't actually nominate Santorum. Seriously, if the republican electorate bought into him and started regularly espousing everything he believes wholesale, in a generation they would be garnering 20% in most elections regularly.

GOPCrusher February 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I don't think so. Current Republiklan trends indicate that after a shellacking in the 2012 election, David Duke will be the 2016 nominee.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm

What do you get when you cross K Lo with the Doughy Pantload?

That's right…err WRONG!

(From here.)
~

orygoon February 13, 2012 at 3:16 pm

When Santorum become Our President, I will write to my representative and my senators insisting that they introduce a bill mandating sweater-vests as the American Costume, to be worn from after Labor Day until Easter, every day.

BTW, the Christian Science Monitor says Santorum might beat Romney–in Michigan!

starfanglednut February 13, 2012 at 3:20 pm

When frothy becomes president, women will be using sweater vests for birth control.

Lucidamente1 February 13, 2012 at 3:17 pm

What is the right hole to ejaculate into?

BornInATrailer February 13, 2012 at 3:23 pm

All of them, Katie.

DaRooster February 13, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Damn Rooster… F5 to refresh!!

DaRooster February 13, 2012 at 3:26 pm

All of 'em, Katie!!!

Jukesgrrl February 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm

People, people, only Demoncrats believe that. No babbies come from some of them wholes.

starfanglednut February 13, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I'm sorry, but WTF is that picture?

ShaveTheWhales February 13, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I believe it's a detail from "The Garden of Earthly Delights", by Bosch. At least it looks like it should be.

Dashboard Buddha February 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm

You are right. The detail comes from the "hell" panel of the triptych. And, I think we can all agree that getting snogged by k-lo would be pretty hellish.

smitallica February 13, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Gotta be one of the "scary" Renaissance paintings of Hell designed to make believers get all wiggy. I'm guessing that's a close-up of a Heironymous Bosch.

Jukesgrrl February 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

THAT, you nut, is the most high class artwork we've ever had on The Wonket. A High Kulture Award to the mysterious Jr. who put it there.

b[redact]opple February 13, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Whatever it is, it's making my pants tight.

Loaded_Pants February 13, 2012 at 9:43 pm

I know, right? Gotta be the habit.

Fare la Volpe February 13, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Remember when militant Catholic zealots used to ritualistically flog themselves to death?

Whatever happened to that?

GOPCrusher February 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm

The 15th Century began.

BigDumbRedDog February 13, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I don't know about you guys, but I am looking forward to santorum jokes from now until November. Buttsechs is never not funny!

Dashboard Buddha February 13, 2012 at 3:25 pm

What option would keep the three of them clawing at each other until the convention? That's the one I want.

weej_bain February 13, 2012 at 3:27 pm

losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness

That's awareness sorta like Marie Antoinette's "oh wow" moment while she was riding in the tumbrel.

ph7 February 13, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Rick humbly tells me what's best for me.

Jukesgrrl February 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Why does Rick hate fun?

Wilcoxyz February 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm

"American experiment"???

American exceptionalism fail!

When will she stop apologizing for America?

Jeez, why not write your romance-porn fantasies in French, K-Leaux?

Oblios_Cap February 13, 2012 at 3:42 pm

That certainly is a flattering picture of K-lo that you've posted.

HarryButtle February 13, 2012 at 3:50 pm

And he has rightly identified the declining stability of middle-class families as a threat to the American experiment, even if his proposed solutions are poorly designed.

Because poorly designed solutions proposed by white Christians are far superior to those well thought-out and well constructed programs devised by a blah.

outragedcitizen February 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

dismissing Santorum as “social-issues candidate.”? He IS a social issues candidate. He is all about legislating morality with not one fucking clue as to how to handle the real issues facing this country.

GOPCrusher February 13, 2012 at 4:34 pm

You mean banning contraceptives, abortion, homosexuality, pornography, and forcing women back into the homes to care for their husbands and children as mandated by the Old Testament, won't solve all of our problems?

WhatTheHeck February 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

The first one to start a war gets sainthood, which should give a clear advantage over the unsaintly one.

Ducksworthy February 13, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Funndy how Bosch was able to so accurately predict what the world would look like under Rethuglikan rule.

Numbat_Dundee February 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Get in line in that processional
Walk into that small confessional
There's a guy who's got religion 'll
Tell you if your sin's original
Like say, I…um….
Touched the bum
Of Santorum
If it is start playing it safer
Drink the wine and chew the wafer
2,4,6,8
Try to transubstantiate
(With apologies to Tom Lehrer)

Callyson February 13, 2012 at 4:16 pm

His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness.
Whereas, his recent remark about being the Jesus candidate suggests a frightening presence of mental health issues…

pinkocommi February 13, 2012 at 5:14 pm

"Santorum has been . . . avoiding characteristic temptations."

By that she means cock.

Maman February 13, 2012 at 5:34 pm

She was saying a special self-flagellating novena to the Spanish Inquisition.

chascates February 13, 2012 at 7:19 pm

How's the old saying go? "As useless as teats on a nun or a vagina for Kathryn Jean Lopez".

C_R_Eature February 13, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Gah! No more CPAC photos, Ken!

Oh, wait. Never mind.

elburritodeluxe February 13, 2012 at 9:01 pm

God only knows what she believes are the proper policies to slow "the declining stability of middle-class families." I suspect it's eliminating the regulations that protect us from powerfiul interests, eliminating the social safety net that helps us keep home and family together in tough times and doing away with health care law which prevents insurance companies from capping coverage or refusing to cover our kids for catastrophic illness.

ttommyunger February 13, 2012 at 10:52 pm

K-Lo! Tits or GTFO! No, wait, I'm just kidding, Gaaahhhh!

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 2:19 am

And he has rightly identified the declining stability of middle-class families as a threat to the American experiment, even if his proposed solutions are poorly designed.

Besides that, Mrs. Lincoln…

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