cpacalypse

The Ocupados Have Arrived At CPAC!

Fap Cats? Finally, some action! The Occupy people have reached CPAC and are protesting around this cute kitty furry structure near the driveway. So far no murders, but maybe if the kitty keeps squeezing that worker? Squeeze the worker, Garfield, squeeze him for every last Amero! Oh and that fellow with the long hair at the bottom of the photo, see him? He was bickering back and forth with some business-attired dildos across the driveway, about whether we should “like” the One Percent. No consensus was reached.

They went all the way down Woodley Road, yelling about their precious total lack of wealth. Get a job at Taco Bell! Mitt Romney demands it.

They had breached the field outside the evil Marriott Wardman Hotel & Conference Centre last we saw, but so far, the electricity in this building still works. Any second now, Heritage Foundation, any second.

Is the driver of this Occupy counter-protest Mitt Romney car that was speeding by smoking a pipe? Optics, man, optics.

Mittens is about to speak, and we hear he’s got a truckload of demerits to issue to these uncouth hippies outside.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  • nounverb911

    Teabaggers complain about their right to free* speech being violated in 3…2…1…

    *Sponsored by the Koch boys.

    • mrpuma2u

      What they are really unhappy about is that some of the Occupy protesters are racial/ethnic minorities, and might actually get within 20 feet of them.

  • Not_So_Much

    Unleash the Occupy rats Krakken!

    • nounverb911

      Occupy the Krakken!

      • CapnFatback

        Occupy the Crackers!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    "…that was speeding by smoking a pipe?" Well, it's not like any of Willard's minions are going to be smoking Marlboro's. I'm surprised he's not driving a Bentley.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      If only Bentley made crew-cab pickups. He should ask Scott Brown where to get a pickup suitable for a true onepercenter.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Be careful, Jim! Don't get arrested forsort of standing within eyeshot of protests!

    • Geminisunmars

      "Be good conservatives and go inside,"

      I cannot imagine any guard saying something like that to me and me responding positively and/or following orders. But I suppose that's why I'm not a good little conservative.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Blew me away. The ultimate in "Shut up and sit down" sheeple behaviour.

    • freakishlywrong

      "Be good conservatives and go inside," . Be good conservatives and go to Somalia.

    • GOPCrusher

      A union organized protest of CPAC? You mean that there is more than one protest going on? Or are they trying to insinuate that Occupy is a union organized protest? Is George Soros standing out there also with a bullhorn personally directing the protesters?

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

        The "New Black Panthers" are a sort of Union, right?

        • Generation[redacted]

          I heard at least two members will be there!

          • Fare la Volpe

            And if we're lucky, all 4 members might show up at once!

          • GOPCrusher

            Trying to deny the CPAC attendees their right to vote in a straw poll!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Are they fucking in their sleeping bags yet?

    • BarackMyWorld

      It's never too early.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      The C-packers? Not likely. Sex is verboten for them, I believe. Unless it involves another man in a "discrete" hotel room, any way.

      • HistoriCat

        What happened to men's room sex? The Larry Craig stall is available at this time!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I'm SO NOT EVEN ASKING how you would know this.

          • HistoriCat

            Tap tap.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            AAAAIIIIEEEEEE!!! (flees) (also, fleas) (too)

      • Negropolis

        Yes, yes, sex only if it is in "quiet rooms"…

        No moving, no kissing, and no noise.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          You know, whores don't kiss. Jes sayin'.

  • PubOption

    Is the guy with the long hair Hippie Jesus?

    • V572 Flambé

      Muscular Jebus would kick Hippie Jesus' ass.

      • nounverb911

        Tebow?

        • V572 Flambé

          He’ll be 37 in 2024! This is a good time to jump on the bandwagon and start angling for a cabinet seat. Of course you’ll have to explain to him what a “cabinet” is, and why as president he would need to have one.

          • nounverb911

            Cabinet? It's just a movable version of the closet Tebow's coming out of.

          • An_Outhouse

            too bad he was born in another country

          • jus_wonderin

            I wish he'd soil his suit when he "tebowed".

          • Generation[redacted]

            Who cares if he knows anything. Conservatives just LOVE a President who bows all the time!

          • PubOption

            Not to mention one that kisses Saudi princes.

        • chicken_thief

          Tebow may be muscular, but if he punches like he passes he wouldn't be able to kick the ass of anyone tougher than say, my 79 yr old ma.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      He kinda looks like one of Dr Moreau's creations.

    • proudgrampa

      Are you kidding? That's Steven Tyler!

      • Baconzgood

        I thought it was Richard Branson.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants
    • chicken_thief

      I thought it was Frank Gallagher's younger brother.

