cpacalypse

The Ocupados Have Arrived At CPAC!

Fap Cats? Finally, some action! The Occupy people have reached CPAC and are protesting around this cute kitty furry structure near the driveway. So far no murders, but maybe if the kitty keeps squeezing that worker? Squeeze the worker, Garfield, squeeze him for every last Amero! Oh and that fellow with the long hair at the bottom of the photo, see him? He was bickering back and forth with some business-attired dildos across the driveway, about whether we should “like” the One Percent. No consensus was reached.

They went all the way down Woodley Road, yelling about their precious total lack of wealth. Get a job at Taco Bell! Mitt Romney demands it.

They had breached the field outside the evil Marriott Wardman Hotel & Conference Centre last we saw, but so far, the electricity in this building still works. Any second now, Heritage Foundation, any second.

Is the driver of this Occupy counter-protest Mitt Romney car that was speeding by smoking a pipe? Optics, man, optics.

Mittens is about to speak, and we hear he’s got a truckload of demerits to issue to these uncouth hippies outside.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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170 comments

  1. nounverb911

    Teabaggers complain about their right to free* speech being violated in 3…2…1…

    *Sponsored by the Koch boys.

    1. mrpuma2u

      What they are really unhappy about is that some of the Occupy protesters are racial/ethnic minorities, and might actually get within 20 feet of them.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    "…that was speeding by smoking a pipe?" Well, it's not like any of Willard's minions are going to be smoking Marlboro's. I'm surprised he's not driving a Bentley.

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      If only Bentley made crew-cab pickups. He should ask Scott Brown where to get a pickup suitable for a true onepercenter.

    1. Geminisunmars

      "Be good conservatives and go inside,"

      I cannot imagine any guard saying something like that to me and me responding positively and/or following orders. But I suppose that's why I'm not a good little conservative.

    2. GOPCrusher

      A union organized protest of CPAC? You mean that there is more than one protest going on? Or are they trying to insinuate that Occupy is a union organized protest? Is George Soros standing out there also with a bullhorn personally directing the protesters?

        1. V572 Flambé

          He’ll be 37 in 2024! This is a good time to jump on the bandwagon and start angling for a cabinet seat. Of course you’ll have to explain to him what a “cabinet” is, and why as president he would need to have one.

          1. Generation[redacted]

            Who cares if he knows anything. Conservatives just LOVE a President who bows all the time!

        2. chicken_thief

          Tebow may be muscular, but if he punches like he passes he wouldn't be able to kick the ass of anyone tougher than say, my 79 yr old ma.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Is that a bouncy house coming down the street in the second picture? Shame on the OWS people for exposing children to this carnage! But at least they're having fun.

  4. ChernobylSoup

    "Is this Custom Inflatables? Yeah, I want a cat. Big cat. Need to make him choke something. What? No, nothing sick like that, you pervert. Have him choke a worker dude…"

    1. chicken_thief

      I suspect a tinge of snark in that comment, edgy. But let's not be so quick to underestimate the fear factor here. After all, there are n-e-g-r-o-s, aka The Black Panthers, in the crowd!

        1. MittBorg

          Hey, these CPACkers are the kind of people that, in the middle of the day, in broad daylight, on a crowded city street, they will cross against traffic to avoid risking actual contact with a Not-White person.

  5. Chichikovovich

    I'm pretty sure that this is one of those rent-a-posts, like the "who wants faster broadband?" one a month or so back. And the giant inflatable worker crushing cat manufacturers have spent their money wisely. I myself am going to order two of them right away – one with top hat and spats and one without.

    And while I'm on the subject – let's pass the hat around to get one to float over to Barb while she is convalescing.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          True. Not only that, but my cat knows precisely where my bladder is and keeps time better than the atomic clock in CO.

          1. MittBorg

            Is this part of whatever Cat-HumanInteractionProcess training that they undergo before they, you know, move in and take over? Because these little fuckers have an unerring sense for the precise location of (1) full bladders (2) surgical incisions (3) acupuncture pressure points (4) the tipping point of any object whatsoever on any surface whatsoever.

            I'm beginning to wonder if they're the real aliens, except they're not so much invading us as doing stress tests, or sump'n.

          2. Dashboard Buddha

            you might be on to something about with the Little Alien theory. However, instead of anal probs, at least these little invaders are good for a purr.

          3. MittBorg

            True. Or you could have Gustav The Japanese Bobtail with a set of lungs that could put Maria Callas to shame. Every ten minutes, he makes loud mooing noises for no reason that we have ever been able to figure out.

            OTOH, he's so fucking cute when he's asleep and/or purring.

          4. Negropolis

            I'm beginning to wonder if they're the real aliens, except they're not so much invading us as doing stress tests, or sump'n.

            LOL!

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      One of my cats (Aldous Huxley) has extremely stinky shit, I mean it makes you gag and your eyes water. Of course when this happens they are my cats and I'm the pooper scooper. If he was as big as Fat Cat we would have the ultimate weapon.

      Fortunately switching Aldous’s diet has helped.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If only the OWS crowd had shown up in time for the dating seminar. So much could have been solved.

  7. MissTaken

    Oh my god, the carnage, death, and destruction! This is the scariest thing I've ever seen. I won't be able to sleep tonight after seeing that!

