Did your Wonkette visit this thing, at CPAC, called “Founder Roundtable: Where Did We Go Wrong?” featuring Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, “Tom” Paine, and Patrick Henry? UMM MAYBE. Look at them all there, behind their old-timey projector. When we left, the debate was still about whether the Constitution was one big old dumb mistake. “It was the human beings that destroyed it,” some Founder said. And that’s what he said to defend the Constitution! What a shitty country.
And here is the Citizens United Theatre Room, in which we watched some porno about Ronald Reagan, hosted by Newt and Callista Gingrich. We’re usually ashamed of our horrendous photography but this depiction of Cally as a indiscernible blinding white monster sort of… works.
Speaking of Newt, he is going to light his farts on fire onstage at 4:10 sharp, so turn on the teevee and keep an old sock nearby.
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I hope Fox News sent the Obama stand-in they used in their fake debates last year to rebut this discussion.
"Why is yon neggar not fetching the chamberpots?!"
And not in chainƒ? Why doeƒ he not wear hiƒ chainƒ????
Tom Paine would get medieval on these pasty face pricks.
An old sock doesn't hold vomit very well, fyi.
And I sure ain't gonna need it for fapping.
"The first question is for you, Thomas Paine: Who won the English football cup in 1949?"
Uhhh, the workers control the means of production. The rise of the lumpenprolitariat . . .
No. It was in fact, Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Leicester 3-1.
Oh, shit.
Guys, we really need to post this for those who didn't spend their Sunday nights in the '70s giggling at PBS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZ9myHhpS9s
"Sing, Rittle Birdie?"
Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1959. What was the name of the song?
"The means of productions should be controlled by the masses!" "Er, it is a Political Struggle!" "Uh…."
Yerrow Gurl?
GAH-LATE BAWS A-FEI-AH?
Beat me to it.
Rather an unfortunate choice of words, now that I think of it, as regards beating, chickens, and old socks. I guess I'll have to choke it down.
Who was Truman Capote?
Did the Founding Fathers have anything to say about the one-third of the Colonial population that consisted of African slaves? Thought so.
1/3rds were considered 2/3rds.
Actually that was the main thing they talked about, just like now. The three-fifths compromise was the only way to get the slave states to sign on to the Constitution. The wonderful praise-worthy divinely-inspired Founding Patriarchs kicked that can down the road, to coin a memorable term.
This is the shitty thing about politics: nobody ever gets everything they want, except maybe Catholic bishops. And sometimes even they get bamboozled by that colored man in the White House. He's even smarter than he looks!
Oddly enough, today the Catholic employers only have to pay 3/5 the cost of birth control.
1/3 * 3/5 = 1/5, so shut up, that's why!
I think the real founding fathers would have donkey punched these tea baggers.
As a rebuttal to these low info peeps, Ben Franklin would have farted proudly in their general direction.
See! It IS conservative Comicon.
Concomicon? Comiconcon? Come on cum in my mouth-icon? (one for the fellas lookin for other fellas on the DL)
You are so right.
And their version of the past is just as reliable as Marvel's regarding who created what and who gets paid.
I think you're doing Marvel a disservice with that statement.
You mean something like this? http://ohdannyboy.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/gary-fr...
Some will rob you with a six-gun, and some with a fountain pen.
or Karma Chameleon-icon
No, comic conventions still manage to have respectable booth babes. All I'm seeing here is Callista Gingrich.
necronomicon?
I think you're onto something, there…
I'm trippin', right? This shit can't be real.
Any why is Ruth Bader Ginsburg hanging with the those two douches with the funny hats?
Is that who that is. I thought it was someone who got their time periods messed up and came dressed as Miguel de Morillo.
It's no surpise that Callista is just a blur, silly–you can't photograph vampires.
I don't know if she's a vampire, but everyone knows by now that she sucks.
Cally has evolved in to gigantic florescent light bulb.
This is good news for Steve King?
I assume that means she's having an affair with Rep. Steve King.
EDIT: you are elviously quick, also.
She's just too sparkly, like those kids from that movie.
The Girl with the Hungry Eyes has seen better days.
No wonder Newt wants to colonize the moon, Callista is one of those aliens from Cocoon.
We went wrong letting these over emotional men run things. All they are concerned about is keeping women from killing themselves or getting killed in combat.
Next weekend they'll be appearing at a Furry convention at the Holiday Inn in Omaha.
Yiffy-kai-yay, motherfuckers.
I think the first photo is from the Dating Class – because there's nothing else that'll attract the ladiez like wearing headgear that was popular two centuries ago, trust me!
The Real Founders would have shown up late and Drunk and kicked these pasty little bastard's asses. Ben Franklin fought one handed, with two Lusty Wenches on the other arm.
