robot cpacalypse

Look, It’s Mitt Romney In His True Robot Form

Here, via Operative/”Wonkette Guy” Garrett Quinn, is a photo of Mitt Romney after taking off all of his clothes and human skin. “TICKETS, TICKETS” he was demanding like a lunatic. No one knew what he was talking about. Mitt, get your clothes back on! “FISH HEADS, FISH HEADS, FEED MY SKULL FISH HEADS,” he then went on, before his handlers tackled him and dragged him back to the Lab for a fundraiser with other Ticket Robots.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    The Mitt-Wit 2016 model.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Barb!

      • Barb

        Lionel!

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          What do you say to a beer, Barb?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Barb!

      • Barb

        Suds!

    • orygoon

      HI! HI YOU!

      • Barb

        Ory, great to see you.

    • MosesInvests

      Barb!

      • Barb

        Moses! Let my panties go! Wait, let my people go!

    • Radiotherapy

      Barb, free free at last of those fireballs.

    • orygoon

      You be good now and don't chew your stitches out, like that golden retriever puppy I had did.

      • Barb

        I'll try not to chew them out, Lovie.

        • flamingpdog

          Let me do it instead!

        • Radiotherapy

          When is the fibroid b-b-q? I've got some fetus in the freezer waiting for just such an occasion.

          • Barb

            I hear that the biggest fibroid was the size of a grapefruit and was twisted. We are going to eat like Kings at our fibroid BBQ.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Oh and we'll need your old uterus to wave at republicans.

          • flamingpdog

            Sounds like fun, Barb, but about this fibroid thing, I think they prefer to be called Fibrican-Americans these days.

    • C_R_Eature

      Oh, okay… *tap, tap* "Is this thing on?"

      BARB!!

      • Barb

        I love you guys so much. I was so scared and I wanted to skip the surgery. I'm glad that it's over with.

        • C_R_Eature

          You did exactly the right thing, we're all glad you're recuperating safely and we are all here for you.

          Also, FIBROID-A QUE!! Steve Rachlin would be awestruck.

          Welcome back.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          We're just glad you're ok.

    • fuflans

      i'm totally imaging you convalescing to wonkette and wishing all the best in speedy recoveries.

    • ThundercatHo

      So glad that you are back and feel well enough to type but please don't overdo. Take your pain meds and a laxative/stool softener if you need it, drink lots of fluids and rest, rest, rest.

      • Barb

        ThundercatHo! Thanks for the great advice. I made it up the stairs and I am going to stay up here for a while.

    • AlterNewt

      Glad you are okay. Would you like a Little Debbie?

      • Barb

        Alter! You know Little Debbies are my weakness. That and the brown liquors.

        • AlterNewt

          No dunking though, okay?

    • BearNoLike

      HAHA YOU BACK YAY

      • Barb

        Yep, my family started migrating toward Albuquerque, to try to get my stuff after I died. Wow, they are gonna be disappointed.

        • BearNoLike

          Disappoint them for as long as possible, that's my plan. Glad you're ok.

  • CapnFatback

    Each ticket good for one ride atop the Romney family sedan in your very own dog crate.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Shoulda bought that insurance from Sam Waterston.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    He somehow seems more human.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I refuse to believe that this is the Mitt-bot, as this robot appears to have a personality.

  • chascates

    Wow, even the robots at CPAC look hokey. These people stopped thinking during the early 1960s.

    • chicken_thief

      Updated with the latest in Fortran programming!

    • flamingpdog

      It wipes its ass with punch cards.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Finally, a case where someone should have sprung for the extended warranty.

  • nounverb911

    BTW, Mittens used a TELEPROMPTER at his speech.

    Hypocrite!

    • BarackMyWorld

      He'll probably claim he'll never use them when he's president.

      And since he'll never be president, that promise will work out pretty well.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        I though presidential teleprompters had been defunded. Because no one ever used one before Obama, you know.

  • littlebigdaddy

    But where do you stick your dick in it?

    • chicken_thief

      It's conservative, so in the ass, of course.

  • edgydrifter

    This is not the pleasure droid I've been looking for.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wait! Isn't that the cage the dog was riding in????

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

    Clearly, he's just looking for a yiff pile.

  • elburritodeluxe

    HELLO DID YOU SEE MY AD IN CASUAL ENCOUNTERS

    • IceCreamEmpress

      That conservabot's got a bit of a wide stance , y/y?

  • BlueStateLibel

    Oh so high-tech, like something the Japanese envisioned in 1952!

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    "TICKET MONSTER?" Mitt is the "Vote Monster," programmed to say/do anything to get votes.

  • mrpuma2u

    NOW GET ME THOSE SUPER-PAC WIRE TRANSFERS I REQUESTED
    -END OF LINE

  • elburritodeluxe

    If Obama is re-elected this will be your health care provider. Think about it, America!

    • flamingpdog

      I first read that as "the mental ones". But that would be the case if the Republicans get the Presidency.

  • MosesInvests

    EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

  • BlueStateLibel

    He's got all the dreamy good looks of a 1989 fax machine married with a 1993 word processor – swoooon.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    "Take me to your Palin".

  • orygoon

    It's 2012 and we have 1) fights over contraception and 2) a robot that's a "ticket monster".

    This is not the future I dreamed about when I was a ute.

    • Chichikovovich

      They said very clearly that we could expect flying cars. I feel cheated.

    • HistoriCat

      "when I was a ute"

      I knew Barb was going to try taking her uterus home. I never thought she would give it its own Intense Debate account!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Where's ED-209 when you need him?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      It was a "glitch."

