m4m

CPAC Once Again Full of Self-Hating Gay Men Hunting For Gay Sex

Marco Rubio?Like every year at CPAC time, the “no strings attached” sex Internet is busy busy busy with self-hating closeted homosexual Republican men who like to take a break from cheering on homophobic bible clods by going back to the hotel with a discreet dude who wants to give/receive some oral, “maybe more with the right guy,” etc. Republican homosexuals are so predictable!

The new twist in the “iPad era” or whatever is that there is now a special app for hunting free and easy GOP sodomy. It is called “Grindr,” because all Internet things must be spelled or at least capitalized in a dumb way, for Technology. And with this amazing social network sexytime GPS magick, you can be enjoying homosexual penetration within minutes of hearing Rick Santorum lisping about his lifelong dedication to thinking about gay men having nasty, dirty, unholy, hot pulsing homosexual intercourse.

Here’s Dan Choi and Dan Savage cruising Grindr for laffs at CPAC:

In the picture at the top of this page, which we just grabbed off Craigslist DC from a long list of M4M CPAC ads, a very fit 26-year-old Latino man would like to have some sexytime with other handsome self-hating Republican gays. Is he with Marco Rubio’s staff, or whatever, ha ha?

This next sexy patriot is a self-described twink who includes a patriotic American flag at the bottom of his post. That’s not what we want to see when we’re clicking M4M ads that have images, come on!

Don't use Our Flag to wipe off the Santorum!
And here’s a collection of 10 craigslist posts from dudez seeking dudez at CPAC. Be discreet! No fatties!

The mere presence of muckraker Dan Savage should be enough to scare the erections away from all these CPAC self-loathing closeted queers, right? Well, not exactly! Remember that eventually being caught and humiliated into accepting your orientation is kind of the normal thing for the Republican homosexual. [HyperVocal]

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277 comments

    1. MittBorg

      Great minds think alike! I was just thinkin' to myself, bet whoever answered that ad was SURprised! Looks like Marco's looking for a facial. Sigh.

  1. Ducksworthy

    The CPACers self loathing is pretty much all encompassing but they clearly are highly aroused by the lisping of the Santorum.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          I live in the same world as Mittens, Newt, Ann, Nancy, etc…etc…etc, motherfucking etc.

          This is why I'm considering a liquid diet.

  2. Dashboard Buddha

    "I am not out or looking to come out…"

    because I'm a greedy republican fuck and look forward to shitting on the gay community for my own personal gain.

  3. Fare la Volpe

    Honey, speaking as a twink myself, I can guaran-fucking-tee you are not as straight-acting as you think.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Hahahaha. All my gay friends think they're pretty butch. Then they shriek like a 14-year-old girl whenever they see something that particularly excites or annoys them. And get all flouncy-bouncy.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Well, now. I guess if I ever decide to go ghey, I'll know what to expect from (redacted), (redacted), (redacted), and (redacted).

    2. Loaded_Pants

      When I think back to my tender years, I always thought I was the butchest thing at the club. I still have pics from that time that show otherwise.

    1. MittBorg

      And after an hour of abasing himself at "this guy" (read: Marco Rubio)'s feet and being trod on by Rubio's size 13 EEEs, Santorum will crawl into church and collapse sobbing at the altar in a pool of flopsweat, snot, and tears. And hypocrisy. LOTS of hypocrisy.

  4. jus_wonderin

    I am thinking that second ad is bogus. Looking for "frat guy or older daddy". I don't think I have seen a 20 year old that would pick from both categories. I am a real 53 yro daddy? Does "daddy" mean something other than "older"?

    1. Fare la Volpe

      It means you're an older man who looks more masculine, with the implication that you're also more dominant in the sack.

      1. MittBorg

        Not so much. The "twink" in question is probably a highly paid Republicorporate whore already, or he wouldn't even be at CPAC. He's looking for a top who is *somewhat* older, probably because he's a teabaggin' bottom. AFAIK, that ad is just BEGGING for me to bring my whips and paddles to this scene.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          To be honest, when I read that ad my bullshit alarms went wild. He states two different ages, and then admits to being tall and muscly but still calls himself a twink. Something tells me our friend here is actually 5'3/350 with a knee injury from his last tour in 'Nam.