    • Negropolis

      Hell, I thought it was Tom Petty or Iggy Pop.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Is that a bouncy house coming down the street in the second picture? Shame on the OWS people for exposing children to this carnage! But at least they're having fun.

  • CapnFatback

    Oh boy, Brad Stine is gonna have some killer material for tonight's show!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Let's hope he does. I'd be delighted if he'd actually kill a few of these worthless shits.

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Oh, nooooes! Not the Dirty Fucking Hippies!! They'll ruin everything . . .

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Business-attired dildos? This is Casual Friday, for Jah's sake!

  • ChernobylSoup

    "Is this Custom Inflatables? Yeah, I want a cat. Big cat. Need to make him choke something. What? No, nothing sick like that, you pervert. Have him choke a worker dude…"

    • jus_wonderin

      I thought the same thing. Must be expensive to get a custom inflatable.

    • bagofmice

      Is a bitch gonna have to choke a Brady?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      That's what the kids are calling it now days?

  • BarackMyWorld

    I just want to know where I can get my very own inflatable fat cat.

    • CapnFatback

      rushlimbaugh.com

      WILL. NOT. LINK.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Donate to Newt's World…

    • C_R_Eature

      That's What Callista Said.

  • Lucidamente1

    Romney, Believe in America, cuz America sure as shit doesn't believe in you.

  • FraAnima

    Death to the fascist insect that preys upon the proletariat!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hind leg of the running dog of capitalism!

  • jus_wonderin

    Hey, is that Boenher?

  • bumfug

    Needs more bongos.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      BongoHits4Jesus should be around any minute now.

  • Fare la Volpe

    I for one welcome our hairball-huffing overlords.

  • PuckStopsHere

    That's the crowd showing up for Bristle's book signing.

  • edgydrifter

    My God. It's just like Tahrir Square. I totally understand now why the CPACers are so terrified.

    • chicken_thief

      I suspect a tinge of snark in that comment, edgy. But let's not be so quick to underestimate the fear factor here. After all, there are n-e-g-r-o-s, aka The Black Panthers, in the crowd!

      • Negropolis

        You mean all two of them?! The horror!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Hey, these CPACkers are the kind of people that, in the middle of the day, in broad daylight, on a crowded city street, they will cross against traffic to avoid risking actual contact with a Not-White person.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Ladies and gentlemen, G.E. Smith and the Caturday Night Live Band!

  • Chichikovovich

    I'm pretty sure that this is one of those rent-a-posts, like the "who wants faster broadband?" one a month or so back. And the giant inflatable worker crushing cat manufacturers have spent their money wisely. I myself am going to order two of them right away – one with top hat and spats and one without.

    And while I'm on the subject – let's pass the hat around to get one to float over to Barb while she is convalescing.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Why not. Megapussy.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    At last, something that will make Conservatives favor Birth Control.

  • Canmon

    I'm pretty sure I spotted the 1986 Mets in one of the pictures.

    • Harry_S_Truman

      Yeah, they were all running through a giant Bill Buckner blow-up's legs.

      • James Michael Curley

        For the Win!

    • CapnFatback

      The Occupiers have attained the services of the Baseball Furies for protection!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Ain't no WAY you're gonna get me to empty that guy's litter box.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      It's got chunks of Worker in it.

      • jus_wonderin

        Reminds me of a "Bones" episode.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Hell…my cat can outshit the gato inflatio any day.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        It's surprising how much output those li'l guys can manage. They must be eating a LOT more than we think.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          True. Not only that, but my cat knows precisely where my bladder is and keeps time better than the atomic clock in CO.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Is this part of whatever Cat-HumanInteractionProcess training that they undergo before they, you know, move in and take over? Because these little fuckers have an unerring sense for the precise location of (1) full bladders (2) surgical incisions (3) acupuncture pressure points (4) the tipping point of any object whatsoever on any surface whatsoever.

            I'm beginning to wonder if they're the real aliens, except they're not so much invading us as doing stress tests, or sump'n.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            you might be on to something about with the Little Alien theory. However, instead of anal probs, at least these little invaders are good for a purr.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            True. Or you could have Gustav The Japanese Bobtail with a set of lungs that could put Maria Callas to shame. Every ten minutes, he makes loud mooing noises for no reason that we have ever been able to figure out.

            OTOH, he's so fucking cute when he's asleep and/or purring.

          • Negropolis

            I'm beginning to wonder if they're the real aliens, except they're not so much invading us as doing stress tests, or sump'n.

            LOL!

    • IceCreamEmpress

      "Litter box"? True Americans call that "the banking system."

