TEARJERKERS  4:01 pm February 13, 2012

Gingrich Makes Sad, Cheap Campaign Ad to Prove He Needs Money

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

It's like looking at a hungry orphan.

Vainglorious turd blossom Newt Gingrich is running out of wealthy dupes to write him checks allowing him to prolong his hilariously doomed book-tour candidacy, so he is out with a tragic new campaign ad, which as one can see from the screen grab mostly features Newt begging for treats like a dazed zoo seal performing his one trick “standing around seeming visionary” for Callista’s smartphone camera. Humiliating video after the jump!

We did not watch past the first fourteen seconds of this, so it’s possible he announces he is dropping out of the race at the end, or maybe it even has some images of him swapping spit with his new mistress, Rick Perry. Let us know if that is the case.

Will a cheap, poorly edited ad help Newt Gingrich win the race? “Mr. Gingrich has put little effort into building a network of fund-raisers, focusing instead on the debates,” rules the New York Times. So NO, the end. [YouTube/New York Times]

 

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{ 146 comments }

nounverb911 February 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Man up Newt, just sell some of Callista's whore diamonds.

Lascauxcaveman February 13, 2012 at 4:08 pm

He wants to be preznit, but badly enough to risk Callista's ire? Hmmmm…

BaldarTFlagass February 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Once he's president, he can order the CDC to surreptitiously give her some terminal disease and then cash out and marry some 25-year-old president-groupie.

BornInATrailer February 13, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Sadly, she secretly already sold her whore diamonds to fund his presidential ambitions.

And he secretly(?) sold off his integrity to acquire a Tiffany's charge account for those diamonds.

Gift of the Magi, turd blossom edition.

HistoriCat February 13, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I call bullshit – he lost any integrity he had long before he ever met Callista.

Terry February 13, 2012 at 7:11 pm

He didn't have any integrity at birth.

BarackMyWorld February 13, 2012 at 4:21 pm

This sums up their relationship nicely.

(No offense intended toward Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed, Frank Capra, the fictional city of Bedford Falls, the actual moon, or Neil Armstrong.)

tihond February 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Oh I've seen this before… He decides to take his talents to South Beach (were the grifting is good this time of year… or so I hear)

Chillwillard February 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Just look at his face around 0:32, when he's surrounded by brownz. He looks more scared than a pair of jumper cables at a Mexican funeral.

Thurman Munster IV February 13, 2012 at 5:23 pm

WTF?

BornInATrailer February 13, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I too need the jumper cables thing explained.

Chillwillard February 13, 2012 at 5:39 pm

It's a stupid joke I heard from one of those annoying "Mexican" comedians (Goerge Lopez, I think). It basically implies that Mexicans drive POS cars that die all the time, so imagine what it would be like to be the only set of jumper cables when 80 cars need to be jump-started.

Learned my lesson and I'm never using that joke again…

Thurman Munster IV February 13, 2012 at 5:43 pm

You're forgiven, as long as you watched George Lopez Ironically

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 1:17 am

I got it, but then again, I'm a blah, which is basically a honorary Mexican, these days.

DerrickWildcat February 13, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Nobody cares about all this stuff since Whitney Houston died.

Spurning Beer February 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I know. It's such a February 10th mentality.

BaldarTFlagass February 13, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Actually, nobody's cared about this stuff since Jacques Cousteau died.

flamingpdog February 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Nobdody cares about all this stuff since Sam Houston died.

SudsMcKenzie February 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I don't like the way he's leering at Lady Liberty.

Fare la Volpe February 13, 2012 at 4:17 pm

No worries – she's too old for him.

OkieDokieDog February 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm

ot, Suds, but every time I see you, I always want to ask if you have a bull terrorist? I am a bt aficionado. Proud owner of my 3rd bully. All mine have been older dogs (6,5 & 11) that needed to be re-homed. Alas, the other 2 are now in doggy heaven, but still in my heart.

SudsMcKenzie February 13, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Nope, I live by the Ann Richards philosophy of not having anything at home I cant walk away from for weeks. However, I do take care of a beagle and a giant AK dog thing for family members.

OkieDokieDog February 13, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Ha! I can understand that. Dogs are pretty much like kids, you can't leave some of them unattended for 5 minutes or they're causing some kind of trouble.

I live by the Mordecai Siegal rule: Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.