Ben Franklin fought one handed, with one Lusty Wench on the other arm and one Lusty Wench polishing his knob.
You must have read his letters! Somehow that bit was left out of the Official Portrait.
How do you think they got him to sit long enough for that portrait? Hmmm?
It was that Frenchy Jean-Baptiste Greuze. I think he always had Wenches on Retainer.
Pretty clever!
Franklin inspires me to become an entrepreneur, traveling door to door with Lusty Wench Knob Polisher™. Job creation!
That explains why he's on the hunner dolla bill!
Who is Dracula on the end in glasses? Is this some kind of Twilight meets 1776 remake?
personally, i thought it tomas torquemada.
The 2012 Ford Torquemada sounds like a kickas SUV!!
And they're made right here in the good old USA. Right in Toledo!
so much win
Do not ask him for justice. Do not ask him for mercy. Let's face it, you can't torq 'im ada anything.
Stupid humans… ruining things that humans came up with. Who do they think they are? It's as if they thought they were humans or something… stupid humans… or something…
Who will play Mel Gibson? He's the patriot, right? And that movie was real history, right? No Martha? Sexist poopyheads.
OT Kvetch.
Sorry, but your avatar seems to have caught fire in Marseilles.
Modular Flambé.
Now I feel all stabby and throat-punchy.
Thanks Jim!
all we need to do is some cosplay of King George III, the Prince Regent and Mr E Blackadder Esq.
At this point in their production, adding a certified sauerkraut-sucking loon who dresses like a mad parrot and talks like a plate of beans negotiating their way out of a cow's digestive system would be redundant.
We'd have the Young Republicans lined up out the door to audition for Baldrick.
When you put actors in funny hats they become Constitutional scholars.
I hope they weren't paid actors. They suck.
The way the Right assumes superiority in family and moral values, business acumen and teaching man to fish, they sure are taking credit for the founding fathers and the constitution these last three years.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iQ7ZDUutU4
At least this guy lost, he would have been a pisser on the House Floor.
The Federalist Rapers.
Conservative cosplay is weak.
That and their foreplay.
How the hell can a conservative realistically play Thomas Jefferson?
Everyone knows Tommy boy was down with the swirl.
How the hell can a conservative play any of the founders?
Because they all secretly want to bed black women?
Hey there, Madison, where'd you cop that 21st Century lanyard?
These fake Founding Fathers, much like the real ones, didn't even notice the lack of women and negros during the discussion.
Note CPAC "Founder Roundtable": you never go full retard.
Where is Squanto? This is just like 3rd grade, or the lunatic who impersonates a teacher in that teacher movie with Nick Nolte.
sure, why not?
certainly, when i see a tricorn i think "these guys have what it takes to run the country!'
In the Newt shot it doesn't look like it's a full house by
halfquartereighthwhatever. Was there anybody but you present Jim?If we just gave them all jobs at Colonial Williamsburgh, would they shut up and leave us alone?
Can we give the a "job" in the stockade?
"We're gonna take a five-minute break while the dungeon master goes back to his hotel room to get his bag of dice."
That's a lovely picture of Callista, Jim — but why is she all white? I was under the impression that glaciers reflected blue.
And I always thought that white symbolized purity instead of whoring mistress turned wife after actual wife and previous wife got dumped.
I wonder how many Mistress Whore Diamond Wives Gingrich will trade Romney for his Sister Raper Vulture Capitalist Wives at the convention?
Don’t you just love conservative fetish wear.
Ben: "Do you think the arsenic is helping with my syphilis?"
Thom: "We got to get you one of them Negroes."
Alex :"Fo'Shizzle."
Ben: "Now back to this freedom thingy. Should the Negroes be allowed to have Out Houses or access to the well? Because our slaves already live better than those Injun Savages who besmirch our land."
Is Sally Hemmings under the table?
Dave Matthews Libel!
Tricorn hat = Dunce cap
Last night I went on craigs list and ended up sucking a dong this big.
-Dude on the Right-
Did the "founders" discuss how much they hated Papists?
i think it's the whore diamonds that are causing callista white-out.
That guy on the left looks more like Dr. Zaius than a Founder
More like "Foundering Flounders," amirite?
He's got the lips for it…
Mr. Jefferson, what newspapers do you read?
Oh, all of them, Katie.
Where is Aaron Burr when we really need him?
I wish Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, “Tom” Paine, and Patrick Henry all were here today to tell the CPAC people just how ignorant, uneducated and ridiculous they are.
Seriously. Say what you will about them (including slave owning/shtupping and sexual habits) but they were smart and educated. If they had a conversation with the CPAC crowd, it would only reaffirm their belief that popular voting should not be open to the masses.
Sure this isn't a C-PAP convention. They all look sleep deprived, especially extremely weird guy in glasses and cape?