          1. MittBorg

            I'm SO tempted to answer that ad. Help me, Fare! Help me resist!

            Nip clips, whips, velvet leopard-print cuffs, ball gag — STOP ME BEFORE I BEAT HIS ASS!

          2. Fare la Volpe

            Come on back, Papa Bear. Your dream piggy lurks somewhere much classier than CPAC. Somewhere like Fet Life.

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wow, a 26 year old gay Latino at CPAC. So rare. So desirable. You know he will have people lined up outside his hotel room.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I'm thinking "professional." All you big sweaty older 'daddy' types don't think you're gonna get this for free, do you?

    1. BornInATrailer

      Well, at least this Latino doesn't have a job where he sweats his ass off, squatting all day grabbing cucumbers.

      Oh, wait..

    2. Jukesgrrl

      I know more than one hot young man who would accept service from CPAC all night and as long as no santorum was created, they'd still consider themselves straight.

      Like the self-loathing stud who beat my friend to a pulp after he had received his reward for cruising a gay trysting place. When my pal was smart enough to track him down and turn him over to the police, he brought his mama to court to claim he was home with her all night AND his fiancee who swore up and down that he would NEVER have anything to do with those gheyz.

      That guy's probably an organizer for Rick Santorum today.

      1. MittBorg

        You gotta wonder what those women are doing, yaknow? Don't they get that their son/lover is a homophobic closet case who is eventually going to *kill* someone because he just can't accept himself? Parents of gay kids everywhere have to die inside when they read shit like this. What kind of woman would cover up for a "boyfriend" who would go get his cock sucked and then beat the shit out of the person who sucked it?

  6. SayItWithWookies

    No wonder conservatives are so uncompromising when it comes to policy — they compromise their professed morals so often that they just don't have any more of it left in 'em.

          1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

            First: Never believe a photo offering sex on the internets.

            Second: If he actually looks that good, he is charging.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Between the santorum stains and the high-fructose-cornfeds' no doubt Leviathan shits, I don't envy that janitor one bit.

      1. widestanceshakedown

        Luckily, the new janitor is only 7 and does not understand fully what he is cleaning up, just that it smells like ewwww.

        1. vtxmcrider

          He would also look good with his feet firmly planted on the ceiling. And, in case you didn't know, magic underwear protects against Santorum stains. That is the whole point.

    1. SoBeach

      I'm imagining a whole bunch of women standing around the conservative dating booth, wondering why all the cute, well-dressed guys are off talking to each other instead of them. They must be shy or something.

      1. MittBorg

        Later on, the "boys" will propose to one or another of the Female Behemoth crowd, just like Attorney General (prefers to call himself General) Troy King of Alabama. His poor wife was heartbroken to discover him in the marital bed with his "aide." I coulda told her, if she'd listened. Their marriage has "BEARD" written all over it.

          1. HistoriCat

            I'm not 100% certain but I think beard is the spouse a gay person marries so that they can say "I'm not gay! I'm happily married!"

          2. MittBorg

            Back in the days when being gay was a crime that would result in losing your home, job, family, friends, income, and, pretty much everything, including your freedom, many gay men would marry a wife because, of course, a wife and an apparently heterosexual marriage are "proof" of a sort against rumours of a "deviant" lifestyle. This is still the case in most of Asia and Africa. If a person is discovered by their family to be gay, the "cure" is to get them married. This serves as a cover, or "beard," if you will. A disguise. Julia Child is probably one of the most famous "beards" I can think of. Other than General Troy King's wife, of course.

          3. doloras

            Also called a "beard" because it makes you look more masculine. I wonder what the equivalent (show-husband for closeted dykes) would be? A miniskirt?

    1. MittBorg

      He's a bottom, honey. A RAVING, PLEADING, CRYING, TEARY little bottom. And that's the way he likes it.

      How self-loathing do you have to be to be a gay LATINO, fer chrisake, and a Republican?

  7. GregComlish

    When Santorum's daughter said lots of her gay friends support her father's candidacy, this is apparently what she meant.