And since I have a family of Baptist GOPers, I like my dogs way better.

Loaded_Pants February 13, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Yes, dogs have less drool & it's easier to pick up their poo.

flamingpdog February 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

He's just drawn to the color green.

Schmannnity February 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm

That's some editing: you get on the ferry to the Statue of Liberty and land at the Washington Monument.

Tundra Grifter February 13, 2012 at 4:15 pm

It's like the car chase in Steve McQueen's "Bullitt." Go up the hill on one side of San Francisco, come down across town in another.

flamingpdog February 13, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Just showing his support for the new bullet ferry.

Lascauxcaveman February 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Public transportation, FTW.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 13, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I think I saw Air Force One in there somewhere … he must have snuck a ride (in the back, natch.)

MrFizzy February 13, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I'll write him a check right now, if he agrees to self-immolate.

nounverb911 February 13, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Newt's got enough blubber in him to solve the energy crisis forever.

MrFizzy February 14, 2012 at 10:09 am

can you imagine if he caught fire – it would be like one of those tire dumps that burns for years, putting off stinking black smoke

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 1:25 am

Hey, if Sheldon Adelson couldn't get him to do it (physically) for millions of dollars, I'm not sure how much of a chance you have, but knock yourself out.

Callyson February 13, 2012 at 4:08 pm

The shot by the river…at first I thought Gingrinch was making a reference to drowning, but no one with his carriage would ever drown.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 13, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Like most baggers and GOPtards, he's a floater.

MittBorg February 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Where "carriage"="avoirdupois"?

KeepFnThatChicken February 13, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Already seeing this trend to encourage Newtie to hock some rock, I really hate to say this, but he won't get much on his used bling.

That said, I would love to know that his campaign was kept alive by a generous contribution from Little Caesar Gold & Pawn.

Baconzgood February 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm

WORST RE-MAKE OF NALIN' PALIN EVAR!

Spurning Beer February 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm

He could give his campaign a refund for that mailing list. He could do some consulting work as a clinical-forensic-economic historian. Or he could write another book.

When life hands you lemons, write a book about lemons, Newt.

ManchuCandidate February 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Shorter Newticle: "i'll gladly blow you tuesday for a handout today"

nounverb911 February 13, 2012 at 4:16 pm

That's what Callista said.

OkieDokieDog February 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm

He's probably visionizing Alcatraz as a new for profit prison, built by child labor.

Fukui_sanYesOta February 13, 2012 at 4:10 pm

we will decisively repudiate an 80-year drift to the left: a drift in our news rooms, a drift in our collleges and universities, a drift with our judges, and a drift among elected politicians.

Pop quiz! Which traumatic event happened eighty years ago? An event only recently matched by policies put in place since St Reagan with help from GWB?

That's right! It was the last time Chris Christie missed a meal.

flamingpdog February 13, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Except in Chris Chrisie's case, it would be an "ate-he" year drift in every direction.

Mahousu February 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Wait, turning back the clock 80 years might get rid of FDR, Social Security, the Federal Reserve, the repeal of Prohibition, and so on, but what about Woodrow Wilson? I thought he was supposed to be the true evil mastermind.

GunToting[Redacted] February 13, 2012 at 4:56 pm

The fat fuck sure is adrift, all right.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 13, 2012 at 7:56 pm

You'd think that after EIGHTY FUCKING YEARS, people would get used to the new status quo, and just take it from here. Does this cretin actually think his great-grandparents had it better?

Fukui_sanYesOta February 13, 2012 at 8:30 pm

What, you mean rampant corporate corruption, an industrialist class and an unprotected class of indentured povertons? Leading to a depression?

Yes, he does.

Of course, there can be no progression in the last eighty years, because the human condition and human thought is inherently designed to be static and unchanging. That's why I'm sending this post as a telegram.

MittBorg February 14, 2012 at 12:01 am

Srsly, dood. Does that fucker look like he has *ever* missed a meal?

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 1:27 am

He longs for the days of Herbert Hoover.

General_Sherman February 13, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Judging my the beginning of the video, looks like Newt is a fan of the NSMB meme.

HelmutNewton February 13, 2012 at 4:10 pm

No wonder he's losing! He sounds like he's bored out of his mind giving that stupid speech.

"Blah, blah, blah. Libruls. Blah, blah, blah. Class warfare. Blah, blah, blah. Radical judges."