HEy, that was my joke like two days ago!
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!
Methinks "Thomas Jefferson" would be more than happy in the hotel's chamberpot servicing someone through Ye Olde Glorie Hole.
Does Newt explain how Truman accomplished vastly more than Reagan in the film?
Once Newt reminds them of the 140,000 Japanese civilians Truman nuked to death, that'll bring 'em around!
Yeah. It's in the homage to the bar scene from Star Wars.
I bet the crowd went wild when Jefferson explained why the Blahs were inferior to real people (whites).
Man, when I see that many empty theater seats, I think "Gigli" or "MST3K"
How about Atlas Shrugged, or Palin: The Undefeated.
Wait!!! Hold it!!!!
They are all White Males just like Republicans!
Subliminal message there somewhere.
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
-Benjamin Franklin
So, what was the crowds' reaction when Franklin showed up drunk with whores and talking about how we needed to follow the French Example, and then Jefferson talked about his plans to re-write the Bible and how he owned a Koran?
Or when Paine endorsed OWS and came out against organized religion?
How dare you detract from CPAC's message with facts!
what was the crowds' reaction when Franklin showed up drunk with whores
Ho mai?
Jim – please watch out for the Founding Father on the left with the turtle face and lanyard. Seems he trying to give you the "come hither" look. Or maybe his buttplug is pushed a little too far up? Either way, stay away.
Newt can really pack the theatre can't he. I don't see a single head.
Wait just a minuteman! Where is Paul Revere, the Raiders and the Confederate General from Big Sur? Sarah…Help
Lets hope it was a snuff film, and there were no survivors.
Hey, Jim: when is the theater showing OW MY BALLS?
Tough for an organization to appear fresh and modern when your membership likes to dress in pretty olden times ruffles and stockings.
Wow. Thomas Paine, eh? Must have really livened the place up considerably, given that he was prone to say stuff like this:
He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from oppression.
An avidity to punish is always dangerous to liberty. It leads men to stretch, to misinterpret, and to misapply even the best of laws. He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty, he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself.
The circumstances of the world are continually changing, and the opinions of men change also; and as government is for the living, and not for the dead, it is the living only that has any right in it. That which may be thought right and found convenient in one age, may be thought wrong and found inconvenient in another. In such cases, who is to decide, the living, or the dead?
Customs will often outlive the remembrance of their origin.
It is always to be taken for granted, that those who oppose an equality of rights never mean the exclusion should take place on themselves.
Persecution is not an original feature in any religion; but it is always the strongly marked feature of all religions established by law. Take away the law-establishment, and every religion re-assumes its original benignity.
All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.
The study of theology, as it stands in Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on nothing; it proceeds by no authorities; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing and admits of no conclusion.
It is from the Bible that man has learned cruelty, rapine and murder; for the belief of a cruel God makes a cruel man.
No falsehood is so fatal as that which is made an article of faith.
Of all the tyrannies that afflict mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst. Every other species of tyranny is limited to the world we live in, but this attempts a stride beyond the grave and seeks to pursue us into eternity.
What is it the New Testament teaches us? To believe that the Almighty committed debauchery with a woman engaged to be married; and the belief of this debauchery is called faith.
The Bible: a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalise mankind.
The Christian system of religion is an outrage on common sense.
Thank you. This was lovely to read on a Friday.
THOMAS PAINE WAS A FINO!!1!11!
There you go again. Confusing them with Facts.
Thanks for that, very nice!
Common Sense
history is hard.
wearing tricorn hats and using names of long dead intellectuals is easy.
Oh, if only sense would become common once again.
Hey, isn't the guy on the far left of the founders Dr. Eldon Tyrell?
If only the CPAC attendees (Undercover Wonketteurs excepted) would wear down after four years.
The theatre seats are all empty. I guess Jim needed some alone time.
The fetish these TP'ers have for colonial garb is … is … bizarre. If I were to dress up like Napoleon and tell the doctors the Republic is in mortal danger … well, no speakers slot at CPAC for me. Just more meds.
The TP'ers are engaged in their version of fapping: paleotelepathy. They claim to know what the founders were thinking. And what they'd do if we could time travel them to Fox News. (I think the first thing they'd do is nuke England, but that's just a theory.)
But they call their little dress-up game: "Where Did We Go Wrong?". America is the pre-eminent nation in the world. We have undertaken the hardest things a nation can do: democracy, multi-culturalism, repeatedly reinventing our economy, ten seasons of DWTS. And they think we've gone wrong! Fuck 'em. No … ask them what country they think is better. (That's right: I'm saying "love it or leave it")
And they think we've gone wrong! Fuck 'em. No … ask them what country they think is better.
The Confederacy?
They claim to speak for the founders.