      1. GregComlish

        'It's a policy thing,' [Elizabeth Santorum] said of gay marriage… Opposed to same-sex marriage herself, Elizabeth said she has gay friends who support her father's candidacy based on his economic and family platforms.

  8. elviouslyqueer

    I am very discrete, and not out, or looking to come out, very straight acting, and not looking for anything other than a top frat guy or older daddy.

    Your move, Eric Cantor.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Be funny if they met FTF in a hall or something. Savage introduces himself politely and extends a hand; macho Santorum takes a swing at him (and misses), manages to fall down in the process, Savage tries to help him up, Santorum sobbing, "Just go away, go away! Haven't you humiliated me enough?!"

      God, I'd pay to watch that.

          1. emmelemm

            Unfortunately, I don't think Newt would come near enough to Santorum or Dan Savage, or have any influence over either of them, to put this in motion. No Ameros for him!!

  9. Joshua Norton

    If I was one of those guys, I'd be reeeeally nervous dealing with a bunch of fanatical religious time-bombs full of jizz.

    You could put an eye out.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Alec Mapa had a great bit about dating a closeted gay:

      "He'd kneel, he'd pray, and then he'd kneel again."

        1. MittBorg

          Oh, hon, that would be wonderful, except my dance card is already way full! TWO partners is plenty, I don't think I can even afford a one-night stand at this point.

    2. BruceMajor

      Yea all those beautiful Demofarts like Bawny Fwank, Barabara Mikulski, Debbie Washrag Schultz, Waxman, Schumer, Weiner etc make Palin, Thune, Flake, Rand Paul, Romney etc look so ugly.

      Won't Obamacare pay for you cataract surgery yet you poor bitch?

    1. fitley

      Just substitute gay for frat. If they say "Hi five me bro" that means fisting.
      Also "Push Poll" might not mean what you think it means.

  10. hagajim

    Someone check the bathroom for wide-stance Larry…he might just be waiting for a young clean "discreet" stud….tap, tap, tap….

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    "Not looking for anything other than a top frat guy," said the guy who wanted to be the frat guy on the bottom, Rick Perry, from Tappa Luba Schmear.

  12. Tundra Grifter

    "Please post the subject in the email as the winner of last years straw poll."

    "Straw poll?" Is that what the youngs are calling a dick size contest?

      1. Tundra Grifter

        The coded subject line may be required because they're using their work emails. All the CraigsList postings seem to ask for it.

        Maybe they are afraid somebody half in the bag (looking like Andrew BiteBart or Off-the-Mark Levin on the cover of his new book) is going to use "Suck my gay dick."

    1. MittBorg

      That was back in the old days … before the ubiquitous InterNetz totally KILLED your down-low fucking around activity. These days, bragging about that shit gets pictures of your dick posted on Grindr tout-suite.

  13. Tundra Grifter

    From CraigsList:

    "Getting a group of discreet guys together from CPAC for a group thing in the hotel room. Send stats and a body pic, and let's do this.

    "Put the name of the closing speaker in the subject line, so I know you're real."

    Do "group" and "discreet" really go together?

    1. Chichikovovich

      When everyone in the group has as much to lose as everyone else in the group if news of the meaty beaty big and bouncy becomes public, I'm thinking "discretion guaranteed".

      Or perhaps the tiny risk of exposure adds to the thrill and good Republican cloth shame.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Well, credit really goes to the Who. But thanks – I pride myself on nicking only quality stuff.

          1. HistoriCat

            A good choice:
            Side 1
            3. "Happy Jack"
            7. "The Seeker"

            Side 2
            7. "I'm a Boy"

            and those are just the obvious titles …

  14. GregComlish

    I'd suggest that CPAC needs to start a vigilante brigade to ferret out the homosexual activity that is sullying the name of this fine congress, but they probably already have. C-packers are probably getting dragged in S&M gear before the grand tribunal and cockslapped for their deviant ways.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Maybe they know a smidge of Russian history and are smart enough not to do that so they can keep up their member(ahem)ship numbers. Who would be left at CPAC if they eliminated the closet cases? KLo, the blonde FOXes, Mr. Dugger (who doesn't have time for gay sex) and Rep. Joe Walsh?