    Of course I'm referring to the Romney supporter smoking a pipe and carrying his own role of toilet paper.

    1. MittBorg

      I was wondering about that. What kind of person carries around a roll of TP on the dashboard, for hevvin's sake? Are there no tasteful, knitted cat-shaped COVERS???

    2. Negropolis

      Oh my god, the carnage, death, and destruction! This is the scariest thing I've ever seen. I won't be able to sleep tonight after seeing that!

      Imma let you finish, Misstaken, but War of the Worlds was the best radio hoax ever!

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If only the Paultard rEVOLution Blimp would swoop down and attack the Cat. That would be video worth watching on YouTube.

  9. weej_bain

    Emcee: And now Governor Mit(tens) Rmoney.
    Crowd: 3 Paultards slo clapping
    Mittens: Thank you for that warm reception.
    Crowd: Dead, do mean cold fucking dead, silence
    Mittens: I support no taxes at all on people earning over $150K/year!!!
    Crowd: Even deader silence
    Mittens: I support banning all contraception!!!
    Crowd: Acoustic black hole
    Mittens: I'll personally blow every dick in attendance
    Crowd: Flees for exits

  10. coolhandnuke

    Time to clean up them dirty, filthy smelling hippies with some high water pressure showers….Smithers release the water cannons.

  11. ThundercatHo

    Jim, since you're inside, is it your job to cut the power, activate the fire alarm and turn on the sprinkler system?

  12. Limeylizzie

    Listening to Mitten's speech is so soul-destroying, I don't know if I can stand to listen to him smacking his lips after every second sentence , listen for it, it will drive you mad.

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Oh now you have ruined all of Mitt's speaches for me.

      Seriously, whenever he's talking I'm running for the remote. He's almost as bad as Palin. Almost.

    2. chicken_thief

      It's his rapid shallow breathing thing that gets me. Every time he remembers one of his memorized lines and tries to spit it out before he forgets it he goes into that huh, huh, huh thing like a dog that just ran laps around the house. I just want to slap him upside his bobble-sized head and tell him to slow the fuck down. You have the microphone, Mittens, so chill the fuck out.

    3. Negropolis

      His reedy voice bothers me, too, and it doesn't much help when he tries to make it deeper or yell. It's like his trachea is the size of a straw.

      1. Limeylizzie

        And that accelerated way of talking when he is reciting his talking points is also irritating as is the terrible, fake laugh.

    4. ttommyunger

      I like your eye for detail. Poor Kerry had a bad case of the "Lizard Lick" too, and nobody on his staff apparently had enough guts to tell him about it. Drove me fucking nuts.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Is that Michael Bolton in the first pic? Man, he looks like shit since Nicolette Sheridan dumped his hairy ass.

  14. fartknocker

    I see that the Elevator Constructors Local 10 is represented in the first photo. These guys and gals could do us a big favor by disconnecting the Otis safety brakes when a few car loads of these rat fucks get on board to return from happy hour.

    If you think that sounds radical, well it's my response to some of the statements made by one CPAC speaker yesterday about Rachel Maddow and her parents. I can play shitty too you bloviating shit birds.

  15. BlueStateLibel

    Thank God Mitt Romney's there to totally defuse this tense confrontation by putting everyone to sleep.

  16. prommie

    Dude looks like that handsome, masculine Green that so entranced Lisa Simpson, that time she started living in the tree.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      This valuable experience is helping her prepare for her ultimate showdown with the Moon Nazis.

  17. Ducksworthy

    Mormon Jeebus has explained the path to wealth to anyone with ears to hear. First, inherit a billion of so Ameros. B- Have yourself appointed to receive millions a year forever for outsourcing jerbs to China. 2 Have yourself appointed to sort out (i.e. monetize) the rampant corruption of your co-religionists who have take over the Olympics. Presto-you are fit to be Preznit of Mormon Corruptistan.

  18. hagajim

    I'm sure Mittens will gently chide them for their protest and do so in a manner which completely shows just how fucking clueless he is – as usual.

  19. GOPCrusher

    I call bullshit. I do not see a single guillotine in any of these pictures. I refuse to believe that these are those maniacal killer Occupy hippies that I've heard so much about.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      It's time for her appearance… how would a guillotine look made out of blow-up plastic, anyway?…

  20. real_dc_native

    Look at the size of that fat cat! It must have been feasting on all those rats that infested the occupy camp.

  21. C_R_Eature

    Breitbart will run through this crowd like an airline pilot through religious recruiters because he hates those fucking guys!
    Any time now.
    Breitbart?
    Hello?

  22. An_Outhouse

    If I do get a job at Taco Bell, will I be forced to use contraceptives for free by the librul dictatorship?

  23. thefrontpage

    Meanwhile, after the protest, everyone went to the Naked Twister Party in the Wardman's Meeting Room 69, which was sponsored by Craigs List, and, along with the 400 men there who received answers to their ads, everyone had a great time. The Naked Twister Party at CPAC is co-sponsored by Milton Bradley, Twister, Viagra, Trojan and Craigs List.

  24. ttommyunger

    Well, one thing's for sure, they've got "milling around" down pat. That is one motley crew and I wish I were part of it.

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