inquisition slash fiction

K-Lo’s Wingnut Blog, ‘National Review Online,’ Tells Newt Gingrich To Quit

Kisses for Santorum.Wingnut Catholic slash-fiction blog National Review Online insisted, at 4 a.m. today (!), that fake Catholic convert Newt Gingrich quit losing the GOP primary and instead let authentic Catholic wingnut Rick Santorum continue losing against Mormon liberal Mitt Romney. This is apparently news, even though Kathryn Jean Lopez has always loved Rick Santorum nearly as much as she loves Joseph Ratzinger in his lovely Prada slippers and bejeweled hat and silken dress. Will Newt respect the decision of K-Lo and immediately drop out of the race, to allow Rick Santorum a longer public moment to discuss sperm and gynecology and the right holes to ejaculate into, etc.? There is, after all, a sense that America needs this, for the next 10 or 11 months straight.

Here, from K-Lo’s LiveJournal update in the middle of her lonely night, because Sunday night is always the loneliest, after all the masses are over and she has to go home again, home to that lonely apartment with the Trent Reznor noises coming from the walls and the weird dripping from the refrigerator with the blinding white light ringing the doorway … the doorway, but to what? To where?

Santorum has been conducting himself rather impressively in his moments of triumph and avoiding characteristic temptations. He is doing his best to keep the press from dismissing him as merely a “social-issues candidate.” His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness. And he has rightly identified the declining stability of middle-class families as a threat to the American experiment, even if his proposed solutions are poorly designed. But sensible policies, important as they are, are not the immediate challenge for his candidacy. Proving he can run a national campaign is.

Romney remains the undramatic figure at the center of the primaries’ drama.

Is it not dramatic that the Ghost of Jesus wandered America a thousand years before the first Vikings arrived? Is it not dramatic that the early people of America — not the actual Native Americans, but the Weird Fake Biblical Tribes — met the Ghost of Jesus and hung out with Him, for fun? Is it not dramatic that such a people could, eventually, end up running major American car companies back when they were huge profit machines and not sadsack welfare cases propped up by Ben Bernanke or whatever?

WE HEREBY DEMAND a Wizard Duel between K-Lo and the Newt. Best (non-pedophile) Catholic spell wins. [National Review Online/New York Times]

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Comments

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  • BaldarTFlagass

    Sounds like K-Lo has a moist-on.

    • Not_So_Much

      Man, I hate it when I post something almost identical to someone else who says it better seconds before mine loads. mea culpa!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Shit happens all the time. Luck of the draw, amigo!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Santorum has been… avoiding characteristic temptations."

    Like, uh, man-on-dog?

  • Not_So_Much

    Somebody has a ladypart hard-on for sweater vests.

    • Steverino247

      My wife does, but only when I'm in them.

  • Tengu

    Saint Orum?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    K-Lo just gave Newticle her "I Don't Choo Choo Chooze Newt" Anti-Valentines Day Card.

  • DaRooster

    That's a bad habit… sexy time with a nun pig.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, they warned us this would happen if DADT was repealed.

  • AlterNewt

    ".. an appealing self-awareness."

    Yes. Of course.

  • Baconzgood

    Is K-Low J-Low and K-Fed's bastard child? Inquiring minds want to know.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Wake me up when the albino monks arrive.

  • slithytoves

    because Sunday night is always the loneliest, after all the masses are over and she has to go home again

    Masses are like Happy Hours – there is always one going on somewhere in the world.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Billions and billions of altarboys serviced.

  • mavenmaven

    "His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness"
    One thing you can say about the current NR, is that they know losers.

  • Baconzgood

    If a characteristic temptation is being a douch bag then he hasn't avoided that at all. In fact, Baconz thinks he's punched it up a notch or two in the last month.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "an appealing self-awareness."

    Wrong.

    • orygoon

      Succinct.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I've always thought that Santorum has a dumbfuck look on his face like he could barely remember his own name or names of his kids:
      "Well, there's the big girl, the smaller girl who dresses in the same outfits as her dolls, the boy with the crazy eyes….Who's the blonde one? Oh, that's my wife! Sorry. Oops."

  • DaRooster

    Santorum? Humility? HA!! That's rich…

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    I've always wanted a President with poorly designed solutions to everything.

    • Baconzgood

      Dare to be sub-average smokey.

    • Beowoof

      We tried that in 2000, didn't work out great.

    • Negropolis

      I see you've contracted the dreaded Dubya Amnesia.

  • Hera Sent Me

    That's not writing, it's just word processing.

    • StarsUponThars

      I miss that bitch.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      No, it's dream processing.

  • bumfug

    You don't have to be a Juggalo to love the insane clown posse that is the republican presidential field.

  • BlackRhino

    Is it karma when God smiles on Rick Santorum and Barack Obama at the same time?