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      One of my cats (Aldous Huxley) has extremely stinky shit, I mean it makes you gag and your eyes water. Of course when this happens they are my cats and I'm the pooper scooper. If he was as big as Fat Cat we would have the ultimate weapon.

      Fortunately switching Aldous’s diet has helped.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Pity we can't try that on the Repuglycan't lineup, they've been shitting all over the country and stinkin' it up something terrible.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I love a parade!
    Where are the clowns?

    • nounverb911

      Inside at CPAC.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Damn you

    • Tilley

      "Don't bother — they're here," I believe is the correct response?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If only the OWS crowd had shown up in time for the dating seminar. So much could have been solved.

    • HistoriCat

      Do you really think the CPACers would mellow out if they got laid once in a while?

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Yes. Or high.

  • WhatTheHeck

    That Fat Cat blowup doll is in every republican, presidential hopeful’s closet.

    • Wadisay

      If it's "anatomically correct," yes.

    • Fare la Volpe

      There isn't room for a tissue in every Republican's closet.

  • freakishlywrong

    NEEDS MOAR FURRIES.

    • LesBontemps

      Damn, beat me to it!

    • Fare la Volpe

      It's CPAC; there are too many already.

  • freakishlywrong

    Are the hateful, bullying conservatives shitting themselves yet? …Yet?

  • MissTaken

    Oh my god, the carnage, death, and destruction! This is the scariest thing I've ever seen. I won't be able to sleep tonight after seeing that!

    Of course I'm referring to the Romney supporter smoking a pipe and carrying his own role of toilet paper.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I was wondering about that. What kind of person carries around a roll of TP on the dashboard, for hevvin's sake? Are there no tasteful, knitted cat-shaped COVERS???

    • Negropolis

      Oh my god, the carnage, death, and destruction! This is the scariest thing I've ever seen. I won't be able to sleep tonight after seeing that!

      Imma let you finish, Misstaken, but War of the Worlds was the best radio hoax ever!

  • Radiotherapy

    Is there any truth to the rumor that Radiohead is not going to play a set?

  • LesBontemps

    Needz moar furries — not the hippie kind.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Next you'll want all the lezbos there to shave their legs.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If only the Paultard rEVOLution Blimp would swoop down and attack the Cat. That would be video worth watching on YouTube.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Sounds like an MST3K movie: GIANT CAT VS. THE BLIMP

  • Schmannnity

    I hope his consultants pick an appropriate emotion for Romney to attempt to approximate.

  • Baconzgood

    That's not the can I haz cheezburger cat.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, hell to the no. This one cannot haz.

  • Baconzgood

    Look at all the rats!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      CPAC's just FULL of 'em, ain't they? Wut? Oh. They're taking those over to VA, no worries.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Emcee: And now Governor Mit(tens) Rmoney.
    Crowd: 3 Paultards slo clapping
    Mittens: Thank you for that warm reception.
    Crowd: Dead, do mean cold fucking dead, silence
    Mittens: I support no taxes at all on people earning over $150K/year!!!
    Crowd: Even deader silence
    Mittens: I support banning all contraception!!!
    Crowd: Acoustic black hole
    Mittens: I'll personally blow every dick in attendance
    Crowd: Flees for exits

    • jus_wonderin

      "Acoustic black hole"

      That is a great band name.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Needs more pepper spray.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It's a vegetable, basically.

    • chicken_thief

      Isn't that, like, a condiment?

  • VinnyThePooh

    Twenty bucks says Fabio will be the first one pepper sprayed.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Vinny, aren't you three zeros short with that Mittens bet?

    • Generation[redacted]

      He looks hungry. Give him some food product.

    • jus_wonderin

      Hope there are not Geese around.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

        Pate on the hoof webfeet.

  • ghblowhard

    Get it? Fat cat!! It's fat AND a cat…oh nevermind.

  • coolhandnuke

    Time to clean up them dirty, filthy smelling hippies with some high water pressure showers….Smithers release the water cannons.

  • ThundercatHo

    Jim, since you're inside, is it your job to cut the power, activate the fire alarm and turn on the sprinkler system?

  • LesBontemps

    Needz moar alt-text.

  • Limeylizzie

    Listening to Mitten's speech is so soul-destroying, I don't know if I can stand to listen to him smacking his lips after every second sentence , listen for it, it will drive you mad.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      CANNOT UN-HEAR

    • prommie

      Thats the dick in his mouth.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Ah b'leev that is referred to as "Koch," in the better Republican circles.

        • Negropolis

          Me? I prefer Pepsi.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Nobody could ever mistake you for a Kochsucker, dood.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      You're listening to this shit?