At least Paul and Santorum sound occasionally emotional when giving their speeches, though for different reasons (Paul because he's nuts, and Santorum because the thought of making the rest of us as miserable as he is thrills him to no end).

HistoriCat February 13, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Newt can take your hate and your scorn but he is powerless in the face of indifference. It is his kryptonite.

Loaded_Pants February 13, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Maybe that explains that moon base line (or, now I think about it, all of his other lines): "Let me say some crazy shit to see I can get these fuckers to notice me"?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 13, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Santorum must be weeping, after today's queer developments in NJ and WA. And Obama's going to COMMIE CHINA, to talk to the COMMIE NORTH KOREANS. There's going to be much wailing and gnashing of teeth in Wingnuttistan tonight.

meatlofer February 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Newt' I'll give you a couple of bucks,at least wash my windshield !

Goonemeritus February 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm

In an infinite universe with infinite possibilities there is still no chance for this guy to be anything other than a free agent bomb thrower. At this point he is only taking up space and holding my frothy homeboy down

Biel_ze_Bubba February 13, 2012 at 8:03 pm

The GOP's owners aren't about to let anybody but Rmoney get the nom, so what are the chances that Newt or Ricky will get the VP slot, as a sop to the conservatard base? You know Mitt's got to pick someone out on the fringe.

BaldarTFlagass February 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I'm not even gonna watch the first 14 seconds.

Data Exactly February 13, 2012 at 6:47 pm

That's okay. The only part of this video that really matters is the call to 'gimme gimme gimme yous moniez!!!1!!' at the end.

DaRooster February 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm

“Mr. Gingrich has put little effort into building a network of fund-raisers, focusing instead on the debates…”
"… and with the little money he does have he wants to focus on being a filthy, scum slinging pig."

Data Exactly February 13, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Half of that money goes to scientists and engineers specialized in trajectory of said scum slinging.

Rosie_Scenario February 13, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Poor Newt, his profile is even worse than full face, and that's a mighty full face. If we send him money, will he promise to go away?

Baconzgood February 13, 2012 at 4:13 pm

This makes me want to puke. EVERYTHING HE SAID!

Mumbletypeg February 13, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Ugh. I'm all for restoring the moral fabric of our society, Newt, if you'd only stop molesting it.

philpjfry February 13, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Newt is an arrogant bulling cocksucker and soon to be on the street where he and the robot he is "Married" to, belong. Karma is a bitch newt.

sewollef February 14, 2012 at 9:06 am

I prefer the slogan, "Karma is a newt, bitch!"

As in: Vote SEWOLLEF 2012 — Karma is a newt, bitch!

I don't know why.

Baconzgood February 13, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Hey Newt, since you're on the Staten Island ferry, can you show me your imitation of Spalding Gray?

Fukui_sanYesOta February 13, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Robert Maxwell might be better – similar bulk.

nounverb911 February 13, 2012 at 4:18 pm

“I knew I couldn’t live in America and I wasn’t ready to move to Europe, so I moved to an island off the coast of America — New York City.”
–Spalding Gray

Crank_Tango February 13, 2012 at 5:29 pm

too soon!

annettaj February 13, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Whoa! Newt jacked Air force One for that beg fest.
And I think he was wearing spanx.

CapnFatback February 13, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Kirsten, you should have kept watching! At the video's end he announces that he's dumping Callista for the "swarthy vixen" whose ass he's grabbing @ :31.

Slim_Pickins February 13, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Did he also renounce Catholicism?

MittBorg February 13, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Go vote it down, peeps. He found 112 maroons to upfist it.

Come here a minute February 13, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Newt would have had a chance at the nomination if only the Republican party had scheduled more debates!

starfanglednut February 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm

*dies

MittBorg February 13, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Aw, poor baby! (Hugs the li'l nut)

It'll be OK. We'll stick together.

Schmannnity February 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm

We'll always have Charleston.

orygoon February 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Once a day Wonkette should be required to drop a cute puppy video among all this stuff.

Schmannnity February 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm
orygoon February 13, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Awesome! (The Spare looks over at this. "I see you're using the internet wisely". Me: "I think a cute puppy video should be required viewing, every day." The Spare: "I still don't think you're going to counterbalance the porn.")