  • GhostBuggy

    "WE HEREBY DEMAND a Wizard Duel between K-Lo and the Newt."

    Will the loser be buried in seven coffins or whatever?

  • prommie

    With all those fancy wax seals on that document, is that an Indulgence?

  • edgydrifter

    K-Lo, you aren't very tempting to anyone. I'll bet it's pretty easy for Santorum to resist the urge to copulate with your folds in victory or defeat.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "To find wet spot, roll around in flour."

  • BarackMyWorld

    Am I wrong in thinking Newt effectively dropped out the second he started talking about his MOONBASE?

    • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

      Five minutes later, actually. When he said it, he thought he was going to pull off some sort of JFK awesomeness that everyone would eat up. Five minutes later he realized that all it did was make him sound nuttier than when Dennis Kucinich talked about personal experiences with UFOs back in a 2007 Democratic primary debate.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    K-Lo should have just got married to her high school sweetheart after they graduated and got a job at the Dollar Store and popped out a passel of kids. Then this country would be just fine, thankyouveddymuch.

  • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

    "WE HEREBY DEMAND a Wizard Duel between K-Lo and the Newt. Best (non-pedophile) Catholic spell wins."

    I really don't see what poor Jon Huntsman's old band has to do with this.

  • anniegetyerfun

    His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness.

    If only absolutely everything else about him didn't counter that suggestion.

  • Crank_Tango

    I am a little too hopped up on thai redbull and vietnamese coffee to read any of the post or comments so I will just go with my gut and say this is good news for McCain.

    Also, I am the great cornholio and I need TP for my bunghole.

    • paris biltong

      Thanks for the unsavory details. Hope everything came out all right.

    • Steverino247

      Are you threatening me?

  • MinAgain

    That woman is a traitor to her gender.

    • StarsUponThars

      Here's the runner-up in our Cunt of the Day contest:
      http://mediamatters.org/blog/201202120002

      • BornInATrailer

        "..to support women in the military who are now being raped too much."

        Haha, I had to watch to hear/see her say that. And with nice tone of voice you'd typically associate with some eye-rolling. Awesome.

        Before '06 they were being raped just the right amount. Nice job screwing that up, military ladies.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Which gender is that, again?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Newt's holding out for K-Lo to sweeten her offer. His little dick isn't going to ride itself.

  • paris biltong

    So they know which way the wind blows at the NRO? How come they waited this long to declare? As Churchill would have it, keeping an ear to the ground does not put you in a very flattering position.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Newt will quit when the money runs out.

    Just like cockroaches when there is nothing to eat.
    Just like rats on sinking ship.
    Just like Newt when his wife won’t do a threesome or gets sick.

  • fuflans

    now that i think about it, 'the garden of earthly delights' is a perfect metaphor for the republican primary.

    • Beowoof

      Wouldn't that be the bathroom stall of delight?

  • SayItWithWookies

    His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness.

    Apparently K-Lo likes them small.

  • Radiotherapy

    When I lost a basketball game in junior high, you know what I learned?? Wait for it……humility.

    • ph7

      I trust you turned that defeat into a lucrative lobbying gig for the pharmaceutical industry.

      • DaRooster

        And also, too… hating the gays… you know self-awareness.

        • Radiotherapy

          The worst part is when the team google bombed me — it meant something different, but strangely similar, back then.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      You should have learned that you need a better relationship with Jesus … the guy who fixes all sporting events.

  • Beowoof

    Rick Santourm is a well known dumb ass. When folks refer to him as Senator Gump or quite possibly the dumbest person they have ever met, it becomes clear that opinion of the Senator is not good with many in the establishment.

  • el_donaldo

    Is K-Lo's apartment in Ghostbusters or a David Lynch film? I'd prefer the latter, if possible.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Her whole life is a David Lynch film. Puce Velvet.

  • smitallica

    Yes, a guy who lost his Senate seat by 18 points now thinks he can lead the free world.

    Such humility.

    • GOPCrusher

      I would think an important part of self awareness would include the realization that the voters just aren't that in to you.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I personally would love for Santorum to learn true humiliation. Preferably involving santorum at next GOP debate.

  • Indiepalin

    There is no quality more important to a potential president than learning the "importance of humidity"

    • Blueb4sunrise

      low humidity—>more lube

      • Radiotherapy

        And "high pressure" helps too.

  • PhilippePetain

    I'm going to be sorely disappointed when they don't actually nominate Santorum. Seriously, if the republican electorate bought into him and started regularly espousing everything he believes wholesale, in a generation they would be garnering 20% in most elections regularly.

    • GOPCrusher

      I don't think so. Current Republiklan trends indicate that after a shellacking in the 2012 election, David Duke will be the 2016 nominee.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    What do you get when you cross K Lo with the Doughy Pantload?