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Unfortunately it was programmed with a special fourth directive to keep it from harming anyone who is a member of Bain Capital.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Did he strip down like a tennis star because he won something? That as a trend in this primary is truly horrifying.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Its that four-armed, Hindu, goddess, Mitt – the slum-dog millionaire.

  • Radiotherapy

    Wonkbot-TSA 1138 would kick he/she/its ass.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      LUCAS LIBEL!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Domo-arigato Mr Rom-boto

  • MissTaken

    I knew I feared Daleks for good reason.

    • savethispatient

      EL-EC-TOR-ATE! EL-EC-TOR-ATE! EL-EC-TOR-ATE!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Daleks have a murderous hatred of all other forms of life.

      Mitt-bot just has a murderous hatred of the poor and middle class.

    • fuflans

      i'm pretty sure republicans scare me more than villains who strongly resemble the trash cans at LAX.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Tell Mitt 9000 to open the pod bay doors. NO WAIT, DON'T OPEN THEM … MY GOD…IT"S FULL OF STARS..I mean shit…it's full of shit. Star shit. Whatever.

  • sezme

    Some would say that disrobing in public is impolite. However, in MItt's defence, magic underwear gets hella itchy.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Geeze — it's like Diebold isn't even pretending to count the actual votes anymore.

    • Rotundo_

      I think they're going by a new name now in the electronic voting division: Something like Electoral Solutions Inc. or something similar. I'm sure they have the same bag o' tricks and shennanigans available for the *right* candidate.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Ohio, I think you'll be most interested in our "ChadMangler3000."

  • BornInATrailer

    I don't understand.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Does not compute.

      • 40 or 50 % McShineys

        [ABORT] [RETRY] [CONTINUE]

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Daisy, Daisy give me your answer, do.

  • MinAgain

    Danger, American citizenry! Danger!

  • JackObin

    I'll bet that robot enjoys a belt now and again, a big improvement over that mormon ding-a-ling.

  • C_R_Eature

    It was spinning around the lobby saying "Plook me now, You savage rascal! Your place or mine? Your place or mine? Your place or mine?"

  • flamingpdog

    Kind of appropriate you get your tickets from a Bender, given how much bending over is going on at CPAC this weekend.

  • MissTaken

    Not sure which is making me more nauseous: the ticket monster MittBot or the carpet.

  • Ohforcripessake

    Hey! I think Rick just came up with a way to end war. Whenever the men-folk start fighting just drop a bunch of womens on 'em and they'll get all tender and forget about the mission!!1!

    • Rotundo_

      And thus was the "hooker bomb conceived…

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Or if our troops are anything like the attendees at CPAC, they might melt down faster over some studly man-flesh.

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

    Listen, it's saying –

    "Let me be your leader.""

  • littlebigdaddy

    I knew Bender. Bender was a friend of mine. And you, Ticket Monster, are no Bender.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    That's not really Mittens.

    It's just another cover over his Space Lizard People suit.

    DO NOT BE FOOLED!
    ~

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Does 'Tickets' = 'Cock' ?

  • IceCreamEmpress

    Darth Cheney's undisclosed location has now been disclosed.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Nah, that's just one of Darth Cheney's incompetent droids. I believe its name is "George".

  • Callyson

    This is not my beautiful wife!

  • GOPCrusher

    WORST. DALEK. COSTUME. EVAH!

  • Nostrildamus

    Bristol's new gig is a step up.

  • pinkocommi

    The difference between that robot and Mittens is that the robot is likeable.

    • BearNoLike

      Yeah any Zippo has more personality than Mittens. If he was a food, it would be paper-flavored Necco wafer.

      Ticket Monster, though, looks like s/he could party.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    It's like Superman's "disguise" — just glasses. How did no one see through it?

    Stiff square robot / stiff square mormon. Same idea.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      And the color of U.S. dollars. At least one Mormon's favorite.

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    "Fish, and plankton, and sea greens, and protein from the sea."

  • fuflans

    ok this is like the fourth time we've seen that carpet. vile.

    vile i tell you.

    who is in charge of these things in DC and why has barack obama let us down AGAIN???

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Funnier than their comedian…

  • schvitzatura

    It was just some overheated college kid in that Ticket Monster/Ticketmaster costume, protecting you your right to scalp your highly-coveted CPAC event tickets.

    Think Mike Damone for losers.
    http://www.conservativejobs.com/JobSeeker/jobdeta

  • schvitzatura

    Plex just faceplanted.

  • schvitzatura

    Any old iron? Any old iron? Any old iron? Any old iron? Expel your mecha. Purge yourselves of artificiality.

  • schvitzatura

    GONK! GONK!

  • ttommyunger

    Old fart in background overheard saying: "I can't help it, the thought of all those black asses sitting on the White House Porcelain is just driving me fucking nuts!"

  • elburritodeluxe

    Is this thing a protest? About Ticket Master or something? Don't they know that CPAC is only about protesting Islam, blacks and gays?

  • YouAre____

    There are three lights on in Mitt's robot skyscraper façade. Three is a magic number. Mormons are magic.

    Mitt is a sorcerer.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    All in all, I prefer the models that look like Pris and Zhora, but I understand this is CPAC we're talking about.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Hold onto your exploding heads, because this bit of absurdist theatre is put together by libertarians … who are upset at free-market ticket prices.
    You can't make this stuff up

  • elburritodeluxe

    I wouldn't fuck Ann Coulter with Ticket Monster's cock!

  • elburritodeluxe

    MY POLICIES ARE INFORMED BY MY TICKET MONSTER FAITH

  • musicmoney21

    Chris Holly plays Bob Marley for Mitt Romney–oh my http://youtu.be/Tyc_TkprO_M