They claim to speak for the unborn.
They claim to speak for God.
See a pattern?
But, they want to take their America back.
They might have said that they realize change will come to America. They revered the ideas of the Greeks and Romans but didn't create a nation where people would live just the way they did in classical times. They might say the Constitution was a guideline to freedom and not holy writ that was frozen once the ink was dry.
These were men who believed in the Enlightenment, the progress of science, and freedom for others. Slaves and women excepted according to the beliefs of the times, beliefs they might wish would eventually change.
Doubtless the CPAC crowd believes the late 18th century was a golden age for our country. Except for, again, slaves, indentured servants, women, Jews, Native Americans, etc. They want to live in a society that never existed. Richard Hofstadter's The Paranoid Style in American Politics shows how long this strain of boobery has infected us.
"Where Did We Go Wrong?"
Starts somewhere around "hey let's put on costumes at CPAC"
Where is the Negro Sacha Baron Cohen to crash this panel and ask how one can achieve the Dream of owning white people? Because I couldn't clear my schedule for this.
I haven't seen any posts from Negropolis today – I bet he's making the road trip. I hope Jim posts some video.
Fuck. If this were really accurate, they would all have a tankard of rum and smoking really bad tobacco.
Please, lets get back ro the founding fathers, the way they really were.
What crimes of humanity did Jim Newell commit to deserve this torture? He went from a cushy job at Gawker to wandering the poop-filled halls of CPAC for our Wonkette. When you get back Jim, its jager time.
Aristocrats and Rakes? Or a bunch of fucking clowns?
America, YOU decide!
“It was the human beings that destroyed it”
Yes, if only Franklin finished the plans for his lightning-powered Constitution Droids, we wouldn't be in this situation.
They could just as easily have all dressed up like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes. It would make as much sense.
You mean the trial scene?
They were dressed like that at last night's afterparty.
HA, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
With leather?
Oh my GOD! Callista is approaching critical mass!
The Spanish Inquisition wears Mickey Mouse hats? Well, that's unexpected.
Founders? I prefer my cosplay with hawt Asian girls in anime outfits.
So Callista is Anonymous? I'll admit, that is one surprise twist I hadn't guessed.
ANONYMISTA:
She never gives.
She never regrets.
Buy her MOAR Whore Diamonds.
Any Imperial storm troopers or Klingons? I understand that Klingons throw the best parties. What about Civil War re-enactors? A bunch of Secesh infantry would liven things up.
Callista is a being of pure energy.
That and blow jobs.
Yes, but what did Sally Hemmings and Patrick Jennings have to say about the rights of man? We're their ghosts also resurrected for this?
That one picture looks like two Founding Fathers and Stephen Hawking. Which one time-traveled?
If those are the Founding Fathers, where is Jefferson Davis?
What is wrong with this??? I think its cool that they couuld get all these gays togethrer to talk to people about what has happend to the constitition. If we dont protect the constitution, then pretty soon we wont be free any longer. I think Obamma and his crowd have hurt the consittutoin and think thats the right thing to do so that they can make us have sharias law and pretty soon then the caliphates will be in your back yard. Yea, than I bet you wish youd listened to these guys warn about whats happendning to our consitutoin. I think this Wonkette thing needs to get shut down for ever.
GOOGLE
RON PAULSPELLCHECKI dont get it. Who is this SPELLCHECK??? Is taht one of the guys in the picture and who wrote the constitution? I didnt find any one when I did this. May be you need to take a hirstory coursee!!!
Thomas Paine and Thomas Jefferson both supported the French Revolution that Senator Man-on-Dog was shit-talking yesterday.
Thomas Paine also fucking hated Christianity.
The one on the far left looks like an inquisitor.
their old-timey projector
Many conservatives still use one of those: fire and hand puppet shadows on their cave walls…..
Did Palin dress up as a flounder? With her eyes were on the same side of her head, she'd appear more intelligent.
Is the dweeb on the right a now almost growed-up Jonathan Krohn?
Wow, where is MST 3000 when you really need it?
I love all the empty seats. Ronny Raygun doesn't draw like he use to…
Love the pic of the white dwarf, and Callista's never looked better.
Is it just me or does the theater look EMPTY? They must have all gone to the TurdParty Tea.
I was one of those '70's gigglers and thanks for the reminder Chet. Might be time for a DVD marathon tonight. With booze.
Damn. I was hoping people would think that was just our everyday conversation.
That was, in fact, a trick question. Culver City have NEVER won the English football cup….
After a long, hard day of morning and evening Baptist church services, this was the closest thing to drugs I had! (And the worst of it was, these were black Baptists who had somehow been brainwashed by white fundies into frowning upon their own tendency to at least have a kick-ass music ministry.)
It isn't?
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