Data Exactly February 13, 2012 at 6:56 pm

That video is over 5 years old to the day. Suffice it to say, they're no longer puppies at all.

mavenmaven February 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm

lie, lie, lie, lie, lie and lie. Perfect GOP ad.

starfanglednut February 13, 2012 at 5:27 pm

No, it's lie, lie, lie, lunch, lie, lie.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 13, 2012 at 8:06 pm

With all those perfect lies, he should be able to improve his handicap conisderably.

MinAgain February 13, 2012 at 4:21 pm

What's next? A bake sale?

Radiotherapy February 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm

It's the new, new Newt.

DaRooster February 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm

That must be an old picture… I see a chin.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 13, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Only one?

MittBorg February 13, 2012 at 11:10 pm

That's WHY it must be an old picture. Fucker now has more chins than the HK phone book.

Mahousu February 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm

For a second there, I thought the screen grab was from his cruise last year. Poor Newt, that was probably the last time he was truly happy. If only he hadn't embarked on this humiliating, self-destructive course, he could be cruising still. On, say, the Costa Concordia.

YouBetcha February 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm

That's what you get for marrying a low paid staffer, Newtie. Shoulda learned from McCain and nabbed an heiress.

Chet Kincaid February 13, 2012 at 4:54 pm

He should have gone to that "Sugar Momma" website John Kerry joined.

anniegetyerfun February 13, 2012 at 4:28 pm

GOD THAT VOICE. Why won't someone take care of those goiters for him?

SayItWithWookies February 13, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Look, it's another lazy, overpaid elitist mired in the consequences of his own fuckups and looking for a handout from hardworking Americans. If Newt Gingrich were here, he'd give that sorry bastard who apparently never grew up with a work ethic a mop and tell him to start learning a valuable lesson.

Maman February 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm

What would Newt know of moral fabric?

JustPixelz February 13, 2012 at 4:32 pm

"… the most important election since 1860…"

He says that about all the elections.

As an intriguing historical parallel, in 1860 Lincoln was running as a Republican. (Yeah, they don't make 'em like they used to.) The Democrats disparaged him as an inexperienced rube full of radical ideas, like not extending slavery beyond the South. Meanwhile the Democrats couldn't decide whether to go all-in on slavery (the "original intent of the Constitution" wing) or the comparatively moderate wing that wanted to win the election. So they split and ran two candidates. There was also a candidate for the die-hard Whigs.

Of course, Lincoln won. The South seceded. War broke out. The South lost and put their loser flag on bumper stickers.

Also, there are still some die-hard Whigs.

sewollef February 14, 2012 at 9:16 am

You missed the part where the south replaced slavery with indentured servitude, where local police "arrested" blacks for the loudness of their shirts and as incarcerated prisoners, sold their labor to willing plantations.

Win, win. The north turned a blind eye and pretended they ended slavery and the south pretended they never lost.

Eve8Apples February 13, 2012 at 4:33 pm

For a guy who likes to talk about free markets and the beauty of Capitalism, he sure has a tough time finding a profitable line of work. If it weren't for his sugar daddies, he would have been at the soup kitchen feasting on hobo beans along time ago.

Wilcoxyz February 13, 2012 at 4:35 pm

It's a sad day in Merikuh when an adultering fourth-tier historian can't find a casino mogul to fund endless attacks on a successful Mormon for being in the wrong party after giving people access to health care.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 13, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I know, right? That used to happen all the time, and now… nada.

owhatever February 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

If he cannot run his own campaign, how can he govern the moon?

Data Exactly February 13, 2012 at 7:05 pm

The 51st State of the Moon is only fully visible maybe a week out of every month. When the state's not visible, we'll let them worry about themselves. That'll be the ticket!

Local_Mojo February 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm

(Tug, Tug) Ma. Ma! Is that the Statue of Liberty?

Nostrildamus February 13, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Mittens' PAC needs to drop Newt a $10M spot to keep him in the race.

Dudleydidwrong February 13, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Tough being a professor when not even Liberty or Bob Jones universities want you. See if Kaplan has any opening for an unemployed edu-whore.

Generation[redacted] February 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I'd try Glenn Beck U.

fitley February 13, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Newt's going to be set adrift by Calista if he doesn't come up with some new diamonds pronto. This begging shit ain't cutting it with "The Helmet".

emmelemm February 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I think the word "vainglorious" needs to be used more often.