  15. BornInATrailer

    Geez I bet the tiny handful of actual straight dudes clean house at CPAC. Like shooting repressed right wing crazy ladies in a barrel.

    1. Chichikovovich

      As much as we old-timers try to warn them, it seems that every young man has to learn the cold, hard truth of "Don't fuck crazy" the hard way.

    2. MittBorg

      Ah, yeah, that works until you get a look at the RW Crazy Laydees. There's a reason why so many conservative men get a boner for Bachmann, and that reason is, most conservative women are three times her size and uglier than sin.

      1. BornInATrailer

        Yeah, good point. Once you remove the population that looks Edie McClurg (sorry Edie) and/or have Mann Coulter penises, the prospects are probably a wee bit dicier.

  16. C_R_Eature

    *Switches on TV coverage of CPAC*

    GAYDAR emits horrible wavering feedback shriek, explodes in smoke & flames. Shrapnel everywhere.

    Sensitivity rheostat set too high, again.

  17. smitallica

    Why is everyone saying that Santorum is gay? I mean, it's perfectly common for straight, non-closeted, non-self-loathing men to obsess about gay sex and mention it every single time they speak on any topic, anywhere.

  18. CapnFatback

    This next sexy patriot is a self-described twink who includes a patriotic American flag at the bottom of his post.

    Betcha he goes by the name Ol' Glory Hole. Bethca betcha.

    1. BornInATrailer

      Every person that walks in initially thinks it must be really clean because it smells so bleach-y.

  19. littlebigdaddy

    I hope some enterprising soul brought a drill and cut out some glory holes in the dividers they use in the display area. And brought a stool for Marcus.

  20. thefrontpage

    CPAC 2012 CONFERENCE 2012
    OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE
    COMMUNITY RELATIONS OFFICE
    CPAC URGES EVERYONE HAVING RELATIONS TO REMAIN DISCREET
    FOR IMMEDIATE 'RELEASE'

    Feb. 10, 2012, Washington, D.C.—CPAC Community Relations Director Kurt Camerison today issued a statement urging all CPAC attendees who are engaging in their own form of community relations with residents of Washington, D.C., to please keep things "discreet" so the organization can adequately maintain its sense of hypocrisy and double standards.

    "Like, last night, when everyone from CPAC took shuttle vans to the Crew Club and ended up singing Liza, Madonna and Elton songs until 4 a.m., well, that's just not cool!" Camerison said. "A better choice would be do everything in-house at the Wardman Park, which does have an indoor spa and bathhouse."

    # # #

  21. Wonderthing

    I guess nailing your foot to the floor and dancing in a circle until you slowly bleed to death has become an old fuddy duddy's thing, eh? Darn.

  22. gullywompr

    I can see some CPACer getting caught with his hand in the (ahem) cookie jar, and attempting to use the Admiral Akbar' defense.

    1. UW8316154

      All the cool kids are talking in some special code and I have no idea what they are saying. Typical.

    2. MittBorg

      You, my dear, need to make the acquaintance of the Urban Dictionary. An acquaintance that you, like the rest of us, will soon come to regret, even as you paw its virtual pages for yet another nugget of information that will, eh, stain your nightmares forever.

    1. MittBorg

      Heterosexual hookups involve ONE thing gay hookups never will — the chance of producing yet another human life. Under those circs, sex is NOT recreational, but always fraught with the possibility of procreation and the creation of a lifelong responsibility. Because nobody who doesn't absolutely desire and long for a child should have one.

      Of course, not a single religion that opposes abortion has yet admitted that gay sex is the only guarantee of no abortions ever again.

  23. Nopantsmcgee

    I'm hosting a 'CPAP" convention. Bring your own machine, and we'll connect them all to my hooka and try not to fall asleep. Now that's a convention.

  24. owhatever

    Hey, Twink, I want to drill your butt until your eyes cross and you crawl across the floor crying for your mama. Send your picture, bitch. @elrushbo

  25. PlanetWingNut

    I EMAILED some of these suckers last nite..paticularily the flag guy anyone want to see email posts or is that against terms of service? oh yeah and i got them to send me pics too…dumb fucks.