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Oh now you have ruined all of Mitt's speaches for me.

      Seriously, whenever he's talking I'm running for the remote. He's almost as bad as Palin. Almost.

    • chicken_thief

      It's his rapid shallow breathing thing that gets me. Every time he remembers one of his memorized lines and tries to spit it out before he forgets it he goes into that huh, huh, huh thing like a dog that just ran laps around the house. I just want to slap him upside his bobble-sized head and tell him to slow the fuck down. You have the microphone, Mittens, so chill the fuck out.

    • fuflans

      thanks lizzie but i can't. i have some litter boxes to change.

    • Negropolis

      His reedy voice bothers me, too, and it doesn't much help when he tries to make it deeper or yell. It's like his trachea is the size of a straw.

      • Limeylizzie

        And that accelerated way of talking when he is reciting his talking points is also irritating as is the terrible, fake laugh.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I now see what you mean. And I'm sorry that I do. The lizard-like flicking of that pasty fat pink tongue. Ugh.

    • ttommyunger

      I like your eye for detail. Poor Kerry had a bad case of the "Lizard Lick" too, and nobody on his staff apparently had enough guts to tell him about it. Drove me fucking nuts.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Bad kitty! Bad!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Is that Michael Bolton in the first pic? Man, he looks like shit since Nicolette Sheridan dumped his hairy ass.

  • ph7

    I'd like to think Mitt' s driver has a VaporGenie in his mouth.

  • fartknocker

    I see that the Elevator Constructors Local 10 is represented in the first photo. These guys and gals could do us a big favor by disconnecting the Otis safety brakes when a few car loads of these rat fucks get on board to return from happy hour.

    If you think that sounds radical, well it's my response to some of the statements made by one CPAC speaker yesterday about Rachel Maddow and her parents. I can play shitty too you bloviating shit birds.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Thank God Mitt Romney's there to totally defuse this tense confrontation by putting everyone to sleep.

  • prommie

    Dude looks like that handsome, masculine Green that so entranced Lisa Simpson, that time she started living in the tree.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    But, how is all of this affecting Sarah Palin? That's the real story here.

    • Generation[redacted]

      This valuable experience is helping her prepare for her ultimate showdown with the Moon Nazis.

  • Ducksworthy

    Mormon Jeebus has explained the path to wealth to anyone with ears to hear. First, inherit a billion of so Ameros. B- Have yourself appointed to receive millions a year forever for outsourcing jerbs to China. 2 Have yourself appointed to sort out (i.e. monetize) the rampant corruption of your co-religionists who have take over the Olympics. Presto-you are fit to be Preznit of Mormon Corruptistan.

  • hagajim

    I'm sure Mittens will gently chide them for their protest and do so in a manner which completely shows just how fucking clueless he is – as usual.

  • GOPCrusher

    I call bullshit. I do not see a single guillotine in any of these pictures. I refuse to believe that these are those maniacal killer Occupy hippies that I've heard so much about.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It's time for her appearance… how would a guillotine look made out of blow-up plastic, anyway?…

  • TeaNuts

    Needs mor space Nazi's.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Biggest pussy at CPAC, after Palin's.

    • q_tion_evrythng

      Sarah's, Bristol's, or both??

  • real_dc_native

    Look at the size of that fat cat! It must have been feasting on all those rats that infested the occupy camp.

    • Generation[redacted]

      But why hasn't it been deflated by the thousands of hypodermic needles?

  • C_R_Eature

    Breitbart will run through this crowd like an airline pilot through religious recruiters because he hates those fucking guys!
    Any time now.
    Breitbart?
    Hello?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    The entire place was evacuated when kitty started coughing up a hairball….

  • http://archikvetch.blogspot.com/ archikvetch

    Needs more Princesse de Lamballe

  • monty4prez

    When did Garfield turn into Howard Taft?

  • An_Outhouse

    If I do get a job at Taco Bell, will I be forced to use contraceptives for free by the librul dictatorship?

  • An_Outhouse

    Remember, all those people marching around are just envious of Ann Coulter.

  • thefrontpage

    Meanwhile, after the protest, everyone went to the Naked Twister Party in the Wardman's Meeting Room 69, which was sponsored by Craigs List, and, along with the 400 men there who received answers to their ads, everyone had a great time. The Naked Twister Party at CPAC is co-sponsored by Milton Bradley, Twister, Viagra, Trojan and Craigs List.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Macy's is having a parade at CPAC?

  • Negropolis

    I love the balloon. lol

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    truncheons and rubber hose to the fore!!

  • ttommyunger

    Well, one thing's for sure, they've got "milling around" down pat. That is one motley crew and I wish I were part of it.