    That's right…err WRONG!

    (From here.)
    ~

  • orygoon

    When Santorum become Our President, I will write to my representative and my senators insisting that they introduce a bill mandating sweater-vests as the American Costume, to be worn from after Labor Day until Easter, every day.

    BTW, the Christian Science Monitor says Santorum might beat Romney–in Michigan!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      When frothy becomes president, women will be using sweater vests for birth control.

  • Lucidamente1

    What is the right hole to ejaculate into?

    • BornInATrailer

      All of them, Katie.

      • DaRooster

        Damn Rooster… F5 to refresh!!

    • DaRooster

      All of 'em, Katie!!!

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        People, people, only Demoncrats believe that. No babbies come from some of them wholes.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    I'm sorry, but WTF is that picture?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I believe it's a detail from "The Garden of Earthly Delights", by Bosch. At least it looks like it should be.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        You are right. The detail comes from the "hell" panel of the triptych. And, I think we can all agree that getting snogged by k-lo would be pretty hellish.

    • smitallica

      Gotta be one of the "scary" Renaissance paintings of Hell designed to make believers get all wiggy. I'm guessing that's a close-up of a Heironymous Bosch.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      THAT, you nut, is the most high class artwork we've ever had on The Wonket. A High Kulture Award to the mysterious Jr. who put it there.

    • b[redact]opple

      Whatever it is, it's making my pants tight.

      • Loaded_Pants

        I know, right? Gotta be the habit.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Remember when militant Catholic zealots used to ritualistically flog themselves to death?

    Whatever happened to that?

    • GOPCrusher

      The 15th Century began.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I don't know about you guys, but I am looking forward to santorum jokes from now until November. Buttsechs is never not funny!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    What option would keep the three of them clawing at each other until the convention? That's the one I want.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness

    That's awareness sorta like Marie Antoinette's "oh wow" moment while she was riding in the tumbrel.

  • ph7

    Rick humbly tells me what's best for me.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Why does Rick hate fun?

  • Wilcoxyz

    "American experiment"???

    American exceptionalism fail!

    When will she stop apologizing for America?

    Jeez, why not write your romance-porn fantasies in French, K-Leaux?

  • Oblios_Cap

    That certainly is a flattering picture of K-lo that you've posted.

  • HarryButtle

    And he has rightly identified the declining stability of middle-class families as a threat to the American experiment, even if his proposed solutions are poorly designed.

    Because poorly designed solutions proposed by white Christians are far superior to those well thought-out and well constructed programs devised by a blah.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    dismissing Santorum as “social-issues candidate.”? He IS a social issues candidate. He is all about legislating morality with not one fucking clue as to how to handle the real issues facing this country.

    • GOPCrusher

      You mean banning contraceptives, abortion, homosexuality, pornography, and forcing women back into the homes to care for their husbands and children as mandated by the Old Testament, won't solve all of our problems?

  • WhatTheHeck

    The first one to start a war gets sainthood, which should give a clear advantage over the unsaintly one.

  • Ducksworthy

    Funndy how Bosch was able to so accurately predict what the world would look like under Rethuglikan rule.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    Get in line in that processional
    Walk into that small confessional
    There's a guy who's got religion 'll
    Tell you if your sin's original
    Like say, I…um….
    Touched the bum
    Of Santorum
    If it is start playing it safer
    Drink the wine and chew the wafer
    2,4,6,8
    Try to transubstantiate
    (With apologies to Tom Lehrer)

  • Callyson

    His recent remark that losing his Senate seat in 2006 taught him the importance of humility suggests an appealing self-awareness.
    Whereas, his recent remark about being the Jesus candidate suggests a frightening presence of mental health issues…

  • pinkocommi

    "Santorum has been . . . avoiding characteristic temptations."

    By that she means cock.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    She was saying a special self-flagellating novena to the Spanish Inquisition.

  • chascates

    How's the old saying go? "As useless as teats on a nun or a vagina for Kathryn Jean Lopez".

  • C_R_Eature

    Gah! No more CPAC photos, Ken!

    Oh, wait. Never mind.

  • elburritodeluxe

    God only knows what she believes are the proper policies to slow "the declining stability of middle-class families." I suspect it's eliminating the regulations that protect us from powerfiul interests, eliminating the social safety net that helps us keep home and family together in tough times and doing away with health care law which prevents insurance companies from capping coverage or refusing to cover our kids for catastrophic illness.

  • ttommyunger

    K-Lo! Tits or GTFO! No, wait, I'm just kidding, Gaaahhhh!

  • Negropolis

    And he has rightly identified the declining stability of middle-class families as a threat to the American experiment, even if his proposed solutions are poorly designed.

    Besides that, Mrs. Lincoln…