  26. fitley

    Larry Craig is signing penises and handing out breath mints in the lobby men's room.
    David Vitter is handing out Hostess Ho-Hos to the ladies from a large diaper. How cute.

  27. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Shame they picked the wrong Washington for CPAC, if it was here in the Evergreen State, they could look for a long term commitment with family values instead of a meaningless fling in a Men's Room stall.

    1. MittBorg

      You know, Lionel, it suddenly occurs to me why these motherfuckers hate gay folks so much. Their idea of being gay is limited to being on the down-low, acting straight, hating themselves, and being bukkake'd or pissed on by strangers in some dump. They have no idea that a person can come out of the closet and find a partner and true love and build a home and family with them. I have so many friends who have been together for longer than these little shits have been alive.

      They're fucking projecting. They're a bunch of closet queens and they're projecting harder than some young-dumb-and-fulla-cum pornstar wannabe queen.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Truer words have seldom been spoken, Study after study has shown that if you know an openly gay person, or at least occasionally have interactions with them, your acceptance of teh Ghayez goes way up. It is so hard to make a logical argument against gay marriage or anything if you see that, hey, they are just like me. If you get a chance, look at some of the debate in the Washington Legislature over gay marriage the last few weeks. Amazingly, both parties did themselves proud, and some of the best speeches came from Republicans who supported the bill.

  28. Jukesgrrl

    Yes, as a liberal I want to reach out to all constituencies, per Howard Dean's 50-states-and-all-proclivities strategy. And how can I if I don't know there are furries who do it in the doghouse with 12-year-old boys by night and manage state legislators' offices by day? Thanks for the info, Wonket.

  29. vtxmcrider

    A few days ago, when all the media were saying that Santorum was beginning to surge, they were referring to the upcoming CPAC.

  30. Man0nTheStreet

    29yo WM, blond/blue, ht/wt proportionate, discrete, versatile, work out regular, Conservative, Christian seeks same or younger to explore mutual interest in Santorum. No Newts, Lindseys, Boehners please.

  31. Negropolis

    5'4" and 130lbs?

    Dude, this is not the conference you want to be selling booty at. These are closet cases with self-control and anger issues who've strangled and stuffed in suit cases female hookers far larger than yourself.

  32. BruceMajor

    You poor sad little bitches. CPAC this year was 50% under 25, and 44% students. It's always been the case that the youngsters there are more libertarian than conservative, even when Ron Paul doesn't show up. Among the interesting stories you leftovers missed is that there were some libertarians who were both at CPAC AND at the Occupy march protesting CPAC, including the accountant who does Occupy's books.

    It's in your tiny unimaginative minds that the young CPACers are closeted, anti gay, or not sex positive.

    I think poor Dan Savage, shoring it up at White House dinners with his shitty waffling president, is trying to bet some relevance. After all his lifework is for naught. We just had a week of mainstream media using the phrase Santorum surge with no shred of irony.

  33. BruceMajor

    It's funny to see Wankerettes who shill for peeps like Anthony Weiner, Georgie Stephanapolous, Donna Brazille, Barbara Mikulski etc etc try to talk about closet cases.

  34. BruceMajor

    By the way little Obama whore bitches, one of your heroes, David Brock, the creator of Media Matters for America, has an ad up over at chemistry.com since his boyfriend dumped him. He only wants white men though according to his ad. Like MSNBC he's a leftover, but he still knows blacks have their place.

    Soros does give him millions though, and he lives in a mansion in lily white Kalorama where the non whites are either the help or diplomats. Maybe one of you losers can drill him and get a nice Soros funded house boy position.

    1. DahBoner

      "Soros does give him millions though"

      How do YOU know that?

      Admit it, you heard some idiot say this…

  35. BruceMajor

    Such obvious sexism among you Wankerettes. You didn't think to look in the women for women section of craigslist for lesbians at CPAC. You just assume their dukes are all closeted like Barbara Mikulski and Donna Brazile and all your big Democratic girls.

  36. DahBoner

    Any guys at CPAC want to hang out? Experienced noose-maker has an opening for neck sizes up to 24 inches…

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