L188188 February 13, 2012 at 5:10 pm

And "popinjay" too.

fuflans February 13, 2012 at 4:48 pm

who let newt into new york?

Chet Kincaid February 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm

He better watch out, they'll shove a nightstick up his ass for panhandling!

starfanglednut February 13, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Or get bumped into by a gay!

Rotundo_ February 13, 2012 at 5:50 pm

That would be the executive class abuse option, you get a plumber's helper if your just one of the ordinary folk.

MittBorg February 13, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Not BLAH enough.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 13, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Near as I can tell, they didn't let him land. (Liberty Island is a national park, and Staten Island is basically Pennsyltucky North.)

sewollef February 14, 2012 at 9:20 am

Pennsyltucky North, run by the five families — after they left Brooklyn to fend for itself.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 1:37 am

Well, Bloomberg is a Demindependican, after all.

ingloriousbytch February 13, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Maybe Barack can kick him some food stamps.

MittBorg February 13, 2012 at 11:16 pm

I wish Barack would kick him in the nuts.

L188188 February 13, 2012 at 5:10 pm

The Statue of Liberty is thinking "I hope that dipshit doesn't come over by me and tip over my island."

DemonicRage February 13, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I love the snear at European Socialism. If Hopey wins again, could New York please be renamed New Monaco?

Chet Kincaid February 13, 2012 at 5:41 pm

It's already New "York", formerly "New Amsterdam." That's why Real Americans hate it.

MosesInvests February 13, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Why they changed it, I can't say. Maybe they liked it better that way.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 1:40 am

Monaco? You mean that vulgar, little tax enclave ran by a prince? No thanks.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 14, 2012 at 4:37 pm

The way real estate is going, "New Monaco" might be pretty damned appropriate, at least for Manhattan.

JackObin February 13, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I don't know if he needs money, but the boy definitely needs to lose weight and gain manhood. He is everything wrong with the American male in microcosm.

BornInATrailer February 13, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I'm not concerned about the very poor campaigns.

Slim_Pickins February 13, 2012 at 5:58 pm

You can always go back to being an historian, the pay is much better.

Bonghits4Jesus February 13, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Help! Need scarf to hide my ballchins http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nms-cFHynyo

MittBorg February 13, 2012 at 11:17 pm

ZOMG! That is so fucking awful, dood.

valthemus February 13, 2012 at 7:02 pm

How could Newt be running out of money? I just look at him and I want to throw money… like he was a doughy, pasty Chippendales dancer with anger management issues, no physical grace and a bunch of porno mags stuffed down his pants.

Biff February 13, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Chris Farley nailed it!

MittBorg February 13, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Linky no worky, Biffy.

Biff February 13, 2012 at 11:31 pm
MittBorg February 13, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Thanks. I will never get that pale, pasty enormous, flabby belly out of my eyeball-backs. I owe you one, now.

elburritodeluxe February 13, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Is that a bunch of Muslims eyeing our Lady Liberty?? Don't let them cross the harbor and open an Islamic Center at Ground Zero, Newt!

ttommyunger February 13, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Wow! That is one unattractive man.

Negropolis February 14, 2012 at 1:04 am

Yo, Newt. Imma let you finish, but Lebron did the best (read: the worst) "The Decision" ever.

Kirsten, you messed up this official title. It's "jewelry piglet"; don't you remember?

BarackMyWorld February 14, 2012 at 1:04 am

Newt seriously looks like Mark Foley in that picture.

jgalleg4 February 14, 2012 at 1:39 am

Really Newt? Did you basically just try to compare yourself to Abraham Lincoln with the whole Election of 1860 bit?

Lazy Media February 14, 2012 at 7:21 am

Hahaha! Newt is too poor to afford the Circle Line Ferry TO the statue of Liberty, so he had to take the free Staten Island ferry PAST it. Then he went to Staten Island and was eaten by cannibals, the end.

gurukalehuru February 14, 2012 at 10:43 am

I object to the use of the phrase turd blossom to describe Newton Gingrich. There is only one Turd Blossom. (after all, the name was bestowed by a president) Perhaps Poop Petal or Flower of Santorum might do.

mrblifil February 14, 2012 at 10:45 am

Hopefully Newt's fortunes will change and Obama will offer him the ambassadorship to the Moon.

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